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♪♪
2
00:00:02,959 --> 00:00:04,094
-Hello. Welcome to night court.
3
00:00:04,127 --> 00:00:05,327
What brings you in tonight?
4
00:00:05,361 --> 00:00:08,564
-My husband sold
my identity on the dark web.
5
00:00:08,597 --> 00:00:09,966
-Wonderful.
6
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,667
Upon exiting,
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00:00:11,702 --> 00:00:14,137
be sure to stop by our
customer satisfaction kiosk
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00:00:14,171 --> 00:00:15,438
and press the face button
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00:00:15,471 --> 00:00:17,406
that best represents
your experience.
10
00:00:17,440 --> 00:00:19,442
And remember,
you're rating us,
11
00:00:19,475 --> 00:00:22,344
not the sketch-bag
you married.
12
00:00:23,180 --> 00:00:24,647
-Why does the city think
we need those?
13
00:00:24,680 --> 00:00:26,449
Are they worried
people might take
14
00:00:26,482 --> 00:00:28,952
their public urinations
elsewhere?
15
00:00:29,886 --> 00:00:31,188
-And only three buttons?
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00:00:31,220 --> 00:00:33,924
I mean, I get you need
happy, sad,
17
00:00:33,957 --> 00:00:35,192
and whatever
flat mouth is.
18
00:00:35,224 --> 00:00:38,061
But where's conflicted,
inspired,
19
00:00:38,095 --> 00:00:40,563
wistful with a subtle
tinge of regret?
20
00:00:40,596 --> 00:00:41,898
-Hmm
21
00:00:41,932 --> 00:00:43,166
Here comes
our first customer:
22
00:00:43,200 --> 00:00:44,701
The People versus
Pandora Findlay.
23
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She is charged
with destruction of property.
24
00:00:47,670 --> 00:00:50,639
-In her latest stab
at TikTok immortality,
25
00:00:50,673 --> 00:00:53,309
Miss Findlay attempted some
dirty dancing
26
00:00:53,342 --> 00:00:55,979
in a local
Tar-zhay.
27
00:00:56,012 --> 00:00:59,216
But when she tried to lift
the mannequin above her head,
28
00:00:59,248 --> 00:01:02,119
she dropped Plastic Swayze
onto an old woman
29
00:01:02,152 --> 00:01:05,488
who did not have the time
of her life.
30
00:01:05,521 --> 00:01:08,491
-That movie is so hot.
You come for the Swayze,
31
00:01:08,524 --> 00:01:11,061
but, mm, you stay
for the Orbach.
32
00:01:11,094 --> 00:01:13,395
-Your honor, this is nothing
but a childish indiscretion.
33
00:01:13,429 --> 00:01:18,300
I believe Homer said, "In youth
and beauty, wisdom is rare."
34
00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:22,271
-Who cares what
Bart Simpson's dad said?
35
00:01:22,304 --> 00:01:23,606
This went viral.
36
00:01:23,639 --> 00:01:24,908
-You know what?
Maybe it's best to let
37
00:01:24,941 --> 00:01:26,642
the lawyer do the lawyering.
38
00:01:26,675 --> 00:01:30,279
You wouldn't make it in jail.
They take your phone.
39
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-Only if they can find it.
40
00:01:33,315 --> 00:01:36,552
-Judge, can I have a lawyer
who gets what I'm about?
41
00:01:36,585 --> 00:01:38,088
-Oh, yes.
42
00:01:38,121 --> 00:01:39,923
Oh, who could possibly
understand the vast uniqueness
43
00:01:39,956 --> 00:01:43,927
that is you, Pandora?
Perhaps we should find one
44
00:01:43,960 --> 00:01:46,562
of your wholly original
contemporaries named
45
00:01:46,595 --> 00:01:48,664
Paxton or Astrid
to advocate for you.
46
00:01:48,698 --> 00:01:51,968
Or maybe you could back off
and let me do my job!
47
00:01:52,002 --> 00:01:56,139
I have socks
older than you.
48
00:01:56,173 --> 00:01:58,641
-Astrid. Can you
believe this guy?
49
00:02:01,778 --> 00:02:03,512
-Is there a button on there
that makes it clear
50
00:02:03,546 --> 00:02:05,347
that those
are for Dan?
51
00:02:07,483 --> 00:02:12,555
[ Theme music plays ]
52
00:02:12,588 --> 00:02:15,125
-Hey, Abby Stoners,
it's your gavel girl.
53
00:02:15,158 --> 00:02:17,861
Reminding you that a career
at night court can be fun,
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00:02:17,894 --> 00:02:20,797
rewarding, and you
probably won't get stabbed.
55
00:02:21,765 --> 00:02:23,599
-Sorry to interrupt
your influencing,
56
00:02:23,632 --> 00:02:25,434
but I just heard
a juicy rumor.
57
00:02:25,467 --> 00:02:27,737
Someone here
has a crush on Wyatt.
58
00:02:27,771 --> 00:02:30,874
-Do they know
he still calls people "Playa"?
59
00:02:30,907 --> 00:02:33,342
-Ooh. Let's say who we
think it is on three.
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00:02:33,375 --> 00:02:34,510
One, two --
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00:02:34,543 --> 00:02:35,912
-Both: Gail, the new
stenographer.
62
00:02:35,946 --> 00:02:37,346
-...who's super horny.
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00:02:38,748 --> 00:02:40,250
-Whenever I ask her
to read something back,
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00:02:40,283 --> 00:02:42,185
she always looks at him
and does it all breathy.
65
00:02:42,219 --> 00:02:46,388
[ Breathy ] "And that's when the
dog... jumped out the window."
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00:02:47,423 --> 00:02:49,192
-What up, playa?
67
00:02:49,226 --> 00:02:50,760
We doing
Gail impressions?
68
00:02:50,794 --> 00:02:56,099
[ Breathy ] "There... was
blood... everywhere."
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00:02:56,132 --> 00:03:00,103
-That case was weirdly graphic
for a parking ticket.
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00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:01,670
-Hey Gurgs,
you're Chief Bailiff.
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00:03:01,705 --> 00:03:03,639
Can you authorize me
to check out a lie detector?
72
00:03:03,672 --> 00:03:05,674
-Sure, but don't make
the mistake I did.
73
00:03:05,709 --> 00:03:08,745
Clamps go on the fingers,
not the nipples.
74
00:03:08,778 --> 00:03:11,348
-Okay, so I'll wash the clamps
before I...
75
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:15,651
put them on my daughter.
76
00:03:15,684 --> 00:03:17,386
Her lying is getting
out of control.
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00:03:17,419 --> 00:03:20,556
She's eight, but she lies
on a college level.
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00:03:20,589 --> 00:03:24,426
She almost convinced me
she was adopted.
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00:03:24,460 --> 00:03:26,029
-Hooking her up
to a lie detector.
80
00:03:26,062 --> 00:03:27,663
Maybe she should
be adopted.
81
00:03:27,697 --> 00:03:31,101
-Oh my God.
She got to you, too.
82
00:03:31,768 --> 00:03:33,402
♪♪
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-Hello, Mr. Fielding!
I'm Tad Greevy.
84
00:03:36,373 --> 00:03:38,808
I'm head of the city's
Satisfaction Initiative.
85
00:03:38,842 --> 00:03:41,644
We're the ones behind, uh,
these bad boys.
86
00:03:41,677 --> 00:03:43,980
I posed for
the buttons myself.
87
00:03:44,014 --> 00:03:45,749
Does this look familiar?
88
00:03:46,316 --> 00:03:47,884
That's yellow!
89
00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:51,187
-This is disinterested.
90
00:03:51,221 --> 00:03:53,056
-[ Laughing sarcastically ]
91
00:03:53,089 --> 00:03:54,758
I'm here investigating
a flurry
92
00:03:54,791 --> 00:03:57,360
of negative feedback
from last night.
93
00:03:57,394 --> 00:03:59,696
The frowns were
so concentrated,
94
00:03:59,729 --> 00:04:03,099
we assumed that one
of the kiosks exploded.
95
00:04:03,133 --> 00:04:04,301
That's only happened once.
96
00:04:04,334 --> 00:04:05,702
-Oh. Yeah.
I hope there was
97
00:04:05,735 --> 00:04:07,536
a functional kiosk nearby
98
00:04:07,569 --> 00:04:08,604
so that you could
tell how people
99
00:04:08,637 --> 00:04:10,439
felt about the explosion.
100
00:04:10,472 --> 00:04:12,943
-You're being sarcastic,
but there was.
101
00:04:12,976 --> 00:04:17,446
Anyhoo, your client was
not satisfied.
102
00:04:17,479 --> 00:04:19,615
Do you often find it difficult
relating to people
103
00:04:19,648 --> 00:04:21,318
who are younger than you?
104
00:04:21,351 --> 00:04:22,518
-No.
105
00:04:22,551 --> 00:04:24,354
But I do find it difficult
relating to people
106
00:04:24,387 --> 00:04:27,523
who are stupider than me.
107
00:04:27,556 --> 00:04:30,160
-Okay, I'm sensing
some hostility.
108
00:04:30,193 --> 00:04:33,096
But when one of our more, uh,
109
00:04:33,129 --> 00:04:37,901
seasoned public defenders
is called "out of touch" --
110
00:04:37,934 --> 00:04:41,104
uhh -- we gotta make sure
he's up to the job.
111
00:04:41,137 --> 00:04:43,406
-Uh-huh.
-You understand that...
112
00:04:43,440 --> 00:04:44,673
right, guy?
113
00:04:44,708 --> 00:04:46,276
-Uh. Yeah.
[ Clears throat ]
114
00:04:46,309 --> 00:04:48,610
You know what I understand
is that Swift was correct
115
00:04:48,644 --> 00:04:50,612
when he said,
when a true genius appears
116
00:04:50,646 --> 00:04:54,650
that all the dunces will form
a confederacy against him.
117
00:04:54,683 --> 00:04:56,652
-Oh, you're a Swiftie?
118
00:04:56,685 --> 00:05:00,023
-[ Laughs ]
Jonathan Swift.
119
00:05:00,056 --> 00:05:01,925
-Her name is Taylor.
120
00:05:03,460 --> 00:05:04,928
-Oh, Wyatt.
121
00:05:04,961 --> 00:05:07,496
I heard a rumor that you're
trying to frighten a child.
122
00:05:07,529 --> 00:05:10,499
Just so you know,
I'm available.
123
00:05:11,134 --> 00:05:12,369
-You're too excited
124
00:05:12,402 --> 00:05:15,739
and therefore not allowed
to participate.
125
00:05:15,772 --> 00:05:18,341
-Well, I'm gonna
do it anyway.
126
00:05:18,375 --> 00:05:21,677
-You know that those face
buttons actually do something?
127
00:05:21,711 --> 00:05:24,014
Well, because of
that TikTok brat last night,
128
00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,016
I've got some City Hall stooge
complaining
129
00:05:26,049 --> 00:05:27,751
that I can't relate
to young people.
130
00:05:27,784 --> 00:05:30,552
You're all young.
You relate to me just fine.
131
00:05:30,586 --> 00:05:32,288
-Absolutely.
-Heck, yeah.
132
00:05:32,322 --> 00:05:34,724
-My man.
133
00:05:34,758 --> 00:05:37,093
-Oh, please. [ Chuckles ]
You're all lying.
134
00:05:37,127 --> 00:05:39,696
They don't understand half
of what comes out of your mouth.
135
00:05:39,729 --> 00:05:40,697
-That's not true.
136
00:05:40,730 --> 00:05:41,831
Dan and I
are completely in sync.
137
00:05:41,865 --> 00:05:43,366
As long as he doesn't
talk Irish poets
138
00:05:43,400 --> 00:05:46,903
or start ranking
the Apollo missions.
139
00:05:46,936 --> 00:05:47,771
-Excuse me.
140
00:05:47,804 --> 00:05:49,339
If you didn't understand
my references,
141
00:05:49,372 --> 00:05:50,774
why not just tell me?
142
00:05:50,807 --> 00:05:52,541
-Because it's easier to just
nod, squint your eyes,
143
00:05:52,574 --> 00:05:54,044
and pretend
you vaguely remember
144
00:05:54,077 --> 00:05:56,612
some obscure jazz man
you've never heard of.
145
00:05:57,714 --> 00:05:59,516
-But, Dan, we love
that you're from the past.
146
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:00,950
-Ugh!
-It's like being friends
147
00:06:00,984 --> 00:06:03,420
with a museum
that comes alive at night.
148
00:06:03,453 --> 00:06:05,455
That was a movie,
actually three.
149
00:06:05,488 --> 00:06:07,556
-Yes, and yet they only
managed to make
150
00:06:07,589 --> 00:06:08,992
"On the Waterfront" once.
151
00:06:09,025 --> 00:06:10,460
-My man.
152
00:06:10,493 --> 00:06:11,895
-That's it! I don't
want any more
153
00:06:11,928 --> 00:06:13,763
special treatment just
because of my age.
154
00:06:13,797 --> 00:06:17,400
-So no more senior discount
at the coffee bar?
155
00:06:17,434 --> 00:06:18,935
-All right.
Fine, fine.
156
00:06:18,968 --> 00:06:20,437
I've never said this
in my life, but...
157
00:06:20,470 --> 00:06:22,405
charge me full price!
158
00:06:22,439 --> 00:06:23,940
-[ Crowd gasps ]
159
00:06:24,474 --> 00:06:25,674
[ Woman falls ]
160
00:06:26,675 --> 00:06:29,279
-That wasn't my fault.
Nobody push a button.
161
00:06:29,312 --> 00:06:31,181
♪♪
162
00:06:33,883 --> 00:06:35,852
-New crush theory:
It's Cathy, the security guard.
163
00:06:35,885 --> 00:06:37,653
Wyatt doesn't need
a pat down every time,
164
00:06:37,686 --> 00:06:39,722
you thirsty tramp.
165
00:06:40,757 --> 00:06:42,125
-[ Breathy ] I still think
it's...
166
00:06:42,158 --> 00:06:44,260
[ Inhales sharply ] Gail.
167
00:06:45,295 --> 00:06:46,595
-Care to make
it interesting?
168
00:06:46,628 --> 00:06:48,098
-Okay, If I'm right,
you have to be
169
00:06:48,131 --> 00:06:50,200
my tag-team partner in
wrestling class,
170
00:06:50,233 --> 00:06:53,570
and I will turn on you, because
that's what the crowd wants.
171
00:06:53,602 --> 00:06:54,670
-Well, when I'm right,
172
00:06:54,704 --> 00:06:56,106
you have to come with me
to trivia night.
173
00:06:56,139 --> 00:06:59,976
And our team name is
"ABSolutely GURGSulous."
174
00:07:00,009 --> 00:07:01,778
-I hate trivia.
Like, I don't know where
175
00:07:01,811 --> 00:07:02,879
Scooby-Doo went to college.
176
00:07:02,912 --> 00:07:05,115
That's none of my business.
177
00:07:05,148 --> 00:07:07,616
-You might want to study
up on your Scooby,
178
00:07:07,649 --> 00:07:09,018
because when you
lose this bet,
179
00:07:09,052 --> 00:07:11,620
you're going to be like,
"Ruh-Roh."
180
00:07:13,622 --> 00:07:15,125
[ Velcro ripping ]
181
00:07:15,158 --> 00:07:16,192
-Ruh-Roh.
182
00:07:17,227 --> 00:07:18,595
Now that I'm seeing
the eight-year-old strapped
183
00:07:18,627 --> 00:07:20,130
to the lie detector,
I feel like
184
00:07:20,163 --> 00:07:22,398
I should have pushed back
harder on this idea.
185
00:07:22,432 --> 00:07:24,868
-I'm just showing my daughter
some of the cool equipment here
186
00:07:24,901 --> 00:07:27,403
and how there's
no escape from it.
187
00:07:29,472 --> 00:07:30,507
-Nice to meet you.
188
00:07:30,540 --> 00:07:32,275
[ Machine beeping ]
189
00:07:32,308 --> 00:07:35,979
-My feelings are hurt, but at
least we know the machine works.
190
00:07:36,012 --> 00:07:37,847
-We'll be out of your way
in a minute.
191
00:07:37,881 --> 00:07:40,517
I'm just gonna ask
a few questions.
192
00:07:40,550 --> 00:07:42,285
The lies stop now.
193
00:07:43,286 --> 00:07:44,387
Whoops.
194
00:07:44,420 --> 00:07:46,222
Did you see where I left
my pad with my questions?
195
00:07:46,256 --> 00:07:48,591
-Probably in the bathroom
where you were practicing
196
00:07:48,625 --> 00:07:50,894
your "tough guy" voice.
197
00:07:50,927 --> 00:07:54,164
-[ Laughing ]
She's telling the truth.
198
00:07:54,197 --> 00:07:57,033
-I'm going to go
track down my questions.
199
00:07:57,066 --> 00:08:01,838
Pro tip: If she's complimenting
you, you've already lost.
200
00:08:03,072 --> 00:08:06,576
-Hey. Watch this!
I didn't go through your desk.
201
00:08:06,609 --> 00:08:08,645
[ Machine beeping ]
202
00:08:08,677 --> 00:08:10,713
-We should ask her
about the crush.
203
00:08:10,747 --> 00:08:12,715
-Are we talking about
how someone here
204
00:08:12,749 --> 00:08:14,284
has a crush on my dad?
205
00:08:14,317 --> 00:08:15,752
-You know about that?
-Yes.
206
00:08:15,785 --> 00:08:18,188
-And do you know who it is?
-Yes.
207
00:08:18,221 --> 00:08:21,391
-Would you tell me who it is
if I gave you some jellybeans?
208
00:08:22,625 --> 00:08:24,027
-Deal.
209
00:08:24,727 --> 00:08:25,929
-[ Chuckles ]
Hold on.
210
00:08:25,962 --> 00:08:27,830
I'm just waiting for
the needle to move.
211
00:08:28,798 --> 00:08:30,366
It's not moving.
212
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,169
-Dad said one of his friends
from work has a crush on him.
213
00:08:33,203 --> 00:08:34,771
You're the only one
he talks about.
214
00:08:34,804 --> 00:08:36,005
So it must be you.
215
00:08:36,039 --> 00:08:37,407
-Oh, he don't
talk about me?
216
00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:38,741
-Right. Could be you.
217
00:08:38,775 --> 00:08:40,009
-That's better.
218
00:08:40,043 --> 00:08:41,611
-[ Inhales sharply ]
Wait. What?
219
00:08:41,644 --> 00:08:43,112
♪♪
220
00:08:43,146 --> 00:08:46,616
-Uh, black coffee.
Full price.
221
00:08:46,649 --> 00:08:49,986
-Mobile order for Tad.
Oh! Hey, champ.
222
00:08:50,019 --> 00:08:53,623
Ordering with your mouth,
I see. That's old school.
223
00:08:53,656 --> 00:08:54,857
-[ Laughs ] Right.
You know what? No.
224
00:08:54,891 --> 00:08:56,492
You know what? Check that.
225
00:08:56,526 --> 00:08:58,795
I'm going to have whatever
my young friend is having.
226
00:08:58,828 --> 00:09:01,164
-Well, you are in
for a tasty treat.
227
00:09:01,197 --> 00:09:04,801
This is a peppermint
pumpkin latte, Tad style.
228
00:09:04,834 --> 00:09:07,705
One pump of pep.
Two pumps of pump.
229
00:09:07,737 --> 00:09:09,272
And don't skimp
on the whip.
230
00:09:10,340 --> 00:09:12,041
-Tremendous. I love
the dueling flavors
231
00:09:12,075 --> 00:09:14,844
of toothpaste
and squash.
232
00:09:14,877 --> 00:09:18,014
No, no, no, no.
233
00:09:18,047 --> 00:09:21,918
-Who is this distinguished
teenager with back problems?
234
00:09:21,951 --> 00:09:25,255
-L-O-L, 'cause that's
what I say now.
235
00:09:26,623 --> 00:09:29,025
-You know what keeps
me so young, Dan?
236
00:09:29,058 --> 00:09:30,994
-I figured it was a potion
237
00:09:31,027 --> 00:09:33,763
you whipped up
with the rest of your coven.
238
00:09:34,698 --> 00:09:37,667
-I'm up for anything.
[ Inhales deeply ]
239
00:09:37,701 --> 00:09:39,202
No, I do something new
every day.
240
00:09:39,235 --> 00:09:40,704
Well, not every day.
241
00:09:40,738 --> 00:09:43,106
I once lost a whole week
when I took a pill
242
00:09:43,139 --> 00:09:45,375
I found in the subway,
but --
243
00:09:45,408 --> 00:09:49,846
damn it, I am gonna
live until I die.
244
00:09:49,879 --> 00:09:51,948
-I'm up for things.
-[ Scoffs, snorts ]
245
00:09:51,981 --> 00:09:53,850
-All right.
Go, test me.
246
00:09:53,883 --> 00:09:56,085
-Okay, so hypothetically,
247
00:09:56,119 --> 00:09:59,589
if I said let's
get out of the city this weekend
248
00:09:59,622 --> 00:10:01,924
and go plum picking.
249
00:10:01,958 --> 00:10:05,428
-Fight traffic on my day
off to gather a ton of fruit
250
00:10:05,461 --> 00:10:08,898
that I could have easily
gotten at the grocery store.
251
00:10:09,799 --> 00:10:12,770
I wouldn't miss it.
252
00:10:12,802 --> 00:10:15,271
-If I had a pit bull
and asked you to watch him?
253
00:10:15,305 --> 00:10:19,475
And before you answer, know that
he has to sleep in your bed.
254
00:10:19,509 --> 00:10:23,112
-I could only hope that
he would lick my face all night,
255
00:10:23,146 --> 00:10:25,114
because I believe
that dogs are capable of love
256
00:10:25,148 --> 00:10:28,484
and wouldn't eat me
if things came to that.
257
00:10:28,518 --> 00:10:33,056
-There's a music festival
tomorrow outside in the park.
258
00:10:33,089 --> 00:10:36,326
-I just hope it's really hot.
259
00:10:36,359 --> 00:10:37,527
-You know, I forget --
260
00:10:37,560 --> 00:10:40,663
wh-where -- where do you stand
on electronic dance music?
261
00:10:40,698 --> 00:10:45,668
-EDM?
Oh, it's one of my favorites.
262
00:10:45,703 --> 00:10:47,003
I just hope they play my
favorite song:
263
00:10:47,036 --> 00:10:48,471
"Boom, Boom,
Wop, Wop."
264
00:10:48,504 --> 00:10:52,008
-Ah. You really are up
for anything, you know.
265
00:10:52,041 --> 00:10:55,078
And that's good
because that last one was real.
266
00:10:55,111 --> 00:10:57,781
So you owe me $170
for the ticket,
267
00:10:57,815 --> 00:11:00,416
and I'll see you tomorrow
in Flushing.
268
00:11:00,450 --> 00:11:03,186
-Can I just have
the pit bull eat my face?
269
00:11:03,886 --> 00:11:05,655
-This is crazy.
270
00:11:05,688 --> 00:11:06,956
Wyatt's not even my type.
271
00:11:06,989 --> 00:11:09,760
He doesn't look anything
like Jerry Orbach.
272
00:11:09,793 --> 00:11:11,494
-I don't have
a crush on him either.
273
00:11:11,527 --> 00:11:15,031
I'm taking a break from romance
since I dumped the Duke.
274
00:11:15,064 --> 00:11:17,433
Got real messy.
Even the royal guard
275
00:11:17,467 --> 00:11:20,370
that brought back my underwear
was crying.
276
00:11:20,403 --> 00:11:23,239
-I can't believe Wyatt thinks
we have a crush on him.
277
00:11:23,272 --> 00:11:25,141
I mean, do other people
think that?
278
00:11:25,174 --> 00:11:26,810
Are other people
betting on us?
279
00:11:26,844 --> 00:11:29,612
[ Gasps ]
Are we the Gail?
280
00:11:29,645 --> 00:11:31,047
-Well, I don't mind
judging others,
281
00:11:31,080 --> 00:11:32,982
but I don't like it
turned around on me.
282
00:11:33,015 --> 00:11:36,085
-How could anyone think
I have a crush on Wyatt?
283
00:11:36,119 --> 00:11:38,621
I mean, you I get. You're always
complimenting his clothes.
284
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:39,956
-I wear the same thing
every day.
285
00:11:39,989 --> 00:11:42,125
I'm jealous of anyone
who doesn't.
286
00:11:43,025 --> 00:11:43,993
-You never compliment my
clothes.
287
00:11:44,026 --> 00:11:45,995
-Be serious, Abby.
288
00:11:47,563 --> 00:11:50,199
-Besides, you're the one always
laughing at his dumb jokes.
289
00:11:50,233 --> 00:11:51,769
-That doesn't
mean anything.
290
00:11:51,802 --> 00:11:53,871
I laugh at Beaker
from the Muppets.
291
00:11:53,903 --> 00:11:55,605
I don't have a crush
on him...
292
00:11:55,638 --> 00:11:57,206
anymore.
293
00:11:57,240 --> 00:11:58,742
Okay? It was one sex dream,
294
00:11:58,776 --> 00:12:01,577
but I had a lot of pie
before bed.
295
00:12:01,611 --> 00:12:02,545
-You know what?
296
00:12:02,578 --> 00:12:04,180
I'm changing my bet
to you.
297
00:12:04,213 --> 00:12:06,850
Because your eyes are
always on his butt.
298
00:12:06,884 --> 00:12:09,318
-I'm down here.
I can't help it.
299
00:12:09,352 --> 00:12:12,622
All I see are butts.
Butts are my faces!
300
00:12:12,655 --> 00:12:13,990
♪♪
301
00:12:17,193 --> 00:12:18,227
♪♪
302
00:12:18,261 --> 00:12:19,830
-There he is, my colleague
303
00:12:19,863 --> 00:12:21,397
you claim to have
no feelings for.
304
00:12:21,431 --> 00:12:23,132
Double or nothing,
you can't help
305
00:12:23,166 --> 00:12:24,902
but compliment
his outfit.
306
00:12:24,934 --> 00:12:26,068
-We can't double our bet.
What are you gonna do?
307
00:12:26,102 --> 00:12:27,905
Run two trivia teams?
308
00:12:27,937 --> 00:12:30,006
-I could run as many teams
as I have names for,
309
00:12:30,039 --> 00:12:32,475
and I'm up to eight.
310
00:12:32,508 --> 00:12:34,444
-Hey, guys.
-I hate your sweater.
311
00:12:35,478 --> 00:12:37,079
It's ugly and dumb
and-and I don't find
312
00:12:37,113 --> 00:12:39,883
the pattern bold
or surprising.
313
00:12:39,917 --> 00:12:41,017
-Should I take it off?
314
00:12:41,050 --> 00:12:42,585
-No.
We hate your body.
315
00:12:42,618 --> 00:12:45,054
Especially the parts you can
bounce quarters off of.
316
00:12:46,656 --> 00:12:49,058
-Oh, Julianne
brought her dad.
317
00:12:49,860 --> 00:12:51,961
Oh, my God, it's Dan.
318
00:12:53,396 --> 00:12:56,065
-Hi, Dan from 20 years
in the future.
319
00:12:56,098 --> 00:12:57,734
What are you here
to warn us about?
320
00:12:59,035 --> 00:13:00,203
-She dragged me
to a music festival!
321
00:13:00,236 --> 00:13:01,504
-Why are you yelling?
322
00:13:01,537 --> 00:13:03,740
-We were a little close
to the speakers.
323
00:13:03,774 --> 00:13:04,842
So now he's deaf.
324
00:13:04,875 --> 00:13:07,076
-[ Shouting ]
I'm a little deaf!
325
00:13:07,109 --> 00:13:08,912
I slipped on some mud,
326
00:13:08,946 --> 00:13:11,080
inadvertently started
a mosh pit.
327
00:13:11,915 --> 00:13:14,083
-Oh, yeah.
He got moshed real good.
328
00:13:14,116 --> 00:13:16,319
Hence the cane
and this lovely ensemble
329
00:13:16,352 --> 00:13:18,889
from the Lost and Found
collection.
330
00:13:18,922 --> 00:13:21,257
-Found this in
the lost and found!
331
00:13:22,492 --> 00:13:26,195
Those punks are lucky that
Skrillex intervened when he did!
332
00:13:26,229 --> 00:13:29,565
Or they'd be tripping balls
in hell right now!
333
00:13:31,133 --> 00:13:32,836
-Hello again, Mr. Fielding.
334
00:13:32,870 --> 00:13:34,036
-Oh, who's that? Oh.
335
00:13:34,070 --> 00:13:38,107
-Oh, no. He doesn't
remember who I am.
336
00:13:38,140 --> 00:13:39,342
He's lucky to have you.
337
00:13:39,375 --> 00:13:41,210
-What are you
doing here, Tad?
338
00:13:41,244 --> 00:13:43,312
-Well, I told my boss
about our little gab sesh
339
00:13:43,346 --> 00:13:45,681
and how you were cranky
and confused,
340
00:13:45,716 --> 00:13:48,952
and she suggested that I give
you a full performance review.
341
00:13:48,986 --> 00:13:51,955
So I'm here to watch
the mighty silverback
342
00:13:51,989 --> 00:13:53,356
in his natural habitat.
343
00:13:53,389 --> 00:13:55,792
-Is a performance review
really necessary?
344
00:13:55,826 --> 00:13:59,095
He's an amazing lawyer who can
feel the weather in his bones.
345
00:13:59,128 --> 00:14:02,265
What's younger than that?
346
00:14:02,298 --> 00:14:04,600
-A performance review is
really no biggie.
347
00:14:04,634 --> 00:14:06,703
It just determines
if you keep working
348
00:14:06,737 --> 00:14:08,471
and if you get benefits.
349
00:14:08,504 --> 00:14:13,010
And if you get invited
to Tad's big birthday brunch.
350
00:14:13,042 --> 00:14:15,478
There are stairs.
351
00:14:15,511 --> 00:14:16,947
-I take it that's the guy
you don't want to
352
00:14:16,980 --> 00:14:18,214
seem old in front of?
353
00:14:18,247 --> 00:14:19,282
-Yeah, probably
not the best time
354
00:14:19,315 --> 00:14:20,784
to look like you're about
355
00:14:20,817 --> 00:14:22,184
to give a fireside chat
about polio.
356
00:14:22,218 --> 00:14:24,220
-Can we just
do our jobs now?
357
00:14:25,421 --> 00:14:27,724
-You know, when I was
picking you up off the ground,
358
00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:28,859
I found some pills.
359
00:14:28,892 --> 00:14:31,728
You wanna take one and
just wake up when this is over?
360
00:14:31,762 --> 00:14:34,031
-Thank you. But no,
I had enough floor in my mouth
361
00:14:34,063 --> 00:14:35,464
when those kids
were dancing on me.
362
00:14:35,498 --> 00:14:37,034
Let's just hope that
the next defendant
363
00:14:37,066 --> 00:14:38,467
is someone young
364
00:14:38,501 --> 00:14:41,070
so I can show Tad
how good I can relate.
365
00:14:41,103 --> 00:14:43,774
-The people versus
Winston Cradley.
366
00:14:47,076 --> 00:14:48,611
-Dagnabbit!
367
00:14:48,644 --> 00:14:50,847
Uh, I mean FML.
368
00:14:52,081 --> 00:14:54,952
-Mr. Bradley threatened
children with a rake
369
00:14:54,985 --> 00:14:58,087
after their Frisbee landed
on his property.
370
00:14:58,120 --> 00:15:00,323
-My client did offer plenty
of warnings.
371
00:15:00,356 --> 00:15:02,025
-What was the nature
of these warnings?
372
00:15:02,059 --> 00:15:04,061
-[ Shouting ]
Eh?
373
00:15:04,093 --> 00:15:05,361
-What did he say?
374
00:15:05,394 --> 00:15:07,396
-Oh, dear.
375
00:15:07,430 --> 00:15:09,066
"Beat it, you young
whippersnapper,"
376
00:15:09,098 --> 00:15:12,769
"Get a job, hippie,"
and "Get off my lawn!"
377
00:15:12,803 --> 00:15:15,638
-It's like looking
in a mirror.
378
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,875
-No, it's not.
I'm so much younger --
379
00:15:18,909 --> 00:15:21,979
I like young things.
Look [ Laughs ] like this toy.
380
00:15:22,012 --> 00:15:24,313
[ Toy falls ]
I like -- Oh.
381
00:15:24,347 --> 00:15:25,782
-Wyatt, maybe get that
for Dan.
382
00:15:25,816 --> 00:15:28,051
-Oh, you'd like him to bend
over, wouldn't you, judge?
383
00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:29,685
You getting this, Gail?
384
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:33,957
-No. I can do things, for
God's -- Ow! Oh! Jeez.
385
00:15:33,991 --> 00:15:36,158
-Been there, Bro.
386
00:15:37,761 --> 00:15:41,999
-I want it on record
that I met Skrillex today.
387
00:15:42,032 --> 00:15:43,399
-Okay.
388
00:15:43,432 --> 00:15:45,334
There's only one logical way
to settle
389
00:15:45,368 --> 00:15:47,470
which of us
has a crush on Wyatt.
390
00:15:47,503 --> 00:15:49,672
-I hope you're ready
to wear this
391
00:15:49,706 --> 00:15:53,376
and explain why it's super
clever to confused strangers.
392
00:15:53,409 --> 00:15:55,544
-Well, I hope you're
ready to wear this,
393
00:15:55,578 --> 00:15:59,215
because on our tag team,
I'm the face.
394
00:16:00,216 --> 00:16:02,853
All right, let's ask
some baseline questions.
395
00:16:02,886 --> 00:16:04,320
Is your name Abby Stone?
396
00:16:04,353 --> 00:16:07,791
-Yes.
Is your name Donna Gurganous?
397
00:16:07,824 --> 00:16:08,959
-No.
398
00:16:08,992 --> 00:16:12,294
But if I told you my real name,
it would blow your mind.
399
00:16:12,328 --> 00:16:13,730
-All right. Looks like
we've got our baseline.
400
00:16:13,764 --> 00:16:17,134
-Did you ever have sex
with Jake in here?
401
00:16:17,166 --> 00:16:18,802
-Um, okay.
402
00:16:18,835 --> 00:16:22,204
Yes, but I work at night,
and that's when sex happens.
403
00:16:22,906 --> 00:16:24,407
Okay. We're doing this?
404
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:26,208
Did you really miss
my Friendsgiving
405
00:16:26,242 --> 00:16:27,711
'cause your Aunt Terri
was sick?
406
00:16:27,744 --> 00:16:29,512
-Yes. She was sick --
[ Machine beeping ]
407
00:16:29,545 --> 00:16:32,816
of not being
in Atlantic City.
408
00:16:32,849 --> 00:16:35,118
-We had odd numbers
for charades because of you.
409
00:16:35,152 --> 00:16:36,285
-Well, you would have lost
anyway.
410
00:16:36,318 --> 00:16:37,620
You always mouth
the answers.
411
00:16:37,653 --> 00:16:39,522
-No, I don't.
[ Machine beeping ]
412
00:16:39,555 --> 00:16:41,158
Okay, fine.
Well, you know what?
413
00:16:41,190 --> 00:16:42,693
You over-sing at karaoke.
414
00:16:43,960 --> 00:16:45,594
-Oh, you do a lot of white rap,
and it makes me uncomfortable.
415
00:16:46,830 --> 00:16:48,597
-Yeah, well, your choice of
deep cuts alienates the crowd.
416
00:16:48,631 --> 00:16:50,332
[ Machine beeping ]
I'm lying.
417
00:16:50,366 --> 00:16:52,869
The crowd loves it,
and I'm jealous.
418
00:16:52,903 --> 00:16:56,205
-All right, now let's ask
the real question.
419
00:16:56,238 --> 00:16:58,175
Do you have a crush on Wyatt?
420
00:16:58,207 --> 00:17:00,143
-No. Do you have
a crush on Wyatt?
421
00:17:00,177 --> 00:17:01,712
-No.
422
00:17:01,745 --> 00:17:04,213
-All right. It's official.
Nobody here likes Wyatt.
423
00:17:04,246 --> 00:17:08,584
-[ Clears throat ]
-Oh. Hey, buddy.
424
00:17:08,617 --> 00:17:10,219
-Girl, I know you
had something to do with this.
425
00:17:10,252 --> 00:17:12,288
-I just told them the truth.
426
00:17:12,321 --> 00:17:15,125
You said a friend at work
has a crush on you.
427
00:17:15,158 --> 00:17:17,794
-Whaaat?
428
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,030
Don't listen to her.
Uh, she's a liar.
429
00:17:20,063 --> 00:17:21,530
Okay. Yes.
430
00:17:21,564 --> 00:17:23,432
I totally said someone had a
crush on me, but it's not true.
431
00:17:23,466 --> 00:17:25,267
I knew your mom
was listening to us on FaceTime,
432
00:17:25,301 --> 00:17:26,335
and I wanted her to be jealous
433
00:17:26,368 --> 00:17:29,706
because I'm a petty man!
434
00:17:29,740 --> 00:17:32,776
-Wow, Dad...
Wow.
435
00:17:32,809 --> 00:17:35,277
-Lying doesn't seem
so cool now, does it, Megan?
436
00:17:35,311 --> 00:17:38,614
-There's nothing cool
about any of this.
437
00:17:39,548 --> 00:17:41,250
-Well, I don't care
what you guys think.
438
00:17:41,283 --> 00:17:46,056
I know I'm cool.
[ Machine beeping ]
439
00:17:46,089 --> 00:17:47,656
-It's a shame
no one won the bet.
440
00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:49,993
I'd make a pretty intimidating
tag team partner.
441
00:17:50,026 --> 00:17:52,428
[ Machine beeping ]
How does it know I'm lying?
442
00:17:52,461 --> 00:17:54,663
I'm not even hooked up
to the machine.
443
00:17:55,799 --> 00:17:56,833
♪♪
444
00:17:59,836 --> 00:18:01,470
-Hi, Mr. Fielding,
I'm just finishing up
445
00:18:01,504 --> 00:18:02,873
your performance review.
446
00:18:02,906 --> 00:18:04,775
I just gotta dot the i's
and cross the t's
447
00:18:04,808 --> 00:18:08,245
and circle your last day
on the calendar.
448
00:18:08,277 --> 00:18:09,578
-Uh, actually, Tad, we're here
449
00:18:09,612 --> 00:18:12,182
to give you
a performance review.
450
00:18:12,215 --> 00:18:14,785
You're young,
so please explain this to me.
451
00:18:14,818 --> 00:18:17,419
With all of humanity's
greatest art and culture
452
00:18:17,453 --> 00:18:18,855
at your fingertips,
453
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,557
why do you spend
so much time watching this?
454
00:18:21,590 --> 00:18:25,128
-I believe it's called
"Dancing Grannies."
455
00:18:25,162 --> 00:18:29,498
-Oh, yeah. I love those vids.
So funny.
456
00:18:29,532 --> 00:18:31,400
-Is it all dancing
you find funny?
457
00:18:31,433 --> 00:18:34,370
Because we looked through your
likes and [ Stammers ]
458
00:18:34,403 --> 00:18:36,072
it's mostly grannies.
459
00:18:36,106 --> 00:18:38,307
-And it's not just
grannies dancing,
460
00:18:38,340 --> 00:18:40,342
it's grannies
falling down
461
00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:43,512
and some grannies being scared
by Halloween decorations
462
00:18:43,546 --> 00:18:45,882
that turn out
to be people.
463
00:18:46,917 --> 00:18:48,852
I think you might be ageist.
464
00:18:48,885 --> 00:18:50,319
-No, I'm not ageist.
465
00:18:50,352 --> 00:18:52,421
I just think it's funny
when you people dance.
466
00:18:52,454 --> 00:18:54,257
-[ Both ]
You people?
467
00:18:54,291 --> 00:18:56,358
-Okay, that was a slip.
468
00:18:56,392 --> 00:18:58,661
But I-I-I love the elderly.
469
00:18:58,695 --> 00:19:01,698
I'm the grandson of two memaws
and a pop-pop.
470
00:19:01,731 --> 00:19:05,836
-So you can't be ageist
because you have old friends.
471
00:19:05,869 --> 00:19:08,972
Tad, Tad, Tad.
472
00:19:09,005 --> 00:19:11,540
When I hear things like that,
I don't feel --
473
00:19:11,574 --> 00:19:14,211
Oh, Julianne,
what's the word?
474
00:19:14,244 --> 00:19:16,213
-Satisfied?
475
00:19:16,246 --> 00:19:17,781
-No, don't do
anything crazy.
476
00:19:17,814 --> 00:19:19,316
I've never been
red button-ed before.
477
00:19:19,348 --> 00:19:21,517
Those frowns go
straight to the mayor.
478
00:19:21,550 --> 00:19:23,320
-Okay. Wait.
Just listen up.
479
00:19:23,352 --> 00:19:24,754
My generation
went to the moon.
480
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,957
We invented the computer
and the cell phone.
481
00:19:26,990 --> 00:19:30,260
We were the Beatles
and David Foster Wallace and
482
00:19:30,293 --> 00:19:33,629
Margaret Atwood and Viagra
and the hula hoop.
483
00:19:33,662 --> 00:19:37,267
And I have earned the right
to identify with you
484
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:40,603
as little as I want.
485
00:19:40,636 --> 00:19:42,671
-Forget the review.
You can have your job.
486
00:19:42,706 --> 00:19:45,108
Just keep me green.
I'll do whatever you want.
487
00:19:45,141 --> 00:19:47,543
-We want you
to dance, Tad.
488
00:19:51,181 --> 00:19:52,782
-Thank you for doing this,
Julianne.
489
00:19:52,816 --> 00:19:54,918
-You know me.
I'm up for anything.
490
00:19:54,951 --> 00:19:57,087
Also, I took one
of those pills I found,
491
00:19:57,120 --> 00:20:00,056
so you might have to carry
me home.
492
00:20:00,090 --> 00:20:05,427
-Tad, that's not dancing.
Don't skip the whip.
493
00:20:05,461 --> 00:20:07,330
-You guys are so mean.
494
00:20:07,364 --> 00:20:09,699
I wish you were
my Peloton instructor.
495
00:20:11,634 --> 00:20:13,169
-I'm a good rapper.
496
00:20:13,203 --> 00:20:15,471
[ Machine beeping ]
Damn it!
497
00:20:15,504 --> 00:20:16,873
[ Knocking on door ]
498
00:20:16,907 --> 00:20:18,440
-Good news.
Tad had a change of heart.
499
00:20:18,474 --> 00:20:22,812
Seems like I'm qualified
to keep my job as a free lawyer.
500
00:20:22,846 --> 00:20:24,647
-Why did you let
that guy get to you?
501
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,116
You never care what
people think.
502
00:20:26,149 --> 00:20:28,385
-No, I didn't care
what Tad thinks.
503
00:20:28,417 --> 00:20:29,685
Care what you think.
504
00:20:29,719 --> 00:20:31,587
Hearing that you guys
are just humoring me,
505
00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:33,290
that you think of me
as the old man,
506
00:20:33,323 --> 00:20:36,326
that hurt a little.
507
00:20:36,359 --> 00:20:39,195
You don't know what it's like,
but you will.
508
00:20:43,833 --> 00:20:46,736
-No wise man ever wished
to be younger.
509
00:20:46,770 --> 00:20:48,338
-Jonathan Swift reference?
510
00:20:48,371 --> 00:20:50,240
I didn't know
you were a Swiftie.
511
00:20:50,273 --> 00:20:51,741
-[ Chuckles ]
512
00:20:51,775 --> 00:20:55,946
I Google all
the old-timey crap you say.
513
00:20:55,979 --> 00:20:59,349
It's led to a lot of targeted
ads for reverse mortgages
514
00:20:59,382 --> 00:21:02,618
and a device that helps
you put on your socks.
515
00:21:03,420 --> 00:21:05,822
-I have that.
It's good.
516
00:21:06,923 --> 00:21:08,892
-I want to be just like you
when I grow up.
517
00:21:08,925 --> 00:21:10,794
-Uh-huh. Well, I want to be
just like you
518
00:21:10,827 --> 00:21:12,996
if I grow down.
519
00:21:14,030 --> 00:21:17,434
-Oh, you want to see a video
of Tad dancing?
520
00:21:17,466 --> 00:21:20,337
Also happens to be a video
of Tad crying.
521
00:21:20,370 --> 00:21:22,571
-[ Chuckles ]
522
00:21:23,472 --> 00:21:25,342
-It's funny.
523
00:21:25,375 --> 00:21:29,079
♪♪
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