Original subtitles

ROSS NOBLE: The first rule of fight club is...

(SEAL GROWLS) ..there are no rules.

Whether seizing a chance to breed...

..or defending your genetic line...

..you've got to fight for your right to party.

Because in nature, even love is a battlefield.

(ROARING)

(BIZARRE MUSIC)

Among the fast...

and fearsome...

are the astoundingly crazy.

With strange behaviour...

and outrageous fashion sense.

They're all in a competition to survive.

And weirdness always wins.

(SQUAWKING)

Of all the species on our planet...

(DISTANT THUDDING)

..the most successful

also happens to be

one of the smallest.

The unassuming ant.

(LIVELY MUSIC)

Incredibly, over 20% of all land animals are ants.

(FLESHY CLICKING)

That's two and a half million ants per human.

Social and highly coordinated...

..they also happen to be lethal killers.

So, the creatures that cross their path

need a fighting edge to level the playing field.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

Enter the Bombardier Beetle.

Toxic avenger extraordinaire.

Found on almost every continent on Earth...

..Bombardiers thrive because they are masters

of self-defence.

Foraging for small insects,

this Bombardier stumbles upon...

a forward patrol of ants.

And these ants don't take lightly to intruding beetles.

Communicating via chemical pheromones,

the ant patrol contacts base...

"Send in reinforcements!"

(FRENZIED DRAMATIC MUSIC)

The lone Bombardier faces overwhelming odds.

The ant swarm fears nothing,

a single beetle is child's play.

The Bombardier's fate is almost sealed.

(DRAMATIC STING)

But this isn't his first rodeo.

(SPRAY HISSING)

The beetle sprays a boiling caustic chemical from its rear end.

A toxic cocktail of hydrogen peroxide

and hydroquinone at a scalding 100 degrees Celsius.

Like a machine gun...

(GUNFIRE)

..the chemical sprays in rapid pulses,

blanching the ants instantly.

(HISSING)

Danger averted.

The tough reaction chamber in its butt

prevents it from cooking its own derriere.

(SIZZLING)

Leaving his attackers to their pain...

the Bombardier Beetle is as kick-ass as they come.

(SOFT MUSIC) (ECHOING WHOOSHING)

This young Seal is totally spent.

After months at sea,

swimming thousands of kilometres in search of food,

she is about to finish her foraging migration.

Returning to land for the first time since her birth.

(SNORTING)

For some males, this may be their breeding season debut.

(JAZZY MUSIC) (SEAGULLS CAWING)

(SNORTING)

From December to March every year,

this quiet stretch of Californian coastline

hosts a huge Seal colony.

(SNORTING)

Restful scenes,

but a far cry from what is about to transpire.

(GROWLING)

Right now, young males throughout the colony

are succumbing to their hormones.

Turning this beach into a crucible of warring titans.

(SCREECHING, GROWLING)

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

Introducing the Beachmaster.

(HIGH-PITCHED BARKING)

The dominant Bull on this stretch of coast is king.

With a harem of 50 or so females,

most of these kids are his.

(BARKING)

But if challenged, big daddy can become a big baddy.

(GRUNTING)

(SCREECHING) Three weeks after giving birth,

Mum's come into heat again.

Females want the genes of a well-built, hefty male.

(YELPING)

But his boudoir moves skew more caveman than Casanova.

(HIGH-PITCHED BARKING)

Even if he's considerate and lays most of his heft

on the sand to avoid squishing her.

(BARKING)

With the Beachmaster indisposed,

a lower-ranked male sneaks in

and tries to mate with one of his harem.

(SCREECHING) But she protests loud enough

for the Beachmaster to hear.

(GRUNTING AND SCREECHING)

(TENSE MUSIC) The Bull sees red.

He's got a point to prove and bloodlines to protect.

It's on for young and old!

(SNORTING) Rising two metres tall,

they strike hard.

(SNORTING AND THUDDING)

Long canines slash at tough hides...

..but the warrior's thick blubber works as natural armour.

This contender knuckles under.

But other challengers have arrived.

Weighing close to two tonnes,

powerful chest and neck muscles deliver titanic blows.

(GROWLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

In the breeding season's peak,

competition for mating rights boils over.

The alpha Bull's ability to fight all comers

secures his turf and his harem.

(HONKING GROWLS)

The boundaries have been set.

The Beachmaster won't have to fight these pretenders again this year.

(SOFT GRUNTING)

(PLAYFUL MUSIC)

The alpha Bull will recover from his wounds quickly.

(SNORTING)

His battle scarring calcifying into protective armour

for next year.

The biggest loss? (FEMALE SCREECHES)

Time better spent impregnating his females.

For the beachmaster, the spoils of war

are the privileges of fatherhood.

(SNORES)

(GULLS CAWING)

The life and times of one of the Northern Hemisphere's

most adventurous seagulls is epic.

(BOLD MUSIC)

Winters are spent running with the gannets...

(SQUAWKING)

..and riding the wild bow waves

of North Sea trawlers.

(WAVES CRASHING)

But as spring returns to the subarctic...

..high windswept coastlines make for monumental breeding roosts.

(CACOPHONY OF SQUAWKS)

(MUSIC BECOMES SUSPENSEFUL)

Where contests for nesting rights,

put these gulls

in an anger management class of their own.

(SQUAWKING, SPLASHING)

Hunting in frigid waters far out at sea...

..Kittiwakes undertake a 60km voyage...

..returning to the very same breeding colony

year after year.

Where the stench of almost 100,000 birds

and their droppings saturates the air.

(WONDEROUS MUSIC) (SQUAWKING)

Bonded males arrive first.

Using olfactory clues to zero in

on lingering odours of their mate,

to find last year's nesting site before she arrives.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

But space, is at a premium.

And the younger, single males hope to secure

a quality roost of their own.

Increasing their chances of attracting a mate.

This older bonded male returns to his nest

to find a young gull has jumped his claim.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

The prime property has convenient food access to provide for a family.

The squatter must be evicted.

With bills shaped like fish hooks,

their locked-beak battle is extremely painful.

At any break, the two rivals race back up to the nesting spot.

(SQUAWKING)

Replaying the duel.

Plummeting again...

(SQUAWKING)

..and again... (SQUAWKING)

..and again.

The ravages of war begin to show on the squatter.

His bloodied face ends the fight.

A severe injury can risk his ability to breed.

he bows out.

And just as well...

because the elder gull's mate has just returned.

(MUSIC BECOMES TENDER)

Tenderly preening and bill tapping,

they reaffirm their bond for another year.

The male proud that he's secured the summer home for his family-to-be.

(CACOPHONY OF SQUAWKING)

(TENSE MUSIC)

ROSS: If looks could kill,

this Cape Buffalo would long ago have rid the earth

of its most hated enemy...

(LOW GROWL) ..bloody Lions!

Kings and queens of the African savannah,

always sashaying around

sneaking up on you.

(THUDDING, GRUNTING)

What's so regal about picking on the young and sick?

Ask any Lion though, and the feeling's mutual.

(GROWLING)

(BUFFALO EXHALES SHARPLY)

This is a grudge match thousands of years in the making.

(PENSIVE MUSIC)

Midday in Africa...

..and the temperatures hit a scorching 30 degrees.

Downtime for this Lion pride...

(PURRING)

..but not for long.

A lone Buffalo Bull finds himself in enemy territory.

African Buffalo usually roam in herds of over 30 strong.

(HEAVY BREATHING)

Unless, you've been ousted by a bigger, stronger rival...

..like this guy. (GRUNTS)

His sulky walkabout has led him straight to danger.

(LOW GROWLING)

Lions hate to hunt in heat this bad.

But they know better than to let this opportunity pass.

Because Lion and Buffalo families have long-standing beef.

Blood spilled from this age-old vendetta

soaks the savannah.

(EERIE MUSIC) (LOW GROWL)

A 150kg Lioness is small beans

for an 800kg Bull.

But a whole pride is a different matter.

They must bring the Buffalo down quickly

before the heat brings them down.

(SNARLING)

Ten-centimetre-long canines are formidable,

but so is the Buffalo's dense hide.

(BUFFALO GRUNTS) (LION SNARLS)

Most prides need the power of a big strapping male

to tackle prey this size.

This one has the next best thing,

two young males.

Even with the combined might of the pride,

the Buffalo refuses to buckle.

He knows that he's doomed if he does.

(BULL SNORTING)

(MUSIC STOPS) (INSECTS CHIRPING)

Finally, the heat takes its toll on the Lions.

(PANTING)

They've got no choice but to give up.

The way of the warrior Buffalo has prevailed.

A small victory in the eternal battle

between two ancient adversaries.

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

Nature is all about niches.

Every single creature has a specific role to play.

Hunting for unique food means less competition.

Agile with the brains of a supervillain...

..this arachnid preys on other spiders.

(UNASSUMING MUSIC)

As far as spiders go,

the Portia doesn't look scary.

And no bigger than a fingernail,

not intimidating at all.

But the Portia's massive eyes are extremely powerful.

And its brain is deadly.

(MUSIC BECOMES SINISTER)

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(ETHEREAL MUSIC)

Hunting foes often three times their size,

these assassins can analyse their prey's behaviour...

..and plot a stealthy path to reach their victims.

This Portia is on a mission to take down a lethal adversary.

An orb-weaver spider.

Delicious.

The Portia specialises in cannibalism.

But the orb-weaver is in a much bigger weight class...

(OMINOUS MUSIC) (FLY BUZZES)

..with venom that can kill instantly.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

The Portia must plan the perfect attack...

..if she has any chance of subduing the orb weaver.

She must inject her own fast-acting venom

before she's overpowered.

Portia knows that her target has poor eyesight...

..but it will react to the vibrations on its sticky web.

A failed strike...

..the Portia escapes by the skin of her fangs.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

She has lost the element of surprise.

Portia's super-stealth means nothing.

Her Orb Spider opponent is ready for anything.

To succeed now,

the Portia's super brain must calculate

the ballistic trajectory and range perfectly.

(TECHNO MUSIC)

(DIGITAL CHIRPING)

(BEEP) Recalibration complete!

(WHOOSHES)

Bullseye!

A quick shot of rapid-acting venom

and the orb weaver's innards are liquified.

(FLESHY SQUELCHING AND SUCKING)

Portia can now drink to her success.

(SQUELCHING AND CLICKING)

It's no small thing to dominate the African savannah.

(GRAND MUSIC)

This herd of bachelor Giraffes look upon the alpha in awe.

When breeding season comes,

he'll have the pick of the females.

But how does one become an alpha?

Practice!

Young males must hone their fighting skills...

..preparing for a bout that may one day land them the top title.

(THUDDING)

Transforming from Africa's most graceful animals...

..into the goofiest.

(JAZZY MUSIC)

(INSECTS AND BIRDS CHIRPING)

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

Standing at almost six metres tall,

and weighing in at one and a half tonnes...

..this dominant Bull indulges in a little me time,

away from the guys.

He has the high leaves all to himself.

The juicy tendrils filling his cavernous stomach

as he eats close to 30kg a day.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

But the alpha's moment of peace is soon disturbed.

(DARING GUITAR CHORDS)

(WHIP CRACKS) A lower-ranked male,

about the same size...

..but much, much younger,

would like a sparring lesson from the master.

Why not humour the young fella?

Besides, the alpha must stay sharp...

..should a true contender one day challenge him.

(MISCHIEVOUS MUSIC)

He whips his heavy skull, the lesson has begun.

The longer the neck, the more powerful the headbutt.

But the old guy pulls his punches...

..careful not to damage his apprentice.

(THUDDING)

The youngster responds.

(DARING MUSIC)

In this training dojo... (THUDS)

..the pair take turns striking.

Like prize-fighters,

each Giraffe has a dominant swing.

The young gun positions himself

for a sweet left hook.

But the old Bull has a few tricks up his sleeve.

He tries to throw his opponent off balance.

(WILD-WEST STYLE MUSIC)

A high centre of gravity unsteadies the young giraffe.

The old Bull's tactic secures a leg up in the fight.

Finally, the young gun yields...

..lowering his head and dropping his ears.

And the old Bull thinks what old Bulls always think

in moments like these... (WHIP CRACKS)

(AS COWBOY) .."I still got it!"

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(RUSTLING)

(RAPID HEARTBEAT)

Moments ago, this rat cheated death...

..but his mate wasn't so lucky.

He's being digested in the belly of a rat snake

over five slow days.

Re-energised, the rat snake patrols his realm...

..but in this kingdom, there can only be

one true king!

(INTRIGUING MUSIC) (DISTANT CHIRPING)

(WATER SPLASHES GENTLY)

This female Cobra

has spent the last three months

taking care of her eggs.

She hasn't eaten in over a month.

A rat snake will make a perfect meal.

The cobra's forked tongue picks up traces of the rat snake's scent.

She follows in its wake.

But the rat snake knows it's being tailed.

(TENSE MUSIC)

A silent getaway its only chance.

But the hungry King Cobra is ready.

Four metres long, the Cobra's more powerful than her meal.

But the rat snake will still fight back.

(HISSING)

The Cobra's potent venom takes time to act.

The rat snake strikes in return...

..but it's pointless.

Its bite has no venom. (HISSING)

The Cobra takes the rat snake head-on.

In just ten minutes, the victim is paralysed.

Cobra will absorb her victim for more than a week.

A meal fit for a king!

(MENACING MUSIC) (INSECTS CHIRPING)

Beware the man-child of the Australian forests.

He's famously cute and cuddly.

The poster boy for huggability.

But he's got the maturity of a baby too,

with a taste for treetop tantrums.

(DEEP, BELLOWING GRUNT)

However, when you see how he treats his rival males,

and even his girlfriends, you'll wonder

how much can a koala 'bear'?

(BIRD WHISTLING MELODICALLY)

This young guy is a classic couch potato.

He spends 90% of his day snoozing.

The other 10%, he reluctantly chews

on low-nutrition, toxic Eucalyptus.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

It's a surprise Koalas are still around

because out of almost 400 types of Eucalyptus,

they eat only 70.

While males are busy eating and sleeping,

Koala mothers do all the heavy lifting.

From birth until her baby is weaned at 12 months,

she'll bear its weight.

First in her pouch...

..and then on her back.

The kid is her pride and 'joey'.

But Dad's flat-out doing nothing.

Until September each year when suddenly,

all he wants to do is become a dad again!

(DEEP, BELLOWING GRUNTS)

His bellows let the ladies in the area know

he's virile and on the move.

His only goal?

To impregnate as many females as he can in the next few weeks.

(GRUNTING)

But the girls aren't exactly throwing themselves at him.

Time to get busy.

(SUAVE MUSIC)

Not built for terrestrial travel, this is a full gallop.

Something smells interesting up this tree.

(SNIFFING) A potential mate?

No, it's an older male who has rubbed his scent gland

all over the branches, announcing he's ready to breed.

(GUTTURAL GRUNTS)

He tries to make a move on a female further up from where he sits.

(GRUNTING)

(FEMALE SCREECHES)

She responds,

totally rejecting his advances.

(GRUNTING) (SCREECHING)

(GRUNTING) (SNARLING)

The younger male thinks he's more her type.

But if he's to try his luck,

he must first battle the old grouch.

Better wait till sundown and launch a sneak attack.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

The young challenger, tries to approach the female

from a different tree.

(SNARLS) But the rival male has spotted him.

The challenger falls back.

But hanging under the branch leaves the old guy open to attack.

The youngster now has the upper hand.

(FRENZIED GRUNTING)

It's a long drop... a mistake will hurt.

(GRUNTING, SNARLING)

With a final bite, the older male is done for.

(DEEP, BELLOWING GRUNTS)

The young brawler bellows in conquest.

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC)

(DISTANT GRUNTING)

Turns out that was the easy part,

because now he has to impress the female.

(MUSIC BECOMES SENSUAL) (GRUNTING AND SQUAWKING)

Famous for its teddy-bear looks,

this Koala's attempt at coercing the female

are far from gentle.

(GRUNTING) (SCREECHING)

That's not gonna fly with this girl.

She lets him know how she feels with a splash of urine to the face.

(LIQUID TRICKLING)

Eventually, the male has his way.

(FRANTIC GRUNTING)

The treetop tryst is brief. (SCREECHING)

After barely 2 minutes of exertion...

..the male will retire

for a 22-hour nap

recharging for his next conquest.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(WIND WHISTLES) (LOUD, ECHOING BANG)

(LOUD, ECHOING BANG)

(COOL GUITAR MUSIC) (LOUD, ECHOING BANG)

Strange echoes fill the valleys and mountains of North America.

(LOUD, ECHOING BANG) The sounds of battle!

(LOUD, ECHOING BANG) It's breeding season

for Bighorn Sheep.

And these males have their heads in the game.

(SULTRY JAZZ MUSIC)

The temperature may be cold...

..but these ewes are in heat!

And growing increasingly agitated...

the Rams are all 'horny'!

But how's a gal to pick the right suiter?

Why not let the guys battle it out!

(LIVELY ROCK MUSIC)

Without their impressive headgear...

..the Rams wouldn't survive combat.

Their massive horns, curling in a keratin loop

are filled with air spaces, cushioning the blows.

It helps reduce rapid brain deceleration

and the chance of catastrophic injury.

(LOUD, ECHOING BANG)

All brawn and little brains...

these airheads demonstrate their strength and dominance.

The high-impact battles can last hours.

At last, the weaker sheep is muscled out of the fight.

The victor still has more work to do in the pursuit of love

and thawing the lady's heart is a whole other battle.

At the end of the day,

brute force conquers everything

on these frozen mountains.

(SOFT CLICKING)

(INSECTS CHIRPING)

The rhythm of life among Borneo's mangroves

bows to one true master,

the Moon.

Manipulator of tides.

(BOLD MUSIC)

As brackish waters ebb seaward,

it's game on for intertidal life

among the freshly exposed mud flats.

(INTRIGUING MUSIC)

Eager eyes scan the banks

looking to come ashore.

This is not a Frog...

..or a Crocodile...

..these are the eyes of a weird little fish.

A fish that fights anybody

who gets in his way.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

A fish out of water is generally not in their comfort zone...

..but for Mudskippers, the shoe fits.

Walking ashore on powerful pectoral fins,

these amphibious fish spend as much time on the land

as they do in the water.

(INSECTS BUZZING)

But mud flats are far from peaceful places to hang.

With just four hours 'till the tide returns,

these Mudskippers are up against the clock.

(SPLASHING)

First order of the day, nutrition.

Some algal scum for breakfast, perhaps?

Maggots are delicious, of course...

..but detritus left from the receding waters

is always number one.

(STRAINED) "Time out!" (RECORD SCRATCH)

(PUFFED EXHALE) "Must oxygenate!"

(EXHALES)

As much as Mudskippers love life on land...

..their respiratory gear has to work overtime to keep them alive.

Bimodal breathers, they take in air through their moist skin...

..and hold on to oxygen-rich water in their puffed-up gills.

(SLAPS) Like portable oxygen tanks.

One mouthful of water lasts about six minutes.

Access to a plunge pool is critical for breathing.

And hopefully attracting a female.

But that requires time to practice...

..because this is how Mudskippers make each other's acquaintance.

(SLAPPING SPLASH)

The ladies know that the highest jumpers

are the fittest fellas.

# JOHANN STRAUSS II: On The Beautiful Blue Danube #

Today, they're not the slightest bit interested.

This over-excited Muddie

has landed too close for his neighbour's comfort.

(POSH ACCENT) Like an oafish gaffe at the cotillion...

..the mood on the mudflat sours.

(WHISTLE PITCH DESCENDING)

The ultimate offence has been taken.

(TENSE MUSIC)

Dorsal fins rise in aggression.

Mouths gape with insult.

But the oxygen clock has timed out...

(RECORD SCRATCH) (WATER PLOPS)

(SLURPING)

Where were we?

(POSH ACCENT) Ah, yes...

our cad has insulted this cur...

The duellists are evenly matched.

This calls for a fight!

A very...

short...fight.

Battling whilst holding their breath

is exhausting.

So, they resign to their own mud pools again.

As the tide rises,

the mood on the mud flat brightens.

(SERENE MUSIC)

And everyone returns to the pomp

of their aerial pretensions.

(MUSIC BUILDING)

But Mudskipper manners never last long...

..because on Planet Weird,

the next outrage is never more than a sideways glance away.

(SQUELCHES)

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