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00:00:01,430 --> 00:00:04,430
♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,832 --> 00:00:07,932
♪ is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
3
00:00:08,111 --> 00:00:11,611
♪ but where are those
godd old fashined values ♪
4
00:00:11,742 --> 00:00:14,711
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,778 --> 00:00:18,081
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:18,149 --> 00:00:21,851
♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,919 --> 00:00:23,486
♪ All the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:23,554 --> 00:00:24,854
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,922 --> 00:00:26,890
♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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00:00:27,657 --> 00:00:30,859
Family Guy 8x18
Quagmire's Dad
Original Air Date on May 9, 2010
11
00:00:30,962 --> 00:00:34,197
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
12
00:00:34,365 --> 00:00:36,232
Okay, I'm off.
13
00:00:36,300 --> 00:00:38,067
Well, we knew
this day would come.
14
00:00:38,135 --> 00:00:39,736
Good luck wherever
you wind up.
15
00:00:39,803 --> 00:00:40,737
Take care, buddy.
16
00:00:40,804 --> 00:00:41,838
Call if you want.
17
00:00:41,906 --> 00:00:43,273
If not, take care
of yourself.
18
00:00:43,340 --> 00:00:45,341
I'm just going away
for a few days.
19
00:00:45,409 --> 00:00:47,610
Oh.
Oh, okay.
20
00:00:47,678 --> 00:00:49,379
Yeah, there's a seminar
on creating...
21
00:00:49,446 --> 00:00:51,648
Really? It would be that easy
for you?
22
00:00:51,715 --> 00:00:53,550
What?
You thought I was
leaving forever
23
00:00:53,617 --> 00:00:54,851
and you just said,
"Good luck"?
24
00:00:54,919 --> 00:00:56,119
What the hell
was that?
25
00:00:56,187 --> 00:00:57,787
Brian, take it easy.
You're not leaving forever.
26
00:00:57,855 --> 00:00:59,389
You're just leaving
for a few days.
27
00:00:59,456 --> 00:01:00,723
What do you want,
a parade?
28
00:01:00,791 --> 00:01:01,791
You know what?
Never mind.
29
00:01:01,859 --> 00:01:03,693
Look, Brian,
face it, you're a dog.
30
00:01:03,761 --> 00:01:06,262
The fact that your last name
is Griffin is a pleasantry
31
00:01:06,330 --> 00:01:08,998
extended from our family,
not by any legality.
32
00:01:09,066 --> 00:01:10,300
Yeah, and someday,
when you're ready,
33
00:01:10,367 --> 00:01:12,202
you're gonna walk off
into the woods and die.
34
00:01:12,269 --> 00:01:13,937
And we're prepared
for that.
35
00:01:15,139 --> 00:01:17,073
Yeah, so there's this seminar
36
00:01:17,141 --> 00:01:18,775
in New Haven on creating your
own Web-based Internet series.
37
00:01:18,842 --> 00:01:20,910
Sounds like it could be
right up my alley.
38
00:01:20,978 --> 00:01:22,712
Is this another one
of those classes
39
00:01:22,780 --> 00:01:25,148
where you make the checks out
directly to the teacher's name?
40
00:01:25,216 --> 00:01:27,050
Feel good about that?
41
00:01:27,117 --> 00:01:28,885
Feel good
about what you just said?
42
00:01:28,953 --> 00:01:30,186
You gonna go, Brian,
43
00:01:30,254 --> 00:01:31,988
or should I get
the can of pennies?
44
00:01:32,056 --> 00:01:34,691
(pennies rattle, Brian gasping)
45
00:01:40,164 --> 00:01:41,698
Guys, I got
some great news!
46
00:01:41,765 --> 00:01:43,333
My dad's coming
to visit.
47
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:44,968
Oh-ho!
Hide the women!
48
00:01:45,035 --> 00:01:46,970
So, we're finally
gonna get to meet
49
00:01:47,037 --> 00:01:48,638
the man of
a thousand chicks.
50
00:01:48,706 --> 00:01:51,140
That's right. You think
I've been with a lot of broads.
51
00:01:51,208 --> 00:01:53,042
My dad's had more pie
than Kirstie Alley.
52
00:01:53,110 --> 00:01:55,011
(laughing) What?!
53
00:01:55,079 --> 00:01:56,512
Anyway, the navy
is honoring him
54
00:01:56,580 --> 00:01:57,714
at this year's
naval ball
55
00:01:57,781 --> 00:01:59,415
for all his bravery
in Vietnam.
56
00:01:59,483 --> 00:02:01,584
Wow, you must be proud.
57
00:02:01,652 --> 00:02:04,454
Sure am. He was like a hero
to me when I was growing up.
58
00:02:04,521 --> 00:02:06,222
You know who was my hero?
59
00:02:06,290 --> 00:02:09,392
Aquaman... and his secret
alter ego, Arthur Curry.
60
00:02:09,460 --> 00:02:11,894
Wow, you saved our lives,
Aquaman!
61
00:02:11,962 --> 00:02:13,463
Just doing my job.
62
00:02:15,566 --> 00:02:16,666
Arthur Curry!
63
00:02:16,734 --> 00:02:17,800
Did you see Aquaman?
64
00:02:17,868 --> 00:02:19,068
He was just here!
65
00:02:19,136 --> 00:02:21,004
Oh, darn,
I must've missed him.
66
00:02:21,071 --> 00:02:22,839
We forgot
to tell him thanks.
67
00:02:22,906 --> 00:02:25,308
Oh, I have a feeling
he already knows.
68
00:02:30,614 --> 00:02:31,781
(doorbell rings)
69
00:02:33,651 --> 00:02:35,084
Hey, guys.
Come on in.
70
00:02:35,152 --> 00:02:36,819
Dad, they're here!
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00:02:36,887 --> 00:02:39,289
At ease, ladies.
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00:02:39,356 --> 00:02:41,658
Hey, Glenn, you're not gonna
give your dad an entrance?
73
00:02:41,725 --> 00:02:42,625
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot.
74
00:02:42,693 --> 00:02:45,194
Guys, watch this.
75
00:02:45,262 --> 00:02:47,196
("These Boots Were Made
for Walking" plays)
76
00:02:47,264 --> 00:02:48,931
♪ Are you ready, boots? ♪
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00:02:50,467 --> 00:02:51,501
♪ Start walking! ♪
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00:02:59,209 --> 00:03:00,877
Ha! That's my dad!
79
00:03:00,944 --> 00:03:04,180
No one dances like Lieutenant
Commander Dan Quagmire.
80
00:03:04,248 --> 00:03:05,648
Dad, this is Joe and Peter.
81
00:03:05,716 --> 00:03:06,816
Joe and Peter!
82
00:03:06,884 --> 00:03:08,117
Which one are you?
Peter, sir.
83
00:03:08,185 --> 00:03:09,352
Look at you.
84
00:03:09,420 --> 00:03:10,787
You're a chowhound,
aren't ya, Pete?
85
00:03:10,854 --> 00:03:12,689
Don't want to get behind you
in the mess hall, huh?
86
00:03:12,756 --> 00:03:14,223
No, sir.
No, you don't, sir.
87
00:03:14,291 --> 00:03:17,593
I'd stand and salute you, sir,
but this is the best I can do.
88
00:03:18,762 --> 00:03:20,129
I'll take it.
89
00:03:20,197 --> 00:03:22,265
And a salutey-rooty-toot-tooty
back to you, my friend.
90
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:24,367
Sir, you gotta tell
them about the time
91
00:03:24,435 --> 00:03:26,502
you had to eject
from your plane
behind enemy lines.
92
00:03:26,570 --> 00:03:28,905
And I will, but first,
it's been a long trip.
93
00:03:28,972 --> 00:03:30,306
This sailor needs a cosmo.
94
00:03:30,374 --> 00:03:31,774
A cosmo?
95
00:03:31,842 --> 00:03:34,077
Hey, it's got to be 5:00
somewhere, right? (laughs)
96
00:03:34,144 --> 00:03:35,745
(chuckles)
97
00:03:35,813 --> 00:03:37,947
Okay, fine.
I'll make you one;
you tell a story.
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00:03:38,015 --> 00:03:39,449
He can be such
a nudge.
99
00:03:39,516 --> 00:03:41,417
So, anyhoo,
I remember that day
like it was yesterday.
100
00:03:41,485 --> 00:03:42,852
I'd gotten a haircut
earlier that day,
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00:03:42,920 --> 00:03:44,420
the first one
I ever got over there
102
00:03:44,488 --> 00:03:45,555
that looked like anything.
103
00:03:45,622 --> 00:03:47,390
So all of a sudden,
we get these orders.
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00:03:47,458 --> 00:03:48,658
And, of course, it's
the day of all days
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00:03:48,726 --> 00:03:50,293
I have to put on a helmet.
106
00:03:50,361 --> 00:03:52,962
I remember the sky was
a majestic orange.
(text alert tone)
107
00:03:53,030 --> 00:03:54,897
The breeze was just
warm enough that
you could wear
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00:03:54,965 --> 00:03:57,100
short sleeves,
but you know, not so warm
109
00:03:57,167 --> 00:03:59,535
(text alert tone)
that you break any
kind of a sweat.
110
00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:02,505
because let me tell you,
I do hate to perspire.
It just ruins...
111
00:04:02,573 --> 00:04:06,309
Oh, sorry, that's
my auto spell correct.
112
00:04:06,377 --> 00:04:07,176
But, uh, yeah,
he's super gay.
113
00:04:11,831 --> 00:04:13,499
Brian, it's so boring here.
114
00:04:13,566 --> 00:04:14,800
When are you coming back?
115
00:04:14,868 --> 00:04:16,201
I'll be back soon, Stewie.
116
00:04:16,269 --> 00:04:17,903
And I gotta tell you, though,
this seminar is great.
117
00:04:17,971 --> 00:04:19,305
I'm really learning a lot.
118
00:04:19,372 --> 00:04:21,307
I'll tell you all about it
when I get home, okay?
119
00:04:21,374 --> 00:04:23,309
I'll talk to you later.
Wait, wait, hang on, Brian!
120
00:04:23,376 --> 00:04:25,444
There was, um, something else
I wanted to tell you.
121
00:04:25,512 --> 00:04:26,812
What?
122
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,015
Um, the mail came a little later
than usual today.
123
00:04:30,083 --> 00:04:31,483
Yeah, Stewie, I gotta go.
124
00:04:31,551 --> 00:04:33,085
Ooh, wait, hang on, hang on!
125
00:04:33,153 --> 00:04:36,822
Did I tell you about...
that over there?
126
00:04:36,890 --> 00:04:39,024
Stewie, I can't physically see
what you're pointing at.
127
00:04:39,092 --> 00:04:40,225
I'm getting off now. Bye.
(phone beeps off)
128
00:04:40,293 --> 00:04:41,527
Well, your loss, Brian.
129
00:04:41,594 --> 00:04:43,429
That thing over there
is pretty interesting.
130
00:04:43,496 --> 00:04:46,298
Huh? An alien
in a grass skirt
131
00:04:46,366 --> 00:04:47,633
juggling torches.
132
00:04:47,701 --> 00:04:49,468
Yeah.
133
00:04:49,536 --> 00:04:51,837
All right, you're
all done. Go.
134
00:04:53,473 --> 00:04:54,907
Come on, Stewie.
Time for bed.
135
00:04:54,974 --> 00:04:56,975
Oh, get a job!
136
00:04:57,043 --> 00:04:58,410
Peter, what are
you doing home?
137
00:04:58,478 --> 00:05:00,245
I thought you'd be
out on the town
138
00:05:00,313 --> 00:05:01,413
with Quagmire
and hid dad.
139
00:05:01,481 --> 00:05:03,015
Lois, you're not gonna
believe this.
140
00:05:03,083 --> 00:05:04,917
Quagmire's dad's gay.
141
00:05:04,984 --> 00:05:07,519
What? Quagire never said
anything about that.
142
00:05:07,587 --> 00:05:08,987
I don't think he knows.
143
00:05:09,055 --> 00:05:10,589
It's like he doesn't
even notice it.
144
00:05:10,657 --> 00:05:12,391
Really? Well, then how
do you know he's gay?
145
00:05:12,459 --> 00:05:13,726
And a lot of
little things:
146
00:05:13,793 --> 00:05:15,294
the way he talks,
his mannerisms,
147
00:05:15,362 --> 00:05:17,930
and he had the complete
DVD set of Sex and the City
148
00:05:17,997 --> 00:05:18,964
between his butt cheeks.
149
00:05:19,032 --> 00:05:20,032
Peter, no, he didn't!
150
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:21,367
No. He had
the DVD set.
151
00:05:21,434 --> 00:05:22,401
I was just being colorful
152
00:05:22,469 --> 00:05:23,869
with the rest of it.
153
00:05:23,937 --> 00:05:26,138
Well, maybe you should go
talk to Glenn about it.
154
00:05:26,206 --> 00:05:27,940
I mean, especially
if he has no idea.
155
00:05:28,007 --> 00:05:29,842
I guess I could,
but I don't know
156
00:05:29,909 --> 00:05:32,177
if it'll do any good, Lois;
he's in complete denial,
157
00:05:32,245 --> 00:05:34,046
like people
in massive debt.
158
00:05:34,114 --> 00:05:36,382
Well, honey,
I've extended
our line of credit
159
00:05:36,449 --> 00:05:38,183
and exhausted
all our savings.
160
00:05:38,251 --> 00:05:39,918
We should be good
for another month.
161
00:05:39,986 --> 00:05:40,986
Oh, that's great,
honey.
162
00:05:41,054 --> 00:05:42,688
What are we gonna do
next month?
163
00:05:42,756 --> 00:05:44,957
Well, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do:
164
00:05:45,024 --> 00:05:46,959
shoot all of our children
and then kill ourselves.
165
00:05:47,026 --> 00:05:48,026
(both laugh)
166
00:05:48,094 --> 00:05:49,628
I'm gonna hold you
to that.
167
00:05:49,696 --> 00:05:51,630
I don't think you'll have
any control over it.
168
00:05:53,967 --> 00:05:55,033
(doorbell rings)
169
00:05:56,770 --> 00:05:58,303
Hey, Peter,
how you doing?
170
00:05:58,371 --> 00:06:00,672
Hey, Quagmire.
Um, is your dad around?
171
00:06:00,740 --> 00:06:02,908
Oh, he's off at his
stitch n' bitch club.
172
00:06:02,976 --> 00:06:04,410
I'm glad you stopped by, though,
173
00:06:04,477 --> 00:06:06,745
My dad wanted me to tell you
he would be thrilled
174
00:06:06,813 --> 00:06:09,615
if you and Lois would join us
as his guest at the naval ball.
175
00:06:09,682 --> 00:06:11,049
Yeah, yeah, that'd be great.
176
00:06:11,117 --> 00:06:13,919
Um... hey, remember when
we met him the other day,
177
00:06:13,987 --> 00:06:15,821
and he danced for a while?
178
00:06:15,889 --> 00:06:17,423
Oh, yeah, that was
so funny, man!
179
00:06:17,490 --> 00:06:19,024
No, it, it
wasn't funny.
Oh, my God.
180
00:06:19,092 --> 00:06:20,359
He's hilarious,
that guy.
181
00:06:20,427 --> 00:06:22,327
It wasn't funny.
It wasn't funny.
It was gay.
182
00:06:22,395 --> 00:06:24,163
(laughs)
183
00:06:24,230 --> 00:06:25,464
What?
184
00:06:25,532 --> 00:06:27,499
Yeah, I think
that your father is gay.
185
00:06:27,567 --> 00:06:29,268
Gay?! (laughs)
186
00:06:29,335 --> 00:06:30,969
We-we should
all be so gay!
187
00:06:31,037 --> 00:06:32,504
Quagmire,
don't you see it?
188
00:06:32,572 --> 00:06:34,373
See what?
I'll tell you
what I'm seeing.
189
00:06:34,441 --> 00:06:35,774
You're jealous!
Huh?
190
00:06:35,842 --> 00:06:37,709
Yeah, your father's a drunk,
and mine's a hero.
191
00:06:37,777 --> 00:06:39,144
Look, you'll see.
192
00:06:39,212 --> 00:06:41,880
At the navy ball, you'll see
how much of a man he is
193
00:06:41,948 --> 00:06:43,749
and how everyone in the military
respects him.
194
00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:54,860
Look at this, Dad.
195
00:06:54,928 --> 00:06:56,829
All of these people came out
just to honor you.
196
00:06:56,896 --> 00:06:59,164
Oh, it feels good, son;
I won't lie to you.
197
00:06:59,232 --> 00:07:00,232
Dan Quagmire!
198
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:01,934
Wally!
Good to see you.
199
00:07:02,001 --> 00:07:03,068
This my son Glenn.
200
00:07:03,136 --> 00:07:04,503
Nice to meet
you, Glenn.
201
00:07:04,571 --> 00:07:06,138
You should be
very proud of
your dad.
202
00:07:06,206 --> 00:07:07,272
Oh, I am, sir.
203
00:07:07,340 --> 00:07:08,974
It was an honor
to serve with him.
204
00:07:09,042 --> 00:07:10,576
Come on, Dan,
let's get a drink.
205
00:07:10,643 --> 00:07:12,010
Huh. It's great
to see you
206
00:07:12,078 --> 00:07:13,345
back in your
element tonight;
207
00:07:13,413 --> 00:07:14,513
surrounded by seamen.
208
00:07:14,581 --> 00:07:15,981
(chuckles) "Seamen."
209
00:07:16,049 --> 00:07:17,416
See, Quagmire?
I told you he's gay.
210
00:07:17,484 --> 00:07:18,750
Shut up, Peter!
211
00:07:18,818 --> 00:07:20,819
Hey, you Dan's boy?
That's right.
212
00:07:20,887 --> 00:07:23,055
Your dad was very brave
back in Southeast Asia.
213
00:07:23,122 --> 00:07:24,256
He flew supplies in
214
00:07:24,324 --> 00:07:25,691
where others wouldn't
dare to go.
215
00:07:25,758 --> 00:07:27,459
I can't tell you
how many loads
216
00:07:27,527 --> 00:07:29,828
you dad took when
I served with him.
Huh?
217
00:07:29,896 --> 00:07:31,897
Glenn, I wouldn't miss
this night for the world.
218
00:07:31,965 --> 00:07:33,499
Everyone here
admires your dad.
219
00:07:33,566 --> 00:07:35,100
He'd walk into
an army barracks
220
00:07:35,168 --> 00:07:37,035
and make every private there
feel important.
221
00:07:37,103 --> 00:07:39,471
Yeah, he just knew how
to stroke those privates.
222
00:07:39,539 --> 00:07:40,639
Oh, God!
223
00:07:40,707 --> 00:07:42,474
Your dad was cock
of the walk, Glenn.
224
00:07:42,542 --> 00:07:44,943
Every day at rifle training,
he'd help me clean my butt.
225
00:07:45,011 --> 00:07:46,612
Your dad once drank
me under the table.
226
00:07:46,679 --> 00:07:48,614
If there was one man
you wanted in your hole,
227
00:07:48,681 --> 00:07:50,115
it was your dad.
228
00:07:50,183 --> 00:07:51,517
Your dad had
the best penis
in the military.
229
00:07:51,584 --> 00:07:53,151
Okay, just stop, stop!
230
00:07:53,219 --> 00:07:54,553
Everybody stop!
231
00:07:54,621 --> 00:07:56,421
Dad...
232
00:07:56,489 --> 00:07:58,557
are you gay?
233
00:07:58,625 --> 00:07:59,825
What?
234
00:07:59,893 --> 00:08:01,260
Are you gay, Dad?!
235
00:08:01,327 --> 00:08:03,128
No, Glenn, I'm not gay.
236
00:08:03,196 --> 00:08:04,563
Just, just tell me the truth!
237
00:08:04,631 --> 00:08:06,031
I am telling you the truth.
238
00:08:06,099 --> 00:08:07,566
Now calm down.
You're ruining this ball.
239
00:08:07,634 --> 00:08:09,101
You know how much I love balls.
240
00:08:09,168 --> 00:08:11,003
All right, come on now!
That's not helping!
241
00:08:11,070 --> 00:08:14,439
Son, you have my word,
I am not gay.
242
00:08:14,507 --> 00:08:16,408
You promise?
243
00:08:16,476 --> 00:08:17,976
I promise.
244
00:08:18,044 --> 00:08:20,512
All right, I believe you.
245
00:08:20,580 --> 00:08:22,948
But I am a woman trapped
in a man's body.
246
00:08:23,016 --> 00:08:24,349
And while I'm in Quahog,
247
00:08:24,417 --> 00:08:26,785
I plan to have
a sex-change operation.
248
00:08:26,853 --> 00:08:28,754
Oh, come on.
249
00:08:28,821 --> 00:08:30,022
Just be gay.
250
00:08:33,026 --> 00:08:34,626
(knocking)
251
00:08:34,694 --> 00:08:36,461
Hey, guys,
you got a minute?
252
00:08:36,529 --> 00:08:37,996
Hey,
what's up, buddy?
253
00:08:38,064 --> 00:08:40,198
It's, um,
it's about my dad.
254
00:08:40,266 --> 00:08:43,101
He... he wants to have
a sex-change operation
255
00:08:43,169 --> 00:08:45,103
Whoa! I knew he was gay.
256
00:08:45,171 --> 00:08:46,705
I didn't think
he was that gay.
257
00:08:46,773 --> 00:08:48,006
No, no, Peter,
he's not gay.
258
00:08:48,074 --> 00:08:49,608
He's a woman stuck
in a man's body.
259
00:08:49,676 --> 00:08:50,642
Yeah, gay.
260
00:08:50,710 --> 00:08:51,710
It's totally different!
261
00:08:51,778 --> 00:08:52,711
Sounds the same.
262
00:08:52,779 --> 00:08:53,779
Well, it's not!
263
00:08:53,846 --> 00:08:55,380
Okay, so he wants
to be a woman
264
00:08:55,448 --> 00:08:56,548
so he can
be a lesbian?
265
00:08:56,616 --> 00:08:57,749
No, he'd date men.
266
00:08:57,817 --> 00:08:59,418
Gay.
Gay.
Yeah, gay.
267
00:08:59,485 --> 00:09:02,020
Okay, this is not
the help I came
over here for.
268
00:09:02,088 --> 00:09:04,423
Well, look, let's just all
agree that he's odd, huh?
269
00:09:04,490 --> 00:09:05,757
(laughs)
270
00:09:05,825 --> 00:09:07,559
He has an appointment Friday
with Dr. Hartman
271
00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:10,228
to have the procedure,
and he wants me to go with him.
272
00:09:10,296 --> 00:09:12,397
I-I just, I don't know
if I can handle that.
273
00:09:12,465 --> 00:09:14,833
Well, I'm sure your friend
Peter would be happy
274
00:09:14,901 --> 00:09:16,501
to come along
for moral support.
275
00:09:16,569 --> 00:09:18,170
All right, but look,
here's the deal:
276
00:09:18,237 --> 00:09:20,739
Anything he lops off,
we get to bring home for Brian.
277
00:09:20,807 --> 00:09:22,374
That's very green
of you, Peter.
278
00:09:22,442 --> 00:09:23,542
What?
I don't know.
279
00:09:23,610 --> 00:09:25,277
Lois, that doesn't make
any sense at all.
280
00:09:25,345 --> 00:09:26,845
Yeah, it's something
I heard on TV.
281
00:09:26,913 --> 00:09:28,580
I don't know.
Have fun at the circus.
282
00:09:33,319 --> 00:09:35,854
(sighs) I wonder how long
it's gonna take.
283
00:09:35,922 --> 00:09:37,055
I don't know.
284
00:09:37,123 --> 00:09:39,057
Hey, hey, you know
what we should do?
285
00:09:39,125 --> 00:09:40,626
We should put on
some '80s music,
286
00:09:40,693 --> 00:09:41,994
and then, like,
every few minutes,
287
00:09:42,061 --> 00:09:43,395
have him come
out of there
288
00:09:43,463 --> 00:09:45,731
as a different sex,
and we'll go...
289
00:09:45,798 --> 00:09:47,633
And then like the fifth
or sixth sex,
290
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:49,368
we'll go like this...
291
00:09:49,435 --> 00:09:51,503
This is not a joke,
Peter, okay?!
292
00:09:51,571 --> 00:09:53,305
They're cutting off
his penis in there!
293
00:09:53,373 --> 00:09:54,506
All right, all right.
294
00:09:54,574 --> 00:09:56,508
I mean, this is my dad
we're talking about!
295
00:09:56,576 --> 00:09:58,610
Okay, okay.
296
00:09:58,678 --> 00:10:00,712
What are you
gonna name it, huh?
297
00:10:00,780 --> 00:10:02,080
What are you
gonna name
298
00:10:02,148 --> 00:10:03,115
your he/she
father/mother?
299
00:10:03,182 --> 00:10:04,282
Knock it off!
300
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:08,053
Wow! That thing was on there.
301
00:10:08,121 --> 00:10:10,055
How is he, Doc?
Is he all right?
302
00:10:10,123 --> 00:10:11,923
No, I'm afraid not.
(gasps)
303
00:10:11,991 --> 00:10:14,459
But she's gonna be just fine!
304
00:10:21,200 --> 00:10:23,268
Oh, my God!
305
00:10:23,336 --> 00:10:25,237
(feminine voice):
What do you think, boys!
306
00:10:34,054 --> 00:10:37,623
Okay, kids, Mr. Quagmire
and his dad... his moth...
307
00:10:37,691 --> 00:10:39,692
his friend are coming
over soon for dinner.
308
00:10:39,759 --> 00:10:41,527
So, remember, Chris,
no staring.
309
00:10:41,594 --> 00:10:43,329
And, Meg, you know
how it is
310
00:10:43,396 --> 00:10:45,164
to be different,
so be very nice.
311
00:10:45,231 --> 00:10:46,398
(doorbell rings)
312
00:10:48,001 --> 00:10:49,501
Well, hi, you guys.
313
00:10:49,569 --> 00:10:52,037
I'm so glad you
could come over.
314
00:10:52,105 --> 00:10:55,174
Everyone, I'd like you
to meet Ida.
315
00:10:55,241 --> 00:10:56,775
Hello,
everyone!
316
00:10:56,843 --> 00:10:58,177
Hello, Ida.
What's up?
317
00:10:58,244 --> 00:10:59,678
I made a crumble.
318
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,013
Oh, how thoughtful.
319
00:11:01,081 --> 00:11:04,416
Throw it away
in the outside garbage.
320
00:11:08,321 --> 00:11:10,422
Okay, you know what?
Elephant in the room.
321
00:11:10,490 --> 00:11:12,925
I'll say it. So, Ida,
you miss your penis?
322
00:11:12,992 --> 00:11:15,361
Peter!
Thank you for asking it.
323
00:11:15,428 --> 00:11:18,030
Jeez.
No, it's okay, it's a
perfectly normal question.
324
00:11:18,098 --> 00:11:20,432
We can't sit here and just
pretend everything's the same.
325
00:11:20,500 --> 00:11:22,901
It is a big transition
for me, yes.
326
00:11:22,969 --> 00:11:25,003
But the answer is,
I still have it.
327
00:11:25,071 --> 00:11:27,239
They just turn it inside out
to simulate a vagina.
328
00:11:27,307 --> 00:11:28,640
Come on, Dad...
329
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:30,409
Not a bad option
to have in the back pocket.
330
00:11:30,477 --> 00:11:32,978
So, Lois, wh-what
is this meal?
331
00:11:33,046 --> 00:11:34,646
Wow... so good.
332
00:11:34,714 --> 00:11:35,948
Oh, thank you, Glenn.
333
00:11:36,015 --> 00:11:37,082
It's nothing fancy.
334
00:11:37,150 --> 00:11:38,517
Just chicken with rosemary.
335
00:11:38,585 --> 00:11:40,719
But I did put a lot of
planning into the meal.
336
00:11:40,787 --> 00:11:42,087
Yeah, we went down the list.
337
00:11:42,155 --> 00:11:43,822
Nothing with wieners,
nuts or grapes.
338
00:11:43,890 --> 00:11:45,224
Out of respect.
339
00:11:45,291 --> 00:11:47,192
Lois, I have to say,
you look so put together.
340
00:11:47,260 --> 00:11:48,327
Where do you buy
your clothes?
341
00:11:48,395 --> 00:11:49,928
Oh, how sweet.
342
00:11:49,996 --> 00:11:51,697
Well, I love Anne Klein.
343
00:11:51,765 --> 00:11:52,865
Oh, I'll have
to try them.
344
00:11:52,932 --> 00:11:54,466
I like the outfit
you have on.
345
00:11:54,534 --> 00:11:56,201
Thank you, Meg.
Who did your procedure?
346
00:11:56,269 --> 00:11:57,636
Wow.
347
00:11:57,704 --> 00:11:59,605
You just burned your last friend
in this room, lady.
348
00:11:59,672 --> 00:12:01,240
This corn is special.
349
00:12:01,307 --> 00:12:02,608
So tell me about
those knockers.
350
00:12:02,675 --> 00:12:03,776
Are we...? Are those...?
351
00:12:03,843 --> 00:12:05,611
Is that just like,
r... implas
352
00:12:05,678 --> 00:12:07,746
or did they reassign
some ass fat up there?
353
00:12:07,814 --> 00:12:09,715
All right, I'm out of here.
354
00:12:09,783 --> 00:12:11,016
(door slams)
355
00:12:11,084 --> 00:12:13,652
I wonder if I could
push mine inside.
356
00:12:13,720 --> 00:12:16,422
Oh, my God, it worked.
It's gone!
357
00:12:16,489 --> 00:12:17,756
I can't believe--
Oh, no, it's back.
358
00:12:25,932 --> 00:12:27,866
Well, that was quite
a performance.
359
00:12:27,934 --> 00:12:30,135
My performance?
What about you?
360
00:12:30,203 --> 00:12:31,570
Golly, Lois,
where do you shop?
361
00:12:31,638 --> 00:12:32,871
"Gee, your house
looks beautiful.
362
00:12:32,939 --> 00:12:34,673
Hey, I have
an inside-out penis."
363
00:12:34,741 --> 00:12:36,008
I never said their
house looks beautiful.
364
00:12:36,075 --> 00:12:37,342
Because, frankly,
it didn't.
365
00:12:37,410 --> 00:12:40,479
My dad, my dad, talking
about decorating
366
00:12:40,547 --> 00:12:41,880
and women's clothing?
367
00:12:41,948 --> 00:12:44,249
All I've talked about for years
with these people
368
00:12:44,317 --> 00:12:45,918
is what a war hero you were.
369
00:12:45,985 --> 00:12:47,352
And I was.
370
00:12:47,420 --> 00:12:49,321
I'm changing my future,
not my past.
371
00:12:49,389 --> 00:12:52,090
Oh, yeah?
What about my future, huh?
372
00:12:52,158 --> 00:12:53,692
I don't even know
what to call you.
373
00:12:53,760 --> 00:12:55,928
My dad? My other mother?
374
00:12:55,995 --> 00:12:58,797
My friend who pees sitting down
but can also palm a basketball?
375
00:12:58,865 --> 00:12:59,865
What about, Ida?
376
00:12:59,933 --> 00:13:01,333
Aw.
377
00:13:01,401 --> 00:13:03,502
No, man, you know,
this is too hard.
378
00:13:03,570 --> 00:13:05,871
You know, you're asking me
to accept an awful lot.
379
00:13:05,939 --> 00:13:08,807
I... I... I don't know
if I can do this.
380
00:13:08,875 --> 00:13:10,309
I understand.
381
00:13:10,376 --> 00:13:13,178
I had the advantage of thinking
about this for years.
382
00:13:13,246 --> 00:13:15,681
For me it was easy:
Do I want to be happy
383
00:13:15,748 --> 00:13:17,149
the rest of my
life or miserable?
384
00:13:17,217 --> 00:13:19,117
So now you're happy,
and I'm miserable.
385
00:13:19,185 --> 00:13:21,053
I see.
386
00:13:21,120 --> 00:13:22,921
I'm sorry you feel that way.
387
00:13:31,564 --> 00:13:34,099
Oh, boy, nice
to be back home.
388
00:13:34,167 --> 00:13:35,934
Those seminars
can wear you out.
389
00:13:36,002 --> 00:13:38,570
(clearing throat)
390
00:13:38,638 --> 00:13:40,439
Wow, did you say,
"Web-based Internet series?"
391
00:13:40,507 --> 00:13:43,742
No.
Oh, my bad.
392
00:13:43,810 --> 00:13:45,844
Great... idea...
for one...
393
00:13:45,912 --> 00:13:47,112
Where am I taking
you again?
394
00:13:47,180 --> 00:13:48,947
You know what?
Drop me off at the Marriott.
395
00:13:49,015 --> 00:13:50,182
I could use a drink.
396
00:13:53,620 --> 00:13:55,587
Jack on the rocks, please.
397
00:13:57,724 --> 00:14:01,593
Hey, here's to exciting, new
opportunities on the Internet.
398
00:14:05,231 --> 00:14:07,266
I'm sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you.
399
00:14:07,333 --> 00:14:08,567
Oh, no, it's not you.
400
00:14:08,635 --> 00:14:10,903
I'm... I'm just dealing
with a lot right now.
401
00:14:10,970 --> 00:14:12,804
You know, kids.
402
00:14:12,872 --> 00:14:15,374
Ah. Does not... come...
with a manual.
403
00:14:15,441 --> 00:14:17,209
(chuckles)
404
00:14:17,277 --> 00:14:18,977
So, wha-- you're doing
something with the Internet?
405
00:14:19,045 --> 00:14:20,512
I am, I am.
406
00:14:20,580 --> 00:14:22,281
Being a writer, I'm always
exploring new possibilities.
407
00:14:22,348 --> 00:14:23,782
Wow, I could
never be a writer.
408
00:14:23,850 --> 00:14:25,150
How do you do it?
409
00:14:25,218 --> 00:14:27,486
Well, you see,
when I watch the world go by,
410
00:14:27,554 --> 00:14:29,688
I think of it kind of
like a huge screen.
411
00:14:29,756 --> 00:14:31,924
You know, every little
interaction, every little moment
412
00:14:31,991 --> 00:14:34,826
is another scene captured
by this camera.
413
00:14:34,894 --> 00:14:36,395
That's fascinating.
414
00:14:36,462 --> 00:14:37,696
Oh, yeah.
415
00:14:37,764 --> 00:14:38,830
Brian.
416
00:14:38,898 --> 00:14:40,032
Ida.
417
00:14:40,099 --> 00:14:41,533
Two more, please.
418
00:14:43,202 --> 00:14:44,636
So I finally tell them,
419
00:14:44,704 --> 00:14:47,406
"Hey, I came here to be
at the seminar, not run it."
420
00:14:47,473 --> 00:14:49,341
(both laughing)
421
00:14:51,110 --> 00:14:52,544
That's... Oh.
Mm.
422
00:14:52,612 --> 00:14:53,779
Hmm.
423
00:15:00,219 --> 00:15:03,488
You know, we are in a hotel.
424
00:15:03,556 --> 00:15:05,457
And I'm in room 406.
425
00:15:05,525 --> 00:15:07,659
Go on ahead, I'll settle up.
426
00:15:10,964 --> 00:15:12,264
Put it on 406.
427
00:15:17,170 --> 00:15:19,404
Well, look who's home.
Hey, buddy.
428
00:15:19,472 --> 00:15:20,839
How was the seminar?
429
00:15:20,907 --> 00:15:22,774
Oh, it was terrific.
The first day we were there...
430
00:15:22,842 --> 00:15:25,477
Brian, Brian, Brian.
I was after good or bad.
431
00:15:25,545 --> 00:15:26,845
You know what, fine.
432
00:15:26,913 --> 00:15:28,747
You-you guys are not gonna
get to me this morning.
433
00:15:28,815 --> 00:15:30,415
I am in too good a mood.
434
00:15:30,483 --> 00:15:32,851
I met an amazing woman;
Finally, the whole package.
435
00:15:32,919 --> 00:15:34,786
Oh, you met her
at the seminar?
436
00:15:34,854 --> 00:15:37,556
No, that's just it-- it was
right here in town last night.
437
00:15:37,624 --> 00:15:40,192
She's a classy,
smart, beautiful lady.
438
00:15:40,259 --> 00:15:41,893
Look, I took
a picture of her.
439
00:15:41,961 --> 00:15:42,861
See.
440
00:15:47,800 --> 00:15:49,034
Uh...
441
00:15:49,102 --> 00:15:53,071
Wha... Is-is...?
442
00:15:53,139 --> 00:15:54,506
Um...
443
00:15:54,574 --> 00:15:55,641
I...
444
00:15:55,708 --> 00:15:58,243
Here, Lois, take a look.
445
00:15:58,311 --> 00:16:01,079
(both laughing uncontrollably)
446
00:16:02,615 --> 00:16:04,483
Oh, my God!
447
00:16:04,550 --> 00:16:06,618
This is the best
day of my life!
448
00:16:06,686 --> 00:16:07,919
(laughing)
449
00:16:07,987 --> 00:16:09,421
You know what?
450
00:16:09,489 --> 00:16:11,089
You're just jealous
'cause I found a real woman.
451
00:16:11,157 --> 00:16:14,259
(laughing harder)
452
00:16:15,962 --> 00:16:17,496
Oh, hey, Brian.
453
00:16:17,563 --> 00:16:18,764
Hey.
454
00:16:18,831 --> 00:16:20,732
Not to worry, I called in,
455
00:16:20,800 --> 00:16:23,669
and a new cell phone
should be here for you
in three business days.
456
00:16:23,736 --> 00:16:25,504
What? Why?
Well, clearly,
yours is broken.
457
00:16:25,571 --> 00:16:26,805
Because I haven't
heard from you.
458
00:16:26,873 --> 00:16:28,540
I wanted to tell
you about my week.
459
00:16:28,608 --> 00:16:30,242
God... Doesn't anyone
in this house
460
00:16:30,309 --> 00:16:31,877
care about anyone
but themselves?
461
00:16:31,944 --> 00:16:33,178
Hey, Brian, how
was the seminar?
462
00:16:33,246 --> 00:16:34,279
Meg, please.
463
00:16:34,347 --> 00:16:35,847
I'm serious, Stewie.
464
00:16:35,915 --> 00:16:38,450
I've had an amazing
few days and nobody cares.
465
00:16:38,518 --> 00:16:40,085
Oh, come on in.
Come on in.
466
00:16:40,153 --> 00:16:41,720
Tell old Stew.
467
00:16:41,788 --> 00:16:43,822
Okay, well, first,
the seminar was terrific.
468
00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:45,457
I absorbed so much.
469
00:16:45,525 --> 00:16:47,125
And then I get back here
last night,
470
00:16:47,193 --> 00:16:48,894
and I meet an incredible woman.
471
00:16:48,961 --> 00:16:51,396
You know, I've heard the phrase
soul mate for years,
472
00:16:51,464 --> 00:16:53,298
and I never got it
till last night.
473
00:16:53,366 --> 00:16:56,835
Well, I've got a woman
story for you that you're
not gonna believe.
474
00:16:56,903 --> 00:16:59,604
Quagmire's father,
decorated war hero,
475
00:16:59,672 --> 00:17:03,675
Lieutenant Commander Dan
Quagmire, is now a woman.
476
00:17:03,743 --> 00:17:05,143
You're kidding.
477
00:17:05,211 --> 00:17:07,112
No. Total sex change.
478
00:17:07,180 --> 00:17:09,047
(laughing)
That is hysterical.
I know, huh?
479
00:17:09,115 --> 00:17:11,116
Suck on that, Quagmire.
480
00:17:11,184 --> 00:17:14,786
Yeahit's, it's not settling
with the Q-man all too well.
481
00:17:14,854 --> 00:17:16,588
Oh, my God, what--
wha-what does it look like?
482
00:17:16,656 --> 00:17:17,923
You know, not half bad.
483
00:17:17,990 --> 00:17:19,791
Nothing you'd look
twice at, but not bad.
484
00:17:19,859 --> 00:17:22,260
Oh, my God, that-- you know,
that is a tough road ahead.
485
00:17:22,328 --> 00:17:24,062
I mean, like,
what do those people do
486
00:17:24,130 --> 00:17:26,531
as far as relationships
and sex and stuff?
487
00:17:26,599 --> 00:17:27,899
I don't know.
488
00:17:27,967 --> 00:17:30,602
I mean, it's got to be
a train wreck down there, right?
489
00:17:30,670 --> 00:17:32,771
I mean, just-just an absolute
casserole of nonsense.
490
00:17:32,839 --> 00:17:35,107
Is she over there right now?
We should go take a look.
491
00:17:35,174 --> 00:17:37,142
No. They had a fight;
she's staying at the Marriott.
492
00:17:37,210 --> 00:17:38,610
Aw, damn, I was just there.
Really?
493
00:17:38,678 --> 00:17:41,546
Yeah, maybe I saw him in the
lobby and didn't even know.
494
00:17:41,614 --> 00:17:42,881
Oh, no, you'd know.
495
00:17:42,949 --> 00:17:44,549
Aw, man, what-what
do we call him now?
496
00:17:44,617 --> 00:17:45,951
We... Do we still
call him Dan?
497
00:17:46,018 --> 00:17:48,120
No, and I'm not crazy
about the name change.
498
00:17:48,187 --> 00:17:49,387
What is it...
like Danielle or Dana?
499
00:17:49,455 --> 00:17:50,422
No, Ida.
500
00:17:52,525 --> 00:17:53,859
(retching)
501
00:17:58,731 --> 00:18:01,666
(retching)
502
00:18:32,899 --> 00:18:34,633
(gasping)
503
00:18:35,668 --> 00:18:37,335
(screaming)
504
00:18:37,403 --> 00:18:39,704
Oh, what?! What the hell?!
What's wrong with you?!
505
00:18:39,772 --> 00:18:41,473
(yelling):
I had sex with her!
What?!
506
00:18:41,541 --> 00:18:43,308
I had sex with her
at the Marriott!
507
00:18:43,376 --> 00:18:44,743
(screaming)
Why?!
508
00:18:44,811 --> 00:18:46,311
I didn't know!
I didn't know it was her!
509
00:18:46,379 --> 00:18:47,312
Oh, my God!
510
00:18:47,380 --> 00:18:49,548
(both screaming)
511
00:18:49,615 --> 00:18:50,582
How does this happen?
512
00:18:50,650 --> 00:18:52,184
When they move to a new place,
513
00:18:52,251 --> 00:18:53,385
they're supposed to notify
the neighborhood.
514
00:18:53,452 --> 00:18:54,719
That's how it works!
515
00:18:54,787 --> 00:18:56,822
He didn't actually move,
he's just visiting!
516
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:09,868
Oh, Dad, I've been worried sick.
Where have you been?
517
00:19:09,936 --> 00:19:14,039
Listen, I... I feel awful about
the things I said last night.
518
00:19:14,106 --> 00:19:15,941
I was selfish.
519
00:19:16,008 --> 00:19:17,609
Aw, you weren't selfish.
520
00:19:17,677 --> 00:19:19,811
I realize I put a lot on you.
521
00:19:19,879 --> 00:19:21,313
I was wrong to just assume
522
00:19:21,380 --> 00:19:23,915
that you would understand
and be able to accept this.
523
00:19:23,983 --> 00:19:27,986
But, trust me, I had been
unhappy for a long, long time.
524
00:19:28,054 --> 00:19:30,288
Wow.
525
00:19:30,356 --> 00:19:32,591
Well, all I want is
for you to be happy.
526
00:19:32,658 --> 00:19:34,125
You're my dad.
527
00:19:34,193 --> 00:19:36,595
And if you're happy,
I'm happy for you.
528
00:19:36,662 --> 00:19:38,163
I'm sorry, Dad.
529
00:19:38,231 --> 00:19:39,297
I love you.
530
00:19:39,365 --> 00:19:41,132
I love you, too, Glenn.
531
00:19:43,002 --> 00:19:44,502
Glenn?
532
00:19:44,570 --> 00:19:45,737
Sorry, sorry.
533
00:19:45,805 --> 00:19:47,105
Damn thing can't
tell the difference.
534
00:19:47,173 --> 00:19:49,474
(both laughing)
535
00:19:49,542 --> 00:19:50,909
Oh, dear...
536
00:19:50,977 --> 00:19:53,678
Okay, well, so now that we got
all the mush out of the way,
537
00:19:53,746 --> 00:19:55,146
I have some news.
538
00:19:55,214 --> 00:19:56,648
Tell me. Tell me.
539
00:19:56,716 --> 00:19:57,883
I met someone.
540
00:19:57,950 --> 00:19:58,950
What? You did?
541
00:19:59,018 --> 00:20:00,752
Oh, my God, Glenn,
he's amazing.
542
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:01,953
I couldn't be happier.
543
00:20:02,021 --> 00:20:02,954
Really? What's his name?
544
00:20:04,624 --> 00:20:06,992
QUAGMIRE (screaming):
No!
545
00:20:07,059 --> 00:20:08,894
(gasping and whimpering)
546
00:20:15,501 --> 00:20:17,736
(gasping and whimpering
continues)
547
00:20:20,773 --> 00:20:22,073
(door slams)
548
00:20:22,141 --> 00:20:23,909
QUAGMIRE:
Where is he?!
549
00:20:23,976 --> 00:20:26,378
Where is that self-centered,
arrogant son of a bitch?!
550
00:20:29,515 --> 00:20:31,182
Get out of there,
you dirty little bastard!
551
00:20:31,250 --> 00:20:32,617
You're dead!
552
00:20:39,492 --> 00:20:41,192
(groans)
553
00:20:46,866 --> 00:20:48,166
(groaning)
554
00:20:52,738 --> 00:20:54,673
If I ever see you
anywhere near my house,
555
00:20:54,740 --> 00:20:55,840
I'll blow your head off!
556
00:20:57,510 --> 00:20:59,577
Now lay there and die,
you piece of crap!
557
00:21:03,382 --> 00:21:04,382
Hey.
558
00:21:05,751 --> 00:21:08,620
I (bleeped) your dad.
559
00:21:09,430 --> 00:21:14,330
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --40208
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