Original subtitles

[up-tempo music]

[up-tempo music continues]

- [stair squeaks] - [woman] Buddy? Is that you?

- Yeah, Mom. - You're home from work early.

Yeah, um, I'm going out tonight.

[mother] Please, darling, don't track dirt in the living room.

[Buddy] I won't.

- [mother] Buddy? - Mom, I'm in a hurry.

All right, only maybe someday you'll tell me what I did to deserve it.

[Buddy] Deserve what, Mom?

A son who's gone all day and comes home

and doesn't even ask his mother how she's feeling.

How do you feel, Mom?

Don't ask.

Gee, Mom, I'm sorry you don't feel well.

I would've come to you, darling, but I can't leave the stove.

- Sure. - You know your father likes stuffed peppers.

So I'm trapped here all day like an animal.

It's only 5:00. Where are you going?

I told you, Mom. I'm going out.

- Without dinner? - Oh, Mom, don't worry.

- I'll eat, honest. - Where? What?

Better have something now.

Oh, no, Mom, listen. I'm not hungry now.

Here's some potato pancakes. I just warmed them up.

- Oh, no, Mom, I can't eat now. - Eat.

Over the sink, I just waxed the floor.

Now, let me see, what else can I get you?

- The pancakes are enough, Mom. - There's some nice, cold lamb. Would you like some cold lamb?

- Mm-mm. Nothing else... - Over the sink with the pancakes.

And if you're going to eat like a slob, don't do me any favors.

Mom, I didn't want to eat anyway!

Sure, that's why you're eating them.

Now I don't have enough for your father.

But, Mom, you gave 'em to me!

Oh, what's the use?

I'll see you later. I gotta go.

- All right. You'll be back early? - Yeah, sure.

Some backache. Khrushchev should have such a backache.

[mother] Harry, is that you?

No, it's a burglar...

...coming through the front door at 5:00...

...for dinner!

[mother] I see you're in a good mood.

Don't start with me.

[mother] You must've had some day, coming home in such a mood.

The newspapers, you put them on the dining room table again.

They're clean. I had them boiled.

That's all I need is scratches.

You'll spoil your appetite.

All right, Harry, something's eating you up alive.

What is it, what could it be?

Well, what is it, what could it be? Your son!

Sh!

Harry, the neighbors.

So, it's Alan again?

Hasn't been to the office for three days. Three days!

And who's waiting for him all that time?

Only Eckman from Dallas, one of our biggest accounts!

For three days I'm making up stories

while that, that bum... Who knows where he is!

- Your son. - My son.

When it's Alan, it's my son.

When it's Buddy, it's yours.

Buddy's different, he's got a head on his shoulders.

You'll spoil your appetite!

Come, I made stuffed peppers special.

[Harry] I want something first.

Where is Buddy? He left the plant early today.

He had an early date. Stop picking and close the door.

You'll let the cold out.

What's the difference? There's no food in there anyway!

This isn't a refrigerator, it's an aluminum mine!

So it's an aluminum mine!

- Where was Buddy going tonight? - He didn't say.

I'll feel better when he meets a nice girl, gets married...

Don't push so hard. Sometimes I think that's why Alan never married.

Alan I didn't push hard enough.

And you, you were too soft all together.

Sure, my fault, blame it on me.

My fault Alan lives the way he does.

- Please, Sophie... - My fault he won't settle down.

It's nobody's fault!

Three days he don't come to the office. I don't know what to do anymore.

Harry...

...eat.

Eat. Some solution.

They're looking for you at the United Nations.

Four hours and ten minutes exactly.

Not bad for one-hand driving, huh?

Next time, we'll try with no hands.

- Next time. - [purrs]

- I'll race you to the elevator. - All right.

I win!

So you did.

Now let's go right to my place where I keep the prizes.

- No, Alan. - But you said you were cold.

Well, I am.

Come on, I'll have your blood going up and down in no time.

Wanna stop in the lobby for messages?

You didn't press my floor.

I'd rather press you.

- But, Alan, it's been a long drive. - No, no.

Let's not part yet. Let's have a little drink to cap off the perfect weekend.

We're here.

- But Alan... - Oh, come on.

- Alan... - Look, ever since I was a kid

I've had a thing about going into a dark apartment alone.

- Really, Alan? - Would I lie to you about a thing like that?

Yes.

You're right. Come on.

Ooh.

This apartment... Every time I come up here, it just sends me.

Actually, it's a mere hovel.

But it's rather like me, it responds to beautiful women.

Don't you ever get tired of looking sensational?

- Think I do? - You kidding?

See those guys on that ski jump?

They were watching you and jumping in the parking lot.

[both laughing]

Ooh, you were right.

My blood is running up and down.

Mm. Now I'll get that drink I was telling you about.

- Alan? - Mm-hm?

Thank you for the weekend.

I had a wonderful time.

Yeah, it was fun.

Even though he didn't show up.

Even though... he, do... what show up?

Your friend from Paramount.

Oh, Macintosh! Yes, of course, that's show biz.

Did it say when expects to return to New York again?

- Did what say? - The telegram from Hollywood.

Oh, didn't I tell you? Yes, of course, he's, uh, he's coming next week. Next week.

Uh, early part. Monday or Tuesday or something like that.

It's kind of funny now that you think of it, isn't it?

- What's funny? - Well, him wanting to meet me in a hotel.

- It wasn't a hotel, it was a ski lodge. - Was it?

- Yes. - Anyway, it was nice.

I've never been to New Hampshire before.

It was Vermont.

Oh, I'm just terrible with names.

I can't imagine why such an important producer

would want to travel all the way up there just to meet me.

Yeah, well, uh... You see, like I was trying to explain to you,

he's doing a picture about a winter carnival.

And he wanted to meet you up there to see how you'd photograph against the snow.

Now that makes sense, doesn't it?

Well, doesn't it?

Oh, sure.

Sure.

We gotta go again sometime when it's not for business.

- Just for fun. - Crazy.

That'll be a swinging weekend.

Let's drink to that.

Maybe next time, I could learn to ski!

It wouldn't surprise me at all.

It's a shame we were cooped up inside so long.

Yeah, well, like I explained to you, we got a bad break in the weather.

- You mean all that snow. - All that snow, it was very bad.

But you know something?

You made the cutest Saint Bernard I ever saw.

- [both laugh] - [slow jazz record plays]

[telephone rings]

- Alan? - Mm-hm.

That's the lobby.

Mm-hm.

Well, you'd better answer it. It might be important.

Ohh...

- Alan... - Mm...

Alan, it might be important.

Lobby, schmobby.

Yeah, hello?

Yeah, about ten minutes ago.

Who? Well, put him on.

Hi, Buddy. What do you say, pal?

You wanna come up now?

Yeah, well, OK. I guess all right.

You know where the apartment is. Come on up.

My kid brother.

I'd better go. I'll slip out the back way.

What are you rushing so? We're on the 20th floor.

It takes a minute and 56 seconds to get up here.

Well, that's all right. I wanted to go downstairs and freshen up anyway.

I'd like to get a little fresh myself.

Oh, do you think he'll be here very long?

Not when you ask me like that he won't be here long.

Well, why don't you come down in about 20 minutes?

Why don't you come up in 19?

OK.

- Bye. - Bye.

[Alan] Come on in, it's open.

Hello, Alan. You busy?

No, no, no. I'm up in the bedroom. Come on up.

- Are you coming up or aren't you, Buddy? - Yeah, I'm coming.

I'm just taking a look around.

Boy, this apartment's always more exciting than I remembered.

- Hi, kid. - Hi, Alan.

I just got back from a trip.

Mind if I freshen up while we visit?

This isn't a visit.

It isn't a...

- What you got in there? - Pajamas, toothbrush. The works.

You're kidding.

- Nope. - You left.

Permanently?

I packed eight pairs of socks.

For me, that's permanently.

I don't believe it.

Well, the baby brother finally went over the wall.

Yeah, we talked about it long enough, didn't we?

Yeah, but every time I brought it up you said you weren't ready.

Why didn't you tell me about it?

When? You haven't been to work since Thursday.

That's true.

Come on, come on in here. Take off your coat.

The old man say anything about my being away?

Well, not at the office. But, boy, at home, he's been slamming doors.

- Yesterday, you know that chandelier in the foyer? - Yeah.

- It fell down. - [makes whistling sound]

[crashing sound]

- Hey, where were you? - Vermont.

- Skiing? - Among other things.

[turns electric razor on]

Well, I don't know how you do it, Alan.

- Do what? - If I'm at work one minute after nine,

he docks my pay and I think I get less to eat at home.

That's because of you he expects things.

But for me, he says he expects nothing.

That's what he thinks he gets, nothing. [laughs]

Hey, you know, the other night, you know what he did?

- No. - I came home about 4:00 in the morning.

So what does he do? As I walk by his bedroom door,

he crows like a rooster!

You mean, cock-a-doodle-doo!

Yeah! [crowing]

I felt like clucking back like a chicken, you know?

But, I didn't have the nerve.

Oh, I tell you something.

He's beautiful. He's a beautiful man.

Yeah, he's beautiful all right.

[sighs]

Anyway, I figured it was time I got out.

So I wrote him a letter explaining everything.

He'll get it in the morning.

And here I am.

You should be the one who's... [crowing]

I'm proud of you and I'm glad you're here.

Gee, thanks, Alan.

Hey...

You use a roll-on.

- Sure. - I do too.

And people say we're not alike.

Are they kidding, pal?

Boy, this is beautiful.

What do you call it, Alan?

Alpaca, it's all yours.

- Really? You mean it? - Yeah. Wear it in good health.

Gee, thanks.

Hey, Alan?

Are you sure I'm not gonna be in your way around here?

No, no, of course not.

But maybe we ought to work out a kind of a, you know, a traffic system.

- For instance, I expect a young lady up here in a few minutes. - A girl? Really?

Why didn't you tell me so? Look, if you want me to be out of the place or something,

you just say the word and, uh, I'll go out to a movie.

Yeah, the way things have been working out, you might not miss a picture all year long.

But first, we drink to your emancipation. Come on, pal.

Alan, you really think I did the right thing?

In terms of Dad and all that I mean.

No question about it.

Now what'll you have? Bourbon, scotch, vodka...

- Scotch. Scotch. - Scotch. Scotch the man says.

- And ginger ale. - And a little ging...

Oh, they must know you at every bar in town.

Oh, stop worrying about it, kid.

After all, it's not like you deserted him completely.

You're still working for him, aren't you?

[scoffs] There's gonna be trouble there too, Alan.

I'm thinking about leaving the business.

Boy, you don't fool around. When you bust out, you really go.

Well, it just doesn't interest me anymore, Alan.

Look what's going on in the world today. New countries are being born,

they're getting ready to send men to the moon,

I just can't get excited about making artificial fruit!

Well, it's a business like any other business.

Yeah, it's different for you. You're on the outside.

I'm on the inside, looking at all those petrified apples and grapes.

They never rot, they never turn brown, they never grow old!

It's like the fruit version of Dorian Gray.

The fruit version of... Hey, that's pretty good!

Take a bite of that.

- To the Baker brothers. - Cock-a-doodle-doo!

Well, how do you like it?

- It's different. - It should be, you invented it.

- [doorbell chimes] - Oops! That'll be Peggy.

- Oh, look, I'd better... - No, no, no, no, no. Leave an anchor.

When you see this chick, my boy, you'll be glad you moved uptown!

Oh, my third wish, oh, genie, is that when I open this door

the most beautiful girl in the world will be standing on the other side.

Dad!

This is a pleasant surprise.

Uh...

How are you? How do you feel, Dad? How are you?

How am I? I'll tell you some time, that's how I am.

Um... I've redecorated.

Isn't it nice? How do you like it?

Fancy. Very fancy.

You must have some nice job.

Well, I write half of it off as a business expense.

Well, I mean, after all, you won't open up a showroom

and I gotta take the customers to a nice place.

Customers you bring to a desk. A desk and a pencil.

Oh, no, not today you don't. Today selling is different.

It's not like in your day.

Oh, what's the use? We've been through this 100 times before.

Say, seeing you reminds me I was gonna call you today.

The phone company shouldn't have to depend on your business.

No, no, no, seriously. I wanted to explain.

- There's nothing to explain. - No, but there is.

I wanted to explain why I wasn't in for the last two days.

No, I understand. You work very hard two days a week,

you need a five day weekend, that's normal.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Dad.

I went skiing up in Vermont.

And I planned to be home by Sunday, but I... I hurt my bad ankle.

You know, the thing I always have the trouble with.

I couldn't drive, I thought it was broken.

I'll send you a get well card.

Dad, I'll be in the office first thing in the morning.

That's good news.

You know the address, don't you?

Yes, Dad, I know the address.

I always said you were smart.

Now, I'll see you in the morning.

Right.

Ooh! By the way,

how is the Neiman Marcus account doing?

The Neiman Marcus account?

Yeah, you know, Dallas, our biggest customer...

Oh! That Neiman Marcus! It's going very well.

- Dandy, fine, fine. - The buyer's name is Eckman...

Eckman, Eckman, Eckman. She's coming to town next Friday.

Next Friday?

Yeah.

That's why she called from the Waldorf Astoria last Friday?!

- No! - And again today?

Well, I suppose maybe she called about an order?

Yeah, about an order.

- Did we get one? - Yeah, we got one.

- How much? - Guess.

Oh, I don't know. It's hard to say.

No! Guess how much we got from Eckman?

- Nothing? - Bingo!

Right on the button!

Bum!

Oh, please, Dad, let me explain...

You had a nice weekend, bum? Huh?

I honestly thought she was coming next Friday.

Yeah. Three days she's at the hotel waiting.

While you're playing in the snow. Huh?

- Yes. - Now, wait a minute, Dad.

No more walking, please, I'm tired.

Tomorrow morning, the first thing, I'll call her up. I'll explain it to her.

We're good friends. I promise you, I will not lose the account.

Why? It won't be the first one you ever lost.

You wanna see the list? You can ski down your cancellations!

- Skiing has nothing to do with it. - Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.

I left off golf and sailing, sleeping and drinking, women.

If I was in the bum business, I would want ten like you!

You talk as though I put no time at all in the business.

So, do you?

You take off legal holidays, Jewish holidays,

Catholic holidays, last year you took off Halloween!

Look, Dad, let's face it.

You don't want me around anyway.

Have you ever once asked my advice about the business?

Never, not once.

I admit, I'm not a genius.

But I got a couple good ideas. You want to listen to them?

What does a skier know about wax fruit?

There you go. You won't give me the same respect you give the night watchman.

At least I know where he is at night.

Well, you're never gonna know where I am at night

because what I do at night is my business.

Go ahead, do whatever you like.

- Live like a bum. - Why am I a bum?!

- Are you married? - No!

Then you're a bum!

Well, what's all the hurry?

Hurry, hurry, hurry! I'll get married.

Listen, I heard that for years

when you were 25, 30, 35 you were a bachelor.

Now you're past 35 and you're still not married,

so you're a bum and that's all there is to it.

My stomach is growling.

Who made 35 the closing date?

Just answer that question for me.

Who made 35 the closing date?

Dad, you're not listening to me.

Dad!

I'm sorry.

But, honest, I really want to know.

Why does our relationship depend on my getting married?

Can't you love me no matter what?

You really think I don't love you?

Well, sometimes I wonder. You act so strangely, I don't know.

Go explain parents to children.

I know it isn't easy, Pop,

it's not easy for me either.

But I'm not a bum.

I'm just trying to get a little fun out of life.

I'm not unlike any other normal, healthy, American guy.

American, you are.

Healthy... I'm not too sure.

And if this is normal...

...I'm an Eskimo!

- [clattering] - [Alan] Wait a minute, Dad.

I can explain the whole thing to you.

For crying out loud, it was only a shoe!

At least I got your brother. He'll never be like you.

- Not in a million years! - Yeah, well, he might surprise you.

Ah, there's nothing to discuss. I'll see you tomorrow at the office at 10:00?

- OK. - First, you go to the Waldorf Astoria.

Straighten out with Eckman and get her order!

- I'll get the order. - You'll have to get up early.

No trouble at all, I was just getting ready to go to bed anyway.

- Yeah. - Hi!

Sorry I'm late!

[nervous chuckle] You're not late. You're not even early.

As a matter of fact, you're in the wrong apartment.

I'll explain tomorrow.

It's a funny thing about this lady, Pop, she... She's got insomnia or something.

She goes around every night and she visits people up and down the hall.

And she rings...

The day your brother becomes like you...

...I throw myself in front of an airplane!

- [door slams] - [chandelier creaking]

[chandelier shatters]

Boy, I thought maybe he'd gotten my letter already.

Boy, that took the cake.

Yeah.

Hello, Waldorf?

Would you ring Miss Eckman, please, in 404?

Hey, what about that Peggy? She's coming back up, isn't she?

No, I told her come back tomorrow.

No answer yet? Well, this is Alan Baker again.

Yes, thank you.

- [telephone rings] - Hello? Who's this?

Is that Eckman?

Connie. Hello, baby.

And it took me three weeks to get a date to my prom.

When did you get the time?

You weren't due till tomorrow.

Don't you know you can get arrested having a sexy voice like that?

Hm?

Of course you can. Are you kidding?

Three minutes? Why don't you make it two?

After all, I'm only human.

[makes biting sound]

Hey, Alan, who was that?

That, my dear young brother, was a girl.

And she's on her way over here.

On her way over? I thought you said you were bushed?

Not where this little kitten is concerned.

This one is different.

Oh, you mean this one's serious?

Alan. [clucks tongue]

Who said anything about serious?

- I just said she's different. - Oh.

Hey, you know it sure would solve a lot of things around home if you got married.

I mean, after all, Mom's had an open line to the caterer for three years.

Me, get married? With all of this?

Are you out of your cotton-picking mind?!

- [doorbell rings] - Well, I...

I'd better get my coat.

And for my third wish, oh, genie...

Ah, who's got time?

- Eckman. - You mean, "Eckman, darlin'".

Don't you, lover?

Oh, yeah. That's right.

- Eckman, darling. - All weekend I waited for you.

Since Friday noon. Where were ya... lover boy?

Well, I'm almost too embarrassed to tell you, see.

I was down in Dallas...

Ow. No, really. Eckman, baby, honest.

I knew this was our weekend and I didn't know you were coming here,

so I, I took a plane and I went down to Dallas.

Oh! Ow, ow, ow. And I was in the Dallas Hilton hotel for three whole days

in my room all by myself with a bunch of samples of our stemless purple plums.

- Shut up, lover. - Would I lie to you about a thing like that, honey?

Of course, I could phone the Dallas Hilton.

[stammers] Well, I'd like to ask you to stay, but, uh...

But you're not alone?

That's right, I'm not alone.

- My kid brother's here. - Kid brother?

- Yeah, he's here. - Lover, don't make me laugh.

No, I mean it. Hey, Buddy!

Hey, pal. [whistles] Come here, son.

I was just getting ready to leave, Alan. Hi, Connie.

- Connie? - Honey. Honey, he means.

I told you never to be forward to people you don't know.

Say hello to Miss Eckman.

Miss Eckman, the buyer?

My brother.

I'm sorry, lover.

That's all right, baby. Now you go on home

and get a good night's sleep. And everything's gonna be fine.

Of course, tomorrow night, I want you to look absolutely ravishing.

But I'm due back in Dallas tomorrow.

When we got business to attend to? [clucks tongue]

- But, lover... - Honey, tomorrow night is all ours.

I can't wait for you to see those stemless purple plums.

All right.

- Bye, lover. - Bye.

- Hiya, baby! - I thought I heard good-bye in there somewhere.

- Am I coming or going? - [Alan] Oh, you're coming.

I won't even miss the foreign films.

Golly, I missed you.

Come on in and I'll give you a chance to prove it.

Well, only for a minute, Alan.

- [sighs] I just got off the plane. - [door closes]

I haven't unpacked. I haven't even been home.

Well, that proves it.

I've missed you too, baby.

Oh, Alan.

Please don't take advantage.

I've got enough handicaps as it is.

Like what?

Like being on your side.

Oh, that's silly.

- Oh, put that thing down. - I won't.

OK.

Oh, it isn't fair.

You and me...

...against me.

Just isn't fair!

One more kiss.

I tell you what, if it leaves you cold, I'll quit.

But if it gets you all crazy, then we play house rules.

- Alan, don't. - Come on, what do you say?

Oh, Alan, play fair!

I'll put my hands behind my back, I'll spot you a five point lead,

and I'll only be permitted to use my underlip.

Oh, Alan, not now, please. I haven't even got the strength to put up an interesting fight.

I... I just came here to say I'm back.

And... to tell you something.

I guess it must've been a pretty rough tour, huh?

The roughest. And the last.

The last?

Well, that's what I came by to tell you.

I've quit, Alan.

I mean, not just the show. The whole business.

Quit? I don't get it.

Everything's been going so well, how can you give up such a promising career?

Promising? Even you said I was a lousy singer.

Oh, no, I didn't.

I said you had a lousy voice.

Now there's really a difference, you know.

- There is? - Yeah.

I mean, you know, you've got looks, and personality.

And today, that's all you need in the music business.

Even the hockey players are making albums.

Ooh, I'd go on, I guess, if I wanted it that much.

But somehow I just don't care anymore.

It all started when I met you.

Me?

I just don't like being away from you so much.

Well, um... What do you plan to do?

Ooh, well, I'll manage.

I, um, could try modeling.

Or I could become a secretary.

Or a housewife.

A housewife?

Housewife.

You know, sleep-in maid.

I don't... I don't follow you.

It was a joke. [laughs]

And you don't get it.

[sarcastic laughter] I got it, I got it.

Well, don't act like we've never discussed it on this very couch.

Or were they just campaign promises?

And what if they were? I never won the election anyway.

Ohh...

Oh, I'm sorry.

I guess maybe I was just...

...pressing a little too hard.

Yeah, I guess maybe you're just tired from such a long journey.

Yeah, that's it. I'm a little tired.

- Will I see you tomorrow? - If you want.

I want.

- Do I get a good night kiss? - Mm-hm.

Wanna kiss me here or at the elevator?

Well, why don't we start here and finish at the elevator?

[whistling]

Hey, Alan, you know what I've been thinking?

Living here with you, I may never have to eat a meal over a sink again.

I mean, you're gonna let me sit in a chair and eat at a table.

Just like real people, aren't ya?

[laughs]

Take it easy, son, not so fast. You might get the bends.

Crazy. Hey, listen, Alan.

By the way, how do you afford this place?

- What do you mean? - Well, I heard you tell Dad

that you write part of it off as a business expense,

but, gee, the rest of it must cost a fortune.

Well, it's a kind of a peculiar situation.

- [Buddy] Yeah? - Um...

Skip it. I'll tell you about it another time.

OK, but how much is my rent?

I mean, you know, I wanna pay my share or I don't wanna live here.

We'll talk about it the first of the month, all right?

OK. We split everything, 50-50.

Gas, lights, telephone.

Agreed?

[sighs]

Boy, what a birthday.

What birthday?

Well, actually it was last week, but...

Holy smokes, I forgot all about it.

- You were 21 years old. - Yeah.

- Happy birthday, kid. - Thanks, Alan.

Least I could've done was to buy you a present.

[scoffs] I wouldn't lose any sleep over that.

Good night, kid.

[yawns] Good night, Alan.

Mom... Mom!

Mom...

Mom, Mom, I just can't come home.

Well, all right, I'll think about it.

But, Mom, listen, please, don't tear up that letter.

I said I'd think about it.

I will! Mom, I'll call you.

Later. Yeah, I promise.

OK. OK, Mom, now...

Mom, listen, please.

Please don't tear up that letter.

OK, Mom. OK. Bye-bye.

How bad is she?

Oh. Oh, she's terrible.

Gee, last night Dad came home and he carried on something awful.

She was closing windows all night long.

You mean he didn't get the letter yet, huh?

No, he went to the office before the letter came.

[exhales]

She's afraid that he's gonna get that thing and read it and

just go to pieces altogether.

Well... what do you wanna do?

I don't know.

Maybe...

Maybe I should go home.

Go home? Why?

Mom's so upset.

What am I supposed to do?

Grow up.

Sure.

Come out of your shell. You're 21 years old now.

Do you mean I should just forget about the whole thing?

You've earned your freedom.

Now go out and have a fling at life.

Take a bite out of the real fruit of life.

Maybe you're right.

- Then you'll stay. - Why not?

That's the kid brother I love.

Now the first thing we gotta do is get rid of those square clothes.

Hm?

Yeah, we're gonna make you over from head-to-toe.

Come on.

[coins jingling]

* Make like a Mr. Milquetoast

* And you'll get shutout

* Make like a Mr. Meek

* And you'll get cut out

* Make like a little lamb

* Wham, you're shorn

* I tell you son it's time to come blow your horn *

* Make like a Mr. Mumbles

* And you're a zero

* Make like a Mr. Big

* They dig a hero

* You've got to sound your "A" *

* The day you're born

* I tell you chum it's time to come blow your horn *

* The taller the tree is

* The sweeter the peach

* I'll give you the whole magilla *

* In a one word speech

* Reach

* Make like the world's your pudding *

* But light the brandy

* Even the mildest kiss

* Is a dan-dan-dandy

* There'll be no love in bloom *

* Come doomsday morn

* I tell you chum it's time to come blow your horn *

* In civilized jungles

* The females adore

* The lions who come on swinging *

* If you want to score

* Roar

* You can be either read to *

* Or be the reader

* You can be either lead *

* Or be the leader

* Don't wait until you're told you're old and worn *

* Take in some air and get your lips puckered *

* Before you find you're simply too tuckered *

* I tell you chum

* I tell you bum

* It's time to come blow your horn *

[no audio]

[honking]

[light chattering]

You know, I never had a martini before.

It's about time.

- Here's looking at you. - Thanks, Alan.

And I might add, it's a pleasure.

Extreme pleasure.

- Another one? - Certainly.

I'm gonna need a gross of these tonight.

I've not only got Eckman, I've got Connie on my hands.

- A double-header. - Hey, it's a triple-header. You forgot Peggy.

Yeah, I forgot about Peggy.

You know, you ought to get one of those little maps

with the stick pins in them, so you know where everybody is.

Hey, I got an idea. What are you doing tonight?

Why?

I'd like to have you take Peggy off my hands.

Me?! She's expecting you.

All you do is turn the lights down low

and she won't figure it out until she's on her way down the elevator.

- You're crazy. - No, that's how I met her.

She rang the wrong bell one night.

Alan, look, Peggy, she probably babysits for guys like me.

Will you trust me, Buddy boy?

She'll be crazy about you.

Nah, she won't. Nah, nah.

Nah, I just can't do it, Alan. Nah, nah.

I got other plans tonight anyway.

You've got other... What kind of plans?

Well, there's an emergency UN meeting on television

and I'm gonna watch it.

The UN? You know that if I offered this deal

to the Security Consulate they'd call the meeting off?

Look, Alan, I don't know if you care about what's going on in the world today,

but I do. I'm watching telebision.

[laughs] You're watching what?

Telebision.

Say that again, I didn't read you.

Telebision. Tel-e-bision.

[both laugh]

Let me tell you something. I wouldn't watch anything I couldn't pronounce.

All right, you pronounce it.

Telebision.

Now, will you take Peggy off my hands?

OK, OK. But she better like telebision,

or I won't take her off your hands.

Look, Alan, I don't care what I said before. The answer's no.

I'm not seeing Peggy.

I don't understand. What gives with you?

Are you afraid or something?

- Well... - You're afraid.

No, I'm not afraid.

All right, I wanted to get you a birthday present anyway.

And I found something you haven't got.

I don't want another birthday present, I'm really very happy the way I am.

Will you do me a favor, please, Buddy?

I can't handle three dates all by myself.

So if you don't want to do it for me, do it for yourself. What do you say?

- No, I really don't want... - That's my kid brother.

Ten-J, please.

I'm gonna set you up so perfectly, you'll be thanking me

for the rest of your life.

Peg? Hello, sweetheart.

How are ya?

Listen, I got good news and I got bad news.

First, the bad news. I can't see you tonight.

No, I got some important business to take care of.

Now, are you ready for the good news?

He's here.

- Macintosh. - Who?

Paul Macintosh, the producer from Paramount.

- What?! - Yeah, he got in this morning.

He's staying with me in my apartment tonight.

- He wants to meet you. - Sorry, Alan.

Well, don't thank me, sweetheart.

No, I'm doing him the favor.

Yeah, in about ten minutes? Yeah, that'll be fine.

- Bye. - [hangs up telephone]

Well, the ball is over the fence now all you gotta do is run the bases.

Are you out of your mind? Me, a producer?!

- You wanna be a director? I'll call her back. - No! Don't do that.

- Look, Alan, doesn't she know what this McQuillan... - Macintosh.

- Doesn't she know what Macintosh looks like? - No! I made him up.

Made him? Well, what if she calls Paramount and finds out...

She doesn't even know how to dial. She's been auditioning all of her life.

- She loves being discovered. - What am I supposed to do, make her a star?

No, just give her a little part in the picture.

- What picture?! - Ha! How do I know? Make one up.

Look, you're my kid brother. When the chips are down, you'll come through.

- But, Alan... - Oh, this is gonna be

the most beautiful night of your life, pal.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Why couldn't he give me a tie like everybody else?

[doorbell rings]

OK, I'm coming. Just a minute.

Mom!

Oh, darling, I'm so glad you're here.

- Mom, are you all right? - Get me a glass of water, darling.

- I almost fainted on the subway. - Mom, why'd you come here?

And then I got such a dizzy spell, I thought I'd never get here.

What'd you come here for? I told you I'd call you tomorrow. What do you want?

Get me a glass of water, darling.

But, uh...

Oh.

Mom, uh, I hope you'll understand this, but, uh...

- I have an appointment tonight. - Oh, my feet. These shoes are killing me.

Look, you see, I have this appointment and uh...

- Oh, here. - Thank you.

There, feel better?

When did I ever feel better?

Ooh, look at the dirt.

- Look at this place. - It's all right, Mom.

It looks all right? I bet no one's been in here to clean in a year.

Mom, will you, will you listen to me?

Uh, there's a girl coming up here in just a minute.

- To clean? - No, not to clean.

- Uh, she's a friend of mine. - Oh. From our neighborhood?

No, not exactly. You wouldn't know her.

Uh, she's a friend of mine from college

and we're, uh, writing a book together.

Buddy, I want to talk to you about your father.

Mom, we can't talk right now because she's gonna be here in just a minute.

- You told me not to tear up the letter. - Oh, I did.

- I bet you didn't either, did you, Mom? - Course I didn't.

- Right. - But now when he comes home, he's gonna read it

and then you could get killed from the fallout.

Yeah, well, we can't talk about all that right now.

He's gonna blame it all on me.

He's gonna say I was too soft with both of you.

He's gonna say, "Because of you, my sister Gussie has two grandchildren

and all I have is a bum and a letter."

- I know him. - Yeah, well, Mom, supposing I come home tomorrow night, OK?

- And talk to Dad about everything? OK? - Fine, fine.

- Uh, will you come to dinner? - Oh, yeah. I promise.

- I promise. - So what'll I make?

- What? - For dinner? What do you want to eat?

Oh! Anything, Mom. Anything's fine. Yeah.

- Bye! - I want to make something you like, now that you're not home.

OK, how about roast beef?

Roast beef? Fine. I'll make a nice roast beef.

- OK, good. - We had roast beef Monday.

- I can eat it again. - Yeah? All right, darling.

- OK. - Maybe I should get a turkey.

- A nice, big turkey. - Well, all right.

- A turkey sounds just great. Fine, Mom, fine. Bye. - OK.

No, it doesn't pay. A big turkey for three people.

Mom, for heaven's sakes, make anything you like.

Make turkey or roast beef. I don't care what it is.

I'll be there. Now, you just run along home and relax.

And take everything easy. Take a cab.

Take a cab. Where am I gonna get a cab?

Well... I'll get one for you.

- You just wait right there. - Don't rush.

To whom am I talking to?

[groans] My feet.

These shoes are killing me.

[humming]

[telephone ringing]

Hello? Who?

No, he isn't. To whom am I speaking to, please?

Eckman. Mrs. Eckman?

No, no, no.

No, this is Alan's mother.

What? Why should I kid about a thing like that?

No, I am positive he is not here.

A message? Wait a minute. I'll get a pencil.

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Ohh... Mrs. Eckman?

[stammers, laughs]

Well, excuse me, Mrs. Eckman, I couldn't find a pencil.

Talk fast so I can write it down as soon as you're finished.

This is extremely important.

I just learned my husband flew in from Dallas tonight.

From Dallas, that's right.

I've checked out of the Waldorf,

and into the Hampshire House.

I'll wait here. Do you have that?

Yes. It's extremely important, you just learned your husband

is flying in from Dallas tonight.

And you checked out of the Waldorf

and into the Hampshire House,

and you'll wait there.

Yes, yes, I have it.

Well, I do. No, I can't repeat it,

I'm trying to remember. Please, don't talk anymore

I'm going to write it down quickly. Good-bye.

Some message. It's a book, not a message.

Where's a pencil? Humph.

How could they not have a pencil?

[telephone rings]

Suddenly I'm an answering service?

Hello? Who?

No, no, he's out.

This is Alan's mother.

Why should I kid about a thing like that?

To whom am I speaking, please?

Eckman. Mr. Eckman?

Eckman, where did I hear that name before?

Well, ma'am, you tell your son for me

that a little birdie down in Dallas told me all about him.

Now I don't know whether I'm gonna get the pleasure of meeting up with him

this trip or not, because evidently I got to the Waldorf a little bit too late.

But when I do meet up with him, you tell him for me,

that I'm gonna tear his hide off. Yeah.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute, Mr. Eckman,

I just remembered where I heard your name. Your wife.

Yes, I talked to her just a minute ago.

You see, when you said the Waldorf,

everything came back to me.

[stammers] What?

I should hurry up and tell you?

Look, Mr. Eckman, I am not a secretary. I am just a mother.

Without a pencil. All right, all right!

All I know is she checked out of the Waldorf and she's checking into the...

...into the...

Something with a "pencil" in it. I mean with a "house" in it.

- The Hampshire House? - Yeah, yeah. That's it.

The Hampshire House. Yeah.

All right, never mind the thanks. Better let me hang up.

Good-bye.

Businessman, college graduate. Doesn't have a pencil.

Huh!

[telephone ringing]

Oh, for heaven sake.

All right, what do you want from me?

Yes. Who?

Who do you want?

No, no. He's out. This is Alan's mother.

Listen, don't start that with me.

Who is this? Connie what?

Again with the message.

Look... [grunting] miss,

maybe you can write it down. I don't have a pencil.

All right, yes. Yes. yes.

Yes, you're welcome. Good-bye!

Good-bye, good luck, go home. Who knows what she said?

[groans] Who tells him to have so many phone calls?

- It's disgusting. - [telephone rings]

What do they want from my life?!

I wouldn't answer it now if it stood on its head.

I'm getting dizzy.

Yes? What is it?

Who is this? Alan who?

A... Alan?

This is your mother!

Did anyone call?

The whole world called.

Mrs. Eckman? Oh, yeah.

She's at the Hampshire House and she's waiting for you.

- [Buddy] OK, Mom, let's go. - I gotta go now.

Yes, darling. Who? Other messages?

Who remembers? Be glad I was here or you wouldn't have that one.

Mom, hurry up. The cab's downstairs waiting.

Oh, I only hope I don't pass out in the taxi.

Don't worry, Mom, you won't.

Bye.

Oh, boy, I couldn't handle Peggy before, but now!

I gotta get out of here.

I'll write her a note.

Let's see, a pencil, pencil.

"Dear Peggy.

More bad news.

Paul Macintosh...

...is... dead.

Love, Alan."

[doorbell rings]

Hi! I'm Peggy John.

Hi. I'm, I'm not disturbing you or anything, am I?

- Oh, no. Not at all. - Oh, good.

Alan said you wanted to see me.

I do hope you forgive the way I look, but it's been a rather hectic day.

Yeah, it sure has. I know what you mean.

Oh, I mean... No, you look, uh... nice.

Oh, thanks. Coming from you, that's something.

It's a shame you couldn't get up to the ski lodge.

Oh, what ski lodge?

In New Hampshire. Or was it Vermont?

I'm terrible with names.

In fact, I'm afraid I've forgotten yours.

Oh, it's Macintosh.

- Fred Macintosh. - No. Yes. Fred Macintosh.

Right, that's me.

- Oh, would you like to sit down? - Oh, thank you.

I understand you just flew out from Hollywood.

Oh, that's right. Yeah, I did.

Uh, would you like a drink?

Ooh! Just like a transfusion.

I don't mind admitting it, but I'm nervous.

You're nervous?

Why would you be nervous?

Well, you know.

Meeting an important movie producer like yourself

- under these circumstances. - Yeah, I know what you mean.

- You do? - Yeah, sure.

[stammers] I used to feel like that myself.

- Really? - Uh-huh.

Now what would you like to drink?

Well, what are you having?

Oh, a scotch and ginger ale.

Scotch and ginger ale?

Is that the latest kick out on the coast?

Oh! Oh, yeah!

- I think that's cute! - You do?

Oh, yes, I think it's darling!

It's just adorable!

- Howdy. - Yes, sir?

You got a Mrs. Eckman registered?

- I beg your pardon. - A Mrs. Eckman?

Mrs. Eckman. Yes, she just checked in.

Ten-fifteen-A.

- You have a Mrs. Eckman here? - Eckman?

Yes. Ten-fifteen-A.

Ten-fifteen-A.

- And a boo to you... - [gasps]

Oh, did I scare you? I didn't mean to, dear.

Don't be afraid of Waldo, he's harmless.

I'm the one you have to be afraid of.

Come here, baby.

Mm...

Honey, guess what?

I got my contact lenses today.

Yeah, I did. See, they're right there in my eye.

Well, can't see them, can you?

They're just... It's incredible what they do for me.

Here, let me show you how they work.

You see, you open your eye like that and they drop...

...right in your hand.

The doctor said all you do is just spread they eye, and they drop out.

Well, they're supposed to drop right in your hand.

They're not coming out.

Course they're not coming out. You know why?

Because they're not there. I left them in the doctor's office.

Now, Helen, isn't that the stupidest thing you ever heard of ?

You are Helen Lovequist, aren't you?

Good heavens, I made a dreadful mistake.

This isn't even Helen's room.

Oh, how do you do, sir.

You must be this young lady's father.

My name is Spencer. Jefferson Spencer.

I'm terribly sorry. My apologies to the little lady.

- I'm terribly sorry, ma'am. - I'm mighty happy to have met you, Mr. Baker.

Oh, well, thank you...

[Alan] Down, please.

[Connie] I could've had a steak ready at the apartment.

But who knew you were fighting lady heavyweights these days.

Oh, come on, Connie.

I explained. I told you I ran into the door of the taxi cab.

I couldn't understand last night

why you were fighting so hard to keep me in show business.

- It's suddenly very clear. - What's very clear?

It's not my career you're worried about, it's yours.

- My career? - As a lover.

Who were you with just now, Alan?

Was she pretty?

Oh, honey. Look...

You know I'm nuts about you.

Now why do you act like this?

- What's that? - Mashed potatoes and peas. They come with the steak.

The steak's for my eye. What am I gonna do with that?

For all I care, you can stick it in your ear. It comes with the order.

Don't be mad at me, sweetheart.

Oh, Alan, I'm not mad.

I'm serious.

I'm serious about you.

You know what I mean?

Well, sure, I know what you mean.

Well, for some strange reason

I felt you felt the same way I did.

I mean, these past six months were...

Well, they were wonderful, right?

That's why I don't want to see them end.

End?

Alan...

Alan, you might be surprised to learn...

...that some people think of getting serious

as a beginning...

...not an end.

- Connie, wait a minute. Wait a minute, dear. - No!

This isn't fair to either of us. Now let's talk about it for a minute.

- No. - Look, I got a good idea.

Look, I have never been in a handsome cab.

So why don't we go up to Central Park and we'll take a ride in a handsome cab?

And we'll talk this whole thing out. Would you like a ride in a handsome cab?

OK.

Hey, buddy, would you help a fella out? I ain't ate in two days.

Huh? Come on, what do you say?

Why didn't I tell him the truth? Why did I have to lie, huh?

Why didn't I tell him what I really wanted?

Oh.

You know, Mr. Macintosh,

I'm sure you've heard this before,

but you look awfully young to be a producer.

- I do? - To look at you, I'd say you were only about 29.

But I bet I'm way off!

Yeah, you're way off all right.

Well, now, down to business.

- What? - Well, I suppose you'll want to know what I've done.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Not necessarily.

I'll be perfectly honest with you.

I've never been in a movie before.

- Is that right? - But I'm not totally inexperienced.

That's what Alan told me.

Last summer, when I was on the coast, I did a TV film.

- No kidding? - I was a dead body.

They fished me out of the river.

I think I saw that.

Is that so?!

Oh, yeah. You were very good.

Oh, thank you!

Really now, I think that's the most remarkable coincidence.

[chuckles] How 'bout that?

And just think, a year later here we are.

Life is funny, isn't it?

Yeah. Hysterical.

Well, is there anything you'd like me to do?

What?

Well, do.

Like, read a scene

or do a take-off on a character, like in class.

Or maybe just talking like this is enough.

It's plenty.

As a matter of fact, I'm a little tired.

Oh, of course!

- From the trip. - Right, from the trip.

Would you like me to massage your think muscle?

- Huh? - Here.

Now, you just close your eyes and relax.

- Oh, no, really. I... - No, no. No, I'm very good at this.

Now just relax, and try and forget

all about the picture business.

No. I can feel it.

You're still thinking about the studio.

Oh, no. No, I'm not.

How inconsiderate of me,

making you talk business on your first night here.

No wonder you're so tense.

- Yeah. - But I'll make it up to you.

I know how to get all that tenseness right out of you.

You do? How?

Television!

Greatest relaxer there is, isn't it?

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

You know, Mr. Macintosh,

you ought to be in your own pictures.

That's an interesting show.

I mean... you're cute.

Hey, you're gonna miss all the fun.

Oh, you're so tense, Mr. Macintosh.

You should relax.

You're sweet, so adorable, Mr. Macintosh.

[makes kissing sound]

- Alan? - Mm-hm.

Tell me something, and no jokes, because it's too important.

Why do you take out other girls?

You know very well why.

Well, tell me again.

It's because I'm only human.

And it's because I've been seeing you for six months.

And, well, I've had to give up certain things and make sacrifices

that are against the very nature of man.

- You mean... - You know very well what I mean.

All right then, Alan. Let's have the truth.

Either you've said to yourself, "I'm going to marry this girl,"

or "I'm going to have an affair with her."

All I ask is that you let me in on your decision.

I mean, if marriage is out, just say so.

And we'll get on with the affair.

But, if you're in love with me,

as I am with you,

you have to tell me

and be prepared to back it up with the rest of your life.

Well, which is it to be, Alan?

Do we march down the aisle or up to your apartment?

That's the lousiest thing I ever heard.

What am I supposed to say?

Well, Alan, say what you really feel.

Well, how can I?

If I say "I want you", I'm yours.

If I say "I love you", you're mine.

- It's that simple. - Oh, no.

I'm not playing at this game. This is more dangerous than Russian Roulette.

Driver, stop.

It's just being honest with each other, Alan,

but you don't want that.

You won't even be honest with yourself.

Connie, wait a minute, will you, please?

- I want to talk to you. Connie! - Taxi! Taxi!

Now just a second. Now hold it a minute.

What's the big idea?

I'd say you needed a chance to think.

No, I don't.

You mean you've made up your mind?

- I have. - Well?

- You'll go along with it? - To the letter.

OK. OK, then.

Let's march right up to my apartment.

That's the lousiest thing I ever heard.

- Where are you going? - To my place.

If I'm going to do business at your apartment,

I might as well get the rest of my merchandise. Let's go, driver.

[soft music plays]

Mr. Macintosh, may I tell you something?

I'm awfully glad your friend, Alan, couldn't make it tonight.

- You are? - Uh-huh.

[telephone rings]

Cool it, man, I'm coming.

I'm coming.

All right, take it easy.

I'll answer it.

Hello.

Dad! Dad, where are you?

Downstairs?!

No, don't come up. Don't come up.

Uh, there's nobody here.

I mean, no, Alan's not here.

[nervous chuckle] Uh, what?

Well, look, supposing... supposing I come downstairs?

What, Dad...

Dad? Dad?

Oh, boy.

[Peggy] Is anything wrong?

What? Oh, no.

Uh, it's just someone I didn't want to see.

Uh, a writer.

A writer? It sounded like it was your father.

Oh, no. Dad's just a nickname!

[nervous laugh] We call him "Dad".

Like, like Ernest Hemingway they called "Papa". You know?

Dad... Ernest... Papa...

Well, anyway, uh, Dad's coming up now.

And, uh, we kind of have to talk alone for a few minutes.

Uh, about some changes in the script.

- Oh! I understand. - Sure.

Maybe I'll go down to my place for a bit.

That's it! Will you do that?

- Of course. - Oh.

[exhales]

Oh, no! Not that way!

Not that way. You see, I don't want him to know I'm auditioning

someone else for the part.

Because I think he has some other actress in mind already.

Oh, I really appreciate that, Mr. Macintosh.

- Thanks an awful lot. - Sure.

I'll go out the back. I know the way.

- OK. - Bye.

Bye.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[doorbell ringing repeatedly]

Why, hi, Dad.

Uh, you all right, Dad?

Is there anything wrong?

I really wasn't expecting you up tonight.

I was gonna go home and have a nice, long talk with you tomorrow night.

I, uh, I even told Mom I'd come home for dinner.

Boy, you're really angry, aren't you, Dad?

Me, angry?

Why should I be angry?

About the letter.

What letter?

This letter. The letter I wrote you.

Oh, no. You didn't write this letter.

Somebody I don't know wrote this letter, not you.

You, I know. This person, I never met.

Dad, don't you think we could wait till tomorrow night to talk about this?

I mean, you'll be calmer. We can talk better.

What's there to talk about? It's signed, sealed and delivered.

[laughs] The Declaration of Independence.

Dad, I really think you're too upset now to discuss this logically.

Listen, I expected it. You hang around your brother long enough,

it was bound to happen.

So, what's the wind up?

My sister Gussie has two grandchildren...

...and I got a bum and a letter!

Dad, look, this didn't suddenly happen.

Now, I've tried to explain to you many times how I felt.

But you'd never listen to me.

All right. I would like to hear from your own lips, nicely,

why a young, single boy can't live at home with his parents.

- Young boy?! - Nicely.

- Dad, I'm 21! - You're 21?

You say it as if you don't believe me.

- I was 21 last week! - Whatever you say.

- What do you mean, "whatever I say"?! - Nicely!

OK, I say I was 21.

Now that's old enough for a man to be out on his own.

When you were 21, you were out on your own.

- You were there? - No, I wasn't there.

You've told me yourself.

Those days were altogether different.

I was working when I was 11 years old.

I never went to camp!

What's camp got to do with all this?!

- I'll walk right out of here in a minute. - All right.

OK, Dad, I don't mean to be disrespectful now, but

well, your answers just never match my questions.

That too, huh?

Now I don't talk fancy enough for you, huh?

- Dad. - Soon even the business won't be good enough for you.

Well, now that you mention it, I've been thinking about that too.

- Huh? - Maybe the business isn't the right field for me.

Not the right field?!

I give the boy the biggest

artificial fruit manufacturing house in the east,

and he tells me "not the right field"?!

- [laughs] - Dad, I don't know if I have any talent or not,

but I've always kind of toyed with the idea of being a writer.

A writer? What kind of a writer?

Letters? Letters you write beautifully.

I don't know who's gonna buy them, but they're terrific.

Dad, look, will you just forget about the business for now?

I'll stay and work for you, OK?

Now, look, Dad, all I want tonight is your blessing

for me to live here with Alan.

You want my blessing?

I'll tell you what I'll do.

- What? - We had a disagreement,

a dispute, we'll arbitrate.

- OK. - I heard your side, you heard my side.

If you want, we'll give it a six month trial period.

Fairer than that I couldn't be.

Gee, I think that's very fair, Dad.

Oh, that's wonderful. Six months is just fine!

- Wonderful! - Then it's settled. You'll come home and live for six months.

Come home?! You don't want to give me a trial period,

you don't want to be fair to me at all!

Listen, don't you raise your voice to me!

You're not too big to get a good slap across the face!

- I'm sorry, Dad. - You're here one day.

When did you ever yell at me before?!

Never, I guess. Now that you mention it.

I've been some terrible father to you, haven't I?

Dad, no, you've been fine.

You've been wonderful. That's not what I mean.

All I'm asking you to do is meet me halfway.

- I'll let you know. - What do you mean you'll let me know?

We'll see. You're coming home for dinner tomorrow night, we'll see.

OK, wonderful, Dad. Great. Thanks a lot.

- Good night, now. - [Peggy] Hi.

Ooh, pardon me. You said you'd just be a few minutes.

This is some busy little girl.

Oh, hi, Dad!

Ooh, excuse me.

I'll just wait in there.

Ooh, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Macintosh.

Macintosh?

Now even his name isn't good enough?

- Dad, you don't understand. - Bum!

- Dad, if you'll just let me explain... - Bum!

- Dad, I know I can straighten it... - Bum!

- ...all out if... - Twenty-one years old,

already you're a bigger bum than your brother is and you got 18 years to go!

Oh, Dad, now, listen. [stammering] I can explain everything...

Ah! The other bum!

Come on in, bum, we're having a party!

What are you doing here, Dad?

I was invited to dinner.

That's some cook you got in there.

What cook? What's he talking about?

Uh, he means Peggy.

Oh, why don't you tell him she's waiting for me?

I don't need you to make up stories for this. I got Tennessee Williams.

[doorbell rings]

- [Alan] Eckman! - Eckman?

From Dallas? The buyer's brother?

Eckman, from Dallas...

...the buyer's husband.

- Mr. Eckman? - You left your sample case, Mr. Baker.

I wanted to make sure you got it back.

- You're not gonna make a scene, are you? - Southern hospitality.

- Don't make any scenes, will ya? - Let's see here.

Everything is arranged, yes.

Here we have your 822-B ripe banana.

And let's see... Ah!

Naval orange, 55-A.

[shatters]

And what's this? The 300-A seedless grapes.

[smashes with foot]

And your 82-W Pippin apple.

Ah, and your latest item,

the 99 stemless purple plum.

[popping sound]

Good day, gentlemen.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Baker,

if I ever catch you even near Neiman Marcus again,

I'm gonna jump on you till your eyes bug out like a stomped-on toad frog.

Good night, gentlemen.

He was... He was just kind of clowning.

You know, he does this all the time.

Now, Dad...

If you give me a couple of seconds, I can explain what happened.

- Yeah, Alan can tell you, Dad. It's, uh... - Will you listen to me?

Dad, will you just hear him out, for just a second, please?

May you and your brother live and be well.

God bless you all the luck in the world.

You should know nothing but happiness.

If I ever speak to either one of you again...

...my tongue should fall out!

Maybe he didn't mean it?

[loud crashing]

He meant it.

So we're fired.

Yeah, don't let it eat your heart out, will ya?

Hey, Dad! Dad!

Hey, Alan!

Connie.

What are you doing here? What do you got in that bag?

The rest of my merchandise. I'll see you upstairs.

Oh, no. Get back in the car there. What's the matter with you?

Why, Alan, I think this is wonderful service.

You don't even have to pick up. We deliver.

- Now you stop that. You get back in there. - Oh, Alan, don't.

Now, look, dear, honest, this whole thing's all wrong.

I mean, I just can't go through with it.

I probably could with somebody else,

but I can't go through with it with you. It's different.

Careful, Alan.

You'll commit yourself.

Well, I don't care.

You know I love you.

- You do? - Of course I do.

If I turned down an offer like this,

I must be in love with you.

You do? You really do?

Oh, Alan!

Oh, Alan, I want to get married now.

I want to get married tonight.

Oh, wait a minute, baby, not so fast, honey.

No, not too fast. You see, a lot of things have happened to me tonight.

For instance, I just lost my job.

- I thought you worked for your father. - Well, I did,

but we've had a heck of a recession and he just let two of his sons go.

Oh, well. You'll get another job.

Sweetheart, wait a minute. Dear, there's my kid brother I have to worry about.

- Oh, your brother. - My brother.

And your sisters and your cousins?

And your girlfriends by the dozens?

Oh, now, Connie, please.

Out.

What do you mean "out"?

- Look... - Out, Alan.

Wait a minute, until everything is cleared up,

why can't we just go on with things the way they've been?

It's over, Alan, you're just not ready.

Not for any kind of relationship.

And it's just possible you never will be.

And if you'll excuse me,

I have some weeping to do.

Sweetheart.

[engine starts]

[door opens]

Harry, is that you?

[door slams]

That's you.

Well, darling, did you have a nice day?

I, I made you a lovely dinner.

Oh, no, no.

That's for tomorrow.

It's on the table. Come.

Come, darling, and sit down.

Here.

Harry...

You know, since Buddy left, three months already,

you haven't said a civil word to me.

Not so much as a pleasant hello.

Well, today you're going to have to force yourself.

You know why?

It's our anniversary, 43 years.

Forty-three years.

Well...

...happy anniversary, darling.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Thank you.

I wish you what you wish me.

What did I do you should say such a thing?

All I did was wish you what you wish me.

- But you know what I wish you. - You bet I do!

Harry, don't start. The neighbors.

Leave it alone!

The neighbors should hear what a wife wishes her husband.

What could I wish you, a man who turns his back on two sons?

Sons? What sons? You never gave me sons, you gave me bums!

Harry, don't say that again.

I will not listen to that anymore.

You won't? Then who will? Maybe the neighbors?

- Harry, don't you dare! - Huh?

Harry... Harry.

This is no life for us.

We don't know how to live without children.

We'll learn. We'll learn, Sophie. We'll travel.

Faraway places.

No, Harry, I won't. I can't.

Not until everything is right between you and the boys.

- You won't go with me? - No!

- Then I'll take a neighbor! - Harry!

- Neighbor! - Harry!

- [up-tempo music plays] - Three, four, cha-cha-cha.

Very good, cha-cha-cha.

To the right, cha-cha-cha.

And again, cha-cha-cha.

Here we go, cha-cha-cha.

Baby, cha-cha-cha.

Hey, baby!

Hurry up.

Three, four, cha-cha-cha.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

Very good, cha-cha-cha.

Tonight's the night, cha-cha-cha.

Hi, Alan. Cha-cha-cha.

How are you? Cha-cha-cha.

- One, two, cha-cha-cha. - Anybody call me today?

To the right, cha-cha-cha.

One, two, cha-cha-cha.

I said, did anybody call me today?

Mr. Copeland and Mr. Sampler. Cha-cha-cha.

- One, two, cha-cha-cha. - What did they say?

Three, four, cha-cha-cha.

Five, six, cha-cha-cha.

Poopie!

- [turns music off] - What's wrong?

I'd like to hear one sentence without the rhythm section in it.

- What did they say? - Who?

Copeland and Sampler. Cha-cha-cha.

Oh, nothing. They'll call back.

- [turns music on] - One, two, cha-cha-cha.

- [turns music off] - To the right...

All right, all right.

Well, what's the matter, Al, baby?

Oh, now it's Al, baby? I'll tell you what's the matter.

It's a little annoying to have to wait around for the dance to end to get my messages.

[sighs] Boy, you're jumpy lately.

What do you do all day anyway, now?

You're gone from ten till six. You come home bushed,

and you keep getting these strange calls all day.

Hey, you got a job?

No, I haven't got a job, Buddy, baby.

All right, OK, you don't have to bite my head off.

Look, Alan, what are you just eating your heart out like this for now?

Now, why don't you pick up that phone and call her?

- Call who? - [sarcastic] Call who.

Connie. Listen, I've seen you reach for that phone 1,000 times,

- you even talk about her in your sleep. - You're nutty.

- You need her, Alan. - I don't need anybody.

All right, fine. I'm sorry I brought it up.

Listen, kid, why don't we, uh...

Why don't we go to a movie tonight, just you and me, huh?

Aw, gee, Al, I'd love to do that, I really would.

But, you see, I have a... I got a date tonight.

And, uh, matter of fact, she's in the den right now changing.

- Changing? - Ready or not.

Yeah, she came right here after basketball practice.

Zip me up, would ya?

Where are we going tonight?

Well, first we'll go out to dinner,

and, uh, then we'll go dancing,

and, uh, maybe we'll come back here and shoot a few baskets.

That is if a certain party will cooperate with us a little bit

by going out to a late movie?

What do you say, certain party?

[Alan] Boy, I'm beginning to feel like I'm 80 years old.

Let me tell you something, Al baby,

that's about ten years younger than you're beginning to act.

Get a hold of yourself, fella.

See you later, Al.

- [woman] Who was that? - [Buddy] My brother.

He shares the apartment with me.

- Hiya, Mr. Baker. - Hi, Willie. Oh, say, Willie?

I didn't get my blue mohair suit this morning.

You promised to give it to me today.

Sure, sure, Mr. Baker,

but then your brother comes in with that rush order.

"Hold the presses" he says.

- I figured he's your brother... - OK, Willie. Thank you very much.

Maxie, here's a dime for the local.

Get me down for five on Raza Daza and Highly in the fifth.

Sorry, Mr. Baker, I filled the book.

Your brother took the last ten spot a few minutes ago.

- Hi, Rudy. - Hi, Mr. Baker.

- You almost finished? - Not quite.

Won't be long though, will it?

Well, I just started.

I've had a standing appointment here for every week for nine years,

I haven't missed one yet.

It's, uh, my fault, Alan.

Hiya, pal.

This is the last straw.

- I mean, the last straw. - Look, Alan, I didn't think you'd be in today.

- Hey, buff 'em up good there, sweetie. - I'm sorry, Mr. Baker.

Look, Alan, Pete's not in right now, but he'll be back in a couple minutes, though.

He's a good barber, why don't you try him?

I didn't come here for Pete.

Well, you want Rudy? You want my barber?

Your barber?

Your barber?! I brought you here!

He's my barber!

The whole world doesn't have to know.

Atta girl, sweetie. You tell him, babe.

[chuckles] Hey, Rudy, make sure you sneak up on those sideburns nice and easy, will ya?

Uh, Alan, you were saying?

I take him in, I teach him how to walk,

how to dress, how to talk even,

now look at him. He uses my barber,

my manicurist, my shoeshine man, my bookmaker,

- my apartment, even! - Look, Alan, I thought we were splitting everything 50-50.

We were, is true. But it's over now.

- OK, all right. - And another thing,

you'd better start giving some thought about buying your own food.

I'm sick and tired of bringing the cookies home and watching you finish them.

While you look at my television, read my magazines,

and get the crumbs all over my chair!

- You must be kidding. - The heck I am!

And keep your hands off my Fig Newtons.

[telephone rings]

Yeah? Yes, he's here.

Mr. Baker, it's for you. No, the young one.

- Ooh. - Just a minute. I'm not through with you yet.

Hello? Oh, hi Mr. Sardi.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did call you. It seems that your head waiter

couldn't find me a spot for a luncheon reservation.

Uh-huh. Well, I thought maybe you could.

Well, it's, uh, Macintosh.

And if you can't find it there, look under Paramount Pictures.

Wonderful, thank you so much. I'm sure it was just a misunderstanding.

Uh-huh. Good-bye.

Now, look, Alan, just get off my back, huh?

It's really not very pleasant, you know.

How about that? That guy thought I was really from Paramount.

So did I.

[band playing jazz music]

[people chattering]

B-U-I-L-D.

Five letters.

One, two, three, four...

...five.

What are they playing?

Strip Scrabble.

[indistinct chatter]

Golly, Mr. Macintosh, you have such intellectual friends.

I mean, well, I've never been to a party with so many brains.

Yeah, well, that's the way it is with us people in the arts.

You're in a deep sleep.

On the count of three, you will awaken from that sleep

and you will think that you are United States Senators.

You, Mildred, will look everywhere for President Kennedy.

Ready now? One, two, three.

[woman laughing]

Hi. I understand you're the sculptor.

Yes, and a very exciting one, I might immodestly say.

Oh, I, I just adore sculptors.

Do you? I work in very unusual materials.

I've done some lovely small heads in soap.

And lately, I've had a lot of luck in cream cheese.

Really?!

[man] T-H-Y-R-O-I-D. Thyroid, seven letters.

[woman] One, two, three, four...

Ah! There you are.

You with your promises of federal aid to education.

Promises, that's all they were.

She thinks you're President Kennedy.

Make her happy. Say something to assure her.

I'll try to push the bill through before the close of the next session.

- Hey, Peg. - Oh, hi, Alan!

Isn't this a marvy party?

Yeah, say, have you seen Buddy? I mean, my buddy Macintosh?

Oh, uh, he's around here someplace.

Alan, I'd like you to meet Wilton Harkute.

He's a poet.

Actually, we were just leaving because Wilton's gonna take me to his apartment

to meet his roommate, Carl Sandburg.

Well, come on, Bye!

Sandburg. That's a better line than Macintosh.

Wait, Eunice, where you going? I love you.

Where are you going and what's with all the love talk?

What's with this eavesdropping?

- I gotta talk to you, kid. - Not now, Alan.

Buddy?

- Eunice? Eunice? - She's in there.

Now, listen...

- Hey, pal? - I was just looking for some cream cheese.

Try Wisconsin, it's the dairy state.

I don't like what's happening to you, kid.

Why, you shouldn't talk that way, big brother.

Everything I know, I learned from you.

You're the one that told me to, uh,

take a bite out of the real fruit of life.

The one that told me to go out and have some real fun

- for a change. - That's right. I said have fun.

But I didn't say anything about all night parties and drinking all night.

- Oh, come off it, Alan. - I won't have it, Buddy.

I won't have my kid brother carrying on like this.

- Like what? - Like a bum!

- A bum?! - A bum!

Just take a look at that crowd you're running around with.

Intellectual delinquents.

Strip Scrabble players.

Amateur hypnotists.

And another thing, where were you until 4:00 this morning?

- What?! - I wanna know where you were until 4:00 this morning.

Oh! Cock-a-doodle-doo!

What's with you?!

Don't you cock-a-doodle me, young man.

You're not too big to get a good slap across the face.

Cock-a-doodle-do. Now I've got two fathers.

Stop that. I'm nothing like him.

I'm seeing you for the first time.

[crows]

[music, chatter stops]

I'm sorry, kid, honest I am.

You're seeing yourself for the first time, Alan.

I'm just a carbon copy.

You're bugged 'cause you don't belong here.

Well, I do.

I'm just starting my fling, Alan.

You're flung.

Good-bye, Mr. President.

[tires squeal]

Operator, this is KJ12121.

Could you get me Trafalgar 46598, please?

Thank you.

[telephone rings]

- Hello? - Connie, this is Alan.

- Alan who? - The Alan who loves and adores you.

[yawns] Oh, that Alan.

That Alan?!

Oh! Oh, Alan!

Alan, you called!

I was beginning to give up hope.

Alan, I love you.

And I missed you!

- Where are you? - I'm in Bermuda.

Bermuda? What are you doing in Bermuda?

I came down here to do some thinking.

And you know what? I've decided I want to marry you.

Oh, Alan! Oh, Alan!

Oh, darling, darling!

Oh, I waited so long for this!

Oh, Alan, how soon can you come home?

Oh, about two days.

Well, why must it take two days?

Can't you fly?

What did you say?

I said take a plane.

Oh, darling. Darling, darling!

- What? - Oh, Alan.

I can't hear you, there's too much noise.

Alan! Oh, Alan! For heaven's sake!

Just a second.

Alan, what noise?

I don't hear any noise. Alan?

Alan, talk to me! I can't hear you.

Alan...

Alan, never mind the noise.

- Alan? - [knocking at door]

- Who is it? - [Alan in deep voice] Telegram, ma'am.

Oh, um, just a moment. Alan?

Alan, Alan? Oh, for heaven's sakes. Just a moment, please.

Don't go away.

Telegram, ma'am.

Oh, put it on the table.

Alan?

- Alan! Hey, where you been? - Hi, kid.

I've been really worried about you. I was gonna apologize for the other night, Alan.

- It was really my fault. - It's all right, you did me a great big favor.

Where you been?

That's the favor. You drove me to it.

- No! No! You didn't do that! - Yep.

- Not you! Really? - Yep, I did it.

- I don't know what to say! Gee. - [Sophie humming]

- Oh, Alan. - Mom.

- Hello, darling. - What are you doing here?

She moved in this morning, for keeps.

I'm like him, I've run away from home.

- She's kidding, of course. - No, she's not kidding.

- She's dead serious. - What happened?

What happened? Ask America what happened.

In Alaska they must've heard how that man has been carrying on with me.

Yeah, I know, he's been pretty upset, Mom. But everything's gonna be all right now.

- Yeah? - Right, Buddy?

- You shouldn't hold your breath. - [doorbell rings]

- That'll be Connie. - I'll go clean the den.

- OK. - Twenty years nobody's been in there to clean.

Dad.

Where is she?

I know she's in here.

Where is their mother?

She's in the den.

Now they're hiding them in the den?

Very nice!

Very nice for a mother!

- [Sophie] What do you want? - What is she doing here?

Where else should she be?

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

This is something I will not discuss in front of strangers.

They are your sons.

They are your sons. They are my strangers.

Is she coming home?!

She is home.

This is where she lives now.

This is where she lives?

- With bums?! - That's right, so that makes me a bum too.

Are you happy now? Now you've got three bums.

- Can I say something, Dad? - Who's he talking to? I'm not even here.

- Dad, can I say something? - Write it in a play, I'll see it opening night.

Will you calm down for two seconds? There's something very important I have to tell you.

Is she coming with me or do I go alone around the world?

- Around the world? - Are you gonna make a trip around the world?

Look, look who's suddenly so shocked!

The skier, the Pulitzer Prize winner.

- Would you listen to me, please? - I don't wanna hear any more.

If the woman wants, she can meet me in Hong Kong.

- Look, Dad, please. - Pushing a father? You're pushing?

- [Buddy] I'm sorry, Dad. - Alan?

Sweetheart, come on in.

I want you to meet my mother, my father and my kid brother.

- This is Connie. - How do you do?

- Are you gonna stay here or are you gonna come with me? - Dad.

- Oh, come on, Dad, Alan has something to tell you. - Again he's pushing?

- Harry, let the boy talk. - [telephone rings]

- Oh, Alan, the phone. - Alan, perhaps I'd better come back?

- You wait right where you are. - Buddy, the phone.

- Dad, there's something I must tell you. - Will you just let him talk?

If he pushes me once more, I...

Maybe I'm crazy, nobody hears a phone?

Will you all please be quiet for five seconds?

There's something I'd like... It isn't often a son can make an announcement like this.

Oh, this I can't stand already.

- Alan, perhaps I... - Pop!

- It's very important that you listen to what I have to say! - Hello?

- I'm not here. - Hello?!

- Oh, Alan, it's for you. - Take a message, Mom, please.

Again with the message. Where's the paper now?

No, you stay right... Mom, I'll get it.

Hello? Oh, Mr. Copeland, how are you, sir?

Fine. Oh, that's wonderful.

The same order we discussed at lunch.

That's fine. Thank you very much. Have a good trip back home.

- Bye-bye. - How does he come to know Copeland of Milwaukee?

I'd heard he was in town, so I took him to lunch a few times last week.

Five years I'm after Copeland of Milwaukee.

I thought I owed you that much, Dad.

You don't owe me anything.

- I don't wanna be owed anything by a bum! - Ha!

- Why am I a bum? - Are you married?

- Yes! - Then you're a bu... What?

- What? - This is your daughter-in-law. We were married last night.

- No! Well, Connie! - Yes.

- Darling! - That's what I've been trying to say.

- I've been trying to tell ya. - Why didn't you say so, baby?

Darling! Look at that!

[overlapping chatter]

Harry, your son is married.

Nobody tells me anything.

All I get is pushed.

Now listen,

how about we go out and we have a bottle of champagne

and a nice brunch to celebrate the wedding, huh?

What do you say?

Yes, why don't we, Mr. Baker?

We can all be together and have a nice, long talk.

Just the family, all right?

- Well... - Come on, Mom.

- Maybe just a cup of coffee. - Yes, that's all, Mr. Baker.

[all chattering]

Come, come, come, come, come!

You're lagging, we're gonna bust the wine.

Well, I was just thinking, Alan.

After all, you're married now.

And a place like this...

Save your breath, I know what you're trying to say.

But you can have it, it's all yours.

Really?! You mean it? You mean it?

Your brother you're pushing?

[telephone ringing]

Hello. Julia?

Uh, yeah, just a minute.

It's for you. Who's Julia?

That'll be Julia Merritt.

Remember once you asked me how I could afford this place?

Well, I really never could.

See, I leased it from her.

- So? - So, if she likes you,

she practically gives it away.

Hello, Julia? This is Alan's brother, Buddy.

Hey, uh, don't you know you could get arrested for having such a sexy voice?

[laughs]