Original subtitles

Lacking intense passion....

Jen. Harry!

Why are you recording my mum? I just...

You've got nowhere to go, have you? No.

I'd never cheat on you, not in a million years.

Let alone with a family member.

I'm so sorry.

I need you right now, cos I've got nowhere else to stay.

My biggest worry is that Dad's going to get his roller skates out again.

He always does that when he's in a crisis.

I think we both have to promise each other now that we're never

going to talk about this ever again.

Leave a message.

Call me as soon as you get this.

You're not weeing in there, are you?

Would that be a problem?

Never mind.

BUZZER SOUNDS

Hi, Jess.

It's Jen.

Jed.

Jen.

Oh, Jen!

I was going to say Jed.

Sorry, we're in a bit of a rush so... Oh, right.

I won't keep you too long.

Just, erm, I've got to do a quick inspection. What, now?

Yes, I'm afraid so.

Well, aren't you supposed to call me first? Not for spot checks.

We just need to make sure you're keeping to the terms

of your agreement.

Is someone in that shower?

You know your agreement is only for you and your son.

Nobody else should be staying here.

Yeah, it was just one night.

Sorry.

No way.

Is that Nic?

Nic Parker?

Uh... Rachel.

Rachel Turner? We sat next to each other in assembly.

Oh, God, yes!

Rachel, of course.

Are you still going out with Jamie Houston?

Oh. No, that ended!

No way. When?

Oh...

I think when we both turned six.

No way.

Why?

I can't remember.

Did he dump you?

Oh, God. Don't know.

He did, yeah.

Did he? Yeah, he did.

Do you know why? No. Why?

Because you brought in an egg sandwich that stank like

10,000 pigs all shitting at once.

You'll never get him back.

Never.

There's literally nothing you could ever do for him to take you back.

You and your egg sandwiches make him want to barf.

You married him, I presume?

Just a bit, yeah. Right...

We talk about you often over red wine.

And we laugh, and we laugh,

and we fucking laugh!

So, that's, uh, the...

..spot check all all right, then?

I'll be in touch.

Oh, erm...

PHONE CAMERA CLICKS Oh.

Uh....

I don't remember her at all.

Let's begin

Let me hear some noise

Jump, rejoice

A party over there

Shake your derriere

getting busy

Hit me

What is he doing?

Dad! Hey!

What you reckon?

Yeah, it's time for school.

Sure. School's cool.

But I was thinking afterwards, maybe we could hit the skate park.

Try out a few...glides.

Few hand plants.

Few fakies, few elephant dumps, few Hail Marys.

Few switches, nollies, whatever.

Keep it simple, just some grabs.

Sound good?

Home back afterwards with a Slush Puppy. What do you reckon?

I want to go to school, that's what I reckon.

OK, well, please, can you just watch this first? Cos...

Can you turn this music down?

I've had a spirit trying to warn me about a possible

terror attack in the village. I can't hear a word they're saying.

I didn't know you were coming today, Viv.

No, well, I wasn't supposed to, but, erm...

..I told Nic I'd pick up some of her clothes.

What clothes?

Like...sexy stuff?

No, just her... Just her flouncy stuff.

Well, what does that mean?

Like, what, is she going on some dates?

It's barely been 24 hours since you, you know,

kicked her out of the house. No.

You know what she's like. I mean, I wouldn't put anything past her.

MUSIC CUTS There you go - off.

Anyway, why can't she get her own clothes?

Well, Viv's here now, isn't she?

Viv, you know where everything is, don't you? Yeah, yeah.

You all right? You want some help?

No, I'm fine. No? You look after yourself, mate.

Cool. Right, I will.

See you later, Viv. Yeah, see you, Ols. See you later.

Ols? Yeah.

Ollie, innit?

Yeah, Ollie to you.

Ols to me.

If anything, Ols to me, and Ollie to you. You know, it's not....

Yeah.

It's Ollie. It's Ollie. All right? Ollie.

All right, Ols. THEY LAUGH

What did he look like?

Who? Your old school boyfriend.

Jamie? Yeah.

Oh... I don't know.

Sort of suave for a six-year-old.

NIC SIGHS

What? I want to talk about it.

Uh, OK... You...you go in.

Quickly.

Why did you record me?

You sounded so...

..trapped and miserable, and...

I wanted to show it to you.

So that you could see that...that...

you don't have to live like that, Nic. No-one does.

You said that you'd never recorded me.

You've never recorded me, have you?

Why would I do that?

You're different. I would never do that to you.

No. No, I didn't. Yes, you did.

No, I didn't. You did!

Nic, I...I swear to God, I didn't, OK?

Come on. Mate, I love you.

I wouldn't lie about something like that.

Nic!

Maybe you didn't...

Nic, are you OK? No.

I just feel like I'm going mad.

Yeah, well, I'm not fucking surprised. You've been through hell.

I can't think straight. I just...

..keep having these horrible... PHONE RINGS

Shit. I'm...I'm so sorry. I need to take this.

Hi, Rachel!

Farty sandwiches.

OK, I'm going to go see Ollie. Yeah.

I promise you, Nic - she's not a permanent resident.

I don't know why we couldn't just drive.

Well, cos I'm trying to build up my muscle memory, aren't I?

So I need to put in all the hours I can get.

Yeah, Dad, you've been skating since 6am.

I mean, I'm the one that had to placate Malcolm,

who came banging on the door saying that the music was too loud.

Apparently, it was so loud that a blue tit from his bird table

flew into the pizza oven that was still hot from the night before.

Oh, shit! Ugh!

Oh! Oh, no.

Ah... Oh, gosh.

Ow...!

Dad, you all right?

DAN GROANS You OK? I'm sorry.

It's OK, it's OK.

No, cos it's not fair, is it? I'm making you late for school.

At least Mum got you there on time.

Well, you say that...

..but she didn't.

Really?

Yeah.

Mum didn't even walk me all the way to school.

She used to just stop at that hedge back there, and just say,

"Don't tell your dad."

Well, that's just another thing she was keeping

from me, though, isn't it?

DAN SOBS QUIETLY

Dad? Yeah.

Do you think we'll be like this now?

Like, forever?

Oh...

I don't know, mate. It's complicated, isn't it, you know?

Right. Oh...

Want help getting up?

No, no. I'm...I'm good.

Right, ready? Will you give me a backie?

Go on, then.

Go.

Thank you. This is it. I love you.

I love you too, Dad.

We're going to do this. Hard right. Sharp right.

Mum.

Mum. Oh, God. It's you.

Just ignore them, especially Daniel Radcliffe.

Lucy told everyone?

Everyone, yeah.

Where were you staying last night?

I stayed at Jen's. Jen's?!

Sorry.

What about the video?

Look...it's fine, OK?

I promise you, it's all sorted.

It's actually more complicated than you know.

Do you trust her?

I do, yeah.

With my life, actually.

And she's the only adult that doesn't hate my guts right now.

I'm starting to understand how Kim Woodburn feels.

It's horrible.

Are you picking me up tonight? Oh, not tonight, mate.

I think it's Dad tonight.

Right.

Are you walking me to school tomorrow?

Yeah. Yeah? Yeah. All right.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS Perfect. It's a date!

Cool, it's a date. Lovely. All right.

Love you.

"Go away, you adulterer!"

OLLIE GASPS

No, no, no, that wasn't meant at you.

I was doing the, uh, the Kim Woodburn meme, when she...

You know, when she snaps at Jamie O'Hara on Celeb Big Brother?

Bad timing. A little bit.

Yeah. Yeah, bad timing.

Oh, dear God...

I know this probably isn't a good time.

But the PTA are on my back about this charity witch trial,

and I need to put your name down...

Fuck off, Lucy. Absolutely. Fucking off.

So, are you OK if I put your name down for the witch?

Fuck off, Lucy. Understood.

And are you OK if I put your name down to play... Fuck off, Lucy.

OK. Fab! See you both there.

Excuse me.

NIC SCOFFS

What?

I need to get past.

Skate round.

Why should I?

Huh.

Pathetic. YOU'RE pathetic.

YOU are. YOU are.

Look, I promise, she's not interested in stealing Jamie back!

Hello? DISCONNECTED TONE

Are you all right, mate?

Can we just go back to yours and watch that episode of

Four in the Bed where the couple puts nothing in the envelope?

Erm, yeah. Thing is, about that, it's just that, erm...

I... We...

I, technically, don't, uh, have a home any more, according to Rachel.

Is she kicking you out? Yeah, don't...

Don't panic, don't worry. I'm going to sort it.

Why don't you...? Uh, why don't you...?

Uh, you had some clothes to get from Viv's, didn't you?

Is she kicking you out cos of me? No.

Is it cos of Jamie and my farty sandwiches?

God, no! No?

No.

I love you. Aw.

Love you, too.

Thank you for lying to me.

Oh, of course. Yeah, always.

KNOCK ON GLASS

Oh, hello, friend.

Sorry, erm...

Is Viv in? I came to pick up my clothes.

She's not here right now.

Well, she is here, but she's astral projecting, so her soul's not in.

Are you the one that fornicated with your brother-in-law?

I'm sorry. Who the fuck are you?

I'm Jurgen, Viv's lodger, and owner of Rasputin IT Solutions.

If you've got anything naughty on your hard drive...

..I'm the guy that can get it wiped.

You have penis pictures on there, I presume, of your brother-in-law?

No. I just want my clothes.

Ooh. Uh, I...

Can I interest you in a friendship, then? No.

May I interest you in a psychic reading, then?

Shuffle, shuffle, shuffle.

Are you OK?

You bit of a grump?

No?

Viv has been training me in channelling.

Yesterday, I very nearly channelled a crusty old king.

Oh.

The Pringles you have over here are crazy, no?

I don't know whether it's the size of the tube, or....

I'm so sorry. Can we just get on with this, please? Yes, OK.

Very good. Good start.

OK, now we're cooking.

The fool. Still good.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean, uh-oh?

The Skellis.

OK, the Skellis is like a very well-known ancient demon in...

in the Dutch folk world.

What does that mean? Well, I show you, stupid.

Stupid?

Ah, Skellis.

OK.

The Skellis is like the devil's debt collector.

Any unpunished sin the person may commit is passed on

to the daughter or the son. Erm...

You pulling this card means that, uh...

..uh, your child will inherit your sins.

Do...do you have child??

Yeah, a son. Why? OK.

He will inherit your adulterous ways...

..tenfold!

But, look, you have nothing to worry about. Really?

Yeah. If adultery is your only sin, it just means that your son will

grow up to be a bit of a little bit of a...

Oh, how do you say this? Uh, uh...

A fuck boy. But that's OK.

You only really need to start to worry if the sin you have committed

is, like, murder or something, because that would be very bad.

And that would be bad because?

Because your son will inherit your murderous ways tenfold.

Then he'll probably grow up to be a serial killer

and collect people's...

I don't know the English for this,

but in Holland we call them yibs yibs.

And then, the Skellis will come

and drag both your souls to the gates of hell,

and you'll probably have to spend the rest of eternity there.

But, uh, like I say, you have nothing to worry about, so...

Are you busy later?

Do you want to hang out and do some drawing?

Where are my clothes?

Ah! There's some crazy ass dragon fruit in the kitchen we could draw.

Yeah, I just want my clothes.

And my handbag.

Are those my pants?

Oh, whoopsie.

Must have fallen there by accident.

Uh, they're very comfortable.

Oh, F&F.

Can I keep them? Bye. OK.

DOOR SHUTS

Don't take it so personally, Jurgen.

Don't ever let it stop you from being kind, Jurgen.

Tea and cakes are specifically between 10 and 12pm,

and SHE is refusing to leave.

But I haven't finished my tea yet, darling!

That's not tea. That's sherry!

You broke into my liquor cabinet!

Did I tell you she broke into my liquor cabinet?

And she's started helping herself to my drinks trolley!

I want you to leave.

I will in a minute, darling.

She's drunk, Katya. She's drunk as a skunk.

You need to leave, you old bugger!

Yes, I will, darling.

Just give me a minute, darling. I shan't.

I shan't give you a minute.

I was talking about my grandson,

and she started doing...

SHE EXAGGERATES YAWN

Well, he's... He's so boring, darling.

And then she went to take one of my scones,

and when she went to pick it up, she did this...

..as if to imply that it was heavy.

But you put too much flour in, darling.

I did tell you, darling.

Out!

Let me get one for the road, eh, darling?

Mrs Baggott...about that caravan?

Hmm? Hmm?

Caravan. Here we go.

Oh. Yes?

You said that you would show me the caravan.

Yes?

Will you show me the caravan? Yes, yes.

BOTTLES CLINK

Will you show it to me now?

Yes.

Great.

LIQUID SLOSHES

Right. All sorted!

Right.

How much she want for it?

Nothing.

I mean, I'll do a bit of cleaning for her.

And then, she said something about listening to her...

..read her old diaries, or something.

But it'll be fine!

And it's only temporary.

DOOR OPENS

Right.

After you.

There we go.

Look at this!

Right, well...

NIC SNIFFS

Just needs a bit of a tidy.

I mean, I know... I know it's a bit small.

But, uh, it's, uh...

..it's better than nothing, right?

It's got this lovely little hob situation here.

Look. This, as well.

I think that this pulls all the way out into a bed,

so I've just got to move this, then I just have to...

Come and help me, please! All right.

It's stuck, isn't it? Come on!

Right, one, two, three.

THEY STRAIN

I can't!

It's just as calcified as her! Look, it's-it's fine.

It just... We'll just have a couple more goes, and it'll be...

It'll be fine. I just cannot fucking believe

I've sunken so low in my life. This isn't low!

This is purgatory! It's like rustic living.

It's fine, we just...

Look, I tell you what, I've... I've confiscated some stuff

from Daphne. Do you want to see what I've got?

Please say it's alcohol. Yeah, bingo. Is it?

I have got a tiny little bottle of Babycham.

OK.

Or quite a lot of cooking sherry.

Or, this one is...

..ooh, a 1979 bottle of port.

Yes. Yeah.

Yes, I believe...

..we will start with the port.

That'll desensitise us...

..to the disgusting stuff.

Trouble by Shampoo

Yes to the good life!

Happy about that. Yeah!

Oh, shit. Fuck.

You're not my mother!

Yes, I am!

Why, hello!

You can't park there, mate!

You're a wizard, Harry!

We're the guardians, very old style!

Do-do-do!

DOORBELL RINGS Bestie fuck-boy!

Get out now!

Look at this guy.

He's the dad.

He's bracky as hell.

But he's still kind of fly.

Hedgehog, hedgehog sniffing around.

Sniffing all round all over this town!

Oh-oh! Oh, look at you.

The King!

Hello!

Don't film this.

I've just... I'll just have another drink. I'll be all right.

Sorry about that.

RUSHING LIQUID

Christ, you piss like a donkey.

What?

I said, "You piss like a..."

FRENZIED MUSIC

NIC SCREAMS

Eh? Oh, what is it? NIC CONTINUES SCREAMING

He was just here! What...

What was?

Oh... Oh, mate.

Oh, it's such... Oh, what is it?

Well, it's just such a fucking mess!

What is it?

NIC SOBS Yeah, OK.

It is a mess, at the minute, but, you know,

the worst of it's out now.

What am I doing? I shouldn't be here -

I should be at home with Ollie. I just...

He's fine.

No, he's not fine.

He's fucking...

Mr Miaowgi... You don't know!

Kids...experiment.

Him killing the cat has got nothing to do with what you did.

He's just using it as... What?

What?

I never told you that Ollie killed the cat.

What if I did something really bad?

Even then.

You don't even know what it is yet.

I think I already know.

You killed Mr Miaowgi on purpose, didn't you?

CLATTERING

Yes, you did.

You did, Nic.

I must've done.

I'm so confused.

I don't trust myself. Aw... Oh, hey, hey, hey,

don't get upset, please.

Hey, look. Look.

Look. We've got one more bottle on us, yeah?

Oh, no, no, mate. I've had enough. Come on. I can't.

Yeah. A little swig of this, you'll feel much better.

Come on, a tiny little sip.

That's it.

Thank you.

I love you.

I love you too.

I love you more.

No, you don't.

I love you more.

So, so much more.

Mum, Mum...

Mum!

Oh.

I knew it.

You're homeless, aren't you?

Oh, no. Love, I'm fine.

I promise. I was just, erm...

God, where am I?

I was waiting here because I knew that you would walk past

and I thought, "Oh, I tell you what, I'll...

"..I'll take him to school."

Come on, then. We don't want to be late.

Right.

What?

School's finished, Mum.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I am.

Oh, my God, what's the time?

Oh.

Oh, God. It's four o'clock!

God.

I knew it. You're...

You're like... Please don't say it.

Please don't say it.

You're like weirdy beardy marrow baby lady.

You are.

Well, where's Jen?

No idea.

Oh, she's messaged me.

"Where the hell are you?

"You ran away.

"I was worried.

"If I don't hear from you I'm going to call the police."

Oh, Jesus!

Don't look at me like that.

Please don't look at me like that.

I... I just...

I just had to have a blowout.

When you're an adult, you'll understand.

OK.

Can I walk you home?

Please. Yeah.

Come on. Come on, then.

Oh... You know, I had to throw a stone at a dog earlier

to stop it weeing on you. I love dogs!

Oh, can we just not talk about that?

Let's talk about... I don't know. What did you do at school today?

You got any homework?

Don't know. Let's have a look.

That's not science or maths or geography...

I hate geography! Yeah...

Ooh, art!

DRAMATIC OMINOUS MUSIC

Ollie? Hmm?

What is this?

It's a drawing I did.

Your son will inherit your murderous ways. Tenfold.

Then he'll probably grow up to be a serial killer.

Why did you draw this?

I don't know. Where have you seen this, Ollie?

I don't know!

It was in a dream, I think.

It walked past my bedroom window.

When can you come home?

I mean...

..I just want my family back.

You know, I don't...

I don't understand why you can't just try.

Oh.

Please, can you just try, Mum?

For me.

Oh, darling.

You all right?

Yeah.

When you sent me that message, it got my hopes up.

I thought it might be a booty call.

Oh, it suits you.

I'm dead happy for you

No, you're not.

You're right. I'm not.

He's fucked off, by the way.

Shane?

Yeah.

Prick. Yeah.

Massive prick.

So a shag could still be on cards, then?

That were a joke!

This is going to sound so fucked, but... What?

I really worry that there's going to be something wrong with the baby.

Why? Has the doctor said something?

No.

I just feel like God's going to punish me.

What for?

For not saying anything.

About what?

You know what.

Look, the way I see it,

we didn't do anything.

Yeah, but she did.

I can't believe we didn't say anything.

Why didn't we say anything?

Because your dad's a psycho,

and if he knew that you were out with me

he'd have cut my clackers off.

If I went to the police,

would you come with me?

Fucking hell. What would we say?

I mean, can you even remember what she looks like?

Cos, to me, she's a mix between, like,

the woman from The Handmaid's Tale and Gemma Collins.

I mean, she could be anywhere.

We've not even seen her since that night.

I think I've found her.

How do you even know that's her, like?

Because she's still wearing the same minging coat.

Trouble by Shampoo

it's burst our bubble

on the next space shuttle

it's burst our bubble