Original subtitles

I killed him. Well...

And how long have you been separated, the two of you?

A week.

When can you come home? Please, can you just try, Mum?

For me?

Oh, darling.

Ollie was great back there, wasn't he?

He gets it all from you.

All the good stuff, the funny stuff.

Not the cat-murdering, psychopathic stuff.

You're fit, giving me the all.

CAT MEOWS

Becca, you've got to let me help you, please.

You should have started at half nine.

Sorry, I'm letting you go but you're a terrible employee.

I've been sleeping with Nic.

Oh, my God.

You?! Yeah.

We should put this on the big screen at school.

Like Mum made me do for her at that memorial.

What?

When the phone alarm goes off,

connect it to this Bluetooth device.

I've had that level of connection to a guy called Alex.

I want to go home.

Yeah, Ollie, you said.

Where's Mum? I'm-I'm still trying to work out where she is

and when I do, you'll be the first to know.

Ollie, do you want to see how many times

I can fold this crisp packet up?

No, no, I don't.

I want to go home.

Can't you call Daddy to come and pick me up.

No, Ollie. Why not?

Look, you might get to call the shots at home,

but you don't get to do to do that here, and certainly not with me.

Look, your mum's left you in my care.

OK? Yeah, she wouldn't if she knew.

What did you say?

Nothing. If she knew what?

Just to let you know, I'm on fold number seven.

Don't care.

Do you want me to let you know when I'm on fold number eight? Nope.

Do you want me to let you know when I'm on fold number nine? No.

I'll wake you up when I get to fold number ten. Da-da-da. OK.

Action!

SHE SIGHS

Nic?

Nic?

Get away! Ah!

What have I told you about stealing our pants?

I'm sorry.

Get away! Get!

Run for your life.

Run!

Fucking stalker!

LAUGHTER

CHATTERING

PHONE RINGS

Hi, this is Nic.

I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.

Leave a message and if I don't call you back, it's you.

After what I told you, how can you still be my mate?

And I don't think I've ever said that to anyone,

other than Ollie, and really meant that.

DOG BARKS

I need to have a look through your bag.

Oh!

This is ridiculous.

What are you even looking for? Guns? Yeah, and nail bombs.

Do I really look like the kind of person that would bring

a nail bomb to a Christmas party?

No, but you do look like you'd drown a litter of Andrex puppies

in a barrel full of piss.

It's in the eyes.

No, don't open that. That's Becca's secret Santa.

Fine.

Something unfunny and distasteful, I assume.

Potty humour.

The worst type of humour belongs in a potty.

Not on my shop floor.

I'm gonna have to confiscate these, I'm afraid.

Oh, you're pathetic.

You knew there was gonna be a cash bar?

Well, I can't afford to pay £5 for a pint.

Not on what you pay me.

You get 20% discount off everything in store.

Oh, do I look like someone who wants to eat pumpkin fucking gnocchi?

No. No, you don't.

DOG GROWLS AND BARKS Jesus Christ!

Gavin, get it off of me!

Are you smuggling drugs, Jen?

No, you twat! I'm on my period!

Stop it, Adam Rickets! Kev! Kev, quickly.

Grab an artisanal salami from aisle four.

The one with the fennel?

It doesn't matter.

Just get off me, Adam Rickets!

Rickets, here boy, go on.

Oh, it's not working.

You'll have to stick your finger up his arse.

I can't stick my finger up Adam Rickets' arse. Just do it!

You absolute bastard!

DOG GROWLS

DOG WHINES

Enjoy your evening.

And I want my pants replaced.

Of course.

Matalan?

No!

Bon Marche.

Touche.

Don't touch the salami before you've washed your hands.

Oh! Fucking hell.

It's like dealing with a Womble.

Shall I just bin it?

No, no, just just reduce it.

Hi, this is Becca.

Please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.

Mate, um...

You all right?

He, um, he's letting you out, isn't he?

Fuck me, it is getting dire here.

Um,

look, if you can't come, you just let me know that you're OK.

And also, Kev is being a complete Nazi about the karaoke thing.

So if you don't come, then he's gonna make me do it on my own.

So, er, you'll have that on your conscience.

Will you, er, please just let me know you're all right.

BALLOON BURSTS

OK, and the last present is for Kev.

Yeah, great.

Oh, that is...

Where's mine?

I don't know, that was the last one.

Are you kidding?

Even the cheese delivery guy got flavoured Johnny's

and he only turns up for 15 minutes once a fortnight.

Yeah, but Nige is popular though.

Captain gobbler. Ooh, ooh, ooh!

It's just it's not even going to make any sense.

It's a duet, it's a two parter.

What? Your name's down, so you've got to do it.

I know my name's down,

but so is Becca's, and she's not here.

Why don't you just stop sulking and start singing?

You're actually ruining Christmas for everyone.

I'm not ruining Christmas.

Isn't she? Yes.

Confirmed.

prevented me...

DOG BARKS

Stop being a bastard, bastard!

Oh! Oh, God!

DOG GROWLS

Arranged everything.

But you have to be the one to do it.

Can you just leave us alone?

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, who'd you get it off?

I confiscated it.

From who? Pat from HR.

Don't give me too big a line or I won't eat anything from the buffet.

I've been looking forward to that buffet.

You rack 'em up, then.

All right, give it here.

Oh, God, it was painful watching her sing, wasn't it?

Did you know Becca wasn't coming?

No, did you? Yeah.

She doesn't want to be anywhere near that loco from Acapulco.

Really?

Yeah, she's been doing creepy shit,

like filming their private conversations.

Why?

Cos she's like proper fucking Coco Pops.

Jesus Christ!

Crush it up a bit before you rack it, Kev. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, go on, carry on, carry on.

Apparently, this woman got in contact with Becca on Facebook

and was, like, "Stay the fuck away from her."

She's just, like, notorious for filming all the time.

She's, like, constantly filming.

She's done it loads before.

There's so many more women.

What? How many?

Loads.

This one woman said she thought Jen was spying on her outside her house.

So her husband put a load of talc down outside the kitchen window.

And when they look the next day, there was a pair of size six

Shoe Zone prints in it.

Jen wears Shoe Zone?

I know, Kev.

She's a cheap bitch.

MUSIC PLAYS

You are a stalker!

He is cheating on you.

You're not pregnant.

I am! What is this? A fucking test!

I'm not married.

is all I need

Stop! You can't get rid of me.

You can't get rid of me.

I'm trying to help her.

I'm trying to help her.

Oh, do you know what? Give it here. My God.

Shit.

Under that door.

CHICKEN CLUCKS WEAKLY

Yeah.

All I can see is a pair of crap Shoe Zones.

Exactly!

DOG BARKS

DOOR OPENS

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

BANGING ON DOOR

HE SNORES

Nic!

Is that Mr Woodbead?

Mr Woodbead!

Shit!

Urgh.

Nic!

BANGING AND SNORING

MasterChef semifinal.

Nic!

Souffle.

HE SNORES

Torode?

Jen, just leave me down here.

I'm not just gonna leave you out here, am I?

All right!

Well, little Viv, she's got a key. She'll let me in.

That's not happening.

All right, stand back.

What are you doing? Just stand back, Ollie, OK? OK.

I'm gonna smash this window.

Ah! What the hell?1

Harry, pass me that gnome.

Not Mr Wigglesworth.

That'll break Malcolm's heart.

Wait, wait, there's a key under the gnome.

SMASHING

My God, she's deranged!

Nic!

Nic! Nic, Nic, wake up! I know you're up there.

Get up!

Get downstairs now!

Jen's let herself in downstairs.

She's nuts.

Come on, get up. She's coming through the front door.

I had a dream that I gave birth to a flip-flop.

Had a little knitted hat on it.

Terrifying.

Oh!

Mum! Hi, darling.

Did you stay here last night?

Yes, love.

Look, I'm sorry... Why didn't you come to pick me up?

I just need to talk to Jen for a minute, love.

I'm so sorry. Can I talk to you first?

A couple of minutes.

Mum, it's important. Listen to your mum, Ollie.

No. You're on my territory now, you listen to me.

Ollie!

No, Mum.

Did you know that she told Harry to play that recording

of you at the memorial on purpose?

What?

Harry, tell her. Tell her what you told me.

Tell her what?

You told me

that your mum told you to play that video of my mum.

No, I didn't. Yes, you did! I did not.

Ollie, what is this? Are you all right?

Mum? She's unhinged.

They're both lying, and I'm not having it.

You need to believe me for one... Please, just one time.

I need you to go up to your room and let me talk to Jen.

I'm not having you not believe me again, please!

Ollie, I've believed you before, mate.

I need you to go upstairs to your room, please.

Mum, please. Ollie, I need you to go upstairs now!

I'm not going anywhere until you say you believe me.

Is it true?

Oh, are you kidding?

Ah.

Oh...

Do you know, he's been like this all night!

Hey, he's hardly slept, look at him, he's been beside himself,

he was convinced that you'd abandoned him.

And just because I wouldn't march him round here at 3.00am,

he's taking it out on me!

I'm furious, Nic!

Come on, Harry!

Jen!

Jen!

Jen. I'm...

I'm sorry, I had a bath, and then I had a couple of drinks

and it just... Did you...him?

What? Did you?

Jesus, Jen! Did you?

No!

See, Nic, I can tell when you're lying.

You know, cos you're exactly like sodding Pinocchio,

except your nipples go hard.

Oh, my God! Yeah.

What's that all about? I don't know.

It's something to do with the anxiety,

it sort of increases your blood flow to...

That's disgusting...

So, what is this, then? What, are you back together with him?

Oh, I don't know... Oh. Course you don't.

I'm sorry. This is none of your business, actually!

None of my business? No!

None of my business?!

That is...

Oh, I just...

I think I'm going to wet myself. That is...

What is wrong with you? You're...

I know your business, Nic, more than you know your own business!

Oh, really?

Yeah, cos I know when you do your business

and I also know that you stand up to wipe your bum, which is...

I mean, who does that?

Everybody does that.

No, they don't, Nic! They...

They don't! Do you?

No! Oh!

You make everything my business your business.

Sorry, your business...

No, your business... ..my business.

My business your business.

Your business my...yes. You know what I mean!

I know what you mean. Are you going to...?

Are you going to tell him about what I told you?

Are you?

After everything I've done for you, you're just going to go back to him?

You're acting like I'm cheating on you!

This isn't normal behaviour, Jen, you're scaring me.

I'm scaring you? Am I? A little bit, yeah.

Harry, did Mummy make you play that video at the memorial?

Don't, Nic! Yes or no...

Let him talk. How dare you!

Mummy, can we go?

Yeah, yeah, we can go, we're going to go, OK.

Jen!

You know what, Nic, just... Just don't.

Jen! Don't!

Oh, my God, look.

Psychopath, smashed Mr Wigglesworth to crumbs, look.

Are you going to tell Malcolm? Cos I'm not.

Oh, my love, I believe you. OLLIE SOBS

LOUD MUSIC

What the...?

Um, what is going on here?!

Oh, Katya, it's you!

Come in, come join us,

Daphne's put on the most marvellous film!

Are you watching Magic Mike?

No, darling, it's Magic Mike XXL, darling!

What is that?

That's called helicoptering, apparently.

It's an art form, darling!

No.

Right, out, get out, both of you! Now!

Oh, you big cock block!

You made us miss the best bit, darling!

Right. Well, I'll take that.

Plenty more where that came from.

And that.

Out, now! Both of you.

We may be having over some gentlemen later.

Are we? Yes.

I thought we might call the fire brigade

and pretend we're in a bit of a jiffy.

Oh, genius, darling!

CUT! Sorry, there's a plane going over, it'll ruin the sound.

I thought this was a silent movie?

Listen, Daniel, you just focus on what you're doing

and I'll focus on what I'm doing.

Right? What is it that he does?

Right, he just needs to lay there

while his organs are being harvested by you,

the power-mad cult leader, without smirking please, Dad.

This is serious.

Oh. I'm sorry... I've got to take this off. I can't breathe.

Sorry, I am taking it seriously.

I'm just smirking at the fact that I'm being

sacrificed on a massage table...

It's all we could get, so you've just got to run with it.

Well, I need you to justify it in my back story.

No, I don't.

Well, you sort of do, actually.

If you want to be a director, it's like 90% of this is

sort of indulging your Daniel Day-Lewis types.

Yeah! You've got to indulge me here. Indulge him.

Fine! You are getting sacrificed on a massage table

because you were a physio

and the power-mad cult leader wants to rub it in your face.

Happy? Who was I a physio to? Sheffield Wednesday.

Oh, right. Reserves.

You're on, like, £19k a year...

Sometimes do some private work, too, with Ben Fogle

when he was training to run up some Welsh hill or whatever....

Yeah. It's a lot, innit?

That's a lot for me to have to process.

It's a lot to deal with. So why am I so mad?

Because you're mad with power. Mad with power. Oh!

Yeah, but why is she mad with power, though?

Because she's an outcast.

You know, she buys her shoes from Shoe Zone

and it's just, just messed her up, really.

Have you based this on Jen?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't... I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

Please. This is the perfect thing to base it on.

Mad, check.

Outcast, check, possible cult leader, check,

soulless emu eyes, double check.

She doesn't have soulless emu eyes, does she?

She bloody does, Nic. Unusually tiny head.

Do you know, I sort of get the black soullessness of the...

Sorry, what did you just say? Tiny head. Tiny head.

Can't trust anyone with a tiny head. All psychopaths have tiny heads.

Do you know, I saw her put on a hat of Mrs Baggott's

and it literally engulfed her whole head

and it went up to the shoulders.

And I remember looking at her thinking,

"Oh, my God, that's the Pixar lamp."

So, the tiny head did creep you out a little bit, didn't it?

Well, I was a little bit, yeah. I suppose.

Good - that is good. Work with that. Try...

Try and think about that, OK.

Channel that.

Right. Ready? Yeah, ready.

Don't laugh. No, I won't.

Action!

CUT! Sorry, it's just that Pixar lamp thing that really tickled me.

That's good, isn't it? That's a very niche reference.

Mum, it's not even that funny. It was.

Just carry on with this.

Right, let's try it again.

OK?

And action!

Right, that's it, that's a wrap.

Sorry. Oh, come on, Kubrick.

Don't be like that.

Don't take the mickey, honestly.

Oh, come on!

Call my agent, amateurs!

SHE SIGHS DEEPLY

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

Nic?

Look, I get what you said before, and, you know what?

You're probably right.

I should stop blaming Nic for it all,

Alex was just as much to blame.

Even more, really, he was an insecure prick.

And you know what? He was always like that, even before Nic.

But I just...I...

I really need to see that video,

I need to see what she said,

for my own sanity, I need to see that video...

Christ, if you're that desperate for the video,

I'll send it to you now. You will? Yeah.

If it means you'll piss off.

All right.

Great.

OK, I just...

Sorry, do you have my number?

No, I just... I'll air drop it to you.

No, I've got an Android.

Can't you air drop to an Android? No.

Oh, God, that's so annoying, you'd think they'd fix that.

Right, well, give me your number then.

07700... Oh.

Wait a sec, I haven't even unlocked it yet.

Sorry.

07700 90046... Do you want to slow down?

Who reads their number all at once like that without even...?

077... Yeah.

..00... Yeah.

..900... Yeah.

..468.

488.

No! 468.

Oh, 468. Hm-mm.

All right, read it back to me one more time.

Really?

Do you want me to send this or not?

07700...

..900468.

Sent. Have you got it?

Yes.

It's like the most heinous thing anybody could ever do.

Shit, shit, shit. No, no, no, no, no.

That's...that's the wrong one.

What...? What do you mean? That's, um...

Right. What, you...? You deleted it?

Right, you've got the right one there, so...

What? What was the other video? Nothing.

It was nothing, you've got what you wanted, now just fuck off!

Jen! Jen!

And it's the most heinous thing anybody could ever do.

Oh, God, you're not a nonce are you?

Oh, my God, no!

OK, no, fine, sorry.

Um, I don't... I don't know what, then, what?

Alex...

What?

..I killed him.

I killed him.

all night long

makes me your man