Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[car engine revving]

[rain pattering]

[engine revving]

[tense music]

[engine revving]

[sighs]

[sword clanging on TV]

[engine revving]

[sword swishing on TV]

[both grunting]

[men grunting]

Ah! Ah!

- Argh! You've-you've killed me! - What?

You're supposed to be on my team.

- Ah. - Latest goodies.

All exclusively available through Melville's Memorabilia.

Hah! All new Queen Zestra!

It's a good one.

Oh, and you've had an upgrade too.

Erm, new costume.

Increased flexibility functions. Yeah.

Oh, mugs and masks for Sword-con in the morning.

And you, my darling, just perfection.

Much better knockers than the actress who plays you.

Uh, Dad! Don't say things like that tomorrow.

[laughs]

[car tires screeching]

[car door shuts]

[footsteps approaching]

[door rattling]

[door shuts]

[door opens]

You're killing me off?

It wasn't my idea.

Jesus! When were you gonna tell me?

Oh, Artie! You knew?

I told them not to. I swear, Mum.

Well, whose idea was this?

We need to boost ratings.

It was pressure from the new commissioner.

We agreed by committee.

What are you, La Cosa Nostra?

Darling,

a high profile murder is gold dust.

Millions will mourn you.

Would you like to see your new doll?

Shut up, Gerry!

Look, fans haven't forgiven you for killing Harkus.

This way, they get sweet justice.

Everyone will be hooked.

[Eddie] It'll be like

"Who Shot JR?"

Who?

[Selene] Who killed Laura Palmer?

It was huge.

[Bridget] Ema, you too?

[Ema speaks in Slovak]

I want a divorce.

Darling, you're overreacting. This isn't about us.

It's business.

And I'm gonna sue you.

- Hah. Bridge, calm down... - And you.

Take your precious dolls and shove 'em up your ass!

Yep...

[door slams shut]

That went well.

[door opens]

[tense music]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[phone vibrating]

[music continues]

[sighs]

See you tomorrow! For the big day.

Watch how you go!

[car engine rumbling]

[gate clanking]

[gate rattling]

[music continues]

[gate rattling]

[gate shuts]

[ominous music]

[Bridget gasps]

[theme music]

[Tez] Ah, please, please!

- Please! Come on, one ticket! - No. And take that off.

[scoffs] That show is fire!

And you could get me VIP access.

I am not getting you a ticket for Sword-Con, Tez.

- Mum... - Because you won't need one.

Because you're coming with me.

Seriously?

- What, you got a guest-list? - No.

I've got an immigrant work ethic.

Which you don't seem to have inherited.

And a debt, which you will inherit.

And if it's not paid off before I die,

I'm gonna come back as something annoying

with very sharp teeth.

You're coming to work for me, Tez.

And get a shower, we leave in ten minutes.

Proper man smell that, look, Mum.

[speaks in Hindi]

["Take Me Away" by Lakewood Cemetery]

♪ I don't wanna leave my home ♪

♪ Now take me away ♪

[Tez] Mum, turn this down!

♪ I know ♪

♪ There's nothing here ♪

♪ I don't wanna leave my home ♪

♪ I don't wanna leave my home ♪

[Tez] Oh my gosh! This is like medieval or something! What!

[vehicle door shuts]

[vehicle door shuts]

Mrs. Sidhu, welcome.

I'm Ema, Housekeeper of Ravenslair.

I'm Tez.

And what a lot of house to keep.

[chuckles] Lovely to meet you, Ema.

This place is sick!

Take that off.

[Ema] You'll be doing the catering

for Mr. Melville, his family, cast of the TV show

and Super-pass holders,

those rich and stupid enough to spend a thousand pounds

to get up close and personal

with the flawed reality of their heroes.

And they've asked you... to wear these.

Here you go, old crone.

Oh, hah, no.

I don't do wrinkles and white hair.

"Beige don't age!" It's a cultural thing.

Also a contractual thing.

Sorry.

[Tez imitating sword swishing]

[dramatic music]

[indistinct PA chatter]

[indistinct chattering]

Huh. Sword-Con, eh?

May it be the first of many.

Yeah, Dad, first of many.

I'm... Zondar the Great.

[Tez laughs]

Welcome, Crone of the South.

What brings you to my castle, peasant?

If you put me on Tik-Tok again,

I am gonna sign up and share

the plop plop clip with the world.

I thought you deleted that?

Delete your first ever potty training video? Hmm?

What else am I gonna show your future fiancé

on our first supper together?

- Oh. You're mental. - Why, thank you, mortal.

[Mrs. Sidhu chuckles]

[indistinct chatter]

[crowd cheering]

[applause]

[clacking]

[applause]

[indistinct chattering]

Have a look, have a look at this...

Thank you so much.

[Tituba] Athdar! Can I get a photo?

Uh, yeah! Of course.

[girls screaming]

[camera shutter clicking]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, babe. - Ah, hi.

Have you seen my new doll?

Given me a boob job, what's that all about?

Ah, you do not need a boob job.

Are you flirting with me, Artie?

I'm just saying, you're perfect as you are.

- I've got no penis. - Really?

Okay.

My doll, it's got no penis.

- Lovely. - No balls either.

We are talking of balls, anyone seen Bridget?

She's not here yet.

Artie, give her a call.

I tried her three times last night

and she's still blanking me.

- And I was against it. - Against what?

Episode ten.

Oh, God, she didn't take it well?

[Selene scoffs]

[instrumental music]

I could be an actor.

You must find the place inside where everything is possible.

How about you try and find the garlic salt instead?

I got the costume on, feel like the character already.

Say a few words, look moody.

Oi! Oh.

Having fans is overrated, believe me.

Got a lot of fans then, granddad?

Eddie Melville. Just a few.

- Right. Yeah, I knew that! - Mm!

You likebhajis, Mr. Melville?

I am so sorry I slapped you.

Mrs. Sidhu, of Sidhu's High Class Catering,

Slough and environs.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Sidhu. I'm Selene, we spoke on the phone.

Oh, hello, Selene, lovely to meet you.

Oh, dear, you do look stressed.

Ginger tea? Or maybe just some gin?

Oh, I wish, thanks, but no, sorry, I've got no time.

Dad, Bridget's still not turned up.

- I don't think she will. - Well, she has to!

She's contractually obliged to do all the press and PA's.

We're on in three minutes! So are you!

Yes, yes. Oh!

Oh, would you like me to follow on with some refreshments?

- You read my mind. - It's what I do.

[Eddie] Whose first?

- Your name? - Tituba. Tituba Hemlock.

[Eddie] T-U...

Argh! Damn. Uh, one moment.

Can't I just use a biro?

[sighs]

Macha macaroon?

Uh, ta.

Crone of the South, nice.

Queen of The East underneath.

Here you are.

[indistinct chatter]

- Hi. - Hello.

- It's so nice to meet you! - Your name?

[Cormac] I mean I've told them numerous times.

I told my agent, I told my PA...

Right, I've just spoken to Bridget's agent,

he's assured me she's on route.

I've delayed entry for ten minutes.

Brilliant, I can go for a slash.

[sighs]

Damn.

[Bridget on voicemail] Hi, it's Bridget, leave a message.

Bridge, you okay?

Where are ya?

Listen, I'm sorry about the...

Look, just give me a call, okay?

[indistinct chatter]

Tez, put the coconut prawns on

and keep an eye on the paneer kebabs.

[Tez on phone] Mum, I'm all over it.

Alright, bye.

[sighing]

[urinating]

Alright, mate, you peaked too early?

[ominous music]

[panting]

Bridge?

[gasping]

[screaming]

Oh, my God!

[Cormac screaming]

[whimpers]

[Cormac sobs]

[Cormac] Oh, my God!

Jesus, Christ on a bike. Bridget.

No, no, no! No, no, don't.

Don't touch anything until Forensics get here.

Who are you?

Mrs. Sidhu, of Sidhu's High Class Catering,

Slough and environs.

[Cormac] Ah, Bridget, Ah!

[tense music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Yes, so you said... - Excuse me, sir.

What you questioning my mum for?

I found the body. Unfortunately.

She's still in shock.

Or maybe fortunately,

because I actually do have a photographic memory.

And you're here as?

- Oh, caterer, chief caterer. - Ah.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct whispering]

What is Sword-Con exactly?

Fan convention, for "Swordmaster."

The TV Series.

It's massive. You haven't heard of it?

Nope.

Maybe you need to broaden your horizons, boss.

[indistinct mumbling]

No, I'm quite happy with my horizons.

[Mint chuckles]

Any suspicious characters, Sergeant?

All of them?

[music continues]

Thanks.

[indistinct chatter]

The Queen is dead.

Found by one Cormac Burn.

He's an actor,

plays Nordis in "Swordmaster."

Forensics estimate time of death

between 11.30 and 12:00 midnight last night.

No sign of a murder weapon.

Suspected to be a knife with a 18 to 20 centimetre blade.

Stab wounds to the gut and chest,

severed carotid arteries.

Oh, God.

That's exactly how Zestra slayed Harkus.

[tense music]

Bridget Anderson played Queen Zestra in "Swordmaster."

Zestra killed her brother, Harkus

by stabbing him in the gut and slitting his throat.

Ah. Copycat killer?

Well, yeah, but the first one wasn't real, so...

Yeah, I'm aware television isn't real.

Of course, sir.

But some people find it harder to differentiate.

- Crazy fan perhaps? - Well, possibly.

[Mrs. Sidhu] Inspector!

What are the chances?

- Mrs. Sidhu? - Seriously?

- And you're here... - Catering. Well, I was.

[Burton] Dressed as?

[both] Crone of the South.

I was actually here when the body was found.

Of course you were.

Hope you've got your mojo back, Inspector.

Mint.

[Mint] What if she's stalking you?

- Oh, very funny. - I'm not joking.

Cormac Byrne?

- I'm DCI Burton. - I'm DS Mint.

We'd like to ask you a few questions.

- Please, take a seat. - Yeah, of course.

[sighs] It's proper weird, this.

Usually it's me doing the questioning.

Played a detective in my last job.

DC Doyle, so I was.

Three series. Anyway, I didn't work for two years after that.

Till "Swordmaster" came along, and that saved my life.

Sorry. Sorry. I'm rambling. Shit.

I'm still shaking.

It's okay, Cormac, try to relax.

[Burton] It must've been horrific

for you to find your co-star like that.

Aye, you could say that.

Did you notice anyone else around when you found her?

No.

Except for the catering lady. Aye, she was there.

Of course.

She heard me screaming apparently.

I can't even remember screaming.

Were you close?

- With Bridget? - Hm.

Did you have a good working relationship?

Yeah, I did, aye.

Bridge was a grafter, no airs and all of that.

Just one of us.

And she was proper talented too.

Do you have any leads, Detective?

Give us a chance.

Look, do you know of anyone who

may have wanted to harm Bridget?

No.

I mean, there are some intense fans.

Zestra was a controversial figure.

She had her fair share of online haters and that.

God, you're not thinking John Lennon, are you?

[instrumental music]

Please be assured we won't rest

until the perpetrator's been found.

Now, given the very nature of the wounds,

we could be looking at a copycat incident.

Carried out by an obsessive fan.

Oh, God.

[Eddie] Every ticket holder had the address.

And whose idea was that?

Do you have CCTV covering the premises?

Only at the entry gate,

but we had full security for the convention.

Too little too late.

Anything at the back, near the woods?

Has there been any trolling,

disturbing behaviour on social media,

any death threats?

- Only from her own family. - Artie...

Could you care to elaborate, please?

They wanted to kill mum off, didn't they?

She got hold of episode ten.

She read her death scene...

and, and if that hadn't happened,

then mum wouldn't have gone out to the woods and

she'd still be here!

[mellow music]

Apologies, Detective. Artie's in a lot of pain.

It's true, we did decide

to kill off Bridget's character, Queen Zestra.

We felt it was the,

the big dramatic moment the series needed.

[Gerry] Zestra was like marmite.

Some fans absolutely loved her.

Others loved to hate her.

Would you show me the footage?

Yeah, of course. Follow me.

Hmm.

Um...

- Chai? - To drink or to wear?

[chuckles] Good one, partner!

Did you know

that Bridget was found dead

next to a doll of her character?

Actors?

Well, don't you think that's weird?

Well, not as weird as bumping into you again dressed like...

Look, why don't we just stick to

what we're being paid for?

Good. Glad you agree.

- [Gerry] Get that down you. - [Stan] Thank you.

[Stan] Dear, oh, dear. It's all too much to take in.

- Where's Eddie? - Locked himself in the study.

Where is the study?

[floorboard creaking]

[pensive music]

[knocking on door]

Hello, it's Mrs. Sidhu

of Sidhu's High Class Catering Slough and environs.

[Eddie] I don't want anything!

I know.

But I do bring cardamon chai and homemade Indian sweets.

Medically proven to be very good for shock.

Thank you.

[groans]

There.

Here you go.

Go on. Plenty more where that came from.

Plenty more.

Doesn't feel real.

This is as if we're all trapped

inside one of my books and can't get out.

Surely you wouldn't write anything so cruel.

I've written events much more cruel.

I feel this is karma.

Oh, yeah, karma. She can be a right bitch.

[coughs]

- I shouldn't laugh. - Why not?

Life is mainly comedy plus tragedy.

And eating through both.

She threatened me with divorce.

Hm. I used to threaten my husband with divorce

every other week, I didn't mean it.

[mellow music]

I'm in a nightmare, Mrs. Sidhu.

Shock, denial, anger,

bargaining, depression, acceptance.

All the stages of grief.

Oh, plus, the wailing if you're Indian. Lots of wailing.

Lots to look forward to then?

Hm.

It's Artie I worry about most.

He dotes on his mother.

[engine revving]

[tense music]

Okay. Stop.

Please go, just go back a bit. Yeah, there.

[Selene] That's just Gerry and Stan leaving.

Yeah. I need to speak to your father.

Okay. I'll take you up.

[keyboard clacking]

[Selene] That's my mum.

She was incredible.

She died when I was twelve.

[Burton] Ah, sorry.

Yeah, me too.

[phone vibrating]

Shit, I've got to take this.

Um, right. Dad's study, straight up there,

second door on the right. You can't miss it.

Thanks.

[Selene] Yeah, hold on.

Yeah, I'm with him now.

[Mrs. Sidhu] You know, in my community, after a bereavement

we all take food around to the grieving family,

so they don't have to cook, but mainly

to show them love.

[knocking on door]

[Burton] Mr. Melville? DCI Burton.

- Shall I get rid of him? - Yes.

Er, no.

Suppose I should talk to him.

Hm.

[door opens]

- Mrs. Sidhu. - Inspector.

- On your way out? - No.

I'll just be doing some tidying up, don't mind me.

Pretend I'm not here.

[sighs] Mr. Melville, DCI Burton.

I'm in charge of the case.

I wanted to let you know, um,

that we'll be doing everything we can

to catch the perpetrator.

And bring back the death penalty.

Or a public stoning.

Go on, try one.

Thank you, Mrs. Sidhu.

Would you mind if the inspector and I have a bit of privacy?

[Mrs. Sidhu] Of course. Mr. Melville. Inspector.

Mm.

[instrumental music]

[Burton] Mr. Melville, I'm aware

this is a difficult time...

It's trending on Twitter.

Number one on streaming.

Yeah, I know, it's insane.

We need to handle this with kid gloves.

Oh-oh, oi. Ah.

Yeah, let's order a social media ban.

I don't want any of the cast or crew commenting.

Yeah, let's let everybody at Pomegranate PR know...

and then can you call me back?

[Burton] And do you know of anyone who

might have wanted to hurt Ms. Anderson?

Did she share any concerns or fears?

No. Parents were junkies, ended up in skid row.

She worked since she was a kid,

getting all the others out of the gutter.

Never lost that spirit.

Did she make any enemies?

Stalkers?

Any threats or disputes that you're aware of?

[Eddie] No.

You think this was a copycat killing?

Is this my fault?

Oh. All over this, are you?

This is fire.

Yes, and so will this be, literally,

if you don't get your head out of whatever that is.

The last episode of series 5

of "Swordmaster," and I know what happens.

Yeah, wonderful.

I need you to know what happens here, in my kitchen.

- She gets killed. - Who?

Queen Zestra.

- Bridget's character? - Exactly.

Life imitating art, innit?

[pensive music]

Stir those.

[line ringing]

[Burton on phone] Mint?

Boss, I've found something.

Or rather... someone.

[music continues]

- She is well dodge. - Uh, well dodge indeed.

Get this over to Cyber for facial recognition.

Yep, will do, boss.

[music continues]

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[indistinct chatter]

[tense music]

[wings flapping]

[Tez scatting]

Tez, have you seen this knife?

[Tez continues humming]

Oi!

- Have you seen this knife? - Nah.

But I need a knife, why you putting the others back in?

Ah-ah-ah!

[tense music]

Right turn.

Inspector?

Mrs. Sidhu with sharp utensils. Fantastic.

Missing. There-there's a knife missing.

One of it's lost? Check the dishwasher.

Maybe. Maybe...

it was the same knife that was used to kill Bridget Anderson.

Look, I've got a knife missing in my block

doesn't mean that I've killed someone.

Sorry, is this how you cook?

Sort of throw random ingredients together,

hope something edible turns out?

Got an ID on our witch.

You're gonna love this, her name's Tituba Hem...

Sorry, excuse me.

Look. Seriously.

One Tituba Neve Hemlock lives in a flat share. London, N16.

- Come on, let's go. - What? Inspector...

[car engine starts]

Alright, well, tell them filming of series five

is on hold, and could they please respect our privacy...

At this difficult time.

[whispering] Hey. One sec.

[Artie] You don't even feel, do you?

Look, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna call you back.

Where have you been?

[Artie] You always hated her.

That is not true.

She tried so hard with you.

- I didn't hate her. - Hmm!

I was a teenager, Artie. I was grieving my mum.

Oh! I guess now I know what that feels like, right?

- I'm sorry. Artie... - I don't need you!

Except when you need a job.

- I quit. - What?

Yeah. I quit the show.

You can't do that.

Do you not think dad is struggling enough?

Oh, dad doesn't care about "Swordmaster."

He can't be asked to deliver a script.

You can't quit.

You're under contract.

Then I'll break it.

You wanted mum killed off for ratings,

you wanted the convention in our home for PR.

Giving our address out,

and then some psycho breaks in and...

You don't care about this family,

all you care about is business.

I pity you.

You're like the lion without a heart. You are...

[Eddie] Tin man.

It was the tin man who didn't have a heart.

Dad, are you drinking?

[Eddie] Drinking and thinking.

I'm calling a meeting. 8:00 p.m., dining room.

Do not be late.

I have an announcement to make.

[knocking on door]

[Mrs. Sidhu] Mr. Melville?

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

[rustling]

[clattering]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[Artie] Dad?

[knocking on door]

Dad?

[knocking on door]

Dad!

[door thuds]

[tense music]

[clattering]

[clattering]

[screaming]

[breathing heavily]

[door slams shut]

[car engine revving]

[phone vibrates]

- Do you wanna get that? - Oh, yeah.

It's from Janine.

"What part of come and get your stuff do you not understand?"

[clicks tongue]

[door opens]

Oh! Tez!

[sizzling]

Oh, I told you to... Ugh.

You can go.

- What? - I'm letting you go.

- Go where? - You're fired.

[sizzling]

- Fired? - Uh-huh. Off you pop.

But how am I gonna get home?

You still gotta pay me for all them hours!

Oh, all of those hours, of course.

Okay.

There you go. Get a cab.

[speaks in Hindi]

What a score, that's it?

I'll take it back if you want.

I should report you.

[Mrs. Sidhu] Who to? Sons of mothers who give them work?

Google.

Write a bad review.

Write loads of bad reviews.

"Mrs. Sidhu's cooking's proper shit."

Ow! "Mrs. Sidhu physically abuses her staff."

"Mrs. Sidhu is fed up of carrying

her lazy loafer of a son!"

No. Dad carried me.

You just pushed me.

[door opens]

[door shuts]

[tense music]

[engine revving]

No one appears to be home, Sir.

[music continues]

- Witchy enough for ya? - Huh.

Witchy enough.

Where art thou Tituba Hemlock?

[eerie music]

[door opens]

[door creaks]

You should go home, get some rest.

You should. Check this out, Swordies Fan Forum.

Tituba Hemlock had quite the presence.

Super fan of Athdar.

Not a fan of Queen Zestra, to say the least.

Pages and pages of comments. Threats. Memes.

Where do people find the time?

Oh, and she cast a spell on Zestra.

[tense music]

[twig snaps]

[beeping]

Six, seven, eight, five, nine, star.

[music continues]

[door shuts]

[sighs]

Six, seven, eight, five, nine, star...

[beeping]

[door unlocks]

[music continues]

Queen Zestra.

[eerie music]

[exhales]

[indistinct chatter]

Ema, didn't know you were joining us.

- Your father invited me. - Oh, okay.

- Hi. - Hi.

- Hi. - Yeah.

[tense music]

Where's Artie?

He was in his room on the PlayStation. I told him 8:00.

He needs the escape.

When mum died, I played "Dungeons and Dragons" nonstop.

- Yeah. - I'll go and get him.

Oh, no, please, um, you stay, enjoy your food.

I can take him a little something.

Where is Artie's room?

Uh, top floor, take the back staircase.

[sighs]

I won't keep you waiting any longer.

I'll speak with Artie separately.

I have thought long and hard.

And I have come to a conclusion.

There will be no more "Swordmaster."

- Dad! - It's the right thing.

The only thing to do.

The queen is dead.

My queen is dead.

And "Swordmaster" will die with her.

You can't!

What about all the cast and crew

that live and breathe the show?

That rely on the work! What about the fans?

Uncle Eddie, you're grieving.

This isn't the time to be making big decisions.

This is exactly the time!

Look, you know when my Peg died

I vowed that I would never set foot in that shop again.

It was the shop got me through!

Eddie, you can't quit.

[mellow music]

No more "Swordmaster." That's my final word.

Oof!

[floorboard creaks]

Sage?

[knocking on door]

Artie, I brought you some snacks.

You really ought to eat something.

I recognise that sound!

My son plays that silly game all the time.

[instrumental music on TV]

Artie?

Are you okay?

[door unlocks]

[intense music]

Somebody help!

Quickly! Upstairs!

- Quickly! - What's happened?

We're coming!

[tense music]

[man 1] Check for a pulse. Is he breathing?

- Artie! Artie! - He's overdosing.

What's he done? What's he done? Shit!

Artie!

Right, let's get a move on!

[Selene] Artie?

Ema, go and get the first-aid kit! Go! Go! Go!

We might be too late.

- Artie, can you wake up for me? - We might be too late. Too late

[Selene] What did you do?

- Oh, God! - From one witch to another?

- What happened? - Just found him!

What the hell were you doing in here?

I worried about him, all of them,

proper bad energy in here.

Artie! Is he okay?

No! He's not bloody okay!

Hey! Who's-who's she?

She was at the stall this morning!

Artie? Jesus!

Don't you dare die on me, you little shit!

[Selene breathing heavily]

- Artie! - Here you go, Selene.

[breathing heavily]

[tense music]

Okay.

[sniffles]

Okay, Artie.

[exhales]

[breathing heavily]

Come on, Artie!

Come on, Artie, please...

- Come on, Art. - You have to get up now.

[Selene] Please. He's not waking up!

Come on, Artie, you can do this!

- Come on. Come on. - Come on.

[Selene] Come on, Artie!

[groans]

[gasps]

- Oh, thank God! - He's okay.

[Selene] He's okay! Well done!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Well done! Well done!

Oh, God, Artie!

[stretcher clattering]

Artie was using heroin a while back,

but he...

He'd been clean for about a year now,

I think her death just...

[sniffles] Sorry.

Are you coming with us?

[sniffles]

No, dad, you go.

[indistinct radio chatter]

[sniffles]

[indistinct chatter]

[door shuts]

[soft music]

[woman on TV] We have an individual found

in scene of Artie Melville's bedroom,

matching the description of Tituba Hemlock.

[dramatic music]

[Tituba] I didn't do anything.

I was just trying to help.

[Mint] Yeah. Watch your step. This way.

[Tituba] I just wanted to help.

I-I-I didn't do anything. I-I just found him.

[footsteps departing]

[dramatic music]

[Mrs. Sidhu] I'm not convinced, Inspector.

I think Tituba is a lost young woman

who just took solace in "Swordmaster."

But she's now a prime suspect in a murder case,

and all roads lead to Rome.

[smacks lips] Not all.

One leads to a secret meeting in the attic.

[phone vibrates]

Well, come on, it looks

pretty incriminating, doesn't it?

What, so Melville kills his wife to move on to the housekeeper?

Nah, please.

Yeah, I did think that at first, but then...

[paper rustling]

I saw this...

Where did you get that?

Ema's cottage.

[suspenseful music]

Inspector, uh, maybe you should let me handle this.

And I don't want you to speak...

Were you and Eddie Melville having an affair?

No.

Do you care to explain... this?

Who took this?

You're a very talented artist, Ema.

- It's just a hobby. - Just a hobby?

This just a hobby? Hm?

Did you draw this?

[sighs]

What? Were you fantasising?

Planning?

Planning.

I was planning.

- And did you work alone? - The murder was my idea.

- And did you do it? - Did you do it?

No. I drew it.

And then I wrote it.

[sighs]

Planning.

Story-lining, it's called.

I come up with ideas for "Swordmaster."

Eddie and I are close, but not for the reason you think.

A couple of years ago, I found him drunk in the attic,

he had a big deadline

and confessed he hadn't even started the script.

[dramatic music]

Well, go on.

I found myself thinking about "Swordmaster" all the time.

The characters, what they might do.

I wrote notes to Eddie with ideas.

Drew pictures.

We'd meet in the attic, um, drink wine,

talk about the stories.

[chuckles] It was so exciting.

Eddie said I was a natural,

he tripled my salary

and I started writing his scripts.

Behind every successful man is a woman... tidying up.

Zestra's death was my idea, but...

I didn't kill Bridget.

[suspenseful music]

I was very fond of her.

She was a force of nature.

I used to think this place was a paradise,

beautiful, idyllic, safe.

But now...

Here.

Okay, Inspector! But, but what about the knife, huh?

What about the dolls

found next to Bridget and Artie?

What about the suspect caught at the premises and on CCTV?

What about time wise still

indulging in your mid-life crisis?

Yes, I am menopausal. What's your excuse?

I don't believe that Tituba's guilty of murder.

This is a witch hunt. Literally.

And I know what that feels like.

So do I!

Believe it or not, you're not the only person

in the world to feel misunderstood.

Just go home, Mrs. Sidhu. Please.

[car door shuts]

[car engine starts]

[engine revving]

[car rumbling]

For the tape, Ms. Hemlock has waived the right to a solicitor.

[smacks lips] Tituba Neve Hemlock.

Is that your birth name?

It's my rebirth name.

It's all legal. I changed it by deed poll.

Okay, let's start at the beginning.

What were you doing at Ravenslair last night?

'Cause we got you on CCTV.

- Having a peek. - A peek?

That gaff. You gotta admit it's pretty awesome.

So awesome that you decided to break in?

I sensed bad energy.

Then I heard about Bridget Anderson's death,

my fears were confirmed.

Someone's put a hex on Ravenslair.

Okay. What were you doing in Artie Melville's bedroom?

I were gonna cleanse the energy and then I found

Athdar, Artie passed out on the floor.

I froze. Before I knew it, everyone rushed in.

The "Swordmaster" convention started today,

why arrive the night before?

I got an Airbnb close by,

wanted to make the most of the day.

You're quite the avid "Swordmaster" fan, aren't you?

Keen contributor to the Swordies Forum.

We all need a little connection.

Yeah, but you're not a fan of Queen Zestra?

No.

You cast a spell on her?

She killed Harkus!

Whom you seem to post quite a lot of fan art about.

Quite erotic most of it, if that's the right word.

And you, unable to separate fantasy from reality,

killed Bridget Anderson as an act of revenge.

No!

What were you doing last night between

11.45 p.m. and half past midnight?

In were in my Airbnb.

Can anyone vouch for that?

I were alone.

Did you collect the keys from anyone?

I got them from the lock box at front of the cottage.

[Burton] Oh, well, that's convenient.

I didn't kill Zestra, Bridget,

I only cast a spell on her, I swear!

Yes, the Subitus mortis spell.

Sudden death.

[ominous music]

[keyboard keys clacking]

[De Vries] How is our witch? Confessed yet?

No. Not quite, it's only a matter of time.

Could drown her.

If she floats, she's guilty, and if she sinks, she's innocent.

[laughing]

No, but seriously,

you have got to get

something out of her, otherwise...

Yeah, don't worry.

Got some news about our Tituba.

Oh, yeah? You see! Alright, come on.

Her Airbnb on Appleton Road,

footage from a neighbour's Ring-Cam shows Tituba

entering the property at 11.38 p.m. Friday night.

If she's on Appleton Road,

a 20-minute drive from Ravenslair.

There's no way she could have killed Bridget

between 11.30 p.m. and 12:00 midnight.

[suspenseful music]

[laptop keys clacking]

[paper rustling]

[sighs]

[sighs]

What am I not seeing, Pops?

[door creaks]

[music continues]

[footsteps approaching]

Morning.

[door shuts]

Want some toast?

I'm not talking to you.

And I'm not eating carbs.

[soft music]

[Tez] Mum, you gonna drop me at the gym?

Gym? What, you?

Boxing gym. I'm starting training.

Hear that, Pops?

Yournanaused to love watching the boxing.

So you gonna drop me, yeah?

If it's on the way to Newton Police station, yeah.

[door opens]

[keys rattling]

[door clicks]

[Tituba humming]

Ms. Hemlock?

[continues humming]

You're free to go.

- Your alibi checks out. - Finally.

Yeah, well the family may still wanna

press charges for the trespassing, but...

The family's still in trouble. Definitely sensed a hex.

Tell them to look me up if they want help,

@TitubaHemlock, I'm on all socials.

I cleansed the cell.

Some pretty neg vibes in there you know.

Yeah, well, sure.

Ugh, um, follow me.

You need yourchakras seeing too.

[footsteps]

Forensics report confirmed Bridget Anderson was killed

by a knife wound to the left atrium

and pulmonary artery.

The cut to the throat came after.

Interesting.

And now we're back to square one.

De Vries is not a happy bunny.

- Sir? - What!

Your auntie is here.

I did ask her to wait at reception, but she sort of,

overruled me.

[sighs] Yeah, she does that.

- Don't worry. - Morning!

Auntie!

What brings you to the workplace of your favourite nephew?

Auntie?!

Morning, Mint, fruit plate? Pastry?

Mrs. Sidhu, this is ridiculous.

- And a little bit creepy. - I know.

But wait till you see this.

Zack B. Wild. Who does he look like?

Artie Melville.

He's the spit!

Exactly!

And if he were to spit on

whatever it is you have to spit on for a DNA test,

I would bet my heavily mortgaged house,

he's Artie's father.

[instrumental music]

Because as you can see

Eddie Melville most certainly isn't.

And Bridget was paying money

to this Zack B. Wild.

Well, go on, look him up. Zack B. Wild. Musician.

[smacks lips] Okay.

[keyboard keys clacking]

No criminal record.

[keyboard keys clacking]

Oh, he's on Twitter.

Gig photo. On stage with some band

called The Hawks last night. In Montreal.

[sighs] Well...

Well, that rules him out.

Doesn't it?

Do you know where reception is?

Don't gloat.

It's very unattractive.

[music continues]

Okay, get in touch with the venue,

make sure it was him on stage last night.

I'll check it out.

Although... that could be motive for Bridget's murder.

Eddie Melville finds out he's not the dad...

[computer chimes]

[sighs] Yes! About time.

Bridget Anderson's phone records just came through.

Finally.

[suspenseful music]

Hmm.

Clandestine meetings?

Mmm. Threats to keep quiet.

The end of an affair?

Unsaved number,

that is the person she was meeting before she died.

And check this out. Saved as "CO."

Open the attachment.

[mouse clicks]

- Oh. - Jesus.

[chuckles] He is packing.

Well, yeah... but it's...

[sighs] It's just the angle.

I am so sorry.

I think I left my Tupper... Is that a penis?

Why are you looking at a penis?

I-it's a suspect penis.

Mm. Aren't they all?

[machine beeping]

[sombre music]

Mr. Melville, could we have a word?

[Eddie] Yeah. Mm.

[suspenseful music]

[clicks]

[keyboard keys clacking]

[music continues]

We've got him a place in rehab,

he'll be transferred this afternoon.

Tituba Hemlock, her alibi checked out,

so we've had to release her.

She is batshit,

I mean, somewhat deluded,

thinks someone's put a hex on your house.

You can still press charges for trespassing should you wish?

No.

Perhaps she's right about the hex.

Mr. Melville...

why did you hire a private detective

to follow your wife?

What can you tell us about Zack B. Wild?

[sighs]

Wild.

When did you find out that he was Artie's biological father?

Couple of months ago. Why?

[Burton] Must have put a strain on the marriage.

I was bloody furious!

Yes, there were arguments.

Yes, I thought about divorcing Bridget.

Did I kill her?

No.

Why was Bridget giving Wild money?

[Eddie] Wild threatened to go to the press.

Tell the truth about Artie.

Bridget was determined to quieten him down,

deal with it herself.

Do you think Wild had something to do with your wife's death?

He was a weak man. A chancer.

Didn't even want to meet his son.

Only wanted to profit from him.

But Zack's not a murderer.

He's Canadian.

What? So he couldn't be a murderer?

[Eddie] He lives in Canada.

She chose me as Artie's dad.

[Burton] Mr. Melville...

Throughout your marriage,

were you both faithful?

What you getting at?

You'd better have a look at these messages.

Who the hell was sending pictures

of his todger to my wife?

[suspenseful music]

[Mrs. Sidhu humming]

[van brakes squeal]

[clanking]

Hello, Stan.

Oh, Mrs. Sidhu,

what brings you down here?

Seva, which in the Indian Sikh tradition

means selfless service.

Which also translates as,

samosas and lemon drizzle cake?

Oh, you're too kind.

Uh. Fancy a cuppa?

- I'd love one. - Great.

This looks just like one of my family albums.

All the generations together with their,

hmm, smile for the camera face.

[both chuckle]

You all seem very close.

Yeah, we were all close as kids, inseparable.

Then Eddie got his success and fame, stole him away.

But, uh, when his first wife,

Angelique, died, I was the one who picked him up.

Got him functioning again.

That's when we moved into here, into the cottage.

Ah, so nice and handy for Ravenslair.

[chuckles]

It's just through the woods, only five minute walk.

Perfect.

[Stan] Gerry insisted on driving it.

Says I got to take it easy,

won't let me do anything

strenuous since I had the stroke.

I say, "Five minute walk isn't strenuous!"

But he's paranoid, since his mum died,

scared of losing me too.

So tragic, you and Eddie, both losing your wives.

Yeah, well...

At least my Peg made it to 58.

Angelique was 35.

And now, Bridget's murder.

[sighs] Don't think Eddie's

taken it in yet.

He's... still in shock. Well, we all are.

You don't get over it.

You just get used to the crack in your heart.

I lost my husband too.

Welcome to the club.

[Mrs. Sidhu chuckles]

Fancy another cuppa?

Only if I can use your bathroom first.

[suspenseful music]

[door creaking]

[Stan] You find it alright?

Yes! Found it!

[instrumental music]

[toilet flushing]

[door squeaking]

Thanks for the grub.

That's just what the doctor ordered.

- Oh, thank you for the tea. - Oh, you're welcome.

Glad of the company.

Bye-bye, Stan.

[tense music]

[car door opens]

[car door shuts]

Right.

[suspenseful music]

Hmm.

You, my lady,

are a fake!

Can you explain the relationship

between yourself and Bridget Anderson?

I told youse, we were co-actors.

We got on great.

[inhales]

Bridge was a fine actress.

Down to earth, good for the banter, you know?

Why?

Well, we found some messages on Mrs. Anderson's phone.

Sent form you.

- Right. - Did you send this photo?

[sighs]

Cormac?

Look, I was stupid, okay,

I misread the signs.

I'm a frecking eejit.

You misread the signs?

Bridge was always flirting with me.

I couldn't believe my luck.

I mean, as a teenager, I used to watch her

in "Westside Cop," I had a massive crush on her.

So you sent her a picture of your penis?

That's about the size of it.

No pun intended.

Look, I was drunk,

thought she was into me.

Well, it wasn't reciprocated?

[Cormac] No.

'Cause then I realised that she kinda flirted

with everyone, that's just, uh, who she was.

[Burton] So how did that make you feel?

Jealous? Angry?

Mortified.

And what about the other messages?

Hmm? Threatened.

Planning to meet Ms. Anderson the night she was murdered.

[Burton] Did you send these?

That's not me! That's not my number.

You don't have a second phone?

Believe me, I'm not that smooth.

[Burton] Or maybe you're just a good actor.

Tell me how you found Ms. Anderson's body.

I told youse, I went for a slash.

- Her body was in the woods. - Convenient.

No, it wasn't convenient. It was horrific.

And also somewhat suspicious.

I swear, I am no killer.

Look at me! I can't even get cast as a killer.

I still live at home with my ma.

So did Norman Bates.

Now tell me, what were you doing

between the hours of 11.45 p.m. on Friday and 12:30.

I was picking ma up from work.

She works as a receptionist at the hospital.

You can check with them, I'll be on their CCTV.

- Which hospital? - St Mary's.

So who was sending Bridge those other messages?

[van rumbling]

[phone vibrating]

[Tez on phone] I need your credit card number.

Oh, hi, Tez, I'm fine, how are you?

[Tez] Seriously, I've got to watch this

boxing match, but it's pay per view.

[Mrs. Sidhu] What's wrong with your credit card?

[Tez] Over my limit.

Yeah, and so am I.

[imitating screeching]

Oh, no, you're, you're breaking up!

[Tez] Mum! What about now?

Oh, sorry, can't hear you!

- Mum? Mum? - Oh, dear, I've lost you.

[tense music]

[rumbles]

[brakes squeaking]

[phone vibrating]

[Mrs. Sidhu] Oh, shush.

[continues vibrating]

[suspenseful music]

[Gerry sighs]

[boxes rustling]

[door opens]

Oh, hello, Mrs. Sidhu.

- Yes, hi, Gerry. How are you? - Busy.

Uh, work's helping keep my mind off everything.

I know, I-I'm so sorry.

You know, be kind to yourself.

It takes time to grieve.

I'm, um, I'm actually here to buy

a "Swordmaster" gift for my son.

Oh, well, uh, we do have a "Swordmaster" section.

[chuckles] Um, it's just at the back there.

Oh, wonderful.

Give me a shout if you need any help.

Uh, you've got ten minutes.

Sorry, we're closing at 2:00.

Got a big order coming in.

Okay.

Tragic thing is, um, we've never been so busy,

um, online sales are off the scales. And...

Athdar sold out in minutes,

once word got out about Artie's overdose.

That is tragic.

Mm. Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

I'll have this one please.

Oh, uh, yes.

These Queen Zestra's are flying off the shelves.

God rest her soul.

The box is rather bashed,

I'll find you a new one.

[phone vibrating]

Um, actually, I'll tell you what,

uh, you can have this one on the house.

- Are you sure? - Absolutely. Yes.

That's so kind of you, thank you.

I better take this outside.

Uh, really nice seeing you again, Mrs. Sidhu.

Hello?

Yes.

Just one more customer leaving.

[suspenseful music]

[Gerry talking indistinctly]

[door creaks]

[line ringing]

[Burton on phone] DCI Burton.

Inspector, it's Selene Melville.

[Burton] Ms. Melville, is everything okay?

[suspenseful music]

There's something I need to show you.

[rustling]

[music continues]

[drawer clanks]

[door opening]

[drawer shuts]

[Pitbull] Every time you look over your shoulder,

there's someone sniffing 'em out.

Fucking police, man!

Don't worry about the police.

We're not their concern.

Don't be getting too comfy, G-man.

Not much danger of that.

[tense music]

[light clanks]

[door shuts]

[locks clicking]

[suspenseful music]

[doorknob clicks]

[doorknob rattling]

[sighs]

[ominous music]

Bugger.

[phone vibrating]

[suspenseful music]

Bugger.

[doll thuds]

[tense music]

[sniffs]

Just through here.

[Selene] Bridget never let anyone in here.

It was mostly to keep Artie away from this.

[locker opens]

Please don't let this get out to the press.

It would break dad.

Look, we'll investigate as discreetly as possible.

Excuse me.

[whimpers]

[tense music]

[telephone receiver clanks]

[music continues]

[line ringing]

Oh, yes! You beautiful old relic.

[dialling]

[arcade music on TV]

[phone vibrating]

[dialling]

[line ringing]

Come on.

Come on, come on, come on.

[speaking in Hindi]

[phone vibrating]

Oh, come on.

[grunts]

You gonna get me killed, man!

[sighs] Argh!

[continues vibrating]

- [Tez on voice mail] Hello? - Tez!

[Tez] Joke, leave a message.

[tense music]

Tez, I am locked in a basement at Melville's Memorabilia.

You have to call Inspector Burton and...

[Pitbull talking indistinctly]

Oh, God. They're coming!

[receiver clanks]

[Gerry] Oh, yes.

[Pitbull] Get more, later if we're lucky.

[Pitbull grunts]

This is enough to keep you busy, hey, G-man?

I think there's about six,

What is it, 300 per box or something?

[Pitbull] Yeah, yeah, about 2,000.

Should've been more, as well.

I can't really fit much more.

[phone beeps]

[automated message] You have one new message.

[Mrs. Sidhu on voicemail] Tez, I am locked

in a basement at Melville's Memorabilia.

You have to call Inspector Burton and...

Papaji, you know, she's losing her mind, right?

[Mrs. Sidhu] Oh, God. They're coming.

Mum?

[tense music]

[dialling]

[phone vibrating]

Burton.

[Tez on phone] Hello, Inspector, it's Tez.

Sidhu. My mum's locked in a basement.

She's what?

[Tez] At Melville's Memorabilia.

I think she's in trouble. Something about a missing knife.

[siren wailing]

[dolls clanking]

[suspenseful music]

You got an hour to sort the lot.

- An hour? - Aye.

[Gerry sighs]

Wee toot?

Huh. Speed yourself up.

I-I-I never get high on my own supply.

[telephone ringing]

What's that?

You've still got a landline?

[scoffs] What are you, my nan?

You gonna answer it?

Huh.

[continues ringing]

[sighs] Fuck's sake!

[telephone ringing]

[clanks]

[ominous music]

[Pitbull] What the...

Who the hell are you?

- Mrs. Sidhu? - Hello, darlings!

I was just looking for the little girls room.

[Mrs. Sidhu chuckles]

You been at my gear?

- Your what? - Uh, you've got a...

[tense music]

Hi, sorry.

- Uh, uh... - Who sent you?

Huh? Who do you work for?

Hmm, no one, I'm my own boss, thank you very much.

She's just a caterer.

Lovely to, to meet you both.

- I think I'll be off. - Yeah.

Eh, no, no, no, no.

You're not going anywhere.

I-I really didn't see anything, my eyesight is terrible.

Right.

Sit down.

Go on!

[dramatic music]

Honestly...

[Mrs. Sidhu breathing heavily]

I won't.. I-I-I won't say anything to the police.

I mean, they never take me seriously anyway.

[music continues]

You need to get rid of her.

Oh, come on, she's harmless, she's just an old...

[Mrs. Sidhu] Indian auntie.

I mean... It's like I'm not even here, isn't it?

Business is business.

Now you get that unpacked, sunshine.

I'll get someone to deal with her.

[music continues]

Yeah, it's me, alright, can ya hear me?

You what? No. I can't hear ye. Hold on.

[music intensifies]

[Pitbull] Aye, can you hear me now?

[indistinct chatter]

Look, I, uh, I've got a wee problem, yeah.

[grunts]

[sighs]

Ah, frick!

What have you done?

[footsteps approaching]

[Burton] Yeah, what have you done?

[line ringing]

Requesting backup, and an ambulance.

Melville's Memorabilia, Old Green Lane. Yep.

Would you two care to explain?

Well...

[phone beeping]

How long you been importing drugs, Gerry?

No comment.

You were supplying to Artie Melville, weren't you?

- No comment. - No problem.

[Burton] I've got all your comments on this phone.

With conversations that match

Bridget Anderson's phone records.

"Shut your effing mouth or they'll effing kill you."

I mean, you can't even swear properly.

Gerry?

How do you...

end up wrapped around people like this?

Oh, come on, Gerry, I know you're up to your ears in debt.

Were you scared,

that you're gonna loose this business

that your father put his life into?

I was just trying to make things better for dad's retirement.

H-he doesn't have a pension,

he put everything into this shop.

[inhales]

It was his world.

Especially after mum died.

Of course.

[Gerry] Dad refused to go online,

he wanted the customers to have a real experience.

But the...

[dramatic music]

[Gerry] The debts were becoming too stressful,

I-I needed an escape.

[inhales]

So I started smoking a bit of weed.

Took the edge off. Helped me sleep.

But didn't help pay our debts.

Until one night, this lad delivers my weed.

[sighs]

And we end up getting stoned together.

Joking about smuggling gear in the dolls,

had a right laugh about it.

But next day...

he calls me and he says the dolls...

[music continues]

It's not just funny, it's genius.

And if I help them,

then they'll, they'll sort me out some proper cash.

Perfect cover.

Sleepy little shop like this.

And it was just weed.

I mean, technically, it should be legalised anyway.

I never agreed to this though!

And I've been trying to get out of it, but...

[sighs]

They just sucked me back in.

Why did you push drugs on Artie Melville?

No, I didn't push anything on Artie.

He wanted more, and I said no,

he told me that if I didn't get it for him

then he'd go elsewhere.

At least I knew this stuff was good.

But Bridget found out, didn't she?

[tense music]

Oh.

And she was already volatile,

because she knew she'd just been written

out of "Swordmaster," and

you thought this would tip her over the edge.

You thought that she'd go and tell everyone

about your little side hustle.

So you arranged to meet her in the spot

at Ravenslair woods, and that's where you silence her.

[dramatic music]

[inhales deeply]

[Gerry] No! No! I took the knife,

but only as a warning.

You find the keys?

[chuckles] Yeah, I'm an idiot.

They were in my inside pocket the whole time.

If she went to the police,

they'd kill her... or me or Artie.

[lament music]

So I needed her to wake up.

[scoffs]

But she, she just laughed.

I had a knife to her throat. And she just laughed at me.

Called me a "sad little man."

[sighs]

And she grabbed the knife, said she was gonna kill me.

I managed to get it back off her, but...

uh, it went into her...

and I could see I couldn't save her.

[music continues]

[sighs]

My heart was thumping.

And I went into the zone.

A-a-and it was like I was gaming.

[sighs]

And then, I slit her throat.

Just like Zestra did to Harkus.

Make it look like a deranged fan.

[music continues]

[sniffles]

[footsteps approaching]

[Burton] Gerry Melville,

I'm arresting you for the murder of Bridget Anderson.

You do not have to say anything,

but it may harm your defence if you do not mention

when questioned something you later rely on in court.

Take him away.

[dramatic music]

[indistinct chattering]

[sighs]

So-sorry, do you mind if I just...

- There, take, take that. - Mmm.

Should have left it on. I love winding up the neighbours.

Yeah, it's not all you like winding up.

But you did alright.

Partner?

Go on, you were gonna say it, weren't you?

No.

I was gonna say, Mrs. Sidhu.

But then I worked out I didn't know what your actual name was.

Mrs. Sidhu will do fine, thank you.

Oh, you did alright, Mrs. Sidhu!

[Mrs. Sidhu] Actually, I've got a, got a load

of leftovers that I need to cook up, do you fancy...

No, I've, er...

got some packing I need to do. Next time.

Ha! You said it!

That's not what I meant!

Na, you can't take it back. Too late!

Goodbye, Mrs. Sidhu.

[car doors closing]

[phone vibrating]

[soft music]

- Gerry. - Dad.

You alright, son?

[Gerry] I've had better days.

Listen, dad...

you need to tend to the garden.

[grunts]

[Stan grunting]

Oh.

[grunting]

[music continues]

[sizzling]

Admit it, you're a little bit proud.

[doorbell rings]

[door opening]

- Oh, Hi! - Oh, Selene, Hi!

Where's Ema today?

- Oh, she's got a new job. - Oh.

Here.

Oh, smells divine.

Your food is heaven.

It's the main thing keeping dad going.

Do you know it's even got him writing again?

Wow, wonderful.

Oh, no, no, this one's on me.

- Gosh, are you sure? - Absolutely.

Thank you.

If there's ever anything we can do for you, just ask.

Um...

Write me a review?

[laughs] Absolutely!

[instrumental music]

What did they say?

They want their sword back.

Aw.

[indistinct chatter]

Lunch time!

Yes, please!

[Eddie] Looks gorgeous.

[music continues]

[Tez] Who'd have thought, eh?

Drugs bust and murder in leafy Berkshire.

Hmm, you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

The world's run by crooks, innit?

Innit, though?

[music continues]

[theme music]