Original subtitles

[loon crying]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

[birds chirping]

[gentle music]

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

- [Cobakka] Yes, it is a true story

about two pieces of Moscow scum.

[speaking in foreign language]

[dog barking]

- Nyet. - Nyet.

[dog barking]

- [Cobakka] They tried to avoid the Russian Army

and so began an adventure

which didn't always go according to plan.

At least they had a plan.

- Our target is to gain $2,000 each.

Me, to start a band.

Spiker, so he can marry childhood sweetheart.

We decided to go to Los Angeles

where the women are beautiful

and anyone can own a Mercedes

within six months.

But unfortunately, we annot afford it.

We would like to visit the place of Shakespeare,

Sid Vicious, Sherlock Holmes and the Yellow Submarine.

- The Beatles?

- Instead, we opted for London.

The world's fourth largest economy

has the most even distribution of wealth,

a free healthcare and welfare system

and is a haven for fraudsters.

[rock music]

[singing in foreign language]

[clock chiming]

[percussive music]

[speaking in foreign language]

[cash register ringing]

- Sergei is Cobakka's childhood friend who has done okay.

[speaking foreign language]

- You have to look and sound English.

Or you will be shot for being a terrorist.

[heavy rock music]

This is Cobakka and Spiker.

They're going to be staying here for a few days.

They're going to be millionaires.

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking foreign language]

[heavy rock music]

- This is the house.

It's a nice house, isn't it?

Oi, oi, oi!

You are living in a very nice area now.

You must be like English gentlemen, not Russian scum.

- Why can we not stay in the house?

I thought you say this guy not here?

- Too risky.

This is Neighborhood Watch area.

Poshli!

[singing in foreign language]

- [Cobakka] Let me explain something

about this Neighborhood Watch scheme.

Pavlik Morozov was a hero of Stalin's time.

Because he informed the authorities

that his father was hiding wheat from the Bolsheviks,

his father was taken away and shot.

[guns firing]

His photo now hangs in every classroom of Soviet Union

as an example to us all.

- Look!

Your very own place.

If you need to piss, you use the broken window.

For the more serious problems, you use the wallpaper

or look, paper plates.

Mmm!

- Okay, and if we get caught?

- I'll give you two numbers.

If you want to go legit, call Patrick.

He has a job agency.

If you want to use the other route,

and only if all else fails-

- Choices. - Yeah.

- You call Artash.

But only if you're absolutely desperate.

♪ Oh, no, come here again

♪ I want to know you again

- [Cobakka] To rip off British Isles,

you need first to have bank account.

Deposit some money, then you get checkbook and card,

which you report stolen.

Then cash checks

as fast as possible in series of dodgy outfits.

This is the plan.

Do not ask for overdraft or credit card.

You may as well just rob the bank

Ask for savings,

it sounds like they're going to hold on to your money.

- And proof of earnings?

- I have some money, 200 pounds.

I will have a job in two or three days.

- Good.

Right, you will need a proof of address.

Council tax bill or a utility bill and employment papers.

- I cannot open bank account right now?

- Not today.

But don't worry, it will only take a couple of months.

- A couple of months?

- You might be able to open up a student account quicker.

Are you a student?

- I would like to join your learning establishment.

A student account guarantees you a 100 pounds loan

plus overdraft.

- Do you have any proof

of your qualifications? - Give me a test.

- What color are my eyes? - Brown.

Beautiful, chocolate brown.

- What are you hoping

to study? - Capitalism.

[upbeat music]

London is crazy expensive.

First you need to find the means

to get about town with no money.

[man shouting]

There is usually some genetic garbage by the gate.

When you get caught-

I don't have any more money on me.

That is the great thing about this island.

My address.

The presumption of innocence means they assume you will pay.

- You have any experience?

[speaking indistinctly]

Do you speak English?

- Do you?

- Can we have subtitles, please?

[button buzzing] - You'll need a permit or ID

or somebody's visa you can use.

[upbeat music]

- We can't get an apartment without a job.

You can't get a job with no work visa.

[cash register ringing]

- Believe me, in this country, money can buy you anything.

Even a bloody knighthood.

You just have to have the cash.

- Without work, we can't get the money.

- Look.

You can use my ID for, let's say, 50%.

- 50%?

Half everything?

- You have to think big.

I didn't get to where I was by scraping by,

living the life of a refugee.

- I'm not a refugee.

- What I mean is,

you have to learn to stand on your own two feet.

Don't rely on friends.

Since I came here,

not once did I ask to borrow money from anybody.

- You begged on the streets?

- No, I showed the people

of London my magic tricks on the streets

for a while because I am an artist.

What I am saying, you have to be careful

how you spend your money.

Everybody is trying to rip you off.

People are all on the make.

The main thing is that you stay focused

and remember why you came here.

Stick to it, don't spend your money stupidly.

In the meantime, you have to work to live.

Like I'm saying, I will cash your checks for you.

[speaking foreign language]

Business is business.

[speaking foreign language]

[glass shattering]

[laughing] ♪ See the sky, see this hill ♪

♪ See what part you will fill

♪ Wonder you are, I wonder where you are ♪

[phone ringing]

- What?

- The third time you've fucking let me down. It's 7:30.

Just get there, okay?

Same fucking message, 7:30, just get down there.

- Where it is?

- Look, it's Weston fucking Street, do you hear me?

- Yes, we hear. - If you don't make it,

I'll rip your fucking legs off

and beat you round the fucking head with them!

- It's like I say, I tell you, I will be there.

- 7:30, all right?

- Where exactly?

- 37 Weston Street.

Just get there now, it's 7:30.

[indistinct]

[phone ringing]

- Hello.

- I told Patrick I don't allow lateness,

drugs or alcohol on the premises.

- But I am 10 minutes late only.

- 10 minutes today, 20 tomorrow, before we know it,

you're having a week off and I'm paying for yesterday.

- I can sustain many, many hardships.

I can,

a-tone.

A-tone?

- Yeah, well a-tone somewhere else.

- But I have 38 pence left only.

- You better not have afternoon tea at the Ritz, then.

- I just want proof for employment.

- You don't work here.

- Yes, but Patrick say-

- Patrick is not the boss, I am.

You don't work here.

- But I work-

Fuck you, man.

- You don't need that attitude, either.

- Hi.

[speaking foreign language]

I'm Tony.

- You can work over there.

I'm sure you two can share stories about the war, eh?

[upbeat music]

♪ Well, I was walkin' down the high road ♪

♪ And this guy stops me

♪ He'd just got in from New Zealand ♪

♪ And he was looking for mushy peas ♪

♪ I said, no, we don't really got 'em round here ♪

[speaking foreign language]

- The shops, they are open all night?

- You're hammered.

[singing in foreign language]

- You have your tea voucher with you?

- I come for a job.

- Do you have a work permit?

- No.

- Then I'm afraid you can't work here, dear.

- Just some tea then, please.

- I'm afraid this hostel is just for British people.

- I just want tea, a biscuit maybe.

- If you go to the Committee for Refugees and seek asylum,

then you can get a free blanket.

- I am not refugee.

How am I supposed to eat

while I wait for you and your bureaucracy?

I am not asylum seeker!

- Charity begins at home.

- I don't have a home.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ I remember

♪ The last time I saw you

♪ You left me with nothing

♪ But disappointment

- Why do they always send Eastern Europeans?

- I am from Moscow.

- Did you run all the way?

Go and clean the toilet.

♪ I said love

♪ Any way you slice it

- What?

No!

What?

What the fucking-

- Hey! - Fuck!

Hey, hey!

Don't bother with the toilets.

This is typical refugee behavior.

They deserve to live in shit.

- Where are you from?

- Afghanistan.

I had to run from the Taliban.

I sold my house for $10,000.

Then I crossed Europe.

Now my house is worth half a million.

All the poppy farmers are rich.

And I have a degree in political science.

Half of my friends,

they work for the government, and look where I am.

These refugees, they lead a parasitical existence

at the expense of the state

and they get shipped out to some obscure town in the country

where nobody gives a shit about.

You heard of Bicester? - Bicester?

No.

- I would thank you to note that Bicester

is a thriving traditional Saxon market town.

We didn't ask for 10,000 immigrants to be put here.

- So, you're homeless?

- Spiker? - We haven't got any money.

- It's okay, he's my brother.

- I ain't doing you both.

- It's okay, I am gay.

- Fancy some jerk chicken and some plantain?

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking foreign language]

- Did you want anything?

It's all fresh. - Oh yes, please.

It's most agreeable.

[both grunting]

- No, sorry.

- What's the matter with you, you prefer men or something?

- Sorry, I have a girlfriend.

I love her.

We get married.

- So, why are you here then?

- It's quieter than Heathrow.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Never got what she wanted to

♪ Never got what she wanted to

♪ She never got what she wanted to ♪

♪ She never got what she wanted to ♪

- I can't blame Spiker

and I can't talk anymore because I'm too tired.

Tired of England,

tired of the smell of curry and tired of myself.

How can a man be tired of life at just 23?

Maybe we should call Artash.

[speaking foreign language]

- And how must you describe our situation?

Hmm?

[upbeat music]

Artash, beady-eyed owl who spends most of his free time

looking for loopholes in British legal system.

His perfect Oxford pronunciation helps him

defraud everyone and anyone, including his own grandfather.

After staging a burglary in his house,

Artash squandered 4,000 of his grandfather's pounds

in two days.

And his father is millionaire.

- I find job but they take 50%.

- I live for 30.

- 10.

- Income tax is 25, all right?

I'm the one taking the risk.

30.

- What risk?

Sergei says says you never work.

- I only don't work out of principle.

Forget it.

I'll teach you how to make money, all right, here and now.

Okay, inside here, okay, go to HMV, all right, go inside,

go to the CDs, take the CDs, a lot of them,

not the cheapest ones,

go to the counter, not right to the counter,

act normal, put the CDs inside, get out.

- [Cobakka] He was a professional parasite,

worked every scheme in the book,

presented us with a whole pile of illegal opportunities.

We were blown away

- First, you need to convince them

that you are a child of this goddamn island.

Da?

Good.

Watch and learn.

[upbeat music]

Excuse me, excuse me.

[cash register ringing]

Thank you very much, lady, have a nice day.

See?

All you have to do is smile and be charming.

- Bags.

Your bags.

- Please, I have children.

- Excellent.

Bags.

- I have money.

- Yes, please.

[change jingling]

Your car is this way. - You can't take the car.

My husband'll kill me.

- Why do you stay with this man?

♪ Three, four

[upbeat music]

♪ Down in the valley there's a long legged queen ♪

♪ She's got hair like a knot and she twists and screams ♪

♪ She spends her days living in despair ♪

♪ Waiting for her knight have you seen him, where ♪

♪ Yes, well you sit on your throne ♪

- So simple, even a child can do it.

[suspenseful music]

- Oh, oh.

- Teach me how to steal cars.

- You cannot drive.

[wind whooshing]

Well?

Envelopes.

You cannot live on envelopes.

Still, you can write home and tell all your friends

of your momentous achievement.

- Fuck you.

[upbeat rock music]

[singing in foreign language]

- [Cobakka] To get mobile phone,

you first need proof of address

- And now I declare you officially employed.

- [Cobakka] Anything will do, they never check

- And you can find all the clients you need in here.

- And one copy of Loot,

a London listings paper full of clients

How do you know the police don't make adverts in here?

- Because this is the British Isles,

and the presumption of innocence is king here.

- [Cobakka] You need to get as many mobile phones

as possible.

They are worth at least 30 pounds each phone

[singing in foreign language]

- Hey.

Hello.

[laughing]

[cash register ringing]

- Look, man, they are worth more than this.

- Don't give me that crap, man.

You're a nobody, we all know that.

Take the money and clear off

before I break your mother's heart.

- Thank you.

You're very, very nice people.

- Of course.

We are very kind.

[laughing] [upbeat rock music]

- Thank you.

So, this should be enough for a deposit.

[cash register ringing]

Plus some spending money.

Okay?

365 pounds from you in checks.

And 250 handed out by me to you in cash.

I will hold on to the rest

and start a savings account for you guys.

- If we need money, how can we get it?

- Do you want success for the band?

That's money, okay?

Do you want a big white wedding?

That's a lot of money.

Besides, if I give you the money now, you'll just spend it.

I'm saving it up for you guys.

My father is a millionaire.

What could I possibly want from you?

I'm taking care of you guys, come on.

It's mine, thank you.

Okay?

Spend the money carefully, all right?

- [Cobakka] For a utility bill, you need an address,

so get yourself an A to Z

and decide which environs are most appealing and applicable.

When you realiae you cannot afford

such a location, head off to Alperton.

♪ I went down to Moscow

♪ In a white limousine.

- What made you choose this area?

- It chose us.

- So, you wish to rent this armpit

in order to install a telephone line,

which will provide you with a verifiable domestic bill

and complementary calls to Moscow for a month,

before the bill,

which you have no intention of paying, arrives?

- We went over this already.

- Yes, but you have to explain it twice

for the American audience.

I'm Dennis and this is the room.

You need a room to get a job and a bank account,

from where you can put

your money into your account, so as not to raise suspicion,

and then launder it mercilessly.

You only have half the deposit, you see,

so your choices are limited.

- What is the smell?

- What smell?

[cash register ringing]

- [Cobakka] When you don't pay bill,

phone will be disconnected

and the company will call asking for payment.

But you will no longer be there or,

ideally, in the British Isles.

- What is that smell?

- I carry out revision of the armpit fridge.

I need to remember what food smell like this,

will never by mistake steal from Paki shop.

The question remains,

where does this terrifying stench

like rotting garbage come from?

I think I found it.

Great.

Not only armpit but Imam armpit.

The Turkish food stinks.

There is nothing to steal in the shops,

as all counters are covered in piles of slimy brown crap.

I simultaneously want to puke,

to shoot myself and drop napalm bombs

on this little area full

of unshaven dirty barbarians in cheap clothes.

The armpit is simply too smelly to sleep in.

[door clicking]

I have utility bill.

I can make bank account right now.

- Right.

I still need to see proof of employment.

- This is crazy.

I just wanted bank account so I can put some money.

How am I supposed to go somewhere in this country?

- [Man] How is the job-hunting going?

- Great.

There is a shortage of Eastern Europeans in London.

- Why do you want to work here? Everyone hates it.

- So I can complete bank fraud.

- Well, why didn't you say so?

Look, if I make you the night security guard,

you sleep here, right?

- Yes.

- For extra security.

- Yes.

- Alone.

- Alone, of course alone.

- You need to have a bath, you absolutely stink.

There's a nice jacket in my locker in case you get lucky.

No drink or drugs.

- You have proof of employment for me?

- You don't ask for much, do you?

There's a hard hat and some boots down in that cabin.

- I go?

- Yeah, I'll give you a start.

Go on. - Okay.

Hey.

Make sure there is money in your account,

so as not to arouse suspicion.

You'll now have only 10 days to wait for your magic card.

There are many interesting places to see in London.

We haven't got around to seeing any of them yet.

But there is still time.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Can't take no more of this panic and stress ♪

♪ Well, I am living off the DSSS ♪

♪ Ain't got the money 'cause I don't want to work ♪

♪ Just sit about and let the hours drift away ♪

♪ He tried his hand at a job in a factory ♪

♪ But don't take orders off of people that he don't like ♪

♪ He can't make up his mind what he wants to be ♪

♪ I have to say that I've got to agree ♪

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

We got better at stealing though we decided stealing

could only be qualified like sin when stealing

from small shops.

Large conglomerations which kill off small shops

are fair game.

[upbeat rock music] ♪ Lie down, some bed ♪

♪ Scratching in my head ♪ Boyfriend I don't love

♪ Open food, far from

♪ Happy sap, lootin' kids, talkin' crap ♪

♪ Smokin' weed, takin' speed

♪ Damn, I feel the need

♪ Bright eyes, big thighs

♪ Standard meters, overdrive

♪ See girl, spit back, hard pans ♪

♪ That's why, can then I text

♪ Doesn't have the same effect

♪ Don't go out, don't stay in ♪ Relationships anything ♪

♪ What do I do about it

♪ How do I change my tone

♪ I wait for the solution to arrive ♪

♪ But the light just never turns in ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Don't know if I'm lost about it ♪

- Hey, lads!

Thank you for shopping at Cresco's.

- So, this is a favorite drug of the local citizens

with a non-traditional sexual orientation, right?

It is like an ax landing in your skull

and after that you feel squashed, flat.

Try it.

Try it.

Trust me.

When you're going to see British girl dance,

you'll know why.

Okay, guys.

This is Misha.

Misha can get you anything you want.

- Hi, Misha.

Misha, a real junky fuck.

Puny and pale like death.

There are dark bags under his eyes like baby Dracula.

He speaks slowly and moves

in space hardly shifting his feet.

His veins have long gone.

Instead, he has only thread circling his weak body.

Unlike Artash, who gets money for heroin

by means of dazzling, breathtaking heists,

this one rats cash from friends, parents, whoever.

- Why do you hang out with this piece of scum?

- I like scum.

[upbeat music]

- Hey!

The girls here, they are like plankton.

Trust me.

Everything will be different in just a little while.

- Where are you from?

- Russia.

- Is it true you still have to queue for toothpaste?

- No.

- Isn't there still a war on? - Always.

- The trouble with communism

is it's capitalism under a different banner.

What Marx saw as Utopia was everybody being able

to be his own boss without avarice.

People want more than a simple life.

They're greedy.

- You want to get some food?

- Okay.

- Bugger off.

[upbeat music]

[sniffing]

- Someone has to take care of the homeless.

One third of them are ex-forces.

They served their country and this is how it serves them.

Governments, the way they treat people, it makes me sick.

- Look! I have to get up very early.

Please, can we, give it up.

Wait!

I don't know you.

- You were quick enough to come back with me.

- Yes. So I can get to know you.

At least wait till morning, yes?

- No.

- We can have nice talk.

- I've done the talking bit.

- Well, we can just, wait.

We can hold each other.

- And you'll sort me out

in the morning? - Yes.

Sorting in the morning, right.

- Good morning.

I'm ready for my sorting.

[phone ringing]

- Sorry, mother died.

[dramatic music]

- Lying bastard!

[singer vocalizing]

- How come you don't sleep here?

Are you a terrorist?

- I look at Denis and wonder if he is real genie

who has spent 3,000 years

inside a lamp and would have been there 3,000 years more

if some stoned mujahedin hadn't let him out.

How come I don't sleep

in the room one meter by one-and-a-half metres?

- Remember, I'm a refugee too.

I have a sixth sense.

- Listen.

From time to time I have to come back to this disgusting

fart-hole and make my presence known so that you -

you genetic piece of garbage

will keep off my back long enough for me just

to collect my post.

Don't worry.

Soon there will be no shortage of visitors for you.

First, Dennis, you will be visited by the representatives

of at least five telephone companies.

- You haven't paid your bills for six months-

- Good day, sir.

We're looking

for a Mr. Tetersky. - Then a cop will pay a visit

and ask all manner of provocative questions.

I don't ever want to see that man again.

Bloody Russian.

It will result in the realization that you, brown islander,

don't pay any taxes.

I'm totally innocent!

You've got the wrong man!

- How come you don't sleep here?

Are you a terrorist?

- Mostly I stay with girlfriend.

[laughing]

- Do you think you could provide me with proof?

[speaking foreign language]

- Yeah, sure.

As long as you're legal to work.

- What would be a problem if I wasn't?

- Come on.

I'll give you a ride home.

♪ Swimming in the slipstream and the sun will shine ♪

♪ Look at the sky it's reeling in the stars ♪

♪ See where I am today I want to be where you are ♪

Look, mate.

This is all the cash I've got on me.

Take it, yeah.

Come on!

It's only a few groceries, do you know what I mean?

- I want to tell you something.

- [Donny] Go on, and get out.

- In Russia, I was a racist.

I hated blacks.

[both laughing]

- Oh, my days, you kill me!

Oh!

It's all right, yeah.

You can still be a racist.

No, you,

go on, mate, get out!

Take the groceries with you. - Thank you.

- Look after yourself.

- Thank you, see you later.

[upbeat music]

♪ Some time for looking at the room from above ♪

♪ Is it so wrong

Donny, the bloke from Jamaica,

I will remember you until the end of my days.

- Finally, after all your efforts,

your beautiful little card arrives.

[upbeat music]

First, you report your checkbook stolen.

That way you get another one sent.

Yes, hello.

Each one of these little books is worth 1,150 pounds.

There are different types of check points.

Poke your nose into these little windows

and watch people cashing checks.

Carefully observe the manipulations

of each person behind the window.

If he starts to study the miraculous cards

with a perplexed expression

and dials a number or puts the cards

into some strange piece of equipment, avoid this checkpoint

like your worst nightmare.

You need to find as many of these little windows

as the number of checks you possess.

Never mind if the checks are

from the book you reported as lost,

they never check.

You can only cash one cheque per day from each book

which is why you need several books.

- Thank you very much.

Call again.

- I'll be back.

To speed things up, you can buy something useless

like building bricks or a dollar,

which is as close to 50 pounds as possible.

The following day, go back and return this junk.

You need to know which shops

to go into as some will just provide

you with idiotic vouchers to buy some rubbish

for a similar amount.

Sorry.

Sister dies.

- Have you got a receipt?

- [Woman] Would you like cashback?

- Huh? - Cashback?

- Cash back? - Yes.

Would you like cashback?

- Um, 30 pounds. - Cashback.

I don't know lunatic who invented the cashback system

which allows you to earn up to 50 pounds a day.

Goodbye.

[upbeat music]

- We love you, Tesco!

[cash register ringing]

Hello.

How are you?

Woohoo!

Go, go, go.

Woo-hoo!

Five, 10.

- [Cobakka] If all goes to plan, you get two checkbooks

with 23 checks each book.

At 50 pounds a day, plus 70 times 23 days

of cashback money plus student loan.

This adds up to 4,550 bucks.

Be careful not to get too greedy with your magic art.

You could very easily become state criminal.

Your face painstakingly recorded in every detail, all over

[speaking foreign language]

to be seen by your neighbors, your work colleagues

and your landlord,

who, thanks to Neighborhood Watch,

all descend on Scotland Yard,

falling over themselves in order

to give evidence against you.

When they catch you, you'll be glad you're not in Moscow.

[grunting]

- [Woman] Dear Mr. Tetersky, we seem not to have received

your June payment.

Please accept our apologies if the matter

has already been dealt with.

We thank you again for your business and hope

to continue providing you with our services in future.

- Oh, look!

An honest individual.

- Why don't you come into the office?

We have got a great film to show you.

- Oh, yeah.

- With an international star.

- But I have a ticket.

- Go take a seat.

There you go.

[upbeat music]

Action packed.

- This is my favorite bit.

He's a runner.

- He'll never make it.

You want to put that shot in.

- Please don't call the cops.

- I won't phone Her Majesty's police force.

I'm going to get you an agent.

[upbeat music]

- They took all Tony's stuff.

[speaking foreign language]

- Fucking thieves.

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ Is it coming by the river

- I have a job for you.

Who's the patron saint of the Catholic Church?

Apaedophilia.

What do you get for the paedophile who has everything?

A bigger parish.

♪ To get to know you

♪ Mending light to talk about himself ♪

- Are you going to buy that?

- I was going to appropriate it for a little while maybe.

- There are CCTV cameras all over the shop.

- Ah, yes.

CCTV.

Watched 24 hours a day till we all conform

to the power of surveillance.

I don't read it yet.

- You could buy it.

- Or I can save money and spend on dinner.

For two maybe.

- [Woman] I don't want to get in trouble.

[speaking foreign language]

- He doesn't have any money.

- I can bring back next week?

Just take now.

It's easy.

[cash register ringing]

[woman laughing]

- So, interesting book?

- Mmm.

Dali and Picasso.

- Very nice.

[speaking foreign language]

- I don't know how she lose her job.

She's very cute.

[speaking foreign language]

- Maybe.

- She works in a bookshop.

You didn't get her number.

Here. - I don't even start it!

- I thought you were reading something else.

- It's written by fat-ass American in shorts

and white sunhat.

He defiles Empire of Lights with deafening,

guttural vernacular,

clicking camera and hamburger scratch.

- So it didn't conjure up to the exciting images

of Nepalese monasteries?

- No.

- How much for this?

- None of these appeal to you?

- No.

- And your bag broke on the bus?

Which is why you were carrying them in your jacket?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's it.

- Tenner, cash?

[cash register ringing]

- Okay. - Piece of cake.

- Don't give to him.

I'll spend it at least on something useful,

like drugs and alcohol.

He'll just waste it.

- We can do drugs from here.

What do you want?

You want something to go up or to go down, or,

[laughing]

or you can get some books.

- [Cobakka] Best places to buy drugs in London,

Camden for cannabis,

New Cross for pills and good old Kilburn for crack.

- Thank you. - How long we can stay here?

- [Artash] Don't worry about it.

My father won't be back until tomorrow.

Fuck it.

- I know one place in Brixton.

We can stay 50 pounds one week.

- [Artash] All right!

A hostel? - Mm.

- Sure, if you want to spend your time with Saudi terrorists

and Albanian sheep fuckers.

Is there the gangster from Jamaica, man?

They knife each other and when they get bored,

they knife, kill, white guys.

- How can Rastafarians be so violent?

They smoke so much dope.

[speaking foreign language]

[speaking foreign language]

- The reason for my living,

for being here,

she's sleeping with one of my best friends.

Fuck.

Fuck. - You sleep around too.

- I sleep with chicks in parties just to sleep.

This is different.

She has a place to sleep, and someone to sleep with, me.

She's talking to me like nothing happens.

He's there and she's telling me

she's bought the fucking rings.

I can't believe she would do this to me.

The woman I trust more than the rest of humankind.

[door whirring]

- Oh, shit.

- [Man] I don't want to play house

with thieves and drug dealers.

- It's a big house, okay? - Oh, my God!

What do you think life is supposed to be like?

Will you-get there.

You are my son.

You're supposed to make my life a comfort and a joy.

You are like a vampire who sucks the blood from his victims

and then leaves them hopeless.

When did you start going so bad?

What more can I do for you?

- You know, more money, for the start, would be nice.

- You piece of shit.

You piece of shit.

You nothing.

You don't know what life is.

When you do,

if you do,

I hope you'll be smiling.

- Wherever they go,

Russians seem to crap all over the planet.

[upbeat music]

♪ If you love me

♪ As much as the words you speak ♪

♪ You got a funny way of showing it ♪

♪ Take it from me

♪ I made your love

♪ Out of the thoughts below

♪ But that was months ago

♪ So where are you now

♪ And I'm falling through the cracks ♪

♪ In time

♪ You got me falling through the cracks ♪

♪ I don't seem to be in evidence ♪

♪ Not even in consequence

♪ Not even in mind

♪ All I saw was inconsistency

♪ Never the honesty

♪ You bought and sold

♪ And I'm falling

And stay away from Artash,

probably turn a mobile phone into crack.

[crowd cheering] - [audience applauding]

Welcome.

Tonight we are going to cook heroin.

[all groaning] [audience applauding]

What you need is the heroin.

[crowd cheering]

Spoon.

Citric acid.

Syringe.

And a syringe pack.

Take the heroin,

pour the citrics over, add water,

boil until all dissolved.

After that you're ready to go.

In the pack, we also have a pre-injection cleansing swab.

You can use this use this to burn it hotter and longer.

And the gear appears.

[crowd cheering]

- This is how they live in homeland of Bob Marley.

[reggae music]

♪ Billy billy bong bong

♪ Billy bong bong Billy bong bong ♪

All niggers wake up at 12 noon,

wash their faces, clean their teeth

and plug in their reggae-screaming stereos.

They head for beach to smoke dope.

[toilet flushing]

So what awaits those brothers careless enough

to emigrate to foggy Albion?

He gets up at six, has cold shower,

and is squeezed into Tube with no reggae

and plenty of dull work.

I've been rejected from university.

I know I should try philosophy department.

- I've been good to you.

I let you stay here because you didn't have anywhere to go.

But I will not have drugs on my site.

- It's not me.

I don't do this stuff.

- Maybe you do, maybe you don't.

There's more silverware here than in the kitchens

of the bloody Dorchester.

- I swear to God, it's not me!

- It doesn't matter who it is.

You're in charge of security.

That means no junkies, so you didn't do your job.

I have to keep this place drug-free or I'm out of a job,

and I've got, like, four wives.

The company will tolerate a bit of stealing.

I mean, they're insured for that, but drugs?

It's an absolute no-no.

- But I have to get one thing from-

- No, you can go.

- I have to get one thing from this.

No, not this.

It's one thing different.

- You'll have to come back next week

when I'm sure there's nothing missing.

- It's very important. - Get out.

- It's not worth anything next week.

- Out. - Please.

- Out. - Please.

I need my checkbook.

- [Man] Never, ever, ever steal from the family again!

- You stole from Grandpa.

- That's different.

He's useless.

He's rubbish.

- You lost me my job.

Fucking parasite.

You kept the checks, but now I want my money.

- Your fucking money?

- My fucking money.

- It's in a fucking savings account, all right?

- [Cobakka] Let's go, right now.

Me and you, let's go.

- You're supposed to leave it in there

for at least six months.

- We're not going to be here for six months.

You don't have it, do you? - No, no, no.

It's just that the UK have a very,

very complex banking system.

- You spent our money.

You spent our money!

- Please don't hit me, at least not in the face.

I did spend at least half of it on Spiker, all right?

And I bought you some presents.

- It's impossible to rely on you.

- I'm willing to admit a certain lack of borderlines-

- One job to do.

One job only, just the checks.

You have nice cut.

We're all very happy.

But you had to change all the money into crack,

and turn Spiker into a junkie.

- He's an adult, you know?

He's perfectly capable of saying "no",

a word which, incidentally,

I haven't heard you saying when it was offered

to you for free.

- Leave him alone, or I will kill you.

[soft music]

♪ Dancing with the pretty thief ♪

♪ He's got eyes so sweet

- Can I help you?

Can I help you?

♪ And he

Can I help you with your bags?

- Oh, thank you, dear.

You're very kind.

[glass shattering]

Oh, don't worry, dear.

♪ Dancing with the ugly thief

♪ He got gold for teeth-

[shouting indistinctly]

- [Spiker] Fuck!

♪ That may be

♪ That pretty thief

♪ Yeah

♪ Dancing with the pretty girl she got diamonds and pearls ♪

♪ And she moves like the breeze and me ♪

♪ The loser at his feet

- A can of Coke.

Yep, look.

Listen, I've got to go.

I've got a client.

- Hey.

I'd like to get mobile phone.

- You think I'm stupid, lad?

- No.

- Listen, mate.

Do yourself a favor, go away and don't come back.

- Is there some problem with my documents?

- Are you from the Ukraine?

- Yeah!

- Thought so.

Pathological liars.

And eternally greedy.

Now piss off!

Bloody immigrants.

[dramatic music]

- Hey, how are things? - I'm fine.

How have you been?

- I, I just thought you could, maybe,

you know, lend me some money.

- Look, mate, you need to get off it, yeah?

- Okay.

Okay.

[doorbell ringing]

[knocking on door]

[speaking foreign language]

- [Sergei] No?

- I need some money.

- Huh!

Yeah, I see.

This is what always happens, you know?

You spend on the wrong things, my friend.

You were always the same at school.

Always borrowing money, never paying it back.

You still owe me $10 from 1987.

- What?

I could not believe what I am hearing.

It was as though there had not been 12 years

of friendship, as though we had not shared a desk at school,

as though together we did not beat the shit

out of our fat classmate pig, or puff the same dog-end.

- You said to me that you're going to look

after yourself here in London.

- [Cobakka] We gave him a phone for his birthday,

we trust him,

but Ukrainian blood runs through Sergei's veins.

and, added to this, the spirit of Carnegist.

- What I tell you when you first come to England?

You get in the car at the airport, what did I tell you?

♪ I said blow me up before I fade away ♪

- Thanks.

♪ I said, blow me up before I get that way, I said ♪

Thank you.

♪ I said, blow me up before I fade away ♪

♪ Yeah, don't you let me look that way ♪

- Salt.

♪ I said, pull the trigger before the night is through ♪

♪ There ain't nothing left but me and you ♪

- You again.

Why you steal from me?

Why not steal from Tesco,

or one of those big conglomerations that buy up

all the fields,

fill the air with carbon monoxide and put us all

out of business?

- On principle, normally I steal from Tesco,

but it's midnight.

- You think I don't have children to feed?

You think I don't have people at home waiting for me

to bring money home?

A wife that doesn't know what I do with all my time?

- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I was desperate.

- Take it.

I've been desperate.

Just go.

Go, and don't come back.

Please!

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ All down-and-out when they're black-and-blue ♪

♪ But we don't talk about that

♪ Are you from round here

♪ How do you do

♪ I'd like to talk about that

♪ Talk over gin in teacups and leaves on the lawn ♪

♪ Violence at bus stops and a pale thin girl ♪

♪ With eyes forlorn ah, gin in teacups ♪

♪ And leaves on the lawn

♪ Violence in dole queues and a pale thin girl ♪

♪ Behind the checkout

♪ But if you're looking for cheap sorts ♪

♪ As in false anticipation

♪ I'll be waiting in the photo booth ♪

♪ At the underground station

♪ So come away

♪ Won't you come away

♪ We're going to

♪ Catford, Watford

♪ Lincoln

♪ Digbeth

♪ Liverpool, anywhere in Albion ♪

[dramatic music]

- The deposit was 60.

- Minus 10 for each key, plus 10% wear and tear.

[door buzzing]

I hope you enjoyed your stay.

- I would rather live in sewer.

[urine spraying]

[speaking foreign language]

- From thieving genie.

Who do you think?

- Um.

[speaking foreign language]

- This is for one chocolate.

Artash steals all our money.

Huh?

What do you think about this? Nothing.

- Well, what do you expect?

He is a junkie.

Hi, friend.

[sighing]

It's okay.

It does say that a person attending before December 31st,

we're entitled to a bar of-

- Yeah, I can read English.

Day release from the asylum shelter, is it?

- What?

You not forget something?

Hm?

Aren't you supposed to say, "Thank you for shopping?"

- Not to immigrants, I'm not.

[sighing] [speaking foreign language]

- Bye-bye.

- Yeah.

- [Cobakka] I watch Spiker on the phone to his mother,

sitting in the doorway, unshaven and he smells,

like any other homeless drunk.

I wonder what kind of person it takes to make it

to a place such as this.

For a moment, I thought maybe I could help him.

Remind him why we come

or to say it was okay to go,

that we see each other back in Moscow,

for drink with our friend,

laugh at stories of escapade in heroin clutch

of foggy Albion.

[speaking foreign language]

- No, mate.

- It's me? - But truth is,

I didn't know who Spiker was anymore.

- Okay, bye, you guys. - And I didn't care.

Why do childhood friends grow up?

It ever so great?

- I love Christmas.

It's sweet, like the sunshine.

What do you think? - Very nice.

- Want to see my woman? - Sure.

Beer breaks them.

How could I ever imagine that I,

Moscow hooligan and Nazi, would ever become Negro-lover?

- [Women] When do PIN numbers come into operation?

- [Man] Two or three months from now.

- [Man] And if you don't have one?

You won't be able to use your credit card,

and you won't be able to get a bank account

without a work permit.

- [Woman] And what about people who already have accounts?

- [Man] People who already have accounts will be-

- [Cobakka] Just when I thought things cannot get any worse,

they introduce PIN number.

[dramatic music]

- Look, all-new technology.

- Very impressive.

♪ Lord, there goes Johnny Appleseed ♪

♪ He might pass by in the hour of need ♪

♪ Has a lot of soul

♪ Been drinking from the well

♪ Locked in a factory

♪ Hey

♪ Don't they know

♪ Hey

♪ Don't they know

♪ If you're after getting the honey ♪

♪ Hey

♪ Then you don't go killing all the bees ♪

So, Brother,

I read to you to distract you from your sad state of mind.

[knocking on door]

- Please help me. - No.

I need money for a band.

I need verifiable address.

I have a plan.

- I know.

I wish I had plan.

I don't.

I'm begging you.

- I need this job, Artash.

I have been visualizing the future, and it looks good.

You will get your notes published,

and as to showing them to my mother,

well, I am one quarter of a century old

and I feel I can do whatever I want.

Maybe they will see it simply as bravado or two fraudsters

who fell greedily upon freedom and shamelessly tried

to reap all its fruit.

Or perhaps they will find story of friendship

and treachery or the joy of life and loneliness,

of the realization of simple truth that,

more often than not, sadness and adversity happen

because of the inability to believe in something.

Maybe this is friendship.

I don't know.

[light acoustic guitar music]

- Four pounds, please. - One coffee latte.

♪ He said, come on, then let's stop by the river ♪

♪ No one's there but me and the ducks ♪

♪ And they've stopped talking to me anyway ♪

♪ And I would like to get to know you ♪

- I, uh, don't suppose that, uh...

You know, I was going to quit drinking today.

And then, uh,

well, there you are, like an angel.

It's nae Big Ben, y'know.

Big Ben's just the bell.

It's been cracked since they put it there.

I love the way it sounds, though.

- Keep it.

I don't need it.

No.

I just need some water.

I have picture in my mind dear to my heart.

Hampstead Heath, watching planes fly over.

The one time we felt happy on these goddamn isles.

And you at your dacha,

sitting on the porch, fucking blown away.

Heavy snowfall starts, with big flakes.

In half an hour, we will be in the forest.

Then, coming back home, we sit by the fire with no talking,

because now we no longer need it.

We are alive, mijo.

Is that not beautiful?

Your friend, Cobakka.

- [Woman] What is that smell?

- What smell?

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Can't take no more of this panic and stress ♪

♪ Rely on living off the DHSS

♪ Ain't got no money 'cause I don't wanna work ♪

♪ Just sit about and let the hours drift away ♪

♪ He tried his hand at a job in a factory ♪

♪ But can't take orders off the people that he don't like ♪

♪ He can't make up his mind what he wants to be ♪

♪ I'd have to say that I've got to agree ♪

♪ You're getting lost in London ♪

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ I cannot lie yes, I find it so hard ♪

♪ To sell my dreams for a job with security ♪

♪ You want me close Yeah, you want me so near ♪

♪ But, darling, don't you know I never had a career ♪

♪ But all these kids lying naked aside the tree ♪

♪ Till she found out he was broken ♪

♪ It was good night

♪ He can't make up his mind

♪ What he wants to be I'd have to say ♪

♪ That I've got to agree

♪ You're getting lost in London ♪

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ We've got a bit of a problem with the youth of today ♪

♪ You better find a solution

♪ You can say what you like

♪ But you know we're not fit for nine to five ♪

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

♪ Getting lost in London

[upbeat music]

♪ Well, I was walking down the high road ♪

♪ And this guy stops me

♪ He'd just got in from New Zealand ♪

♪ And he was looking for mushy peas ♪

♪ I said, no, we hadn't really got 'em round here ♪

♪ I said, but we do got

♪ Balti, bhindi, strictly Hindi ♪

♪ Dall, halal and I'm walking down the road ♪

♪ We got rocksoul, okra, Bombay duck ra ♪

♪ Shrimp beansprout

♪ Comes with it or without, with it or without ♪

♪ Bagels soft or simply harder

♪ Exotic avocado or toxic empenada ♪

♪ We got akee, lassi, somali waccy baccy ♪

♪ I'm sure back home you know

♪ What tikka's all about, what tikka's all about ♪

♪ Welcome stranger

♪ To the humble neighborhoods

♪ You can get inspiration along the highroad ♪

♪ Hommus, cous, cous in the jus of octopus ♪

♪ Pastrami and salami and lasagne on the go ♪

♪ Welcome stranger, there's no danger ♪

♪ Welcome to this humble neighborhood ♪

♪ There's balti, bhindi, strictly Hindi ♪

♪ Dall, halal and I'm walking down the road ♪

♪ Rocksoul, okra, Bombay duck ra ♪

♪ Shrimp beansprout, comes with it or without ♪

♪ So anyway, I told him I was in a band ♪

♪ He said, Oh yeah, oh yeah, what's your music like ♪

♪ I said, it's um

♪ Um

♪ well, it's kinda like

♪ You know, it's got a bit of, um, you know ♪

♪ Ragga, bhangra, two step tanga ♪

♪ Mini-cab radio, music on the go ♪

♪ Um, surfbeat, backbeat, frontbeat, backseat ♪

♪ There's a bunch of players and they're really letting go ♪

♪ We got, Brit pop, hip-hop, rockabilly, lindy hop ♪

♪ Gaelic heavy metal fans, fighting in the road ♪

♪ Ah, Sunday boozers, for chewing gum users ♪

♪ They got a crazy DJ and she's really letting go ♪

♪ Oh, welcome stranger

♪ Welcome stranger to the humble neighborhoods ♪

♪ Well, I said, there's plenty of places to eat ♪

♪ He said, oh yeah, I'm pretty choosy ♪

♪ You got balti, bhindi, strictly Hindi ♪

♪ Dall, halal, walking down the road ♪

♪ Rocksoul, okra, Bombay duck ra ♪

♪ Shrimp beansprout, comes with it or without ♪

♪ Just check it out