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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:38,960 --> 00:00:39,077 h 2 00:00:39,078 --> 00:00:39,194 ht 3 00:00:39,195 --> 00:00:39,312 htt 4 00:00:39,313 --> 00:00:39,430 http 5 00:00:39,431 --> 00:00:39,547 http: 6 00:00:39,548 --> 00:00:39,665 http:/ 7 00:00:39,666 --> 00:00:39,783 http:// 8 00:00:39,784 --> 00:00:39,900 http://h 9 00:00:39,901 --> 00:00:40,018 http://hi 10 00:00:40,019 --> 00:00:40,135 http://hiq 11 00:00:40,136 --> 00:00:40,253 http://hiqv 12 00:00:40,254 --> 00:00:40,371 http://hiqve 13 00:00:40,372 --> 00:00:40,488 http://hiqve. 14 00:00:40,489 --> 00:00:40,606 http://hiqve.c 15 00:00:40,607 --> 00:00:40,724 http://hiqve.co 16 00:00:40,725 --> 00:00:40,841 http://hiqve.com 17 00:00:40,842 --> 00:00:40,959 http://hiqve.com/ 18 00:00:40,960 --> 00:00:43,960 http://hiqve.com/ 19 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:46,161 Come on. 20 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:54,794 How's it goin' in there? 21 00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,096 Why? You got somewhere to be? 22 00:00:57,182 --> 00:00:59,515 No, you've just... You've been in there a while. 23 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:02,427 What can I tell you? I urinate in Morse code. 24 00:01:02,521 --> 00:01:03,978 Dots and dashes. 25 00:01:08,235 --> 00:01:10,693 - Hey. - Hey. Just checking in. 26 00:01:10,779 --> 00:01:12,566 No, we're okay. 27 00:01:12,656 --> 00:01:15,239 I gave him some soup, and I'm trying to get him to sleep. 28 00:01:15,659 --> 00:01:17,491 You should probably just spend the night. 29 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,615 No, no. He-he-he'll be fine. 30 00:01:19,705 --> 00:01:22,493 - Dad. - Mindy, I've got this. 31 00:01:23,125 --> 00:01:25,333 Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet? 32 00:01:26,712 --> 00:01:28,704 Yeah. Why? 33 00:01:28,797 --> 00:01:29,837 No reason. 34 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,791 Just when you see her again, try and talk me up a little. 35 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:34,713 I want her to like me. 36 00:01:37,389 --> 00:01:39,597 You want her to like you? 37 00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:41,470 What are you, in ninth grade? 38 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,642 Come on, help me out here. 39 00:01:43,729 --> 00:01:46,847 Are you worried I might tell her about how Mom tried 40 00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,398 to run you over in the Gelson's parking lot? 41 00:01:49,484 --> 00:01:51,191 Right. Or why. 42 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:55,026 Relax. I'll make sure she knows what a great guy you are. 43 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:56,276 Thanks. 44 00:01:56,700 --> 00:01:58,011 All right, let me wrap things up here 45 00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,235 and I'll talk to you tomorrow. 46 00:01:59,286 --> 00:02:01,073 Okay. Bye. 47 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:05,831 Why? 48 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,500 He wasn't around much when I was growing up. It's payback. 49 00:02:08,587 --> 00:02:10,374 Oh. 50 00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:14,252 You think maybe you should call Phoebe? 51 00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:15,423 It's 1:00 a.m. in New York. 52 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:18,382 A phone call at 1:00 a.m. is only bad news. 53 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,556 Well, this is kind of bad news, Norman. 54 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,383 Let her sleep. I'll call in the morning. 55 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,037 Are you sure? It's her mother, you know? 56 00:02:25,562 --> 00:02:26,562 I know it's her mother! 57 00:02:26,647 --> 00:02:28,167 You don't think I know it's her mother? 58 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:30,686 Okay, okay, take it easy. 59 00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:32,420 Would you like to take a guess at how many times 60 00:02:32,444 --> 00:02:34,606 Phoebe came to visit while Eileen was sick? 61 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,187 No, no, I wouldn't, no. 62 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:38,739 Zero! Not once! 63 00:02:38,825 --> 00:02:41,693 Not even a-a, uh-uh, a thing. 64 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:44,575 - The, uh, what is it called? - What's what called? 65 00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:46,385 The computer thing where you see the person. 66 00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,829 - Uh, FaceTime? - No, no. The other one. 67 00:02:48,919 --> 00:02:50,376 - The made-up word. - Skype. 68 00:02:50,462 --> 00:02:53,751 Skype. Yeah, that. Not even a Skype! 69 00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,753 - What a stupid word. - Well, I, uh, I'm sorry. 70 00:02:56,843 --> 00:02:58,505 You know, I didn't know that. I... 71 00:02:58,595 --> 00:03:00,712 Of course you didn't know. We're civilized people. 72 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:02,968 We keep our shame and suffering to ourselves. 73 00:03:03,058 --> 00:03:05,300 Where it belongs, sure. 74 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,477 You still think I should wake my daughter 75 00:03:07,562 --> 00:03:09,019 from her Ambien-induced coma 76 00:03:09,106 --> 00:03:10,847 and share the news of her mother's passing? 77 00:03:10,941 --> 00:03:12,398 Maybe buy her a plane ticket 78 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:15,397 so we could come back and grieve together? 79 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,438 Well, I feel like you're looking for a "no." 80 00:03:20,158 --> 00:03:22,946 It's my own damn fault. I spoiled her rotten. 81 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:26,325 Now she's a selfish, pill-popping mess. 82 00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,159 The one smart thing you ever did 83 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,412 was not buy your daughter an Arabian horse. 84 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:34,254 Oh, that's... that's very kind of you to say so. 85 00:03:35,382 --> 00:03:36,964 Uh, you know, I, uh, I went through 86 00:03:37,050 --> 00:03:38,837 a couple of tough years with Mindy. 87 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:41,089 Uh, you know, we're closer than ever now. 88 00:03:41,930 --> 00:03:43,842 And I'm supposed to take from that what? 89 00:03:44,307 --> 00:03:46,924 Never mind. Just get in bed. 90 00:03:47,018 --> 00:03:48,600 I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in. 91 00:03:48,687 --> 00:03:50,679 You'll tuck me in? 92 00:03:50,772 --> 00:03:52,138 Get in the fucking bed. 93 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:55,107 Profanity, you know, is a sign of a lazy mind. 94 00:03:55,444 --> 00:03:56,776 I'm sorry. 95 00:03:56,862 --> 00:03:59,024 Please... get into bed. 96 00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:02,114 - Much better. - You miserable fuck. 97 00:04:07,831 --> 00:04:09,322 Lazy mind. 98 00:04:11,376 --> 00:04:12,912 Are you going home? 99 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:19,461 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? 100 00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:23,170 It is the east, and Juliet is the sun." 101 00:04:24,890 --> 00:04:26,347 What? 102 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,516 Yeah, I was going home. Why? 103 00:04:29,269 --> 00:04:30,680 Um... 104 00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,353 No reason. Just asking. 105 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,230 - Well, you want me to stay? - No, of course not. 106 00:04:35,317 --> 00:04:37,434 If you want me to stay, I'm happy to stay here. 107 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:39,269 You're happy. 108 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,562 Aren't you a lucky man? 109 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:46,450 Norman... 110 00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:50,246 Keep it down! I have neighbors. 111 00:04:55,212 --> 00:04:58,250 Why don't I sleep here tonight, in case you need anything? 112 00:04:58,340 --> 00:05:00,548 I won't need anything, but thank you. 113 00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,170 I appreciate it. 114 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:06,758 Sure. 115 00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:18,315 I'm locked out! 116 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,017 Try the back door! 117 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:35,578 Sandy. 118 00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:36,705 Sandy. 119 00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:39,662 - We have to plan the funeral. - What? 120 00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,150 Eileen left instructions. 121 00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:42,710 We need to get started. Come on. 122 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:44,838 - What time is it? Wha... - It's 4:30. 123 00:05:45,303 --> 00:05:46,965 She wants Jay Leno to emcee 124 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,263 and Patti LaBelle to sing "Lady Marmalade." 125 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,557 - "Lady Marmalade"? - Yes. It was her favorite. 126 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,729 Can't we do this in the morning? Look, you can go back to sleep. 127 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:57,976 No. She was very specific. 128 00:05:58,066 --> 00:06:00,058 No, I-I-I understand that, Norman. 129 00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,143 No, don't worry about it. 130 00:06:02,237 --> 00:06:05,571 She wants to be buried in an unpretentious coffin. 131 00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,900 Preferably driftwood or recycled timber from a sunken ship. 132 00:06:10,078 --> 00:06:12,491 Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt. 133 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:15,703 Ah... 134 00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,328 You're peeing like me. 135 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,248 Now, about Jay Leno. 136 00:06:20,338 --> 00:06:22,024 She loves him but says he shouldn't be allowed 137 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:23,380 to go on too long. 138 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:25,458 Four or five minutes, he's very enjoyable. 139 00:06:25,552 --> 00:06:26,946 After that, he can wear out his welcome. 140 00:06:26,970 --> 00:06:28,381 Got it. 141 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,255 Everything else is written out. 142 00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,385 Guest list, catering, 143 00:06:32,475 --> 00:06:35,343 floral arrangements, valet service. 144 00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,680 Even the font for the programming. "Palace Script MT." 145 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,106 - Very elegant. - Yeah. I can see that. 146 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:44,102 I'm hungry. 147 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:48,899 Ask Streisand to sing "The Way We Were." 148 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:53,737 Norman, I don't think Streisand does funerals. 149 00:07:01,671 --> 00:07:03,708 Listen, we really need to get started. 150 00:07:04,132 --> 00:07:06,215 How long is your class? 151 00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,021 - Hi, Sandy. - Good morning, ladies. 152 00:07:08,094 --> 00:07:10,006 - It's an hour and a half. - An hour and a half? 153 00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,908 You really have that much to teach these people? 154 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:14,219 As a matter of fact, I do. 155 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:16,843 Spencer Tracy said, "Know your lines 156 00:07:16,937 --> 00:07:18,348 and don't bump into the furniture." 157 00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:20,805 You make it hard to be your friend, Norman. 158 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,856 I knew Tracy. Mean drunk. 159 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,686 Rumor has it he ate on both sides of the buffet. 160 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:26,779 - Hey. - Hey. 161 00:07:27,822 --> 00:07:29,688 I'm glad you spent the night. 162 00:07:29,783 --> 00:07:31,991 Uh, why don't you hang out here? 163 00:07:33,161 --> 00:07:34,572 Come here. 164 00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,655 - Hi, sweetie. - Hi. 165 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:40,787 - How you holdin' up? - I'm okay, I guess. 166 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:42,789 - Keep an eye on him. - Sure. 167 00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:46,463 Is he taking good care of you? 168 00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:48,336 - Yeah. Mmm. - Mm. 169 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:51,881 Forgive me if I'm not really on my game. Um... 170 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:56,136 Last night, um... 171 00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:02,267 Last night, I lost a friend to cancer. 172 00:08:02,357 --> 00:08:03,768 And you know, it's-it's strange. 173 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:06,851 When I was in that hospital room and-and... 174 00:08:06,945 --> 00:08:08,481 ...looking down at a woman 175 00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,655 that I've known and loved for more than 40 years... 176 00:08:14,244 --> 00:08:17,112 and I found myself thinking about all of you. 177 00:08:18,081 --> 00:08:20,789 And I'm always telling you to pay attention 178 00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,492 to what's going on in your lives, you know? 179 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:26,420 To experience the feelings that come up... 180 00:08:26,798 --> 00:08:28,460 no matter how painful. 181 00:08:31,678 --> 00:08:32,964 Because... 182 00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,426 that grief, that... 183 00:08:38,309 --> 00:08:39,845 that, um... 184 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:42,349 unrelenting sorrow, 185 00:08:42,439 --> 00:08:43,680 that's the raw material. 186 00:08:43,773 --> 00:08:45,480 That's the gold... 187 00:08:46,151 --> 00:08:50,441 an actor mines to create great performance. 188 00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:53,273 So my tragedy is your gold? 189 00:08:55,243 --> 00:08:56,324 Duly noted. 190 00:08:57,162 --> 00:08:59,495 Sorry. He wanted to watch you teach. 191 00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:02,745 Norman, I'm just trying to explain to my class 192 00:09:02,834 --> 00:09:06,077 that acting is really an extension of living. 193 00:09:06,171 --> 00:09:08,504 It's how we explore what it is to be human. 194 00:09:08,590 --> 00:09:10,582 - Bullshit! - Oh, Jesus. 195 00:09:11,134 --> 00:09:13,296 You know what it's like to be human? 196 00:09:13,386 --> 00:09:15,048 Is that something you wanna know? 197 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:17,092 Fine, I'll tell you. 198 00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:20,300 It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell. 199 00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:22,601 And all the exploring in the world 200 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,770 doesn't make that hurt go away. 201 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,644 Because being human and being hurt 202 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:29,771 are the same damn thing. 203 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:02,308 You look at these prices? What a racket. 204 00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:05,059 Yeah, it's awful. 205 00:10:05,146 --> 00:10:07,388 Could we just pick something and get out of here? 206 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:09,599 Well, you're not shopping for tube socks, you know? 207 00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,149 No, we are not. 208 00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:12,727 You know this is a monopoly, right, 209 00:10:12,821 --> 00:10:13,902 like the sunglass business. 210 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,731 One company controlling the whole thing. 211 00:10:16,825 --> 00:10:19,488 I honestly don't know what to say to that. 212 00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:22,570 What can you say? It's a travesty. 213 00:10:22,664 --> 00:10:25,122 You want a casket made entirely of driftwood? 214 00:10:25,208 --> 00:10:27,040 Or timber from a sunken ship. 215 00:10:27,127 --> 00:10:28,368 Sweet Jesus. 216 00:10:28,711 --> 00:10:30,373 Okay. Uh... 217 00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:32,538 I'm not saying it can't be done, 218 00:10:32,632 --> 00:10:36,171 but it would be a special order which would take some time. 219 00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:38,218 Have you considered bronze or copper? 220 00:10:38,304 --> 00:10:40,887 No. Too impersonal and it's not biodegradable. 221 00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,057 Look, um... Woody, 222 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:44,995 I think what we need here is something 223 00:10:45,019 --> 00:10:47,306 that's, uh, recyclable. 224 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,138 Eco-friendly. I understand. 225 00:10:51,609 --> 00:10:53,100 Is your real name Woodrow? 226 00:10:53,695 --> 00:10:56,358 - Yes. - You should go by that. 227 00:10:56,447 --> 00:10:59,360 It's more dignified for a bereavement counselor. 228 00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:02,067 I suppose, but, uh, 229 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,620 I've just been going by Woody since I'm a kid. 230 00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,493 Yeah, well, you're not a kid now, 231 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,826 and no offense, but a guy named Woody selling coffins? 232 00:11:09,919 --> 00:11:11,376 A little on the nose. 233 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:15,377 So, Woody, you were saying eco-friendly. 234 00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:16,961 Oh, uh, yes. 235 00:11:17,468 --> 00:11:19,130 We have a cardboard model 236 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:21,712 made in England, 100 percent recyclable. 237 00:11:21,806 --> 00:11:23,468 I'm not burying Eileen in cardboard. 238 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:25,967 We're just looking at options, Norman. 239 00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:27,926 How about bubble wrap? That's an option. 240 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,853 That's actually not biodegradable. 241 00:11:29,939 --> 00:11:31,305 Woody, stay out of this. 242 00:11:31,900 --> 00:11:33,687 Our alternative is to special order 243 00:11:33,776 --> 00:11:36,018 the driftwood, which will take some time. 244 00:11:36,112 --> 00:11:37,353 No cardboard! 245 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,821 Fine. Then we need other options. 246 00:11:40,158 --> 00:11:41,758 She said driftwood or sunken ship timber! 247 00:11:41,784 --> 00:11:43,070 I know what she said, Norman. 248 00:11:43,161 --> 00:11:45,278 We have very specific instructions! 249 00:11:45,371 --> 00:11:47,909 - Uh, you have to calm down. - Why is this a problem? 250 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:52,000 Go to the beach, get some wood that drifts up. 251 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,827 and make a driftwood coffin! 252 00:11:54,255 --> 00:11:55,871 I'm afraid it's not that simple. 253 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:57,464 Okay. You want simple? 254 00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,166 Hire a deep-sea diver 255 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:02,003 to locate a schooner or a pirate ship 256 00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,678 and bring up some planks! 257 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,677 Could you excuse us for a minute, please? 258 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,554 - Norman. - What? 259 00:12:09,312 --> 00:12:10,928 What? 260 00:12:11,022 --> 00:12:12,138 - What? - All right, look. 261 00:12:12,232 --> 00:12:13,814 You need to get a grip. 262 00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:16,017 That poor bastard is doing his best to help us 263 00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:17,790 and you, you're acting like a crazy person. 264 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:18,856 I've got a grip. 265 00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:21,271 Go wait in the car. I'll handle this. 266 00:12:21,366 --> 00:12:24,154 Really? Wait in the car? What am I, a child? 267 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,236 Right now, yes! Now go get in the car. 268 00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,366 - We have instructions! - Go! 269 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:35,836 I'm sorry about that. 270 00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:38,665 It's okay. It's a very emotional time. 271 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,501 Cardboard boxes are what you put a houseplant in 272 00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,836 when you don't want it to leak in your car! 273 00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:52,185 All right, what do we got? 274 00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,807 This is a scene from a spec TV pilot I wrote. 275 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:57,812 Original piece. Okay, that's good. 276 00:12:57,902 --> 00:13:00,645 - What's it called? - "Incestuously Yours." 277 00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:02,320 It's a comedy. 278 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,694 About incest, that's brave. 279 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,946 But without jokes. 280 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:08,620 So no laughing. 281 00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:10,122 Hopefully not. 282 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:13,077 Wow, okay. 283 00:13:13,167 --> 00:13:14,167 Let's see it. 284 00:13:23,511 --> 00:13:26,049 - Hey. - Hey. 285 00:13:26,139 --> 00:13:27,880 Did mom say when she's gonna be home? 286 00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,307 Do me a favor. 287 00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,804 Please don't call her "Mom." 288 00:13:31,894 --> 00:13:33,510 Sis, you've really 289 00:13:33,604 --> 00:13:34,765 gotta get over that. 290 00:13:34,856 --> 00:13:36,643 She's my mom, not yours. 291 00:13:36,983 --> 00:13:39,543 Yeah, well, when she married our father, she became my mom. 292 00:13:39,610 --> 00:13:42,318 Are you listening to yourself? You're being such a jerk. 293 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:43,862 And you're a bitch! 294 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,905 A bitch who sucks your cock! 295 00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:53,121 Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Okay! All right. 296 00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:55,073 Time out. Time out. Hold on. 297 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:59,582 Okay, um... 298 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:03,416 First of all, Darshani, kudos for writing the pilot. 299 00:14:03,509 --> 00:14:06,968 Takes a lot of work, and I wanna encourage the effort. 300 00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,262 It wasn't hard. 301 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:09,950 - I wrote it over the weekend. - Well, regardless... 302 00:14:09,974 --> 00:14:11,694 And you told us if the parts we want to play 303 00:14:11,726 --> 00:14:13,454 aren't out there, then we should just write them ourselves. 304 00:14:13,478 --> 00:14:15,470 - I did say that. - This really happened to me. 305 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:16,999 - I have no doubt about that... - And... 306 00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:18,855 Just stop talking. 307 00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:19,941 Stop talking! 308 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,699 I'm sorry. Uh... 309 00:14:29,786 --> 00:14:31,743 Honey, the whole point of doing this work 310 00:14:31,829 --> 00:14:33,570 is to dig into our feelings 311 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:38,250 to see how it translates into actions that we take... 312 00:14:38,336 --> 00:14:39,577 Our behavior. 313 00:14:41,631 --> 00:14:43,964 I really don't know what you're talking about. 314 00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,465 Well, what I want to see is how you feel 315 00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:51,513 about being in a blended family. 316 00:14:53,518 --> 00:14:54,634 It's okay. 317 00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,141 What do you mean, that's it? It's-it's-it's just okay? 318 00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,231 Except for fucking my half-brother, 319 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:02,853 it's pretty traditional. 320 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:10,608 We're doomed. 321 00:15:15,665 --> 00:15:18,203 - Yeah? - It's Lisa. Got a minute? 322 00:15:18,292 --> 00:15:19,999 Yeah, sure. Come on in. 323 00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:22,999 Hey. 324 00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:26,377 I kinda lost it in there, didn't I? 325 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:28,592 Kinda. 326 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,215 Some of these kids, they've got no shame. 327 00:15:32,098 --> 00:15:34,590 Well, I think it's all the social media. 328 00:15:34,684 --> 00:15:36,971 I mean, they grow up sharing everything with everybody. 329 00:15:37,061 --> 00:15:38,973 No, no, I think it started earlier. 330 00:15:39,063 --> 00:15:40,599 You know who I blame? 331 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:42,807 - Bill Clinton. - Really. 332 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:48,066 When blow jobs ceased to be sex, our civilization was over. 333 00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:51,575 You want a drink? 334 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:55,111 Uh... no, thanks. 335 00:15:55,204 --> 00:15:57,992 I just, uh, just wanted to check on you. 336 00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,869 Well, thank you, you know. 337 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:02,167 I'm okay. A little tired, and... 338 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:04,524 Well, how's it going with Norman? 339 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,414 It's going. It's just kicking the shit out of me. 340 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,166 Mm. 341 00:16:11,095 --> 00:16:12,757 Uh, well, I'm sure he's very grateful. 342 00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,717 Oh, you'd be wrong. 343 00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:15,807 Sit down. 344 00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:18,346 I did find a guy from Santa Cruz 345 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:20,098 who makes coffins out of driftwood, 346 00:16:20,188 --> 00:16:21,895 so, I mean, that's something, right? 347 00:16:21,981 --> 00:16:23,847 Nice. Yeah. 348 00:16:23,941 --> 00:16:26,024 And amazingly, 349 00:16:26,110 --> 00:16:28,318 the funeral arrangements are coming together, 350 00:16:28,404 --> 00:16:30,817 but the real question is whether Norman's daughter 351 00:16:30,907 --> 00:16:31,907 is gonna show up. 352 00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:33,652 How can that even be a question? 353 00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,076 There was a lot of bad blood between her and Eileen. 354 00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:39,496 Oh, yeah. Well, hmm, mothers and daughters, just... 355 00:16:39,832 --> 00:16:42,074 Oh, you've got some experience with that? 356 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:43,955 Well, I have a mother, 357 00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,707 who I hate with a red-hot passion. 358 00:16:45,796 --> 00:16:48,254 So, yeah, a little bit. 359 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,666 A little fucking bit. 360 00:16:53,346 --> 00:16:54,427 Mmm. 361 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,964 You wouldn't be interested in coming with me? 362 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,386 You're inviting me to a funeral? 363 00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,603 Our first date wound up in a hospital. 364 00:17:02,688 --> 00:17:04,725 Seems like a natural next step. 365 00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:08,642 Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh... 366 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,860 Are you sure? 367 00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:13,860 Patti LaBelle is singing "Lady Marmalade," 368 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:15,657 "Lady Marmaduke," whatever the hell it is. 369 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:18,326 Jay Leno, he's gonna be the emcee. 370 00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:20,028 And not to gild the lily, 371 00:17:20,122 --> 00:17:24,913 but you might have a front-row seat to Ms. Barbra Streisand. 372 00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,503 Damn it. 373 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:36,095 ♪♪ Creole lady Marmalade ♪♪ 374 00:17:46,274 --> 00:17:48,311 Does this seem inappropriate to you? 375 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,144 Oh, this is nothing. Wait'll you see the drag queen. 376 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:57,571 ♪♪ Lady Marmalade ♪♪ 377 00:17:57,660 --> 00:18:01,654 ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 378 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:06,617 ♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪ 379 00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:10,375 ♪♪ Now he's back home doing nine to five ♪♪ 380 00:18:10,464 --> 00:18:14,003 ♪♪ Living his gray flannel life ♪♪ 381 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:16,927 ♪♪ But when he turns off to sleep... ♪♪ 382 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:18,879 - You doin' okay? - Yeah, I'm fine. 383 00:18:18,973 --> 00:18:20,885 ♪♪ More more... ♪♪ 384 00:18:20,975 --> 00:18:23,183 Don't worry, she's gonna be here. 385 00:18:23,269 --> 00:18:24,510 Hope so. 386 00:18:25,187 --> 00:18:27,554 ♪♪ Whoo-hoo ya ya ♪♪ 387 00:18:27,648 --> 00:18:30,106 ♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here... ♪♪ 388 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:31,837 Did you tell Jay to keep it short? 389 00:18:31,861 --> 00:18:36,196 ♪♪ Mocha-choco-lata ya ya ♪♪ 390 00:18:36,282 --> 00:18:42,574 ♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪ 391 00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:45,622 ♪♪ Whoaaa ♪♪ 392 00:18:45,708 --> 00:18:52,708 ♪♪ Whoa-ooh ♪♪ 393 00:19:09,190 --> 00:19:11,728 Goodbye, baby. I'm gonna miss you. 394 00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,064 And Norman... 395 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,904 it is my prayer that the pain 396 00:19:17,990 --> 00:19:20,073 you're experiencing now... 397 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:23,323 is God's way of transforming you 398 00:19:23,412 --> 00:19:26,530 into a less annoying human being. 399 00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:30,834 She never liked me. 400 00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,957 How do you piss off Patti LaBelle? 401 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:35,380 You call her Roberta Flack. 402 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,643 You know, one of the greatest joys of my life 403 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:40,260 was having Eileen as a friend. 404 00:19:40,346 --> 00:19:42,383 I remember... 405 00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:46,137 the first time we met, I was a struggling young comic. 406 00:19:46,227 --> 00:19:48,184 I'd just done a set at The Comedy Store. 407 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:50,011 It, uh... You know... 408 00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:51,563 It did not go well. 409 00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:53,773 But Eileen came up to me afterwards 410 00:19:53,859 --> 00:19:56,476 and she said I was very funny, and she said she, uh, 411 00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:58,402 she saw somethin' in me, you know? 412 00:19:59,073 --> 00:20:00,530 So she sent me to see her husband, 413 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:04,576 a big-time agent, Norman Newlander, 414 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:06,699 and, uh, when I say "big-time," 415 00:20:06,789 --> 00:20:09,748 remember, this is the man who discovered Buster Thornton. 416 00:20:11,335 --> 00:20:12,542 Who's Buster Thornton? 417 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:14,039 Exactly. 418 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,753 Anyway, I'm not in his office five minutes, 419 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,709 he says to me, "You know, your jaw's too big. 420 00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,385 You're gonna frighten children." 421 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,679 I said, "I don't-I don't- I don't play for children." 422 00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,382 He says, "It doesn't matter. It's distracting. 423 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:31,265 Oh, and your head, it looks like a piece of urban folk art." 424 00:20:31,355 --> 00:20:32,721 What happened to keeping it short? 425 00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:34,602 You know, folks, I could stand up here 426 00:20:34,692 --> 00:20:38,436 and slam Norman all day until my jaw falls off... 427 00:20:39,321 --> 00:20:40,812 but this is about Eileen, 428 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,197 and per her request, she had a performer 429 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:46,823 that touched her, well, like no other. 430 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,744 Someone who really needs no introduction. 431 00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:50,242 So, Eileen, 432 00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,164 this is for you. 433 00:20:57,381 --> 00:20:59,043 My God, you got her? 434 00:21:00,426 --> 00:21:01,962 Wait for it. 435 00:21:04,847 --> 00:21:08,306 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪ 436 00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:11,517 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪ 437 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:18,604 ♪♪ Mm mm hmm hmm ♪♪ 438 00:21:19,445 --> 00:21:20,981 That's a man. 439 00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:22,562 It's what we could get. 440 00:21:25,868 --> 00:21:30,863 ♪♪ Mm hm memories ♪♪ 441 00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:36,418 ♪♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪♪ 442 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:42,291 ♪♪ Misty water-colored memories... ♪♪ 443 00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:44,422 - Front row. - Yeah. 444 00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:52,138 ♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪ 445 00:21:52,228 --> 00:21:53,719 He's magnificent. 446 00:21:57,525 --> 00:22:00,893 I want to thank everyone for being here... 447 00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,979 to help celebrate the life of a great lady. 448 00:22:04,406 --> 00:22:07,740 I, um, I go back a long way with Eileen. 449 00:22:07,827 --> 00:22:11,571 In fact, I'm the one that introduced her to Norman. 450 00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:14,414 I didn't do it to be nice. Uh... 451 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,202 To be honest, I tried to date her. 452 00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:22,873 I took her out to a fancy dinner, 453 00:22:22,967 --> 00:22:24,208 hoped to get lucky. 454 00:22:25,761 --> 00:22:27,218 I remember, uh, 455 00:22:27,304 --> 00:22:30,342 afterward I walked her to the door 456 00:22:30,432 --> 00:22:32,719 and I went in for a kiss... 457 00:22:32,810 --> 00:22:34,597 and she ducked. 458 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:37,225 I mean, she actually ducked. 459 00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:39,146 I chipped my tooth on her mezuzah. 460 00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:43,977 Anyway, I had no patience 461 00:22:44,071 --> 00:22:46,905 for women with integrity and self-respect... 462 00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:50,650 so I set her up with Norman. 463 00:22:50,744 --> 00:22:53,077 Let him not get laid. 464 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:55,325 She made me wait eight months. 465 00:22:55,416 --> 00:22:58,329 There you go. And look what happened. 466 00:22:58,419 --> 00:23:01,753 Since then, I have been in three unhappy, failed marriages 467 00:23:01,839 --> 00:23:04,547 and you've been in one happy one. 468 00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:07,213 Seems like you jerkin' off for a few months 469 00:23:07,303 --> 00:23:08,714 was a solid investment. 470 00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,423 But Eileen... 471 00:23:14,351 --> 00:23:16,388 She wasn't just a good match for Norman. 472 00:23:16,478 --> 00:23:18,140 Over time... 473 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:20,392 she became a good friend to me. 474 00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:23,854 Someone I could always trust 475 00:23:23,944 --> 00:23:25,355 to tell me the truth. 476 00:23:26,989 --> 00:23:29,902 Someone who actually cared about me 477 00:23:29,992 --> 00:23:32,905 even when I didn't deserve caring. 478 00:23:34,622 --> 00:23:36,204 Before she died, 479 00:23:36,290 --> 00:23:37,656 she asked me 480 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:39,662 to look after this guy here. 481 00:23:41,670 --> 00:23:43,206 At first, I thought she was joking, 482 00:23:43,297 --> 00:23:45,334 and then I realized she wasn't. 483 00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,715 Because I thought, 484 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:49,838 "What a horrible thing to ask me to do." 485 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:52,467 I mean, you all know him. He's a bit of a dick. 486 00:23:56,018 --> 00:23:57,634 But I'm gonna do it. 487 00:23:58,354 --> 00:24:00,141 I'm gonna honor her wishes... 488 00:24:01,774 --> 00:24:04,187 because you don't say no to a great lady. 489 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:08,068 And Eileen Newlander... 490 00:24:08,155 --> 00:24:09,771 was... 491 00:24:09,865 --> 00:24:12,403 and will always be a great lady. 492 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:24,831 Thank you, Sandy. 493 00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:27,150 You know, a friend of mine studied acting 494 00:24:27,174 --> 00:24:30,338 under Sandy for ten years. Ten years. 495 00:24:30,970 --> 00:24:34,008 And after a decade of intensive study, 496 00:24:34,098 --> 00:24:36,135 today I'm proud to say 497 00:24:36,225 --> 00:24:37,887 he's the head waiter at Spago. 498 00:24:41,230 --> 00:24:42,937 Now, that was funny. 499 00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:07,000 The world knew her mostly from her iconic movies 500 00:25:07,089 --> 00:25:10,378 like "Singing in the Rain" and "The Unsinkable Molly Brown," 501 00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:13,802 but to me, she was so much more. 502 00:25:13,887 --> 00:25:16,174 Wait a minute. This was my eulogy for Debbie Reynolds. 503 00:25:16,265 --> 00:25:17,346 Hold on. 504 00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:20,011 Sorry. 505 00:25:20,102 --> 00:25:21,638 Here we go. 506 00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,895 That was Eileen's idea. 507 00:25:24,982 --> 00:25:26,689 It's a good joke. 508 00:25:30,154 --> 00:25:31,520 Dear Eileen... 509 00:25:33,157 --> 00:25:36,446 ...we have been husband and wife for 46 years. 510 00:25:37,161 --> 00:25:42,031 In all that time, I have never not been in love with you. 511 00:25:42,124 --> 00:25:44,867 I've been angry with you, confused by you, 512 00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,328 even hurt by you, but never not in love. 513 00:25:49,465 --> 00:25:51,297 You were the woman I was looking for 514 00:25:51,383 --> 00:25:53,215 ever since I started looking. 515 00:25:54,970 --> 00:25:59,010 Beautiful, smart, funny, strong, 516 00:25:59,099 --> 00:26:02,217 willing to sleep with me, eventually. 517 00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:05,936 If something good happened to me at work, 518 00:26:06,023 --> 00:26:09,812 it wasn't real until I shared it with you. 519 00:26:09,902 --> 00:26:11,859 If something bad happened, 520 00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:13,607 it was only tolerable 521 00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:16,064 because I had you to complain to. 522 00:26:19,912 --> 00:26:22,154 If I heard a funny joke, my first thought was, 523 00:26:22,247 --> 00:26:25,081 "I cannot wait to tell you, Eileen." 524 00:26:25,167 --> 00:26:27,124 Then I would get to hear your laugh, 525 00:26:27,211 --> 00:26:28,873 or you would roll your eyes 526 00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:31,170 and tell me the joke was a stinker 527 00:26:31,256 --> 00:26:32,872 and we would both laugh. 528 00:26:36,970 --> 00:26:41,806 I honestly do not know how to carry on without you, 529 00:26:41,892 --> 00:26:46,512 but I will because you told me to, in no uncertain terms. 530 00:26:46,605 --> 00:26:48,346 Shit! 531 00:26:49,566 --> 00:26:50,566 Sorry, Dad. 532 00:26:53,445 --> 00:26:54,686 Continue. 533 00:26:57,950 --> 00:27:02,035 Thanks for inviting me. I am having the best time. 534 00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:18,214 ♪♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 535 00:27:18,303 --> 00:27:23,515 ♪♪ Ya here ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 536 00:27:23,600 --> 00:27:27,594 ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 537 00:27:27,688 --> 00:27:32,274 ♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪ 538 00:27:32,359 --> 00:27:36,353 ♪♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪♪ ♪♪ Ooh-hoo ya yay ♪♪ 539 00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:38,938 ♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here ♪♪ 540 00:27:39,992 --> 00:27:44,703 ♪♪ Say ♪♪ ♪♪ Mocha-choca-lata ya ya ♪♪ 541 00:27:44,788 --> 00:27:51,376 ♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪ 542 00:27:51,461 --> 00:27:54,499 ♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪ 543 00:27:54,590 --> 00:28:00,052 ♪♪ Whoaa-ooohhh ♪♪ 544 00:28:00,137 --> 00:28:02,470 ♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪ 545 00:28:02,556 --> 00:28:08,223 ♪♪ Whoa-haa-ee ♪♪ 546 00:28:08,247 --> 00:28:10,247 http://hiqve.com/ 39137

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