Original subtitles

What's happening, cornflake head?

'Ey, we need to be mates again, you know.

I've had to turn to drugs to cope without ya.

Not funny.

I can't believe you got me up early for this.

Oh, just a little bit dirty. Oh, just...

Just a little bit more there.

Argh! Keep pushing.

I can't. Go on, one more.

One more, come on push.

Look, look at him. He's a baby boy.

Congratulations.

You cheatin' prick. A son. A son! Congratulations.

HE LAUGHS

Fancy some FIFA after school later?

I just need to hide a few things first so you can't steal them.

Lad, I already explained what happened. I'm joking.

Can you bring one of your controllers, too, though?

I've lost one of mine. That's cos I stole it from ya room.

THEY LAUGH

HE SPEAKS ARABIC

Didn't you pay for his lunches last week?

Oh, he's still having problems

getting the right ID for a bank account.

I don't wanna scare you, girl,

but you read about things like this all the time.

Foreign men scamming women for money.

What are you on about, girl?

Like me nan, who met that Adama fella from Gambia on Facebook.

He moved here, they got married,

and then he divorced her so he could take half of her life savings.

I mean, no offence to ya nan, girl, but she was like 74, and he was 25.

It was pretty obvious he wasn't with her

for her saggy tits and pancake arse.

May she rest in peace.

Are you sure you can trust him?

He lied to you about speaking English.

Oh, my God, girl, are you jealous?

No, you were the one saying

it's weird you haven't been to his house yet.

Yeah, well, yesterday, he had me waiting on the corner,

and I could definitely just about work out which house was his.

So there. Why was he making you

wait on the corner?

Well, you're one to talk, chasin' after that posh bellend.

As if. I mean, it's getting a bit embarrasin', to be honest.

He's not interested in girls like you,

but he doesn't wanna tell you

because he doesn't wanna look like a snob.

Go away, you divvy. Oh, don't worry girl. I'm going.

You see, I've actually got a meetin' with Netflix.

Yeah, they wanna do a documentary on Ziad, The Libyan Swindler,

about how he manipulated a stupid, naive girl from Liverpool...

for a fiver.

Oh, Nice 'n' Spicy just edge it for me.

Aww, lad, if you're a Rib 'n' Saucy type of guy, it's OK.

They're both two absolute heavyweights.

My mum's just emailed me.

Oh, no. Have you lost the plot

cos I haven't been around to keep you sane?

Before she died, she must have scheduled emails for me.

What does it say?

"Hiya, son. Cancer must have got me by now. Or did it?

"Maybe I faked my death

"and now live off-the-grid in Alaska with an impressive beard."

She had a weird sense of humour. I love it, lad.

"I know your dad's birthday was always a tough day for us.

"So I wanna remind you of the poem we wrote for him.

"The image is fading of what it was like...

"when you would hold me incredibly tight.

"But I'll give never forget the feeling you gave...

"..the feeling that everything was all right."

"I'll keep going like you're by my side.

"So, when I see you again, and you ask me how it went,

"I'll tell you it was fun, and I achieved everything I dreamt.

"Love you, my son. Hope those words are coming true."

Thanks for taking over.

But did you have to do it with a mouth full of Nik Naks?

THEY LAUGH

Do you know where your dad lives? I dunno, I've never met him.

Do you wanna meet him?

No, I'm not arsed. I did as a kid, though.

You can still make some memories with your dad.

I'd do anything to make some more with mine...

even for one day, one hour, one minute.

I wonder what your da's favourite Nik Naks were.

I have a fading memory of him eating Rib 'n' Saucy.

THEY LAUGH

Come 'ead, lad.

Where the fuck's all this coming from, Reece?

Do you think I've done a bad job? No, Mum, you've been amazing.

It's just I was speaking to Christopher,

and he wrote this poem to his dad, before he died,

and... just gets ya thinking, doesn't it?

So what? We can write a poem to your dad if you want.

Er... 'I know this poem's come out of the blue,

'but we've never needed ya, so fuck you.'

See? Easy. Beautiful, Mum.

Ever since you were born, all I've done is try and make you happy.

And now I feel like you're tellin' me I haven't done enough.

No, Mum, that's not true at all. You have been enough.

I am happy. I am.

Sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to upset ya.

Are you sure you're ready for this, Reece?

Yeah, Mum.

Suppose I've always just pushed it away.

But it's always been in the back of me head.

Like, "Who is this fella who's 50% of who I am?" OK.

Well, I'm not ready.

But if you are, then I suppose I need to be.

Your dad's name's Darren.

Disneyland Darren. Wha'?

I know. Look, his mate said it was cos he was always goin' on about

this trip he took to Disneyland.

Even when we were having sex, he kept going on about

how it reminded him of going down Splash Mountain.

Mum! I know. I know.

It was a one night stand, son.

After I found out I was pregnant, I tried to find him.

I swear, I did, but... he's not from round here.

He's from Manchester. I'm sorry! I know!

I know! Oh, I tried me best to find him.

So, he doesn't know about me? No, son.

Once I realised I couldn't find him,

I knew I had to just focus on you.

And the day you were born... I promised ya...

that I'd be twice the mum that you deserved,

to make up for the fact that ye never had your dad.

And ye have been, Mum.

Come here. Come on.

I love you. I love you, too.

Ooh, I love you so much. Me little gobshite.

Hiya, what are you up to?

Oh, I'm working on a history project with Ruby.

Hey, did you hear about me dad's acca comin' in at the weekend?

He won 2,000 quid. It's crazy, eh?

Why'd you pick Ruby to be your partner?

She sits by me in the class.

Oh, my God. Has he asked you to marry him? You wha'?

You haven't given him your bank details, have ye?

Oh, I'm sure she'll use the winnings to buy you

lunches and the PS5 you want.

Oh, and your dad defo could have won more. He cashed out, the pussy.

He choked. PSG were obvs gonna score.

He's all yours! Come on, Mia.

Nice one for findin' him, lad, the Disneyland discussion forums.

You're a genius. This is it?

Well, let's not judge him on where he lives.

He could still be a really respectable guy.

Which one of you is Reece?

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

You're home.

Hey, do you know what's strange, son?

I've been havin' a lot of thoughts about your mum recently.

So, it's like a higher power's trying to tell me summat.

A lot of those thoughts was reaching into the wank bank.

But still... I know it don't look like much, son.

But I've not been able to work because of me disability.

I have a severely stubbed toe,

and the pain... radiates through me legs.

But don't worry because I've got big, big money coming my way.

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah.

I'm always applying to Pointless, Millionaire.

It's only a matter of time before I win big.

I made it onto The Chase once, son. Really? How'd ye do?

Well, I took the lower offer, and I still got knocked out,

but I was very unlucky with the questions.

Currently doing another application for Pointless now, as we speak.

Oh, my God!

We should do one together as a father-and-son team!

I'm all right, to be honest.

Fuckin' hell, me own son fuckin' hates me.

Hey, he doesn't hate you.

He just needs a bit of time to get to know you.

Oh, yeah... time.

And time's what we have got, son. Nothing but time.

And I'm gonna spend every single day

making up for the time that we've lost.

Every... single... day.

Just you... and me... together.

I'm gonna get off. It-It was nice to meet you.

Oh, really? Hey, do you wanna go go-karting tomorrow?

I can take you swimming. Wait, that's it? You're going?

See the state of him? 16 years for him?

I'd rather not know where I came from, if I came from that.

I need the toilet before we go.

Oh, hurry up, before he asks me to play catch or something.

Hey, son, do you know how to ride a bike?

Because I could teach you.

I'll wait outside, lad.

THEY LAUGH Hey.

Do you wanna come to me mum's birthday meal tomorrow night?

She really wants to meet you,

and we've got an extra seat at the table

as a certain SOMEONE isn't invited. Er... s-sure.

Last night, I was looking online,

and I found a local support group for family members of MS sufferers.

There's one tomorrow night, actually.

What an incredibly thoughtful gesture, Christopher.

It's great that me mental well-being is clearly your top priority.

Great, so you meet my parents,

and then after, I'll go your house and meet yours.

It'll be great. Erm, sure.

Friday night at Ziad's house. No waiting on the corner.

I know it sounds daunting,

but I could come with you, if that's OK?

Thanks, Christopher. I'd love to go there tomorrow... together.

So, actually, er, Mia-Louise, I finally opened the bank account.

So I have the money that I owe you for the lunches.

Ziad, you don't have to give me the money back,

but what a wonderful sign of trust that you have done.

MUSIC: 'Wet Dream' by Wet Leg

# Beam me up Beam me up

# Count me in Count me in

# Three, two, one Three, two, one

# Let's begin. #

SHAKY SINGING: # It's not time to make a change

# Just relax and take it easy

# You are young It's not your fault... #

PUPIL: What the fuck's that? PUPIL: Nonce alert.

# You need to know. #

What ya doing here? PUPIL: God, is that Reece's da?

No... No... No. PUPIL: Check his hard drive.

No, it's a song about a father

offering up his life experience for his son.

Which is what I'm gonna do for you. Just get out, will ya?

CLASS LAUGHS AND JEERS

I've got a surprise for you.

CLASS LAUGHS PUPIL: The fringe on it.

I've got one for you an' all.

JEERING LAUGHTER

For when I win it big on me quiz shows.

PUPIL: Sir, have you met Reece's da?

TEACHER: Step away from the kids... now.

Don't worry about it. So, wha'? It changes nothing.

BOY: Hm... Nothing. Chin up, lad.

THEY LAUGH

Nah, I can't do it. That's your dad in there.

Your life is ruined.

I'm questioning your whole identity. Shut up!

Reece, Disneyland Darren's not your dad.

If only, lad.

No, when we were there,

I went to bathroom so I could get a hair sample.

I ordered a DNA test, and I just got the results.

He's not your dad. You're serious? He's not me dad?

You did that for me, lad? Nice one. But, erm...

..how did you get me hair sample, though?

My bin still had your pubes in it

from when you thought it was funny to keep leaving them on my pillow.

THEY LAUGH

I can't believe it, son.

I was convinced he was your dad cos...

Cos what, mum?

Cos... when I slept with someone else

the next weekend, we used protection.

Oh, my God. Don't look at me like that!

Me nan had just died.

I was bladdered for three months, out looking for distractions.

Which is why I admire you so much, just processing all the emotions.

So, who is he, then?

And please don't say Universal Studios Steve.

I didn't get his real name.

He went by Mr 997. I met him in the Farmer's Arms.

Afterwards, I moved away.

I didn't get his phone number, and... I never saw him again.

I'm sorry, son.

Fucking hell... Fucking hell.

Even DNA fucking hates me.

I'm absolutely devastated, son.

Brought this with me so we could build it today.

Never gonna get the chance now, am I?

You know, I bet your dad's that bean head fella,

the lucky bastard.

What fella? Mr 997? Well...

..the next weekend, I went back to your mum's house

with some flowers cos...

..I was smitten, lads.

Anyway, I rang the doorbell, and there was no answer.

So then I look through the window, and that's when I see

this hook-nosed fella with a massive bean head,

shaggin' your mum on the couch.

It was gutting! You know, I saw him years later.

I was in Liverpool, and I saw his face on a poster.

He was giving a talk on one of his books.

I tell you what, lads, you never forget a cum face.

He's a writer? Do you remember the name of the book?

Nah, I was smashed off my tits.

But I think it was something weird

about looking through doors or windows

because I remember thinking...

"Has he written a book all these years later

"about me seeing his cum face?"

# When I think about What you've become

# I feel sorry for your mum

# You say we're all having fun

# Do you know you're the only one?

CONTINUES ON SPEAKER: # And when the lights go down

# On this fucking town

# I know it's time to go

# And when the radio plays And the static stays

# Yeah, I know it's time to go. #

ECHOING: 'He was giving a talk on one of his books.

'I think it was something weird

'about looking through doors or a window.

'Has he written a book all these years later,

'about me seeing his cum face?'

'Do you remember the name of the book?'

'No, I was smashed off my tits.

'Hook-nosed fella with a massive bean head,

'shaggin' your mum on the couch... bean head... bean head.

'You never forget a cum face.' He MOANS

'The lucky bastard.' HE MOANS

Mr 997! I found his address!

Oh, my God. Look at this place.

I just wanna say thanks for all your help.

And you know you said about going down to Surrey

to see your dad's grave?

I'll come with ya.

We'll make a day out of it, pull some posh birds.

CHRISTOPHER LAUGHS Yeah, let's do it.

PHONE DINGS

Whoa, look at the size of this place!

You're me dad.

Look at his awards.

That was my first-ever published book.

It's a research study into NDEs.

Near death experiences? Common, aren't they?

Like, 20% of people who come close to death have them.

That's exactly right, and people don't realise how common they are.

And please, help yourself to Caramel Hobnobs,

my favourite biscuit to dunk.

The... The caramel acts as a strengthener

so it doesn't break, ensuring a...

BOTH: ..sufficiently saturated biscuit.

Oh, my God, it's extraordinary. WHISPERING: What's he doing here?

It's extraordinary. Fuck off! Fuck off!

So... how's your mother? Go away!

Yeah, she's good, yeah. Is she still debating?

What do you mean, debating?

She was captain of the opposing debate team. That's how we met.

Camilla's arguments to why water-heavy agricultural systems

should be illegal really... blew me away.

BOTH: Camilla? DARREN: No!

We're talking about Jodie. Don't you remember?

Who are you? You were shagging Jodie from behind.

And I was in the window when I saw you cum.

What is it about us and windows, eh? We're at it again.

So you're not Camilla's boy?

Hey, did you and Jodie ever do that position

where she put her legs like that...?

Do one, will ya! All right.

You're sick. Get out!

So you didn't sleep with Jodie 17 years ago?

You met her at the Farmer's Arms pub?

No, I don't know any Jodie. Get out before I call the police.

Come on. Get out. Move! Just wait. Hang on.

Your angry face looks like your cum face, to be honest.

The three of ya, get off my property!

Look, no, we didn't mean to... Get out!

What are you doin' here? I've been following you, son.

It's my duty to look out for you.

Guardian... protector... father. You're not me dad!

HE EXHALES SHAKILY

Sorry, it's still really tough to hear.

And that's obviously not the fella, is it?

Do you know, for a second, I thought I'd found the reason

why I've always felt like the black sheep of me family.

I finally felt a sense of...

..belonging.

But it wasn't real.

AIMEE: Just don't embarrass me, OK?

When do I ever embarrass you, love, eh?

# I'm singing in the rain... #

Hello! # Just singing in the rain. #

HE CHUCKLES

I'm only joking with you.

Look, it'll be really nice to meet him.

Seems all right... for a southern knobhead. Hey!

# Why did I fall Fall into your arms

# Will we ever be Like the way we used to be

# Or have we lost ourselves

# Thought I knew you better... # KNOCKS ON WINDOW

You lying, cheating prick!

Mia-Louise! Mia-Louise!

Please, habibti, wait, wait. Mia-Louise!

Wait, habibti, please, please, please.

I'm not cheating on you, OK? She's from another Libyan family,

and my mum and uncle wanted me to meet her.

But why? You're going out with me.

They're scared I'm gonna lose my culture and forget my heritage.

That's why you didn't want me coming round to your house,

they don't want you to be with me?

I don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Just... Just talk to them.

Just tell them how you feel about me.

I've tried. I have tried.

Do you like this girl?

How could I like her, when I'm in love with you?

But they're my family.

And they sacrificed so much for me to be here.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I can't.

Are you sure this is the place?

I know it was 17 years ago,

but maybe someone at The Farmer's Arms will recognise her.

What are yous doing here?

Christopher text us, telling us to come to The Farmer's Arms,

to ask around about Mr 997.

But as soon as we got here, some bloke accused me

of being Trevor that broke up his marriage.

You what? Dead weird.

This other fella, he's made me buy meat.

Oh, lad, that stinks. PHONE RINGS

They're not approaching normal people here. One sec. Hiya, Mum.

He was in the cubicle next to me and slid it under the door.

Look, you either find him or you don't.

But we'll always have each other, OK?

Now, I know you didn't like it when Disneyland Darren serenaded you,

so I'm not gonna do that. I just...

I want you to know you're so special, Reece.

Ignite that light.

Let it shine.

# Just own the night... # HE CHUCKLES

# Like the 4th of July... # What are you doing?

You're off your head, you know.

# Baby, you're a firework... # Yes, kid!

# Come on, let your colours burn. # Mum, I've gotta go.

I'll text you later. All right, love you!

You followed us here?

You are my dad, I knew it. But why did you lie?

I've got no idea what you're chatting, lad,

but if yous keep staring, the biggest one's getting chinned.

You with me? Eh? 'Ey, Martin didn't have a tattoo.

Ah, yous think I'm Martin. No, no, I'm Alan, his twin.

But they call me Mr 997 cos I got the highest score

on the boxing machine in this place.

20 years, and the record still stands. Oosh!

BEEPING FANFARE

These new iBoxer machines don't count, lad. Proper jarg.

Scoring 1,000 on them is like scoring 600 in my day.

The game's gone, lad. Do you remember a Jodie?

You met her at this pub, like, 17 years ago?

Jodie... Jodie...

Bloody hell, yeah.

Jodie! Fuck, that's a blast from the past, that, lad.

This is Reece, Jodie's son. Right.

We thought Martin was his dad, but... you're his dad.

Are you having me on, fella?

You're my boy?

Let's get a look at you, then, 'ey!

'Ey! Hey, you know what, I see it now.

You've got them boxers arms like me.

Let's test your jaw out, see if you've got mine.

Argh! Come here.

Bet you're glad that boring soft shite weren't your dad, eh?

'Ey, got a proper schnozz on you there, lad. That's not from me.

But if you've got a big dick, that is.

Know what I mean?

No. Hey, fellas, this is Reece, my son!

G'wed. CHEERING

Go on, say something.

He's too happy. Doesn't know what to say.

Soppy little blurt. Go on!

REGULARS: # He's one of our own He's one of our own... #

Fuck.

# Reece Duffy, he's one of our own

# He's one of our own He's one of our own

# Reece Duffy He's one of our own. #

# Not an easy thing

# To choose. # CALL CONNECTING

PHONE RINGING # He's one of our own... #

Sorry, something's come up.

Are you at a party?

# Christopher He's one of our own! #

Is that Mo? Are you with them lot?

Yeah, but... 'Mia-Louise was right about you.'

Why didn't you just tell me you weren't interested, you snob?

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

# Not an easy thing to do... #

You all right?

Where's Christopher?

Town.

# Cos my heart stays with you... #

Where's Ziad? Dunno.

# My heart stays with you. #

Oh, my God, that's Mr Dunn!

Holding the door open for her

cos you think she's weak and incompetent, Sir?

Is she allowed her own money, Sir?

"Let her out the cage for tonight, did you, Sir?"

I did, yeah, but she'll be back in by nine.

MIA-LOUISE CHUCKLES

See, we're outside school, so I don't have to take this shit here.

SHOCKED EXHALE Boom!

THEY LAUGH

Look, I should have listened to you, looking out for me, girl,

instead of just getting pissed off...

cos I was worried what you were saying might be true.

I would say the same. I should know you've always got my back.

I don't think I'll ever meet anyone

who I'll have more of a laugh with than you.

Same here, girl.

We are gonna smash the rest of this year.

Love you, girl.

# Reece Duffy, you're the one

# This is where you belong

# Alan's kid is home again. #

Good one again! My son! Yeah!

REECE SIGHS # Looking back on where we first met

# I cannot escape And I cannot forget

# Baby, you're the one You still turn me on

# You can make me whole again... #

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

# For now, I'll have to wait

# But, baby, if you change your mind

# You can make me whole again. #