Original subtitles

Painty the Pirate: ARE YOU READY, KIDS?

Kids: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

Kids: AYE, AYE, CAPTAIN.

OH...

♪ WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA? ♪

Kids: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

Painty: ♪ ABSORBENT AND YELLOW AND POROUS IS HE ♪

Kids: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

Painty: ♪ IF NAUTICAL NONSENSE BE SOMETHING YOU WISH ♪

Kids: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

Painty: ♪ THEN DROP ON THE DECK AND FLOP LIKE A FISH ♪

Kids: SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

Painty: READY?

All: ♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ♪

♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS ♪

Painty: ♪ SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS. ♪

[LAUGHING]

[♪...]

Squidward: IT'S TOO QUIET.

SOMETHING ISN'T RIGHT AROUND HERE.

COULD IT BE?

SPONGEBOB IS GONE FOR THE EVENING.

HERE'S TO A DELIGHTFUL EVENING ALONE WITH YOU, PUBLIC TELEVISION.

[INSTRUMENTS TUNING UP]

[PIERCING LAUGHTER]

[GROANING]

Patrick: DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN.

Spongebob: O.K.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

WILL YOU TWO BE QUIET?

I'M TRYING TO WATCH PUBLIC TELEVISION.

[LAUGHING] DO IT AGAIN, DO IT AGAIN.

IF THOSE TWO WANT TO RUIN MY QUIET EVENING AT HOME, THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO DO BETTER THAN THAT.

[♪...]

[KNOCKING]

[GROANING]

WHAT?

SQUIDWARD!

[SIGHING]

YOU'RE STILL THERE, AREN'T YOU?

GOOD EVENING, SQUIDWARD.

NOT SO FAST.

YOU TWO LITTLE MONSTERS AREN'T ABOUT TO RUIN MY EVENING.

OH, WE'RE NOT HERE TO RUIN IT.

WE'RE HERE TO ENHANCE IT.

ISN'T THAT RIGHT, PAT?

YEAH, WE'RE HERE...

CAN'T A HARD-WORKING SQUID GET A LITTLE TV TIME ALONE?

[SIGHING]

SPONGEBOB?

PATRICK?

OH, WHAT'S THE POINT.

[♪...]

COULD YOU TURN IT UP?

UH, SQUIDWARD?

COULD YOU TURN IT DOWN A LITTLE?

SQUIDWARD, WHAT'S THIS ABOUT?

SQUIDWARD, HOW COME HE'S SO EMOTIONAL?

IS HE THE BAD GUY?

[GROANING...]

SQUIDWARD?

SQUIDWARD?

SQUIDWARD?

SQUIDWARD?

[SCREAMING]

THAT'S IT.

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH SOME SMOOTH JAZZ ON PUBLIC TELEVISION.

BUT APPARENTLY, THAT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

ONCE AGAIN, I'M GOING TO HAVE TO LEAVE MY OWN HOME JUST TO GET SOME PEACE AND QUIET.

[GRUNTING] ENJOY MY TV.

PFAH.

OH, WAIT, I THINK I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.

THIS PART'S FUNNY.

Squidward: I'M GONNA GO SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY.

SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY FROM THOSE TWO.

WATCHING PUBLIC TELEVISION ON MY TV.

PFAH.

THEY WOULDN'T KNOW REAL CULTURE EVEN IF IT HIT THEM LIKE A TRUCK FULL OF CEMENT.

[GROANING]

UGH.

[GURGLING]

[SCREAMING...]

[GURGLING]

[SCREAMING]

DAY FIVE, I THINK.

I'VE BEEN WADDLING THESE FIELDS.

I'M HUNGRY, TIRED, AND LOST.

THE ONLY GOOD THING ABOUT THIS IS, NO SPONGEBOB.

JELLYFISH FIELDS.

MM...

[LAUGHING]

WHAT IS THAT THING, PATRICK?

I DON'T KNOW.

LET'S GET A CLOSER LOOK.

[GRUNTING]

HI, STRANGER.

I AM SPONGEBOB.

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING...]

WAIT A MINUTE.

MAYBE HE'S NOT A MONSTER.

MAYBE HE'S AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

[GRUNTING]

WE SHOULD HELP HIM.

[LAUGHING] YEAH, HELP HIM.

GO AWAY.

CAN'T YOU TELL NOBODY WANTS YOU?

YOU'RE ENDANGERED.

NOT LIKE THAT.

WITH LOTS OF LOVE AND AFFECTION, WE CAN TAKE CARE OF HIM.

[GROANING]

SpongeBob: WELL, SMELLY, HERE YOU ARE.

YOUR NEW HOME.

OH, SMELLY, THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

WE'LL BE ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY.

LET ME SHOW YOU AROUND.

HERE'S YOUR BED, SMELLY.

[GROANING]

HERE'S YOUR FOOD BOWL.

AND SOME KIBBLE.

YOU CAN LIVE HERE FOREVER AND EVER.

[SOBBING]

OH, LOOK, PAT.

HE'S CRYING TEARS OF JOY.

WELL, SMELLY, THERE'S ONE MORE FAMILY MEMBER YOU HAVEN'T MET.

SMELLY, MEET GARY.

OH, LOOK AT THAT, SMELLY.

GARY LIKES YOU.

[MEOWING...]

GARY, NO.

[MEOWING]

GARY.

I DON'T THINK GARY LIKES SMELLY.

YEAH, GARY'S NEVER ATTACKED ANYONE LIKE THAT, EXCEPT SQUIDWARD.

I GUESS SMELLY CAN'T LIVE HERE.

AH, HE CAN COME LIVE WITH ME.

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA, PATRICK.

YOU'VE ALWAYS WANTED A PET.

[GROANING]

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS TO GET TO YOUR HOUSE.

SpongeBob: BYE, SMELLY.

HAVE FUN AT PATRICK'S.

[GROANING]

NO, NO, SMELLY.

SQUIDWARD DOESN'T LIKE PETS.

HEY, SMELLY, WANNA PLAY CATCH?

[GROANING]

DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET THE HANG OF IT.

[GROANING]

ALMOST.

AGAIN.

[GROANING]

SO CLOSE.

YEAH, NOW YOU'RE... [GROANING].

[SCREAMING]

SMELLY!

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

HELLO, ANIMAL CONTROL.

THERE'S A WILD ANIMAL LOOSE IN MY HOUSE.

[VOICE ON PHONE]

SURE, I'LL HOLD.

[♪...]

[GROANING]

SMELLY, COME BACK!

SMELLY!

Man: FREEZE.

OH, WHAT'S ALL THE COMMOTION.

[SIRENS WAILING]

Man: YOU ARE SURROUNDED.

THERE IS NO WAY OUT.

SMELLY.

SpongeBob: EXCUSE ME.

PARDON ME.

IF I CAN JUST SCOOCH THROUGH THERE.

EXCUSE ME.

PARDON ME.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU LEAVE SMELLY ALONE.

HE'S JUST A POOR, DUMB, WILD ANIMAL.

WILD ANIMALS DON'T BELONG HERE, SON.

THEY BELONG IN THE ZOO.

GET HIM, BOYS.

[GRUNTING]

[GROWLING]

[SCREAMING]

SMELLY!

MOMMY, WHAT IS THAT THING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT IT'S HIDEOUS, ISN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

THIS ISN'T GOOD.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

IT NEEDS MUSTARD.

NO ONE SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE THAT.

NOT EVEN SOMEONE AS UGLY AS SMELLY.

SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE ABOUT THIS, AND I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT THAT THING IS.

[WHISPERING]

O.K., PATRICK.

REMEMBER THE PLAN?

UH, YEAH.

THIS ONE, RIGHT?

NO, NOT THAT.

I'M TALKING ABOUT THE PLAN TO BREAK SMELLY OUT OF THIS ANIMAL PRISON.

MM, GOOD PLAN.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO DOWN FIRST.

KEEP A LOOKOUT AND FOLLOW ME.

YOU'RE MY HERO.

[MOANING]

HEY, SPONGEBOB.

HELP!

[SCREAMING]

SHH, WE'LL GET CAUGHT.

[SCREAMING]

WHAT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

I'M SCREAMING TOO LOUD.

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

FEAR NO LONGER, DEAR SMELLY.

WE ARE HERE TO RESCUE YOU.

UNDERSTAND?

WE ARE TAKING YOU HOME.

[GROANING]

LOOK HOW EXCITED HE IS.

FLIP THE SWITCH, PATRICK.

SMELLY, YOU'RE FREE.

YOU'RE SURROUNDED.

THERE'S NO USE TRYING TO RUN.

RUN, PATRICK, RUN!

[SIRENS WAILING]

[ALL MUTTERING]

FASTER, PATRICK.

[ALL MUTTERING]

I'LL LET SMELLY GO FIRST.

[GRUNTING]

DON'T WORRY, SMELLY.

YOU'RE SAFE WITH US.

THINK WE LOST 'EM.

WELL, WE'RE ALL ONE BIG HAPPY FAMILY AGAIN.

LET'S SEE WHERE THIS DARK SEWER TUNNEL LEADS.

TRA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA, LA-LA-LA-LA-LA-LA.

[GROANING]

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SMELLY.

SOON WE'LL BE HOME, AND YOU CAN SLEEP IN THAT COZY LITTLE PET CARRIER YOU LOVE SO MUCH.

[SOBBING]

HEY, I SEE LIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT, PATRICK, THAT MUST BE THE WAY OUT.

WHOA, WHERE ARE WE?

LET'S GO ASK THOSE GUYS.

UM, EXCUSE US?

[GRUNTING]

HEY, THEY LOOK JUST LIKE YOU.

GO, BE WITH YOUR REAL FAMILY.

GO AHEAD, SMELLY.

[SCREAMING]

I KNOW YOU'VE COME TO THINK OF US AS A FAMILY, BUT IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.

[GRUNTING...]

I'M GONNA MISS HIM, SPONGEBOB.

ME TOO, BUDDY.

ME TOO.

BUT HE'S WITH HIS OWN KIND NOW, WHERE HE BELONGS.

AND ON THAT NOTE, LET US GO BACK TO WHERE WE BELONG.

[GRUNTING...]

[♪...]

AH, SALUTATIONS, MY CHILDREN.

ARE YOU READY FOR YOUR DAILY DOSE OF SMOOTH JAZZ?

[GRUNTING AND APPLAUSE]

[♪...]

[CRACKING]

[LAUGHING]

UM, HI.

[♪...]

COME ON, "STOVEY," POP THAT CORN.

GET READY, GARY.

[PANTING]

INCOMING!

[MEOWING]

POPCORN IS SERVED.

[♪...]

THAT BRO IS TROUBLE AT ANY CAR WASH.

Man: WE WILL RETURN TO BIKINI BOTTOM CAR WASH AFTER THESE MESSAGES.

ARE YOU BORING?

YES, YES I AM.

Man: WHEN FRIENDS DESCRIBE YOU, DO THEY USE WORDS LIKE "DULL," OR "DRAB?"

HA, HA, HA, DON'T FORGET "PLATITUDINOUS."

YES, THAT TOO, CHARLIE.

BUT WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULD CHANGE ALL THAT, WITH THE MAGIC OF... MAGIC.

[LAUGHING]

I LOOK LIKE SOME KIND OF MAGICIAN.

NOW PEOPLE WON'T IGNORE ME.

LET'S HOPE NOT, CHARLIE.

WITH MY MR. MAGIC MAGICAL MAGIC KIT,

EVEN YOU CAN IMPRESS AND AMAZE YOUR FRIENDS.

I WANT TO IMPRESS AND AMAZE MY FRIENDS.

Mr. Magic: JUST SEND $19.95 TO ME, MR. MAGIC.

[PANTING]

[GRUNTING...]

Man: FOUR TO SIX WEEKS LATER.

ONE MAGIC KIT, AND ANOTHER ONE OF THESE YELLOW THINGS.

HERE IT IS.

MR. MAGIC'S MAGICAL MAGIC KIT.

[GASPING]

LOOK AT ALL THIS.

A BOOK OF SPELLS, MY VERY OWN WAND OF WHIMSY...

THE BEARD OF RASPUTIN.

AND OF COURSE, THE ALL-IMPORTANT LICENSE TO PRACTICE MAGIC.

[SIGHING]

SQUIDWARD.

HE'LL APPRECIATE MY NEWLY-DELIVERED SKILL.

BRINE SODA, LOW-FAT SEAWEED CRISPS, COOL JAZZ...

MM-MM-MM, SQUIDWARD, YOU HAVE DONE IT.

YOU HAVE OFFICIALLY SPOILED YOURSELF ROTTEN.

Spongebob: WELL, LET THE ROTTING CONTINUE, FRIEND, WHILE I IMPRESS AND AMAZE YOU WITH... MAGIC.

MAGIC?

CAN YOU MAKE YOURSELF DISAPPEAR, SPONGEBOB?

[LAUGHING]

SILLY SQUIDWARD.

I WON'T LEARN VANISHING SPELLS UNTIL I BECOME A LEVEL 10 WIZARD.

NO, I'D BETTER START WITH SOMETHING SIMPLER.

SAY, CARD CONJURING.

HERE, HOLD THIS SIMPLE PLAYING CARD,

WHILE I TRANSFORM IT INTO A MAGIC PLAYING CARD BEFORE YOUR VERY EYES.

LET'S SEE.

[SIGHING]

STEP ONE.

[EXHALING]

THIS CAN'T POSSIBLY END SOON.

WHICH BRINGS US TO... STEP THREE.

JUGGLE SOMETHING.

WELL, IF YOU INSIST, MR. MAGIC.

I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU'RE GOING, JUST TAKE ME AWAY FROM HERE.

THEN, TAKE ONE CARD AND SHOVE IT IN YOUR EAR.

[CRYING]

BUT I DON'T LIKE PISTACHIO.

THEN WHY DID YOU ASK FOR IT?

[CRYING]

[GROANING]

AND FINALLY, JUST SAY THE WORDS "HOBRIS-POBRIS."

SQUIDWARD!

MY SIMPLE CARD TRICK HAS TURNED YOU INTO AN ICE CREAM CONE.

WHICH MEANS...

I AM A LEVEL 10 WIZARD!

I SUPPOSE I SHOULD CHANGE YOU BACK TO SQUID FORM.

PRESTO!

UH, LET'S SEE.

AH, A-HA.

A-LA-KAZAM!

[GASPING]

ABRACADABRA!

[GASPING]

OOGLY-DOOGLY.

HOBRA-COBRA.

[GASPING]

OPEN SESAME?

UH, CHANGE-OH BACK-OH TO SQUIDWARD-OH, PLEASE-OH.

OH, I AM SO SORRY, SQUIDWARD.

I'VE TRANSFORMED YOU INTO A DELICIOUS DAIRY DESSERT, AND I CAN'T CHANGE YOU BACK.

THERE, THERE, SQUIDWARD.

THERE IS NO NEED TO CRY.

I PROMISE YOU WILL CONTINUE YOUR NORMAL LIFE,

DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU ARE NOW EDIBLE.

[♪...]

[SCREAMING]

[SCREAMING]

SQUIDWARD, SPEAK TO ME.

SPEAK...

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING]

HEY, SQUID.

ARE YOU O.K.?

HEY, SQUID.

ARE YOU STILL O.K.?

[SCREAMING]

[LAUGHING]

HEY, SQUIDWARD.

I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU.

SOMEONE TO KEEP YOU COMPANY IN THAT DRAB OLD FREEZER.

OH, AREN'T THEY CUTE?

I PROMISE TO STAND BY AS AN ETERNAL GUARD OVER MY BUDDY.

HEY, SPONGEBOB.

WHAT YOU DOING?

I HAVE TURNED POOR SQUIDWARD INTO A FROZEN DESSERT.

THAT'S AWFUL.

HOW TRAGIC.

POOR SQUIDWARD.

IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

DID YOU SAY FROZEN DESSERT?

YEAH, I TURNED HIM INTO A TASTY SOFT SERVE WITH A WAFFLE CONE.

[SOBBING]

OOH, SOFT SERVE.

PATRICK!

STOP EATING SQUIDWARD!

OH.

SORRY.

PATRICK!

[SCREAMING]

BUT HE'S SO TASTY.

[SCREAMING]

LOOK, PATRICK, DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR ORDINARY ICE CREAM CONE.

IT'S PISTACHIO.

NO, IT'S SQUIDWARD.

AND NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, I PROMISED HIM THAT I WOULD WATCH OVER HIM,

TO ENSURE HIS SOFT FROZEN LIFE IS UNCHANGED.

[SCREAMING]

PATRICK!

SQUIDWARD HAS MELTED!

QUICK, CALL THE POLICE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

OH, NEPTUNE, IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[SCREAMING] WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[SCREAMING] WHAT HAVE I DONE?

[SCREAMING] IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT.

CURSE YOU, MR. MAGIC MAGICAL MAGIC KIT.

CURSE YOU!

HEY!

THAT'S IT.

THERE'S THE ANSWER TO OUR PROBLEMS.

"WARNING.

FROM AGES NINE TO 99."

NO, PATRICK.

THE ONE MYSTIC BEING THAT CAN HELP US.

MR. MAGIC.

JUST FOLLOW THE BROWN TILE ROAD TO THE MOST MYSTERIOUS MYSTIC OF 'EM ALL.

NO ONE'S EVER SEEN HIM IN PERSON.

Mr. Magic: ENTER.

[STAMMERING]

WHO DARES TO SEE MR. MAGIC?

[SCREAMING]

SPEAK UP.

IT IS I, SPONGEBOB OF THE SQUAREPANTS, MAGICIAN LEVEL ONE.

AND I HAVE CHANGED MY FRIEND INTO ICE CREAM.

GOOD JOB.

WELL, THANK YOU, BUT... WELL, I CAN'T CHANGE HIM BACK.

HMM, UM, WELL, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT OF A DIFFERENT HOBBY?

I NEED YOUR HELP TO CHANGE HIM BACK.

MY HELP?

UH, NO THANK YOU.

BUT IF YOU DON'T, MY FRIEND WILL BE A CONE FOREVER.

SORRY, I, UM, I'M, OUT TO LUNCH, THAT'S IT.

I'LL WAIT.

I'M ON A TWO-YEAR LUNCH.

OH, PLEASE.

Mr. Magic: SILENCE.

BUT SIR, NO ONE ELSE HAS YOUR POWER OF SORCERY.

THANK YOU.

HEY, SPONGEBOB, THERE'S A GUY OVER HERE TALKING INTO A TUBEY THING.

UM, IGNORE YOUR FRIEND.

THE FISH YOU SEE IS ONLY AN ILLUSION.

HUH?

WHY'S HE SAYING THE SAME THING MR. MAGIC'S SAYING?

I DON'T KNOW, PATRICK.

WHO ARE YOU, GOOD SIR?

WELL, UH, UH, I'M HORACE B. MAGIC.

ARE YOU MR. MAGIC?

[LAUGHING]

TECHNICALLY, YES.

BUT THE ONLY MAGIC AROUND HERE IS THE MAGIC OF BUSINESS.

DOES THAT MEAN YOU CAN'T CHANGE MY FRIEND BACK?

OH, I'M AFRAID NOT.

SO SORRY ABOUT THAT, LADDIE.

YOUR REFUND CHECK IS IN THE MAIL.

I DON'T NEED A REFUND.

I WANT MY FRIEND BACK.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT MONEY.

YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A FAKE.

JUST A LYING, CORPORATE BUSINESSMAN,

TAINTING THE PURITY OF MAGIC WITH YOUR CORRUPT, COMMERCIAL WAYS.

YOU HAVE RUINED MY FAITH IN THE MAGICAL ARTS.

[SOBBING]

SECURITY.

[SOBBING]

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ABOUT SQUIDWARD?

WE COULD ALWAYS EAT HIM.

I'M KIND OF HUNGRY.

MR. MAGIC WAS A FAKE.

AND ALL OF HIS MAGIC STUFF IS FAKE.

ALL THOSE MAGIC WORDS, THEY WERE FAKE.

YACKY, SCHMACKY, BAPPY, DAPPY

DOPPY, BOPPY, BLABBY, FLABBY... [INDISTINCT]...

...ZAPPIGA ZOWIE, BLIPPY BIPPY, BLAMMICA...

EEW.

[GLASS BREAKING]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, SPONGEBOB?

SQUIDWARD, YOU'RE BACK.

THE MAGIC WORDS WORKED.

I REALLY AM MAGIC AFTER ALL.

CAN I TURN YOU INTO SOMETHING ELSE NOW?

HEY, STOP.

GET ME OUT OF HERE.

[GRUMBLING]

HEY, SPONGEBOB?

I'M STILL HUNGRY.

WILL YOU TURN ME INTO A JAR OF MAYONNAISE SO I CAN EAT MYSELF?

[LAUGHING] SURE, BUDDY.

PATRICK-AH, MAYONNAISE-ICA.