All language subtitles for Bridegroom.2013.DVDrip.x264.AC3-NoGRP-eng

[ dramatic music plays ]

- It was a four-story fall...

From the top of the roof
to the concrete pavement below.

He had just passed
his 29th birthday.

-911. Can I help you?

- I need a paramedic. He fell.

- How far did he fall?

- He fell four stories,
which would be 40 feet.

Blood in his mouth,
and other than that,

I don't know
if there's any other injuries.

- We had been texting each other all day.

His name was tom.

And he was my life.

At the beginning
of our relationship,

Tom and I bonded over
the many similarities we had.

[ sniffles ]

We both grew up listening
to country music.

Garth brooks is our favorite
country artist.

[ sniffles ]

And, somehow, we both agreed
that "the dance"

Is our favorite country song.

If there was ever a person

To truly emulate the lyrics
of this song, it was tom.

- # holding you

- Holding you...

- # I held everything
- ... I held everything.

- # for a moment

- For a moment...

- # wasn't I the king?
- ... Wasn't I the king?

- # but if I'd only known

# how the king would fall

# hey, who's to say

# you know,
I might have changed it all #

# and I

# I'm glad I didn't know

# the way it all would end

# the way it all would go

# our lives

# are better left to chance

# I could have missed the pain

# but I'd have had to miss

# the dance

[ wistful country music plays ]

- Kalispell, montana, is probably
not the easiest place

To have a child grow up
who is gay.

Our community is...

You don't want to say
backwoodsy,

But, you know, they're rural,

And so they don't accept
people who are different.

The day shane was born,

I had to get a special leave
from the hospital

To go sign my divorce papers.

So I was the talk
of the hospital

'cause we're a small,
little town,

And [chuckles] that was kind of
a special moment in my life.

- I think that, you know,

They might have gotten married
too soon, possibly,

And they kind of
just grew apart.

My dad, he's a character.

He was a wrestler in college,
and he loves hunting.

I would go hunting with my dad,

And all of a sudden,

After he'd shoot a deer,
I would end up in tears,

'cause I kept
thinking "bambi"...

Like, "my dad just shot
bambi. "

After a while,
he stopped taking me hunting.

I made a deal with my dad,
growing up,

That I would try
all different sports.

- He tried baseball.

He tried basketball.

He tried them all.

I remember one loss they had,

And shane hardly played at all,
but, boy, he took it hard.

And that was pretty cute,

But he wasn't much
of a contributor.

- My first memory of shane
was at a school play,

And he was just singing,
dancing...

Whatever he could do
to entertain, he was doing it.

We had made a car.
We used red glitter.

And shane wanted that car
like none other.

- He was in fourth grade,

And I remember
him telling his teacher

That, when he graduated
from high school,

He was going to california.

And I just thought,
"why is that?"

You know,
that just seemed so strange.

- I particularly remember
him singing barbra streisand.

He was running
around the room in circles

And singing
right in everyone's face...

# you don't bring me flowers

Like, just so charismatic
and so unafraid.

- I was in elementary school,

And what I would do sometimes
is...

I didn't want to go to bed,

And my mom
would tell me to go to bed,

And then I would sneak out

And sit behind her recliner
and watch the tv,

'cause I wanted
to kind of be a little rebel.

One time, she was watching
the movie "philadelphia. "

[ choir singing in latin ]

Finally,
it got to the end of the movie,

And I knew
that this guy was gay,

And I knew that he was sick

And he was dying
because of being gay,

And that really...
it struck a chord with me

'cause I knew
that... I was like him.

That guy liked another guy,
and look what happened...

He kept getting thinner,
he kept getting pale,

And there was like sores
on his face and his body,

And I just remember thinking
that, "that's gonna be me.

That's gonna happen to me. "

- He got quieter,

And he wasn't as fun
to be around.

You could tell that something
was always on his mind,

Something was always
bothering him,

But you never knew
what it was.

- One night, I remember
shane coming into my room,

And he said,
"mom, I'm dying of a. I.D.S."

And I said, "honey,
why are you saying that?"

And he goes,
"well, because of that movie. "

And I said, "well, honey,
you don't have a. I.D.S."

And that's when I really noticed

Shane starting to have
panic attacks.

- He felt like
he couldn't breathe.

And we would have to say,

"you've got to put a sack
over your head. "

He didn't like doing it,

But when he was at my house,
we put a sack over his head.

- So as time went on,

I would sneak into one
of the bedrooms in our house

And I would dial 911
and tell them that I was dying.

- And all of a sudden,

I see these flashing lights
in the driveway,

And I thought,
"what is going on?"

And I go upstairs,
and here is the ambulance

Saying that somebody
is in distress in this home.

Somebody was choking.
Somebody was suffocating.

- It led to her being like,
you know, "shane, god damn it!

The cops are here again. "

- From sixth grade, till I got
that kid through high school,

I didn't know
if I was gonna survive.

I bet 10, 15 times
he called 911.

The money [chuckles]

That it, you know,
cost me through the years...

It was very stressful.

But it was real to him,
and I knew it was real to him,

And I wanted him to feel
he was safe.

- She finally decided

That this is maybe more serious
than she can handle,

So she set me up
with a therapist.

- When shane got done
with his session,

He asked me to come in,
and he said,

"your son just needs to admit
to himself that he's gay,

And everything will be fine. "

And I said,
"how can you say that?

He's not gay. "

And doctor hausser said,
"well, you know,

That's something you're gonna
have to come to peace with. "

- I always suspected...
I'm not gonna lie to you.

It took me a couple days
to process,

And the thing
it come down to is,

"I ain't making any more kids...

I better stay in good
with the ones I got. "

And I love him unconditionally,
so it just doesn't matter.

- It's kind of funny now that,
here I was a little boy,

On my knees, praying to god
that I wouldn't be gay,

And there was another little boy

1,500 miles away in indiana
doing the same thing.

- Knox, indiana,
is not the easiest place

For a gay kid to grow up.

It's very homogenous...
not much diversity there.

I knew tom

When both of our brothers
were in boy scouts together.

Everybody loved him.

And he was just the popular kid.

He had a lot of empathy.

I'll never forget,
the day my mom died,

Tom was the first person
to come over to my house.

He walked in the door,
and he was crying...

You know, almost like
he's sadder than I am.

Tom's mother and father
each had children

From previous marriages.

So, tom was the only child
between the two parents,

And he was the center
of attention in the family.

He was the center of attention
everywhere he was.

Tom would always be playing the
piano at home,

Singing, dancing around.

- # come on, baby

# you're driving me crazy

# goodness gracious

# great balls of fire!

- He was doing his tricks
on the trampoline,

And he was always performing.

For tom, there was never
any such thing as too much.

Tom's dad, he was a simple
blue-collar worker,

Came home late, got up really
early the next day,

And, you know, did it again.

Both of his parents sacrificed
a lot for tom's happiness.

His mom took a job as a janitor
so that tom could go to culver.

Not many parents
would do that...

Would start cleaning toilets
so their son could have

The best education.

Tom's dad was in vietnam,
and that's why

He went to vietnam
when he was in high school.

He definitely respected his dad
for fighting for his country.

I think, as tom got older,
as tom became his own person,

It just became difficult
for them to connect.

Tom was always very adamant

About saying
what he believed in,

And it didn't work with his dad.

[ rap music plays ]

- And it's sad,
but I really think that,

If more people would give me
a chance to be their friend,

I could show them that,

Just 'cause
I'm not exactly like them,

That I'm still
a good person.

Hi. How's it going?

[ laughing ] what?

I'm just coming
to get the usual.

All right. Thank you.

It's kind of pathetic

If they know exactly what I get
every time.

In kalispell, seriously,

There's tons of people
at dairy queen.

It's the cool place to be.

[ laughing ] yeah, let's see.

What?

She just closed the camera.

Oh, there's... there's...

[ laughs ]

Oh, geez.
They closed the windows.

I actually worked here,

But I didn't tell people
that I worked here.

I have to admit

That I want to be
one of those people

That people are like,
"ooh!

Whoa! He looks good. "

'cause I enjoy running,

But when I run, it's on
a treadmill in our house,

Because I do not want
people seeing me running.

I do not want people to see me,
really, at all.

The one thing that I wanted

Was just someone that I could
talk to and relate to,

That accepted me for being me.

I developed a crush
for a guy named matt parker.

And we would spend the night
at each other's houses

All the time.

We would play basketball
outside.

We were just best friends.

It was in high school
that I finally got the courage

To tell matt how I felt,
and I wrote him a love letter.

I was nervous.

I was so nervous
about giving him the letter.

But he had to tell me
that he's not gay.

And it broke my heart,
but at the same time,

I was still so happy that
he was willing to be my friend.

- There was a situation with
a couple friends in high school,

And they were questioning
his sexuality

And kind of were,
you know, mocking him,

Making fun of him,

And a couple of his friends
completely shunning him.

- I got a phone call from one
of his best friend's mother,

And she wanted me to come over.

She was very upset.

- Once my mom told me that she
was going over to matt's house,

I knew immediately
this was not gonna be good.

- It wasn't, you know,
really a love, love letter.

It was just,
you know, he admired matt,

He enjoyed his time,

And it was just, I thought,
like a good friendship letter.

- It was nothing distasteful.

It was nothing sexual.

It was just telling him
how he felt about him.

- I let her say
everything she wanted to say,

And after she was done,
I just told her,

I said, "you'll never have
to worry about this again,

Because shane will never
be around matt,

And I don't to ever hear
from you again. "

I don't want to say
what I really told her.

It wasn't polite,
and I just told her, basically,

Take the flying leap
and to leave my son alone.

- Matt's parents were
very prominent in the community.

His dad was a principal.

His mom was a teacher.

I was told by the principal

That I wasn't allowed

To go to any sporting events,

Because matt was on the teams.

- That was the big place to be.

That was where everyone
in town was,

And shane wasn't welcome.

- Matt was also in the same
church community,

And shane wasn't able

To go on a very important trip
with his youth group.

- Matt's parents made it
so he couldn't go,

And he had raised all this money
to go on this trip,

And he was devastated.

He acted
like it was no big deal,

But you could tell he was hurt.

- Once this letter came out,

This boy and his parents went
and shouted it to the world.

Kids at school were constantly
picking on him.

- He wasn't accepted anymore.

They called him gay.

They called him fag.

The names that they called him
were just horrendous.

- There's a mentality
of the "cowboy way,"

Which does not include
people that are gay.

So it's a tough place.

- Before he was banned,
shane was at a football game,

And all these kids started
spitting in this cup.

And next thing I know,
the one kid

That used to be a real good
friend of shane's had this cup,

And he was just about ready
to tip it on shane's head.

And [snaps fingers] let me
tell you... if you want to talk

About a mother bear
protecting her cub,

This woman came unglued.

I said, "you put that damn cup
down, and leave him alone. "

It was just heartbreaking
to see that happen to my son.

- It was after all the drama
with matt and his family

That I just went
to a really dark place,

And I had a breakdown.

- I got a call from the school
informing me

My son hasn't been to school
for two weeks.

- Other kids made his life
literally a living hell,

And it never really got better,

And I don't think he ever saw
it would get better,

And that's why
he just stopped going.

- One evening,
all three daughters and I

Went to the furniture store,

And it was his birthday,

And he was by himself,
just hanging out with his mom.

He was very depressed.

He was not shane.

He was like a shell of himself.

- I was sick of the embarrassment
and the pain

That I was bringing
to my family.

I felt like the only way that
I can make their lives better

Is by taking my own.

I was at my dad's house,
I was home alone,

And I just walked
over to his gun case.

And I took one of the guns,

And I just went
back in the living room,

And I just sat there,
and I held it.

I mean,
there was so many thoughts,

Like, going through my head
at that moment.

It was like for over an hour,
just really contemplating,

Like, what my next step
should be.

Fortunately,
I also thought through

In that it wouldn't be fair
to my family.

It wouldn't be fair to my mom.

And I just had to visualize

What the experience
would be like for them

If I did take my life.

And it wouldn't be worth it.

Also, on some level,
I must have believed

That, somehow, someday,

There's gonna be someone
out there

Who's gonna love me for me.

- [ vocalizing ]

- Tom just had this presence.

He had this energy.

He was always singing
and laughing

And enjoying life so much.

- # there was a decorated general
with a heart of gold #

- He was at the top of his class.

He was a leader
in all aspects of the word,

In sports, and in school.

- # on the battlefield...

- Every time you met tom,

It felt like you were meeting
your best friend.

And it didn't matter
who you were...

He always had your back.

I think tom went to culver

Instead of the high school
in his hometown

Because he saw
it as an opportunity

To open his horizons,

And, you know, his parents
played a big role in that.

His mom worked at culver

Primarily so that they could
afford the reduced tuition

So that tom would have
all those opportunities.

He came out to me
our senior year.

It was at night, and we were
sitting in the grass,

And I remember he got really
serious all of a sudden,

And he said, "I have something
to tell you...

I'm gay. "

Then he put his head in his lap,

And he was crying
and really emotional about it.

I think he was really afraid
of being judged.

It didn't surprise me at all.

This is coming
from my friend who,

Probably three or four
weeks ago,

Was singing "I'm a barbie girl,"

While jumping on a trampoline
in his backyard.

- He knew everybody,
and everybody knew him.

I felt like
my popularity scale rose

Just because
I hung out with him.

Tom was friends
with anne hathaway in school.

He also was friends
with tom hanks' daughter.

I never could wrap
my mind around it,

Because here was tom,
this sort of midwestern,

Corn-fed,
american-pie-eating guy,

Who came
from this tiny town in indiana,

Who then went
to military school.

He was able
to get along and succeed

In that entire social circle
and academic circle

And then went to vassar,
which is this liberal place

And a completely different vibe.

He just sort of was magic.

- Tom, for as beautiful as he was
and, you know [chuckles]

The fact that he knew
how beautiful he was,

He did not care at all
about how other people looked.

And he did not care
where you came from,

What car you drove.

He just accepted anybody
and everybody for who they were,

And I think because he was gay

And because
he knew what it was like

To be not the mainstream,
normal person.

He told me many times

How much he respected me because
I was hearing-impaired.

What 20-something-year-old
says to you,

"wow, you're amazing...
you've done so much"?

"I'm in total awe of you... "

Who says that? Nobody.

- [ singing classical music
in latin ]

[ piano playing ]

- He gave recitals
of classical music.

He wrote
incredibly heartfelt lyrics.

But he was tough,
'cause he could kick your ass.

He could wrestle you down.

I know
that his dad was very stern.

The idea of manhood
and masculinity

And presenting yourself
in a certain way

Was important to him.

I think he wanted to have tom
basically play that role.

And tom knew
how to play it very well.

There was definitely

An unspoken understanding
between tom and I

That he was gay.

And I know
that was a struggle for him,

Because he still hadn't told
his parents.

I think tom
was literally worried

That his dad would kill him.

- Well, I'm leaving kalispell
right now,

And it's roughly 3:00.

And, yep, I am nervous.

I have been talking
to my family,

And everyone's crying
and doing that whole thing.

I'm gonna be on my cellphone

So it looks like
I'm not talking to myself.

Everyone gave me money
and told me to be safe.

So, here I go.

- After graduation,
he got a scholarship

To go to the school
here in town.

[ voice breaking ]
and so it was hard

For me to not have him take it.

'cause he wanted
to go to california.

- I knew,
when he went to hollywood,

He was going to be okay,

And he can mix in with
where a lot of gay people were.

- I didn't even know
he [chuckling] went to...

[ normal voice ]
my mind is gone.

I can't remember many things.

- # I love rock 'n' roll

# put another dime
in the jukebox, baby #

- # what you are

# we made you

# oh, if you really love me

[ vocalizing ]

# a whole new wo-o-o-o-o-o-rld

# that's where we'll be

- We first met shane

At a family wedding
in missoula, montana.

He said, "eventually,
I'd like to move to california. "

Well, three months later,

We got a phone call from him
that he was here.

- So we kind of tried
to steer him...

Helping him get a job,
a place to live.

And we became
like his adopted parents.

- I think he was barely
18 years old,

This thin kid with curly hair,

Out of montana
into the big city.

He was very quiet,
very reserved.

- He showed me some head shots
that he took.

- He had wavy, wavy hair,
and he looked like liberace.

- Oh. Right. Right, right.

- And I thought, "oh, my god. "
- right.

- "what am I gonna tell
this kid?"

Shane said
he wanted to be an actor.

But after a very short time,
it became clear

He just wanted
to get to california.

- I got a job working
as a production assistant

For a tv show.

- Shane and I met
in the tape vault,

And it was pretty much
love at first sight.

He's got that small-town
kind of quality to him.

He's just so likeable
and funny and so humble.

Shane doesn't necessarily see
sort of what everyone else sees.

- One of my friends
that I worked with,

She invited me to go bowling
with one of her friends.

- We had this idea

That we had to get tom and shane
to meet each other.

But we didn't tell them
that it was a setup.

- She said that there was gonna
be this guy there named tom

And that he's active
in the industry,

So she thought that maybe
it would be a good person

To be connected with.

- We get there.

He is ridiculously attractive...

Gorgeous, if you will...
so charismatic.

He was an actor.

I think he had been
in a few things.

And almost immediately,

[chuckling]
shane became skeptical.

He was like, "who is this guy?"

And I'm like, "why is he
bothering you so much, shane?"

- He was four years
older than me.

Like, he had traveled the world,

You know,
spoke a different language.

He played
a bunch of instruments.

He was just so cocky
and confident,

And, well, of course, he, like,
was bowling really well.

And then here I am, like,
can't even knock five pins down.

So, it wasn't too long
after we went bowling

That we all got together again
at my friend lizzy's apartment.

It was that night

That we finally exchanged
phone numbers.

We ended up hanging out,

You know,
a few times here and there.

And he was always singing.
He was always happy.

- # life is a highway

# I want to ride it
all night long #

- Tom and I, we would spend
all day together,

And then he would go home,

Which would lead to,
later in the evening,

Talking on the phone
for a few hours.

It did not take long

For me to really feel
comfortable with tom,

That I could tell him anything.

Like,
I trusted him with my life.

- Tom was a very confident
person.

[ chuckles ]
he went after shane.

At first, shane was like, "aah,"

'cause he had never been
in a relationship before.

This was his,
you know, first love.

- We went to hear tom one time,

And shane would look around
the room while he was playing

Because he wanted to make sure
everybody was paying attention

And seeing what he saw.

And there is a jewish word
called kvell.

And that's what he looked like
when tom performed...

He was kvelling.

He was glowing.

- It was incredible
to finally experience

That feeling of love...
you know, like the butterflies.

It's what I always imagined
that all my friends felt.

It didn't take long for me
to move into his apartment.

- They got very close
very quickly.

I think their freedom
wasn't moving to I.A.

I think tom was definitely
the door for shane

To come to terms with himself.

- Tom was a safe place.

When tom met shane,
he was a little, lost sheep.

And tom
really looked out for shane.

- He loved making dinner
even when he was really tired.

He loved tying my ties...

Even properly
tucking my shirt in,

Because at culver, they teach
you how to do all that.

- Tom truly was pursuing
his dreams,

And shane knew
that bills had to be paid.

Shane was the level-headed one.

- What one couldn't think of,
the other one could.

They found
an awful lot in common.

They were both romantics.

They're both from small towns.

Both wanted to make
an impression on the world.

- They were always smiling
and always having a good time.

I mean,
they're the kind of couple

That makes you believe in love.

- I just loved their bickering,

Which was really flirting.

That was probably my favorite
part of their relationship.

- I did this once
in military school...

The kid had to shave his head.

[ both laugh ]
- why are you telling me that?

Seriously, don't pull so hard.

- They were like
an old married couple...

They were young, gay,
but they never wanted to go out.

I'm like, "let's go to the bar.
Let's go to the club. "

They didn't go out a lot,

'cause they were always working,
trying to build something.

- I know that, for tom,
it wasn't just about fidelity,

Which, of course,
was like number one.

It was also about being

Completely
emotionally available,

Mentally available,
spiritually available to shane.

- When you get to my age,

You start being
a little agnostic

That anything like that
can occur.

But over time,
it became pretty apparent

That this was something
that was probably going

To last
for a very, very long time.

There was an aura about them
that just was something special.

- Everyone in this room,

Or anyone watching
this documentary could wish

That they had
the love that tom and shane had.

That's what you dream about
at night.

And they had it.

- Shane and tom started doing
online promotion for musicians.

And they had the little,
tiny shack of a studio,

But it was just so much fun,

And we would just spend
hours and hours

Just trying to think of ways
to take over the world.

- All of a sudden,

There was this factory of videos
that started coming out.

They had all these ideas

For what could be a tv show
or a travel show.

- Hey, everybody, I'm tom,
in the beautiful, extremely hot

And humid city
of rio de janeiro, brazil.

- Welcome to tomandshane. Com.
- Welcome to tomandshane. Com.

- I'm tom.
- And I'm shane.

- And we're in oahu.
- And we're in oahu.

- Why do you always
do that voice?

[ nasally ]
I know. I'm the pilot.

- [ nasally ]
this is better than a pilot.

- [ normal voice ]
you know you do that voice.

- Oh, I know.
- Okay.

- They became adventurers,
filmmakers, documentarians.

I think they just really liked
the idea

Of taking the excitement
that they had and sharing it.

- The more
tom and I fell in love,

The more we wanted
to tell our parents about it.

But each of us had
the philosophy

That there was no need
to tell your family

Until you found that person

That you were gonna spend
the rest of your life with.

So, my mom and my aunt
were visiting,

And it was very late at night,

But I told my mom
that I had to talk to her.

With tom by my side, I said,
"mom. "

- I said, "honey, if you're gonna
tell me you're gay, that's fine.

I know it,
and I'm okay with it. "

And I said,
"and is tom your partner?"

And tom goes,
"yep. I'm his partner. "

Tom was sitting there waiting
for a big blowup or something,

And I just said, "well, great.

You know, I don't have to worry
about shane like I did. "

Tom was my godsend.

Shane didn't have
his anxieties anymore.

He was more confident.

He was happy.

He was just more of a man.

- I never imagined

That I could love my mom
even more than I did.

She had been there through
all my struggles of being gay.

And we never said out loud
what the real deal was,

But now we had.

It was the greatest feeling
ever.

- # chestnuts roasting
on an open fire #

- Tom and I knew

It would be a challenge
to come out to his parents.

So, he was in indiana
for christmas.

It was just him and his mom.

And there was something
that came on tv

About a lesbian couple,

And tom's mom made a comment
about how that was disgusting.

And tom, at that moment,
just realized,

"like, I need to tell her. "

- He told his mom, "mom, I'm gay.

When you say things like that,
you're talking about me. "

- He was, I think,
sort of building

On what had happened
when shane came out.

Shane had come out
to his mother,

And she basically
filled in the blanks...

"oh, you're gay.
I knew that already.

I always knew that. "

- I was sure that his mom
knew that he was gay.

But she immediately called
his dad to come home from work

Because of this breaking news.

And she went on and on
about how it was a sin

And that tom
should have told them sooner

So he could
have gotten medical help.

- His dad said a lot
of hateful things towards him

And blamed shane
for making him gay.

- "it's shane's fault.
Shane turned you gay.

Being in I.A. Turned you gay. "

- "all of your accomplishments
so far mean nothing now. "

- They said, "change your mind.
You have to change your mind. "

And tom said
that he just kept saying no...

Like, you know,
"I can't change my mind.

It's not a mind-change thing. "

- Tom called me.

He told me that his dad pulled
a shotgun on him.

And at that point,
I was really scared.

So, while tom and I were
on the phone,

His dad, norman, literally
ripped the door off the hinges.

And his mom got on the phone,
and she said to me,

"listen here, fucker...

I don't know
what you did to our son,

But we're gonna come to I.A.,
and we're gonna find you. "

- I think the phrase
his dad used was,

He was gonna come
out to california and gut him.

- I used to always have
this fantasy

Of tom and I going
to indiana for christmas

And just, you know, going to bed

And waking up
on christmas morning,

All of us going out
to the living room...

You know, there's the tree,

And tom and I just sitting there
with his family,

Opening presents together,

And me just saying something
that I think's funny,

And I look over,
and tom's parents are laughing.

It's stupid, but it's just...

It would be like
an incredible thing

If something like that happened.

- When the police showed up
at the house,

Tom's dad just kind of
pooh-poohed it off, and he said,

"ah, you know how
these california kids are. "

Those phone calls
for those next two days,

Until tom got out of there,
were just...

My heart just broke
for both of those boys.

It was just so scary and so sad.

- So, that next morning,

Tom's parents
were in the kitchen

With a bible on the table.

Out loud, they were saying
the verses,

Almost, in a way,
just to justify

That, the day before,

They beat up their son
because he was gay.

He's like,
"I can't believe this.

"I just got attacked
and told

"that I should have taken
the fact that I'm gay

To the grave. "

- # merry christmas

- It was just an awful situation,

And tom, you know, got out
of there as soon as he could

And flew back to california.

- # to you

- So, eventually, martha made
her way out to california,

And I was
really, really nervous.

This was like the first time
that I was going to see martha

Since that,
you know, horrible experience.

- I think martha came here

Because she did not want
to lose her son.

So she had to embrace shane

And act like she accepted
the relationship.

- It was a little awkward
for awhile.

But, eventually, you know,
we warmed up to each other.

We would go to dinner.

Tom and her would laugh,
like, hysterically.

When they get together,

It's like two little,
old ladies.

And although she didn't say,
like, you know,

"shane, I'm sorry,"
or, "tom, I'm sorry

For how we handled everything,"

To us,
it was like this is her way

Of showing
that she's accepting us.

- It wasn't that she loved
her son... she loved her son.

And whatever it took
to be near him, she did.

If she had to push a plow,

She would,
just to be near her son.

- She has this picture where
they went to grauman theatre

And saw elvis' handprints.

She said that was
the happiest day of her life.

I think she truly enjoyed
coming out to california.

- And then she would get back
to indiana,

And, basically, wouldn't
acknowledge tom's life here.

And, you know, again,

It was kind of like
just baby steps.

Truly, after like a few times,

We felt like she was okay
with us

And she was happy for us.

She even insisted
on tom and me taking the bedroom

While she stayed on the sofa
with our dog.

- Justin. I can't believe you.

Look at me.

How could you...

Leave all alone?

Okay, I miss you, and you just
want to stay with her.

You're such a traitor.

Yeah. You put that head down.

- Tom was obsessed with his dog.

Tom was always,
always taking pictures of him.

It was like someone
with, like, a newborn baby.

He was actually found abandoned
under a car in hollywood.

- Hi, napoleon. How are you?

- He had a santa claus outfit,

And he had
some other crazy outfit.

And I thought, "oh, my god.

"this is not
gonna be two gay boys

With their gay, little dog,
is it?"

And sure enough...
pretty quick, on facebook,

Tom was taking pictures of
justin bobby

In his little rain gear.

And I thought, "oh, my god.
You guys, come on.

You got to quit that. "
[ chuckles ]

So...

[ "you belong to me" plays ]

- Another dream
that tom and I had,

Aside from wanting to be married
and have a family,

Was we wanted
to travel the world together.

And our goal was to hit
all the wonders of the world.

And we managed to make it
to four before tom died.

- # see the pyramids
along the nile #

# watch the sunrise
on a tropic isle #

- They enjoyed living.

When they traveled together,
that's what would just amaze me,

Where they went to egypt and
to peru and london and paris.

- The way tom and shane were able
to afford these trips

Is they're, first of all,
very frugal,

And not only did shane work
the job that he did for us,

Tom would work, you know,
get extra jobs

Doing commercials or whatever

So they could travel
to all these places.

And they didn't go first class.

They would travel
like they were students.

- The first trip
I remember them taking

Was to egypt, down the nile.

But [chuckles] it wasn't
the kind of trip

That I would have gone on.

They slept on the deck

With canvas dividers,
covered in blankets,

And tom caught pneumonia,

But they had
one heck of a good time.

- # just remember
till you're home again #

# you belong to me

[ song ends ]

- Tom and I reached a point

Where we were ready
for him to come to montana.

You know, I kept talking
about how beautiful montana is.

But for me, it was more about...
you know, I was just excited

For him to finally meet
my entire family.

- My dad, all his life,
was a logger.

I mean, he told gay jokes...

Not the type of person that
you could sit down and be like,

"hey, your son's gay,"
and he would take it easily.

- The first time I ever met tom,

I had just been to town,

And I had seen my daughter's car
in the driveway.

- So shane and tom [chuckles]
jumped in the closet to hide,

And then my dad walks in,

And they both jump out
of the closet like, "surprise!"

- And here's my boy,
and here's his partner.

And it worked...
they surprised me.

- And we just thought

It was funnier than hell
that they did that,

Because it's like they came out
of the closet at my dad's house.

- Tom, he knew
I was a macho-type guy,

And maybe that I was gonna have

The macho-type conservatism
that wouldn't accept him,

And you could just see
he tried all the time around me.

And I appreciated that...

Him trying,
him trying to be likeable.

It was easy to like tom.
He was a great guy.

- Tom was a pistol.

He was so much fun to be around.

I saw that he made shane laugh.

It's the type of happiness
you have

When you meet your soul mate.

And that made
all my worries just disappear.

- So, tom and I went to arizona
to visit my grandparents.

- Shane was so happy.

It was the happiest
that I'd ever seen him,

Since he was a little kid on up.

- And my great-grandma pat
was there.

And no one told grandma pat
that tom and I were a couple.

She was like,
"oh, nice to meet you. "

And then, later,
I heard her in the other room

Ask my grandma judy like,
"so, who was that guy?"

- Well, I never knew
shane was gay,

But I met his partner,
and he was a very nice guy,

And we all liked him
and went along fine with it.

- Tom was fascinated with
grandma pat for a few reasons.

You know, every year,
she keeps track

Of how many snakes she kills.

- Well,
I'm always after a snake...

I don't want them around.

- I mean, you killed
up to how many in a spring...

Every spring?

- Oh,
I killed up to 40 or better.

- After tom and I went for a walk
with both of my grandmas,

When we were coming back
into the house,

Grandma pat like put her arm
around tom.

She was like,
"welcome to the family. "

She's 90 years old,

And, you know, she's accepting
our relationship.

- People that talk about them,

They don't understand
a lot of it.

- And they think that, if they go
to church and everything,

That god will take care of it...

They can be just like
all the rest of the guys.

And so you can't get through
to them.

To tell you the truth,
I'm tired of hearing about it...

So they're not romeo and juliet.

- That's right...
they're romeo and romeo.

Get over it.

- I did not like to show any
public display of affection...

Whether it would be us
on a plane flying somewhere,

And we wanted
to be affectionate,

We would actually take
a coat or a blanket

And cover our arms and like
hold hands under the blanket.

- I think that shane
was very conscious

Of where they were

And not making other people
uncomfortable.

- I never really wanted

To say, "I love you"
in front of friends or anyone.

So we developed
this little code...

Whether we're at like
a dinner or a party,

One of us would find a way just
to tap the table three times

Just to say, "I love you. "

So, that became a very special
sound for both of us.

- Tom was just so passionate,
and he was so affectionate

That it sort of brought shane
out of his shell a little bit,

As far as, you know,
being out in public

And not being ashamed
or embarrassed

That, you know, "yeah, this
is my partner, and we're gay. "

So what?

- Once, we were in paris,

And we were in front
of the eiffel tower,

I just decided like,
"screw it...

I'm just gonna sneak in a kiss,"
and I did.

Tom's face... he was just like,
"like, what just happened?"

He was so excited.

But then the first thing
we did after the kiss,

We like looked around,
like, "did anyone see us?"

But I'm so happy that I did that
'cause he was just thrilled.

- Tom wanted to marry shane,
but he wanted it to be legal.

He wasn't gonna settle
for a technicality,

Or an, "oh, it happens
to be legal right this minute,

But tomorrow it could not be. "

He was the kind of man
that just stood up for things,

And I think part of it

Was like he wanted to show
everyone back home that,

"I'm serious. This is me. "

- He bought me a ring
for christmas,

And we had agreed to not spend
any money on each other.

- He would tell me, he'd be like,
"but shane's gonna get mad,

Because we have a budget,

"but I just want
to get it for him so bad. "

- And I opened it,
and it was a ring

With a note in it that said,

"2011 will change our lives
forever.

Love, tom. "

- I had the image of their
wedding played out in my head.

I knew
it was gonna happen someday.

There was no question
that they wanted to spend

The rest of their lives together
and have a family.

- That was something he wanted
so bad.

He used to say,

"you know, I'd love to have
a little thomas running around. "

- And I guess
one of the saddest parts,

When I really think
about shane and tom,

Is the fact that, essentially,

They were living
the american dream,

With the exception of being able
to get married to each other.

Well, everyone, like, brings up
domestic partnership,

And it angers me in a way,

Because no little girl
is sitting in her room

And saying that,

"I can't wait to have
a domestic partnership.

"I can't wait to wear
a white dress

During my domestic partnership. "

That's not something
that people dream about.

They dream
about getting married.

And they weren't allowed
to do that.

And if it is ever legal,

They'll never be able
to experience it,

Because he's not here anymore.

- I was lucky to see tom
the Wednesday before he died.

# getting closer to the edge

# if I fall,
will someone catch me? #

And we talked about,
you know, shane,

And he said,
"I learned what love really is.

I used to have this idea
in my head when I was young,

And being with shane,
I've learned

What it really looks like
on a daily basis,

And it's so much more
than I ever thought possible.

That's what the song's called...
"if I fall. "

- # even if I fall

- [ chuckles ]
thank you for that.

Thank you for that.
- You're very welcome.

- All right. So, there you go.

"if I fall"... are we agreeing

That's what we're gonna call
the song?

All right.

- The thing that haunts me now
is we had a fight that morning.

Originally, we were supposed
to hang out with our friend alex

And go take photographs
together.

And after our little argument,

I decided
that I would just stay home.

- Tom and I decided to meet
at the studio.

And we kept
going back and forth.

And he was like,
"let's go to your place.

"I just remember
the sunlight in the kitchen.

I need
some of that sunlight now. "

And I was like, "okay. "

He was like, "no, "I want to do
something good for you.

Let's do a photo shoot.
It'll turn this day around. "

So, I had just started dating
this man,

And it was his birthday,
and I wasn't with him,

So tom was like,
"I want to make him jealous,

So let's put pictures of you
on facebook. "

And he was the one
that was like, "let's do it.

Let's do it. "
[ chuckles ]

"hey, can I do your hair?"

I was like, "um, okay. "

And I have, you know,
my brassiere filled with socks,

'cause, you know,
there's just not much there.

- So, tom and I were texting
throughout the day.

And we eventually made up.

- It wasn't even a discussion

Whether or not
to go to the roof,

Because we always went
to the roof.

- And we told each other
that we love each other.

And I'm so thankful that we did
'cause I have that forever now.

- And so, by the time
we get up to the roof,

Tom has his camera.

He's all ready.

- We'd all been up there
like 50 times,

And every time,
I'm just paranoid.

'cause it's not like
a tall wall.

It's a short wall.

- He was just playing around
with the camera,

And, meanwhile, I know that he
had just been texting to shane.

I told him
to stay away from the edge,

'cause we all know
that he's a klutz.

And he even wrote back.

He was like, "ha-ha! I will... "
like, I was joking.

And I said, "tom, I'm serious.

Like, stay away from the edge. "

- So, he takes
a bunch of pictures.

I'm trying to be as slutty...

You know, not sexy,
'cause it wasn't sexy.

I'm in one corner,
and then we suddenly switch.

And he's like, "[gasps]
I've got it! I've got it!"

So, he takes
like three or four steps back.

[ camera shutter clicks,
camera whirring ]

I don't think it registered
that he was gonna fall.

He was like, "ha-ha!"
and I was like, "ohh. "

You know, and I looked at him,

And it was like we both thought,
"oh, no.

Shane's gonna be so mad. "

You know, just like if he knew
that we were that close.

And then, after that,
it was a nightmare.

I didn't even go look
over the edge.

I just, like, threw my shoes on,
ran downstairs.

I had my phone
in my back pocket,

And I dialed 911,
but I couldn't hear.

So I just gave it to somebody
out in the hallway,

'cause people heard him.

- I received a text from alex
to tell me that tom had fallen.

And I thought it was a joke...
"there's no way this is real. "

So I texted her back,
and I said, "that's not funny. "

And then I didn't hear back
from her.

And so then I called
tom's phone,

And no one picked up.

So at that moment is when
my heart just started racing.

By the time I got there,
he's on, you know, his stomach.

And I'm rubbing his back.

And I'm saying, "it's okay,
tommy. It's okay, tommy. "

Meanwhile,
I look like a total hooker.

[ chuckles ]

But it takes forever for
the ambulance to get there...

I want to say 25 minutes later.

They were like,
"do you have his I.D.?

Do you have his I.D.?"

And I was like,
"what the fuck does it matter?!

Just get him on the ambulance!"

- So, I got to the e. R.,

And they took me into a room
where alex was,

And she was hysterical.

- And when I first saw shane,
I said, "I wish it were me. "

[ sniffles ]

I said, "because you two
have each other,

"and the love you have
is so strong,

I wish it had been me
who fell over. "

[ sniffles ]

- I asked her, you know,
"well, what's happening?

Are they working on him?"
I didn't know anything.

And she didn't know anything.

- We hugged, you know,
and we said we loved each other.

And I was still hanging
on to hope that he was okay.

- I tried calling shane,

And I couldn't get through
to him.

And, finally, he calls me back.

He said, "mom,
tom was doing a photo shoot,

And he fell off the roof. "

And I just... "oh, my god. "

I said,
"honey, just keep on praying.

He'll be fine. You know, we'll
get the prayers going here. "

- I got a text message from shane
saying,

"michaela, please pray...
tom's hurt. "

And I immediately got down
and started praying.

- So, a little bit later,
he calls me,

And he says, "mom, they won't
let me in to see him. "

And I said, "well, how come?"

And they said,
"because I'm not family. "

And I just...
"oh, my god, shane. "

- So, I called tom's mom.

And it's, you know,
late at night in indiana.

And, you know, the first thing
she says was,

"well, how much
was he drinking, shane?"

And then his dad,
in the background, was saying,

"well, what the hell
was he doing on the roof?"

From that point forward,
I made sure

To let the nursing staff
or the doctors

Speak to her and to him.

And it had been probably
about an hour later,

The doctor came into the room,

[voice breaking]
and, like, I just knew.

[ somber piano music plays ]

Like, I knew
what he was gonna say.

And when he was talking,

Like, it wasn't registering
in my head.

Like, I wasn't processing
what he said.

- He just said he didn't make it.

And it was very, you know...

And we all just lost it.

- I had to just leave the room
because I couldn't hear it.

- Alex was crying, and she was
continually doing this...

I think because
she was just so traumatized.

And alex's mom was saying,
"oh, my god.

Oh, my god. "

And sometimes she would say,
"oh, his mother. "

'cause mother's day
was the next day.

- So, I went outside.

I called my mom, and...

And I was like, "mom, he died. "

[ inhales sharply ]

And, you know, she just said,
"I'm so sorry, shane.

I'm so sorry. "

And he was just crying,
and I'm crying.

And, you know, here you are,
again, 1,500 miles away,

And you can't be there
for your child.

I got ahold of him,

And tom had just died
in the hospital, and...

I don't know.

It's not a moment
I want to ever go through again.

- The worst pain
I have ever felt in my heart.

Like, I just sunk.

- I just said,
"are you fucking kidding me?

Seriously?" I said,
"seriously, who dies like that?"

- I figured shane was probably
there when he passed,

By his bed, holding his hand.

And he said no.

So, I went to the nurse's
station, and I said,

"you know,
my friend's boyfriend is here.

He just passed away.
Can you take him back?"

And she said, "we can't allow
non-family members to see him

Until his parents arrive. "

So I kept trying
to argue with this nurse.

And the lady was like,
"I understand, honey... I do.

"but it's against
the hospital rules.

He's not his family. "
I said, "but he is his family.

"they have a house together.
They have a business together.

"they have
a [chuckles] dog together.

They've been together
for six years. "

Finally,
we were sitting a the room,

And this one nurse
opened the door,

And she said,
"is shane in here?"

And so we went outside,

And she was holding
tom's license,

And she said, "man, he was
a good-looking guy. Geez.

"and all the nurses back here
are talking

"about how handsome he was,

"and we've been working back
here to try to kind of...

"make him look
the way that you remember him.

Come with me.
We're gonna take you back. "

I think, at the end of the day,
the nurses knew,

You know, it's not a gay thing.

It's not a straight thing.

It's a human thing.

But it was definitely a gift,
I think,

That those women gave to shane.

- So, they walked back
to his room.

There was tubes
all over his body,

Tubes coming out of his chest.

His face was covered,
but you could see that

There, you know, had been blood,
like, all around his face.

And it didn't really seem
like this was happening.

I just stood there for awhile.

I didn't know what to do.

But the only place
that I could put my hand

Was like on his leg.

And I did, you know,
one final "tap, tap, tap. "

[ slow piano music plays ]

- # oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh

# oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# I woke up this morning

# and I heard the news

# I know the pain
of a heartbreak #

- # I don't have answers

# and neither do you

# I know the pain
of a heartbreak #

# this isn't easy

# this isn't clear

- # and you don't need jesus

# till you're here

# oh, the confusion
and the doubts you had #

# up and walk away

# they walk awa-a-a-y

- # when a heart breaks

# when a heart breaks

- A man fell to his death

From a four-story
apartment building

In los feliz last night.

Police say he was taking
pictures of a woman.

They don't suspect foul play,

And are calling his death
a tragic accident.

He was an actor and tv host.

- The days after tom passed away
are kind of a blur.

There was nothing I wanted more

Than just to have my family
there with me.

And so it really meant a lot

That my parents,
although they're divorced,

That they were able to just say,

"look, like,
we're gonna be there for you. "

And my sisters were going to,
as well.

[ sniffles ]

My dad and I,

We went to go pick up tom's car
at alex's place.

And during the car ride home,

We talked about me being gay
for the first time.

- I wanted him to know,

Even though I had never said
anything since he'd come out,

That I fully accepted him.

I think we even talked
about how tom's dad must feel,

Because tom's dad
never accepted tom,

And I wanted it be known
that I accepted my son.

- For the first time ever,

I didn't care about telling
my dad that I was gay.

I didn't care about
acknowledging

That tom and I were
in a relationship.

I just felt, like, fearless.

But it didn't matter anymore.

And tom was gone.

So, I picked martha
up from the airport,

And we went to our house.

She wanted to talk
about bank accounts...

All these things that I did
not want to talk about.

- I remember her looking
around the rooms a lot.

And I didn't really want
to think that way.

I had the feeling

That she just wanted
to go through his stuff.

- She wanted to go through
all of shane and tom's clothes.

He let her go through
all the drawers.

She tried to take the computers
that were shane and tom's.

It was just like
shane didn't exist anymore.

- Shane was more than willing
to work with her,

Give her anything she wanted
of tom's,

But it started
to invade his privacy,

And he wouldn't say anything.

Martha would make a comment
about something,

And shane would just stuff
the emotions away,

Like back
when kids would call him names.

- I couldn't
say anything, anyway.

I had no legal right
to stop her.

So, tom's mom was waiting,
along with us,

For the coroner to release
his body.

Due to the circumstances
of the accident,

They had to do an autopsy.

- We started talking
about the funeral.

And she said that,
no, we're all invited.

We could stay at their house.

You know, "come as a family.

We'll just do all this
together. "

- She was very, you know,
"I'm taking my baby home.

You guys are all coming with.
I want you to be there. "

- And then, as the days go on,

She pretty much
quit talking about the funeral

And about us all going

And sharing tom
with everybody back east.

- Tom's mom was in the other room
or even sometimes

Right next to me
making the funeral arrangements

And planning it all out,
and I was not a part of it.

It was like I wasn't there.
It was like I was a ghost.

- She was a mother
who'd just lost her son...

Her 20-something-year-old son...

So there were no expectations
other than grief.

But I didn't think
that she was gonna hurt shane.

I thought that she loved shane.

- The feeling I got was something
was awry,

But nobody could put their
[chuckles] finger on it.

- And then,
that Thursday morning,

Martha was like, "I got to go. "

And shane's like,
"I'll drive you to the airport. "

She's like,
"no, I'll get a taxi. "

- I told her, "I'm not gonna
let you take a taxi. "

I kind of had a feeling

That she knew something
that I didn't know,

That she knew that his body was
gonna be released any moment.

- She was packing

All tom's clothes up that
she was gonna bury him in,

And the jacket
that she wanted to put him in

Was not fitting in the suitcase.

And shane's like,
"it's okay, martha.

I'll just bring it. "
and she was like, "no.

Absolutely not. "

So, maybe looking back now,

It could have been foreshadowing
what could have happened,

That she knew then

That she wasn't gonna let shane
come to the funeral.

- And I dropped her off,
and we hugged.

And I asked her
to please keep me updated

So I know what's happening,

And she promised me
that she would.

But I never
heard from her again.

- She was so grateful
and so loving towards us

For everything that we did
for her son.

She just was crying and
hugging us and holding on to us

And, "I want to be a part
of your life.

I want to come visit. "

It was like
we were bonded with her.

And then,
the next day, she was gone.

- I talked to tom's mom
the day after he died.

And she said, "I'll let you know

As soon as I know
when the funeral is gonna be

So that you can be there. "

Then, it was pretty much
radio silence.

They never called me back
to tell me when it was,

And I was very hurt.

I see the notice
in the newspaper...

Wake is this day.
Funeral is the next day.

I called tom's house to verify,

And, you know, the relative
who answered just said,

"if that's what the paper says,

Then I would probably
go by that. "

- And I personally called back

To different mortuaries
in his hometown

To try to get information,

And nobody would give us
any information.

- So, although I never heard
from martha,

My mom and alex and I,
we all booked our plane tickets.

During our layover,

I received a phone call
from one of tom's relatives.

And she wanted to let me know

That I wasn't welcome
to attend his funeral,

Because, if I do show up,

His uncle and his father
had planned an attack.

And she wanted me to know

That it's for my own safety
that I don't go.

- All I could think of...
"are they gonna shoot him?

Are they gonna kill my son?"

When we got into indiana,

One of tom's best friends
picked us up.

And alex was hysterical.

And the closer we got to knox,
the more hysterical she got.

And she was saying, "I lost tom.
I don't want to lose you, also. "

- I was terrified

That they were gonna come
and pull out a gun on shane.

- I remember him saying
more than once,

"you know,
they're in a lot of pain.

It's not just me
that's going through this,"

And almost arguing for them,
which was maddening.

I mean, I'd be angry...

"you're not gonna do this
to me. "

Nope.
He didn't respond that way.

- We had a secret location
to come up with a plan about,

You know, just kind of staying
out of their way.

And even though I couldn't
be in the church,

Like, I still wanted to be
as close as I could to tom.

You know, just being near
was somehow comforting.

- Once I realized

That shane had been banned
from attending the funeral,

I realized that's why

They weren't telling anybody
when things were.

They basically were keeping
all the information close-hold

So that shane
couldn't get there.

- # in the blink of an eye

# everything has changed

- There were probably
800 people there.

Half of them were there
to support tom,

And the other half
were there to support martha.

- # if I could have
one more day #

# I'd spend it all with you

- The casket was in the middle.

And it was draped
with a culver blanket

And all of his culver
accomplishments,

And his mom was wearing
his culver ring.

I think it was very reflective
of the family

And how they viewed tom,
and not the tom that I knew.

When I got up to martha,

All I could think
in my head was,

"I have to kiss the casket
for shane. "

And I made my way over
to the casket, and I kissed it,

And I whispered, you know,
"shane loves you. "

- The funeral depicted tom

Up until the point where he left
for california, basically.

And the speakers
were all from tom's childhood.

You know, it was his piano teacher

And people from culver.

- I took the flowers

From the bouquet
that the class of 2000 sent,

And I dried them so I could
give those to shane.

And I saved him a program

Because, you know,
he is the love of tom's life.

He at least deserves that.

Unfortunately,
he wasn't mentioned in it.

Families, for literally 30 years,

Can sweep that secret under
the rug until someone dies,

And then you have to really face
the music.

And I think that's what happened
to tom's parents.

They had this great child.

He was smart and talented...
lots of positive things.

But the one positive thing

That they didn't want to brag to
their friends about

Is that tom had
an amazing partner,

'cause they were ashamed.

And so what they did

Is they literally erased it
from the history books

By shutting down
his facebook page,

By disinviting shane
to the funeral,

To not even
mentioning him there,

Which is the most insulting
thing

Anyone could ever do
to a person's memory.

They're not fighting against
gay marriage.

They're not fighting against
having a gay son.

What they're fighting against
is love,

And who fights against love?

[ somber piano music plays ]

- When we came back, we decided

To have our own memorial
to celebrate who tom was.

- # today, you left me

- Shane included
pictures of his family

Even though
they hadn't reciprocated.

- Shane had pictures there

With tom's mom and dad
and brother and sister.

He brought people from vassar,
brought people from culver,

And his friends in california.

Everybody was there.

- [ voice breaking ]
even though a lot of us,

Maybe we weren't super close
and barely know each other,

Somehow that same guy
was all of our best friend.

- # young, beautiful boy

I wrote "beautiful boy"

And the line about tom making
his way up to the golden doors

As an answer

To the fundamentalist christians
out there

Who may believe that gay people
won't go to heaven.

And to that,
I would say, "really?

"tom, the choir-singing,
trophy-winning, all-american boy

"who listed god as his hero
on his myspace page,

Really in hell?"

I don't think so.

If tom didn't go to heaven,
then nobody's going to heaven.

# remembering...

- If you believe in angels,

Tom was as close to that as
would ever come in a human form.

He had no darkness in him
whatsoever.

He was the ueber-positive one.

- So, everybody
was really nervous

About how shane was gonna be,

You know, post this horrible,
traumatic loss.

- I stayed with shane after tom
passed away for a month.

I told shane, "I'll stay here
as long as you need me,"

But getting on that plane

Was the hardest thing
I've ever done in my life.

You know,
you don't want to leave him,

'cause he was fragile.

- # something always
brings me back to you #

- Hey, tom.

Um...

- # no matter what I say or do
- ... Is this happening?

- # I'll still feel you here...

- [ voice breaking ]
is this really happening?

[ sniffles ]

To all those people that, um,
say that gay people are...

- # here I am
- [ sniffles ]

...Unable to love,

Can I ask
every single husband and wife...

- #... 'cause I'm fragile

- ... That is in love...

- # when I thought
that I was strong #

- ... To just...

[ sniffles ]

...To just feel
what I'm feeling,

Even... even for 10 minutes.

And, um [sniffles]

But, really, I...

I don't wish this upon anybody.
I don't.

[ crying ]
I finally bought you your ring.

- # I will be rising from
the ground like a skyscraper #

- I'm sorry that I didn't...

- # like a skyscraper
- ... I didn't get you one sooner.

I put "tap, tap, tap" inside.

Um...
- # skies are crying

# you can take everything
I have #

# you can break
everything I am #

- One thing
that I'm thinking about

Is, like, well, you know,

What would have
our relationship been like

If we wouldn't have had to have
hid it from the beginning,

And would I have been able
to just [sniffles]

Be more affectionate
and just give you more love?

If who we are

And how we, you know,
loved each other is a sin

In that we have to live,

You know, eternity
suffering because of this,

I don't think god
would purposely

Set us up to live a life

Of just constantly fighting
the urge to be who we are,

And I really don't want
to believe that.

- # happy birthday to you

- You know,
there's a part of me that thinks

Maybe I should I tell someone
or maybe I should show someone,

You know, how I'm really feeling

Instead of just telling everyone
I'm okay.

And I'm not okay.

[ laughter ]
- # happy birthday to you

- It's sad that it took
losing you

To see what's really important
in life.

All that really counts
is just loving as much as we can

And not, you know,
being afraid to be loved.

[ normal voice ] before,
I was not eating enough,

And then now all I want to do
is eat everything...

Fat stuff, ice cream,
pancakes... Red vines.

Today I'm going on a plane
to see the taj mahal,

The great monument to love,
which was next on our list.

- # presents are covered
in ribbons and laces #

[ indistinct conversations ]

- Going to the taj mahal
on christmas, christmas day

Is a pretty cool thing, so...

Merry christmas.

- # togetherness lives
on this holiday night #

- [ voice breaking ] I just wish
that all of us humans understood

That we're all the same.

Everyone in the world,
all different types of people,

All different religions.

We all just want to be happy.

We all just want to be loved.

So, thank you, tom.

Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for giving me
the last years of your life.

I feel like
that's my responsibility,

Like, my duty now,
to live life like you did.

[ normal voice ]
a few months later,

I went back to indiana.

I felt like I just needed

To see tom's grave
one more time.

I still can't believe

How much has happened
since that first christmas.

When we were each getting
on a plane, heading home,

And we finally told each other
how we felt.

[ piano music plays ]

When I got to the cemetery,
I was surprised to see

That tom's parents
had bought him a monument

With a place for themselves,
not next to each other,

But on either side of their son,

As though they're still trying

To keep him from something
or someone.

It's just...
it's hard to believe

That even now
tom is still being denied

The promise of his own name.

It really does feel like

He's standing in
for all of us now.

I mean, like, for all gay people

Who dream of getting married
some day.

I guess I'll never understand

Why the ones who are supposed
to love him the most

Fight the hardest to keep him
from being who he was.

Maybe the greatest thing
about tom

Is how much
he loved them anyway.

I just remember standing there
and thinking

That if there's one thing
that I could say to his parents,

Here's what it would be...

"this is not
the monument to your son.

He was the monument to you. "

[ macklemore with ryan lewis,
featuring mary lambert's

"same love" plays ]

- [ rapping ] # when I was
in the third grade #

# I thought that I was gay

# 'cause I could draw,
my uncle was #

# and I kept my room straight

# I told my mom,
tears rushing down my face #

# she's like "ben, you've loved
girls since before pre-k" #

# trippin'

# yeah, I guess she had a point,
didn't she? #

# bunch of stereotypes
all in my head #

# I remember
doing the math like #

# "yeah,
I'm good at little league" #

# a preconceived idea
of what it all meant #

# for those that liked
the same sex #

# had the characteristics

# the right-wing conservatives
think it's a decision #

# and you can be cured with some
treatment and religion #

# man-made rewiring
of a predisposition #

# playing god

# aw, naw, here we go

# america the brave still fears
what we don't know #

# and god loves all his children
is somehow forgotten #

# but we paraphrase a book
written 3,500 years ago #

# I don't know

- # and I can't change

# even if I tried

# even if I wanted to

# and I can't change

# even if I tried

# even if I wanted to

# my love, my love, my love

# she keeps me warm

# she keeps me warm

# she keeps me warm

# she keeps me warm

- [ rapping ] # if I was gay

# I would think
hip-hop hates me #

# have you read
the youtube comments lately? #

# "man, that's gay"
gets dropped on the daily #

# we become so numb
to what we're saying #

# a culture founded
from oppression #

# yet we don't have
acceptance for 'em #

# call each other faggots

# behind the keys
of a message board #

# a word rooted in hate,
yet our genre still ignores it #

# gay is synonymous
with the lesser #

# it's the same hate

# that's caused wars
from religion #

# gender to skin color

# the complexion
of your pigment #

# the same fight
that led people #

# to walk-outs and sit-ins

# it's human rights
for everybody #

# there is no difference

# live on, and be yourself

# when I was at church,
they taught me something else #

# if you preach hate
at the service #

# those words aren't anointed

# that holy water

# that you soak in
has been poisoned #

# when everyone else

# is more comfortable
remaining voiceless #

# rather than fighting
for humans #

# that have had
their rights stolen #

# I might not be the same,
but that's not important #

# no freedom till we're equal

# damn right, I support it

# I don't know

- # love is patient

# love is kind

# love is patient

# love is kind

- # not crying on Sunday

[ fun. 's "carry on" plays ]

- # well, I woke up
to the sound of silence #

# the cries were cutting like
knives in a fist fight #

# and I found you with
a bottle of wine #

# your head in the curtains

# and heart
like the fourth of July #

# you swore and said,
"we are not #

# we are not shining stars"

# this I know

# I never said we are

# though I've never been
through hell like that #

# I've closed
enough windows to know #

# you can never look back

# if you're lost and alone

# or you're sinking
like a stone #

# carry on

# may your past be the sound

# of your feet upon the ground

# carry on

# carry on, carry on

- An article
came out in the paper,

And then we had it
on our news channels,

And it was hard
for several of my family members

To see my son on there
with his gay partner.

It didn't bother me,
but it bothered a lot of people.

I ignore it.
[ chuckles ]

'cause I'm proud
of what shane's doing,

And because I'll always
be grateful for tom

And what he gave to my son.

- Many times he said, you know,

"my life is not worth living
without tom. "

He's risen like a phoenix
from the ashes.

- Shane, the guy who was afraid
of coming out

And accepting who he was,

And now he's in front
of the parade

With rainbow flags behind him.

He made something positive
out of it,

Which is always tom's motto.

- Shane gave
discrimination against gays

A beautiful, unforgettable face,

And that face is tom.

- # my head is on fire

# but my legs are fine

# after all, they are mine

# lay your clothes
down on the floor #

# close the door

# hold the phones

# show me how no one's ever
gonna stop us tonight #

[ guitar solo ]

- # 'cause here we are

# we are shining stars

# we are invincible

# we are who we are

# on our darkest day
when we're miles away #

# sun will come,
we will find our way home #

- # if you're lost and alone

# or you're sinking
like a stone #

- # carry on

- # may your past be the sound

# of your feet upon the ground

- # carry on

# oh, oh, oh

# oh, oh, oh

# oh, oh, oh-oh-oh

# oh, oh, oh, oh

# oh, oh

# oh, oh, oh, oh

# oh, oh, oh-oh-oh

# oh, oh, oh, oh

- # no one's ever
gonna stop us tonight #

[ echoing ] # no one's ever
gonna stop us tonight #

# no one's ever

# no one's ever gonna stop

# no one's ever gonna stop

# no one's ever
gonna stop us tonight #

[ adam lambert's
"outlaws of love" plays ]

- # hey

# tears all fall the same

# we all feel the rain

# we can't change

# everywhere we go

# we're lookin' for the sun

# nowhere to grow old

# we're always on the run

# they say we'll rot in hell

# but I don't think we will

# they've branded us enough

# outlaws of love

# scars make us who we are

# hearts and homes
are broken #

# broken

# far

# we could go so far

# with our minds wide open

# open

# hey

# tears all fall the same

# we all feel the rain

# we can't change

# everywhere we go

# we're lookin' for the sun

# nowhere to grow old

# we're always on the run

# they say we'll rot in hell

# but I don't think we will

# they've branded us enough

# outlaws of love

# outlaws of love

# outlaws of love

# outlaws of love

# outlaws of love

- [ knocks three times ]