Original subtitles

What's up, Dad?

Hey. Just the man I want to see.

I have us two tickets to the Mets game.

Oh...

Those are kissing words.

Mm.

I'm in.

Great.

It's Friday night,

- me and you. - Ooh.

I'm out. Rewind.

I'm sorry, I can't make it.

I can't, Dad.

Nina and I are having dinner

with Preston Valentine on Friday.

Who the hell is that?

My film school buddy, Todd.

Why are you hanging out with that dude?

- I hate him. - Yeah,

you hate everyone, all right?

He and I

are jabronis, with an emphasis on "bro."

We made a pact that if one of us made it,

we'd bring the other along,

and he just finished shooting a movie for Paramount.

Paramount? Wow.

Is that thing still around?

The movie's called A Loud Place.

It's like A Quiet Place, but with an all-Black cast.

Okay, well, I'm not gonna guilt-trip you,

even though this was Leon's dying wish.

Come on, man.

Can't you move your thing to another day?

I'm sorry, man, it's the only night Preston had available.

Just take one of your friends. You know, like, um...

Like, uh, t-the guy. Um...

What's his name? You know, with the, uh... Oh, yeah, yeah.

the one, the one... With the-with the eyes.

- Yeah, yeah. - With the heartbeat.

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

Um... Yeah, yeah. Let's face it.

Leon was my only friend.

I mean, there's got to be somebody you can invite.

Well, there was this one guy back at the station.

I used to see him on the elevator all the time.

We really hit it off.

Now, what was his name?

I don't know.

I used to call him Ten 'cause he worked

- on the tenth floor. - Yeah, I got that.

A-And he used to call me Three.

Because you worked on the third floor.

Yeah. Yeah.

You know,

we had great chemistry.

I mean, we had this little thing

where we would mess with people on the elevator.

Well, he sounds great. Invite him.

Well, we never hung out outside the elevator.

- Oh. - And besides,

I don't have his number.

But you have his floor.

♪ Poppa's ♪

♪ House ♪

♪ Yeah. ♪

So, I think I'm just gonna invite him over,

and if he's half as cool as Leon was,

then I'll invite him - to the Mets game. - You know,

men have it so easy.

It is difficult for women

to make friends after a certain age.

And once a woman gets married and have kids,

she forgets about all her single friends.

Oh. Is that why you don't have any friends?

You're my friend.

Yuck.

Let me clarify the "yuck."

Okay, guys don't have female friends because it never works.

It's all a racket.

The thing about

female friends is they still expect you

to pull out the chair.

- Mm-hmm. - They want you to pay the bill

and do all the driving.

Uh, you got to pay for valet, too.

That part.

And after you do all that,

they go home and sleep with a guy

that does none of that.

Okay, but male friends are a racket, too.

It's like having

a puzzle with one piece.

And they're always trying to stick their piece

in your puzzle.

Exactly. And that is why men can't be friends with women.

Okay, fine. So, what are your special plans

with your new boyfriend?

Wait, first, don't say it like that.

And secondly,

it's just gonna be a casual hang.

You know, maybe some sardines, a beer,

handful of pumpkin seeds.

Just to see if he fits in my world.

You know, Poppa, you're having this guy come over here

to see if he can fit into your world,

but sometimes you got to meet people where they are.

Don't waste the pumpkin seeds.

Hey, is that my friend Ten?

Oh, is that Three I see?

- Oh, wow. - In the place to be.

- Ding! - Going up?

- Whoa. - Man, I missed you.

Where you been?

I'm not at the station anymore.

What? Wh... I'm-I'm doing a podcast.

- Podcast? - Mm-hmm.

Man, I love me some podcasts.

- Really? - Hey!

Man, hold the elevator.

Hey, don't you worry.

- You take your time. - Thank you, thank you.

No worries, man.

Ah...

Why do I trust so easily?

Sucker!

- Whoa. - Oh...

Mm.

Ah.

Achoo.

Hey, did you just sneeze on my...

Achoo!

- Oh, that went in my mouth. - I'm sorry, man.

He just gave me his cold.

Don't worry about it, it's just herpes.

Man, I missed this.

Yeah, man. Me too.

Hey.

You want to hang out sometime?

You mean outside the elevator?

Yeah. Why not?

Ah, gee, man, I...

- No? - I don't know about all that.

You know what? Let's do it.

What? Okay.

You got time to exchange numbers?

We got all the time in the world now.

Okay.

What was that, man?

Uh, that's kind of like a nervous tic,

but I only do it when I'm happy.

Okay, yeah.

You can see I'm happy now.

That's probably Todd now.

Uhp, uhp, uhp.

- Preston Valentine, honey. - Right.

I hope "Preston" still doesn't blame me

for breaking up your little film company, Two Jabronis.

Oh, that was years ago, babe. I'm sure he's over it by now.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Hello, Yoko.

Yeah. Completely over it.

Hello, Todd.

Oh, it's Preston now.

Well,

well, well.

Of all the gin joints in all the world...

You had to walk into mine.

Come here, you jabroni!

- Ah. - Ah.

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

- Hold for room tone. - Hold for room tone.

And... cut.

Wow.

Really missed that.

So...

Unimpress-ton, what have you been up to?

Everything you're doing - sounds so exciting. - Yeah,

you know, I just wrapped on A Loud Place,

which I wrote and directed

and brought in under time and under budget.

Ooh. Yeah.

I don't really know what that means.

She doesn't know

what that means.

You got to be...

Honey, you wouldn't understand.

In layman's terms, he did an awesome job.

Oh. And I have

a little surprise for you.

Now, nobody has seen this,

but it's the script for the sequel to A Loud Place.

Dude.

- Don't you frickin' dare, dude. - Yeah.

Let's just... let's see it already.

Okay, well, you know, Paramount wants a trilogy.

Right. Right. Right?

- So you got A Loud Place. - Mm-hmm.

You got A Louder Place... Of course.

And then, finally... A Loudest Place.

How'd you know that?

Well, here you go.

Yeah. Yeah.

Wow, man.

Why is everything written in, uh, caps?

Because it's loud, baby.

You see, it's the sequel.

It's bigger and louder.

Yes. Right? Now, again,

Nobody's seen this, okay? So...

I don't know. You guys want to do a couple scenes?

What, you mean, like-like us? Like, act it out?

Yeah, like a rehearsal.

You know, we'll put it - on its feet. Wow.

Oh, gee, I haven't done this since college,

but...

...once a thespian, always a thespian!

Oh...

- Okay. All right, Smalle Berry. - Okay.

So, I'll set the scene.

- All right. - You two--

- you're an urban couple. - Right.

- You're living in a house. - Mm-hmm.

- Kind of similar to this one. - Right.

- Okay. - Just bigger

- and, I don't know, nicer. - Yeah.

Bigger and nicer. Got it?

- Yeah. - I heard him. Thank you.

Yeah.

So, you guys are surrounded by aliens

trying to devour you and your two children.

Dude, I just got chills.

So, keep that feeling. You know why?

Because you love your kids.

- So much. - And you love

- your wife. - Oh, infinitely.

But you got to choose,

- You're terrified. - Right.

Two kids.

Two of 'em.

And they Black, so you know they about to die.

Right.

And... action.

I hear them on the roof!

How are we gonna get out of this?

And then, suddenly, the window crashes in.

No, no, not that window.

The window over there.

- Uh. Yeah. Yeah, that one. - This... Uh-huh.

Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they're-they're climbing in.

Uh, honey, I don't think you're gonna make it!

Boom!

Then, suddenly, their handsome best friend Toddrick

dives through the window,

guns blazing,

muscles glistening just like this.

And then he kills

three of the Zorbatorbs and then he says,

get in my car.

But it's only a two-seater.

Because it's a Porsche 911 Turbo limited edition.

Wow, that is such a cool car.

- Yep. - But I can't leave.

What about my wife and my two children?

The kids

are dead.

Uh, wait, when-when did that happen?

When did my kids die?

Uh, off-camera.

Yeah, but you can't mourn forever, you know?

Because you can have other kids, uh, with other women.

- Right. - Yeah.

It's what Tina would have wanted.

Wait, wait, no.

- Hold up. I'm dead, too? - Hmm? Oh, no,

no, no-- y-you're just bleeding out.

- Uh-huh. - You see?

You are the, um, you're the motivation

for-for your husband to become the hero, in your memory.

- So good. - Yeah, yeah, just keep reading, keep reading.

Ah. Oh.

Okay, um, yeah, right here, right here.

Okay, uh... Okay.

Little-little more dead. Like-like...

Babe!

Go on without me.

I'm always holding you back.

Wait, what?

Just stay focused.

Okay? You are very...

loud, and action.

I'm annoying and I'm the reason

your dreams never came true, Craymon Jr.

Oh, my God, honey!

They're eating your face!

No.

Even if you do survive, I'm no longer

sexually attracted to you.

And that's when the Zorbatorbs come in

and they drag her, screaming, into the darkness.

No!

Well, life goes on for me.

That's what Tina would have wanted.

Guess it's just us now, the two Tabronis.

And...

- scene! - Wow! Oh, my God.

Whoa. Oh, my goodness, Yeah.

- dude. - That went better than I thought.

That was crazy.

Oh, yeah. It's good to see you.

- Oh, my gosh. Oh. - Yeah.

Let's dive into the resolution scene here.

Okay.

- All right. - Okay.

Craymon Jr.'s in a better place.

- Yes, he is. - He looks ten years younger

and has a beautiful, tall girlfriend.

Wow.

- I'm thinking Paula Patton. - Oh.

That's the lasagna.

And I think we've read enough. Let's eat.

Sure you don't want - to read the rest? - I said

let's eat!

You got this, dude.

- Hey, what's up, man? - There he is.

Oh, I didn't know it was hamper casual.

Yeah, well, you know, we just two guys hanging out.

You know how we do.

Are you on something?

Uh...

I hope that isn't cigar smoke,

because that triggers my asthma.

Oh. Okay, baby lungs.

Baby lungs? These are baby lungs.

They're transplants.

What?

They had to give me three of 'em.

Okay, well, um, can I get you a beer?

Oh, no.

I'm on the wagon.

- What? - I've been sober

for ten years.

- Wow. - Want to see my chip?

Only if I could put it in some salsa.

You know what, that's a trigger for us.

- Oh. - Yeah.

Yeah. You know what? You were more funny

on the elevator, you know that?

You know something? So were you.

Well, I guess, uh, you got stuff to do.

Huh? Elevators to ride,

buttons to push. You know what I mean?

I'll see you later now.

I-I guess that's the case,

because, you know... Hey.

Is this ring from Carbon High?

Class of '78.

Get out of here.

That's crazy, I went to that same school.

Were you there

when we got half a year off

'cause someone burnt the place down?

- Guilty. - What?

And you're welcome.

I'm sorry, I just-I just...

I haven't been myself in here.

I think it's the space, you know? It's-it's... What's wrong with it?

I think it's a little bit too big.

Too big?

Do you have anything,

you know, smaller?

Yeah, I think so.

This is great!

- Yeah, okay. - Yeah, man. See,

I was born in a jail cell, so,

you know, smaller spaces

make me feel more comfortable.

Okay, I get it, I get it.

So, um, what were you like

back in your drinking days?

Oh, man, I got to tell you that I was wild.

- Really? - Yeah.

Man, I stole this New Jersey transit bus

and I drove it to Brooklyn. Backwards.

- What? - Imagine that.

Huh? Where Brooklyn at?

Where Brooklyn at? Where Brooklyn at?

Oh, man.

Hey, man, is it getting hot in here?

Because, man, this is like Carbon High hot in here.

Really? Um, you want to go back to the living room?

Uh, no. Do you have something smaller?

This is even greater, man.

Well, yeah, yeah,

you couldn't help yourself. Okay.

Hey, man, you know, I realized I don't even know your name.

Jarnold.

- Arnold? - No.

Jarnold.

Donald.

Jarnold.

With a J.

Oh.

Look, man,

my mom wanted an Arnold, okay?

And my dad wanted a John.

- Uh-huh. - Thusly,

making it... ♪ Jarnold ♪

Got it? Yeah.

Okay.

So, uh, Jarnold, would you, uh, like to...

Uh, all my friends call me Jarny.

All right. Listen, Jarny...

Uh, no, you got to call me J.

You got to earn that "arny."

Oh. Okay, well, J,

would you like - to play some cards? - No, man.

I haven't touched a deck of cards

since I lost my house playing poker.

Mm.

And I lost my kidney playing blackjack.

- Oh. - And I lost my wife

playing with other woman.

Oh, that's a joke.

Playing with 'em!

Ooh, okay.

I hope I didn't offend Nina too much.

You know, she went upstairs kind of early.

She didn't seem too happy with that scene.

I mean, you did kill her children.

So, look, um,

we've always been straight with each other.

Jabroni code, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold for room tone.

Yeah. And cut.

So, I'm just gonna

look you in the eye and tell you...

...you gave up on your dream.

What are you talking about, man?

I didn't give up my dream.

I got a lot of stuff going on.

I got the-the documentary in a festival, I...

So, you got a base hit.

But you're never gonna get

to where you want to go because you're being weighed down

by a bunch of baggage.

Look, that script we read

shoots in Malta in three months.

I need a second unit director. Guess who I want?

- Me? - Mm-hmm.

Wait, you're offering me a directing job?

Yeah, dude.

You're offering me a directing job?!

- Yes. Listen to me. - Oh, my God.

I need you to be in L.A. next week for prep.

Okay? I'll introduce you

to the studio guys.

It'll be you and me, just like the old days.

Oh, my goodness! Thank you, Preston!

Oh, wow.

- Yeah, man. - Next week?

- Next week. - That's so soon.

- I mean, the kids are in school. - Uh-huh.

Nina works from home, so

can do that in Malta for sure. Maybe she can home schoolMm, cut, cut

the kids... cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Here's the thing.

I'm gonna need you 24/7.

You see, you and me-- we're gonna be

living and breathing these Zorbatorbs.

No distractions. No Yoko.

Because she'sthe one

- who's been holding you back. - Okay, enough

with the Yoko stuff, all right?

Her name's not Yoko.

I know, it's... it's...

- It's Nina! - Uh, it's Nina. Yes.

I love her very much,

so put some respect on her name, all right?

Think of who you could have been without her.

I'd rather think about who I already am with her.

The guy working at

her dad's foam roller company?

Could be worse.

Could be

the narcissistic director of A Louder Place.

Whoa. Shots fired.

Yeah, man.

And let me tell you something.

I'm happy with my life, okay?

Who do you go home to at night, your camera?

Man, I go home with anybody I want.

- Megan Fox...'s assistant. - Oh.

Um,

Halle Berry...'s - ex-groundskeeper. - Mm.

And then,

um, for a little while there,

Angela Lansbury.

...'s granddaughter?

No, Angela Lansbury.

Yeah, murder wasn't the only thing she wrote.

That's gross.

- I know. - Um...

Well, I'm gonna look you in the eye

Mm-hmm.and tell you the truth, okay?

Jabroni code.

Now, you may have a nice life

and a great house,

but you don't have a home.

I have everything I want right here.

For what it's worth, I think you're wasting your potential.

I'm gonna go back

to the hotel and pack.

If you ever want to get serious...

...you know where to find me.

Hey, I heard that.

Are you okay?

Yeah, you know?

Like you always say...

...never regret standing on principle. Mm.

That's right, because friends come and go,

and I hope that that one goes.

No, man, you know, I'm not gonna cut him off.

You know, I'm just gonna set some boundaries.

You're a better man than me 'cause I would have cut him off.

Oh, I know.

That's why you can't find anybody

to bring to the Mets game.

True that. But, hey,

you got time. You want to go to the game?

Uh, I thought you were going with the elevator guy.

Nah, he's too...

What does...

...mean?

- I don't know. - Oh.

Well, Dad, I would love to go with you,

but Nina put up with a lot tonight,

so I'm gonna spend some time with her.

Okay, youdo that.

Yeah.

So, who you gonna take?

Oh-ho!

You know, this was so nice of you

- to make me your baseball buddy. - Yeah, well,

you know, I didn't want that extra ticket to go to waste.

Poppa, you could have given this ticket to anyone,

but you picked me instead. Why?

- Truth? - Yeah.

I think Leon would have wanted it this way.

He would have said "D,

"take the doc. She's good people.

I don't like her laugh, but she good people."

That is the sweetest, most thoughtful...

Oh, my God! We're on the Jumbotron!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug...

- Marker. - I don't know. Oh.

But if you change your mind, you know where to find me.

Why does everybody keep doing that?

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