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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:10,703 --> 00:00:10,820 h 2 00:00:10,821 --> 00:00:10,937 ht 3 00:00:10,938 --> 00:00:11,055 htt 4 00:00:11,056 --> 00:00:11,173 http 5 00:00:11,174 --> 00:00:11,290 http: 6 00:00:11,291 --> 00:00:11,408 http:/ 7 00:00:11,409 --> 00:00:11,526 http:// 8 00:00:11,527 --> 00:00:11,643 http://h 9 00:00:11,644 --> 00:00:11,761 http://hi 10 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:11,878 http://hiq 11 00:00:11,879 --> 00:00:11,996 http://hiqv 12 00:00:11,997 --> 00:00:12,114 http://hiqve 13 00:00:12,115 --> 00:00:12,231 http://hiqve. 14 00:00:12,232 --> 00:00:12,349 http://hiqve.c 15 00:00:12,350 --> 00:00:12,467 http://hiqve.co 16 00:00:12,468 --> 00:00:12,584 http://hiqve.com 17 00:00:12,585 --> 00:00:12,702 http://hiqve.com/ 18 00:00:12,703 --> 00:00:15,703 http://hiqve.com/ 19 00:00:18,727 --> 00:00:21,561 The thing is, it was probably six or seven years ago... 20 00:00:21,647 --> 00:00:23,604 Oh, thank you. 21 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:25,898 - My condolences. - Thank you for coming. 22 00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:28,271 Norman, forgive me for saying this, 23 00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:30,524 but when you sit shiva for a loved one, 24 00:00:30,614 --> 00:00:33,482 all the mirrors in the house are supposed to be covered. 25 00:00:33,575 --> 00:00:35,783 I know. I-I'm just not that kind of Jew. 26 00:00:36,161 --> 00:00:38,198 Really? And what kind of Jew are you? 27 00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:40,075 I'm-I'm the atheist kind. 28 00:00:41,917 --> 00:00:44,284 Condolences. 29 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,165 Enjoy the shrimp. 30 00:00:46,255 --> 00:00:50,124 I know this is a difficult time, but try not to be an asshole. 31 00:00:50,217 --> 00:00:51,503 If he didn't want to be insulted 32 00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:52,873 he shouldn't have become a rabbi. 33 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,006 But on the upside, 34 00:00:55,097 --> 00:00:57,635 Mindy told me that the funeral's on Twitter. 35 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,885 No kidding? 36 00:00:58,976 --> 00:01:02,014 Yeah. Apparently we're "trendy." 37 00:01:02,104 --> 00:01:03,720 Leno sure did a good job. 38 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,271 Respectful but funny. 39 00:01:05,607 --> 00:01:07,043 I like that he's still bitter about me. 40 00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:08,478 It shows I made an impact. 41 00:01:08,569 --> 00:01:10,561 Well, I think Eileen would've approved. 42 00:01:11,196 --> 00:01:12,232 I know she approved. 43 00:01:12,823 --> 00:01:14,906 - Oh, you know? - I know. 44 00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:18,242 - Okay. - Hey, rabbi. 45 00:01:18,328 --> 00:01:19,864 Shalom, baby. 46 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:22,367 And Phoebe came. 47 00:01:22,457 --> 00:01:25,245 We're supposed to love our children unconditionally. 48 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,951 It's such nonsense. 49 00:01:27,045 --> 00:01:28,786 Is there a Mrs. Rabbi? 50 00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,997 I don't know if I can forgive her, Sandy. 51 00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:32,819 You will. You've just got to allow some healing 52 00:01:32,843 --> 00:01:35,426 to take place. You know, it's a-a process. 53 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,387 You done with the platitudes? 54 00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,556 I don't have to be. I mean, you-you want more? 55 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:43,180 - No. - A stitch in time means nine. 56 00:01:43,270 --> 00:01:44,706 A bird in the hand is worth something. 57 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:45,790 - I forget what. - All right. 58 00:01:53,572 --> 00:01:56,906 So I'm only asking because my husband turned out to be gay 59 00:01:56,992 --> 00:01:59,154 and it really ruined our sex life. 60 00:01:59,244 --> 00:02:01,236 Well, I'm sorry to hear that, uh... 61 00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:03,162 Did you try lying on your stomach? 62 00:02:03,248 --> 00:02:04,989 Oh, I tried everything. 63 00:02:05,083 --> 00:02:07,075 I mean, come on, you'd think, like 64 00:02:07,169 --> 00:02:09,582 a hole is a hole is a hole, you know? 65 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,253 You'd think. 66 00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,081 Yeah, uh, nice, uh... 67 00:02:13,175 --> 00:02:14,962 It was nice talking to you. 68 00:02:16,470 --> 00:02:18,382 Oh. Are we done? 69 00:02:20,849 --> 00:02:22,715 So that's a story, huh? 70 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,596 Yeah. She used to babysit me. 71 00:02:24,686 --> 00:02:26,097 - You're kidding. - Yeah. 72 00:02:26,188 --> 00:02:27,373 I remember once she took me to see 73 00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:28,854 uh, Troop Beverly Hills. 74 00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:31,557 - Oh, that's nice. - Kind of. 75 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:34,611 She sat behind me and gave her boyfriend a hand job. 76 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:35,857 Oh, God! 77 00:02:35,947 --> 00:02:38,314 Yeah. Good movie, though. 78 00:02:38,408 --> 00:02:39,524 Oh. 79 00:02:39,618 --> 00:02:40,904 - Shelley Long? - Yeah. 80 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,075 - Ah. - Mm-hm. 81 00:02:43,288 --> 00:02:44,995 - Norman. - Yeah? 82 00:02:45,082 --> 00:02:47,119 I made up this plate for you. 83 00:02:47,209 --> 00:02:49,041 Oh, no, no, thanks. I'm not hungry. 84 00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:50,368 Uh... I am. 85 00:02:50,879 --> 00:02:51,995 The food's in the kitchen. 86 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,882 I'm so very sorry for your loss. 87 00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,254 - Well, thank you. Thank you. - Uh... 88 00:02:58,345 --> 00:03:00,883 Eileen was such a... a great lady. 89 00:03:00,972 --> 00:03:03,089 - One of a kind. - Yes, she was. 90 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,176 - Norman, I brought you a plate. - I got this. 91 00:03:07,938 --> 00:03:10,225 And she loved you so very much. 92 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:12,773 - Excuse me. - Where are you going? 93 00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,350 I-I'm going to the bathroom. 94 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,403 - Again? - Yes, again. Are you counting? 95 00:03:17,489 --> 00:03:20,072 Yeah, I am. You're closing in on double digits. 96 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,070 Oh, I appreciate your concern. 97 00:03:22,160 --> 00:03:23,742 I'll dedicate this one to you. 98 00:03:24,955 --> 00:03:27,163 - Norman, listen to me. - Mm. Yes. 99 00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,787 I know that your instinct... 100 00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,914 is to go through all of this by yourself... 101 00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,004 ...but that's wrong. 102 00:03:34,089 --> 00:03:35,421 Huh. 103 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,090 It really does take a village. 104 00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:40,544 - It does? - Yes. 105 00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:43,588 Let me be your village. 106 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,098 But you're just one person. 107 00:03:47,310 --> 00:03:48,517 Exactly. 108 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:57,902 So that's it? 109 00:03:57,988 --> 00:03:59,729 Now we're trickling? 110 00:04:03,410 --> 00:04:07,620 ♪♪ Raindrops keep falling on my head ♪♪ 111 00:04:18,300 --> 00:04:21,134 This is the last chance before I put you away. 112 00:04:24,598 --> 00:04:26,009 Excuse me! 113 00:04:26,892 --> 00:04:28,679 Excuse me! 114 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,226 Hi. Hi! 115 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:33,058 Um... I would like to make a toast 116 00:04:33,148 --> 00:04:35,982 to my mother, Eileen Newlander. 117 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:39,902 You all knew her as a loving and generous woman. 118 00:04:39,988 --> 00:04:44,699 She was always ready to give her time and her money 119 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,071 to those in need. 120 00:04:47,746 --> 00:04:48,953 Yeah. 121 00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,572 She was there for anyone 122 00:04:51,666 --> 00:04:54,033 who didn't come out of her vagina. 123 00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,460 - Oh. - Okay, that's it. 124 00:04:58,215 --> 00:04:59,422 Let's go. 125 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,921 - Should I have said C-section? - Come on. 126 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,967 Oh. 127 00:05:11,019 --> 00:05:12,226 Hey. 128 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:13,553 Hi. Where you been? 129 00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,105 - Bathroom. - Again? 130 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:17,477 What's with everybody counting? 131 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,980 I'm not counting. I just noticed. 132 00:05:20,070 --> 00:05:21,606 - What's wrong? - Nothing's wrong. 133 00:05:21,696 --> 00:05:23,904 I think something's going on with his prostate. 134 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,652 Excuse me, I'd rather my daughter 135 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:27,324 not discuss my prostate. 136 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:29,090 Well, it's nothing to be embarrassed about. 137 00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,079 My ex had all kinds of prostate problems. It's treatable. 138 00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,781 Okay, I'm gonna say it again. 139 00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,770 I don't want to discuss my prostate with my child. 140 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:37,188 I don't want to hear about your husband's prostate... 141 00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,453 Ex-husband. 142 00:05:38,547 --> 00:05:40,379 - Did he have prostate cancer? - Yep. 143 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,252 But they took it out and it's fine. 144 00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,334 - Was he able to... - Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 145 00:05:44,427 --> 00:05:45,884 With Viagra. 146 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:49,297 Okay, I'm walkin' away here. 147 00:05:49,391 --> 00:05:51,132 Goin' back to the bathroom? 148 00:05:52,477 --> 00:05:53,684 Maybe. 149 00:05:55,313 --> 00:05:56,849 Hmm. Well... 150 00:05:56,940 --> 00:05:57,976 - Cheers. - Cheers. 151 00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,608 Oh, here you are hiding. 152 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,987 Diane, please. 153 00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:12,279 For 46 years, I've lived in one village. 154 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,829 It was a wonderful village. 155 00:06:13,915 --> 00:06:15,747 It was warm. Nice huts. 156 00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:18,702 And I'm sorry, but from here on, I'm just gonna... 157 00:06:18,795 --> 00:06:21,629 I'm gonna be village-less. I'm a-a nomad. 158 00:06:22,674 --> 00:06:26,042 What are you talking about? 159 00:06:27,095 --> 00:06:28,677 I need my coat. 160 00:06:30,056 --> 00:06:32,298 It's the tan one with the gold buttons. 161 00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:36,729 I'm sorry. 162 00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:41,019 Phoebe. 163 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,976 Jesus. Phoebe! 164 00:06:44,487 --> 00:06:45,487 Phoebe! 165 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:48,614 Phoebe! 166 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,323 Jesus. 167 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,085 Phoebe! 168 00:07:04,591 --> 00:07:06,253 Can I buy you a new coat? 169 00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,462 Oh, hey. Thanks. 170 00:07:13,808 --> 00:07:15,674 Thank you for a lovely... funeral. 171 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,681 You're welcome. 172 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:18,998 Can't wait to tell all my friends 173 00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:21,059 that Barbra Streisand hit on me. 174 00:07:21,149 --> 00:07:23,516 Don't flatter yourself. He hit on me, too! 175 00:07:25,695 --> 00:07:28,859 So are you, uh... are you staying at Norman's tonight? 176 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,366 No, I'm gonna give him a little space with his daughter. 177 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:34,068 Mm. Good plan. 178 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,078 I, uh... I'd invite you in 179 00:07:37,165 --> 00:07:40,249 but, uh, my son is, uh... 180 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,667 I understand. 181 00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:43,289 Thanks. 182 00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:44,666 Goodnight. 183 00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,058 Uh-oh. 184 00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:26,080 This is complete and utter bullshit. 185 00:08:32,429 --> 00:08:33,636 Very good. 186 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,298 Okay, who wants to go next? 187 00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,554 - Jude, please present. - Thanks. 188 00:08:39,644 --> 00:08:43,137 I've been thinking a lot about what you said to me last class. 189 00:08:43,231 --> 00:08:45,071 You've been thinking? Well, that's encouraging. 190 00:08:45,108 --> 00:08:48,442 Yeah, you said that I'm relying too much on how I look 191 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,269 and not challenging myself as an actor, 192 00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,049 so I decided to do something that's gonna take me 193 00:08:52,073 --> 00:08:53,073 out of my comfort zone. 194 00:08:53,158 --> 00:08:54,649 Terrific. What did you pick? 195 00:08:54,743 --> 00:08:56,530 A monologue from Ma Rainey's Black Bottom 196 00:08:56,619 --> 00:08:58,030 by August Wilson. 197 00:08:59,164 --> 00:09:01,076 - Really? - Yep. 198 00:09:01,166 --> 00:09:02,907 You're-you're sure about this? 199 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,248 Okay, let's-let's see it. 200 00:09:15,388 --> 00:09:18,131 Levee's gots to be Levee. 201 00:09:19,309 --> 00:09:21,266 And he don't need nobody 202 00:09:21,352 --> 00:09:24,311 messin' around with him about the white man. 203 00:09:27,192 --> 00:09:29,434 'Cause you don't know nothin' about me! 204 00:09:30,737 --> 00:09:32,979 You don't know Levee. 205 00:09:33,740 --> 00:09:37,108 You don't know what type of blood I got! 206 00:09:37,660 --> 00:09:41,574 What type of heart I got beatin' in here! 207 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,125 I was eight years old 208 00:09:47,545 --> 00:09:49,912 when a gang of the white mens... 209 00:09:50,006 --> 00:09:54,091 come inside of my daddy's house and have to do my mama 210 00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:57,011 any way they wanted, and... 211 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,963 - Excuse me. I... I'm sorry. - Ah! 212 00:09:59,057 --> 00:10:00,617 I don't think I'm comfortable with this. 213 00:10:00,642 --> 00:10:02,178 - Me neither. - Why not? 214 00:10:02,268 --> 00:10:05,432 I don't know. It just, um, it just seems wrong. 215 00:10:05,522 --> 00:10:07,354 Well, I don't think that that's your call. 216 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,308 - I mean, is it wrong? - Why are you askin' me? 217 00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:13,314 I think if you look past how super fucked up it is, 218 00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:14,611 it's very brave. 219 00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,484 Super-duper fucked up. 220 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:17,940 I mean, just because I'm not black 221 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:20,697 doesn't mean I can't be offended. 222 00:10:20,787 --> 00:10:22,949 I mean, I'm allowed to be offended, right? 223 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:24,826 Or is it offensive just to ask? 224 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:25,916 Mm. 225 00:10:27,752 --> 00:10:30,870 Okay, everybody better stop lookin' at me 226 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,751 or shit will go down. 227 00:10:32,841 --> 00:10:34,753 Sandy, you may wanna weigh in on this. 228 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,212 Dad, you in there? 229 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:40,386 Yeah. 230 00:10:41,099 --> 00:10:44,092 We've got a racially charged situation happening in class. 231 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,426 Are you gonna be long? 232 00:10:45,520 --> 00:10:48,012 I don't know. 233 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,545 I don't know what to do. 234 00:10:52,569 --> 00:10:54,435 Do-do we put her in another rehab? 235 00:10:54,529 --> 00:10:58,068 Unless she wants to get sober, I don't see the point. 236 00:10:58,575 --> 00:11:00,237 Well, we can't do nothing. 237 00:11:00,326 --> 00:11:01,326 Are you sure? 238 00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,243 Maybe it's time to let her hit bottom. 239 00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:05,287 What's bottom? Uh, uh... 240 00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,660 Homeless? In a mental institution? 241 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:09,742 - Jail? - I don't know. 242 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:13,125 I know that what we've been doing isn't working, so... 243 00:11:15,008 --> 00:11:17,295 Hey. It's gonna be okay. 244 00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:18,800 You'll see. 245 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,296 This is not good. 246 00:11:22,390 --> 00:11:23,756 No shit. 247 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:30,388 Hey. 248 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,274 Hi. 249 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,851 Um... am I interrupting? 250 00:11:34,944 --> 00:11:36,810 'Course not. Sit down. 251 00:11:36,905 --> 00:11:39,238 - You sure? - Yeah, sit. 252 00:11:41,743 --> 00:11:44,827 - Want some coffee? - No. It just makes me pee. 253 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:47,155 Well, it's a diuretic. 254 00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,574 You wouldn't happen to have a, uh, 255 00:11:50,668 --> 00:11:52,409 a urologist that you like? 256 00:11:52,754 --> 00:11:55,337 Like? No one likes their urologist, 257 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:56,755 but I do have a good one. 258 00:11:56,841 --> 00:11:58,127 I need his number. 259 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,800 I already gave it to Mindy. 260 00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:01,377 She's gonna make you an appointment. 261 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:04,305 Jesus, everything in my pants is public knowledge. 262 00:12:04,390 --> 00:12:06,552 I-I'm just glad you're not in denial anymore. 263 00:12:06,643 --> 00:12:09,477 Norman, yesterday I kissed a woman goodnight 264 00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:11,303 and then urinated on her bush. 265 00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:13,649 I'm sorry? 266 00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:16,270 The bush outside her house. 267 00:12:16,361 --> 00:12:19,274 Ah. Yeah, that's... 268 00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:21,731 That's a slow, dripping cry for help. 269 00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:23,190 Dad? 270 00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:24,946 Um, you mind if I have some friends over? 271 00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,078 Yes, I mind, and go put some clothes on! 272 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,656 It's just Sandy. What's he gonna do? 273 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,241 Hey! Hey! Hey! Come on. 274 00:12:33,836 --> 00:12:35,577 What am I supposed to do with her? 275 00:12:35,672 --> 00:12:37,379 I don't know. 276 00:12:37,465 --> 00:12:38,922 I guess just love her. 277 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:42,251 You're useless. 278 00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,601 Okay, and fill these out 279 00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,474 and the doctor will see you shortly. 280 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,394 Thank you. Just so you know, 281 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:58,146 I'm here for penis reduction surgery. 282 00:12:58,444 --> 00:12:59,685 O-okay. 283 00:12:59,779 --> 00:13:01,611 Been getting some complaints lately. 284 00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,609 Got it. 285 00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,269 Jesus Christ. 286 00:13:35,690 --> 00:13:37,898 The sad part is, that water cooler 287 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,600 has a better flow than I do. 288 00:13:42,780 --> 00:13:44,692 How often do you have to come here? 289 00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:53,781 Not cool, man. 290 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,540 Not cool. 291 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,757 Oh, for Christ's sakes. 292 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:14,264 Whatever happened to hanging things up? 293 00:14:20,818 --> 00:14:22,309 I don't believe this. 294 00:14:25,031 --> 00:14:26,647 You're stealing drugs from your mother? 295 00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,778 - What? - What kind of... 296 00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,639 What kind of a person does that? 297 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,076 What kind of a person steals drugs from their mother? 298 00:14:35,166 --> 00:14:36,782 It's not that big of a deal. 299 00:14:36,876 --> 00:14:39,584 I hurt my back, I was looking for Advil. 300 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:41,565 - And I found that stuff. - Oh, you hurt your back? 301 00:14:41,589 --> 00:14:43,706 Really? Really? How'd you hurt your back? 302 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,254 It was a pretty silly story, actually... 303 00:14:46,344 --> 00:14:47,835 Liar! 304 00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:54,095 So there's nothin' else goin' on besides the frequent urination? 305 00:14:54,185 --> 00:14:57,178 No. I mean, I have had a little bronchial irritation, 306 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:59,354 but that's kinda out of your purview, isn't it? 307 00:14:59,690 --> 00:15:02,148 Yeah. Anyway, we're gonna do some tests 308 00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:04,147 and make sure there's nothin' serious goin' on. 309 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,694 What do you mean by "serious?" 310 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,197 Cancer. 311 00:15:08,574 --> 00:15:09,735 Oh, right. Right. 312 00:15:09,826 --> 00:15:12,239 But, uh... based on your symptoms 313 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:15,366 I would say we're dealin' with prostatic hyperplasia. 314 00:15:16,124 --> 00:15:17,581 Which means? 315 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,124 You've got a big prostate. 316 00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:20,663 Which means? 317 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,585 It means you're gonna pee a lot. 318 00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,379 Can you tell me something I don't know? 319 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:27,753 I got to second base with my nurse last night. 320 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,052 That's an old joke, but I did. 321 00:15:31,139 --> 00:15:34,177 Congratulations. What about my prostate? 322 00:15:34,267 --> 00:15:37,476 Well... we have options. 323 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:41,397 There's drugs and there's transurethral resection. 324 00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:43,098 And what's involved with that? 325 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,478 I drill through your penis 326 00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,902 and core out your prostate like a Roto-Rooter. 327 00:15:46,988 --> 00:15:48,570 - Oh, my God. - Yeah, it's... 328 00:15:48,656 --> 00:15:50,898 It's an exciting time to be a urologist. 329 00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,699 But let's not get ahead of ourselves. 330 00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,868 Drop your drawers. Lay on your side over there. 331 00:15:54,954 --> 00:15:57,321 I'll poke around in there and see what we got. 332 00:16:02,545 --> 00:16:04,127 You keep saying "we." 333 00:16:05,089 --> 00:16:06,546 You complete me. 334 00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:10,046 I gotta ask, when you were a young guy in med school, 335 00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:12,628 what made you decide to become a urologist? 336 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:14,338 I get asked that a lot. 337 00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:16,719 And the answer is? 338 00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:19,134 Variety. 339 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,311 Dicks are like snowflakes. 340 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,229 There's no two alike. 341 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:25,273 Say "Ah." 342 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:26,610 Ah! 343 00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:30,150 Why'd you come back? Is it money? 344 00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,425 Because you should know that you're not 345 00:16:31,449 --> 00:16:33,031 in your mother's will. 346 00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:34,904 It all goes to me, and when I'm gone 347 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:36,360 I'm leaving it to charity. 348 00:16:36,454 --> 00:16:38,366 Good, because I don't want your money! 349 00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:39,913 Well, you're not getting any! 350 00:16:43,503 --> 00:16:44,914 Phoebe? 351 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,006 Phoebe! 352 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,340 Are you taking drugs? 353 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:53,043 I am taking a dump! 354 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,378 I just need a minute. 355 00:16:54,472 --> 00:16:56,885 The Percocet makes me constipated. 356 00:17:00,436 --> 00:17:01,517 Well, you don't deserve it, 357 00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,096 but there's Metamucil under the sink. 358 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,440 Thank you, Daddy. 359 00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,768 Yeah. 360 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:10,773 - All right, now bear down on me. - Ah... 361 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,650 That's it. Bear down. 362 00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,820 'Cause I've gotta... Come on. Push, push, push, push! 363 00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,401 You know, the funny thing is 364 00:17:17,495 --> 00:17:19,111 even gay guys don't like this. 365 00:17:19,205 --> 00:17:21,447 - That's hilarious. - Push, push, push! 366 00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,954 I've gotta touch it. Push! I've gotta feel it with my finger. 367 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,251 - Ah! - Quick! There you go. 368 00:17:26,337 --> 00:17:28,670 That's it. That's... Ooh. 369 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:31,339 Oh, that's a big old prostate. 370 00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,508 Any chance that my ass is just shrinking? 371 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:35,631 That's a good one. 372 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:36,721 I'm gonna use that. 373 00:17:37,682 --> 00:17:39,924 Here. Here, wipe. 374 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:42,262 What, no spooning? 375 00:17:42,937 --> 00:17:45,179 That one I heard before. 376 00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,391 Now what? 377 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:50,817 Now we check your PSA test, 378 00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:52,110 see if you've got any cancer. 379 00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:53,528 And how long does that take? 380 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:56,527 - Ah, a couple of days. - And if there is? 381 00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:59,985 We do a biopsy and see if it's snail, turtle, or rabbit. 382 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,445 What? 383 00:18:01,539 --> 00:18:03,826 Well, snail, slow-moving, no worries. 384 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,704 Turtle, little faster, some worries. 385 00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:09,377 - Rabbit... - Floppy-eared and adorable? 386 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:11,881 Sure. 387 00:18:20,349 --> 00:18:22,215 - Daddy? - What? 388 00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:25,014 I'm sorry. 389 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,141 Please save the tears for somebody who buys it. 390 00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,564 No, seriously. I'm really sorry. 391 00:18:31,694 --> 00:18:33,185 Why didn't you ever visit? 392 00:18:33,279 --> 00:18:35,319 Do you have any idea how much that hurt your mother? 393 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:39,570 I, uh, don't have a good reason. 394 00:18:39,660 --> 00:18:40,901 Give me a bad one. 395 00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:45,663 I didn't think she was gonna die. 396 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,455 You know, I was very busy. 397 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,331 You were busy? 398 00:18:57,386 --> 00:18:58,968 I don't know what else to say. 399 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,671 All right. 400 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:03,052 Moving on. What are your plans now? 401 00:19:03,392 --> 00:19:04,724 Well... 402 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:08,478 I was thinking I would stay with you for a little while. 403 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:10,055 Really? 404 00:19:10,775 --> 00:19:12,061 Would that be okay? 405 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,858 What about your apartment in New York? 406 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,480 Well, that is a pretty funny story. 407 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:16,937 Stop! 408 00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:20,152 Okay, who's next? 409 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:24,073 Uh, Breana. What do you got? 410 00:19:24,163 --> 00:19:28,453 Well, I was thinkin' about Jude doin' that August Wilson piece, 411 00:19:28,542 --> 00:19:31,285 and it got me thinkin' maybe I should push myself 412 00:19:31,379 --> 00:19:32,859 into somethin' out of my comfort zone. 413 00:19:32,922 --> 00:19:35,164 Okay. Taking chances. I like it. 414 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,749 So I'm gonna do a monologue from The Boys in the Band. 415 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:41,174 Oh, Christ. 416 00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:42,970 Okay, let's see it. 417 00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:50,895 What I am, Michael, 418 00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:56,397 is a 32-year-old, ugly, pock-marked Jew fairy. 419 00:19:56,821 --> 00:19:59,609 And if it takes me a while to pull myself together, 420 00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:01,656 and if I have to smoke a little grass 421 00:20:01,742 --> 00:20:04,234 before I get up the nerve to show my face to the world, 422 00:20:04,328 --> 00:20:07,571 it's nobody's goddamn business but my own. 423 00:20:07,665 --> 00:20:09,076 All right. All right. 424 00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:11,374 - Let's pause right there. - Thank you. 425 00:20:11,460 --> 00:20:13,702 Isn't such a brave choice now, is it? 426 00:20:13,796 --> 00:20:17,085 What Jude did was stupid. You're being homophobic. 427 00:20:17,174 --> 00:20:19,541 - Thank you. - All right, that's enough. 428 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,967 Breana, grab your seat. 429 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:29,475 Listen to me, all right? None of this matters. 430 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,123 None of this is worth getting offended over. 431 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:33,230 This is all bullshit. 432 00:20:33,315 --> 00:20:36,023 Doesn't matter whether you're black, or gay, or... 433 00:20:36,360 --> 00:20:38,852 - Irish, French, and German. - Sure. 434 00:20:38,946 --> 00:20:41,780 - I did 23andMe. - That's great. 435 00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:44,700 Doesn't matter because inside we're all exactly the same. 436 00:20:44,785 --> 00:20:47,027 The life in you, in you, and you 437 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:48,532 and you is the same life. 438 00:20:48,622 --> 00:20:49,908 Same electricity, 439 00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,412 just lighting up a different bulb. 440 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:54,333 If you really want to get offended, 441 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:56,377 try cancerous glands in your asshole. 442 00:20:58,340 --> 00:20:59,547 Excuse me. 443 00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:01,628 I don't get it. 444 00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:04,260 I think it's from a Mamet play. 445 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,554 So, my darling, how was your day? 446 00:21:13,647 --> 00:21:15,730 I had a strange little man 447 00:21:15,816 --> 00:21:17,603 stick his finger up my ass. 448 00:21:17,693 --> 00:21:20,185 - Oof. I envy you. - Hm! 449 00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:23,488 - How long is Phoebe staying? - I didn't ask. 450 00:21:23,574 --> 00:21:26,066 I find everything with Phoebe is easier if I don't ask. 451 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:29,744 Mm. The willful pursuit of ignorance. 452 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,241 - That's smart. - Yeah. 453 00:21:32,082 --> 00:21:33,994 Any news on the prostate front? 454 00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:35,871 No. Just trying to stay cool. 455 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,953 Waiting for the results of the blood test. 456 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,289 Is eating spicy food your way of thumbing your nose 457 00:21:40,382 --> 00:21:42,089 at the specter of death? 458 00:21:42,676 --> 00:21:44,588 You are very wise. 459 00:21:45,137 --> 00:21:47,754 I am a fountain. Drink from me. 460 00:21:48,098 --> 00:21:50,841 We will be punished for eating so late. 461 00:21:50,935 --> 00:21:52,892 Two TUMS and a Prilosec before bedtime 462 00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:54,469 and a thin pillow under your shoulders 463 00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,850 to elevate your upper torso while sleeping. 464 00:21:56,941 --> 00:21:59,433 - Really? - Drink from me. 465 00:22:06,784 --> 00:22:08,696 Haven't seen you in a while. 466 00:22:08,786 --> 00:22:11,950 Yeah. I've been, uh... you know, busy. 467 00:22:12,790 --> 00:22:14,702 I think I just have a few shirts. 468 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:19,912 Okay, here we are. 469 00:22:20,005 --> 00:22:23,373 So sorry. The dress was here a long time. 470 00:22:23,467 --> 00:22:24,833 Must not have been picked up. 471 00:22:28,305 --> 00:22:29,671 Oh, my God. 472 00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:44,902 Sorry. 473 00:22:44,926 --> 00:22:46,926 http://hiqve.com/ 32664

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