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CHURCH BELL TOLLS
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# Smile
3
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,960
# Though your heart is aching
4
00:00:10,960 --> 00:00:12,960
# Smile even though... #
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00:00:12,960 --> 00:00:15,960
'Mourning is love
desperate to find you.
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'Mourning is love without a home.'
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# There are clouds... #
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'Mourning is love
showing you our unbreakable bond.'
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# You'll get by... #
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Mourning is love...
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BREATH TREMBLES
12
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..clinging to the hope one day
we will see each other again.
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SHE SOBS
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WEEPING: He died too young, lad.
15
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It's all right. It's all right.
16
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I've decided on an open casket
17
00:00:39,960 --> 00:00:42,960
so that we can all celebrate
his life together one last time.
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# Just smile... #
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SCREAMING: Why, Divock?!
20
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You were taken too soon, lad!
21
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Rest easy, little fella.
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HE SOBS
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When I needed a hand,
I found your paw.
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# If you wanna run away with me
I know a galaxy
25
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# And I can take you for a ride
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# Glitter in the sky
Glitter in my eyes
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# Shining just the way I like
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# If you're feeling like... #
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Oh, my God, is she pregnant?
With him?
30
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GASPING
Is it the posh lad's?
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I didn't know he had it in him.
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KISS
It's his. Dirty bastard.
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No way.
GASPING
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Wey! Ohh!
LAUGHTER
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Fuck off!
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Well done for not being preggers,
though, you two.
37
00:01:39,960 --> 00:01:41,960
You've been together,
like, four weeks.
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That's a record for round here,
that.
39
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Aimee, stop embarrassing yourself.
This is painful to watch.
40
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What are you on about, you gimp?
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You getting with this posh muppet
just to get close to me.
42
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Look, I know it's a difficult time
43
00:01:53,640 --> 00:01:56,000
with the anniversary of our kiss
approaching but you've just gotta...
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You're obsessed with this kiss,
Reece.
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I'm the best kiss you've ever had,
aren't I? Oh, it's OK to admit it.
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Nah, cos you're a bad kisser. Mm,
I felt you get hard when we kissed.
47
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I was thinking of Mo Salah.
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He's not even signed
a new contract, though!
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LAUGHTER
Did he just say that?
50
00:02:08,960 --> 00:02:10,960
I've got a kid at 16 now, boys,
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00:02:10,960 --> 00:02:12,960
with a slight air of uncertainty
if it's mine or not.
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Told you I'm turning
into a fully-fledged Scouser!
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Lad, you will never be a Scouser.
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You own a pair of wellies.
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LAUGHTER
Wellie boy!
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My nan got them me for Christmas.
Your what? Your nan?
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Lads, tomorrow night, don't forget,
my dad's picking up us at six -
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footy and then karaoke.
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Yeah!
Ah!
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You know, 16 years of being absent
could all be forgotten
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if he nails a rendition of Hey Jude.
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LAUGHTER
Shut up.
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He's trying.
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Sorry, I just find it insensitive,
you talking about your alive dad,
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when you know mine's dead.
Ah, selfish.
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He's right, mate.
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00:02:42,960 --> 00:02:44,960
You know, I feel like you've been
very insensitive lately.
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You're not even thinking
about your poor ma,
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who's probably going through
a whirlwind of emotions right now.
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She is. Cos I am.
What?
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I reckon this year is the year
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I should finally
bury my face in her arse.
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THEY GROAN
No, listen!
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If I had the choice of eating
chicken dippers out of her arse,
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and while I'm in there, I get
hit by a bus like Divock did...
76
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Nah, that...
..I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'd take it.
77
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What a last meal! What a way to go.
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Too soon, lad.
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What?!
You're a little ming, you know.
80
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What d'you mean?
81
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So, boys,
how's the Buddy-Up scheme going?
82
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I'm a changed man, sir.
A stroke of genius from you
83
00:03:19,960 --> 00:03:22,960
to pair me with
this inspirational guiding light.
84
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Can I ask, though, sir?
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You didn't put us together
cos we're both gay, did you?
86
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Are you?
87
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I just thought you both had views
88
00:03:30,960 --> 00:03:32,960
that were perhaps
more on the, er, liberal side.
89
00:03:32,960 --> 00:03:35,960
So, when you paired that
Nigerian lad who looks about 40
90
00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,960
with the Senegalese lad
who looks about 50,
91
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that was random, was it?
92
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Yeah, completely random.
93
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They are thriving.
Can't argue with results!
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LAUGHTER
95
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What about these two?
96
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I think you'll find her hair colour
is orchid purple,
97
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and hers is heliotrope purple.
98
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And they're both hardcore vegans.
99
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Well, it's not for me
to cast aspersions
100
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on the dietary requirements
of other people.
101
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Why are them two together?
102
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Generational talent...
103
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Actually, they're both short.
104
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Hard to tell when you're sitting.
105
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:10,640
Sir, I don't care if you
put us together cos we're both gay.
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I've learnt
so much from him already.
107
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I'm lucky that,
108
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in a world where gay men still
face the threat of persecution,
109
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I have a mentor like Ted Price,
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who makes me feel safe, secure
and free to be who I am.
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CHUCKLES SOFTLY
That's lovely, that is.
112
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And just to clarify 100%...
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I had no idea you were both gay.
114
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Mm. Oh.
Close the door on the way out.
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DOOR BANGS OPEN
116
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I despise your face with a passion.
117
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La, don't talk to me
for the next five weeks
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until this bloody scheme is over.
119
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Are you sure you'll make
five more weeks, Grandad?
120
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I'm a year older than you,
so watch your mouth, Mr One Pube.
121
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Why? What are you gonna do?
122
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Bore me to death with tales of
how life was bad for us in the '50s
123
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cos we got thrown in jail
for bumming?
124
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You know,
it's hard to take you seriously,
125
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considering your voice
hasn't even broke yet!
126
00:05:02,960 --> 00:05:04,960
You all right, Jodie? Is Reece in?
127
00:05:04,960 --> 00:05:06,160
He's just nipped
down the shop for me.
128
00:05:06,160 --> 00:05:07,960
Oh, OK.
129
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,960
Do you not wanna come inside
and wait for him?
130
00:05:09,960 --> 00:05:12,800
Er, yeah. Yeah, all right.
131
00:05:17,960 --> 00:05:19,320
Is that a new cap?
132
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Er, yeah, it is.
133
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Suits ya.
134
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Thanks.
135
00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,960
Do you want some tea? I'm doing me
something. Yeah, go ahead. Sound.
136
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,960
I was thinking, er, wedges and...
137
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..chicken dippers?
138
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CHOKED VOICE: Yep. Yep.
139
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How do you like your dippers, Con?
I don't mind.
140
00:05:42,160 --> 00:05:44,960
Do you want them in the oven,
on the grill?
141
00:05:44,960 --> 00:05:45,960
Whatever.
142
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Coming out my arse, then?
143
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HE CHOKES
144
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SPLUTTERING
GASPING: What? No.
145
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Reece tells me everything,
you blurt.
146
00:05:53,960 --> 00:05:54,960
HE COUGHS
147
00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:57,640
It's all right, don't worry
about it. I know what lads are like.
148
00:05:57,640 --> 00:05:58,960
It's just banter anyway, innit?
149
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:01,960
Come to think of it,
I've had a bit of a rough day, so...
150
00:06:03,640 --> 00:06:04,960
..I'd be up for a bit of fun...
151
00:06:06,480 --> 00:06:07,960
..if you are.
152
00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:17,960
What do you mean you can't play?
It's starting in a minute.
153
00:06:17,960 --> 00:06:20,960
'Don't worry. I put a shout out on
Discord to get you a new partner.'
154
00:06:20,960 --> 00:06:22,800
Oh, is it someone we know?
155
00:06:22,800 --> 00:06:24,960
Is it Hellfire?
He's better than you, to be honest.
156
00:06:24,960 --> 00:06:28,960
'No, some random
called YeNansButtPlug.
157
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'Oh, he's joining the chat now.
OK, bye!'
158
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COMPUTER CHIMES
Is this YeNansButtPlug?
159
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Hello?
160
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:39,960
SINGING: 'I can be your hero, baby.'
161
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IN SAME TUNE: What an absolute
bellend, baby.
162
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Grow up.
PLAYER'S GUN COCKS
163
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VIDEO GAME: 'Round one.'
164
00:06:48,960 --> 00:06:52,960
Oh, lad! What have I told you about
leaving your weps on top of mine?
165
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It marks them!
166
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:56,960
JODIE GIGGLES
FROM UPSTAIRS
167
00:07:05,960 --> 00:07:07,960
HE SNIFFS,
LAUGHTER
168
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:09,960
CON: Just tie it, please!
169
00:07:09,960 --> 00:07:10,960
What the fuck?
170
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,960
Birds Eye?
LAUGHTER
171
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:17,960
No...
172
00:07:19,960 --> 00:07:21,960
It can't be... No.
173
00:07:21,960 --> 00:07:24,960
JODIE LAUGHS
174
00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:26,960
Are you sure you'll be able
to get it back out?
175
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Mum!
176
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Con!
177
00:07:36,800 --> 00:07:39,960
THEY LAUGH
178
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,640
That's what you get
for grassing him up!
179
00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:44,960
That was a warning.
Next time, I'm in there for real.
180
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VIDEO GAME: 'Winner.'
Get in!
181
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SHE LAUGHS
182
00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:52,960
Hey, I'm sorry I had a go at you
about your name.
183
00:07:52,960 --> 00:07:53,960
Bit of a sore subject, you see,
184
00:07:53,960 --> 00:07:56,960
cos my nan actually showed me
her butt plug collection once
185
00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,800
when I went round... Traumatising.
186
00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:02,800
Especially as each one
came with a practical demonstration.
187
00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:06,960
'Hang on, do we have the same nan?
Are we related?'
188
00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:08,960
SHE GIGGLES
189
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:14,960
Oh, I thought the interview would be
in person, but Zoom's fine.
190
00:08:14,960 --> 00:08:17,960
I'm really looking forward to it.
See you then.
191
00:08:18,960 --> 00:08:20,320
Oo-er, what you
looking forward to, girl?
192
00:08:20,320 --> 00:08:21,960
You got a fella on the go?
193
00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:23,960
Er, yeah.
Ooh! Ooh!
194
00:08:23,960 --> 00:08:26,960
Yeah, I've got a little date.
Been on the old Tinder and that.
195
00:08:28,960 --> 00:08:30,480
MOCKING: Mustard, boy!
196
00:08:30,480 --> 00:08:31,960
Oh, stop adding "boy"
to the end of everything
197
00:08:31,960 --> 00:08:33,960
because you think
it makes it an insult!
198
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:35,960
You can do it to anything
and it sounds insulting.
199
00:08:35,960 --> 00:08:39,480
"Oh, building an orphanage
to save the children, boy!" See?
200
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:40,960
All right, lad. I was only messing.
201
00:08:44,960 --> 00:08:47,800
Geek theory about boy, boy!
202
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,960
LAUGHTER
203
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,960
Some top-tier scran we've had today.
204
00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:52,960
Scranny McPhee.
205
00:08:52,960 --> 00:08:55,960
Scrange Postecoglou.
Scran Boleyn.
206
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:58,960
LAUGHTER
207
00:08:58,960 --> 00:09:00,960
Battenberg, boy!
LAUGHTER
208
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,000
It's all about bread crumbing now,
girl.
209
00:09:04,000 --> 00:09:05,800
Keeping the lads interested
210
00:09:05,800 --> 00:09:07,960
by feeding them little breadcrumbs
now and again.
211
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
Like a like on Insta,
a random flirty text,
212
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,800
a blow job...
213
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,160
Last one was a joke.
214
00:09:13,160 --> 00:09:15,960
SING-SONG: Reece Duffy, Duffy.
215
00:09:15,960 --> 00:09:18,960
He loves a Batten-bee.
216
00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:21,960
TOGETHER: He gets it down in three.
217
00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:23,960
Reece Duffy, Duffy!
218
00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:26,640
Putting more in the bin
than you are in your mouth again?
219
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,960
Lad, if there's anything
you wanna talk about, you can.
220
00:09:31,480 --> 00:09:32,960
Suppose there is one thing.
221
00:09:33,960 --> 00:09:36,960
How do I get this knob
with the hero complex off my back
222
00:09:36,960 --> 00:09:39,160
just cos I didn't finish my lunch?
223
00:09:39,160 --> 00:09:41,960
You need to learn all the lingo too,
like "GGG".
224
00:09:41,960 --> 00:09:44,960
Good, giving and game.
Which means he's sex positive.
225
00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:46,960
Which means he wants
to respectfully and woke-fully
226
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,960
shag you senseless.
Yep.
227
00:09:48,960 --> 00:09:50,960
SHE PUFFS
That is really educational.
228
00:09:50,960 --> 00:09:51,960
Thanks for that, girls.
229
00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:53,800
TOGETHER: You're welcome.
230
00:09:53,800 --> 00:09:55,960
CROWD: Ohh...
Believe in ya...
231
00:09:55,960 --> 00:09:59,960
CHEERING
232
00:09:59,960 --> 00:10:01,640
Help me, oh, mighty gay one (!)
233
00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:03,960
FAKE SOBBING: I lost
my mummy and my daddy.
234
00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:06,960
I'm a tragic little orphan
that needs saving.
235
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,960
First case of a justified orphan.
236
00:10:08,960 --> 00:10:10,960
Ah...
Oh, here we go.
237
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,640
What is this dark, scary place?
What?
238
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:15,000
Am I in a...
What are you doing?
239
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,960
..foster home?
FAKE GASPS
240
00:10:16,960 --> 00:10:19,960
Oh, no, please save me, Teddy Price!
241
00:10:19,960 --> 00:10:21,800
I'll save you!
242
00:10:21,800 --> 00:10:23,960
And then I'll wring your neck,
you little maggot!
243
00:10:23,960 --> 00:10:25,960
Now, then, trouble.
What are youse talking about?
244
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:28,480
Oh, nothing. Just having
a little chat with the girls
245
00:10:28,480 --> 00:10:31,640
about the crusty tissues I found
under your bed yesterday.
246
00:10:31,640 --> 00:10:34,960
Mum, you'd best be joking.
Of course I'm joking.
247
00:10:34,960 --> 00:10:36,960
But if you don't put them in the bin
like I told you,
248
00:10:36,960 --> 00:10:37,960
I'm gonna tell the whole school.
249
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,960
Where are you going?
250
00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:41,960
Oh, I'm, er, just off to have
my meeting with the Tate Liverpool.
251
00:10:41,960 --> 00:10:42,960
We're gonna put together
252
00:10:42,960 --> 00:10:44,960
an exhibition
of your crusty tissues.
253
00:10:44,960 --> 00:10:46,960
Put your face next to it.
254
00:10:46,960 --> 00:10:49,960
"Intimate Moments" by Reece Duffy.
THEY LAUGH
255
00:10:49,960 --> 00:10:50,960
Ta-ra.
256
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,800
Hey, Mum.
What?
257
00:10:52,800 --> 00:10:54,960
Here you are, here's one I made
earlier. Disgusting.
258
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:56,960
I have a very important
announcement.
259
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,960
For anyone out there
who's suffering,
260
00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:03,480
for anyone out there who needs hope
in their darkest hour,
261
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:05,640
there's a very special man
that will save you.
262
00:11:05,640 --> 00:11:06,960
Is it Jesus?
263
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,000
Ted Price.
264
00:11:08,000 --> 00:11:12,960
The hero we didn't know we needed,
because we literally don't need him.
265
00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:13,960
LAUGHTER
266
00:11:13,960 --> 00:11:16,800
The man that's gonna make all
our lives joyful.
267
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:17,960
Unlucky, Ted, lad.
268
00:11:17,960 --> 00:11:20,960
So, please, let's hear it
for the one and only,
269
00:11:20,960 --> 00:11:24,160
our saviour Ted Price.
270
00:11:24,160 --> 00:11:26,480
When I say Ted, you say Price.
271
00:11:26,480 --> 00:11:28,960
Ted!
ALL: Price!
272
00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:31,960
Price! Price! Price!
ALL: Price! Price! Price!
273
00:11:34,160 --> 00:11:36,960
HEART BEATS,
HEAVY BREATHING
274
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,960
CHANTING: Your defence is terrified,
Alan's on fire.
275
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:46,480
Your defence is terrified,
Alan's on fire.
276
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,960
Your defence is terrified...
What a whopping win, lads.
277
00:11:49,960 --> 00:11:51,960
Oh, we should join
a six-a-side league.
278
00:11:51,960 --> 00:11:54,960
We will piss it with Alan
on our side.
279
00:11:54,960 --> 00:11:57,960
Drinks are on me, lads.
Let's celebrate this victory, yeah?
280
00:11:57,960 --> 00:12:00,960
ALL CHEER
Your dad is sick.
281
00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:01,960
Oh, aye?
282
00:12:01,960 --> 00:12:04,960
If I had the choice of five minutes
alone with my dead dad or your dad,
283
00:12:04,960 --> 00:12:06,960
I'd choose your dad.
LAUGHTER
284
00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,960
He has one of the sweetest
left foots I've ever seen.
285
00:12:08,960 --> 00:12:10,960
Goated. Mwah.
286
00:12:10,960 --> 00:12:12,960
You know why I was so good
out there today, lads?
287
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,960
Cos I don't feel the weight
of the bib.
288
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,960
I play without fear.
289
00:12:17,960 --> 00:12:21,960
Cos there goes the fear. Let it go.
290
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:25,320
You turn around,
and life's passed you by.
291
00:12:25,320 --> 00:12:27,960
Don't waste chances being afraid,
yeah?
292
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:31,960
Cos I'm telling you, boys,
everything you've ever wanted...
293
00:12:32,960 --> 00:12:34,960
..is on the other side of fear.
294
00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,640
I'm scared of karaoke,
but you know what? I'm gonna do it.
295
00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:42,320
CHEERING
296
00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,960
Go 'ead, lad.
Come on.
297
00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:53,960
No, there's been a mistake.
This isn't the song I picked.
298
00:12:53,960 --> 00:12:55,960
You got this.
Come on.
299
00:12:55,960 --> 00:12:56,960
Come on, lad.
300
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:58,480
# So don't ask me... #
301
00:12:58,480 --> 00:13:00,960
MICROPHONE SCREECHES
Oh, God.
302
00:13:00,960 --> 00:13:02,960
Go on.
# What you know is true... #
303
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,800
Give me that mic, lad.
304
00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:06,960
# Don't have to tell you... #
CHEERING
305
00:13:08,320 --> 00:13:11,000
# I love your precious heart
306
00:13:12,320 --> 00:13:13,960
# I
I
307
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:17,960
# I was standing there
308
00:13:19,160 --> 00:13:20,960
# You were there... #
Go on, lad.
309
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:22,160
He has a beautiful voice.
310
00:13:22,160 --> 00:13:24,960
# Two worlds collided
311
00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:29,960
# And they could never
Tear us apart... #
312
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,960
CHEERING
Guitar.
313
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:39,960
Take it away, son.
314
00:13:40,960 --> 00:13:42,960
# We could live... #
315
00:13:42,960 --> 00:13:45,480
CHEERING
G'wed, lad.
316
00:13:45,480 --> 00:13:47,960
# For a thousand years
317
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,960
# If I hurt you
318
00:13:52,960 --> 00:13:56,960
# I'd make wine from your tears
319
00:13:56,960 --> 00:13:58,960
# I told you
320
00:13:59,960 --> 00:14:01,960
# That we could fly... #
321
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:04,960
Hello. How's my favourite
underpaid glass collector?
322
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,960
Viv, if you're gonna ask
if I can work tonight, I can't.
323
00:14:06,960 --> 00:14:07,960
I'm back in school.
324
00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:10,960
I'm not asking you to work.
But I do have a special request.
325
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,960
You said that'd be a one-time thing
and I'd never have to do it again.
326
00:14:13,960 --> 00:14:15,960
I wouldn't be asking you
to do that again.
327
00:14:15,960 --> 00:14:17,960
I've had better head
from a blow-up doll.
328
00:14:17,960 --> 00:14:18,960
Our usual compere's got another gig,
329
00:14:18,960 --> 00:14:21,960
so we need someone for the drag
night Thursday. What do you reckon?
330
00:14:21,960 --> 00:14:24,960
You want me to do it?
No, knobhead, do you know anyone?
331
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:27,960
I'm messing.
Of course I'm asking you.
332
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:29,960
Listen,
I think you've got something.
333
00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:31,960
When you speak, people listen.
You grab their attention,
334
00:14:31,960 --> 00:14:33,960
so it's time to stop
living in the shadows
335
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:35,960
and step into the lights
of my stage.
336
00:14:35,960 --> 00:14:37,960
Now, don't you dare
be funnier than me.
337
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,800
Viv, are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
338
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:42,960
Oh, come on, lad,
what's the worst that can happen?
339
00:14:42,960 --> 00:14:44,960
You bomb so hard,
you become a shell of a man
340
00:14:44,960 --> 00:14:46,960
so traumatised
you never leave the house.
341
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:49,960
Cos I tell you what, if you do bomb,
I'm never speaking to you again.
342
00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:53,960
# Could never
343
00:14:53,960 --> 00:14:56,960
# Ever tear us apart... #
344
00:14:56,960 --> 00:14:58,960
CHEERING
Go on, then.
345
00:15:00,960 --> 00:15:03,480
My favourite bit now, son.
346
00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:05,960
What is it?
Saxophone.
347
00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:08,960
CHEERING
348
00:15:08,960 --> 00:15:11,960
Lad, this is all because of you,
you know.
349
00:15:11,960 --> 00:15:14,960
Nice one. I'm gonna make up
for some lost time.
350
00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,960
Shame, he's just told me he's doing
one of his own songs next
351
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:17,960
called "I Hate My Son."
352
00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:19,960
As if, lad.
THEY CHUCKLE
353
00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:21,960
Everybody, come on!
354
00:15:21,960 --> 00:15:22,960
# I
355
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,960
# I was standing... #
356
00:15:26,960 --> 00:15:28,800
Come on, everybody.
357
00:15:28,800 --> 00:15:29,960
# You were there
358
00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,000
# Two worlds colliding
359
00:15:35,960 --> 00:15:40,000
# And they will never
Tear us apart... #
360
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:42,960
It's you and me now, kid.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
361
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:52,960
This fucking skirt's killing me.
362
00:15:57,960 --> 00:15:58,960
LAPTOP CHIMES
Shit.
363
00:15:58,960 --> 00:16:01,960
'Hello. Hello?
364
00:16:02,960 --> 00:16:04,800
'Hi, Jodie.'
Hi.
365
00:16:04,800 --> 00:16:05,960
'It's Robert here
366
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:07,960
'from Central Liverpool
Housing Association.
367
00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:10,000
'I believe you came to us
via the Job Centre?'
368
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,960
Yeah, I was looking for some
part-time ways
369
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:15,960
to be starting my career.
370
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,960
I've got a law degree,
I got it in 2007.
371
00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,960
Er, I got pregnant afterwards,
372
00:16:20,960 --> 00:16:23,480
so I haven't really had
a chance to do anything with it.
373
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,960
'We were all young and foolish once,
my love.'
374
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,960
Just give us the ciggies, will you?
I gave you 20 quid.
375
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:33,960
Lad, forget the ciggies.
376
00:16:33,960 --> 00:16:36,800
You should be putting food in
your mouth, you scrawny little rat.
377
00:16:36,800 --> 00:16:38,960
THEY LAUGH
378
00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,960
This morning, honestly, I had
a shit that was bigger than you.
379
00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:42,960
Hey, you know in Africa and that
380
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,960
they have adverts on the telly
asking them to send food to you.
381
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:47,480
THEY LAUGH
382
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:52,960
Pass the ciggies, before youse both
get booted to Africa.
383
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:56,960
Rat. Lad, come on.
384
00:16:56,960 --> 00:16:59,960
Are you groom bumming this
little lad, then, Ted, lad, yeah?
385
00:16:59,960 --> 00:17:02,960
Kieron, you can't even spell
the word "groom". Be gone.
386
00:17:02,960 --> 00:17:04,960
Come on.
387
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,160
I told you to leave it to me, lad.
How do you spell groom?
388
00:17:07,160 --> 00:17:09,160
What are you doing?
389
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:11,960
I didn't say I was getting them
for you, did I?
390
00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:13,960
HE CHUCKLES
391
00:17:14,960 --> 00:17:19,960
# I know that I'm your homie
I ain't just gonna let that go. #
392
00:17:19,960 --> 00:17:23,320
'I agree,
with your underprivileged background
393
00:17:23,320 --> 00:17:25,960
'and your experience
of the many issues
394
00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:27,000
'our clients suffer from,
395
00:17:27,000 --> 00:17:30,320
'I really think our clients
are gonna connect with you.'
396
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,640
Yeah, I mean, I've had them all.
397
00:17:33,640 --> 00:17:37,160
Substance abuse issues,
homelessness, unemployment,
398
00:17:37,160 --> 00:17:38,960
domestic violence,
399
00:17:38,960 --> 00:17:41,960
and the big crowd pleaser,
mental health crises.
400
00:17:41,960 --> 00:17:44,960
'You know,
I feel for women in your situation.
401
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:48,800
'It isn't easy balancing career
with issues.
402
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:52,160
'Then you stupidly get pregnant,
which only compounds your problems,
403
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:54,960
'and you end up deeply regretting
having the child,
404
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,960
'as you've basically screwed up
your whole career.'
405
00:17:57,960 --> 00:18:00,960
Will you wind your neck in,
you patronising gobshite?
406
00:18:00,960 --> 00:18:02,960
I don't regret anything
about my life.
407
00:18:02,960 --> 00:18:05,160
In fact, I really like it,
and having that boy
408
00:18:05,160 --> 00:18:07,960
was the best thing
that could have ever happened to me.
409
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:08,960
Oh, and while I'm at it,
410
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:10,960
I live amongst these people
with their so-called issues
411
00:18:10,960 --> 00:18:13,000
and let me tell you something
for nothing,
412
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,960
with all their problems,
not a one of them
413
00:18:15,960 --> 00:18:18,160
is as big of a delusional dickhead
as you are.
414
00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:20,960
Hey, Mum. What are you doing?
415
00:18:20,960 --> 00:18:23,960
Oh, look, son.
We've got big money problems.
416
00:18:23,960 --> 00:18:26,960
Someone's got to do some cam work
and it's not gonna be you, is it?
417
00:18:26,960 --> 00:18:27,960
As if. I'd make more than you.
418
00:18:27,960 --> 00:18:30,960
As if.
Midget porn. It's a big market.
419
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:31,960
ROBERT CLEARS THROAT
420
00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,640
Fuck off.
421
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:38,800
SHE LAUGHS
Who uses WhatsApp anyway, Grandad?
422
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:39,960
'I'm only using WhatsApp
cos Bebo's down.'
423
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,960
SHE CHUCKLES
424
00:18:41,960 --> 00:18:44,000
Oh, my God,
you picked you on your moped.
425
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:46,960
Is that cos you hope girls
will look at it and think,
426
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,960
"Oh, my God.
Will you take me for a ride?"
427
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:51,960
SHE LAUGHS
'Have you finished?'
428
00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:54,960
So, three wins together.
Have I passed the trial?
429
00:18:54,960 --> 00:18:57,640
Trial to be
the most annoying bellend
430
00:18:57,640 --> 00:18:59,640
who happens to be great at Payday?
431
00:19:00,800 --> 00:19:04,160
Yeah, with flying colours.
Get in.
432
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:06,960
# Do yourself a favour
433
00:19:09,960 --> 00:19:11,960
# Do, do, do, do, do... #
434
00:19:15,960 --> 00:19:17,480
HE SIGHS
Little shit.
435
00:19:26,960 --> 00:19:27,960
HE GULPS
436
00:19:44,960 --> 00:19:46,960
FOOTSTEPS
437
00:19:57,960 --> 00:19:58,960
How are we, kid?
438
00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:01,320
You do realise
439
00:20:01,320 --> 00:20:03,800
we don't have to hang around toilets
for sex any more?
440
00:20:03,800 --> 00:20:05,960
We're accepted now.
Not having lunch today?
441
00:20:05,960 --> 00:20:07,960
I'm allergic to fish.
I had a Maccies before.
442
00:20:07,960 --> 00:20:09,960
What did you have?
The Big Tasty Burger.
443
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:11,960
That's seasonal, mate.
They don't have it now.
444
00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:14,960
It's back, lad.
Albie, I know what you're doing.
445
00:20:14,960 --> 00:20:17,960
Making up allergies,
saying you feel sick,
446
00:20:17,960 --> 00:20:19,160
smoking so you don't feel hungry.
447
00:20:19,160 --> 00:20:21,960
Smoking was cool in the '50s.
I don't blame you.
448
00:20:21,960 --> 00:20:23,960
Lad, I've been where you are.
449
00:20:23,960 --> 00:20:27,960
In this cubicle? Is this where
you hid from the Nazis in 1943?
450
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:29,960
Lad, they wouldn't execute you
for being gay.
451
00:20:29,960 --> 00:20:31,960
They'd execute you
for being so annoying.
452
00:20:35,960 --> 00:20:37,000
I know about that prison
in your head.
453
00:20:38,960 --> 00:20:40,640
I know how that prison's
full of anxiety.
454
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,960
Anxiety when you catch a look
at yourself in the mirror.
455
00:20:45,000 --> 00:20:48,960
Anxiety when you allow yourself
that one bite.
456
00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:52,960
The constant thoughts and obsessions
about food, calories, weight, BMI.
457
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:54,960
"You should exercise more.
458
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:56,960
"Knew you shouldn't
have had that bite."
459
00:20:56,960 --> 00:21:00,160
The thoughts are so exhausting,
that you think you just want peace
460
00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:02,960
and you think that not waking up
in the morning wouldn't be so bad.
461
00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:08,960
# I'm coming out
462
00:21:08,960 --> 00:21:10,960
# I want the world to know. #
Fuck's sake.
463
00:21:10,960 --> 00:21:13,960
Did you listen to anything
I've just said?
464
00:21:13,960 --> 00:21:16,000
Why did you stop boxing?
How do you know about that?
465
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:17,960
My cousin
goes to the same club as you.
466
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,480
He says you're good,
467
00:21:19,480 --> 00:21:22,160
but a few months ago,
you stopped going. Why?
468
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,960
I didn't fancy it any more.
469
00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:26,960
Sure, mate, yeah.
Here's what I think.
470
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,960
You go around acting
like you're the perfect gay
471
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,000
who's got it all figured out.
472
00:21:31,000 --> 00:21:34,960
Yet you don't think you're worthy
enough to box with straight lads?
473
00:21:34,960 --> 00:21:37,960
Seems like the almighty gay one's
a big hypocrite.
474
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:41,960
Shut up, you little prick.
I'm here trying to help you.
475
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:44,800
If I ever wanna learn
about how to be a weak coward
476
00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,960
who's one big fraud,
I'll come to you.
477
00:21:46,960 --> 00:21:49,960
But until then,
fuck off, and leave me alone.
478
00:21:50,960 --> 00:21:52,960
Fuck!
479
00:21:52,960 --> 00:21:54,480
PHONE BUZZES
480
00:21:57,960 --> 00:21:59,960
'Hi, Jodie.'
Robbie.
481
00:21:59,960 --> 00:22:03,640
'Robert here from Central Liverpool
Housing Association.
482
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,960
'We'd like to offer you the job.'
You're messing!
483
00:22:06,960 --> 00:22:09,320
I called you a delusional dickhead.
484
00:22:09,320 --> 00:22:12,960
'Upon reflection,
I realised you had an empathy
485
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:15,640
'and open-minded attitude
towards our clients,
486
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:18,960
'which I think will be a huge asset
to our office.'
487
00:22:18,960 --> 00:22:21,960
Thank you. I'll take it.
488
00:22:21,960 --> 00:22:22,960
'Great.'
489
00:22:22,960 --> 00:22:24,960
Although can we not
mention it to the Job Centre?
490
00:22:24,960 --> 00:22:26,960
I still wanna keep my benefits,
like.
491
00:22:26,960 --> 00:22:28,320
'I'm afraid that's illegal,
and I...'
492
00:22:28,320 --> 00:22:29,960
HE STUTTERS
493
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,960
'You're joking, aren't you?'
THEY CHUCKLE
494
00:22:32,960 --> 00:22:35,960
'Very good. Congratulations.
495
00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:37,960
'Looking forward
to working with you.'
496
00:22:37,960 --> 00:22:38,960
Nice one, Robbie.
497
00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:42,960
You fucking dancer!
498
00:22:44,960 --> 00:22:46,480
Who were you on the phone to?
499
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:49,960
Oh, it's, er,
little-people-porn-cams-dot-com.
500
00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:52,960
Yeah.
501
00:22:52,960 --> 00:22:55,960
Five foot one maximum? No problem.
502
00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,960
Bigger than two inches?
503
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:01,960
Definitely not.
HE SCOFFS
504
00:23:01,960 --> 00:23:04,960
Welcome to Boss Little Queers
These Ya Know.
505
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:07,960
Don't worry, lads,
if I can transform this face,
506
00:23:07,960 --> 00:23:09,960
there's hope for youse, too.
507
00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,640
We've got a new compere for you
this evening.
508
00:23:12,640 --> 00:23:14,960
It's his first night,
so please be nice.
509
00:23:14,960 --> 00:23:15,960
Oh, shit.
510
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,960
And, yes, I'm looking at you lot.
THEY LAUGH
511
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:19,960
No bouncing bottles off his head.
512
00:23:20,960 --> 00:23:22,960
Oh, what's he doing? The old prick.
513
00:23:22,960 --> 00:23:24,960
Give it up
for the gorgeous Ted Price.
514
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,640
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
515
00:23:28,960 --> 00:23:29,960
Good evening.
516
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,960
Who's ready for a night
of eleganza extravaganza?
517
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:34,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
518
00:23:35,960 --> 00:23:37,960
ALBIE BREATHES HEAVILY
519
00:23:37,960 --> 00:23:38,960
I love drag queens, me.
520
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,960
Why do drag queens
always have money?
521
00:23:40,960 --> 00:23:43,320
Why?
Cos she knows how to tuck it away.
522
00:23:44,960 --> 00:23:45,960
Ooh.
523
00:23:45,960 --> 00:23:47,960
This pubeless one
is dying on his arse.
524
00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:50,960
Shut up, Derek. If I wanted to hear
an arsehole speak, I'd fart, mate.
525
00:23:50,960 --> 00:23:52,960
LAUGHTER
526
00:23:55,480 --> 00:23:57,000
Just fucking pick up.
527
00:23:57,000 --> 00:24:00,960
My curly-haired homophobic friend
in the audience tonight.
528
00:24:00,960 --> 00:24:02,960
Stand up, Con.
Come on, give him a little clap.
529
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:03,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
530
00:24:03,960 --> 00:24:07,960
This boy asks me hundreds
of thousands of questions a day.
531
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,960
Each one more homophobic
than the last.
532
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:11,800
It was literally someone,
533
00:24:11,800 --> 00:24:13,960
"Ay, lad, if you're gay,
how come you never come on to me?"
534
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:15,960
Normally, I've just gone with,
535
00:24:15,960 --> 00:24:19,160
"Oh, gay lads have a type,"
or "We don't fancy every man alive."
536
00:24:19,160 --> 00:24:21,960
But in his case, it's because
he is one right ugly fucker.
537
00:24:21,960 --> 00:24:23,320
LAUGHTER
538
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:27,960
And Reece is in the audience.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
539
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:30,320
This boy has just been reunited
with his dad
540
00:24:30,320 --> 00:24:31,960
face-to-face after 16 years.
541
00:24:31,960 --> 00:24:33,960
CROWD: Aww.
They're not estranged.
542
00:24:33,960 --> 00:24:35,960
They just finally found a ladder
that was big enough.
543
00:24:35,960 --> 00:24:38,960
LAUGHTER
544
00:24:38,960 --> 00:24:40,960
HEAVY BREATHING
545
00:24:40,960 --> 00:24:43,960
MUFFLED: Thank you so much,
everyone. Thanks for having me.
546
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,960
You've been great.
You've been a gorgeous audience.
547
00:24:45,960 --> 00:24:48,320
I've been Ted, and you've
been lovely. Thanks, lads.
548
00:24:48,320 --> 00:24:49,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Love you so much.
549
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:55,960
Everyone here, I just want to say
thank you so much for being so kind.
550
00:24:57,960 --> 00:25:01,960
# I'm in the corner
Watching you kiss her
551
00:25:01,960 --> 00:25:04,000
# Whoa, oh, oh
552
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:06,960
# Ooh, ooh
553
00:25:06,960 --> 00:25:10,000
# I'll keep dancing on my own. #
554
00:25:10,000 --> 00:25:11,960
CHEERING
Come on, Ted.
555
00:25:14,320 --> 00:25:15,960
TINNY MUSIC
556
00:25:15,960 --> 00:25:21,800
# Into your soul
Into your soul... #
557
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:24,960
MUSIC: 'Smalltown Boy'
by Bronski Beat
558
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:28,000
EXHALES
559
00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
560
00:25:33,320 --> 00:25:35,960
Come on, you're gonna be seeing
a lot more of this lad.
561
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:38,320
Give it up
for the gorgeous Ted Price.
562
00:25:38,320 --> 00:25:39,960
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
563
00:25:39,960 --> 00:25:42,640
# Don't take me home
564
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:44,960
# Please don't take me home
565
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:47,960
# Just don't wanna go to school
566
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,960
# Wanna stay up all night
Watching Ted Price
567
00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:53,960
# Please don't
Please don't take me home... #
568
00:25:53,960 --> 00:25:55,960
Hello.
569
00:25:55,960 --> 00:25:59,480
# Don't take me home... #
570
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:00,960
No.
571
00:26:02,480 --> 00:26:05,640
# Just don't wanna go to school
572
00:26:05,640 --> 00:26:08,320
# Wanna stay up all night
Watching Ted Price... #
573
00:26:22,960 --> 00:26:23,960
Albie.
574
00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:27,960
I'm so sorry I let you down.
575
00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,960
ALBIE INHALES,
TED GASPS
576
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:35,000
Is this Heaven?
Lad, you're in hospital.
577
00:26:35,000 --> 00:26:38,800
Oh, mighty gay one Ted Price
at gay Heaven's doors.
578
00:26:38,800 --> 00:26:41,960
TED CHUCKLES
Please let me in.
579
00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,960
What's the doctor said?
I'll be OK.
580
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,960
So that stuff I bought
on the dark web wasn't any good.
581
00:26:47,960 --> 00:26:49,960
I wonder what the refunds policy is?
582
00:26:49,960 --> 00:26:51,960
TED CHUCKLES
583
00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:53,960
I've got a confession.
584
00:26:53,960 --> 00:26:56,960
This is gonna sound really crazy
and out the blue,
585
00:26:56,960 --> 00:26:59,960
but I think I've got anorexia.
586
00:26:59,960 --> 00:27:02,960
I am blown away, lad. Really?
587
00:27:02,960 --> 00:27:03,960
TED CHUCKLES
588
00:27:05,960 --> 00:27:08,960
I was 11 when it clicked I was gay,
589
00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:12,960
and my first thought was,
"Oh, shit,"
590
00:27:12,960 --> 00:27:15,960
cos that's how society's
made us feel.
591
00:27:15,960 --> 00:27:17,960
Then you put this negativity
on yourself,
592
00:27:17,960 --> 00:27:19,960
and it messes up your self-esteem.
593
00:27:20,960 --> 00:27:22,960
Anorexia makes you believe
594
00:27:22,960 --> 00:27:26,640
that if you keep doing
what it wants, you'll be OK.
595
00:27:28,160 --> 00:27:29,960
But it's a liar.
596
00:27:29,960 --> 00:27:32,960
Very good liar, to be fair.
597
00:27:32,960 --> 00:27:34,960
Facing your inner demons is scary,
but...
598
00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:40,960
..everything you want,
it's on the other side of that fear.
599
00:27:40,960 --> 00:27:41,960
I got better.
600
00:27:43,960 --> 00:27:45,960
You will too.
Another confession.
601
00:27:47,800 --> 00:27:49,960
I really appreciate you
looking out for me.
602
00:27:50,960 --> 00:27:52,960
It's been my pleasure.
603
00:27:55,480 --> 00:27:59,960
Oof. Big hairy daddy hand, this.
Excuse me?
604
00:27:59,960 --> 00:28:01,960
These daddy hands
are here to look after you.
605
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:03,960
Come on, let me fix your pillow.
606
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,960
CHOKING
What are you doing?
607
00:28:05,960 --> 00:28:07,960
ALBIE GASPS
Nurse, help.
608
00:28:07,960 --> 00:28:09,960
This old fella's
saying he's my daddy.
609
00:28:09,960 --> 00:28:11,960
Making me do things
I don't wanna do.
610
00:28:11,960 --> 00:28:13,960
He's very, very sick.
Get out.
611
00:28:13,960 --> 00:28:15,960
MUSIC: 'Smalltown Boy'
by Bronski Beat
612
00:28:19,960 --> 00:28:22,000
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