Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

You all right, Dad? You all right, mate? Am I a bad mum? No!

I've had that level of connection with a guy called Alex.

It was an affair that was going on for years and years.

I don't want Suzie, I want you.

Suze...

Why were you there that night?

Do you think there's something special about you, Nic?

I mean, fucking come on.

When you used to hang out with him, you made me so uncomfortable.

This is actually my brother's memorial.

Nic. Oh, my God.

Why don't you come up here and share something?

Er...

The last time I saw Alex....

Stop the train!

DISTORTED SHOUTING

You philistine!

Something doesn't feel right!

SCREAMING

CAR DOORS SLAM

Look at my tooth, Nic!

Look at it!

Everything all right, love? Just drive!

Nic! Are you going to just leave your son?!

Of course you are!

Unbelievable!

All dressed up. What was it, a wedding?

No, a memorial.

Oh, God. Sorry, sorry.

Anyone important?

Brother-in-law.

Oh, not that important, then.

I was shagging him.

Not at the memorial, I hope.

That'd be messed up, wouldn't it? That'd create a buzz.

Sorry, that was...

..that was insensitive.

Sorry about that.

Everyone found out.

There was a big fight.

Ah, my metacarpal, you buffoon!

That was totally inappropriate. You stupid slag!

HE SOBS

Someone lost a tooth.

Then they thought they found it, but it was just an Airwaves.

My son had a seizure.

What hospital?

What? What hospital is he at? The Royal?

Do you want to get to the Royal, yeah? No, no hospital.

He's back there, just... You've left him back there?

Yeah. Oh, nice.

Well, it's good mother as well.

Having affairs, treating your kid like a piece of crap.

I never wanted it to come out like this.

Not at his fucking memorial.

Oh, my son.

The look on his face.

I'm so sorry.

Where are we going?

I don't know.

Just drive.

Nice one, dispatch.

Shut in the car with this absolute lunatic.

How's your hand?

I mean, I'm st...

I'm struggling to pick up thin things, like biros, but...

Any news on Ollie?

The nurses have run tests, they've come back normal, so...

SHE SIGHS

I just don't understand why he'd do that to me.

Nic I get, you know? She's a self-absorbed child, but...

..him?

Like...

OK, Nic and I, we weren't perfect, we had our fair share of problems.

And I told him stuff but now I'm thinking,

did he just think that was me giving him a hall pass on my wife?

Like, did he hate me that much?

Or...

Or did he actually love Nic?

He definitely wasn't in love with her.

No, he wasn't! He couldn't have been!

She's not even his type.

He doesn't like funny women.

Especially unfunny women who think they're funny.

I thought he loved me.

He did.

He definitely did.

What am I going to do?

I think you're a slag.

Who doesn't?

There's a place in hell reserved for people like you.

You murdered him.

Ah!

Oh, my God! PHONE CHIMES

Sorry, you talking to me?

What?

You talking to me?

Yeah, who were you talking to?

Wildlife Sanctuary.

Found a little blind crow last week, took him in there.

This bitch on the phone is just telling me,

"Right, they've euthanised him,"

because they don't think he's got any quality of life.

Unbelievable.

Do you know how much Pro Plus I snorted over that 72 hours

just trying to keep him alive, feeding him with a little pipette?

It was insane.

By the end, I was just seeing triangles, I was hallucinating.

There's this geezer in America, he's a lorry driver on YouTube, right?

He's got a little crow that he has riding shotgun with him.

He's taught the crow to scroll through Spotify

and pick songs for him, it's beautiful.

If you see it, it's incredible what this crow does.

That's what I wanted for me and Dean.

That's what I called him, Dean.

Never got to take him to Thorpe Park.

Promised him that, I said, "I'll take you to Thorpe Park, mate.

"When you're better, I'll take you to Thorpe Park."

He'd have loved that.

Who wouldn't love Thorpe Park? It's a right laugh.

Oh, I've shared my wife's fanny with my brother.

Oh! We spent a night in a Travelodge for the United away game

and he got funny about sharing my toothbrush.

I mean, what the fuck was that about?

Doesn't make any sense!

I just had no idea.

No idea.

No inkling, no sniff, no whiff.

Did you? I didn't either.

For all we know, he could've just been pissed one night,

just bent her over the clothes horse in the utility room

and she's made it out like it's The fucking Notebook.

I spent the whole of last night adapting that glove box

so it's got a little retractable perch that comes out,

so he could just sit there next to me.

I'd have a bit of company.

16 quid that bit of doweling cost me.

16 quid, because you've got to buy it by the metre.

Oh. That's the world that we're living in now, innit?

It's like this bitch on the phone.

Who is she to judge?

What's she even saying? No quality of life?

The mean old whore.

What, because he's blind he's got no quality of life?

What about Stevie Wonder? He's blind.

He's had an amazing life, he's written incredible fucking songs,

he's travelled the world, mate!

Who is she to judge?!

Got a whole playlist here that I've made for me and him.

Bangers after bangers, great tunes. He loved this song.

Love Roller Coaster by The Ohio Players

Er...

You're on the wrong side of the road.

I know I am.

Oh, right.

Sorry, can I just ask why?

Why? Why?

Good question, that.

Why is that little crow born blind?

Why is the receptionist in the wildlife sanctuary

such a fucking slag?!

Why is the world so cruel?

Why, why, why anything?!

THEY SCREAM

I have a son!

So did I!

No, but I have a real son!

So did I!

SCREAMING CONTINUES

THUD

Wow, wow, wow

You hit a pheasant.

Ugh! HORN TOOTS

Why?! Why?!

Oh, is he all right?

Yes, we discharged him an hour ago.

What? Where is he?

He's up there, trying to get a Twix from a vending machine.

Get out now!

Do you want some Discos? No!

Does Suze want some Discos? Get out now!

All right, I'm just going to get some Discos.

You don't think she's going to kill herself?

Nic?

No. No, she's far too much of a narcissist.

I mean, she'll end up doing something stupid like getting pissed

and maxing out my...

What, you're not calling her, are you?

No, I'm going to cancel my credit cards.

Fuck's sake! It's fine, I've got the Discos!

RELIEVED SIGH

SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

OK, OK.

Declined.

Gah! Please, can you just try one more time?

No.

Why?

Just no.

Oh, come on, Dan, pick up the phone.

Hi, this used to be Nic and Dan,

but now it's just Dan, as Nic shagged my brother

and abandoned our son... You get it, don't you?

Nic! Can someone tell me where Nic is, please?!

Nobody here seems to have a sense of humour. Nic!

Where is she, where is she? If I know...

Oh, God.

Has anyone seen Nic?

SNIFFS AND GASPS

DOOR RATTLES Mum, I know you're in there.

Please don't do anything stupid.

How did you know I was in here?

I walked past the cloakroom earlier and I heard a fart.

Dammit!

Ollie...

..did you, erm...

..know about...

..Uncle Alex and me?

No.

Don't lie to me, mate.

OK, yeah. SHE SIGHS

Do we think this is one of those things where...

..like, I've emotionally damaged you forever

and you're going to end up in Alcatraz?

No.

I don't think it's anything a couple of therapy sessions won't fix.

And Alcatraz is shut down, so.

Thank God.

Please don't do anything stupid.

I need you.

Oh, my darling, I promise I won't.

Do you still love me?

Oh!

Oh, my God, Ollie.

You don't ever, ever have to question that.

Never!

What if I did something really bad?

Even then.

You don't even know what it is yet.

I think I already know.

How?

Because mums know everything.

You killed Mr Miaowgi on purpose, didn't you?

CLATTERING

Were you going to run away with him?

And leave me behind?

Oh, God.

Yeah. Sons know everything too.

I promise you, I'm not going anywhere.

Isn't that what Ben Affleck said to J.Lo before he dumped her?

Yeah, but I actually mean it.

Is there anything that you're really worried about

that you want to tell me out loud?

Anything?

My biggest worry...

..is that Dad's going to get his roller skates out again.

He always does that when he's in a crisis.

Yeah, I mean, that's not what I meant,

but I understand why that would be a big concern.

What's going on?! Everyone's looking for you.

Oh, God.

Ugh.

Do you think that you could possibly...?

Go downstairs and fake a seizure to distract everyone?

Oh, God, you really do take after me.

I love you.

Ollie?

THUD AND PEOPLE GASP

Oh, my God! Someone call an ambulance!

Nic, if you're listening, you've ruined our son's life.

You just threw your phone on the floor.

I know.

That's a bit silly. Silly goose.

No luck with your friend, no?

No. Sometimes that's just the way things go.

I know. I know what it's like to have no dough.

I'm sorry, are you rhyming on purpose?

Yeah, just felt like the right thing to do.

To go with the flow.

Where will you go?

I don't know.

You're not going to get raped, are you?

Are yo...? That doesn't work.

And, no, I'm not usually their type.

Fuck it. You can have room 301.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

Yeah, you remind me of my mum, and that's not a compliment.

Oh! Thank you so much.

A business guy used it for an hour to do a Zoom, you know?

Paid for the night but checked out this afternoon.

He's not going to come back, no?

No, he might have had a wank in there...

..but he's not coming back. Thank you.

Nah, no worries. Asher.

Amazing. Oh, my God.

Sorry, it's 30...? 301.

Literally just go in that lift right there.

This one? It's that lift. Third floor?

Yeah, because it starts with three, so...

Tell me, are we rolling?

Hi, I'm Jo Ellen Goldstein,

reporting from Alcatraz penitentiary,

home to Ollie Harris, the most notorious convicted serial killer.

His murder spree started with the cold-blooded killing

of well-loved public figure Mr Miaowgi.

The world was outraged and appalled

to hear of Mr Miaowgi's gruesome murder,

but rejoiced today when the judge sentenced him

to 999 consecutive life sentences.

Do you think that justice has been served?

Oh, many times over.

He got coming what he deserves.

The judge's ruling broke a world record,

topping the chart for any serial killer ever.

On behalf of the World Record Federation,

we congratulate you on being the world's best serial killer.

Do you have any last words, Ollie?

Yeah. I want to dedicate this to my momma.

She done taught me everything I know.

Hey, Momma!

You dropped your room key.

Ah, Gods.

White women always look like they're running through wheat.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

CAT MEOWS

Go away!

He's opening my 1981 claret.

I won that in a tombola.

GATE SQUEAKS AND CAT MEOWS

Miaowgi, in! In!

Oh, Mum!

What are you doing out here? Getting the...

Well, I was getting the cat in.

What are you doing out here?

I was just...

..you know, checking the suspension.

Seems all right, I mean...

You've got nowhere to go, have you?

No. No.

Well, I'm staying with you.

Oh, don't be stupid, lad.

No, I'm staying with you. No!

You need to go back inside, it's freezing.

HE SOBS

Oh, my God.

Oh, my love.

Honey...

..what is it? It's just so upsetting.

What is? Seeing you like this.

I mean, pretending you know stuff like cars.

You know nothing about cars! I do know a lot about cars!

That's the...wheel.

That's the...front bit.

Licence plate there.

Right.

You know, just please don't lie, you're breaking my heart.

Oh, my love, I'm fine, I promise.

You've been going through the bins, haven't you? What?!

No, I haven't! I can smell it on you, don't lie!

I don't smell! Yes, you do!

Do I? It's awful.

It's got so bad you can't even smell yourself.

You're like that old lady in town.

You know, the weird, bearded one

that pushes that marrow around in the pram.

I am not weirdy beardy marrow baby lady!

It's where you're going to be living, in the NCP multistorey,

hissing at cars as they go by.

Oh, my God, this is awful.

I'm fine. I'm fine, promise.

DOOR OPENS What are you doing?

It's freezing.

Sorry? What you doing?

Er, checking the suspension.

Have you been crying?

No. Is it about Mum?

No. You sure?

Yes. I...yeah.

OK. Well, do you want to get inside? Right.

SHE MOUTHS

Do you want to watch a tractor fail compilation?

Sure. All right. Yeah.

All right. DOOR CLOSES

You'll get piles if you sit out there for too long.

Not that that's a problem for you, is it?

Because you're just a big, walking haemorrhoid,

pain in everyone's arse.

Well, go on, then, twist the narrative.

SHE SIGHS

I loved him.

I highly doubt that.

I think...I think you're incapable of loving anyone

apart from yourself, Nic.

Or Jason Orange.

I think I already knew about it all, to be honest.

I'd had dreams about you both.

So my subconscious was obviously trying to tell me something.

But then I'd wake up and think, "Well, that's my wife, that's...

"..that's my...that's my brother,

"they couldn't possibly be that f...king sick, could they?"

But, fuck me, that's the thing about you, Nic,

you prove me wrong time and time again, don't you?

I'd never do that to you, Nic.

I'd never cheat on you.

Not in a million years,

let alone with a family member.

You know he didn't love you, don't you?

Yeah.

I know.

I mean, he'd even say to me,

"Do you know what? I don't know how you put up with her.

"At least tell me she gives you a good blowjob." And I'd say,

"No, it's like a fucking... It's like a koi carp,

"just, like..."

Coming up for air, like gummy carp.

And that coat looks fucking stupid.

You know, you like that racing pundit who picks his nose

and eats his own bogeys.

John McCririck? Yeah, you look like him.

And you pick your nose and you eat your bogeys.

And don't think for a minute that you the only one

who wasn't emotionally there when we were having sex.

Sometimes I'd have to take a picture of Melinda Messenger

and stick it to the back of your head just to get through the ordeal.

And that is saying something, because I once knocked one off

to the girl bunny in Space Jam.

Are you done? No, no, I'm not done.

You're not funny.

You think you're funny because you surround yourself

with boring women who watch Loose Women

and laugh at a period or Carol McGuffin.

SHE CHUCKLES What? What's funny?

No, nothing. What?

It's Carol McGiffin. McGiffin.

OK.

Fuck.

Is that it? Is that everything? I mean, I've got some stuff

on the massive chasm between your tits

but it's cold and I can't be bothered.

Look, I want you to know how sorry I am.

I really am. You don't believe me, do you?

No.

Can I stay on the sofa?

Absolutely not.

What if I get piles? Then I suggest you buy some Anusol.

Alex really was so loved. Oh, Jesus.

What have I done?

Nic, why don't you come up here and share something?

Come on, Nic!

Er, sorry.

Erm...

Maybe I should...? She's fine.

Oh, God.

OK, she's not fine. Go, go, go, go, go.

OK, everybody!

All right, all right. OK.

Who else is sick of old people?

What do they even do?

All they do, they drain the NHS of their resources,

or buy things out of catalogues. PHONE RINGS

No? No? No, no, no.

Old people are really good...

The one thing I'm lacking in my life,

intense kind of passion.

And it's like as if your nerves are exposed on your skin.

I've never had that with anyone. Then you've missed out!

Jen? Fuck.

Harry!I've had that level of...

Move, move, move! Give me that!

Jen! God, I'm trying to stop it but it's not stopping!

A guy called Alex. I mean, it was an affair

that was going on, I mean, for, like, years and years and years...

While you were with Dan?

Oh, Jen!

What was she thinking?!

Jen! Jen!

Jen! Oh, my God. Where is she? Is she in there? Is anyone in there?

No, she's not.

Fuck!

Jen! Jen!

He's gone now. DOOR UNLOCKS

SHE SIGHS

I... Harry had my phone.

And he must have put it up there... Why were you recording my mum?

Er...

It was an accident.

How?

How what? How was it an accident?

Look, Ollie, I'm...

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

This must be horrible for you,

and I never meant anything like that to happen.

How? I just... I was...

..putting my phone away in my pocket and I...

But it wasn't in your pocket, was it?

No, it was angled perfectly

so that everyone could see and hear everything.

THUMPING AT DOOR

Ahem.

Who is it, Mum?

Is it Hagrid?

Oh, it is Hagrid.

No.

I'm so sorry, Nic.

I just don't understand.

Why? Did you do it to hurt me?

No! No, no, I would never...

Look, the only reason I recorded you in the first place

was because I just... I wanted you to hear what I was hearing.

That doesn't make sense! I know, I know.

I can explain, I... No.

I'm going to be really upfront with you here,

because the problem I have...

..is that I don't think I'm going to like

what I'm going to hear from you right now,

and whether it's going to be so unforgivable

that I'm never going to want to talk to you ever again.

And I need you right now,

because I've got nowhere else to stay.

So, I just need you...

Understood? Mm.

TV PLAYING

Is that Real Housewives Of New York?

Yeah. The one where Luann is high as a kite

and keeps escaping the police car? Mm.

And keeps telling them that they can't arrest her

because she's a countess and she lives in the Hamptons.

That's all I want to watch right now.

No jibber jabber. Mm-hm.

Are you sure...? Yes, I'm sure!

Yeah.

Do not touch me!

Do not... Do not...

I-I just...

..want to be able to get into my car,

drive home for...

Do you know who I am?

But can I just...? Sh!

It's about...

It's about this?! Fine.

I just think it's worth remembering that...

..money can't buy you class.

Money can't buy you class. Exactly.

TV CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY

I said, I am not...

ALARM BLARES

Help!

Oh, my God! Keep walking. I told you not to look!

SIRENS WAIL

Did you see what she did?

Isn't that murder?

I think we both have to promise each other now

that we're never going to talk about this ever again.

Hang on a second, I can't quite hear you.

Before you say anything, let me tell you a joke. Knock-knock...

Who's there? Not me, leave a message.

Wanker.

Call me as soon as you get this, and change your fucking answerphone!