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Come on.

How's it goin' in there?

Why? You got somewhere to be?

No, you've just... You've been in there a while.

What can I tell you? I urinate in Morse code.

Dots and dashes.

- Hey. - Hey. Just checking in.

No, we're okay.

I gave him some soup, and I'm trying to get him to sleep.

You should probably just spend the night.

No, no. He-he-he'll be fine.

- Dad. - Mindy, I've got this.

Hey, did you drop off Lisa yet?

Yeah. Why?

No reason.

Just when you see her again, try and talk me up a little.

I want her to like me.

You want her to like you?

What are you, in ninth grade?

Come on, help me out here.

Are you worried I might tell her about how Mom tried

to run you over in the Gelson's parking lot?

Right. Or why.

Relax. I'll make sure she knows what a great guy you are.

Thanks.

All right, let me wrap things up here

and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Okay. Bye.

Why?

He wasn't around much when I was growing up. It's payback.

Oh.

You think maybe you should call Phoebe?

It's 1:00 a.m. in New York.

A phone call at 1:00 a.m. is only bad news.

Well, this is kind of bad news, Norman.

Let her sleep. I'll call in the morning.

Are you sure? It's her mother, you know?

I know it's her mother!

You don't think I know it's her mother?

Okay, okay, take it easy.

Would you like to take a guess at how many times

Phoebe came to visit while Eileen was sick?

No, no, I wouldn't, no.

Zero! Not once!

Not even a-a, uh-uh, a thing.

- The, uh, what is it called? - What's what called?

The computer thing where you see the person.

- Uh, FaceTime? - No, no. The other one.

- The made-up word. - Skype.

Skype. Yeah, that. Not even a Skype!

- What a stupid word. - Well, I, uh, I'm sorry.

You know, I didn't know that. I...

Of course you didn't know. We're civilized people.

We keep our shame and suffering to ourselves.

Where it belongs, sure.

You still think I should wake my daughter

from her Ambien-induced coma

and share the news of her mother's passing?

Maybe buy her a plane ticket

so we could come back and grieve together?

Well, I feel like you're looking for a "no."

It's my own damn fault. I spoiled her rotten.

Now she's a selfish, pill-popping mess.

The one smart thing you ever did

was not buy your daughter an Arabian horse.

Oh, that's... that's very kind of you to say so.

Uh, you know, I, uh, I went through

a couple of tough years with Mindy.

Uh, you know, we're closer than ever now.

And I'm supposed to take from that what?

Never mind. Just get in bed.

I'll, uh, I'll tuck you in.

You'll tuck me in?

Get in the fucking bed.

Profanity, you know, is a sign of a lazy mind.

I'm sorry.

Please... get into bed.

- Much better. - You miserable fuck.

Lazy mind.

Are you going home?

"But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun."

What?

Yeah, I was going home. Why?

Um...

No reason. Just asking.

- Well, you want me to stay? - No, of course not.

If you want me to stay, I'm happy to stay here.

You're happy.

Aren't you a lucky man?

Norman...

Keep it down! I have neighbors.

Why don't I sleep here tonight, in case you need anything?

I won't need anything, but thank you.

I appreciate it.

Sure.

I'm locked out!

Try the back door!

Sandy.

Sandy.

- We have to plan the funeral. - What?

Eileen left instructions.

We need to get started. Come on.

- What time is it? Wha... - It's 4:30.

She wants Jay Leno to emcee

and Patti LaBelle to sing "Lady Marmalade."

- "Lady Marmalade"? - Yes. It was her favorite.

Can't we do this in the morning? Look, you can go back to sleep.

No. She was very specific.

No, I-I-I understand that, Norman.

No, don't worry about it.

She wants to be buried in an unpretentious coffin.

Preferably driftwood or recycled timber from a sunken ship.

Oh, fun. A scavenger hunt.

Ah...

You're peeing like me.

Now, about Jay Leno.

She loves him but says he shouldn't be allowed

to go on too long.

Four or five minutes, he's very enjoyable.

After that, he can wear out his welcome.

Got it.

Everything else is written out.

Guest list, catering,

floral arrangements, valet service.

Even the font for the programming. "Palace Script MT."

- Very elegant. - Yeah. I can see that.

I'm hungry.

Ask Streisand to sing "The Way We Were."

Norman, I don't think Streisand does funerals.

Listen, we really need to get started.

How long is your class?

- Hi, Sandy. - Good morning, ladies.

- It's an hour and a half. - An hour and a half?

You really have that much to teach these people?

As a matter of fact, I do.

Spencer Tracy said, "Know your lines

and don't bump into the furniture."

You make it hard to be your friend, Norman.

I knew Tracy. Mean drunk.

Rumor has it he ate on both sides of the buffet.

- Hey. - Hey.

I'm glad you spent the night.

Uh, why don't you hang out here?

Come here.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hi.

- How you holdin' up? - I'm okay, I guess.

- Keep an eye on him. - Sure.

Is he taking good care of you?

- Yeah. Mmm. - Mm.

Forgive me if I'm not really on my game. Um...

Last night, um...

Last night, I lost a friend to cancer.

And you know, it's-it's strange.

When I was in that hospital room and-and...

...looking down at a woman

that I've known and loved for more than 40 years...

and I found myself thinking about all of you.

And I'm always telling you to pay attention

to what's going on in your lives, you know?

To experience the feelings that come up...

no matter how painful.

Because...

that grief, that...

that, um...

unrelenting sorrow,

that's the raw material.

That's the gold...

an actor mines to create great performance.

So my tragedy is your gold?

Duly noted.

Sorry. He wanted to watch you teach.

Norman, I'm just trying to explain to my class

that acting is really an extension of living.

It's how we explore what it is to be human.

- Bullshit! - Oh, Jesus.

You know what it's like to be human?

Is that something you wanna know?

Fine, I'll tell you.

It hurts to be human. It hurts like hell.

And all the exploring in the world

doesn't make that hurt go away.

Because being human and being hurt

are the same damn thing.

You look at these prices? What a racket.

Yeah, it's awful.

Could we just pick something and get out of here?

Well, you're not shopping for tube socks, you know?

No, we are not.

You know this is a monopoly, right,

like the sunglass business.

One company controlling the whole thing.

I honestly don't know what to say to that.

What can you say? It's a travesty.

You want a casket made entirely of driftwood?

Or timber from a sunken ship.

Sweet Jesus.

Okay. Uh...

I'm not saying it can't be done,

but it would be a special order which would take some time.

Have you considered bronze or copper?

No. Too impersonal and it's not biodegradable.

Look, um... Woody,

I think what we need here is something

that's, uh, recyclable.

Eco-friendly. I understand.

Is your real name Woodrow?

- Yes. - You should go by that.

It's more dignified for a bereavement counselor.

I suppose, but, uh,

I've just been going by Woody since I'm a kid.

Yeah, well, you're not a kid now,

and no offense, but a guy named Woody selling coffins?

A little on the nose.

So, Woody, you were saying eco-friendly.

Oh, uh, yes.

We have a cardboard model

made in England, 100 percent recyclable.

I'm not burying Eileen in cardboard.

We're just looking at options, Norman.

How about bubble wrap? That's an option.

That's actually not biodegradable.

Woody, stay out of this.

Our alternative is to special order

the driftwood, which will take some time.

No cardboard!

Fine. Then we need other options.

She said driftwood or sunken ship timber!

I know what she said, Norman.

We have very specific instructions!

- Uh, you have to calm down. - Why is this a problem?

Go to the beach, get some wood that drifts up.

and make a driftwood coffin!

I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Okay. You want simple?

Hire a deep-sea diver

to locate a schooner or a pirate ship

and bring up some planks!

Could you excuse us for a minute, please?

- Norman. - What?

What?

- What? - All right, look.

You need to get a grip.

That poor bastard is doing his best to help us

and you, you're acting like a crazy person.

I've got a grip.

Go wait in the car. I'll handle this.

Really? Wait in the car? What am I, a child?

Right now, yes! Now go get in the car.

- We have instructions! - Go!

I'm sorry about that.

It's okay. It's a very emotional time.

Cardboard boxes are what you put a houseplant in

when you don't want it to leak in your car!

All right, what do we got?

This is a scene from a spec TV pilot I wrote.

Original piece. Okay, that's good.

- What's it called? - "Incestuously Yours."

It's a comedy.

About incest, that's brave.

But without jokes.

So no laughing.

Hopefully not.

Wow, okay.

Let's see it.

- Hey. - Hey.

Did mom say when she's gonna be home?

Do me a favor.

Please don't call her "Mom."

Sis, you've really

gotta get over that.

She's my mom, not yours.

Yeah, well, when she married our father, she became my mom.

Are you listening to yourself? You're being such a jerk.

And you're a bitch!

A bitch who sucks your cock!

Whoa! Whoa! Okay! Okay! All right.

Time out. Time out. Hold on.

Okay, um...

First of all, Darshani, kudos for writing the pilot.

Takes a lot of work, and I wanna encourage the effort.

It wasn't hard.

- I wrote it over the weekend. - Well, regardless...

And you told us if the parts we want to play

aren't out there, then we should just write them ourselves.

- I did say that. - This really happened to me.

- I have no doubt about that... - And...

Just stop talking.

Stop talking!

I'm sorry. Uh...

Honey, the whole point of doing this work

is to dig into our feelings

to see how it translates into actions that we take...

Our behavior.

I really don't know what you're talking about.

Well, what I want to see is how you feel

about being in a blended family.

It's okay.

What do you mean, that's it? It's-it's-it's just okay?

Except for fucking my half-brother,

it's pretty traditional.

We're doomed.

- Yeah? - It's Lisa. Got a minute?

Yeah, sure. Come on in.

Hey.

I kinda lost it in there, didn't I?

Kinda.

Some of these kids, they've got no shame.

Well, I think it's all the social media.

I mean, they grow up sharing everything with everybody.

No, no, I think it started earlier.

You know who I blame?

- Bill Clinton. - Really.

When blow jobs ceased to be sex, our civilization was over.

You want a drink?

Uh... no, thanks.

I just, uh, just wanted to check on you.

Well, thank you, you know.

I'm okay. A little tired, and...

Well, how's it going with Norman?

It's going. It's just kicking the shit out of me.

Mm.

Uh, well, I'm sure he's very grateful.

Oh, you'd be wrong.

Sit down.

I did find a guy from Santa Cruz

who makes coffins out of driftwood,

so, I mean, that's something, right?

Nice. Yeah.

And amazingly,

the funeral arrangements are coming together,

but the real question is whether Norman's daughter

is gonna show up.

How can that even be a question?

There was a lot of bad blood between her and Eileen.

Oh, yeah. Well, hmm, mothers and daughters, just...

Oh, you've got some experience with that?

Well, I have a mother,

who I hate with a red-hot passion.

So, yeah, a little bit.

A little fucking bit.

Mmm.

You wouldn't be interested in coming with me?

You're inviting me to a funeral?

Our first date wound up in a hospital.

Seems like a natural next step.

Gee, I don't know, Sandy. Uh...

Are you sure?

Patti LaBelle is singing "Lady Marmalade,"

"Lady Marmaduke," whatever the hell it is.

Jay Leno, he's gonna be the emcee.

And not to gild the lily,

but you might have a front-row seat to Ms. Barbra Streisand.

Damn it.

♪♪ Creole lady Marmalade ♪♪

Does this seem inappropriate to you?

Oh, this is nothing. Wait'll you see the drag queen.

♪♪ Lady Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪

♪♪ Now he's back home doing nine to five ♪♪

♪♪ Living his gray flannel life ♪♪

♪♪ But when he turns off to sleep... ♪♪

- You doin' okay? - Yeah, I'm fine.

♪♪ More more... ♪♪

Don't worry, she's gonna be here.

Hope so.

♪♪ Whoo-hoo ya ya ♪♪

♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here... ♪♪

Did you tell Jay to keep it short?

♪♪ Mocha-choco-lata ya ya ♪♪

♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Whoaaa ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa-ooh ♪♪

Goodbye, baby. I'm gonna miss you.

And Norman...

it is my prayer that the pain

you're experiencing now...

is God's way of transforming you

into a less annoying human being.

She never liked me.

How do you piss off Patti LaBelle?

You call her Roberta Flack.

You know, one of the greatest joys of my life

was having Eileen as a friend.

I remember...

the first time we met, I was a struggling young comic.

I'd just done a set at The Comedy Store.

It, uh... You know...

It did not go well.

But Eileen came up to me afterwards

and she said I was very funny, and she said she, uh,

she saw somethin' in me, you know?

So she sent me to see her husband,

a big-time agent, Norman Newlander,

and, uh, when I say "big-time,"

remember, this is the man who discovered Buster Thornton.

Who's Buster Thornton?

Exactly.

Anyway, I'm not in his office five minutes,

he says to me, "You know, your jaw's too big.

You're gonna frighten children."

I said, "I don't-I don't- I don't play for children."

He says, "It doesn't matter. It's distracting.

Oh, and your head, it looks like a piece of urban folk art."

What happened to keeping it short?

You know, folks, I could stand up here

and slam Norman all day until my jaw falls off...

but this is about Eileen,

and per her request, she had a performer

that touched her, well, like no other.

Someone who really needs no introduction.

So, Eileen,

this is for you.

My God, you got her?

Wait for it.

♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪

♪♪ Mm mm hmm ♪♪

♪♪ Mm mm hmm hmm ♪♪

That's a man.

It's what we could get.

♪♪ Mm hm memories ♪♪

♪♪ Light the corners of my mind ♪♪

♪♪ Misty water-colored memories... ♪♪

- Front row. - Yeah.

♪♪ Of the way we were ♪♪

He's magnificent.

I want to thank everyone for being here...

to help celebrate the life of a great lady.

I, um, I go back a long way with Eileen.

In fact, I'm the one that introduced her to Norman.

I didn't do it to be nice. Uh...

To be honest, I tried to date her.

I took her out to a fancy dinner,

hoped to get lucky.

I remember, uh,

afterward I walked her to the door

and I went in for a kiss...

and she ducked.

I mean, she actually ducked.

I chipped my tooth on her mezuzah.

Anyway, I had no patience

for women with integrity and self-respect...

so I set her up with Norman.

Let him not get laid.

She made me wait eight months.

There you go. And look what happened.

Since then, I have been in three unhappy, failed marriages

and you've been in one happy one.

Seems like you jerkin' off for a few months

was a solid investment.

But Eileen...

She wasn't just a good match for Norman.

Over time...

she became a good friend to me.

Someone I could always trust

to tell me the truth.

Someone who actually cared about me

even when I didn't deserve caring.

Before she died,

she asked me

to look after this guy here.

At first, I thought she was joking,

and then I realized she wasn't.

Because I thought,

"What a horrible thing to ask me to do."

I mean, you all know him. He's a bit of a dick.

But I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna honor her wishes...

because you don't say no to a great lady.

And Eileen Newlander...

was...

and will always be a great lady.

Thank you, Sandy.

You know, a friend of mine studied acting

under Sandy for ten years. Ten years.

And after a decade of intensive study,

today I'm proud to say

he's the head waiter at Spago.

Now, that was funny.

The world knew her mostly from her iconic movies

like "Singing in the Rain" and "The Unsinkable Molly Brown,"

but to me, she was so much more.

Wait a minute. This was my eulogy for Debbie Reynolds.

Hold on.

Sorry.

Here we go.

That was Eileen's idea.

It's a good joke.

Dear Eileen...

...we have been husband and wife for 46 years.

In all that time, I have never not been in love with you.

I've been angry with you, confused by you,

even hurt by you, but never not in love.

You were the woman I was looking for

ever since I started looking.

Beautiful, smart, funny, strong,

willing to sleep with me, eventually.

If something good happened to me at work,

it wasn't real until I shared it with you.

If something bad happened,

it was only tolerable

because I had you to complain to.

If I heard a funny joke, my first thought was,

"I cannot wait to tell you, Eileen."

Then I would get to hear your laugh,

or you would roll your eyes

and tell me the joke was a stinker

and we would both laugh.

I honestly do not know how to carry on without you,

but I will because you told me to, in no uncertain terms.

Shit!

Sorry, Dad.

Continue.

Thanks for inviting me. I am having the best time.

♪♪ Ooh-hoo-hoo ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Ya here ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa whoa who-ah-ah-aah ♪♪

♪♪ Gitchi gitchi ya ya da da ♪♪ ♪♪ Ooh-hoo ya yay ♪♪

♪♪ Gitcho gitcho ya yas here ♪♪

♪♪ Say ♪♪ ♪♪ Mocha-choca-lata ya ya ♪♪

♪♪ Creole Lady Marmalade ♪♪ ♪♪ Marmalade ♪♪

♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪

♪♪ Whoaa-ooohhh ♪♪

♪♪ Whoaaaa ♪♪

♪♪ Whoa-haa-ee ♪♪

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