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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,501 --> 00:00:04,197 [Earl Narrating] With Joy and Darnell in the Witness Protection program... 2 00:00:04,304 --> 00:00:08,570 me and Randy were back in the trailer and enjoying the luxury of getting our own beds. 3 00:00:09,743 --> 00:00:12,007 [Water Sloshing] 4 00:00:12,112 --> 00:00:15,343 Damn it, Randy. Every night you're climbing into bed with me. 5 00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:18,906 - You got your own room now. - There's a scary, scratchy noise out there. 6 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,386 Like a bush rubbing against the door scratchin'... 7 00:00:22,489 --> 00:00:24,650 or like the Shower Cap Killer scratchin'? 8 00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:27,386 No one's ever heard the Shower Cap Killer and survived. 9 00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,792 Except for that one woman, and he cut out her tongue. 10 00:00:29,896 --> 00:00:32,262 Until she learns to use a fake one, it's all just- 11 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:35,562 [Muffled] The Shower Cap Killer- He cut out my tongue. 12 00:00:35,668 --> 00:00:38,068 [Babbling] 13 00:00:38,171 --> 00:00:40,264 [Babbling, Laughing] 14 00:00:42,675 --> 00:00:45,872 Wait. That could be us. Grab a weapon. 15 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:49,437 - [Crickets Chirping] - [Scratching] 16 00:00:49,549 --> 00:00:52,177 - I can't see anything. - That makes sense. 17 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:55,777 Some say the Shower Cap Killer's a kid. 18 00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,951 [Scratching Continues] 19 00:01:04,164 --> 00:01:06,064 Ready? 20 00:01:06,166 --> 00:01:09,727 One, two, three! 21 00:01:09,836 --> 00:01:11,895 [Both Shout] 22 00:01:13,339 --> 00:01:15,330 [Both] Hey! 23 00:01:15,442 --> 00:01:18,411 [Earl Narrating] Ever sinceJoy lost Mr. Turtle offher car roof... 24 00:01:18,511 --> 00:01:21,036 he'd been on a long journey home. 25 00:01:21,147 --> 00:01:24,583 He escaped from pet-loving nudists. 26 00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:27,414 He participated in his first marathon. 27 00:01:29,222 --> 00:01:33,352 - He got into a little trouble with drugs and alcohol. - [Siren Wailing] 28 00:01:33,460 --> 00:01:35,360 - [Man Shouting] - [Gunshots] 29 00:01:35,462 --> 00:01:38,056 - [Screaming] - And he saw some things he shouldn't have seen. 30 00:01:38,164 --> 00:01:41,031 He even took a lover for a few days. 31 00:01:41,134 --> 00:01:44,103 But now he found his way back. 32 00:01:44,204 --> 00:01:46,331 Welcome home. 33 00:01:46,439 --> 00:01:50,034 I don't know how to break the news to you, so I'm just gonna spit it out. 34 00:01:50,143 --> 00:01:54,671 Joy, Darnell and the kids were put into Witness Protection and we'll never see 'em again. 35 00:01:57,383 --> 00:01:59,442 - He's freaking out. - Yeah. 36 00:01:59,552 --> 00:02:02,146 Let's put him in his fish tank till he calms down. 37 00:02:02,255 --> 00:02:06,783 Hold on, Earl. As long as Darnell's not here, I've got some unfinished business. 38 00:02:06,893 --> 00:02:08,793 [Gurgles] 39 00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:13,093 That was for ruining my chances with the girl at the Crab Shack Christmas party. 40 00:02:13,199 --> 00:02:15,759 My name is Earl. 41 00:02:18,338 --> 00:02:21,364 [Earl Narrating] Ever since Darnell was taken away by Witness Protection... 42 00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,204 the Crab Shack got a little more... festive. 43 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,835 - # Wake me up before you go-go # - Oh, coasters, please. 44 00:02:26,946 --> 00:02:29,005 I just waxed the bar. 45 00:02:29,115 --> 00:02:30,878 I still can't believe you work here now. 46 00:02:30,984 --> 00:02:33,578 Just picking up a couple of shifts while Darnell's gone. 47 00:02:33,686 --> 00:02:35,881 My I RA's in the dumper. 48 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:39,049 What you and Ira do behind closed doors is none of my business. 49 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:42,686 Hey, you should try something off Kenny's new martini menu. 50 00:02:42,795 --> 00:02:47,198 - He named the drinks after Sex and the City characters. - Earl, I'll bet you're a Carrie. 51 00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,495 [Catalina] I don't want to sound conceited... 52 00:02:49,602 --> 00:02:52,230 but I think Mr. Turtle just looked at me and licked his lips. 53 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,863 Oh, he's probablyjust hungry. We haven't fed him yet. 54 00:02:54,974 --> 00:02:59,240 Hold on there, little fella. I got your food right here. 55 00:02:59,345 --> 00:03:01,575 Darnell- or as you know him, Mr. Human- 56 00:03:01,681 --> 00:03:03,911 left that for ya. 57 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:07,185 The hell? 58 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:09,755 "Dear Earl: If you're using this food I left you... 59 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,051 "that means you found Mr. Turtle. 60 00:03:12,158 --> 00:03:14,388 Please call me." And there's a number. 61 00:03:14,494 --> 00:03:16,758 Kenny, let me use the phone. 62 00:03:18,998 --> 00:03:21,967 And I told the jerk, "Endless breadsticks and salad... 63 00:03:22,068 --> 00:03:24,468 means endless breadsticks and salad!" 64 00:03:24,571 --> 00:03:27,039 - [All Laughing] - [Cell Phone Ringing] 65 00:03:27,140 --> 00:03:30,109 - Excuse me, folks. - [Ringing Continues] 66 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,915 - [Beeps] - Hello? 67 00:03:36,015 --> 00:03:40,008 - Darnell? - So I'm gone for a week and there's no "Hey, Crabman"? 68 00:03:40,119 --> 00:03:42,087 Well, I guess life goes on. 69 00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:44,088 Hey, Crabman. 70 00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:46,090 Hey, Earl. 71 00:03:46,192 --> 00:03:49,184 So did you find Mr. Turtle, or did Randy just get into the turtle food? 72 00:03:49,295 --> 00:03:52,890 [Crunching] 73 00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:55,729 [Earl Narrating] I told Darnell about finding Mr. Turtle... 74 00:03:55,835 --> 00:03:59,737 so he gave me his new address for me to ship the little guy to him. 75 00:03:59,839 --> 00:04:02,933 Then he asked me to destroy the paper I wrote it down for all of our safety. 76 00:04:03,042 --> 00:04:05,602 And don't worry. I won't give anyone else this phone number. 77 00:04:05,712 --> 00:04:09,512 This phone is dead now anyway. Good-bye, Earl, and thanks. 78 00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:22,258 You can'tjust ship a turtle, Earl. It's not like a vase or a person. 79 00:04:22,362 --> 00:04:25,729 You have the address. Why don't you just drive Mr. Turtle down there yourself? 80 00:04:25,832 --> 00:04:27,766 Bruce! 81 00:04:27,867 --> 00:04:31,098 [Earl Narrating] As I sat there, I wondered: Was Kenny right? 82 00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,469 Was sending the turtle via snail mail a snafu... 83 00:04:34,574 --> 00:04:38,704 or was I just talking myself into making me the priority mail? 84 00:04:38,811 --> 00:04:41,075 Screw this. I want a beer. 85 00:04:41,180 --> 00:04:43,705 So the next morning, me and Mr. Turtle hit the road. 86 00:04:43,816 --> 00:04:46,250 I didn't take Randy 'cause long drives made him carsick... 87 00:04:46,352 --> 00:04:48,843 and the medicine for that made him hungry. 88 00:04:48,955 --> 00:04:51,981 It was an endless cycle we both wanted to avoid. 89 00:04:52,091 --> 00:04:55,993 I miss Earl already. I know in my heart it's better that he left me behind... 90 00:04:56,095 --> 00:04:58,893 but it's still weird sitting here at the bar by myself. 91 00:04:58,998 --> 00:05:01,796 If you want company, the Camden Men's Glee Club will be performing... 92 00:05:01,901 --> 00:05:03,835 a Top Gun tribute at the air show. 93 00:05:03,936 --> 00:05:06,962 They're holding auditions. I am hoping for Maverick. 94 00:05:07,073 --> 00:05:11,703 Thanks anyway, but I have to go home to that empty trailer at some point. 95 00:05:21,354 --> 00:05:23,788 I know what it's like to miss somebody... 96 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,723 especially when the two of you have been living together. 97 00:05:26,826 --> 00:05:29,192 But it gets easier, I promise you. 98 00:05:29,295 --> 00:05:31,229 - I'm Jim. - Randy. 99 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,300 Maybe I can take you to a movie later, help get your mind off things. 100 00:05:34,400 --> 00:05:37,267 Sure. And I'll try not to fill up on junk food here... 101 00:05:37,370 --> 00:05:39,361 so I can eat a good dinner at the theater. 102 00:05:39,472 --> 00:05:41,531 [Chuckles] 103 00:05:42,709 --> 00:05:44,870 [Barking] 104 00:05:44,977 --> 00:05:46,911 [Earl Narrating] After driving all night... 105 00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:49,379 and convincing the guard atJoy and Darnell's gated community... 106 00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,450 that I was an exotic pet delivery boy... 107 00:05:51,551 --> 00:05:54,019 I finally made it to their house. 108 00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,381 Barely. 109 00:05:57,490 --> 00:05:59,390 [Knocking] 110 00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:02,920 Earl! What the hell? 111 00:06:03,029 --> 00:06:07,261 Wow, Joy. You look like the weather lady from Channel 4. 112 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,859 My name is Goldie now. Get inside! 113 00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:16,200 L-I'm sorry. I don't want to ruin your Witness Protection identity, but- 114 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:18,470 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Our lives are in constant danger. 115 00:06:18,578 --> 00:06:20,569 Blah, blah, blah. I have got bigger fish to fry. 116 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:23,706 [Earl Narrating]Joy wasn't as concerned about my presence threatening her life... 117 00:06:23,816 --> 00:06:26,284 as she was worried about it threatening her social life. 118 00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:29,014 She was having trouble being accepted by the local women. 119 00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:32,614 This is my signature Swiss Colony cheese ball. 120 00:06:32,725 --> 00:06:35,353 Then for dessert, we've got a Ritz mock apple pie. 121 00:06:35,461 --> 00:06:38,919 You'll swear it's got real apples in it. But it's just wet crackers. 122 00:06:39,031 --> 00:06:42,023 No offense, Goldie, but we're really not used to eating like this. 123 00:06:42,135 --> 00:06:45,195 - What do you mean? - It's a little high-fat. 124 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:49,138 Oh, come on, ladies. Live a little. It's a party. 125 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:54,009 - Yeah, in a trailer park. - [Laughing] 126 00:06:54,113 --> 00:06:56,809 Well, you guessed the theme! 127 00:06:56,916 --> 00:06:58,816 It's a white trash party. 128 00:06:58,918 --> 00:07:01,819 Oh! That is funny. 129 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:04,617 And that explains all the tacky crap in your hair. 130 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:06,954 Yes. That's right. 131 00:07:07,059 --> 00:07:09,289 Anything for a laugh. 132 00:07:09,395 --> 00:07:13,422 I try my best to be friends with these women, but it's like they can smell Camden on my skin. 133 00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:16,900 Joy, you spend a decade living by the hog rendering plant, it's gonna get into your pores. 134 00:07:17,003 --> 00:07:19,904 I lived upwind from Porkweiser. That's not it. 135 00:07:20,006 --> 00:07:21,974 Snobs like that have always looked down on me. 136 00:07:22,074 --> 00:07:26,033 In high school, my mom gave me a rabbit fur jacket for Christmas. 137 00:07:26,145 --> 00:07:28,511 I was so proud to show if off... 138 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:32,710 till one of those rich girls pointed out it was a coat she'd given to Goodwill. 139 00:07:32,819 --> 00:07:36,277 She showed everybody where her pet rabbit had humped it. 140 00:07:36,389 --> 00:07:39,256 - I thought it was a elbow patch. - I hear ya. 141 00:07:39,358 --> 00:07:41,622 In high school, the rich kids would make fun of me... 142 00:07:41,727 --> 00:07:43,661 for wearing the same two shirts over and over. 143 00:07:43,763 --> 00:07:48,029 I swore when I grew up, I'd have a flannel for every day of the week. 144 00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:51,194 And I do. By God, I do. 145 00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,272 I still have a chance with these women. 146 00:07:53,372 --> 00:07:55,340 They haven't decided if I'm in or out. 147 00:07:55,441 --> 00:07:58,308 If they see somebody like you here, I'm definitely out. 148 00:08:02,381 --> 00:08:06,442 Look here, drifter, I don't care if you were in the Vietnam War. I'm not giving you any soup! 149 00:08:06,552 --> 00:08:08,452 Now beat it, Rambo! 150 00:08:08,554 --> 00:08:11,682 [Earl Narrating] Since this was important toJoy, I knew I had to sneak out of there... 151 00:08:11,791 --> 00:08:14,157 before I did anything that would ruin her chances of fittin'in. 152 00:08:15,595 --> 00:08:18,894 - [Engine Starts] - [Backfires] 153 00:08:18,998 --> 00:08:20,829 - [Dog Whimpering] - [Engine Turns Off] 154 00:08:25,738 --> 00:08:27,706 What the hell was that noise? 155 00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:31,140 L-l-I think I blinded one of your neighbor's dogs. 156 00:08:31,244 --> 00:08:33,474 No! 157 00:08:37,650 --> 00:08:39,481 [Yelps] 158 00:08:39,585 --> 00:08:41,849 Yup. 159 00:08:47,693 --> 00:08:49,888 Joy, I think I blinded him. 160 00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,863 - [Whines] - What if he's somebody's Seeing Eye dog? 161 00:08:52,965 --> 00:08:55,900 - I gotta get help. - He's obviously a stray. Look how dirty his cardigan is. 162 00:08:56,002 --> 00:08:57,902 Just take that thing back to Camden with you. 163 00:08:58,004 --> 00:08:59,904 Give it to Catalina. She can dust with it. 164 00:09:00,006 --> 00:09:03,908 No, I do not have any leftover mouthwash you can drink! 165 00:09:04,010 --> 00:09:06,410 Get out of here, you drunk bum! 166 00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:09,379 [Earl Narrating] While I figured out how to help that dog... 167 00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:12,349 Randy had a new friend looking after him too. 168 00:09:12,451 --> 00:09:16,046 Good idea, renting a video instead of going to the movies. 169 00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:20,148 I can't believe there's a Patrick Swayze movie I've never seen before. 170 00:09:20,259 --> 00:09:23,854 To Wong Foo. That sounds like it's got a lot of ass-kicking. 171 00:09:23,963 --> 00:09:26,090 Yeah. Here, taste. 172 00:09:26,198 --> 00:09:28,166 What do you think? 173 00:09:33,839 --> 00:09:35,739 Spaghetti sauce! 174 00:09:35,841 --> 00:09:37,536 [Laughs] Okay. 175 00:09:37,643 --> 00:09:41,340 Sarcastic. I like that. 176 00:09:41,447 --> 00:09:44,905 Hey, you got a little, uh- 177 00:09:45,017 --> 00:09:46,985 Earl used to clean food off me. 178 00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:52,153 You know, you talk about Earl quite a lot. How long were you two together? 179 00:09:52,258 --> 00:09:55,227 - Forever. - Yeah, I know how that feels. 180 00:09:55,328 --> 00:09:58,491 Hardest part's gonna be sleeping in that big bed without him. 181 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:01,931 [Sighs] 182 00:10:02,034 --> 00:10:05,265 If you let me, I can be your Earl. 183 00:10:06,706 --> 00:10:08,606 Awesome! Sleepover! 184 00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:10,835 Okay! [Laughing] 185 00:10:12,411 --> 00:10:14,379 [Jim] All right. 186 00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:16,448 [Earl Narrating] I took the dog to the vet... 187 00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:19,017 and because it had eaten somethin' called a tracking chip... 188 00:10:19,118 --> 00:10:22,554 she could tell me that its owner lived a few doors down from Joy. 189 00:10:33,199 --> 00:10:37,602 The vet also said it would be a few days before the dog got its sight back. 190 00:10:39,772 --> 00:10:42,036 [Urinating] 191 00:10:42,141 --> 00:10:44,166 [Knocking] 192 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,711 Um, hello. 193 00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,838 Do you own a dog named Gooky? 194 00:10:49,949 --> 00:10:51,883 Oh, my- Gucci! 195 00:10:51,984 --> 00:10:54,282 Gucci, baby, what happened to you? 196 00:10:54,387 --> 00:10:56,378 [Earl Narrating] I was nervous how Carol was gonna react... 197 00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:59,947 since I knew how much rich ladies love their tiny dogs... 198 00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:04,155 so I explained to her all about my list and how I was gonna make it right. 199 00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:08,393 The vet says Gucci's gonna be fine, but l-I'd really like to make it up to you. 200 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:11,834 - Tell me more about this karma. - Excuse me? 201 00:11:11,937 --> 00:11:14,872 Turns out, she was more interested in me than her dog. 202 00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:17,135 Carol and her rich friends couldn't sleep. 203 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,837 - It's like their minds just wouldn't shut off. - # I want a new drug # 204 00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:23,142 - They tried sleeping pills. They tried martinis. - # One that won't make me sick # 205 00:11:23,249 --> 00:11:27,447 They even considered having sex with their husbands, but nothin'helped. 206 00:11:27,553 --> 00:11:29,521 They couldn't quite put their finger on it. 207 00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,590 - # I want a new drug ## - Somethin'was makin' 'em restless. 208 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:34,319 Even though during the day they looked very put together... 209 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:36,691 at night they were fallin'apart. 210 00:11:36,796 --> 00:11:39,765 In trying to fill that void and get some peace of mind... 211 00:11:39,865 --> 00:11:42,698 they were always chasing the latest spiritual fad. 212 00:11:42,802 --> 00:11:46,260 They tried some kind ofhot and sweaty yoga. 213 00:11:46,372 --> 00:11:49,933 - [Screaming] - They tried something called primal scream therapy. 214 00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:54,001 - [Gasps, Screams] - [Screaming] 215 00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:56,081 They even tried some kind of fast... 216 00:11:56,182 --> 00:11:59,379 where they only drank shakes made out of creek water and lawn clippings. 217 00:11:59,485 --> 00:12:01,385 - [Glass Shatters] - [Grunts] 218 00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:03,455 - Even though none of those things worked... - [No Audible Dialogue] 219 00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:05,854 They weren't about to stop looking for one that did. 220 00:12:05,958 --> 00:12:08,756 My friends are gonna love you. 221 00:12:08,861 --> 00:12:10,590 [Women Laughing, Chattering] 222 00:12:10,696 --> 00:12:13,597 Everyone. This is Earl. 223 00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:18,602 He has this amazing new program called "The List." 224 00:12:18,704 --> 00:12:20,604 It's just karma. 225 00:12:20,706 --> 00:12:23,197 You know, "Do good things, good things happen." 226 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:28,246 Isn't that just a fabulous mantra? "Good things happen"! 227 00:12:28,347 --> 00:12:32,477 [Earl Narrating] And that's when Joy realized I might be her ticket to the inner circle. 228 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:35,247 Yeah, it's very spiritual. 229 00:12:35,354 --> 00:12:38,221 Earl is actually an old friend. 230 00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:41,725 Guide. Friend-guide. 231 00:12:41,827 --> 00:12:43,761 He is my spiritual guru. 232 00:12:43,863 --> 00:12:48,300 - Goldie, you have to share him. - Oh, of course. 233 00:12:48,400 --> 00:12:51,335 [Clears Throat] Why don't you all come to my place tomorrow... 234 00:12:51,437 --> 00:12:54,270 for a little talky party... 235 00:12:54,373 --> 00:12:57,604 and he can throw some guru stuff at ya? 236 00:12:57,710 --> 00:13:00,270 "Do good things." "Stitch in time." "Everybody walk the dinosaur." 237 00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:03,610 - Crap like that. You'll see. - [Chuckling] 238 00:13:05,084 --> 00:13:07,450 [TV: Cartoon] 239 00:13:07,553 --> 00:13:10,613 - I'm really glad you asked me to spend the night. - Me too. 240 00:13:10,723 --> 00:13:13,157 Now I can finally get some sleep. 241 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,724 Oh. 242 00:13:18,831 --> 00:13:21,356 Oh, I get it. Sleep. 243 00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:24,095 You're right, you're right. Things are going too fast. 244 00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:28,401 We should just slow everything way down. 245 00:13:31,043 --> 00:13:36,003 Ohhhhhhh-kaaaaay. 246 00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:41,646 - Good night, Jim. - Good night, Randy. 247 00:13:41,787 --> 00:13:44,620 [Earl Narrating] Even though me and Joy had prepared a pretty fancy presentation... 248 00:13:44,723 --> 00:13:46,657 I was still nervous. 249 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:52,288 Standing up there in front of all these rich women, I finally understood whatJoy felt. 250 00:13:52,398 --> 00:13:54,730 Welcome. Karma. 251 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:58,031 [Clears Throat] The Webster's dictionary... 252 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:03,006 defines "karma" as "the force generated by a person's actions... 253 00:14:03,108 --> 00:14:06,305 "held in Hinduism and Buddhism... 254 00:14:06,412 --> 00:14:09,973 to perpetuate transmigra-" 255 00:14:10,082 --> 00:14:12,983 Trans-ma-something. 256 00:14:13,085 --> 00:14:15,053 [Earl Narrating] Things started out shaky... 257 00:14:17,656 --> 00:14:20,682 but when I ran out of stuff to read off my hand... 258 00:14:20,793 --> 00:14:23,227 andjust starting talking from my heart, it got easier. 259 00:14:23,329 --> 00:14:26,492 So then I helped the two army buddies make up... 260 00:14:26,599 --> 00:14:28,760 and everyone lived happily ever after. 261 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:31,268 - Aw. - That's really nice. 262 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,100 And it wasn't long before I had 'em eating out of my hands. 263 00:14:34,206 --> 00:14:38,540 Not only did me and Randy do that cheerleading routine, we nailed it. 264 00:14:40,846 --> 00:14:43,747 Oh! Bravo! 265 00:14:43,849 --> 00:14:46,545 [Earl Narrating] So the women decided to give karma a try... 266 00:14:46,652 --> 00:14:49,621 and number 1 on all their lists was mistreating their maids. 267 00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:53,180 I'm so sorry that I made you walk all the way down to the gas station... 268 00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:55,260 whenever you needed to use the bathroom. 269 00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:58,922 From now on, Lupe, "mi toiletta es su toiletta." 270 00:14:59,031 --> 00:15:02,364 I'm sorry I made you dress up like Dora the Explorer... 271 00:15:02,468 --> 00:15:04,436 at my niece's birthday party. 272 00:15:04,536 --> 00:15:07,664 I didn't think you'd get bitten as much as you did. 273 00:15:07,773 --> 00:15:11,265 I'm so sorry I made you work on Christmas... 274 00:15:11,377 --> 00:15:14,574 but the kids kept crying for Brown Mommy. 275 00:15:15,614 --> 00:15:18,811 Joy. The rich people like us. 276 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,751 I know. 277 00:15:21,854 --> 00:15:26,154 Carol let me borrow her lip gloss and didn't even wipe it off when I gave it back to her. 278 00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,419 Who would've guessed the two of us... 279 00:15:28,527 --> 00:15:31,121 would be sitting in a swanky house with an ice maker... 280 00:15:31,230 --> 00:15:34,597 drinking fancy rich-lady drinks and eating baby egg pies? 281 00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:37,396 "Egg pies"? Earl. They're called "kweeshes." 282 00:15:37,503 --> 00:15:40,063 - Try to hold it together here. - [Mouths Word] 283 00:15:40,172 --> 00:15:44,131 Earl, this is fantastic. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna get you on Oprah. 284 00:15:44,243 --> 00:15:47,644 - Oprah? - Sure. I go to the same teeth-whitening guy as Steadman. 285 00:15:47,746 --> 00:15:50,271 The minute you walk out on that stage... 286 00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:54,682 every woman in America is gonna fall in love with Earl Hickey and "The List." 287 00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,984 [Earl Narrating] Everything was happening so fast. Steadmans, baby kweeshes- 288 00:15:58,090 --> 00:16:00,456 I never felt so important. 289 00:16:00,559 --> 00:16:02,925 How do I let karma know I want my pool before Memorial Day? 290 00:16:03,028 --> 00:16:04,757 I'm asking for a jet. Butjust a little one. 291 00:16:04,863 --> 00:16:08,162 And I'm asking for my boobs to get fixed. I wanna even these puppies out. 292 00:16:08,267 --> 00:16:11,794 - She's got a football and a golf ball in there. - How quickly does karma happen? 293 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:14,464 Because that is gonna be Oprah's first question. 294 00:16:14,573 --> 00:16:18,839 - That is gonna be everyone's first question. - Super fast. Like a week. 295 00:16:18,944 --> 00:16:21,538 - A week? - A week! - Forget Memorial Day. 296 00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:24,309 - [Women Chuckling] - A week? 297 00:16:24,416 --> 00:16:27,283 - What the hell were you thinking? - I don't know! I got swept up. 298 00:16:27,386 --> 00:16:30,287 They were coming at me with Oprah and kweeshes. 299 00:16:30,389 --> 00:16:33,017 You're not the only one who had issues with rich people in school. 300 00:16:33,125 --> 00:16:36,026 What are you gonna do now, genius? 'Cause they wanna see karma work its magic. 301 00:16:36,128 --> 00:16:39,029 They wanna see a pool just appear. They wanna find a jet in their garage. 302 00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:43,067 They wanna wake up to find that their boobs have just evened out overnight. 303 00:16:43,168 --> 00:16:45,398 Okay, look. I'll think of something. 304 00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:48,098 [Earl Narrating] I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out... 305 00:16:48,207 --> 00:16:51,699 how to make do on my promises toJoy's friends. 306 00:16:51,810 --> 00:16:55,507 I was thinking and thinking and coming up with nothing. 307 00:16:55,614 --> 00:16:57,514 Then the nothing started to make me nervous. 308 00:16:57,616 --> 00:17:00,380 Then being nervous and sleep-deprived started to make me desperate. 309 00:17:00,486 --> 00:17:02,954 Then the desperate started to make me crazy. 310 00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:05,216 Then the crazy started to make me crazy. 311 00:17:05,324 --> 00:17:08,555 And once you start repeating yourself like that, you know you're in trouble. 312 00:17:08,660 --> 00:17:11,527 - By morning, I had lost it. - The hell are you doing? 313 00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,427 I got it all figured out. What do you think? 314 00:17:13,532 --> 00:17:16,399 I think you lost your mind. What the hell does all this mean? 315 00:17:16,502 --> 00:17:18,936 Oh, it's simple. 316 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:22,030 We have Darnell get that stuff Witness Protection put in our necks to knock us out. 317 00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:25,269 - Then we shoot it intoJanine's neck. - You want to knock outJanine? 318 00:17:25,377 --> 00:17:29,609 I don't want to, but it's the only way we can get her to a boob doctor without her knowing. 319 00:17:29,715 --> 00:17:33,014 It's all right here. We gotta get creative, Joy. 320 00:17:33,118 --> 00:17:36,519 - [Doorbell Rings] - That must be the backhoe I rented to dig Carol's pool. 321 00:17:36,622 --> 00:17:38,522 Right on time! 322 00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,118 Ladies. 323 00:17:43,228 --> 00:17:46,527 Uh, not-not to worry. 324 00:17:46,632 --> 00:17:50,363 Kar- Karma's working on getting you all that stuff. 325 00:17:50,469 --> 00:17:53,768 - We still got six days, but- - It's okay. We don't need those things. 326 00:17:53,872 --> 00:17:56,739 [Man Shouts] #I feel good # 327 00:17:56,842 --> 00:18:00,642 [Earl Narrating] Turns out, karma had already given 'em something better. 328 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:03,579 Last night, the women were expecting to once again toss and turn. 329 00:18:03,682 --> 00:18:05,650 But something strange happened. 330 00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,719 For the first time in years... 331 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:11,620 - they didn't need sleeping pills or midnight martinis. - # So good, so good # 332 00:18:11,723 --> 00:18:14,715 - Theyjust closed their eyes and drifted peacefully to sleep... - # I got you # 333 00:18:14,827 --> 00:18:18,092 - and they stayed like that all night. - # I feel nice # 334 00:18:18,197 --> 00:18:20,529 #Like sugar and spice ## 335 00:18:20,632 --> 00:18:22,862 Karma had found something to reward them with- 336 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:24,936 peace of mind. 337 00:18:26,805 --> 00:18:28,830 I guess I don't need my own jet. 338 00:18:28,941 --> 00:18:30,841 And Carol doesn't need a pool. 339 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,969 I'm always drunk, and I can't swim. Probably not a good idea. 340 00:18:35,747 --> 00:18:39,945 Wow. Uh, I'm... glad everything worked out. 341 00:18:40,052 --> 00:18:43,681 I can't wait to get back to doing nice things. 342 00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:46,957 One of which... 343 00:18:47,059 --> 00:18:50,790 is being a little less judgmental of you, Goldie. 344 00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:53,330 Oh! Have you been judgmental? 345 00:18:53,432 --> 00:18:57,027 For the life of me, I had not noticed. 346 00:18:57,136 --> 00:18:59,331 [Crying] I had not noticed. 347 00:19:01,039 --> 00:19:03,599 Um, would you like to come in for some mimosas? 348 00:19:03,709 --> 00:19:05,472 Ooh. 349 00:19:05,577 --> 00:19:08,774 I have some champagne... in a bottle. 350 00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,349 [Earl Narrating] Joy found some friends... 351 00:19:12,451 --> 00:19:15,818 and I was reminded of the best benefit of doing good things- 352 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:20,051 that having a clear conscience helps you sleep through the night. 353 00:19:20,159 --> 00:19:24,323 Yesterday, after lying about karma, I couldn't sleep a wink. 354 00:19:24,429 --> 00:19:28,331 Now that I was guilt-free, it was time to reap the rewards. 355 00:19:41,780 --> 00:19:45,614 - Good night, Jim. - R-Randy. Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 356 00:19:45,717 --> 00:19:48,686 Look. I don't wanna rush you, all right? 357 00:19:48,787 --> 00:19:51,312 But we've been sharing the same bed now for three nights... 358 00:19:51,423 --> 00:19:53,891 and all we do is sleep. 359 00:19:53,992 --> 00:19:57,985 - I wanna do more. - There's tons of fun things we can do. 360 00:19:58,096 --> 00:20:01,293 - Me and Earl used to do some crazy stuff. - Really? 361 00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:04,028 Crazy stuff? Like, uh- Like what? 362 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,105 Well, sometimes we'd get drunk and wrestle. 363 00:20:08,373 --> 00:20:12,400 Okay. Okay. But we're-we're gonna need a safe word. 364 00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:15,378 [Car Approaches] 365 00:20:15,480 --> 00:20:17,846 [Brakes Squeal] 366 00:20:17,950 --> 00:20:20,384 That's Earl! He came back! 367 00:20:20,485 --> 00:20:23,113 Oh! Damn it, Jim! 368 00:20:23,222 --> 00:20:25,417 When are you gonna learn you're not a surgeon? 369 00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:28,118 You just can't fix broken hearts. 370 00:20:32,130 --> 00:20:34,360 Just promise me you won't let him hurt you again. 371 00:20:34,466 --> 00:20:37,162 - Okay. - [Engine Shuts Off] 372 00:20:38,337 --> 00:20:40,635 [Car Door Opens, Closes] 31997

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