Original subtitles

[bright orchestral fanfare playing]

[fanfare ends]

[light, lilting orchestral intro plays]

♪ ♪

[bright music playing]

[whistle blowing]

[cars whooshing]

♪ ♪

[ducks quacking]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[train whistle blows]

[mouse squeaking]

[ducks quacking]

♪ ♪

[music ends]

[Zoe] I can't believe I didn't get

a pedicure for this.

How embarrassing.

Look at that.

If I were with a real guy doing this,

I would have gotten a pedicure... and a wax.

Oh, shit, that one's worse.

Sorry I didn't get a pedicure.

-What? -Uh, my toes.

Sorry.

I'm not looking at your toes.

I'm looking at your cervix.

Right.

Now I kind of wish you were looking at my toes.

-[sighs] All done. -That's it?

We'll, uh, elevate your legs for ten minutes and you'll be

good to go.

[timer ticking]

This is the first time I hear that ticking clock sound

and I'm not freaking out.

Good, just relax.

I can't. I'm totally freaking out.

Oh, come on, everything's gonna be great.

I have a feeling that you and, um,

CRM-1014

are gonna make beautiful babies together.

Yeah, thank you.

[door opens and closes]

Oh, God, I hope this works.

I wanted this for so long.

Maybe this isn't how I pictured it exactly.

Thought I'd have a little more support.

No!

You don't want kids, trust me.

Well, that's easy for you to say. You have four.

-And it's awful. -[kids screaming]

They ruined my life!

-Hi, munchkins. -What? No, go away!

Have you seen my vagina?

I mean, have you? 'Cause I would show it to you.

-Mona... -I will show it to you just to prove

-that you don't want to have kids. -Mona.

I will show you my vagina.

I don't want to see that.

I want to have a baby.

I just think you're tired of being alone, you haven't met

-the right guy, and-- -It's not about a guy.

This isn't about a guy.

I-I've dated hundreds of guys over the past five years.

Not one of them's close to being the one.

It's just not happening for me.

Yeah, but it doesn't mean that it won't.

-Doesn't mean that it will. -[kids shouting]

Is that my chicken?

[Mona] What are you doing?

Give it back!

That is your dinner, not a toy!

[children screaming]

I hate them.

[sniffs] Do you smell pee?

[timer ticking]

[Zoe] So, I had to figure it out on my own.

I examined every possibility

and arrived at the most logical conclusion.

Will you be my baby-daddy?

What?

No, I can't be the father.

Are you out of your mind?

What are you talking-- no, no, I am in my sexual prime.

All right? I have countless more women to bed

before I do something as idiotic as having a baby.

Clive, you're my friend.

Don't you want to help me?

I mean, we don't have to have sex.

You don't have to be involved at all.

All right, just... give me your sperm.

N-- Oh.

[chuckling] Okay, okay.

You're, you're feeling lonely, all right?

Maybe a little... a little dead down there.

I get it, I get it. A long time

since you've had, uh, you know.

Just shut up, okay? Just forget it, forget the whole thing.

What?

[Zoe] Well, that was a bust.

So I took life by the, uh... horns?

And I--I did what I had to do.

Yeah.

It's going to be okay.

I have a plan.

[bell dings]

[quietly] Ding.

[chuckling] Whoa.

You don't have to walk like that.

What? Oh, okay.

Uh, by the way, uh,

I know an excellent support group

for single moms if you're interested.

Great, great.

Maybe we should hug.

We might've just made a baby together.

[both chuckle]

Good luck.

Okay. All right.

Hi.

[Both woman, anxiously] Hi.

[thunder rumbling]

Oh!

Hi!

Get away from me!

Taxi!

[horn honks]

Ah, hallelujah!

Oh, excuse me.

This is my cab.

What, you own it?

No, but I'm about to rent it.

If you see someone hail a cab and the cab pulls up,

you can't just jump in the cab and say it's yours.

-I didn't see you. -I saw you see me.

[groans] Sir?

Sir, excuse me.

Who saw you first?

Look, maybe you're not from around here,

but there's a code, you know? There are certain rules

that we try to follow.

Fine! Forget it!

I'll get out, but not because you're right--

but because I'm in a terrific mood and you're ruining it.

No, I'll get out.

[sighs]

-Now what? -I don't know, you tell me.

-Hey, hey, hey! -Where's he going?

Come back!

[groans]

Well, that was stupid.

Why'd you get out, you... stupid-head?

You said you were in a great mood

and I was ruining it, okay? I felt bad.

What-- Did you just-- I'm sorry,

did you just call me a stupid-head?

[groans]

How's your great mood now?

Please stop talking to me.

So, why are you in such a good mood, anyway?

Not that it's your business,

but good things are happening to me.

Wow, that's great.

I hope it continues.

Thanks.

Well, have a nice life.

And try not to steal any more cabs.

Yeah, you do the same.

Hey.

There's a penny right there.

Why don't you pick it up? It's good luck.

Only if it's heads.

Now somebody else can have good luck.

-Bye. -Bye.

["A Beautiful Day" by India Arie playing]

♪ Life is a challenge, not a competition ♪

♪ You can still smell the roses and be on a mission ♪

♪ Just take a moment to get in touch ♪

♪ With your heart ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Early in the morning ♪

♪ It's the dawn of a new day ♪

♪ New hopes, new dreams, new ways... ♪

[Woman] Thank you for coming to Hudson Mutts.

Hi, Nutsy.

Oh, my God, you're glowing.

-Hello. -Oh, my God, she's glowing, right?

[Clive] Huh?

-Tell us everything. -There's not much to tell.

No, no, no, you just got shot up with a wad of

red-headed freckle sperm-- there's something to tell.

Wait, he, he had red hair and freckles?

Why'd you do that?

-I tried to talk her out of it. -Red pubes, ew.

I never saw his pubes. It was a vial of semen.

-So, come on, what happened? -Uh, well,

I-I laid down, put my feet over my head.

Five minutes later, it was over.

I barely felt a thing.

So, basically, it was like having sex with Clive.

You wish.

If you need me, I'll be in the back with my legs over my head.

-[Clive] Red hair and freckles! -You had your chance!

Hmm... What?

I don't know, it's just weird, you know.

Like, who is this guy she was with, anyway?

She wasn't actually with him.

Yeah, but I still want to kick his ass.

Is that wrong?

You're stupid.

[light, whimsical theme playing]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[Woman] Okay, all right.

Welcome to "Single Mothers and Proud."

As the name suggests, we are all single, mothers, and...

um, proud.

Ha ha, hey, all right.

Okay, some of us have adopted.

Some of us have conceived

-with a donor. -That's me. -Uh-huh.

Every story is different

but with the same common denominator.

We wanted a child and we made it happen on our own.

We sure did.

-We sure did. -Are you, uh, already

a single mother or are you trying to become one?

Oh, uh, I-I was just inseminated a few days ago.

-Oh. -Inseminated.

Makes me feel like a cow or something. [chuckles]

Well, we do what we have to do

when we don't have a penis partner.

-That's right. -So...

Let's hear about you.

Uh, okay.

Uh, let's see.

Um, well, I--I own a pet store.

-Oh. -Yeah, um...

I--I used to work in the corporate world, which,

which was great for a while, but...

Just didn't feel like the life that I wanted to live.

Uh, so now I'm happy on the work front,

but, you know, I don't know.

You know, even though I have more balance.

It's, um, personal...

I still haven't found "the one," so that's why I'm...

Yeah, well... the elusive "one."

-Good luck. -[laughter] -Yeah, right.

-[murmuring] -If I had a dollar for every time I heard that.

I thought I'd be married with kids by now,

but that's just not happening,

so... guess it's time for my backup plan.

-So... -Well, Zoe, listen.

If you really want a baby, we here at Single Mothers...

[singsongy] ...and Proud.

Aha!

We can be your partners.

From inception to graduation,

everything in between, we can be here for you.

Great.

[chuckles]

Thank you.

Dakota was born right here, in this very room--

Right where you're sitting, actually.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Right here?

[chuckles] Imagine that.

So how old is your baby now?

I'm three.

-[murmuring] -Adorable.

So cute.

[Mona] Why do you need a support group?

Well, you're not very supportive.

-What? -You just told me that if I breast-feed,

my "girls" are gonna wind up looking like empty tube socks.

Hey, I'm just being honest.

I mean, don't even get me started

on what childbirth does to your bladder.

What does it do to your bladder?

[guffaws]

Oh, oh.

I ca-- I just peed a little bit.

[chuckles]

I don't think I'm pregnant anyway.

Doctor says it'll take a few tries.

Something about frozen sperm being lazy.

Oh, come with me for a minute.

I have to make some muffins for some bullshit

Teacher Appreciation Day.

You're going to make muffins?

Oh, hell, no.

But there's a place here that sells them.

I pick out the worst ones and I pretend I made 'em.

Come on.

[Mona] Okay, which is the ugliest?

-Oh! -[Zoe] Seems like a lot

of trouble for something so trivial.

Welcome to motherhood.

Hmm.

[Stan] This may be the greatest cheese

in the United States of America.

You realize that?

Thank you, I hope you enjoy that.

There's that guy.

What guy?

The one selling cheese.

I know him.

He's hot.

He sells cheese?

You sell hamsters.

Can I help you ladies?

No, we're good, thank you.

[Woman] Like what you see?

What?

Just talking about the muffins.

-Hey, you. -Hey.

Hi.

W-What a, what a nice surprise.

How'd you know I worked here?

I didn't.

Oh, okay.

Did you follow me here?

Follow you?

[laughing] To the farmers' market?

-Well... -Are you kidding me? No, we came to buy muffins.

-You were here, tell him. -You better buy something.

-You ate all my samples. -Well...

I-It's really nice to see you, but I never got your name.

I'm--I'm Stan.

-Oh, Zoe. -[Stan] Zoe.

I'm Mona. So how do you two not know each other?

-He stole my cab. -She stole my cab.

Oh. Okay.

We should go.

We should?

Yeah, we have that important thing.

Well, can your important thing wait just a few minutes?

I'll give you a taste of my cheese.

I can rephrase that.

Okay, this is our basic chevre,

probably our best seller,

and the cheese that started it all, as they say.

These are our surface-ripened cheeses.

These are fantastic.

And these are the aged

raw-milk cheeses. Now...

This is really boring, isn't it?

-Um, no. -Yes. -[Stan] Yeah.

This is Louie. He, uh, he works for me.

-Hi. Louie. -Hi. Zoe.

-[Mona] Mona. -Can I give you a sample box?

-Oh, yeah. -Um, I'm--I'm okay.

-Uh, we're okay. -You're not lactose intolerant, are you?

I hate that.

Hey, you're, uh, still coming over tonight, right?

I, um-- yeah, yeah.

We should go.

-[Stan sighs] -You ready?

I want a sample box.

Okay, well, I got to go.

Bye.

Uh, bye.

[sighs] Bye.

-You said free sample box, right? -[Louie] Yes.

-Free? Okay. -Absolutely.

-In that case, um... -Compliments of.

Okay, spill it.

Who is he, what does he do, how do we know him?

-Who? -Stan from the farmers' market.

He's called twice already.

[chuckles] I'm gonna kill Mona.

Is he a farmer? Whoa!

[dog barking, items clattering] -He makes cheese.

-He's a pilgrim? -Oh, Mona called, too.

She said his feta was incredible.

That makes so much more sense now.

W-W-Wait, who is this guy?

He's nobody. He's just some guy.

Are you blushing? She's blushing, right?

-You're totally blushing. -She's blushing.

Can we just calm down and

get ready for the book signing?

-No. -[Daphne] No. This is exciting.

I'm not calming down.

Look, he's nobody, and even if he was somebody,

it doesn't matter 'cause I don't want to be with anybody, okay?

So let's just... get back to work.

Finding a relationship is work.

I don't want a relationship.

Well, it is.

Yo, taxi!

[Man] So, dogs have an ingrained pack mentality.

If we don't assert leadership over our dogs,

our dogs are going to show unstable behaviors

or dominant behavior.

In other words, in the dog world, who you are is

stable or unstable energy,

leader or a follower. So when a dog

introduces himself to another dog,

what do they do? [sniffs]

-[laughter] -Exactly.

When a human wants to meet a dog...

[in high voice] "Oh, my God, he's a..."

So, I mean, it's like, poor dog, you know?

It's [makes silly trilling sound]

[chuckles]

And so, the interacting base of energy and also the...

Okay, now this is getting weird.

I know, we keep running into each other. It's crazy.

[Zoe] Oh, so your being here is just another coincidence?

Oh, no. I love this guy.

Don't you have someplace to be tonight?

Not till later.

Do you even have a dog?

No, but I might get one now that I can...

[imitating author's accent] ...be the pack leader.

The dog will shake it.

-"You want to play again?" -[laughter]

Look, I'm really busy here.

Okay, so you have a boyfriend or something.

-Just tell me. I can take it. -No.

Or you just know you're not interested in me?

You're making a big mistake.

I'm very interesting.

I'm just not interested in men right now, okay?

Oh, you're... you're gay?

-I'm not gay. -[shushing] -Hey, you two,

-would you please take it outside? -Sorry.

-Okay, sorry. -Sorry about that.

-That was awkward. -Yeah.

Look, this is not a good time for me, okay?

I-I'm going through some... changes.

Menopause?

Menopause? Seriously?

How old do you think I am?

Okay, you know what? Let's start over

because the more I think about it,

we'd never make it as a couple anyway.

You're way too skeptical. We should be friends.

-I have enough friends. -You can never have

too many friends. What are you doing tonight?

Getting takeout and going home to bed.

Clearly you don't have that many friends.

Okay, here is my proposition, and don't freak out,

because it requires very little commitment.

I'm getting takeout, too.

Let's walk together to the same place,

order and pay for our own respective meals,

and then we'll say good-bye.

Where do you want to go?

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh ♪

♪ I say, hey, I'll be gone today... ♪

-Here you go, ma'am. -Thank you.

No fair. You chose this place

'cause it takes, like, two seconds.

[chuckles] No, I chose it because it's the best.

All right, well, I want to see you take a bite of that.

I don't believe you're going to eat it.

♪ I love you ♪

Fine.

♪ I love you, I love you ♪

♪ I love you... ♪

There. Happy now?

You have no idea how good this is.

I can't believe you lived in New York your whole life

and you've never gone to Gray's Papaya.

-What's wrong with you? -Actually,

I--I haven't lived here my whole life.

We moved out of the city when my parents bought the farm.

Oh, no, not died.

They actually-- they bought a farm and we moved upstate.

They retired to Phoenix five years ago,

and I run the place now.

What about your family?

Actually, my parents died when I was young.

It's just me and my grandmother now.

[sighs] I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

It's okay.

It was a long time ago.

-[Stan sighs] -Look, I really have to go.

All right, uh, but I can't let you walk home alone because...

this is a very dangerous neighborhood.

♪ Rockin' in the dance hall, moving with you ♪

-♪ Come on, hey, papa, Hey, papa ♪

♪ Hey, mama... ♪

[chuckles] What school did you go to?

Well, I kind of dropped out.

I met this Swedish girl during my semester abroad and...

Let me guess-- you fell in love and got married.

And started an inn in Vermont.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, it lasted, like, three seconds.

I didn't know how to run an inn

and she didn't know how not to sleep

with everyone who worked there, so...

-Ouch. -we got divorced.

Yeah, she took everything.

I had to move back in with my parents,

work myself out of debt, and try to figure out

how not to blame every woman on the planet

for Ana's whorish ways.

How's that going?

Not so good.

Okay, I want to know everything.

[laughs]

First kiss?

Um... some jerk with a dirt bike and chapped lips.

-Oh. -You?

Seventh grade. She wore braces and headgear.

-It was terrifying. -Ouch.

[laughs]

Hey.

Look.

Here's one for you.

That's weird.

Okay, best kiss?

Oh, hmm, that's a tough one.

Because if we weren't just friends,

I'd kiss you right now.

Then I'd be your best kiss.

How do you know?

I know.

[phone trilling]

[sighs]

Someone looking for you?

-[phone trilling] -Yeah. I have to go.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye. I'll call you.

Hmm.

You think it was the muffin girl?

I guess. I don't know.

Why do I even care?

[gasps] You like him!

Ow.

Oh, God, what if I'm pregnant?

Then it'll work out perfectly.

What do you mean?

Because if you really like him, as soon as that happens,

you'll break up with him

because you're pregnant, and then you won't have

to put yourself out there, possibly get hurt.

Hey, that's your dream.

-[Mona groans] -Be quiet.

Besides...

I'm not pregnant

and I'm okay on my own.

You gonna see him again?

Yeah, I think so.

No.

[whimpers]

Not going to happen, Nutsy.

[phone ringing]

[barks]

Hello?

Oh, Stan.

[wrapper crinkling]

[sighs]

Go away.

Stop it.

You're making me nervous.

[urinating]

[grunts]

[doorbell rings, Nutsy barks] -Oh.

[flushes toilet]

[grunts]

[barking]

You're early.

I'll be a minute, okay?

[growls]

Uh, three to five minutes, actually.

You want a beer?

Uh, yeah, yeah, sure. Y-You want one?

Uh... I'll let you know.

-Okay. -[Nutsy yelps]

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

He's fine.

Happens all the time.

I'm sorry, can you give me a minute?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

[door closes]

Damn it, Nuts.

Give me that.

[grunts]

Give it to me.

[Nutsy growling] Let go.

Let go right now!

[Stan] Zoe, everything okay?

Uh, yeah.

You know, just showing him who's the pack leader.

[gasps]

You idiot!

You better not swallow that thing.

Give it to me... Nutsy, open, open.

You look really pretty tonight.

-Thank you. -I mean, you always look really pretty,

but tonight you look, uh, especially pretty,

and that dress is, is, uh... it's really something.

-Thank you. -You're welcome.

Did you buy a new dress for our date tonight?

Don't flatter yourself.

-I'll take that as a yes. -I guess you'll never know.

I guess not.

Except you left the price tag on.

What?

Allow me.

[sighs]

I got it.

[sighs]

You know, I've had this dress for a long time.

It's just, I haven't worn it yet, so... that's...

-Mm-hmm. -...why the tag was still on.

You're not that special.

Really?

[slow, gentle theme plays]

♪ ♪

Look at this place.

[chuckles] I don't know what to say.

-Finally. -What's that supposed to mean?

It just means "good."

Don't say anything. You don't have to say anything.

You know, just come over here, sit down.

What, you think I talk too much?

I did not say that.

-So what'd you say? -It's just you're, you're very quick.

You always have a response for things, which I like,

but tonight, just, you know, be surprised.

[clears throat]

[chuckles]

Surprise.

[laughs]

You're good.

So you worked for an Internet company.

-Mm-hmm. -I don't see that at all.

Oh, I was a very important person.

You would have been very impressed.

-Really? -Mm-hmm.

How'd you get the pet store?

Actually, it was through my dog Nuts.

Yeah, I bought him at this fancy pet store

-near my house. -Uh-huh.

Cutest puppy you have ever seen.

Six months later, he almost dies.

Yeah, it turns out he was from one of those

puppy mills where the dogs are so inbred,

he was just kind of falling apart.

What'd you do? Did you sue them?

Hmm, well, I thought about it.

Then I thought, what good would that do?

They'll still sell inbred dogs.

So... I quit my job and I took the stock option money

over to the pet store and I bought it.

I know how to milk a goat.

Does that do anything for you?

[laughs]

No, not really.

[sighs]

Can I ask you a serious question, Zoe?

What?

Did you buy that dress to wear for me tonight?

[whispering] I will never tell.

[whispering] Really?

Because, uh...

I have ways of making you talk.

-Oh, no. -[Zoe screams]

-Oh, oh, oh. -Oh, oh.

-Let me get that, let me get that. -My dress, oh.

-I got it. -Oh!

There's a hose--hose over there behind the fence.

-Okay. -[both grunting]

You see it?

Get those hose!

[grunts]

Okay.

Okay.

-[Zoe grunts] -Oh! Oh!

[Zoe sighs]

Okay, this is war.

What?! No, come on, don't.

Hand it over. Hand it over.

[screaming]

It was mean, the way you just soaked me.

You weren't even pointing at the fire.

You were pointing at my face.

Oh, what? But I wasn't trying to soak you, I swear.

Oh, whatever! I looked into your eyes,

I saw you had this crazy look in your eyes,

like a crazy person.

-Not true. -It is true and I...

You know what else? I think I owe you another dress.

And I definitely owe you another date.

Well, I'd like that.

Why don't you come to the farm with me next weekend?

I'll call you.

I'll wait by the phone.

[gentle theme plays]

What?

[sighs]

[Nutsy gagging]

[dramatic crescendo plays]

Holy shit.

-[Mona gasps] -I know.

Are you sure?

If I'm not, then my dog is.

You're not making any sense.

So you're definitely pregnant.

Congratulations.

-How we feeling? -[Mona] We're freaking out!

-What she said. -Why? I mean,

we performed an inter-uterine insemination

using sperm that you purchased.

This isn't exactly what we call an accident.

It's just happening so fast.

[Woman] Keep breathing.

Pump those arms.

What'd you all eat last night?

Hey, Arthur.

-Well, hello, my dear. -Oh, no, no, no.

-Don't get up, it's okay. -I can't get up.

Came to see my lovely fiancee?

Yes.

Oh, she's looking fine today,

let me tell you, just fine.

-Hey. -Hi, sweetheart.

-Baby. -Hey. Hi, I-I need, I need to talk to you.

-Judy. Sure. -Alone.

Oh.

Shirley.

Don't worry about them.

They can't hear anything anyway.

[whispering] Um, I'm pregnant.

What?

I'm pregnant.

Huh, what?

-I'm pregnant. -I can't hear you, darling.

Oh, Jesus, Judy! She's pregnant!

Turn up your hearing aid!

I'm confused.

You said this is what you wanted.

But this guy-- he's, he's special,

and now the whole thing's going to fall apart.

What makes him so special?

I don't know, he's very...

real and-and funny...

and different.

I like him, Nana.

What should I do?

Zoe...

You always get ahead of yourself.

You barely know him.

Spend some time with him, see what he's really like.

[sighs]

He could be a total douche bag,

and then the whole thing is moot.

Yeah.

-Hmm? -Yeah.

Maybe he is a douche bag.

Oh, come on.

Do you really think he'd ask you away

for the weekend if he had a girlfriend?

There's no way he's dating that muffin bitch, Zoe.

Trust me.

Who can say?

Maybe he's looking to get laid.

Oh. Well, don't have sex with him, okay?

You can't, because that will really complicate things.

Oh, I know.

Oh, it's going to be hard, though, with three times

the amount of blood coursing through your body.

-Excuse me? -Oh, yeah.

That's why pregnant women are so horny all the time.

Is that what it is?

-Mm-hmm. -I thought it was me.

[Mona] Oh, no. When I was pregnant,

my whole body was so sensitive,

I could have an orgasm sitting on a bus.

[groans] Think I'm going to be sick.

[groans] Me, too.

Why? It's a happy story.

-Ugh... -[Zoe] All right, all right.

-Disgusting. -I'm just going to go

up there and tell him that I'm pregnant.

Just lay all my cards on the table.

Okay, good. Just don't lay on the table.

Okay? Because you cannot have sex.

["Fallin' for You" by Colbie Caillat playing]

♪ As I'm standing here ♪

♪ And you hold my hand ♪

♪ Pull me towards you ♪

♪ And we start to dance ♪

♪ All around us ♪

♪ I see nobody, here in silence ♪

Don't look at me like that.

I know.

This is a big mess we're in.

I'm going to fix it.

[groans]

♪ I'm scared of what you'll say ♪

♪ So I'm hiding... ♪

Shit.

Here it is.

♪ Well, I'm tired of holding this inside my head ♪

♪ I've been spending all my time ♪

♪ Just thinkin' 'bout you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I think I'm fallin' for you ♪

♪ I've been waiting all my life ♪

♪ And now I found you ♪

♪ I don't know what to do ♪

♪ I think I'm fallin' for you ♪

♪ I'm fallin' for you ♪

♪ Oh, I just can't take it ♪

♪ My heart is racing... ♪

[crash]

Aah!

[steam hissing]

[sighs]

Watch out for that tree.

Yeah, thanks.

[sighs]

Hi.

Hi.

[Zoe] The tree should not have been there.

That's all I'm going to say.

Oh. Whatever, Mrs. Magoo.

Oh.

-[chuckling] Okay. -Oh, come on, now.

I'm glad you're here.

Me, too.

Stan...

there's something I need to tell you.

I'm pregnant.

Yes, pregnant.

Uh, okay.

Maybe... maybe like...

Stan...

I'm going to have a baby.

[sighs]

I'm with child.

Shit.

Stan... Stan...

Stan... I've been inseminated.

Yes.

Inseminated.

I'm gonna have a baby!

[head thumps on sink]

Stan?

[sniffing]

[gasps]

Oh.

[sighs]

[gasps, inhales]

Spoon, spoon.

Ooh.

[sighs]

Mmm.

[whimpers]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.

Mmm.

[door creaks]

[Stan clears throat]

Uh, would you like a plate?

Um, a napkin?

-Trough? -[laughing]

These are for you.

[muffled] So sweet. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're good.

Mm... mm-hmm.

Okay.

[Zoe] It's just, that stew was so delicious.

[Stan] I knew you'd like it.

So, what's the next step for a cheese farmer?

Very funny.

I want to start a sustainable gourmet shop, okay?

Cheese, wine, bread, prepared foods,

but everything local.

Nothing from farther than 30 miles.

All based on the farmers' markets.

That's a good idea.

Thank you very much.

I'm good at ideas.

I'm just not good with follow-through.

I wasn't good at marriage.

I wasn't good at running a bed-and-breakfast.

Thank God we didn't have kids.

You don't want kids?

I don't think so.

Well, I don't know.

For years, I never thought about the future.

I just kind of lived in the moment.

But maybe I'm different now.

I really want to take the next step.

You know, I really want to move on with my life.

About the future.

Uh-huh.

Let's talk about that.

Okay.

Because the-the future is now.

Right?

Right.

There's something that I need to tell you.

Hold that thought.

Come here.

♪ ♪

I want to show you something.

Well, what is it?

It's cheese.

[laughing] I can see that.

No, no, no, no, no. It's new.

I had this idea to use

these two different types of goat's milk

to come up with something really unique.

It's, uh, sweet

and sassy and complex.

[chuckles]

-I was inspired. -Mmm.

So, what are you saying, I'm your cheese muse?

Yeah.

Hmm.

You're kind of hard to read right now.

Well, I... [sighs]

really want to kiss you,

but...

it smells like...

cheese in here.

We-We have to, um... take it slow, okay?

We can't have sex.

-Fine. -Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

[grunting, moaning]

[gasping, moaning]

[moaning sigh]

Um, did you just...

[moans]

[Stan panting]

Holy shit.

[snorting]

Is my nose bleeding?

You punched me.

I'm sorry.

[coughing] No, it's okay.

It was amazing.

It was, like, over-the-top amazing.

What was that, like three or four for you?

Stan. Stan.

There's something I have to tell you.

Okay.

What is it?

[gagging]

[retching]

[coughing]

Zoe?

[water running]

[whimpering]

[water stops]

Why are you crying?

[sighs] I'm pregnant.

[chuckles]

I'm pretty sure it doesn't happen that fast.

No, I know. It's--it's--it's...

it's hard to explain.

What are you talking about?

I'm pregnant.

[zipping pants]

Who--Who's the father?

[sighs] I don't know.

I mean, I know who it is.

I just don't know his name, exactly.

It's a donor from a sperm bank.

Seriously, what the hell are you talking about?

When did all this happen?

Actually, it was, uh, the day we met.

Yeah. I didn't think to tell you because, um,

I didn't think there was any way

that I could be pregnant so fast.

But... But why?

Because I wanted a baby.

And I never met the right guy,

and I thought that if I waited any longer,

I might miss my chance.

Well, uh... all right. We just made love,

and you're telling me that you're pregnant

with some stranger's child.

Don't say it like that.

I... you make it sound dirty.

I... I wanted a baby,

and I thought I had to do it alone.

It was, it was before I met you.

I don't know what to say.

[chuckles] What am I supposed to say?

"Congratulations, this is, this is terrific news"?

I made this big decision to do this thing,

and then... and then I met you.

-I'm sorry. -About what?

Getting pregnant or lying to me about it?

I didn't lie.

You didn't tell the truth.

[slow, melancholy theme playing]

♪ ♪

[goats bleating, dogs barking]

[engine starts]

[engine sputtering]

[brakes squeak]

[engine chugging, metal clattering]

[brakes squeak]

Where are you going?

I just thought this would be easier.

To just disappear at the crack of dawn?

Don't I get a say?

You said everything there was to say last night.

No, I didn't.

Oh, you left out the part that you had a girlfriend.

That was pretty convenient.

I don't have a girlfriend.

That girl from the farmers' market?

She's not my girlfriend.

She was, but that was a few years ago.

[growls]

Olivia's in my class.

We study together.

Study what?

I'm a student.

I'm still in school.

I go at night.

Why didn't you want to tell me?

Because it's embarrassing.

You're this incredibly accomplished person,

and I didn't even finish college?

I mean, I got this great life, but...

I'm barely passing economics.

You know?

[sighs softly]

Where are you going?

Look, let's not drag this out, okay?

I lied to you, you lied to me.

We both have other plans,

and being together is just messing everything up.

We should just go our separate ways.

Goodbye.

♪ Well, you put me On the spot ♪

♪ I don't know what to say ♪

♪ But I'm trying anyway ♪

♪ Like my heart's gonna drop ♪

♪ My mind drifts away ♪

♪ And I can't control the pains ♪

♪ Words are spinning in my head ♪

♪ Don't know why I'm holding back ♪

♪ I should just tell you how I'm feeling ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ But I don't want to act a fool ♪

♪ Don't want to look confused ♪

♪ If I let you know about the way I feel ♪

♪ Don't know what you're gonna do ♪

♪ So I keep it locked inside ♪

♪ And imagine you were mine ♪

♪ And I'm feeling you so close, but yet so far ♪

[knocking at door]

♪ You hold the key to my heart ♪

♪ My, my, my, my, my heart ♪

♪ You hold the key to my heart ♪

♪ ♪

[song ends]

So, how'd you two meet?

We can, uh, we can talk later in your office or whatever.

Okay.

Well, everything seems right on track.

A little blood. Quite normal.

Stan, you don't have to stay in here if you don't want.

I'm fine. I'm--I'm good.

Now I'm going to do an ultrasound.

This is how we view the fetus.

Oh. Oh, I see.

You rub it on her stomach. For a minute,

I thought you were going to put that huge thing...

-In her vagina? -[groans]

Uh, it-it's too early to go

through the abdomen, you see, so...

we have to go through the vagina.

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

Vagina. Maybe if I say it

[chuckling] often enough,

you'll feel a little more comfortable. Vagina.

-Not working. -Okay.

Okay, now, Zoe,

with a little bit of luck,

we'll see a heartbeat.

Ah.

[Zoe] That's it? That little thing in...

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything is just, uh...

[Stan] What? What?

I see another heartbeat.

It has two hearts?

No, but you have two babies.

-[Zoe gasps] -[thud, clattering]

Are you going to leave now?

Because this is more than you bargained for.

You know, it's... it's more than I bargained for.

But just tell me, okay, so...

so I can be prepared.

I just need to sit here.

You know?

Okay.

Okay.

But then, are you going to leave?

Okay, one kid is a lot.

Two kids is a posse.

I'm just getting used to us as a couple,

and now, all of a sudden, you're having a posse?

Are you ready for a posse?

[sighs]

[children shouting, screaming, laughing]

[boy] Wait up!

[children yelling, squealing]

[sighs]

I don't even know if I like kids.

[man] Hey... beat it, pal.

All right, look, I don't want to cause a scene,

but get your hands out of your pockets

and get the hell out of here.

Oh, no, I'm talking to you, because you're the only pervert

with his hands in his pockets at a playground.

I'm not a pervert.

Hey, if you don't have kids, get lost.

I have kids, okay?

Uh, a week ago, I didn't even know she was pregnant,

and now she's having twins.

I just saw the ultrasound.

The one that goes inside.

Oh.

I know what you need.

How did this happen?

[sighs]

[sighs]

Here, take that off.

-This here? -Yeah.

Oh, man, I'm-I'm dizzy.

I'm sweaty and dizzy.

[laughs]

-That's normal, brah. -Is it?

[Stan] Which one's yours?

I've got three.

-Three? -Yeah. Hey, look.

That's Charlie right there,

and that's Roxy right there.

-See that little fellow right there? -Yeah.

That's Mack. [Stan chuckles]

He's eating sand.

Yeah.

By the time you get to the third one,

you don't worry so much about that stuff.

[Stan] What's it like--

the whole kid thing?

It's great!

Except for the lack of sleep and free time,

sex with my wife,

butt-naked Fridays in the family room with the--

That's not the answer I was looking for, man.

It's fine.

The best way I can describe it is...

it's awful, awful, awful, awful,

and then something incredible happens.

And then, awful, awful, awful,

awful... awful.

Then something incredible happens again.

It's like this all day, every day, man.

I-I-I... I feel like I'm drowning,

like-like I'm gasping

to get my old life back, and then...

a small moment happens that's...

that's so magical,

so life-affirming, that it makes it

all worthwhile.

This will be the best thing you ever do.

Dada.

Ah, hey, son.

I guess this would be that moment, huh?

Yep, this would be it.

Hey. What do you have there, son?

Poo-poo.

Well, almost.

Um, son, is that cat shit?

No.

-That's your shit? -No.

This ain't even his shit.

[groans]

Charlie, Roxy, meet me at the bathroom!

[Mack laughing]

What'd I tell you about playing with other people's shit?

So, why are you upset?

It's so lucky. To get pregnant

on the first try with frozen sperm is rare,

but to get pregnant with twins?

I mean, come on, that is unheard of.

[Zoe moans, gasps]

[Carol] Okay, okay.

When you want to speak, you can.

Does anyone else have anything in the meantime

that they'd like to share?

-Yeah. -[Carol] Tabitha.

Yeah, I'm having a hard time.

Luca keeps asking me why his friends

have two parents and he only has one.

-Oh. -I guess I knew this would happen someday,

but I just wasn't prepared for the...

-Okay, there's this guy. His name is Stan. -What?

And he's fantastic.

I wasn't-- Wasn't I just speaking?

No, no-- you know how you never meet somebody?

The kind of guy who makes you rethink everything, like...

maybe I can be a stay-at-home mom.

Maybe I can.

I love being barefoot and pregnant.

Maybe he can teach me how to make cheese

and we could live off the land.

Zoe, this group is called Single Mothers and Proud.

[Zoe] I know.

I know. I know.

I'm sorry.

I wasn't planning to meet anybody.

It just... it just happened.

And now that I've thrown all my plans out the window

and really fallen for this guy...

I'm just afraid that he might not stay.

What should I do?

Oh... I don't know.

This is wildly outside my field of expertise.

Yeah, 'cause we're a...

we're a single mothers group,

so we don't tend to give advice

-on how to get your boyfriend to commit. -No.

[Carol] Not--Not usually.

Maybe you should join a different group.

-[murmuring] Ding-dong. -[Zoe] No.

Okay, we are going to have to take a vote

-on this, Zoe, because... -Yep.

I think we, collectively,

feel that you are in a very,

wildly different place

-than where we are. -Mm-hmm.

So, we are going to take a vote.

Okay.

[thunder rumbling]

Taxi!

[sighs]

Hi.

H-How did you find me?

I called the store. I said it was an emergency.

What is it?

[both laughing]

You're crazy.

I-I don't expect you to stay.

I don't expect you to expect me to stay.

What if I want to stay?

Well, then, I'd be surprised.

And happy.

I can't promise anything.

Neither can I.

Okay.

Okay, fine. Give me the hot dog.

Perry and Hudson.

-Feel free to run every red light. -[man] You got it.

[laughs]

Here we go.

Here we go.

[laughing]

[Zoe] This sucks!

[groans] Nothing fits me!

Please, just let me wear sweats.

Honey, you can't wear sweats. This is important.

-I'll get that. -Wait. Let me suck it in.

[grunts]

-No. Wait, wait, wait, wait. -[grunting]

Have you got a jacket or something?

[sighs]

["Crabbuckit" by K-OS playing]

I got you. I got you.

-You all right? Okay. -Yes.

♪ Met a girl selling drinks at the disco ♪

♪ Said you'd come back... ♪ -I can't.

♪ Seems complicated 'cause it's really so simple ♪

♪ Walking down Yonge Street on a Friday ♪

♪ Can't follow them... ♪

-Ow! -Oh, watch it.

Oh, my...!

♪ Moving in and out, no doubt there's a brighter day ♪

♪ No time to get down 'cause I'm moving up ♪

[Zoe] I'm gonna throw up.

What?

[grunts]

-Hey, Stan, good to see you. -Hey. How are you?

Stan.

You are a prince. Thanks for coming.

Sea urchins?

♪ No time to get down 'cause I'm moving up ♪

[grunting]

♪ Check out the crabs in the bucket ♪

[door opens]

-Hi. -Hi.

[dress rips, Zoe gasps]

♪ Check out the crabs in the bucket ♪

I ripped my dress. I didn't want to go.

How about that?

Oh.

[chuckles]

♪ It's like this ♪

♪ It's like-- you know what it is? ♪

♪ It's like flies on the windscreen, writing on walls ♪

♪ Square these clones, claim they're having a ball ♪

[Stan] What is that thing?

[Zoe] Oh, Mona gave it to me.

It's supposed to help me sleep.

Mm. Okay.

[screams]

[giggles, sighs]

-Hold on. -Okay.

♪ Check out the crabs in the bucket ♪

[growls]

♪ Ah-ah ♪

♪ Check out the crabs in the bucket ♪

[snoring]

Zoe?

[snoring continues]

[sighs]

[Stan] It's been two weeks now,

and all she ever wants to do is sleep with that pillow.

The pillow is a bitch.

It's totally replacing you, right?

Totally, completely. She drags it everywhere.

My wife, she drew eyes on hers.

Look, so when I went to make a move

in the middle of the night,

-the pillow is staring at me. -Yeah.

Like, "Uh-uh, brah, I don't think so."

We used to have sex all the time.

Every day. Now I can't touch her.

I can barely go near her.

Dude, she's pregnant. You can't win.

The only one who wins

-is the pillow! -The pillow!

-Screw that pillow, man. -You might have to.

I did once.

We're going to be fine.

We're going to get through this.

Everything's going to be fine.

In a year's time, this is just going to be

-a funny memory, right? -That's right. That's right.

Before you know it, the kids will be in school,

and you'll long for the days

when a pillow was your biggest problem.

Must be hard when they first go off to school.

Little school shoes, little backpacks.

Oh, no. Saying good-bye to the kid is easy.

Saying good-bye to 20 grand-- now, that's hard.

What are you talking about, 20... What's 20 grand?

And you have twins.

Ooh, double whammy.

[chuckles]

That's a whole lot of Parmesan.

[cackling] Parmesan!

[groaning]

Oh, my God.

All right, this one says, "Most natural nipple."

That looks nothing like my nipples, Nana.

-Mm. -This one says,

"BPA free."

What's BPA?

[chuckling] I don't know.

So, how do you know you don't want it?

It's, uh... it's bisphenol A, and you do not want it.

Uh, if you're going to use a bottle--

which we do not advocate,

-because breast is best-- -Better.

use a glass bottle.

How are you, honey?

I'm good.

Oh. We've missed you at the meetings.

-Oh. -Okay. Yes.

I... I never heard back after the vote,

so I just... I assumed that I was out.

Oh, no-no. It was unanimous.

Didn't anyone call you?

But... hmm?

-No. [mutters] -No?

Okay.

-Okay? -[Zoe] Well, this is my nana,

-and this is Arthur, her fiance. -Hello.

-Hello. Nice to meet you. -How you doing?

So, when are you getting married?

She's kept me waiting for 22 years,

so I'm not holding my breath.

So, Zoe, uh, can I, uh, put you on the phone tree?

Kind of want the whole group there when it happens.

Thanks.

That's... that means a lot.

-Great. -Okay. Well, happy shopping,

and check out the strollers on aisle six,

because they're awesome.

-Did you not call her? -Okay. Okay.

♪ ♪

[sighs]

[door bangs open]

[Zoe] Stan!

Stan!

-Looky! -Zoe?

Hey.

-What is that? -It's a Twin X Deluxe,

the Rolls-Royce of strollers.

Isn't it awesome?

It's big.

It's supposed to fit through most doorways.

I don't think so. Just... okay, let-let me just...

get it sideways.

-Keep trying. There. -Just hang on. It's got to have

a thing here... here.

Hang on. Hang on.

-Ah, shit! -Are you okay?

It bit me.

-[sighs] -What the hell is going on here?

You're supposed to get an outfit to bring

the babies home in, from the hospital.

Yeah, but how many babies are you having?

Well, I just got two of everything-- look.

-Baby Village People. -How much money did you spend today?

Where are we going to put all this shit anyway?

Oh, don't worry about it. It'll be okay.

Yeah, I don't see how that's possible. I mean, you

haven't even had the babies yet and everything's changed.

Well, you know what? There's the door, Stan.

-If you want to go, you can go. -Stop it.

I hate it when you do that.

I know.

I'm sorry.

Let me see.

[whispers] I'm sorry.

Have you gotten to page 279 yet?

No. I stopped reading when you tore out

one of my pages and used it as a napkin.

[laughs]

Well, it says here that women in their third trimester

experience hormonal mood swings

and their partners just have to be

extra understanding about it.

You coming on to me right now?

It's kind of hard to tell.

What?

You, uh... you have chicken in your hair.

-Just right... right there. -I do?

Yeah.

Did I get it?

Mm-hmm.

You know what, honey?

-Hmm? -Well, just...

-I'm sorry, but not tonight, okay? -Hmm?

Okay?

Okay.

[grunts]

[sighs]

[belches]

Sorry.

That's okay.

♪ ♪

[dishes clattering quietly]

[clattering]

Hey, babe. Hey.

You want some breakfast?

No, thank you.

It's... It's still nighttime.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

Do you know how much preschool is? 20 grand.

For circle time.

What about college?

Actually, I think colleges run about 50 grand right now,

but that's right now, so figure in 18 years,

it'll be double that, at least.

And, well, we have twins, so double it again.

So, what's that, like, 200 grand a year?

We haven't even bought books

or clothes or shit, you know.

They're probably going to need cars when they're at school.

You know I'm going to be a pushover

and buy them whatever they want.

So, what's that, like half a million a year?

I don't have half a million a year.

I'm in night school.

Just something I was thinking about.

It's no big deal.

Why don't you come back to bed, honey?

-Okay. -Okay.

[slow, gentle theme plays]

Did I... Did I wake you up?

No.

We're going to be okay.

I have money saved.

[sighs] It's not just about the money.

You know, I'll figure out a way to make enough money.

What is it, then?

It's just...

I need to know...

are you still in there?

I'm still here.

[gentle theme playing]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Excuse me!

Can I help you?

What do you think?

[clattering]

It's a bit overwhelming, huh?

There are so many, and-and they're so... big.

Well, they have to be big.

Two babies, right?

Yeah, but... but-but babies are small.

These are for, like, giant mutant babies.

Well, you should see some of the babies that come in here.

Total fat-asses.

[whispering] By the way,

my boyfriend and I do custom work.

We can solve this.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[door opens]

[Zoe screams]

Zoe?

What are you doing?

Nothing.

-How was your exam? -Shitty.

Come on, come on. What were you doing?

Nothing.

[sighs]

I gained three more pounds this week.

And I think it went all to my ass.

You look great. You always look great.

I missed you today.

I miss my old ass.

You know what's weird?

I never knew your old ass.

It was kind of like this ass, but way hotter.

-[Zoe whispering] Baby. -[Stan] Yeah?

This is my old ass.

Hmm?

What?

Why do you have a picture of your ass?

My college boyfriend took it.

I mean, so, in all fairness,

it doesn't look exactly like that,

but it's pretty close.

It's held up.

Yeah. It's a nice ass.

Look, this is me in the seventh grade.

This is me and Nana

at my confirmation.

This is the last picture I have of my mom.

I mean, she lived for a few more years after this, but...

we didn't take any pictures,

because she didn't want us to remember her that way.

I was eight years old when she died.

I can't imagine.

She had this great laugh.

And really soft hands.

She used to rub my back before I went to sleep.

Such a small thing,

but I think about it all the time.

Why don't you ever talk about your dad?

Well, she was in a coma for two years after this.

He didn't stick around.

Oh, God, Zoe.

I'm so sorry.

It's no big deal.

It was an important lesson for me.

That's when I realized that nothing lasts forever.

So, now you know everything.

Some things can last forever.

Maybe.

So, about my exam.

I didn't exactly...

[phone ringing]

That's weird.

[quietly] I'm confused.

Why'd you say you'd come in the first place?

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

[Lori] I did.

-Is that Zoe? -Zoe!

-Hey. -Oh, it is so nice of you to come.

Hi.

Yeah, we just wanted to come

and stop by and say a quick "hi" and "good luck."

Oh, no, you're staying, you have to stay.

Lori wants us all here for this.

We, We-- I-I-I really want to stay, but...

[groaning]

Oh, she's having a contraction.

[groaning continues]

[groaning stops, Zoe chuckles]

[groans] Okay, so wha-what were you saying?

This is Stan.

-Of course. -Hi.

Hi, um, congratulations on...

Oh, thank you.

Hey, you two should get in here.

Oh, no, n-n-no, this is your special moment...

No-- oh, God, I'm not shy.

-Come on, I've been through it before. -[Stan] Zoe.

I am not shy, Zoe.

-It is really quite beautiful. -Hi, hi.

[sighs]

How long do we have to stay here?

Let's just wait till it starts and then we'll sneak out.

-Okay. -[thumping on drum]

Come on, everyone.

It's happening.

Come on.

She's about to get into the water.

[water splashes]

The what?

[singing rhythmic chant]

I'm gonna be out here.

Okay?

[melodic chant continues, Lori groaning]

[Lori, straining] Oh, God...

[women singing the melodic chant]

-Wow! -I know, isn't it amazing

how the human body can just open up like that?

[chanting continues]

I think I'm gonna go get a little air.

I'm fee-- I'm feeling a little...

No, Zoe.

Don't you move, Zoe.

You're my focal point.

-Oh, God, oh, God. -What?

-[Lori straining] -[Tabitha] Push, Lori, push.

Okay, okay...

[groaning]

Holy shit!

You can't leave. You're her focal point.

But can't she use somebody else?

She's in labor! You can't argue with her now!

Someone grab her legs.

-[Lori straining] -Okay, lift them up.

Lift them up. And push.

-Breathe. -[chanting continues]

[loud straining]

Jesus, what is that?!

It's perfectly natural.

Sometimes the bowels just release.

Ridley, if you could.

-Okay, Lori. -[Lori straining]

No, Zoe, don't you move!

You are my focal point!

What does, what does that even mean?!

-I need to turn over! -Okay, do it, Lori.

I need to turn over, please, I need to turn over.

We're here for you, sister.

-I need to turn over. -We're all here!

-Yes, yes. -[Lori straining]

[bleating]

We are all here with you!

Aah! Ow, ow, ow!

[bleating]

Oh, God, here comes the head!

Get me a mirror! I want to see it!

No, you don't, you don't!

No! Goddamn it, Zoe, don't move!

I thought you wanted a mirror.

-Stan! The mirror! -What?

-The mirror! -W-What mirror?

Get the mirror!

-For the love of God, Stan! -Get the mirror!

[all shouting]

-Get the mirror! -Bring it!

Come on, hurry up!

Hi, I'm, I'm Stan.

Hi. I'm sorry.

-Oh, give me the mirror. Nobody cares. -Okay.

-Um... -No, no.

Look at all that hair.

That's not the baby's hair!

[Lori grunting]

[Tabitha] Push, Lori, push.

Push, baby, push.

[Lori screaming]

[both screaming]

[Lori gasps, women applaud]

[baby crying]

[both sigh, groan]

[all gasp]

Everyone says it's so beautiful.

I thought it was terrifying.

I don't ever want to see that again.

But you want to see ours, right?

I don't know, baby.

Uh, it was just... Shouldn't have seen that.

[sighs]

Hey.

Um, I was just coming by to see if you were okay.

I was worried about you after the exam.

-Oh. -What happened with the exam?

Oh, I-I was trying to tell you last night, but...

Wow... Wow.

What happened?

-I walked out of the exam. -Why?

I'm quitting school.

I-I can't believe you're pregnant.

Why are you quitting school?

Because if I stay in school,

I can only work part-time,

and if I can only work part-time,

I can't afford all our expenses.

I need to work, honey.

I had no idea it was this serious.

You're having a baby?

I didn't know you'd been together that long.

Well, uh, yeah, they're not mine,

but yes, we're having a baby.

We're having twins, actually.

What do you mean "They're not mine"?

Oh, I did... I didn't mean it like that.

Why would you say that?

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm not exactly thinking straight.

I've been up all night watching Orca give birth.

-I am such an idiot. -No, Zoe.

Oh, God, I am so stupid.

This is... This is not about money

or that you can't afford kids.

You don't want this.

That's the problem.

He always told me he didn't want kids.

Why are you still here?

Uh, okay.

That's it, isn't it?

Really? After everything we've been through,

you think I don't want kids? You really think that?

-That's what you just said. -That's not what I just said.

It's what you just heard. There's a big difference.

I don't think you're ready for this.

Now that it's all happening,

now that you've seen a woman push a baby out,

now, now it's all too real for you,

and you're scared.

Damn right, I'm scared. Yeah.

Aren't you scared?

You know what I'm scared of?

I'm scared that I'm gonna have these babies

and then you're going to walk away.

You're going to say, "They're not mine," and just walk away.

Yeah, well, every day you're looking

for some kind of hint that I'm leaving,

no matter how many times I tell you that I'm not.

I-I don't know what else to do.

What else am I supposed to do?

Nothing.

So what are you saying?

Just go now.

-I don't want to go. -Go.

This is crazy, Zoe. It's crazy.

If you don't go, I'll go.

Wow.

You know what?

Just so you know, when you do the autopsy here,

you better realize you have no one to blame but yourself.

You had to come along, didn't you?

I was fine with my plan,

totally fine with it.

[slow, melancholy theme plays]

[keys jingling]

♪ ♪

[quiet sigh]

[panting]

[Mona voice-over] You've lost your mind.

Just give me a boost.

If you think you are getting

into this Dumpster, so help me...

I need that pillow, okay?

I can't sleep.

I will never sleep again without that pillow.

Well, go to his house,

tell him you're sorry.

Then you'll be able to sleep.

This has nothing to do with that stupid pillow!

I'm not going to his house, okay?

-He walked away from me. -No, you made him walk away.

Ah, what do you know? You weren't even there!

I've known you for 30 years.

I know that you would never see this through.

I know that you don't trust people.

You and your grandmother, crazy-pants.

She's been engaged to Arthur for how long now?

She's never going to marry him,

just like you were never going to stay with Stan.

Okay, Mona.

I mean, no wonder you got a sperm donor.

He's the perfect boyfriend.

He'll never let you down.

You know, I used a sperm donor because I wanted a baby.

Because I wanted a family.

Because Nana's not going to live forever,

and then it'll just be me.

Okay, just... go home, okay?

I don't need you here.

I need my pillow.

I'm sorry.

That was too far.

Yeah, that was too far.

But you know I'm right.

Stop talking.

My pillow doesn't talk.

It just lies there and shuts up.

[Nutsy whining]

Don't beg, Nuts.

[whimpers]

My God, you are stubborn.

[door opens]

Knock, knock. [chuckles]

Who's ready to celebrate?

Oh, Mona, I'm so glad you're here,

'cause now I can tell both of you together.

[sighs]

I'm getting married.

-What?! -What?!

Next weekend.

We finally decided to do it.

[all screaming]

Oh, my God.

-Oh, my God. -Oh.

It finally hit me.

This man loves me and I love him.

What the hell am I waiting for, huh?

Oh, I have you to thank for it, Zoe.

Just seeing you and Stan together, how happy you are.

You know, the way you-you've just

thrown caution to the wind and decided to go for it.

I want some of that, too.

[cork pops]

What?

Uh, Stan and I broke up.

He said the babies weren't his.

He didn't mean to say it.

Tell her the whole story.

He said it. And if he said it, he thinks it,

and if he thinks it,

then he feels it, and if he feels it,

what choice do I have?

[Nana] Zoe, you know that's not true.

You're just looking for another way to back out.

-Thank you. -I'm, I'm, I'm not gonna do this.

-This man has chosen to be with you... -Uh... I-I'm not.

-...and raise your kids as his own. -La, la, la, la...

You're just going to throw that all away

for some stupid word choice?!

[sighs]

[gentle, melancholy theme plays]

[whimpers]

[whimpering]

♪ ♪

Look at you.

Oh, look at you.

[laughing gently]

[crying]

I'm worried about you.

[crying] No, don't, don't worry.

Oh, I'm, I'm great.

I'm great.

Just... I'm just emotional.

Come on, let me just finish your makeup, okay?

Honey, you don't always have to be so strong.

You know, I know you learned it from me, but it's no good.

What does it get you?

It means that I take care of myself,

just like you always did.

No, Arthur takes care of me.

He's been taking care of me for 22 years.

I just didn't want to admit it.

Zoe, stop pushing people away.

I don't want to talk about this, okay?

Listen to me.

Zoe, you will never have a healthy relationship

with Stan or any man if you don't.

You have to learn to trust people.

Hmm?

Okay?

[doorbell rings]

What is that?

It's your custom stroller-- the Twin X Torpedo.

-Oh, geez. -Hey, hey, hey.

Uh, I didn't order this.

Your husband did, or your boyfriend.

I don't know exactly what your relationship is.

Stan? When did he do that?

About a month ago.

You don't like it.

Shit, we worked really hard on this one.

He wasn't going to leave, was he?

Huh?

I'm not really sure what's happening here.

[chuckles nervously]

We gotta go get him.

What? I-I'm getting married in 20 minutes.

Weddings never start on time.

We can't be late. He's 93 years old!

Oh...

[classical music plays]

Stop it.

[Zoe whispering] Pick up.

Oh, he has to pick up.

[Nana speaking quietly] I'm gonna hurl that thing

into the fucking holy water.

♪ I see skies of blue ♪

♪ Clouds of white ♪

♪ Bright blessed days ♪

♪ Dark sacred nights ♪

♪ And I think to myself ♪

♪ What a wonderful world ♪

[phone keypad beeping]

♪ The colors of the rainbow ♪

[phone buzzing repeatedly]

Oh, is, is this new-- the Zoe?

Uh, yeah, yeah, it's the first week it's been out.

Oh, can I, can I have a sample? What's it like?

Well, it's, uh, it's stubborn,

overly suspicious and distrustful of men.

Huh?

♪ Think to myself ♪

[whispers] This song is taking forever.

-This song is never going to be over. -[keypad beeping]

♪ World ♪

[woman sustaining note]

[woman gasps, guests applaud]

[crowd sighs]

What time is it, Shadybrook?

-That's right. -["She Drives Me Crazy" playing]

It's conga time!

[woman gasps, guests cheer]

Everybody, get out there and shake those titanium hips.

-Whoo! -Conga!

Conga time.

Listen, hey, I just need to talk to you for two seconds.

-What? -We really got to go. -I've been thinking

-about the kids' father. -We have to go.

[overlapping chatter]

♪ Things you do ♪

♪ Don't seem real ♪

♪ She drives me crazy... ♪

Please get me out of here.

Can't find any exit signs behind the purple flowers.

[Clive] I mean, who knew the conga was this much fun?

♪ She drives me crazy ♪

♪ And I can't help myself... ♪

I have rhythm all of a sudden-- aah!

-My God! -[guests gasping]

-[band stops playing] -[woman] Oh, shit.

[grunts] Why is the floor wet?

Damn it, not again.

No, not me.

-It wasn't me. -Not me. -Nope.

I think my water just broke.

Oh...?

Oh! Baby time!

[Zoe panting] Hee-hee, hoo-hoo, hee-hee, hoo-hoo.

[all] Hee-hee, hoo-hoo, hee-hee, hoo-hoo.

-Hoo-hee... -S-Stop it, stop it.

-Stop it. -Oh, now, what can we do for you, darling?

I don't know-- this dress is tight.

I can do it, if you just want to let me... grab the strap.

-Aah, fingernail! -Can we make a pit stop?

[horn honking]

[horn honking]

[people scream, horn honks]

[tires screech]

Are you okay?

[Woman] You can't drive in here!

Okay, move it, out of the way. Lady with a baby.

[man] You just gonna leave it there?

-[Olivia] Zoe? What's going on? -[Mona] Your muffins suck ass!

-I've been going out of my mind. -What are you doing here?

I'm trying to call you and doing the conga.

My dress is falling-- and when they say

labor's painful, they are not kidding.

-It really hurts. -You're in labor?

But the stroller came, and it's so beautiful.

Oh, God!

That hurts, God.

Why didn't you pick up your phone?

-When? What?! -I called you a hundred times.

I wanted you at the wedding.

-What wedding? -It was so beautiful.

And then it wasn't-- people slipping everywhere.

Oh, God, I hope nobody got hurt.

Okay, you-you're not making any sense.

No, that's just it.

Everything makes sense.

All of a sudden, everything is just so... crystal clear.

And the thing that's the clearest is that I am

so madly, deeply and completely in love with you.

I can't imagine spending another minute apart.

Stan?

Stan?

Zoe, after all this time,

you come in here and you expect...

[Zoe screams, moans]

I gotta go to the hospital.

-I gotta go to the hospital. -Zoe, stop...

-Let's go, move it, move it. -[Stan] Zoe...

-Wait up, Zoe. -Move it. Get the lead out.

-Zoe, wait up. -Let's go, let's go,

-let's go, let's go. -Zoe, wait.

[Zoe panting]

Listen to me. How do I know

when things get tough, you won't just run away again?

You know, I mean, I can't handle it.

You broke my heart.

You completely destroyed me.

You destroyed me, too-- it's not like this has been easy for me!

Oh, son of a... bitch!

Just, uh, breathe through it, it's going to be okay.

Don't you tell me it's going to be okay!

[crying] You don't know that it's gonna be okay.

It hurts, I'm scared!

-It is going to be okay! -Let's try

to refrain from yelling at the patient, okay?

I'm not yelling, I'm just trying to get her

-to see my point! -It sounds like yelling to me.

What it's gonna take for you

to believe that I'm here forever?

You had to see a stupid stroller?

What about the fact I've been

to every doctor's appointment with you?

I-I picked out names with you.

I saved this

from the very first day we met.

It's the one that was tails-up and you flipped it to heads.

I've kept it this whole time.

And it's brought me the most incredible luck.

I can't believe you kept that.

What about the fact that, like it or not,

I will be here holding your hand through this?

What about the fact that I'm gonna be here

when these babies are born?

Because I love their mommy.

And what I want more than anything else in the world...

is to be their daddy.

But you have to promise me that, from now on,

you'll believe me when I say I'm in

and I'm not going anywhere.

Can you do that?

Can you?

[whispers] Yes.

[monitor beeping steadily]

[Zoe gasps]

Okay.

-[doctor] All right, now push. Time to push. -Okay.

-[Zoe groaning] -Go.

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe.

[Stan] "Remember my three rules."

"No touch, no talk and no eye contact

while the dog's nose is busy analyzing our energy

and all the different scents in our body.

This sniffing can last from three seconds to a minute.

It's important not to interrupt the dog

while she's intent on accomplishing this ritual."

You know, one day, I'm gonna tell you girls the story

of your mommy and me.

Cesar should write a book about that one.

Talk about a best seller.

Come here.

[burps]

That's nice.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Come here.

It was a battle, but they finally fell asleep.

Penny had a poop and then...

Don't talk about Penny's poop when I'm about to kiss you.

Oh, okay.

[moans]

[gentle theme plays]

STAN [voice-over] It's perfect.

You know what the best part is?

You can stop in for lunch every single day.

[laughter, chattering]

-Oh, hi, you're here. -Speech, speech!

-[Crowd chanting] Speech, speech, speech! -[Lori] Hey!

Okay, thank you.

Um, wow.

Thank you all for coming.

This has been a dream for me for a long time.

And, uh...

I need to thank one person for giving me the courage to do it.

To Zoe.

[all] To Zoe!

From the moment you stole my cab...

[laughter]

...from the day you dissed me at the farmers' market...

I have been totally and completely under your spell.

I love you,

and you've made me the happiest man alive.

It was my cab.

[laughter]

Zoe, come over here for a minute.

-Give me that. -Uh-oh. [groans]

-What? -[laughter]

Since we do everything backwards and in hyper-speed,

I was wondering if we could do

what only naturally follows having twin girls together.

Oh, my...

Holy shit!

Will you marry me?

[crowd murmuring quietly]

Say yes.

Yes.

[crowd cheering]

Yay!

[cheering, applause]

[laughs]

[Zoe] I can't believe it.

-I know. -[Zoe laughs]

Did we really just get engaged?

Yes, we did.

Soon you will be my wife.

[Zoe laughing]

[grunts]

Stan...?

[vomits]

Stan!

[barks]

♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ People told me ♪

-♪ I should write a love song ♪ -[man] Action.

-[drumming] -What? -♪ Girl, you sound so angry ♪

-I-I'm... -♪ You could use some variation ♪

-[operatic vocalizing, laughter] -♪ But I'm lonely ♪

-Mmm. -♪ Negative relations, I've been hurt ♪

-Mmm! ♪ So many times, I don't have the patience ♪

-Whoa. Mmm. ♪ But I've wished for so long ♪

-[crew laughing] -♪ For someone to come and show me... ♪

Dakota was born right here.

Right where you're sitting, actually.

Now, how did you do that here in the... this chair?

The seat comes up.

[laughter]

What do you have in your hand?

Daddy, poo-poo.

♪ What if I never find... ♪

[woman] What a good girl.

You're okay. Walk!

Get up there. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on.

Go on. Good.

[drumming]

[laughing]

No! Wait a minute!

I did my banging!

When did you eat corn?

-Is this cat shit? -No.

We don't even know what kind of shit it is.

[laughing]

♪ I wouldn't be lonely... ♪

Go on. Go on. Good, good, good.

Go on, go on, go on.

[whimpers]

[man] Take one... Take five...

Take ten... 15... 24...

[garbled] There. Happy now?

Do you know what goes into those things?

-[groans] -Oh, my God.

-[laughter] -Awesome.

Yeah, do that.

-That'd be nice. -[clattering]

Oh, God.

Breast to face--

there is no better bond that could be made.

Breast to face.

Butt-naked Fridays in the family room.

Butt-naked Wednesdays.

Butt-naked Friday while the maid is cleaning your living room.

Butt-naked. Butt-naked. Butt-naked. Naked. Naked.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[Lori straining] Push, Lori. Push.

[straining]

[Carol] Perfectly natural.

Sometimes the bowels just release.

My mother is dead.

If she was here, she would probably

let me feed from her teat.

[crew laughing]

[bleating]

[growling]

Get that bitch! Yeah! [women shouting]

I will rip your throat out!

[growling]

[sighing]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[straining]

[yells]

Not tonight. Okay?

[chuckles]

Okay.

[laughing]

[laughing]

-[man] And cut. -Oh, it was in my hair.

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ Na-na ♪

♪ Na-na ♪ ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ I've been alone for the past three years on Valentine's Day ♪

♪ Christmas is no exception ♪

♪ Birthdays with naughty presents ♪

♪ Been back and forth, same action ♪

♪ I just need this to happen ♪

♪ I'll be singing love's praises ♪

♪ If you would show me ♪

♪ What if I never find ♪

♪ And I'm left behind ♪

♪ Should I keep hopin' for love? ♪

♪ What if I'm still the same? ♪

♪ Status doesn't change? ♪

♪ Gotta keep hopin' for love ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ What is love, what is love? ♪

♪ Somebody show me ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ What is love, what is love? ♪

♪ 'Cause if you told me ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ What is love, what is love? ♪

♪ I wouldn't be lonely ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ Please show me ♪

♪ What is love? ♪ ♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ What is love? ♪ ♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪ ♪ What is love? ♪

♪ What is love? ♪ ♪ Na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na ♪

♪ Na-na-na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na-na-na... ♪

[music ends]