All language subtitles for The.Kominsky.Method.S01E04.1080p.BluRay.x265-KONTRAST

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What makes you think
that Big Daddy

has a lech for you, Maggie?

The way he always drops his eyes

down my body
when I'm talkin' to him.

Drops his eyes to my boobs

and then licks his old chops.

That kind of talk
is disgustin'.

Oh, anybody
ever tell you

you're an ass-achin'
puritan, Brick?

I think it's mighty fine
that that old fella

on the doorstep of death
still takes in my shape

with what I think
is deserved appreciation.

And scene.

Oh, wow! Ah.

"Wow" good?
Or "Wow, what a shit show?"

No, "wow" good. I'm, I'm really
impressed with your work.

- Thank you.
- Did I play enough hetero?

I spent all weekend
working on my hetero.

No, I could tell,
but you've gotta keep in mind

that there's a sexual ambiguity
to Brick's character.

I didn't even
think about that.

Can we do it again,
but, you know, ambiguously?

Lane, you nailed it.

I could feel the latency
coming off of you in waves.

Aw...

Did you just say nice things

because you kissed me
and then peed in my hedge?

- Oh, God, did you see that?
- No, my son did.

Your stock actually
went up with him.

I am so sorry.

Please, please tell me

you're seeing somebody about,
you know...

No, I am.
I-I had to get a biopsy

and I'm waiting for the results.

Well, that's gotta be
scary for you.

It would be if I wasn't
in complete denial.

Smart.

Well, I'm glad
you're taking care of it.

Yeah. You want to
go grab some lunch?

Uh, I can't.

I-I wish you'd asked me
earlier.

I-I actually have other plans.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

No, don't, don't be.

Maybe some other time?

I would like that.

Yeah. Bye.

Bye.

Don't give up, Big Daddy.

Hmm...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, Eileen.

What am I supposed to do
with all this?

Dad?

- What?
- Where are you?

Your mother's closet.

Wow.

Wow. I hope Neiman Marcus
sent flowers to the funeral.

Her personal shopper came to the
ceremony. Couldn't stop crying.

Hey, um, do you mind
if I borrow the car?

I thought your license
was suspended.

In New York,
not here.

Take an Uber.

Then I need
your credit card.

Take a cab.

Thank you.

What are you gonna do
with all this stuff?

I don't know.

It's worth a lot of money.

I'm not selling
your mother's clothes.

Well, do you wanna give it
to charity?

I can help you with that.

- I can't do that.
- Why not?

I don't wanna drive
down the street

and see some homeless woman
pushing a shopping cart

and wearing a dress your mother
wore to the Golden Globes.

Sure. Okay.

That would be a very awkward
"Who Wore it Better?"

Um... Do you mind if
I take this old purse?

That's a Birkin bag.
I know what it's worth.

- Get out.
- I'll bring it back.

Stop staying here!

Oh, Eileen,
you had so much shit.

Jesus!

Did you get
the biopsy results yet?

No, and please don't hover.
It's intrusive.

You didn't know I was out here.

In hindsight. It's, it's
intrusive in hindsight.

Are you supposed to call
the urologist

or is he supposed to call you?

Mindy, please. Not now.

Jesus.

Why is he going
to a urologist?

None of your business.

You can tell me.

I'm, like, the most discreet
person I know.

There's nothing to tell, Lane.
He's fine.

That's what my mother told me
about my father.

He had a massive heart attack
driving me to jazz dance.

Six years old, I had to grab
the wheel and save myself.

It's in my one-man show.
I don't know if you remember.

I do.

It was wonderful.

Aw...

Okay.

Yeah, this is Sandy Kominsky.

I wanna talk to Dr. Wexler.

It's concerning my prostate.

That's all you need to know.

Sure, I'll hold.

If I could hold,
it wouldn't be a problem.

Come here. I need your opinion.

- Hang on.
- It's important.

- Just give me a minute.
- Who are you talking to?

Trying to get through
to my urologist.

- You mean our urologist.
- All right, sure. Fine.

You had no urologist.
I gave you mine.

Yes, hi.

Okay, well,
as soon as you hear from him

could you have him call me?

Thank you.

- No results yet.
- Ah. Schrodinger's prostate.

What?

At the moment, you both do
and do not have cancer.

What a joy you are.

How thick do you like
the turkey cut?

Are you serious?
That's what you needed me for?

I offered to make you
a sandwich.

I'd like to make one
that's pleasing to your palate.

I like it thin.

Thank you.

A quarter of a pound of turkey.

Wafer-thin, like a contact lens.

I remember my first biopsy.
It's very unpleasant.

Scissors up your asshole.
It's never good.

Yeah. At least afterwards
when there's blood in your stool

you know where
it's coming from.

Always a joy.

Anything else?

Yes.

In your professional opinion,
what is your finest ham?

I don't know.
They're all good.

All right.
Let's put it in story form.

It's your last meal before
you're executed by the state.

What ham do you add
to your turkey sandwich

before they inject you
with a cocktail of death?

Honey-glazed.

Mr. Deli Man, a half a pound
of honey-glazed, please.

I would've bet a million bucks
he would've said Virginia Ham.

Did you get something
for Phoebe?

Maybe you didn't notice.
She's on a liquid diet.

Come on, we're here.
Make an effort.

Fine.

Milk Duds,
beef jerky, Bubble Yum.

That's a three-course dinner
for an alcoholic.

- Here.
- Put the chip in the reader.

I-I-I'd rather give it to you.

- That's clever.
- We've outlived swiping.

You can take it out now.

Oh, thank you.

I've been thinking a lot
about entropy.

What?

The universe's inclination
to decline into chaos.

It's the second law
of thermodynamics.

But if you ask me,
it should be number one.

Things are definitely
falling apart.

You know, I wake up every
morning and my first thought is

what part of me
is not working today?

- Can I tell you a secret?
- Sure.

Sometimes when I laugh
real hard, I fart a little.

Oh, please. You're still young.
Wait till you're my age.

Every time I sneeze, I hear
rattling around in my hips.

It feels like a foreign object
broken loose.

Yeah, we are passengers
on boats slowly sinking.

Your boat is slow? I'm like when
the Titanic was pointing up.

Hm.

I'm just worried
if they take out my prostate

I'm gonna lose my sex drive.

- You still have a sex drive?
- Yeah.

Uh... I mean, I think I do.

When I was going through
the whole prostate deal

I convinced myself I could
turn things around by Kegeling.

Seriously?

It works for women
tightening up their hoo-ha.

- But did it help?
- No.

But it gave my anus confidence,
and that's half the battle.

Are you doing it now?

Yeah.

I'll join you.

I wish it made a noise.

Mm. That would be nice.

It'd give you
a little feedback loop.

What is that?
That's your Kegel sound?

Mm. Yeah.

What's yours sound like?

Mine?

The, um...

the thing you hear in between
scenes of "Law & Order."

Chung-chung! Chung-chung!

No.

I like mine.

Fine. To each his own Kegel.

Words to live by.

Turkey thin enough?

Diaphanous.

There's plenty more
on Staten.

Staten?

Sorry.

The island,
Eileen always called it Staten

'cause when we first saw
the place

the realtor told us
it was an island kitchen.

And she'd never heard that
phrase before.

So she said,
"Which island? Staten?"

Anyway, it stuck,
and for years afterwards

we, we'd always say, "Put
the cheese platter on Staten"

or "I left some mail
for you on Staten."

That's nice.

I've been married
three times and, um...

I can't think of, uh,
one pleasant anecdote.

Wait.

No. No.

Surprise, surprise,
I gotta take another leak.

Is that somebody
in the pool?

Oh, my God.
It's Phoebe.

Phoebe?

Oh, no!
Phoebe, no!

Phoebe!

- What the hell?
- Jesus Christ!

- You scared me!
- You scared me!

I thought you were dead.
What were you doing?

I was floating.

Who floats face down?

Oh, my God. I can't do anything
right around here!

Come on. Get out.

What are you doing?

Don't worry about it.

You-you may wanna get out.

- Sandy?
- Yeah, come on in.

- Hiya.
- Hiya. What's up?

Two things, first of all,
I wanna thank you again

for helping me through
my Hot Tin scene.

Well, you did nice work, Lane.
You're really making progress.

Aw...

A-a-anything else?

Um, well,
I-I don't mean to pry,

but I just want to make sure
you're okay... pelvically.

Oh, Jesus.

- I'm fine, Lane.
- Good.

But just in case,
there are other therapies

that Western medicine doesn't
want you to know about.

Thank you. I'm very well aware
of what's out there.

In the meantime, I'll be sending
you a healing white light.

I'll look out for that.

Around nine,
ten o'clock tonight

you may feel something.

- That's very kind.
- You gonna be home?

Probably, yeah.

You shouldn't be driving.
It's pretty powerful.

Thank you for the heads-up.

Okay.

Well, I'm gonna go.

Namaste.

Jesus.

Hey, Sandy.

Hello, Lisa. It's Sandy.

Uh, yeah.

So, how you doin'?

Good, and how are you doing?

I'm great. I've just been
thinking about you.

That's nice.

So, um...

You doin' anything?
You gettin' ready to go out?

It's nine o'clock on a Saturday.

♪♪ The regular crowd
shuffles in ♪♪

It's "Piano Man."

Yeah, I'm familiar
with the song.

You know, I'm not a stickler for
rules when it comes to dating,

but basic common sense dictates
you don't call a lady

for a date at this time

unless you're planning
on paying for the hour.

Is Pissboy asking you
for a booty call?

Get out of here!

I'm really sorry.
I did not mean to offend you.

I am not offended.

- So you wanna get together?
- No.

Right. Um...

Okay. I guess
I'll-I'll see you in class.

You will.

Good. Uh, you are doing great
work, by the way.

Goodnight, Sandy.

She was offended. Yeah.

- Hello?
- Norman?

Sandy?

What are you up to
this fine evening?

I'm watching Cocoon.

The spaceship is taking
the old people into space.

That's the happy ending
for old people.

If only it were that easy, huh?

Yeah, I remember seeing this
in the theater 30 years ago

but it's a whole different thing
when you're in the demographic.

Listen, I'm going out for a drink.
You wanna join me?

What are you, crazy?
It's ten o'clock.

- So?
- So it's past my bedtime.

I already fell asleep twice.

Suit yourself. I'm goin' stag.

Stag! Listen to you!
Who are you, Peter Lawford?

Oh, fine, you stay home.

you go for a swim
with your daughter.

My daughter does not swim.

She floats.

Bye.

Excuse me.

Could I have a, um...

I guess not.

How you doin'?

Be patient. You just need to
find one with daddy issues.

Is that right?

The good news is,
we're in Hollywood,

so all the chicks are fucked up,
one way or another.

Thank you for the tip.

You picked
the right place, though.

Some quality cooze
comes through here.

I'm sorry. Did you say "cooze?"

Oh, I didn't mean to
offend you, Professor.

I meant "snatch."

Excuse me.

You gonna do some blow?

No, I'm gonna do a leak.

Watch out for this guy.

'Cause I'm dangerous.

Enjoy it while it lasts.

All right, I got it. You've got
a functioning prostate.

Good for you.

Jesus Christ.

Good luck with your AIDS.

Ah, damn it.

Where's your mother's purse?

Wow! Calm down. It's right here.

I told you to leave it alone!

I was just using it
for the night.

Bullshit! You were gonna
hock it for drugs.

No, I wasn't! Jesus!

You always think
the worst of me.

Because you give me reason!

Fine! I'll use
this fucking purse!

I don't want you
in this house anymore.

Well, then get out of my way!

I don't wanna look at you.
I don't wanna talk to you.

If you come back,
I will call the police.

Well, don't worry,
because I am not coming back!

After everything we've done
for you, you steal from us?

Shame on you!

Babysitter porn.

Stepmom porn.

What happened
to just fuckin' the pizza guy?

So many choices...

so little testosterone.

What?

- Did I wake you?
- No.

Am I interrupting anything?

Uh, no, I-I was just thinking
about ordering a pizza.

I kicked
Phoebe out of the house.

Really?

She stole things
from Eileen's closet.

Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to let you know,
in case she called you

looking to borrow money.

Not to worry, I stopped giving
money to drug addicts

when I divorced my third wife.

I still liked her the best.

Okay.

- Goodnight.
- Hang in there, buddy.

Thanks.

Oh, fuck, it's too much work.

Goddamnit!

Well, that's the end of it.
She's gone.

Oh, dear.

What? You always said
we were enabling her.

Well, no more,
if she wants to be a drug-head

then that's her choice.

She is still our daughter.

She stole your Birkin bag

and your high heels
with the red bottoms.

- Louboutins.
- Whatever.

I just know they cost two grand
and you wore them once.

Twice.

Great, you amortized.

Norman, it's just stuff.

Phoebe needs your help.

You're driving me crazy!

First, she should hit rock bottom,
now she needs help.

You've become very fickle
in death, Eileen.

Very fickle.

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