Original subtitles

Earl, I need you to drive over toJoy's and punch her in the face.

I don't think that's a good idea, Randy.

Are you sayin' that because it's a great idea?

- She did it again, didn't she? - Uh-huh.

And it was a real fancy bird.

[Earl Narrating] Randy had invested a lot ofhis time and my money...

into the Crab Shack claw machine.

- I won a horse! - Who won a horse?

- # Mattie told Hattie # - But thanks toJoy, he didn't have much to show for it.

#About a thing she saw #

- I won a spider! - I will take that. Thank you.

#And a woolyjaw Wooly bully #

I won a bird dressed up for a wedding. You're not gettin' it.

- # Wooly bully # - Catch.

- # Wooly bully # - [Joy Laughing]

#Woolly bully Watch it now, watch it #

- # You got it You got it ## - [Crying]

Randy, you're 32 years old.

I can't protect you from your bullies forever.

You need to learn to stick up for yourself. Joy's not goin' anywhere.

- She's part of our lives. - Man!

I'm always gonna regret givin' her that Heimlich.

I mean, first she sued me, and now this?

Look, I know I go overboard lookin' out for you...

but I'm not doin' it anymore.

And while we're at it, I'm not kissin' your boo-boos anymore either.

- It's gettin' awkward. - Even when we're alone?

Especially when we're alone.

You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things...

and then wonders why his life sucks?

Well, that was me. Every time somethin'good happened to me...

somethin'bad was always waitin' around the corner.

Karma.

That's when I realized I had to change.

So I made a list of everything bad I've ever done...

and, one by one, I'm gonna make up for all my mistakes.

I'm just tryin'to be a better person.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] While Randy was bummed...

becauseJoy kept takin' his claw machine toys, I was kinda happy...

- 'cause it reminded me of something on my list. - [Randy] Hmmm.

Hmmm.

Randy, this tantrum is gettin' out of control.

Here we go. Number 32- bullied Wally Panzer.

[Earl Narrating] When I was in the eighth grade...

my parents made a last-ditch effort to fix me- Catholic school.

I knew that the new kid at school usually got picked on...

unless there was someone lower on the totem pole than him...

so I decided to make that happen.

[Grunts]

[Screaming]

That kid loves butterflies.

And he hates when they die.

Wally Panzer? More like Wally Pansy.

[Earl Narrating] And once I smelled blood in the water...

I didn't let up.

- [Laughing] - Hey, everyone, look.

It's Pants-less Pansy.

[Earl Narrating] But, like most things in life, I pushed it too far.

- [Chanting] Pansy! Pansy! Pansy! - Even though I got kicked out...

my legacy lived on.

Wally wasn't hard to find since if you hadn't left Camden by grade school...

odds are you weren't leaving Camden at all.

Okay, the way I remember it, this guy was pretty delicate as a kid...

so try to be as friendly as possible.

I don't want to spook him.

- What do you want? - Uh, are you, uh, Wally Panzer?

Yeah. Who are you?

- Cliff. - You here about my ad in The PennySaver?

- Mm-hmm. - Awesome.

I hope you're ready for some pain.

I'm gonna get my belt.

Man, you must be scared. You forgot your name.

I didn't forget my name, Randy. I just don't want him to know who I am.

Why is he gettin' his belt?

That's what Dad used to say. Are we gonna get spanked?

I guess it depends on what's in his ad.

Why don't you just tell him why you're here?

Because if I tell him who I am, he'll probably kill me.

I'm gonna have to try to cross him off the list...

without him ever knowin' who I am.

We're just gonna have to take our chances with the ad.

- What if his ad is sex? - I hope it's not sex.

All right. You guys ready to pump?

Oh, God. He does want to have sex with us.

"Us"? You. Cliff answered the ad.

Come on. Let's hit the gym.

Ahhh. We're gonna work out together.

Awesome. I hope this gym has group showers like the ones we had at school.

I want to show everybody I have hair now.

[Earl Narrating] I wasn't sure how karma was gonna feel about me lyin'...

but it turns out karma already had a plan in motion-

to torture me the way I tortured Wally.

What the hell'd you do that for?

To get us pumped!

Come on, Cliff. Hit me back.

Go ahead.

Good. [Grunts]

Wally was so hard-core, he'd already broken three partners before me.

Come on, Cliff. Push it.

You can do it. Two more. It's all you.

How about a little less me and- [Spits] a little more you?

- Here we go. - [Groans]

It slipped. I'll get it.

- Come on. - What do you say we take a quick break?

So I figured if I got big and strong...

my bully would leave me alone.

How long do I have to bounce on this thing before I look like you guys?

You wanna really get ripped, you gotta work with some free weights.

Good. 'Cause I don't have any money.

Don't worry, man. We'll buff you out.

[Chuckles] So, uh, how big is your bully?

About this tall...

this wide and...

about a 32 "C."

Wait. Your bully's a girl?

Really tough girl-

32 "C."

Dude, if your bully's a girl, it's not about how big you are.

It's about confidence.

What you need is 100% pure shark adrenaline. It'll turn you into a beast.

You'll destroy everyone and everything that gets in your way.

Especially baby seals.

Mmm, man. What I wouldn't give for a baby seal right now.

- [Grunts] - Cool. So what's it taste like?

Uh, the drugs, not the baby seal. I know what those taste like.

Oh, you don't drink this. You inject it into your scrotum.

Yeah.

[Screaming] Oh, my God!

That's my scrotum?

[Screams]

[Groaning]

[Earl] Mr. Camden, huh?

Pretty big deal.

I was there when Mr. Camden 1998 cut the ribbon...

at the opening ceremony of the new welfare office.

Me and my brother were third in line.

Ah, the Mr. Camden competition is stupid.

Stupid? Really?

Look at all this stuff you can win.

You could get a month's worth of somethin' called DVD rentals...

an office-quality paper shredder...

and a gift certificate for all you can eat sushi...

from Sensei Yum Yum's.

Okay, fine. Yes, of course I wanna win.

It's always been a dream of mine.

But there's just some stuff I'm not willin' to do.

[Earl Narrating] Wally told me competin'in Mr. Camden...

- involved a lot of things other than just muscles. - [Crowd Cheering]

You were expected to shave everything that wasn't covered by tiny pants...

have a head-to-toe tan...

and oil yourselflike a catcher's mitt...

and Wally wasn't into that stuff.

[Roaring]

I don't care if that contest comes with a talking pet monkey.

It ain't worth turnin' myself into a pansy.

I knew something was wrong, 'cause no man would turn down a talking pet monkey.

Then I realized- Me callin' Wally a pansy when we were kids...

was stoppin'him from trying to be Mr. Camden.

Randy, you're not gonna believe what just happened.

I was just gonna say the same thing.

I know how I can cross Wally off my list.

I'm gonna help him get over his fear so he can win the Mr. Camden competition.

See ya later, buddy.

I just got a shot in my balls.

Look, I've been thinkin'.

You're the biggest, strongest guy I've ever seen. You should be Mr. Camden.

It just makes sense, like how the biggest, strongest peanut became Mr. Peanut.

- What? - It's true. Don't you ever read the jar?

Cliff, dudes like me and you- We don't do all that pansy stuff.

We wear flannel. We have body hair.

We really like soups that are so hearty, you eat them with a fork.

Are you kiddin'? I'm totally gonna do all that bodybuilder stuff...

as soon as I'm ripped like you.

Why do you think I was lookin' for a training partner?

I don't know, Cliff.

Come on. W-We'll do it together.

Two men shavin', tannin', oilin' each other up.

We won't talk about it. We'll just do it.

All right.

If a man's man like you can do it, then I guess I can too.

Hot damn. I'm gonna be Mr. Camden.

Let's get psyched.

[Groans]

Good. Good.

Uh, could we work out some kinda signal before you do that?

[Earl Narrating] Just like Marcus and Kyle had promised...

that shark adrenaline was starting to affect Randy's attitude.

Hand over the floppy puppy.

- You're not gettin' my floppy puppy. - Gimme the floppy puppy.

No. Mine! [Guttural Voice] Mine!

Kill her. Kill her. I know a guy who can make any death look like a suicide.

[Snarls]

- [Growling] - Fine! Keep the stupid dog.

Big baby.

I did it! Victory.

I got my floppy puppy.

But I had to burn through my week's supply of that shark adrenaline.

- I'm gonna need more. - Well, Kyle should be back from-

[Guttural Voice] Now.

[Earl Narrating] To help Wally win the Mr. Camden title...

I was gonna have to do some things that made me uncomfortable-

smooth, but uncomfortable.

I don't know. This doesn't feel right.

Come on. It's perfectly manly to do this.

And these lady razors are exactly like the men's.

They'rejust a little more flexible...

to move with the contours of our legs.

- Okay. - [Earl Narrating] It looked like I had Wally...

on the road to becoming Mr. Camden.

I just didn't know trouble was comin'around the corner.

[Gasps]

Bros! What the hell?

Relax, Randy. We're just shavin' for the competition.

What are you competin' for, who gets to be on the bottom? Pansies.

What's he talkin' about?

Tell him, Cliff. We're not pansies.

"Cliff"? You still stickin' with that name?

You haven't told him who you really are?

Wh-Wh-What are you talkin' about, Randy?

L-I am who I am. I'm Cliff.

Man, I don't know which one of you is a bigger pansy-

Wally for actually bein' a pansy...

or you for bein' too afraid to tell him your real name...

Earl.

- Wait a minute. Earl? - [Door Closes]

Pansy?

Earl Hickey?

[Stammering] I guess Cliff is more-more of a nickname.

But-But look, I can explain.

I always dreamed I'd run into you again, Earl Hickey.

L-I dream about stuff too.

[Squeals]

I'm glad you're here. You can clean up my splatter, lady legs.

- Randy, what the hell has gotten into you? - Shark adrenaline.

- That's what's gotten into me, and I love it. - [Pounding]

- [Screams] - [Growling]

- [Screaming] - Damn it, Earl. Open this door.

Well, just, uh-Just give me a second.

Let me at least get my jeans on.

I don't wanna die in my underpants.

Unlock it, Earl. Take your medicine like a man.

[High-pitched Voice] No way. What? You pee blue.

Aaah! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Aaah! - [Clattering]

[Groans] I'm really sorry. I got a list.

- [Grunts] - It's a karma list. It's really hard to explain.

- I was just trying to help. - By making me look like a pansy?

- [Squealing] No! - [Grunts]

Hey, fella, you wanna party?

I'm not sharin' mine.

What the hell are you doin; jerk?

This was my favorite wall.

Randy, no, no, no, no, no.

[Earl Narrating] I wanted to get things under control before they got too crazy.

#Keep your eyes on the road #

- # Your hands upon the wheel # - [Roars]

#Keep your eyes on the road #

#Your hands upon the wheel #

- You take back what you said. - # We're goin'to the roadhouse #

- [Groans] - # We're gonna have a real good time #

Aaah! Thanks. You just released more shark juice from my scrote.

- [Groans] - No, no, no, no! No, Randy.

- [Bellows] - [Screams]

Randy, you gotta stop this before you get-

[Grunts] Wally, hold on. I'm tryin' to-

[Groaning]

Cut it out, spaz!

- [Groans] - # Let it roll #

#All night long #

[Earl Narrating] It was no fun being in the middle of two monsters...

- but they were monsters I had created. - Randy!

I created one by telling him to stand up for himself...

and the other by pushing him down.

[Groaning, Grunting]

[Horn Honking]

Sam, I'm goin' around back to grab some ice. You mind watching the bar for a second?

[Snarling]

- # Well, I woke up this mornin'# - Who's a pansy now, huh?

- # I got myself a beer# - Okay, come on.

[Roars]

#Well, I woke up this morning #

- # And I got myself a beer# - [Snarling]

#The future's uncertain And the end is always near#

[Grunting]

#Let it roll, baby, roll #

#Let it roll, baby, roll #

#Let it roll, baby, roll #

#Let it roll #

Aaah!

- # All night long ## - What the-

[Earl Narrating] There was only one thing that could distract Randy...

from fightin'with Wally-

the return ofhis original bully, Joy.

She got my babies!

[Grunting]

Sam, may we have a word?

[Earl Narrating] It took me 20 minutes to get into my car...

but I knew I had to do whatever it took to stop Randy before he killed somebody...

and I wasn't the only one lookin'for him.

Wally was also following the path of destruction.

- Hey! Where's the guy who did this? - [Muffled]

I should have guessed that path of destruction would only lead to one place.

So I told that teacher, "I'm glad my son's flunkin' Spanish.

Frankly, I'd be disappointed if he wasn't."

- Oh, God. - I want my claw machine toys.

All of'em, including the ones you took today.

Eugenia, call the police right now. I'm at-

I'll get you a bag.

[Earl Narrating] Randy was happy he got all ofhis toys-

- well, except for one. - [Squeaking]

Give me that bird dressed for a wedding.

- Hey, Uncle Randy. - I said I want my dressed-up birdie, punk.

- But it's mine. Mommy got it for me yesterday. - Gimme that dressed-up birdie!

[Squeaks]

[Earl Narrating] Though nothin'had stopped this monster so far-

- [Sobbing] - there was one thing he wasn't prepared for.

Even though the shark adrenaline had completely taken over his brain...

there was still one thing that could get through to the old Randy:

The cry of a bullied child...

especially since this time he was the bully.

Oh, my God. What am I doin'?

But when I came around that corner...

all I saw was a juiced-up maniac headin'right for a kid.

[Yelling, Groaning]

Sorry, buddy, but- [Panting]

You turned into a monster.

But it wasn't your fault though.

I pushed you to be a tough guy and stand up toJoy...

but you're not a tough guy.

You're a sweet, gentle, sensitive guy.

L- I shouldn't have made you change.

Bein' sweet and sensitive is a good thing. Randy?

[Earl Narrating] Randy didn't hear me since his brain was kinda swollen at the time...

but my words did have an effect on someone.

You know what, Earl?

I used to be sensitive too.

Wally had been sensitive, but I made him ashamed of it back when we were kids.

I'm sorry, Wally.

I should have never bullied that out of you.

Something about what I said made Wally realize...

that you might be able to change how you look on the outside-

- [Crowd Cheering, Clapping] - but you can't change who you are on the inside.

No matter how big and strong Wally made his outer shell...

he couldn't change the sweetness inside he was trying to protect.

And Wally was finally ready to embrace both of those people-

the bodybuilder and the little kid who loved butterflies.

And, like a butterfly, Wally finally came out ofhis cocoon...

and became the person he was meant to be.

[Grunts]

[Grunts]

[Exhales]

[Grunts]

- [Snorts] - Sorry again.

For what?

Oh, hittin' me with the car? That's okay.

- Hey, Earl? - Yeah, Randy?

Do you think kryptonite works on people who aren't Superman?

I don't know. Probably not.

- What about garlic? - That only works on vampires.

- Apples? - Pretty sure that's only for doctors.

- Who you tryin' to keep away? - Joy.

- Try hummus. - Thanks, Earl.

Good night, Randy.

Good night, Earl.