Original subtitles

- Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

- ♪ Ohh...

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

- ♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

- SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

[laid-back steel guitar]

♪

[elegant harpsichord music]

- Well, what do you think?

Do you love it?

- Mr. Tentacles, I simply cannot express

my true feelings about your work!

- Yes, I realize my artistic brilliance can be overwhelming.

- Quite frankly...

[inhales]

It stinks!

- Yes, and--what?!

Now, see here!

Maybe this museum is too low-brow

for this masterpiece!

- [gasps]

How dare you! Be gone!

- [grunting]

- And take your putrid painting with you!

It has no place in this museum's art collection!

- Won't anyone save my precious painting!?

- Got it!

- Why couldn't it have been anyone else?

Give me that! [straining]

What are you doing here?!

- Patrick is the museum's new security guard!

And he's giving me a guided tour.

- [grunts] Heh.

- Him? Security?!

Pfft! Ha!

This museum's dumber than I thought.

Hold on, Squidward...

if that pointy-headed pea brain

is the security guard for this place,

then I could sneak my artwork into the museum!

- Sneak what into a where?

- Think louder, Squidward! You're mumbling!

- Get out of my head!

[grunting]

- [squeaking]

- [sighs] Give me that!

both: Bye!

- Bon voyage!

- Keep making pretty pictures!

The first exhibit on our tour is...

[eerie music]

- Whoa!

- The employee locker room!

- Wow!

Your life is so glamorous!

- You could be my junior assistant!

- Really?! - Sure.

There's a ton of uniforms in these metal boxes!

Check it out!

Let me just get my key.

[straining]

Put this on! - Okay!

[yells]

Well, how do I look?

- Guard-tastic!

[indistinct chatter]

Now, rule number one of guarding is,

don't let visitors touch stuff.

- No touchy, no feely. Eye-eye.

- Rule number B: no running!

[children shouting]

- Single file, children, single file.

- But stampeding is just fine.

And the most important rule of all is,

don't let visitors steal stuff!

If you see anybody suspicious,

you give them the ol' stink eye!

Hmm.

- [chuckling]

Hm?

[eyes hissing]

[groaning]

- Now you try!

- [grunts]

- Whew.

[screams]

- [straining]

[squeaking]

- Mmmm.

Ooh, delicious. [giggling]

- Ohh...

- You'll get there, pal.

Behold, SpongeBob.

Before laughter, there was the pre-hysterical period.

- [gasps] Oh, look, honey!

- [humming]

- What an excellent example

of the primitive security guard era.

- Ooh! I almost forgot rule number fourth!

No flash photography!

[both scream]

And that is everything I know about being a security guard.

[chomping]

[belches] - Oh!

- Now, I'll teach you everything I don't know.

[crickets chirping]

Right this way.

- Oh, boy!

An extinct wooly mollusk!

[trumpeting]

Aw, this little guy looks like my Gary.

Meow.

Too bad we aren't allowed to touch anything.

- Pfft! SpongeBob,

the rules don't apply to us.

We're security! - Hooray!

[giggling]

Pffft!

[giggling]

[buzzing]

- Is that it? Come on.

Do something!

[growling]

[panting]

Why! Won't! You! Work?!

Huh?

[both scream]

[grunting]

And here we see the ancient junk of the great empire

of Pat-Lantis!

[dramatic music]

- [whistles]

- Hm?

Hey! No touching the exhibits, buddy!

[grunting] Oof!

[rumbling]

[all scream]

[dramatic music]

[toilet flushes]

- Hmm...

[gasps]

- Sorry about that, mister.

Ooh!

- Huh? Oh, look, Patrick! A mummy!

- Mummy! Awww.

- Uh, no, Patrick. It's not your mother--

- Love your new look! How's dad?

- Never mind.

[stampeding]

Will those kids be okay in there?

- Oh sure, Mummy loves kids!

I think this is yours.

- Hm. Huh?

[stampeding]

Single file, children.

[groans]

- Ooooh.

Ooooh!

Ooh-ooh-ooh.

- [gasps]

- Hee! both: Whatcha doin'?!

- [gasps]

I'm cleaning centuries of dirt from this priceless painting.

- Going too slow!

- I think I know how we can speed things along!

- Please stand back for your safety.

Ooh!

[grinding]

[bells jangling]

Here you go!

[shattering]

[sunny music]

♪

- [grunts]

[maniacal laughter]

- Now to hang my masterpiece.

Mm-hmm...

[grunting]

[chuckling]

[muttering]

- Ooh! I didn't know they had pin the tail on the sea-donkey!

- This place has everything!

[both giggling]

[camera shutter clicks]

- Hey! No flash photography!

- Whew!

[chuckling]

[gasps]

- Yahhh!

- [neighing]

- The winner!

- [chuckling]

- Did you see that guy? - Yeah!

No running allowed! Let's get him!

- Hee-haw!

Ah! They're finally gone!

[chortling]

Hmm? Hmm.

[grunts]

- Hey, Patrick? I think that guy's trying to--

- Touch that painting!

- Hmm? Hmm.

[chuckling]

- Uh-oh! - And now he's stealing it!

- [imitates siren]

- [panting]

Oh, no. Dead end!

[sitar music]

[gasps]

- Stop, thief!

- [panting]

Ha, ha--oh!

[grunts]

- Looks like this case is all wrapped up.

- [mumbling]

- Thank you, Mummy. - Anytime, sweetie.

- [gasps]

[all panting]

- [wheezing] We're never gonna catch him!

- Ooh! The woolly mollusk!

Ah!

- Hi-ya!

[dramatic music]

- [roars]

- Hmm. - Um...

[grunting] Come on.

[grunting]

- [panting] Ha, ha! Too slow!

[stampeding]

- Single file, children.

Single file.

- [chuckling]

[both shout]

- We've secured the purple-tater, over.

[siren wailing]

- [sighs]

Hmm?

- There! Back where you belong.

- [mumbling] It's beautiful!

- You actually like that eyesore?

- Why, it's the greatest painting I've ever seen...

hanging in a museum!

[cackling]

- Okay, that's enough, weirdo.

- [chuckling]