All language subtitles for Love Shack (2010)

[MUSIC PLAYING]

In '61 I was lost.

I was looking for myself.

It's embarrassing to ask me
what I was doing in 1961.

Oh, well I met Mo
Saltzman of course.

Mo was a compelling guy.

He was short, heavy,
stocky, heavy,

strong though, and very agile.

I mean he moved beautifully.

He was this kind of
intense short little guy

with big ideas, talked a mile
a minute, very philosophical,

a real impresario.

He says well listen,
I'm having a party today.

Would you like to come?

We went up to
this big old house,

a big old mansion-type house.

It was big, and it was open,
and it was so California.

It was out in Chatsworth.

And we went into the
backyard, and there are quite

a few odd things going on.

But you have to remember,
I went to Hollywood High.

First I saw a couple of
nude ladies running around.

Next thing I know, something's
rubbing up against me, and--

And then some man ran through
across just the hallway.

He didn't have a stitch on.

And he had a bone
on him like this.

And--

Everybody started
kissing and fucking.

And I got caught up in it.

I just got caught up in it.

Breasts and assholes and balls.

Men on top of men.

There were women
on top of women.

Sometimes it was two.

Sometimes it was three.

Imagine having six or seven
people work on you at one time.

There were like 15 couples
there, all bunched together,

you know, shtupping away.

It was like a plate of calamari.

I open my eyes and there's
a camera looking at me.

It might have been
one of the first

recorded organized,
quasi-not orgy

orgies that came out of Mo.

The things I did that day, that
I'm not particularly proud of.

But there's nothing
I wouldn't do

for a good pastrami sandwich.

I think that was the beginning
of the Mo Saltzman legend.

That was the beginning.

I think that afternoon was
the beginning of everything.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Mo Saltzman
was, without question,

the most influential
pornographer

of the 20th century.

I mean here's a guy who made
hundreds of commercially

successful films, from
fun-loving nudie cuties

to darkly original sexploitation
films, to his groundbreaking

work in musical pornography.

But what really separated
Mo from everyone else

was that he made
pornos that mattered.

I mean, I remember
I was 10 years old,

and my Uncle Andy snuck me
into the Corinthian Theater

there in San Francisco.

I'll never forget it.

It was a matinee performance
of a Fistful of Penis.

And it was a revelation.

It was a life
changing event for me.

I was 10 years old.

I'd seen a lot of porn.

But I had never seen anything
like a Mo, because no one had.

Mo took the medium
and he massaged it.

And he was able
to really address

social and political
issues of his time.

Now that is Moe.

[HELICOPTER]

We're living the Constitution.

We're-- we're the
physical and mental

embodiment of our rights, of
the Bill of Rights, you know?

A kid goes, what does
these Bill of Rights mean?

You can point them to the
porn industry and show them,

this is what the
Bill of Rights are.

These are why our Founding
Fathers did what they did.

Is so that we could sit
in our own living rooms

and masturbate to the
movie of our choice,

whether it be pornography
or the Sound of Music.

NARRATOR: In 1967,
Saltzman broke

pornography's color barrier with
guess who's coming on dinner.

It featured the industry's
first interracial Dirty Sanchez.

And in 1987, Mo
buoyed up the spirits

of the entire handicap
porn community

by directing Pile
Driving Miss Daisy.

Oh, you're so thick.

NARRATOR: This was the first
ever for the hearing impaired.

Fuck me!
Fuck me!

The handicapped porn consumer
had largely been ignored.

There was a little
bit of amputee porn,

the Stump Fucker Series.

But if you were
blind or a retard,

where do you go for your porn?

NARRATOR: In the '70s and
-80s, Saltzman subtly tweaked

the political establishment
with his Pap Smears,

political action pornos.

The issues we're trying to
address, like the environment,

you know, we made a movie about
the hole in the ozone layer.

The ozone layer is a very
important layer to have.

And there shouldn't
be a hole in it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Sweet.

Yeah, I'll meet you at
your place later, baby.

That's right.
All right.

You just make sure that
waterbed's nice and hot.

Mitch.

How could you?

That's an aerosol cooking spray.

What, this?

Busted.

How do we turn Sheila on?

-Act locally, think globally.
-Right.

-Ow.
-That's right.

Shazam.

Yes, yes.

When Mo died in
the spring of 2007,

he left such a gaping
hole in the porn industry.

Hundreds of porn stars had
lost a beloved father figure.

And porn fans across
the world, they

lost the thrill of
ever seeing a new Mo

Saltzman production again.

Until they found out
there was one film left.

Well I'd been working in Europe
for the past couple years.

So I was in Saint
Tropez, directing

second unit on a car campaign,
when I heard about Mo's death.

The next day a trunk
arrives at my hotel.

It was a steamer trunk
of Mo's that the Estate

had delivered to me.

When I opened that trunk
and saw what was inside,

it was one of those moments
that you know your life

will never be the same.

It was a script called
Dial M for Milkjugs,

with storyboards, pages
and pages of notes.

It had been a project he'd been
working on for years and years

and years, and wanted
to make, and never

got the chance to make.

And it was in his will
that if he passed before he

got a chance to do
it, that he wanted

me to take over the project.

I quit my job the next day,
flew back to the states,

called everybody on the cast.

They're all on board.

It's going to star a dream
team of porn superstars

from across the generations.

Everybody in the business
wanted to be in this picture.

But Mo hand-picked
the cast himself.

And he picked the best.

NARRATOR: Coming out of
retirement for this shoot

will be Mo's
favorite leading lady

of the '70s, Lynette Kelly.

A couple of friends and I went
to see this Joe Cocker concert,

and Mo Saltzman was there.

And we began talking
and sort of struck up

an immediate friendship.

And he invited me to
watch them shoot the film

that he was working
on at the time,

which was COCK-A-Doodle-DON'T.

I was impressed by how everyone
was really Mo's family.

I asked Mo right there how
I could be a part of it.

And so he put me in a
scene with Bud Hurley.

-Fuck.
-Yeah.

LYNETTE KELLY: Bud
Hurley was the master.

He read your body like a
blind man reads a novel.

He could not only make
you have an orgasm,

but others watching it would
have orgasms simultaneously.

Most people don't get a
chance to relive their youth,

you know?

But I'm getting that chance.

And I just hope I'm up to it.

It will be a different
kind of project, obviously.

It will be a boomer experience.

And I hope maybe some of those
boons will be sonic, you know?

I don't think it's a good idea.
He's older.

He's gained weight.

His blood pressure is too high.

And I worry about him.

He gets winded.

NARRATOR: In the
'80s, Mo continued

his political activism with
films like Mr Gorbachev,

Tear Down Those Pants.

He also redefined the genre.

He merged action adventure
filmmaking and pornography.

Doug and Debbie Vander
Spiegel were his stars.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Man's got to do what
a man's got to do.

-He's going to kill you.
-Think so?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Let's go save some mathletes.

Blue or red?
-Red.

[LOUD BEEPING TONE]

God Bananaman, come on.

Clear!

Let's go.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

(SINGING): I don't
know, but I been told.

(SINGING): I don't
know, but I been told.

(SINGING): Climb those
rocks and share the load.

Our work that we've created is
all about building and working

together, and teamwork.

Share the load.

It's very simple.

We worked so well
together, and we wanted

to pass that on to people.

It's not about you taking it in.

It's about them taking it in.

-I've never been on this trail.
-I don't give a shit.

You know, when I
first started out,

I paving Mo's driveway, just
for a couple extra bucks.

That's hot work,
working with tar.

And he's like,
you could do more.

You could do a lot more.

I've got a whole patio
up here you can do.

Mo really made me feel like
I could live my dreams.

And I didn't have
to settle for less.

I love Mo very much.

And it was upsetting for me.

At the same, of course I was
thrilled to be a part of it.

I mean, to be
back in the saddle?

Woo-hoo.

I mean, wow.

That's all I was thinking.

I was like whoa, one
more try, you know?

Let this bronc out of the--
you know, out of the stable.

But I mean, you know, only
in a professional way.

NARRATOR: By the
1990's, porn fans

we're demanding more
three way action.

And Mo rewarded them
with a huge helping

of his tag team superstars,
Jerry and Marty Sphincter.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's been eight years
since I've done a picture.

You know, I just walked away.

It's exciting, you know?

I mean, I still feel--
I've got the equipment.

You know it's still--
everything's functional.

I still feel sexy.

I still feel like
I got it going on.

And that's-- and that's exciting
for me, to be able to-- to--

OK.

Well that money's going to
fall through now, because you

couldn't get me the deal.

How does that feel Jim?

Does that feel good?
Yeah.

So yeah, you're not going
to have any money to make

that deal in Century City.

Right, you little motherfucker.

Hold on one second.

Where's my salad?

I changed my name
to Marty Stevens

when I realized that
a name like Sphincter

wasn't going to do me great
in the business world.

It was supposed to be
here five minutes ago.

Where's my salad?

I did what you said.

Get me my salad now.

Salad now.

NARRATOR: Growing
up in Piscataway,

New Jersey, Jerry and Marty were
as close as brothers could be.

In 1986 they rose to
national prominence

as champion high
school cheerleaders,

known for their
spirited routines

and their signature handshake.

Psh, psh, ready, OK.

NARRATOR: Mo saw one
of these performances,

and he immediately
recognized their potential

as a porn stars.

Fuck.

The day after Jerry and Marty
graduated from high school,

they appeared in their first
porn together, Jew Sandwich.

The Sphincter Brothers went on
to become the most influential

tag team duo in porn history,
until a tragic incident

ripped them apart in 1999.

It's been eight years
since the incident.

And it's been a long journey.

I haven't seen my brother
Marty in that time.

And that's hard.

I haven't seen
Jerry in a long time.

And I frankly don't
need to see Jerry.

Hollister called about
the reunion movie,

and you know what?

It was a great time
when I did porn.

And I loved all
those characters.

But we had our moment.

I've moved on.

It's just porn is not a
part of my life anymore.

And I hope-- I
wish them all well.

That's all I can say.

God bless.

I've called Marty a few
times, a few times a week.

And I haven't heard back.

And it's been about
four years now.

But I'm composing a letter.

And I'm trying to
put all my thoughts

down on paper for him to read.

My hope is that it'll
hit him somewhere deep,

and he'll show up for the shoot.

Maybe get some closure.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Could you make it
out to Doug please?

All right.
Doug, you a big fan?

Yes ma'am.

I'm really excited
about the signing today,

because it's my--

Anus and vagina.

Yeah.

And 4 and 1/2 inches of taint.

Mwah.
-All right.

You head downstairs mister.

A committed fan deserves an ass.

NARRATOR: As a new
century dawned,

Mo introduced what critics would
later call the anal explosion.

His series of anal
themed films made

Whitney Sweet a household name.

Rub it.

I love you.

Rub it.

Hey, hello.

You are fucking awesome.

I do the job to
you all the time.

Nothing I do is gratuitous.

She's very classy.

Very conservative
up to this point.

Yeah.

You know, if it's in the
ass, it isn't in another hole

at the same time.

When she works on this project,
it's going to skyrocket

her into a new place, OK?

She's going to be starting by
doing her very first number

one, numero uno, lesbian scene.

She's going to be working with
Hallie Lujah, who is the number

deux woman in the industry.

My job as her manager is
more to shape her career.

And the way I've
been shaping it is

more into the ambiguously
legal stuff, you know?

So, you know, the girl who's
been stood up on prom night,

like, who's voted
for the first time.

Anything else?

While I have done the sleepover
and we get in a pillow fight.

And then, oh, that
last one I did was 16.

Of course.

Driver's license.

That was really, really funny.

That was exciting, yeah.

-Suck your thumb again.
-Yeah.

That's what she does best.

I've really enjoyed
working with Gretchen,

because I feel like
Gretchen understands

what it's like to be a man.
-Thanks a lot.

Keep it moving.

And I understand what
it's like to be a woman.

-I'm Carrie.
-Gretchen.

I'm Gretchen.

I got a little flustered.

And so what's gone into this
strange marriage of a shemale

and a female in business--

Let me put it this way.

I work in business.

I know what it's like
to be fucked up the ass.

And so does she.

Well it's hard to
believe, but Mo Saltzman

never won a Peevie Award.

Now it's one of my personal
goals to get Mo a Peevie.

The deadline for
submissions is in 10 days.

But that will not be
a problem, because we

have the best producers in the
business, the best of the best.

-You're doing great.
-Just show me again.

Just do it again.
-Sweetie, look.

NARRATOR: Life partners Ted
Haynes and Andre Cox will

be producing in the 1990s they
starred in a series of wildly

original homoerotic films.

Titles as varied as The
Crack of Dawn, Taste of Seth,

and of course, Howard's End.

We decided to have a
baby about two years ago,

and we did a
computer progression

of what one could
look like if we

actually could mix our genes.

Which you can't.

But the computer
progression is--

it looked strangely
looked like Charles

Nelson Reilly or Kevin Costner.

It was weird.

I'm pulling for
Costner, personally.

Yeah, hello.

But with Charles
Nelson Reilly's talent.

Put that phone down or
I'll break your leg.

Mac Hollister called us, and
he said he had the script.

Ted's grandmother luckily
left him some money,

so getting the money together
was actually pretty easy.

And it's so exciting.

We're casting our
bread upon the water,

and it's going to
come back 100-fold.

And hopefully not come
back as soggy bread.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Andre and I just
saw your last film.

Your clitoris is adorable.
-Thanks.

Did-- do you know Tiki?

No, hi.
Mac Hollister.

She is the mother
of my third kid.

Oh, how wonderful.

-And fifth.
-And fifth.

And fith.

I'm sorry.

Have you met your co-star?

Hi.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-How about that, our two stars.
-It's so--

-My hand's in my hair.
-OK.

Got it, got it.

Hi Oliver.

How are you?

Good to see you.
-Hi Gretchen.

Your necklace is so beautiful.
It's--

Oh, hey.

-What's wrong?
-Oh.

Don't touch it, or
maybe look at it.

It's a synergy wave pendant.

Synergy.

It is so beautiful.

It was the anal beads
of the first pope.

-That's what you told.
-Really?

So that's what we think it was.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mac.

Oh.

Oh Mac, it's so
good to see you.

-Hey.
-Oh my gosh.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Oh it's so good to see you.
Jerry.

Jerry Sphincter.
-Jerry, oh my God.

Jerry.

Bam, bam, somebody's
been doing pilates.

-A little bit.
-Yeah.

And the ball.

I do a lot of stuff on the ball.

Listen, have you--
have you seen Marty?

Is he coming today?

I haven't heard back from him.
-Yeah.

Oh yeah.

He'll definitely be here.

He's definitely in though.
You guys have--

Oh he's in.

OK.

Good.

We didn't talk today.

But sure, he's-- I think
he's just busy with work.

Oh, OK.
Sure.

Great to have that
old Sphincter magic.

That's what I'm thinking.

Very exciting.

Listen, you might want
to lose the beard though.

OK.

Love it.
-The girls.

First gay scene, huh?

Mhm.

She got her asshole
bleached special.

Fantastic.

It's an expensive process.
Do you know--

Well just submit the receipt.

---what they do for that?

They spread and
they go in there.

They go in there.
I've never seen--

Have you ever had it done?

-Oh heck no.
-No?

Heck no.
I like it furry.

The whole range.

It's like, you know,
like I have a whole skunk

sitting on my pelvis.

You know what I mean?

NARRATOR: Rounding out
this remarkable cast

will be legendary
dominatrix, Furious

Georgia, and world-renowned
sissy, Carl Munson.

Thank you.

NARRATOR: Jake Storm,
inventor of the grudge fudge

and the donkey punch.

Words.

Words are funny.

Hey.

All you bastards, I'm here.

So let's party.

NARRATOR: And of course, Roger
Hogman, the loutish '80s porn

star and practical joker
who was famous for leaving

sperm deposits in various foods
for his coworkers to find.

Hey Roger, how you doing?

Hey, get lost, freak show.

Hey, how about you, huh?

Thank you all for
coming and being a part

of this fantastic project.

It's really a labor of love.
-It is, yes.

And if God made the universe
and everything in six days,

then we can make
this a Peevie Award

winning film in six to eight.

So let's go ahead, and
let's shoot a big one for Mo.

For Mo!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Mo shot well over
2,511 films in his home

in the San Fernando Valley,
which was affectionately

known as the Love Shack.

Man, if God wanted to create
the perfect porno house,

this was it.

It has eight bedrooms, four
hot tubs, three dungeons,

a classroom, a locker room,
a Turkish prison, an Afghani

interrogation room, a pew room,
a douche room, and enema room,

an operating room,
a petting zoo,

and most importantly, Mo's
spirit schmeared all over.

Family's always been very
important to me, you know?

And I think I've created a
family here at the Love Shack,

you know?
I consider us all a family.

It's a different kind of family.

It's a family that has
sex with each other,

and puts it on film.

OK, listen everybody.

AF Barnes gave us a
great little script here.

And let's see what
we can do with it.

Not everybody's here, but
we're just going to have to go.

Interior, Bjorkland
Manor, main salon, day.

The sound of
thundering hoofsteps

builds, and constables
Magnus Bjornson and Anika

Thornquist Bjornson storm in.

Ladies and
gentlemen, calm down.

What's happening?

Silence.

And all will be explained.
-The script?

Yeah, I know the script.

I saw the script when it was
being passed around Hollywood

ten years ago, and it's a joke.

Want to hear the premise?

OK.

A bunch of Swedish
aristocrats gather

at the end of the
Second World War

to debate Sweden's neutrality.
OK?

You hard yet?

There's been an [INAUDIBLE].

Everyone gasps.

That's right, a murder.

Secretary Blomquist is dead.

And everyone in this
room is suspect.

-What?
-Who?

What are you talking about?

Suspect.

And you, Ula, the
Secretary's paramour,

cast asunder when he
reconciled with his wife,

might it have been you?

It's true, I loved him.

-What the fuck is she doing?
-OK, OK.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I was playing Ula.

OK, well you thought wrong.

No, see, because?

We've been rehearsing
for two weeks.

-Yeah, I--
-When there's Ula words--

That's her.
---I read them.

When there's other words
that don't matter to me,

you read them.

Wait, wait, what
the hell is going?

My client is playing Ula.

Oh, are you getting up?

First of all, this
is blinking at me.

So I can't really--
-Whoa, guys, guys.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

The agents, sit down.

You're not playing
Ula, we're playing Ula.

I'm sorry guys, where are you?

My client is playing
Ula, all right?

We already had this covered
in contractual meetings.

I'm sorry that you
were not informed.

I always wanted to be an agent.

Now I'm my own shark
in my own pool.

And it's salt water, baby.

You know what those are?
Shark teeth.

We're walking.
Come on, let's go.

Oliver, Oliver--

No, let's go.

---Oliver, Ollie!

Sit down.

OK.

This is so silly.

Whitney, you play Ula.

Because you're the star.
-Thank you.

So you're Ula.

Elsa, got it.

That's all right.

Let's continue, please.

You have no right to detain us.

No, that's not your part.

You have to read Ula's part now.

It's true.

I loved him once, but now
my love belongs to another.

Just then, Ula grabs
Elsa and jackknifes

into a reverse cowgirl with
a Sri Lankan half twist.

Lars enters, pees on Brigetta.

Then Elsa corkscrews
into a slow motion Lassie

Come Home and roasts
Sigvard's chestnuts

with an $8 Jiffy Lube.

That's going to be
such a great scene.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you hear that?

Better question.

Do you feel that?

The French call
it melange trois.

It's an angel passes over.

This is the moment.

I tend to get here
a couple hours

early just so I can soak it in.

Have a cup of coffee, shine up
the dildos, get my belt ready.

It's religious.

It's what we do.

I would say making love,
the act of making love,

is probably as close as
we get to touching God.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MOANING]

Wow.
Wow, that's great.

That's great.
Hey, let's try something.

Are you familiar with the
films of Ingmar Bergman?

-Yeah, of course.
-Great.

Think Swedish too.
Give me a little--

Swedish?
---Swedish thing.

[MOANING IN SWEDISH]

OK.
So then I get down on my knees.

And I whip down my pants.

And I say oh Magnus,
you're so big.

Slurp, spit, gag.
-Oh yeah, baby.

Right there.

[MOANING IN UNISON]

Slurp, spit, gag.

OK baby, are you
ready for the hot beef

inject-- I don't
feel that's right.

I don't think I would ask.

Wait, what's the matter?

It's just that line.

It's like, if I'm such
a great detective,

why would I ask you if
you're ready for the hot beef

injection?

Why wouldn't I
have seduced that?

OK.
Are you kidding?

No.

Like, just let me try it.

Let me try it a different way.

You are now ready.

You are now-- you
are ready-- you

are ready now for the hot-- you
are now ready for the hot beef

injection.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

Doug and Debbie were it.

We all wanted to be one
or the other of them.

They were gorgeous,
devoted, hot.

And they made it work,
year in and year out.

Pretty-- it was pretty amazing.

Thank you guys so much
for all the silver.

And although we said no
gifts, we really-- well,

frankly, we appreciate it.

Oh absolutely.

We're definitely going to
hang on to that silverware.

Maybe we'll even use it.
I'm serious.

We're probably going to sell it.

Hey, it's hard for two porn
stars have a relationship man.

I mean, your first
date's in a fuck swing.

Where are you going
to go but down, OK?

Off the top of my head
I can think of three

relationships that worked.

In the '30s, Three Ball O'Brien
and Dust Bowl Daisy Adams.

In the '60s, Tush Bushman
and Urethra Franklin.

And in the '80s, Doug
and Debbie Vanderspiegl.

And the jury's
still out on them.

You are now ready for
the hot beef injection.

You're kidding.
You've got to be kidding.

You are-- are you ready now
for the-- no, once again.

Are you ready--

Oh would you just
say the fucking line?

-I am.
-Just saying the fucking line.

I'm trying to say the line.

God I'm working on
something here, OK?

You know, just
because I'm forcing

you to have oral sex does not
mean I'm not a real person.

Oh hi.

Marty Stevens please.

This is his brother
Jerry calling again.

I just wanted to see if he
was going to be-- OK, yeah,

I'll hold.

I feel blessed, you know?

I'm healthy, I'm young.

I don't want to
brag, but you know,

I've got a pretty nice
sized, you know, apartment.

And so when I look
at Jerry, you know,

I mean it's been eight
years since the incidence.

And he's still in so much pain.

I'm just praying Marty shows up.

Because Jerry needs
it big time, you know?

It just kills me.

Jerry also needs a bath.

I used to write you
all these letters.

Did you ever get them?

Um.

I was like your biggest fan.

And I got your headshot back
with a little signature.

Oh.
Wow.

You sound really lonely.
-No, not at all.

I just-- well now that
we're filming together,

I thought we could be
like sisters or something.

Because we're going
to get so close.

Oh.
Yeah.

Maybe we could go for a waxing.

Oh.

Are you Greek?

You know, Whitney's a little
bit different than I expected.

A little bit meaner.

And kind of anti-Greek,
so-- but you know,

I'm not going to
stoop to her level.

I'm just not.

Does it ever hurt your
feelings that no one, you know,

wants to have sex with
you from the front?

MO SALTZMAN: My
great grandfather,

he made a feature in
the-- it was 1897,

called Cousin
Myrtle Blows a Kiss.

I was shown this movie
at a very young age.

And I wanted to
make my own movies.

And that's how I
got the bug for it.

I was so inspired I
hung a production still

from Cousin Myrtle on the
wall of the Love Shack.

And I look at it for
inspiration before every shoot.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Pretty girl pictures are stills
that we use for the internet,

the DVD box covers,
VHS box covers, merch.

It's probably one of my
favorite parts of the job,

you know, try to
catch the actresses

before they get all juicy.

Could you get closer?

I want this to say
what, what, what.

What?

You are just one
big mole, aren't you?

What, what what?

Can I see your butt?

Not yours.

Sweet.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

I'm king of the world.

Hogman, can I actually
have you get out this shot?

Ow.

Great.
Yeah, yeah, that's good.

That's good.

Hogman!

Bang, bang, buddy.

Bang, bang, yeah.

Any cum on your vegetables?

Ned, take a break.

OK.

Because I'm not
going to pay for that.

No, I am not going to pay
you for pink flagstone

when I ordered grey flagstone.

Because I specifically
remember ordering.

Oh, OK, that's the problem.

You answer to me from
now on, all right?

You don't answer to Doug.

You answer to me, Debbie.

It all started two years ago.

We decided to do an
addition to the house.

It was going to
be really simple.

We were going to add
an office, a home

office so people didn't
have to go through our house

to consult with.

And then Doug got
his hands on it.

I wanted to give
her her own space.

I basically wanted to be
like Winston Churchill

when he went to India.

I wanted to build
her a Taj Mahal.

And then he came
up with more ideas.

And then he came up
with the idea of well,

if we have more clients,
we need a bigger garage.

And why don't we make
an octagonal garage?

So I tore it down and
I put in eight sides.

Which is a bitch.

That was Jose Luis
just right there.

That was Jose Luis.

He's taking over the job.
-All right.

Wait.
I have one question for you.

Come on.

And that is, why?

-Because you're inept, OK?
-I'm adept?

That's a good thing.
I'm adept.

No, inept.
Not adept.

And then I got on
this thing about not

using gasoline powered
vehicles to move things.

And I hired some mules.

Then one of the mules
died, which set me back.

Mules are very
sensitive to the heat.

And I thought they always
used them in the desert,

so I thought, you know,
maybe they were like a camel.

But they're not like a camel.

A camel and a mule are
entirely different things.

Point is, it became too much.

And I was overwhelmed.

The cost was skyrocketing.

We started fighting
all the time,

because we didn't
have the money.

So we're getting a divorce.

This movie's going to be our
last experience together.

And that'll be that.

The heart is not
a resilient muscle.

Or the heart is the
most resilient muscle.

I guess we'll find out.

We're so glad to
have you with us.

Oh I'm flattered.

It's like the old
days, isn't it?

Absolutely.

It's a shame Mo's not here.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hi.

You're here.

Help me out.

Bud and Lynette?

They're more than inspirations.

They're like icons.

I want to get a piece of that.

Say again?

So I'm excited.

But it's tempered with the fact
that I might have to throw up.

So--
[MOANING]

Bud yes.

Right there.

Your knees are grinding
into my pacemaker.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[MOANING AND SCREAMING]

God.

[CRYING]

[APPLAUSE]

I still have chills.

It's like the adrenaline's
still pumping through me.

Bud and Lynette.

Who would've thought,
after 30 years apart.

We've got a picture here.

We've got a picture
on our hands.

All right, let's go, let's go.

Do we have a
picture on our hands.

Oh my God.
-Break it down.

Let me call my mom.

It's unbelievable.

That Peevie is as good as ours.

I don't want to jinx
it, but I can feel it.

I can feel it, you know?

Really made a
mess of the place.

What I'm doing now
is I'm going through

and I'm bagging and tagging.

That's industry jargon.

Basically anything
used on a porn set

can be sold on the
internet for mucho dinero.

Oh, we have a bogie.

Seen worn, Bud Hurley thong.

Oh dude, this'll
get at least 2,000.

Are you kidding?

2,500.

Last night, when I said I went
for a walk to clear my head?

Yes, my darling.

I was really with
Ernst in the vestibule.

Secretary Blonquist?

I can explain.

Like hell you can,
you insensitive whore.

Oh my God, is that Marty?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Jerry?

Jer, you look-- you look
like a Jewish Bee-Gee.

You're here.

What's with your hair?

You know, I wasn't going
to come to this thing.

But Jerry wrote me this letter--
it was pathetic-- about how

much he needed me.

And so I thought I'd come
in and save him once again.

I mean, that's
ostensibly why I'm here.

But Mo's Estate's going to
have to be owned by somebody.

And I figured I'd get
in on the ground floor,

if you know what I'm saying.

Good to see you.

My brother Marty's here!

What's with the hair?

There's a very short list of
cultural and historical events

that have such impact, such
resonance throughout society,

that everybody remembers exactly
where they were when they

first heard about that event.

And I think that
right up on that list

would be November
22nd, 1999, on the set

of a Rock and a Hard Place.

All we really know is that in
a routine double penetration

scene, Jerry and Marty Sphincter
accidentally touched tips.

This was a maneuver
that they'd done before.

They'd done it 100 times, 1,000
times, maybe a million times.

Nothing had ever happened.

And that collision
was later the subject

of a documentary, Six Seconds
in Reseda, an American Tragedy.

NARRATOR: To the
naked eye, the scene

appears to go off flawlessly.

But slow the footage
down, and the images

tell quite a different story.

Frame 75, Jerry and
Marty begin performing

the standard double pork roast,
with Jerry assuming position

two, of the classic cowgirl
poses, while Marty punishes

La Cienagas anus from behind.

Frame 123, Marty instigates
the signature handshake.

Jerry counters with
a move that made him

famous, the bunny ears.

Frame 228, La Cienaga
moves to unleash

her massive dirty
pillows, setting off

a disastrous chain of events.

Frame 273, Mary leans
45 degrees to his right

and thrusts just as
Frame 291, Jerry thrusts

back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Back and to the left.

Frame 301.

Oh dear God.

NARRATOR: Impact.

[UNINTELLIGIBLE MOANING]

Help me.

It affected me deeply
because we had just

lost a really wonderful presence
in the adult entertainment

industry, you know?

Lots of people can
screw on camera.

But very few people
can make it sing,

and really just have a smooth,
easy flow, it seems natural,

it seems very free.

You know, it's like Yo-Yo
Ma versus the next guy

who plays cello.

I mean these guys were good.

I remember exactly where I was
when the brothers touched tips.

I was doing a karaoke, a
regional championship round,

in Dickinson, North Dakota.

I was doing a Johnny Cash set.

And it threw me off,
threw me off my game,

when I heard about that.

I actually came in sixth
out of seven contests.

You know, people
say I'm shallow.

I've been through
shit in my life.

I've been through heavy shit.

When I was eight years
old I was diagnosed

with a rare immune
deficiency syndrome, OK?

I spent the next eight
years in a plastic bubble,

no human contact.

Cut to my 17th birthday,
turns out I was misdiagnosed.

I was just allergic
to shellfish.

So that was a pisser.

But the only day
I ever cried was

the day I heard the Sphincter
brothers touched tips.

I don't remember a lot of
what happened right after.

I think I had some
sort of break.

Some sort of psychotic episode.
I floated.

I was in a fugue sort of mist.

But finally I found myself in
a cult, the Order of Pegasus.

And it was very intense for me.

And I found a family
in those people.

And we had created
a suicide pact.

And unfortunately that morning
I had a flat tire on my bike.

So I missed that event.

But it was there
that I discovered

the six stages of grief.

You know, you start off
with complete denial.

It never happened.

And then the rage
comes, number two.

Number three is the
bargaining, which

I didn't really understand.

It was very confusing to me.

So I went up to four for a
while, which is depression.

But who wants to be depressed?

So I went back to one for a
little while and just denied.

And then I doubled down,
had to hit two again.

Jumped up to five, which
is accepting, which I'm

sort of trying to embrace now.

And of course banjo, the last.

Marty's obviously stuck in
one, with a little bit of two

and just a dash of four.

But I think he'll come
around if he-- I think he's

coming around.

Rock and a Hard Place.

Rock and a Hard Place.

No, don't remember it.
Sorry.

Who was in that?

And move that please.

This is the scene where
they've come to the Jacuzzi

to celebrate.

This is kind of a big, big
moment for us in the picture.

And I know that
these two are going

to deliver a hot scene for us.

Let me find my center.

Everyone keeps asking, is it
going to be weird to have sex

with someone you're divorcing?
-I'm beautiful.

And I have a secret.

And I gotta say no.

It's not weird at all.
Right?

Oh no, no, no.
Absolutely.

100% normal.

Well look.

In this industry you
get paid to have sex.

So sometimes you have to
have sex with someone you

can barely stand to look at.
-Right.

Or someone you find
totally repugnant,

both morally and physically.

And action.

I was thinking that
maybe we could celebrate.

Ah.

We're on the same page.

Ow!

What?

Nothing.

Why don't we-- fuck.

Oh, are you trying
to hit my hat?

No, I'm not trying
to hit your hat.

If I wanted to hit your
hat I would do this.

Hey.
Oh great.

Now I'm not in character.

[HALFHEARTED MOANING]

Are you kidding me?

What?

It's hard.

It's not hard,
that's the point.

I'm having shrinkage issues.

-Do you need a little--
-No, I'm good.

Do you need a little tweak
or something down there?

-Oh my God.
-Can you help him out ?

-Yeah, all right.
-Can we get this thing going?

That was good by the way.

I thought maybe now
we could celebrate.

Mm.

Well hip, hip, hooray.

Ow.
Ow.

What are--
-What?

What are you trying
to do, drown me?

-What?
-Goddammit.

I'm trying to get some glamour.

[SCREAMING]

So you're married, huh?

Yeah, she's amazing.

I'm sorry I couldn't
invite you to the wedding.

But it was a small
affair, just like 400

people at the Bel Air Hotel.

It was great.

Are you guys
thinking about kids?

Actually we have a kid.

-You have a child?
-Yeah.

Beautiful girl.
Her name is Leila.

You-- I have a
niece named Leila.

Yeah.

Oh, I should tell her about you.

Jerry's ass is a good ass.

It's just very hairy.

So it has to be
dealt with by me.

Oh sweet Jesus.

It needs the special clippers.

Stasha, we need
the 517 immediately.

It's a different kind of blade
that they use for horses.

What about you?
What have you been up to?

-OK.
-I'm doing great.

I found out-- easy there.

-There you go.
-Easy Kitty.

Spread them a little bit.

I found a buyer for my kidney,
so I'm working out that deal.

No mom.

I'm not bringing anyone
home for Yom Kippur.

Because it's not a festive
holiday, that's why.

Ma, people don't even eat.

You know, well I
find it depressing.

Can I talk to dad
about this please?

You know what?

I'm sorry, I've got
to call you back.

-Gretchen, my--
-What?

What?
-My synergy wave pendant.

My synergy wave pendant's gone.
-Your pendant?

It's gone.
It's gone.

Where did you leave it?

Where did you put it?

The last time I had
it I was wearing it.

And that zip-a-dee-doo-dah
was looking at it.

And she--

Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, Hallie?

-Yes.
-Oh wait, is she--

-She had--
-I can't randomly accuse--

She stole it.
---someone.

She stole it.
It's not random.

It's not random.

Are you sure, because
if you're not sure--

Gretchen I'm so sure.

There are two things
that I am more

sure of than anything else.

OK, what?

One is, you are
going to find a man.

And the second thing is,
Hallie Lujah took my pendant.

And I need it back.

I'll take care of it.

So I'm like, you've got
your schnitzel in my strudel.

-I love your accent.
-Yeah.

-It's fantastic.
-OK.

So I'll come in to this.

So you're down first?

You come on top of me.

OK, so I'm in the back, right?

-This is our specialty.
-Awesome.

OK.

And then I'm going like this.

I get under, right?

-You come in here somewhere.
-I've got it.

Let me just get under.
-This is great.

-OK, so--
-Ow.

Oh, you know what?
Hold on.

One second.
-Wait just a second.

-Hold on.
-Hey.

-Hey.
-You OK?

-Yeah.
-This is going to work well.

-OK, so then--
-Can you just give me a minute?

One second.
I'll be right back.

No, no.

All right.

We're just going to
stay on sticks for this.

Hollister, can I talk
to you for a minute?

Yeah Marty.
What is it?

I can't shoot today.

Well I need you today.

-Why can't you shoot today?
-It's Shabbos.

Shabbos?
Marty it's Tuesday.

This whole Marty things
really freaking me out man.

It's like he's so in
denial that he can't even

admit the whole thing happened.

He has no recollection of it.

It's like OJ Simpson, you know?

I watched an interview with him.

And it's like, he
can't even remember

he ever even played football.

What kind of
toothpaste do you use?

Crest.

Have you ever shaved
all your body hair?

Yes, I have.

When I first meet the actor,
I do like to take a history.

I'll make notes.

I have questionnaires,
you know, are

your parents married, divorced.

If they were
spanked as children.

Great.
Fantastic.

Because it makes my
job so much easier.

Have you ever played hangman?

Yes, I have.

Guess a letter.

-G.
-Nope.

OK.

This is one of my
favorite scenes, Whitney.

This is where we
establish Ula as this

really sensuous being through
her baking the lingonberry pie.

You've made a pie crust before?

Ollie, Ollie!

This is lost!

Whitney!

That is outrageous,
what you've done.

Hey, hey, what is outrageous?

You put superglue
in our mascara.

I beg your pardon?

I beg your pardon.

Why would she put
superglue in her mascara?

Whitney, why would you put
superglue in my mascara?

I didn't.

She wouldn't put
superglue in your mascara.

But if I did, maybe it
was to get back at you

for stealing my
synergy wave pendant.

But I didn't put
superglue in, what is it?

Listen, we gave you Ula.

That's enough.

Well maybe you put superglue
in your own mascara.

Get the on set medic.

It's burning, it's burning.

It's OK.

We're going to the
emergency room.

Come on.

I'm extremely disappointed.

And I don't mind telling you.
-Really?

I thought it worked great.

Anyway, back to the scene.

Did you--

The whole pie-- listen-- the
pie, the pie, the pie baking

thing with the, with the--

NARRATOR: In the 1980's, no porn
director enjoyed more success

than Mac Hollister.

He was the industry's golden
boy, the Spielberg of smut.

The Lucas of the lube.

But then he made a
crucial error in judgment.

In 1988 Hollister
directed Fondling Fathers,

a 12 hour gay porn set at the
Constitutional Convention.

And outside of a few
pleasantly surprised

constitutional scholars and
a closet Federalist, no one

went to see it.

Fondling Fathers
collapsed like no movie

has ever collapsed, OK?

It cost $500,000 and
grossed a buck and a half.

And he went into a
major depression, OK?

He did not pass go.

He did not collect $200.

He went home and
he started eating.

After a month he
gained 10 pounds.

After a year he was
up to 563 pounds.

I mean, who's going
to hire the guy?

I don't know what he's
been doing for work.

Action.

No one on the Hillside Heaters
could believe their eyes.

Spencer, a right handed hitter
who wore the number six,

was paralyzed from
the waist down.

But as he rolled his wheelchair
into the batter's box--

Cut!

That's the worst
reading I've ever heard.

What the fuck was that?

[CAR ENGINE]

He says he's been directing
commercials and Europe

for the last 10 years?

Yeah, he's been in his mom's
garage for the last 10 years,

on an allowance.

Who the fuck is that?

It's just me, mom.

Where the fuck you been?

I've been working
mom, go back to bed.

You get my fucking box out?

I mean, I feel for him.

You can take a
guy like that, try

to marshall that kind of cast,
with that kind of baggage,

he doesn't stand a chance.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Mo never had
conflicts on his sets.

He didn't believe in that.

I mean, Mo's philosophy was, it
takes a village to make a porn.

He had people in
the Love Shack who

had great big hearts, who had
immense amounts of tolerance.

And that collaboration worked.

Every important
innovation in pornography,

with the exception of the
delivery boy and the face shot,

came from Mo Saltzman.

NARRATOR: In the
late '60s, Mo merged

pornography and poetry
into an experimental genre

called pornetry.

I am fear.

I am unwell.

I'm a roasted peanut.

I am my own orgasm.

NARRATOR: And in
1979 he produced

Phallus in Wonderland,
the world's first computer

generated porntoon.

What's my name?

Steve.

Say my name, bitch.

Steve.

Louder.

Steve.

33.

Didn't we shoot 33 last night?

Oh, yeah, 90% of it.

There are just a couple hiccups.
-OK.

Yeah.

And what about 45?

Pick ups, a couple inserts.

And 50?

Inserts.

Mac, I've got to be honest.

The rest of the sheet
looks like a xerox

of yesterday's call sheet.

We didn't get
everything yesterday.

We got 90% of it.
All the exposition and dialogue.

Well what did we not get?

Maybe we don't need it.
-Everything.

Great.
Then what are we missing?

The sex.

The sex?

Yeah, just a little of the sex.

What the fuck are people
going to be watching?

People are not coming to a
porno for its snappy dialogue.

Yeah, no.

That's why Meryl
Streep doesn't do porno.

We've got the best
of the best coming up.

Whitney and Hallie,
Spinchter Brothers.

-Yeah?
-Jake Storm.

Are they going to fuck?
Or are they just going to talk?

Yeah, yeah they're
going to fuck.

Not fucking talking, fucking.

You're going to hear, you're
practically going to smell it.

Who's your guy.

-You're my guy.
-I'm your guy.

You guy's not going
to let you down.

It would be so sad if something
happened to my guy, right?

Yeah.
Nothing's going to happen.

-Be my guy.
-I'm your guy.

Yeah.

And action.

Ladies it's official.

Secretary Blomquist
is officially dead.

No, not dead.

Hands down the biggest
asshole I ever met?

Jake Storm, OK?

Asshole.

A lot of different porn stars
are-- they're more oh, or uh,

or darling, it's all about you.

I'm not like that.

I'm more like huh?
Yeah?

You want some?
Because I've got more.

Are you sure?

I was with him for 90 minutes.

Did you check your stethoscope?

I did.
Twice.

You know, it's funny.

They say that the best
way to get over tragedy

is to do something
that makes you happy.

Oh, I know.

Let's do something
that you're in love

with, something that you want
to spend the rest of your life

with.

Something that you don't--

What the fuck is
wrong with you?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.
[SCREAMING]

No, no, no, girls, girls.

Knock it off, for God's sake.

Come on, we've got
to-- no, no, no, no!

Not the wig, it's a rental!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Shut up.

Goddammit.
[MUSIC PLAYING]

Do you know what type of
underwear your mother wore?

She always wore one size
above what she needed,

just to have that little extra.

-What about in azure?
-OK, forget it.

You know what?

This is it.

Not happening.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh that's great.

That's really cute.
-Hot, right?

He's hot, too.
Yeah.

-See?
-Good.

Let's see one of the other ones.

-How about Halle and Whitney?
-Yeah.

Show me the girls.

That's it.

That's it for Bud and Lynette.

Show me-- show another one.
A whole other one.

Yeah.
What about Doug and Debbie?

This is all we've got.

Mac?

Oh my God.

Andre.

It's going to come together.

We've got a lot of the
dialogue still to shoot.

You've been coming
home every night

and telling me
everything's great.

It is great.

Oh I knew you were cleaning
the stupid garage for a reason.

Goddammit.

Look, I wanted to spare you,
because I know how emotional--

You've got beautiful
women, you've got guys

who've been doing this forever.

Put 'em on a set and
let them bump vaginas

and get a fucking
movie together.

Jesus.

We got-- we got most
of the dialogue stuff.

You are not my fucking guy.

You are not my fucking guy.

When you're cutting
a film like this,

it's like you go to one of
those all you can eat buffets.

Way to go, Mitch.

And as the editor, you pick
and choose what looks good.

And you put it together into
a potentially beautiful meal.

And all we've got now is
like a side of coleslaw.

You know what?

We had a rough couple of days.

So I decided to shake
things up a little bit.

I called our leads, told
them to take the morning off,

and get your shit together.

I'm really glad our scene
got pushed back, because I'm

still in a lot of pain.

And my depth
perception's way off.

So it's really hard to get
around set and everything.

Well it took a
little finessing,

but I moved some things around.

I scheduled a scene with
Furious George and Carl Munson,

masters of sado-hygienic cinema.

-I feel waxy.
-Take it.

I'm still dirty.

What do you have?

Gingivitis.

I can't hear you.

Gingivitis!

These guys are total pros.

We can't mess with these.

We'll get a couple easy
scenes under our belt,

we'll be back in business.

And action.

Did you, or did you not
bake the lingonberry pie?

No.

Liar.

Did you, or did you not know
that the Secretary Blomquist

was allergic to lingonberries.

-I didn't know.
-Liar.

You're a very weak
little man, are you not?

Say it.

I'm a weak little man.

I'm a mouse.

I'm a mouse.

Liar!

I'm sorry, that's not any good.

This fucking sucks.

We're still rolling.

All right, we're going.

From the top.

Jesus, right?

Liar!

Like that?

I spoke with one of my
guys down at the Center

for Advanced Menopausal studies,
and here's what he says we can

expect out of Furious Georgia.

Mood swings,
irritability, fatigue,

memory loss, depression, hot
flashes, decreased libido, OK?

Vaginal dryness,
and incontinence.

Now if that doesn't say porn
star, I don't know what does.

Did you, or did you not,
bake the lingonberry pie

that killed the
Secretary Blomquist?

I did not.

Liar.

You're almost making me feel
as badly about myself as you do.

Fuck me.

I can't do it.

I mean I'm fucking menopausal.

I didn't have to do this
when I was menopausal.

Do you need some sugar?
Do you need a diaper?

I don't need sugar
Hollister, I need hormones.

It was pretty bad.

We saw one of the great
ones go down today.

You know, really.

Truly one of the great ones.

It rocks me.

It shakes me.

[DOG BARKING]

All right.
OK, OK, OK, OK.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.

Fuck.
Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck these fuckers
who are fucking me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is the moment I've been
waiting for for eight years.

Yeah.
Right.

All right.
I'll see you out there.

It's finally here, me and
Marty back in the saddle.

It's beautiful.

OK, you guys, you
want to take positions?

-Yeah, we do.
-Marty, in the middle please.

Yeah, OK Marty, you take
your spot in the middle.

Jerry, you're right
over his right shoulder.

LaCienaga, take your
one please, right here.

Beautiful.
Ready.

Roll camera.
OK.

Ready.
And action.

You!

You slept with Senator
Blomquist in the study.

How could you do that to me?

Niels, you need to get over it.

Because you need-- we need
to focus on getting an alibi.

I've been cuckolded
by a new [INAUDIBLE].

Dammit Niels,
you're drunk again.

Regita's right.

Constable Bjornson's
forces are coming

at us from the north wing.

The Swedish National Guard?

They're coming at
us from the south.

It's only a matter of time
before the tips of those two

forces touch, and--

All right, hold it.
Hold it.

Keep rolling, keep rolling.

The slow thing's not
really working for me.

Establish the forces,
the forces, boom!

And the pounding action.

They pound down, pounding.

Pound, pound,
pound, pound, pound.

It's the violence of the
smashing of the tips.

We want to see the jackhammer.

The tension comes
from the violence.

-Collide.
-Collide, collide!

Yeah.

But the tips have to--

Smash.

Pound, pound, pound, pound.

Oh dear God.

Yes, yes, the jackhammer.

Marty, Marty wait a minute.

We're just working the
scene here a little bit.

Marty?

Get the fuck in here.

-What was that out there?
-What?

We're shooting a scene.

Sometimes things
get a little hairy.

A little hairy?

That was like chaos out there.
-Well--

The deadline for the
Peevies is in two days.

That's the whole point of this.

I can shoot this in one day.
We got two days?

Great.
No problem.

Listen, you don't understand
how desperate I am, OK?

Listen.
-Look, no--

I'm playing with
Ted's money here.

And if Ted's money goes away,
Ted's going to get bitchy.

And if Ted gets bitchy,
then I get bitchy.

And if I get bitchy,
trouble ensues.

You get me?

I get you, I get you.

I'll get it, I'll get it Andre.

You better get it.

Because you know what?

If I wanted to get fucked
in the ass, I'd go home.

Well I had a really productive
meeting with Andre last night.

We addressed some concerns
that we were both having.

And I've made some calls,
I've taken some measures.

Everything's going to be,
you know, right on track.

Huh.
Yeah, that's really good.

Essentially I'm a diva doctor.

I am brought in to sets
to different locations

all around the world.

And I help everybody
solve problems.

So when I leave, people
can skip hand-in-hand.

Do you remember when you used
to fight in grade school,

and the teacher would make you
hold hands with your friend,

and say, sing the
friendship song?

(SINGING) Make new
friends, but keep the old,

one is silver and
the other's gold.

I can't hit the high note, but
I think you know what I mean.

That's kind of what I do.

I don't do the song.

But the song's really in here.

Hey everybody.

My name's Kat Waters.

I'm thrilled to be here.

I was called upon
by your director

to be an on set negotiator.

Let's clear the air here.

I'm going to start a phrase,
and you're going to complete it.

I feel things went wrong when--

I feel things went wrong
when Hallie showed up.

We're not going to
point fingers yet, OK?

Because when you
point one finger,

there's three
pointing back at you,

and a big old thumb
that's probably

been in someone's tush,
pointing right back at you.

I felt things went wrong when
I can't open my eye right now.

We're going to do a little
thing called leaving the crying

to the audition room.

You know we're all adults here.

And we just need to talk,
because little babies cry.

Oh, oh point Kat Water.

We really need
to be adults here.

She's good.

She's very good.

Kat Waters?

I saw myself in her.

And I saw herself on me.
You know?

I just saw the two of
us connecting, you know?

Like two women who know
exactly what they want.

You know?

Who know how to go at
it and get it done.

That's right.

Woman to woman, mano a
mano, womano a womano.

Mano a mano, oh
ponytail lady in a suit.

I like your style.

I love it.

Cheers to a working
lady with a ponytail.

Right on.

I'm done.

That's my water.

That's my water.

OK.

Gretchen, you want to go ahead
and start with your demands?

Yeah, I do.
OK.

The specific demands
that we are making

all pertain to a health
issue, and a safety

issue on behalf of my client.

She is allergic to glitter,
peroxide, the lipstick

that she uses, pigtails,
unwashed pubic hair,

and baby powder.

Not to mention the
fact that Halle

has one nipple the
size of a yarmulke,

the other one is an acorn cap.

That's just disorienting.

We can't work with that.

That is outrageous.

I will not do with
that kind of attitude.

Excuse me.

These are her demands.

You're not effective
when you yell, dad.

I'm not comfortable with
the unwashed pubic hair.

We wash every single pubic
hair singularly, every day.

OK.

I've heard this
happening before.

When girls have that
weird unwashed smell,

it's actually an
excess of melon.

So if you could stop
with your honeydew honey,

I think things will be smelling
pretty nice down south.

Oh she is good.

She is good.

So we're OK with that?

-I won't eat melon.
-OK.

She won't eat melon.

As far as the nipples go,
could we fill in the small one

with a rouge or a blush?
-Something.

Something that won't come off
in a hand once it's pinched.

Because I see it, and
then I'm like, where I am?

I can't have that.
She could fall.

I could fall over.

You're sensing that her nipples
are like the size of an acorn,

but you want more
of a bagel bite?

Yes.

I think we can work
this out in make up.

Are you all right with
having a little rouge, maybe

a little lip liner, something
to spread out our areola more

like a little pizza.

Is that OK?

Yes.

OK.

I'm hearing that
we've kind of wrapped

this up pretty beautifully.

I mean, I think we can
put a kiss on this stamp

and put it in the mail.

Can we put this
letter in the mail?

Send it to me.

Everybody thinks I'm having
some emotional reaction

to something.
I'm fine.

It's this production.

I mean, this thing
is not a tight ship.

It's being run like a
freaking high school

production of Pippen.

Excuse me.

Oh, hey Marty, can I
borrow you for a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Cool, thanks.

It's probably another
wardrobe fitting.

Yeah?

Come on in, Marty.

My wardrobe's fine.

Hey Marty.

Hey.

We love you, you
know that, right?

Sure.

I have a fondness for you.

What's up?

We care about you.

And we feel that
you have a problem

that we need to discuss.

What are you talking about?

Jerry, what's he talking about?

This is an intervention.

You're having an-- you're
having an intervention.

Why Jerry?

Why are we having an
intervention today?

Marty, I'm your brother.

I love you.

Eight years ago, Rock
and a Hard Place.

LaCienaga was there, Hollister.

We were doing a scene.

Something went wrong,
terribly wrong.

What are you talking about?

You guys touched weiners.

I got it.

Marty, we touched tips.

Let's face it.

We touched tips.

How-- how do you know-- how
do you know we touched tips?

I heard it.

You heard it?

I heard it.

I don't know.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

You can't run from it, Marty.

Believe me, everyone knows.

It's on the internet.

Not helpful.

All right.

All right, fine.

So what?
So what?

So what if we did touch tips?
So what?

What's the big deal?

That has to mean something?

I lost my brother over it.

Well it's not my fault
that your life is shit,

and mine is fantastic.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault
that you're playing

the banjo on Venice
Boulevard, and I'm making

multimillion dollar deals.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault.

Well it's partially his fault.

It's not his fault.

It's not my fault.

There were two
penises there that day.

It's not my fault that we
don't play catch anymore.

It's not my fault.
I'm not responsible

for this relationship anymore.

It's not my fault.

Talk to me.

It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not my fault
that we touched tips.

We touched tips.

We did it.

We touched tips.

We touched tips.

And we enjoyed it.

OK, well.

What?

We enjoyed it.

I didn't enjoy it.

That's disgusting.

Marty.

Stay in the room, Marty.

Marty.

Did you really enjoy it?

Wow.

They enjoyed it.

That's a little creepy,
don't you think?

Well, those Jews.

Why am I in charge of the keys?

It doesn't seem like I would be
the guy who would be selected

to be in charge of the keys.

Because you were driving.

Were you in this room?
-I don't know.

I just really want
to get out of here.

Where did you leave them?

I handed them to you.
-I know.

You gave them to me.

I had them in my hand.

And then I-- I
remember I put them--

Put them where?

I don't think
they're in this room.

I don't feel--
-Feel?

Have you looked?

No, I don't have to look.

I just feel them.

See if they're in the room.

So let's just--

Do you remember this room?

---get another way home.
No.

I don't.

It smells like Chinese food.

This was the room
we shot Deep Dish.

Deep Dish?

-Yeah.
-No.

You think?
-Yeah.

This was definitely Deep Dish.

Wow.

This really smells
like cats in here.

I don't know what that--

Do you remember this?

You know, I have to get
back for water practice.

But I could spare a few minutes.
-Nice.

You were the one that wanted
the sausage and pepperoni.

You must be a meat lover.

[MOANING]

Yeah, I remember that.

You do?

Mhm.

We deliver in 30
minutes or less.

I remember.

You do deliver.

You delivered that day.

Oh that one day, yeah.

And the day after.

You were so amazing to me.
-Yeah?

Yeah.

You totally calmed me down.

Because I was so nervous.

And I was completely
broken out in hives.

You know how nervous I was.

And you massaged me.

And you have this
whole little patter,

this whole little story--

The healing hands.

Healing hands.

You know, you've always
been really sweet to me.

You're a really good man.

You're not too bad yourself.

Should we try to find the keys?

I know where the keys are.

Where?

I locked them in the car.

[LAUGHTER]

[SEXUAL GRUNTING]

And cut.
All right guys.

Guys, this is beautiful stuff.

This is gorgeous stuff.

We're just going to
rest some lights.

Just stay locked down.

All right, thanks.

Still there, still there.

Oh my God, I'll
never want to leave.

It's like a hand in a glove.

Oh, or a mitten.

So I was thinking
maybe we could

do something this weekend.
-Yeah?

Yeah.

Like maybe go for a hike.
-Sure.

-Yeah?
-That would be awesome.

You know what?
No, wait.

The tiler is coming.

No, I can't do that.

Whatever.

No, I mean--

Why don't you go on a
hike with your tiler?

---we just have to finish it up.

-Oh stop.
-No, seriously.

Go on a hike with your tiler.

That's an insane thing to say.

What?

It's an insane thing to say.

I'm going to run
off with the tiler?

Everybody's having
their little problems.

It's OK.

I can bring them back together.

I'm a problem solver.
-Get off me.

I'm done.
-Hang on a second.

It's just going
to take a second.

I need to leave.

No, wait, wait, wait,
what's happening?

-Let her go.
-What's happening?

What do you need?
-Let her go.

What do you need?
What do you need?

What do you need?
Some water, or--

I'm done.

I'm just completely
fucking done.

Done?
Do you need just a break?

Five minutes?
-You know what?

Let's get somebody else in here.

I gotta have this today.

Debbie!
-Doug!

-We were so close.
-Doug!

Debbie, you do not
just whistle and I come.

Doug!

-What?
-Come.

All right.

No, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, OK, look, I admit it.

We got nothing.

You know, we've got
absolutely fucking nothing.

But you know what?

We've still got
Halle and Whitney.

And they're our leads.

And that's what's going
to sell the movie.

I can sell the whole movie
on their scene alone.

It's going to be hot.

It's going to be
hot, believe me.

And trust me,
they're ready to go.

Ned and I'm going to need
more blush for the baby nipple.

Oh I'm ready for my scene.

I'm so ready.

Agents, if you
could clear the set.

Glamour squad, lay off please.

All right, looks lovely.

You know what you're doing?

OK, great.

Let's roll sound.

Rolling.

Roll camera.

Speeding.

And action.

Ula darling, Ula?

Ula!

Come here.

Have a look at me.

Aye, miss.

You look radiant.

Like a delicate little flower.

It is no wonder Lars has
taken a liking to you.

Ula darling, you know you
can never be with Lars.

You are a common house
frau, nearly twice his age.

Aye, miss.

Tis true.

Oh, your patch.

Allow me.

That's better.

Good.

Then we'll have no more of that.

Well, let's see
what we have here.

Oh, my my, what a
lot of lingonberries.

Just what the recipe calls for.

Fancy a taste?

You know I don't
snack before meals.

I wasn't talking about the pie.

Neither was I.

-Whore.
-Bitch.

Skank.

Hag.

Oh, that is it!

Ula angry.

You're going down, Captain
Hook, and not the way

you're used to going down.

Bring it on!

I'm going to cut your
pretty face like I'd

cut it on the street, lady.

I'm not afraid of you.

Oh really?

Because I'm going to cut you.

Whoa wait.

You are going down!

You are going down!

You're nuts, you are!

That crazy bitch
pointed a shoe at me.

-I saw.
-Come on, let's go.

We quit.
That's it.

Goodbye.
-You can't quit.

You're under contract.

Oh really?
You know this sign?

I'll give it to you again.

Come on, let's go.

Amateurs.

This is out of control.

You have lost
control of this set.

This movie is done.

I'm pulling the plug.
-We don't need her.

We can work with just Whitney.

This movie is no more.

Mac, you're done.
-She's hot.

She's sweaty.
We'll make this happen.

It's done.
Go.

-Andre, Andre!
-Go.

Go!
-Andre.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

It's not the end
of the world for me.

But it was a-- it would have
been nice for these folks

to have one last go around.

I thought this would
be a great opportunity

to see the old gang, and
to pay tribute to Mo.

We came close.

I think we came close.

We were almost there.

I don't know, maybe Mo
could have pulled it off.

It didn't work out the
way we thought it would.

It didn't come
together, you know?

But a work of art
is never finished.

You are so full of shit.

That's two.

That's stage two.

He's working through it.

You're pathetic.

I thought this would be good
to kind of rekindle things,

re-- see each other
in a different light.

But I guess only
I saw it that way.

I can't believe they
let it come to this.

It's so stupid.

I mean, the worst part is,
if you needed an actor,

why didn't you just use me?

I'm right here, dammit.

Are you blind?

You're an idiot.

Back to one.

I hate you.

That's one and four.

That's nice.
-You're an idiot.

-I know it's painful.
-You're an idiot.

That's four.

I know it's painful.

Is it?

That's four, by the way.

He went back to two that time.

I wanted this experience
to be something beautiful.

I wanted it to be
two women, you know,

having that lesbian experience.

And it just wasn't
going to work.

Whitney and lesbians, uh,
uh, uh, they don't work.

They don't work.

You know who else doesn't work?

My maid.

She is so fucking lazy.

I'll take a week in
the south of France

and field some offers,
and get back to it.

A couple commercials
waiting for me back there.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MO SALTZMAN: Love is
a very powerful thing.

It transcends time.

You can always find love again.

It makes, you know,
the old young again,

and the young wise.

I think people go
away from love,

and then they come
back to love, you know?

And that's where
they're the happiest,

when they find the love again.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I want to thank you
all for coming back.

Listen, I've got
something to say.

I can't do this anymore.

It's a lie.

It's all a lie.

I haven't been
working in Europe.

I've never even been to Europe.

Ever since Fondling
Fathers I've been

living in my mother's garage.

And I've been directing
books on tape.

But the biggest lie is that
there isn't a steamer trunk.

Mo didn't leave a script,
or a cast list, or anything.

I just wanted to
make another movie.

And for a little while there,
it felt like family again.

And that's the greatest
feeling in the world.

Now I haven't been true
to myself, or to you.

I don't think that you have
been true to yourselves, either.

Debbie and Doug, my God, your
marriage was an inspiration.

Everybody in the
business-- I looked

for that kind of relationship my
whole life, and never found it.

You can't let the
color of carpet

destroy what you two have.

Jerry, what happened to you man?

Where'd you go?

What happened to that happy go
lucky kid from Jew Sandwich?

Marty, you've just
become an asshole.

You were the best.

You were the best because
you were brothers.

And you loved each other.

You touched tips.

It happens.

You guys got to get over it.

This is Mo's Bolex.

This is the camera that he
shot Cock-A-Coodle-Don't on.

Hey, That's Not Fondue
came out of this camera.

We can do the same thing.

We can come together.

We can find the love.

We can find the family.

We can take this camera.

Esteban's got a bunch of short
ends we can put together.

We'll just shoot this thing
old school, like Mo did.

We go out, we set up a scene,
everybody at once making love.

Not just having
sex, making love.

We do it old school.

No sets, no lights,
no props, just the

love we have for each other.

No one's seen a film
like that in a long time.

In a long time.

Now who's with me?

Who's with me?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

All right, Esteban, you set?

Yeah, we're ready.

Roll camera.

Speeding.

Ready, and Hogman!

In the end, Hollister
did make his deadline.

And Dial M was nominated
for a Best Picture Peevie.

Unfortunately it
lost to Dr. Stinklove

or, How I Learned to
Stop Worrying and Love

the Bum, which
starred Halle Lujah

in her first anal release.

But even though it didn't win
an award or get any recognition,

I do feel that the
picture did exactly what

Mo would have wanted it to do.

For millions of
porn fans, it gave

them something to--
something to masturbate to

for years to come.

Now.

Find your target.

All right.

What does she do
that disrespects you?

You don't even have
to say anything.

I just want that visual image--
-Oh, I see it now.

Hit the nail.
-Use that visual image.

-Put in the nail.
-Put in the nail.

Well I'll tell you what,
what's exciting and wonderful

right now.

We've created this new company
called Erect and Connect.

We're really working
on remodeling

people's homes, which is
where we found frcition.

Mhm.

And, well--

Remodeling their lives.

I don't want to lose a nail.

Honey, do you want
to lose your marriage?

Do you see my nails?

Have you seen your marriage?

Love and honor.

It's the teamwork.

Oh honey, hold this.
OK.

I'll be there.
I'll support you.

And then they support the beam,
and the husband or the wife

hammers the nail.

And there's the sawing.

And then there's screwing.

And then there's screwing.

After Dial M's
release, Mac Hollister

was immediately catapulted
back onto the A-list.

Glen, I wanted teal.

And he signed several
international endorsement

deals.

My urban sprawl.

My mini mall.

My giant balls.

My home is in the valley.

My cigar is El Guapo.

Could you sign
your nads for me?

Yeah.
You want to write on the balls?

I feel like I've been
blessed this past year.

The film we're working on
next is titled Special Ned.

And it's about a mentally
handicapped high school

student who vows to
lose his virginity

before the end of the summer.

And as you know, handicapped
kids have a hard time

getting laid in real life.

Through this film we hope to
inspire other handicapped kids

to go out there and try it.

Safe, not rape.

Whose idea was that?

That's gross.

Not to get retarded
kids out raping people,

but to inspire them
to live normal lives.

What the fuck is this?

But no one benefited
more from the experience

than Kat Waters
and Gretchen Becky.

A week after the
film wrapped, they

were married at the Love Shack.

-I just came.
-Too loud.

-Hi.
-Too loud.

Hey, too loud.

We don't actually do
the Ferber method.

We don't them-- we don't
let her cry it out.

But what we do is, it's
a shrieking technique.

Watch this.

[SHRIEKING]

Calms them right down.

I don't think that
you can't overstate

the importance of the Sphincter
Brother's reconciliation.

But sadly, the story
doesn't end there.

During the Dial M orgy,
Jerry accidentally entered

Marty's anus for eight seconds.

Oh, whoa whoa.

How would I like
to be remembered?

I think I've created a
lot of love, you know?

Through the relationships
I've created, you know?

I've brought some
fantastic people

together who have
fallen in love,

and created love, and made love.

And they spread their love.

To be the acorn of so much love
is such a wonderful legacy.

And I think that's a beautiful
way to be remembered,

as the acorn of love.

Or with a plaque.

[MUSIC PLAYING]