Original subtitles

♪ You know I can't smile Without you ♪

♪ I can't smile Without you ♪

♪ I can't laugh And I can't sing ♪

♪ I'm finding it hard To do anything ♪

♪ You see I feel sad When you're sad ♪

♪ I feel glad When you're glad ♪

♪ If you only knew What I'm going through ♪

♪ I just can't smile Without you ♪

♪ You came along Just like a song ♪

♪ And brightened my day... ♪

Don't stress.

♪ Who'd Have believed that... ♪♪

Just relax.

I don't understand, man.

I understand you can lose keys, lose your wallet,

how do you lose a plane?

Reese, come on. What do you want me to do?

We got three out of four planes in.

That's still a lot of coke.

Now, see that? That's the kind of winning attitude

that's going to take this enterprise to the top.

In all fairness, Reese, it... it wasn't his fault.

Wait, wait, wait. What are you? An att--

Are you his attorney? Why are you in the conversation?

Come on, gu-- I'm kidding!

I'm just kidding with you.

He loves to joke.

Terrence here is absolutely right.

And, hell, three out of four ain't bad.

You know what? Let's celebrate.

Who wants a beer?

KITTY: Great.

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Baby!

Coke... it costs money.

Planes... they cost money.

This yacht, this perm, my kid's braces...

it all costs money.

Do you think Kitty's free?

Kitty, turn around.

What?

REESE: Turn around!

Reese...

please put the gun down.

Now, the next time

that a plane goes down,

you'd better be on it.

Will you do my back, please?

Sure, babe.

I don't want to tan weird.

Am I tanning weird?

No. You look good.

Honestly?

You're really bronzing.

STARSKY: There's no such thing as a petty crime.

No minor infractions.

There's only the law.

Freeze! Bay City P.D.!

That's me

in the leather jacket and tight jeans.

Whoa!

See that guy I'm chasing?

I hate him.

And I'm going to do everything in my power to stop him.

Let's play.

Because it's my job to stop him.

Ooh! Ah... ah! Damn.

And this city pays me a damn good salary

to do my job.

Besides...

he crossed the line.

Ow! Ah!

And in Bay City, when you cross the line...

Ah!

Your nuts are mine.

I said freeze!

My name is David Starsky, and I'm a cop.

HUTCH: I've always had

this theory about police work...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em.

No, no. No!

Put the money in there.

Too many cops worry about the wrong thing...

Crime.

Not me, though.

I'm looking out for numero uno.

Hey, Old Timer. Put this on Dallas.

Let's go!

I'm just a realist, that's all.

And besides, do you have any idea

how little the city pays us?

Freeze!

Bay City P.D.!

HUTCH: Whoa, whoa, take it easy!

Guys. Come on.

I'm undercover here.

Jeez.

My name is Ken Hutchinson, and I'm a cop.

Where'd they come from?

Jesus Christ, Starsky.

You fired three rounds into a crowded intersection.

We got an old man with a broken hip

and some asshole

wants me to buy a new top for his Caddy?

That purse had $7.00 in it.

Okay. Want my badge? Here, take it.

Fine.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on. I was just making a point.

David, David...

Your mother was one of

the finest cops Bay City ever seen.

Twenty-two years on the force with the same partner.

You have had 12 partners over the past four years.

She died a legend.

I am not...

My mother!

I'm sorry. Ah...

Detective Hutchinson is here.

Send him in.

Have a seat.

How you doing, captain?

I believe you two know each other.

Yeah, a little bit.

How you doing?

Yeah, right.

Hutch...

You've got a lot of explaining to do.

I know. I understand.

Look, I was trying to infiltrate one of the East Side gangs

and work my way up to the big fish. It's pretty simple.

You were robbing a bookie.

That's right.

You've robbed seven bookies over the past six months.

You haven't filed a report, turned in any money.

You haven't even arrested anybody.

How can I arrest them? They'll know I'm a cop.

Oh, I wouldn't worry. I don't think you're in any danger

of being mistaken for a real cop.

Oh, really?

Hey, why don't you do me a favor

and go get yourself another perm

and let the grown-ups talk?

For your information, my hair's naturally curly.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

That's a perm job all the way.

Touch it.

Hey!

Why are you touching him?

Jesus!

You know something?

You two deserve each other.

Make nice.

You're partners.

You're crazy.

No, I'm not.

Look, I don't know what you're so upset about here.

The guy cost us 200 grand.

A "thank you" might be more appropriate--

Who cares about 200 grand?

What if they link us to the murder?

They will not link us to the murder, all right?

Will you let it go, please?

Jesus. Take a 'lude or something. Calm down.

I did and I'm still pissed.

Okay, fine. Fine, fine.

Look, I'm sorry, all right?

I promise I'm not going to kill Terrence again.

Now pull it together.

Let's go.

Gentlemen, I apologize about the delay,

but I promise you what we have is worth the wait.

It looks like cocaine.

That's because it is cocaine.

With a twist.

You see,

we've managed to find a way to alter the cell structure

of the cocoa plant,

giving it properties

that heighten the perfluoralkylation process,

creating a new kind of diazomethane.

It, uh, gets a little complicated after that.

Excuse me.

So, do you get extra high or what?

Actually,

it has all the same effects as regular cocaine.

Well, if it's the same, why are we here?

Canis familiaris. The German Shepherd.

Its nose has over 220 million scent receptors.

It can detect smells

that even the most advanced technology in the world cannot.

For example...

Ivan...

search!

REESE: Ivan, stop!

What do you got? You holding?

Huh?

He brought old coke.

This is new coke.

As far as a dog's concerned,

there's nothing there.

100 percent undetectable, pure cocaine.

Got no coke smell.

Same coke ride.

Hmm.

Tastes kind of sweet.

If this shit wasn't illegal, guys,

we'd be up for the Nobel Prize.

Our initial run pumped out

about two tons of this stuff

and it will be available

for your purchase

in about three weeks.

You boys know who to call.

Ivan.

You don't understand.

They're not like you.

They're criminals.

Look, I know we all got to make living.

But these guys, they are dealing hard drugs

right in front of my shop.

I can dig what you're saying, Mr. Chabri.

First of all,

I want to thank you for coming in today.

Of course.

Those gentlemen you speak of?

They'll no longer be a problem.

You have my word.

This is my neighborhood and people tend to forget that.

Mm.

Bee Bee, make sure he gets home safely.

Yeah, boss.

Thank you very much, Huggy.

You are a great man.

Be gone, little Indian.

BEE BEE: Let's go, little man.

Come on. You're taking up time.

Okay.

This neighborhood is in desperate need of some help.

That's cold-blooded, Daddy.

Who's next?

You got Hutch waiting outside.

What you got my man waiting outside for?

Well, Hug, he brought some extra fuzz with him.

So what? You go get him and get him in here now.

What, you've never run an errand

on the clock before?

No, I happen to take care

of my personal business

after work, when the taxpayers

aren't paying me to protect them.

Give me a break.

You've never stopped to buy yourself a cup of coffee?

I bring a thermos.

Okay, Hutch.

He'll see you now.

Wait here.

I'll be back in five minutes.

♪ Everybody hold on ♪

Second door on the right.

How you doing?

Hi, Hutch.

♪ Well, all right ♪

Hey,

look what the wind blew in.

Huggy Bear.

Hey, I want you to meet

my new partner, David Starsky.

Hey.

How you doing?

Hey. Nobody touches the Bear.

Have a seat.

Hutch, you have the usual?

You know it. Make it a double.

Leon, get my boy a Jack and Tab,

and double that.

You got it, boss.

Hey,

I'll get a seltzer with a little lime

if you got it.

I don't got it.

Or not.

It's cool. I'm good.

Listen, I just came by to apologize

for what happened in Chinatown.

Let me tell you something,

I was as surprised as you were.

Don't sweat it, babe. I wasn't surprised.

You know I ain't never surprised.

STARSKY: Hey, champ.

You got a permit

for that weapon you're carrying?

Starsky, please.

Huh?

Uh, no. I don't.

Yeah, me neither.

I'm sorry,

did I say something that was funny?

Come on. Stop it. He's kidding.

No, I'm not kidding.

I want to see some permits right now or I'm confiscating

those weapons.

Hey, slow up, man.

Around here, we govern ourselves.

Think of us like, uh...

Luxembourg.

You dig?

No, I don't dig.

You see, Luxembourg's a constitutional monarchy,

an independent sovereign state

established after the Treaty of Vienna.

Technically, it's a part of Europe,

but in reality,

they govern themselves.

Like us.

Just like us.

All right, enough, okay?

Shit!

Whoa, whoa, hold up!

Just chill out!

Chill! Watch yourself.

Oh, no.

Jesus!

Hell, no.

What happened? Did he shoot Corky?

Your boy shot his tail off.

Corky lost his tail?

Yeah, well, you should keep that thing in a terrarium.

Man, what the hell is a terrarium?

What the fuck is a terrarium?

A terrarium's an artificial ecosystem.

It's designed to simulate Corky's natural habitat.

Well, I can dig that,

but I say we shoot him in the ass.

Oh, hell, yeah.

An eye for an eye.

Whoa, take it easy. Huggy, help me out here.

Slow up, fellas.

An iguana can lose his tail and grow it back.

He regenerates.

That's how he escapes

his predator.

Yeah, it's true.

It's a defense mechanism.

I read it in a magazine.

So, him shooting Corky's tail off

and us shooting him in the ass,

it really ain't the same thing.

No,

the punishment don't fit the crime.

And besides, it was an accident, right?

Right.

So, we're cool.

We're always cool, breeze.

Lower your pieces.

RADIO D.J.: Good morning, Bay City.

You are tuned in to KBAY, 93.3 on your dial.

This next tune is number eight on the charts

and number one in our hearts.

♪ Old days ♪

♪ Good times I remember ♪

♪ Drive-in movies ♪

♪ Baseball cards and birthdays ♪

♪ Take me back ♪

♪ To a world gone away ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Old days ♪

♪ Good times I remember ♪

♪ Gold days ♪

♪ Days I'll always treasure ♪

♪ Funny faces ♪

Hey, Hutch!

Whoa. There he is.

What's going on, Willis?

Same old, same old.

So, how's life at the clink treating you?

It's not that great.

I got some new tight-ass partner that they stuck me with,

and then...

I don't know.

Hopefully, it's probably not going to last that long.

So, got that $20 you owe me?

Twenty?

Willis, I thought it was five.

Hutch, that was my grandmother's birthday money.

Come on, give me a break for a second, okay?

I just told you I got a new partner.

Stuff isn't great for me down at the precinct.

You know?

Back off for a second.

Can I get it to you on Thursday?

Fine, but no later than Thursday.

No later than Thursday.

Word of honor.

Cute little kid.

Whew.

It's 10 o'clock. You're late.

I've been here since eight.

Eight o'clock?

I didn't know

this place opened at eight.

Well, don't sweat it, because you know what?

Crime called in sick.

It's going to get a late start too.

Crime called in sick. I like that.

So, what's on the agenda today?

Same as every day.

Finding bad guys, bringing them down.

We can take my car, right there.

That?

Yeah.

What the hell is that?

I don't know. It's like a camper/pickup truck.

What's the matter?

Well, we're undercover.

That sticks out like a sore thumb.

You think so?

You're in for a treat.

It's not that bad.

Whoa!

Man, your stock just went up

in my book, my friend.

Here. Pop the hood. Let me see what you got--

Hey, hey, hotshot, what do you think you're doing?

This is a Ford Gran Torino,

okay?

It's not some crappy camper/apartment.

There are rules.

Okay, okay.

You do not bang on the hood.

You never, under any circumstances, drive,

and you will certainly not

put your coffee mug on the roof of the car, okay?

In fact, no coffee in the car whatsoever.

Coffee goes on the ground, you get in the car, we go.

DISPATCHER: Attention, all units.

We've got a 61-40 at Bay City Marina.

HUTCH: Oh, no.

This is Zebra Three. We're on it.

Hang on.

You've got to be kidding me.

No way.

What?

Floater.

Nothing harder to solve

than a floater.

No prints.

Bodies usually bloat.

It's next to impossible.

All right, I say we...

push it out,

hope the current carries it

down to the next precinct.

What are you doing?

Trust me, you're gonna thank me for this one.

Hey, seriously, stop it.

Now, the key is not to pop it.

Hey.

You've got to be very ginger.

What are you doing?

I said drop the stick.

You're gonna point a gun at me?

Okay, fine, have it your way.

If it's so important, knock yourself out.

What are you gonna solve, anyway?

A murder.

I'm gonna solve a murder.

Monday, June 3rd, body of a male Caucasian,

apparently dumped from the Bay Bridge.

Whoa. Actually, there's no sign of impact,

so he was probably just dropped out at sea.

Could you please not talk

while I'm recording?

Thank you.

All right, you know what?

I'm just gonna call in the meat wagon.

Looks like you punched your last ticket, amigo.

I'm sorry,

did you just tough-talk a dead body?

I lost my flow.

Zebra-Three to base.

Dispatch. Go ahead, Zebra-Three.

We need a coroner notification.

We got a DB down at the municipal jetty.

10-4. Will inform.

Tell them to bring

a body bag and some galoshes.

He's a wet one.

Copy that, Starsky.

Found a wallet.

Nothing in it.

Medium rare. Okay?

You got it, Starsky.

Look at all these cops.

You really want to eat here?

It's a great place.

If you're one of the cops, eat at Pop's.

Okay, hot stuff.

Zebra-Three.

211 in progress. Please respond.

Go for Starsky.

Hurry, Starsky.

We got two perps holding up

a gumball machine on Fifth Street.

Let's go.

A gumball machine?

You might have to use

lethal force if necessary.

Very funny, Manetti.

Hey, it's Captain and Tennille.

I guess that means one of you would actually

have to make captain.

Radio is for police business only, Manetti.

That's true. Why did they give you one?

Let's get out of here.

STARSKY: It's not that funny.

That Manetti really thinks he's something,

but you know what?

He's not.

Take it easy.

You think that's funny?

No, no. I mean, no, you just got to rise above it.

What do we got in the wallet?

Not much.

A driver's license,

couple of receipts.

No cash whatsoever.

"Reese Feldman Corporation."

What do you call that?

Terrence Myers.

You know, that name does sound vaguely familiar.

Isn't he part of our Nearly There program?

Mm-hmm. I think he is.

Terrence Myers.

Baby, isn't he the guy

dating a Bay City Kitty?

Remember?

We were joking about it.

Really?

Bay City Kitty? You mean the cheerleaders?

You happen to remember her name?

Uh, no.

I don't.

Uh...

can I get you boys anything else?

Actually, we're good.

Thank you so much, though, honey.

That's my angel. I love her.

A second ago,

you mentioned the Nearly There Foundation.

What is that?

That's a program that we set up

to help ex-cons get back on their feet.

Part of their parole

is that they're required to have a job.

The catch-22 of it is,

not that many people are excited to hire a felon.

Yeah, those poor ex-cons,

they really can't catch a break, can they?

No, no, it's a vicious cycle

that those guys get caught up in.

Did you happen to see the article in The New Times?

You bet your ass I did.

I love that writer.

But I'd be lying to you

if I didn't say that we get some pretty good tax breaks too.

There it is. The kicker.

Just a perk.

This sly dog here.

Now what do you got?

Tickets to our annual fundraiser.

I'd love for you to be my guests.

Whoa. No, no, no. We can't accept gratuities.

It's against policy.

These don't look

like gratuities. They look like a couple of tickets.

I'd be happy to accept them.

Hey,

what about Terrence? Is he in some kind of trouble?

He's dead.

His body washed up in the marina this morning.

Oh, no.

Punched his last ticket,

as they say.

You know, you try to do all you can for these guys,

but it's just never enough, is it?

No, I guess it isn't.

When did you last see him?

The last place I saw--

Wow.

This is a nice boat.

Reese,

is this yours?

Uh, actually, that's a yacht.

I'm sorry, a yacht.

Excuse me. Hutch? Excuse me.

Can we please focus

on the investigation?

Sure.

Thank you.

I could use another one of these.

♪ Dancin', dancin' ♪

♪ Dancin' ♪

♪ Automatic, systematic ♪

♪ Full of color Self-contained ♪

♪ Tuned And gentle to your vibes ♪

♪ She's movin' ♪

♪ She's groovin' ♪

♪ Dancin' until the music stops Now ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Rhythmetic, acrobatic ♪

♪ She's a dynamite attraction ♪

♪ At the drop of a coin She comes alive ♪

Right on. That was great, girls.

Take five.

Let's go.

Look alive. Here they come.

We usually don't allow spectators.

Even cute ones.

David Starsky, Bay City P.D.

This is my partner, Ken Hutchinson.

Girls.

They're so cute.

I'm Stacey. That's Holly.

God, I loved your moves out there.

Fantastic.

I've never dated a cop before.

My horoscope said I should try new things today.

Is that right?

STACEY: You're awful!

So, what brings you around here, Officers?

Well, you know, that depends. Uh...

Yeah.

Uh, either of you two know a Terrence Myers?

Well, yeah. Heather dated him.

Oh, yeah.

The girl right over there

with the yellow top,

but, um, they split up a while ago.

We haven't seen him around.

Hello.

Let's ask Heather some questions.

Thank you. Oh, and be careful with those moves.

You could hurt someone.

That's why we practice.

Actually,

I was talking about us.

Where did that come from?

A little charm, although I would have tried the horoscope line.

No, too obvious.

Hey, wait up.

See what I mean?

Here's my number.

In case you need us for...

questioning.

Thank you, ladies.

Bye.

Bye.

He was always fascinated

by all that macho mobster bullshit.

I hope this is okay.

I need to make this quick.

I pick my kid up in 20 minutes.

Oh, yeah, totally.

We were gonna move in together,

and he promised

he'd quit all that stuff

after he got out.

But then he goes

and gets himself killed.

He's such an asshole.

I can only imagine what you must be going through.

I think that...

Honestly, you know,

if I knew what he was up to,

I'd be happy to tell you,

but we didn't talk much.

Yeah.

So, did you, um...

When did he...

Did he... What did...

So, Hutch,

do you got any more questions?

Yeah, well, um...

sure.

We could...

What's your sign?

Gemini.

What, uh...

What do you weigh?

What does that have to do with anything?

It has everything to do with anything,

and just answer the question,

please, ma'am.

Um...

around 115, I guess,

give or take a pound or two.

I wish I could be more helpful.

Just stop.

Don't do that.

You've been great.

I mean, it's terrific.

We got what we, you know, needed.

Anything else?

I'm good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Oh, wait.

Uh, I don't know if this will be of any help.

It's his. Take it.

I don't want it.

Okay. Thank you...

again.

Things getting any better at work, Hutch?

Actually, work was pretty good today.

How about you? Anything new?

Nope.

Did you get a chance to ask that girl out?

Huh?

Nah.

Willis,

I want you to meet my new partner, David Starsky.

Hey there, Willis. Nice to meet you.

Is this the dickweed you were telling me about?

Look, just shake his hand.

Come on.

Go on, hop in.

Willis...

Dickweed, huh?

His mom works late on Wednesday, so I kind of look after him.

You take a kid out on patrol with you?

Uh, yeah, that's what we do,

isn't it, Willis?

Patrol.

WILLIS: Whatever you say, Hutch.

Whoa! Damn!

♪ Keep on bumpin' ♪

♪ Keep on bumpin' ♪

WILLIS: Man, this thing is bad!

Don't encourage him.

♪ Keep on bumpin' ♪

Oh!

Oh, shit.

Starsky, this your ride?

Uh-huh.

Damn.

You just moved up a notch in my book.

That puts you at notch one.

I like your Lincoln.

It's a '76.

It won't be out till next year.

But I know some people that know some people

that robbed some people.

So, what do you hear on the street

these days, Huggy?

Dig this.

A little bird tells me

there's gonna be a big coke deal in Bay City.

One for the Guinness books,

so they say.

Interesting.

And, uh, who would this little bird be?

Look, man, I'll lay it out for y'all to play it out.

All right. What does that mean?

Don't worry about it.

Huggy, what can you tell us about this?

This looks like the work of Big Earl.

This boy loves dragons.

He makes these with his hands, you know?

There's his name stitched right up under the dragons' belly.

Big Earl?

Yeah, he sews, but he's one tough mother.

He owns a biker bar

about 80 miles east of Route Four.

Biker bar, huh?

What goes on down there?

I don't know.

Listen to Jim Croce, play darts,

whatever the hell else you white people do.

Look, fuzz,

I gots to buzz.

This meeting is adjourned.

That's it?

That's it. He lays it out for us to play it out.

Oh, and by the way, this little meeting?

It never happened.

What meeting?

C'est la vie, gentlemen.

♪ Keep on bumpin'... ♪

KITTY: It's this great new technique

where you press really hard.

Show me! With the hands.

What is it, a verbal technique?

No.

Keep your hands on me.

I'm teasing.

What do you got on these two cops?

I got everything. I got their records, their home addresses,

credit history.

Nice.

Starsky and Hutchinson?

They call him Hutch, actually.

I mean, it's like I don't have enough on my plate already?

I got a major coke deal,

my daughter's bat mitzvah,

which is turning into a total nightmare, by the way,

and now I've got these two guys.

You think they're on to us?

They are investigating a murder, my man.

That's what cops do.

It's why we pay taxes.

You're the worst.

Will you look at these two guys?

He's cute. The blond.

But I like dark hair.

Maybe we ought to just push this whole thing, huh?

Till things cool off?

Kevin, please, with the worry.

We're moving ahead as scheduled.

I'll handle those two clowns.

So tomorrow,

I say we check out this biker bar,

do a little deep cover.

Sounds good.

Who does your wig work?

I'm sorry, my what?

Your wig work.

Your undercover work.

You know, your disguises.

You have a wig guy?

Oh, yeah. He's incredible.

Well, if it isn't Sonny and Cher.

Sonny and Cher.

Sit on it, Manetti.

Oh, me sit on it?

Yeah, you sit on it.

Why don't you sit on it, Starsky?

How's that sound?

You wish. Because I'm never sitting on it. Ever.

That's not what I heard.

Ooh!

Whoa!

Starsky!

Come on. Come on.

Jesus!

Stop it.

What the hell is going on? What the hell is going on?

Cool your jets, Starsky.

Everybody, back off.

Including you, Manetti.

I apologize, Captain.

You're absolutely right.

You know, you're not even worth it, Starsky.

And for the record, those are hand towels.

The big towels are on the top shelf.

MAN: Hand towels. What a rod.

Jesus Christ.

He's right.

Go cover up.

♪ I pulled into Nazareth ♪

♪ Was feelin' About half-past dead ♪

♪ I just need some place ♪

♪ Where I can lay my head ♪

♪ "Hey, Mister Can you tell me ♪

♪ Where a man Might find a bed?" ♪

♪ He just grinned And shook my hand ♪

♪ "No," was all he said ♪

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ Take a load for free ♪

♪ Take a load off, Fanny ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ You put the load right on ♪

♪ Put the load right on me ♪♪

♪ And smokin' Big cigars ♪

♪ But I know I had it comin' ♪

♪ I know I can't be free ♪

♪ But those people Keep a-movin' ♪

♪ And that's what Tortures me ♪

Who are you guys?

My name's Kansas,

and this is my little man, Toto.

We're Jesters from up in Big Cliff,

coming down and check out your place.

Is this it? Is this your place?

Yeah.

Nice.

Tell me,

if you two are Jesters,

what's our credo?

Credo?

Uh, well...

You almost got me there.

There's no credo.

Other than the secret credo.

It ain't no secret.

It's written right on our damn crest.

So what, is that, like, a trick question?

Because if it's printed on the crest,

then you don't have to give it to us as a test.

Anybody could read the crest.

That wouldn't prove that we're Jesters.

Not cool.

That's a fake mustache.

Oh, really?

Well, I wonder if you think

this is fake.

Now, we got some questions.

I don't got to give you nothing, cop!

Wrong! First,

you got to give me a little respect.

Second,

you're gonna give me some answers,

comprende muchacho?

Whoa, hey!

I like your style.

I like your moves.

Now, where were we?

You were gonna tell us about Terrence Myers.

Who's Terrence Myers?

Ho-ho.

Wrong answer, Big Earl.

Big Earl? I'm not Big Earl.

I'm Jeff.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

No, no one's who they say they are.

Look.

Honest, think about it.

I'm not even big.

Yeah.

No, that's... a good point.

Well, maybe it's one of those ironic names.

You know, like Tiny over in Vice,

who's like eight feet tall.

Everybody says he's tiny--

I know, except this guy's sort of normal size,

so he'd have to be a lot smaller

with a name like Big Earl for it to be ironic.

You don't have to be a midget. I mean, the guy... You're not...

How tall are you?

I don't know. 5'9"?

Well, that is kind of...

That's basically, like...

Borderline. It's average.

Look, guys.

Big Earl got pinched two weeks ago.

He's in Bay City Correctional,

and I took over the bar

as a favor till he gets out.

Jeff, I'm sorry. We apologize.

We're going to pay Big Earl a visit.

I'll just get this for you.

There you go.

Good as new.

A little word of advice.

Next time you're watching a place,

don't claim that you own it just because you're watching it,

I house-sit for my sister.

It's not like I claim that I own her house, you know what I mean?

That goes for all y'all.

Don't pretend to be something you're not.

Just be who you are.

That's what's really cool.

How did you guys get in here?

Visiting hours are over.

Special treatment.

We got some questions about Terrence Myers.

Terrence Myers?

Yeah.

You made this jacket for him, didn't you?

Gee whiz,

I don't seem to know anyone by that name at all.

Hard customer.

Offer him a radio or some bullshit.

Maybe there's something we can do to make your stay

a little more comfortable.

Nice transistor radio for your cell, maybe?

No.

How about a TV?

I tell you what.

I do like your blond friend here.

Let me see your bellybutton.

No.

What...?

Let's go. Come on.

No, no. I'm not gonna--

Hold on a second.

He's obviously a freak. Just show a little skin.

I'm--

Just pull... Nobody's here.

Are we cool?

Yes, we're cool.

Oh, eureka.

God, that's nice.

Oh, it's like

a little bowl of oatmeal

with a hole in it.

I got one too.

I just got a little more brown sugar on mine.

Did you say Terrence Myers?

Yeah, I think I did make that little jacket.

In fact, we might have even pulled a job together.

What job?

Who were you working for?

Stand up, walk to the back, and do a slow spin for me.

Now, wait a second, Big Earl, I just showed you my stomach--

Come on, a deal's a deal, Earl.

Fine, then this conversation is over.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait.

Hold the...

Come on, wait a second.

Get up.

Tell him to take his jacket off.

Take your jacket off.

Slow spin.

He says to do a slow spin.

Tell him to arch his back,

and then look back at me, mean.

Like a dragon.

He says to arch your back

and look back at him, mean,

like a dragon.

But keep it mean.

Aah.

That's great. Tell him great job.

He can sit down.

You're a very convincing dragon.

You should feel good about that.

Just get this over with.

Okay, here's the deal.

Terrence and I worked as extra muscle

for a couple of dealers.

I'd like to tell you who they were,

but I don't know.

I never got a name.

I never got a face.

But I do know one thing.

They paid us in coke.

I was pretty pissed at the time.

I was hoping to get some cash,

because I'm not a coke dealer.

Right, so where's the coke?

We find that coke, we can probably trace it. Please.

Fine.

Fine.

Look, I like you guys, okay?

Especially you.

Okay? Don't feel bad about that.

But I like you guys, so I'll tell you where it is.

But, uh...

But first,

I need to see something, okay?

And it's gonna involve both of you.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

It's gonna get weird.

Two dragons.

BIG EARL: Ready?

Both take your shirts off.

But do it slow.

♪ Gonna find my baby ♪

♪ Gonna hold her tight ♪

♪ Gonna grab Some afternoon delight ♪

♪ My motto's always been "When it's right, it's right" ♪

Well, I guess

it's supposed to rain later tonight.

Yeah, that's what I heard.

Look, you know what happened--

Can we please not talk about this, Hutch?

We got the coke.

Now, let's not ever talk about it.

You're right.

That's a good policy.

We got what we came for.

You think dragons ever really--

Stop. I don't want to talk about it.

♪ So excited ♪

♪ Sky rockets in flight ♪

♪ Afternoon delight ♪

♪ Afternoon delight ♪♪

What the hell is wrong with you two?

Oh, come on. What are you...

You have brought disgrace

on everyone who's ever worn a uniform.

My God.

We didn't know there was a camera.

Look, Cap, we're sorry.

But at least we got the stash.

There's got to be 30 grams of coke here,

minimum.

Look, this could lead us to the dealers

that iced Terrence Myers.

Yeah, it's the beginning of the evidence chain.

We can print the bag, run forensics.

We did.

We got nothing.

What we got

is a bag of artificial sweetener.

What are you talking about?

This wouldn't pass for cocaine with my grandmammy.

Come on, that's impossible.

We got the stuff from Big Earl.

I'm taking you two off of this floater.

What?

I'm giving it to Manetti.

Manetti? Oh, come on, Cap!

Manetti's the worst cop on the force!

Starsky! Stop.

Go on. Sit down.

Come on.

Look, Captain, we're sorry,

but come on, you can't take us off this.

I just did.

Now leave.

Take your bag

of artificial sweetener

with you.

Kicking the chair was a nice touch.

Yeah, too bad it didn't work.

He'll get over it.

What I can't figure out

is why Earl got paid with bunk cocaine.

Look, right now, we've got two leads.

We do?

Stacey and Holly.

Those two cheerleaders?

No, no, no.

Those two witnesses.

They met Terrence, right?

Let's take them out, see what we can learn.

I mean, is it our fault

that they also happen to be a couple of hot foxes?

Look, Reese, I couldn't help myself.

They were cops.

They were just too macho.

Macho?

It's pretty simple, Earl. You should have lied to them.

I did lie. I lied about you. I didn't tell them anything.

But I had to give them something.

They were so pure.

You're very lucky you're in the joint, my man.

Do you understand me when I say that?

Look at the bright side, okay?

Bright side?

This is the ultimate test.

That coke was in the police station all night,

and they cleared it.

You should be happy.

Well, guess what?

I'm not happy.

I'm not happy at all about it!

Shh, shh.

Don't shush me!

Calm down.

Don't shush me. Don't tell me to calm down,

do you understand?

What are you wearing?

Real quick. Be honest.

What am I wearing?

Silk flowered shirt and a vest.

Why?

That's gorgeous.

You sick son of a bitch.

Don't hang up. Don't hang up!

Some people.

HOLLY: I'm not gonna be able to fit in my uniform tomorrow.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

Is this the way you two always treat your witnesses?

Well, that depends.

If it's a misdemeanor,

we've been known to skip the fondue

and go right to the foot massages.

Oh!

Watch out. Wait a minute. I think that's police brutality.

Whoa.

Anybody for some coffee?

No thanks.

Okay, one for le chef.

STACEY: This place is great.

It serves my needs. It's cozy.

Hey, Hutch,

can you help me find the sugar?

It's in there.

No, Hutch, help me find the sugar.

Oh. Okay.

Pardon me.

Okay.

How we doing?

Great.

Your fondue just put us over the top.

Let me ask you something. Which one do you like?

Because we're going to stick to this.

Well, I've always had a thing for blondes.

Good, cause I'll take anything.

All right, good.

They're both such sweet little angels.

Now, in two minutes, I want you to grab my guitar,

bring it out to me,

put it in my hands, and then step back.

You play?

Just bring me the guitar.

Hey, hey.

Where's the sugar?

I don't think I have any.

Come here, both of you.

You're so funny.

Magpie convention in here.

This could help out.

Thank you, Big Earl.

Do you ever get scared out there?

On the streets?

Yeah.

I'd like to say no,

but the truth is, I do sometimes.

Here we go.

It's more that there's someone out there

I might not be able to help.

A citizen that needs aid,

or even an animal.

Look what I found.

Put that away.

Hutch, you got to play. Come on. Play, play, play, play.

Please. Come on.

Don't you want to play?

Come on, Hutch. Hutch!

Whoo! All right.

Holly, turn off the music, okay?

Now. Come on.

Oh, sorry.

Look alive.

♪ Hutch is gonna play ♪

What have you gotten me into,

Starsky?

STACEY: Whoo!

Thought we were partners.

Come on, Hutch.

One, two, three.

♪ Don't give up on us, baby ♪

♪ Don't make the wrong ♪

♪ Seem right ♪

♪ It's written In the moonlight ♪

♪ Painted on the stars ♪

♪ We can't change ours ♪

♪ Don't give up on us, baby ♪

♪ Lord knows We've come this far ♪

♪ The angel and the dreamer ♪

♪ Who sometimes plays a fool ♪

♪ Don't give up on us, I know ♪

♪ We can still come through ♪♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Whoa!

Wow.

Whoo!

That was great, Hutch!

Come on, you guys.

It was just a guy up here with a guitar,

singing his heart out,

you guys.

Starsky's bored.

Anybody else bored?

What?

Huh?

A club could be fun.

Club!

Yeah?

Okay, I'll get some more coffee, and then we'll go.

Is he okay?

♪ Ooh, and it's all right ♪

♪ And it's coming along ♪

♪ We got to get right back To where we started from ♪

♪ Love is good ♪

♪ Love can be strong ♪

♪ We got to get right back To where we started from ♪

♪ Do you remember the day ♪

♪ That sunny day ♪

♪ When first came my way? ♪

Isn't this place great?

Uh-huh.

Do you like coming to places like this?

Because, you know, you're a cheerleader,

so you're always dancing in formation like this,

but then you come here, it can't be much fun,

because it's like you're at work or something.

Are you okay? You seem kind of wound up.

Wound up?

No, I'm just pumped. I'm excited, you know?

Rock solid, ready to go. A little bit paranoid,

but feeling really, really good, you know?

Can I kiss you?

Okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch it, man.

Excuse me?

I said watch it.

This floor's made for dancing.

You can tell by the lights.

You want to tangle, Curly?

No, no, no. We're gonna dance.

No, no, no, no, no.

Curly wants to tangle.

Do you really want a piece of this?

Oh, I don't want a piece.

I want the whole thing.

Yeah!

Oh, my, folks!

Please don't do this.

Hutch, don't worry. I can take this guy.

It's not that.

You shouldn't do this

because it's so incredibly lame.

Tonight, our very own Dancing Rick

is being called out by new guy David Stamsky.

No, no. Starsky.

Right back at you.

So folks, if you've got a pair of sunglasses,

I advise putting them on,

because I've got a feeling these two are gonna light it up!

Boz, reel it in!

All right, everybody settle down. Everybody settle.

You know the rules.

Keep it safe, keep it sexy,

and above all, turn up the night!

All right, Dancing Rick getting warmed up here.

What's he gonna bring out

for the appetizer course?

Oh, it's a little

hand-over-hand tuggle man,

right into the center of the floor.

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it ♪

Yeah, it's...

Oh! That's all he's giving him, folks.

That's a bucketful of confidence, right there.

Over to new guy,

David Starsky.

Oh!

This guy could be trouble.

Oh, it's the Wild West.

Those are six guns full of sexy.

The good, the bad,

and the groovy.

All right, one, two, three, four,

we've got disco war, folks.

Dancing Rick's going, "I don't like you,

but I respect your moves."

Here comes Starsky again.

Oh, driving that disco big rig.

Shift gears, blow your funky horn.

Pull it into the truck stop

and get yourself some scrapple made out of sexy.

Disco Rick brings it right back,

and he's not wasting any time, folks.

Oh, from the future

of 1984,

that's a funky disco robot.

Oh, they're both on the floor, folks,

eye to eye. It's disco Vietnam.

Neither one's blinking.

Neither one's backing down.

Let's see what happens.

Oh, angry cat.

Kitten has claws.

All right, it looks like it's over.

Remember, two dollar...

Oh, my God!

David Starsky taking it over the line!

Yeah!

Whoo!

How about that?

Very sexy, very macho.

But you know what?

That's a little too close to call.

We're gonna have to depend

on our patented American Lights applause-o-meter,

so let's bring out our combatants, folks.

Come on, big hand for them.

Here we go.

First off,

over to my man, Dancing Rick.

And over to the new guy, David Starsky.

Yeah!

Close, folks! Pretty close.

I hate to do this,

but I got to give it to my man, Dancing Rick.

What?

Hey. Hey. Do it again.

That's BS.

What?

I won. Do it again.

Do the applause thing again.

It was just for fun--

I said do it again,

liar!

Not cool, not cool!

Liar! Do it again!

All right. All right.

Hey, hey.

Settle down. Settle down.

I'm a cop. It's cool.

HUTCH: It's okay.

It's okay! It's okay!

Calm down, people.

Bay City P.D.

We got him.

We're gonna get you home.

Where am I?

You were freaking out.

I had to take you down.

What?

There we go.

♪ I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Easy does it.

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

Here we go.

Oh. I think I was drugged.

Sounds like you did some coke.

I mean, from what I've read about the...

effects.

I don't use coke.

That coffee tonight...

What is that?

Sweetener, right?

That the stuff we got from Earl's?

What are you doing with this?

Hey, Hutch?

Where'd you get this?

I beat that guy.

What was that about?

Sure, you did. You won. You won.

You danced your heart out.

And everybody saw it.

Shh.

Go to sleep.

I was robbed.

I know. We was robbed.

We was robbed.

Go to sleep.

Shh.

Go to sleep, tiny dancer.

All right.

Jesus Christ.

Is he okay?

Oh, yeah. He's okay.

He just needs to sleep it off.

Quite a night, huh?

You can say that again.

Guess it's kind of winding down.

Well, it doesn't have to be over.

What do you mean?

♪ They keep trying to tell me ♪

Whoa. Where did that come from?

♪ All you want to do is use me ♪

I just want you to know,

I really like your partner.

Oh, I know. He's such a good guy.

This is just, like, whatever.

Yeah, I don't think we even have to judge it.

It's just... It's too natural.

Okay.

Do you guys want to kiss?

♪ I want to spread the news ♪

♪ That if it feels this good Getting used ♪

♪ Oh, you just keep on Using me ♪

♪ Until you use me up ♪♪

HUTCH: I hear somebody stirring.

There he is.

Whoa.

I feel for you.

Ow! Oh.

Jesus!

Please, turn that off!

Easy, easy, killer. Just a blender.

Ugh.

What time is it?

Time for Hutch's hangover cure.

What's in it?

Pepto-Bismol, Aunt Jemima mix,

Tang, and a little flat Tab.

Oh. Most important thing.

And a raw egg.

Saves lives. Trust me.

And?

It's good.

What did I tell you?

Sorry about last night.

Thanks for taking care of the girls.

Hey, no problem.

Happy to do it.

What are partners for?

Oh, speaking of which...

I checked this stuff out,

and even though it tastes like sugar,

that is cocaine.

You sure?

I'm sure.

Stacey's sure.

Holly's sure.

How do you like your eggs?

Didn't Huggy mention something

about a coke deal going down?

"One for the Guinness Book"

was how he put it.

Seems like a pretty big coincidence, huh?

Hey, why don't you let me drive?

You don't look so good.

No.

If I'm alive, I drive.

Rhyming already. You must be--

You okay?

I'm fine. He blew out my frickin' window!

All right! Enough with the car already! We get it!

Stop shooting my car!

Okay, cover me.

Say when.

Go!

HUTCH: Zebra-Three to base.

I want you to run a plate for me.

Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.

Larry, one, apple, nine, eight, four.

Damn it!

You okay?

Look at this!

This is horrible!

I mean, what kind of world do we live in

where somebody does something like this?

Well, I think he was aiming at us.

Do you think this is funny?

Seriously, do you think this is funny?

Zebra-Three,

we have an I.D. on that plate.

Lee M. Chau, 1325 Western.

Ready to dish out a little payback?

Freeze!

Bay City P.D.!

What the hell was that?

I think it's his kid!

Just sit tight, little boy!

Oh.

Well, well, well.

This looks familiar.

Possession of cocaine and attempted murder, huh?

Jesus!

What was that?

That ain't a kid!

It's a tiny, little man!

And he's got knives!

Goddamn!

Jesus, my arm!

Oh, shit!

Make him stop!

Make him stop! Tell him to stop!

Stop it!

Starsky!

Starsky, we need to go now!

Come on!

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

All right, now.

Okay.

Time out. Let's just take a little break.

I'm gonna get out--

Jeez!

Ow! Oh, mama!

Ow! What is your problem?

I said time out!

Ow. Hutch!

A little help.

Oh, he pinned you good, partner.

On three. One, two!

Ow!

Time to answer some questions,

old man.

Who's the limber little dwarf

you got throwing knives at me and my partner?

That was no dwarf. That was my son.

Liar!

Come on, you're going downtown.

Let's go, Starsky. On your feet!

Now,

you want to tell me who hired you?

We have a saying in Koreatown.

It goes,

"Kiss my yellow ass, copper!"

All right, you want to play games?

I got a game for you, Chau.

Let's play a little Russian roulette.

We've got a little saying

here in Bay City.

"You cross the line,

your nuts are mine."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

There's really a bullet in the gun.

Yes, I know.

That is the point of Russian roulette.

Come on! You want to play?

No, the bullet went back inside!

Come on, you want to play?

Let's play!

Don't do it!

Your turn!

No!

Come on, I thought you wanted to play.

You want to play a game?

Oh, my God!

What are you doing?

Jesus!

Our little friend here is about to talk.

What? No, hold it.

All right, enough with the talking, huh?

Let's go.

What? No!

You're crazy!

Are you out of your mind?

Calm down.

Calm down?

He tried to kill me. He shoot everything.

I have heart attack already.

It's over. It's over.

Just calm down.

What?

No, nothing.

This guy is funny.

It's not about you.

That's great.

He can be your new partner.

Chau and Hutch.

Sounds cool.

Forget it.

All right, Chau,

what else can you tell me about the guys that hired you?

Not much.

Couple of whities.

Nice suit. Perry Ellis.

They pay, I do job.

What did they look like?

I don't know.

They were white.

All you guys look alike to me.

That's funny.

All you guys look alike to us.

Orientals.

So where did you meet him?

Well, we met, uh...

How do you say?

By water.

At the beach?

No, no, no, no.

On water.

Right, a boat. You met on a boat.

No, no, no.

Not a boat.

It's a yacht.

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I feel like Makin' love to you ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪

Come on, y'all!

♪ In a restaurant ♪

♪ In a topless bar ♪

♪ In a high school bus ♪

♪ In the back Of your mama's car ♪

♪ On a trampoline ♪

♪ In the middle Of a putting green ♪

♪ Anywhere you're near or far ♪

♪ Right here At this bat mitzvah ♪

♪ That's the time ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ I feel like making L-O-V-E T-O Y-O-U ♪

♪ Oh, baby ♪♪

All right.

Rock into womanhood, Elizabeth.

We know that you will.

All right.

What's that supposed to mean?

We have a special delivery for the little lady.

It's right over here.

Let's see what's inside.

♪ Isn't it rich? ♪

♪ Isn't it queer? ♪

♪ Me here at last On the ground ♪

These pantomimes suck.

Don't look at me. I didn't hire them.

Well, who did?

I don't know.

♪ Where are the clowns? ♪

These pantomimes aren't very good.

♪ Send in the clowns ♪

This must be Reese's big surprise.

Look at me, guys. I'm a mime too.

You know what I mean?

Everyone's miming something.

Embarrassing.

♪ They're here ♪

Reese just left.

Yeah, I know.

Stay here.

I'm gonna follow him.

No, no, no, you stay and I'll follow him.

No, you stay. You've got to keep them occupied.

You're doing great. They love you.

I might do the glass wall one more time.

CHILD: Boo!

I think it's terrific.

I don't know. Tell the guy you like him.

Ask him to sit next to you at the cafeteria.

How do I know how that works? What am I, your counselor?

I'd like to get to the information that I need, okay?

It's done.

My buddy delivered the package.

Okay?

It's in your garage.

It's locked up nice and tight

in case anybody gets nosy.

Is he positive that no one saw him?

Not a soul.

Now,

about my fee...

You'll be paid

as soon as I've checked it out, all right?

I've got to get back to my daughter's bat mitzvah.

What?

Mazel tov, man.

Thanks.

They grow up so fast.

Go play dragon. I've got to go.

All right. Big kisses.

Thank you so much, everybody, for coming out tonight

to celebrate my little girl's bat mitzvah.

I guess I should say "young woman."

It'll take me a while to get used to that.

This guy's good. It's pretty sweet.

It's in his garage.

What?

The cocaine. It's in his garage.

Are you sure?

Yeah. We take him down now.

Come on. Let's go.

♪ My eyes adore you ♪

All right, cut the music.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cut the music.

Hey, guys,

I think I speak for everyone

when I say we're a little mimed out.

Yeah, well, don't worry. Show's over, Feldman.

We're putting you under arrest for possession

with intent to sell. This man's a drug dealer.

Okay, I think that we have--

Maybe you didn't hear us.

You're making the biggest mistake of your life, clown.

You hear me?

You're the one making the mistake, pusher man!

Kevin, call my attorney, please.

Ridiculous.

Open it.

My hands are tied.

All right, fine.

Allow me.

Now, let this be a lesson to everyone,

especially you kids.

Don't be fooled by the first-class suit

and the big house.

Reese Feldman's nothing more than a two-bit drug dealer.

You want some proof?

Here's some proof.

This is a bad man.

And this is what bad men do.

FELDMAN'S DAUGHTER: A pony!

Happy bat mitzvah, baby. I love you.

It's all right. It's okay. Come here. Come here.

We'll get you a new pony.

Hey there, little fella.

You okay?

Mr. Feldman,

on behalf of the entire Bay City Police Department,

I sincerely apologize.

That's okay, Captain.

My attorney here would

love to take them down,

but I know

that in the bottom of their hearts,

these two detectives

were just trying to protect me

and my family.

I got you.

Thank you.

I respect your attitude,

but you can be sure it will never happen again

because as of right now,

both of you

are suspended indefinitely.

Look, Cap, this was my fault. There's no--

Come on, no.

No, no, no, no.

Don't drag Hutch into this. I shot the pony.

Since when do you care what happens to Hutch?

You filed for a transfer

two weeks ago,

citing his behavior as a reason.

Captain--

Oh, yeah, yeah. Check this out.

Sounds like you're

quite the crime fighter, Hutchinson.

You filed for a transfer?

Guns and badges,

right here, on my desk.

Your mother would be very disappointed in you.

Man, I've really had it with that Doby.

I mean, it's enough, already, you know?

"Cavorting with nefarious characters."

"Conduct unbecoming of an officer."

Look, I wrote that thing two weeks ago, okay?

Things are really cool with us now. I--

Did you go through my locker?

No.

You went through my locker.

I mean, I might have looked inside of it

when it was already--

If you've got a problem with someone,

you tell it to their face. You come to them as a man.

You don't go behind their back and write a thesis

and try to get transferred to another precinct.

Backstabber!

Yeah, don't anybody work with David Starsky.

He'll stab you in the back.

You have got to let this go.

We got so lucky.

These guys screwed up.

They can't even touch us now.

It is over.

I don't care.

No one dresses up like a mime and embarrasses me

at my daughter's bat mitzvah.

In my own house, no less.

Let's have some perspective here, okay?

We're almost finished.

We're a few days away from closing a $35 million deal.

Why don't you let it slide?

Yeah, I'll let it slide.

When they're dead.

Mm.

Why did I get so lucky?

I don't know.

I just love when you talk so tough.

Of course you do, baby.

That's why you're my girlfriend on the side.

♪ We've only just begun ♪

♪ To live ♪

♪ White lace and promises ♪

♪ A kiss for luck ♪

♪ And we're on our way ♪

♪ We've only begun ♪

♪ Before the rising sun ♪

♪ We fly ♪

♪ So many roads to choose ♪

♪ We start out walking And learn to run ♪

♪ And yes, we've just begun ♪

♪ Sharin' horizons That are new to us ♪

♪ Watchin' the signs Along the way ♪

♪ Talkin' it over Just the two of us ♪

♪ Workin' together day to day ♪♪

"It's ruined me."

Excuse me, Smoky.

Let me have a minute with my friend.

He didn't care if he got ruined.

That was the whole point of the episode.

He didn't... Did you see...

Look here, Hutch.

You're gonna have to lay up off of this juice.

You done had too much to drink.

Come on.

I feel like a million bucks.

Just laughing,

having a good time.

Look, man, it ain't even funny no more.

There used to be a time around here

when you peed against the wall,

and you did it outside.

Lighten up. It's Friday night.

Okay? It's a bar.

Hutch, it's Wednesday afternoon, man.

Snap out of it.

What time is it?

It's five o'clock, man.

Shit. I'm supposed to pick up Willis at three.

Wait, Huggy, I'm sorry, we...

Hutch!

Hey, Hutch!

You home?

You were supposed to pick me up at three o'clock today.

What happened?

Deadbeat.

HUGGY: "'If you could have yourself one wish,

"what would it be for?'

"Mama put the salt back on a straight line

"with the pepper

"and got the look on her face

"like when she be telling me

"that old, wise stuff.

She told Nobie that he should wish for..."

Good friends.

Free to Be You and Me.

That's what Mama tells Nobie to wish for, right?

Well, well, well.

How you doing, Willis?

I'm pretty good.

Yeah? Got you something.

Damn.

A wrist rocket.

Watch out with that thing. Very powerful.

Cool.

Thanks, Starsky.

Now, I'm pretty sure those are illegal, Willis,

and even though you're my friend,

I might have to report you to Doby.

All right, look, Hutch, can we...

Is it all right

if I talk to you outside for a second?

No, I better stay here with the kid.

All right.

Hey, feel better, all right?

You got it.

Can you believe that guy? What a...

Hutch,

the man was trying to apologize.

HUGGY: Dig this, man.

Someone once said,

"To err is human, to forgive, divine."

What idiot said that?

I believe that was God, the greatest mack of all.

David! David.

Yeah?

Okay, so what did you want to say?

Nothing. Nothing. Apparently, you know, you're too busy,

and I'm not worth it, so it's fine.

No, really. It's good.

Come on, let's hear it.

There's nothing that, you know...

I was just going to say

that I, um...

that I think you're...

I think you're a good cop.

Yeah, well, thank you.

And, uh...

I am sorry

about what I wrote in the report.

Yeah, because I'm telling you, that...

I felt like I'd just gotten, like, my world rocked.

It's like... Are you crying?

What's that? Are you crying?

Am I crying? No, I'm not crying. You're crying.

It's okay to cry. People cry.

It's great, but I'm not crying.

I don't... I'm not a crier.

I don't cry. I...

You know, I work out. I have hobbies.

I don't... I don't...

Come here.

What?

Come here.

I forgive you, all right?

Okay.

I forgive you.

Okay, that's probably enough.

That's enough.

Okay, are we good?

Yeah, we're good.

Okay, because we got some people that want us dead, okay?

They took a shot at you, they tried to blow up my house,

almost killed little Willis.

We got to do...

Now what?

Nothing. I'm just excited.

I want to get these...

Let's get these scumbags!

Get them!

That's what I want to see.

Go! Good. Get some tissues.

What are you doing?

♪ If you want to hang out ♪

♪ You've got to take her out ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ If you want to get down ♪

♪ Down on the ground ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ She don't lie, she don't lie She don't lie ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ If you got bad news ♪

♪ You want to kick them blues ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ When your day is done ♪

♪ And you want to run ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪

♪ She don't lie, she don't lie She don't lie ♪

♪ Cocaine ♪♪

Man. Take a look at that.

Look, I'm telling you, it's right here.

Reese is meeting with the biggest drug dealers

in Bay City

in back alleys all over the place.

Mm.

But talking isn't illegal.

Yeah.

The guy's not stupid.

He knows how to stay clean.

The dirty ones always do.

We gotta find a way to get close to him,

and hear what's going on.

It's gonna be tough.

The guy knows what we look like.

He doesn't know what Huggy Bear looks like.

Man, this is a bunch of crap.

I am an urban informant.

I am not a snitch.

Come on, Huggy. What's the difference?

A snitch wears a wire.

A snitch is the scum of the information industry.

Oh. This might hurt a bit.

A snitch has no soul. Ah!

Damn, man, that shit hurt.

I'm sorry.

You've got to be more careful.

I know.

We wouldn't ask you to do this unless it was really important.

I'm going to owe you one.

No, you gonna owe me

more than one, man.

Well, let's slow down with the scorekeeping,

because I might have to start remembering

some of the stuff I've overlooked over the years,

and then mention it to my partner here.

How'd that be?

All right, man. Get this over with.

Hurry up.

All right. All right.

Good. We're done.

All right, let's get that outfit.

HUGGY: Outfit?

HUTCH: Ta-dah.

Oh no, man.

You know Huggy Bear wouldn't wear that, man.

Y'all gonna have to come up with something better than that.

Y'all got to take that shit back to Florida.

That ain't me, babe.

REESE: Mr. Casual.

So nice of you to join us.

Sorry about that, sir.

What would you say this is?

Uh, golf?

Real funny, Amos. Give me the nine iron.

Where the hell's my nine iron, man?

Well, I was going to bring the other bag--

Let me explain something to you, all right?

You are in charge of this area right here.

The clubs come out,

but they got to go back in.

Now, I realize this is a very complex procedure,

but it's up to you to manage the whole business.

Do you got that?

HUGGY: Yes, sir.

REESE: I should make you run your ass

back to the driving range and get it for me.

Just give me the wedge.

Three wood?

My man gave me a three wood.

REESE: Do you even know what a pitching wedge is?

Are you even a real caddy?

Come on.

Look, man.

This grass is Alabama Creeping Bend,

as opposed to Georgia Creeping Bend.

It's lighter.

KEVIN: Lighter meaning faster?

Exactly.

Hold this.

KEVIN: Look at that. Good shot.

You know a lot about golf.

I know even more about grass.

I don't question that.

REESE: That was a great shot. Don't even start.

KEVIN: Yeah, fine, whatever.

Back to business. Now, the stuff...

Yeah?

Is all ready to be moved.

Okay? All two tons of it.

We're gold, but we just need to be at the banquet

by 2:00 p.m., right?

Is there anything else?

No. Just stay calm and--

What, are we dating?

Why are you standing so close to me?

Back off.

It's cool, baby.

What is your deal?

The Nearly There banquet.

Remember he gave me the invite?

It's tomorrow.

How's he going to move

two tons of coke at a banquet?

I don't know, but we got to be there.

Can't. He'll kill us if he sees us.

You want to use my wig guy.

♪ Love ♪

♪ Love will keep us together ♪

♪ Think of me, babe, whenever ♪

♪ Some sweet-talking girl Comes along ♪

♪ Singing her song Don't mess around ♪

♪ You just got to be strong Just stop ♪

♪ 'Cause I really love you Stop ♪

♪ I've been thinking of you ♪

♪ Look in my heart And let love ♪

♪ Keep us together ♪

♪ You You belong to me now ♪♪

Hello, sir.

May I check your briefcase?

Hi. Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much.

Now, what you want to do is take this ticket stub.

It's for the raffle.

And see that car up on stage?

There's seven of them,

all up for grabs, with plenty of trunk space.

Oh.

Trunk space. I get it.

Very good. Thank you very much.

♪ Look in my heart ♪

♪ And let love... ♪

♪ Keep us together Whatever ♪

♪ I will, I will ♪

♪ I will ♪♪

STARSKY : That's what I'm talking about.

Right here.

There we go.

What do you think?

Oh, I love it. Great stuff.

Yeah, you look like, uh...

just like a rich cowboy

who came riding in off the farm. Hey, do me a favor.

Tip your hat forward. Just tip it forward. Come on.

No, I like it where it is.

No, seriously, come on. Do it. Do it.

Will you-- Will you stop with that?

That voice makes you sound crazy.

It does not make me sound crazy.

It makes me sound like Maury Finkle.

Finkle Fixtures, biggest fixture chain in the Southland.

Oh. It's a little voice and a character.

You got a whole back story, that's good.

Yeah. Little touches, you know.

What are you going to do?

Well, I don't really-- I don't really have a character.

I don't really do voices.

What? What are you talking about?

We're going upstairs. Half those people will recognize us

if we don't have a character.

Think of something. This is it.

Okay, okay.

Buck up. Let's do it.

How are you? How's it going?

All right.

How you doing? All right.

Look at these two hot chickens.

Finkle wants some dinkle.

Give it to me, huh?

Come on. Do it.

Lay it on, right here. Do it. Do it.

He means a kiss. We're doing little voices.

Undercover.

Come on, sweetie. All right. Okay.

Oh, that's a sweet little pucker.

Hi. Can I get you two a drink?

You sure can, sweetheart.

Johnnie Red, neat, okay? Do it. Do it.

Okay. Mm-hmm.

All right. And you?

Do it. Bacardi and cola.

Do it. Do it.

Okay.

I'll be right back.

What are you doing?

What?

What was that? You just stole my voice.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

You've got to come up with your own voice. Okay?

HUTCH: What am I supposed to do?

I don't have a great cool little voice like you do.

You're a Texan oil tycoon guy. You have, like, a, a moustache.

REESE: Okay. Let's start the raffle.

Don't shame me.

All right, let's sit down.

So we can, uh, get down to business,

and get back to the business of getting down.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

Let's get down.

REESE: Captain Doby, you're not right.

But today is right.

Can I see a show of hands?

I'm talking to everyone in this room.

How many of us have made a mistake?

STARSKY: Guilty.

You know, I believe it was our buddy,

Bill Shakespeare, who said,

"To err is human, but to forgive, well, that's right on."

And that's exactly why we're here tonight,

because everyone out there deserves a second chance.

Everyone.

Thank you. I didn't say it. Bill Shakespeare did.

I recognize some of these guys

from our surveillance.

I know.

Check out the guy behind us

from the alley.

Already did.

Do you think he's got the stuff here?

Where?

REESE: I'd like to thank the folks

over at Bay City Volkswagen

for donating seven brand-new cars

to our annual fund-raising raffle.

Thank you, Bay City Volkswagen.

Okay, everybody.

Go ahead. Pull out your ticket stubs.

I hope you held on to them.

You'd hate to have your number called

and have it be left behind,

because this train's leaving the station.

Uh... tonight's first winner...

um... 63.

Hot damn! That baby's mine.

REESE: Congratulations.

It's one of his guys.

Thank you very much.

If you could just wait here, thank you.

REESE: We've got a winner, guys. We've got a new car owner.

The car.

Cocaine is in the car.

He's doing it right in front of everybody.

Come on. He's not that stupid.

No, but he's that arrogant. Trust me.

Number 117.

Go.

Right on. Yeah.

Yee-haw!

Whoo! Yes!

Thank you very much.

Sit. Now. Do it.

Do it.

Old Shakes McGinty did it!

HUTCH: Yes! Unbelievable.

REESE: This is incredible.

I'm gonna kiss ya.

Get your hands off me-- Actually, I don't... I don't--

STARSKY : My friend won. I can't believe it.

Give him the car. Do it.

Seriously, give him the car. The kid's from Texas.

I don't even know if he has a license.

He rides a horse down there.

REESE: Excuse me. Do you have a ticket? I need a ticket.

Hoss, you got to trust the kid for once.

I can't cowboy, I need to see the ticket

in order to make sure it matches.

Pop the trunk, let's get a whiff of that new-car smell.

Yeah! Who wants a whiff of that new-car smell?

Yeah, yeah. Let's smell it.

That's what I'm talking about.

STARSKY: Come on. Pop the trunk. Seriously, do it.

Do it.

Do it.

Listen, jackass.

Either give me a ticket,

or get the hell off the stage. You dig that?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guys.

Pop the trunk, Candyman.

You heard him.

Pop it.

What the hell are you two doing?

Pop it!

You screwed up once already, Starsky.

Like you said, Feldman, everyone deserves a second chance.

HUTCH: Well, what have we here?

Does this look familiar?

Some cocaine.

Captain Doby,

I suggest you take this to the lab and get it analyzed--

Hutch!

Freeze.

REESE: All right, everybody. Freeze.

Put your hands where I can see them.

You relax, pal. Relax.

Let's do it!

REESE: Put that gun down

or I'm gonna kill your friend right here.

What are we doing? What are we doing?

Do it now! Put it down!

Hutch, I got a clean shot, but I need your permission.

No! No. No, no. Starsky.

Hutch, I'm telling you, I can do this.

Just move your head to the left.

No can do. You don't have my permission, partner.

I can't give it to you.

Your nuts are mine, Feldman.

No, they're not.

Your nuts are yours. Your nuts are yours.

Starsky, listen to me.

I don't want to die, and I'm not giving you my permission.

Please put it down.

Ow. Ow, ow.

Put it down. Down.

Okay. All right. You're right. It's too close.

Oh, thank God.

Stay down!

Doby?

REESE: Let's move it! Let's go!

What?

Let's go!

Walk away. Let's go.

Cap, are you okay?

Yeah, I just got my wing clipped.

Jesus Christ. Who the hell shot me?

I'm sorry, sir. I was trying to get--

Starsky! It was Reese Feldman.

Feldman hit you, that son of a bitch.

Well, go get him!

Is somebody coming?

No. We're on vacation.

KITTY: What's going on?

REESE: We gotta go.

KITTY: Oh, my God.

KITTY: Baby, look out!

REESE: I want to hit him.

HUTCH: You okay?

Yeah.

Jesus. Watch out for the bunker.

STARSKY: I don't know what a bunker is.

HUTCH: It's a sand trap.

Go faster!

I'm going fast. I've got it floored.

Dogleg right up here on the par three.

What?

Watch the bunker!

What bunker?

HUTCH: Come on!

Pay attention.

Get out of here!

Move that ice cream truck now!

ICE CREAM MAN: No, you move.

Bay City P.D. Move it!

Go.

Grab those and meet me in the marina.

Let's go. Move. Move!

If you are cops, let's see some badge.

We don't have any badges.

Show him your gun.

Oh!

REESE: Come on!

Come on, move!

Oh!

Come on, hurry up! Let's go!

They're coming!

The running and the chasing--

REESE: Stop! Stop! Go home.

Goodbye, heroes!

Come on, let's double back to the shipping yard.

You got a boat?

Nope, but I got an idea.

Okay, now what?

Okay. We're going to take this car,

and land it on that boat.

You want to crash the car into his boat?

No, I want to land it on that boat.

Now go.

Go!

I can't do it.

This is unbelievable.

Here you get me out here

to risk my life,

and now you're telling me you can't do this?

I'm a quitter, but--

You're crying again.

I'm not crying.

This is different.

It's my mother. She always used to--

used to say that I--

that this was too much car for me to handle.

She said that?

Couldn't handle the V-8.

I don't know. Maybe she was right.

Hey, look at me.

Look at me.

I am not your mother. I'm your partner.

Now go!

Go!

STARSKY: Listen, things could go pretty wrong in a second,

so I just want to say--

HUTCH: Keep your eyes on the road.

STARSKY: Just listen to me, Ken.

If we don't make it...

You know... us...

It's been good.

It's been great.

Now, will you stop talking and hit that boat?

It's not a boat, it's a yacht.

REESE: Son of a bitch!

Come on, are you kidding me?

Oh, my God.

We almost just got killed.

REESE: Thank you for pointing out something

that I couldn't notice on my own.

You're a real benefit to have.

KITTY: We should save them.

Son of a bitch!

Nice plan.

What do you expect?

You gave it too much gas and you overshot it.

That car has a lot of horsepower.

I'm going to go get it.

What are you doing? Stop it.

Starsky!

It hasn't hit the bottom yet.

Starsky, stop.

Stop, damn it.

Listen to me. It's gone, okay?

It's over.

But it's my car.

I know it is, partner.

I know it is.

Whoo! Oh, my God, honey,

that was so incredible!

I feel like my adrenaline is just--

You and me, babe, we are such a good team.

I mean, this is just the beginning.

We could go so far, honey.

I mean, I feel so exhilarated.

Come on!

What was that?

Son of a bitch.

What is it, Reese?

Who are you?

I found your nine iron, bitch.

Ah!

That's for putting hands on Huggy Bear.

Nobody touches the Bear, you dig?

Yeah. Now, these will work.

What have we here?

Ooh.

Now, that's what I'm talking about.

We don't really do private shows.

But I'm a good friend of Huggy Bear.

Well, it's kind of against cheerleading policy.

You need to change that policy.

You know what I can't figure out

is how in the hell did you know

to get on that boat?

Well, you know, when your two boys put me on

that undercover golf-course mission?

That cat, uh, Reese?

All he did was talk about that damn yacht.

You know, like I say,

why go to the starting line

when you can go straight to the finish?

Straight to the finish.

Yes, sir.

I like that, man. I like that.

Are you, uh, interested in doing any undercover work?

Nah. Not in the least.

Captain, let me borrow him for just a second.

You know, the weird thing is one of those briefcases

with five-million dollars just up and vanished.

Hmm.

Oh, what is this? A brand-new fur coat?

Look at this thing.

Oh, yeah.

I inherited some money from a dead uncle of mine.

Is that right?

I didn't even know you had an uncle.

Well, I did,

and he was rich as hell too, baby.

Chin up, little man.

I think he's still upset about the car.

Come on. Let's get up.

You're going outside.

No. No thanks.

Come on. We're taking you out.

We're getting you some coffee and get you cleaned up.

I don't feel like it.

Look, Starsky,

I know these two white dudes

that got a car that you might be interested in.

I don't want another car, Hug.

Well, come on.

At least take a look.

STARSKY: My car.

Where did you--

Hutch?

Who the hell are these guys?

I don't know,

but I get a good vibe from them.

So, are you selling the car?

Well, actually,

your friend here has already paid for it.

I owe you one, Huggy.

Huh. All right.

Come on, give him the keys.

Thank you.

Thank you.

With this transmission,

you'll really want to jump the clutch.

I usually pop it--

From second to fourth. I got it.

RADIO VOICE: Come in Zebra Three.

We have a 4-20 on Fifth and Tucker.

Please respond.

This is Zebra Three. We're on it.

Hutch, let's roll.

I think he means you.

Good luck.

Allow me.

All right, thank you.

You're welcome.

All right.

Hey! Not so--

Ah!

How does it feel?

It feels pretty good.

I'm going to take it slow, get the feel of it.

No, no, that's smart. Do that.

Starsky?

Hang on.

No!

HUTCH: No!

♪ Sweet ♪

♪ Emotion ♪

♪ You talk about things That nobody cares ♪

♪ You're wearing out things That nobody wears ♪

♪ You're calling my name But you gotta make it clear ♪

♪ I can't say, baby Where I'll be in a year ♪

♪ Some Sweat Hog mama With a face like a gent ♪

♪ Said my get up and go Must have got up and went ♪

♪ Well I got good news She's a real good liar ♪

♪ 'Cause the backstage boogie Set your pants on fire ♪

♪ Sweet... ♪

♪ Emotion ♪

♪ Sweet emotion ♪

♪ I pulled into town In a police car ♪

♪ Your daddy said I took just a little too far ♪

♪ You're telling me things But your girlfriend lied ♪

♪ You can't catch me ♪

♪ 'Cause the rabbit gone died Yes, it is ♪♪