Original subtitles

Feel like you're holding back, mate.

If we're gonna put this online, we're gonna need more from you.

Like more arrogance in your face.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's it. That's it.

CHEERING

FOOTBALL COMMENTARY PLAYS

BOOING

'Who's that?'

It's just the morons outside. They think they're funny,

making my grandma do random things, then they put it on TikTok.

"Scounsenancausingmayhem" or something.

'That's your nan? No way! Are they live now?'

CHEERING

WHOOPING

Did I miss the Ronaldo? Siuuuu!

Hey, great shout with the shirt off, Pat.

You absolutely smashed it. Completely silenced the Bernabeu.

Last one now, eh, boys?

THEY LAUGH She doesn't like you.

'Ooh, what's she gonna do now?'

COMMENTARY CONTINUES

CHEERING

You said you were gonna get me free bingo tickets.

I did. I got you them for last Saturday, lad!

You know I go to Angie's tango class on a Saturday. You know that, Reece.

LAUGHING

That's heavy, that, lad.

Lingering beef about that quid I took for going the shop for her!

Let me do one. Let me do one.

If I was a professional,

my trademark celebration would be running into the crowd,

putting me face right into Reece's ma's arse

and while I am in there, pointing to the heavens.

CHEERS

Hi, everyone. Oh, here we go!

Sorry to disturb your lunchbreak, but I have sent out an email

because it's National Diversity and Inclusion Week.

When's it gonna be you leave us alone week?

I don't care if a Jaffa Cake identifies as a cake.

Belongs in the biscuit tin.

Mr Meacher and I have set up a homework task.

You need to pair yourselves up with someone who is your opposite

and experience their lives over the next few days.

Just sit down, Brimble!

ALL CHANT: Sit down, Brimble.

Sit down, Brimble.

Sit down, Brimble. Sit down, Brimble.

On Wednesday... you will both do a presentation

in front of the whole school. GROANING

You'll speak about your differences and what common ground you found.

Diversity... No-one cares.

Embrace it. Share it.

Celebrate it. BOOING

And Mr Meacher is offering a £500 prize for the winning presentation.

CHEERING

Who would your opposite be?

Probably just someone really unpopular, like...

..like her.

God, you know, I can't be arsed with these presentations.

I'm just not gonna win, am I?

Oh, yous are so cute together.

Cheers, girl. And do you know what?

It doesn't matter that he doesn't speak English

cos I know exactly what he's saying through his eyes.

Like just then, he said, "I'm going for me lunch."

So, the Brimble just came up to you and asked to be partners?

Well, she asked us if I was a practising Muslim first.

I told her "na'am", which is "yeah" in Arabic.

You won't get away with that, lad. What do you mean?

Aw, we should be partners, mate. I could win this.

Diversity loves a gay. CHUCKLING

That's one of the most beautifully tolerant things

you've ever said to me. Thank you. Knob!

I'm fuming. How am I supposed to show my acting skills

when this is who I'm put with?

Smoked someone the other day. A Manchester United fan?

Oh, yeah, fucking scruff. Divvy.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo. Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Oh, sorry, he's just finishing Pro Clubs on FIFA.

Do you know, I feel for you, girl.

Cos you know, me and Ziad,

we were practising our audition this morning,

and you can proper get in the zone with the right partner.

Sir, me and Ziad, we're gonna audition next.

Now, he is from Libya, so he doesn't speak English,

so we're gonna do, like, a non-verbal audition.

Well, that's not gonna work. Why?

Are you racist against people who don't speak English, sir?

Are you a big, bad Nazi, are you, sir?

Why do you look so guilty, sir?

We... Get your kit off.

Show us you haven't got a swastika tattoo, sir.

Erm... Ziad, in no way did I intend...

Sir, he doesn't speak English.

Oh, now you're just a patronising racist!

Come on, Ziad, let's prove to the racists

that we can show Romeo and Juliet's connection without language.

Sorry.

# Baby, I'm

# Dancing in the dark

# With you between my arms... #

Down.

OK. SHE GROANS

No.

SHE GROANS

SHE SIGHS

SHE MOANS LOUDLY

Thank you.

IN ARABIC:

Lucky bastard!

BUZZING

Dad, I'm bringing this girl over,

but I kinda told her I was a proper Muslim

so I could do this opposites homework with her.

Astaghfirullah! I tell you never to bring evil white girl

to this house, Mohammed. Dad, I'm being serious.

We need to be Muslim. I don't care how serious you are.

Your grandad's been trying to get you in a mosque for years.

Now some girl comes along, and you wanna pretend to be Muslim.

Are you having a laugh?

All right. Son, what's this girl like?

Two words, Mum - su-perb. That's one word.

And we're celebrating Eid "al-Hadda".

Adha.

Adha. Yeah, Dad, are you gonna help?

'Yeah. Go on, then.' Sound.

So, like, I know you're gay,

but surely if that bird who played Wonder Woman wanted you,

you obviously would?

Oh, yeah, I'd completely abandon

me whole genetic and hormonal make-up for her. Yeah.

I thought so, mate. She's fit, isn't she? Yeah.

You see, what's good is you're gonna get to experience

a progressive, modern-day Muslim family.

I mean, sometimes you wouldn't even guess we're Muslim. Yeah. Wow.

They're here. Press play. MUSIC

Astaghfirullah! SPEAKS IN ARABIC

You are a disgrace!

I shall never forgive you. Dad!

Eid Mubarak.

Apologies for my wife's behaviour. Er, she is practising seclusion

from public observation and had the audacity to show her feet.

I still see your toeys.

Dad, it's Eid, and women celebrate with us. Remember?

You're right. She may join us for five minutes.

Mum!

NOISE FROM PHONE

I thought you wanted me to teach you how to be more earnest in life?

I am earnest, me.

Today, I taught Miss Prescott that if she had an OnlyFans,

I'd defo subscribe. But I actually wanna do this task.

Why, when you've already made your mind up about me?

So just put a slide up saying,

"The difference between me and Reece in ten years."

Then photoshop a pic of you in a suit with a £50 note,

snorting cocaine off Jacob Rees-Mogg's bum cheeks.

Then me, in a pair of Reebok Classics, looking chavtastic,

standing outside the job centre with me 13 kids.

WOMAN: Christopher, I'm home. HE PLAYS PORN ON PHONE

What are you doing that for?

You don't seem to care about doing any work.

Are you even going to uni or is that a bit too grown-up for you?

Lad, I'm starting a joinery apprenticeship as soon as.

I'll be earning a decent wage for a nice house

whilst you're sucking off the manager of Lidl,

desperate for a job cos you're 50 grand in debt after uni.

Then who'll be the grown-up one? Christopher!

TURNS THE VOLUME UP What are you doing that for?

I don't know. It's funny, innit?

I just want her to think that we're shagging.

Turn it off!

What are you doing? Get off me top!

Come 'ead!

OPERA MUSIC

MOANING FROM PHONE

GROANING FROM PHONE

You boys are certainly throwing yourselves

into this get to know each other homework.

Soz, Pat. Chrissy's a bit of a squealer.

SQUEALS

It is great that you all eat from the same plate.

It's uniquely intimate. So bonding.

I have something for you. Oh!

SHE LAUGHS

Erm...

Mohammed, why is she looking so confused, huh? Is she not happy?

You said the mahr for the marriage had been agreed.

Yeah. Dad!

It's such an honour to welcome you to our family,

you know, as my future daughter-in-law.

Sorry, what? That's not...

He's always wanted to control the woman.

You have. You have.

Remember when you were a little boy? You used to take that Barbie.

He'd say, "You're my wife.

"You're my wife, and I'm gonna hide your passport,

"tie you to a radiator." It was so cute. It was so funny.

You can't say that!

Sorry, I think there's been a misunderstanding.

I am not here to be Mo's wife.

I-I am here to learn about your religion.

Yes, Mum, she's here to learn. Apologies.

Would you please excuse him, just while he prepares the main course?

Dad... Mm!

BLEATING

What's he playing at?

We will now begin our Eid Qurbani celebration.

The ritual slaughter of a goat.

Would our guest of honour... like to perform the sacrifice?

Erm... No, I respect your religion, but I would rather not.

Well, then, Cutthroat Mo takes the reins again.

That's what we call him cos when he was five, he was a natural,

real thirst for blood.

Hm, so murderous.

Mum. Dad, that is no longer a tradition we follow.

Dad!

Just... Yeah, just give me a second. Sorry.

LAUGHING, BLEATING

Yous aren't funny!

Cutthroat Mo strikes again.

Sir, why are you only seeing lads and girls audition?

Are you a homophobe as well as a racist?

Romeo and Ricardo for the win.

Ted makes a great point,

and we need to be more inclusive with the languages for Ziad.

I've popped an Arabic translation I found in the WhatsApp group.

Maybe Mo and Ziad would like to audition as a pair?

Erm... Yeah. Sound.

IN ARABIC:

Yeah.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Classic Shakespeare.

Conflict... to resolution. Fantastic, boys.

Oh, there you are, mate. Listen, I really need your help.

Reckon you've got any pictures of Pat when she was younger?

Cos I'm seeing hallmarks of a decent bum, you know.

I'm only messing.

Though if you had any, I'd probably wanna look out of curiosity.

But anyway, you know Reece's ma?

That really shy and retiring woman?

Yeah. She came onto me. No, she didn't.

Mate, swear down. We were in the canteen, brought me over Alphabites,

gave me a wink and I looked at them and I realised,

if I moved them round, it spelt out, "I want you, Con."

I had to use the "O" more than once,

but that's just a mistake on her part.

That wasn't a coincidence. There's a lot of things that could spell.

No, mate, secret code.

SIGHS

Proper torn now, lad. Cos it's banter.

But it's not banter because... I wanna do it.

Just, Reece is me mate.

You should go for it.

Well, if this week at school has taught us anything,

it's to be your authentic self, and people should accept that.

Yeah. And my authentic self wants his head right up Jodie's arse.

Nice one, lad. I'll see you later.

Aye, pilgrim, lips that they must use in prayer.

Oh, then, dear saint, let lips do what hands do.

Saints do not move, though grant for prayers' sake.

Then move not while my prayer's effect I take.

Nah, no, I'm not havin' this, me. Right in me face like that.

I'm back tomorrow. You're dead, you sweaty lizard.

Oi, you liar! What's all this about? Gold star English student.

HE SPEAKS ENGLISH WORDS SLOWLY

Aims found it on your Facebook. Look...

Oh, my God, he's still pretending.

And here's me telling Aims we don't need to vet you

cos I know you'll pass.

I vetted you anyway because she's my mate,

and something about you is dodgy.

In a non-racist way.

We did the usual background check of all your socials for any scandals,

looking at your internet history to make sure

you're not a perv and no naughty shoes.

And you only just passed that one, by the way.

You've been added, lad.

Yeah, you have. So, don't you ever speak

to either of us again in English...

..or with your sexy brown eyes. Mia-Louise!

SPEAKS ARABIC

Come back. Still pretending!

So, what was Reece like as a kid?

He struggled.

Wasn't his fault. He had a lot to deal with.

We didn't have any heating.

Sometimes, the only food we could afford was 9p Netto beans.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes, I had to send him out into the street to steal

other people's hubcaps and... when we were really desperate...

I had to shove him through people's cat flaps,

to break into their houses. He was only four years old.

HE SIGHS

Well, I see now why he is the way he is.

I'm winding you up, soft arse.

Never mind what you see on the telly.

We're not all sitting round, eating crack out of a bin bag.

Look, I suppose you can say...

..that it's only ever been me and him.

So, I'm very proud... of the man that he's becoming.

Oi, oi, here he is. Here's that tenner, son.

Ah! Nice one, Mum.

Oh, so you can bend down?

Well, in that case, you can go and pick up your dirty plate

and put it in the dishwasher, lazy arse.

Right, I'm off to work. Give us that tenner back.

Nice one. G'wed. See you later. Love you. Love you.

I think it's really great you're so committed to your schoolwork.

Bet your mum would have been dead proud of you.

Hey, Connor came onto me ma last night.

Nah, it's not funny, lad. He told me you told him to do it.

He actually did it?

What did you say that to him for? I don't know. Funny, innit?

Nah, banter's funny. But nobody treats me ma like that.

Then be angry at him, not me. No, you should know better.

You're lucky if I even do this presentation later.

Though I suppose we can tell everyone

how we're so different, then, cos one of us is proper disrespectful.

APPLAUSE

Good afternoon to you all.

Here at Allsbrooke, we are proud to promote a school culture

that values diversity.

So, without further ado,

first up, we have Connor and Ted.

It's mad cos...

CHUCKLING

..I love girls' arses,

and he loves lads' arses, don't you?

Kieran and Lewis.

Our main differences are, he benches 270...

I bench 275.

And if you look, they're not really that different.

Mine and Kieran's common ground is we both generally love a good scrap.

We'll batter anyone who wants it and batter them again if needs be.

Just slightly different in shape.

So, maybe me and Ted aren't that different, either.

HE SOBS

APPLAUSE

But we're most similar... cos we're both humans,

and humans make mistakes.

I bet any one of them sound lads there on that picture made mistakes.

Will you?

BOY: Is that a pebble?

Lewis, are you messing?

It's not about the mistake.

I want someone that'll push me out of me comfort zone.

GIRL: She's had you off!

You're not me Romeo.

LAUGHTER

Fuck off!

CHANTING

I asked Mo's parents to tell me a Muslim prayer

because I wanted to share it with all of you today... What?

So, if you could please all join me in a call to Salah.

No, no... Which means prayer in Arabic.

# Sal-ah, la-la-la-la. #

Is this real? SHE CONTINUES SINGING

I can't believe he said that to her.

If he's good enough for you... he's good enough for me.

AUDIENCE: # Sitting in a mosque That's where I wanna be

# La-la-la-la-la

# If he's good enough for you He's good enough for me. #

OK. OK...

OK.

And now for the final pairing, we have Reece and Christopher.

There were many differences I experienced when being with Reece,

but in truth, I started to understand them.

I now understand that a family can abuse each other non-stop

but love each other very much.

And I think love was our common ground, a love for our mums.

LAUGHTER

You all laugh, but you love your parents, too.

It's just Reece has got the balls to show it.

He always sticks up for her, and he always defends her.

I remember a time I was out with my mum,

and... these idiots my age were... harassing her,

saying idiotic things about her...

and I did nothing.

So, I guess our biggest common ground was

our fondness for our mums.

I just wish I'd shown my fondness more.

Show your loved ones you care... before it's too late.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I think we have our winners. CHEERING

Lad, we're loaded!

Do you reckon we try and get tickets for the Liverpool game?

Good afternoon, everyone.

This... is the moment we've all been waiting for,

the moment we announce the cast of the school play.

You see here at Allsbrooke, character is destiny,

and playing the characters of Romeo and Juliet are...

Who-a-a-a-a!

..Aimee and Christopher. CHEERING

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east. And Mia-Louise is the sun.

Do one, you liar. I was afraid.

Look, when we first met, you assumed I didn't speak English,

and you seemed to like that about me,

so I played along because... cos you are so beautiful.

I-I wanted to tell you the truth,

but you kept talking about our eyes communicating.

I was afraid you'd think our connection wasn't real.

But it is. Because it's not about our mouths.

It's not even about our eyes.

It's about our hearts.

Well, just give me a sec, then.

PHONE PINGS

Pass the ball, lad. KNOCK ON DOOR

I found these on the kitchen table.

It's two tickets for Friday off Mo's ma.

You can take one of your bessies from Angie's tango class.

I wanna squash this beef, Pat.

I'm sick of always looking over me shoulder.

Oh, get in! 'What a goal!'

Siuuu!

Subtitles by accessibility@itv.com

Siuuu!

Siuuu!