Original subtitles

Are you ready, kids?

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

I can't hear you.

all: Aye, aye, Captain!

♪ Ohh... ♪

♪ Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Absorbent and yellow and porous is he ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ If nautical nonsense be something you wish ♪

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

♪ Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish ♪

- all: SpongeBob SquarePants! - Ready?

all: SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob SquarePants!

SpongeBob

SquarePants!

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

[lively tropical music]

♪ ♪

Wow, another Mermaid Man reboot.

It's how I always reimagined the reboot would be remade.

Ooh, cold knees.

Oh, you say you got cold knees?

Icy joints, Siberian patellas?

What you need is a pair of long pants.

Long pants?

Well, I don't think I'm ready for long pants.

Nonsense.

No fella should walk around with shiver shins.

Give yourself a leg up.

Join the trouser troops.

all chanting: Hup, hup, hup!

Don't be a slacker. Wear slacks.

Uh, well, I don't--uh...

Okay!

How do I look?

Excuse me, sir,

I was just talking to a little, baby,

schoolboy a second ago.

About yea high.

Wh--wh--what? It's you!

I didn't recognize you with your mature,

grown-up, long pants.

You're pulling my leg, Mister.

I don't look like a man.

Do I?

Hey, man.

He called me a man!

And my knees are a perfect 72 degrees.

[clicks tongue]

[all gasping, exclaiming]

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

[all exclaiming]

You can see who wears the pants in here!

Is that my daddy?

I wish.

Uh, excuse me, sir.

That door is for employees only.

Oh, SpongeBob.

Hmm. [sniffing]

There is something different about you today.

You seem more able-bodied.

Well, must be the long pants.

[squeals] So they are!

You run the register today.

In the galley with you, Mr. Squidward.

And start cooking.

But Mr. Krabs, why?

Well, just look.

SpongeBob's got long pants on,

and you've got... none.

all: Oh!

Aah! [crashes]

Oh, I could get used to this job.

Hey, Squidward, what's on sale this week?

Nothing. There's never a sale.

Squidward, how much is the senior discount?

There's no senior discount.

[sizzling]

[grunting, groaning]

Aah! Ooh! Aah!

- Squidward? - What?

What do I do when the register is $2,000 short?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right, all right. That's enough.

I see it was a mistake to put you behind the register.

You're just looking too good for such insipid, menial work.

[grouchy blubbering]

You should be the maitre d'.

Greeting customers when they come in.

Charming the pants off of everyone

with your long pants.

[laughing] Okay.

Hi. How are you?

Looking good.

Mustard with that? All right.

How is that patty treating you, sir?

Are you an angel?

No, merely a man.

A man in long pants.

[loud gobbling]

[slurps, spits]

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

[slobbering]

[gasps]

[whines]

Aah! Aah!

Oh, my precious long pants!

What's wrong, slick?

You're not having trouble

with your pants, are you?

Nothing like that, Mr. Krabs.

I just don't think I'm maitre d' material.

Yeah, you're right.

You're too good for this place.

[customers belching]

As much as I'd hate to admit it,

I've outgrown the Krusty Krab.

Time for me to move on.

[heroic music]

[whistles]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

♪ ♪

Where is he going?

A place called manhood.

Doris, I insist.

Don't be silly.

Allow me, ladies.

I should pay.

After all, I am a man.

And I'm wearing... [whistles]

What an inseam.

And those pleats were pretty easy on the eyes.

[boat roaring]

Ah, shrimp!

Oh, dry cleaning in one hour.

Uh, ticket, please.

Has it already been an hour?

One more time! [laughing]

[whistles] Ah, yeah.

[brakes squealing]

Congratulations, you passed your driver's test.

Wahoo!

You know, I never took

the driver's test with long pants.

I'll do it!

There goes a real man.

Let's try parallel parking.

Now take it slow.

A little faster.

Oh! Oh! Whoa! Ugh!

[metal crashing]

Hey, I think I'm getting the hang of this.

I was gonna fail you and send you to jail,

but because of those long pants,

and all the blood rushing to my head, you pass.

I finally got my driver's license.

Oh, oh! Lock your doors.

Bar your windows. It's the end of the world!

Help wanted?

Now this seems like a long pants establishment.

Today's special is a most amusing Indian Ocean

sea grass, handpicked by indigenous prawns,

pre-chewed by local manatees

and then smothered in a rich, red algae.

[all muttering]

Extraordinary.

And may I add, those are very

impressive britches you're wearing.

Britches?

Oh, these old things.

What is your name?

- SpongeBob-- - [clears throat]

SpongeRobert.

Well, SpongeRobert, how would you like to join us?

We're going to a party.

Boy, would I? I love parties!

[smug laughter]

[elegant music playing]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

What are you looking for, SpongeRobert?

I'm looking for the party.

This is the party.

♪ ♪

Well, where's the party hats?

Where's the cake and the clown?

You can't have a party without a clown.

Oh, SpongeRobert.

If it weren't for your pants,

I'd take you for the type of immature ignoramus

that would frequent the Krusty Krab.

[chuckles nervously] Yeah.

[dolphin chattering]

Hey, what's that?

The Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy movie

is opening tonight!

Wow! I totally forgot.

Hey, guys, I've got an idea.

Let's all go to the Mermaid Man movie.

[laughs]

You're incorrigible, but the cinema is a delightful idea.

There's a foreign film at the art house

I've been meaning to see.

It's called, "The Table."

[high-pitched whistling]

[glass shattering]

[cat meowing]

I don't get it.

We've been staring at this table for three hours.

That table could use a cleaning.

Shh!

Some people are trying to enjoy lé cinema.

Oh, hey, Squidward.

Hey, do you understand what this movie's about?

Nobody does. It's art.

Now sit down!

- Hey, Squidward? - What?

Are you remembering to flip the patties clockwise?

It's very important because the heat--

Please, sit down!

I'm sorry, sir.

You're being too loud.

I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Uh, wait, Squidward!

I'll walk you out!

[grumbling]

Squidward!

Hey, SpongeBob!

Y'all going to see the Mermaid Man movie with us?

SpongeRobert, yoo-hoo.

Are you coming?

We're going to drink some more coffee

and watch the nightly news.

Wow, that sounds pretty grown up, SpongeRobert.

My pants say yes, yes, yes,

but my heart says no.

I wanna see the Mermaid Man movie.

[laughs] Now you really sound like

one of those nitwits that frequents the Krusty Krab.

Not only am I one of those nitwits,

I actually work there!

[angelic chorus]

Ugh! A peasant in long pants.

Social-climbing sponge.

Poser!

Let's leave this bottom-feeder.

Attaboy!

I got you a ticket just in case.

[gasps] Really?

[exciting music]

I'm sorry, you can't come in.

This movie is too silly

for a cultivated gentleman of your pant length.

House rules.

What?

"Rated for those in knee-highs only"?

Oh, I hate these pants!

[grunting]

[grunts]

Get off!

[horn blaring, tires screeching]

Aah! Oh!

[crashes]

Ah, now I know I'm an adult,

because I've been ripped off by these defective pants.

[sobbing]

What's going on?

How pathetic.

A man in long pants crying.

[sighing, sniffling]

Mr. Krabs, why aren't you watching the movie?

How can I watch the movie

with all this blubbering going on out here?

Oh, Mr. Krabs, I'm not ready for long pants.

I want my short pants back,

but I can't because these are stuck on me.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Sorry about the legs, boy.

[laughs] It's okay.

I'm a sponge, remember?

[laughs] Well, good!

Then I want you back on the grill tomorrow morning.

And if it makes you feel any more manly,

you can do your grilling outdoors.

Sounds great!

And I'll be driving to work.

Wait a minute!

Oh, no, you don't.

Not with those short pants.

[grunting]

I don't know what that was all about,

but I'm glad it's over.

[lively tropical music]

♪

[crowd cheering]

What you see before you

is the culmination of my lifelong dream.

A place of my own where I can work out

every day, any time I want.

Larry's Gym!

[all cheering]

[cheering continues]

- [scissors slice] - Ow!

Looking out at this sea

of flaccid muscles and sagging flesh,

frankly, I'm disgusted.

all: Aww.

Therefore, I'm opening the gym

to everyone in Bikini Bottom.

all: Yeah! Whoo-hoo!

For the price of a lifetime membership.

all: Aww.

But today, everything is free!

all: Yeah!

Shape us and mold us in your image.

[all cheering]

You're the lobster, Larry.

The alpha lobster.

Well, I don't know if I'd say that.

Oh, I filled out a membership form.

Ooh.

Me too.

What's in that pink box?

Uh, doughnuts, sir.

"Dough nut" bring those in here!

In the meantime, enjoy yourself

because your first visit is free.

Is it true that everything is free?

That's right, sir.

For your first visit, we--

Hello?

In conclusion, I'm at your service

to turn anyone, anyone, into a rippling heap of muscle glory!

[grunting]

Boy, I've got my work cut out for me.

The doors are automatic.

Just step on the mat.

Oh!

[grunting]

[growls] Here.

Ah, thanks, Larry.

Ugh.

[grunting]

Uh, what are you doing?

You said everything was free.

[laughs] No, no.

Your first visit is free.

So what you're saying is, if I never leave,

it'll be free forever!

[both laughing]

Time to go live the dream.

Right after I file this paperwork.

I didn't think there'd be so much of it.

Excuse me, Larry, I was just working out

and I was wondering, is this normal?

Aah!

Even your cramps have cramps.

You need to follow my number one rule:

always be hydrating.

Fine.

[gulping]

Gee, Larry, you think I'll ever be as strong as you?

Sure! What kind of a gym owner would I be

if I couldn't take a puny, squishy, lump like you?

[laughs] Squishy.

What I'm saying is, I can make you a man.

Hooray!

I'm gonna make you my personal project.

Of course, you'll have to sign up for a lifetime membership.

I'm ready!

[grunting and groaning]

That reminds me, you need to start hydrating right now.

[panting]

Yes, sir.

And remember, always be hydrating!

Okay, I will.

That's what I like to see.

Come on, we'll finish those later.

Good, 'cause I was really crashing there,

signing those papers.

"Feeling the burn," is that what you call it?

I heard angels singing.

Beautiful angels. That's normal, right?

It's Larry! King of the gym!

[all cheering]

Oh, you guys.

I'm just an ordinary alpha lobster doing his job.

Towel boy!

Polish this crown for me, will you?

Hey, join us, boy.

Oh, I can't believe I'm allowed to lift these

really heavy pieces of metal for free.

[grunting] Oh.

[gulps]

Free.

I don't know, Larry.

I'm not good at lifting things.

Aah! Aah! Ow!

Ooh! [groans]

Aah!

[grunting]

Ow!

Let me see.

I may have something that'll work for you.

Here we go.

Cotton swabs, cotton balls.

Here, try this on for size, Hercules.

[grunting, groaning]

Aah!

How am I doing?

Pathetic.

Look, Larry, I'm hydrating.

Oh, I am hydrating so much.

Yeah, I've got another idea, SpongeBob.

Come with me.

First thing tomorrow morning,

this is gonna be where I lead my exercise class.

- I'll be there. - That's the spirit.

And we're going to get you started early.

Let me see some crunches.

[crunching loudly]

The only thing I want to see in your mouth

is that water bottle.

Now, what did I tell you?

Always be hydrating!

Now I'll show you some crunches.

[grunting]

Oh, I can do that.

That's what I do when I laugh.

[laughing]

Only now I'll do it on my back.

[laughing]

Could you do it without the laugh?

I won't lie to you, Larry.

Probably not. [laughs]

Whatever works, I guess.

Keep up with that and most importantly--

Always be hydrating.

[laughing]

[sighs] Okay.

I have a lot of paperwork to catch up on.

Free towels, free towels!

Free towels, free towels! Free!

Do you have to do that in front of me?

Yes. Yes, I do,

because I sincerely want to thank you

for a truly life-changing experience.

Sucker! [laughs]

[groans]

Nice potbelly!

Potbelly?

[SpongeBob laughing]

Oh, I forgot all about my protégé.

[SpongeBob laughs]

[gasps]

Oh, my Neptune!

- Again with this! - I have had it.

- Come on, already. - What's taking so long?

[items crashing]

Aah. Oh.

Oh.

Aww, that's gonna come out of my paycheck.

[grunts]

My legs!

I'm okay.

[oven timer dings] Slightly less okay.

SpongeBob!

Yeah?

What are you--whoa, you've been working out.

Yeah, I hope you got some glue for me

because I am ripped!

[grunting]

[grunts]

Oh, I'm late for the gym.

Can you cover for me in the kitchen, Squidward?

Yes. Anything, you meathead.

Just go before you destroy the place.

[items crashing]

- Larry? - Ugh.

Gee, Larry, you've really let yourself go.

With all this paperwork,

I haven't had any time to do my crunches.

The only thing I've been crunching is numbers.

But I'm gonna get back in shape. You'll see.

Yeah, Larry, sure you will.

SpongeBob, tell me the truth.

Do I have a potbelly?

I--no, Larry, don't be silly.

You don't have a potbelly.

Ugh.

See you in exercise class, I guess.

[sobbing]

Oh, boy! Free soup!

[slurps] Little heavy on the salt.

[all muttering]

Oh, he'll be here. Don't worry.

Larry made me the man I am today.

- Oh, look at that. - Oh, wow.

He taught me just do stuff you always do

but do it on your back.

Laugh on your back.

[laughing]

[all laughing]

Walk on your back.

[all grunting]

And don't forget, always be hydrating.

That means drink plenty of water.

all: Ah.

I hope Larry's okay.

While we're waiting,

I guess we can ride bicycles on our backs.

[all grunting and groaning]

Hmm. [moaning]

Hey, Larry, thanks for all the free steam.

[laughs] Sucker.

[sighs]

[groaning]

Oh, what's the use?

[breathing heavily]

Ah, who am I kidding?

You wanted to see me, sir?

Yeah, look, uh, you're obviously

the alpha male at the gym now,

and I'm just a shell of my former self.

I hear ya, Larry.

I just want to get back to the Krusty--

I need you to take over.

You're a natural leader, SpongeBob.

You should be in charge of the fun stuff

while I sit here in the reception area

slowly getting fatter and paler until I die.

It sounds great.

[crying]

Oh, Larry, look at me.

I'm too big to work the grill anymore.

That makes me sad.

Come over here and give me a bro hug.

You mean a "brug"?

I don't wanna call it that.

Here's to our new lives.

Our terrible, terrible, new lives.

[both crying]

Oh, whoa, what happened?

Dude, you were just over hydrated.

Those weren't real muscles.

They were water muscles.

Larry, your "brug" was so super strong,

it took the water muscles right out of me.

Don't say "brug."

[laughs] Brug.

[both laughing]

SpongeBob, laughing on my back was just what I needed.

You're a pretty good instructor after all.

Oh, boy, the way you laugh really gets on my nerves.

[laughing]

The very next evening...

[humming]

Well, that was the last customer, SpongeBob.

Oh, what a great day.

And you know why it was a great day?

Because Krabs never even showed up.

Huh? [sniffing]

What is that smell?

Mr. Krabs, how long have you been in there?

I think I'm done.

Would you mind rubbing a little butter on me?

[mellow tropical music]

♪