All language subtitles for Road Trip 2000_track3_[eng]

BARRY: Welcome to
the University of Ithaca.

This is it right here.
This is what
we're talking about.

I'm gonna give you
a good tour today.

Show you as much
as you need to know.

Plus a whole lot more,
actually.

This is the main area
of the university.

You'll be getting
used to this area.

This is sort of where
you'd congregate with
your friends and classmates.

Come in around me,
everyone.

Keep close.
Don't straggle.

I've had problems with
stragglers before, okay?

They get lost in the back.
They get hit by trucks.

Okay? It's not pretty.

It's not pretty
when it happens.

This is, by the way,
the Joseph H. Nelson
Memorial Library here, okay?

It was, uh,
built in the 1600s.

GIRL: 1600s?

It says 1951.

(SNICKERING)

That's the address.
Okay? Wise-ass.

That's the
psychology department.

Each semester,
you'll be expected
to volunteer

for some cutting-edge
experimental testing.

Kind of cool.
Just a tip.

When it's your turn,
remember to wear
loose clothes, no metal,

and be prepared to receive
several heavy doses
of electric current.

They're watching us
right now.

Over there is
the department of English.

I see most of you
speak English already,
so we can skip that one.

How long have you been
going to school here?

Eight years.

(ALL LAUGHING)

You don't seem to know
anything about it here.

This is the worst
tour ever.

This is the worst
school ever.

I mean, doesn't anything
cool ever happen here?

Yeah, cool stuff
happens here.

This University of Ithaca
is the coolest place
in the world.

That's because he's
probably never been
anywhere else.

(LAUGHING)

Go ahead, laugh.
Laugh all you want.

But the fact
of the matter is,

this is the setting
for the greatest story
ever told. Okay?

It's about this guy
I knew, Josh Parker,

and his girlfriend, Tiffany.

And it's one of the most
fascinating journeys ever.

Josh and Tiffany
were always together

starting from when
they were really little.

They did everything
as a team.

Once when Tiffany was
10 years old, she had
her tonsils taken out.

Josh stayed in the hospital
for three straight days.

They were best friends.

And eventually
what started out
as friendship

blossomed into some
serious French kissing

and lots of
heavy petting.

They spent so much time
together that even their
dogs started dating.

They seemed destined
to be together forever.

But after high school,

they faced their most
challenging challenge ever,

a long-distance
relationship.

See, unfortunately,
while Josh was
enrolled here

at the wonderful
University of Ithaca,

Tiffany went off
to veterinary school
in Austin, Texas.

But they made a pact,
a promise to stay true
to each other,

to talk every day
and maintain an
exclusive relationship.

But that turned out to be
more difficult than either
of them had ever imagined.

Tiffany.

Hey, baby.
Oh, my God.

You were amazing
last night.

I never ever came
like that before.

Come on.
Seriously.

I had to take two
birth control pills
this morning.

You want to help me
study again tonight?

Forget tonight.
Come over now.

Let's blow
this class off.

(GASPS)

(LINE RINGS)

TIFFANY ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
Tiffany and Carla

can't come to
the phone right now.

But if you leave a message,
we'll call you right back.

Hey, Tif, it's me again.
Just wondering
where you are.

Still trying to
get ahold of you.
Everything's cool, though.

And I'm sure
I'll catch you later.
But call me back, okay?

Okay. Bye.

I just wanted to
add something before
I sent this video off.

I haven't talked to you
in a few days,

and I'm starting to think
you don't like me anymore.

No, I'm kidding.

Hey, guys.

But I am getting
a little worried,

so gimme a call
when you get
a chance, okay?

All right.
Barry says hi.

So give me a call
as soon as you can, okay?
I miss you.

Call me, okay? Bye.

(LAUGHING)

What's up, guys?
Not much.

You?
JOSH: Nothing.

I was just finishing
my tape to Tiffany.

BARRY: Hey, Mitch.
What are you doing?
Are you hungry?

Huh?

Are you going
to feed him?

No, I'm checking
the temperature
inside of his cage.

Mitch needs
an evenly distributed
85 degrees to survive.

Can I drop a mouse in?

Sorry, Mitch only
eats once a week,
on Saturdays.

Maybe we could
cut a mouse in half

and we could feed him
half now and the other
half on Saturday.

I don't think so.

I thought you
had class now.

What time is it? Oh, shit.
Can you do me a favor?

When this is done rewinding,
will you drop it in the mail
for me?

No problem.
Just leave it there.
Thanks, man.

I'll see you
guys later?
RUBIN: Bye.

Can we please
feed him now?
No.

If you overfeed him,
he could die.

So?

It'll be worth it.

Josh.

Beth. Hey.
Hey.

What's going on?
Not much.

Where have you been?
Nowhere.

Just studying a lot.
I'm starting to question
this whole college thing.

No one told me there was
going to be this much
reading involved.

Right.
Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, you going to
E.L.'s tonight?
Yeah, I'll be there.

JOSH: I got to run.
My class started
five minutes ago.

Okay, go, then.

I'll see you tonight.

Yeah. Sorry. Tonight.

So you have a thing
for that guy now,
is that it?

It's none of your
business, Jacob.

I can just tell you
like him, that's all.

I'm not having this
conversation again.
What conversation?

You need to stop
all this, okay?

You and I,
we're not a couple.

We've never been a couple,
and we will never be one.

PROFESSOR: Now, this week
I'd like you to think

about Plato's dialogues
of the middle years, i.e.

The Republic,
Phaedo, Symposium.

Now, this will all be
on next week's midterm

so I suggest
you read up on it.

Ah.

Jacob, do you have
anything to add?

Just a reminder.

The midterm will cover
all of the in-class lectures

as well as all of
the assigned readings.

It will be
entirely essay form,
so bring legal pads.

I prefer yellow.

It's easier
on the eyes.

Okay. Okay?

Yeah. Thank you, Jacob.
And see you all
next week for the midterm.

Josh.
Yes?

I saw you
hitting on Beth.

Not a good idea.
She's spoken for.

What?

She'll come back to me.
They always do.

So, Mr. Parker.

Do you intend to be
ready for this exam?

Yes, sir.

Well, you better be ready

because I was looking
over the books last night

and you need a B
on this test just
to pass this class.

Actually, I double-checked
that, professor.
He needs a B plus.

We're not gonna be able
to bend on this.

Yeah. I got it.

Just copy off someone.
I can't.

It's all essays and stuff.
If I fail this class,
my average is shot.

I might lose
my financial aid.

I could not be allowed
back next semester.

Well, you're fucked, then.

You might as well come
to my party tonight.

Hook up with Beth,
and at least enjoy
your last week at college.

I'm not hooking up
with anyone.

I made a commitment
to Tiffany.

I'm invested in
this relationship.

Invested? Who are you,
Charles Schwab?

Would you
listen to yourself?

I would give my life

for one evening
of consensual sex
with that girl.

Look, I've gone this long
without cheating.
I think I can hold out.

You're already cheating.

Any time you pass up sex,
you're cheating on yourself.

Think about it, Josh.
You're in college.

The window of opportunity to
drink and do drugs and take
advantage of young girls

is getting smaller
by the day.

I got to make a call.

I'm telling you.

You pass this up,
it'll haunt you for
the rest of your days.

Your dick will
never forgive you.

What do you think,
little man?

Don't you ever want to
experience something new?

(SQUEAKY VOICE)
It ain't easy
being Josh's penis.

We've been here
over two months,

and I feel like
I'm in a coma.

Stop it.

I wish I was your dick, E.L.,
because this is torture.

If something doesn't happen
soon, I'll pack up my balls
and leave.

Enough.

(GIRL OVER PHONE)
Hello?
Carla, hi. It's Josh.

I'm sorry to
bother you again.
Is Tiffany around?

Tiffany is not here.

She didn't sleep here
last night again

and it would be great
if one hour went by

when you didn't call.
Right.

If she wanted
to talk to you

she'd call you.

Deal with it.

What a bitch!

Does she sound hot?

We've never gone
this long without talking.

Something is
definitely wrong.

Yeah, she found someone else,
just like you should do.

The clock is ticking,
my man.
Before you know it,

you're gonna be 40
and have to pay
for these kinda girls.

(FORTUNE & FAME PLAYING)

Oh, yeah! Whoo-hoo!

I should really warn you,
though, it's been known

to severely affect your
decision-making abilities
and lowers your inhibitions.

Good, that's the plan.

No, that... That's...
Yes, that is the plan.

Did you bring
some cash?
Why?

We've got
chicks for sale.
What?

♪ Hey, now I'm snappy
Got my mojo track ♪

Trust me. I've been
going to this school
for seven years.

And I know the key
to a well-rounded
college education

is experimentation.

Here, let me show you.

This is an auction.
Now, remember.

You're not
buying the girl.

You are buying
her company.

And in no way does a sale
constitute sexual relations.

(GROANING)

I know. I know,
believe me, I've tried.

So anyway,
without further ado,

let's introduce you
to our first person. Laura!

(CHEERING)

Laura's from Long Island.
Her favorite color is blue.

She likes the outdoors
and she loves good seafood.

Okay, let's start
the opening bidding
at five dollars.

Three dollars
and fifty cents.

(LAUGHING)

Good God, moneybags,
she's not a Happy Meal.

Five dollars.
Okay, we've got five.

Do I hear ten?
Ten bucks.

(GIBBERISH)

Who's got 15?
Fifteen bucks for a lovely
evening with Laura.

Fifteen dollars.

Okay, we got 15.
Who can beat 15?
Going once.

Going twice.

Sold to the captain.

There you are. Hey.
Hey!

What's going on?
Oh, not much.

You look great.
Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Listen, Jacob's here,
and he's a total psycho.

Can you go outbid him?

You know what?
I didn't bring that
much money with me.

Oh, no.
You don't understand.
He's obsessed with me.

See? It's fun, right?
Mmm.

Okay, okay.

Now, I want you two
to kiss each other.

All right,
has anyone seen Beth?
Uh-oh, there she is.

(CHEERING)

Say hi to the crowd,
Beth.

Hi.

Can I hear
a $5 opening bid for
the beautiful Beth Wagner?

Five dollars right here.

Who can beat five?
Six.

Seven.
Seven, here we go.

Ten dollars.

Ten dollars.
Going once, going twice...

Fifteen dollars.

Twenty.

Twenty-five.

Twenty-five.
Who could beat 25?
Going once. Going twice...

Twenty-six.

Twenty-six going once.
Thirty.

Okay, can anyone
beat $26?

I just said 30.

There's gotta be someone
out there who can beat $26.

Me! Right here!

Sold, to my man Josh
for $26.

You heard me.
I bid $30 loud and clear.

Your bid didn't count.
Why?

Because you're a TA.
So?

So this auction is
for students only.

Goodbye.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

Thanks for doing that.
I owe you one.

You owe me
more than one.

Do I?

Technically.

Well,

are you ready to collect?

I think so. Yeah.

We're touching.

It's a lot of fun.

(CHUCKLES)

We're having a good time.
(CHUCKLES)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Who's Tiffany Henderson?

It's just some girl
I used to date since
I was, like, five.

But that's over now.
She blew me off.

Oh, poor baby.

You must be very hurt.

Do you need some
special attention?

Well, I am pretty upset.

Did that help?

That helped a lot.

I have an idea.

What do you say?

I don't think so.

Come on. It'll be fun.

I've always
wanted to try this.

No.

Yes.

I'm going to
interview you.

Fine.

Okay.

There you go.

Okay, Josh.
Yes.

What do you look for
in a girl?

Well, let's see.

She should be smart

and funny and...

That's good, too.

Do you feel better yet?

I feel a little bit better.
Yeah, a little.

What else do you look for?

She should be attractive

and nice

and topless.
And topless.

And she should kiss me.

What else?

She shouldn't
stop kissing me.

Why don't you
keep doing that?

♪ Tiny salmon
swimming in a stream

♪ Tiny salmon chasing
that impossible dream

♪ The mynah bird says

(CAWING)

(CAWING)

♪ The chimpanzee says

(IMITATES MONKEY)

♪ The friendly owl says

(HOOTING)

♪ But the salmon
can only say

(BLUBBERING)

♪ And it's sad ♪

(HUMMING)

♪ Good morning, everyone

♪ Good morning, everyone
How are you and you and you? ♪

What are you
so happy about?

I don't know.
Do I seem happy
this morning?

Well, you're bouncing
around here like you're
Richard fucking Simmons.

You do seem unusually
lighthearted today, Josh.

Huh.

Maybe it's because
I had the best time
of my life last night,

twice and once
this morning.

You and Beth?

Oh, yeah.

Shut up. What happened?

No way. You're lying.

I'm not lying.
All right.

You can't make out
with someone then pretend
that you had sex with them.

That's really,
really uncool.

I'm not pretending.
Forget it!

I know you're lying.
I guarantee he's lying.

You want to bet?

Great. I'm going to
bet money on something
you can't prove.

You videotaped it.

No, I didn't.
Give me that.
Give me that.

No way.
This is amazing.

I was kidding.
Just give it back
to me, okay?

Give me the tape.
BARRY: Huh? Come on, Josh.

We're all going to see it
sooner or later. Huh?

He's got a point.

BARRY: Oh, no. Oh, no!

Give it to me.
No, give it to me.

E.L., no.

Josh, please.
We need this.

Okay, listen. Seriously,
you can never tell
anyone you saw this.

Oh, yeah.

Okay!

Barry,

hit the lights.
It's boner time.

Hey, Tif.
It's me coming to you
live from Ithaca, New York.

I thought I asked you
to mail this yesterday.
But I miss you.

Yeah, it was on your desk.
I mailed it this morning.

Barry, fast-forward
to the horny stuff.

♪ I got a girl

Is this the kind of shit
you've been sending Tiffany?

♪ Named Tiffany ♪

Oh, my God.

That's you.

Oh, fuck!

What's wrong?
Oh, God.

No, no, no, no.

Oh, God, where is it?

Wait a second.

Tell me you mailed
the Beth tape to Tiffany.

Yes!

JOSH: Shit!

Oh, no. Oh, no.
BARRY: Hey. Hey.

What?

Did you make a copy?

Because if you made a copy,
we could watch the copy.

(RINGING)

Don't answer it.

JOSH ON ANSWERING MACHINE:
It's Josh and Rubin.
Leave a message.

Hi, Josh.
It's Tiffany.

Sorry we haven't spoken.

Listen,
my grandfather passed away.

I've tried calling you
a few times but no one
picked up.

I didn't want to leave
this message
on your machine.

But by now you're probably
a little worried, so...

Anyway,
I'm at my parents' house
helping my mom out.

She's really a wreck.

If I don't
speak with you,

I'll call you Monday
when I'm back at school.

I'll be okay,
I just need some time.

Bye. I love you.

That's not fair.

How come she gets
to see the tape
and we don't?

She gets back there Monday.
That leaves me three days
to get there.

Get where? Austin?

That's like 10,000 miles
from here.

Eighteen hundred.

You want to
drive 1,800 miles
in three days?

Just fly.

Do you have money
for a ticket? I don't.

All right,
so we're driving.

You're coming?

What else am I going to do?
Stay here and learn?

Road trip.

KYLE: Just a minute.

Hold on.

He's probably
jacking off.

What do you guys want?

Kyle, this is
an emergency.

Wait, let me
at least go back
and call my dad.

Call your dad?

Would you listen
to yourself?

You're 19 years old
and you're a fucking sissy.

All you ever do
is sit in a library

and play Myst with
those exchange students.

It's pathetic.

No. What he's
trying to say is,

this is your chance
to do something for once.

Be a risk-taker.

Come with us.

You guys
are just saying that
because you want my car.

No, we've always liked you.

Or you can just
give us the car, Kyle.

That would make him
a risk-taker, right?

Shut up, all right?

He's coming with us.

Come on, Kyle.
It'll be fun.

Aren't you even curious
where we're going?

No.

Okay, we're going to
the University of Austin.

You sure you don't want
to come with us?

I never really
liked Massachusetts.

Austin's in Texas,
not Massachusetts.

I think you're
thinking of Boston.

You've never left
this town, have you?

No. Not really.

You should
look into that.

That could turn into
a debilitating phobia.

Yeah, okay,
I'll do that.

Hey, can I feed Mitch?

Yes. Actually, you can.
You can feed him.
But not till tomorrow.

There's a brown
box full of mice
next to his cage.

Give him one tomorrow.

And no messing around,
Barry, okay? Just one.

Yeah, I'll feed him
a mouse tomorrow, okay?

Okay.
Yeah.
You can count on me.

Okay? I'm reliable. Okay?

You guys do good, okay?

Have a good trip,
safe trip, safe journeys.

Buckle up your seat belt.

I'm going to
feed the snake.

I'm going to feed
the snake for you.

BARRY:
So off they went.

They had 1,800 miles to go
and only three days to do it.

It was a killer journey
to say the least,

and it was one
that changed them
all forever.

The end.

So we're gonna go look
over here now...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's it?
This story sucks.

That can't be the whole story.
What happened with the tape?

Right. The tape.

Well,

like I said, they were
on a race against time.

(MR. E'S BEAUTIFUL BLUES
PLAYING)

Since we didn't
get to see the tape,

can you at least
describe it to us?

No.

At least admit
that Beth is amazing.

I admit it. She's amazing.
She's perfect, all right.

There you go.

I don't know why
you feel so guilty.

Technically you
haven't cheated
on Tiffany.

What are you
talking about?

Well, there are these rules
that guys have,

an understanding
as to what exactly
constitutes cheating.

Take your situation,
for example. (LAUGHING)

It's not cheating.

It's never cheating
when you're in
a different area code,

not to mention
a different state.

That makes no sense.

Hey. Don't look at me,
Kyle, okay?
I didn't make up the rules.

No. This is legit.
I've actually read
an article about this.

There's a whole
bunch of them.
They're like loopholes.

Right? For argument's sake,
let's say that

you were sleeping
with two girls
at the same time.

It wouldn't be cheating
because they would
cancel each other out.

Ah.
E.L.: Exactly.

Or if you're too
wasted to remember,

it is not cheating.

Because if you can't
really remember it,
it never really took place.

Okay, I've got one.
Are you ready?

It's not cheating
if you spread peanut butter
all over your testicles

and let your dog
lick it off.

(ALL GROANING)

Because it's your dog.

Jesus Christ.

You know,
because it's your dog.

Yeah, we got it.

Somebody's going
to die tomorrow.

That's right.
One of you is
marked for death.

And first thing
tomorrow morning,

a chosen one
will experience
nature's wrath,

in all its fury.

(SCATTING)

Who are you?

I'm Beth.

Are you here
for the feeding?

Excuse me?

You're early.

It's not till tomorrow.

You should come back.

It's going to be
a bloodbath.

I think I'll pass.

Have you seen Josh?

He went to visit
his girlfriend.

Tiffany?

I thought they broke up.

I mean, this girl,
who's a friend of his.
You know what I mean.

Where did he go?

Austin.

Austin, Massachusetts.

You mean Boston,
Massachusetts?

Yeah.
That's what I said.

Boston.

The University of Boston
in Massachusetts.

He is such an asshole.

I can't believe
he just lied to
my face like that.

I actually
thought he liked me.

How could he do that?

Wait, she was
standing around topless?

Girls just don't
stand around naked.

Yeah, they do. Okay?

This is my story, okay?
Do you want to hear it or not?

It just doesn't
make any...

Shh. Please.
No interruptions.
Okay?

So this other girl walks up,
totally hot. Okay?

Naked. Really naked.

I know guys can be jerks.

I guess I just thought
Josh was different.

I liked him.

Sweetie,
listen to me, okay?

They're all the same.

All men are
perverted pigs.

All they think about,
all they really
care about, is sex.

You're so right.

You should go to Boston
and bust his ass.

Confront him and
his little girlfriend.

Oh!

These too.

Kyle, come here
for a second.

Look, we're a little
short on cash right now.

So we're gonna need
to put this on
your credit card.

We'll give you the cash
when we get back.

I promise.

I can't. It's my dad's.
It's for emergencies only.

Hello.
This is an emergency.
We need this stuff.

You want us to
sleep in the dirt?

JOSH: Well,
I'd say we're officially
in no-man's-land.

We've been on this road
for over an hour.

This is gonna save us
five hours minimum.

So thank me later,
Josh, okay?

Maybe we should turn around
and go back to the interstate.

We're not going back.

We're not going back.
Have some faith, Kyle.

It's supposed to
be a challenge.

That's why they
call it a shortcut.

If it was easy,
it would just be the way.

JOSH: Damn it!

Fuck!

I give us about 20 minutes
before our first ass-raping.

What do we do now?

If we turn around
we'll lose five hours
just backtracking.

Turn around?
Why? Because of this?

We can make it.

Make it?
You mean jump it?

No. Absolutely not. No way.
We're going back.

RUBIN: It can be done.

This incline here
is 30 degrees roughly, right?

The factory weight
of the car
is 1,600 pounds.

Add our weight plus cargo,
we're talking
2,100 hundred pounds.

No, no.

If we hit this thing
at 50 miles per hour,

our trajectory will
clear 10 feet. Easy.

No way. Absolutely not.

Kyle, we'll go 60
just to be certain.

KYLE: We're going back.

This is impossible.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.
With physics
I'm always sure. Yes.

I'm driving.

I don't think
you guys heard me.

This is my car
and we're not going to be
jumping over any rivers.

Kyle, it's 10 feet.

Bob Hope could jump
this in a golf cart.

Look, I can spit
across this gap.

Yeah.

Well,

better make it 75.
Okay.

Let's do it.

Trust me, Kyle.
It's science.

No, you guys. No.

E.L., get out of my car.

Kyle, in the car.
Come on.

We're okay.

You know we need
to hit 60, right?

I'm trying.
This car sucks.

Stop!

(ALL YELLING)

E.L.: Thank you! Yes!

What did I tell you?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

My father is going to kill me
when he finds out about this.

I only said we'd
make it across.

I never said anything
about the wheels staying on.

What the hell are
we going to do now?

I'm totally screwed!

I don't have time
to be walking through
the woods right now!

Josh, we're going to
call a tow truck.
We'll have the axles fixed.

We'll probably lose
half a day at most.

It'll be fine.
It's just the wheels.

BETH:
The minute I think I feel
something for someone,

they just turn around
and screw me over.

Thank you.

Something about Josh.
He's just different.

I mean, I feel like
we had a connection.

I don't think
I'll ever be able
to trust a guy.

You shouldn't.

Honey, the last time
I trusted a man
was back in 1985,

and he took off
with my sister
and my van.

It was a regular-size van.

That was before
they started making
that minivan crap.

So there's no hope, huh?

Oh, there's hope,
but it comes with batteries.

(BUZZING)

You can keep that.

KYLE: Oh, God.

Oh, crap.

Listen, guys.

We're going to have
to be more careful.

We almost died
in that explosion back there.

I wish I'd died.

I'm serious.
I can't die young.

Something tells me
the people of Earth
are going to need me.

I must live.

Yeah, right.
We all must live.

Before we do that,
we must figure out how to
get back on the road.

JOSH: We shouldn't
be going to sleep
right now.

(PHONE RINGING)

And let's just lay
in the indication
here and there

of some little shadow areas.

(PHONE RINGING)

But you don't want
a whole bunch of color there,

just where you think
you'll be happy with shadow.

There.

Maybe right here.

Excuse me.

(PHONE RINGING)

I'm sorry,
do you need to
get that?

Do you need something?

Yeah.

This is sort of
an unusual question,

but do you have
any marijuana I might be
able to buy from you?

Our car exploded last night
and I'm practically
all out of my own.

Am I a drug dealer?

No. I am not.
Thank you for asking,
though.

No? Okay, that's okay.
Thanks.

Is there anything else
I can help you with?

Perhaps you'd like
an 11-year-old prostitute
sent to your room.

We can do that.

Or maybe we can
off someone for you.
Huh? How's that sound?

I've got it.

Why don't we start small.

Would you like
a fresh towel?

Maybe you could
roll that up and smoke it.

Dick.

By the way, Cheech.

That credit card
you guys gave me last night
was maxed out,

so don't go
spending all your cash
on needles and guns just yet.

Um, Mr. Earl Edwards?
I'm sorry, sir.
This card's over its limit.

Well, that's not true.
You just run along

and put it through
your little machine again.

I ran it through
three times, sir.

It keeps telling me that
you're over your limit.

You have another card,
I'd be happy to...

Don't give me
any attitude, son.
You hear me.

Now you go fix that
little toy back there,

and you charge
this frigging meal
to that frigging card.

We've been coming
here for 20 years!

We've only been
open eight years, sir.

Do it now.

E.L.: Relax.
It's not that big a deal.

RUBIN: You don't seem
to understand me.

When Josh finds out
about this,
he's going to freak.

You can't rent a car
without a credit card.
You just can't.

So what are we
going to do?

Tell you what.
Stay here.

Take him out for breakfast
or something.

I'll go take care of this.

Earl, Cookie,
we have a situation.

Now, brace yourselves.

The police have
found Kyle's car

abandoned way down
in Bedford,
Pennsylvania.

It's been blown to bits.
We checked with
the university,

and he's not there.
He's missing.

Mother of God.

WOMAN: Good morning.

Hello.

Hi, how can I help you?

Yeah, hi.

I was sent over here
to check out bus 111

and I'm afraid I
have some bad news.

You seem to be
having problems with the...

Rotator splint.

Engines have
rotator splints?

Yeah.

She runs good now,
but not for long.

I can have it back to you
as good as new
in less than a week.

Let's see.

Jared's still in Aliquippa.
I take it he
called you from there.

Mmm, yep.

Five days.
Well, I think we can
work that out.

Could you please
not feed my dog?

I didn't.
You did so.

You can't feed
Seeing Eye dogs
treats like that.

They're specially trained.
So please leave him alone.

Don't roll
your eyes at me.

French toast.

Bacon. Good for you.

And the scrambled eggs.

Excuse me.

This has powdered sugar on it,
and I ordered no sugar.

I really can't
have too much sugar
in the morning.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Look at that.

You're absolutely right.
I'll tell you what.

Let me take this back
and bring you out
a new piece.

All right, great.
Okay, everybody good?

Okay, great.

Do you know where my
books and all my possessions
are? I can't really...

Wait, no.
They were in the car.

The car that blew up.
That's right.

That's...
That's hilarious.

Let me warm that up
for you.

Thank you.

All right.
There you go.
Thanks, man.

Excuse me.

The French toast
will be up in a minute.

Okay, thank you.

Okay, great.

French toast, no sugar.
All right?

Sorry about that.
Oh, no problem.
Thank you.

Oh, no problem.
Thanks a lot.

That's a nice guy.

It's good.

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Okay!

I don't even want to know
how you got this.

I stole it from
a blind chick.

I said I didn't
want to know.

What?

I'm going to give it back.
Probably.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(HORN HONKS)

Can we please stop soon?
I need to use the bathroom.

You know, actually,
I don't have to go yet,

so we'll stop in
a couple hours.

Okay.

I'm kidding, Kyle.
We'll stop.

Jeez, you have to
stand up for yourself
every once in a while.

Be a little more assertive.

Okay.

What's your deal, anyways?
Why are you so
worried all the time?

I don't know.

I guess it's my dad.
He's like, strict.

He really is going to kill me
when he finds out
about that car.

So you screwed up.
Big deal, man.
People make mistakes.

He'll get over it.
Besides,
that car sucked, anyways.

I really do need to
go to the bathroom.

E.L.:
We're making a pit stop.
JOSH: Again?

(SQUEAKING)

You're about to
experience firsthand

exactly what it means
to be in the lower region

of nature's food chain.

Mitch is going
to bite into you.

He's going to squeeze.

He'll actually
start digesting you
while you're still alive.

But don't be scared.

No. No, no.

It'll be a quick death.

Be brave.

You'll barely feel it.

Come on.

Come on.
You going to
fucking eat him?

Josh, wait up a second.

This is supposed
to be a road trip.

All we're doing is
driving the whole time.

It's ridiculous.

No one forced you
to come, man.

First off, we're making
great time here.

Second, if Tiffany
did see that tape

it'd be the best thing
that ever happened to you.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Beth is like an angel.

She's here to help you
change your life.

Besides, did Tiffany
ever let you videotape her?

I think not.

It's a sign, Josh.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello.
JOSH: Professor Anderson?

Who's calling?

Hi, professor.
It's Josh Parker.

Oh, uh...

(DEEPER VOICE)
Yeah, hello, Josh.
What can I do for you?

Well, I was in
a car accident, sir.

JACOB: Oh. Oh, my God.
No, I'm okay.

It's just I'm in
kind of a bind.

See, all my notes and books
were destroyed.

So I was wondering
if it was possible
to get a little extension.

Maybe take the midterm
a couple days later?

Oh, sure.
Yes, it sounds like
an emergency.

How about an extra
three days?

How would that sound?
Would that work?

Yeah,
that would be fantastic.
Are you sure?

I'm just glad
you're not hurt.

See, I'm marking
it down right now.

That is so great, Professor.
Thank you. I'll see you soon.

Okay. Goodbye.

Who was that?

Oh, that...

(NORMAL VOICE)
That was Josh Parker.

Oh, yeah?
What did he want?

He was just calling
to confirm
the date of the exam.

Such a worrier.

(SIREN WAILS)

It's going to be okay.
I'll find him.

And we'll find
whoever did this,
I promise.

It's going to be okay.

If I had to guess,

I'd say somebody was raped
and murdered here last night.

What the hell
gives you that idea?

I don't know.
It's just a feeling.

Well?

Nothing yet.

Good thing is,
there's no evidence
of a struggle.

No blood or clothing,
anything like that.

And we haven't found
a single drop of semen yet.

Hi. I'm visiting
my friend from home,

although she
doesn't know I'm coming.

It's a surprise.

Oh, how nice.

How can I help you?

Oh, well,
I've never been here before.
I don't know where she lives.

What's her name?
I can look it up in
the student directory.

Oh, okay.

Tiffany Henderson.

Do I know you?

No, you don't.
Actually,
I know your boyfriend.

Okay. Who are you?

I'm Beth.

Could we just sit
down for a minute?

Okay.

Um...

This is really hard for me,

but it's definitely something
you should hear.

Your boyfriend's
cheating on you,

with me.

We were together
Thursday night,

twice,

and once again
Friday morning.

I thought
you should know.
(PENCIL SNAPS)

(YELLING)

Sorry.

Tiffany!

Tiffany, what the hell
are you doing?

(CROWD GASPS)

Who's that guy?

That's her boyfriend.

That's her boyfriend?

Yup.

He's been cheating on her.

I'm sorry, but

you have
the most beautiful feet.

Would you like
a foot massage?

No, I would not like
a foot massage.

(LOUDLY) As a matter of fact,
I would hate a foot massage.

Okay, I'm sorry. Relax.

Are there any guys out there
who are just normal? Huh?

Unleash the fury, Mitch.

Unleash the fury.

Come on, Mitch.

Eat him.

Please, Mitch.
Go get him, boy.
He's right there.

Kill him.

Maim him.

Bite him.

(SCREAMS)
Unleash the fury!

Wow, this is cool.

I've never been
in a fraternity house before.

Is this going to work?

Of course it's going to work.
I know
the handshake and everything.

Hi.

Hi. Can I help you?

Yeah.
My name's Rubin Carver.

I'm a Xi Chi brother
from the
Ithaca University chapter.

My friends and I
were just passing through,
looking for a place to party,

maybe even
a place to crash.

(REPEATING)

Xi. Xi.
Chi. Chi.

Xi. Xi. Xi.
Chi.

Hmm.

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Wow.

(SILENCE)

(CLEARS THROAT)
Uh, everyone,

this is Rubin.

Apparently,
Rubin is our
fraternity brother

from our Ithaca chapter.

These are his friends.

Listen, uh,
apparently we've
interrupted your dinner,

so we're just going to...

Hey, don't be crazy.

Listen, there's plenty of food
to go around, all right?

You guys are
more than welcome
to stay.

You know, this food's
actually pretty good.

Hey, you do realize this is
a national black fraternity?

They know you're
not a member.

I'm sorry.
I don't think about
that kind of stuff.

Okay, relax. Okay?
They're just
messing with us.

No way.
They're pissed
because he lied.

I say we get
the hell out of here.

Shh. Just relax.

Someone's got some
serious explaining to do.

Yeah. Look what we found
in this guy's duffle bag.

What? What is that?

No,
I've never seen that before
in my life.

What are you guys doing here?
Are you in the Ku Klux Klan?

Whoa, whoa.
That is not ours.

That is not mine.

Okay, hold on a minute.

There's obviously
some explanation for this.

Yeah, there is.
You see, your boy
here's an evil bigot,

and now he's going to die.

Justice.

JOSH: Kyle. Kyle.

Kyle.

There you are.
I thought we lost you
there for a minute.

Am I in the hospital?

You passed out.

They were
messing with us, Kyle.
It was a joke.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Racist?

But I watch Oprah Winfrey
every day.

It was a joke, outtie.
A joke.

Yeah, I get it.
Sure, put a Klan hood
in my bag.

Oh, that's funny. (LAUGHING)

I need a wine cooler.

Hey, have mine.

Thanks.

(IT'S TRICKY PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Isn't he just
the cutest little thing?

Oh, yeah.
Kyle's the man.

You mean never?
Not even once?

Well, I mean,
I've had sex before,

just, um,
never with a person.

Right.

Well, I think
that's kind of cool.

You do?

Yeah. I mean,
you should hold out.

It should be special.

Wait till you're in love.

I think I love you.

You are so cute.

(INSIDE MY LOVE PLAYING)

I take it you
don't have a condom.

Uh...
No. Um, I guess
I'm all out.

Well,
Lawrence probably has some.
Why don't you try that drawer.

Next to the Old Spice,
behind the belts.

Good guess.

You know what? Um...

I don't exactly
know what I'm...

What I'm doing and...

I'm... Ooh.

Shh. Relax, baby.
Let Rhonda handle this.

(EARLY MORNIN' STONED PIMP
PLAYING)

Thanks, I had a great time.
Take care. Stay cool.

Hey, Devon.

What's up?

Let's go, Kyle.
We want details.
What happened?

Well, we had a few drinks,
danced a little and you know.

No, we don't know.
Why don't you tell us?

(LAUGHING)

What the hell is that?

Did you kill a cheetah?

What?
No, these are her underwear.
She gave them to me.

(SNIFFING)
(ALL GROANING)

I boinked her.

Boinked?

Yeah, wait.
Did you just say
the word "boinked"?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Well, Kyle,
I certainly hope you got

all the boinking
out of your system,

'cause we got
a lot of driving
to do today, guys.

Do not get your hopes up
about visiting Graceland,

because right now
we are all about
the mission at hand.

Josh.

What?

That sounds like
a really good plan
except for one little thing.

What little thing?

We're out of money.

Okay. Before I have you
fill out these forms

I need to ask you
a few questions,

and then if you qualify,
you can make a sperm deposit.

Is that understood?
Mmm-hmm.

Fire away.

Now, be honest,
because if you
don't tell the truth,

the test will and
you won't get paid.

So first off,
have any of you
done any drugs

in the past 36 hours?

And that
includes marijuana.

(GROANS)

Okay, next.

Have any of you had sex
or masturbated
in the past 24 hours?

Well, I guess I'm out,
because I had sex last night,

with a girl.
(GRUNTING)

That's nice.

I think you'll find
everything you need
right here in these binders.

(CHUCKLES)
Why don't you each
take a cup.

And here's yours.

And I would appreciate it
if you could return those

to the front desk
after you're finished.

Okay, uh, thanks.

Cheers.

(SIGHS)

(MUTTERS)

Excuse me.

Do you have anything
with Asian women?

I have this thing
for Asian chicks,

and there seem to be
none in this binder.

Sorry,
this isn't Peep World.

Our selection's
rather limited.

You're going to
have to make do.

Okay, no problem.
You've been
more than helpful.

Is something wrong?

Well, no.

But I just, I couldn't
help but notice that.

Is there something
between us?

I mean, I was thinking that
maybe you might want to...

I don't know...
Help me out with a little

professional assistance.

Do you need some help?

Yes, I do.

The moment I
saw you out there,
I thought you were incredible.

I mean, you're not like
most of the girls I know.

You're a real woman.

That's fine.

Could you turn around
and drop your pants,

put both hands
flat on the table?

(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God.

This is great. Wow.
Like this?

Exactly.

(SIGHS) I have to admit,
I love you in that uniform.

Do those nylons
go all the way up

or are they like
those thigh-high kind?

I'm going to perform
a procedure on you called
milking the prostate.

It's an anally
induced ejaculation.

(WHISPERS) Anal?

You'll feel strong pressure
on the prostate gland

from inside your rectum.

Oh, come on, now.

You don't have to get
all scientific on me, baby.

I mean, we can just talk.

(GRUNTS)

(MOANS)

(GRUNTING)

Stop.
Okay, keep doing it.
Yeah!

Right there! Ah!

(MOANS)

(GIGGLING)

Oh, my God.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

Okay. All done.

(EXHALES)

That was awesome.
(CHUCKLES)

Wait. Wait,
does that work?

I mean, is it even
medically possible?

Oh, yeah. It works.

It works like a charm.

But back to our story.

BARRY:
It was Sunday morning
back in Ithaca,

when things suddenly took
an unexpected turn.

Look at me. I'm a mouse.
Eat me. Eat me.

Eat me. Eat me. Eat me.
Eat me. Eat me.

(SIGHS) Come on.

You better eat him,
Mitch, before I do.

(PANTING) He's tasty.

He's tasty, Mitch.
(MOANING)

(MOUSE SQUEAKING)
(MOANING CONTINUES)

Mmm! Mmm!

Why'd you lie to me?

(GROANS)

(GULPS)

I didn't lie.

You told me that
Josh went to Boston.

No, I didn't.
I said Austin.

You said Boston.

Because of you,
some guy's life is
ruined in Boston.

So what? Besides,
what's the difference?

Wherever he went,
he went because of you.

What do you mean,
because of me?

Look, it's obvious.

Josh likes you.
It's disgusting.

I knew you'd come back.

What do you want?

So how was your little
getaway with Josh?

I wasn't with Josh.

Huh, sure.

Doesn't matter, though,
because Josh won't be
back next semester.

He's about to
flunk philosophy.

What are you
talking about?

See, he thinks that he has
an extension on the midterm,

but, thanks to
a certain someone, me,

he doesn't.

He's such an idiot.

You are a psycho.

(SCREAMING)

(BETH SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(GASPS AND GROANING)

Oh, my God.

(I WANNA ROCK PLAYING)

(SINGING ALONG)
♪ Turn it down, you say

♪ Well, all I got to
say to you

♪ Is time and
time again, I say no

♪ No

♪ No, no, no

♪ Tell me not to play

♪ Well, all I got
to say to you

♪ When you tell me
not to play I say no

♪ No, no, no

♪ So if you ask me why
I like the way I play it

♪ There's only one
thing I can say to you

♪ I want to rock
♪ Rock

♪ I want to rock
♪ Rock

♪ I want to rock ♪

BARRY: That night,
I set the guys up at
my grandparents' house

for a place to crash.

I haven't been
to my grandparents' house
in a long time.

When I was seven years old,
I set their dog on fire,

and I haven't
been invited back.

But I hear it's
still real nice.

I'm serious.

"Please." "Thank you."
"This is delicious."

Those are the only words
you're allowed to say, okay?

What?
I'm great with old people.

Grandmas love me.

Wait a minute.
Wait, wait.

Manilow?

Barry's last name
is Manilow?
Yeah, yeah.

His name is
Barry Manilow?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TOGETHER) Hi!

Oh, my goodness.
Oh, look at you boys.

Jack, they're here.

(I SEE YOU BABY
PLAYING ON TV)

Jack,
Barry's friends are here.
Come say hi.

(DOG GROANS)
The boys are here.

Oh, hey, fellas.

Hi.
Hi.

How's it going?
Wait.

Let me get up
and I'll give you guys
the full tour.

Oh, honey, careful.
Your boner.

Well,
what do you want me to do?
Cut it off?

(GROANS) I'll tell
you what, fellas.

We'll start the tour
by me showing you
where you're going to sleep.

(CHUCKLES)
Maybe I'll show you what
we call the guest room.

Come on.
Follow me, boys.

(MUTTERING)

The guest room,
if you please.

Oh...

(RINGS BELL)

Excuse me.

You remember this kid?

No. Sure don't.

(MUTTERING)

(SCREAMS)

Let me ask you once more.
Have you seen my son?

Ow.

Now that you mention it,
there were a few guys in here.

If you loosen my arm,
I could get
their bill for you.

Use your other arm.

About how many were there?
I don't know. A few.

Ah! Four!

One of them was in here
trying to score drugs.

Honey, look.

They made two
calls to Austin, Texas.
Maybe they went there.

(DOOR OPENS)

Having a smoke?

Uh...

Yeah.

I can't sleep either.

Goddamn Viagra
gets my heart racing
like a lab rat.

(CHUCKLES)

Are you okay?
You look kind of goofy.

No, it's nothing.

Come on, out with it.
(SNIFFS)

Okay.

Well...

I almost died
two days ago.
What?

Our car exploded. Yeah.
I could be dead right now.

And since that happened,

I find myself asking "Why?"

You know? Like...

What is my reason
for living?

Are you going to pass
that doobie or what?

Doobie?

Yeah, sorry.

Uh, thanks.

(DOG GROANING)
You know
what your problem is?

You're all brains.
Not enough cock and balls.

People have been
telling me that

my whole life,
believe it or not.

When I was in 6th grade,

I got so worried about
the escalating situation
in Iraq

that they put me on
an adult dosage of Xanax.

And by 8th grade
I was in therapy
three times a week.

And the truth is,

weed is the only thing
that could ever
balance me out.

You know what I mean?
Like...

You okay over there?

Hey, old man.

I got the fucking
munchies real bad.

How about you?

Okay, Tiffany,
it's time to
stop being so sad.

Look at all this mail
you got.

Look how many nice people
care about you.

You even got
a package from Josh.

Really?

Should we open it
and see what he sent?

Yeah, come on, Tif.
Let's open it.

(LAUGHS) It's a tape.
Oh.

Well, pop it in.

Maybe I should
watch this on my own.

Oh, come on.

This'll definitely
cheer you up.

BETH ON TAPE:
What do you
look for in a girl?

Well, let's see.
She should be smart

(ALL GIGGLING)

and funny and...

That's good, too.

What else
do you look for?

JOSH ON TV:
She should be attractive...

And topless.

And she should kiss me.

(VOMITS)

You boys be good, now.

Bye, it was great
to see you.

I'll tell Barry
you said hello.

Hey, Jack,
have that bitch make me

some blueberry
pancakes right now.

(LOVIN' MACHINE PLAYING)

Excuse me.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Just a minute.

WWW dot

Episode Two slash spoilers,

backslash...

(SIGHS) Okay, look,
some people are here

and they are being
very rude.

Okay, call you back.

I'm sorry,
but we need your help.

Do you know
Tiffany Henderson?

Room 109.

Um, well,
her grandfather died

and she asked me
to pick up her mail
for her.

Oh, how sad.
Do you have the key?

Well, she didn't
bring it to the funeral,

so I was hoping
that you could...

Oh, I'm sorry,
but you need the key.

Don't worry.
Her mail will be here,

safe and sound.

It's not like that,
you see.

She needs something.
This is an emergency.

Let's not make a big
deal out of it, okay?

Well, it's not a big deal,
but you need the key.

Rules are rules.

No one's asking you to do
anything wrong here, man.

Just, you know, look away.
Go have an Eskimo Pie
or something.

You guys are going
to have to leave, okay?

We're not leaving
without that mail.

I suggest you
listen to the man

before you get
some Jackie Chan
happening on your face.

Come on, fellows.
Let's go right now.

That means now, asshole.

(GRUNTS)

I think he broke my nose.
Oh, God.

Let me see it.

Come on, Susie.

You're a wrestler?
You bet, Mary.

You want to go?

Let me see it.
Just let me see it.
Oh, God!

All right.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Who's my bitch?
What?

Who's my bitch?

(JOSH GROANING)

E.L.: That's it.

(YELLING CONTINUES)

Okay, everyone, freeze.

This here
is pepper spray

and we will not
hesitate to use it.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANING)

These guys jumped me.

I was just
sitting behind my desk.

What?
Kyle!

Dad?
That's your dad?

Freeze right now.
Everybody, freeze.

Put the weapon down now.

For Christ sake,
my son was kidnapped.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Who was kidnapped?

I wasn't kidnapped.
These are my
friends from school.

What are you talking about?

We all drove
down here together.

What?

Then explain to me
how the frigging car
got blown to hell.

Well, see...

It was stolen.

That's right. It was stolen.
Tell him, Kyle. Wasn't it?

Uh-huh. Exactly.

Stolen?

What about
the damn credit card?

It was in
the glove compartment
and that was stolen, too.

Oh, bullcrap!
This is ridiculous!

Why didn't you tell us
where you were?

Because I knew you'd get mad.
See, look how mad you are.

I'm not mad!

Come on,
you're going with me.
Outside, in the car.

Josh?

(CROWD GASPS)

Tiffany.

What the...
What's going on?

Nothing.

Damn, dude, she is hot.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Ben,
my girlfriend's paging me.
Can we let these people go?

It's a good idea.
I like him.

No one is going anywhere.

Bullshit, junior.
He's coming with me.

Get off of me.

I'm going back
with these guys.

You shut your mouth
and you don't talk back
to me.

Why don't you shut up?

What the hell did
you just say to me?

I said, "You shut up."

All my life
you've been telling me
to stand up for myself.

Well, now I am.
So leave me alone,
you jerk.

Why, you
ungrateful little...

(ALL SHOUTING)

Go away! Go away!

(ALARM RINGING)
(COUGHING)

What was that all about?
Josh, what are you
doing here?

I just miss you.
That's all.

I miss you too,
but it's crazy for you

to drive
all the way over here
because you miss me.

Why? I thought
you'd be glad to see me.

I am glad to see you,
but...

Josh,
you have your entire life
to live up at school.

This isn't healthy.

Besides...

I realized a few things
this past week, you know?

You did?

Like what?

Like we're in college.

The window of
opportunity to go out
and have fun and

meet new people

is getting smaller
by the day.

It is?

Come on, Josh.

We've been
together forever.

I mean, you're
pretty much the only guy
I've ever been with.

What do you mean,
"Pretty much the only guy"?

Well, I was 14
and you were away at camp.

But that was years ago.

Besides, we were in
different area codes.

(SCOFFS)

You know what?
I've been thinking
a lot about us, too.

(PHONE RINGING)

Um, the real reason
I drove down here...

Hold that thought.

Hello?

Yeah, he's right here.

Who is this?

Hold on.

It's for you.

It's Beth.

Who's Beth?

Uh... (SIGHS)

Beth?
Hi, Josh.

What are you doing?

Look, I'm not really sure
what's going on between us,

but I need to
tell you something.

I'm actually glad you called,
because I wanted to
tell you something.

Okay, you first.

I can't really talk
about it right now.

But I promise I
will explain everything
when I get back. Okay?

Really. I promise.

Uh, I got to get going,
though. Okay?

Wait, wait.
Don't you want
to hear mine?

Right. Sorry.

Is it good?

Not really.

Jacob lied to you.
There's no extension
on your midterm.

What?

He tried to trick you.

If you don't get back,
you're gonna fail.

What do you
look for in a girl?

Shit.

She should be smart,

and funny and...

Aren't you glad I called?

Yes, thank you, Beth.

I'll call you as
soon as I get back, okay?
All right.

Okay, bye.

This for me?
Hmm?

Oh, God, no, no!
You don't want...

What the hell is this?

Rubin,
I can see myself
on the TV.

I think the tape
must be rewound.
(LAUGHING)

It's Barry.

Hey, look.

Look at that.
You can see my bum.

(LAUGHING)

Why would you
send this to me?

E.L.: So, wait.

You guys broke up,
then you hugged
and then you left?

Yeah. Pretty much.

Oh, loser.

You always have sex
with a girl one last time
before you break up.

Everyone knows that.

It's not like that.
I've known her
my whole life.

She's my best friend.

So, what do we do now?

You guys want to
smoke some drugs?

I don't think so, Kyle.

My midterm starts
in exactly 46 hours,
so I got to get back.

Although I'm
going to fail anyways,

so it doesn't
really matter, but...

Which class was it?

Ancient philosophy.

I could teach you
ancient philosophy
in 46 hours.

You can?
Yeah.

I could teach
Japanese to a monkey
in 46 hours.

The key's just
finding a way to relate
to the material.

Like, okay.

You like pro wrestling,
don't you?

Who doesn't?

Okay. Socrates, he was
like the Vince McMahon
of philosophy.

He started it all.

(PUMPING ON YOUR STEREO
PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Oh, what was
the Twenty-Man Battle Royal?

Participation
explains predication.

Aristotle's
"one over many" argument.

Right.

You know this.
You'll be fine.

(ROBOT BEEPING)

Freeze right there.
Don't move.

Is this philosophy?

If you hear anything,
give me a call.

Bomb threat is
serious business.

It's a felony.
Here, take my card.

Okay.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)

MAN: Okay, let's move it.

What's going on
with this bomb threat?

False alarm, people.

Everyone, back inside.

We're going to
do this thing.

That's right.

Josh.

Beth.

Hey, um...

Thanks for calling.

Uh, it's been
a really weird week.

So how'd you do?

On the exam?
Pretty good, actually.

You did?

Were you surprised?

You weren't back in
time for the exam,
so I

called in a bomb threat.

You did that?

(LAUGHS) That's insane.

I wasn't going to let Jacob
get you kicked out of school.

Besides,
I might need you around
next semester.

So I did good, right?

Good?

That's the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Mom?

(PANTS) I'm so sorry.

Mom?

I got carried away
with the story.

(PANTING)

So anyway,
Josh got a B plus
on his midterm.

He got to stay in college.

BARRY: And I'm happy to
report that he and Beth
are still together.

They're still
really into making
their home movies.

In fact,
they have about 70 hours
of unedited amateur video.

It's pretty wild.

I know,
because I bought
some of it on eBay.

That guy, Jacob...

He left school.

He went on to
become the leader
of some cult out in Iowa.

Eventually
he tried organizing
a mass suicide.

Only problem is he drank
the Kool-Aid first and...

Well, afterwards
everyone else just kind of
changed their minds.

Too bad.

As for Rubin...

Remember Rubin?

Remember how he always
claimed that he was
destined for great things?

Something tells me
the people of Earth
are going to need me.

Well, he was right.

Rubin used cross-pollination
to develop
a strain of marijuana,

that is not only
remarkably potent,

but also
completely undetectable

by any of today's
standard drug tests.

Oh, my God.

He was named High Times'
Man of the Year.

(LAUGHING)

As for E.L.,

despite his
swinging philosophy
on sexuality,

he got pretty serious
with some girl he met.

And you want me
to use two fingers?

I believe she was premed.

Did I say two?

Better make it three.

Then there's Kyle.

Kyle and his father
reconciled their differences.

Hi, Dad.
Merry Christmas.

He brought his
new girlfriend home
to meet his parents.

Rhonda,
this is my father, Earl.

Dad, this is Rhonda.

Merry Christmas, Dad.

Come here.

That's the end of the tour.

Okay, I hope each of you

strongly considers
becoming part of
the Ithaca tradition,

as we lead
future generations of
young men and women

forward into
the new century.

Thanks a lot.
You guys were great.
Thanks.

Thank you so much.

No, it was good.
It was fun.

Thank you so much.

I'll see you in the fall.
Definitely.

Thanks. Okay.
Thank you.

I'd just like
to say thank you.

I mean, uh,
that was really great.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

BOY: Mom?

(MR. E'S BEAUTIFUL BLUES
PLAYING)

Thank you.

I'm pumping your mommy.

(MOANING)

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)