Original subtitles

Authorial intent is vital,

so always attack the question

by thinking about what Shelley... J. ..is trying to tell the reader.

For example... Jam. Jamboree.

He even wants to cheat death itself

for getting the moral...

Juggernaut. Jalapeno. Jazz. ..moral and ethical im...

..plications of his actions.

So much so... Jizz.

Jackpot. Jack Grealish. Joey Barton!

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Joey Barton?

Er... yeah.

Cos, as we know,

Joey Barton and Frankenstein are both seen as monsters,

but did society create them that way?

Good, Connor.

Poetic.

It's going on the board.

Except, we've been studying Frankenstein for two months now...

..and you still don't know that "Frankenstein"

is the name of the doctor, not the monster.

THEY LAUGH

# You lost the game With Frankenstein

# You lost the game With Frankenstein. #

# You terrored yourself See me at lunch

# You've terrored yourself So you can see me at lunch. #

THEY JEER, LAUGH

Do you need assistance to be able to wash either your hair or body

below the waist? Why?

Are you offering? HE LAUGHS

You're gonna have to buy me dinner first, love.

Mr Morris, I need you to answer properly

if you wanna be fully assessed. I'm sorry.

I can wash myself.

Er, and you said in the application that you have vision problems.

Can we conduct an eye test?

Who said that? Aimee, is that you?

THEY CHUCKLE

Sorry. Yeah, sometimes, I get blurred vision

that lasts a few hours, but they're OK today.

Could you read the letters behind me from the top, please?

There's no point, is there?

I've just told you, my eyes are fine today.

I'll need you to take the test, Mr Morris.

E, F, P, N, J...

# It's fun to stay At the YMCA, hey. #

THEY CHUCKLE Very good.

OK, so you will have to wait six weeks for an official decision,

but I can tell you now, you didn't receive

the total points required to be awarded the standard rate

for the daily living or mobility component.

What does that mean?

It means you will not be awarded PIP.

Look, just check my medical records, OK? It's all there.

We don't use medical records, Mr Morris.

We are fully trained to assess how your health condition

affects your daily life and therefore your PIP eligibility.

You've just used the word "life" there, love.

You do understand that the past ten minutes isn't my life.

My life is waking up every single day

and thinking I'm not gonna let this affect me,

and then I can't even get out of bed

because my leg's not working properly.

My life is trying not to feel sorry for myself,

and then the fear hits me like a ton of bricks

and I've got no choice.

My life is being petrified every single day

that I can't afford to support my own bloody daughter,

so don't you sit there, love, and tell me about my life. OK?

I haven't seen you that angry

since KFC forgot your gravy in your Bucket for One.

Don't be trying to make me sound insane.

There was a mini fillet missing, too.

It was the double blow that got to me.

Hey, we'll appeal it.

Yeah, but by then, it'll be,

"Can you put up your bloody homeless tent unaided?"

What are we gonna do if I can't work, eh?

We'll cope.

Then when I'm a famous actress and we're living off my millions,

we'll drive past here in a Lamborghini

giving them the fingers. Hm?

"Wahey, shove your PIP up your arse!"

THEY CHUCKLE

He's too sick to work but not sick enough to get PIP.

Hey, if you need money quick, we could be brand ambassadors

like Abbey Clancy is for Marks & Spencer's food.

Yeah, she gets Marksies. What are we gonna get?

Westminster Kebabbey by ours?

MIA LAUGHS

When I'm walking home pissed out my face,

I love nothing better than the £7.99 doner crunch burger

from Westminster Kebabbey.

So if you don't mind being perved at by Abdul,

this is the burger for you.

THEY LAUGH

Everything else is about getting big on socials.

Beauty videos make the most. Mm.

Hey, we've got make-up tips. We could get followers doing that.

It's worth a try, I suppose.

Hmm. Oh, here he is.

How did this morning go?

Not good. We didn't get it.

I'm sorry. Everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, surely, the 7th Earl of Gimpy Shoes

is gonna inherit some estate?

Marry him and you're sorted, girl. Hm!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, come on Mum, if you save just one peno,

I'll hoover for two weeks.

See you later.

Where are you going?

All right, Sherlock. I'm out with the girls.

Aren't you supposed to be seeing your dad?

I am.

Just gonna whip a few past you first.

Behave yourself.

I saved one last week and you never touched that hoover.

Mum, you parried it onto the post, and then it defo crossed the line.

Whatever, lad. See you later.

HE EXCLAIMS What's that?

Goal-line technology. You actually put up a hidden camera?

Yes, I did, and there's one in your bedroom as well.

What? SHE CLICKS TONGUE

See you later. Yeah.

Have fun with your dad, baby. I will.

PHONE BUZZES

You all right, Dad? 'Son, I've got to cancel tonight.

'Sorry, lad, but I'll make it up to you.

'I've sent a brass to yours,

'and if you're anything like your dad, you love an Asian.'

Nah, Dad, don't do that. 'I'm winding you up, lad!'

HE EXHALES 'It's actually a BBW.'

What? 'Yeah, but I will make it up to you. I promise.

'All right, ta-ra. Bye, bye, bye.'

Did you see the comments on our video?

"Suddenly, Maggie Thatcher leaving Liverpool to rot is justified."

AIMEE SCOFFS

"This is why white girls get a bad name." Huh?

Well, this one is actually quite nice.

"I hope you both get the help you need."

AIMEE SCOFFS Aw.

Yeah, it didn't exactly take off, did it?

Well, what did you expect?

They saw through the desperate attempt to make money.

Ee, well, how do you make money? WokeFans?

AIMEE LAUGHS

POSH ACCENT: Subscribe for exclusive content of white people

silently realising their privilege.

THEY CHUCKLE

No, because money is a superficial struggle.

Progress and injustice, they're the real battles.

Hasn't your podcast just started a Patreon?

Yeah, but all the money is reinvested back into the podcast

for better equipment or booking guests.

Had your hair done recently? And your eyebrows?

We video the podcasts for YouTube.

There's nothing wrong with looking presentable.

Of course, it'll help.

POSH ACCENT: "Hello, refugees, this is your pilot speaking.

"We're heading back to the UK.

"Asylum has just been granted.

"The Brimble has just had her eyebrows tinted."

Through adversity, heroes are born.

THEY LAUGH

Ugh, it's 12:30. Where is he?

We can't start the meeting without him.

HE CHUCKLES SOFTLY

What is that?

My mate got them made for Mischief Night Thursday.

You know, mis-CHIEF.

We've all got Indian Chief names.

I tried this once.

It's boss, innit?

And you think treating the culture of a minority group

as one big joke is funny?

I-I didn't realise. I'm sorry.

Maybe next year, youse can all do blackface,

and I can educate you on why that's offensive, too?

Oh.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, right. OK.

So, Mr Offends People's Cultures, are you coming to the shop?

PHONE BUZZES Oh.

I'm supposed to be meeting the boys.

But they can wait.

Good shout. You finally get to see my car.

Nice. Got it for my 17th.

The other comments were just pervy, weren't they?

"No idea what youse are chatting, but youse are heavy." Hm.

"Would smash the ginger one." Mm. Mm.

Well, sex sells, Aims, innit? Mm.

Lads have got to give their cocks the final say.

We've both had messages on Insta from lads saying they'll pay us

to text them, keep them company, ask how their day was.

Imagine how much they'd pay if I was like, "How's your day?

"Oh, and how's that big, fat, lovely cock of yours?'

THEY LAUGH True.

Oh, Aimee, Lindsay's coming in from RARE, Thursday.

She wants to talk about your options

for sixth form after your GCSEs. Be there. OK.

Hey, sir, doesn't sex sell?

What?

Like, if you had to choose between Jodie

serving you cottage pie in a bikini

or Sharon, you'd choose Jodie, wouldn't you,

cos sex sells, and she's got a good body?

No, not necessarily. Oh.

So you'd choose Sharon over me, would you, sir?

I'm not saying I'd choose Sharon. Wouldn't touch her with a barge pole

because she's not thin enough for your taste, sir?

Love a bit of fat-shaming, do you, sir?

Just because you're slim

and never struggled with a weight problem, sir?

Well, actually... Take pure joy in eviscerating

Sharon's self-esteem, do you, sir? What?! No...

Part of a little online community where you meet up

and make fun of overweight people, are you, sir? No!

HE SIGHS Why?

"Little Trust Fund" - very original.

What, just cos I'm Southern, it must mean I'm rich?

It's cos it's true, lad.

And you inherited everything you own.

Where have you been lad? You're late.

My petrolheads club ran over. Chill.

Right, let's just crack on.

This year's target is Gordon Hyland.

THEY MURMUR IN AGREEMENT

The Country Fleet Express bus driver

who single-handedly ruined my football career.

Arsehole. Yeah, right. And how did he do that?

I had a trial at Stockport County.

My phone died, so I couldn't show him my ticket

and he didn't let me on.

If you're good enough, you'll get a trial somewhere else.

Nah, lad. I'm not the same player, lad.

My confidence is shot.

Of course it is. I told you not to question him.

Now, boys, this is the plan, and if we pull this off,

they will be renaming Mizzy Night after us.

Yeah. Yeah!

Oh, and guess what? My dad's coming as well.

He said he's gonna teach us some old-school mischief.

THEY EXCLAIM

Oh, my God... ALL TALK AT ONCE

We're gonna cause carnage!

It'll be sound, you know. PHONE BUZZES

I'll send the draft design over. Oh, sorry, one sec.

What the fuck?

PHONE BUZZES

Hello? 'Hi, James.'

'I'm calling about your recent test results.

'We recommend you come into our clinic immediately.'

Now, we will be following NHS protocol

and informing your previous sexual partners,

who will come into our clinic

and, as revenge, get to critique your lovemaking capabilities

in front of an audience.

MIA LAUGHS

Nah, you're not funny. I shit myself.

Oh, you should get tested for IBS as well, then, shouldn't you?

THEY LAUGH

# Like the wallpaper sticks To the wall

# Like the seashore clings To the sea

# Like you'll never get rid Of your shadow

# Frank, you'll never get rid Of me... #

Porche 911?

Easy one, fella overcompensating for his tiny cock.

HE TUTS Fuck's sake.

That car's my phone background.

I know, I saw it.

Point proven. THEY CHUCKLE

Nissan Skyline?

Pathetic wannabe bad boy, got his mummy as the main driver

cos the insurance is too expensive.

Hey! My ex had that car... I...

..and you're absolutely spot-on about him.

Ooh, same as me, Volkswagen Scirocco.

17-year-old girl, runs a sad Petrolheads Club

with only two members

and chauffeurs around an absolute stud muffin.

THEY LAUGH

"No point using that tiny little pecker on me.

"Lick my foo-foo instead."

Hmm...

Adam Costello? Yeah.

THEY LAUGH A tenner for that sext.

I mean, you've got to admire him,

small cock, but he is controlling the narrative. Mm-hm!

"I wanna feel your tongue all over my pretty little feet."

Oh, easy one. That's Charlie Kelly. He loves a foot, that lad.

Right, "I want your BBC deep inside me."

Well, that narrows it down - Leon Wood?

No, surprisingly, Ava Walsh.

Oh!

Whatever floats her boat, I suppose.

How much did you make, then?

COINS CLINK 6.50.

See, things are looking up.

That'll get you three Pot Noodles

for Wayne-o's breakfast, dinner and tea.

THEY CHUCKLE

Here you are, you can have what I've earnt. No.

I was doing it for you anyway. Just take it.

Thank you.

You know what you're gonna have to do next, though...

No. THEY LAUGH

MO: Oh, here he is. There we are.

Decided to join us, have you?

The shop won't sell us eggs cos of Mischief Night.

That's why I gave you the job of getting them early.

Divvy. I know.

You're a let-down, lad.

Are youse after some gear, then, fellas, yeah?

Lad, I've told you, you couldn't sell cum to your ma,

who's a massive slag. Pipe down. Is she?

Your white and brown eggs are your bog-standard cheapest gear.

Then you've got your free-run eggs,

which are a bit lighter, so they have a longer throw reach.

But the strongest stuff I've got is your free-range.

They've got a superb splash, so more damage potential.

They could cover the fucking Taj Mahal, lad.

Might be a bit expensive for you boys, though.

SOFTLY: Butters. Butters?

No, this is scatty. Then you've got your organic eggs,

which are good if you wanna bake a pavlova.

They'll help you bang out a fucking belter pavlova.

And yours was nowhere near fluffy enough!

ALL WHISPER AT ONCE

We'll take all your free-range.

Ha-ha, you lads must mean business.

Lad, how many times? BOYS GASP

MO: Are these shagging? What the fuck?

WAYNE: You all right, love?

What happened?

I got halfway through Stuck On You

and I ended up stuck on the bloody floor.

My legs went again.

Did you carry on singing from the floor?

Ha-ha, good one.

Oh, Aimee, the state of this bloody kitchen, love.

Sorry, I was gonna clean after my homework.

Don't worry, I'll sort it.

LAPTOP PINGS

Oh, I was worried you were gonna be a 60-year-old perv with a ponytail.

'No, just a standard 20-year-old perv with a buzzcut.'

SHE CHUCKLES 'You're unreal.

'You should put more pics up. Show yourself off.

'You'll definitely hit that 60-year-old perv

'with a ponytail market then.' SHE LAUGHS

Cheers for the advice, Hazza. How much do I owe you?

'I'm just saying, I'd have paid double for this

'if you wore something more... revealing.

'Unless you've got a third nipple or something. Then I'd pay triple.

'You should change your name to @TripleNippleAimee.'

@TripleNippleAndMyDadsACripple. 'What?'

Nothing. 'So, are we all right to start?'

PHONE BUZZES

Hello. 'Hello, I'm John Rimmer,

'the ICU Ward Manager at Broadgreen Hospital.

'I'm with James Baker. I understand you know him.'

Erm, yeah.

'Well, I'm afraid he's been viciously attacked.

'He's clinging on for dear life, but he wants to say something.'

HIGH-PITCHED: 'I'm in so much pain.

'Mainly in my back from carrying you on Payday.

CHUCKLES

AS JOHN: 'Oh, no, h-he's going, he's going.

'Wait, h-he's desperate to say one more thing.'

HIGH-PITCHED: Should we meet?

We should.

AS JOHN: OK, now he's gone, I'm sorry.

Wait, do you know if he's left me his Steam login in his will?

THEY LAUGH

DOOR OPENS Are you hungry?

Shall we order something?

Er, yeah. Sound, whatever you want. OK.

Hello?

DOOR CLOSES Er, yeah.

So, when do you wanna meet?

Next week.

GIGGLES Go on, then.

'Hiya, love. Hey, look what I've woken up to.

'I summoned the MS helper elves, and it worked.

'They've been in the night.' AIMEE CHUCKLES

I sold some clothes on Vinted,

paid for a home help to come twice a week.

'Nice one, love, but I told you, you didn't have to do that.

'Thanks. Go on. Go and have a good day at school.

'Love you.' Love you too. Bye.

This is the girl I was just telling you about. Hi.

Hiya. This is Aimee.

This is Lindsay from RARE.

Now, I know I'm biased, but she really is a talent.

Great energy, passion.

Always makes choices that surprise me.

But enough about our sex life, sir. Hm?

I don't really think that this is appropriate here.

I love it.

You need a good sense of humour in the acting business, mm?

THEY LAUGH

She's a comedian.

Shall we? Yeah.

She's gonna be the next Jodie Comer. PHONE CHIMES

BOY: See you later, lad.

So, I'm having a little party in ours tonight.

Bring your friends after your Mischief Night.

But make sure you're not all mischiefed out.

Leave some for me and you, eh?

# Memories are made of this... #

If you do wish to apply,

it's important that you're aware of our values.

Respect, treat others how you'd wanna be treated.

PHONE CHIMES Humour. Integrity.

Act in a responsible manner. Er, quiet, please.

Thank you. BOY: She's gone all out.

Quiet, please. LAUGHTER

What's going on?

Put a sock in it, youse. What's going on?

Nothing, sir, you don't wanna see this. What is it?

Sir, it's not for public consumption. It's shocking.

HUSHED: Just show it to me.

BOY: The dick ratings are one to nine, then top cock.

Er, Aims. She's posted this.

BOY: Reasonable prices, to be fair. You little rat.

I'd rather be a rat than someone who undermines feminism.

What, dick ratings for £20, really?

I'll give you your rating for free - ten out of ten massive dick.

I thought that feminism was all about being in control of your body

and doing what YOU want with it.

Not if it encourages men to objectify women.

Well, men are always gonna objectify women,

we might as well make some money out of it.

Do you not care about reinforcing misogyny?

Er, you're reinforcing it, girl.

Imagine being stuck in a room with you.

You'd defo leave a misogynist. CLASS: Ooh!

LAUGHTER

Thank you so much for coming in.

Can we all give Lindsay a big round of applause to say thank you.

SCATTERED APPLAUSE Let's hope she signs an NDA form.

# Do yourself a favour

# Do yourself a favour... #

Are you OK? Well, obviously not.

You're my girlfriend.

My girlfriend who's not in the kitchen right now

preparing my meal then completing her cleaning schedule.

What are you even doing here getting an education, hm?

THEY LAUGH Come here.

So, you're OK about it?

If you are, then I am.

Besides, if I had your body, I'd do the same.

I tried it with mine, me, helicoptering my...

HE GROANS Eurgh.

Zero subscribers.

THEY CHUCKLE Not surprised.

Aimee, listen, it's not for me to judge what you do, but remember,

if you put something online, it's there forever.

Hey, it's gonna be OK.

This is our moment, boys.

This is what we've been waiting 365 days for.

MO: 'Yes, lad.' Tonight, we dine in mischief, baby.

TED: 'You know that, lad. CHRISTOPHER: 'Oh, I can't wait.'

I'm telling you. I'm telling you! Lying muppet!

Argh, what the...? TED: Where are you going, lad?

Hello, Gordon.

Oh, no, no! CONNOR: Run, lad. Run, now!

Get him, boys! Run, Gordon. Run, run, run, run!

He's a little fanny.

No, no, please, no. Eeny, meeny, miny...

Mo! Argh!

# And when the band played Hail To The Chief... #

BREATHES HEAVILY

# Ooh, they point the cannon At you, Lord

# It ain't me, it ain't me... # PANTS

EGG SPLATS

Oh, no, no. Please, no.

Oh, God, no. Please, no more!

GROANS

Argh!

EXCLAIMS

BREATHES HEAVILY

Do you remember me, lad? No.

I'm the lad who you didn't let on the bus who missed his footy trial.

His one shot.

Lad, you don't have to do this. I've got a family.

This is for robbing me of winning the World Cup.

You wouldn't have made it, lad. You're too small.

What about Messi, lad? No, no, no.

REECE GRUNTS, LAUGHTER

MO: Ostrich egg, lad. Genius!

THEY CHATTER EXCITEDLY

Boys, boys. I am so sorry I mocked Mischief Night.

That was amazing. I'm in charge next year.

Mischief General. You're a nerve, lad.

Yeah, oh, yeah. Shit.

MO CLEARS THROAT

Lad, whose party is it? Er, don't know.

Just lads from our school were talking about it on Snap, so...

Oh, yeah?

REECE: Is it a party or a funeral? What's happening?

Go 'ead.

TED SCOFFS

SNICKERING

Sideshow Bob, lad. SNICKERING

MUSIC: 'Packs And Potions' by HAZEY

Watch your step there, fella.

Do you know how embarrassing that was, eh?

Sitting opposite Mr Meacher and him telling me

my own daughter's been doing that.

I just wanted to help. And you've told me everything?

You haven't been doing any of the other stuff have you?

Girlfriend experiences or selling your knickers?

How do you know they do that? I don't.

Oh, my God. Who do you subscribe to?

Nobody, and don't be changing the subject, you.

It's not MS porn is it?

MS porn? What the hell would MS porn be?

Getting knackered after ten seconds?

SHE SNORTS

THEY CHUCKLE

Stop laughing. It's not funny.

It is a bit funny. Come here.

Thanks for trying, love.

We're gonna be OK, you know.

This is not just porn...

this... is MS porn.

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC PLAYS IN OTHER ROOM

HE SIGHS

I'm gutted.

SHE CHUCKLES

I still love it, though.

Getting bevvied.

Are you all right, lads? Er, yeah, yeah.

The lads in there said we could get some more beers.

They come over here stealing our beers.

BOYS LAUGH

State of him, lad. Come 'ead. Can we?

Yeah, go ahead. Sound.

I just thought it was too unique so you wouldn't have it.

The more unique, the more I love it.

Oh, lad, come on. That's my hat. Fat little cockbite.

Just give it him back. You little nit, lad.

What do you mean "cockbite", lad? What the fuck are youse doing?

I've been thinking recently, maybe I should start looking

for something more unique in my dating life, too.

Instead of the usual knobs.

Couldn't agree more.

JEERING REECE: Just give him his hat!

Here you are, I'll help you get that brown shit off your face, lad.

MO: Stop it, please. Lad!

If only your da squirted in your ma's face like that,

there'd be one less dickhead.

Ah! Oh! Reece!

# How lucky can one guy be? #

Stop it! REECE GRUNTS

Fucking watch, lad.

MUFFLED: Stop. Shut up.

MO SHOUTS Shut the... Shut up!

Serves him right, the cheeky prick. REECE GASPS

Reece! Go on, fuck off, lad.

Oh, my God. Reece, Reece?

Are you OK? Get him up, get him up.

Move! Come on, let's go.

Get the fuck out the way!

What happened? Lad, where were you?

Is that why you brought us here? For a bird?

Are you all right? Nah, fuck off.

Your mates are they, yeah? No, I don't know them.

Come on. Yeah, I'll come with youse.

Nah, you stay here.

Go hide back upstairs, you little rat.

Does his t-shirt say "bums with gays"?

Lad, you know when he was making me watch...

..is it weird I got a hard-on?

THEY LAUGH, REECE GROANS

# Like the fella once said Ain't that a kick in the head?

# Oh, ain't that a kick

# Tell me quick Ain't that a kick in the head? #

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