Original subtitles

GROANING, STRAINING

AIMEE: Dad?

Dad?

Ben Tyldesley. No way.

Ben Tyldesley! No way!

Get in! HE LAUGHS

How could I forget the name of the first boy

lucky enough to kiss my little girl?

HE CHUCKLES Good old Ben Tyldesley.

HE COUGHS Bloody hell!

Aimee, that's strong stuff, that, innit?

Oh!

It's making my eyes go all blurry.

Are yours?

A bit, yeah.

But it says online it helps.

Have you been using your cane? Yeah. Yeah.

It's been really helping me out, that, love. Nice one.

Really? Yeah. Here y'are, look...

When I wanna roll a spliff, I don't have to get up now.

HE LAUGHS Think you're funny, do you?

I do, yeah.

Look, seriously, though, you need to get back to school today.

You've been off for two weeks.

OK? I don't need you here looking after me. I'm fine.

Right, I'm going for a number two.

Argh! What? What?

Are you OK? Oh, eh, ooh!

HE LAUGHS Fuck off!

I'm sorry, love. Tit.

Look at his hair.

Look at the way his chin kinda points upwards.

Look at the way he desperately wants to hire a gardener.

BOYS LAUGH

Look at the way his face is telling me he owns a painting

of his great-great-grandad.

THEY LAUGH

Lad, I'm only messing, lad. You seem all right for a posh boy.

You seem all right for Reece's cousin.

I thought you were gonna turn up

with six Primark bags and three kids.

My missus doesn't let me see me the kids

since I got caught robbing from Primark.

BOYS: Ooh.

Lad! Shouldn't have said that.

I'm having you on, you div!

THEY LAUGH Had you going there, lad.

Yeah, don't worry, sis.

He's gonna be fine here with me for the week, yeah.

I'll make sure he stays out of trouble. Exactly.

Best to get him away from those bad-influence,

scumbag, thieving, feral, awful, dirty mates of his, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. No.

We all know he wouldn't have stolen it if it wasn't for them.

Get on this, lads. When I was on my own before, I took these.

I was coming back from the shop, and there was a delivery van,

and when the fella took a parcel into the house,

I jumped into the back and nabbed 'em.

You can always tell which ones are the new iPhones

because they come in a box that's rectangle... like an iPhone.

Your lucky day, lads!

Santa, me! I haven't got one for you, mate,

but you've probably got one, haven't you?

I actually don't, cos I employ "ye ma" to text for me.

THEY LAUGH

Hey, is that my jacket? I didn't bring a jacket.

What, you want me to freeze my tits off?

No, don't worry. I won't say a word to my mum.

She knows exactly how important your reputation is to your career.

And our Reece, yeah.

No, he won't say a word, even though he can be a right blabbermouth.

OK, honey, all right. Love you, bye!

Mum, are you sitting down? Cos you're not gonna believe this.

Our Tyreece, he's been caught shoplifting again!

Yes, I know, Mum, it's shocking!

He's on his final warning, mm-hm.

It's Steph's fault. She's completely lost control of him.

She's lost the dressing room, Mum!

Hey! One and you're through!

For any newcomers, here's the rules...

There are no rules.

Argh! Argh!

Bit hard that, Pat.

Brexit means Brexit, Connor.

DAD'S VOICE ECHOES: 'It's making my eyes go all blurry. Are yours?'

GIRL: There she is now!

WHISPERING VOICES: She's got... She's bonkers...

She got no shame?

Yo! She defo posted them TikToks.

She's been off for, like, two weeks. Rat, her, like.

Wrong 'un.

Liar! I'd have just switched country, me.

You heard what she said about my ma? I'd be mortified if I was her.

Snake! Rat! Bang out of order.

Thus bescreened in night, so stumblest upon my counsel?

By a name I know not how to tell thee who I am.

SLOW CLAPPING

POSH ACCENT: Splendid, Grace, darling.

You used so many techniques all in one line.

IN OWN ACCENT: Although you forgot the technique

where you bend over and stick your head up your own arse.

LAUGHTER

Christopher, I love the choice you've made to play Romeo

like a gormless prick.

That's right, I'm back, bitches. The Juliet OG.

The big dog's back. I'm really glad you're back, Aimee.

It takes a lot of courage to return after what you did. Yeah.

Off you pop, pouty. Let me show you how Juliet's done.

Go 'ead, girl!

Art thou not, Romeo, a Montague

and the coward who believeth that I would be'est so horrible

as to posteth a TikTok video

slagging off everyone in this school?

That's not... Can we just do the scene?

But it shalt be true, so don't tryeth deny it! Aimee!

Aimee! Whilst you've been away, everyone's been working really hard.

I need to know your head's in the right place.

Er, that's discrimination, that, sir.

She's clearly got some kind of mental health issues.

Do you not believe in mental health, sir?

Love creating mental health stigma, do you, sir?

Can't see it so doesn't exist, sir?

Your dad told you to man up

so you've suppressed your emotions all your life, sir?

You wanna lock her in an asylum like it's the 1950s

instead of helping her, sir? No!

STIFLED LAUGHTER

Done a course. Oh, you had to do a course?

Because of your 1950s attitude, sir?

No! Just... Just try to get better quickly, please.

But also in your own time.

Your recovery is the most important thing, so... Hm.

But also, it is opening night on Wednesday, so...

Hey!

Are you actually all right, though, girl? I'm fine.

Where is it? Your self-respect?

It's long gone, that, lad. My mum's wedding ring!

I still find it mad that she was from Liverpool

but managed to produce such a floppy-haired, posh meff.

Nobody else has been in my room! I know you're frustrated, lad,

but you might get a bird in there one day.

You were the only person that knew where I kept it!

Maybe Pat knew?

Don't rule her out, she's desperate for cash.

She offered herself sexually to me.

We couldn't agree on a price, though,

cos, you see, I wanted a kiss on the lips,

but she was worried such a degree of intimacy

might turn us into a relationship.

It's not funny! You know how much that ring means to me.

Oh, my God! Is that what you think of me?

What do you want me to think when you do this?

I stuck my neck on the line for you.

Do you think anyone would have been mates

with such a posh prick without me? Oh, thank you so much, Reece!

Oh, here, take my watch, too, as long as we can still be mates!

I could never be mates with someone like you.

It was never gonna work, lad. Like Vardys and Rooneys.

Scousers and Mancs.

Normal lads and posh helmets like you!

Get on the other side of the road, you muppet!

I'm a bellend.

Don't you mean "I'm a complete bellend"?

Aimee.

Morris.

What will she do?

Worry about what the dickheads think of her?

Or show them the amazing actress she really is?

Will there be dirty looks from those watching?

Probably.

Or will she give a stunning performance?

Definitely. SHE CHUCKLES

Oh, Aims, I always know when you're not all right.

We know the truth, so who cares what everyone else thinks?

Don't hide. Just do this for you.

Or option two, I'll just make a TikTok video

slagging everyone off, and I will destroy lives.

Takes the heat off you, innit? I think I'll stick with option one.

OK, but option two's always there if you do change your mind, girl.

THEY CHUCKLE

I'm passing the phone to the boy

who's the face of the Stop The Boats campaign.

I'm passing the phone to the lad who's so posh,

he thinks he has to apologise for British colonisation.

I am so sorry for my ancestors' behaviour.

I'm passing the phone to the lad who, unlike me,

can't tell the difference between a dessert spoon or a teaspoon.

I'm passing the phone to the lad who, when he was 12,

got caught by his auntie wanking to Jasmine off Aladdin.

THEY LAUGH What's funny?

BOYS: # A whole new world!

# A new fantastic point of view! #

THEY LAUGH

Nah, Tyreece got us doing the pass-the-phone challenge.

Oh, sound. Let's go again.

I pass the phone... We're finished with that now, lad.

Yeah.

I've gotta go for my tea anyway. Lad, you are sick!

THEY LAUGH

Ah! Come on, Ted.

Can I come yours, Ted? See you in a bit, lad.

Oh, nice one, man.

I'll see you in a bit, lad, yeah? Sound, yeah.

They new webs, lad?

Yeah, I treated myself. I've endured a very stressful time recently.

Haven't you just been on a skiing trip?

Two-hour delay on the way back, lad.

Is that a new jacket?

What, you like it? It's like yours but a better version.

You took his ring, didn't you? What did you do, pawn it?

It was worth 500 quid! Buzzing.

Lad, it was his mum's ring. She died.

Well, that's bang on, that is, innit,

but a ring's not gonna bring her back.

Didn't you used to wear Grandad's ring when he died? Yeah, used to.

I sold it for 50 quid.

Acceptance, mate. One of the stages of grief.

Well, lad, he thinks it was me. So we're taking your stuff back.

Nah, are we fuck! I'm well within my rights to have all this stuff.

He probably gets new clobber every week.

He's not as rich as you think he is. Why do you think he's here?

Yeah, well, he defo thinks he's better than us. No, he doesn't.

Are you two bezzies or something?

Oh! I thought I seen you two giving each other the eyes,

the pre-bum eyes.

Are you mad? You're on a caution.

Aw. Reckon he's gonna make you wear a condom tonight now, lad?

Lad, I'm being serious!

Look, are we just gonna sit back and let the rich get richer? "We"?

Isn't your ma some marketing manager?

Deputy marketing manager!

And what are you bringing that up for?

You know she was in bits when she didn't get it.

How much is left? About 250.

But I was planning a little a la carte dining session

at Bella Italia, on me, if you want, lad?

Nah. You're giving it to me.

Cos then I've gotta find another 250 quid to buy it back for him.

Yeah. You probably need a bit more on top of that, like.

It's how the pawn shop makes their money.

Yeah, I know, lad.

Hey, Mum. Jesus wept.

Any chance I could borrow 300 quid? Oh, yeah!

Hang on a minute, here y'are.

Here!

What the fuck do you want 300 quid for?

Sixth formers only, dickhead. I've got the buy-in.

But I'm offering you a first-look deal

on coming round for my ma's teas for two months,

no Mo or Ted.

It's an enticing offer...

Erm, I accidentally broke Ted's laptop,

and he said I need to buy him a new one.

Ted, babe! Come here.

# Money talks, mm-hm... # HE SIGHS

# Money talks... #

300 quid, I'm gonna need a nude. You what?

Yeah? Come here.

TED GASPS Listen, you. Accidents happen.

Like I could accidently bury your head in this bolognese sauce.

Mum?

Do you feel me? Yeah!

# Money talks... #

GIRL: Vile.

BOY: Fuck off, lad.

Say hi to your ma. Any need for that?

Fixed it.

How am I gonna get a nude off my own ma?

That's your problem, mate.

# Money talks, mm-hm Money talks... #

BOY: Gutted!

MIA-LOUISE: 'Ah, you're gonna be amazing tonight, girl.'

Are you sure it's gonna be OK?

'Trust me, you're gonna absolutely smash it

'cos you're my little Janet Jackson.'

Glenda Jackson. 'Oh.

'Anyways, I'd better finish my make-up.

'I'll see you soon, and don't worry, girl.'

Thanks, girl. I'll see you later.

Dad! I'm going now.

SHE SIGHS Dickhead!

DIALLING TONE Where is she?

Sir, she's coming! Chill your boots.

VOICEMAIL: 'I'm sorry, but the person you called is not available.'

Sitting off in a pub? Is she having a laugh?

Aw. It's not surprising.

Poor girl's got issues.

Let's just hope she doesn't turn into a drunkard.

Hey... did you just hear that?

The gimp who hacked Aimee's TikTok

called Lucy Gill a drunkard in the video. So?

Well, not many people in this school would use that word, love.

They'd just say, "Pisshead, her, like."

Hey... Grace.

Do you know, it looks like you're right, girl.

Aims has got issues, and she's let us down.

Mr Dunn's asked, would you stand in and be our Juliet?

Oh! Oh, my God!

I will, for all of us.

Nice one. Hey, do you want me to take a pic of you?

Aw, our new Juliet.

Hey! Excuse me, what are you doing?

LOCK CLICKS Give me my phone back!

MUFFLED: Excuse me! This is illegal, you know!

AUTOMATED VOICE: '..dad is in prison

'and her mum is a drunkard crackhead...' Eeh!

..but the most tragic thing about her is...' Oh, watch what happens!

Hey! It was you!

The video's on your phone, you little scruff!

She's completely just made that up! Another one lost the plot.

You coming to get her, posh bellend?

I mean, I don't get it, but for some reason, she likes you.

I think I'm the last person she wants to see.

I mean, you are right, love, but she's only upset with you

because she likes you.

But, like, I really, really do not get what she sees in you.

Thanks.

HE LAUGHS, APPLAUSE

He's back! CHEERING

MAN: Bloody hell!

We don't see you for ages,

and you come back looking like death's door Elvis!

LAUGHTER

Aw, listen, I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm sorry I haven't been doing my regular slot for a while.

It's just... Well, I had a bit of bad news, to be honest with you.

AUDIENCE: Aww. Yeah.

I was diagnosed with primary progressive MS.

MAN: It's all right.

We had a Johnny Cash tribute in here. Amazing.

It's like being in the room with him.

LAUGHTER

WOMAN: And your act was getting quite a bit boring, mate.

Quite a bit boring, Barbara?

Well, no-one forces you to come, love!

LAUGHTER

Oh, do you know what?

One of you said to me there in the toilet,

"I thought you were dead, lad."

I'll be honest with you. Sometimes, it's felt like that.

MAN: So sorry, lad.

But see that beauty there? That's our Aimee.

She's been the strong one through all this, not me.

She sorted me some weed,

which, you know, really helps with the pain,

and... she, er... she even made me this walking cane.

But I refuse to use it because then it's like all this is real.

I wanna be the man of house and take care of her,

but now I've got these fears that my body's gonna let me down.

And I don't wanna let you down, love.

HE SOBS MAN: Oh, God, listen to him.

Right. Give me that.

I also got him the weed to make him sleepy,

because when he's awake, he does my head in.

LAUGHTER

Is there any need for you?

I've just been pouring my bloody heart out here! So?

Have you got any idea what it's like living with you?

Every time I try and help, he moans. Tell 'em all about that.

That's cos I don't want your help, love.

And I don't want to be helping you

off the bathroom floor at 4am cos you fell.

I wanna be helping Mia-Louise into bed at 4am

cos she's pissed out of her face after a boss night with me.

AUDIENCE: Oh! LAUGHTER

I don't want to be missing school because I'm walking around shops

looking for fennel seeds cos you can't shit.

LAUGHTER All right.

I wanna be in school, enjoying myself.

But I help you because I love you.

AUDIENCE: Aw. And this is our reality now.

So we need to deal with it together, the best that we can.

I get it, love, I do. I get it.

Look... can I have my hug now?

No. Oh!

Cos you can start with listening to me about using this cane.

Cane! Cane! Cane!

THEY CHANT: Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!

Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane! Cane!

All right! All right, OK, OK. Oh!

I'll give it a go.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey, it's not bad, that.

Getting Willy Wonka vibes, though.

WOMAN: Willy Wanker vibes! LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I love you.

What are youse doing here? Your dad's got M&S?

MS. M&S is Marks & Spencer. All right, smart arse.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that, Wayno, love.

Hey, come on. Tell me all about it. Mine's a vodka and Coke. A double.

You may have ruined your chance to be Juliet,

but if they're looking to cast a Scouse Florence Nightingale,

you're their girl.

Who's Florence Nightingale?

She was this nurse who, during... SHE CHUCKLES

Look, I'm sorry we doubted you about the TikTok video.

We found out it was Grace that hacked you.

I suppose it makes sense.

It's just, you were acting so strange.

Why didn't you say something?

It's not exactly the best conversation-starter, is it?

"Hey, my dad's got MS, and I have no idea how to handle it."

I don't know if there is a right way to handle it,

but you could try talking to me.

Do I have to? It's good to share.

Look, you know the only reason why I get away with being Romeo

is because you're so good,

you make me feel like I'm in the moment.

It's too late. The play has started.

There'll be other plays. Just promise me you'll do them.

I promise.

WAYNE: This one's for you, Barbie.

# Lord Almighty I feel my temperature rising... #

Come on, everybody! AS ELVIS: Uh-huh-huh.

LAUGHTER

PHONE CHIMES

I knew it was you. What's wrong with you? No, I can...

Reece, get out here! I've been looking for you, you slippery shite!

What were you doing on Monday, you thieving toerag?

Monday? I weren't doing anything on Monday. Really?

Because someone saw you scuttling back to our house

like the rat you are! What else have you stole?

Nothing! Mum, it wasn't me! I swear to God!

Then how come you're wearing the same jacket

as the lad on the CCTV footage? What CCTV?

The CCTV footage I've just had the fucking joy of watching

down the police station!

It's probably a coincidence!

I don't believe in coincidences, lad,

but I do believe in thieving gobshites!

No, Mum, you see... that's... that's... That's what?

That's what, Reece?

That's me, yeah.

Yeah, you look like that, lad,

because you've just humiliated me and our little family.

You're unbelievable.

Nice one. Proper grateful for that, lad.

I don't know why I do it, you know. I don't wanna hurt anyone.

I know, but you need to stop it, lad.

You're right, you know, lad.

Hey, look, as a thanks, let me get you a Domino's. With what money?

I've got my ma's credit card saved to my Google account.

Lad, you can't keep...

Just put some Chicken Kickers on there, lad.

'Oh, for fuck's sake, Mum!'

Yeah, well, good news travels fast, don't it?

Who told you?

Steph? Yeah, well, she's not one to be gossiping, is she?

I have not lost the dressing room, Mum!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

BOOING

This is going straight on TikTok.

From now on, don't come past this line, OK?

And keep YOUR ball on YOUR side!

VAR decision.

Er, still kicks the ball like a two-year-old.

VAR decision. Erm, backstabbing thief!

Knobhead!

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