Original subtitles

Whoa!

That's 14 minutes till your fucking bus, Reece.

Bang out of order!

Four shouts water rule!

What if I stay in bed now? What's the five shouts rule?

Fucking fire!

How am I supposed to go to school if I don't even have my uniform?!

I put it next to your fucking bed, Reece!

Oh. Thanks, Mum.

You're fucking welcome.

Go on. Oh, wait.

You forgot my kiss.

Hang on, what? We don't even do that.

You were gonna though, weren't you? Soft shite!

No, I weren't. You're off you head, you, you know.

Come here. Mwah!

Have a good day. Love you.

Love you.

MUSIC: 'Don't Sweat The Technique' by Eric B & Rakim

Oh, my God.

What's that?

Morning, Pat, lad.

# Don't sweat the technique

# Don't sweat the technique

# Let's trace the hints And check the file

# Let see who bit To detect the style

# I flip the script So they can't get foul

# At least not now It'll take a while

# I change the pace To complete the beat

# I drop the bass Till MCs get weak... #

Oh, there he is. Come on, lad! What's happening?

See you soon.

CHEERING

# Mo Salah, Mo Salah Made it on the bus. #

LAUGHTER

# MCs wanna beef Then I play for keeps

# When they sweat the technique. #

That's a tough one. Mm.

Mike Woodworth's.

Yeah, how'd you get that?

Kinda looks like him. LAUGHTER

You got 12 out of 15, girl. Go 'ead. LAUGHTER

What are you gonna do with them?

It's ammunition, innit? If they ever wind me up,

then I'm putting their tiny cocks on the Year 11 group chat.

LAUGHTER But if I'm just starving,

like today, I actually forgot to have my breakfast.

So I threatened Sevo unless he got me these.

LAUGHTER

Lads are so thick. Hm.

You ask, and they send within seconds.

We could make our own version of Guess Who?

Has your cock got FIFA in the background?

Hmm, has your cock got a wide base but a narrow head?

LAUGHTER

Hey, speaking of bell ends, who's this?

Looks like he's just tested positive

for defo getting his head caved in today.

That's that posh muppet from earlier.

Eh?

Dickhead.

Ooh! You're in trouble!

That was dead funny, yesterday.

Reckon she'll snitch, though? Nah.

Chinese people don't grass, lad. It's not part of the culture.

What I really need to know, Reece, is was it racially motivated?

YOU'RE racially motivated, lad.

The mouse was in Li Wei's pencil case.

Li Hua is in 11E.

So let's say we forget about all this expelling silliness,

and I'll say nothing to no-one about you being...

WHISPERS: ..the top dog for the Ku Klux Klan Woolton branch.

Sit down, Reece.

I get it. Practical jokes can be funny.

A friend of mine found images of me and his wife on my computer.

He was convinced that they were real,

but they were just photoshops.

Very real-looking photoshops.

Anyway, Reece,

this has been a continual pattern of poor behaviour,

and I can't ignore the complaints of the East Asian Society.

You what?

She's not even Asian!

We cannot, and we will not, stand by

while toxic western men like Reece Duffy

exhibit abhorrent behaviour aimed at our community.

SPEAKS MANDARIN

You gave me no choice, Reece. I've already informed your mother.

'You're gonna answer my FaceTime!

'Expelled?

'Are you fucking serious, gobshite?!

'You know, I've always thought I was doing a good job with you.

'I was determined I wasn't gonna let you be affected

'by your dad not being around, and with this,

'you're making me question whether I've been a good mother at all.'

Isn't it funny how we're mates,

but if your mum would let me bury my face in her arse,

I would without hesitation?

Isn't that weird?

I've never really thought about it, mate.

Would we really not be mates anymore?

We'd get through it.

I suppose, yeah, but...

I doubt you'd ever come round for tea again, though.

Nah. See, now, that's a problem,

cos your ma makes a sick pork casserole.

Oh, I'm gonna have to rethink.

All right, Wigbert, lad. All right, fucking Barnaby, lad.

Fucking Norman, lad.

Fucking Npeter with a silent "N" at the start.

Let me guess, then.

What, your sisters have hyphenated names

to try and sound posher? Like Ruby-Mae or Louise-Rose?

Ted, how does he know your little sister's name?

You'll get pasted, lad.

Wait, I need him. Paste him later.

Agree to everything I say to Mr Meacher. Yeah?

So, let me get this straight, Reece.

You are offering to look after Christopher here

as a kind of last chance saloon?

Well, I feel for him, being new.

Look at the state of him.

He looks so posh, like he doesn't just play rugby,

but he plays it with Prince William

constantly bumming him around the pitch.

I know that I can't do great things,

but I can do small things,

and if we all do small things,

then together we can do a great thing,

like Uncle Dale...

..and turn it around.

OK, Reece, then report back here on Friday at 9am.

If I'm happy and Christopher's happy,

we'll discuss you staying here.

Close the door on the way out.

So, what did we think of the character of Mr Darcy

at the beginning of the story?

Why are you worried about what we think about Mr Darcy, sir,

when our Lizzie is the sound one here

but nobody cares about her?

Do you not care about women, sir? Your wife left you

and now you hate women, sir? I'm not married or have been.

You're about 40 and never been married?

It's a bit dodgy, that, sir.

Unless you think you're too good for women, sir?

Think you're all that, do you, sir? Like all men do.

LAUGHTER

Erm, Con, are you messing?

I tricked you into sending me nudes

cos you thought I was gonna send you one back.

Even after the 50th nude, you still didn't click on.

Fifty, though?

Did you not think this ain't happening?

I thought a fresh angle might win her over.

And Reece, you defo think you're all that.

Didn't stop you from kissing us, though.

I was drunk. You'd only had one drink, though.

It was two years ago. You were fitter then.

Paedo, then.

OK, that's... that's enough.

So, Mr Darcy.

Nah, Mum.

Come on, I'll call social services and tell them you're starving me.

I've already spoken to them. I told them what you did.

They said to starve the little fucker.

I've got a plan.

I've agreed with Meachie to mentor this new kid.

Who the fuck are they gonna let you mentor?

Him there.

What, him, the lanky one?

Hiya, excuse me, hi.

Yeah, you.

Is our Reece mentoring you?

Er... er...

Oh, has he got a disability?

Is that why you've gotta mentor him?

No, Mum.

Oi, hiya, yeah, hiya.

Are you depressed?!

Is that why you're sat on your own? LAUGHTER

What's he going red for?

Oi, you wet fart! I asked you a question!

LAUGHTER

Good luck with mentoring that one. He's got no fucking manners.

Trust me, it's gonna work.

KNOCK AT WINDOW

HE MOUTHS

What the hell are you doing here?

I'm just helping you settle in. I don't need any help settling in.

KNOCK AT DOOR Christopher?

Some Viennetta, love. We don't always slum it here, you know.

Oh, sorry, I didn't know you were entertaining a guest.

I'll leave you two, to er, get to know each other.

Why did you take your shirt off?

Thought it'd be funny to make her think we're shagging. Christopher?

Would you like some juice?

Sorry, Pat, it's just Chrissy keeps insisting

I'll be more comfortable if I take my trousers off.

I don't get it. I'm not hot.

I didn't ask him to... We're not...

Chrissy, it's OK. Don't be embarrassed.

"The truth shall set you free." The Bible.

You should say the part of the Bible,

like "Matthew 8." Not just... SCOUSE: "The Bible."

That's a bit racist, that.

Christopher. Sorry!

I'll go get you both some juice. Give you more time to... you know.

CHRISTOPHER GROANS What are you doing here, then?

Is that Secret Millionaire show coming back for the posh kids?

Oh, well, if you must know, my mum died

and now I have to live here with my grandma.

Who calls them "grandma"?

"Ooh, Grandma, what big ears you have."

Nah, but yeah, lad, soz about your ma.

People always say they never think it'll happen to you,

but I think you do know it can happen to you.

But you can't live your whole life being worried.

Do you know what I mean?

You need to get out of this shitty room, lad.

I bet you haven't even been to Sweet Corner

and smashed in the pineapple and toffee cubes.

Are they a part of your five a day?

What do you watch on YouTube, lad?

Posh prick reacts to crushed avocado on toast?

What do you watch, huh?

Lazy chav reacts to lack of life opportunities?

BOTH STRAINING AND GRUNTING

Just put it in there, Chrissy!

Hey, Reece.

Lad... just seen this new caretaker outside, yeah?

And I know your ma says your da done a runner,

but he's got a massive snoz

and he walks like he's got a tiny cock.

You should ask him for a DNA test. LAUGHTER

Do you get it?

LAUGHTER

He's a knob, that little...

He's got too much tos-testerone.

That's why he's always kicking off,

and why he needs to have a wank seven times a day.

You what?

He has to wank seven times a day, just to function.

Seven? Swear.

And you know that gay lad in the sixth form, what's his name?

Thomas. He told me that Lewis was bragging

about Aimee giving him her knickers

because he needed them for his big lunchtime wank,

to get himself through the day.

HE GASPS

And there, lads, is the drop-off in action.

Oh, my God!

Eee!

Vile. The dirty bastard.

I mean, it's good he's having an open dialogue

about his sexual needs.

It's important we encourage the greater communication.

But at the same time, just stop wanking.

But that's why I like talking about me head being in your ma's arse.

I'm all about open dialogue.

Lad, I honestly don't think

your head's going anywhere near his ma's arse.

All right, well, I have a plan B.

Go 'ead.

If I can't bury it in her arse, I'll bury it in her tits.

LAUGHTER You're bad.

BEEP

BEEP

HE SIGHS

LAUGHTER FROM OUTSIDE

REECE: Bow!

Oh, my God. What's your pronouns, girl?

Oh, her pronouns are "as if", "no chance" and "not interested".

And we'll tell her yours -

"disgusting little perverted rat".

They're conjunctions and verbs, mate.

And you should respect that I identify

as a disgusting little perverted rat.

And the DLPR community strives for equality.

Eurgh!

Another tough one? Hmm.

Adam Costello's. Yeah, how'd you get that?

I'm good with people's eyes, girl.

And there's something about his that screams "vile racist".

Mm.

Must take you a while to, like, go back and find them.

Oh, yeah. I mean, this one was from when he was about 13.

I had to go back, like, three years.

Do you know what? It was worth it, though,

when I blackmailed him into getting me these.

LAUGHTER, TEXT ALERT

Oh, Chantal's sent a new dick pic in the group.

Let's see. I'm on form today with my guesses, me.

Eee, that looks like a traffic cone!

That's Lewis's.

The little rat! Aw, Aims.

I mean, maybe he could get it, like, flattened out or something?

Traffic-cone-cock cheating bastard.

So, yesterday's poetry homework.

Who wants to read theirs?

No.

Well, someone needs to reads theirs so I'm doing my job.

New boy.

Er, I didn't know we would read it out.

And I didn't know teaching would be so damn tiring.

Read.

MO IMITATES FART, LAUGHTER

The sky is full of faces now

Your face

Laughing, crying, scared...

..happy. MUFFLED LAUGHTER

The face I love and miss the most... MUFFLED LAUGHTER

Is he starting to cry?

But how do I say...

I wanna read mine, sir.

Er... It's, er, it's called...

..The Door.

The door

Let me in

Who's in there?

It's Brexit

Was I right? Was I wrong?

Am I now forgotten?

Brexit, Brexit, Universal Credit

Don't get angry, get evil.

Cheers.

Go 'ead, lad. Heavy poetry, that, you know.

OK, but where was the imagery and alliteration

that was the point of the task?

I don't know, sir. Brexit took them. LAUGHTER

AIMEE: Was that about your dog?

I lost my hamster, Angelica, last year.

Dark times.

He's a vile creature, anyway, that Mr Dunn.

He once made me read out my essay about my dreams,

and well, my dream is to be the first person from Merseyside

to win an Oscar since Glenda Jackson in 1973.

And I swear, he started laughing.

Well, remember that you're the captain of your soul.

You what? It's a quote from Nelson Mandela.

It means you're in the driver's seat of your life.

Don't listen to others.

Who's Nelson Mandela?

I'm only messing. I know who he is.

I know you probably came from some fancy school

with your whiteboards and that,

but we do get taught stuff at this school too, you know.

Is that Uncle Ben, the rice fella?

That's Nelson Mandela, the first South African President,

beacon of social justice and democracy.

Hey, they're my bird's.

He dismantled apartheid.

Not a clue.

Reece - toilet, now! I need your help.

The memories of our kiss come flooding back now, yeah?

Your foo-foo's hungry. I've got the "Reece-ipe".

LAUGHTER

Shut your gob, or I'll change my mind.

Go 'ead, Reece! Go and get her, lad!

Reece.

You went to Sweet Corner?

Boss, aren't they? Better than boss.

Life-changing.

In fact, you've changed my life.

I've been lonely here.

But you make me smile.

You give me hope.

Nobody's seen me since I've been here.

But you, Reece... you see me.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you off your head?

But I thought the stuff in the bedroom was...?

LAUGHTER

Not bad, that, lad. Not bad.

Good, good.

OK.

HE GROANS

Ladies.

Are you looking for your mentor?

Reece Duffy?

The whole school heard it in the canteen.

Oh, yeah - stupid, isn't it? Him as my mentor?

No, no, I'm looking for a book, actually.

It's called, erm, Social Equality...

Social Equality: The Prospects Of Tomorrow by Florian Schuppert?

Yeah, that's the one, Schuppert.

Hm.

Sorry, it turns out Reece Duffy

actually took that book out yesterday.

Oh, damn it.

He's probably got the whole political sociology section on hold.

THEY LAUGH

I heard him and his cronies, saying things to you.

I mean, they're gonna have to grow up one day.

Although, can you imagine them having an actual job

that contributes to society?

Exactly.

A cleaning job, maybe. You know his mum's a dinner lady?

It makes perfect sense. What else would she do?

SCOUSE: "Erm, please give our Reece a job!

"Yeah, he'll steal all your laptops, but he's a good lad, honestly."

No, I didn't mean it like that.

My mum was a dinner lady.

Take your privileged white male micro aggressive attitude elsewhere.

Schuppert would be disgusted.

KNOCKING

Yeah?

Can I quickly use your bog, Pat?

I've come home for my lunch and I forgot my key.

It's in there.

Yeah, very funny (!) Let's bum, whoo!

Oh, Grandma, I'm bumming Reece to death, because I'm so gay!

Ho-ho-ho (!)

Grow up. SQUELCH

What the hell's that?

You're disgusting! What's your problem? I thought...

You thought what? We were gonna play PlayStation?

Suck each other's nutsacks?

You don't wanna be mates with me, lad. My ma's only a dinner lady,

and who knows what job I'll end up doing, eh?

VOICEMAIL ALERT

RODERICK: 'Cheer up, mate.

'You're acting like your mum's just died

'and someone's shat on your bedroom floor.

'Seriously, I can see why you need to leave.

'My mum says you can stay with us as long as you want

'as long as we don't stay up gaming all night.

'But I told her you're normally dead within five minutes,

'so it'll be fine. See you later, mate.'

BEEP

I've waited long enough, Reece.

I'm afraid you're about to be... CHRISTOPHER: Sorry I'm late, sir.

Now then, Christopher, what I'd like to know is...

has Reece helped you this week?

Not really.

He threatened to paste me.

He pretended to have sex with me in front of my grandma

and he finished the week with the piece de resistance

of defecating on my bedroom floor.

But he only did that to me because I did something to him

which was wrong, and I'm sorry.

He's actually been trying to help.

Told me how I need to get out of my room,

embrace my new life here.

But with what happened to my mum, the motivation...

..it's hard.

Looks like you've done well here.

Stay of execution.

Great work, Reece.

I mean, it won't bring his mum back from the dead,

but it's a step in the right direction.

Thanks, sir.

Close the door on the way out.

Mum, I'm staying. It worked!

'Oh, get in, son! I knew you had it in you.

'Now, do me a favour, don't mess the rest of the year up.

'Maybe that posh bell end is having a good influence

'on you after all.'

Let's not get carried away, Mum.

Oh, what's for tea later?

Nice one.

Girls look hot in boxies.

Like, when you wear a footie shirt.

I'm into it, me. Aw.

It's a shame these aren't mine, then.

You what? Aw, there they are.

I've been looking for them. I wore these last night.

Very hot night.

Let rip a fair few times, like,

but shame I ain't got a dad to buy me a new pair, eh?

LAUGHTER What d'you do that for?

You deserve it.

I was only giving you the knickers cos I felt sorry for you.

Why can't you use your imagination to wank, like girls do?

Eh? What's wrong with youse all?

Why do youse always need something pervy to look at,

like knickers or nudes?

And while I'm here, why d'youse all love feet?

You freaks.

Feet-licker!

You're on one, you!

Yeah, I'm on one, because I can't trust you.

I'm one on cos I'm sick of being nice

and getting nothing back.

I'm fed up for not being me.

We're done! LAUGHTER

GIRL: Good for you, queen.

Because I'm the captain of my soul.

Oh!

That's from him, that, innit?

That posh nonce!

Talks like he's got Benedict Cucumber up his arse!

Somebody needs another wank.

And you - argh! GIRL: Oh, my God!

MEACHER: Lewis! Lewis!

You never learn, do you, Lewis?

Well, that's another suspension with immediate effect.

LAUGHTER

# Cheerio, cheerio, cheerio. #

Listen...

you even speak to my bird when I'm gone, lad,

and you're dead. Watch!

MEACHER: OK, fun's over. Go home.

Go on!

These boxers are a bit tight, aren't they, lad?

I like my nut sack to feel like it's being held.

CONNOR LAUGHS Come 'ead.

Ow!

GAMER 1: 'Roderick said you're not coming back now.'

GAMER 2: 'Liverpool's grabbed him by the bollocks already.'

I wouldn't go quite that far. It's a... mum thing.

TEXT ALERT

CHRISTOPHER'S MUM: 'Relax, son.

'I've set this email for you to receive after I've gone.

'But if I'm still alive and still fighting this cancer prick,

'then yay to me.

'Although, then, this would be kind of awkward,

'and you know how much I hate awkwardness,

'so let's hope I'm gone.'

HE LAUGHS

'I know you weren't keen on living with your grandma.

'But you realise what family means

'when you know you won't be around forever.

'I still feel guilty for moving away from your grandma

'all those years ago, and this'll mean so much to her.

'It means so much to me.

'I wasn't there for your grandma, but you can be.

'Keep doing me proud, son.

'I love you.'

HE SNIFFS

GAMER 2: 'Say no more. Mums are mums.'

GAMER 1: 'Yeah, big up to all the mums out there.'

I'll fuck all your mums, you little mings!

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