Original subtitles

Ready?

Uh-huh.

No peeking!

Okay!

Promise? - Just get the hell on with it already!

All right, open your eyes.

Okay, jock, princess, nerd, stoner.

You're The Breakfast Club?

We're Scooby-Doo, ya jackalope!

Steve, did you wax your legs?

- No. - I did.

I wanted to be Velma.

Hey, I can be more than just a "dumb stoner," you know?

Can you? No.

No, I don't think so.

You're a natural-born Shaggy, babe.

It's true.

Best to stay in your lane, bro.

Speaking of, you're Scooby.

Oh, what, 'cause I'm, like, your pet?

Screw that! Why can't Roger do it?

Because Roger is in London,

living out his lifelong dream of playing Rumpleteazer

in a West End revival of Cats.

Oh, yeah.

Look, we all have our roles in the family,

and you two are kinda the comic relief.

Come on, it's time to go to Danuta's Halloween party.

Wait, wasn't Dad gonna drive us?

Yeah. Where is Dad, anyway?

Did he never come home from work?

Dad?

Stan?

Dad?

Stan?

Dan?

I mean,

Stad?

No answer.

Oh, my God.

It's Halloween night, and Stan is...

Missing!

Still no answer from your dad.

Well, gang, looks like we've got a mystery on our hands.

This is bullshit. Pigeonholing us like this.

We're not just a couple of bumbling idiots.

Yeah! We're that and more!

That's right. I'm not just a fish who says "bro".

I'm complex. I have layers. Contradictions.

Me, too. I've got that stuff, too!

I have a New Yorker subscription.

Right now, I've got a stack of New Yorkers

in my alcove halfway to the damn ceiling,

and one of these days, I'm gonna read 'em, too! No joke!

I'm a certified doula.

Does that mess up your tidy little idea of who I am?

And I have a surprising amount of upper-body strength.

Yeah! Go! Go! Go!

What's all that racket back there?

It's the sound of us being unique, multi-faceted individuals!

Yeah. We're here.

Whoa.

I don't remember Stan's office being quite so terrifying.

This place is totally deserted.

And it looks like everyone left in a hurry.

- Probably scared off by the monster. - Yeah.

Monster? That's ridiculous.

Look around, Francine!

This whole situation is clearly going full Scooby.

It's only a matter of time before we're being chased around

by a Wolfman to some generic '60s pop song.

Well, in Scooby-Doo, the monsters are never real.

Yeah, but that's a TV show.

This is real life.

Monster.

Monster.

Monster.

Would you two give it a rest? There's no monster.

Sorry. I thought you were

the monster.

Told ya.

There. Now,

can I offer anyone a Topo Chico?

Yeah, I'll take one.

Nice costumes, by the way.

They made us be Shaggy and Scooby,

even though we're multi-fascinating individuals.

Never mind that.

What is going on around here and where's our dad...

I'm not even anything like Shaggy.

Zoinks!

This holds the answers to your questions.

It all started with a crisis of the utmost urgency,

when I, who I've always thought

look a hell of a lot like Chris Hemsworth,

discovered evidence that someone

was using my private executive bathroom.

So I, who in another way see myself

very much as a Jason Momoa type,

tapped my very nearest man, Stan Smith,

to get to the bottom of this fecal feloniousness.

You can imagine my shock when he shocked me

with some truly shocking news!

The culprit was supernatural in nature.

A monstrous ancient demon known as

the Soul Snatcher!

I was all like this.

Knowing I'd never be able to set foot in my bathroom again

until this threat was eliminated,

I put Stan in charge of a new top-secret unit. Z.O.I.N.C.S.

The Zoroastrian, Occult,

Inter-dimensional and Non-rational Creature Section.

It's basically a Monster Squad.

Oh!

Yeah. Okay.

Now, I don't know why,

but earlier tonight, the Soul Snatcher was somehow unleashed,

and went on a soul-snatching rampage.

That's why everyone's gone.

That, and the building's being sprayed for termites.

So, where's Stan?

Probably got his dang soul snatched.

If I were you, I'd get out of here while you still can.

Not a chance.

Or, I don't know, should we just go?

No. We're not leaving here without our dad.

- Right? - Right.

Come on, gang. Let's go investigate.

I think you look like Humpty Dumpty.

Anyone find any evidence?

Only that your dad's been eating Taco Bell again.

There's literally nothing in his desk

besides fast food wrappers and loose bullets.

Maybe these shady-looking characters had something to do with it.

Jeff, that's us.

- Pay dirt! - What'd you find?

I just won this sick-ass Jurassic World shot glass

I've been bidding on, on eBay.

You know what?

Why don't you and Jeff go find a snack or something.

No way. We want to help find Mr. S.

Yeah, this is serious.

Exactly. And all you guys are gonna do is get in the way.

You don't know that. We could surprise you.

Could you?

No. No, I don't think so.

Maybe we should split up.

Wow. So, that's it, huh?

Would it be weird for you if I asked out Nerfer?

I meant split up into groups to search the building.

I knew that! Fine.

Come on, pal. Let's go and find a snack.

I actually am pretty hungry.

But now, how the am I supposed to eat it?

We'll show them we're more than just a pair of boobs.

"Pair of boobs."

We're gonna find Stan and solve the mystery of...

What was the monster called again?

The Soul Snatcher!

No, it definitely started with a "chuh" sound.

Chainsaw Charlie.

I've come to take your souls!

What was that you just said again?

I've come to take your souls!

Dang it.

There's not supposed to be any people in the building right now.

We're spraying, for Pete's sake.

Why'd you say you were gonna take our souls?

I was talking to the termites in the drywall behind you.

I enjoy taunting them, okay?

Well, we'll get out of your hair.

Okay. You guys have yourselves a fantastic evening.

Now, termites...

Time to send you to hell!

I don't think I've ever been in this part of the CIA before.

A dead end?

Must be some kind of secret passageway or something.

Hundred bucks it's that candle up there.

Why?

It's the only thing with that thick-ass outline.

What is this place?

Z.O.I.N.C.S. headquarters.

These are all the evil artifacts we've come across in our hunt

for supernatural monsters like, just to name a few, the boogeyman,

- the boogeywoman, and the... - Wolfman!

That's not the Wolfman! That's Agent Wolfman.

He's got that cool '70s style going, with the big sideburns.

Thanks. Topo Chico?

Yeah, I'll get one of those.

What happened to our dad?

It's too horrible to say.

No, I'll never tell.

- Please? - Well, okay.

Stan was gung-ho for gettin' them ghouls and goblins.

But I couldn't help noticing we hadn't made any progress

on our primary objective.

So, earlier tonight, Stan held a seance

to summon and apprehend the Soul Snatcher.

But then it all went wrong.

- Terribly wrong? - Exactly.

The lights went out, there was a terrible roar,

and I heard Stan's soul being devoured by that beast!

He was saying things like, "Oh, no, my soul!"

And, "It's eating my soul!" And so forth.

I'm sorry.

But at least we'll be safe from that Soul Snatcher in here...

Oh, my God! There it is!

Run!

We're not getting anywhere!

Speak for yourself! I'm...

Makin' some progress!

Sorry, I just mopped.

Mr. S?

Stan?

Soul Snatcher?

Chainsaw Charlie?

No sign of Stan or the monster anywhere.

And we've looked in four places now.

Maybe there is no monster.

Or maybe the monster is just, like,

a metaphor.

Right.

Like, maybe we're the monster.

Society.

The man in the mirror.

Thanks.

What's gotten into you, pal?

It's the m-m-m...

The m-m-m... Mailman?

I hate that guy!

I'm sorry. Okay, what I'm trying to say is...

Hummina, hummina, hummina.

'Scuse us.

♪ Once upon a time, girl

♪ You were always gonna be mine, girl

♪ Never dreamed I would find a girl like you

♪ Hey now, fairy tale girl

♪ I know we can still find the magic again

♪ Hey now, fairy tale girl

Like, I've heard of a floor-stop, but a floor-drop?

You've heard of a "floor-stop"?

♪ Ba-da, ba-da-da-da-da

Snatcher! You're late again!

I need 200 copies of the Henderson file, ASAP!

We gotta FedEx 27 to Boston, 32 to Austin,

63 to "Stone Cold" Steve Austin,

and 116 to the band Boston.

- Now, get to work! - Now, get to work!

Hmm.

Why do they have so many identical paintings?

We buy them in bulk at World Market.

Jeff! Lead it this way! We set a trap!

Whoa!

Time to reveal who this so-called Soul Snatcher really is.

I wonder who it'll be.

They still don't know.

- Oh, my God. - Hold up.

If you're so much smarter than us,

how about you tell us who it is before we look.

- Fine. The exterminator. - Dr. Weitzman.

- What? - I say it's Roger.

But Roger's in London.

Living out his lifelong dream of playing Rumpleteazer

in a West End revival of Cats.

Oh, yeah.

Ha! Did none of you notice how it was Stan

who told Bullock there was a monster in the first place?

Stan, who was probably the one using Bullock's private bathroom.

Because Taco Bell is one of his IBS super-triggers.

Meaning that it just might be...

Agent Wolfman?

Just as I thought.

It's Stan.

He's at Danuta's party.

I guess maybe we actually said we'd just meet him there?

Um, has anybody noticed that Agent Wolfman here isn't moving?

Oh, my God. Is this thing airtight?

No pulse.

Oh, my God! We killed him!

It was self-defense, right?

He was pretending to be a monster!

Is that even a crime?

Why'd you trap him in an airtight sarcophagus?

Why'd you stop us from opening it?

Hey, open up the wall!

I need to get in there to mop!

- What are we gonna do? - Oh, God, we're gonna go to jail!

No, wait!

I found another secret passageway.

All you gotta do is punch through the drywall

a few times.

Then give it a few good chops!

Grab that monster costume!

Maybe everyone'll just think the Soul Snatcher killed him.

"Ruh-roh."

Am I right? Not now, Klaus!

I don't know what happened to all you suckbois last night,

but you missed a kick-ass party.

Plus, I got myself out of work early to get in a little trick-or-treating.

Oh, nice! Big-ass Nerds Rope.

We killed a man!

What was that now? Actually, tell me later. Gotta get to work.

I've got a crazy awesome new secret job there now.

Top secret. Can't tell you about it.

It's called Z.O.I.N.C.S.

Super classified. I've said too much already.

Z.O.I.N.C.S. is like the X-Files, and I'm in charge of it.

But again, I can't really say anything about it.

Ghosts are real. Gotta motor.

- What the hell, Jeff? - I'm sorry!

I'm just having some difficulty with the murdering that we did.

We are all on the hook for this.

So we all need to be able to trust each other to keep our mouths shut.

To be rock solid.

Show of hands. Who here is solid?

Nothing but Bamm-Bamms.

I saw him, Klaus. I swear.

Agent Wolfman's ghost.

Please don't say anything. Everyone'll just think I'm losing it.

I've got your back, bro.

You and me, we've been through a lot.

We gotta stick together.

We've got a big problem with Jeff.

- Probably gonna have to kill him. - You guys!

Oh, hi!

Look what just came in the mail.

This is impossible. He's dead!

Well, whether it really is Agent Wolfman or not,

somebody knows what we did.

And he's coming for us.

Also, this came from Roger.

Roger's in London?

What was he doing again?

Great rehearsal, everybody.

How's that scratch lookin', Osman?

Oh, I got ya pretty good, huh?

Sorry about that. Kinda just got lost in the moment.

Hey, Jovan, can I have your boba tea?

I already finished all my little balls.

What's all this, then?

Oh, I read about these guys

in a review of National Lampoon's European Vacation.

They're not supposed to ever even crack a smile.

Well, I betcha I can get a reaction out of him.

Gwah, gwah, gwah!

No one can resist chuckling at my silly little chicken-man dance.

Gwah, gwah, gwah!

Nothing, huh?

Well, what if I go for your gun?

Deported! Right before opening night.

This was a lifelong dream!

I'm sorry, no pets in the cabin.

Oh, I'm not actually a cat.

You see, until this afternoon, I was fifth understudy for Rumpleteazer

and 16th for Grizabella in a...

Well, ain't this a mother .

Look what I found in my locker!

At the gym. I go to a UFC gym.

Revenge.

Who could be doing this to us?

Maybe we could ask...

Him!

We'll be safe in the haunted woods!

Wait, are we really about to do another chase sequence?

♪ It's a sunshine peppermint sundae world

♪ Whenever I'm with you, girl

♪ When I think of being with you ♪

Ow!

Hey! Wolfie!

Yeah, I'm proficient with gaucho weaponry.

Just one of the many facets that makes me so complex.

It's a mask.

Then let's find out who this phony phantom really is.

Jeff Fischer?

Surprised?

But... What?

Then who's this?

Old Man Bullock?

"Old man"? you!

What the hell is going on here?

Go ahead and tell 'em, Mr. Buttock.

Explanation time!

I, the spitting image of Henry Cavill,

was behind it all the whole time.

I planted clues to make Stan think the Soul Snatcher was about.

I posed as Agent Wolfman to keep tabs on Z.O.I.N.C.S.

and make sure they didn't figure it all out.

Then, when I saw Stan's little phony seance act the night of Halloween,

I decided it was the perfect time

to don my Soul Snatcher costume

and really put the scare in everyone.

But why?

To keep people out of my crapper!

But when I saw how you all treated poor Jeff, I sympathized.

So, I approached Jeff with a proposition.

To take over the role of Agent Wolfman

and show you all he is capable of defying your expectations.

Wow. That's convoluted.

How did you make it so you didn't have a pulse?

Wim Hof method!

Well, my work here is done.

So, I'm just going to go ahead and walk deeper into the woods now.

You know, maybe we have always thought of you as just a stoner

and a fish who says "bro,"

but you two are full of surprises.

Thanks.

Now, let's go home and smoke some weed.

Sounds good to me, bro.