Original subtitles

Hwah!

Hwah! Freeze!

Hwah!

- Let me out! - Well, let me out.

Hwah!

Wow.

Hwah!

Hello, everybody!

It's your boy Sheriff.

Man, I am so excited to be on my favorite show, "Sheriffs."

I'm probably the toughest sheriff

you guys have ever filmed.

Isn't that right, Abigail?

"That's right, Sheriff.

But don't forget, today is Momma's birthday."

Oh, that's right, Abigail! This is Momma.

Today's her birthday and I have no idea what to get her.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...

- mmm. - Sheriff, we have a 237

- on South Street. - Oh, a two three sev...

What's a 237?

Aah! Get your ass away from me, pervert!

Aah, ga, ga, ga, ga, ga!

All right, all right!

Break it up.

Somebody wanna tell me what's goin' on here?

I was here just tryin' to sell my products

and this mime tried to hump me!

Linda don't just be givin' it away, Sheriff!

She holdin' out!

- Mm-hmm. - Is this true, mime?

Yeah.

All right, well, his story checks out.

- You're free to go, mime. - Hey!

So, Linda, whatcha selling today, huh?

I need to get Momma something for her birthday.

How about these earrings?!

Eh, I don't know.

Get back here, you humping mime!

Well, the thing about humpin' mimes is

you never hear them comin',

but I'll find 'im. Sooner or later,

every bad guy has to face the sher...

Sheriff, we have a two nine si...

Uh, robbery in progress at Old Town Gas.

Ah, that's my boy Carl's place!

Yeah, hurry up...

Put all the money in the bag!

Hold it right there, robber!

You okay, Carl?

Carl's cool.

Yeah, I guess I'm fine, Sheriff.

Just calm down, Carl! I'll handle this!

Now, listen here, robber!

Oh, money would be a great gift to give Momma for her birthday!

You can't give your momma money for her birthday.

Do something more thoughtful! Like, uh...

buy her a nice dinner or something.

Gee, thanks, mister!

Hey, Carl, you got any nice dinners here?

- Um, uh, Sheriff, I... - Actually, oh look!

This'll do great, Carl!

Momma's Favorite Beans!

It's perfect!

- Sheriff. - What, Carl?!

Jeez, man, I'm in the middle of something, dude!

Uh, the robber got away with my money?

All right, we're lookin' for the humpin' mime and the robber.

But in the meantime,

I got the perfect birthday present for Momma!

Ha, booyah.

Oh, sorry, Goodmans.

Hello Sheriff. Hey! I see you're filming there.

Hi, my name is... No no no no no.

This is my show. Say, uh,

you guys seen a humpin' mime or a robber?

No. But I've seen a car-thief!

What?

- Hey! - My car now.

Hey.

Bye, car-thief!

Bye, Mr. Pickles!

Oh, no! Momma's birthday present was in there!

All right,

we're lookin' for the humpin' mime,

the robber, and the car-thief.

Aah! My cruiser!

Don't worry, folks.

We got Momma's beans back.

Phew! Wait a minute.

What's this barbecue sauce doin' here?

It's leadin' up into these woods.

Car-thief must be havin' a barbecue

up here in these woods.

Let's follow this trail, see where it leads.

What? You're not a car-thief!

- You're a car-thief donkey-sexer! - Woof!

Hey, stop sexing that donkey

and put your hands where I can see 'em!

All right, come on,

car-thief donkey-sexer.

Aah! Hey, midget! You're supposed to be in jail!

We prefer to be called little people!

Those are Momma's beans!

- Not anymore. - Hey, get back here!

Those are for my momma-a-a-a-a!

Well, that midget took my clothes and my gun,

but at least I still got Momma's birthday present...

What's left of it, anyway.

Where'd the car-thief donkey-sexer go?

Hey, stop eating my engine,

you stupid donkey!

All right, we're lookin'

for a humpin' mime, a robber,

- Hey. Hey, I'm on TV! - An escaped midget convict,

and the car-thief donkey-sexer.

Put some clothes on, Sheriff!

Oh, hey, Mrs. Milton.

Sorry, a midget took my clothes.

I'll tell ya about it later.

First things first,

I have to go home and get some new clothes.

Sheriff! Help!

Uh, what seems to be

- the problem, huh? - These bad boys keep sneaking

into the club and peeping at the girls.

Yeah, we saw all their naked parts.

There were these parts.

Eh woo, hoo hoo ha ha!

Yeah, and this part.

Ohhh! And then they did this.

Stop that! They probably can't show that on TV.

Hey, uh, you know, I've been working on an idea

for a TV show, if you guys want to hear about it.

No no no no. This is my show.

Bouncer, we need more stringless tampons.

Sheriff? Why are you naked with a can of beans?

My sister, Candy.

She always gives Momma the better present,

but not this time.

I got Momma these beans.

Seriously?

You think a partially eaten can of beans

is a good birthday present?

Well, it was full before a midget ate some.

Bad news, Sheriff:

I'm already takin' Momma to dinner.

- What?! - At the fancy restaurant!

You need to be there at 7:00.

With your can of beans.

Aw, dang it!

- Let's get outta here! - Hey!

You're just gonna let them get away?

Quick, donkey, go get them!

Candy, you got any clothes I can borrow?

All right, we're lookin' for the humpin' mime, the robber,

the car-thief donkey-sexer, the midget convict,

and the bad boys,

but I still need a gift for Momma's birthday!

Hey, look, a gift shop!

Where are you going?

Shouldn't you be working?

Uh, but I need a gift

for Momma... Oh, right, here you are.

- Aah, it's perfect! - Now go get to the humping.

Oh, I know. I got humped, too.

Say what?! Yo, where that money at?

Oh, there was this robber who...

- Someone stole from you? - Yep, took my cruiser.

And then there was this donkey-sex thing.

- What?! - Oh! You dirty bitch.

I told you we tryin' to run a classy business!

No, I didn't have sex with the donkey.

- Oh, sorry! - Thanks.

- Yeah, then this midget... - Midget?!

They prefer to be called little people,

- you offensive. - All: Bitch!

Right, he told me that before he forced me to strip.

You were at the strip club.

Then you must have some tips, hmm...?

Yeah, here's a tip: Those bad boys went that way.

But, don't worry, I'll find 'em.

- Right, fellas? - Huh?

Hey, I'm on TV!

No, no, this is my show!

Bitch, don't you talk back to me!

That's it!

You're under arrest!

- Oh, no, undercover sheriff! - Get off off of him!

- Run, bitches! - Get back here!

We're lookin' for the humpin' mime, the robber,

the car-thief donkey-sexer,

the escaped midget convict, the bad boys,

and the pimp and the prostitutes.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

They went this way.

Oh, this place is pretty creepy.

Never even noticed this place before.

Mm, what's this?

Pretty weird stuff, man.

Yeah, you should be scared, No!

- 'Cause you're under arrest. - No!

The car-thief donkey-sexer is here, too!

Aah! That's not a car-thief donkey-sexer.

That's a car-thief donkey-sexer murderer.

Hey, come back here,

car-thief donkey-sexer murderer!

Make sure you're rollin'.

You're gonna get the good stuff now, baby.

All right, check it, we got a car-thief

donkey-sexer murderer on the loose.

Well, good thing Old Town's got a really tough sheriff.

Help! Ohhh!

Aah! What was that?!

Uh, like I was sayin',

no matter how scary things get...

I swear I heard something.

Oh, man, I almost went pee-pee in my panties.

I-I mean, no matter how scary things get,

a sheriff must always wear a badge of courage.

You guys can edit some of this stuff out, right?

Car-thief donkey-sexer murderer!

Come out with your hands up,

or I will make my gun go.

"Bang, bang, bang! Pow, pow!"

Sheriff talk.

- No, don't do that, dog! - What?

I'm not your dog, dawg. I'm the sheriff!

Come out with your hands up.

No! What are you doin', dog?!

What do you think I'm doin'?

I'm puttin' you in jail!

No, don't put me in there!

Well, if you don't wanna go to jail,

then don't be a criminal, you silly head.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Stop right there!

- Aaaaaaaaaaaaah! - Or I will shoot!

Damn, bitch!

He's dead.

Whah?! Oh, no! I'm late for Momma's birthday dinner!

Oh, but I can't go, dressed like thi-i-i-s!

- What are you doin' here, Mr. Pickles? - Arf!

Momma!

Sheriff?!

I was trying to find you the perfect present all day,

but I failed,

and now I don't have anything to give you.

But, Sheriff,

you did give me a present.

Hey, that's me!

My boy is a hero.

And that's the best present a momma could get.

Happy Birthday, Momma.

Gotcha, Candy.

- Are we ready to order? - Yes, I'll have the beans.

In a can, please.

Seriously?!

Oh, looks like I got you another present, Momma.

- Ha! Mine now! - Hey, get back here,

midge-e-e-e-e-e-e-t!

Well, we'll find that little stinker, eventually.

You can hide, but you can't run.

- Help! Hey! - I mean,

- Stop looking up my dress! - You can run...

- Get back here! Aaaaaaah! - Wait, you can run...

Look, basically, I'm sayin'... Help, he's robbin' me!

Nothin' gets past me, 'cause, sooner or later

- every bad guy has to face. - Oh, help!

- This mime is humping me. - The sheriff!

- Hi, Will. - Hi, Dave.