Original subtitles

[pop music]

♪ You thought you hadn't found a good girl ♪

♪ One to love you and give you the world ♪

♪ Now you find that you've been misused ♪

♪ Talk to me, I'll do what you choose ♪

♪ I want you to ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ All about it ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ And I'll make everything alright ♪

♪ That girl you had didn't have no sense ♪

♪ She wasn't worth all the time that you spent ♪

♪ She had all the men throw you outdoors ♪

♪ Now the same man is wearing your clothes ♪

♪ I want you to tell mama ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ And I'll make everything alright.. ♪

[sighs]

[telephone rings]

'Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.'

[tone beeps]

'Hi, Charlie. It's Carol from the LA Temp Agency.'

'Listen, Dr. Patel's office needs you for tomorrow.'

'Is that okay? Let me know. Bye.'

[phone beeps]

Good morning, neighbor.

Hey. Help yourself.

Oh, thanks. I was out of everything.

Why do I even bother?

Remy, I gave you that key for emergencies.

'Extreme emergencies.'

It was. I needed caffeine.

I don't know. This is good. I'd even wear it.

Good, 'cause I've got to go. I'm late for my first client.

You stay. Have breakfast, take a shower. Go through my drawers.

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ All about it ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ What you want ♪

♪ Tell mama.. ♪

[doorbell rings]

- Hey, Charlie. - Morning.

- Are the boys ready? - Dragon! Zorro!

[barks]

Hey! There are my boys.

Come on. Yay.

- See you later. - Bye!

- Be good, boys! - Whoa! Slow down!

♪ Tell mama all about it ♪

♪ Tell mama ♪

♪ What you need ♪

♪ Tell mama..♪

"Romance is in the air today.

No one can resist your obvious charms."

[dog groans]

Well, Otis, your horoscope seems accurate.

Stop it. Come on. Let's read mine. Okay.

"Do not leave your house today." Too late.

"And stop looking so hard. Love is right in front of you."

[barking]

Hey. What's wrong?

I ordered a nonfat latte. I can taste the fat.

- I'd be happy to change it. - 'Can't you make coffee?'

- I'd be more than happy-- - 'How hard it is that?'

I can make another one. I'll exchange it for you.

- It's okay. You've done enough. - I'm sorry.

Karma.

- Have a good one. - Thanks, girl!

- Oh, sorry. - Oh, I'm sorry.

Hi.

[door chimes]

Hi.

(Remy) 'I dunno how to read tarot cards. Why am I in the cards?'

(Charlie) 'Come on, just try.'

(Remy) 'Okay, well, this crazy old lady keeps coming up.'

The knight in shining armor.

- Mmm! That's mine. - No, no, no. What?

- I saw this guy twice today. - That guy?

Two times in one day. That's a sign, right?

Mmm, a sign.

[all laugh]

Okay. What did he say when you talked to him?

I didn't talk to him.

Well, are you sure he saw you?

Yeah! I mean, I think so.

Okay, honey, we're worried about you

because you're turning into a bit of a freak.

We think it's from not having sex.

'Exactly.'

Look, just because

I haven't been in a relationship in a while

doesn't mean I'm miserable.

I just want a sweet guy

you know, a guy who's strong but still...

[whistles]

...opens a door once in a while and who notices things and...

You know, maybe makes a difference.

Maybe he completes you.

[laughs]

Oh.

[whispers] You complete me.

[laughing]

Oh, sorry.

[electronic beep]

Dr. Patel's office.

- Hi, Mrs. Reynolds. - 'Go to grandma's.'

'Tell her I'll be home late. I still have stitches to do.'

- Yeah, can you please hold? - 'I'll see you at home.'

You know what? Go ahead. I can do that for you.

- Oh, thank you. You're a doll. - No problem.

Hey, George.

- How are you doing? - Good. What you got there?

The doctor asked me to bring it from home.

Whew! Okay!

Alright. The doctor will be right with you.

[smooth jazz music]

♪ I said leap into my arms, babe ♪

♪ Come on, dive into the stove.. ♪

We're here!

Thank God you guys are here.

I am down two girls tonight. Here.

- Sorry, that's all I got left. - Sweet.

I love that I am now comfortable enough with my sexuality

to wear something like this, you know?

- Looks good. - Take off the apron now.

- Sorry. - Where do we start?

Okay, uh, hand out these shrimp balls.

There's gotta be a better name for those.

- I don't think it's bad. - What's wrong with the name?

♪ I said, I say, sometimes we look back.. ♪

- Oh, my God, that's him. - Whoa! Who? Who?

The guy I ran into. He's here.

- Where? - What?

That's three times in two days. What are the chances?

- Like, none. - 'That's Dr. Fields.'

'This is his party. He just moved back from San Francisco.'

- Really? - 'Yeah.'

(Remy) 'Well, you're right. He is hot.'

♪ Flirting with disaster ♪

♪ You're the one I'm after ♪

♪ I think I've found my destiny ♪

♪ I can fly ♪

♪ On the wings of my heart ♪

♪ Deep inside ♪

♪ I've been falling apart ♪

♪ L-l-love ♪

♪ There's a magic in you ♪

♪ And I'll be under your spell.. ♪

(male #1) 'Here's the best part. The guy then goes into cardiac arrest.'

Kevin performs CPR on the guy. Saves his life again.

- God. - 'Disgusting, isn't he?'

- No, you are amazing. - Uh!

Yeah.

Excuse me?

W-wait, wait, wait. What do we have there?

Oh, um, balls.

'Uh, shrimp balls.'

Um, shrimp in... balls.

[chuckles]

(female #1) 'I'm sorry.'

But we're not really into fish genitalia.

Hmm. Yeah, okay.

(female #1) 'Was she really listening to our conversation?'

Excuse me.

Wait a second.

Um, so I know two things about you. You work in catering.

And you have a lot of dogs.

Oh, that... No. Uh, I'm a dog walker.

I'm not some crazy dog-lady with 12,000 dogs.

- That's why. - And I'm sorry about before.

I didn't mean to be eavesdropping.

Well, you're right. You shouldn't have.

You should have stayed and talked to me.

Well, your girlfriend seemed pretty offended.

Oh, no. That's-that's not my girlfriend.

I-I don't have a... I'm sing...

I don't have a girlfriend.

- What? - Nothing.

Nothing. Um, I'm Charlie. Charlotte, but Charlie.

[chuckles] Well, I'm-I'm Kevin.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you, too.

Uh-oh.

What? What does "uh-oh" mean?

'It looks like someone else is mowing your lawn, Fiona.'

I'm gonna go away with these.

- Excuse me. I'll see you guys. - See you.

Oh, my shoes are killing me

which means they must look fabulous.

- Can I get you anything? - One of him on a platter.

- 'Such a waste.' - What's a waste?

Oh, you didn't know?

Kevin's gay.

- What? - 'Yeah.'

'That's Kit, the groom. Or maybe he's the bride.'

I can't remember which one's the top

and which one's the bottom.

Yeah, they're getting married next Christmas in Maui.

Uh, I didn't even get that vibe.

Trust me.

Thanks.

Look at that dude's arms!

I used to have such good gaydar.

[barking]

Oh, you're home. Thank God. I'm exhausted.

[phone rings] What did you do today?

[recorded message] 'Hi, it's Charlie. Leave a message.'

Went to the post office.

(Kevin) 'Hi, Charlie.

- 'This is Kevin Fields.' - That's him.

'Dunno if you remember me from the party the other night but..'

...I was just calling, uh, to see if, um...

Maybe... maybe you wanted to walk my dog.

What? No!

Hang up the phone.

No, actually, you can't, because I don't have a dog.

So... maybe you could walk me.

[whispers] Hang it up.

Alright, you know, I'm gonna go now.

Just call me at 555-0118 and ask for Dr. Fields.

Okay, thanks. Bye.

Oh, man. That was... that was horrible.

I wouldn't hold your breath for a callback on that.

She'll call me if she wants to walk an idiot.

I'm not gonna disagree.

So takeout or raid your fridge?

Here we go.

Take it easy, Lilly.

'Easy.'

Hi. You never called. I figured I would bring the coffee to you.

[chuckles] Thanks.

Um, look, I think you're a really nice guy and everything

but I don't know why you called me.

- Hmm? - I'm a woman.

Yeah, I love that fact.

[sighs]

Have you ever been with a woman?

[coughs] Excuse me?

I mean have you only ever been with men?

Men? What are you talking...

Whoa, Wait a minute. I'm not gay.

- You're not? - No.

No, I like women. Lots of...

No, not lots of women but you know what I mean.

Why did you think I was gay?

Awkward. Okay, I gotta go now.

Wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, I'll prove to you that I'm not gay.

Lemme take you out on Friday night. We'll watch the playoffs.

I'll order a pizza. I'll completely ignore you.

Give me one good reason.

'Cause I'm different.

Really?

Okay, what color are my eyes?

Well, at first glance, your eyes are brown.

But when the light hits them they change to amber.

If you look closely around the iris the color is pure honey.

But when you look into the sun

they almost look green.

That's my favorite.

How did I do?

I would've settled for brown.

[dogs snarl] Okay!

- Ow. - 'Peanut, let go!'

Off! Off!

(Charlie) 'I'm sorry he bit you.'

I mean, they all have their shots so it should be fine.

Seriously, don't worry about it. It barely broke the skin.

- 'Outside.' - Did you just move in?

No, I've been here a year and a half.

Oh, nice place.

I should have some hydrogen peroxide around here somewhere.

What is all this stuff?

- Oh, I'm a yoga instructor. - 'This?'

And a little league coach. And a dog walker and a caterer.

I told you I'm a temp.

[toilet flushes] That is not true. She is an incredibly talented artist.

- Remy! Remy! - Look at her sketchbook.

- She hides it under there. - 'Remy!'

What?

[silent]

[whispers] He's not gay...

[silent]

- Are you alright? - Yeah. Yeah, thank you.

Found it!

So you're an artist, too?

Uh, I like to dabble in a lot of different things.

I mean, life's too short to live the same day twice, right?

Yeah. That's a good philosophy to live by.

My dad always said that. Come on.

Used to?

Yeah, my parents died when I was little.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - That's okay.

It was a really long time ago. You ready?

Yeah. It's a little embarrassing. I'm the doctor.

I'm the one who's supposed to look at the.. Ah! Ow!

Oh, my God. I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding. I never get to do that.

Okay, because the cut is, like, three inches higher.

[pager beeps]

Sorry.

- Do you need my phone? - Oh, no, thanks.

It's... just my mom. And it's only her second page of the day.

She's just getting started.

- Well, you're all set. - Thank you.

[sighs] So, do you think

we could do this again sometime, maybe without the biting?

Yeah, that would be nice.

[pager beeps]

[sighs]

- Heard from Kevin yet? - Not yet. I've paged him.

Would you page him again? Good morning, Stan.

- Good morning. - You're in a good mood.

Last time the network executives came to my dressing room

I got my own show and a big raise.

- And I had to start kissing-- - Viola Fields? Oh, my God!

It is such an honor to meet you.

Oh, thank you, darling.

Would you mind just signing this autograph?

For my grandmother.

[chuckles]

I'd love to. You know what else I'd love?

I'd love you to get me a latte. Do you mind?

- Okay. - Thanks, hon.

Hi, guys. How are you?

That woman is a legend.

Shouldn't you be getting the latte?

I just can't believe they picked me to replace her.

[squeals]

Oh, shit!

I-I've been replaced?

(male #2) 'I'm so sorry, Viola.'

Uh Just! I'm fine.

I mean, you've had an amazing career, Viola.

It's just that we're... trying

to appeal to a younger demographic.

I'm fine. I'm fine.

[glass shatters]

(Viola) 'Damn! Get my manager on the phone.'

'And then I'm gonna call the head of the..'

- Uh, we're on in two minutes. - Okay.

[Viola screaming]

Will you get her to come? Please!

[glass shattering] Okay, she'll be ready.

I'm ready.

♪ Love got jeans and a tee ♪

♪ Am I kinky or sweet? ♪

♪ Take a look inside my makeup bag ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ If you wanna love me ♪

♪ How good or bad I can be.. ♪

- You okay? - I'm great.

Hey, I've had a great run, I've done exclusives

with Kissinger, the Dalai Lama Muhammad Ali...

Four sitting presidents... Three of them hit on me.

Five Emmys!

I'm replaced by a young thing whose grandmother loves me.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna finish out my contract

and I'm gonna leave this show with my dignity intact.

- 'Coming back from commercial.' - 'Three, cue announcer.'

(female #2) 'Today on Public Intimacy, pop singing sensation Tanya Murphy.'

[giggles]

'And now we're live with Viola Fields.'

Four, three, two...

Well, that was very nice.

(Viola) 'My goodness, you have a big voice for such a tiny girl.'

You're gonna miss Viola Fields.

- 'You've always been a singer.' - 'Ever since I was a child.'

'I would sing in school plays, choirs.'

- How old are you? - I'll be 17 next month.

Um, w-what do you do for fun?

I love watching really old movies.

- They're my favorite. - Really? Which ones?

Uh, well, Grease and Grease 2.

Um, Benji. I love Benji.

Free Willy, um...

'Legally Blonde... uh..'

- 'The Little Mermaid.' - Yeah.

- 'Oh.' - Oh, I know.

[giggles]

[laughs]

You ever read a newspaper?

(Ruby) Newspaper?

Viola, the girl has stars on her nipples.

I don't have much time for that.

So basically

you have no idea what's going on in the world?

Oh, I--

And yet, you've sold over five million albums... CDs.

Kids listen to your insipid...

What is she doing?

"You want to know me, look in my makeup bag."

[chuckle]

'You're influencing an entire generation of kids.'

Who won't know how to think straight

or vote for a president.

Or remember the significance of Roe Versus Wade.

Oh! I don't support boxing as a sport.

'I think it's too violent.'

Better get that girl outta there.

[chuckles]

[screams]

[gasps]

- Holy crap! - Get us off the air!

- Quick! - Go to commercial!

(Tanya) Crazy bitch! Get off me!

Cut. Put in the Bow Flex tape! Juice Man, something!

(Tanya on TV) 'Oh, I don't support boxing as a sport.'

'I think it's too violent.'

[giggles]

[screams]

[gasps]

Oh.

I wanted you to take one last look at the old Viola.

Oh, thank God I've changed.

Yes.

Well, just remember

the breakdown was only a few months ago

so take it nice and slow out there.

- No stress. - Absolutely.

In fact, I'm going to take a vacation.

'I've been promising my son we'd go to Africa.'

Since he was a little boy. And I finally have the time.

- That's wonderful. - Not to worry.

I'm in complete control.

Ruby! Ruby, my dear old friend.

Oh, I'm so happy to see you.

Well, good. They still have you medicated.

Ruby, I figured it out. Life, I mean.

Oh, this ought to be good.

It's not about how many celebrities I interview

or what my ratings are.

'It's about relationships and family.'

Oh!

- Me and my son. - Oh, I just spoke to Kevin.

- Did you get the tickets? - Sure did. Right here.

He's going to be so surprised.

Yeah, the three of you should have a good time.

- Three? - Yeah.

Uh, you, Kevin and his new girlfriend.

[engine starts]

New girlfriend? That's... a lovely surprise.

Is it?

Well, I mean, it can't be too serious.

I've only been away a few months.

[sunroof whirring]

[thudding]

[beeps]

Well, that's the end of it.

Where do you want me to put this?

'Oh, under the bed.'

You don't want me to put it by the door?

So you can quickly escape to your apartment for some reason?

Now come on. You agreed to me subletting my apartment.

I would have agreed to anything.

To get you to move in here.

'Oh, these are great. Are they new?'

Oh, no! You can't look at those!

- 'Cause they're not finished. - Oh, sorry.

- Okay? - Please?

Here, I'll put them back.

Forgot to tell you. We're having lunch with my mom tomorrow.

Oh!

It'll be fine. I promise.

[sighs]

You want to take a shower?

Hmm.

Yeah! Okay!

♪ It's just a ride, it's just a ride ♪

♪ No need to run, no need to hide ♪

♪ It'll take you round and round.. ♪

Alright, so tell me about your dad.

Well, he died when I was two.

But that was just her first husband.

At the time she was a freelance journalist

and then she married this guy who was a network exec

and got her first on-air break

but divorced him for Alec Wrigley.

Wait, the actor? I thought he was--

Oh, he was. It lasted about two years till she threw him out

for sleeping with her second husband.

'Wait, how many times has she been married?'

- 'Well, four.' - ' Wow.'

'But her career was always the main thing.'

'She just lived for it.'

'Well, her career and me of course.'

'And, basically, now I'm all she's got.'

Here we are.

(Viola) 'Oh, no.'

[gasps]

'Oh, playing dress-up, are we?'

[sighs]

(Charlie) Shut up. Is that the Dalai Lama?

(Kevin) 'Yeah.'

(Charlie) Oh my God, that can't be real.

(Kevin) 'It is.'

Did you know all these people?

- Some of them. - 'Kevin.'

- Look at you. All handsome. - Ruby!

- Good to see you. - Yeah, you too.

Now, forget about my mother.

This is the woman you need to get through.

- 'Charlie, this is Ruby.' - Pleasure to meet you.

Oh, the pleasure's mine.

Uh, excuse us. I've gotta talk to him about a rash.

You're bringing a girl home to meet your mother now?

Yeah, Ruby, I am.

The women is fresh off the funny farm.

I mean, why don't you come back, let's say... next spring?

Oh, the trees will be blooming. It will be so beautiful.

- She'll love it. - How is she?

She's good. The first thing she did

when she got home was make me lock up all the booze.

(Charlie) 'It's Oprah!'

- Oprah! - Yeah, Oprah.

There's one in there with the cast from Good Times too.

(Charlie) 'So how big is this place?'

(Kevin) About four acres.

'There's a tennis court, two swimming pools'

'indoor and outdoor... it's kind of crazy.'

What? No helicopter pad?

Oh, no. There's one out back. I'm kidding.

(Viola) 'Kevin!'

Oh, I've missed you so much!

I promise I'll never leave you again.

Oh, my God, mom. Look at you. You look fantastic.

Oh, it's just something I threw together.

- Come here. - What?

I want to introduce you to someone. Charlie. Mom.

[whispers] Kevin.

Charlie, this is mom.

- 'Mom, Charlie.' - Oh, hi.

Oh, I'd love to just be able to think of it and make it.

I must have spent the last 30 years

looking for the perfect little black--

(together) Cocktail dress.

- Yes. - I know.

It doesn't matter. You could wear anything with your figure.

- I mean, you look amazing. - Oh, honey, thanks.

When you're my age, if ain't broke, you fix it before it is.

[both laugh]

[lounge music]

- Why the question mark? - Oh, 'cause I just don't know.

[both laugh]

'Oh, I love your jewelry.'

- Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. - 'I love that.'

- I like it... the earth tones. - 'It's fantastic.'

- Where did you get this from? - My first husband.

That's Kevin's father. He gave it when we were in Peru.

- 'It's very earthy.' - 'It's like the dress.'

[lounge music continues]

[laughing]

I think it's wonderful that you've tried so many temp jobs.

Think of all the experiences you have.

You've been so quiet, Kevin.

Oh, it's hard to get a word in edgewise with you two.

Aww, is he great, or what?

I tell you too, that's a little scary.

Enjoy it while you can.

Here you go, some more coffee.

I was a bit nervous about you two meeting.

- Really? - Why?

Well, 'cause it's important to me.

Mom, you're the most amazing woman I've ever known.

And, Charlie, I've never met anyone like you.

'You're real, you're honest.'

'And although we've only known each other a few months'

I-I feel like I've known you forever.

[sighs]

I guess what I'm trying to say here...

...is what you doing for the rest of your life?

[music stops abruptly]

What?

[bell rings]

(both) Oh, my God!

Charlie, will you marry me?

It's... it's too sudden.

- She's in shock. - No! I mean...

- I am, but... - Yes!

- Seriously? - Seriously.

No, no. Say, no.

Yes. Yes! Yeah!

[laughs]

Oh, gee... oh!

Oh!

Oh, I'm so happy for you. Congratulations!

Oh, my God. I can't believe this.

I am so happy for you. Congratulations!

I'm so pleased that you're gonna to be my daughter-in-law.

- Oh, congratulations. - I can't believe this.

- I'm so happy for you. - Thank you!

You're going to need a moment alone.

- Excuse me, I'll be right back. - Okay.

Oh! Shit!

Ugh!

[gasps]

Medicine.

Let's see.

No.

What's... ah! 14% alcohol!

[gasps]

- You are so crazy! Oh, my God! - I almost forgot.

I've carried this for two weeks waiting for the perfect moment.

I can't believe this turned out to be it.

- Kevin. - Try it on.

It is the perfect moment.

Maybe you should go check on your mom.

Oh, she's fine. She's probably calling all of our relatives.

Oh, Holy Spirit...

[eagle cries]

Surround me with light.

Please rid me of my negative karma

and my wickedness.

Please help me be a better person.

[groans]

I could just kill that dog-walking slut!

Of course.

She's pregnant.

So, goodness. That was a lot to take in at tea time.

- Oh, you're telling me. - I had no idea.

That you guys were so serious.

Kevin, you never mentioned anything.

- Mom. - Here's what I want to say.

It's wonderful being in love.

But I don't think marriage is the best solution

to a thing like this.

Well, you know nowadays a girl has so many alternatives

to getting married, I mean there's adoption, abortion.

Lesbianism... hmm?

(Kevin) 'Whoa, mom!'

- What are you talking about? - Well, I mean, it's so sudden.

I have to assume there's a pressing reason.

Oh, oh, no. Charlie's not pregnant.

Call me old-fashioned.

Marriage is a sacred union

that should only be entered into with the utmost care.

Weren't you married four times?

Yes, dear.

Which makes me an expert. Don't you think?

[pager beeps] Excuse me.

It's the hospital. I'll be right back.

Okay.

- You want me to go with you? - No, stay right there.

[clock chimes]

[sighs]

You know, this is as sudden for me as it is for you.

- It's too sudden, right? - You think?

- Yeah. - Really?

What's the rush? It's not like the old days

where you had to get married and have kids

and have it figured out by 21.

- Exactly. - We have options now.

And I've always liked having my options.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

This is so... big.

What am I... what am I doing?

I love Kevin.

I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

Oh, my God! I'm getting married!

[laughs]

[shouts] Ruby!

[dishes clatter]

Ruby, I need a bottle of champagne. We'll celebrate.

'May I have the key to the liquor cabinet please?'

What key?

- The key, Ruby. - Key? There's no key.

Ruby, give me the key.

You want to take this outside?

Bring me the key.

And fix your hair. You look like a damned cockatoo.

[forced laughter]

She is such a fabulous assistant.

[Viola laughing]

Hey, do you think your mother liked me?

Of course. Why?

I don't know, because she called me a pregnant lesbian?

[laughs]

I'm sure she meant that as a compliment.

Trust me. She loves you.

Oh, they're gone?

I'll just put this baby back to bed, okay?

My son, the brilliant surgeon.

Is gonna marry a temp.

[yells]

[screaming]

Gonna need something stronger than this.

Where's that martini?

Hooch, will not solve your problems.

She's going to destroy him.

It is so clear.

She's got no money, no career goals.

She was just waiting for a rich innocent

to step right in her path.

Oh, Kevin's smarter than that.

Come on, you raised him well.

'He's a good boy.'

But he's a man. That's the problem.

They only think straight is when they have an erection

and it's usually pointed right at the trampiest woman.

You talking about her or you?

'Look, there's nothing you can do. Just let it go.'

You know what you need? A project.

Or another husband.

You know, why don't you marry another gay guy?

That was fun.

You know, you're right. I do need a project.

And I have the perfect one.

I am going to save my son.

- Here. - What?

You, use those contacts of yours to get all

the information you can about that little temp.

And exactly what do you expect to find?

Everybody's got a past, honey. Find something.

And I'm going to open up the Montecito house

and get a party planner.

I'm going to give them an engagement party.

And then what? Lock her in the basement?

When he sees, how out of place she is in his world, it's over.

This will end badly.

Give me another one of those.

♪ Ooh-ohh ♪

♪ I just want to get down with you ♪

♪ Eh! ♪

♪ I just want to get close to you ♪

♪ Ooh-ohh ♪

♪ I just need to go farther.. ♪

Is it me or is each house you take me to bigger than the last?

[Kevin laughs]

But I thought your mom said this was a barbecue.

It looks like she's invited everyone I've ever known.

And they're all in black tie.

Oh, there's my mom. Mom!

Darlings! How was the trip?

I'm sorry. I didn't know this was a formal party.

That's because I have something for you. I bought you a dress.

Oh, see? There's a dress upstairs.

- Thank you. - You're great in anything.

Exactly. You always look so clean and shiny.

Oh, Kevin, your tuxedo is upstairs in your room.

But first I want you to meet some friends. Come.

- Prince Amir. - Can I change first?

[speaking French

- This is Sarah. - You know Kevin.

And this is Charlie. She's a temp.

Charlie, this man introduced the Euro to the global market.

- Mr. Prime Minister. - Viola.

Oh, Marie. You know my son, but this is Charlie.

- Very good to meet you. - So nice to meet you.

- She's a temp. - Yeah.

I worked in a bank once.

Oh, look! There's the poet laureate and--

Charlie, I want you to meet the Secretary of Commerce.

Viola, please let me change first.

I don't want to meet her in my flip-flops.

Of course. Ruby, would you show Charlie to the guest room?

- Come on, Charlie. - Thank you. Thank you.

Wow!

Oh, my...

It's vintage.

Oh, Fiona.

- You look stunning. - Thank you. So do you.

My goodness.

Kevin, just went up to his old room.

- Why don't you go say hello? - I'd love to.

Good girl.

Mmm.

[sighs]

Fiona, what are you doing here? I'm dressing.

Why don't you let me give you a hand with that?

Give it up, Fiona.

You know, you and I had a very strong bond once.

No, you and I had very strong drinks once.

That's not true.

Kiss me. I'll remind you how good it was.

What are you doing?

I'm engaged. I'm happy.

It's gonna fit!

Why did she get me such a small dress?

I have two asses.

[groans]

It'll fit. There we go.

Okay.

Okay! Okay!

What's it about her that's so special?

I dunno. But I plan on spending the rest of my life finding out.

[whispers] Kevin!

God! Men in love are really hot.

Fiona!

Oops! Um.

I was just giving Kevin a congratulatory kiss.

Don't, uh, worry.

Why would I worry? He's a gay, right?

Charlie!

Charlie, that was not what it looked like.

I'm going home.

I destroyed priceless couture.

I embarrassed myself

in front of 70% of the world's royalty.

Oh! I forgot, yeah!

I just caught you making out with your ex-girlfriend.

Charlie, let me explain.

Ugh! It doesn't matter.

[whimpers]

I can't do this.

I don't belong here, Kevin.

And if I don't belong here then maybe we don't--

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to me.

It's you and me now.

This isn't my world anymore.

You're my world.

Okay?

Now, let's get the hell out of here. I'm taking you home.

Okay.

Um...

Let me try and get out of this dress and then...

Okay, see you downstairs.

[guests chattering]

♪ There's a million miles to go ♪

♪ Till our happiness lives ♪

♪ There's a million miles to go ♪

♪ Till our happiness lives ♪

- Do you like it? - Yeah, it's great.

I'm so glad you finally decided to do it.

I don't know. I just woke up and it just felt like home.

I'm gonna do all three walls.

I think it's time to take a break.

Oh, wait!

- Wait a minute. - Woo-hoo-hoo!

I can't let it dry too much.

Oh, God!

Are we getting out of bed today, Camille?

What for?

I could die, and nobody would care.

I would.

You promised me a face-lift.

Sit down, Ruby. Sit with me. Hold my hand.

Have you got anything on the girl yet?

Nothing. Nada.

No criminal record. No debt.

Good grades. Went to design school.

And then a string of odd jobs.

Isn't that exactly what somebody with a past does?

What about drugs? What about promiscuity?

She's had fewer lovers in her entire life

than you did at closing day of Woodstock.

Well, find something.

Well, I guess, if I had a hair sample

'maybe I could take it to my crime lab and--'

Perfect.

I'll get to work on it.

Listen to me. There is nothing.

Has it ever occurred to you, that maybe she's a good girl?

Oh, don't joke.

I'd like to speak to that woman who got back from the loony bin.

Is she around?

Because you are taking me for a spin in the crazy mobile.

Ruby, Ruby.

Everybody knows that when a woman marries a man

she marries his mother too, right?

What if I drive her crazy?

Okay, now you're foaming at the mouth.

[laughing]

[phone rings]

[laughs]

Charlie and Kevin's house.

Oh, I forgot you live there.

[laughs]

I-I-I didn't realize that you had already moved in.

Kevin, stop it. I'm on the phone with your mother!

'I'm sorry, Viola.'

The slut's practically fornicating with him!

I don't blame her. That boy's a fine piece of ass.

Hold on, Viola. He's.. Stop it. Right here.

Actually, Charlie, the reason I'm calling is

I wondered if you'd like to have lunch next week.

- Really? - How about Tuesday?

'Yeah, Tuesday's perfect!'

Listen, Viola, I'm kind of in the middle of something now

um, but Tuesday's fine.

Yeah, me too. Lots to do!

'Okay, bye!'

Oh.

I'll go get the vodka.

[classical music]

[crowd chattering]

(Viola) It's good to see you.

There she is.

Charlotte.

(Viola) Hi. I'm going to have the garden salad

and the low-cal Chinese dressing, and a decaf ice tea.

- 'And you, miss?' - Oh, um, I'll just have a...

Cheeseburger with fries and a soda.

- 'Alright.' - Okay.

You continue to surprise me.

Aren't you worried about fitting in your wedding dress?

I mean, I'm making the dress to fit my body

not the other way around.

I wish I'd been that confident when I got married.

One thing you're gonna have that I never did.

A stupendous wedding.

And it's important that we book the church right away.

I always thought that Kevin looked like Jesus

in the cathedral down on 2nd street. Mmm.

Actually, we were thinking of having

a non-denominational service

being that I'm more spiritual than religious.

Oh.

What about my place then?

That way we don't even need to book a location.

And Kevin was born there and grew up there.

Oh, it would mean so much to him. I'll plan it all.

We'll have that marvelous band that the Swansons' had

at their wedding. And a divine cake. Oh, honey!

No, no, no! Tsk, tsk, tsk!

Chewing, it's a disgusting habit.

[sighs]

Oh, hold still. I've gotta-gotta...

- There! Got it! - Ow!

'Thanks, um.'

What do you think about peach?

- Oh, um, excuse me. - Yes?

Can I get another salad without the nuts?

- I have allergies. - Okay.

I'm allergic to nuts, and eggs, and shellfish

and blueberries. Oh, and soy.

It's amazing you've been able to nourish yourself

all these years.

Oh, yeah! The cake!

I'm thinking traditional vanilla with strawberry drizzle.

Look, Viola, I really do have all of this under control.

I made this for you. It's your wedding planner book. Peach.

[laughs]

Oh.

Is that a picture of me and Kevin?

Oh, and Present time from your new mama!

Thanks.

[chuckles]

Wow!

Big! You can see the thorns on the roses.

You'll wear it on your wedding day, just like I did.

Of course I was a virgin when I wed.

But we'll just pretend with you.

Now, about the wedding...

Both of you are going to arrive in a horse and carriage.

And the driver's top-hat will match the horse's saddles

and the ribbons on the doves

that will be released at the exact moment

of "I do." Hmm?

And I've been in touch with your bridesmaids.

How do you know their names?

Well, Kevin told me. And I think for the honeymoon

St. Bart's is the absolute best place for you to go.

- 'Cause Kevin adores it. - Hey, just hold on!

Just wait a minute, okay?

No.

Thank you, but no.

Thank you, but no to everything.

No to the horse and buggy.

No to the top-hats, and to the doves and geese

and any other farm animals you're thinking of using.

And definitely no to you planning our honeymoon.

- What? - Oh, no.

I can.. Oh!

- Oh, oh! - What's wrong?

- "Oh, no" what? - My pills. My pills!

Okay. Well, let me help you.

- Oh! - Viola!

- Oh, no! - Wait, Viola!

- Oh. - 'Viola!'

- Viola! - 'Oh.'

Oh, my God, Viola. Oh, my God!

(female #3) 'Give her some room.'

Help!

(woman #3) 'My God! Is she dead?'

- No! - Get her some help.

It couldn't be that easy.

(Kevin) She's had an anxiety attack

which can feel like a heart attack.

She's gonna be okay.

But she definitely needs to take it easy. No stress.

She said that you were yelling at her that

you refused her gift and said she couldn't plan our wedding.

Tell me that's not true.

Well, technically... yes.

But, hold on. I didn't yell at her.

And she just kept pushing and pushing and pushing.

Okay, I admit it. I snapped a little bit. But...

What was I to do? She wouldn't take no for an answer.

Come on, you know what a hard time she's been having.

- She's a little difficult. - Difficult?

A two-year-old is difficult.

- She's like-- - Come on. She's all alone.

I'm all she's got... We're all she's got.

Come on.

(Doctor) Excuse me.

I'm Dr. Chamberlain, the psychiatrist in residence.

- Are you Mrs. Field's son? - Yes.

- May we speak in private? - This is my fiance.

We can talk. Um, is she okay?

Well, I just completed your mother's interview

and I'm concerned.

'It's possible that she's on the verge of a psychotic break.'

I should probably see her at least twice a week. Minimum.

Also, I prescribed her some anti-anxiety medication.

If she starts to feel overwhelmed, they'll relax her.

Does she live alone?

Uh, yeah.

I feel it would be best if she were cared for by relatives

people that are closest to her during this time.

'Just until we're confident that she's out of danger.'

Alright. Well, thank you, doctor.

Oh, God.

I've got that medical conference.

What am I gonna do?

You know what? Don't-don't worry about it.

Um, I'll take care of her.

Thank you.

- Come on. - What?

- Come with me. - No, the doctor said no stress.

- Charlie. Enough already. - I'll stay here.

Kevin!

[whines]

(Kevin) Come on.

I am so sorry.

No, mom, don't be. It's okay, really.

Charlie?

I'm sorry too, Viola.

No, I was too pushy.

No. You weren't. Look, Viola.

I would love it if you would help me with the wedding.

It's alright, sweetheart, I...

I don't really think I'm up to it.

My nerves are shot.

Mom.

Mom, Charlie and I think you should live with us for a while

until you feel better.

Are you sure?

Oh!

Oh, I can't possibly.

- I couldn't. - Mom, it's okay. Relax.

[oxygen hisses]

I couldn't possibly.

Not unless I know Charlotte's forgiven me.

Will you?

Me?

Yeah, I forgive you.

You just put those anywhere.

- Hi! - Hi.

- Are you feeling better? - I'm much better, thank you.

- Great. - Sweetheart, I'm thirsty.

- Is the kitchen there? - Yeah, sure.

Okay.

- Hey, Charlie. - Are you moving in, too?

No, I don't like the neighborhood.

Look, do you have any firearms in the house?

- No. - You might want to get one.

(Charlie) 'When will you be back?'

Soon as I can, honey. I promise.

Are you sure you're gonna be okay?

Yeah. I mean, hey, it's only at night, right?

And, I mean, she's gonna sleep most of the time

with those pills the doctor gave her. Right?

Look, I know my mom can be a little challenging.

You have any problems just call me.

I'm on the first flight back. I promise.

Okay. Well, hurry home.

And who knows? By the time I get back

maybe you two will be best friends.

Oh, am I interrupting something?

- Uh, no, mom, come in. - The caterer called.

He still thinks I'm doing the wedding.

He sent a sample plate 'cause I gave him the colors you wanted.

I said absolutely no peach.

And from now on, everything goes through my new daughter.

Thank you.

Yeah? Okay, I'll be right down, thanks.

- Oh, here. Look. - Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.

- Thank you. - Oh, I'm glad you like it.

- Thanks. - My car's here. Gotta go.

- Bye, mom. - Okay.

Oh, bye, sweetie. Oh, it's gonna be fun.

- We're gonna have a good time. - I love you.

I'll be a good roommate. I promise.

[chuckles]

It's so nice to have a girlfriend.

Yeah, huh?

[Viola wailing]

Viola?

- Are you alright? - I can't sleep.

I feel so alone.

'I do.'

You're not alone. I'm here.

[sobbing]

Did you take your pills?

My pills? Oh, no. I forgot.

Could you get them for me, sweetie? They're on the sink.

Sure.

Here they are.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Oh, I don't have any water. Could you get some water please?

Okay.

Oh, I can't drink out of the tap.

Would you get me some Evian... with ice?

Yeah.

[sniffs]

[feigns crying]

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

You have a good night, okay?

Charlotte?

'I hate to ask you this but it's my first night here.'

Could you stay with me?

'Please?'

'Sleep with me. Be a good girl.'

Huh? No, no, no!

No, no, don't!

God! Viola!

- Are you okay? - No, let go of me, you!

[groaning]

No.

[barking]

Huh? Oh! Okay. Okay.

[sniffing]

[timer dings]

Hi, how was your day?

It was... okay.

- 'Wonderful!' - You're cooking?

I wanted to make you dinner all by myself.

- 'Sit.' - 'Okay.'

It's steak and kidney pie.

Actually, the steak didn't defrost, so it's mostly kidney.

Mmm!

- Do you like it? - Mm-hm!

I made a decision today.

I called my lawyer and I asked him to redo my will.

Want to include my new daughter.

Really, Viola, that's not necessary.

Oh, don't be silly. I want to.

They have all these stupid questions that they want to ask.

You know, like, "Are you currently an illegal alien?"

Oh, uh, no.

Oh, that's interesting. Okay.

Are there any hereditary illnesses in your family?

You know, the kind that could be passed on to grandchildren?

- Uh, no. - No.

How many men have you been sexually active with?

What? Why would they want to know that?

That many, huh?

Would you be willing to sign a prenuptial agreement?

Ugh!

- Excuse me? - I know.

They're such nosy bastards. It's none of their business.

- Let's deal with this later. - No, why don't we do it now?

[thud] 'Oh!'

I'll tell you what, I'll clean up the kitchen

and you continue enjoying your dinner.

No, no, no.

You did all the cooking. I'll clean up.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

I am kind of tired. Thanks.

Well, I'll just go up to bed then.

I had kind of a difficult night last night.

[softly] You had a difficult night?

[announcer speaks Spanish]

(male #3) 'He's skidding out of control. This bus is out of control.'

[Lucy yells]

'Is somebody there?'

(female #4) 'Tina.'

(male #4) 'Tina.'

'Who the hell is that?'

[eerie music]

[wolf howls]

[both scream]

[Viola laughs]

Oh, my God.

- I thought you were sleeping. - Well, I couldn't sleep.

Hmm? What do you think of my outfit?

This is a ceremonial robe given to me by chairman Mao.

These go with the robe.

This was a birthday gift from the Dalai Lama.

'He never forgot my birthday.'

Of course now he doesn't care anymore.

- Do you mind if I sit with you? - No.

- Just for a little while. - Okay.

Why is she running?

Well, someone's chasing her.

'Why is he chasing her?'

- I'm not sure. - Well, who is he?

I don't know. We have to watch.

- You have to stop talking. - Mmm.

Don't you hate what she's wearing?

Running out there with bare feet and what is that, a pajama top?

It's so unrealistic.

I once did a whole segment on nighttime television.

You would not believe.

How much the demographics influence the networks.

It's ridiculous. All they care about is the bottom line.

It's so nice to sit with family, and do nothing.

Don't even need to talk. It's wonderful.

I miss so much being a working mom.

I used to bring Kevin to the set.

He met, Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.

Anybody famous in this movie? I don't know any of them.

They look the same... all the girls

have the same body, the boys have the same hair.

[Charlie dreaming] ...so many beautiful people live in Los Angeles?

I think all the beautiful genes ended up in California.

Why is he kissing her? It's beyond me.

[air horn blares]

I'm sorry. I thought it was air freshener.

[cackling]

[phone ringing]

- Charlie? - Dr. Patel's office.

Miss Reynolds?

Hi.

Yeah.

Nope. Okay.

Bye.

(Kevin) 'Oh, God. I-I'm sorry.'

'You know what? That's probably my fault.'

I mean, I never thought she'd...

I mean, she's a little eccentric, you know?

- I'm sorry. - Well, it doesn't matter.

I don't wanna talk about mom tonight. I wanna talk about us.

- I miss you. - I miss you too.

Especially now when I'm in the tub...

...naked and wet... and naked.

Really?

'You know what I'd do to you if I was there?'

- What? - 'Well, for starters.'

(Viola) Charlie!

- I'm not looking. - 'Hello?'

(Viola) 'Just wanted to return your shampoo.'

You should use a shampoo that doesn't dry your hair.

We don't want a bride with straw under her veil.

- Oh, is that Kevin? - Yeah, it is.

- Honey, your mom wants to talk. - 'Sweetie, hi.'

Hi, mom.

Oh, honey, I can't thank you both enough.

I'm having the most wonderful time.

- 'How's Charlie?' - Oh, she's been a doll.

We've been girlfriends all week.

- 'Great.' - I'm gonna be sad to go home.

You do? You never know what the future's gonna bring, right?

I mean, I do love this neighborhood.

In fact, you know, two doors down.

'There's this house for sale.'

'It's got two big bay windows.'

And a great rose garden. You know, I love rose gardens.

And basically, it's got my name all over it.

'I'm having my-my, um'

'real estate guy look into it.'

She's buying a house here?

Two doors away.

(as Viola) "Lovely property. Beautiful bay windows."

It's bullshit!

She doesn't even like this neighborhood.

Ugh. God, I'm so exhausted.

She's driving me insane!

- 'I can't do this.' - Yes, you can!

Stop being such a big baby.

Kevin is the best thing that ever happened to you.

Charlie, do not give up on this one.

It seems mommy dearest has been keeping

a very close eye on you, sweetie.

What are you talking about? What are you doing in her clothes?

I was just upstairs in her room minding my own business.

And I found all of this in her closet.

She's been investigating you.

Whoa. Why does she have your high school transcripts?

There's a picture of me at the beach?

- Yes, it is. - I can't believe that.

There's another picture of you in here.

And it's... look.

Look. It's like a close-up.

You have to be close to take that, right?

Look at all this Gucci!

It's just Gucci, Gucci, Gucci!

She has skin caviar. This stuff sells for $400 a jar.

- I've heard that. I want a try. - Here.

- Mmm. - Doesn't that smell good?

Ooh, hello.

What are these?

Those are just her anti-anxiety pills.

- Ooh, these are good. - Really?

They'd knock out a horse. I have these at home.

- You do? - Wait.

I don't know what these are. They're not what I take.

They smell like oranges or something.

- Are you sure? - 'Yeah.'

Let me see.

Hi, Andy. It's Charlie.

No, I'm not working for Dr. Patel's office this week.

But I had a question. Yeah, about some pills.

Can I stop by?

(Viola) 'Charlie, I'm having a bit of a bad day.'

'So Ruby's gonna take me to see Dr. Chamberlain.'

Okay! You take care!

[door closes]

Let's see what you're up to.

- There you go. - Thank you so much.

- And thank you. - Wear that, sister.

Okay, now Cartier is one right down.

- Where's Niketown? - 'What?'

- 'Niketown.' - 'Niketown?'

Bad day, my ass.

(Charlie) 'Wait a minute.'

'Dr. Chamberlain?'

Alright.

[cell phone ringing]

Hello? Hey, Andy.

Yeah, wh-what are they?

Chewable vitamin Cs, huh?

'Okay, thanks.'

I know. I can't believe the wedding's only a week away.

No, we do the final walk-through on Monday.

Oh! Wait a minute. I think I hear her car.

Drop my stuff at my house, okay?

(Ruby) 'Alright. Look crazy.'

[snarling]

[barking]

Charlie!

Ch-ch-ch...

Ch-ch-ahh... Charlie!

I had to bring him home with me today. He's harmless.

Sit. No! No. No.

- No, Zorro! Sit! - Argh.

[sighs]

Is that expensive?

[whines]

It was.

[growls]

Sorry!

[gasps]

[dogs barking]

[glass shatters]

Oh!

'Charlie!'

Bonus.

Good boy. Come on.

Come on.

Mmm.

Hello, old friend.

Viola!

You can't mix alcohol with your pills!

I'm a little upset as you can imagine.

Well, I know that and I'm sorry

but your doctor said if you're feeling upset

then you should take your pills, not alcohol.

So you relax. I'll get them.

Shit.

Here we go.

This will make you feel better. Drink up.

Now I hope you like what I made.

'It's one of my mother's specialties.'

- What's that? - Tripe.

It's a delicacy.

Try it.

[echoes] It's like nothing you've ever tasted.

Trust me.

So, Kevin called.

He's coming home tomorrow. I can't wait.

I'm so excited. I miss him so much.

Maybe the three of us go to lunch tomorrow.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a great idea, too.

I'll make reservations.

It'll be so much fun.

Don't you just love being girlfriends?

[snoring]

Night-night, sleep tight.

[snoring]

'And good morning to you, too.'

(Charlie) 'Ruby, is that you?'

In here!

Oh, my God. Is she alright?

I thought she went to bed.

I don't know, I haven't seen her like this

since "The View" won an Emmy.

I wish I could stay and help

but I have to go pick up Kevin at the airport.

What?

I underestimated you.

You don't need a gun.

[snoring continues]

I don't know what you're talking about.

Mm-hmm.

Last call!

[gasping]

We'll see you tomorrow night.

Uh, there's a reservation under Fields, Kevin.

Yes, right this way.

I'm so glad my mom and you had a great week.

We did. I learned a lot about her.

So, who's the mystery guest?

Oh, surprise!

I thought your office said we were having lunch alone.

(Charlie) 'I hope you guys forgive me. I just..'

I wanted to talk to you and Kevin together.

(Kevin) 'So, how are you, mom?'

I'm fine. Fine.

Although, I did have a... rather difficult night.

Ooh, it was probably that martini you had.

Mom, you're not supposed to drink alcohol

'with those pills you're taking.'

You know, the truth is I owe you an apology.

You know, I was so insensitive to your feelings

about wanting to help with the wedding.

Oh, it's ancient history.

A young bride doesn't want the opinions of an old widow.

No, no, that is not true.

You're going to be my mom soon.

And a grandma shortly after, hopefully.

[laughs]

And I want you to know that I'll do anything it takes

to make this relationship work.

That said...

Will you be my maid, I mean, my matron of honor?

Charlie, that's-that's amazing.

- 'Mom, what do you say?' - But, uh...

Morgan is gonna be your maid of honor.

Oh, no, she has graciously relinquished her title to you.

And I had this specially made up.

A dress in your favorite color, peach.

- Come on, open it. - Well, that's...

[sighs]

I-I don't think I can.

Mom, I think it's a great idea.

I just don't think I'm up to it.

I don't. I've got to talk to my doctor.

I called him. Yeah. He said it was a great idea.

- You called my psychiatrist? - Mm-hmm.

In fact, we had lunch at The Ivy.

Well, anyway.

He said, considering this turning point in your life

you know, losing so much so suddenly

that being involved in the future

would be the best therapy in the world.

Careful. You know those are strong.

You know, we... are your future.

And we want you to be part of it.

I can have a list of duties for you tomorrow.

[sobbing] No.

M-mom. Mom.

(Kevin) 'Mom, don't cry.'

Here.

[sniffs]

Charlie.

[sobbing]

(Charlie) 'I didn't think I'd be this emotional.'

(Kevin) Mom, here. Can I?

(Viola) Oh, oh!

Oh, thank you, baby. I love you.

- I love you too. - I love you too!

I love you too, mom.

Kevin, why don't you give your mom and I a moment alone?

Yes, of course.

[continues sobbing]

Just so you know, the crying bits are getting old.

Just so you know, Kevin likes his girls thin.

Oh! Well, I can always get liposuction.

I've been meaning to ask. Is it painful?

[laughs] That maid of honor bit. Priceless!

You know what they say.

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer.

- Oh. - Now you listen to me.

This is my game now.

You're gonna tell Kevin you are not moving

into our neighborhood, and that you've decided

that you're feeling like it's time

that you go on with your own life!

You're moving out of our house immediately.

This is over!

[guffaws]

Oh!

This isn't over. Not even close, girlie!

Well, bring it on, grandma.

Phew! That little bitch!

Let's go someplace near the ocean and drink lunch.

[groans]

What?

You know exactly what.

Move!

Move! Move!

What's wrong with you?

I am sick. I am sick, sick, sick of your shit.

And I when I'm not sick, I'm tired.

I am sick and tired.

What are you saying?

Damn you and your luggage!

Ruby, you're not going to leave me too, are you?

No, I'm not leaving you!

You old slut!

Ruby!

Ruby, please--

Hey, you almost forgot your dress!

You'll have nothing to wear at the wedding.

- Uh. - See you, Ruby!

Maybe we can get you a matching bonnet.

See you at the rehearsal dinner!

[gasps]

Motherf--

[jazz music]

(Ruby) So, how's the bride-to-be holding up?

Under the circumstances, I'd say mediocre. But she's tough.

Not as tough as the old bird.

Wh-what does that mean?

For your own safety, make sure you know

where the emergency exits are at all times.

(Kevin) 'Hey, are you and my mom okay?'

Great. I just have a little of the pre-wedding nerves

but everything is under control.

Of course.

Hello, everyone!

Welcome to the rehearsal dinner.

[applause]

- My God, she looks amazing. - I know.

Oh!

Father Tyson.

- 'Hello, Blaire.' - 'Hello.'

Kit, how are you?

Hello, hello.

- Oh, you are Morgan. - 'Yes.'

I have heard so much about your delicious catering service.

Oh! Oh, wow!

I have a lot of friends. You're going to be a busy girl.

- And, you're Remy. - Yeah.

I recognize you from all the wonderful things

Charlie's told me about you.

Wow. Well, Ms. Fields, I have to say--

- Oh, call me Viola. I insist. - Viola.

Alright, I'm gonna go get a drink.

Okay.

I'm such a huge fan.

- Oh, you-- - Oh, it's...

Well, mi casa-es su casa. Make yourself at home.

- Thank you. Bye, Viola. - Cheers.

- Goodbye. - I like her a lot. Hi.

- Hey! - Hi!

You guys have a nice little chit-chat?

She came over and started talking to us.

- Did you want us to ignore her? - Yes!

Getting her autograph would be completely out of the question?

[laughing]

- Was that yes? - No.

(Viola) 'So there I was sitting next to the Sultan of Brunei'

with Maureen Dowd, Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.

You know the story, Kevin.

I told Snoop, "Snoop, I think your lyrics

are sometimes a little sexist and unfair to women."

And the Sultan of Brunei said, "Really? I have 114 wives

and they're all huge fans of the Dogg!"

[all laughing]

[doorbell ringing]

Honey, would you see who's at the door?

Sure.

These are delicious, Viola.

- Oh, Kit, I'm glad you like it. - Mm, yeah.

[door shutting]

Look who's here. It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Oh, my God! It's Dr. Chamberlain.

(Charlie) 'Hi! Everybody, it's Dr. Chamberlain!'

Hi. Good evening. Thanks so much for inviting me.

Oh, shit!

(Charlie) 'That's Dr. Chamberlain. He's Viola's doctor.'

We're going to need another place setting.

Oh, please, let me get that.

There's a chair in the living room, sweetie.

Scooch down, you guys. Come on, make room.

(Charlie) 'You guys move down.'

Cheers. Thank you.

Who's he?

[whispers] It's Viola's therapist.

(Charlie) 'Move down, you guys!'

- Excuse me. - No problem.

- 'Here is your chair, doctor.' - 'Here. Have mine, too.'

- Hello. - Hi.

Hi.

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

(Remy) 'So you just got here?'

- You expecting anyone else? - Uh-huh.

- Hello, everybody! - 'Fiona!'

I'm so glad to see you.

(Fiona) I just couldn't resist bringing the happy couple a little gift.

[Viola laughs]

(Viola) 'That's great. I will get you a place setting.'

(Kit) 'She's bringing a gift? I think she is the gift.'

What the hell is she doing here?

- How about some more wine? - Yeah!

How much longer do we have to stay?

I have midterms tomorrow.

[coughs] Shh.

- Oh, I get it. - No, baby, not now, okay?

It's not the time.

So, Dr. Chamberlain. Tell us about med school.

'Where did you do your residency?'

Uh, now that's-that's a long story.

'Your guests don't want to hear that.'

(Charlie) 'We really do.'

I think we need some more gravy.

What is going on? What are you doing?

- I'm behaving. - Viola, no!

You can't! Charlie's allergic to nuts!

Give it to me!

[groans]

[objects clattering]

Viola, you're crazy.

[drawer thuds]

[gasps]

[groans]

Oh, get up.

Put the gravy down or I'm telling Kevin.

Yeah!

What's the big deal? So her face swells up--

- Swells up a little. So what? - Swells up a little?

Her face will blow up like a Macy's Day balloon.

Well, good. It'll match the other body parts!

Viola, think about what you're doing.

'Come on, the girl's getting married tomorrow.'

(Viola) 'Ruby, when did you lose your edge?'

(Ruby) 'Right after you lost your mind.'

Come on.

Alright. Okay. No nuts. Come on.

Viola, I think you dislocated my vagina.

- Where's the-- - Where's the what?

Gravy? More gravy?

(Chamberlain) 'Anyone for more gravy?'

Oh, I am not doing time for you! Where's the back door?

Stay cool, Ruby! This is no time to lose your nerve.

If we get arrested, I'll sing like a canary.

Maybe she won't take any gravy.

- That's a lot of gravy. - Mmm!

(Charlie) 'This gravy's delicious!'

[both gasp]

You-you gotta go stop her!

- Stop her. Go stop her. - You go, you go, you go.

Why me? You're the culprit? You go!

- You're my assistant. - What am I supposed to do?

Stick my finger down her throat?

Yeah.

[groans]

Baby, are you okay?

(Charlie) 'My tongue feels weird. Something's wrong!'

(Morgan) 'Charlie, are you okay?'

- What are we gonna do now? - Hide the damn nuts!

- 'Are you alright?' - Get her some water.

[Charlie coughing]

Flat or sparkling?

The caterer says he doesn't know how this could have happened.

Well, I feel like I ate a loaf of nuts.

I mean even my tongue is swollen.

You're marrying a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth.

It's not bad really besides the swelling is going down.

- Yeah? - Hey, Kev.

Just coming to check on the bride-to-be--

For the love of God.

- Out! - You see?

I told you it looks terrible. I told you.

I promise you. In 24 hours, the swelling will be gone.

Give me that!

[sighs]

[knocking]

Door was open.

Oh, thank God. The bride of Frankenstein is gone.

I know.

I was up half the night worrying. You look great.

I don't know how those nuts got in there.

Yeah.

Hmm. Wait.

Hey, do you think she would...

- No! - No! Come on.

I mean, she's crazy, but she's not like, psycho-killer crazy.

Hmm.

No!

Oh, hey, I was wondering. Could I bring a date to your wedding?

Of course. My God. How exciting.

Great. Thanks. So then, I'll see you later.

But-but, w-wait!

- Who is he? Tell me! - Oh, it's...

Okay, don't be mad. It's Dr. Chamberlain.

(Remy) 'Actually Paul.'

- Is that his real name? - 'That's very funny.'

I gotta go get a mani, pedi and my eyebrows waxed.

But I'll see you in a couple hours.

- Let me go down with you. - Okay.

Oh, God.

She added even more ruffles!

Where's your prom date, senorita?

Wait a minute. This is too damn good. Where's my camera?

This is just too good.

Will you just get me out of this, right now?

Come here.

- 'Cheers.' - Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Hey, guys, let's go see how Charlie's doing.

Ah, yes, please.

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God. Those are so much better than mine.

Don't... touch me!

I got out of that car the same way I got in it, without you.

Now where is she?

You here with the bride or the groom?

I'm here with my mother.

Oh.

[speaking foreign language]

She looked a lot older.

(Remy) Well, look what we have here.

'Oh, my God.'

You look beautiful. Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God. - This is it!

Yeah!

- Did you talk to the priest? - 'I talked to him.'

He's going to skip right over "if anyone should object" part.

Okay.

You're a vision in white, sweetie, really.

Knock knock. Look at you!

And so is your mother-in-law.

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

Alright. Everybody, out.

(Remy) 'Out. Give the bride a moment.'

- No way. - What?

[door closes]

What is that?

- What? - Where's your bridesmaid dress?

Oh, I gave it to Ruby's daughter.

She works at Hooters. She was thrilled.

I don't have a daughter.

Oh.

Rude.

Take off that white dress right now

or I'll take it off for you.

Don't you tell me what to do!

You did not just poke me!

Don't you touch me, you two-bit tramp!

Oh, my God! Viola, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to--

You don't go and slap somebody then apologize.

Get some backbone!

God! This is crazy!

Why don't you just face it?

I'm marrying Kevin and there's nothing you can do about it.

You face it! You'll never be good enough for him!

Didn't stop you from marrying my son.

- Oh, God, no. - 'Well, look at you.'

All in white.

You are so predictable.

Oh, Gertrude. I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't? Wonder why. Oh, I know.

You didn't send me an invitation!

I thought you were dead.

But evil doesn't die so easily.

I heard you got sacked and thrown into a loony bin.

My congratulations.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

These hors d'oeuvres taste like old socks.

Now, I want to get an up-close look at the bride.

(Gertrude) Holy Toledo!

You are a stunner!

'My grandson is a lucky fella. Look what he did.'

He went out and found himself an exotic Latina!

Wouldn't have my son had been that lucky.

Here we go again.

What? You were a television weatherwoman

in Dubuque, Montana.

'You drove around in a broken-down minivan'

and you drank red wine from a box!

- Classy. - You killed him, you know?

- What? - You killed him.

'All the doctors agreed.'

My son died of terminal disappointment!

If anybody killed him, you did.

You smothered him to death!

Nobody was ever good enough for him!

My God, you look old!

Fine.

This woman is going to drive me insane.

Now, I'd rather not take all the credit.

You'll get over it.

- I love you. - You're kidding.

This is never gonna end, is it?

'I mean, that's going to be me and you in 30 years.'

'We'll be doing the exact same thing.'

You know what?

I wanted to marry Kevin 'cause we make each other happy.

'But you're never gonna let that happen.'

Are you?

Oh, my God. I can't believe I'm saying this.

You win, Viola.

What do you mean?

The wedding's off.

Bye, Ruby.

I cannot believe she compared me to Gertrude.

I know. Now that's just wrong.

- Thank you. - You are far worse.

I don't recall Gertrude ever trying to poison you.

And I'm pretty sure she wore black to your wedding.

Black. Yeah, she said she was in mourning.

Mm-hmm.

I just want my son to be happy.

Whatever made you think he wasn't?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Don't you know it's bad luck to see the...

Charlie, what's wrong?

(Kevin) 'What is it? Are you nervous?'

Hey.

- Kevin, I need-- - 'Charlie.'

I need to talk to you.

- Viola, stop it! - 'It's the flower girls.'

- They're drunk again. - What?

- Yeah, in the toilet. - Not now, Viola, okay?

It's-it's really important.

Mom, just give us a minute. She'll be right there.

Please?

Charlie, what is it?

I'll be right back.

What do you want, Viola?

I don't want you to walk out on this wedding.

- You don't? - No, I don't.

What, am I supposed to believe that you've had some epiphany?

That all of the sudden, everything's gonna be different.

It's never been about you, Charlie. It's me.

(Viola) 'I'm so afraid of losing him.'

He's the only family I've got.

This is my chance for a family, too.

- 'And I'm scared.' - Oh!

Don't blow your chance for happiness.

You've never needed my approval.

He's loved you from the very beginning.

And I promise I will get out of the way

and let the two of you be happy.

That's not what I want.

I mean, there just has to be some boundaries, Viola.

I can do boundaries!

I don't love boundaries, but I can do them.

How about the number of times you call Kevin a day?

Can we limit that to, like, one?

Oh, I need at least four, minimum.

- He's 35 years old. - Three?

- Two. - Deal.

Two long-ass calls!

When Kevin and I have kids.

He and I will decide how they're raised.

Alright. But you know I have raised one wonderful boy.

- And my advice could be very-- - Will be solicited when needed.

Alright, as long as one kid is named after me.

- Middle name. - Deal.

What else?

Holidays and special occasions.

Are you gonna keep me away?

You must be present for every Christmas

Thanksgiving, birthday

school play, clarinet recital

and soccer game in our kids' lives.

I want you to love them and spoil them

and teach them things that Kevin and I can't.

Like how to throw a right hook, for example.

I want you there, Viola.

I do, up front and center.

On this point, I will not negotiate.

Damn. That girl can give a nice little speech.

Deal?

Oh.

Can they call me "Aunt Viola" instead of "Grandma?"

Fine.

Come on, unzip me.

Viola, you don't have to wear that dress, really.

Yes, I do. Really.

[all cheering] Go, Kevin and Charlie!

Yeah!

(Kevin) 'Mom!'

Do you really think I would leave without saying goodbye?

I love you, mom.

- Thanks for everything. - Go.

(female #5) 'Bye, you guys!'

Okay, everybody gather around the back of the car!

(female #6) 'Charlie!'

'Charlie, right here! Right here, Charlie!'

[crowd cheering]

Sheesh.

Hawaii! I cannot wait!

I know. I can't either.

(Morgan) 'Have a great time in Hawaii!'

- Good luck! - Have fun in Hawaii!

Just you and me now, Ruby!

Jesus. Who did I kill in a past life?

And take off that damn dress.

You look like a giant peach cobbler.

(Ruby) 'You're making me hungry.'

Come on, weathergirl, I'll buy you a box of wine.

Ha ha ha.

[mimicking Viola] Ha ha.

[Stevie Wonder singing "For Once In My Life."]

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Someone I needed so long ♪

♪ For once, unafraid ♪

♪ I can go where life leads me ♪

♪ Somehow I know I'll be strong ♪

♪ For once, I can touch ♪

♪ What my heart used to dream of ♪

♪ Long before I knew ♪

♪ Oh, someone warm like you ♪

♪ Would make my dream come true ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ For Once In My Life I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt before ♪

♪ For once, I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ I'm not alone ♪

♪ For once, I can say ♪

♪ This is mine, you can't take it ♪

♪ As long as I know I have love I can make it ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ Ah-hah-hah, hey, yeah ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ All I need is love, baby ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ Make our dreams come true ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ Not like it hurt before ♪

♪ For once, I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can say ♪

♪ This is mine, you can't take it ♪

♪ Long as I know I have love I can make it ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Somebody that needs me ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ For Once In My Life ♪

[Madeleine Peyroux singing "Don't Wait Too Long"]

♪ You can cry a million tears ♪

♪ You can wait a million years ♪

♪ If you think that time will change your ways ♪

♪ Don't Wait Too Long ♪

♪ When your morning turns to night ♪

♪ Who'll be loving you by candlelight? ♪

♪ If you think that time will change your ways ♪

♪ Don't Wait Too Long ♪

♪ Maybe I've got a lot to learn ♪

♪ Time can slip away ♪

♪ Sometimes you've gotta lose it all ♪

♪ Before you find your way ♪

♪ Take a chance and play your part ♪

♪ Make romance ♪

♪ It might break your heart ♪

♪ But if you think the time will change your ways ♪

♪ Don't Wait Too Long ♪

♪ Baby, you and I've got a lot to learn ♪

♪ Don't want to waste another day ♪

♪ Maybe you gotta lose it all ♪

♪ Before you find your way ♪

♪ Take a chance ♪

♪ Play your part ♪

♪ Make romance, it might break your heart ♪

♪ But if you think the time will change your ways ♪

♪ Don't Wait Too Long ♪

♪ Don't wait ♪