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(whistle blowing)

Here you go, Tiger.

You know what this looks like?

Mmm, half water, half flour.

Eat up.

I was thinking Lake Michigan.

Or maybe a snowflake.

We're going to Big Bear?

I rented a cabin for Christmas.

Snowboarding, snowball fights, the works.

Yes! My first white Christmas.

That's right.

Oh, no.

What's the matter, honey?

Well, I wrote a letter to Santa Claus

asking him to send us to Big Bear.

Now he might get confused.

Son, I think you're a little old to believe in Santa Claus.

He exists, Dad. I've seen him.

You were dreaming.

Gordon...

If we want our son to be successful,

we can't have him believing in fairy tales.

I caught your letter.

That was nearly 32 cents down the drain.

It's a small price to pay for our son's happiness.

Are we going for sure this year?

Of course, I promise.

What about breakfast?

We're serving Lake Michigan.

Got to hustle off to the lot, hon.

Besides, Lake Michigan's polluted.

(door opening)

What do you think this one looks like?

It's just a regular pancake, Mom.

I believe in Santa.

That's-- You'll make it nowhere.

Well, I will beat you.

Oh, yeah?

I beat you!

I'll beat you anywhere.

Good morning, Mr. Covington.

Oh, no time for chitchat. I'm kind of in a hurry.

Can I help you?

An extra 5% off at Slykes Used Cars this week.

Christmas, you know.

How generous.

Yeah, just doing my part.

Well, this new building is working out just great.

Tell Mr. Slykes hello for me.

And thank you.

Believe me, you're doing him a favor taking over this joint.

Here, pass these out to all your friends.

See you.

(pounding on door)

(pounding continues)

(three pounds)

(pounding continues)

Let me guess.

The guy out front wants a refund.

And your scalp. Here's his warranty.

He bought the car 31 days ago.

31 days ago, huh?

That's good to know.

Come on.

There you are.

That car you sold me, it overheats

and the transmission slips.

My mechanic said that the radiator was filled with oatmeal.

The transmission was filled with sawdust.

First of all, this is not that kind of used car lot.

Yeah.

Second, you only purchased a one-month warranty.

That was exactly 31 days and... nine hours ago.

I don't know what I can do for you.

Give me a refund! Give me a break.

If you hadn't been so cheap and bought a longer warranty,

I'd be happy to help you.

What am I going to do?

Are you handy with a wrench?

No.

It'd take several thousand to fix this car,

and it's not even worth it.

I don't have that kind of money anyway.

I know.

It's tough when you're first starting out.

Take it. Just take it, kid.

I'd feel better if you did.

I couldn't.

Take it before my boss sees me, okay?

And, uh, sign this.

What choice have I got?

Next time, take out a longer warranty.

(clapping)

Terrific performance, kid.

You remind me of me.

Mr. Slykes, how are you?

Me? I just saw the third-quarter's earnings.

I'm doing great.

So are you.

Yeah, just working hard.

Just working hard.

You know, you don't often hear anybody say that nowadays.

Me, I'm gonna retire.

I'm moving out to the links in Palm Springs.

No. Yeah, but first,

I got to find somebody to run all five lots.

Somebody to take my place.

Really?

You're looking good, kid.

Real good, but so are all the other lot managers.

It's hard to pick just one.

Well, I've come up with an idea.

A brilliant idea.

A competition.

The lot salesman that sells the most cars

between now and Christmas Eve

gets to be CEO of Slykes Used Cars.

Hmm, air-conditioned office, pay raise,

no more hustling on the lot.

It's a honey of a job for the right man.

Now, Eric, on the Van Nuys lot,

he's liable to give you a run for your money.

He's nothing. I'll squash him.

You got the killer instinct.

I like that, kid.

But I got to have a guarantee.

Picked it up cheap.

Now look, if you was to stay open

every night until midnight from now until Christmas Eve

selling cars at maybe ten, 20%, you might just win.

What's the matter?

Well... What's bugging you, come on?

I promised Teddy and Carla we'd spend the holidays

up at Big Bear.

Teddy's never had a white Christmas.

We got sunshine, what does he want with snow?

It's overrated.

The last two years I've promised Teddy snow at Christmas

and I've flaked on him.

Hey, that's a funny bit. Huh?

Snow, flaked.

You-- oh, never mind.

Listen, he can have a white Christmas next year

at my place in Aspen.

We got those-- we got those camel-like things up there.

Gazelles. Nah.

Uh, impalas?

No, no, no, got a face like a donkey.

Uh, llamas.

Yeah, yeah, llamas.

Cute as heck. Eat right out of your hands.

Tony will-- Teddy.

Whatever. He'll love it.

I know.

I-- I just don't think I can do it.

Eh, your choice.

I just didn't think you'd wanna be hustling cars

on this hot lot the rest of your life.

Okay, I'll do it.

But if one of those llamas bites my kid, I'll sue.

Yeah, smart move.

You won't regret it, trust me.

Hey, take the car around back and get it washed.

See you.

(engine revving)

(tires screeching)

(music plays, birds chirping)

I'll get you.

Got you.

Let's rest for a second.

But then you have to chase me.

I hope a get the new bike I asked Santa for.

You believe in Santa Claus?

Yeah. Don't you?

I guess. My dad doesn't.

But he has to believe in Santa Claus.

Listen, just think about it.

How could he fit all the presents for all the kids

in that one sleigh?

Think of all the kids in the universe.

There's no way.

And deliver them in one night?

I don't think so.

I don't know how he does it.

He just does.

It's the magic of Christmas.

It just doesn't make sense.

I thought you said you saw Santa last year.

It was a dream. I better go.

My mom and I have to go pick out snow clothes.

See you.

I know there's a Santa.

I saw him, too.

(distant dog barking)

He's one second ahead of the world record.

He's won three gold, six silvers and one bronze already.

Let 's see if he'll win another medal.

And yes! He's got it!

Another world record and another gold medal

for the boy from L.A.!

Yes! Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah!

Hi, honey!

Look, Teddy and I rented everything.

Well, better get a refund.

We aren't going. What?

I'm going to be working 12-hour shifts through Christmas Eve.

Gordon, this is the second year in a row

you've canceled our Christmas plans.

I had to go to the NASCAR races last year.

Ambrose invited me, I couldn't say no.

It was-- it was business.

You just wanted to watch the demolition derby

and the year before that,

you had to watch all those football games.

I had money on those, our money.

We might have been wiped out.

Fine Christmas that would have been, huh?

(grunts) Gordon, you promised Teddy.

I know, I know, but look at the big picture.

I'm going to be CEO of Slykes Used Cars.

Slykes Used Cars is a dump!

I thought you wanted something better for yourself.

And for all of us.

We're not going?

Sorry, Teddy.

Dad?

I know I promised.

But if I stay and work extra hard,

that means I'll get a new job

and we can move to a nicer house.

Next year we'll go skiing in Aspen.

You know they have llamas there that eat right out of your hand.

Next year, I-- I promise?

Sure, Dad.

I understand.

(sighs)

Well, you're lucky Teddy's more gullible than I am.

Of course I've known you longer.

Can we continue this conversation later?

I got to go. Go?

Work.

(shrieking) (door closes)

"Dear Santa Claus,

"All I want for Christmas is my Dad to believe in you.

"If he did, he would understand the spirit of Christmas

"and might be nicer to everyone,

including me and my mom."

Please be out there, Santa Claus.

"Please help him find the spirit of Christmas.

Love, Teddy."

I got two more cars to deliver tonight.

You tell Ambrose I need the registrations for those cars

or I can't sell them.

Sure you can.

You just got to sell them to the right people.

I'm not selling anything without the proper registration.

There's no law against being a used car salesman,

but there is against selling stolen merchandise.

Stolen?

Now, who said anything about being stolen?

Okay, okay. We'll tell him.

(door closing)

What do you think of these cars

we've been getting from Ambrose?

They're in good shape.

You could tell people they were only driven on Sundays

by little old ladies going to church

and you wouldn't be off by much.

Hmm.

(crickets chirping)

(yawning)

In the dog house, but at least I come prepared.

(sniffing)

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm.

Wake up, buddy. Hmm.

I would never sell a car I wouldn't sell to my mother.

Probably.

Wake up.

Who are you?

Lilith. Nice to meet ya.

What are you doing in my house?

Did I sell you a car?

Boss sent me.

Said you're on the hook this year.

I'm one of Santa's helpers.

What's that? Like a motorcycle gang?

No, you know, Santa Claus, Christmas, the whole deal.

We make the toys, update the lists.

You look like a leprechaun.

Cute outfit, though.

Don't ever call me a leprechaun.

I'm an elf.

Oh, you're an elf.

Okay, go home and sleep it off and I won't call the cops.

I can't believe I forgot to lock the door.

You didn't. (giggling)

How'd you get in here?

It's an elf thing.

Obviously, my wife put you up to this

and I've had enough of it.

No, Señor Claus decided you need a reminder

about the spirit of Christmas.

That's just great.

(groaning)

You're not getting it.

I'm here to guide you.

To prepare you to be a Santa.

A Secret Santa.

Why me?

We select people to be Secret Santas

who we think need a kick in the pants

on what the spirit of Christmas is all about.

Yeah, well I've got more Christmas spirit than Rudolph.

Yeah, you've already forgot about your broken promise.

I never broke a promise in my life.

(groaning)

Oh, the white Christmas promise.

Big Bear, yeah.

And I've even heard you tell your son

that Santa doesn't exist.

He does, he does.

I know in your heart you're lying.

You'll come around.

(shuddering) Bad dream.

Oh...

(birds chirping)

Honey, how old were those leftovers in the tin foil?

Don't call me "honey," promise-breaker.

And it was cat food, Gordon, remember?

Bleah.

(groaning)

Must be a short in the blanket.

I'm starving.

Kid, enough with the food already.

Eric's killing you.

You only got two days till Christmas.

I'm busting my butt.

I'm working 14 hours a day.

What else can I do?

But you got to have a gimmick.

Something to grab the public.

Now, how are those cars selling that I dumped on you?

Dumped? Delivered.

Mr. Slykes, before I sell one, I need those titles.

Look. Here they are.

Well, that's what I needed.

That boss of yours is no good.

As a Secret Santa and a human being,

you need to clean up your act.

What are you doing here?

I don't want to see you get in any more trouble

than you're already in.

I thought you were indigestion.

No, I'm your worst nightmare.

A visible conscience.

Who are you talking to, kid?

That elf.

She says I'm going to be a Secret Santa.

Oh, goody.

Can she make me one, too?

Oh...

You don't see her?

Gordon, over here.

I'm on a tight schedule.

I just came down here to warn you about your boss.

Now, as a Secret Santa,

we'd like you to keep your nose clean.

Why don't you just leave me alone?!

Kid, come on, pull yourself together.

Get over here.

You don't see her?

See who? What--

You know, all of a sudden, you're not sounding

like CEO material.

No, I am. I am.

Uh, gimmick.

You were saying I needed a gimmick.

Yeah. I got one.

Secret Santa.

I'll dress up like Santa Claus.

And I'll give a car away every hour

to whoever can guess

what car the keys in my pocket will start.

And none of the keys will fit.

Ooh, I like it. I like it.

So keep those cars coming, I'm gonna need a lot of them.

I like your guts, kid.

See you later.

I must be going nuts.

A Secret Santa contest.

Ha. How tacky.

Leave me alone!

You're ruining my life!

You think this is bad?

Wait till you see what's coming up next.

(clearing throat)

What are you looking at, Rudolph?

I mean...

Rudolph?

Nothing, Blitzen.

I just came in to tell you Teddy's here.

Oh.

Teddy, you arrived just in time to see your old man in action.

Please. Please, don't buy this car.

What's wrong with it?

Nothing, I was hoping to save it for my son.

But if I have to let go, I have to let it go.

Cute.

(Gordon) Low miles, sporty.

Uh, I don't know.

It's an awfully generous price.

It's the holiday season.

Nobody buys a car at Christmas.

But if I don't sell at least one car a day,

there won't be any presents under our tree this Christmas.

You see, I work on commission and it's been a little rough.

Okay, I'll take it.

Great. We'll talk in my office.

You know ,it's a good thing you're buying this right now

because by the time I'm old enough to drive,

all that stuff leaking on the bottom

will probably be all be gone.

What?!

There's oil everywhere!

Ha. That darn Kirk.

The last car that was parked here had a little oil leak

and he forgot to clean it up. (chuckles)

Look, there it goes. I just saw more oil drip.

I don't see anything.

Think I'll go look someplace else for a car today.

Thanks, kid.

No problem.

What are you... what are you doing?

I'm trying to help.

Help what? Put me out of business?

No, but I-- Look, son!

It's a tough world that's divided

into two types of people,

suckers and winners.

Winners are winners because of suckers.

Suckers help winners by giving them their money.

Don't make your dad's world any tougher, okay?

My Christmas play is tonight at 7:00.

And I thought it would be a great way

to get on Mom's good side.

I'll be there.

It's been a slow day anyway.

Okay.

Oh, you might want to shave.

You forgot to this morning.

Criminy, I'm getting old.

(Carla) I'd be very surprised if your father shows up.

He'll make it. I know he will.

Please don't get your hopes up.

I know he's going to be there.

He promised.

Well, you have to have faith, I guess.

And that should do it.

Here are your keys.

Thank you.

See you later, fellas.

Now remember,

you gotta dress up as an elf tomorrow.

I'm too big to be an elf.

Well, I'm gonna be Santa and I'm not fat enough.

Well, with any luck we'll sell one more car.

(crickets chirping) (door opening)

(door closing)

Teddy? Carla?

Hmm.

"Gordon, you broke Teddy's heart for the last time.

"The Christmas play was tonight

"and of course you didn't make it.

"I'll be a Linda's until I can decide what's best

"for Teddy and me.

Carla."

They left me to go to her sister's?

Ugh...

(Carla) Yes, Mother, I know that.

Yes, uh... yes, you did tell me that.

Well, look--

All right, that's what I'm planning to do, okay?

All right, I'll talk to you tomorrow.

(phone hangs up)

(sighs)

We're moving to Phoenix?

If your father doesn't shape up...

it just might happen.

He'll shape up.

We've all hoped for that too many times.

It ain't gonna happen.

Want something to drink?

(crickets chirping)

To be a good Santa Claus, you not only gotta walk the walk,

you gotta talk the talk.

Santa Claus doesn't say, "Hey, man,"

or, "What's going on, dude?"

When he greets people, he says, "Ho, ho, ho!"

or "Merry Christmas!"

Practice!

Ho, ho, ho.

Like you mean it!

Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

Pretty soon, you're gonna start looking like Santa Claus,

so you better start sounding like him.

Ouch-- I mean, Merry Christmas!

Ahh!

Ouch!

I do. I do look like Santa Claus.

Yah! Yah!

(engine revving)

(bell dinging)

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! Hey!

You cheap...

Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

(coins dropping)

Merry Christmas!

Hey, buddy.

Yeah.

You want to make a couple of bucks?

Sure. Did anyone ever tell you--

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

Ho--

Ho, ho, ho.

Argh!

Ahh!

Kirk!

Gordon?

Pretty good, huh?

You look just like Santa Claus.

The beard's incredible.

Don't touch.

It even feels real.

Who did this for you?

I, uh, know someone in the business... actually.

Sure looks good.

You, uh, look pretty good yourself.

Don't get any ideas.

(distant basketball bouncing, feet squeaking)

You're a half hour late.

Well, that's the last time I'm gonna be late.

What do you mean?

Mom's moving us to Phoenix.

You're mom and dad aren't getting along?

I think this is it.

They're both being so stubborn.

Neither of them will give in.

If only my dad would just say he's sorry.

I think we're just gonna have to say we're sorry for him.

What?

Follow me.

We need about $40.

What for?

Don't tell me you have no idea what we're doing?

No, I don't.

You're such a boy.

Like father, like son, I guess.

We only have about $3 here.

(coins clanking)

You know any way we can get more?

I think I have an idea.

That's a first.

Step right up, step right up.

Don't push.

There's plenty of room inside.

For just 25 cents, you can come see

Teddy, the amazing electric boy.

Just don't look before it's your turn, please.

(woman) Hello, little boy.

(shuddering)

Nice to shock you, miss.

Thank you. (coin clunks)

That kid's got a lot of talent.

Next.

Thank you, thank you.

Check this out.

(shuddering)

(thud)

Next.

Thank you.

(coins clinking)

Finally, something I'm good at.

I'm not so sure about that.

But we almost have the $40 we need.

Next!

Next.

$21.52.

What do you have?

$22.11. We did it!

Great!

Now will you mind telling me what all of this is for?

A dozen roses.

Flowers? Mm-hmm.

All that work for flowers?!

Not flowers... roses.

Sure glad I didn't tell you beforehand.

Why don't we get her something cool, like a pocketknife?

Right.

Felipe's Flowers is around the corner.

They deliver.

You buy a dozen red roses.

Then with the extra money you have left, buy a card.

Have Felipe fill it out for you.

You want me to tell them to write something gushy?

Now you're catching on.

Aren't you coming?

I think this is something you should do on your own.

(pounding on door)

(indistinct conversation on TV)

Carla Covington?

Uh, yes.

Sign here, please. Wow!

Who are they from?

The card is in the flowers, ma'am.

Oh, my.

Well, thank you.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you.

(Teddy's voice) "I know I've been acting a little crazy

"but I love and beg you will forgive me.

"And don't forget to give Teddy an advance on his allowance.

Love, Gordon."

Hey, Mom.

Wow! Where'd you get those?

Your father sent them.

He never sends me flowers.

Well, he's been acting a little crazy.

You should probably forgive him.

You know he loves you, Mom.

That's funny. That's exactly what he said.

How cute.

Like father, like son, I guess.

Let's not get carried away.

You know, he probably has suffered enough.

Maybe I should give him a call.

Yeah!

Hey, folks.

Looking for a Christmas bargain you can't turn down?

I've got one for you.

I'm Crazy Gordon of Slykes Used Cars.

Not only am I slashing prices on all my used cars,

but I'm going to give a car away every hour

from now and until midnight.

It's part of my Secret Santa giveaway.

If you can guess which keys in my pocket start what car,

you get that car for free!

Why? Because I'm crazy.

And you're crazy if you don't come on down

to Slykes Used Cars.

We've got the Christmas spirit

so come on down and get with it.

Crazy Gordon is giving away cars

because he's lost his senses.

So come, folks, come on down and see Crazy Gordon!

Was that your father?

Uh, no.

That was Crazy Gordon, this new guy.

How crazy of me.

I thought he could change. Uh, Mom.

He's embarrassing both of us.

Did you see the way those girls were kissing him?

He's just doing his job, Mom.

Yeah? Well, so am I.

He wants to be Santa Claus, fine.

Here's some snow for him.

You know what, your father just doesn't get it.

Guess not.

All right, that's cut!

Wrap it up, guys.

Well, Mr. Slykes, what do you think?

Oh, kid, you sure know what the people like.

Oh, by the way, Louie and Donny are bringing over

some cars later tonight.

That CEO job is locked if you keep this up.

You can bet on it.

What are you doing?

Standing there polishing Christmas tree ornaments.

Get to work!

You are being very bad.

Santa won't like this.

I don't see you, I don't hear you.

I'm ignoring you.

Oh, really?

Yeow!

(lock latching)

Mmm.

(static blaring)

(Lilith on radio) I don't like being ignored.

You got it.

And stand at attention!

Though most people find t hard to beliee

that they've been chosn to be a Santa Clau,

they are eventually convinced,

follow through with their duties

as they've been instructed,

and are better people for it.

I...

Don't interrupt.

Okay. You, on the other hand,

look like a Sant, but act like a moro.

These commercials you're doing to sell stolen cars?

They're a disgrae to the Christmas spiri.

And you still haven't patchd things up with your famil.

They left me.

You left them long ag.

Yeah, well, those cars aren't stolen, I have the titles.

Oh, all freh and brand-ne?

They're fake.

I don't believe it.

(fingers snap)

Believe this.

I'm very busy up at the North Pole right now

and I don't have time to come down here and set you straight.

Fly right, Covington, or else.

Yes, ma'am.

I'll be watching you.

I don't listen to no stinkin' elves.

I better tell him.

Teddy?

(footsteps approaching)

Yes, Mom.

I left a phone message for your father

telling him we're moving to Phoenix

to live with your grandmother.

We're leaving tomorrow.

On Christmas Day?

Yeah.

What about Margo?

Will I ever see her again?

We can come back and visit.

Teddy, you can always stay here.

Why can't you two work things out?

We've tried.

Try harder!

(distant dog barking)

He'll get over it.

Now, the Volkswagen is a people's car.

But the Volvo makes it worth it.

Excuse me. Hi there.

Hi. Does the key fit that car?

Let's see.

Let's see if you're going to win a free car!

Okay.

Oh, rats.

Darn.

I guess that's the way it goes.

Would you like me to show you any other cars?

Uh, no. I'll, um, look around.

Thanks.

Hello there.

Low miles on this one.

I'm not really Santa Claus, kid.

Go bug your parents, they're over there somewhere.

Look how straight it is, never been in an accident.

What's the gas mileage?

Well, it's a small car so it gets good mileage,

even in the city. What?!

Teddy!

We need to talk.

This way.

Hey! Does the key fit in that car?

Get lost!

Jerk.

You're sure you don't want any pizza?

For some reason,

the only thing I want nowadays is Christmas food.

Mom says we're moving in with Grandma.

You're going to Phoenix?

She saw one of your commercials.

Didn't like it, huh?

Why can't you just say you're sorry

and make everything right?

Because what I'm trying to do here

is make a better life for all of us.

She should be able to see that and support me.

I shouldn't have to be sorry about it.

We're leaving Christmas morning.

She wasn't even going to tell me.

She left you a message.

Listen, all I can say is that

after this Christmas sale is over,

I'll set everything right.

But for now, I have to continue on my course.

It's the manly thing to do.

(sighing)

Guess I better call your mother.

Hi, Mom.

Hi, sweetie.

Come on, Teddy.

I'm sure your mother and Gordon would like to speak in private.

Bye, Dad.

You're 20 minutes late.

Well, at least I wasn't supposedly watching our son

when he biked across town!

So how are things?

Fine.

Oh, I saw your commercial.

Do you have any pride left at all?

Good-bye.

Please watch our son so he doesn't bike off

in the middle of the night.

Well, if he had a father that was a father

instead of a full-time clown, he might not be so impelled.

Oh, so now I'm a clown.

I'm Santa Claus!

Santa Clown.

Well, this Santa Clown is gonna be CEO of Slykes Used Cars.

Yeah, well this mother is taking her son to Phoenix.

Phoenix? To your folks?

You don't even like your dad.

He's dead, Gordon. Thanks for noticing.

Fine. Go to Phoenix.

I'm running out of room, Ambrose.

But you got to keep the cars moving.

I'm bringing in five more tonight.

Now look, Eric in Van Nuys

has got the same size lot you have

and he's not having any trouble.

I've never sold cars so fast.

Well, if I don't drop them off here,

I-- I guess I'll have to give them to Eric.

See what I mean about those titles?

Do I deliver these to Eric?

No, I guess I'll just have to find a place for them.

Maybe we can use the parking lot at the kids' recreation center.

Mrs. Sanders would probably understand.

I'm warning you. Stay away from this guy.

That's a great idea.

We can take over the entire place.

We can... evict them.

No, no, I don't know about that.

No, no. It's brilliant.

I knew you had the killer instinct.

Come on, let's go give those rugrats the bad news.

(Lilith) Gordon. Well, okay.

Gordon!

Okay, Mr. Slykes.

(boy) Ow!

(woman) Once upon a time, a long time ago,

there was a little boy by the name of Franklin

but he was very, very slow.

And he had no hair.

Good afternoon, Mr. Slykes, Mr. Covington.

What a Santa Claus suit.

Maybe you could come by and...

(Slykes) Pack it up, baby.

You and your little street urchins

are getting the heave-ho.

Eviction.

What? It's Christmas Eve.

I guess so.

What did we do wrong?

You can't go through with this.

It's going to go on with or without me.

Some of the children here have no other safe place

to spend their time.

Aw. What do I look like?

Father Flanagan?

I'm a businessman.

Read it and weep.

Teddy!

Margo?

We have to go to the rec. center.

You're dad's about to throw everybody out.

Let's go!

Maybe there's some way you-- you'd reconsider?

No way.

You can't let him go through with this.

Look, he's my boss.

He's got his mind set on it.

I've never had to work with a Secret Santa worse than you

and I've dealt with several on Alcatraz.

Gordon, stop talking to yourself and get your butt over here.

Now, all we need is your signature.

(electrical charge)

What just happened?

I couldn't let you go through with it.

Where are we?

Your house, Christmas morning, 1967.

Have a look.

Have a look.

Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

Merry Christmas, son.

(Lilith) You don't recognize this room,

these people?

It's me and my parents.

Why are we here?

Get a grip, Greedy. You'll see.

Come on.

Boots?

I wanted a train.

Son, this world is full of suckers and winners.

I want you to be a winner.

A toy train isn't going to get you anywhere in life,

but with good pair of boots, you can start working.

Shoveling snow, mowing lawns,

making money.

He's only a boy.

The sooner he learns the meaning of a buck, the better.

Can't you see I'm trying to teach him the lessons of life?

I wanted a train.

I really wanted that train.

Those were perfectly fine boots.

Last year you gave him a shovel.

It was a perfectly fine shovel.

If you don't change your ways, Gordon.

Teddy will be saying the same thing to his children.

Change, Gordon.

Now come on.

"Dear Santa Claus,

"All I want for Christmas is my dad to believe in you.

"If he did, he would understand the spirit of Christmas

"and might be nicer to everyone,

"including me and my mom.

"Please help him find the spirit of Christmas.

Love, Teddy."

See what you're doing?

How can I make it up to him?

Change.

Change? How?

I've only known one way since I was a kid.

Exactly.

Just as your father taught you,

as you are teaching Teddy,

and as Teddy will teach his children.

Change, Gordon.

I'm a used car salesman, died and caste.

I cornered the market on used bikes

when I was about his age.

I'm a bottom-line guy.

The bottom line, Gordon, isn't how many cars you sell

or the job title that you're striving for,

it's the love that your family members have for each other.

They love me.

They're leaving you, Gordon.

And all you'll have is an empty house.

Come on.

You don't really think she's going

to take Teddy away, do you?

What do you think?

This is your moment, Gordon.

It's all up to you.

I never believed it would come to this.

Now I know what I must do.

Hey.

Here. Just sign it, kid.

Then I'll take you over to The Pink Monkey

and we'll celebrate. You know why?

Uh, uh, no.

Because I'm giving you the CEO job right now.

Now come on, let's get it over with.

Sign it.

Sign it. Sign away.

Don't do it, Dad!

Teddy.

Will you sign the eviction notice already?!

Don't sign it, Dad.

Please, you can't close this place down.

No, no.

I can't. I can't evict these kids!

What? Here, give me that.

Thank goodness!

Mr. Slykes, the real bottom line

is the love you share with your family.

Have you gone crackers, kid?

Furthermore, I think those cars that Louie and Donny

are bringing to the lot are stolen.

We'll be right back.

Come on, kids.

I'll order pizza.

I think my dad's in trouble.

We're on it.

Well, get him out of the car.

He's lost it.

Started shooting off his mouth about our little operation.

You can't do this to me!

I'm a Secret Santa.

You're sure fat enough to be Santa Claus.

You ever seen the way this guy eats?

Look, just tie him up.

Then see if you can find his lot lizard.

We're going to have to nix this whole operation.

Get down. Get down.

Unhand me! I'm Santa Claus!

Ah, shut up!

You'll get nothing in your stocking this year, young man.

I'm telling you. Oh shut up, Merry.

What are they gonna do with my dad?

I don't know.

What's wrong with you?

Let's call the cops.

That wouldn't be a good idea right now.

You're dad could get into a lot of trouble

for selling stolen cars.

Stolen cars.

Slykes set us up.

I check the titles he's been giving us with the DMV

and they're phonies.

I'll have to go in there myself if I have to.

Easy, cowboy.

I gotta to think this one through.

I'll tell you one more time.

I'm a Secret Santa.

I'm helping Santa deliver presents this year.

There's an elf that's helping me.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Holiday nog's done rot his brain, boss.

(chuckles)

Well, whatever it is,

his big mouth isn't gonna put me in jail.

As a matter of fact, you're gonna take the rap.

(mumbling)

Now here.

Here's a list of all the cars that were stolen

from the retirement village.

Only in this revised version,

only you and Donny are in on the scam.

Hey, hey, hey!

Are you guys trying to double-cross me?

Sorry, Donny.

(cuffs clicking)

(Slykes) We gotta clear our tracks.

Put him in the back of the car.

All right, we'll take him to the warehouse,

then I'll figure out what to do next.

What are you doing with my dad?

Kirk, you're fired.

I quit.

And you. You little brats.

You call the cops and I'll deny everything.

And then I'll come and get you.

Kirk, anybody calls the cop, you're in big trouble, buddy.

I'm already wanted in 49 states.

I'm out of here.

What about my dad? He'll-- he'll be okay.

I thought I'd find you here.

Mom, they've kidnapped dad.

Right, and they're holding him for a million-dollar ransom.

Teddy, I told you I don't want you hanging around here.

Mom, I'm telling the truth.

Margo, I suggest you go home right now.

Teddy, get in the car.

But what about my bike?

We'll come and pick it up later.

Get in the car.

But Mom, I'm telling the truth.

(Gordon screaming) Ahh!

(groaning)

(shuddering)

Ah, oh...

Where is he?

I don't know.

You idiot.

(Gordon shivering)

I certainly have made a mess out of things.

I should have listened to that elf when I had a chance.

I should've paid more attention to my family...

been there when they needed me.

Now I may never see them again.

I just need one more chance.

One chance to make things right.

Oh...

(owl) Who?

Why, why, why, me, of course.

Who said that?

(owl) Over here.

Youse lost your way?

You're-- you're an owl! A talking owl!

Yeah, right, and you're Santa Claus.

No, I just look like him.

Duh! So what are youse doing out here?

I don't know. Where am I?

The North Pole, of course. Ya cold?

Yeah. Freezing.

Yeah, I know. That's tough.

Can you help me?

I don't think so.

You're Gordy Covington, right?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Sorry, pal, the word's out on you.

Nobody gives a hoot one way or another what happens to you.

I've done some rotten things.

Yeah, a lot of things.

Okay, a lot of rotten things.

But I've changed. I've seen the light.

All I need is another chance to prove

I'm not the old Gordon I used to be.

Well, it's no mouse in my craw either way, pally,

but if you keep moving north you'll come to Santy's place.

Will he help me?

Well, I wouldn't, but then he's known

to be soft on mooks like you.

Give it a try, what have you got to lose?

You're right. North you say?

Straight ahead.

Thanks.

Yeah, whatever.

(sighing)

Hmm, oh.

Hey, hey--

Hmm.

North Pole, huh. See ya.

What a mess I've made of things.

How could I have ever been so blind?

I rented a cabin for Christmas.

Snowboarding, snowball fights, the works.

Yes! My first white Christmas.

That's right.

Take it. Just take it, kid.

I'd feel better if you did.

Okay, I'll do it.

But if one of those llamas bites my kid, I'll sue.

I had to go the NASCAR races last year.

Ambrose invited me, I couldn't say no.

It was-- it was business.

I'll dress up like Santa Claus.

My Christmas play is tonight at 7:00.

I'll be there.

I don't listen to no stinkin' elves.

Hey! Does the key fit in that car?

Get lost!

Do I deliver these to Eric?

No, I guess I'll just have to find a place for them.

Are we going for sure this year?

Of course, I promise.

Ah...

Hello, Earth to Santa.

Uh, I'm not Santa Claus.

I just look like him.

Yeah, right.

You've got the beard, you've got the hat,

and like you're fat.

I haven't always been fat.

Listen, one minute I'm in the trunk of a car,

the next minute I'm walking through the forest.

I don't even know where I am.

Oh, you're a Secret Santa.

Chapter ten in the elf manual.

I knew I should have read that.

Great, I'm with an elf and she doesn't know

where we are either.

Look, I may be an elf in training

and you may be a Secret Santa but, hey, you know what,

let's go find out about this place to get her.

Okay, lead the way. Let's go.

What's this?

Why, the mine shaft, of course.

Mine shaft?

Where do you think all those lumps of coal come from, huh?

Oh, I got a lot of those when I was a little kid.

I bet you did.

Come on, let's go.

Okay.

And this is the place where Santa makes all his

Christmas treats for the good little boys

and good little girls of the world.

Oh, boy!

Hey, you! You're fat enough already.

Come on, let's go. Okay.

Well, this is it.

This is the end of the road for me.

You're on your own from here on out.

Well, what is this place?

This is the place where you'll get all the answers.

The only problem is I can never figure out

how to get this door open.

(door rattling)

Maybe we should just knock.

(gasps) What a great idea.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

Whoo, whoo. Hurry up, hurry up.

Whoo. Whew.

Well, look what the cat dragged in.

I've changed. Mmm.

I told you I would. Mmm-hmm.

Hmm, hmm.

(chuckling)

I'm impressed.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

(wind whistling)

Where am I?

Santa Claus's home.

Really?! Yeah.

Give me a hand.

Eh, eh. Wipe your feet!

You'll have the missis on my case.

Come on, I'll give you the tour.

How do I know this isn't a dream?

Ow! Oh, it's not a dream.

Is he here?

The man?

Yeah. He's in bed.

He's old.

Check this out.

What is this?

It's a signature book...

of all the people who have been Secret Santas.

You didn't think Santa could deliver presents by himself.

Guess not.

These folks were asked to do what you're doing.

Santa isn't a single person, he's a spirit of good will.

Think what life would be like without Christmas.

No fruitcake and eggnog.

Just kidding.

Think of all the love that otherwise would not

be expressed if we didn't have Christmas.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

Sign your name.

Andrew Stevens.

Andrew Stevens. Ugh.

Very naughty this year.

(thunder rumbling)

Every letter sent to Santa is read.

The child's request is recorded by the register

and checked off by zip code.

You mean Santa doesn't read every letter?

Between you and me, no, he doesn't.

I mean, two and a half million letters a year and rising.

The man is old.

(girls) Howdy, Secret Santa!

(Gordon) Ho, ho, ho!

Merry Christmas!

(girls) Merry Christmas!

(computer beeping)

This is our monitoring room.

Where we really find out who was naughty and who was nice.

We have many of these rooms spread throughout the home.

Wow.

Of course! I can you a big discount.

Secretly, I own the place.

That old guy, Slykes, he's just a front for tax purposes.

Oh! That's so exciting!

(Gordon) Wow! Santa really does know.

(beeping)

Whoa, it's late.

We gotta get you in a magic Santa suit.

Let's roll.

Let's rock.

Your ride.

No reindeer?

Their union was too hard to negotiate with.

Uh, I don't think I have a license to drive this thing.

Don't worry. It's programmed.

This is your show.

I'm just here to supervise.

This is miniature gift-location and disbursement finder.

Called a MINI for short.

The LCD readout will automatically tell you

which presents go under what tree.

Where are the presents?

They're in here!

Are you kidding?

It's huge in there.

I know. Let's roll.

Oh, you still have to say, "Onward Dasher

"and Dancer, on Prancer

"and Vixen, on Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.

And Rudolph!"

(wind whistling)

Okay. Check your MINI.

Our first house is coming up.

Okay, a baseball bat and a pair of roller blades.

One baseball bat...

and, uh, roller blades?

Yeah, I remember wrapping that one.

Aren't we going to land?

No, when I say the word, just throw them overboard.

Okay!

Okay.

(growling)

I don't understand how this works.

Don't worry.

The presents, they made it right down the chimney.

Most of our sleighs are PGDS-equipped.

PGDS?

Precision Gift Delivery System.

A couple of our elves at MIT developed it.

Okay, check your MINI.

We only have four seconds between chimneys.

This one gets a puppy.

A puppy?!

Oh...

Good luck, little fella.

Okay.

If that's it, do you think

we could go through a drive-thru?

I'm starving.

It's Christmas Eve, Santa. Everything's closed.

Not in Vegas!

We're not done yet. Check your MINI.

265 Rochester?!

That's right. Your sister-in-law's.

We're gonna do this the old-school way.

With pleasure.

(siren blaring, horn honking)

Oh! (laughing)

(sighing)

You know...

I never dressed up like Santa Claus for Teddy.

We never set cookies out or anything.

I thought they would just get stale.

Well, now you know better.

Here's a little something.

A little gift from me. (chuckles)

Thanks.

Thanks a lot.

(whispers) Good luck, Santa.

Thanks.

You're gonna do just fine.

Thanks.

Yup.

Gonna do just fine.

Merry Christmas, Teddy.

Santa's here.

Dad?

Santa Claus?

They made me a Santa Claus, son.

It  you.

Santa Claus does exist!

You were right.

Say, would you like to ride in Santa's sleigh?

Yeah!

First, I have something for you.

Tickets to Aspen.

We are gonna have a white Christmas after all.

Thanks, Dad.

Come on, let's go.

We've got 15 minutes to get to Tokyo.

Okay.

Wow!

Cool sleigh.

And... a real elf?

Yes, thank you.

See, he knows better than to call me a leprechaun.

Santa, head due south.

We got a score to settle.

(all) Whoa!

Yeah, I-- I know it's Christmas Eve,

but I got a great idea.

You want a promotion, don't you?

Look, I'm moving to Palm Springs.

I need somebody to run all my lots for me.

I had a bad feeling about him.

I should have listened to it.

What are you gonna do about it now?

Will you watch my back?

Of course.

Hold on.

What's taking you so long, stupid?

Well, boss, they don't make these cars like they used to.

They're a lot harder to steal.

Now, listen...

Merry Christmas, Ambrose.

The office party is over there, Santa.

You've been a bad boy!

Well, haven't we all.

(groaning)

Bye, Santa. I'm busy.

Well, I'm just getting started.

(electrical charge)

No one messes with the Claus.

You really are Santa Claus?

I thought you were just in kids' books.

Wrong again.

And I know what you did to Gordon Covington.

Gordon who?

Dangled a promotion in front of him.

Pushed stolen cars on him.

Oh, that Gordon Covington.

Well, I know him.

You only thought you did, kid.

Ambrose? Yeah, Santa.

You're only getting one thing for Christmas this year.

A stretch in the pokey.

Oh, in your dreams, chubby!

Ohh! Ahh!

Good assist, son.

You know, if you'd only given me

the red wagon I asked you for, Santa,

I wouldn't have had to steal one

and go down the path of crime.

(Lilith) You're lying.

You got the red wagon.

But you wanted a bigger one with chrome wheels,

so you went out and stole it.

Here's to making a fresh start.

Let's try this again.

(crying) Oh, it's my little red wagon.

(dialing)

9-1-1? This is Santa Claus.

I'd like to report a crime against the Christmas spirit.

Yes, I'll hold.

Uh, Merry Christmas, boss.

Shut up.

(whooping and laughter)

Whoa!

Whoa!

(laughter)

We better get you back home now, son.

Whoo-hoo! Whoo!

(laughter)

(all) Whoa!

(giggles)

Whoa. Dad, that was awesome.

I can't promise you a sleigh ride every year.

But I can promise you that we are going to be

a much happier family from here on out.

Okay, I won't promise, I'll just prove it.

I know you will, Dad. I love you.

I love you too, son.

See you tomorrow.

Bye, Dad.

(sniffling)

Hey.

What?

There's a snowflake in my eye.

Onward.

Onward?

Take off. (laughing)

Oh, no.

I forgot to tell Dad we're leaving

for Phoenix tomorrow morning.

Teddy, what are you doing up?

Uh, I was... er... thirsty.

No, opening presents 'til morning.

Okay? Okay.

Now you get back in bed.

Okay.

Santa can get here without any of your help.

Good night. Good night.

I wish I could keep the sleigh.

You can't.

The last thing to take care of is the meeting.

The meeting?

With him.

This is the end of the line for you and me.

I know I've been a pain in the neck,

but it's been worth your while.

I've changed, truly changed.

What are you gonna do for work?

Hmm.

I wonder if the Easter Bunny needs help.

Gordon.

(chuckling)

He's waiting.

(door opens)

Gordon. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Santa Claus.

You know, you have experienced the spirit of Christmas

in a very unique way.

You got to be Santa Claus for a night.

But there's one more request I have to make of you.

When you go back to your life,

don't leave the spirit of Christmas just in your mind.

Carry it with you every day and act on it.

Now go and just have a wonderful life.

I will.

Bye, Gordon.

Bye. Thank you.

(door opens, shuts)

(birds chirping)

(chuckling)

(laughing)

I'm not Santa Claus anymore. (chuckles)

I couldn't have asked for a better present.

Thank you. (chuckling)

Hmm.

(beep)

(Teddy) Dad, we're taking off for Phoenix today.

Hurry.

(engine starts)

Don't worry, sis.

It's gonna be great to be back home.

Oh, I don't know.

Look, you gave him a chance.

You gave him a whole lot of chances.

I know.

It's just that I know Teddy's really gonna miss him.

(scoffs) He was never there to miss.

That's the point.

I guess you're right.

Come on, Dad.

Teddy, ready to go?

No. I don't want to go.

I know.

It's just that it...

it's better for both of us this way.

If your father wanted us, he would've come back for us.

Come on.

(distant siren blaring)

(siren grows louder)

Oh, my God.

Dad!

I didn't think you'd make it.

No one ever had the cops chasing after me.

I came as soon as I could.

I just got your message.

I'll take care of this.

Hey.

Back off, man.

Can't you see that this is a reuniting family?

I want you to come home.

I've changed.

You're shaving again, and you've lost the weight.

No, I've changed inside.

Ambrose is a jerk.

I was a jerk. You were right all along.

I realize that you two, my family,

are all I really have... or need.

I want you back.

You need therapy, you know.

In a manner of speaking, I've had it.

I was Santa Claus last night.

You kept the store open on Christmas Eve?

No, not Secret Santa.

I mean, I was really Santa Claus.

I delivered thousand of gifts, I rode around in his sleigh,

met the man.

It was totally unbelievable!

You can say that again.

I was with him last night, Mom.

He is telling the truth.

Are you kidding me?

Forget all the Santa stuff.

I've changed, I swear.

Please come home.

I love you.

I love our son.

I love you too.

Oh... (chuckles)

Hey.

That was a great thing you did there, man.

Thanks.

Want to come in for some coffee?

Sure.

It's Christmas, isn't it?

How fast was he going?

Oh, I don't know. I was just bored.

Really?

Yeah, it was a slow morning.

Plus, it's a great way to meet chicks.

No.

Mom, did Dad tell you we're going to Aspen?

Aspen?

We can't afford that.

It's a gift from a good friend.

A good friend?

Yeah, I would say so.

Make that a great friend.

You know, you're gonna love Aspen.

Those mountains are beautiful.

The snow, you won't believe it.

Okay... I'll do it.

But if one of those llamas bites my kid, I'll sue.

Aah!

Next.

(shrieks)

It's my little red wagon.

Don't ever call me a leprechaun.

I'm an elf.

Yup...

gonna do just fine.

When you go back to your life,

don't leave the spirit of Christmas just in your mind.

Carry it with you every day.

This is the place where you get all the answers.

(laughing)

Thank goodness!

Well, I wouldn't, but then he's known to be

soft on mooks like you.