Original subtitles

[Earl Narrating] With Joy and Darnell in the Witness Protection program...

me and Randy were back in the trailer and enjoying the luxury of getting our own beds.

[Water Sloshing]

Damn it, Randy. Every night you're climbing into bed with me.

- You got your own room now. - There's a scary, scratchy noise out there.

Like a bush rubbing against the door scratchin'...

or like the Shower Cap Killer scratchin'?

No one's ever heard the Shower Cap Killer and survived.

Except for that one woman, and he cut out her tongue.

Until she learns to use a fake one, it's all just-

[Muffled] The Shower Cap Killer- He cut out my tongue.

[Babbling]

[Babbling, Laughing]

Wait. That could be us. Grab a weapon.

- [Crickets Chirping] - [Scratching]

- I can't see anything. - That makes sense.

Some say the Shower Cap Killer's a kid.

[Scratching Continues]

Ready?

One, two, three!

[Both Shout]

[Both] Hey!

[Earl Narrating] Ever sinceJoy lost Mr. Turtle offher car roof...

he'd been on a long journey home.

He escaped from pet-loving nudists.

He participated in his first marathon.

- He got into a little trouble with drugs and alcohol. - [Siren Wailing]

- [Man Shouting] - [Gunshots]

- [Screaming] - And he saw some things he shouldn't have seen.

He even took a lover for a few days.

But now he found his way back.

Welcome home.

I don't know how to break the news to you, so I'm just gonna spit it out.

Joy, Darnell and the kids were put into Witness Protection and we'll never see 'em again.

- He's freaking out. - Yeah.

Let's put him in his fish tank till he calms down.

Hold on, Earl. As long as Darnell's not here, I've got some unfinished business.

[Gurgles]

That was for ruining my chances with the girl at the Crab Shack Christmas party.

My name is Earl.

[Earl Narrating] Ever since Darnell was taken away by Witness Protection...

the Crab Shack got a little more... festive.

- # Wake me up before you go-go # - Oh, coasters, please.

I just waxed the bar.

I still can't believe you work here now.

Just picking up a couple of shifts while Darnell's gone.

My I RA's in the dumper.

What you and Ira do behind closed doors is none of my business.

Hey, you should try something off Kenny's new martini menu.

- He named the drinks after Sex and the City characters. - Earl, I'll bet you're a Carrie.

[Catalina] I don't want to sound conceited...

but I think Mr. Turtle just looked at me and licked his lips.

Oh, he's probablyjust hungry. We haven't fed him yet.

Hold on there, little fella. I got your food right here.

Darnell- or as you know him, Mr. Human-

left that for ya.

The hell?

"Dear Earl: If you're using this food I left you...

"that means you found Mr. Turtle.

Please call me." And there's a number.

Kenny, let me use the phone.

And I told the jerk, "Endless breadsticks and salad...

means endless breadsticks and salad!"

- [All Laughing] - [Cell Phone Ringing]

- Excuse me, folks. - [Ringing Continues]

- [Beeps] - Hello?

- Darnell? - So I'm gone for a week and there's no "Hey, Crabman"?

Well, I guess life goes on.

Hey, Crabman.

Hey, Earl.

So did you find Mr. Turtle, or did Randy just get into the turtle food?

[Crunching]

[Earl Narrating] I told Darnell about finding Mr. Turtle...

so he gave me his new address for me to ship the little guy to him.

Then he asked me to destroy the paper I wrote it down for all of our safety.

And don't worry. I won't give anyone else this phone number.

This phone is dead now anyway. Good-bye, Earl, and thanks.

You can'tjust ship a turtle, Earl. It's not like a vase or a person.

You have the address. Why don't you just drive Mr. Turtle down there yourself?

Bruce!

[Earl Narrating] As I sat there, I wondered: Was Kenny right?

Was sending the turtle via snail mail a snafu...

or was I just talking myself into making me the priority mail?

Screw this. I want a beer.

So the next morning, me and Mr. Turtle hit the road.

I didn't take Randy 'cause long drives made him carsick...

and the medicine for that made him hungry.

It was an endless cycle we both wanted to avoid.

I miss Earl already. I know in my heart it's better that he left me behind...

but it's still weird sitting here at the bar by myself.

If you want company, the Camden Men's Glee Club will be performing...

a Top Gun tribute at the air show.

They're holding auditions. I am hoping for Maverick.

Thanks anyway, but I have to go home to that empty trailer at some point.

I know what it's like to miss somebody...

especially when the two of you have been living together.

But it gets easier, I promise you.

- I'm Jim. - Randy.

Maybe I can take you to a movie later, help get your mind off things.

Sure. And I'll try not to fill up on junk food here...

so I can eat a good dinner at the theater.

[Chuckles]

[Barking]

[Earl Narrating] After driving all night...

and convincing the guard atJoy and Darnell's gated community...

that I was an exotic pet delivery boy...

I finally made it to their house.

Barely.

[Knocking]

Earl! What the hell?

Wow, Joy. You look like the weather lady from Channel 4.

My name is Goldie now. Get inside!

L-I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin your Witness Protection identity, but-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our lives are in constant danger.

Blah, blah, blah. I have got bigger fish to fry.

[Earl Narrating]Joy wasn't as concerned about my presence threatening her life...

as she was worried about it threatening her social life.

She was having trouble being accepted by the local women.

This is my signature Swiss Colony cheese ball.

Then for dessert, we've got a Ritz mock apple pie.

You'll swear it's got real apples in it. But it's just wet crackers.

No offense, Goldie, but we're really not used to eating like this.

- What do you mean? - It's a little high-fat.

Oh, come on, ladies. Live a little. It's a party.

- Yeah, in a trailer park. - [Laughing]

Well, you guessed the theme!

It's a white trash party.

Oh! That is funny.

And that explains all the tacky crap in your hair.

Yes. That's right.

Anything for a laugh.

I try my best to be friends with these women, but it's like they can smell Camden on my skin.

Joy, you spend a decade living by the hog rendering plant, it's gonna get into your pores.

I lived upwind from Porkweiser. That's not it.

Snobs like that have always looked down on me.

In high school, my mom gave me a rabbit fur jacket for Christmas.

I was so proud to show if off...

till one of those rich girls pointed out it was a coat she'd given to Goodwill.

She showed everybody where her pet rabbit had humped it.

- I thought it was a elbow patch. - I hear ya.

In high school, the rich kids would make fun of me...

for wearing the same two shirts over and over.

I swore when I grew up, I'd have a flannel for every day of the week.

And I do. By God, I do.

I still have a chance with these women.

They haven't decided if I'm in or out.

If they see somebody like you here, I'm definitely out.

Look here, drifter, I don't care if you were in the Vietnam War. I'm not giving you any soup!

Now beat it, Rambo!

[Earl Narrating] Since this was important toJoy, I knew I had to sneak out of there...

before I did anything that would ruin her chances of fittin'in.

- [Engine Starts] - [Backfires]

- [Dog Whimpering] - [Engine Turns Off]

What the hell was that noise?

L-l-I think I blinded one of your neighbor's dogs.

No!

[Yelps]

Yup.

Joy, I think I blinded him.

- [Whines] - What if he's somebody's Seeing Eye dog?

- I gotta get help. - He's obviously a stray. Look how dirty his cardigan is.

Just take that thing back to Camden with you.

Give it to Catalina. She can dust with it.

No, I do not have any leftover mouthwash you can drink!

Get out of here, you drunk bum!

[Earl Narrating] While I figured out how to help that dog...

Randy had a new friend looking after him too.

Good idea, renting a video instead of going to the movies.

I can't believe there's a Patrick Swayze movie I've never seen before.

To Wong Foo. That sounds like it's got a lot of ass-kicking.

Yeah. Here, taste.

What do you think?

Spaghetti sauce!

[Laughs] Okay.

Sarcastic. I like that.

Hey, you got a little, uh-

Earl used to clean food off me.

You know, you talk about Earl quite a lot. How long were you two together?

- Forever. - Yeah, I know how that feels.

Hardest part's gonna be sleeping in that big bed without him.

[Sighs]

If you let me, I can be your Earl.

Awesome! Sleepover!

Okay! [Laughing]

[Jim] All right.

[Earl Narrating] I took the dog to the vet...

and because it had eaten somethin' called a tracking chip...

she could tell me that its owner lived a few doors down from Joy.

The vet also said it would be a few days before the dog got its sight back.

[Urinating]

[Knocking]

Um, hello.

Do you own a dog named Gooky?

Oh, my- Gucci!

Gucci, baby, what happened to you?

[Earl Narrating] I was nervous how Carol was gonna react...

since I knew how much rich ladies love their tiny dogs...

so I explained to her all about my list and how I was gonna make it right.

The vet says Gucci's gonna be fine, but l-I'd really like to make it up to you.

- Tell me more about this karma. - Excuse me?

Turns out, she was more interested in me than her dog.

Carol and her rich friends couldn't sleep.

- It's like their minds just wouldn't shut off. - # I want a new drug #

- They tried sleeping pills. They tried martinis. - # One that won't make me sick #

They even considered having sex with their husbands, but nothin'helped.

They couldn't quite put their finger on it.

- # I want a new drug ## - Somethin'was makin' 'em restless.

Even though during the day they looked very put together...

at night they were fallin'apart.

In trying to fill that void and get some peace of mind...

they were always chasing the latest spiritual fad.

They tried some kind ofhot and sweaty yoga.

- [Screaming] - They tried something called primal scream therapy.

- [Gasps, Screams] - [Screaming]

They even tried some kind of fast...

where they only drank shakes made out of creek water and lawn clippings.

- [Glass Shatters] - [Grunts]

- Even though none of those things worked... - [No Audible Dialogue]

They weren't about to stop looking for one that did.

My friends are gonna love you.

[Women Laughing, Chattering]

Everyone. This is Earl.

He has this amazing new program called "The List."

It's just karma.

You know, "Do good things, good things happen."

Isn't that just a fabulous mantra? "Good things happen"!

[Earl Narrating] And that's when Joy realized I might be her ticket to the inner circle.

Yeah, it's very spiritual.

Earl is actually an old friend.

Guide. Friend-guide.

He is my spiritual guru.

- Goldie, you have to share him. - Oh, of course.

[Clears Throat] Why don't you all come to my place tomorrow...

for a little talky party...

and he can throw some guru stuff at ya?

"Do good things." "Stitch in time." "Everybody walk the dinosaur."

- Crap like that. You'll see. - [Chuckling]

[TV: Cartoon]

- I'm really glad you asked me to spend the night. - Me too.

Now I can finally get some sleep.

Oh.

Oh, I get it. Sleep.

You're right, you're right. Things are going too fast.

We should just slow everything way down.

Ohhhhhhh-kaaaaay.

- Good night, Jim. - Good night, Randy.

[Earl Narrating] Even though me and Joy had prepared a pretty fancy presentation...

I was still nervous.

Standing up there in front of all these rich women, I finally understood whatJoy felt.

Welcome. Karma.

[Clears Throat] The Webster's dictionary...

defines "karma" as "the force generated by a person's actions...

"held in Hinduism and Buddhism...

to perpetuate transmigra-"

Trans-ma-something.

[Earl Narrating] Things started out shaky...

but when I ran out of stuff to read off my hand...

andjust starting talking from my heart, it got easier.

So then I helped the two army buddies make up...

and everyone lived happily ever after.

- Aw. - That's really nice.

And it wasn't long before I had 'em eating out of my hands.

Not only did me and Randy do that cheerleading routine, we nailed it.

Oh! Bravo!

[Earl Narrating] So the women decided to give karma a try...

and number 1 on all their lists was mistreating their maids.

I'm so sorry that I made you walk all the way down to the gas station...

whenever you needed to use the bathroom.

From now on, Lupe, "mi toiletta es su toiletta."

I'm sorry I made you dress up like Dora the Explorer...

at my niece's birthday party.

I didn't think you'd get bitten as much as you did.

I'm so sorry I made you work on Christmas...

but the kids kept crying for Brown Mommy.

Joy. The rich people like us.

I know.

Carol let me borrow her lip gloss and didn't even wipe it off when I gave it back to her.

Who would've guessed the two of us...

would be sitting in a swanky house with an ice maker...

drinking fancy rich-lady drinks and eating baby egg pies?

"Egg pies"? Earl. They're called "kweeshes."

- Try to hold it together here. - [Mouths Word]

Earl, this is fantastic. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get you on Oprah.

- Oprah? - Sure. I go to the same teeth-whitening guy as Steadman.

The minute you walk out on that stage...

every woman in America is gonna fall in love with Earl Hickey and "The List."

[Earl Narrating] Everything was happening so fast. Steadmans, baby kweeshes-

I never felt so important.

How do I let karma know I want my pool before Memorial Day?

I'm asking for a jet. Butjust a little one.

And I'm asking for my boobs to get fixed. I wanna even these puppies out.

- She's got a football and a golf ball in there. - How quickly does karma happen?

Because that is gonna be Oprah's first question.

- That is gonna be everyone's first question. - Super fast. Like a week.

- A week? - A week! - Forget Memorial Day.

- [Women Chuckling] - A week?

- What the hell were you thinking? - I don't know! I got swept up.

They were coming at me with Oprah and kweeshes.

You're not the only one who had issues with rich people in school.

What are you gonna do now, genius? 'Cause they wanna see karma work its magic.

They wanna see a pool just appear. They wanna find a jet in their garage.

They wanna wake up to find that their boobs have just evened out overnight.

Okay, look. I'll think of something.

[Earl Narrating] I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out...

how to make do on my promises toJoy's friends.

I was thinking and thinking and coming up with nothing.

Then the nothing started to make me nervous.

Then being nervous and sleep-deprived started to make me desperate.

Then the desperate started to make me crazy.

Then the crazy started to make me crazy.

And once you start repeating yourself like that, you know you're in trouble.

- By morning, I had lost it. - The hell are you doing?

I got it all figured out. What do you think?

I think you lost your mind. What the hell does all this mean?

Oh, it's simple.

We have Darnell get that stuff Witness Protection put in our necks to knock us out.

- Then we shoot it intoJanine's neck. - You want to knock outJanine?

I don't want to, but it's the only way we can get her to a boob doctor without her knowing.

It's all right here. We gotta get creative, Joy.

- [Doorbell Rings] - That must be the backhoe I rented to dig Carol's pool.

Right on time!

Ladies.

Uh, not-not to worry.

Kar- Karma's working on getting you all that stuff.

- We still got six days, but- - It's okay. We don't need those things.

[Man Shouts] #I feel good #

[Earl Narrating] Turns out, karma had already given 'em something better.

Last night, the women were expecting to once again toss and turn.

But something strange happened.

For the first time in years...

- they didn't need sleeping pills or midnight martinis. - # So good, so good #

- Theyjust closed their eyes and drifted peacefully to sleep... - # I got you #

- and they stayed like that all night. - # I feel nice #

#Like sugar and spice ##

Karma had found something to reward them with-

peace of mind.

I guess I don't need my own jet.

And Carol doesn't need a pool.

I'm always drunk, and I can't swim. Probably not a good idea.

Wow. Uh, I'm... glad everything worked out.

I can't wait to get back to doing nice things.

One of which...

is being a little less judgmental of you, Goldie.

Oh! Have you been judgmental?

For the life of me, I had not noticed.

[Crying] I had not noticed.

Um, would you like to come in for some mimosas?

Ooh.

I have some champagne... in a bottle.

[Earl Narrating] Joy found some friends...

and I was reminded of the best benefit of doing good things-

that having a clear conscience helps you sleep through the night.

Yesterday, after lying about karma, I couldn't sleep a wink.

Now that I was guilt-free, it was time to reap the rewards.

- Good night, Jim. - R-Randy. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Look. I don't wanna rush you, all right?

But we've been sharing the same bed now for three nights...

and all we do is sleep.

- I wanna do more. - There's tons of fun things we can do.

- Me and Earl used to do some crazy stuff. - Really?

Crazy stuff? Like, uh- Like what?

Well, sometimes we'd get drunk and wrestle.

Okay. Okay. But we're-we're gonna need a safe word.

[Car Approaches]

[Brakes Squeal]

That's Earl! He came back!

Oh! Damn it, Jim!

When are you gonna learn you're not a surgeon?

You just can't fix broken hearts.

Just promise me you won't let him hurt you again.

- Okay. - [Engine Shuts Off]

[Car Door Opens, Closes]