Original subtitles

And how's your son coping? I need to show you something.

Three, two, one...

Blast off.

This is Jeffrey Dahmer shit.

It's a one-off. It's not a one-off!

If it's a one-off, where's the second cat?!

What part am I playing, then? The witch?

No, everyone voted for Nic to play the witch cos of her nose.

She's weaselled her way back in again.

Oh, Mum. You killed him!

I want to see the video again. I don't have it.

I want to know what happened on that night.

The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector.

I'm going to put the phone here. It's not recording.

It's the most heinous thing anybody could ever do.

I killed him.

How are you getting on?

Oh, it's ridiculous.

Mate, I'm worried about you.

You haven't eaten anything and you just slept all day yesterday.

Why are you still here?

What?

After what I told you, how can you still be my mate?

SHE SIGHS

Do you want the truth? Yeah.

Because I would have done the same thing.

Really? Yeah.

I'm glad you did what you did.

I am.

Because now there's one less bastard in the world

and he would have done the same thing to another woman

because they think that we're all the same.

Cos it's men and their egos,

and the women around them are just collateral damage, and...

Like, don't take this the wrong way,

but I don't think you were thinking about the consequences.

I mean, it was only last week that you learnt

that we have to pay council tax. Yeah.

That's mad. Well...

God, what am I going to do?

You're just going to do what you've been doing.

You're just going to carry on...

..cos you're a mum and that's... that's what we have to do.

I love you. Aww.

And I don't think I've ever said that to anyone,

other than Ollie, and really meant that.

DOOR OPENS

Mum, I can't zip my costume up.

Yeah, I'm coming, love.

VOICE-Jen! What?

You have to promise me that you're not recording this.

I promise.

Jen! Promise me!

Open the fucking door!

I wouldn't!

I promise. I killed him. I promise.

Jen. I killed him. I promise.

Are you wearing my pants?

Put like, four pairs on the washing line, they're all gone.

It's so weird. They just keep vanishing.

You all right?

I'm so sorry to have to ask you this...

..but, for my own sanity...

What?

You didn't record me, did you?

Oh, come on, Nic.

I just... I just need to see your phone.

Are you joking?

No, I... For my own brain.

I don't know why you keep doing this to me. I know, I know,

but my brain will not stop going over and over... I told you...

Please, can I just see your phone? I don't understand why...

..why you don't trust me.

I do trust you. I do. I just...

I didn't record you, Nic.

If you didn't record me, just show me your phone.

Fine.

There. Take it.

Thank you.

WHITE NOISE BUILDS

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

It's OK. No, it's not OK.

I'm on your side. You are. I know you're on my side. Nic, I promise.

I mean, I don't know what more I can do to prove that to you.

You've got to work through this shit.

Nic, I...

I...I will help you, OK, in any way I can,

but I can't do it for you.

Yeah.

You're probably wondering why me and your father

wanted to have a chat with you.

No, I'm wondering why you're dressed like that.

Lucy texted me late last night saying I had to organise

my own costume, so I'm wearing a bin bag.

What about him? Why is he dressed like that?

Why ARE you dressed like that?

Well, I'm a peasant who's got the plague, aren't I?

What's your name?

HE EXHALES

Arthur.

How did you get the plague?

I got bit by a dog and...

What's your dog's name? Oh, come on.

Terrence. Terrence? Yeah.

I'm sorry, but this isn't about us, this is about you!

Can we...?

Shall I put it on? All right.

What is this?

CAT MEWS

Come on, then, greedy guts.

You've not been very good, have you?

You've destroyed the whole city.

Why...?

Why did you...? Why would you do that?

Let's get rid of you, then. CAT MEWS

TUMBLE DRYER BEEPS Three, two, one, blast off!

Oh, mate! Why would you...?

Why would you do that?

Why? God, no.

I don't know...

I just felt angry.

Angry about what?

I...

I don't want to say...

..cos you'll just fight again.

I'm sorry, I just feel like you're manipulating us!

Nic, hang on! No, he's smarter than that explanation.

It's like that fox that smokes the pipe

and wears the jacket in that thing.

Mate, just tell us.

Come on, tell us why you did that.

I understand what I did was very, very messed up.

Yeah.

I know but please understand that...

..like, I'm just human.

I make mistakes.

I made an awful mistake, a terrible mistake.

I hurt someone I honestly have never loved anything more

in my whole entire life.

And I know that you got...

You probably hate me... Oh... ..and if you do it's OK.

..gosh, mate...

I'm sorry, Dan... Dan, Dan,

can I just have a quick chat with you over there?

We don't hate you, mate.

I love you.

SOBBING CONTINUES

That speech there. Yeah?

He's just quoted Vanderpump Rules.

What?

That's exactly what Tom Sandoval says to Ariana at the reunion.

Are you joking?

Pretty much verbatim!

Right!

Are you a murderer? No, I'm not!

Do you get off on killing things? No, of course not!

Why did you kill him? For attention!

Will you do it again, do you think? No, I won't.

Where's Mr Miaowgi Two?

I honestly don't know.

Please check the tumble dryer if you don't believe me.

I don't believe you! Who are you?

I'm your son!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Ah, Lucy's ringing, we're going to be late.

This isn't over. I know.

This is half-time.

We're coming back to this, and we're getting to the bottom of it.

Understood? Understood.

Right, now go to your room! No, he needs to get in the car.

Go to the car!

All right, it's just I can't get...

Help him, for God's sake.

..any purchase to pull myself up.

This is awkward. Thank you, mate.

We are NOT mates! Get a move on! All right.

I cannot believe you would quote...

Ah, wait! You would quote Vanderpump Rules

and think I wouldn't twig!

Nobody knows Scandoval better than me.

Come on! Quickly, please!

All right, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done it.

Good afternoon, ladies and gents.

The witch trial begins at 3pm.

This is a reminder to place your bets on the dunking time

if you haven't already.

How long will the witch last under water?

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC INTENSIFIES

BOTH SCREAM

Oh. Shit, sorry. Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right! I've been tied to this tree for an hour

and I need a piss.

Yeah. sorry. I'm sorry about that.

We're just waiting for more people to show up.

Looks like people aren't really bothered about seeing this bit,

but they are all just coming to the dunking bit.

Which is sold out. Fucking brilliant!

There you are!

You all right?

No, I'm not all right! I need a piss and I've dropped my vape.

Where? And it's just... Where? ..there, look.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Thank you. It's all right.

Right. Well, you better give that back to me

cos you don't want it getting wet.

I can't, I nee...

I'm going to need this all of today.

Fine. Well, what else have you got? Your phone?

Shit, phone. Yeah?

Right boot. There it is, I've got it.

Thank you.

Holy mother of Mary, who is that?

Who?

Oh, Mr Woodbead.

He's the substitute PE teacher.

Father, thank you for your goodness to me.

You are a good, good Father, in Jesus' name.

Amen.

I'm sorry, can we just get this over with? Yeah.

I can't even feel my spine now.

Yes, yes. I will... I present you with the sack.

Sorry, what sack?

I thought you told her.

I thought YOU told her.

WHAT FUCKING SACK?!

SHRIEKING

I present to you...

..the slut!

BOOING

I welcome you all today to the trial of Goody Grindel.

You stand accused of witchcraft.

I'm s... Just a second.

Er, it's Mr Woodbead, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're the new PE teacher.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sorry, what are you doing after this finishes, are you...?

Do you want to come for a drink with me after this finishes or do

you have your wife to go home to,

or a girlfriend, a boyfriend, or friend with benefits?

Lucy! I'm sorry, that's me.

You have been seen naked under the light of the full moon

and your teats did drag across the gravel,

while two fat rats did suckle upon them.

Goody Fletcher!

Her smell is foul! Agreed.

I'm sorry, are you the mum who looks like Daniel Radcliffe

who's got a massive problem with me for no reason?

No.

I call upon her cat, Carbonel, to speak.

Since when did the cat speak?

Since you cursed him, fool!

I was but a humble inn keeper

until she darkened my doorstep.

Pray tell.

She drunk my tavern dry, proceeded to dance

amorously on the tables, displayed her pale bottom and pressed it

against the windows, to the passing eyes of travelling merchants.

That actually happened at Butlins

and they weren't travelling merchants, they were Redcoats.

Disgrace!

And when I told her to desist, she turned me into this...

..beast. My life hath become a mockery,

for whenced I try to buy my bread, the baker, he says, "Shoo, shoo!"

A woeful tale indeed.

I'm so sorry. I am going to have to go to the toilet.

Declined! Now to the box of grievance.

You see, Goody Grindel, they wish to remain anonymous,

for fear of thy hexation!

What does thou say to that?

I just don't really care.

Someone hath writ, "It would be nice

"if Nic responded to the mums' WhatsApp group,

"and also the cakes you made for the bake sale taste like badger arse."

I'm sor...

That is just personal, towards me, as a person.

Sorry, I think I got a bit confused about the rules.

This one reads, "I hate your clothes."

That's... This is just bullying now. Pass me another.

"Would it kill you to wash your coat? It stinks."

Who wrote that?!

Yeah. Sorry, that was me too.

Take your mask off. Why?

I think you know why, mate.

Silence, imp!

Stop shouting at Daniel Radcliffe! Oh...

Knew it! Kate, Kate, I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, Kate.

I think...

I think it's your haircut.

Sorry, Daniel, Hogwarts called.

They think you're a COW!

Who here finds the defendant guilty?!

Guilty! Guilty. Say aye!

Guilty!

Guilty!

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Mum...

Mum is it...?

It's the thing I saw...

Oh, my God. You see that too?

The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector.

NIC SCREAMS

Your child will inherit your soul...

Where did you see this, Ollie?

Passing my bedroom window.

What do you want?

I'm going to pass out.

What did you just say?

I can't breathe.

This mask, it's pushing my glasses into my eyeballs.

Jurgen?

Yeah.

I'm Jurgen.

Oh, my God, it's been you this whole time? What...?

What were you doing? Practising for this witch thing?

What witch thing?

I...

I have never seen him before, I thought he was with you.

Sorry, why ARE you wearing that?

None of your business, nosy.

What?

Nothing.

No, go on.

No, I don't know...

No, go on! No, no, no, I don't want to upset you.

Yeah. What, why?

Just you've dropped the accent a couple of times.

I'm Dutch.

I'm... I'm definitely Dutch.

Ask me anything about the Dutch, I'll tell you about the Dutch.

What's "hello" in Dutch?

Don't you know?

No, I'm asking you.

Where ARE you from? Dutch.

Where are you from?

Tiverton. Yeah.

Ollie's birthday?

No.

What year did the Spice Girls release Wannabe?

1996.

PHONE CHIMES, SHE CHUCKLES

Classic Nic.

At certain frequencies, you can

hear the sound of grass screaming as you mow it.

Be present with your plants.

Connect with them.

Ask them a question.

Do you...?

..come here often?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Are you ready to tell me the truth? What did you say to Nic?

What did you say to Nic last night to get her in that state, Suzie?

Who is this? Is this Jen?

Look, I... I know that you need this to be all Nic's fault.

But I think you need to remind yourself, Suzie,

that shagging Nic was one thing,

but telling her that he loved her, that was a fucking choice.

How dare you?

You need to back the fuck off, OK?

Just leave us alone.

Put Nic on the phone.

I can't.

She's about to be dunked.

LINE DISCONNECTS

Bitch!

Not you.

Right, sorry, sack time.

Lucy's orders.

Look, don't worry cos I've left a hole in the middle there

so you can vape still, look.

All right, so let's just do it last minute then, shall we? Thank you.

Ollie was great back there, wasn't he?

He gets it all from you.

The good stuff, the funny stuff.

Not the cat murdering psychopathic stuff...

..which is something we've got to do something about.

Cos I don't even want to think about what he might do next.

Cat's one thing, but there's a whole alpaca farm up the road and....

Look, despite how I feel about you,

and all this shit...

..Ollie still needs you.

So it's really important to me to know

that you're not going to do anything stupid.

Oh, fuck! Please, Nic.

Do you know what the horrible thing is?

And I can't even believe I'm saying this out loud, but...

..I really resent Ollie and I

really resent how much I fucking love him,

because I can't just opt out.

And that's the only thing I want to do right now,

is just check out, and I can't.

And I won't, because of him.

And I look at you and how you are with him,

and it's so effortless and I can't...

I struggle.

And I just...

I don't know. In all honesty I just think I should never have...

..I don't know, been a mum.

I don't know, you're probably right.

And as nice as it is that you've finally got a little bit

of self-awareness, I think you're being a little bit hard on yourself.

TWIG SNAPS

Oh! Hmm.

Ohhh! OK.

It's bag time, witchy.

What am I going to do? I...

Well, we'll figure it out, won't we?

No, I... I can't swim.

Oh, look - there's Mum!

This is utter madness.

Proud of you, Mum!

Your mum CAN swim, can't she?

Um, well she nearly drowned in a hot tub at Center Parcs,

but she'd had two bottles of rose so...

My precious young ones, are you ready?

Dunk her! Dunk her! Dunk her!

Dunk her! Dunk her! Dunk her!

Why are YOU chanting? What? It's... It's infectious.

I can't help it.

Hooray!

Yes! Hold her down till the bubbles stop!

Right, just stop it now, OK?

You've all had your fun!! That's enough.

Awww!

All right, then, OK, bring in the St John's Ambulance.

Do you think it might be the PlayStation that's...

No, the PS has got nothing to do with it.

The PlayStation plugs into the HDMI.

Yeah, I can categorically tell you that the PS has got nothing

to do with the Sky box. Nothing.

Do you want a beer? I've got some 8% ones?

Yeah. You saying that the PlayStation has fucked the Sky box

is like Dan insisting that Marilyn Manson

played the nerd in The Wonder Years,

or that Prince had three ribs removed

so he could suck himself off.

It's ridiculous and I can't debate it any more.

It's exhausting, OK?

Did you want the beer?

Are they cold?

Yeah. Then yeah.

I'm sorry...

Let's not fight. We weren't fighting.

Ooh! SHE CHUCKLES

Did you ask work about that week off?

Alex?

Alex! Yeah, it's not going to work.

What?! Why?

It's just too busy. I can't just drop them in it, can I?

But it's only a week. Yeah, and I said I'd ask and I did,

and I can't. Well did you tell them how lucky we are

to even get seen by them?

Why don't you go?

On my own?! Yeah.

You need to be there!

It's not like I can take a cup of your spunk.

What do you want me to do?

Take the time off!

I can't just take the time off, Suze, I'm an area manager!

For Frankie and Benny's! HE CHUCKLES WRYLY

OK, I...

I didn't... I've been sleeping with Nic.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN, KNOCKING

Hello? Hello?

Oop. All right?

Door was open.

I... I hear the PlayStation's fucked the Sky box.

Fucking hell!

No need to get upset, nothing I can't fix.

Ho-ho! Well, you won't be the first, you won't be the last.

Suze, do you want to...

Stranger things have happened, like.

Yeah, I've seen a toddler chew through a broadband cable.

Anything can happen, like.

What I'm trying to say, like, is that nothing fazes me, like.

You know, the last place I was at, you know,

a great big stately old home, like.

You know, Toad Of Toad Hall answers the door.

More money than sense, like.

And get this, I pulls back the Chesterfield,

dead Alsatian lying on a load of old copies of News Of The World.

Imagine how long it had been decaying there, like.

Oh, my God!

I know! Since you could buy a copy of the News Of The World.

HE CHUCKLES

Here, could I use your pisser? I'm busting.

It's the first on the right. Cheers, like.

You're welcome, like.

Suze, I didn't mean to just...

Don't come near me.

You are disgusting.

Since when?

Since that weekend at Longleat?

No. You are fucking disgusting!

Does she think you love her? HE CHUCKLES

Of course she does...

You don't love her?

Oh, do you love her?

Why aren't you saying anything?

Why aren't you saying anything?!

I don't know.

NEAR—Why aren't you fucking saying anything?

TOILET FLUSHES

WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING?! I DON'T KNOW!

I DON'T KNOW!

Don't worry.

I've heard it all, like.

Only the other day I walked in on an argument between a husband

and wife because she caught him bollocks deep in the Sunday chicken.

Yeah, she walked in on him shagging it on the kitchen table.

He'd even put a thong on it.

Ooh!

If that's what you like, like.

Oh...

So...

So where's this Sky box, then?

Oh, my hero!

Mm...

Oh, you're frozen.

Oh, God, you're soaked.

Can't feel my balls. Right.

Let's get you out of those wet clothes

and put them in the washing machine.

I can't believe you did that for me.

Well, you wouldn't have survived it out-and-out.

I was being waterboarded.

I was seeing white and everything.

HE SHIVERS

SHE LAUGHS

What? What?

Oh, you just...

..turn me on a little bit in those boots.

Oh, dear.

You're a fine girl.

Aw! You look fit.

You're giving me the 'orn.

Am I? Yeah. Oh, my God, are you Danny Dyer?

Yeah, I am, yeah. TV's Danny Dyer?

TV's Danny Dyer. I can't wait to see your fanny.

You're well fit, I've always fancied you.

You know, I know Wayne Lineker. Do ya?

Will you introduce me?

Get you into Ocean Beach for free? I'd love that.

Oh, my God. You're actually into this, aren't you?

A little bit, yeah. CAT MEOWS

Oh. Hang on. I'm not having that.

Well, at least the cat's back.

Which means Ollie's not a psychopath, I suppose.

We're good, right?

PHONE RINGS

God's sake, why isn't she answering?

Mum all right?

Um... Yeah.

Yeah, I'm sure she's fine.

I really hope someone's untied her from that dunking chair.

Lucy! Oh, Jen, great timing.

Just wondering, have you got any condoms?

What? No, I haven't got any condoms. OK, never mind.

Listen, did you give Nic her phone back? I'm really...

Play it again. All right. One more time, though, yeah?

It's gonna kill me battery. OK, cool.

CHEERING, THEY LAUGH

We should put this on the big screen at school, like Mum made me do

for her at that memorial. What?

OK, so what you're gonna do is you're going to connect

it to this Bluetooth device,

and then when the phone alarm goes

off, you look at me,

wait for my signal, and then press play.

Maybe I should... She's fine.

Um...

What is she doing?

She's making it all about her, as usual.

OK. She's not fine. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

OK, everybody!

OK...

Who else is sick of old people?

What do they even do?

SHE LAUGHS

All they do, they drain the NHS of their resources...

ALARM FROM PHONE

..buy things out of catalogues.

No?

Old...people are really good.

BLUETOOTH CONNECTION TONE

The one thing I'm lacking in my life...

Oh, my God.

..is, like, real intense kind of passion...

Jen?

Harry!

beat down low