Original subtitles

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

# Smile

# Though your heart is aching

# Smile even though... #

'Mourning is love desperate to find you.

'Mourning is love without a home.'

# There are clouds... #

'Mourning is love showing you our unbreakable bond.'

# You'll get by... #

Mourning is love...

BREATH TREMBLES

..clinging to the hope one day we will see each other again.

SHE SOBS

WEEPING: He died too young, lad.

It's all right. It's all right.

I've decided on an open casket

so that we can all celebrate his life together one last time.

# Just smile... #

SCREAMING: Why, Divock?!

You were taken too soon, lad!

Rest easy, little fella.

HE SOBS

When I needed a hand, I found your paw.

# If you wanna run away with me I know a galaxy

# And I can take you for a ride

# Glitter in the sky Glitter in my eyes

# Shining just the way I like

# If you're feeling like... #

Oh, my God, is she pregnant? With him?

GASPING Is it the posh lad's?

I didn't know he had it in him.

KISS It's his. Dirty bastard.

No way. GASPING

Wey! Ohh! LAUGHTER

Fuck off!

Well done for not being preggers, though, you two.

You've been together, like, four weeks.

That's a record for round here, that.

Aimee, stop embarrassing yourself. This is painful to watch.

What are you on about, you gimp?

You getting with this posh muppet just to get close to me.

Look, I know it's a difficult time

with the anniversary of our kiss approaching but you've just gotta...

You're obsessed with this kiss, Reece.

I'm the best kiss you've ever had, aren't I? Oh, it's OK to admit it.

Nah, cos you're a bad kisser. Mm, I felt you get hard when we kissed.

I was thinking of Mo Salah.

He's not even signed a new contract, though!

LAUGHTER Did he just say that?

I've got a kid at 16 now, boys,

with a slight air of uncertainty if it's mine or not.

Told you I'm turning into a fully-fledged Scouser!

Lad, you will never be a Scouser.

You own a pair of wellies.

LAUGHTER Wellie boy!

My nan got them me for Christmas. Your what? Your nan?

Lads, tomorrow night, don't forget, my dad's picking up us at six -

footy and then karaoke.

Yeah! Ah!

You know, 16 years of being absent could all be forgotten

if he nails a rendition of Hey Jude.

LAUGHTER Shut up.

He's trying.

Sorry, I just find it insensitive, you talking about your alive dad,

when you know mine's dead. Ah, selfish.

He's right, mate.

You know, I feel like you've been very insensitive lately.

You're not even thinking about your poor ma,

who's probably going through a whirlwind of emotions right now.

She is. Cos I am. What?

I reckon this year is the year

I should finally bury my face in her arse.

THEY GROAN No, listen!

If I had the choice of eating chicken dippers out of her arse,

and while I'm in there, I get hit by a bus like Divock did...

Nah, that... ..I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'd take it.

What a last meal! What a way to go.

Too soon, lad.

What?! You're a little ming, you know.

What d'you mean?

So, boys, how's the Buddy-Up scheme going?

I'm a changed man, sir. A stroke of genius from you

to pair me with this inspirational guiding light.

Can I ask, though, sir?

You didn't put us together cos we're both gay, did you?

Are you?

I just thought you both had views

that were perhaps more on the, er, liberal side.

So, when you paired that Nigerian lad who looks about 40

with the Senegalese lad who looks about 50,

that was random, was it?

Yeah, completely random.

They are thriving. Can't argue with results!

LAUGHTER

What about these two?

I think you'll find her hair colour is orchid purple,

and hers is heliotrope purple.

And they're both hardcore vegans.

Well, it's not for me to cast aspersions

on the dietary requirements of other people.

Why are them two together?

Generational talent...

Actually, they're both short.

Hard to tell when you're sitting.

Sir, I don't care if you put us together cos we're both gay.

I've learnt so much from him already.

I'm lucky that,

in a world where gay men still face the threat of persecution,

I have a mentor like Ted Price,

who makes me feel safe, secure and free to be who I am.

CHUCKLES SOFTLY That's lovely, that is.

And just to clarify 100%...

I had no idea you were both gay.

Mm. Oh. Close the door on the way out.

DOOR BANGS OPEN

I despise your face with a passion.

La, don't talk to me for the next five weeks

until this bloody scheme is over.

Are you sure you'll make five more weeks, Grandad?

I'm a year older than you, so watch your mouth, Mr One Pube.

Why? What are you gonna do?

Bore me to death with tales of how life was bad for us in the '50s

cos we got thrown in jail for bumming?

You know, it's hard to take you seriously,

considering your voice hasn't even broke yet!

You all right, Jodie? Is Reece in?

He's just nipped down the shop for me.

Oh, OK.

Do you not wanna come inside and wait for him?

Er, yeah. Yeah, all right.

Is that a new cap?

Er, yeah, it is.

Suits ya.

Thanks.

Do you want some tea? I'm doing me something. Yeah, go ahead. Sound.

I was thinking, er, wedges and...

..chicken dippers?

CHOKED VOICE: Yep. Yep.

How do you like your dippers, Con? I don't mind.

Do you want them in the oven, on the grill?

Whatever.

Coming out my arse, then?

HE CHOKES

SPLUTTERING GASPING: What? No.

Reece tells me everything, you blurt.

HE COUGHS

It's all right, don't worry about it. I know what lads are like.

It's just banter anyway, innit?

Come to think of it, I've had a bit of a rough day, so...

..I'd be up for a bit of fun...

..if you are.

What do you mean you can't play? It's starting in a minute.

'Don't worry. I put a shout out on Discord to get you a new partner.'

Oh, is it someone we know?

Is it Hellfire? He's better than you, to be honest.

'No, some random called YeNansButtPlug.

'Oh, he's joining the chat now. OK, bye!'

COMPUTER CHIMES Is this YeNansButtPlug?

Hello?

SINGING: 'I can be your hero, baby.'

IN SAME TUNE: What an absolute bellend, baby.

Grow up. PLAYER'S GUN COCKS

VIDEO GAME: 'Round one.'

Oh, lad! What have I told you about leaving your weps on top of mine?

It marks them!

JODIE GIGGLES FROM UPSTAIRS

HE SNIFFS, LAUGHTER

CON: Just tie it, please!

What the fuck?

Birds Eye? LAUGHTER

No...

It can't be... No.

JODIE LAUGHS

Are you sure you'll be able to get it back out?

Mum!

Con!

THEY LAUGH

That's what you get for grassing him up!

That was a warning. Next time, I'm in there for real.

VIDEO GAME: 'Winner.' Get in!

SHE LAUGHS

Hey, I'm sorry I had a go at you about your name.

Bit of a sore subject, you see,

cos my nan actually showed me her butt plug collection once

when I went round... Traumatising.

Especially as each one came with a practical demonstration.

'Hang on, do we have the same nan? Are we related?'

SHE GIGGLES

Oh, I thought the interview would be in person, but Zoom's fine.

I'm really looking forward to it. See you then.

Oo-er, what you looking forward to, girl?

You got a fella on the go?

Er, yeah. Ooh! Ooh!

Yeah, I've got a little date. Been on the old Tinder and that.

MOCKING: Mustard, boy!

Oh, stop adding "boy" to the end of everything

because you think it makes it an insult!

You can do it to anything and it sounds insulting.

"Oh, building an orphanage to save the children, boy!" See?

All right, lad. I was only messing.

Geek theory about boy, boy!

LAUGHTER

Some top-tier scran we've had today.

Scranny McPhee.

Scrange Postecoglou. Scran Boleyn.

LAUGHTER

Battenberg, boy! LAUGHTER

It's all about bread crumbing now, girl.

Keeping the lads interested

by feeding them little breadcrumbs now and again.

Like a like on Insta, a random flirty text,

a blow job...

Last one was a joke.

SING-SONG: Reece Duffy, Duffy.

He loves a Batten-bee.

TOGETHER: He gets it down in three.

Reece Duffy, Duffy!

Putting more in the bin than you are in your mouth again?

Lad, if there's anything you wanna talk about, you can.

Suppose there is one thing.

How do I get this knob with the hero complex off my back

just cos I didn't finish my lunch?

You need to learn all the lingo too, like "GGG".

Good, giving and game. Which means he's sex positive.

Which means he wants to respectfully and woke-fully

shag you senseless. Yep.

SHE PUFFS That is really educational.

Thanks for that, girls.

TOGETHER: You're welcome.

CROWD: Ohh... Believe in ya...

CHEERING

Help me, oh, mighty gay one (!)

FAKE SOBBING: I lost my mummy and my daddy.

I'm a tragic little orphan that needs saving.

First case of a justified orphan.

Ah... Oh, here we go.

What is this dark, scary place? What?

Am I in a... What are you doing?

..foster home? FAKE GASPS

Oh, no, please save me, Teddy Price!

I'll save you!

And then I'll wring your neck, you little maggot!

Now, then, trouble. What are youse talking about?

Oh, nothing. Just having a little chat with the girls

about the crusty tissues I found under your bed yesterday.

Mum, you'd best be joking. Of course I'm joking.

But if you don't put them in the bin like I told you,

I'm gonna tell the whole school.

Where are you going?

Oh, I'm, er, just off to have my meeting with the Tate Liverpool.

We're gonna put together

an exhibition of your crusty tissues.

Put your face next to it.

"Intimate Moments" by Reece Duffy. THEY LAUGH

Ta-ra.

Hey, Mum. What?

Here you are, here's one I made earlier. Disgusting.

I have a very important announcement.

For anyone out there who's suffering,

for anyone out there who needs hope in their darkest hour,

there's a very special man that will save you.

Is it Jesus?

Ted Price.

The hero we didn't know we needed, because we literally don't need him.

LAUGHTER

The man that's gonna make all our lives joyful.

Unlucky, Ted, lad.

So, please, let's hear it for the one and only,

our saviour Ted Price.

When I say Ted, you say Price.

Ted! ALL: Price!

Price! Price! Price! ALL: Price! Price! Price!

HEART BEATS, HEAVY BREATHING

CHANTING: Your defence is terrified, Alan's on fire.

Your defence is terrified, Alan's on fire.

Your defence is terrified... What a whopping win, lads.

Oh, we should join a six-a-side league.

We will piss it with Alan on our side.

Drinks are on me, lads. Let's celebrate this victory, yeah?

ALL CHEER Your dad is sick.

Oh, aye?

If I had the choice of five minutes alone with my dead dad or your dad,

I'd choose your dad. LAUGHTER

He has one of the sweetest left foots I've ever seen.

Goated. Mwah.

You know why I was so good out there today, lads?

Cos I don't feel the weight of the bib.

I play without fear.

Cos there goes the fear. Let it go.

You turn around, and life's passed you by.

Don't waste chances being afraid, yeah?

Cos I'm telling you, boys, everything you've ever wanted...

..is on the other side of fear.

I'm scared of karaoke, but you know what? I'm gonna do it.

CHEERING

Go 'ead, lad. Come on.

No, there's been a mistake. This isn't the song I picked.

You got this. Come on.

Come on, lad.

# So don't ask me... #

MICROPHONE SCREECHES Oh, God.

Go on. # What you know is true... #

Give me that mic, lad.

# Don't have to tell you... # CHEERING

# I love your precious heart

# I I

# I was standing there

# You were there... # Go on, lad.

He has a beautiful voice.

# Two worlds collided

# And they could never Tear us apart... #

CHEERING Guitar.

Take it away, son.

# We could live... #

CHEERING G'wed, lad.

# For a thousand years

# If I hurt you

# I'd make wine from your tears

# I told you

# That we could fly... #

Hello. How's my favourite underpaid glass collector?

Viv, if you're gonna ask if I can work tonight, I can't.

I'm back in school.

I'm not asking you to work. But I do have a special request.

You said that'd be a one-time thing and I'd never have to do it again.

I wouldn't be asking you to do that again.

I've had better head from a blow-up doll.

Our usual compere's got another gig,

so we need someone for the drag night Thursday. What do you reckon?

You want me to do it? No, knobhead, do you know anyone?

I'm messing. Of course I'm asking you.

Listen, I think you've got something.

When you speak, people listen. You grab their attention,

so it's time to stop living in the shadows

and step into the lights of my stage.

Now, don't you dare be funnier than me.

Viv, are you sure? Of course I'm sure.

Oh, come on, lad, what's the worst that can happen?

You bomb so hard, you become a shell of a man

so traumatised you never leave the house.

Cos I tell you what, if you do bomb, I'm never speaking to you again.

# Could never

# Ever tear us apart... #

CHEERING Go on, then.

My favourite bit now, son.

What is it? Saxophone.

CHEERING

Lad, this is all because of you, you know.

Nice one. I'm gonna make up for some lost time.

Shame, he's just told me he's doing one of his own songs next

called "I Hate My Son."

As if, lad. THEY CHUCKLE

Everybody, come on!

# I

# I was standing... #

Come on, everybody.

# You were there

# Two worlds colliding

# And they will never Tear us apart... #

It's you and me now, kid. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This fucking skirt's killing me.

LAPTOP CHIMES Shit.

'Hello. Hello?

'Hi, Jodie.' Hi.

'It's Robert here

'from Central Liverpool Housing Association.

'I believe you came to us via the Job Centre?'

Yeah, I was looking for some part-time ways

to be starting my career.

I've got a law degree, I got it in 2007.

Er, I got pregnant afterwards,

so I haven't really had a chance to do anything with it.

'We were all young and foolish once, my love.'

Just give us the ciggies, will you? I gave you 20 quid.

Lad, forget the ciggies.

You should be putting food in your mouth, you scrawny little rat.

THEY LAUGH

This morning, honestly, I had a shit that was bigger than you.

Hey, you know in Africa and that

they have adverts on the telly asking them to send food to you.

THEY LAUGH

Pass the ciggies, before youse both get booted to Africa.

Rat. Lad, come on.

Are you groom bumming this little lad, then, Ted, lad, yeah?

Kieron, you can't even spell the word "groom". Be gone.

Come on.

I told you to leave it to me, lad. How do you spell groom?

What are you doing?

I didn't say I was getting them for you, did I?

HE CHUCKLES

# I know that I'm your homie I ain't just gonna let that go. #

'I agree, with your underprivileged background

'and your experience of the many issues

'our clients suffer from,

'I really think our clients are gonna connect with you.'

Yeah, I mean, I've had them all.

Substance abuse issues, homelessness, unemployment,

domestic violence,

and the big crowd pleaser, mental health crises.

'You know, I feel for women in your situation.

'It isn't easy balancing career with issues.

'Then you stupidly get pregnant, which only compounds your problems,

'and you end up deeply regretting having the child,

'as you've basically screwed up your whole career.'

Will you wind your neck in, you patronising gobshite?

I don't regret anything about my life.

In fact, I really like it, and having that boy

was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

Oh, and while I'm at it,

I live amongst these people with their so-called issues

and let me tell you something for nothing,

with all their problems, not a one of them

is as big of a delusional dickhead as you are.

Hey, Mum. What are you doing?

Oh, look, son. We've got big money problems.

Someone's got to do some cam work and it's not gonna be you, is it?

As if. I'd make more than you.

As if. Midget porn. It's a big market.

ROBERT CLEARS THROAT

Fuck off.

SHE LAUGHS Who uses WhatsApp anyway, Grandad?

'I'm only using WhatsApp cos Bebo's down.'

SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, my God, you picked you on your moped.

Is that cos you hope girls will look at it and think,

"Oh, my God. Will you take me for a ride?"

SHE LAUGHS 'Have you finished?'

So, three wins together. Have I passed the trial?

Trial to be the most annoying bellend

who happens to be great at Payday?

Yeah, with flying colours. Get in.

# Do yourself a favour

# Do, do, do, do, do... #

HE SIGHS Little shit.

HE GULPS

FOOTSTEPS

How are we, kid?

You do realise

we don't have to hang around toilets for sex any more?

We're accepted now. Not having lunch today?

I'm allergic to fish. I had a Maccies before.

What did you have? The Big Tasty Burger.

That's seasonal, mate. They don't have it now.

It's back, lad. Albie, I know what you're doing.

Making up allergies, saying you feel sick,

smoking so you don't feel hungry.

Smoking was cool in the '50s. I don't blame you.

Lad, I've been where you are.

In this cubicle? Is this where you hid from the Nazis in 1943?

Lad, they wouldn't execute you for being gay.

They'd execute you for being so annoying.

I know about that prison in your head.

I know how that prison's full of anxiety.

Anxiety when you catch a look at yourself in the mirror.

Anxiety when you allow yourself that one bite.

The constant thoughts and obsessions about food, calories, weight, BMI.

"You should exercise more.

"Knew you shouldn't have had that bite."

The thoughts are so exhausting, that you think you just want peace

and you think that not waking up in the morning wouldn't be so bad.

# I'm coming out

# I want the world to know. # Fuck's sake.

Did you listen to anything I've just said?

Why did you stop boxing? How do you know about that?

My cousin goes to the same club as you.

He says you're good,

but a few months ago, you stopped going. Why?

I didn't fancy it any more.

Sure, mate, yeah. Here's what I think.

You go around acting like you're the perfect gay

who's got it all figured out.

Yet you don't think you're worthy enough to box with straight lads?

Seems like the almighty gay one's a big hypocrite.

Shut up, you little prick. I'm here trying to help you.

If I ever wanna learn about how to be a weak coward

who's one big fraud, I'll come to you.

But until then, fuck off, and leave me alone.

Fuck!

PHONE BUZZES

'Hi, Jodie.' Robbie.

'Robert here from Central Liverpool Housing Association.

'We'd like to offer you the job.' You're messing!

I called you a delusional dickhead.

'Upon reflection, I realised you had an empathy

'and open-minded attitude towards our clients,

'which I think will be a huge asset to our office.'

Thank you. I'll take it.

'Great.'

Although can we not mention it to the Job Centre?

I still wanna keep my benefits, like.

'I'm afraid that's illegal, and I...'

HE STUTTERS

'You're joking, aren't you?' THEY CHUCKLE

'Very good. Congratulations.

'Looking forward to working with you.'

Nice one, Robbie.

You fucking dancer!

Who were you on the phone to?

Oh, it's, er, little-people-porn-cams-dot-com.

Yeah.

Five foot one maximum? No problem.

Bigger than two inches?

Definitely not. HE SCOFFS

Welcome to Boss Little Queers These Ya Know.

Don't worry, lads, if I can transform this face,

there's hope for youse, too.

We've got a new compere for you this evening.

It's his first night, so please be nice.

Oh, shit.

And, yes, I'm looking at you lot. THEY LAUGH

No bouncing bottles off his head.

Oh, what's he doing? The old prick.

Give it up for the gorgeous Ted Price.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Who's ready for a night of eleganza extravaganza?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALBIE BREATHES HEAVILY

I love drag queens, me.

Why do drag queens always have money?

Why? Cos she knows how to tuck it away.

Ooh.

This pubeless one is dying on his arse.

Shut up, Derek. If I wanted to hear an arsehole speak, I'd fart, mate.

LAUGHTER

Just fucking pick up.

My curly-haired homophobic friend in the audience tonight.

Stand up, Con. Come on, give him a little clap.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This boy asks me hundreds of thousands of questions a day.

Each one more homophobic than the last.

It was literally someone,

"Ay, lad, if you're gay, how come you never come on to me?"

Normally, I've just gone with,

"Oh, gay lads have a type," or "We don't fancy every man alive."

But in his case, it's because he is one right ugly fucker.

LAUGHTER

And Reece is in the audience. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

This boy has just been reunited with his dad

face-to-face after 16 years.

CROWD: Aww. They're not estranged.

They just finally found a ladder that was big enough.

LAUGHTER

HEAVY BREATHING

MUFFLED: Thank you so much, everyone. Thanks for having me.

You've been great. You've been a gorgeous audience.

I've been Ted, and you've been lovely. Thanks, lads.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Love you so much.

Everyone here, I just want to say thank you so much for being so kind.

# I'm in the corner Watching you kiss her

# Whoa, oh, oh

# Ooh, ooh

# I'll keep dancing on my own. #

CHEERING Come on, Ted.

TINNY MUSIC

# Into your soul Into your soul... #

MUSIC: 'Smalltown Boy' by Bronski Beat

EXHALES

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, you're gonna be seeing a lot more of this lad.

Give it up for the gorgeous Ted Price.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Don't take me home

# Please don't take me home

# Just don't wanna go to school

# Wanna stay up all night Watching Ted Price

# Please don't Please don't take me home... #

Hello.

# Don't take me home... #

No.

# Just don't wanna go to school

# Wanna stay up all night Watching Ted Price... #

Albie.

I'm so sorry I let you down.

ALBIE INHALES, TED GASPS

Is this Heaven? Lad, you're in hospital.

Oh, mighty gay one Ted Price at gay Heaven's doors.

TED CHUCKLES Please let me in.

What's the doctor said? I'll be OK.

So that stuff I bought on the dark web wasn't any good.

I wonder what the refunds policy is?

TED CHUCKLES

I've got a confession.

This is gonna sound really crazy and out the blue,

but I think I've got anorexia.

I am blown away, lad. Really?

TED CHUCKLES

I was 11 when it clicked I was gay,

and my first thought was, "Oh, shit,"

cos that's how society's made us feel.

Then you put this negativity on yourself,

and it messes up your self-esteem.

Anorexia makes you believe

that if you keep doing what it wants, you'll be OK.

But it's a liar.

Very good liar, to be fair.

Facing your inner demons is scary, but...

..everything you want, it's on the other side of that fear.

I got better.

You will too. Another confession.

I really appreciate you looking out for me.

It's been my pleasure.

Oof. Big hairy daddy hand, this. Excuse me?

These daddy hands are here to look after you.

Come on, let me fix your pillow.

CHOKING What are you doing?

ALBIE GASPS Nurse, help.

This old fella's saying he's my daddy.

Making me do things I don't wanna do.

He's very, very sick. Get out.

MUSIC: 'Smalltown Boy' by Bronski Beat

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com