Original subtitles

PUPILS CHATTER, HIP-HOP PLAYS

KIERON: Yo, it's Kieron. K-dog, youse know who it is.

Here we go. Scouse power.

RAPS: This bird's trying to front

And you're not even worthy

Smell your breath from the Wirral

This side of the Mersey

My bars are ice cold

And you'll still get roasted In your head rent-free

But you still get ghosted You skint little muppet

You're barred from Scousechella

And what's even worse is We've been bumming your fella, what.

You got something else, have you? Course I have.

Come 'ead, then, kidda. RAPS: Yo, Kieron

I think you need to stop it You're talking so big

When your dick is microscopic...

RAP BATTLE CROWD GROANS I'll dumb it down

So you'll get the gist The only time you'll get a job

Is in jail as a snitch... CROWD GROANS

Because if Lewis isn't there You're at risk

So if you drop the soap Then you're deffo getting rinsed.

CROWD GROANS WOMAN: Yes, girl!

Anyone who can decimate Kieron to the point

where he's questioning if he'll ever show vulnerability again

has to perform at the party.

Yes!

After the accident, I was determined to carry on painting.

I refused to let my talent die,

so I taught myself how to paint using only my mouth.

We don't have any talent to show, but we're thinking of wearing these.

I'm not gonna lie, life's been a struggle since,

but maybe being at the best party ever,

I'll-I'll feel accepted.

I'll be one of you. Wow.

You've really captured what Scousechella is all about.

BOTH SQUEAL Here's your tickets.

Sorry, mate, wheelchair access is a bit of a ball-ache.

Maybe next year, eh?

You are repulsive. Thank you.

Hey, look. Don't. No, no, no...

Sorry, lads. Sold out. MO GASPS

As if, lad! You've done that on purpose.

Youse pitching is pointless.

What could you possibly bring to the party,

apart from four little virgins?

He's a virgin. Lad... give us a chance.

There is one thing you could do to get tickets.

ALL GASP Yeah?

Call your dad on speaker

and ask him why he came inside your ma

and then pissed off for 16 years.

KIERON LAUGHS Shut up, lad.

I'd do it. It is only one phone call.

One. Are youse messing?

I'm not doing that. Off you pop, then.

Before we go, everything we've heard,

is it true?

Let's just say...

if you walked into a room to see Jurgen Klopp gargling Kieron's cum

then cum-swapping with a monkey on rollerblades...

..you wouldn't even be in the maddest room in the house.

Oh...

FFFFucking hell, lads! REECE GRUNTS

Why couldn't you just call your da?

Come on, is this party really that good?

It's iconic, lad.

You have to do the six shots of Scousechella. Yeah.

Each shot's worse than the last. No-one knows what's in them.

And after the sixth, it's pure euphoria, lad. Oh, yes.

And did you know there's

a 94.7655-recurring percent chance of you shagging there?

PHONE DINGS What?

Kieron runs the numbers.

And he publishes a paper the week after.

One sec, lads. That's... That is a game-changer.

We can't give up.

Do you wanna know what else is a game-changer?

Getting accused of doing something heavy.

What? Just think how many shags end in that.

15%.

Do you remember Michael Collins?

He was accused of non-consensual finger-blasting.

WHISPERS: He's never been seen again.

Never. Heavy.

You know my policy, girl. Exes always get tickets.

As a gesture of goodwill.

To show sex is never off the table. MIA-LOUISE: Ew.

Same for my exes' mates, too. So, what's happening?

I'm genuinely concerned about you.

Thank you. Curious camel, youse.

You knock me sick.

BOTH SCREAM AND LAUGH

GRANDMA PAT: 'There's somewhere

'your mum wanted me to take you after school tomorrow.

'Can you believe it's been a year since she left us?'

AIMEE: ..was a famous Scouse person. MIA-LOUISE: Oh, yeah.

You not gonna say hello? Looks upset, doesn't he?

Mm. I'll talk to him later.

Hey, do you think if he gets a ticket

it will say "with exclusive access to Aimee's foo-foo"?

Shh! MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES

What do you mean, girl?

All the lads expect sex at Scousechella,

especially virgins like Christopher.

How do you know he's a virgin? Are you joking me, girl?

Have you seen his shoes?

He's gonna wanna hit at least a few of the six bases of Scousechella.

What are the six bases of Scousechella?

MUSIC: 'Things That Make You Go Hm' by C+C Music Factory

Touching over clothes. Yeah?

Touching under clothes.

Oral. Oh!

Normal shagging. Mm.

Anal. Yeah!

Urgh! Lad?

Yay. Then six...

Toe sucking.

Ah lad, that's... Huh?

Toe sucking's a bigger deal than anal?

And there's even a secret seventh base. Uh-huh?

Period sex. AIMEE WRETCHES

Oh, that's scatty, that, lad. # Things that make you go hm. #

Sorry I'm late. I was picking up your one-month anniversary gift.

Oh. And I think you're gonna like it.

Nah, you're joking. Get in!

Ah!

And I fully expect to have all six of my bases smashed in.

HE SWALLOWS You what?

BOTH LAUGH

I can't believe it. Scousechella.

CHANTING: Say no to your fella at Scousechella.

Say no to your fella at Scousechella.

Oh...

Girls, you don't need tickets.

Think about what happens at this party,

and then remember you have bodily autonomy.

My body is for me, my body is my own.

PHONE DINGS Oh, my God.

Lewis has just announced he's hidden more golden tickets!

BOTH SQUEAL, LAUGH

MUSIC: 'Kebab Spider' by Sleaford Mods

Hey, Chris.

Why did you look so devvo before? Was it cos you didn't get a ticket?

Yeah, I'm crushed. I really wanna go.

Oh, keen, are you? Extremely keen.

And you know about the big six?

Yep. And you're still keen?

Course I am. You think I wouldn't do them too?

How many were you thinking of doing? All six. And in record time too.

SHE EXHALES I can be wild, you know.

You wanna do five AND six? I'll START with five and six.

They don't scare me.

That... That's great. Cheers.

Hiya, Aimee.

Hey. Are you and Aimee going to Scousechella?

No, she is, but I didn't get a ticket.

Dunno if you're lucky or unlucky, lad.

I mean, I'm sweating it a bit.

Like, you know, all the stuff about the six sex bases of Scousechella.

Wait, sex bases?

Yeah. Touching over clothes, touching under clothes, oral...

Oh, no, that's what Aimee was just talking about?

CONNOR GASPS She's probably ready, lad.

But I don't think I am.

First time, lad? No!

Yep. Me too. That's what I mean.

How do I tell Lauren that I'm sweating it?

"Hi, Aimee. I don't wanna have sex, but don't worry,

"I'm still manly, and definitely won't cry myself to sleep tonight

"cos I'm thinking about my mum." Lad! What?

It's a long story. Told you, hold it higher.

CONNOR SIGHS What's happening, boys?

What's he holding? WHISPERS: These idiots.

All right? Shut up, lad.

Charming (!) All right? I'll shag your da.

Mine's dead. I know.

Aimee got a ticket cos of his exes policy?

Yeah. Same as Lauren? No.

Lauren never went out with Lewis. Oh. Aimee said she did.

MUSIC: 'That's Tha Way Life Goes' by Nia Archives

REECE: Oh, where is Chrissie, lad?

TED: Offending the Japanese society, probably, with his white privilege.

Oh, look at him. Smiling like a big gimp.

CONNOR LAUGHS

He's whipped, lad, this is embarrassing.

He's a little rat. We're better off without.

Just forget about him. He's clearly forgot about us.

That's right.

Come on. We're meeting Chris at the gate.

MUSIC: 'Conveniency' by Nia Archives

# I can't always be, yeah, aye... #

Shall we watch a film, then? Oh, yeah.

What about that Gift From An Ex? That's new on Netflix, innit?

What you going on about, you?

Why didn't you tell me you got a ticket off Lewis

cos you used to go out with him? Who told you that?

It doesn't matter. Why haven't you told me?

Cos I genuinely didn't think it mattered.

You told me about your other exes. So?

So... isn't it a bit weird

that Lewis is the only one you didn't tell me about?

Connor, I'm sorry. I should've said something, but...

I think it's cos I don't even see him as an ex.

It went on for, like, two weeks.

HE EXHALES HEAVILY

Just forget about how I got the tickets.

Let's just go and enjoy ourselves.

You know, there's a 94.7655-recurring percentage chance

that you shag there?

But you're gonna see that it's 100%.

Cos you'll be in the corner knocking one out,

watching me shag another ex I've not told you about.

MUSIC: 'Rapper's Delight' by Xanudu And Sweet Lady

SIGHS

Connor told me how youse were after lunch plop buddies.

12:45 on the dot.

You're five minutes late.

I ain't gonna spend five minutes arguing with Mo.

He wants to be my new plop buddy, but he talks too much during.

Listen. I know you think I'm some bitch who's taking him away,

but the reality is, when we're together, we're happy.

You're his best mate.

Don't you want him to be the happiest he can be?

Right, I'm off to come between the Parry twins, Aiden and Caden.

It's gonna be tough to break that strong twin bond,

but if anyone can, it's this bitch here.

Hey, Aiden. You heard what Caden said about your bird?

Doesn't surprise me, girl.

All poshos are turned on by kinky stuff.

He's probably one of those that gets off on having sex in public,

with people watching.

You what? I'm not doing that.

It's the truth. It can't be.

Lad, I'm telling you, it's common knowledge.

What's common knowledge?

I'm just telling Chrissy it was last year's Scousechella

where Jurgen Klopp made his decision to leave Liverpool,

after that heart-to-heart in the deep,

meaningful chatroom with that divvy Kieron.

Maybe you can convince him to come back, Mo, if he's there this year.

Huh? Cos we're getting smoked

at Scousechella, baby!

Oh, I can't believe you got them, lad! I can't believe!

MO LAUGHS

MO, TED & REECE: Scousechella,

Scousechella, Scousechella,

Scousechella, Scousechella...

Come 'ead, lad. Look, I appreciate the ticket, boys,

but don't think I'm going.

Why? What?

Hey, hey.

Sniff iiiiiiit!

MO, TED & REECE: Scousechella, Scousechella,

Scousechella... ALL: Scousechella, Scousechella...

YELLING: Scousechella, Scousechella,

Scousechella, Scouse...! Oh! Yeah! Oh, baby!

Oh, my God. Right, he's a perv. Oh! Oh! I'm going! Oh!

Oh, God! G...! SHE CLEARS THROAT

HE GASPS

All you're doing is perpetuating the idea that guys see girls

as sex objects expected to have sex at this party.

Shame on you.

Shame on your gender. GIRLS SCREAM

BOTH GIRLS: Scousechella, Scousechella...

MO: Go 'ead, girls! ALL: Scousechella, Scousechella...

GIRLS: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

ALL: Scousechella, Scousechella... ELLA GRACE GROANS

Hey, Ella Grace! ALL: Scousechella, Scousechella,

Scousechella... SCREAMS

MUSIC: 'Sway' by Dean Martin

LAUGHS

Now, I haven't won the lottery.

My dad knows someone

who rents vintage cars, so he's gonna drive us to the party.

I can't believe it. Connor, this is amazing.

Your vehicle awaits, Miss Coleen.

Oh, yeah, tell your brother nice one for the England shirt. It's spot on.

Actually, that was Lewis's. He used to shag me in it.

You what?

Yeah, I was wondering what the stain on the three lions was.

Yeah, sorry. Mine, not his. Er...

Also, that bald cap? Absolutely not.

MUSIC: 'For Once in My Life' by Stevie Wonder

Here we go. Now, pass them, Dad. Thank you.

Hey, I think Chris Moloney's gonna be there, you know?

Who's that? Swear down.

Boys, we leave nothing in there, OK?

We need to make sure that when we're 50,

we're still talking about this

as one of the greatest nights of our lives.

And if I die in there tonight, don't be sad.

Be happy I got to live my dream.

# Reece Duffy Consensually shags who he wants

ALL: # He shags who he wants He shags who he wants

# Reece Duffy Consensually shags who he wants... #

Whoo!

# He shags who he wants... # MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC

TED: This is it.

Let's have it, then, the boys! LAUGHING AND WHOOPING

Yeah! Here we are!

Hey, come here! Oh.

Your mum wanted me to show you were she grew up.

The street we lived on. She recorded this message for you.

PHONE BEEPS MUM: 'Hiya, son.

'So, when are you gonna start leaving me those voice messages

'telling me how you are, like I asked you for, eh?

'I know, I know, it's hard.

'But you know what else is hard? Dying.'

Oh. 'So get a grip.'

BOTH LAUGH

'I've been thinking a lot recently about who I was at your age

'because now you're growing up where I grew up, in my city, my home,

'I want you to know what I was like at 16

'so you can understand me better when I'm no longer there.

'That's why I asked your grandma...

'Hiya, Mum.' Hi, love.

'..to bring you here.

'When we were growing up, my dad would tell me

'about how Liverpool was left to rot in the '80s,

'and it's one of the reasons

'why the people of Liverpool stick together.

'When I was 16, I wanted to paint something

'that represented the spirit that makes this city so special.

'Mark Twain wrote, "The two most important days in your life

' "are the day you're born and the day you find out why."

'I actually think there are loads of days when you find out why.

'Painting this for my dad was one of mine.

'When life is tough, you need a team.

'Find the special person to be in your team, son.

'You'll need them to take on life.'

PHONE DINGS

Christopher's coming the party.

He's probably paid thousands for a ticket.

Desperate to shag you.

He's put,

"I've had so much shit build up inside me

"over the last couple of days.

"I'd really like you to be the person that I unload it on."

Eeee, dirty bastard. Eurgh.

Oh, my God, lad.

MUSIC STOPS Is that a gong?

It's not death that a man should fear.

He should fear never beginning to live!

GONG CLASHES, CHEERING

ALL: Five.

Six.

Whoo!

Fire tonight! CHEERING

Get in there, our kid.

ELLA-LOUISE: Oh, fuck sake.

CHANTING: Scousechella, Scousechella.

Chella and Scouse, we're in the big old house.

Ladies and gentlemen, how tickled I am, how tickled I am.

Why have you come dressed as an old paedo?

I'm Ken Dodd. My grandma told me he was famous.

Yeah, about 50 years ago. Do I believe in safe sex?

Of course. I have a handrail round the bed.

You're actually obsessed, you. What? I Googled him.

It's one of his jokes! Are you gonna ignore me all night?

I wanna talk to you.

Why? Ready to unload, are you? What?

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

# Something in my heart keeps saying

# My someplace is here... #

REECE: Work son? Looks like a little bellend.

# If I had it in my power

# I would arrange for every girl To have your charm... #

There he is.

The last person you ever thought would get a bird, Connor Bell.

The lad who actually used one of them

girlfriend simulator dating apps, and even she dumped him.

Grow up, lad. It was mutual. We wanted different things.

I'm sorry, but you've dropped something.

What? Your mates.

The minute a girl's shown any interest in you.

Wayne Rat-ney.

Excuse me, darling. Oh, the tickle chickens. Ooh!

Freak! Aimee? Aimee!

Smile. Yeah, yeah.

Lads, I just wanna say congrats on pulling these absolute worldies.

Fair play, cos youse have done it being right ugly bastards.

I mean, look at this one. Fuck me.

I thought Shrek weren't a scouser,

and then I realised he's not even in fancy dress.

Go home before you get your jaw spun!

Yeah, lad, really? Reece!

Yeah, you fucking rat! Why are you acting like a tit?

You're gonna get your head kicked in.

What's going on with you? Nothing. I'm sound.

Reece, I've known you since your Peppa Pig days, you can't lie to me.

Simpler times.

Apart from when Suzy Sheep moved away. That was heavy.

Is that what this is?

You're Peppa Pig and Conner's Suzy Sheep?

'Ey, are you sure?

Sure as I am that you're gonna wanna keep that cap on.

Come on, you. Oh, my God.

I can't believe it. You better believe it.

THEY GIGGLE

Oh, erm, right. Er...

Would you just give this a once over?

Sign where indicated. The hell's this?

READING: 'By signing the above, I agree to engage in

'all of the following consensual sex acts with Mo Azzouz Fassi.'

Oh, my God, the list is endless.

How much porn do you watch, you weirdo?

You know, like, erm...

I can't believe I got you so wrong.

I thought you were more mature. Mature?

That another thing you're into?

Want me to peg an old woman as she sucks you off with her teeth out?

What? Listen, Christopher.

Whatever weird shit you're into is up to you,

but maybe I'm not the girl for you

because I'm just not ready to have sex.

OK, one, I'm not into weird shit,

and two, I'm not ready to have sex either.

You are ready, you said you wanted to do all six bases.

I thought you were talking about the shots!

You're the one that was talking about the bases

and asking me how many I wanna do!

Cos I was trying to find out if you wanted to do them

cos you looked so upset about not getting a ticket!

Then, this is a bit awkward.

When it happens... it happens.

But I don't wanna force it. Me too.

And I don't wanna do it at a party, and definitely not all six.

In fact... I'm thinking of rebranding them.

Five is really seeing the person, then six...

lovemaking. THEY LAUGH

When you saw me in the playground upset...

..it's actually because it's the anniversary of my mum's death.

Chris... I didn't know.

READING: 'Angry pirate, slurp and burp,

'banjo for sale, snowball.'

The rusty trombone? You creep! No, no, no, no!

No, no, I'm not saying we do it.

Just had to put it there in case we did!

Oh, for fuck sake, Mo! Grace!

MOANING AND GASPING

HE GASPS Brimble?

GIRL: There he is, walking like nothing's happened.

He's so creepy. Who's he texting?

I know, he's a proper freak. Connor!

I need to see you in my office.

Hey, do youse reckon it's true?

I've always had bad vibes from him. He looks guilty as anything.

AIMEE: I didn't think he'd do something like that.

I'm afraid there's been a very serious allegation made

against you... of sexual assault.

You what? What do you mean?

I've already spoken with your father,

and we both agreed it's best you stay at home

while the safeguarding officer investigates.

From Lauren?

I'm afraid I can't disclose who the allegation's come from.

Sexual assault?

Sir, I didn't. I swear.

Did you do it, lad?

There it is.

What's this?

Lad, what's going on?

Have you been filming the rooms? Where's the footage? I need it now.

It was on my laptop, but... But what?

Someone nicked it at the party, lad.

What if they find the videos and expose me?

I'll be just like Michael Collins, never seen again.

Everything I've worked for will be gone.

All my achievements tarnished,

the scraps I've won, the birds I've shagged.

All them moments will be lost in time...

like your own cum in a bukkake.

Lad, we get on a flight to, like...

..Fiji, start a farm.

I'll harvest the crops, you can tend to the livestock.

Fuck off!

YE MA ON VIDEO: 'Hello, Allsbrooke School, this is Ye Ma.

'Youse all know a Scouse ma always discovers your secrets.

'What time you got home, if you've been smoking weed,

'and what you got up to at Scousechella.

'Ye Ma's also wise.

'She knows our secrets only make us sick until you let them out!

'And that is why Ye Ma's gonna be dropping footage of the party

'to all your emails every day, starting at 9pm tonight.'

GIRL: Ey, Love Island's on then!

'Now we're about to have some real fun.

'Nobody's safe...

'unless you didn't go to Scousechella,

'then you're a nobody anyway.'

MO: I can't wait for this. EXCITED CHATTER

My grandma sent me here

as my mum left me another message to listen to.

Hang on, it's a video file.

'Hello, son. Surprise!

'The last day I found out why I was put on this Earth

'was when I found out that my cancer was terminal,

'cos I knew then I'd have to do everything in my power

'to make sure you were OK after I'm gone.

'Living with your mental but loving grandma is one thing...

'..and growing up in my city,

'a city I know will look after you, is another.'

'And then understanding me more...

'..so that you know where you come from and what connects us.

'Because what have I told you about sticking together?

'You can't do this alone.

'Me and you are a team, and we always will be.

'Keep doing me proud.

'Love you forever, my son.'

PHONE BLEEPS Hi, Mum.

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to do this.

I was a bit preoccupied

with my girlfriend thinking I was a sexual deviant,

but... that happens in every relationship, right?

This year's been hard.

I miss you so much. I'll always miss you.

But you'll be so proud of Liverpool.

I've made great friends... and the good news is...

I've found that special person to be in my team...

..and it's gonna be a pretty formidable one, because...

I'm falling in love with her.

PHONE CHIMES, BABY CRIES

YE MA: 'Here we are, Allsbrooke.

'Whose secret should we unwrap first?

'Connor Bell!

'You all think he's a monster,

'but Ye Ma knows that a monster's story isn't always black and white.'

Look, can we slow down a bit? Why?

Are you sure? Are you sure?

Are you sure? Why do you always have to ask me?

Do you not fancy me? Are you not into it?

Are you sure? Be impulsive.

What do you want me to do? Just grab me. Grab me.

Do you not fancy me? No!

Then show me. Are you not into it?

No, I am. Are you not a man?

You're not being a man. What do you want?

Stop asking me! Be a man!

SHE GASPS

Maybe we should try something different.

What? Like what? Like this? How's that? Is that better?

Is this what you want?

It doesn't need to be like this. But this is what you asked for.

Just be you, Connor. I am being me.

This isn't you. It is me. It is.

It is me. It is me. It is me. It is me. Stop!

# Cos I'm a woman

# I'm a very fucking brave Strong woman... #

I didn't want any of this.

You shouldn't have told Mr Meacher. He assaulted you.

It was the right thing to do.

# Was a girl, now I'm grown I'm a woman. #

Did I do something wrong? REECE: 'I don't think so, Con.'

But others might.

What's gonna happen, mate? 'I dunno, but it's gonna be OK.'

I've got your back.

PHONE CHIMES

YE MA: 'But Ye Ma is not all about the heavy stuff.

'Ye Ma loves wholesome moments,

'natural moments, moments that just... happen.'

I think I get it.

You've always been the main man,

and you feel like you're losing your audience.

Connor doesn't need you as much,

your mum doesn't, cos she's off dating.

You feel like you've peaked, and that's it. Am I right?

So, what do I do now?

Be yourself cos they still need you.

They just want more, too.

You've got your whole life ahead of you.

Soon you'll meet the right girl, and you'll want more, too.

You reckon? Course you will.

Everyone loves you. I love you.

I was bladdered. He kissed me!

Chris! Chris!

Don't bother. DOOR SLAMS

YE MA: 'Ye Ma will drop more footage tomorrow.'

'If you've got nothing to hide, then you're safe.

'If you do, then you better pray it's not you.

'Bit pointless, though, cos no'ing gets past a Scouse ma.'

# I cheated myself

# Like I knew I would

# I told you I was trouble

# You know that I'm no good

# I told you I-I was trouble

# Yeah, you know that I'm no good No good. #

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