Original subtitles

When you sent me that message, it got my hopes up.

I thought it might be a booty call.

Argh! My God, she's deranged!

Nic!

Did you know she told Harry

to play that recording of you at the memorial?

Harry, did Mummy make you play that video...

Don't, Nic! Yes or no? Let him talk! How dare you?!

It's the most heinous thing...

Shit. No, no, no, that's the wrong one.

You deleted it? What was the other video?

Nothing. You got what you wanted. Jen!

I killed him.

She could be anywhere.

I think I've found her.

DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS

MUSIC REACHES CLIMAX

We can't keep coming here every day, you know.

If I saw her here, then I'll see her again.

She's got to walk past at some point.

Look, I think you should try and just let this go now.

All this stress is no good for the baby. I'm fine.

Right, I'm calling it. Come on. I can't. You can.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

You shouldn't even be the one saying that, I should.

I mean, do you not realise how incredible you are

for actually wanting to do something about it?

I didn't, did I? And I should have done.

Come on.

You just need to let it go, focus on all the good things

that are happening. You're about to have a baby.

And...

..maybe...

Maybe I could be a part of this baby's life with you.

Let me come to your NCT class.

And then when we get home we can run a nice hot bubble bath together.

Love your bubbling body in the bath tub.

THEY LAUGH

MESSAGE ALERT

What day are we going over there?

I don't know, but he promised it'll be a day

when we get the whole house to ourselves.

I'm just kind of nervous to go because he's got a real thing

for blow jobs but, like, it's not really my thing.

MESSAGE ALERT

What am I supposed to do while you're giving him a blow job?

I don't know, Lauren.

Just do what normal people do and go on your phone!

It's 9am.

Yeah, and I'm an alcoholic and I'm depressed and I want a drink.

Your honesty is actually really refreshing.

There was a woman that used to come in here

and she'd buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's

and then she'd buy a gift bag for it and she'd put it in the gift bag

and pretend it was a present for someone.

Yeah, that was me.

Oh, yeah, that was you.

Oh, yes, tissues. I literally just run out of wank tissues...

Right, take my money.

I want some dunkers as well, Kurtan.

Get it yourself, Kerry, you big lazy ox.

Absolute loon.

Oi! Go, Kurtan, go!

Faster, Kurtan! Faster!

Don't look back, Kurtan!

Kids, eh?

Sad thing is they're both in their late 30s.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Can I help you? Erm, sorry...

It said on Google that this was the address for Rasputin's IT Solutions?

Yeah.

Jurgen!

Have we met?

I don't think so.

Hmm, not in this lifetime, then.

He with you?

Who?

The thin fella with the hood and the scythe.

What are you talking about?

Don't worry. Come in, then. Not you. You stay out!

Come.

No!

OK. Jurgs!

I don't know where he is. He's somewhere.

Huh. That's a nice picture.

Really nice colours in that one.

I looked through your videos but I don't see the deleted files.

Either you didn't delete it or you are, how do you say...

..a compulsive liar.

What?! No, I didn't delete it. I told you, someone sent it to me

and they deleted it from the chat before I could watch it all.

Ah, OK. OK.

Do you see what I'm saying? Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja.

So, do you think you can get it back? No.

Are you crazy? It's gone.

Oh, come on! You lot can hack the White House and the MOD and shit!

Tell me what you mean by "you lot". The Dutch?

No! Nerds!

Ah, OK.

Still offensive. A little less so.

Oh!

The next train at Platform 1...

LAUGHTER

Bingo.

God, I hate that coat.

Who does she think she looks like? David Jason?

No, wait. Come on, Suz, just let me do this, please.

You're going to tell her she's a shit mum. Jesus Christ, Suz.

And you're going to tell her she's fat.

Obese, even.

OK, this is getting ridiculous now. What am I supposed to say to her?

Call her a fat bitch, fat slag?

Hey, fatty boom boom, have another cream pie?!

This is not a joke, Alex. Yes, I know it's not a joke.

Why is this so hard for you?

Because you're still in love with her? I'm not in love with her.

I was never in love with her.

It's...

She was the only person who didn't make me feel completely incompetent.

You, Dan, Mum...

..all of you my entire life made me feel like a LeFou.

She made me feel like a Gaston. SUPPRESSED LAUGH

There we go. Exactly!

You're going to tell her... HE SIGHS

..the sex was fine, but she needs to lose some weight.

That will kill her.

Even more than the bad mum stuff. Fuck's sake.

And you're going to tell her her fanny stinks

like fish fingers left out in the sun.

No!

That's where I draw the line.

Fine!

I do love you. Text me when you've done it.

HE SNIFFS

Mmm.

Did you just sniff me?

Can I ask you a question?

Will you be my friend?

No. Over email? Give me my phone.

Just message? Yeah, no. Erm... Er...

I think she liked me.

No, she's gone.

Oh, well. Time for some Mr Bean, I think.

Where's your god now, Furby?

What are you watching?

That Furby's going to get absolutely creamed. Yeah.

LOUD THUD Oooh!

Can't you watch something else? It's only a Furby.

Guess who's dead. Hm? Guess who's dead.

Erm, a member of the royal family? No.

Local. Like, not...not famous.

Ooh, please say Malcolm from next door?

No. Oh!

Erm... Er... Boss-eyed trolley boy from Waitrose? No.

That lollipop lady who doesn't wear a bra? No.

Light bulb head man, wears Jamiroquai hat,

walks his dogs at midnight? Yeah, what is with that guy?

What's with the hat? I know.

Baggott. Oh! Baggott is dead.

Oh, my God, no! Yeah.

When? A couple of weeks ago, apparently.

The spirits did tell me a month ago.

I was going to warn her but then... I got distracted by a sudoku.

But a very, very tricky one, I've got to add.

Do we know how she died? The spirits didn't say.

I bet Jen found her.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, God. MESSAGE ALERT

My God!

Lucy will know. She's such a nosy bitch.

Oh!

Guess who's been arrested. Who?

Light bulb head man. What for?

Dogging.

That explains the dog walking at midnight, doesn't it?

It does. It doesn't explain the hat though.

No. How do you know about dogging?

Do you think 50 quiches is going to be enough?

Oh, God, yeah. I mean, I imagine, other than us,

the only people that are going are Daphne and the cab driver

that used to run her up to big Morrisons, bless her. OK.

How is she?

Well, she's not well, Nic, obviously. She's dead.

Oh, not Mrs Baggott. Jen! Right. God, yeah...

Jesus.

She's still a slag. Not her usual massive slaggy self

but maybe, like, grieving slag. What does that mean?

Well...

..she's a bit weepy, but still looking over her shoulder for cock,

so she's... PRETENDS TO CRY

I've thought about calling her but she was so angry with me

last time I saw her I just don't know what to do.

What did you two fall out over? Was it cock?

No! What, she borrowed a DVD, did she? Bring it scratched. Typical!

No. It's not 2004.

That's...

FRONT DOOR OPENS Ah!

Back from your Hong Kong business trip, are you? Yeah.

Yeah? Still shagging that whore?

Like you wouldn't believe.

Guess who's shagging the PE teacher.

It's not me.

We've got that, erm, dinner... dinner party with Matt and Sophie

at the weekend. Right. I'm having a shower. Great.

Oh, my God.

Everything makes sense now.

What do you mean? Well, the stand-up comedy, the PTA shit,

you eating that spring onion raw.

Just leave the bastard. No, Nic, I can't leave him.

I physically can't. Why?!

OK, if I tell you this, please will you promise not to tell anybody?

Oh, my God, of course.

Erm, we're both tied into this joint Virgin Active gym membership

until next March.

Right.

It's 230 quid.

Can you just take me to go and see Jen? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shall we go?

I think Mr Woodbead's really good for you, you know. Do you?

I do, yeah. Do you know he's a proper entrepreneur?

He's got this amazing idea. He's going to take it on Dragons' Den.

Right. It's a port-a-potty for Glastonbury

that converts your shit and piss into energy

in order to charge your phone.

Oh, right. Yeah. And he was in Waitrose the other day

and he got me this recipe card for a flapjack

cos he thought I'd like to bake it. How cute is that? Ah, that's sweet.

And he just takes his shoes off, he puts his glass in the dishwasher

and I think the most important thing for me personally

is that he's just got this lovely, straight, normal cock.

Right, let's go! Yeah. Let's go.

So, what do you think?

Have you put filler in her lips? Yes.

Wow.

That has made a real difference. Yeah.

Well, it's taken years off her.

You know I could give her a non-surgical nose job?

Oh, no, no. I think that might be a bit too much.

God.

I just wish she could see

how much that's really balanced out her features.

God, why is life so shit?

It's a lot, yeah. Yeah.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh... I'm so glad you're here.

I'm so glad I'm here.

Oh, hi, Jesus.

Yeah, I don't know you.

Nic. You did my wedding.

I've done a lot of weddings.

But don't worry, I'll remember you. You're my first funeral.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS OK.

Yeah, sorry, I'm going to need to take this. It's my lawyer.

I'm going through a very messy custody battle with my ex

over our chinchilla. Chinchilla. Hello...

Why you laughing?

Hello? I'm not laughing.

No, he cannot have Alan on a Wednesday!

Well, I'm sorry, I've got a busy work schedule, too.

Yeah, I'm working two jobs, actually!

No, don't play with me! DOOR SLAMS

She was totally fine. She was in great spirits.

She'd come over to watch Magic Mike's Last Dance.

She just... She just loved...

The helicoptering, yeah. Channing Tatum. Yeah, yeah.

And then...

..she started, like...

She started, like, breathing really heavily.

And I thought she was just getting a bit turned on.

You know?

So I just looked away.

But when I went to wake her up to take her home, she...

And all the breathing, it must have...

It must have been a death rattle.

Oh, my God.

I should never have agreed to let her watch it.

No. Not that many times. She didn't have the constitution for it, Nic.

And then I called Daphne,

just, you know, keep an eye on her while I'm calling the ambulance,

and while I'm on the phone I turn round

and I see Daphne is prying the boots off of her cold, dead feet.

Oh, my...!

And she's going, "Well, we can't let a perfectly good pair of Dunes

"go to waste, darling!"

You know?

And then she said...

.."She won't need them where she's going, darling!"

And she didn't point up there, Nic.

She pointed down there!

Oh, my God.

Oh, mate, I'm so sorry.

What can I do? Please, can I do something?

Nothing. I just...

It's all sorted now anyway. Jesus was the last thing I had to...

Right, let's polish this turd.

Jesus Christ, Jesus!

They didn't look like that earlier. They're definitely getting bigger!

It's probably just a slight allergic reaction

How can she be having an allergic reaction to lip filler? She's dead.

Well, the thing is, I didn't use lip filler. Huh?

I used a type of filler. What type of filler?

Expanding filler.

Oh! What?! No, it's fine.

It's industry standard. It's a kind of expanding foam, kind of...

Oh, my God! MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, shit, it's Baggott's grandson!

Erm...

Hi!

They're getting bigger. It will settle.

Just keep her away from open flames. SHE GASPS

What? They're cremating her!

Look, yeah, I couldn't afford the proper stuff,

because every single penny I'm getting right now

has to go for the fight for Alan.

You do not understand what I've been going through.

That bastard had Alan for one week and he comes back to my house

four pounds overweight. Do you have any idea

what an extra four pounds of fat looks like on a chinchilla?!

He looked like a football. The bastard had been feeding him KFC!

I'm so sorry.

Napkins. Oh, my...

LOUD CRASH What was that?

Oh, shit!

MICROWAVE BEEPS AND SPARKS Yeah, that is going to be roasted.

Shall I? Yeah, let it out, let it out.

Whoa, that is smoky.

Oh, can I go down to the cellar and get the Christmas decorations?

Especially that can of snow, that'll explode nicely. Yeah?

No, cos the stairs are rotten,

you'll fall through and break your neck.

What the hell is going on?

What are you doing?! Science.

What's in there? What's in the microwave?

Mum, calm down. It's only a piece of magnesium wrapped in tinfoil,

balancing on top of hairspray. Absolutely not. Get it out now!

Oh, Mum, you're so boring!

Can I have a word with you, please, over there? Don't tell him off.

I wasn't, I wasn't.

Very nice frizz, that. Oh, thanks.

Did you come second in Crufts? Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Erm, are you sure you're OK with this? Yeah.

Hang on, what's going on?

Nothing, mate. Don't worry.

DOORBELL

I'll get it. Thank you.

Who's that? Hm? Who is it, at the door?

Oh... Jen and Harry.

What?!

I need a wee, I need a wee, I need a wee! Harry, will you...?

You...taken up scuba diving?

No, just muff.

I think I'll just wait for Nic outside.

Yeah, it's probably for the best, yeah.

Oh, come on, Ollie, please don't give me a hard time.

I mean, don't you think it's just a little bit suspicious

that you've fallen out with Jen and now suddenly Baggott's dead?

Nic, come on. Surely you've heard of the psychopath test.

What?! Why does a woman go to her mother's funeral,

see a bloke she fancies, go home and kill her sister?

I think I know this one.

Is the guy Irish?

No. No. He's not Irish.

It's because she thinks that the guy will go to her sister's funeral.

That's how a psychopath's brain work.

Killing Baggott is her only way back in with you.

I don't think I like what you're trying to say!

It doesn't matter if you like it - it's the truth.

Her olive branch to you was homicide of a vulnerable old woman

who's probably got premium bonds.

I mean, that's how that woman's brain works. She's not right!

Jen's waiting.

How can you be so bloody stupid?! Hey, whoa, whoa!

Don't talk to your mum like that. Dad, surely you can see it too.

You've always said she was a psycho.

Yeah, but I can say that. I'm an adult, I pay my taxes.

You're choosing her over me, aren't you? Oh, God, no!

Yes, you are, again! Oh, Ollie, please.

You know what? It's times like these I know exactly why

Macaulay Culkin divorced his parents.

Right, I'm not going Hey, you've got to go.

I can't, not when he's that upset.

No, you're going to go, and you're just going to take

as long as you need, all right?

Ollie's just so...

Well, Ollie will be OK.

I'll just whack the iPad in the microwave and...

No microwaves. No microwaves. Please, no microwaves.

I promise, no microwaves, no microwaves, OK?

OK. Thank you.

Thank you.

You know, despite everything else falling apart...

..we've gotten stronger, haven't we?

Yeah.

GROAN TUBE GROANS

You all right, mate? Oh, God. How long has he been there?

I don't know, but he gives me the creeps.

You all right?

Are we the only women here?

Yeah, I think so.

Daphne was in charge of the guest list.

Had him.

Haven't had him.

There's still time.

Jen, I swear to you, I've made 50 quiches, and they've just...

They've evaporated into thin... You saw, didn't you?

Yeah. There were Lorraines and a spring onion one, and...

Look, Lucy, just don't.

No, listen, I boxed them up and I put them in the car...

Oh, bollocks. What?

There's no quiches. And, Nic, I'm very sorry but your cat's dead.

Oh, not again.

Well, just don't worry about it, Lucy, OK?

I don't think people are bothered about eating at these things,

they're more interested in the booze and we've got loads of that.

Well, we did have loads of that, look.

Ugh, Daphne!

Don't be angry, darling.

I'm raising a glass to the old bitch, darling.

I just... I can't deal with this.

Oh... I actually can't. I need to get hold of her grandson.

He's supposed to be doing the eulogy, he's not even here.

Have you called him? I can't find my pissing phone anywhere!

I wouldn't have left it in your car? Can you...? Yes, of course.

Yeah? No problem. All right. Thanks, Lucy.

Oh, God, the smell of Old Spice in here makes me want to barf.

Oh, my God, Jack Tanner, the butcher's boy.

I thought he died.

Oh, darling! I knew you'd come, darling.

Couldn't keep away, darling.

Is that rickets, darling, or are you pleased to see me?

Oi, why are you not playing with Harry?

I don't want to play with him. You play with him.

I don't want to play with him. He's not my friend.

MESSAGE ALERTS He's not my friend either.

Honestly, he's an idiot.

He thinks you can catch meningitis from charity shop toys.

MESSAGE ALERTS

Look what I'm wearing.

Oh, God, that's my favourite. You're giving me a semi already.

Let's go upstairs, then. Actually, no, just quickly come in here.

Please.

The baby-sitter's not shown up yet, so... I'm sorry.

Just let Lauren look after them. Absolutely not. She's an imbecile.

Who are you?

Father Christmas.

Oh, I knew you'd do this. You're just breadcrumbing me!

I'm not breadcrumbing you! I love you.

What else have you got in here?

You're always making excuses.

I promise, the boys were supposed to be out the house by now.

Some Frubes, I think. Nice.

Look how attracted to you I am. My boner's like the Eiffel Tower.

Look at that.

Dan, I'm serious!

OK.

I'll find a backup plan. Meet me at the usual place.

Please don't touch my Huel.

You know he's never going to leave her.

He will when he finds out I've not been taking the pill.

You're not pregnant, are you?

Where is he?

SCREECHING DISTORTION

What is this? Now a duet me and the old bitch used to sing.

it lasts eternally

This song's about me.

DOORBELL

Ah, come in.

Thank you. That's OK. Work called and Nic's got this bloody funeral

and I've got to sort this... It's fine, Dan.

OK. The boys are upstairs, they shouldn't be any trouble.

I'll be one or two hours, tops. Take as long as you need.

Thank you. You're a life saver. Help yourself to whatever...

..wine! Ooh, thanks.

to understand the man

DISTRESSING NOISE

I have to get out of here.

a little bit more than me

It's fine.

Sorry, sorry...

Jen?

DISTRESSING MUSIC BUILDS

DISTRESSING MUSIC STOPS

Come on, Ollie. Are you coming back upstairs to play with Harry?

He won't come up. He hates me.

Ollie!

How do I buy V-Bucks on the phone? Can you do it?

You're a bit young for a phone, aren't you?

It's not mine, it's my mum's.

While you do that, can I try a beer from the fridge?

Yeah, whatever.

And it's the most heinous thing that anybody could do.

Oh, God, you're not a nonce, are you?

Oh, my God, no!

OK, no, fine, sorry.

Erm, I don't know what, then. What?

Alex...

What?

I killed him.

I killed him.

What? Oh, God, I can't believe I just said that out loud.

I killed him.

I killed him.

You know when the doors were closing and I said that it's because we...

..we were hugging... Yeah. We weren't hugging. I just...

He'd dumped me and I was so angry...

No, fuck off!

Nic!

What the hell? This is... This is Sam, Mrs Baggott's grandson.

LOUD BANG

Fuck! Her lips have exploded! FIRE ALARM

MUFFLED SINGING

Nic!

Suz, I'm back.

Sorry I'm late.

Took longer than expected.

Well, where's Suz?

Oh, she had to go. Her car's outside.

OK.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

She's left her phone.

OLLIE CHUCKLES

She'd forget her head if it wasn't screwed on. Women, eh?

Did she say where she was going?

No.

No, no idea.

Can't you see they're open wide?

Can't you see they're open wide?