Original subtitles

- ARE YOU READY, KIDS?

All: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

- I CAN'’T HEAR YOU!

All: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN!

- ♪ OHH...

♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? ♪

All: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

- ♪ ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE ♪

all: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

- ♪ IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH ♪

all: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

- ♪ THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH ♪

all: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS! - READY?

All: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

- SPONGEBOB

SQUAREPANTS!

[laughing]

♪

[waves crashing]

- [sighs] MY, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY

IT IS OUTSIDE.

TOO BAD I'’M COOPED UP HERE INSIDE THE KRUSTY KRAB.

- WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO, SQUIDWARD?

- JUST LIKE I ALWAYS SEEM TO BE ON A NICE, SUNNY DAY.

- AW, LOOK AT IT THIS WAY, SQUIDWARD.

THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE. - WORSE? HOW?

- WELL, UH...

- [sneezes]

- YOU COULD BE SICK. - SICK?

IS THAT REALLY ANY WORSE?

- [gasps] BEING SICK IS AWFUL!

THE ACHES, THE RUNNY NOSE, AND THE FEVER ARE BAD ENOUGH.

BUT THAT'’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART.

- OH, REALLY? - NO!

THE WORST PART IS MISSING A GLORIOUS SHIFT

HERE AT THE KRUSTY KRAB.

[echoing] KRUSTY KRAB, KRUSTY KRAB, KRUSTY KRAB.

SQUIDWARD? SQUIDWARD?

SQUIDWARD! - WHAT?

OH, SPONGEBOB, I'’M SUDDENLY NOT FEELING VERY WELL.

[forced coughs]

- WHAT'’S THE MATTER? - WELL, UH, LET'’S SEE.

UH, I'’VE GOT A SCRATCHY THROAT, UM...

UH... DRY MOUTH,

AND, UM...

MY EYES ARE ITCHY.

- SQUIDWARD, WHAT COULD IT BE? - I'’M NOT SURE.

BUT I FEAR I MIGHT BE COMING DOWN

WITH A DREADED ILLNESS.

- AAH! WHAT IS THE NAME OF THIS HORRIBLE ILLNESS?

- NAME? OH, UM, UH, SWEE... SWER...

SQUEER... SQUID'’S DISEASE.

- WHAT? - SQUID'’S DISEASE.

- WHAT? - SQUID'’S DISEASE!

- [gasps] SQUIDWARD.

I THINK THE DISEASE IS AFFECTING YOUR TEMPER.

- SPONGEBOB?

SPONGEBOB! WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK THERE?

- I HATE TO BE THE BEARER OF BAD NEWS, SQUIDWARD,

BUT I THINK THE BEST THING FOR SOMEBODY IN YOUR CONDITION

WOULD PROBABLY BE TO... [gulps]

GO HOME AND NOT COME BACK UNTIL YOU'’RE FULLY RECOVERED.

- WELL, SPONGEBOB, I THINK YOU'’RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

- [sniffs] I'’M SO SORRY, SQUIDWARD.

- WELL, I... I BETTER GO BREAK THE NEWS TO MR. KRABS.

[coughs]

- YOU'’RE SICK?

- [coughs] - HMM.

WELL, YOU DON'’T LOOK ANY SICKER THAN YOU USUALLY DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I BETTER GIVE YOU THE OLD NAVY ONCE-OVER

JUST TO BE SURE.

- THE WHAT? - NOW OPEN WIDE!

- WAHHH.

- TONGUE LOOKS FINE.

EYES, CHECK.

[hollow sounds]

- OW! - FOREHEAD FEELS NORMAL.

NOW LET'’S SEE THOSE KNEECAPS.

REFLEXES A LITTLE SLOW, BUT I'’D EXPECT THAT FROM YOU.

- WONDERFUL.

- WELL, MR. SQUIDWARD, IN MY EXPERT OPINION,

YOU LOOK FIT AS A FIDDLE.

- BUT MR. KRABS! - MR. KRABS NOTHING!

- BUT I... - MR. KRABS NOTHING!

- BUT-BUT... - MR. KRABS NOTHING!

JUST GO AHEAD. I'’M GONNA KEEP SAYING IT.

- AND WHAT ABOUT THE CUSTOMERS?

YOU DON'’T WANT THEM TO GET SICK, DO YOU?

- NO.

AND I DON'’T WANT THEM TO GET HUNGRY EITHER.

SO STEP TO IT, MR. SQUIDWARD!

OH, YEAH, AND GET WELL SOON. [chuckling]

- [sighs]

[crowd chattering] - I'’M STARVING.

- SPONGEBOB, WOULD YOU BRING THAT ORDER

OUT TO TABLE THREE, PLEASE?

- RIGHT AWAY, SQUIDWARD.

- SPONGEBOB.

TURN AROUND, PLEASE.

- YES? [inhales, exhales]

- AND JUST WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?

- THIS? OH, IT'’S A NUMBER TWO.

KRABBY PATTY WITH CHEESE, MEDIUM DRINK, REGULAR...

- NOT THAT, NOT THAT.

THE THING ON YOUR FACE.

- OH, THIS. - YES.

- OH, THIS IS JUST A PRECAUTIONARY MEASURE

SHOULD ANYONE IN THE WORKPLACE HAPPEN TO FALL ILL...

WHICH, IN THIS CASE, YOU HAVE...

THEN I WEAR IT TO PROTECT MY BODY

FROM THE SPREAD OF GERMS AND BACTERIAS.

AAH!

- HHHHI, SPOOOONGEBAHHHB!

- HELLO, SQUIDWARD.

- COULD I SEE THAT? - UM, ACTUALLY, NO.

- I FIND THIS ALL SO VERY INTERE-EH-EH-EH...

AH-CHOO! ...RESTING.

- WAHHHH!

MR. KRABS!

- NEPTUNE'’S KNEE-HIGHS, LAD!

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO REMIND YOU TO KNOCK?

- MR. KRABS!

- THAT'’S BETTER. NOW WHAT CAN I DO YOU FOR?

- IT'’S SQUIDWARD, HE'’S SICK.

- THAT'’S FUNNY.

YOU'’RE THE SECOND PERSON TODAY WHO'’S TOLD ME THAT.

- WHO WAS THE FIRST? - SQUIDWARD.

BUT I CHECKED OUT THAT SLIMY GREEN CASHIER PERSONALLY.

AND IF HE'’S SICK, THEN I'’M THE NEXT MAYOR

OF MARMALADE MOUNTAIN.

DOESN'’T SOUND LIKE SUCH A BAD GIG ACTUALLY.

- BUT, MR. KRABS, YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME.

SQUIDWARD'’S GOT A HORRIBLE DISEASE

CALLED SQUID'’S DISEASE.

SCRATCHY THROAT, ITCHY EYES, DRY MOUTH, AND FEVER...

AND BOILS AND... AND MISSED WORK DAYS...

AND, AH, DAH!

- KRABBY PATTY, PLEASE. - MR. SQUIDWARD?

GOT A MINUTE? - OH, OF COURSE.

IT'’S NOT LIKE I'’M BUSY WORKING OR ANYTHING.

- WE GOT A SITUATION WITH THE KID.

SOMETHING'’S GOT HIM SPOOKED.

- [squeaking]

- HE CAN'’T COOK IN THIS CONDITION.

NO COOKING, NO PATTIES.

NO PATTIES, NO MONEY.

- AND YOU'’RE TELLING ME THIS WHY?

- I NEED YOU TO MAKE YOURSELF SCARCE FOR A WHILE.

- SO YOU'’RE TELLING ME TO GO HOME?

- WELL, I DON'’T CARE WHERE YOU GO

JUST AS LONG AS YOU GET OUTTA HERE!

- YIPPEE!

[excited cackling]

THANKS, MR. KRABS!

DOH, I MEAN... [coughs]

[excited yipping]

- POOR SQUIDWARD.

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT KRABBY PATTIES IS...

MY FAVORITE THING ABOUT KRABBY PATTIES IS...

THAT'’S FUNNY. MY EYES FEEL ITCHY.

[coughs]

[coughs]

AND MY THROAT FEELS SCRATCHY TOO.

[laughs]

[gasps] ITCHY EYES... SCRATCHY THROAT.

[raspy] EVEN MY MOUTH FEELS DRY.

I'’VE CONTRACTED SQUID'’S DISEASE!

AAH!

- SPONGEBOB, EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT IN HERE?

- EVERYTHING'’S FINE, CAPTAIN.

JUST A LITTLE, UH, HOWL FOR PLEASURE.

- WELL, HOW ABOUT A LITTLE LESS PLEASURE

AND A LITTLE MORE WORK?

- IF MR. KRABS FINDS OUT I HAVE THE SQUID'’S DISEASE,

HE'’LL-HE'’LL SEND ME HOME, JUST LIKE SQUIDWARD.

WAIT A SECOND, THAT'’S IT!

WHY GO HOME WHEN I HAVE

GRANDMA'’S DOWN-HOME FOLK REMEDIES RIGHT HERE?

GRANDMA ALWAYS SAID,

"IF YOU MIGHT BE COMING DOWN WITH AN ILLNESS,

JUST STICK YOUR FEET IN HOT WATER."

OR WAS IT COLD WATER?

SOMETHING TELLS ME IT WASN'’T THAT EITHER.

OF COURSE!

IT WASN'’T HOT WATER ORCOLD WATER.

IT WAS BOILING OIL!

UH-HUH, I CAN DEFINITELY FEEL THE MEDICINAL QUALITIES.

OH, NO!

- SPONGEBOB!

YOU SURE EVERYTHING'’S ALL RIGHT?

- YES, EVERYTHING'’S FINE IN HERE.

JUST DANDY.

I BETTER CONCEAL THESE UNSIGHTLY BLEMISHES,

OR MR. KRABS WILL GET SUSPICIOUS.

THIS SUPER-HOT, SPICY YELLOW MUSTARD

WILL DO THE TRICK.

NO, ACTUALLY THAT BURNS REAL BAD.

[gasping] STAY CALM.

JUST NEED TO COOL IT OFF. CUCUMBER!

YEAH, CUCUMBER WILL COOL IT OFF.

I JUST NEED TO FIND SOME... CUCUM... PICKLES!

PICKLES ARE LIKE CUCUMBERS.

SWEET RELIEF, HERE I COME.

AHH.

AAHHH OW!

SWEET VINEGAR, IT BURNS!

IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

[yelling]

WHOA! OW, OW!

- DO YOU GUYS HEAR WHAT'’S GOING ON BACK THERE?

- YES, AND I'’M VERY PUZZLED. - SO AM I.

IN FACT, I MIGHT EVEN BE A LITTLE CONCERNED.

- WELL, I DON'’T KNOW IF I'’D GO THAT FAR.

WHOA! [pained breathing]

[groaning]

SORRY, I THINK I MIGHT BE COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING.

- COMING DOWN WITH SOMETHING?

- I REFUSE TO BE SERVED BY A SICK FRY COOK.

- ME TOO. LET'’S GET OUT OF HERE!

- GOOD IDEA. [all agreeing]

- [gasps] ME CUSTOMERS!

YOU LOOK TERRIBLE. - THANK YOU, MR. KRABS.

[coughs]

- WELL, I CAN'’T JUST STAND BY

WHILE ME RESTAURANT BECOMES A BREEDING GROUND FOR INFECTION.

SPONGEBOB, GO HOME. THAT'’S AN ORDER!

- BUT WHO'’S GOING TO RUN THE RESTAURANT?

- HEH! WHO'’S GONNA RUN IT?

I COULD RUN THIS PLACE BLINDFOLDED

WITH ONE CLAW TIED BEHIND ME BACK.

I'’LL SHOW YA!

- [sighs]

WHOEVER THOUGHT THAT HAVING AN ILLNESS

COULD FEEL SO GOOD?

- HI, SQUIDWARD.

- OH, NO! WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

- I... FELL ILL.

MR. KRABS WON'’T LET ME WORK AGAIN

UNTIL I'’M BETTER.

WELL, AT LEAST WE CAN SPEND THE DAY RECOVERING TOGETHER.

AFTER ALL, MISERY LOVES COMPANY.

RIGHT, SQUIDWARD? [coughs]

SQUIDWARD?

- WELL, SO MUCH FOR ENJOYING THE GREAT OUTDOORS.

BUT AT LEAST I CAN RELAX AND ENJOY...

[sighs] SOME AFTERNOON TEA.

- THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT IDEA, SQUIDWARD.

- AAH! SPONGEBOB!

WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT COMING INTO MY HOUSE?

- I FIGURE I CAN'’T MAKE YOU WELL, SQUIDWARD,

BUT I CAN AT LEAST MAKE YOU COMFORTABLE.

I BROUGHT HOT COMPRESSES, TISSUES...

THE GOOD KIND, WITH SNAIL BUTTER...

AND EVEN A ROMANTIC COMEDY FOR US TO WATCH.

I KNOW THEY'’RE SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY,

BUT THEY ALWAYS MAKE ME CRY.

[angry shouting]

- 25 KRABBY PATTIES!

ORDER UP! ORDER UP!

ORDER UP!

- [laughs]

- [laughs]

- HEY! I DIDN'’T ORDER A TABLE PATTY!

- YEAH! OR A WINDOW PATTY!

- OR A FACE PATTY! I WANT A REFUND!

All: REFUND! REFUND! REFUND!

REFUND! REFUND! REFUND!

- I LOVE YOU, TED. - DITTO.

[laughter]

- [sniffles]

[blows nose] WASN'’T THAT GREAT, SQUIDWARD?

- OH, YEAH, HOWDY.

IT'’S TOO BAD IT HAD TO END... FINALLY.

- OH, DON'’T WORRY.

WE HAVE ALL 99 SEQUELS TO WATCH NEXT.

- OH, HEY, WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT?

I'’M SUDDENLY FEELING MUCH, MUCH BETTER.

I THINK I'’LL GO BACK TO WORK NOW, BYE.

- SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD, WAIT!

SQUIDWARD!

YOU'’RE NOT WELL ENOUGH TO RETURN TO WORK!

I CAN'’T LET YOU!

- PLEASE, JUST STOP!

STOP FOLLOWING ME!

- SQUIDWARD! SQUIDWARD!

SQUIDWARD!

Both: MR. KRABS?

- I TOLD YOU I COULD RUN THIS PLACE ALL BY MESELF,

BLINDFOLDED WITH ONE CLAW TIED BEHIND ME BACK.

- BUT MR. KRABS, WHAT ARE YOU DOING

LYING HERE ON THE FLOOR?

- WELL, SPONGEBOB, FUNNY YOU SHOULD ASK,

BECAUSE IN ME EXPERT MEDICAL OPINION,

I THINK I MAY BE COMING DOWN

WITH A NASTY CASE OF SQUID'’S DISEASE.

- SQUID'’S DISEASE?

I KNOW JUST THE CURE.

- ROMANTIC COMEDY?

NO!

AAH!

GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME! AAH!

[foghorn blows]

- [sighs] LET THE MADNESS BEGIN.

- IT'’S...

DRIVING TEST DAY!

- SPONGEBOB!

THANKS.

- DON'’T WISH ME LUCK, SQUIDWARD. I DON'’T NEED IT.

WHAT DO YOU SAY, MRS. PUFF?

LET'’S GET THIS PARTY STARTED.

[tires squealing]

I'’M SORRY, MRS. PUFF. I KNOW WHAT I DID WRONG.

DON'’T WORRY, MRS. PUFF. I GOT IT THIS TIME.

- NO, SPONGEBOB, NOT AGAIN.

OH! OH, NO! WE'’RE AIRBORNE!

- YEAH, IT'’S A GOOD THING TOO.

ONE MORE CRASH AND YOU WOULD'’VE POPPED FOR SURE.

HERE, LET ME TAKE THAT WHEEL.

- NO, SPONGEBOB! DON'’T TOUCH THAT!

OH, DEAR!

- HEY, MRS. PUFF. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

- OH, MY. WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?

- I'’M AFRAID YOU'’VE HAD A SERIOUS ACCIDENT.

IT SEEMS THAT WHEN YOU CRASHED,

YOU RUPTURED YOUR INFLATION SAC.

- OH, NO.

WILL I EVER BE MY OLD SELF AGAIN?

- UM, NO, MY DEAR.

I'’M AFRAID YOU'’LL NEVER PUFF AGAIN.

- [gasps]

- HMM, FROM NOW ON,

I GUESS WE'’LL HAVE TO CALL YOU MRS. POP.

[laughs]

- [growls]

- [laughing]

- AAH!

- MRS. PUFF, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

- I'’M SORRY! STOP, MRS. PUFF!

[laughing] IT TICKLES!

- WHY CAN'’T YOU JUST GRADUATE OUT OF MY LIFE?

OOH!

OHH...

- THERE. THAT SHOULD HELP HER RELAX.

- SHEESH! I DON'’T KNOW WHAT SHE'’S SO UPSET ABOUT.

I THINK SHE LOOKS BETTER THIS WAY.

AS I ALWAYS SAY... DUH...

- YES, EVERYONE NEEDS TO RELAX.

- HELLO, MRS. PUFF. ARE WE FEELING ANY BETTER?

- [growls]

- I SEE YOU GOT THE FLOWERS I SENT.

- YES, I'’M ALLERGIC TO THEM... AND YOU.

- OH, THIS ROOM IS SO DARK AND DEPRESSING.

YOU NEED SUNLIGHT.

- [gasps]

[sneezes]

OUCH.

- COME ON, MRS. PUFF.

YOU NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS STUFFY OLD ROOM.

- I'’M NOT LEAVING THIS BED.

AAH! - UP AND AT '’EM!

YOU KNOW WHAT'’LL MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, MRS. PUFF?

A NICE, PEACEFUL STROLL.

[whistles]

[alarm wails]

- CLEAR THE WAY! INJURED COMING THROUGH!

- EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR! WHAT'’S UP WITH THOSE GUYS?

- OH, IT'’S NOTHING SERIOUS, JUST THE CASUALTIES

FROM THIS WEEK'’S DEMOLITION DERBY.

COME AND CHECK OUT THE CARNAGE.

IT'’S ACTUALLY QUITE ENTERTAINING.

- [gasps]

[grunts]

AAH!

[all scream]

[loud clatter]

- PRETTY GRUESOME, HUH?

YOU GOTTA HAND IT TO THOSE GUYS,

RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR OUR AMUSEMENT.

- "RISKING THEIR LIVES FOR OUR AMUSEMENT"?

I COULD FINALLY BE RID OF SPONGEBOB!

FOREVER! [laughs]

AND I MEAN THAT IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY!

[evil laughter]

- WHAT'’S SO FUNNY?

- I'’VE JUST THOUGHT OF A WAY

THAT YOU CAN EARN SOME EXTRA CREDIT.

- HOORAY!

- YES, HOORAY INDEED.

[laughter]

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, CAPTAIN LUTEFISK,

WILL YOU ENTER HIM IN THE DERBY, FOR OLD TIMES'’ SAKE?

- WELL, PUFF, OLD GIRL,

I WOULDN'’T BE WHERE I AM TODAY WITHOUT YOUR DRIVING SCHOOL,

BUT I DON'’T KNOW. HE LOOKS KINDA SOFT.

- LOOKS CAN BE DECEIVING. OBSERVE.

HERE, SPONGEBOB, HOLD THIS.

[tires squealing]

[loud clatter]

- WHOA! THAT KID'’S A NATURAL!

BUT HE'’S GONNA NEED A SCARY IDENTITY.

DERBY'’S ALL ABOUT IMAGE.

[rapid snipping]

- LOOK OUT, EXTRA CREDIT. HERE I COME!

- [laughs] YES, "EXTRA CREDIT."

[evil laughter]

[crowd cheering]

- WELCOME TO THE BIKINI BOTTOM DEMOLITION DERBY!

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE OUR CONTESTANTS!

FIRST UP, BANE TO CROSSING GUARDS EVERYWHERE...

THE KRUNCHER!

[cheers and applause]

AND FROM THE DARKEST DEPTHS OF THE BRINY BLUE...

DIVING BELL DAN!

AND OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW AND ADMIRE...

BLOWTORCH!

AND THE FUNNIEST DRIVER OF ALL...

THE CACKLING CRUISER!

- [cackles]

NOW, WITH INTRODUCTIONS OUT OF THE WAY...

[engine idling]

OH, I ALMOST FORGOT! [laughs]

THE SQUISH!

- HEY, THAT SQUISH LOOKS PRETTY TOUGH.

MAYBE WE SHOULD GIVE UP NOW.

[laughter]

- [evil laughter]

- OKAY, DRIVERS, START YOUR ENGINES!

AND LET THE DESTRUCTION BEGIN!

[tires squealing]

[engine revving]

- I CAN'’T LOOK!

WAIT, YES, I CAN!

- AAH!

- WHAT THE HEY?

[crowd roars]

- WHAT? THIS IS NOT GOING WELL.

[sonar pinging] - HUH?

[tires squealing]

OH, DEAR, I THINK I'’M IN THAT FELLOW'’S WAY.

[sonar pinging]

ENGAGE TURN SIGNALS.

ADJUST MIRRORS.

[sonar pinging]

HANDS AT TEN AND TWO.

AND FINALLY, FLOOR IT!

[laughs]

- [groans] WHAT HAPPENED?

[tires screeching]

AAH!

- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS?

SQUASH THE SQUISH!

YES!

- [laughs, grunts]

AAH!

[tires squealing]

- OH HO! THE SQUISH TURNS IT AROUND

WITH A RARE "FACE TREAD" MANEUVER.

- [sobbing]

- MRS. PUFF, WHAT SHOULD I...

- WHY ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?

- "PUT IT IN DRIVE"?

THANKS, MRS. PUFF, YOU'’RE THE BEST.

[all screaming]

[crowd cringing]

- CURSE YOU, SPONGEBOB!

- WHAT'’S THAT, MRS. PUFF?

- [laughs]

I GOT YOU THIS TIME!

[tires screech, crash]

- THIS IS IT!

[crash] YES!

HUH?

[cheers and applause]

IF YOU WANT SOMEONE DEMOLISHED,

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO DEMOLISH THEM YOURSELF.

[engine revving]

NOT SO FAST! THERE'’S ONE MORE CHALLENGER!

I'’M... THE HUFF!

[tires squealing]

[crowd gasps]

YOU'’RE BLOCKING MY VIEW!

[all scream]

[evil laughter]

- AAH!

- [laughs]

[gasps]

- MRS. PUFF, IT'’S YOU!

AND YOU'’RE ALL PUFFY AGAIN!

NOW EVERYTHING'’S BACK TO NORMAL!

[rumbling]

- YES, PERFECTLY NORMAL.