Original subtitles

( Jibbs's "Chain Hang Low" playing )

♪ Do yo chain hang low Do it wobble to the floor? ♪

♪ Do it shine in the light Is it platinum, is it gold? ♪

♪ Could you throw it Over your shoulder? ♪

♪ If you hot It make you cold ♪

( phone dialing )

WOMAN ( on phone ): Please enjoy the music while your party is reached.

♪ Is that your chain? ♪

♪ 'Bout 24 inches Is how low I let it hang ♪

♪ Hop out the ride ♪

♪ And let the diamonds Smoke off the Range ♪

♪ By the chain you can tell The big kid do his thang ♪

BOY 1 ( on phone ): Hello.

BOY 2 ( on phone ): What do you think?

BOY 1: About what?

BOY 2: Tomorrow, our first day of high school.

If we wanna be popular, we just have to be proactive.

BOY 1: Calm your proactive ass down.

Saying you wanna be popular guarantees it won't happen.

I'm gonna get a girlfriend. Think that's possible?

Anything's possible, Wade.

Just don't be needy. Let it come to you. One more thing.

From now on,

I don't want you calling me Ryan.

Call me T-Dog.

Heh, T-Dog?

Yep. What's the T stand for?

I don't know.

It sounds better than R-Dog. Yeah.

Like if a hot girl went up to you and goes,

"Have you met T-Dog?

Did you see what T-Dog did today?

Man, that T-Dog is crazy!"

That sounds like a guy every woman wants to know.

Hey, do I need a nickname? You have one. Skeletor.

That was last year! I look good now! I'm filling out!

Name one part of you that filled out.

Name one part of you that isn't filled out!

I'm not trying to offend you.

You shot up too fast and are freakishly skinny.

Well, you're too fat. That's equally unattractive.

You want to go there? I'm sorry.

It's just, I want things to go well.

I'm sorry I said you're freakishly skinny.

It's okay. RYAN: You just are.

Hey! Go to sleep! It's 3:00 in the morning! Are you crazy?

RYAN: Step-dad? Gimme that phone.

RYAN: You're in high school! Don't take his...

Go to sleep.

How about some chicks on the walls in here?

It's like a nerd paradise.

( upbeat rock theme playing )

( groans )

( yawning )

( sighs )

MAN: Time to make the doughnuts.

( laughs )

Hoo!

Hoo-rah!

Touchdown! Ah!

Score! We won!

Wade loses again! Get out of my room!

Dad said get up. He's not my dad! He's yours.

Fine. The guy who does your mom says get up.

Leave! Ah! Loser!

Morning, sunshine. First day of school.

Aah! Oh, my God! Mom!

Since when did you start sleeping naked?

I'm in high school, don't you remember?

I don't like elastic squeezing on my ass when I sleep!

( clears throat )

Hey! What are you doing in this shower?

Dawn? Rachel, that's right. Nice to see you. Ha, ha.

♪ Put your hands up Put your hands up ♪

♪ I'm the best white rapper You've ever seen ♪

( upbeat rock theme playing )

Ho! A hair!

( groans )

( whistles )

( horn honks ) ( chattering indistinctly )

Thank you, ladies!

Whoa!

MAN: Winners, you stoked? BOYS: Uh-huh.

Pedal to the metal? BOTH: Yeah.

All right. Who's a winner? BOYS: I am!

Morning! Hm.

You, with your magic stick! What do you think?

BOY 1: Magic is stupid. Ha. BOY 2: Ha-ha-ha!

No, no, honey. RYAN: Mom!

What? You forgot the sausages!

I'll get the sausages. Come on. I'm hungry.

All right. I'll get the sausages!

( man yelling ) ( horns honking )

I'm sorry to bother you. My family ran out of gas.

We're trying to get to Disneyland.

We're on our way to church.

Maybe that's where you ought to go.

Thank you. Have a great day.

Help out a veteran? WOMAN: Not today.

MAN: Get away from the car. WOMAN: Hon, close the window.

What's your name? Drillbit.

Listen, Drillbit. I wasn't born yesterday.

I don't want you using this on any marijuana or rye whiskey.

You got my word. You know what?

I'm gonna write "not for pot" on it.

Don't have to write...

"Not for pot." You'll feel pretty silly

if you try to buy weed with that, won't you?

Remember, put your best foot forward.

People decide what they think in the first five seconds.

You should hit the weights with the boys and me.

I'll pass. We'll get you in the gym.

Beef you up. Look at these guys. Show him, give a gun shot.

Give him a crab. Unh. ( both grunting )

Worship the sun! ( both grunting )

MAN: Look at these guys.

They're freaks. MAN: Not in my house!

MAN ( over phone ): Great day. I love you, Dad.

MAN: I love you, too. Have fun at school. Bye.

( sighs )

What'd your dad say? He told me to have fun.

Wow, great parenting.

I don't know how we're surviving without him.

Sorry.

It's okay. He's a piece of shit anyway.

Thank you, honey.

( car engine roars )

( upbeat rock theme playing )

Enchanté.

Light changed. Okay.

I love you!

You're late today! Hey! Get a job!

You get a job.

I already got one, giving money to you.

How are you, Mrs. Lampanelli? All right.

You look beautiful today. ( laughs ): You're a liar.

But it works for me. Go on, get out of here, you nut!

Don't spend it on food. Porn only.

( laughing )

First day of high school. It's kind of scary.

Yeah. It sucks taking the bus.

Sure, last year we were the oldest,

so we got to sit in the back of the bus.

But now we'll probably have to sit in the front

with the losers.

We'll be all right.

You have to have a proactive attitude

if you want to be popular in high school.

People decide what they think of you

in the first five seconds.

( exhales )

I think you're a dork.

RYAN: Oh, Wade. Oh, no.

RYAN: This is uncool. We can't start high school like this!

You got to be shitting me! Come on!

Please. Am I dreaming here? No.

We're never allowed to buy the same shirt again!

Whoever sees it first gets to buy it.

You guys should wear red ribbons in your hair.

We look like dorks. Go change!

No! I was planning on wearing this.

Wade, I run the mile in 21 minutes!

How fast do you think I can go?

( percussive theme playing )

Go! Hurry!

I'm going!

Wade! Bus!

Oh, no! Perfect!

Come on! What a way to start high school, huh?

Let me guess, two-for-one sale at Hot Topic?

( kids laughing ) BOY: Dorks!

We're dead.

( Young Buck's "Push 'Em Back" playing )

♪ It's about to go down ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ Get out the way ♪

♪ You better move ♪

First day of our high school careers.

All right.

Let's light this fuse and see what happens.

Let's go. All right.

♪ Push 'em back ♪

Are you guys part of the bowling team?

( girls laughing )

( school bell rings )

Last one.

Hey, at least it'll be easy to find each other!

Yeah, I'll just look for the kid with the same shirt.

Come on!

You have to spin it a few times first to get it to work.

Oh. Thank you. Heh

Someone! What are you guys doing?

Shut it! ( yelping )

Get out of the way! Man!

Here we go.

That's not for me, that's for my books.

I am not a book! Get in!

This is bad.

No, this is good. At least we know

we're not the biggest dorks in school.

WADE: We should say something. RYAN: Survival of the fittest.

I gotta say something. I got to. I have to.

It's hilarious The kid fits in the locker.

WADE: It's not funny. ( screams )

This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

Stop!

Whoa.

I mean, you don't have to, but, um...

Harry Potter.

Keep your big mouth shut.

RYAN: That's what I been telling him.

Mm-hm. Hey!

Run! Everybody, run! It's not safe here!

Hey. Check this out.

Matching-shirt geeks!

These bitches wear the same shirt!

Let's make them wear the same shirt, huh?

( shouting )

The fat one here, the skinny one there.

There! ( bell rings )

( boys laughing ) Better keep that shit on.

If I see you trying to take it off, you're dead!

Know what happens? One of you dies, both die.

'Cause you're Siamese queers, bitches!

( grunts )

( all laughing )

( laughs ) That's very cute.

You look like those Velcro monkeys who hug each other.

( students laughing )

MOTHER: How was school, Wade?

We made so many friends, I can't remember their names.

Great! You got to be in it to win it!

I am in it!

Great! Ha. Yeah!

So school went well? It was great.

Oh. Couldn't have gone better.

It was the shirt, right? I'll have to get you more.

( police radio )

Hey! What are you doing? That's my stuff!

This is city property. Nobody's supposed to be camping out here.

Your stuff's in the Dumpster.

In the Dumpster? Come on!

My taxes pay for your salary.

You don't pay taxes. You don't even have a job.

What else you want to remind me of?

That I don't have good health care?

That I don't belong to a good gym?

Go back to the Village People! Back up!

Damn! ( school bell rings )

Today is the first day of our high school careers.

Yes, it is.

( students chattering )

( percussive theme playing )

There she is. That's the girl who came up to me at my locker.

Well, make your move.

What move? I don't have a move.

GIRL: Yeah, I'll sign this.

GIRL: Is this your first time signing up?

Okay, bye. Bye.

What did you sign up for?

Photography and, uh, Asian Heritage.

Asian Heritage, huh? I like your commitment.

Yeah.

BOY: Hey, buddies! Remember me?

Oh, Jesus H. Oh, God.

Guys, why aren't you wearing them?

Why are you talking to us?

I just wanted to say thank you

for helping me out yesterday and all.

You guys are the type of people I want to hang out with.

Yeah.

I'm Emmit Oosterhaus, by the way. Hi.

Wade. That's T-Dog. T-Dog.

That's a really cool nickname. Can you guys give me a nickname?

We need to ditch this guy. He's like a stray cat.

Once you feed him, he'll never go away.

No secrets, T-Dog. ( bell rings )

Hey, look!

The Siamese queers had a baby.

I guess that makes them triplets, doesn't it?

Actually, we still wouldn't be triplets.

You see, they'd be my parents and I'd be the baby.

Don't get smart with me. I said you're triplets,

and I think you guys need to get into his shirt and be triplets.

We can do that. Know what? Emmit, shut up.

Look, do you really have to do this crap, guys?

Come on. Give us a break. It's the second day of school.

Hey, I like this kid. Oh!

Double Stuff's got an attitude.

Yeah. We have to do this shit because it's hilarious.

This school is boring.

Watching you freak out amuses me.

And yeah, it's just the second day of school.

So guess what?

It's gonna keep coming...

...and coming...

...and coming! ( grunts )

( Jet's "Rip it Up" playing )

( all yelling )

Stop peeing on yourself!

( screams )

♪ Smacked in the face With a silver spoon ♪

BOY: He pissed himself. Loser!

♪ Spread your legs Or the silver screen ♪

♪ From the bedroom, baby To the city of light ♪

♪ You look pretty good But you're not so bright ♪

Help.

Help me!

♪ Flashin' your stash Ain't nothin' new ♪

♪ I'm gonna get ya, my pretty And your little dog too ♪

♪ Make me rich Your doctor said ♪

( students laughing )

♪ On the bedroom wall The stars look bright ♪

♪ But they don't belong In the city of light ♪

Whoa! Write your name!

( yelling )

( grunting )

No! Ah!

( groans )

( students laughing )

Bernie?

( laughs ) DRILLBIT: Give me one match.

All I need is one. Damn it!

Look at that! God, I can't even get one card!

Not one thing! The state of California just robbed me, Don.

You saw it.

Where's my quarter? Did you see my...?

Is the pill bottle a castle? Did you take my quarter?

No, I didn't take your quarter, Drillbit.

Not my fault you can't keep track of your finances.

I don't know why you spend money on this dumb stuff.

You're unbelievable. I got to get out of here.

I can't take this anymore.

Rich people don't like us

and the tourists are scared of us.

When they see Bernie, they're terrified.

Terrified. They're not scared of sexy me.

Sanitizer? Yeah. Yeah.

Just get... I'm like a bird. I just want to fly north.

I want... I'd like to go to Canada.

What was it last year?

Uh, I think it was "I was gonna go to Iceland."

BERNIE: Reykjavik. But the thing about Canada,

if you go high enough north, the government pays you

to take the land. DON: Uh-huh.

Yeah. The beer's twice as strong.

They don't lock the doors. That should appeal to a man like you.

What about a British Columbian girl? Sound like a potent mix?

Yeah, that's not too bad. I kind of like that.

Okay, now. Check this out. One-way flight to Canada, $287.

You gotta throw in 50 bucks for bribing the...

What are they? The federales...

Mounties. Yeah, the Mounties.

Another... I want a good winter jacket, 80 bucks.

So we're talking $387

and it's a new life for your hombre, Drillbit.

I dig it, man. Follow the dream. Chase that thing.

How you gonna come up with that kind of money?

Get a job. I was an Army Ranger.

There are a lot of people dying for that.

Watch this kid play Hendrix. He really jams. Look at him.

There he goes. ( guitar playing )

I like how he looks a little bit like Hendrix.

♪ There must be some Kind of way out of here ♪

Yeah! I'm gonna give him a buck. A couple of bucks.

A buck? Give him a compliment! Give me a buck!

( techno theme playing )

♪ Push me And then just touch me ♪

♪ Until I can get My satisfaction ♪

Why is he in my house? Trying to attract after-school bullies?

I'm here because Wade invited me to be here.

Because I'm your friend now.

This fantasy land you live in, Emmit, are there rides?

Stop picking on him. all right?

This is our guy. RYAN: I don't want him to be.

Good news, I think I found a solution to our problems.

Kill Emmit? No. Bear with me.

Might sound stupid, but I was on the Internet last night.

And there's a bunch of sites

where we can hire a professional bodyguard.

What do you mean by a bodyguard?

He beats up kids that bother us.

A bodyguard. Wade, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard.

We should just be men and fight these kids.

Are you serious?

Of course not. I've never been in a fight.

Have you seen those high school fights on YouTube?

Kids are brutal.

( school bell rings )

Gave us an earthquake when you're peeing in the urinal.

Uh-huh. EMMIT: He shoved me in a locker.

He put my head in his shirt and called us Siamese queers.

( snickers )

How's that funny?

It's not funny. It's just rare that kids

say things that surprise me. Siamese queers.

I never heard that one. Ha, ha.

( sighing )

What would you like me to do?

We really just want it to stop.

So are they pretty much free to say whatever they want,

or am I allowed to defend myself?

Oh, no. Principal Doppler, I thought this was anonymous.

In this country, the accused get the chance to face his accusers.

Terry, come over here for a second.

Now, we've known each other for-- Have a seat.

What's your take on this?

Hey, guys, how's it going?

DOPPLER: Be polite!

There you go. Wade.

Hey, T-Dog. Give me a pound. Huh?

Principal Doppler, I was really excited about starting school.

I'm not gonna lie. Who knows? I...

Maybe I was hazing them a little bit.

But I'm sorry.

I really am.

I appreciate you taking responsibility. Refreshing.

He doesn't mean it! Call his parents in!

Now.

He doesn't have any parents, not in this country.

They live in Hong Kong. He's an emancipated minor.

What does that mean?

He's legally an adult. He answers to no one.

He's above the law.

What a nightmare, huh? Yeah.

Oh, crap.

( heavy metal theme playing )

Oh, no. Run.

Go! Go, run!

( all shouting )

( laughing )

( camera phones clicking )

( heavy metal theme playing )

( chuckles )

Have you guys lost your mind? Let's go!

Go, go. Come on!

( techno theme playing )

Come on! Oh, no!

( all yelling )

There! Garage!

( screaming )

( banging )

( gasping )

You gonna rat on me, boys?

Try to get my parents involved in this situation?

Now, I have to make it my mission

to destroy you punks! Hey!

Get the hell off my property!

I'll give you three seconds, then I'm getting my shotgun!

( shouting ) MAN: Get out of here right now!

BOYS: Don't!

MAN: One! Two! Three!

Go! Go! And stay out, you gang bangers!

( typing )

MAN: Charles, chai latte up.

Hey! Get off my computer!

Keep your shirt on. Come on.

If this doesn't work, I'll kick your ass.

When it works, you'll kiss my ass.

How will we know which one's the bodyguard?

( footsteps )

Have you ever done this kind of thing before?

I worked for the hardest gangstas in the world.

Kee LoLo. Chenobee.

I still work for Tupac, even though he dead.

I am Israeli Military Secret Service Anti-terrorist Squad.

So when I kill this kid,

do you want me to do it quickly, or do you want him to suffer?

Suffer.

If you hire Tiger's Protection Services,

not only do you get the Tiger,

but you get the protection of his entire pride.

( purring )

RYAN: You like hip-hop? You implying I like hip-hop?

'Cause I'm dressed this way?

I like country. You like country?

That's the kind of music I like.

Alabama. Give me some of that.

Some Brooks & Dunn.

The Dixie Chicks, bitch.

Kids hiring a bodyguard to take care of a bully?

Stupidest thing I ever heard.

In my day, if a kid got beat up, it was called childhood.

Pick somebody. Anybody.

I'll go beat their ass, right now, right now,

and then you can ask them for a goddamn reference.

How about you, lady, huh? I'll kick your ass right now!

Close! Closed!

Yeah! This is very disturbing.

You want an ass-kicking?

What do you do when you're not bodyguarding?

I work at Raging Waters.

I sense great hesitation. Wait one moment.

Excuse me. I'm going to borrow this.

WADE: Please don't do that.

Ah! Goddamn!

$2,100 a week.

$10,000 a week.

We were hoping you'd say, like,

around $100.

Not interested. I hate kids like you.

I can't help. No one can help you.

WOMAN: Susan, your double espresso is up.

DRILLBIT: I'm Susan.

I'm Drillbit Taylor.

U.S. Army Ranger, black ops operative,

decorated marksman, improvised weapons expert.

Are you still in the military?

I was discharged. Unauthorized heroism.

Yeah. They call it "an army of one" in the ads,

but they don't mean it.

Unless they mean the whole Army working together as one.

But they certainly don't want one man out there kicking ass

like an army of one, which is the way I took it.

( chuckles )

As a bodyguard, I protected three vice presidents,

Bobby Brown, Sylvester Stallone...

not as tough as he looks.

So, what's the story? Who do you need protection from?

Should be easy for you. Just a high school bully.

Yeah. Run into a few of those in my life.

What'd you do to provoke him?

He's fat, he's a dork, and I'm awesome.

Shut up, Wade.

By "awesome," do you mean scared, skinny and lonely?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How do we know you're legit? Come here.

Come here. I'm not gonna bite.

I want you to look in my eyes.

Take a good look.

Come here! What do you see?

You looking?

What the hell have you seen?

You want some?

These eyes have seen unspeakable horror.

That's my evidence.

That's how you know if a guy's legit.

You need some evidence too?

I've seen things you wouldn't believe.

I've watched C-beams glitter in the dark

near the Tannhauser Gate.

Isn't that Blade Runner?

Look closely, 'cause it's all in there.

Boo! ( gasping )

So how much do you charge?

Three hundred and eighty-seven dollars.

A week.

One second.

I'm not even sure if I'm available.

No! No! Did you hear him?

We might be able to work up to that.

But right now, we only have $83.

( sighs )

Okay. Well, give me that now,

and, uh, we'll figure out the rest later.

Know what this is?

It's a wing.

And you're under it.

All three of you, right there.

Okay. Here's the mission plan.

Using my expertise at stealthy and covert ops,

I'll infiltrate the school where I will watch over you

like the Lord Almighty himself.

Careful.

Like the good Lord, I'm gonna use mysterious ways,

so you're not gonna see me, but I'll be there.

Especially when you don't see me.

First, I'm gonna need some supplies.

Like nunchucks?

Maybe. A lot I'll get

from what's just laying around the house.

Anything can be turned into a weapon of mayhem or destruction.

Even a puppy? Especially a puppy.

Germans used them in World War I.

Da Hunden Stormin. Lightning Dog.

They attached dynamite to them. Rommel did it. Gerry bastard.

Now, listen, one thing... This is my house.

Wow. We can go in. Nobody's home.

Let's hit it. Deploy, soldiers.

WADE: Soldiers? Cool. Here that, T-Dog?

DRILLBIT: Beeline, front door! Single file! Officers first!

( panting )

You, get me a bowl of cereal. Go on.

Ah! Okay, this I'm gonna need. Right here.

What for? You take that, my mom will rip my head off!

At ease, Casper! Silver alloy.

One of the strongest ever constructed.

Stop a bullet at point-blank range.

You don't really think it could come to that?

You tell me.

Filkins is a whack-job. He almost ran over us with his car.

WADE: He's a menace. I was my dad's favorite too.

He cut off a kid's arm off with a samurai sword.

Bladed weaponry? Yeah.

Okay. I'm not taking any chances. You're on orange alert.

This will be good for video surveillance.

Oh, this is good.

You take the guts out of this and use it for wiretapping.

I'll use this as a, I don't know, a timekeeping device.

I think I'll wear it on my wrist.

WADE ( over radio ): Testing, one, two. Mr. Taylor?

Testing, one, two.

WADE: Will you come back?

Go far back! I can hear you!

WADE: Testing, testing, one, two. Can you hear me now?

They work pretty good. These are great. Invaluable.

They get a little staticky in some places.

Why you need this stuff?

Thought we're gonna give Filkins a beatdown?

I am gonna beat him down.

But sometimes after that first beatdown,

they get a little... They want a little payback.

MOTHER: I'm home! Who wants grilled cheese sandwiches?

Go! Mom! Exit!

Go! Out the back!

Not seeing me doesn't mean I'm not there.

Act natural.

Hey, Mom. Barbara, how are you?

Hi, boys. Who's your new little friend?

Emmit Oosterhaus. He's not our friend.

Yeah, he is.

Like our hamster. Smell like something?

Hm?

Ryan, are you washing?

Yeah. Are you?

Funny smell. It's all right. Grilled cheese sandwiches.

DRILLBIT: Hey! Come on! DON: Buzz us in!

( buzzing ) You'll want to see this!

Big money!

This ain't a bunch of aluminum cans here.

Where do you want it? Set it down there.

Those kids won't miss this stuff?

No. They got two of everything.

They got the iPod, the iPod Nano.

And I don't care if they do.

'Cause after this little transaction,

the old Drillbit's taking his act to the Great White North.

What? Yeah. I'm going to Canada.

Well, that's stupid. You're gonna cut out now?

I'm going--

These kids are a cash cow. You need to hang in there.

You don't cut and run. You gotta get in there and milk this.

Okay. Come on back. All right, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you $125 for the whole lot.

What? You took it from some kids.

So? Don't get all righteous on me.

Half this store you got from crackheads and thieves.

Hey! Who the hell do you think you are?

They're our customers!

We're not that harsh on them, so you shouldn't be!

How'd you like it if we called you a crackhead?

You have called me one. Have we? Have we?

I think I might have. WADE ( over radio): Drillbit?

What is that? I'm sorry. Hold it a sec.

DB149, come in.

WADE: We wanted you to know

that Emmit was holding out on bar mitzvah money.

RYAN ( over radio ): I don't care how many times you get bar mitzvah'd,

you're not a man. EMMIT (over radio): I am.

RYAN: You're not. Drillbit. Milk it.

Milk it. Grab the udder and milk it.

Ten-four, good buddy. I will see you tomorrow.

Commence radio silence in three, two...

Today is the official start of our high school careers.

Last week's history. Nothing good came out of last week.

We became best friends. No good came out of last week.

RYAN: There's the sword. We are so dead. Where's Drillbit?

Hey! Cavalry's here. Where have you been?

What's up, man? Where is my money?

Where's my money? Uh...

We got 40 bucks we promised plus an extra 17.

I sold my Yu-Gi-Oh! cards. This is gonna be sweet.

I can't wait to watch you kick Filkins' ass.

Is he here?

Yep. Over there, on his car.

RYAN: I want you to be the last face he sees.

DRILLBIT: What am I gonna do?

RYAN: I want you to gnaw on his skull.

Okay. Come here for a second.

Before I gnaw on his skull, come here.

What are you doing? Come here. Gather round.

This is serious. Go kick his ass.

Oh, Tommy Trigger Finger wants blood and guts.

It doesn't work that way. I can't just kick his ass.

Physically, I can, but if you kick a bully's ass,

then maybe you guys live till lunchtime.

And then what?

"Teach those victims how to kick the bully's ass

and they live forever." Steven Seagal.

So you'll teach us how to beat him up?

Like, train us? We're gonna beat up Filkins?

What I'm about to show you

are top secret black ops fighting moves.

It's all about technique.

I don't care if you're talking about karate, tai chi,

kung fu, praying mantis,

kung pao, Panda Express.

It's all about technique.

I want you to watch my technique.

It's pretty flawless. Ryan, charge me.

I'm serious. Try to kill me. Come on. You ready?

Go! Yeah. Come on. ( grunting )

I got you! I got you!

Ow! Damn it!

Okay. Tripped right there.

That was, uh, the "bear hug."

Okay. Wade.

Come on! Here you go! ( grunting )

Watch the elbows! Stop!

Okay. Last, but not least. Charge me.

( screaming ) Ah!

Everyone up! Circle me!

Let me see some fight from you.

Okay, you guys ready for the blizzard?

( all shouting )

I call truce! Truce! Ow!

Back up. Three's too many. Stop.

One of you really charley horsed me.

Okay. Now, it isn't all oriental martial arts.

Sometimes you give a little Mexican judo,

as in "Ju don't know who you're messin' with."

Ryan, one more. Last one! Show me your mettle.

Come on! Olé! Oh!

Whoa! Uh-oh. Ryan!

( grunting ) DRILLBIT: Man down!

Ryan?

Was that my fault?

RYAN: Hey! Check this out.

Dude, you fell, like, 60 feet.

Jeez. That was crazy.

What is this? A strategic outpost.

I got these posted all over the city.

Don't even look at it. Let's get back to work.

What's this for? To wash your balls in the morning?

No. Does it look like a squeegee to you?

Or does it look like a weapon with a straight edge

and a little mop to clean up the blood?

WADE: T-Dog, Emmit, this way.

Where's Drillbit? WADE: I don't know.

Wait up.

WADE: Should be right up here.

( yelling )

( screaming )

Man down!

Take this, take a swing at my head.

No. Wade! Come on.

Hit me. But it'll hurt.

Wade, hit me. I'll do it.

Shut up.

I feel no pain because I have a trained mind.

Go! Come on, go!

( rock song playing )

Drillbit, we could make s'mores!

No.

How much does the Hug Me Bear cost?

DRILLBIT: No.

Where'd you get the kids?

Won them in a poker game.

How is this training? Called bulking up.

I'm already fat. Hey, you're not fat.

Don't wanna hear you say fat.

Words like lard ass, fat pig, butterball,

landslide, mudslide. I don't want to hear that.

What are you tipping the scales at?

One-eighty.

What? Ha.

Whenever you're ready.

One of you pick this up. I'm still on the clock.

( rock song continues playing )

Avoidance technique! Avoidance technique!

Come out here, Capone! You want a fight?

This is very important. See that?

What's wrong? You afraid?

He has a holdback guy.

That allows people to think you want to fight

when he really doesn't.

You got nothing...

When I'm here, I'm your holdback guy.

Now, you can act crazy.

Ah! Hey! Calm down.

( all shouting )

Hey!

Stop. Stop. Calm down.

ALL: Hoo-rah.

Get under the wing.

Put the bills facing the same direction.

Don't worry about it, Don.

I thought these kids were loaded.

All you read about are how 14-year-olds

rule the marketplace and look at this.

Hardly got anything.

Think this is gonna get me to the Great White North?

Allow me to make a point real quick.

Hello, delicious.

Drillbit, do you know why we come here every day?

It's because these businessmen can't eat all their food.

They have more than they need.

Those kids are a lot like these businessmen.

They have way more than they need.

It's our job to go into their houses and take their excess.

I get a kick out of these kids.

I told you. The little fat one says some funny shit.

I like these kids, too, man. I mean, from what I gather,

they're some pretty cool dudes.

If you like them, you should think about helping them.

If you care about them. What do you mean?

Steal their TV. Maybe they'll read a book.

Steal their iPod. Heck, maybe they'll learn to play the piano.

They don't need all this crap. Think Mozart had a Game Boy?

I didn't have it. Didn't hurt me.

I was outside playing, climbing trees.

Yeah, man. Me, too. I'm still outside hanging around in trees.

The parents are never around. No one's there in the daytime.

One big hit. It's all we need.

Listen. We're about ten percent done with training.

Ten percent? Are you high?

We can't sit in the woods anymore. We gotta go to school.

I can't forge any more notes.

How many diseases can a kid have?

( sighs )

You guys think you're ready?

You know, I am really scared to go back.

Look, if you're not ready to fight,

there is another alternative. But I gotta be honest with you.

Only the strongest of warriors can pull this one off.

( sighs )

It's so difficult, that most men...

Most men tremble at its mere thought.

What is it? What the hell is it?

Love him. What?

Love him.

I don't know what's going through your head,

but I'm not gonna bang him.

When I'm talking about love, I mean compassion.

RYAN: I'm not-- Shut up. And understanding.

Find your commonality.

Let him know you're more alike than different.

Maybe that will put out his fuse.

And remember, guys, just because you don't see me

doesn't mean I'm not there. I'll be there,

like a silent, deadly poltergeist.

Thanks. See you later.

Remember, you're under my wing. ( bell rings )

Oh, no. There he is. ( rapping )

Should we hide? No.

We've been running and hiding all week.

This is what Drillbit talked about. Finding commonalities.

He's rapping. You love to rap! You can do this!

No, I can't..

You can. It's like 8 Mile. He'll respect you.

No, man, I'm afraid of him. I can't!

EMMIT: You're crazy! WADE: You can.

Don't do it. Don't! I believe in you.

All right. I can do it. I can do it.

Whassup, whassup?

What's up?

I want to rap with you. ALL: Oh!

Flip the script, Ronnie. Hit that beat.

Yo, this cool, Fil? Sure, whatever.

( beatboxing ) Yo!

♪ Call me whatever you want But you know I gets busy ♪

♪ I'm so badass I'm the king of Vice City ♪

♪ Like the Buddha, I'm Zen Like Beckham, I bend ♪

♪ I tell suckas, "Say hello To my little friend" ♪

ALL: Oh! Oh, snap! This guy! Ha.

♪ Hey, meatball Where's your spaghetti? ♪

♪ Your rapping's Like a nightmare ♪

♪ But I don't see Freddy ♪

♪ You best not even try To spit rhymes, dude ♪

♪ 'Cause when you spit all I Ever see is chewed-up food ♪

ALL: Oh! That's how we roll!

♪ Hold on! I know You didn't just go there ♪

♪ I got more skills than you In my one and only nut hair ♪

ALL: Oh! Nice, man.

♪ So you better step off Before you insult me and mine ♪

♪ 'Cause if you decide To step on ♪

♪ See, I'm like A land mine! Boom! ♪

ALL: Oh!

♪ Oh, my God, look It's a punkass rappin' ♪

♪ He say one more word I'm a have to bitch-slap him ♪

♪ So surprised you're moving Ass is so damn fat ♪

♪ You're lucky I don't hit you With my wiffle ball bat ♪

♪ Can't hurt my head with a bat I'm the Incredible Hulk ♪

♪ I'm like Costco Serving ass kickings in bulk ♪

ALL: Oh!

♪ You don't like my words ♪

♪ Mr. King of the School? Guess what? ♪

♪ You can suck on my Family's jewels, bitch ♪

ALL: Oh!

That was awesome.

What have I just done? That was amazing.

I mean, telling him to suck on your family jewels

was in questionable taste, but...

I know. I got caught up in the moment, okay.

Keep walking. I don't want to get shot like Tupac.

Most of those people were cheering for you.

Really? That could be good. Maybe Drillbit was right.

You think you're so funny?

Good. You're not gonna laugh when you're dead.

You're gonna get it now... worse than ever.

All of you. Ryan, holdback technique.

You don't like the fact that he's better than you!

You better back the hell off before I...

( grunting and groaning )

Thanks for holding him for me.

Holy crap, you guys are retarded!

( groans )

How did he do so much damage with one punch?

It's like his fist is the size of your face.

( grunts )

I guess it's true. Rap does promote violence.

The question is, where was Drillbit when we needed him?

Maybe he got called to the black ops.

Wade, come on. You believe that garbage?

There's my little soldiers.

My pooper troopers. Sorry I missed that walkie-talkie call.

I had something come...

What the hell happened to you?

Filkins punched me.

Filkins did that to you? Yeah.

Where were you? With one punch?

Where were you? Oh, crap. I'm sorry.

Stop. Let me get the blood off.

No. Stop. Man! Sit down for a second.

Crap! It looks painful. Yeah, it is.

Let me put pressure on it. Ah!

Hold it, hold it. Ah!

Ryan had a rap off with Filkins.

You had a rap off? You said to find common ground.

He said he was like Costco, serving up ass kickings in bulk.

That's what you said?

That's not common ground, even though it's funny.

That's not what I meant when I said "common ground."

Why didn't you get punched? Why'd he slug you?

'Cause of your holdback technique.

The holdback technique? You really tried that?

Yeah. Bottom line is your advice backfired.

Now, we're more screwed than ever.

All because you protected the Hobbit.

DRILLBIT: Hey. Stop. I am not a Hobbit.

You're a damn Hobbit, okay. I am not!

Hold it. Hey. Emmit's not a Hobbit, I don't think.

The problem isn't the holdback technique,

although I don't think you had it perfected enough to try.

The problem is Randy rapping insults...

It's not Randy! Okay? It's Ryan!

And all this talk about you being there

when you're not there, it's bull!

Okay? I'm tired of your nonsense! You're fired!

Hey! Sit down here! Sit down for a second!

All of you, sit down!

You take the bass out of your voice when you talk to me!

We just completed phase one. See if this guy has any mettle.

Guess what we found out? Filkins does have some mettle.

So now we move to phrase two.

Know what phase two is? Direct contact.

That's where I come in.

Because I will not let this happen again, if I can help it.

So, what's the plan? The plan?

Yeah.

How early do you get up for school?

ALL: Seven.

Oh, God. Okay.

Tomorrow, we all go in together.

( vibrating )

( man speaking indistinctly on TV )

( humming )

Hey, Wade. What's up?

Whoa! Where'd you get the shiner?

Come in here, boy. Talk to me.

I was protecting this one kid at my school

from a bunch of bullies and one of them punched me.

What? Why would you protect a kid from a bully?

So he doesn't get beat up.

( whirring )

You're interfering with the natural order.

( humming )

When I was a kid, I was kind of a bully.

It's not a bad thing. There was this kid.

I don't know what it was. Maybe his stupid face.

But he just really got under my skin.

So I pushed him around a bit, called him hurtful names.

I honestly think if I met him today, he'd thank me.

I prepared him for the harshness of the real world.

Thanks, Jim.

I'm a resource, Wade. You should use me more often.

( lively theme playing )

DRILLBIT: If I remember how to do this...

It really is strong enough for a man.

Did your dad leave any socks behind?

How many tardies can you have before they give you detention?

Emmit, you're drying my eyeballs.

EMMIT: All right. Here's our class schedules,

and a detailed map of the school.

We have first class together.

Meet us behind Life Skills so you can walk us to our lockers.

Remember, I'm not just gonna walk in and start kicking ass.

I gotta protect you, but I need to blend in and lay low.

I'll be visible to you guys, but invisible to everyone else.

( indistinct chatter ) ( Doppler grunts )

Uh-huh. That's a look that says:

"I have no idea what I'm doing here."

( laughs )

All first-time subs have it. Welcome to McKinley.

Heh, thanks. Was it that obvious?

MAN: A little bit.

Ah. Whoa!

Not you kids. Go to class.

Go. Get away from me.

You, second floor, teachers' lounge.

They'll give you your assignment. Right over there.

I'll head up there. Yeah?

Okay. You got it.

( bell ringing )

How you doing? ( woman laughing )

Ugh, teachers' lounge. They're all the same.

Put your names on the food. Smart. Sneaky.

You see Grey's Anatomy last night?

Hey, Lis, got half an orange with your name on it.

Oh, no, thanks.

( clears throat )

Can I help you? No. With what?

Are you lost? No. Why?

Oh. You look like a lost parent.

No. Ha. No. I'm a substitute.

Oh. For what?

For, uh, whatever needs substituting.

They just plug me in. I think I'm just gonna

wait here until they need me in French. That's where I'll go.

You know French? A little bit, yeah.

Enough to get by, or enough to teach these animals.

What do you teach? English.

My native tongue.

I'm Lisa Zachey.

Is that Miss or Mrs. Zachey?

Miss. Miss. It had to be.

Ah. Enchanté.

And who are you? Drill... Uh...

Dr. Illbit. Oh. A doctor.

Teacher. Teacher and a doctor. I just want to help.

People don't care how I do it.

Just give me a chance to help.

Want some hot coffee?

Only in the worst way.

( laughs )

Who can give me another name for gonorrhea?

That's a little hint.

That's right, "the clap." Or "the drip."

All right, Dane? Get the lights.

MAN ( on TV ): In the male, the bacteria of gonorrhea enters

by way of the urethra. From two to five days later,

the guy feels a painful burning,

particularly when he urinates.

They make these to scare us. I'm not scared.

MAN: ...looks like this. ( all gasp )

I really like your suit. Yeah.

I really like your everything. Now, what do we do?

Not many teachers can afford a suit like that.

Yeah? If he wants to eat.

Well, I mainly eat out of a Dumpster.

( both laugh )

I should try that. I need some new dresses.

Don't.

( laughing )

If you do, stay away from the one at Ocean and Wilshire.

That's mine. Seriously, stay out of it.

What are we doing? Let's go. I don't know.

You're a bad boy. Maybe I need a detention.

Heh, you're funny. I'm not joking.

Me, either.

( bell ringing )

Look, I want nothing more than

to spend the rest of the day on this couch with you,

but I got to get to class because my students need me.

Okay? No, no, no.

You have five minutes before the next class.

You do? And you seem like someone

who could accomplish a lot in five minutes.

I hope so.

Although five minutes might be four too many.

( laughs )

Let's go, let's go!

We really like Life Skills. Can we stay in the room?

Practice some life skills out here in the hall.

It's just as important.

Where is he? This is bull.

I should beat the crap out of you two.

There's Brooke!

Oh. Oh, no. There he is.

( dramatic theme playing )

I better get... When are you free? I want to see you.

I have sixth period free.

Okay. I think I have that period free, also.

Why don't we meet back here, okay?

Okay.

You'll be right here? I'll keep the couch warm.

Check the tags and make sure this couch is flame retardant.

I will. You know what I mean?

Flame retardant. Yes.

Because you're hot. ( laughs )

Where is Life Skills?

Drillbit, come in. Please! Where are you? Come in.

I don't know! I can't understand Emmit's map!

Go, go, go! ( gasping )

RYAN: Oh, crap!

I knew Drillbit was a fraud.

I told you! He'll be here!

Life Skills! I need Life Skills!

Out of my way!

Open the door!

How is that up to code?

Mordor Castle coming through!

( gasping )

( growls )

STUDENT: Excuse me. Mordor Castle coming through!

( fire alarm ringing )

TEACHER: This is real! This is not a drill!

Everybody, clear the hall! That means you! Let's go!

The freak actually came through!

Awesome!

Hoo-rah. Hoo-rah.

( hip-hop theme playing )

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Grand Puba ♪

Mr. Filkins! Hm?

Come to the front of the class and read from, um,

The Collected Works of the Romantic Poets.

"I like kissing this and that of you,

I like slowly stroking the shocking fuzz..."

( laughing )

( bell rings ) Hey.

Aren't you the guy that kicked Filkins' butt freestyling?

You better believe it. Call me T-Dog.

Wow, that's cool.

He's so cute. Wow.

DRILLBIT ( over radio ): Wade, this is Drillbit. Come in. Wade!

WADE: Yeah.

Filkins is heading east down the stairs.

The first stairwell. Coming down now. Watch your ass.

Read you. Copy. Roger.

FYI, I heard this pack of girls yapping.

Your girl, Brooke, just got cast in Romeo and Juliet.

You might wanna check that out.

Madame. Madame.

Your lady mother Is coming to your chamber.

The day is broke. Be wary, look about.

♪ ...the groove That keep the crowd hyped ♪

( whistle blows ) ( grunts )

DRILLBIT: Faster! Faster!

Go! I want to see some more!

Go! One! ( blows whistle )

Go! Let's go! One more! ( groaning )

And you guys! Don't just watch!

Do some bass fishing! Reel it in!

Come on! Keep going! Work the thumbs! For texting!

Ho. ho! Look out! How was school, professor?

It is great.

As long as you got a coffee cup in your hand,

nobody says anything.

( bell rings )

I was thinking about writing a paper.

MAN: Hey! Huh?

What the...? Coffee cup.

Castro knew he was not gonna get

any action with Marilyn Monroe.

And that is why John F. Kennedy was shot.

Don! Hello, fellow teacher.

Hoo!

Come on, guys, let's hit the showers!

My rope's too short. I can't get down.

Where are you going? Get back here!

Hold on! What is this?

Ronnie, let yourself down.

Whoa! Oh!

Oh!

Ah!

( both continue grunting )

Oh!

♪ Happy birthday Dr. Illbit ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

MAN: Happy birthday, man.

( Eminem's "Ass Like That" )

♪ Ow, baby ♪

♪ The way you shake it I can't believe it ♪

♪ I ain't never seen a Ass like that ♪

♪ The way you move it You make my pee pee go ♪

♪ Doing, doing, doing ♪

♪ I don't believe it, it's Almost too good to be true ♪

♪ I ain't never seen A ass like that ♪

♪ The way you move it ♪

♪ Doing, doing, doing ♪

♪ The way she moves She's like a belly dancer ♪

♪ She's shaking that To the new Nelly jams ♪

♪ I think someone's At the door ♪

♪ But I don't think I'mma answer ♪

♪ Police saying freeze Doing, doing, doing ♪

♪ What do you mean? Doing, doing doing ♪

( bell rings )

Hey, T-Dog. You've got to admit, hiring Drillbit was a good idea.

Okay. You're right. See?

The freak's worth all the money we're spending on him.

( bell rings ) Good morning.

Great coffee this morning, Dr. Illbit.

Enjoy it.

You know, I really like it here.

You're doing a great job. DRILLBIT: I know I am.

Come here, come here.

Okay. Quick. Pop quiz. You like a girl.

You're completely shocked she likes you.

Things are already crazy hot.

Just loco. Now you'd like to ask her out,

and you're not sure if she's just in it for the sex.

And you haven't been on a date in forever.

You're a little bit afraid,

and don't know what you're doing.

Well, I can't really relate to that.

But I'd just join every club she's in,

and eventually work up the nerve to talk to her.

How's that working for you? Not at all.

Okay. Why don't you do the opposite?

Yeah. Okay.

Congratulations. You just passed.

Scram, crotch blocker.

( mellow theme playing )

Ahem. Hey. Hey.

Look, um... You look pretty. Thank you.

I haven't been on a lot of dates,

and I don't know the way this is supposed to work

because we kind of skipped that part.

But would you want to get together after school?

I'd love to.

I'll see you tonight? Okay.

The battle of Sekigahara,

when Kanetsugu mocked Tokunaga's abuses,

which only infuriated Tokunaga,

who then summoned Toyotomi

and united Japan.

And kept the local feudal lords...

Hey. What are you doing in this club?

I'm Asian.

No, you aren't. I am. A little bit.

Really?

You don't even look a little Asian.

Yeah. I know.

The West attacked first.

So how come I see you in so many activities I'm in?

Just... I joined some of the clubs you were in

because... To have a chance to talk to you.

Wakisaka, 990 men. Ankokuji, 1,800 men...

So...you're not Asian. No.

Well, maybe somewhere way back.

TEACHER: Six thousand, six hundred men...

This is exciting, don't you think? All these men.

Well, you can't quit now.

I'm gonna make you come to all our meetings.

Membership is way down this year.

Okay. I can do that.

BARBARA: Things okay at school? WADE: Yeah. I'm busy.

I know there's a lot of pressure on kids in high school.

There are kids who want you to be your friend,

but also want you to take their drugs.

I just notice you seem to be out of money a lot lately.

I wanna make sure you're not spending money on that.

No! I'm not doing drugs, Mom. I promise.

Coach says drugs are for losers.

You sure you're not high? No!

You're going at your food. Got the munchies?

Anyways. We worry about you. I understand that.

Also, I'm missing, um, a silver platter

that was in the living room. Have you seen it?

Oh. I'm taking Home Ec.

We needed serving trays for appetizers.

Come to think of it, I'm missing a watch.

Did you take that to Home Ec?

Yeah, we're making watch cupcakes, Jim.

Watch it, wise guy.

Hey! Ah! What...?

Careful, Wade, don't sneak up on somebody like that.

Sorry. DRILLBIT: It's okay, but I could

have jumped up and killed you in two moves. Then I'd feel guilty.

I talked to Brooke. Really? Have a seat.

I think she might like me. Yeah?

Yeah. At least a little bit.

All you need. Get your foot in the door.

Don't think I'd have had the confidence to try without you.

Ah, come on.

It's great having someone around who likes me,

and doesn't tell me to play football, like my stepdad.

Just do your best. Be all you can be.

What's the Army always say? "Have it your way."

I think that's Burger King.

Where you think they got it from?

( chuckles ) ( chuckles )

Men talking about women. What else is there?

Here. We made this for you.

An army of four.

( dramatic theme playing )

I don't know if you understand, but before we met you,

we thought our lives were gonna suck forever. At least I did.

You're right. I...

I don't understand, because of how hardened I am.

The tough thing about what I do is I can't let my guard down.

Well, for what it's worth,

I hope after all this is done, you'll still be my friend.

Bye.

LISA: And here I was, all worried that you were gonna

take me to some hip dance club or something.

( laughs ) That's definitely not me.

No, I'm more of a simple, down to earth outdoorsman.

I like that you don't try too hard.

The truth is, this is me trying really, really hard.

That's cute.

Look, I want to talk to you. I mean...

There's some things I want you to know about me.

I want us to look each other in the eye

and get it out on the table. We just... You know, we listen,

and there's no judgment. God, you're just so great.

You're really like the perfect guy for me.

Really? I'm serious.

You're just beautiful and you're nice to me.

And it's so great.

'Cause I'm really just always attracted to such dirt bag guys.

They're out there. I'm a real loser magnet.

It's like, on some unconscious level,

I just need to be with a guy

who has absolutely nothing going for him.

You know, some loser, some bum, lying pig.

Stop, stop, stop.

I get it. You made some bad choices.

Who hasn't? Just, you were starting to rant a little bit.

It's just, I'm happy to be with--

I know.

You're with a doctor now.

Yeah. Thank God.

Oh, let's just kiss.

( playing "Hero" on guitar )

♪ I can be your hero, baby ♪

Did you do that?

Kid just jumped out of the bushes

and started jamming. That's weird.

I got nothing to do with it.

♪ I will stand By you forever ♪

♪ You can take My breath away ♪

( horns honk )

That naked guy's my teacher! What?

He ain't your teacher.

Every day he's at the off-ramp. I give him change.

What do you mean? Like a bum?

What are you talking about? Not a bum! "Less fortunate"!

How you doing?

How's it going, Drillbit?

You know the thing we discussed? DON: Yeah.

Plan's off. Drillbit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Drillbit.

What do you mean, "the plan's off"?

Not off. Let's postpone it.

I don't think we need to get their belongings.

These kids kind of look at me like I'm a hero.

Let's run with that for a bit. Hey.

You're really into this teacher thing, huh?

With the sweaters and loafers. They're wingtips.

You look like you teach Fagonometry.

What the hell is this? Who are you?

I got an old saying for you: "You can't polish a turd."

Don, first of all, that's not an old saying.

You stole that from me. I say it all the time.

Secondly, I'm insulted.

Well, you should be! Drillbit, I know you!

And the real you would do this deal.

A lot of heads wanna feed off this. Don't let us down.

No, that's just it.

For the first time, I'm not letting everybody down.

You're not making any sense!

That guy's a fraud!

He's a bum in a Mr. Rogers sweater!

♪ Back for action No satisfaction ♪

♪ Dressed in The latest fashions ♪

Yo, yo, yo. Check it out. I just saw the new substitute...

Delta 49, this is Yu-Gi-Oh 7

on the highway to the danger zone.

Repeat, on the highway. Oh, spitballs!

Yu-Gi-Oh 47, you are not clear to cross.

Repeat, you got a bogie northbound.

RYAN: Oh, crap. I'm en route.

Guys, hold your position!

( grunts )

Come here, little rat turds! No! Come on!

So, what'd you do, huh, give the substitute teacher

some spare change to give us a hard time?

Mr. Filkins, excuse me. I need you to get to class.

And you three, I want you out of here too!

Go on. Get out of my face, you bum!

Maybe I will if you stop hassling these kids.

But until you do, I'll give you some detentions to think about.

Please don't give me detention.

Yeah. That's my power, and I will exercise it.

Then what? You make us shower on the beach

with you and the rest of the bums? We're on to you.

What's that mean? Freak.

You got some weird little fantasies, kid.

Okay, here's the deal. Let me make it real simple.

I'm faculty--

( grunts )

( whimpering ) Punkass!

( grunts )

He got me in the ear! Run! Run!

Run! Save yourselves!

Medic!

Ow! Medic! Ow!

I got hit right in the nose! Followed by a shot to the ear!

Huh? Oh, man.

Okay. Ah! ( cartilage cracking )

Oh, that didn't work at all.

DRILLBIT: Hey! This whole time he's a bum!

DRILLBIT: Hold it! Wait up! Let me explain!

Explain what, huh?

Filkins is gonna come after us harder than ever!

And what was that about showering on the beach?

Why would you?

It's part of my morning fitness regimen!

I jog on the beach five miles, then swim ten miles!

That's what I do to stay in shape. Then I shower.

So why didn't you defend yourself?

Because I got sucker punched! Look at this!

( winces )

Then I got hit in the ear, which you can't even see

because it's so deep in the ear canal!

I didn't get hurt,

but I went down to give you guys a chance to get away.

We paid you to beat him up!

How am I gonna beat him up with all these kids around?

Then the principal comes, maybe some cops.

They'll find out I'm not a real teacher.

What good am I if I'm sitting in jail?

I took a bullet for you guys today.

You guys got off scot-free! Did you get hurt?

No. Did you get hurt?

No.

I'm like the guy jumping in front of the president.

I don't expect a thank you. That's my job.

But maybe give me a bonus.

Sly used to throw in a car every now and then.

( sighs )

I'm so sorry, Drillbit.

( sighs )

What am I gonna do with you guys?

Want some cereal?

Got any Cap'n Crunch? Yeah.

Let's go.

Drillbit!

What are you doing? What the hell?

Stop! Put that stuff down! I don't know, man.

Back off, man! You know these guys?

No, I don't know these people!

Almost done. I am freaking out!

My parents will kill me! What's going on?

Everything's fine! Wait!

Don? Not like this! Take it easy!

What are you doing? Take it easy.

This isn't the plan.

All the shit's gone in your house.

All the shit is gone in my house!

Don't touch me!

Don't make me Billy Jack your ass.

Ooh!

( grunts, yells )

( boys gasp ) ( laughing )

( laughing )

Huh.

Oh! Ooh!

DRILLBIT: Ah!

That's how you Billy Jack somebody's ass.

Come on, let's go! Let's go! Ha, ha! Get out!

Let's go! Let's go! ( groaning )

You better run! I saw your faces!

I got a photogenic memory!

Get out of my house, you asshole!

There's another one? I'll kill the asshole!

No, you, asshole! Get out of my house!

Look what you've done!

I didn't do anything! ( scoffs )

I'm trying to help you guys! Look at me.

One of 'em peed in your kitchen.

Great! Should I call the police?

No, don't call the police! Just stop!

Drillbit, just tell us the truth.

You can't handle the truth! What do you wanna hear?

That I was raised in an orphanage?

That no one wanted me? You don't want to hear that?

'Cause that's a lie too!

Fine. Maybe I wasn't completely straight

with you about who I am.

So you lied about being in the military.

No! That's true. I was trained by the U.S. Army.

Then why could a teenager beat you up with little effort?

Because I don't like violence.

I wasn't cut out to be a soldier.

Boo-hoo. I like the parts

with the repelling and the crawling through the mud

and the swinging on monkey bars and helping the wounded,

but I don't like confrontation.

Even this, with you three ganging up on me, I don't...

I'm sorry.

You were in the military, huh? Tell me where you served?

My company was in the Middle East.

I was there for, like, half a day. I saw some camels

and heard some... I think, some explosions.

I don't know. It was...

It was so hot over there.

I just climbed in the wheel well of a cargo plane

and I flew back to the U.S. I went AWOL.

Is your name even Drillbit?

Is my na...?

How can you ask me that?

Is it?

( sighs ) No. It's...

It's Alamo Taylor.

No. That's a lie, too.

There I go, trying to impress a bunch of kids again.

( sighs )

When are you gonna grow up?

My real name is Bob Taylor.

Not Robert, just Bob.

There. You satisfied?

And I didn't kill anyone with a drill bit.

Although when I was in high school,

I did puncture my pinky with a drill bit.

And everyone started calling me Drillbit, making fun of me.

You can see the scar...

No. Get away. ...if you look.

Can you see? Look. Ryan, look. You can see it. It's real.

Look. Can you see it in the light?

So you're just using us

to take our money and everything in my house?

( sighs )

( dramatic theme playing )

That's kind of an oversimplification.

I thought you cared about us.

I do.

I thought you were my friend.

Get out, Drillbit. And don't ever come back.

Leave!

I'm sorry.

LISA: Hello?

DRILLBIT: Hey. Yeah, look, I know. I'm sorry.

I know I was supposed to meet you,

but I'm having a real terrible day.

Where are you?

Remember you said you had that

real self-destructive pattern of always going out with guys

that were just real losers, just dirt bags?

Total zeros. Yes.

Well, you might not be out of the woods yet with that.

No, you said you were a doctor. You're a doctor.

You're not a doctor? No, I'm not a doctor.

I'm a homeless U.S. Army deserter.

I was... I'm not a teacher.

I'm at the school. I'm trying to protect these kids.

What... What did you say about homeless?

Like metaphorically speaking, or...in a box?

( sighs ) I got to let it out.

I gotta just let it out. Just...

( howls )

( dogs bark in distance ) That's not it.

WADE: Drillbit? I mean, Bob. It's us, the guys.

Pick up, Bob.

EMMIT: Yeah, pick up, Drillbit. Boys?

RYAN: We're calling the cops on you, and we hope you spend

the rest of your pathetic life in prison!

EMMIT: Now I see why people call you Drillbit,

because you screw people!

WADE: You're a jackass. And a dirt bag.

EMMIT: And I want my bar mitzvah money back.

WADE: Oh, yeah. And I'd like my walkie-talkie back. Over.

I tell you what. I'll give you $1,500 for everything.

Fifteen hundred? Come on, man.

This stuff holds a lot of sentimental value.

To who? The people I stole it from.

I don't care, $1,500. All right. Deal.

What do I do, back this up? Yeah, back it right up.

All right.

How you doing, Don? ( laughing )

( chuckles )

You got a real stupid laugh, you know that?

( laughs )

How about you hop out of that van

so I can kick your ass again?

Sorry, but this haul is getting returned to sender.

Oh, really? Yeah, it is, Don.

And I'll tell you another thing.

This left foot is gonna go on the right side of your face!

Give me a break. I know you,

and the Drillbit I know isn't capable of doing that!

Hoo-rah!

I'll give you one chance to save this friendship!

( grunting )

You ready for this? ( tires screeching )

( Don screaming )

( whimpering ) Oh!

DRILLBIT: Polish that turd, Don!

JIM: Of course it's your fault! You should have stopped them!

WADE: Bear with me. I didn't mean for this to happen.

BARBARA: Oh, God. Please don't scream.

( screaming )

I thought we were robbed! We were!

JIM: We didn't get robbed! We got rearranged!

Your weirdo friends have a marijuana party?

No. Punish him, Dad.

Don't let him get away with this.

Are you smoking pot? No, I'm really confused.

No, Wade. Drillbit must have done it.

Who's Drillbit? Tell me what's going on, Wade.

Oh, God. Who knows what might have happened!

This guy's a veteran!

How many people might he have killed?

Did anybody see To Catch A Predator on Dateline?

I saw that.

They set a booby trap for pedophiles.

A grandfather, a priest... Can you imagine?

You think you're on a date and then police are everywhere.

This guy knows where we live.

Okay. You'll be glad to know

I gave security camera footage of this "Drillbit"

to the police, and they said they'd be watching for him.

What the hell's the matter with you? Are you mentally defective?

You gotta understand, Drillbit was around

because this psychopath over here was gonna murder us!

Filkins is the real criminal!

He has a samurai sword he's used on other victims!

( all shouting )

Sit down!

( yelling )

Sit down! Thank you very much.

Now, Terry, is there any truth to this?

Oh, yeah. All of it.

I'm really a samurai warrior from the 14th century,

sent to kill them.

( all laughing ) WOMAN: He's cute.

Okay. I hope I speak for everyone here

in saying that I feel this issue is resolved.

Very good. Thank you for coming in.

( all talking )

Wasn't that fun? Hell, yeah.

Great. You feel better now, honey?

I didn't know you were alone. We want you over for dinner.

That would be wonderful.

Wade could use more friends.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Give me one, please.

You're kind of a born loser.

It's funny. It's not funny.

It's funny to me. Come on. Don't jinx me.

Don't jinx me.

Five hundred! Yes! Yes! I did it! I got it, man!

Look at that! Your ticket to Canada.

You better believe it!

Come on, man! Finally, I get one!

Come here, you! This candy's on me!

Put it down! You got it!

Well, maybe just get one of them. Here you go!

( dramatic theme playing )

RYAN: Okay. Keep your eyes peeled.

EMMIT: You see Filkins? WADE: No, but I see Brooke.

I'm gonna go for it. I'm gonna ask her out.

Really? Yeah.

RYAN: You waited all this time. Why now?

Why not? My life sucks so badly, even if she says no,

It's not like I have very far to fall.

Hi. Oh, hi.

Look, I don't know how to do this.

In fact, I've wanted to do this for a while,

I just didn't know when would be a good time

or if it would ever be a good time...

It's okay, Brooke.

( screaming )

Bro, I swear to God, those ain't my sodas,

but if you wanted to hire me or something,

like a bodyguard,

I could dedicate my life to finding the real culprit.

Wade, come on, I'm okay. Let's just go.

What'd you say, ho? BOY: Ooh.

You know what? What is your problem?

Why don't you leave them alone?

What are you gonna do, bro?

What are you gonna do? Huh?

You aren't gonna do anything,

because you don't have any balls.

It's just not in you.

( grunts ) ALL: Oh!

You see? Look at that.

Sackless.

Why do you even waste my time?

You're pathetic.

You all right, Wade?

Don't worry about that guy. He's just insecure.

Get up. Let's get out of here.

EMMIT: Wade? Where are you going? T-Dog, stop him!

I'll kick the crap out of you right now. Know why?

Half because everyone is sick of your garbage,

and half because of what you said to Brooke!

Do you think I'm dumb?

Trying to trick me into getting myself in trouble?

Fine. Then we'll beat your face in somewhere else. Anywhere.

You name it. Okay, good.

Everybody! I'm gonna kick their asses

tonight at my house!

Everybody should come!

It's gonna be hilarious! Ultimate Geek Fighting!

Once you step on my property,

you're freaking trespassing, brother,

and I can do anything I want.

You're nothing but a pathetic wimp

and everyone's gonna know by the end of tonight, brother.

And I will see you there!

( cheering )

What have I just done?

That was awesome, man. Me and Emmit will back you up.

Now, it's "me and Emmit"?

You've never been nice to me

and I've only been kind to you.

I've tried hard to make this friendship work,

but I am not going to die for someone who won't die for me!

Survival technique!

I renounce violence! I have a future!

What do we do next?

Guess we better learn how to fight.

Left. Left!

RYAN: That's what I'm talking about!

That's what I'm talking about! Yes!

This PowerBar's really working.

I feel stronger.

I feel fatter.

You want me to hit you?

Come on. Do me this one favor.

That was perfect!

All right. We need to learn how to take a punch. Ready?

Let me go first. All right?

Okay.

( moaning ) Block out the pain.

Remember what that douchebag Drillbit taught us:

Mind over pain! Okay.

All right. Hit me in the chest.

( groaning ) Jeez!

Your knuckles are all bone! All right.

We get to call how hard the other guy hits.

All right.

Ten being the hardest, how hard you want it?

Five. In the back.

( screams )

Oh, God!

Wonder what it feels like getting hit in the forehead.

( grunting ) Jeez!

All right. New rule! Okay.

I won't tell you where I hit you.

I don't like that. It's good.

It's not good. It simulates a real fight.

All right, fine.

Ah!

Ow! I can't see this coming.

There's no way Wade can hurt me.

Oh! Not balls!

Oh! You hit me in the nuts!

( groans )

WADE: "Dear Mom:

"If you're reading this,

it's very possible that I'm dead."

RYAN: "If I don't survive, you should definitely sue Emmit's family."

WADE: "P.S. Sorry I let your silver platter get stolen."

RYAN: "My raps will become more valuable now.

Feel free to sell them to Ghostface Killah."

Remember the plan: strike first and strike hard.

You go for the head, I'll go for the nuts.

( both gulping )

( rock theme playing )

♪ Punch you down On both sides ♪

♪ Shut up your mouth Your mouth ♪

♪ And do the right thing ♪

♪ I can't change your mind ♪

♪ Get out, get out, get out And do the right thing ♪

( Ghostface Killah's "The Champ" playing )

It actually looks like a cool party.

Hey, guys. So, uh,

how does it feel to know death is a few moments away?

Where's Filkins? In the kitchen.

In case we don't make it,

I don't want to have any regrets.

Face!

I got the first hit out of the way. Let's get some.

( suspenseful theme playing )

Hey! Hey, hey! Everybody, everybody!

These kids actually came!

These are the Siamese queers I've been telling you about!

( laughter )

They showed up! They really are that dumb!

I hate when he calls me that.

FILKINS: We're gonna have a good time!

Ah! Oh!

It worked. It's over!

That was easy. We did it!

Everybody, from ninth grade to twelfth grade,

I promise you, his reign of tyranny is over!

( Filkins moaning ) I proclaim it!

He will never bother us again!

And he's getting up!

You're dead. And I'm in big trouble!

( screaming )

I'm up!

Catch me off guard? You broke my stairs!

My father loved those stairs!

Blocking out the pain?

I thought I was for a second, but I'm totally not.

You want to play?

Let's play.

( cackling ) ( yelling )

Get up! Come on!

Hey, boys!

Yo, give me some murder music.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

( heavy metal theme playing )

Yo, yo. Back off.

I want to fight both these bitches.

BOY: They're yours, Filk! They're yours, baby!

You're the bitch! Huh?

( screaming )

That's right! ( laughter )

What the...? Ah!

Emmit's got game!

ALL: Oh!

Bear hug!

( screaming )

I have reach! I have reach!

Go on, Wade! You're like Rocky! Get back out there!

I can't breathe! You won't hurt me anymore?

I won't hurt you! Let go! I can't breathe!

I'll let go. You won't hurt me...

I have reach! BROOKE: No! Wade!

Hey! Hey, there! Ah! ( crowd groaning )

Didn't hurt! Really?

Okay, that did.

Let that kid go.

Private Drillbit Taylor reporting for duty! Hoo-rah.

You came back? DRILLBIT: Yeah.

What the hell are you even doing here?

What, you need more money from these geeks?

No. But this fight is over!

You hear me? Abierto!

Done.

It's over, people! Pack it up! Go home!

Look, you're a young man. You got...

You got a crazy look in your eye.

It's really freaking me out right now.

Oh!

( laughing )

Nice punch.

I try to be reasonable, but, uh,

I gotta tell you, these boys

hired me as their bodyguard and I will...protect them?

( yelling ) Oh.

( laughing )

Want to hear something crazy?

Deep inside you, I know there's a good kid.

( grunts )

God damn it. I am sick of getting hit by this kid.

Come on, Drillbit. Kick his ass.

I can't! He's a minor! No, he's not. He's 18.

You're 18?

Um-hmm.

( dramatic theme playing )

( growling )

( cheering )

How old are you?

Okay, I'm 17! I'm a minor. My mom drives me to school!

I swear to God!

That was awesome. Drillbit, you're badass.

I don't think I could do that again.

It's weird. I guess it's like when a mother lifts

an automobile off a child. You get that burst of strength.

That's the only way I can explain. Adrenaline.

That's the word for it.

My hands are still shaking. Thanks for coming back.

You kidding me? I had to do it.

I'm not gonna go AWOL on you boys.

I made that mistake once. ( siren wails )

Crap on a shit sandwich! I'm out of here! Adios!

Bye, Drillbit!

FILKINS: Hey, fags!

This ain't over!

He feels no pain.

Was that my pinky?

( screaming )

Are you okay? Ah! My finger!

I'm so sorry.

DRILLBIT: Why did I catch a sword?

Let me see. I lost it.

Let me see. ( all scream )

It's okay. I'm blocking the pain.

I can't block this pain. Get some ice for me.

Help me find it before the ants get it.

Don't tell my dad!

Find it before a rat gets it.

Look over there. Is that it?

Guys, I found it!

No! Oh!

I found it. ( siren wails )

Get me some ice. Ice!

A margarita all right? Ew, bro!

We gotta get you to a hospital.

All right. Let's go.

It's gonna be okay.

Congratulations, boys. You just caught the great Bob Taylor.

Fantastic. No alcohol in the car.

Let me get the finger out.

Hoo-rah.

Dudes, that was awesome!

You have no idea how long kids have waiting to do that.

Thanks. This will be blogged for sure!

I'm so glad I didn't go to my sister's birthday party!

Terry's always been crazy.

He's threatened me with his sword all the time.

I'm tired of being scared.

Hey, are you okay? Uh, yeah.

Ah!

When the adrenaline rush passes, I'll be in a lot more pain.

Um, I don't want you to think I'm the kind of guy

who tries to impress girls with violence,

but that was kind of for you.

That was very brave of you.

Emmit, I can't believe I'm saying this,

but you, my friend, are one crazy son of a bitch.

You know that?

You have no idea how scared I was.

All right. Let's get something to eat. I'm starving.

DRILLBIT: "Dear Wade, Ryan and little, tiny Emmit:

"Thanks for sending the Cap'n Crunch.

Suddenly, I'm very popular in here."

Hey, Bob, give me some of that Cap'n Crunch

or I'll stab you in the shower.

Just kidding.

DRILLBIT: "I was glad to read in your last correspondence

"that Filkins was shipped off, back to Hong Kong

"to be with his parents

"for breaking so many underage drinking laws.

"Now maybe high school can be what you want it to be,

"instead of sucking rat nads.

"As for me, every time I look at where my pinky used to be,

I think of you boys and our battles together."

It's kind of cool.

"Luckily, they have a work-release program,

"and I'll be able to land a job,

"which excites me a great deal.

"And speaking of exciting me a great deal, Miss Zachey and I

"have been in contact.

"I don't know why women dig guys in prison,

"but they really do.

"On top of that, all I can say is, I miss you guys

"and will see you when I get out,

"which, thanks to the currently lenient nature

"of the U.S. Army deserting laws,

"is in two days from now,

"officially satisfying my three-week sentence.

"Your brother, Bob Taylor, a.k.a. Drillbit.

"a.k.a. Alamo Taylor.

I still like the sound of that."

( squealing )

WADE: Drillbit!

Get in here! Come here! Fall in!

Give me a hug!

Well, that'll keep me smiling all day.

That's my buddy, Drillbit.

He's a cool guy. We're in a fight right now.

This was the longest three weeks of my life.

Get shanked in jail? It wasn't that bad.

The guy in the next cell taught me Spanish.

Did you know abierto means "open"?

( Weezer's "Photograph" playing )

♪ If you want it You can have it ♪

♪ But you've got to learn to Reach out there and grab it ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody Wants some love ♪

♪ Shooting from The stars above ♪

♪ And though My heart will break ♪

♪ There's more That I could take ♪

♪ I could never get enough ♪

♪ If you need it You should show it ♪

♪ 'Cause you might play so Monastic that you blow it ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody Wants some hope ♪

♪ Something they Can barely know ♪

♪ And though my heart will break ♪

♪ There's more that I could take ♪

♪ I could never let it go ♪

♪ It's in the photograph ♪

♪ It's in the photograph ♪

♪ It's in the Photograph of love ♪

♪ 'Cause everybody Wants a dream ♪

♪ Something they Can barely see ♪

♪ And though my heart will break ♪

♪ There's more that I could take ♪

♪ I could never let it be ♪

♪ It's in the photograph ♪

♪ It's in the photograph ♪

♪ It's in the Photograph of love ♪

♪ If you blew it Don't reject it ♪

♪ Just sit drawing up The plans and re-erect it ♪

♪ Just sit drawing up The plans and re-erect it ♪

♪ Just sit drawing up The plans and re-erect it ♪

( applause )

( dramatic theme playing )