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I cannot believe that you're gonna eat two glazed donuts.

What's it gonna do? Shorten my life?

Bon appétit.

You know there's a hood on the back of your shirt?

Yeah, I know. It's the fashion now.

Yeah, if you're the Unabomber.

Hey, you remember that friend of Eileen's

who came to the funeral, Diane?

The redhead, yeah.

She's been e-mailing me.

- Really? - Yeah.

Sends me pictures.

- What kind of pictures? - You should see them.

She's got a bird feeder in her backyard.

There's been hummingbirds, a robin,

and once a goldfinch chasing away a crow.

That slut!

So, what about her?

She wants to have dinner with me.

That's nice. Does she like to eat at five o'clock?

Doesn't matter what time it is. I can't have dinner with her.

- Why not? - My wife just passed away.

What would that say about me?

Why do you care what it says about you?

It's disrespectful to the memory of Eileen.

I could never do that.

I hate that I'm about

to say this, but...

have you discussed this with Eileen?

No, I've been putting it off and I'm not crazy.

It gives me comfort.

I'm not calling you crazy.

Have you considered doing something

less formal with this Diane,

like, uh, maybe lunch?

Oh, that's very good. Lunch is safe.

Nobody gets frisky after lunch.

At your age, nobody gets frisky.

True that!

See? I keep up.

Nope.

I can't do it.

Oh, sure you can.

No. You've only been gone a month.

It's, it's not right.

Why? You've had lunch with ladies before.

Yeah, but there were no overtones.

This meal is riddled with overtones.

Oh, darling, she's just lonely.

Bill died, what, ten, 12 years ago?

Really? Has it been that long?

Mm-hm.

I wonder if she visits with him like we do.

Well, maybe that's something you can discuss over lunch.

You are being very mature about this, Eileen.

I'm sure you'd feel the same if the roles were reversed,

if you were gone and I was alive.

No. That's where you're wrong.

If some guy was sniffing around you

I would haunt the hell out of him.

There would be cutlery flying around his kitchen.

Yes. One morning he'd be...

He'd be shaving in the bathroom mirror

and he'd look up and he'd see me standing right behind him,

just staring at him like this.

He would soil his pajamas, guaranteed.

All right, this next exercise

is gonna feel a little flaky, maybe a little uncomfortable,

but it may be the most important thing that I ever show you.

So why don't we start by everybody finding a partner?

- Try Margaret. - Understood.

Do you mind helping me?

Sure.

The name of this exercise is "Mirror."

You just move your body, and I'll follow.

Okay.

What we're working on here

is being totally present.

This means paying attention without judgment

to the actor in front of you.

Hm.

Amp it up a little bit.

Okay.

Hm.

This does two things.

It gets you out of your own head...

and forces you...

to be in the moment.

Fully engaged with the other person

by simply paying attention to them.

It not only makes you a better actor,

it makes you a better human being.

Okay?

So, everybody, why don't you give it a shot?

Do you think they're doin' it?

Maybe. My grandpa still gets boners.

Do you think people know that we're doin' it?

Yes.

Welcome back, sir.

Thank you, Alex.

No, thank you.

He seems very happy to see you.

I may have set a bad precedent with my last tip.

So, uh... Bill's dead ten,

12 years now, right?

It'll be 11 years in March.

Do you visit him much?

Every year on his birthday

I put flowers on his grave.

That's nice, I-I-I visit Eileen two or three times a week.

You go to the cemetery that often?

No, sometimes we're in the kitchen.

Ah.

Let me ask you a question.

After Bill died, did you find yourself

being unusually short-tempered with people?

That's happening to you?

I have no patience with anyone.

I-I've become very brittle.

I think that's just your way of processing grief.

But did it happen to you?

- No. No. - Hm.

If anything,

- losing Bill made me softer. - Hm.

And maybe a little more compassionate.

Well, aren't you a lucky duck?

See? Uh, brittle.

Norman, sometimes

our hearts have to be broken

so that love can come back in through the cracks.

Did you just think of that?

I guess so, yeah.

You should write for Hallmark.

They go for that treacly kind of bullshit.

Sorry. I can't help myself.

Hello?

Well, I did it.

I had lunch with another woman.

Oh, you dog.

What did you guys talk about?

Oh, you know, the usual.

Dead wives, dead husbands, dead friends.

It was very pleasant.

Sounds like it.

I was a little disconcerted

by the way she ate.

The way she ate?

Yeah. It was too thought out, too methodical.

She started with her vegetables,

she went on to the scalloped potatoes,

and then when there was nothing else left on the plate

she devoured her fish.

And this troubles you?

It speaks to a calculating type of mind.

You know, like the Germans' strategic advance

through Poland, then Belgium, then France.

So the nice widow lady ate like a Nazi?

I'm afraid so.

Wait. I'm getting a text message.

- I'll call you back. - You don't have to hang up...

So, what did the axis of evil have for dessert?

What?

Never mind. Who texted you?

Oh, Diane. I've got a big problem.

She's going to that Parkinson's fundraiser next Thursday

and, I quote,

- "Hoped to see me there." - So?

So it's one of Eileen's charities.

I-I was planning on attending.

So?

Hang on. Another text.

Norman, you can...

- Yeah. - Oh, it's getting worse.

She wants to know if it's okay if we sit together.

Boy, she moves fast.

You'd better bring a condom.

You're making a joke, but I actually still have one

the army gave me when I was in Korea.

You're kidding me.

I'm sentimental.

Okay, here's what we'll do.

You'll come to the dinner as my plus one

and act as a buffer.

Oh, yeah. Uh, I don't think so.

$307,000!

You fuck.

So, what do you say?

Well, does this mean we're even?

Yeah, if you bring $307,000 with you.

How about I bring a date?

I thought Lisa gave you the old heave-ho.

I thought so too, but it turns out

I'm back in her good graces.

A-ha. The old ho-heave. Well, that's good news.

You should have at least one thing in your life

that's working out.

You know, you've gotten to be a very mean-spirited old man.

Well, thank you. I was just saying that to Diane.

Uh-oh. Another text.

That's enough.

Pretty swanky, huh?

Yeah.

You realize this is the first time you've brought me somewhere

that didn't have a dead body.

The night is still young.

There he is.

Ah.

He looks like a well-dressed thumb.

Doesn't seem like he needs you to buffer anything.

- Mm. He does seem happy. - Hm.

Something's wrong.

So this musician calls up Buddy Rich's house

and he says, "Can I speak to Buddy?"

And Buddy's wife says,

"Oh, I'm so sorry. Buddy passed away."

Musician says, "Oh, I didn't realize.

Uh, my condolences."

Next day, he calls again. He says, "Can I talk to Buddy?"

His wife says, "I already told you, Buddy's dead."

Musician says, "Oh, right. Sorry."

The next day, he calls again. "Can I speak to Buddy?"

Wife says, "I have told you

over and over again, Buddy's dead!"

Musician says, "I know. I just... I love to hear it!"

It's Buddy Rich. He was a famous jazz drummer.

He wasn't a very pleasant man.

Google it. You'll see I'm not lying.

Norman, you remember Lisa?

- Hello. This is Diane. - Nice to see you again, Diane.

Oh, have we met?

Yeah, we met at the, uh, funeral.

Uh, it's not important.

Yeah, this is, wow, what a lovely event.

Yeah, we got a very nice turnout.

Well, this charity wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Eileen.

- Thank you. - It's true.

She started raising money for Parkinson's years ago.

Long before Michael J. Fox made it fashionable.

Uh, she-she-she was one of a kind.

- A saint. - Yeah.

God takes the good ones way too soon.

Yeah, and he leaves the bad ones here just to piss us off.

Skol!

Uh, that's your third drink.

Maybe you should slow down a little.

Yes, dear.

I mean... okay.

I'm gonna go check out the silent auction.

Uh, excuse us.

You know, that crazy bastard's got a condom from 1951.

Why?

'Cause he doesn't want to get anybody pregnant.

You see KC and The Sunshine Band are performing after dinner?

That's nice.

'Hope they don't play "Shake Your Booty."'

Might be in bad taste at a Parkinson's dinner.

Mm-hm.

What are you doing?

Watching Diane eat.

You haven't touched your food. Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just not very hungry.

Oh.

You should have something.

You know, to-to coat your stomach

from all that alcohol.

Are you gonna cut up my meat for me

or are you going to attack the Brussels sprouts

and the potatoes first?

- I'm just trying to be helpful. - Well, I'm a grown man.

I can eat my food without any assistance.

- I know that. - Do you?

'Cause you're treating me like a child,

and there's only one woman who's allowed

to treat me like a child.

And you can't replace her.

She's not a snow tire.

Norman, buddy. Take it easy.

You stay out of this. It's all your fault!

What did I do?

When I told you that this one was hot to trot,

you encouraged it!

Hot to trot?

I thought you were a nice man and I felt sorry for you!

I'll, I'll go with her.

Don't look at me, pal, all right?

I'm done with you.

Oh, Jesus.

You're right, it's fun.

I'm in no mood, Eileen.

First thing in the morning, you have to call

Diane and apologize.

For what? I was defending your memory.

You never went to any trouble for my memory.

- Ma? - Oh, I don't blame you, darling.

I blame this one.

Shirley, do me a favor, stay out of it.

I stayed out of it, and look what happened.

You turned him into your personal footstool.

He was emasculated long before I got him.

Grandma?

You wanna know why he's a mess? Right there.

Weekends and holidays.

God only knows what went on at her house.

Okay. Everybody needs to stop talking.

And why was he there?

Because you were out all night

having a grand old time!

- Enough! - I was a young widow.

- I deserved to have a life! - Oh, what?

Stop!

Here's what's gonna happen.

You go back to Minsk,

and you go back to Delancey Street.

Be quiet!

I deserve to have a life!

You turned him into your personal footstool.

- I blame this one! - Schtupping Italian...

You want to know why he's a mess?

Hey, Lisa, can we talk about something?

Uh-oh. Sounds ominous.

It's just I got this ethical dilemma

I need your help with.

Okay. Mm?

You know, I've always had this strict policy

about dating students.

Mm.

And I really thought you asking me out

somehow made it okay to break that rule.

Hm. Now you're having second thoughts?

- Well... - After you had sex with me?

I realize my timing is not ideal.

Ugh!

But it's just that the other students

are starting to talk,

and it's becoming a problem.

I can see that.

So, what do you think we should do?

I think we've gotta make a choice.

I can't be both your teacher and your...

Oh, just say it.

- Your lover. - Ugh.

So, is this your choice or mine?

Well, it's both. I think it's both our choice. Yeah.

Of course, I can't stop teaching.

Okay.

Well, I don't wanna make you uncomfortable,

so I am just going to choose to be your student.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I mean, it's a no-brainer, really. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah.

Uh, you know, 'cause you are a really good acting coach.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Best I ever had.

But, what about, you know, all of this, um...

this here?

Uh, oh, it's fine.

Just, you're a really good acting teacher.

Okay. All right.

Well, I guess, uh, we're done talking about this?

I am!

Hello?

You have a collect call from...

- Norman. - To accept, say yes.

Yes.

- Norman? - Sandy?

Norman, why are you calling collect?

I'm at a Shell station.

There's a mini-mart, but it's closed.

What are you doing at a Shell station?

There were too many people at my house.

- Now? Who? - It's my own fault.

You talk to one ghost, and suddenly

you're in a Yiddish version of Macbeth.

You're not making any sense, Norman.

Are you still drinking?

Go away, Ma! Go back to Tony!

Mom? Talk-talk... What are you talkin' about?

Norman?

Hello?

Norman?

Norman?

Looking for your dog?

No, my agent.

Norman?

Norman?

Everything all right, sir?

No. Everything is not all right.

I outlived my wife.

That was not part of the plan.

I was supposed to go first.

Hey, did you seen an old man walkin' around down here?

Was he wearing a bathrobe and pajamas?

I don't know. Maybe.

The cops picked him up over on Vine.

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you want a blow job?

Just got one!

Have you been kissing a co-worker?

What?

I only ask because you smell like Old Spice.

Go home.

Thank you, officer.

You okay?

I'm okay.

Oh, I'm so glad you found him.

You wanna tell me what's going on?

Nothing's going on.

I had too much to drink, and I

took a walk to clear my head.

Fine, don't tell me.

I think maybe I'm losing my mind.

You're not losing your mind.

Oh, like you know.

You've just been through the fucking wringer.

Your wife died,

your daughter's back in rehab for the umpteenth time,

and I don't know if this needs to be said out loud,

but you're also like a thousand years old.

I thought I was angry,

but the truth is

I'm scared.

I'm scared all the time.

Listen to me.

We're all scared, and you know why?

Because it's a scary fuckin' world.

But we get through it because we're not alone.

You're not alone.

Who do I have?

Me, you dumb shit!

Can you see me?

I'm right here in front of you.

Hi.

Hello there.

I see you.

You see me?

Can you keep a secret?

Sure.

That's the Kominsky Method.

I've decided if I'm gonna continue

with this whole living business

I have to get some answers.

What do you mean, answers?

Answers to what?

The big questions. Who am I?

Why am I here?

Oh, boy.

There has to be a deeper meaning.

Money doesn't matter anymore.

Sex doesn't matter.

Well, I think I gotta disagree with you on that last one.

Oh, please.

At this point, you're probably shooting sawdust.

I'm taking Flomax. There's no shooting.

So, where are you thinking of finding these answers?

Are you going to get religion?

I've considered it.

I like traditions,

ancient languages, ritual.

But?

The whole God thing puts me off.

Okay. All right, well, what about helping other people?

Isn't that a good reason to keep going?

Maybe.

It's just so hard to like other people.

Family?

Ditto.

Okay. Well, we don't have to figure it out tonight.

You've got some time.

Do I?

I'm just trying to be nice, Norman.

Nice.

Maybe life has no meaning

and the best we can hope for is...

just being nice.

In which case, you've got your work cut out for you.

You going home?

Why? You want me to stay?

Unless you have to get back to Lisa.

No. No.

She's okay.

I'm glad you found her.

A man your age shouldn't be alone. It's not natural.

We've been through this. I'm not alone. I've got you.

Babe.

Remember that song?

Sure, Sonny and Cher.

Strange couple.

I wonder what kind of hold he had over her.

Goodnight, Norman.

Goodnight, Gracie.

♪♪ I got you to hold my hand ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to understand ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to walk with me ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to talk with me ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to kiss goodnight ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to hold me tight ♪♪

♪♪ I got you I won't let go ♪♪

♪♪ I got you to love me so ♪♪

♪♪ I got you babe ♪♪

♪♪ I got you babe ♪♪

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