Original subtitles

By the pricking of my thumbs,

Something wicked this way comes.

Sorry. Every crook for himself.

Help! Let me out.

Hey, Spidey!

Back in black, huh? I approve.

What? Hey, hey! Hey!

Presume not that I am the thing I was,

For I have turn'd away my former self,

It's happening again.

Stay calm, colonel.

-Slow, deep breaths. -Deep breaths?

That's all you got? Help him.

My boy's clothes are shrinking right off him.

Actually, he's getting bigger.

Not that that helps either.

-I got you, Johnny. -No, Pop, stay back.

No wonder this lab goes through funding so quickly.

It's okay. Attack's over.

And, hey, I taught that wall a thing or two.

Are you joking about this?

Too soon, huh?

This should help.

Why don't you try it on in my office, carefully.

What's happening to my son?

He was exposed to the alien life form on the hull of his space shuttle.

Colonel Jameson was infected by the Symb-- The life form?

Actually, he's infected with microscopic spores...

...that hitched a ride on the life form.

The way gum sticks to a shoe.

We've been tracking his condition for months.

Since entering the colonel's system...

...the spores have multiplied exponentially.

Dr. Connors thinks they may have originated on a high-mass...

-...high-gravity world, like Jupiter. -I don't care if they're from Jersey.

If those sporks aren't out of my son in 4.2 seconds, I'll--

It's just not that simple. My gene cleanser had no effect.

Neither did extreme heat or cold.

I've had limited success destroying individual spores with electricity...

-...but in the meantime-- -I get to wear the fancy suit.

I hear it's all the rage on Jupiter.

You look like a fool superhero!

The spores are chemically altering your mass...

...making you heavier, stronger.

This Jupiter suit will slow you down...

...regulate your heartbeat and help you function in Earth-normal gravity.

Plus the ladies love a man in uniform.

It's good to maintain your sense of humour.

Any personality changes might imply the spores...

...are chemically altering your mind, as well.

Hey, Sha Shan.

You didn't come to my party.

Why would I?

What...”?

You didn't understand.

See, I invited you as my date.

Don't you know who I am?

Only the best quarterback M-cubed has ever seen.

The reason the Mustangs won State.

The hero who threw the winning pass at cost of life and limb...

I know who you are, Flash. We're in Bio together.

I've never seen you throw a pass.

But I've seen you set off the sprinklers in the lab, twice.

Fine, walk away. You think you're all that.

I can date any girl I want in this crummy school.

Reputation, reputation, reputation!

O, I have lost my reputation!

I have lost the immortal part of myself, and what remains is bestial.

I have to get to the paper, but I'll drop you at home first.

You mind if I tag along?

I've got a paycheck waiting at the Bugle.

Sure, kid, get in. We can split the fare.

Sorry. Guess that's the sound of me kissing a normal life goodbye.

Been there, kissed that.

Maybe shutting a door on normal can open a window on--

What are you babbling about, Parker? He's infected!

It's not contagious. Eyes front.

I'm just saying, he's been given great power.

Maybe, great responsi--

What?

What?

What?

Spider-Man's back in black and on a crime spree.

-What? -I want everyone on it.

Victim stories, eyewitness accounts.

And a headline:

"Oh, What a Tangled Web We Weave!"

I've finally got what I need...

...to take the web-head down.

Hold the front page, Robbie. I'll call you back.

-You can take the web-head down. -Excuse me?

Look at you, boy. You got the costume. The powers.

All you need is a hokey name, Captain Mass.

No, that's too hokey. Strong-Man. That's too generic.

Sky Colonel... Colonel Jupiter! That's it!

But, Pop, you hate superheroes.

-When did I say that? -Every hour, on the hour?

I hate masked heroes. What are they hiding, anyway?

But you're an astronaut!

The world already knows and loves you. You love him, right?

Johnny boy, you can be the one to bring Spider-Man to justice.

-But what if Spidey's innocent? -Don't confuse the issue.

I can't believe someone's posing as me, framing me, again.

Please be Chameleon. Please be Chameleon. Please be...

Can you move? Can you unlock the door?

You again?

Not again. See, I'm the real--

Like looking in a mirror, bro.

The funhouse kind.

Why strew'st thou sugar on that bottled spider,

Whose deadly web ensnareth thee about?

Fool, fool!

The day will come to curse this venomous bunch-back'd toad.

O villain, villain, smiling curséd villain!

That one might smile, and smile,

and be a villain,

Go villain!

Yeah!

Bro, it's been too long.

Better call it in, get help.

Wait, I am help.

Come on, Jameson, you're not seriously thinking about...

...leaping tall buildings in a single bound?

Colonel Jupiter, away!

So I'm a little confused.

Do you wanna frame me or squash me?

You make it sound so complicated.

All we want is to destroy every single aspect of your life.

Is that so wrong?

Help me!

Over here!

Can I take a pain check? I have actual human beings to save.

No go, bro.

When we're done, the whole world will hate you.

Almost as much as we do.

Hi, I'm Colonel Jupiter. I saw the fire, thought I could help.

Thank you, young man.

-Glad I could help. -Help!

This way. Stay low. Come on.

That's it, one at a time. No ticket required.

Mom!

-Who are you? -Colonel Jupiter, ma'am.

Mom!

Happy to be of service.

-Is there anyone in here? -Get lost!

I'm afraid I can't do that, Mister...

-...Parrot. -Get lost! Get lost!

Get lost!

-You good? -Yeah.

-Enjoying the hero thing? -Oh, yeah.

You know, we should think about making this a regular thing.

Half as many Ock arms.

The Sinister Six divided into the Manageable Threes.

- I could get used to-- -There he is.

Spider-Man made me crash. The fire's his fault!

Then what, I stopped for a quick change of clothes? It wasn't me.

I'll help you explain it to the police.

And answer a few easy questions like, "What's my name"?

-No, thanks. -It'll be okay.

Don't fight me on this.

Sorry, gotta swing!

But let's do the team-up thing again sometime.

Petey, have you been smoking?

What? No, I'd never smoke.

I would, however, put my Spidey-suit on without washing it first.

Gross.

Say something, please.

I'll see you in class.

Sweet.

Do you smell barbecue?

Sha Shan Nguyen.

She's like totally immune to the Flash.

-Because she's got a brain? -Exactly!

So you're gonna tell me how to make her go out with me.

Me? Why me?

Because A, somehow you got Gwen and Liz to like your scrawny butt...

...and two, if you tell anyone...

...you'll spend the rest of junior year stuffed in that locker.

I guess you could try taking an interest in the things she likes.

Drama, huh?

How hard could it be?

'Doubt thou the stars are fire,

Doubt that the sun doth move, Doubt truth to be a liar,

But never doubt I love.

Such spirit. Such passion.

Now, that's the kind of audition I like to see.

Thank you, my dear.

The cast list will be posted tomorrow. Next.

QB1 is ready for his try-out.

You'll have to wait your turn.

Doesn't anybody know who I am?

The strange web of crime continues...

...as Spider-Man defaced City Hall...

If Spidey wasn't responsible, then why did he run?

You're making a big mistake, web-head!

Stacy, you have one second to explain why Spider-Menace isn't behind bars.

Pleasure to see you too, Jonah.

Maybe, I can help.

You heard about this Colonel Jupiter?

You mean your son?

Well, that's beside the point. What's the point? Here's the point.

He single-handedly rescued a billion people...

...from a fire covering 90 city blocks.

Deputize him...

...and he'll have the web-head on a chain gang in 5.1 seconds.

But which web-head, Jonah?

This is a recent security tape.

And this is older footage.

Look, the fighting style, the suit, the build...

-...they're all different. -The camera adds ten pounds.

That bug's still terrorizing our city.

This isn't the first time the Bugle got it wrong...

...when a copycat dressed up as the web-slinger.

Now, you really wanna embarrass yourself and your paper, again?

-John? -You were right about Spider-Man...

...all along, Pop. But I'll crush him.

Well, see, the cops aren't 110 percent sure the real Spidey's the problem.

For now, why don't you save some cats, kiss a couple of babies.

-The city will eat it up. -No!

Spider-Man's mine!

And I'm gonna stop him, permanently!

Johnny, Johnny, that's the sporks talking.

-They're confusing your brain. -Colonel Jupiter is not confused.

Come on, Venom, where are you?

Spider-Man!

Hey, Colonel! I'm glad you're here.

I could use a little help--

O, it is excellent To have a giant's strength,

but it is tyrannous To use it like a giant.

Easy, Colonel. Look, I'm sorry about that little dust-up...

-...after the fire, but-- -Who are you kidding?

You can't trick me by switching costumes.

There aren't two bugs in this city shooting webs.

Oh, believe me, I've got my trademark lawyers working on that--

The spores must have altered his brain chemistry.

That's it. Doc Connors said electricity only had limited success...

...destroying the spores...

...but maybe the problem was limited electricity.

Just need to lure him to the nearest major source of juice.

Hey, Colonel Stupider!

Is it true you're getting denser by the minute?

Plan's working.

You can't run forever, web-head.

My least favourite part of the plan.

Now you'll learn the true meaning of power.

You want power? Try two million volts.

"I will be brief:

your noble son is mad: Mad call I it,

for, to define true madness,

What is't to be nothing else but mad?"

This is supposed to be English?

The spores are completely out of your son's system.

He should eventually be able to resume a normal life.

I miss the power. I need it.

I have to get the power back.

Give me back the power. Give it back.

Must get the power. Must the power...

I'm gonna get the power.

We'll give you some time alone.

Don't know anyone named Max.

My name's Electro.

-Electro, I tell you! -Another one of yours?

All right, slowly, no pushing.

Oh, Glory, we're in.

-Thank you, Shakespeare. -You too, Kenny.

-Tight. -Harry, you got a lead.

-Congratula-- -Yeah, thanks, just a sec, okay?

Dad? Dad I got the lead in the play.

Plus, I have a girlfriend now.

Did you just say you're proud of me?

I have to find Venom.

It's not safe for Gwen or anyone I care about.

I miss the Colonel already.

Petey, I'm in. I made the cast.

That's great.

Hey, you made it. Cool.

Suppose this means we'll be seeing a lot of each other.

That seems unlikely. Since you aren't on the list.

What?

Obviously, the director's incapable of recognising our natural charisma.

I'm so stuffing Parker in a locker.

This is all Spider-Man's fault.

He destroyed my son.

If I ever get my hands on that wall-crawler, I'll--

You want the wall-crawler?

-No! -Then here's a scoop...

...Peter Parker is Spider-Man.