All language subtitles for Hercules S04E16 Porkules.DVDRip.NonHI.en.UNVSL

Redecorating?

Still upset about Strife, huh?

He was a geek with
the IQ of a sponge.

Take my word for it,
he's better off dead.

Still, he was fun
to kick around.

I think I may have found
a way to cheer you up.

Oh, let me guess.

You hatched a plan to rid the
world of my overrated half-brother.

So, what else is new?

All right, enough's enough.

Snap out of it.

You're starting to
become a real drag.

Why Discord, I'd forgotten
what a temper you have.

I know we haven't been
the best of friends lately,

so why don't you let
me make it up to you.

Oh, what did you have in mind?

Why spoil the fun?

Let me just say that
by the end of the day,

you'll be so tickled,

you'll want me to be
your second in command.

Strife's body is not even
cold yet, you have no shame.

And I like your style.

Oh, baby, there's a whole
lot more of me to like,

if you know where to look.

Oh, you know I do.

Go, impress me.

So the bear sits down,
and the tavern keeper says,

"You know, we don't get
too many bears in here."

And the bear says, "Well, at
these prices, I'm not surprised."

Okay, I guess that
one was kind of funny.

You know, um,

usually when people say
something's funny, they like, laugh.

Sorry.

Well, at least Jason
will find it a hoot.

He's got a sense of humor.

I've got a sense of humor,
I just exercise it wisely.

You know, I can't believe
Jason and Alcmene,

are celebrating their second
anniversary. Boy, time flies.

That's not the only thing. What?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yahoo!

What's up, Herc? You are.

Oh, Iolaus, meet Hermes,
the messenger of the gods. Hi.

All right.

You guys are my last gig of
the day. It's a good thing, too.

My feet are killing me.

So, do you have
a message for me?

Of course I've got
a message for you.

It says here, someone swiped
Artemis' bow from her temple,

she's all tied up at Olympus
and wants you to help her out.

Somebody stole Artemis' bow?

What did I just say,
didn't I just say that?

Oh, Hercules, it looks like we're
going to be late arriving at your mother's.

Shouldn't take too long, I think I have a
pretty good idea who we're looking for.

Autolycus.

Last time I saw that two-bit
hustler, he almost got me killed.

Well, I'm sure he'll
be glad to see you, too.

Well, I gotta bail.

I'm cruising over to
the Palladium later,

to check out the mud wrestling.

It's real dirty if you
know what I mean.

Later, dudes!

Whoo-hoo!

Let me guess, he and
Aphrodite are, like, real tight, man!

Oh, like, uh, totally, dude.

Two for you.

Now, that's the last of it.

You three, take the
king's gold to his vault.

You, stand guard.

Yes, sir, you can count on me.

To take as much as I can
carry while you're gone.

Hercules, ah!
Whatever your name is.

What a pleasant surprise.

Wish I could say
the same, Autolycus.

Isn't stealing the king's
gold a little beneath you?

How good of you to notice,

you see, I figure every so often a
fella just has to go back to basics,

besides, the king,
ah, he's plenty rich.

What about the
needs of the people?

Oh, come on, you don't
care about the people.

Of course I do. I
happen to be one of them.

Well, as much as I've
enjoyed this little reunion,

I haven't enjoyed it that much.

Good day.

Where's Artemis' bow?

Ah, my fame
spreads like wildfire.

No, like a bad rash. Oh,
fellas, admit it, you're impressed.

How many mortals can steal
from a god and get away with it?

You didn't get away with
it, we're here to take it back.

Oh, right.

Well, I'd love to help you out, I
really would. But the problem is, ah,

I sold it.

You sold it? To whom?

If I told you, I would
be violating the sanctity

of the thief-client
relationship.

Autolycus, you're not going to
fast talk your way out of this one.

Oh, all right, I'll tell you.

Oh, that hurts.

The other white meat.

Hercules?

This is the story
of a time long ago,

a time of myth and legend,

when the ancient gods
were petty and cruel

and they plagued
mankind with suffering.

Only one man dared
to challenge their power.

Hercules.

Hercules possessed a strength
the world had never seen,

a strength surpassed only
by the power of his heart.

He journeyed the earth, battling the
minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera,

the all-powerful
queen of the gods.

But wherever there was evil,

wherever an
innocent would suffer,

there would be Hercules.

Hercules?

Has he ever done this before?

I can't believe this! You!

This is your fault!

Me? What? I didn't
want this to happen.

I didn't turn him into a pig.

Yeah, well, whoever
had the bow did.

I hope it was worth it. Hey, hey,
I didn't just do it for the money.

Oh, that's big of you.

See, when you are the single
most gifted thief that ever lived,

you've got to find new
ways to challenge yourself.

Stealing from the gods
seemed like a good start.

You need your head read!

Now listen, who has the bow?

Oh, I didn't catch her name.
Black hair, black leather,

sort of sexy in a "tie me
down and hurt me" kind of way.

Discord.

You sold Artemis'
bow to Discord!

Well, how was I supposed
to know who she was?

Can you believe this guy?

Yeah, ah, you know,
we're gonna have to go

and find a way to
get that bow back.

Come on, Herc.

Let's go, men.

Huh?

Am I good or am I bad?

Oh, the worst.

No, you've outdone
yourself this time.

I have, haven't I?

I suppose

my brother is gonna have to
change his name to, um, "Porkules."

Ah, admit it, you've missed me.

Oh, let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

This is almost as good
as killing Hercules, almost.

Unfortunately, pig or no pig, Zeus'
decree still protects the little oinker.

True, we may not be
able to kill Hercules,

but it's gonna be a whole
lot easier for someone else to.

And I think I know
just the man for the job.

Say, uh, where are we going?

Where there's
Discord, there's Ares.

We've got to get to his
temple and get the bow.

It's the only thing that can
turn Hercules back into himself.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ares?

As in God of War, Ares?

Yeah.

Well, give him my regards,

tell him I really loved what he
did with that whole Troy thing.

Now wait a minute, Hercules
has done an awful lot for you.

You owe him.

Listen, you and I both
know if the big guy could talk,

he would tell us not to
stick our necks out for him.

Besides, he loves being a
pig, just look at the little guy.

This is all just a
joke to you, isn't it?

You little... Well, let me
tell you something, buddy.

Hercules is the best friend I
ever had and, yeah, you're right,

he wouldn't want us to
risk our necks to save him,

which is exactly
why we're going to.

Now he'd do the same
for me, even for you.

As much as I hate to
admit it, you've got a point.

Right, now come on.

Just one more thing, buddy
boy, you touch me again, and I'll...

What?

I'll be just as upset
then as I am now.

Discord, my black rose.

Where have you been?

Don't start getting
possessive on me, Colchis.

You're lucky I'm consorting
with a mortal at all.

Consort,

interesting choice of words
for all we've done together.

Don't flatter yourself lover, I've
been around since time began.

You couldn't even begin to
count the notches on my bedpost.

What can I say, I love a
woman with experience.

I want you to do
something for me.

I hope it involves candle wax.

You say the sweetest
things, but no, it involves a pig.

I'll try anything once.

No, you moron, I'm talking
about a very special pig,

a pig I want you to kill.

But, Discord, I'm the
best hunter in the world,

why would I want to kill a pig?

Because this pig,

is Hercules.

It's okay, Herc.

Yeah, I know.

Hey, I'll give you
10 dinar for that pig.

Oh, no thanks. He's
kind of a family friend.

Make it 15 and I'll
throw in the pants.

Oh, don't get your tail in a
curl Hercules, I was joking.

Yeah, you'd sell your own
mother if the price was right.

You better stop lookin' down
your nose at me, blondie,

I've had it up to my
moustache with your insults.

The truth hurts, doesn't
it? Yeah, so does my fist.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hand over the pig or
suffer Discord's wrath.

Now, I suppose
this is my fault, too.

No, it's my fault for bothering
to argue with a chiseler like you.

Surrender!

A wise move.

Now, throw down your
weapons and say you're sorry.

Pass me the pig. What?

Pass me the pig and
I'll get him out of here.

Are you kidding, I wouldn't
trust you with my lunch order.

Wait! Hercules!

The hounds!

Oh, way to fumble
the pigskin, pal.

Hey, don't start with me.
Why, what are you gonna do?

Get them!

Get in there!

After them!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Gangway! Come on! Down here!

Thank you.

Thanks.

Well, ain't you a
well-dressed little morsel.

And I just felt like
some pork chops tonight.

Herc, where'd he go?

Hercules!

This time there's no escape.

Whoa!

Whoa!

That's right, spread the
word. I'm a lover and a fighter!

Come on, we've got
to get that wagon! Ah...

Hyah! Hyah!

Hi, there, nice day for
a ride, don't you think?

Huh?

I'm Katherine,

it's nice to have some company.

Uh, are you talking to me?

Who else would I be talking to?

No offense, but you're a pig.

Well, have you seen your
reflection in the river, lately?

I hate to break it to
you, but you're a pig, too.

Good point.

So you got a name,
or what? I'm Hercules.

Yeah, sure, and I'm Aphrodite.

I guess I don't blame you for not believing
me, but I'm telling you the truth.

Okay, I'll play along. If
you're really the son of Zeus,

show me how strong you are.

I can't. The truth is I'm having a
little trouble getting used to this body.

I'm not. Oh, boy.

Slow down, will ya?

We can't afford to slow down,

we've got to get Hercules
before those killers do.

You know, for your information,
if you had trusted me back there,

Hercules would be safe
and sound right about now.

Yeah, or maybe you would have
sold him off to the highest bidder.

You got me all wrong, Curly.

You know, I may be a thief, but there
are some things that even I won't do.

Like what?

Like,

I won't drink red
wine with fish. Ah!

I won't eat the
horse I rode in on.

And I would never,
never sell out a friend,

which of course,
does not apply to you.

Yeah, well, thanks
for clearing that up.

Oh, boy.

There's got to be over
a dozen tracks here.

We've got a lot
of ground to cover.

Ah, hold your camels, Cleopatra,

my feet are killing me.

Wait a minute, that's it! Feet.

You know, if we
had Hermes' sandals,

we could cover this
entire province in no time.

Oh, sure, and he'll be more
than happy to give 'em to us.

Have you lost a wagon wheel?

Wait a second.

Aren't you the King of Thieves?

Oh, not up to the
challenge, huh?

Oh, I see how you
are, Mr. Morals.

Stealing is okay as
long as it suits you, huh?

Listen, we don't have a choice.

Besides, we can return
the sandals after we're done.

All right,

I'll help you steal those sandals,
but we do it my way, capisce?

Yeah, sure.

Now, come on, I know
where we can find Hermes.

Oh, you've got to be kidding me.

Come on, get the
lead out! Yeah, yeah.

Hyah!

Get up! Come on!

I knew there was more
to life than the farm,

but I didn't realize
the world was so big.

How'd you get here, anyway?

See, my folks are what
you'd call traditional.

They still treat me like a baby.

So I ran away. Your parents are
probably worried about you, Katherine,

the world's a dangerous place.

Yeah, well, thanks, Hercules,
but I can take care of myself.

Well, Colchis, your little outing
today was a complete success.

If you were looking
to embarrass yourself.

It's not my fault, Discord, I've
never seen ham run so fast.

If you don't find that
pig, your name's mud.

I love it when you talk dirty.

Let me put it to
you another way,

no pork, no party.

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

I'll find him.

So, this is where
you spend your nights.

Classy.

I can see why you've
been so secretive,

playing house with that
pathetic excuse for a warrior.

There's nothing wrong with a
little diversion from time to time.

Besides, you've been
such a party pooper lately,

and you know how I
hate to sleep alone.

Make no mistake, Discord, if
your little taxidermist fails again,

I'll make sure he sleeps
six feet underground.

Stay out of this, Ares.

If Colchis fails me, I'll deal
with him in my own way.

If I didn't know you better, I'd say you
actually cared for that knuckle dragger.

And if I didn't know you better,

I'd say you were jealous.

I'll give it six to one odds.

All right.

This thing itches.

Well, you said he
knows what you look like.

Now just keep your yap
shut, and let me do the talking.

Okay.

You, sir. Uh, me?

If I'm not mistaken, and I never
am, you're a god, aren't you?

Yeah.

Doesn't mean you
don't get tired, am I right?

Let me ask you something. Hmm?

Are you overworked, underpaid,
and altogether unappreciated?

Well, brother, we got
the cure for what ails you.

You have? We certainly do.

Why our fine line of
skin care products,

will leave you feeling fresh
as the day Zeus made you.

We start out with
sandalwood oil,

and a brisk massage to
loosen up those aching muscles.

But I don't... Oh!

Kids, don't try this at home.

We follow that with
a very rare mud,

brought in from the
banks of the river Legasus,

opens the pores, prolongs
elasticity, and curls the chest hair.

Haven't I seen you some... Nope.

And last but not least,

our own special concoction
of reticulated rhubarb oil.

Smuggled across the sea
by seven Vestal Virgins.

Where they hid the
rhubarb, I can only imagine.

No way.

Oh, yes, my friend, big way.

Now you just lie there and let
our goodies work their magic, eh?

And if you're not
satisfied with the results,

you come and see
us for a full refund.

If you can find us.

Quick, let's am-scray.

Pig Latin. Huh, how appropriate.

Rhubarb, huh.

I got a bad feeling
about this place.

I promise, I won't let
anything happen to you.

The pig's right, we've
gotta find a way out of here.

Relax, Woolus. Three meals
a day, warm place to sleep,

could be worse.

Uh-uh, no. Remember Cluckus,

that rooster who thought
he owned the place?

They took him away, we
never heard from him again.

What you talking about, Woolus?

Why on earth would
anyone want to hurt us?

For food.

I'm sorry to tell you this,
but we're in a slaughterhouse,

and the man who brought
us here is a butcher.

What do you know,
you're just a common pig.

Maybe so, Daddy-O,
but he's a pig with a point.

Truth of it is, I've seen animals
like you come and go for years.

I'm sorry, folks, there's
nothing you can do.

So tell me, what was it like
watching the King of Thieves in action?

From what I saw, I'm surprised
you're not in prison already.

In case you haven't noticed, I
swindled two gods in one day.

Now, I hate to toot my own horn,

but, uh, toot, toot.

For your information,
I used to be a thief.

And you are nothing special.

Well, then, it all
makes perfect sense.

You're jealous. Of you? Ha!

Hey, denial ain't just
a river in Egypt, Curly.

You look at me and you see
everything you wish you were,

everything you could
have been today.

Now, listen you...

I was ten times
the thief you are!

"Was" being the operative
word. Now look at you,

you're nothing but a water
boy to a half-god. No, to a pig!

Well, that's
because I know that,

that making a living out
of other people's hard work

is nothing different
than being a...

Parasite? Parasite, yeah!

Say, how's the weather
up there on your high horse?

You should tell me.

Well, it's a little
windy, actually I...

Oh!

Whoa! Ooh!

Iolaus, I...

Oh! Ooh!

Oh! Oh, ho-ho-ho-ho!

Look, Ma, no hands!

Whoa!

How about that? I could
get used to this god-thing.

Hey!

Whoa!

Stop this crazy thing!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Shut up, all of ya!

And this little pig...

went whee-whee-whee-whee,

all the way to the
chopping block.

Okay, little guy, this is
gonna be fast and painless.

Autolycus, come
on, fly straight!

Hey!

Okay, think, Herc.

Whoa!

Ooh!

Good timing.

Excuse me, out of the
way, coming through.

- Did you miss me?
- You really are Hercules!

Time to get out of here.
Follow me. Right behind you.

We're free, we're
free! Whoo-hoo!

Now's our chance,
quickly everyone!

I gotta tell ya, this whole
flying thing is for the birds.

You all right?

What do you care?

Hey, just because
I don't like you,

doesn't mean to say I
want you dead, or anything.

Iolaus, that's almost
a nice thing to say.

Well, don't let it
go to your head.

Where's Hercules?

Huh.

You,

you came back to save us, even
though you could have been killed.

I promised I wouldn't let
anything happen to you, and...

You were right. The
world's a dangerous place.

I didn't know people
could be so cruel.

Yes, they can, but
they're not all bad.

If you're really one of
them, I guess that's true.

I owe you one.

You said it. Hallelujah!

Free at last! Thanks, Hercules.

You're welcome.

Hercules, hey, come on!

Thank the gods, you're okay.

Pig says, "It's good
to see you, too."

Wait a minute, are you
saying you understand him?

Of course I can.

That's the problem
with you humans,

you never take the time
to listen to us animals.

You know, it's not bad enough I
have to listen to you lecture me all day,

now I gotta take it
from bird brain here.

Now, now, let's not forget I
can jump off this here branch,

and decorate your head faster
than you can say, "Sasquatch."

"Sasquatch." Will
you two stop it?

Discord's men are still on the prowl,
we've got to get someplace safe.

Pig says, "We'll be
safe at Alcmene's."

Good thinking, Herc.
Come on, let's go there.

Oh, ah, do you
mind coming with us?

We could do with a translator.

Yeah, I've got
nothing better to do.

Ah, by the way, you
got any crackers?

Better not mess
up my shoulder, pal.

Jason, I'm worried.

Hercules was supposed
to be here before lunch.

Oh, he'll be along soon enough.

Sweetheart, if we had a dinar
for every time Hercules was late

because he stopped to help
somebody, we'd be rich by now.

I hope she's not roasting pork.

Alcmene!

There, what did I tell you.

Iolaus, where have you been?

And why is that pig
dressed like Hercules?

Allow me to explain.

You see, who's to say one
lifestyle is better than another.

Why, just the other day I ran
into a gnome, a little fellow...

Will you shut up.

Alcmene, Hercules
is... Going to be late?

No, no, um, he's...
He's not coming, is he?

There's no easy way to say this.

Alcmene, this pig

is Hercules.

Oh, Iolaus, is this one
of your practical jokes?

I'm afraid not.

Hercules?

Oh.

Oh, that was smooth.

Two pigs, two men,

one walking with a heavier gait,

he has something
on his shoulder,

a bird of some kind. And look,

the sideways shuffle of
the pig on the left indicates

she can't keep her eyes
off the pig on the right.

Oh!

Hercules!

Oh!

Shouldn't be far now.

Sweetheart, are you all right?

Oh, Jason, I had
the worst dream.

Hercules was turned into a pig.

I'm afraid that was no dream.

But how?

Well, it's a long
story, Alcmene.

Let's just say that Ares and
Discord are up to their old tricks.

Hercules,

come here, sweetheart.

It doesn't matter,

I still love you, I always will.

And that goes
for me, too, buddy.

By the way, who's your friend?

That's Katherine. Your son
rescued us from a butcher, ma'am.

I told you he was
helping someone.

So you got yourself
a new girlfriend, huh?

You deviled ham, you.

Any friend of Hercules
is welcome in our home.

She seems very sweet, son.

Light 'em up, men.

Be ready!

Little pig, little pig,

let me in, or I'll huff, and I'll puff,
and I'll burn your house down!

What are we going to do?

We're going to fight.
That's what we're gonna do.

Yeah, we're gonna...
We're gonna do what?

Stay close to me, Katherine,
I... My turn to help you, Hercules.

No, Katherine, wait!

There he is! Grab him!

Too easy.

Discord will be pleased.

To the temple!

Oh, those morons,
they got the wrong pig!

Yeah, but if I know my pal, we're
about to embark on a rescue mission.

Not to mention, we
still need that bow.

Oh! Well, well, well. What?

What did I do now?

For a moment there, it
sounded like you cared.

Yeah, well, don't
let it go to your head.

So, what are we waiting for?

Uh-huh, right on.

The sandals? Ah! Okay, then.

Listen up, everybody,
here's the plan.

All right, let's
see the sausage.

I thought you'd never ask.

Cool it, Colchis, I'm
talking about the pig.

Of course.

Well, my little love muffin,

are you ready to rumba?

You idiot! This isn't Hercules!

What? That pig's a girl!

Discord.

I'm afraid your boy toy,

has embarrassed us long enough.

No, please,

give me one more chance!

Hey! You're fired.

Oh, boys.

Excuse me, I'm lost
can you help me?

Look out!

Well, that's what happens
when you mess with my son.

Can you take care
of him? My pleasure.

I wasn't done with him yet!

Well, I was.

You had no right.
And you have no taste!

I've seen more imposing shrubs.

Oh, please,

don't even get me
started on the skeezers

that slink out of your
temple in the morning.

Well, the mortal, the merrier,
that's what I always say.

It's disgusting! Oh,
sounds like jealousy to me.

In your wildest... Ooh!

Don't let me interrupt.

I just dropped in
to repo the bow.

This particular brand, you see,
has been recalled, and, well,

I wouldn't want anyone
to get hurt, especially me.

Wow, that hurt.

Whoa!

Ooh!

Let me have it!

Oh!

I don't remember inviting you
to the barbecue, but if you insist.

Whoa!

You want it, you got it.

Oh, oh, oh, not the
face, not the face.

Oh, little birdie. Ha!

Way to go, Fleevio.

What's the matter,
Discord, chicken?

Unless you want to
be the God of Gophers,

you better make like
a tornado and blow.

I won't forget this.

You!

Are on my list.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey!

Don't forget your chicken.

Anytime, anywhere.

Hercules!

Don't worry, you're
safe now. Thanks to you.

Katherine, what you
did was very brave,

but you shouldn't have
risked your life for me.

I owed you one.
Well now we're even.

After all I've seen today, I think
I made a mistake running away.

You know, it's not
too late to go back.

Will you come with me?

It would be my pleasure
to take you home.

Hercules, when you're
back in your body,

would you do me one last favor?

Anything. Would you hold
me like your mother held you?

You ready, buddy?

Hercules. Mother.

It is so good to have you back.

It's good to be
back, believe me.

Jason, I... Look, I'm sorry
I missed your anniversary.

I haven't been
feeling myself lately.

Having you back is
good enough for us.

I guess under different circumstances
we still would hate each other.

Yeah, well, for once,
I agree with you.

That's a start.

Glad to see you guys
getting along so well,

because I'd like the two
of you to do me a favor.

Well, we took on three gods,
saved your curly little tail,

I guess we can help
you out again. Name it.

First, I want you to bring those sandals
back to Hermes before you hurt somebody,

and I'll return Artemis'
bow myself, on the way.

Ah, on the way?

On the way to take a
friend home, like I promised.

Oh, Mother,
uh, I'll... I'll write.

He's certifiable, you know that?

Yeah, but I wouldn't
have him any other way.