All language subtitles for 06.The Dark Side of Porn [Part 6 of 9] Me and my slaves (eng)

Dear Lord, I come
with a troubled mind.

Please give me the strength

to curb my addictions,

to change my ways.

Lord, I can't carry on.

I need your help.

I ask it in Jesus' name.

Amen.

What do you do for a living?

I'm a professional master.
What does that mean?

That means

I'm control them, capture them.

How often do you do this?

Every week.

Do you get paid for it?

Not every time.

Sometimes it's pure pleasure.

Why do you want to
give up, listener?

I've had to live a life of
lies. I don't want to anymore.

I wanna be truthful.

I wanna be honest.

If people find that
uncomfortable and unsavory,

well that's tough shit
because that's the way it is.

A town in the north of England
is home to a man who calls

himself Rick.

Rick is paid by men to dominate them
in acts of extreme sadomasochism.

He's been doing it for over
twenty five years and says that

he now wants to stop.

Let me describe it like a menu.
You can have the starters.

That's a few slaps,
verbal diarrhea

as I call it, tying people up,

chaining people
up, isolating them.

We can go on to torture,
various toys of the anus,

fist fucking, strapping,

caning, beating, taunting.

I feel very blessed.

I've had twenty five years
of being able to express

myself, being able to have
people under my control.

That is very addictive.

By law, a person doesn't have the
right to consent to an act which does

them serious harm, so Rick
could be prosecuted for assault.

His client today
is known as Amanda.

They met through an advert
in a contact magazine.

I've got a regular
client of mine over.

I've known him about
a year and a half.

His favorite role is
as a transvestite.

So he'll put on
his female attire.

So he'll be treated as a she.

You know, there's no other way
I'll look upon him as a man.

And I don't have a
problem with that.

And, we're gonna do a salsicine,

which is more sort of torture

rather than role play.

At his busiest, Rick tells me that
he had around six clients a week.

It's now a month since
he and I first met,

and he stopped
advertising his services.

Rick says he now
has only three left.

This is the last time
he'll see Amanda.

Do you know what Rick's
gonna do to you today?

I think maybe some bondage
and obviously some punishment.

Even now I'm starting to
sort of get into the role

of being a man and
being very submissive,

which is quite exciting.

I've put two tow rings on
because I find that that's

quite tarty, and I
really do love fishnets.

Again, that's

very tarty,

suspender belt.

It's a sort of a PVC costume that
I'm wearing, very, very revealing,

that I'm wearing.

Very, very revealing.

I like to wear this because if
there's any nipple torture to be had

or being whipped on my
back and my buttocks,

then it's obviously easy

access, so that's why I
like this, this kettle.

When I'm made up like this,

the punishment is actually

pleasure, and I quite enjoy it.

I quite enjoy the pain.

So I'm I'm really looking
forward to it now.

Has there been a moment when
you found yourself not able to

stop with a client?

I've been in a frenzy. Yes.

If they come into my domain
and I'm in a bad mood,

then I am gonna
take it out on them.

That's why they come back to me.

That's why they come back
because they know even with

that moment of frenziedness,
of pure violence,

of pure anger,

they're finding that a turn on.

That is what
they're looking for.

Rick says he's always been the dominant
partner in S and M relationships.

Kiss

it.

Sort you out.

I'm learning that rules are
important in the arrangement

between master and slave.

Rick has told Amanda to shout a safety
word when she wants him to stop.

Right. Remember.
What's the break word?

You remember? Boxer.

Boxer, sir. Yes, sir.

Okay? Yes, sir.

Soon as you say that, we break.

Alright. Sit there
and await your fate.

Rick has told me that he
likes to build fear and anticipation

in his clients by
leaving them locked up.

I'm also anxious.

I'm about to witness an S and M
session for the very first time.

Right. We're ready now. Okay?

I thought you were gonna
you don't wanna wait?

You don't wanna wait?

I'm an eager beaver.

Want some blood?

Bit more. I'm finished
with your ass here.

Feel that now?

Yeah? Yes, sir. It's
very painful, sir.

Nearly there, aren't we?

Yes, sir.

You're one word
away, wouldn't you?

One word away.

You read my mind, sir.

Yeah.

Open.

Just do a bit of tip work now.

That RCO is cooling down now.

Mhmm. Mhmm.

Good.

Deep breaths.

Deep breath.

Good work, Helen.

You're done.

Let's just curl up
the marks a bit.

You're not gonna be able to
show your ass for a few weeks.

That puts me up to
business then, doesn't it?

Yeah. I'm afraid it
does, being an old tart.

Fifty seven strokes in just
over forty seconds with a

leather strap and
studded paddle.

I'm shocked by how ferocious
it all was and because Rick

clearly enjoyed himself.

Let's have a look. It's a look.
It's a bit messy now, isn't it?

There's two wheels there.

That's the red toss
that's caught it.

So it's a longer toss, whereas
the other one was a paddle.

You know, that's full
on like that flat.

So I mean, bit more of that
and that would have broke the skin.

It's that side. It's
that side. Yeah.

That way you you But
you did very well.

I mean, you did absolutely
I didn't want to cry out,

but I did initially.

But I think sometimes,

I think you perhaps don't
quite know your own strength.

I mean, that that
that was more than

I mean, when when you when
you're being punished,

it it can be quite erotic.

But but that wasn't that
that was but, you know,

for me that was that was pain
and, that was punishment.

You're wanting it to stop and I
I certainly didn't feel a route.

At the peak of it,

it seems as though you
slightly almost lost yourself.

You know, just there was
something a bit more.

I suppose it's like a rage.

You you work
yourself up to a rage

and you can enjoy being in that
rage for that moment in time.

It's slightly edgy because
you you have lost control to a

certain degree and
you're in a momentum.

You caught up in the momentum and
you're trying to push yourself.

But for that split second
or then few seconds,

you're actually in a
state of ecstasy because

you're you've gone
past that barrier.

For a man who appears to actively
enjoy administering pain,

I'm starting to wonder how Rick will
be able to give it all up.

It's several months since we
first met and Rick takes me to

Piccadilly Circus, London.

Between nineteen eighty
and nineteen eighty three,

a twenty year old Rick left
home in the West Midlands to

work here as a rent boy.

Punters would be go
around in a circle.

They'd see you, and
they'd know you.

And then if they liked you,
they'd give you the nod.

And you'd pretend you're
looking in the window,

and then you start
the small talk.

You're here for the
day, and then they say,

are you doing business?

You'd say yes. They'd say
how much? You'd say fifteen.

You can get hand relief.

I used to specialize in
what I call a turbo wank.

Mate, no mistake about it.

I liked hunting here.

Going on the hunt here was exciting
for me because I was hunting humans,

and they were my trade.

You see, I was just
looking for a quick fix.

I was looking for
the regular punter.

I wanted to learn about the
people and to exploit their lives.

I wanted to get
into their house,

into their lives to find out
about them because then I could

make more demands on them
then as as an operator.

Rick says that while servicing
upmarket clients in the West

End, he was first
introduced to S and M.

He recalls an incident at the time
which then turned him into a master.

I met a client.

He wanted to be coughed and
then beat in his hotel room.

Perfectly acceptable, run
of the mill job for me.

So we got to the room

and he showed me the cuffs.

And he said, these are
very special cuffs.

I need to show you
how to use them,

because we don't
wanna get in a mess.

Foolishly,

I put my hands out and
straight away they were locked.

And that was me, doomed,

because then he
suddenly changed,

and he became the master.

He got me onto the floor,

and he sat on my chest.

He got his cock
out which was hard,

and he made me gag on it.

And then he got a
knife and he said,

I've got this knife out of a bag

and I've kept this knife embedded
in a piece of rotting meat.

I've kept it warm, and it's
just come straight out the bag.

And he slit my chest with it.

Not very deep, just
enough to break the skin.

And he said, that's
the mark of a master.

I'm a master, and I'm
not gonna be around.

So I'm gonna leave my mark on
you. You're the chosen one.

Rick claims the wound became
infected from the attack,

and his body still
bears the scar.

This was the moment, he says,

when he vowed to never
play the slave again.

Any one master here,
boy? That's me.

Do you understand me? Yes, sir.

Right now, you belong to me.

You're my property, boy.

And I said, work on
it. You can take it.

Good. Breathe in. Nineteen.

That's it. Block it up. Block
it up. Go on. You can take it.

That's

Take it.

Bit more. Bit more. Bit more.
Bit more. Bit more. Good.

Good.

Good.

Rick has always
been a keen boxer.

Now he's seeing fewer clients,

he is forever working
out in his local gym.

I seem to be spending more and more
of my time watching him watch himself.

I love the whole bit about it.

Being fit, being in

the environment where
there's, you know,

there's there's
controlled violence.

You gotta like it.

Yeah. We do it because we
enjoy it. We enjoy being hit.

We enjoy being scared.

Right. Make a
trainer of you yet.

Get that shirt off the road.

Rick confesses that violence
has been an important part of

his life since his school days.

I remember being
bullied at school, and

I remember the control this lad
had over me just with his voice.

I only had to hear his voice and
I was already in a shrine state.

I wasn't a confident
person then.

I didn't have a great
physical presence.

He polluted me, he
polluted my mind,

he made me do things because
he was conditioning me.

All the time I was like
his laptop following along.

His little lieutenant, if
he barked an order,

I went running.

I didn't like attacking people.

But it was all under duress.

I didn't wanna do it.

But having done it, I
then got a taste for it.

I love shoplifting.

I I went on to
shoplift for years.

I couldn't go into a shop and
not walk out with something.

It became an addiction.

I'm a very addictive person.

I get hooked on things,

and then it's hard to
shake these habits off.

In his teens, boxing saved
Rick from the playground bully.

Now in his mid forties,

he admits that he's not
as strong as he once was.

I'm looking for a way out.

I shouldn't be doing that.

I should be like attacking it
more, more, more, and I'm not.

I'm backing off.

As soon as it gets a bit strong,

I've had enough now.

It's almost

me wanting

I'm wanting to be
punished in some ways.

I like the punishment as well.

Maybe I'm masochistic,

but it teaches me.

It's like a humbling,

and I think Jesus wants us
to be humbled all the time.

I now understand why
Rick likes boxing,

but I was really surprised when
he broke the news that he's a

committed Christian and attends
church on a weekly basis.

He says he sees no
contradiction at all and that

he's able to keep all of the different
parts of his life in separate boxes.

He tells me that it's time
to get to know him better,

time to take me back to his hometown
and show me more of his past.

My father left when I was nine,

so I was brought up by
my mother on her own.

She had two other
children to bring up,

and it was very difficult.

Once my father left, I seemed to

go within my own world.

And that meant putting my
life into compartments.

And I've learned that the best
way of coping with trauma and

stress is to put things,

put parts of your life
into compartments.

Rick takes me to where
his father is buried.

He says that when he was nine,

his father left home
for another woman.

His father died eight years ago.

When I was a child, I I pined
for him every day of the week.

You know, I I I think I
was a daddy's boy and,

I think I numb the pain

over the years.

He was an alcoholic.

Oh, he's very promiscuous.

And he was into deviant forms
of sex, scanned mags, hardcore.

Cheers, dad.

I mean, he had a a dog once
that he used on various women.

He paid them to go with his dog.

I mean, that's
pretty bizarre stuff.

I also supplied him with porn.

So we've got connection
there about sex.

You know, he asked me to get
him videos. I got him videos.

To find out how he
died by his own hand,

that upset me.

I tried it once and he
was the one who found me.

Dying by paracetamol overdose
is what I was gonna do and

that's what he
succeeded in doing.

So you want to try to
take your own life?

Yeah. When I was seventeen.

Yeah.

I took fifty paracetamol

and a hundred

what was it?

Anidine and crushed them
all up into a pint glass,

put a pint of gin
on it and downed it.

But he was the one
who found me and,

you know, took me to hospital.

I find it a bit
disturbing really because

seemingly, he never got
his act together either.

Like father, like son.

As he tells it, when
Rick attempted suicide,

he was living in
this tower block.

He remembers rumors had been
circulating the estate that his

father was engaged in deviant

sex.

It was just depressing.

It really was.

I mean, every every night,

I'd stand on that balcony there
and just wonder what the fuck

I'm gonna do with myself.

Which balcony?

Second one up on
the corner here.

I was living with this older
woman. She's a prostitute.

She always had clients, former
clients coming around saying,

come on, you know,
let's do some business.

And I just get very
angry with them.

I got so angry, I bought
a gun in a catalog,

and I used to take potshots
off them from the balcony at night.

If they angered me, I
just bang, take that home.

So you used to take potshots
with air guns at Yeah.

I had a two two rifle.
I had telescopic sight.

That was a pretty good
shot. You know? Bang.

Steady your arm on there. It's
a bit like Lee Harvey Oswald.

You know? I had time
to steady myself.

You

know.

At the time, Rick was drifting
through a series of dead end jobs

and then found work
as a park keeper.

One day, in this park, he
says that he was accosted.

What happened with
the bloke in the park?

I knew him to say hello
to, and for weeks,

I've been talking to him.

And he'd sit there on the
park, very well dressed,

and I just engage
him in conversation.

And and it it just
escalated one day,

and he offered to solve my money
problems if I go and have sex with him.

He took me off three times,
and then he refused to pay.

He was conning me.

I was already an angry man,
so he just he lit a fuse.

And that night,
it just exploded.

I mean, I came back here.

Next minute, I'm got a
gun siege on my hands.

After Rick ran amok in his
flat with the air pistol,

he was arrested, sent for
psychiatric evaluation,

but was discharged
with only a caution.

You know, it's it's
it's followed me around.

It happens now and then.

What?

Losing control.

I mean, you know, it
does happen now and then.

It's just one of
them things with me.

You know?

And coming back here today and
looking back at this place,

what do you reckon to it?

It's still the shithole
it was when I was there.

It's just the biggest
shithole now because

I don't know. It doesn't
get better, does it?

Only gets worse.

Ripped off giving gay sex
at the age of nineteen,

a suicide attempt at seventeen,

and a father who walked out on him
at the age of nine and then died.

Rick's youth, as he recalls it,

is one of vulnerability
followed by rage.

If it's all true,

I can't help wondering if this is
why Rick beats men up for a living.

But then, a few days later, he
shares something more profound,

what he believes is his
life defining moment.

He was in his teens at school
and returning home from

training as an
amateur boxing man.

You know, when
you're doing that,

is it are you punching are
you do you picture someone who

you're having a go at or is
it just it's too intense in that?

The two guys that raped me.

But

I can't get them.

They're like that.

I didn't look at their faces.

I didn't see their faces.

They were behind me. One was
in front, one was behind me.

It's that.

Sorry, Ebony.

That's what he was doing.

You relax.

Keep the fucking shut.
That's what he kept saying.

Keep the fuck shut.

I was twelve. I was
coming home from boxing.

I haven't been boxing long,

so I was cocked short
but not altogether.

I was waiting for a bus.

I was approached

by a man from my
past who I trusted.

He said his wife would

give me sex.

I was curious,

needy,

and vulnerable.

And I wasn't afraid
because I trusted him.

I wasn't afraid at all. I
was excited. I was pumped up.

He said, she'll give you oral
sex and there'll be no questions.

She's just sat in a toilet and you just
have to put it through the partition.

There's a hole in the partition.

Just put it through
the partition

and she'll make you feel good.

So any boy, you know,

no sooner had I

unzipped,

got it out, put it in,

and it clamped down.

Slammed into the partition.

Didn't say a word. Just
slammed me in the partition.

There.

There. There.

There. There.

Finished.

Seconds.

I'm in shock.

The pain.

I couldn't believe the pain.

I couldn't believe
the amount of pain.

It just felt like my whole
ass was coming us coming away.

I could feel him breathing.
I could smell the smoke.

He smoked a certain

tobacco, and I could smell
it breathing down my neck.

Now fucking stay
there and don't move.

Don't move.

And they swapped over,
and he clamped me.

He clumped me, and the
big guy got behind me.

And he whispered,

sorry.

Sorry.

He said he was sorry.

For over twenty years, Rick has
been a sadomasochist master.

He's kept a record of his conquests
and wants to show me his trophies.

Right.

I'm gonna take you into the
history room now and show you

part of my past.

In here,

I've laid these photographs

out for you to see,

and

I've decided it's time I
got rid of them really.

They're photographs of what?

People that I've dealt
with in the past.

Various situations.

There's male, female,

transvestites,

indoor, outdoor.

I can look all of this
now and feel nothing.

Don't feel a thing. It
doesn't do anything for me.

Doesn't give me a hard on.

It used to, but it doesn't now.

This is a woman who used
to have various things

shoved in her bigger
the better, really.

So I play doctor,

and I use various
implements saying, well,

we've gotta do an
internal examination,

and you just keep putting
different implements of her.

And she'd get off
on it, you know.

She she'd have her orgasms.

And that's hot wax. Yeah.

And of course, the the
tits are tied and bound.

I mean, it's already blue.

You've gotta have
a flow of blood.

It's gotta flow
and not just sit,

and that's the blood just
sitting there, you know.

This,

picture of what
was that situation?

And that took about half an
hour of beating to get to that

point, and that guy wouldn't
use the break word until there

was blood all over that sheet.

So we hadn't even gone
through halfway there.

That sheet afterwards would
have been covered in blood.

He's got a cock harness on it.

It's like a former
chastity belt for men.

You have to put them on
when the man's erect.

The the tight leather strap
there will keep the blood

pumped up there.

Because I've done it
for monetary reasons,

I've never actually
turned on to it myself.

So I've been detached from it.

So fortunately, from
that point of view,

my taste is quite normal.

I'm probably really quite
boring in love. I don't know.

There you go. They're gonna go.

Which mean you're gonna go?

I'm gonna get rid of
them. I'm gonna burn them.

So you'll see me burn
them one day. Okay?

History gone.

Thus ended the lesson.

Rick has told me that he doesn't
plan to see any more clients.

Several weeks pass, then he calls
me to say he's doing one last

job and insists I come
over straight away.

You know, I tend to
wear leather because,

the beauty of leather is if you
get if you get anything down

it, it wipes off.

I mean, look.

There's remnants of

something there.

I don't know what that is. It's
some sort of shy grime or what.

I don't know. I've done that.

I'm not

these aren't for
posing in discos.

These are for work.

These are work trousers.

I like to coordinate,

so I'm gonna put my bandana
on that goes with these.

Sort of action man.

Yeah. Who am?

Kind of a commando look.

Here we go with the piss taking.

We're starting already,
aren't we? Yeah. Action man.

Whatever you want. Whatever
you want, I'll be your man.

So what's the procedure?

Well, he's due here
in five minutes.

He'll be bang on time.

You are gonna have to

I I'll tell you what. I'll
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll let you

come down

and see him before,

and then you're gonna
have to leave the room.

I don't know what to expect.
That's why I'm a little edgy.

I mean, you know, the moment
I drive my fist off his ass,

it might be end of story.

He will

experience a lot of discomfort,
and I'm not gonna stop.

So I told him once I
start, I'm not gonna stop.

So unlike,

you know, a beating session,

we're not gonna go down that
route where he'll say the brake

word will stop.

We're not we're
gonna go through it.

We he's got to go through
that pain barrier.

So and he's gagged.

I'm gagging him because I don't
want him shouting the break room.

So we're gonna go there.

And is he paying you for this?

Yes. He's paying
for the experience.

How much is he paying you?

It's a hundred.

So whether it lasts an hour or
whether it lasts ten minutes,

I don't in my experience,

I don't think it'll
last that long.

I think it'll be

quick, firm, but fair

Like I

always have.

Right. We're ready to begin now.

You're gonna have to leave.

I leave the basement
room and go upstairs.

Thankfully, all I have to
do is sit, wait, and listen.

Take it, and it's gonna hurt.

Now stop it.

Now relax. Relax.

Now take it out.

Count to three.

One,

two,

three.

Twenty five minutes later,
Rick calls me back down.

Right. We're done.

As you can see.

It's just part of the
human nature, human cycle.

What's what's
disgusting about it?

Don't judge me.

I'm gonna go wash
my hands first,

and then I'm gonna get a bucket
and come down and clean it.

So it'll take all
the two minutes,

so I'll be down with the bucket.

Don't ever say I
don't earn my money.

Ruin that.

God. So it's all
down the precipice?

Yeah.

Is that blasphemous?

Of course it's blasphemous.

It's blasphemous to have a fucking
thing like that in the first place.

I don't need you to
remind me of that.

Just hope God does
forgive me, you know?

For only the second time since
we've met, Rick is upset.

I seem to have
touched a raw nerve.

When we get back upstairs,
I ask him what's going on.

Have you made a living
exclusively over the

years through doing a
client here, a client there,

and paying you a
hundred pounds a time?

I've had one major client
that's been the backbone of

my life for fifteen years.

And he's given me the chance to

buy property that I can put
dungeons in and not have to

worry about whether the clients are
paying or whether they're just for fun.

And he died,

and that was, that
that that was painful.

I'm not sure

how I'm coping
with that, really.

I miss him.

I

miss him a lot, and

all was well.

I've spent over
a year with Rick.

I thought I was getting
to know him well.

Now he's telling me that he has
had a long term client who kept

him on a retainer.

So what would you do for him?

We'd go down through every facet

of mind, body, and soul.

And also,

we could just sit and
discuss anything and

pursue

it, s and m wise.

So, I mean, there wasn't any avenue
that we couldn't go down comfortably.

And to find someone like that
that you can have that sort of

relationship with is
few and far between.

I mean, you know, I always said
to him he was a gift from God.

It seems that the client who
has just died was someone who

Rick trusted would
always take care of him.

He had been relying on his
retainer to support him in life

after S and M.

He was just saying all
the time, you know,

don't worry when I'm gone,
you'll you'll be taken care of.

And now he's gone, I
haven't been taken care of.

And it's that feeling of
betrayal that he was saying

that just to keep me

at bay, so as to speak.

There's this emptiness now.

He's gone.

But also, you know, I can't
find out where I stood.

I thought I was

number one, and I wasn't.

I mean, I may have
been number ten.

He may have had him
all over the world.

I'll I'll never know that.

I can only imagine.

If Rick had a plan, then
right in front of me,

it suddenly seems
to be falling apart.

Think Richard Gere.

Right.

Let's go and hit him with it.

He now tells me that he wants
to step back in the boxing ring

for the first time
in over twenty years.

Does anybody like boxing?

Please say yes.

No.

I'm not selling you anything.

Honestly, I'm just doing
a promotion unboxing.

Do you like boxing?

Yeah.

As I join him on a seaside
promenade to promote the fight,

he appears to me to be
more isolated than ever.

You're in your world and it's
surrounded by perimeters and boundaries.

And all my boundaries
are being pulled into me,

and I'm feeling closed in,

Totally closed in on my own and
it's like the jailer wants to

lock me in and walk away
and throw away the key.

I can lose everything.

All the material things
as well and whatever.

The only thing I won't lose is
my faith and that gets stronger

and that's amazing.

I find that amazing.

People should if they believe
in God they should get

something out of this and say
to themselves, well, you know,

there's so many people that
turn away from God in their

moment of crisis and reject him.

I'm actually embracing him and
he's embracing me and he's he's

putting his big arms
around me and he's just

he's just

he's just stroking me.

It'll be alright.

How would it be alright?

I've got no idea, but I just
I've got my faith in him.

Can we cut?

It's just getting all
too much. You know?

I'm being pulled from
left, right, and center.

I

just can't,

I can't see a way
through it all.

I just don't know
what I'm gonna do.

What what what is a person
like me gonna do with a life?

Twelve months after deciding
to give up sadomasochism,

Rick starts to get
rid of his equipment.

He begins by destroying the
crucifix on which he has bound

and beaten some of his clients.

I've been humbled.
That's how it feels.

I feel like I've crucified
myself by doing this, so

maybe I needed to taste that,
to taste what it feels like.

I thought I was
God at one point.

There's only one God, and
it's certainly not me.

My opinion of Jesus is
he was in your face.

Mary Magdalene, you
know, he embraced her,

and he embraces me.

And that's the Jesus I
have in my heart, you know.

He doesn't look upon me
as the devil's disciple.

He looks upon me as a victim,

and he's there all the
time when I need him,

and I need him now big time.

Why did you want to do that?

I just wanted rid of it.

It's

blasphemous and I regret it.

As the crucifix doesn't
completely burn through,

Rick cuts it out instead.

That's it.

I feel happy about that now.

I shouldn't have got the damn
thing in the first place.

It's not what I asked for.

I asked for a what
I call a cross,

and he give me a crucifix.

There's a bit of a difference.

Some people call an x
shape a crucifix, so

they just want an empty.

Isn't what I asked for.

That's what I

got.

I'm gonna get some of the
stuff in the van to take

over to a punters of mine who's

gonna buy it off me.

So you're gonna sell it?

Not for a lot.

More interesting getting
rid of it, really.

You, boy.

Behave.

This, used to fill
it with cold water,

make them stand in it,
and then tit torture.

Throw it in for free.

This is top of the vaulting horse
that I used to use in the van.

Used to have chains coming down,

and they'd be on that and
do the thrashing on that.

So it's ideal.

Seeing some action that has.

And what? You used to
drive the van around?

Yeah. Like a takeaway service.

I thought I was being
a bit clever with it,

but it never really took off.

You could be driving
all around the country.

You get to someone's house,

and they'd go off the idea
of time you got there.

Well, that's all he's having.

He's getting a bargain for
a hundred quid, ain't he?

Since the recent death
of his long term client,

Rick says he now has to
raise every penny he can.

You're taking those doors down?

Yeah. I had them custom made.

So,

I'm not gonna be able to flog them to
anybody who's gonna put a dungeon in.

So I'll have to get them
to a scrap dealer and

take a pittance for them.

I ain't got a pension plan.

I ain't got any sort of
clever shares somewhere.

I haven't got,

a portfolio of properties
earning me money anymore,

because I've just spent
them thinking, well,

it doesn't matter.

There's more to come
than there isn't.

It's gone.

That's a bit scary because

what do I do?

In the past, in difficult times,

Rick says that the controlled
violence of the boxing ring has

helped keep his life together.

I join him at a trial
fight at his local gym,

which he hopes will be the
first bout of a new career.

I just thought I wanna
have a go at it again.

I want to feel that pain.

I want to feel the the punishing
side of being in the ring again.

I determined to go through
this one and see how it goes.

It's just

I'm driven.

I shouldn't be
doing it at my age.

I should not be
getting in the ring,

but I just wanna taste it again
and see what it feels like.

If you win, what will

it mean?

It will have proven to
submit to myself that

I've still got a strength there,

and maybe that strength will
carry me through giving up.

It is important to me. It's
not just a boxing match.

It's a psychological

plaster for me and I need it.

Rick's opponent was once
an amateur champion. Great.

The first two rounds
are fairly even.

But in the final round,
Rick takes a beating.

Rick.

And loses the fight.

Just terrible, ain't it?

Just felt my age.

Just couldn't get my shots off.

Kept grabbing him.

He's just holding
on for dear life.

I just wanted to survive.

That's where I went wrong.

I spent too much energy putting
the boots and tassels on.

And then I wanted
to gel my hair,

and that's where I head guard.

So that put me right off.

It was all vanity at
the end of the day.

I thought, you
can't gel my hair.

What's the point?

What a vain bastard I am.

Where did it come from?

I've followed Rick
for more than a year.

He's told me about
his troubled past.

I've watched him with what he
says are his last clients and

seen and heard things that
I could never have imagined.

But I still feel there are some
things which have been left unsaid.

And then, perhaps because he has
no one else left to confide in,

he tells me, when
it's just him and me.

In your mind,

will all this give up S and M?

Looking forward, I
mean, what is there?

Let's think about all the
hundreds of things which one

can do to earn a living
in within humanity.

What is that?

Bouncer?

Policeman?

Jailer?

Surgeon.

Covering my hands.

Plumber clearing tubes.
We're playing on words now.

But We're not playing on words.

We're having a
serious conversation.

I can't think of anything.
Do you want the honest truth?

I'm giving you the honest truth.

I can't think of anything
that turns me on enough.

I'm just gonna drift
from one day to the next,

hoping and praying somebody's gonna
come along and say, this is it.

But at the moment, I can't
answer that question.

I really can't.

And I'm not gonna make
something up for you to

just have.

I haven't got anything.
There's nothing in there.

There's nothing in there
for me to tell you.

There's nothing.
I'm in a wilderness.

I'm walking off
into a wilderness.

And I just hope someone's
gonna find me and say, well,

you know, have you tried this?

Because at the moment, I can't
come up with their mountains.

And that's the frightening bit.

I am frightened,
really frightened.

Because,

you know, I'm a loose cannon.

And if I'm not busy,
and if I'm not focused,

and if I haven't got
all this, who am I?

I've lost my identity.
I've lost me.

I've been doing this for
so long, twenty five years.

It's more than half my life.

And yet, I'm giving
it up to do what?

I'm I'm not even giving
it up to do anything.

There's nothing there.

I'm just giving
it up. That's all.

You've gone on this journey of
giving up and you've sort of

got to a stage where you
can't kind of dress up anymore

This is you now

What do you see when
you just see you?

What do you see?

I see a boy

crying.

Hurt.

That's what I see.

Who's the boy?

The boy who's deserted,
the boy who's raped,

the boy who's left to
be a man too early.

It's just that
moment of rejection

of being rejected by my father.

What was the moment?

Me clinging to his leg,

begging him not to go.

Where was this?

At home

the night he left.

He got a big,

long coat on that he
used for the buses,

like a military coat.

I love that coat.

I didn't want it to go.

And it did.

I begged it, and I screamed,

And it still went.

Have you ever

been lost in a different world