Original subtitles

Push, push, push!

I can't do it! It hurts! I hate you, bitch!

Hey!

Sorry, but the expectant mother often lashes out at her support system.

Lainy, why do we have to play "mom" every day?

I don't even want to be a mom.

Never say that, Kate.

Being a mom is the greatest thing a human being can do.

And someday, when we do it for real,

we're gonna have to be there for each other.

- Because our moms are dead. - Mm-hmm.

Now hold my hand! I'm crowning!

♪ The hotel above and the street below People come... ♪

Lainy, did you call me just to yawn?

Kate, I can't dictate what my body needs.

But you really think it's happening today?

Are you serious?

He's taking you to a fancy restaurant on your anniversary.

He's going to propose!

I mean, he said he has something very special to ask you. It's happening.

Oh, gosh! I can't handle it.

Okay, so you really think today is the day?

I know today is the day.

And today is also the day that I find a gray pube,

because I just found a gray pube. Wow.

Ooh, can I see?

- Get the hell out of here! - Okay. All right.

It'll make your bush look wiser.

Now this thing is going to look like Steve Martin by the summer.

Goddammit. Mark, where are my tweezers that are supposed to be just for me?

Oh, God, are you okay?

All good. That's why I leave the pillows there.

Found it. Sorry about that. Had a nasty-ass ingrown.

- Get out. - Okay.

Goddammit.

Are you going to say yes?

Uh, yes.

Yeah, marriage!

I've been waiting for this moment for so long.

Honey, it's happening.

Do I have a mustache?

No, you're insane.

No, do I have a fucking mustache?

I love you so much. I'll see you at school.

- Bye. - Hey, do I have a fucking mustache?

Oh my God, Mark? Mark?

Yeah?

Oh, this time you don't come in. Come in!

Okay. Just...

Oh...

Oh, babe.

- Oh my God. - We're having a baby.

We're gonna have a baby.

Why is it wet?

It's piss, Mark.

"Oh, Romeo! Romeo! Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

"Deny thy father and refuse thy name,

or if thou wilt not,

be but sworn, my love,

I'll no longer be a Capulet."

Ms. Newton...

I'm unbelievably uncomfortable right now.

Okay. Thank you for expressing that to me, Brett.

Go ahead, take your seat.

Now, does everyone understand

what's happening in this masterful text?

Yeah, Juliet's trying to smash.

Yes. Very funny, Liam. That is one way of looking at it.

But it's more pure than that.

These two people are in love, and that's how you all got here.

Your parents fell in love,

and then you gave them the greatest gift of all...

when you made them mommies and daddies.

You have a mustache.

I knew it.

Oh!

Everyone, work on your summaries, okay?

Hi.

Hey, smoke show, I left my watch at home.

Mind grabbing it on the way to dinner?

Makes everything else I'm wearing look a little better, you know?

Sure, I can grab it.

Sounds like you want to look really sharp for tonight.

I gotta look good for you, babe.

Thanks for getting the watch. I'll see you tonight.

You got it. Bye.

You look happy. I don't like it.

I think Dave's popping the question tonight.

Ooh!

I guess I can free myself up to be maid of honor.

I can't do weekends, though.

Yeah. I don't know if you'll have to worry about that.

What are you doing here?

I'm a guidance counselor, so I'm guiding.

A lot of lost souls in this school.

If it wasn't for me, it would be a shitshow.

Hey!

Where were you?

You smell like cocaine. I'll be back.

We can talk about dresses later.

What have you got in your locker? Eight ball, nine ball?

♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪

♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪

♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪

♪ I ain't never rep a set, baby ♪

♪ Ain't do no wrong ♪

Wait till I decorate this place.

♪ 'Cause I want to make it, so badly... ♪

Ah!

There you are.

- ♪ Don't at me ♪ - ♪ Hell no ♪

♪ You rep my city for so damn long ♪

Oh, Dave.

Size four? I love that you think that.

♪ Do it, baby, do what I should think ♪

♪ Do it, baby, do what I could think ♪

Gosh.

Sorry. Hi.

Don't get up.

- Hey, babe. - Hi.

Did you see I had a little stumble on the stairs?

A stumble?

I think that girl tripped me.

You look nice. I like the dress.

Well, thank you. I'm a little tight.

I feel like I'm breathing through a straw.

But we're all going to end up that way someday, right?

I'm just joking about getting old and dying.

Let's order.

Showtime.

So, anyway, um...

Four years, me and you, long-ass time.

You're telling me.

And I was thinking to myself,

"Dave, it's time to level this shit up."

- Yeah, level it up. - Right?

The champagne you ordered, sir.

I got it, thanks. You guys can go.

We're in the middle of something really important.

Let's go.

Lainy... ...I want you to make me the luckiest man alive.

Bon appétit.

Oh my God. It's beautiful.

This is it, right? It's here?

Aw...

Where you at?

What the... What are you doing?

I am... I...

Sorry, I thought...

Um... I'm just really nervous,

but say what you were saying, don't worry about this.

Lainy...

I want us...

to have a threesome.

Uh, a what what?

A threesome.

Look, babe, our relationship is strong.

Let's open it up, right?

Oh, uh, this is Moira.

Hi! Davey's told me so much about you.

Oh, it's my dress. I knew I left it over there.

What the fuck, Dave? I thought you wanted to get married.

Lainy, come on.

You can't have a threesome with your wife.

- That's weird, right? - Yeah, that's gross.

Wife, weird. Girlfriend, cool.

Anyway, I'm going to pay for this check.

We'll go back to my apartment,

chisel you out of that dress, and see what happens.

Lainy, what the fuck?

Lainy, you are causing a scene.

You want a scene? You want a scene!

I'll show you a fucking scene! You want a scene?

Here's a scene coming at you and your dress!

Fuck you!

Lainy.

I didn't really eat dinner.

Lainy!

This food sucks.

It doesn't have to be Moira!

- Ms. Newton? - What?

Do you want me to hand out the quizzes?

No.

It's going to be an oral exam.

What?

I'm assuming you're all familiar with oral.

Little perverts.

Brett.

What is Romeo and Juliet about?

Oh, um, it's a beautiful love story.

Wrong answer.

Boo. Everyone boo Brett.

Boo.

- Really "boo" him. - Boo!

Boo! Very naive.

Who was it?

Ah! Liam.

Yes. Liam, will you remind us, what is Romeo and Juliet really about?

Romeo just wants a piece?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Right answer!

Tell him what he's won! A big fat dose of reality, kids.

Because guess what?

Romeo doesn't just want Juliet. No!

Romeo wants pussy from all over fair Verona.

And he wants a fucking threesome with Moira?

Have you ever heard of Moira?

What's a threesome?

A threesome? Glad you asked this.

Okay, everybody take notes, because this is important.

Get out your phone calculators and whatever else the fuck you want.

A threesome is when three people...

do what only two people should do.

Like a seesaw?

Exactly like a seesaw!

You know what? Pass your books to the front.

Everybody pass copies of your books to the front.

Come on, I don't have all day. Come on, give me the fucking books!

Let's go, let's go, come on!

- Hurry up! - I'm scared.

Is this about your mustache? 'Cause it looks a lot better.

This isn't about my mustache.

This is about the fact that Shakespeare...

is dog shit.

And love...

is a fucking lie.

Um, Ms. Newton, should we evacuate the school?

Mm-hmm.

♪ Look, shit got me tripping Fighting with my demons... ♪

Stay away from the fire. We're not sure how it got lit.

We'll get to the bottom of it.

Get out, kids! We're gonna die! Get out!

I don't want to burn to death! Get out!

♪ It don't come with a coupon ♪

♪ And they'll never catch it Like a ♪♪♪♪♪ with no arms ♪

♪ Baby, I'm trippin' My feelings been fryin' me ♪

♪ I blame it all on anxiety I had two chops... ♪

All right, guys, come on. Hurry up, let's go.

♪ They showing real love That's unlikely ♪

♪ Fuck you, I ain't ask you to like me ♪

♪ Watch for that snake, he might bite me Watch out for anybody... ♪

Excuse me. Sorry. Everyone, stay warm.

Stay calm.

Okay. Excuse me.

♪ Anxiety, keep on trying me ♪

♪ Feel it quietly ♪

♪ Tryna silence me, yeah ♪

♪ Anxiety... ♪

♪ Somebody's watching me... ♪

Hi.

Oh, honey. I am so sorry.

It's not your fault.

Look at me.

You are the moon. And the stars.

And he is a dirty diaper.

A tampon landfill monster.

I just thought he was the one.

You know, like the one, one.

Fuck Dave.

You don't need him or any guy.

I want a family.

That's my dream.

You will have that dream. Anyone can.

Anyone except for me,

because Dave wants to explore new vagina holes and butt holes.

What about my holes?

My holes aren't good enough to shit a baby out of?

Okay, can you stop saying holes?

Sorry, it's just thinking about a baby's thick head

coming out of my hole is just too much.

I can't take that right now. Oh, thank you.

You're not drinking. You look like shit.

You don't want to talk about holes. Are you fucking pregnant?

- No! - No?

No! Get rid of it!

What?

No, I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

I'm sorry. God.

I just... I thought that I would have a baby first

and you would wait too long and, you know,

try and adopt and that wouldn't really pan out

and you would just get some weird pet, like, off-brand,

like a ferret or some shit. I don't know.

But I'm so happy for you.

A baby?

Lainy, I didn't want to tell you right now.

Please don't be mad.

Stop! Why would I be mad at you?

A baby. I'm so happy for you.

Well, I mean...

Yes, but you just demanded I have an abortion.

This is terrible timing. I thought that you would be engaged

and I'd be pregnant and it'd be so nice, but I...

No, it's fine. It is nice.

It's amazing.

You're having a baby.

I know. It's so weird.

So crazy.

Thank you for knowing I was gonna need to eat.

Yeah, I knew.

To just celebrating you and not thinking about Dave.

Hi, I'm Dave, and we're the Threesomes.

This is the first song off our debut album, Threesome.

It's called "Threesome."

Are you sure you're all good to be here today?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

I'm, uh, fine.

Being at work is the best thing for me right now.

Why would you want a family anyway

when you're working with these bleeding hemorrhoids all day?

You heard me, Liam.

You're the only teacher who can't swim.

Lots of people can't swim.

I'm gonna fuck his dad, become his stepmom,

and put him up for adoption.

We're not supposed to threaten them.

Lanes, this is me. You got this, bitch. You're the GOAT.

Don't talk like that in front of the baby.

It's not even a baby yet, it's just an embryo.

It's not even an embryo, it's just fermenting cum.

It's just sitting in there like...

Thank you so much for that visual today.

Ha! Golden Girls, Golden Girls.

Wow. How do you even know that show? Aren't you too young?

No, I looked up older lady references so I could connect with you guys,

my senior coworkers.

Now, let me see the hand.

I need to go live with this to show my followers.

- No, you don't need to see my hand. - Let me see. Stop.

Okay.

- Oh, no. - No, it's good.

Looks like I got some bad intel.

No, it's actually really good.

I decided I wasn't ready to settle down.

Really? At your age, honey?

Because aren't you in your, like...

forties?

Yes, I am. Are you okay?

- I'm so sorry. - It's fine. Please.

- Okay. - Okay.

God, I hate her.

She's the worst.

It's like, look at that. She's a teacher of children.

Are you allowed to smoke in here?

Yeah, it's just pot.

Can you believe that tarantula's gonna be a mother?

Shirley's pregnant?

Yeah.

Her and Kate will be together all the time,

which frees us up to work on our friendship.

One, two. One, two. One, five, six, seven, eight.

No, no, no.

Oh, God. Would you talk to me?

Please.

- Hi! - Would you just talk to me?

Lainy. Oh, my God, what are you doing here?

- Oh, getting coffee. It's a coffee shop. - You okay?

- I'm good. - Want to talk about it?

- Nope. - Chin up.

- Okay, please get off of me. - My God, sad outfit.

I'm just catching up with a good friend, so I can't really talk.

Who's this?

Um...

Latte.

- His name's Latte? - Yeah.

Yeah. It's, you know, just spelled like latte.

Would you please?

I did not know you were such a little slut.

- Okay. Please. - I love this for you. So proud.

Okay. Thank you.

No, I don't... want to do this.

Can I use your bathroom?

- Yeah. Right there. - Oh, God.

She stresses me out.

Sorry, I work with her. She's the worst.

She's always just, like, talking to me, you know?

Kind of like, I guess, what I'm doing to you right now.

Well, you gotta pay that stuff forward, right?

Wait a second.

Old Navy?

Oh my gosh. This is really amazing.

Are you my mirror?

- No, it's not good. - We got to work on our mirror work.

Look, I don't want to upset you,

but Old Navy is in no way affiliated with the Navy.

- What? - I know, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, no. - Somebody had to tell you.

You're old enough to know now.

I have to stop thanking all their employees for their service.

Yeah, and applying for veterans' benefits.

What is your name again?

My name is Latte.

- No, stop. What was your real name? - My name is Josh.

- Josh? - Yeah.

Well...

Black cold brew for Josh.

- That's me. - Cold brew in the winter?

- And... - You don't have to say it. I'm right here.

- You don't... - Kid's hot chocolate with...

a crazy-slash-ridiculous amount of whipped cream.

So much whipped cream that it's pretty much a milkshake.

For Sasha Fierce.

- Wow. - Thank you. Very thorough.

You can give them any name you want.

I'm trying to live out loud.

- Well, that's deafening. - Yeah.

Yeah.

All right. I'm going this way, which...

- I'm over here. - All right.

- Have a nice day. - You too.

See you when we're both swabbing the deck.

What's that?

I was going for another Old Navy... bit.

Oh, yeah. Uh, anchors away. Land ho!

What'd you call me?

Oh! Sorry. Land sophisticated lady.

Bye, Latte.

Ms. Fierce.

Everything's so soft here.

I know.

Oh, God, these mannequins are really freaking me out.

That's what you're going to look like.

I'm with child.

- Sanpellegrino. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Man, my boobs really hurt.

- Really? - Yeah.

And I can't stop puking.

- Oh, that's cute. - Gross.

Does it look like "picking up the boys from soccer"?

You know, this store is just... It's a little much, right?

Yeah, no, it's like, it's awful. We didn't have to do this.

You dragged me in here. I wanted to get a pedicure.

No, no, no.

I just want you to see how supportive I am.

And you are. I always feel supported by you.

If this is too hard, that's okay.

No, it's not tough for me.

I've just...

I've been feeling a little lonely lately, but I, uh...

You know, you probably don't even remember what that's like.

Uh, married people can feel very lonely.

I have been really horny, though.

- Really? - I can't stop masturbating to weird stuff.

Oh.

- Like The Golden Bachelor. - Yeah?

Something about it. Maybe because my dad left?

Okay. You know, we should have more, like, secrets.

What's wrong?

- I'm gonna throw up my acai bowl. - Oh.

- You want me to hold your hair? - No. I'm okay.

Yeah. I'm 11 months, he won't come out.

I'm gonna start charging him rent. It's so hard.

Miss, are you all right in there? Do you need another size?

No, I don't. Thank you.

Oh, sweetheart.

I know. You're adjusting to the changes your body is going through.

Just remember, this is a gift.

You and your husband must be so excited.

Or your wife. Or your...

DoorDash driver.

Oh.

Uh, can I have a moment? Can we have a moment?

Women are miracles. How far along are you?

Maybe, judging by your facial bloating, five months?

- I'll break your fucking neck. - What was that?

I've been a freaking wreck.

Well, I would be too if my ankles were that big.

So how long have you been pregnant?

Thanksgiving. It's my favorite parade.

What?

I'm gonna go and get you a burrito, and then I'm gonna rub your feet.

- You need to be pampered. - Yes, I do.

- Okay, stay right there. - Yes. I will.

Okay.

Lainy?

- Come on. - Do I have anything on my face?

No, you're great. You know, everyone likes water.

Hey, you've reached Dave.

- And Moira. - And Andy.

We're busy right now.

Leave a message.

Get your finger out of there.

Hi!

- I heard you coming. - How you doing?

- Oh, my gosh. - You good?

Yeah. I'm good.

I texted you last night. Did you get it?

Mmm! So great. You guys do a great job.

Mazel, mazel, mazel.

Thank you.

Congratulations, Mama.

Oh, thanks.

Looking good, Mama.

Oh!

Thanks.

Bro, move, she's pregnant.

Pregnant.

The next stop is Metropolitan Avenue/Lorimer Street.

Oh, oh.

Thanks, yeah.

- You look so beautiful. - Yeah.

Oh, thank you.

It's like your skin is glowing.

Wow.

It's probably because I'm pregnant.

Mom, I want to get pregnant.

- I want to get pregnant tonight. - What? No, no, you don't.

- Not when you're 15. - You never let me do anything!

Sorry.

Fuck you.

Hey. Thanks.

Everyone settle.

Mamaste.

Mamaste.

Let's all take a slow breath into our space of motherhood.

Inhale and pull up from the vagina.

And exhale through your butthole.

Up, up, up through the vagina.

And out the anus butt.

Now open your eyes.

Welcome.

Before we begin, any new mamas here today?

There's a new next to me.

Mamaste.

- Mamaste. - Mamaste.

Mama some. Moccasin.

How many weeks are you?

We do the Mayan calendar,

so it's like Labor Day, leap year,

Thanksgiving.

Sorry, I'm in my space still, but do your class.

Let's keep those in now.

You are so very welcome here today.

Now let's all get into happy baby or whatever pose feels right to you.

Okay...

Hmm... Oh!

Holy fuck! Oh, God.

I'm okay. I'm fine.

- Please don't touch me. - I just want to make sure that the baby...

Hey, hey, step away from her.

If she wants help, she will ask.

Hey, hey.

Thank you so much for standing up for me in there.

Of course. Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm fine. Yeah.

The energy in there was just like a little nuts.

- Right, yeah. - Thought I would try the yoga thing...

but that was obviously not for me.

It smelled like a fucking queef salad in there.

Yeah, it did.

Right? It's disgusting.

- Yeah. I'm Megan. - Lainy.

Ugh, my hormones are out of control, and my husband is driving me insane.

I'm sure I don't have to tell you.

Well, actually, I don't have a husband, so you probably do have to tell me.

Oh, because I...

We're not together.

I'm single, doing it alone.

Bless you, that is so brave.

- Thank you. Yeah. - Yeah.

How's it going? How's your pregnancy going?

Perfect...

ly sucky.

- God, it sucks. - Yeah.

Right? I hope this little shit appreciates everything I'm going through.

- Well, it won't. - Right.

How are your nipples?

Real big.

No, no, no, I meant, are they dry?

Because mine are like scones.

So dry. I thought it was the only one.

No, I have the best nipple balm.

Really? Wow.

- You should get some of this. - Oh my God. Yes. Thank you so much.

God, I need it.

Ugh!

Is that a normal amount or...

A little bit actually does go a pretty long way...

- but that's okay. - Thank God.

Oh, little bit? Okay. I'll put the rest of it back.

Actually, why don't you keep it?

- Are you sure? - Yeah, totally.

- That's so nice. - Yeah.

I wish I had something cool to give you.

- You're so funny. - Thank you.

Is it weird if I ask you to hang out?

No, no, I would love to hang out.

- Amazing. - Yes.

Oh, fancy seeing you here.

- There's my guys. - Oh my God. So cute.

- Yeah. - Hi.

Cute little face almost tore my asshole open.

Why don't you come over for dinner this week?

- Hey! - Put yourself in. Here.

- Okay. - And I'm Steve, by the way.

- Hi. - Sorry, my husband, Steve.

Congratulations.

On what?

On being preg... pregnant?

Oh, yeah, I am pregnant.

- Oh... - Sorry, I...

Pregnant, loving it, but hating it. Ugh! God.

- Right? - All right. Well, we'll see you later.

Yeah. Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. Bye, little cutie.

Why are you so early?

Was that early?

What the fuck am I doing?

Thanks for coming to this.

Hey, I want to spend time with you.

If that means I'm going to Shirley's corny gender reveal party, so be it.

So, I was thinking about your baby shower,

and I think we should do, like, a Real Housewives of New Jersey theme.

- Like, big hair, long nails. - Yeah?

- Like, really go for it. - Yeah.

Well, um, it's just going to have to be a joint baby shower.

Joint with who?

Oh, my God, you're so pretty! Oh, oh...

Sad. Your life.

Okay.

I'm so proud of you.

Wait, come outside. We are about to do the reveal. Ah, ah!

- So squishy. Okay, come on, guys. - Okay.

Piñata time! Let's go.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Gather round, mother fingerers, I want to make a toast.

Well, looks like I got my baby girl pregnant.

Whoopsie daisy.

Turns out my scrote gravy's more potent than I thought,

shooting premium gasolina.

This guy's the reason there's so many lesbians now.

All right, should we fuck up this baby or what?

Hold on! I want to do a speech.

It's my time, baby.

- Yeah, go ahead. - I love you.

- I love you. - I love you.

Aw.

- I'm going to go kill myself. - No, no, no.

So, we weren't sure if it should be Rawn or me who whack the piñata

to reveal our baby's gender.

But we have finally decided that the honor

should go to someone who's gone through some really tough times lately.

So, I thought this might lift that 200-pound spirit off the ground.

Lainy, get up here and whack this baby!

- Lucky. - Stop.

Uh, yeah, I'd rather not.

Boo!

Go. Come on.

Okay, got it. Thank you.

- Yeah, give it a whack! - Okay.

Okay, I really don't understand why I'm the one doing this.

Fuck the haters.

I'm okay. I'm okay.

- Oh my God! - She can't swim!

- Shit. - She can't swim!

Hang on!

It's a girl! It's red inside!

It's blood! That's your blood!

Whoo!

I'm gonna...

- Oh, God. - Fuck you, Lainy!

She can't swim!

- Lainy, hi. - Hi.

- Come in. - Thank you. Thank you.

- Oh my God. It's so nice. - Oh, thank you.

Yeah. I brought you a book. I think you'll dig her.

Why are you so sweet?

I'm just a really great person.

Should I take my shoes off or...

Uh, yeah, I mean only if you don't mind stepping on food.

Our place is so dirty, it should just be condemned.

Hey, he's got the knives again, Steve!

I'm on it!

Sorry.

Connor!

Connor, come here, buddy!

Connor!

- Oh, you! - Hi!

He went that way.

- Okay. - Yeah.

I've had such a day.

And this gives me such bad heartburn, but I don't even care.

- Thank you. - Of course.

To treating pregnant women like people and believing in science.

Hear, hear!

- Cheers. - Cheers, thank you.

Daddy saves the day. No harm done.

Amazing.

Oh, and I hope you don't mind, but I invited my brother to dinner.

He just moved into our garage.

You make him sound like a loser.

Well, just temporarily.

Broke up with this horse twat.

Ever since then, he's just, like, been walking around in sweats.

Pathetic.

Mmm.

You don't drink, Steve?

No. I am in the program.

Yeah, child of an alcoholic right here...

- so I get it. - Oh, no, no.

I'm just a pretty big follower of Jada's Red Table Talk.

Mmm.

And she thinks it's harmful for men to drink.

- Great. - Plus, I'm a really angry drunk.

Like, terrible.

- Steve. - I don't remember, but it happens.

I do.

Oh. Speak of the queen. New episode, just dropped.

- Perfect timing. - See y'all later.

The deadbeat crashing in your garage is here.

Hi.

Oh, my God, Latte.

What?

Lainy.

Wow.

You guys know each other?

- Yeah, we do. We met a few weeks ago... - Yeah.

But you didn't seem like you were...

Rockin' a baby?

Yeah, exactly.

Old Navy clothes. You can hide anything in there, right?

Wow.

- This is nuts. - Where did you two meet?

A coffee shop. I feel like I was just buying coffee,

and then he just came up to me and started talking my ear off.

And usually I wouldn't talk to a stranger,

but it seemed like he really needed someone.

Yeah, and Lainy got some kind of pudding milkshake?

Huh. Was it a pudding milk... It was...

I remember there being a lot more nutrition in it than that, but...

- Should've gotten a double. Yeah. - I did.

- Oh, you did? Okay. - I actually did.

So, is your husband here?

I don't have a husband.

Wow. Josh. That's very subtle.

What? I can, you know, ask anything.

It's not like I'm saying, "Hey, are you single?"

I mean, you're single, though?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

This is just from, like, a one-night thing, so...

- Okay. I mean, great. - Yeah.

On Thanksgiving.

Really?

Wow.

- Yeah. - People usually stay home on Thanksgiving.

What a rebel.

Yeah. Not me. I get right out there.

I get those sweet Black Friday-eve deals.

You got pregnant at a Black Friday sale?

Yep. Nothing gets me riled up like a coupon for a Vitamix.

Yeah.

- Anybody want tea? I could go for some. - Sure.

- Can we make tea? - No, please. Yeah. Here, I got some.

- I'll have some black tea. - Oh.

Black tea. Cool guy.

That's me. You know, throw some honey in my shit.

Did I tell you I'm a tea-cher?

You did not tell me that.

What do you do?

I am the Chief Zamboni Officer at Wollman Rink.

- Wow. Cool. - Fire.

Yeah, fire. Or whatever my students say.

- No, no, no. You're on fire! - Oh my God! I'm on fire!

- Where's my phone? - Lainy!

Oh, my God! The baby!

She knows about the baby!

- Fuck this. - No! Steve!

Ten years! Are you kidding me?

Goddammit!

♪ Don't everybody like The taste of apple pie? ♪

♪ We'll snap for yo' slice of life I'm tellin' ya why... ♪

Lainy, are you okay in there? Can I help?

Um...

No, no, no. I'm all good.

It's just a tiny burn. It's very little. Don't worry about me.

I'm a teacher.

We deal with this sort of thing all the time.

Kids light themselves on fire?

I'm fine. Okay? Don't even think about it.

Okay, I'm coming in, but no touching without permission.

- I promise. - No, no, no. Hold on.

Give me just one second.

- You watch him. - Yeah.

Borrowed your robe.

You borrowed Steve's robe.

I'm okay, by the way. Like, I'm cool to go back out.

No, no, please.

Can we just stay here for like five more minutes?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just all so isolating.

Yeah.

And you haven't even had one yet.

Right.

They don't tell you.

Women don't share what it's like, what really happens.

- With pregnancy? - With birth.

Think about it. How many birth stories do you know?

- None. - Exactly.

I mean, some will talk about how many hours they labored for,

but that's it.

Why is that?

Because you go through this whole thing, this whole trauma,

and then just, bam, right away, you're a mom.

No time to process what's just happened or what's about to happen.

Right.

Did you have trauma with Connor?

It was actually after he came out.

Everything went awry.

I started bleeding out a lot, and...

Um...

He was on my chest, so I was actually in heaven.

I was so fine.

But what was happening wasn't okay. I was just losing a lot of blood.

And it was the first time I saw Steve scared.

Did you think you were going to, like, die?

Maybe.

God.

Did I just scare you?

No.

Can't wait.

Did your mom talk to you about your birth?

My mom died when I was like six, so...

I'm sorry, Lainy.

It's okay.

God, it's so nice to talk to someone real.

Meg, I have to tell you something.

I get it. We want to be pregnant so badly,

and then we finally are, and it's out of our control.

It's scary.

My postpartum was so bad with Connor, I didn't think I'd make it.

It's not that. I, um...

But to see you doing it, and how brave you are...

you give me strength.

Can you smell that? It's like burnt plastic or something.

No.

So I gave him my number. Maybe he calls.

I have no idea what I'm even hoping for at this point.

You know what I'm hoping?

I'm hoping that you get the psychological help

that you so desperately need.

Because you need help. You need not a little help.

You need a paramedic.

You need an ICU nurse. You need a doctor.

You need a psychologist.

You need a dentist and a proctologist to work together

and meet each other in the middle

near your foam belly and sort all of that shit out

and, boom, pull it out!

How dare you walk around with that fake fucking belly!

Can you keep it down?

I could. But I won't.

You don't just wake up one morning

and strap it on and now all of a sudden you're all fabulous and pregnant.

That's not how it works.

Honestly, what's going to happen if someone you know catches you with this?

What am I going to do?

You'll have a little miscarriage.

Oh my God. Little Susan.

You had all of the names in the world

and that's what you landed on for your fake baby?

Why am I listening to you?

You have three active restraining orders against you.

Which says to me there are three people out there

who sees my passion, who knows that I'm a go-getter.

Not you.

"I gave my number to someone, I hope they call."

Do I do that?

Fuck no! I show up at their work.

I show up at their house. I show up at their mother's house.

I'm fucking everywhere. And that is why...

Okay, well thank you so much for this very helpful feedback.

You're welcome.

Logan, get in here.

Results are back.

As predicted,

you're stupid.

Thanks for shopping with me.

Mark does not give one shit about this baby.

He does.

No, I don't even think he knows the due date.

I'm sure he knows the due date.

Mark, what's the due date?

I'm not hungry, babe.

- Exactly. - He's probably...

Exactly. Let's check out the baby monitors.

Why is all this shit in black and white?

I don't want the nursery to look like Tim Burton decorated it.

Well, babies can only see black and white in the first couple months.

- Really? - You didn't know that?

Where did you hear that?

Precious Little Strangers.

Precious Little... What is that? What?

It's an Instagram account.

You should be following it. I'm surprised you're not.

Like every pregnant woman follows it.

Okay, not every pregnant woman.

Are you okay? You, like, don't seem excited.

Well, why are you reading all this pregnancy stuff anyway?

Because I'm... I want you to see how...

Like, so I know what you're going through.

- Well, that's nice. - Yeah.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

It's probably just my hormones.

Hi.

No baby?

Way to pour salt on the wound, kid. He doesn't know what he's saying.

Why no baby?

Not everyone has a baby. Okay, kid, move along, please.

Me hurt baby?

What a little psycho.

- Yeah, okay. Let's go. - Connor!

No, that sounds like his mom.

- We should... - No. He needs to find his own way.

- It's the only chance he'll learn. - Stop! We've got to find his parents.

- Are you hiding? - I'm relaxing.

What are you hiding from?

Where did you go? Connor, come back here!

Connor? Come back here, please!

Balls.

Connor!

Oh, there you are.

Don't run away like that again, okay? Ever, ever, ever. Come here.

Lainy!

Hey.

Steve, what the hell?

It's called an empathy bump, all right?

So that I can feel your pain.

And, babe, I've got to say, really not that bad.

- Get the Mazda. - Yeah.

Let's go.

Where's Lainy?

I don't know. She just disappeared.

I'm really worried about her, you know?

No. You need to worry about yourself, okay?

Lainy is a self-sabotager.

Ugh.

I can tell you just learned that phrase.

No... What gave it away?

- Hello? - Hey, Lainy, it's Josh.

I hope I didn't catch you at a bad time.

No, no. I was just, um, reading to, uh, sick animals.

Oh. That's nice.

Look, I just wanted to see if you wanted to come by the rink this week.

Oh, gosh, let me check my schedule.

I'm so busy. Oh! Looks like I'm free. I'll be there.

Okay, well, how about tomorrow?

That'd be great.

Okay, awesome. I guess I'll see you tomorrow.

See you there.

Things are looking up.

God, this feels so good. I haven't done this since I was a teen.

It never gets old.

It's the best job in the world.

♪ She don't trust weathermen Holidays, born-agains ♪

♪ Anything that models peace ♪

I just loved books. I know it's corny, but, like,

they changed my life. And poetry.

- Who's your favorite? - Anne Sexton.

Ever hear of her?

Who hasn't heard of Anne Sexton? You know?

You?

Yes, me is one of those people.

Am I better on the ice than you thought I was gonna be?

Fuck!

- You okay? - Yeah.

- What if you just kinda like... - Oh!

All right, team...

- Sorry, I'm a little... - Nice job!

♪ Take her out dancing ♪

♪ Mister, you're missing it still ♪

Oh my God!

You know how to do anything cool, though?

♪ I don't know how to act ♪

♪ Slow motion for me, slow motion for me ♪

♪ Slow motion for me Move in slow motion for me ♪

How'd you know you were ready to be a mom?

Oh...

I mean...

Everyone wants that.

You wanna...

get married and have a baby.

Why shouldn't I want that?

No, I mean, I know...

I knew I wanted kids at a weirdly young age.

That's amazing. I...

You're so lucky you have your sister.

- I don't have siblings. - Yeah.

I, you know, I don't have family, so I don't wanna be alone.

I've always known I want a family.

I'm just getting a little worried that that's not in the cards for me.

What?

I mean, not the baby. Like, I'm having a baby.

Yeah, no, you know, the partner stuff. Yeah.

It'll happen. You know what they say.

Kiss a lot of turds, right?

No.

No one says that. It's toads.

Like "The early turd gets the worm."

No, it's bird. "Early bird gets the worm."

It is bird.

But it is "kiss a lot of turds" for sure.

Oh, man.

See that guy messing up the ice with his skates?

He's doing it on purpose.

Hey! Stop fucking up the ice, you piece of shit!

We could have you killed in minutes!

Do you guys have any hot chocolate around here?

Yeah.

You gotta be shitting me.

We should Photoshop some dicks into their mouths.

I was coming over to ask if you thought it was over the top.

I guess I have my answer.

No, I mean, I love it. I love it. I think it's quite provocative.

I'll give you boys some privacy.

Um, I'm sorry. I was, like, just trying to make crazy-ass Fallon laugh.

Yeah.

We were just being funny. It's not like we're taking that seriously.

- Yeah, it's ironic. - Yeah.

It's, yeah, so, yeah. Sorry.

I have to talk to you about something, so...

Okay. Is it that you're in love with me?

Because I already knew.

No, no, no. No, I just...

You're scaring me.

You can't be in the delivery room.

What do you mean? Why wouldn't I be able to be in there?

If you say Shirley's going to be in there with you...

- I'm going to murder someone. - No.

She is not going to be in the room, okay?

But she did surprise me and she got a doula,

and there can only be two people in the room, so...

So you're choosing Mark and some placenta-sniffing midwife

over your best friend who you've known your whole life?

You know what? Can we just be honest for once?

Okay, I'm ready to be honest.

- That sounds nice. - Great. Let's do it.

You're pissed because I'm pregnant.

No, I'm not. That's so insane that you would think that.

I'm so happy for you.

I've been going everywhere with you,

showing you how happy I am about this pregnancy.

Yeah, you seem real happy, Lainy.

Look, I'm just mad

because you're being a stupid, tit-faced jerk butt.

Oh, it is you, my friend, that has the face of a tit.

- Really? Me? - That's what you are.

All right. Can you two bitches calm down?

You can't even come up with proper fucking swear words.

I love you both equally, all right?

Okay. Forget this.

Oh, fuck her.

Ms. Newton, I found this on the bleachers.

Oh! Um...

Oh.

You did the right thing to bring it to me. Thank you.

You don't have to tell anyone about this. I'll handle it.

Score.

So, wait, you were saying, okay, so then you dated...

I dated an ice cream scooper at Casey's Scoops.

But then I realized I was just, like, in it for the ice cream...

and that's just not enough.

- No. - You gotta have chemistry, too, right?

You can also just have ice cream and not date the scooper.

I figured that out. I figured it out too late.

Ever dated a pregnant woman?

You're the least pregnant person I've ever dated.

Wow. You wait till they're crowning.

I want them to be, like, two weeks away from dropping.

So are we dating?

No. I don't know. I mean, I'm seeing a lot of other people.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- I'm sorry you're in the friend zone. - The friend zone.

I thought you were gay until, like, five minutes ago.

We can always just joke around if you want.

I don't always joke around.

Okay, no, I'm... you know.

My nerves are turned on

I hear them like musical instruments

Where there was silence...

The drums...

The strings are incurably playing

You did this

Pure genius at work

Darling, the composer Has stepped into fire

Anne Sexton.

What's it called?

"The Kiss."

Oh, sorry.

- No, I'm sorry. - No.

- I'm fine. It's fine. - It's okay.

No, I'm just a little self-conscious about my body right now...

Oh, yeah.

You know, I... Sorry.

You want to dance?

Yes.

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ You can blame me ♪

♪ Try to shame me ♪

♪ And still I'll care for you ♪

♪ You can run around ♪

- Want to take a break? - Sure.

Whoa.

- Dave. - Lainy.

What are you doing here? I didn't know you liked, um...

- Drinking on a boat? - Yeah, that's crazy.

What the fuck is that?

Um, I may have gained some weight.

What? What is going on? What did you do?

- What did I do? - I thought you were on birth control!

How could you do this to me?

You're such an asshole. And don't worry because it's not yours.

Wait, so... When did you even...

Thanksgiving.

- We were at my parents' house in Vermont. - Mm-hmm.

- We were together the whole time. - No, obviously not.

Not when you were, uh...

- Asleep? - Bingo.

When you were asleep, I went to Black Friday sales.

And... fucked somebody at a Brookstone?

Costco.

Because they have the best deals

and the best dick.

And I don't even know what you're looking at.

What do you even do?

I'm a scientist.

That's not a real job. What do all of you do?

We're all scientists.

I've moved on. And I suggest you do the same.

Excuse me.

Someone actually beautiful is coming through. Me.

Surprise!

- Meg! - Lainy.

Hey!

Oh my God, Lainy.

Your room is so cute.

It's so sweet.

Thank you! That is so nice.

Oh, I love it.

What are you doing here in my... belly of the woods?

A prenatal depression workshop's nearby that's supposed to be amazing.

So I thought I'd come surprise you.

Oh, cool. I don't have that.

Oh.

Okay, well, I do.

You're gonna make me face these chicks alone?

No.

I wouldn't do that to a friend. I'm in.

- It's supposed to be very therapeutic. - Okay, great.

- We'll just give it a go. - Let's do it.

- My God, you really popped this week. - Didn't I?

Yeah. It just kind of hits.

I didn't know so many women got depressed during pregnancy.

Yeah. Because we're so ashamed for not just bubbling over with gratitude.

Excuse me, legitimate pregnant lady coming through.

Six weeks.

Nice boobs. I can say that. I've got them.

I've got them too. It's not offensive if you have them.

What the hell are you doing here?

Oh, I see. Good enough for thee, but not for me.

You're a pregnancy tourist.

- You shouldn't be here. - You shouldn't be here.

- You shouldn't. - You shouldn't.

Get...

Don't punch my baby!

Hello, ladies.

How are you guys doing?

Good.

Bullshit!

You don't have to lie in here, sisters.

This is a place of truth.

How do you really feel during your pregnancies?

Tell me.

Come on.

I'm angry.

I ate a cupcake out of the trash can last night.

My nipples are so dry!

Yes!

Thank you.

I know.

I've got a hairy butthole.

What the hell are you doing?

- I've got a hairy butthole. - Shut up.

All right, ladies. We are going to take a quick pee break,

which we'll be doing every three minutes.

And if you're the one woman who can still shit while she's pregnant,

good for you. Now is your chance.

- Thank you so much. This is great. - Of course.

Get it out. She's amazing.

Oh, shit. My sitter just bailed.

Oh, sorry. That sucks.

Would you mind watching Connor tomorrow night?

I don't know.

Please. It's Steve's birthday.

Josh has a hockey game he has to work, and I don't have anybody else to ask.

It's kind of nice to be needed.

Yeah, of course.

We love having you over.

Josh especially.

- Really? - Oh, cool. She's also bailing tonight.

Okay, I got to go.

♪ Got a ticket for the city that's fire ♪

♪ Tech 9 for the side that'll fight ya ♪

Thanks.

♪ Put your picket down come on and riot ♪

Fuck you.

Hmm.

- Hi! - Hi!

Thank you so much. You are a lifesaver.

My pleasure. You look beautiful.

- Thank you. I showered. - Yeah.

Hey, Connor, off the couch.

Oh, hey. Uh, guess who we're going to see?

Wow.

- Hey, I might shave my head. Why not? - Do it.

- Please don't do that. - Okay, well, have fun.

- Thank you so much. - Go.

I still want to throw you that shower.

Okay, no, but go have a good time.

- We're fine. We got it. - Thank you. Bye.

All right. Bye.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, yeah!

Do you want this?

But, yeah, I thought we were going to...

get married, start a family.

Did you ever tell such a big lie you don't know how to get out of it?

I ate the whole cookie.

- Peek-a-boo. - Oh my God! Oh my God.

- You scared me. - I was over here.

Let me tell you a real story.

There was once a family...

of beautiful, beautiful princesses...

called the Kardashians.

And they lived in a palace

that their dad bought them by defending a murderer.

Hey, hey.

Uncle Joshy.

Yeah, yeah, don't get all riled up, Con-man.

Yeah, sorry.

I thought I'd do a little better with that.

You're very cute.

Let's read the book we like, all right?

The Book with No Pictures.

"This is a book with no pictures."

"It might seem like no fun

to have someone read you a book with no pictures."

"Probably seems boring and serious."

"Except, here's how books work."

"Everything the words say, the person reading the book has to say."

"Now it's time for me to sing you my favorite song."

♪ "Glug, glug, glug My face is a bug" ♪

♪ "I eat ants for breakfast Right off of a rug" ♪

Want to come back to my place?

The garage. Right down... downstairs.

It's roomy.

Well, the car's not here. It's usually right there.

Okay, I want to have sex with you.

Fantastic.

But I'm very self-conscious of my body right now, as I've said.

Sure, yes.

So, there's going to be a couple rules.

Okay, great. I'm down with rules.

You know, Cider House, Vanderpump, all the rules.

Okay, well, just two rules.

No touching me and no looking at me.

Oh, okay. I mean, you know,

it's not exactly the experience I had pictured,

but if that doth what m'lady require of...

- What? - Yes. Yes. It's cool.

Great.

I'll be right back.

Okay.

You okay?

Yeah, I just... You surprised me.

Hands locked in this position.

Okay.

♪ All this all work, no vacation ♪

♪ Stay up off my Instagram Pure temptation ♪

♪ Hit a switch on a fake ♪♪♪♪♪... ♪

I want to go down on you, but I don't really know how to.

Oh, well,

you just, like, lick around the clitoris and if you can sneak a finger in, great.

No, no, no. I know how to.

I don't know how to get there.

- Oh. Right, right. - Hand in the...

Well, maybe I can go up on you.

Problem solved.

Okay. Yeah.

- Okay. - Get on up there.

Okay, just let me know when you're kind of close.

Okay.

♪ I'm off that la-la ♪

♪ I'mma get it wet like jacuzzi ♪

- Okay, I feel your feet there. - Yeah.

- Tell me when you're close. - Okay, I'm...

I'm trying to make my landing.

Yeah, you know, I don't...

- Okay, I'm gonna... - How long...

- You're still up there. Okay. - Let me...

See. I'm gonna kind of...

All right, this might work better. Okay.

What's...

- Just... - Just describe what you're doing.

I'm, like, trying to sit on your...

No, that's, you know what, that's not... It's fine.

- I think I'm okay. - Okay.

I don't need you to do that. That's really sweet, but I'm...

- Okay. - I'm ready, you know.

- Okay, sure. - She ready, you know.

Are you? Oh, you're ready.

- Okay, okay. - Wow. Nice.

- Thank you. - Yeah

- Oh, my God. - That feels good.

Oh, that feels so good. You like that, Iceman?

Who is Iceman?

You. Because you drive a Zamboni?

- Oh, okay, yeah. - Okay, I don't have to...

- Just trying something. - No, I love it.

- I love it. I'm Iceman. - Okay.

- The Iceman Cometh. - Oh, yeah.

- I mean, not yet. Not yet. - Okay.

Let me try it the other way.

- Oh, I was liking that. - Yeah, but this is better.

This will be good.

- Okay. - This is...

- All right. Back in business. - Oh my God.

- Oh my God. - So good.

Oh, God.

- Wait. Is that the garage? - No, no. It's fine.

- Where's the clicker? - I got it. I got it.

Okay. Neighbors?

Is there anybody out there?

Close it. Somebody's gonna come by.

♪ Darling, you send me ♪

♪ I know you send me ♪

That was really nice.

Yeah.

It's a great view.

Thank you.

Hey!

Hey.

Oh my God.

Can I be honest with you?

Yeah?

I...

I haven't felt this connected to someone...

like, ever.

Me, too.

Good, because I really...

I think we could make this work.

I do. Like, you and me and the little person in there.

It just feels so good to finally be able to trust somebody again.

I totally trust you.

I didn't know if I'd ever feel like this again.

Mm-hmm.

- I can't do this. - Can't do... Can't do what?

- I'm sorry. - Wait...

I have to... I have to leave.

Wait. Can't do what?

You have Connor?

Yeah. Wait, what did I say?

Why are you leaving?

Everyone just stick together.

No touching the butterflies.

Do not disrupt their metamorphosis.

I'm totally fucked.

Are you? 'Cause the way I understand it

is Josh is the one that got bit of a fucking.

Stop it! Come on!

Sorry. Butterflies make me anxious.

I almost told him. I almost and then I...

No touching.

I don't know what relationship could possibly survive

this level of dishonesty.

I've lied so much. I don't know what to do.

He's going to find out the truth about my pregnancy at some point, right?

I mean, he's not going to forget about a baby.

God. I can't believe I fell for Meg's brother.

It's ridiculous. Like, I really like him.

You're going to have to get that baby out.

I need to get rid of my baby.

Oh, shit.

Why are they only landing on you?

- Are they on me? - Yeah.

Are they on me right now? Right now?

- Yeah. - Get bug spray.

Get some bug spray. Get them off me.

- Get these evil demons off me! - Stop it.

- Sorry. She's fine. - No touching.

I didn't touch them! They were touching me!

Please don't raise your voice in here, ma'am.

I will fight you.

I'll fuck you up.

I will bite your fucking aorta right out.

Butterflies, attack!

- I'm coming to get you. - Come on.

Piece of shit bitch.

Thanks for meeting me.

Of course.

How are you?

I'm good. I stopped puking, so...

That's great.

How about you? Are you puking?

No.

- Why would I be puking? - I don't know.

Sometimes in the morning people get...

like, their tummy rumbles and... Nothing?

Are you okay?

Yeah.

I guess I'm just nervous about the baby shower.

It's gonna be great. Thanks for including me.

What does that mean?

What? Thanks for including me.

Why would you not be invited? You're my best friend.

It's okay. I...

You and Shirley.

It looks like it's gonna be amazing.

It's gonna be better than anything I could have done.

I have to actually run.

I have like a million papers to grade.

- Are you good? - Yeah.

- You're okay? - Yeah.

Okay. All right.

I wanna see a paternity test, am I right?

No. I can't believe someone's gonna be calling me "daddy" soon.

Wow.

- Hey, look what I found. - What?

What the fuck is that?

I've always wanted a cow.

That's an alpaca.

I've been milking her for an hour and a half

because they only have fake milk at the bar.

I only got like a teaspoon for this macchiato with little Bessie.

What a giver.

- That's obviously a boy. - What?

You've been jerking off a boy alpaca.

That explains the sounds, and it's quite salty too.

Macchiato?

I'm gonna pass.

Garrett, can you take this cow to my car?

Hi, Lainy.

Hey, Connor.

Connor?

Oh, shit.

- Fuck. - Is that your man?

- Fuck! - Fuck!

Fuck!

She's gotta be here somewhere.

Hey! What are you gorgeous humans doing here?

Your friend Shirley invited us.

Classic Shirley.

Why haven't you returned my calls?

Calls? What?

You okay?

Never better.

- Hey. - Oh, hi.

Are these your friends you've never mentioned?

Mm-hmm. Josh.

- Hi. - Hi.

- And Megan. - Hi.

- Congratulations. - Oh, thank you.

And then there's Steve and Connor.

Everyone!

May I have your... attention please.

Thank you.

Um...

First off, Kate and I are so happy...

that you could make it to our baby shower.

Round of applause!

- Hi. - Hi.

Um...

Well, I didn't know that it was gonna be this insane,

but it does look kind of cool, so thanks for making me do this.

- Stop it. - What? Oh.

Like, I love you.

Give me a break.

- Yeah. - It's like so many emotions.

Sorry. But...

I wanna talk about someone else for a minute.

Someone we all know and love named Lainy! Whoo!

No. This is your day. Keep it focused on you, please.

Lainy, everyone at school and on the web

knows that I am the sexiest teacher in the world

and that kindness is my favorite hobby.

So I want this to be your day, too.

I don't want it to be. It's your day, so please leave me alone.

- Really, please leave me alone. - Okay. Come here.

Context, Lainy is pregnant and thinking of terminating,

which is so fine because you know I'm pro-choice like a Rolls Royce.

Oh my God.

But this could be our unicorn's last chance!

Wait, no, you need to go into the wrinkles.

So we're hoping that we can talk her...

- into keeping it, right? - Stop.

- Yes! - My God, the chat is on fire.

- Enough. - Wait, no, that's my phone.

No, I'm turning it off. You're acting like a crazy...

Stop it!

- Oh my God! - Enough!

I'm not having an abortion!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Jesus, Shirley, I would.

Kate has.

My mom tried.

Wait, so you are having the baby! Whoo!

Keep it! Keep it! Keep it! Keep it!

Stop it! Stop it!

I'm not! I'm not having the baby! I'm not... I'm not pregnant!

I've been lying.

I'm faking it.

Meg.

Steve, get the fucking Mazda.

Josh, let me explain.

You need serious help.

I'm sorry.

I know you'll never love me again.

I just hope someday you don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

You don't?

No. I love you.

I knew that something was up.

I just didn't know what it was.

I'm not even mad at you.

I mean, I'm really mad at Mark.

For not being happy about this baby at all.

It's been really hard doing this without you.

Fuck.

I was jealous.

Of you... I was really jealous of Mark.

That's funny.

For real.

I've always been jealous of Mark. He gets to spend so much time with you.

I want to be your husband.

You should be. I hate my husband.

Sometimes I'll just look at him and be like, "God!"

No. He's a good guy.

And he loves you so much.

And he's going to love this baby. That's who I'm really jealous of.

This baby gets to have the coolest, funniest,

most badass mom in the whole world.

You forgot to say sexiest.

Most fuckable mom. This baby...

No, but really.

This kid is lucky.

You really think so?

Are you serious? You're the only family I've ever known.

You getting your own family made me, like,

just crazy and desperate to find my own soulmate.

Bitch, I'm your soulmate.

Come here.

♪ I learned the truth at 17 ♪

♪ That love was meant for beauty queens ♪

♪ And high school girls With clear-skinned smiles ♪

♪ Who married young and then... ♪

Hey.

I saw the baby on Instagram.

She's perfect.

Uh, it's a he.

I'm the worst.

I'm not the kind of person who's going to comfort someone who's hurt me.

That's fair.

All I ever wanted was to be a mom.

Since I was a little girl.

So I put that bump on.

I went to that stupid yoga class.

And I met you. And I couldn't help but want to be friends with you.

And I got stuck.

You could have just told me.

I know what a mindfuck it is being a woman, pregnant or not.

Well, I wanted to tell you. I was just...

Do you remember what it's like to want a family so bad?

Of course. Of course.

I've just always wanted someone to choose me. You know?

Lainy.

The most important relationship you are ever going to have is with yourself.

Well, I miss you, girl.

Come here.

I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

Oh my God. I was just watching this thing and I...

Oh my God.

Oh, no, no! No!

- Yes. Yes. - No! No!

- No! - Oh my God, Josh!

- Hey, you get down from there right now! - No!

The neighbors are staring!

I'm not coming down ever!

Josh, can I please talk to you for a minute? Just one minute.

Why? So you can tell me another lie?

You're not a teacher. You're really a lighthouse keeper.

I lied.

I lied to you when I told you that I got pregnant on Thanksgiving.

I lied to you when I said I do charity work for animals.

I don't. I've never done any charity work, ever.

I donate canned goods if they're doing a drive or something,

but it's just the stuff I don't want to eat, really, you know?

French cut green beans, creamed corn. I, you know...

I like cream corn.

Steve.

The point is that I'm not lying to you when I say I am totally in love with you.

I know it's a big ask, but can we just start over?

My name's not Sasha Fierce.

Hi.

My name is Lainy Newton.

What's yours?

Haven't you ever done something stupid for love?

Well, it was wrong, and I'm sorry.

Ow, my arms.

Can I come in?

No.

I brought steak frites.

So how you been feeling?

What do you want, Dave?

I've never known you to be this considerate.

Is it mine?

- Yes. - Crap, dammit, I knew it.

I fucking knew it. I knew it.

They're yours.

They?

What, like twins?

Three? Oh, no.

How? How? Oh my God!

Oh, wait.

No, I can't. I can't do that.

Oh, my life's over. Shit!

No, that's good. That's good.

Yeah, we're gonna... Yeah, three. That's crazy.

You gonna keep all of them, or...

God, you suck!

Oh, it's not real? That's not real?

Oh, my... Oh, thank God.

Fuck yeah! It's not real. Yes!

You are such a dick.

You're a dick.

I mean, four years.

Four fucking years. Were you ever in love with me?

Lainy, yes.

I was.

Now, did I fall out of love with you? Yes.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy.

No, Lainy, it's not you.

I realized that I couldn't make you happy.

You know, you wanted to be a wife and a mom,

and I thought I wanted that, too, but...

I realized that I wanted so much more...

- Success. - Pussy.

I do still love you, though.

I want you to be okay.

That's sweet.

I'm sweet.

You wanna bone one more time?

No.

Why don't you head back over there...

- before I stab you? - Right. Okay.

♪ It's nice of you to say ♪

♪ We can still be friends ♪

Yes! Yes!

♪ Sure I always knew We were worlds apart ♪

♪ But that don't help the sadness In my heart ♪

♪ It's gonna take a long time To get you off of my mind ♪

♪ Gonna take a long time ♪

♪ One, two, three... ♪

bell hooks said,

"The one person who will never leave us,

whom we will never lose,

is ourselves."

"Learning to love our female selves is where our search for love must begin."

Ms. Newton,

learning about female selves is mad boring.

- Shut off, Liam. - Okay.

No more questions, Brett.

- But, Ms. Newton... - Brett...

I need you to back up off me today, okay?

But I'm glad we communicated about this.

Lainy! There's a Zamboni outside.

♪ Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me ♪

♪ If you need me, let me know Gonna be around ♪

♪ If you've got no place to go If you're feeling down ♪

♪ If you're all alone When the pretty birds have flown ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free, take a chance... ♪

You know, I once stole my own car

so I could use the insurance money to buy my girlfriend a bag.

- A bag? - Yeah, like a designer bag.

That's really stupid.

Yeah. Lainy...

you are insane.

Really, I think you may be clinically insane,

but you make me laugh so much.

I love the way you look at me.

And I love looking at you.

Aw.

I had the best sex I've ever had with you and I didn't see anything.

You know, someone once said, "Watch out for love,

unless it is true and every part of you says yes...

including the toes."

Anne Sexton.

Look, I guess what I'm saying is...

Hi, my name is Josh.

♪ If you're all alone... ♪

♪ Honey, I'm still free Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Gonna do my very best Baby, can't you see? ♪

♪ Gotta put me to the test Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Come on, give me a break, will you? ♪

♪ Take a chance on me ♪

♪ Oh, you can take your time, baby ♪

♪ I'm in no hurry ♪

- ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪ - ♪ Know I'm gonna get you ♪

- Oh, sorry! - Oh, no.

- Oh, my God, no, I got it! - I drive this!

- I got it! - No. Take your foot off the gas!

- I thought I was on the brake! - Get out of the way!

- No, it's not! - All right!

You're on the gas!

- Oh... - Fuck!

Look out!

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.