Original subtitles

Your mum would've been so proud seeing you look so grown up.

So, so proud.

She knew you were special.

And this week, it's time to show the world, too.

THEY CACKLE

Oh, my God!

What the fuck's that?

Look at the state of this muppet!

Presenting Christopher Boniface Sixtus the Great Bellend!

Whoo! LAUGHTER

I'm not gonna lie.

You look like you're off to buy some slaves, lad. Oh, sir!

EXAGGERATED ACCENT: Me shine shoes, sir.

I qualified brain surgeon,

but Rishi say I need two jobs or they send me to Rwanda.

Please tell them this my second job, sir.

Please! Please!

Come 'ead.

It's careers week, boys.

This could be the first step to the job

you're gonna do for the rest of your lives.

Kind of important, don't you think? Why?

Why? Because your job gives you your purpose.

It's a part of your identity.

Lad, we're not like you. We don't think you job defines you.

TED GASPS There's Maccies Mike!

Oi! Mike!

Do us a Big Mac, you sweaty gherkin!

Ha-ha-ha!

# He shags gherkins

# He shags gherkins! #

THEY LAUGH

See you Friday, la!

Look, I don't need any muppets telling me what to do with my life.

I'm sorted. I'm starting a joinery apprenticeship soon as, lad.

Yeah, Philibert, think about it.

How many doors are there in the world?

There's always work.

And you can work in every country, because every country needs doors.

Doesn't matter how many doors there are, you know, Reece.

You'll never open one to find your dad.

MUSIC: 'Doorstep' by Silent-K

CACKLES

God, look at him.

Has he got no shame?

Hacks your TikTok and then just runs around laughing.

God, is there any point in this school

even having a careers week

when it's full of no-hope scruffs like him? Ha!

Imagine employers, like, actually looking at their CVs.

Name: Lewis Connolly.

Achievements: national record for most wanks in a day

and most scraps in a day.

Wow. Hobbies: hacking me best mate's TikTok. Eeh.

Straighteners. Aw, me ideal straightener

would defo be Vladimir Putin, and saying,

"I'm not racist, lad, but..."

THEY LAUGH Let me do one.

Erm... yeah, him.

Name? Mo Fassi.

Achievements? Erm, I can put my Goodfella's pizza

in the oven all by myself, without me ma's help.

Hobbies? Staying up till 3am

watching some fella on YouTube rate fried chicken.

THEY LAUGH

Anyways, girl, get you arse here. It's a big week for you.

'What are you doing?' Er, I'm just doin' me nails.

I'll be there in a bit.

'All right, love, I'll see you soon.'

SOFTLY: Dad.

Dad! HE SNORES

I swear, I wasn't there!

Is it fair to say, Mr Duffy,

that you frequent that area most evenings?

Yeah, but I wasn't there that evening.

Is it correct, Mr Duffy, that your previous conviction was for theft?

That was the biggest mistake of me life, and I paid the price.

I don't even get to see me kids any more.

HE SOBS

Oh, I'm sorry, Reece, I didn't mean to hit a raw nerve.

LAUGHTER

OK. Very clever.

That was an example of a cross-examination.

My name's Lorna, I'm a barrister,

and I think it's great you're all getting enthused about law

as this week, we'll be staging a mock trial,

and my chambers would like to offer a mini-pupillage

to the student that shows the most potential

for a career in the legal profession.

What's a mini-pupillage?

Connor's nickname for his tiny cock. LAUGHTER

It's a short work experience placement

where you'll shadow myself and attend court hearings.

You should defo pick me, Miss,

cos I am dead good at just looking at someone

and knowing whether they're a perv.

You wouldn't even need to take it to trial.

I'll bear that in mind. Thank you...?

Mia-Louise Turner.

Thank you, Mia-Louise.

OK, I have your answers here

to the legal question we posed last week.

Barry has been charged with manslaughter

after an altercation with his friend Terry

ended with Terry falling and striking his head,

causing his death.

How would you advise Barry?

A lot of you gave general advice to Barry,

when the question meant legal advice.

"Change your name. Nobody's called Barry any more."

"I heard it was a sex game gone wrong."

LAUGHTER

"Have you got Terry's missus' number?

"She's on the market, and I heard she's a stunner."

But me two favourite answers were Christopher,

who advised, "He should plead guilty to involuntary manslaughter

"for a reduced sentence,"

and Reece, who took a more unorthodox approach

and said, "Bazza should say he was sleepwalking."

I got the idea when Connor stayed at mine.

I punched him in the head in the night

and said I was sleepwalking.

He believed me! Classic automatism.

Very good, Reece.

Automatism is indeed a valid legal defence.

So, well done to Christopher,

who will be the prosecuting barrister,

and Reece, who will defend.

This is the mock trial we'll be getting our teeth into...

Er, Miss? Are you messing?

Who cares whether Benjamin had his bike stolen?

He's about 30 and still wearing those shorts?

Nonce territory, that, Miss.

Yeah, can't we do something more interesting, like?

We should trial Lewis for hacking Aimee's TikTok

and posting a video slagging off girls in the school,

so everyone thinks she posted it.

ROBOT VOICE: Freya Moore's dad is in prison,

and her mum is a drunkard crackhead,

but the most tragic thing about her is still that shocking unibrow.

And he's still denying it, the rat. CLAMOUR

All right, that. He's bang out of order.

OK, OK.

This is clearly a passionate issue dear to all your hearts.

Let's do it. Lewis is in the mud!

Mudded!

CHEERING

Wealth.

What does it do?

Does wealth define dreams?

Or do dreams define wealth?

This door won't open.

It's locked!

Inequality within the acting profession.

Glass ceiling?

Don't you mean class ceiling?

Eeh.

Oh, I'm a bellend.

Don't you mean, I'm a complete bellend?

APPLAUSE

That was a little piece that I wrote about how access and success

within the British acting profession

is increasingly dominated by those from privileged class origins.

But I wanna change that.

I wanna show you how to unlock that door.

Yeah? I just wanna say, I loved your use of stage proxemics.

It really helped emphasise the points of tension.

Thank you very much. What's your name?

Grace.

In Greek mythology, it means charm, beauty and fertility.

Well, you're obviously a very knowledgeable young lady, Grace.

Thanks. I go to an evening drama school,

and we cover a lot of the techniques there.

Fantastic.

So, who else, like our Grace here, has the drive to become an actor?

Me. My dream is to become the first person from Merseyside

to win an Oscar since Glenda Jackson in 1973.

LAUGHTER

Eeh, why are youse laughing? Eh, it's called ambition.

Yeah, but you also need hard work

to go along with that blind ambition.

So, what do you do to really push yourself?

I do drama GCSE.

Well, if you really want that Oscar,

maybe you should be doing more, like our Grace here.

So, the school has asked me to do an acting masterclass this week,

but I'm also casting for an indie film project

about young, working-class kids growing up in Liverpool.

But I thought you were a fancy film director?

No, I'm a casting director,

so I choose the right actors for the films.

Oh, that sounds easy, that.

"You, you're good. Be in that."

I want to cast the female lead locally,

so I'll be visiting a few schools over the next few weeks,

and I'll invite the best from each school to a casting day.

Why don't you just be a real director instead?

Er, it's not exactly as easy as all that.

So, if you're interested,

auditions will be held Wednesday afternoon.

Let's get rehearsing!

What are you having a go at him for? Come on, it was funny.

You do realise he's gonna cast someone for an actual film?

It would kinda help if he liked me.

All right, well, what's got into you?

And why did you say about putting Lewis on trial?

Er, what do you mean? I was trying to help you!

Rehearsals are where the real hard work happens.

They'll either darken your performance or...

light it up.

Good luck, my learned friend! Me name's Reece, mate, not Leonard.

May the best man win.

May the man with the poshest voice win, you mean.

Oh, come on! You belong in the courtroom too.

Putting in the doors! LAUGHS

Lad, you're obsessed, you, aren't you?

Don't get so busy making a living

that you forget to live your life, yeah?

See you in court!

MUSIC: 'Black Betty' by Ram Jam

I'm gonna cross-examine these bad boys.

SNIFFS

Yeah, that's the one! That's it.

That's it. That is it, lad. DOOR OPENS

Seriously, Reece?

'Are you messing, lad?'

It's gotta be Fowler, dickhead.

He was nicer looking. Yeah, he's nicer looking.

GROANING

Good luck.

Looks like you've got a bowl of Koka noodles on your head, lad.

I just look professional. At least I make an effort.

Order!

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

JEERING

GIRL: Look at the state of him!

What, then? What? What?

Tell me! LORNA: Lewis.

We go way back!

She's the one that got me off

when I was accused of smashing a motorbike up.

She is a superb barrister. That's very kind, thank you.

And I 100% did it as well, so she's very good, like.

OK, Christopher, are you ready for your opening statement?

Members of the jury, this case is simple.

It is about an angry man who sought revenge.

And when he remembered his ex-girlfriend

doesn't use two-step authentication on her TikTok account,

he saw his chance to strike! GASPS

Miss Aimee Morris is a kind, passionate,

driven young woman,

and hacking into her account and posting a defamatory video

was a deliberate attempt to sabotage that reputation

and paint her as a villain.

But you will hear evidence during this case

that proves the only villain here...

is Mr Lewis Connolly. Nah.

JEERING I'm no villain, me.

If any of youse reckon I'm guilty, yeah,

I'll bring your mas here to the court and shag them.

And even if you say, "Objection," I'll keep shagging them.

JEERING

Order!

Reece, do you actually have an opening statement?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Members of the jury, would you please?

ALL CHANT: Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!

Lads, you need to take this seriously!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!

Order! Order!

Would you say Lewis was bitter about you breaking up with him?

So bitter that he sought revenge?

Defo. He used to write me these weird love poems.

For the purpose of the court, Mr Connolly,

can you please read out the evidence as presented?

A...

is for "amazing tits".

Vile.

I...

is for "interesting arse".

And he wonders why I left him. M...

..is for "marvellous fanny".

GIRL: Ugh! E...

..is for "excited to eat you out".

Knocks me sick. E...

..is for "eating you out".

BOY: Ugh! Hang on!

He stole that from a John Keates poem!

ALL: Who?

Miss Morris, could you please look at this?

ALL CHANT: Let's all do the beach, man!

Let's all do the beach, man!

Nah, nah, nah, nah! Order in the court!

Members of the jury,

I hired an online sleuth to obtain the IP address

of where the TikTok post originated.

What the fuck's a sleuth?

And this is the e-mail I received which states

that the IP address matches a computer in the school library.

So? Who cares?

OK, well, wait for this.

We have an eyewitness statement that says they saw Mr Connolly

using that same computer on Friday at 12:29.

What is he on about? Who cares?

The TikTok post was made at 12:31!

GASPS

CLAMOUR

You're finished.

Lad, I need your help. I didn't do it.

Behave, lad. Look, like, that poem, yeah?

I just wanted her to know I was hurting because...

..it kills me that I love her

and she doesn't feel the same about me.

Please?

If you get me off, no more dad jokes.

OK, OK, maybe down to, like, one a month.

I'll make a conscious shift from quantity to quality.

Swear down.

Can someone get back to me and tell me why it's been moved?

He's not going through another two weeks of hell.

WAILING

Give me the drugs!

Cor, this dickhead and his torches.

Don't make me shoot my own brother!

WHIMPERS

APPLAUSE

And that was completely improvised because in acting,

sometimes you have to think on your feet.

Do you know, it actually felt really real, Sir.

Like, me dad killed his brother just last week for drugs.

And the street name for all drugs these days is just "drugs".

Saves all the confusion.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Let's do some improv situations.

I'll set you in pairs,

and you can use this torch as a creative prop

to help inspire the scene.

Welcome to the Socially "In just this" podcast.

This week, we're discussing white privilege.

My guest today is Mia-Louise.

Good afternoon. Er...

you're white privilege, girl, for saying "good afternoon"

just cos white people have generally had good afternoons.

What about Black people and slavery?

They weren't good afternoons, were they?

So, according to our records, you've been unemployed

and on Universal Credit for two years since leaving school.

How's that job search going?

I'm sure there's something out there for me. Hmm.

Hm.

What is white privilege?

How do we define it?

Er, is it a young white girl who thinks she's interesting enough

to have her own podcast and then constantly emails everyone about it?

I've found a cleaning job here at Asda.

Would you be interested?

Nothing against cleaning, but I'd like to do something

in the entertainment industry.

Oh, my God, the host of the podcast has just been arrested live on air.

For a violent racial hate crime. On a woman.

Who was also a refugee!

Then she's burnt the Pride flag, and she's even chopped down a tree!

But sometimes you have to be a bit more realistic

with our careers.

You know, we can't waste our lives chasing an unrealistic dream

with nothing to fall back on. PHONE BUZZING

For example, you try to make it as a singer, fail

and end up becoming a bad Elvis impersonator

who can't support his family.

Shut up, you stupid, pouty bitch!

GASPS

Exceptional, Grace.

The conflict really helped imbue the scene with emotion.

I'll see you guys tomorrow, at 1pm sharp, for the auditions.

Thanks for calling me back. WOMAN: 'How's tomorrow?'

Tomorrow is great. What time? '1pm?

'Love?' Yeah.

Yeah, that's OK.

Calling a hit on Grace?

My first was tough too, but sometimes it has to be done.

Don't worry.

You're gonna do great in the audition.

And tomorrow this whole school's going to know what Lewis did to you.

Hello there. I'm so sorry, can I cancel that hit?

Yeah, this posh divvy's making me feel a lot better.

OK, thank you. Take care, bye-bye!

CHATTER

Order!

In the absence of the defending barrister,

and on the charge of Lewis Connolly

hacking me mate's TikTok and generally being a bad ming,

how do we find him?

Stop! GASPS

The defence has some new evidence it would like to share with the jury.

My "Leonard" friend said

that Mr Connolly was last seen on said computer at 12:29.

And he's right, he was.

What are you playing at, lad?

But he wasn't on Aimee's TikTok.

He was printing materials off for his big lunchtime wank,

cos everybody knows he's not a good mind wanker.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT Lewis then took these materials

and enjoyed his lunchtime wank in the bog.

Now, ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

can you help me with a question?

What time did my "Leonard" friend

say the TikTok post was made?

12:31.

Thank you for your assistance.

Now, as we all know,

Meachy likes to keep a close eye on us.

So, here we have Friday's CCTV footage

of the south corridor,

where you will now see Mr Connolly

leaving the bogs in post-nut clarity bliss.

BOY: Dirty bastard. GIRL: Vile.

Now, I know what youse are thinking, ladies and gentlemen.

Lewis was on the computer at 12:29.

He printed his materials, posted the TikTok at 12:31,

then went for his elite lunchtime wank.

Except he didn't.

Because the time here is 12:32!

GASPS I didn't post it!

I therefore put to you

that Mr Connolly was actually wankin'

at the time in question.

GASPS Oh, and also,

he's a rapid wanker too.

Get in!

TEARFULLY: Thank you so much. I didn't post it.

Y-You do believe me, don't you?

I know we've never been the best of mates, but...

Oh, my God, you don't.

TED: Oh, my God. She did it.

Thank you, son. It's OK.

Reece.

Could you come by our chambers after school

to sort out the paperwork, meet your fellow cohorts?

CHANTING: Reece! Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece! CHEERING

Aims? Where you going?

Wahey-hey! Come on!

THEY CHEER Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And when CCTV caught me putting six school laptops in me car,

Meachy deepfaked it, lad.

I'm innocent! Come on! CHEERING

Come on!

MUSIC: 'Dancing Girl' by Terry Callier

# I saw a dream last night

# Bright like a falling star... #

Is she not coming?

# And the sources of light,

# Seemed so near... #

'Ere.

# Yet so far... #

CASTING DIRECTOR: Right, next we have...

Grace.

Eeh, why is she dressed like Aims?

I'll fucking hit her.

Thanks for coming in, Aimee.

As I was saying to your father, we've analysed the MRI scan results.

Unfortunately, it has confirmed areas of lesions in the brain.

I'll be OK.

The cost-of-living crises

has brought you to the bones of your arse,

and now you've just been fired.

You can't do that!

It's humiliating as it is,

having to rely on charities for toothpaste and bog roll.

I have a kid, and her da does nothing.

I'm on me own.

Please!

# Each of us is born alone... #

Look...

we knew it was coming, didn't we?

'Ey?

Just think, the shaky legs will help with me Elvis routine.

Come on.

# Well, welcome to The twilight zone... #

Right, I'm doing me audition,

but I'm doing an improvised monologue that fits the character.

Aimee, you're too late. I have to get my train.

What do you do when you feel like you're drowning?

When you go from being a kid

to suddenly having to deal with heartbreak,

misery, anger?

They don't teach you that in school, do they?

They act like...

as long as you study hard, you'll be happy.

What they don't say is, one day...

..you might get bad news...

that makes you feel like you've been thrown

into a deep hole of despair.

When you're a kid,

there is no problem that your parents can't solve.

They're indestructible.

And then you get older...

..and it's devastating to realise that they aren't.

Maybe that's why no-one prepares you for being an adult.

Because they're still not prepared.

Maybe nothing can prepare you.

That was good, Aimee. Very good.

But you know what? I just can't rely on you.

You're late, you're irritable,

and quite frankly, you're trouble,

and people don't like working with trouble.

Grace... I'll see you in London.

'Ey, Jenson!

I looked you up on LinkedIn. Yeah.

You from around here, are you? You're a fraud.

You're a joke, mate. This whole school's a joke!

It's full of bad gimps! GASPS, JEERS

You can all fuck off, mate!

Aims, what's goin' on?

All right, soft lad?

Where've you been?

The fella from your law placement called me.

He said you did a runner.

I told him you better had the shits or I'll kill you.

I've put it on Instagram, Reece!

"Hashtag so proud. Hashtag lawyer in the family.

"Hashtag not the accused this time."

I know, Mum. I saw the 50 hashtags.

Then what the fuck happened?

There was this lad there called Remington.

Some girl called Persephone. She was quite fit.

But they were speaking about Villa versus someone in 2018.

I thought they were speaking about an FA Cup game,

but it turns out they were speaking about some legal case,

a guy called Villa.

I felt like a tit, Mum.

So I just left.

Can't say I blame you.

Look, I'm not gonna force you to go back if you don't want to, OK?

But I can't let you swerve it cos you don't think you're good enough.

Fuck Persephone!

You've got just as much right to be there as any of them have, son.

You've just gotta start believing it, OK?

OK.

Your tea's inside.

Persephone!

"Hashtag so proud?"

I got you a gift to say well done for winning the case.

For when you start your joinery apprenticeship.

You mean to say sorry cos you thought you were gonna win easily?

What? No. I gave you that impression on purpose to help motivate you,

and it worked.

All right, lad. I would never assume anything!

I'm not that entitled.

Eurgh, my shoes are so dirty. Where is he?

WHISTLES

No, no, no, no, no.

Now I'm the boss.

WHISTLES

Now mighty Mo runs biggest shoeshine company

in whole of Merseyside.

We shine shoes, sir!

Yalla, yalla. Hey! Curly haired boy!

Quicker! Quicker! LAUGHTER

# You don't have to take this crap

# You don't have to sit back And relax

# You can actually try changing it

# I know we're gonna try To make this work

# Or spend your days Down in the dirt

# You see, things can change

# Walls can come tumbling down

# Governments crack and systems fall

# Cos unity is powerful # Oh, lights go out... #

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