All language subtitles for Craig.Ferguson

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

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Oh, I'm so happy to be here.

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YTS.MX

[audience whooting]

I am, I'm so happy to be

in the greatest theater
in the greatest city

in the United States of America.

[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]

That's right.

That's right, I love this
region with its many-

[audience laughing]

With its many famous things.

And... [laughing]

How about that local team?

[audience laughing]

Now listen.

I gotta say.

I gotta just start
with the point of order

and it's important
because I've noticed

a lot of things going
on in my shows recently,

and I'm a little
concerned about it.

I've noticed a lot more young
people coming to the show.

[audience cheering]
Yeah, I know.

I can see you out there
with hope in your eyes

and collagen in your skin.

I can see you.
[audience laughing]

And I have to think to myself,

"What the hell are
you doing here?"

I mean, I still got
my regular crowd.

I can smell the pee pee and
lavender. I know you're here.

I know I still got my peeps.

"Hey, Craig." I
know you're here.

But the young
people are here now

and I think you've been
watching me on the tickety-tock.

Haven't you?

Been watching on the
tickety-tock? I know.

Well, look, a word of warning.

I may go on for longer than
45 seconds this evening.

[audience laughing]

And I gotta say this
because of the young people,

but the old people too.

Everybody.

I forbid you, and
I mean, forbid you

to tweet out anything I say
tonight during the show.

A tweet out or any
of your social media,

but your tweety, your bingo,
your zippy, your lamp post,

whatever the hell it is.

I don't know. Instacart.

Whatever you do...

Instagram, Grindr,
whatever one you're doing.

Myspace for some of the older-

[audience laughing]

Just don't, all right?

Don't, 'cause I'm gonna
say some things tonight

that will not be true.

And I want you to
listen to this.

They will not be
true. They'll be lies.

They'll be things
that, you know,

I'll be saying things
that I don't agree with,

I don't believe.

It'll be the opposite
of what I believe,

but in the context of what
we're doing this evening,

that's called a joke.

[audience laughing]

Because I know.

I know some of you young people,

you're struggling with that
concept right now a little bit.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]
We love you. We love you.

I know.

But don't, because
I don't want you

to tweet out anything I say

or put it on your
Insta or anything.

Don't do that because
it'll be outta context.

They won't know we are here

in the greatest comedy
theater in the entire world.

It'll just go out and
it'll be outta context.

And those words
will go out there

and people will think
I believe those things

and I'll have to defend them.

And I can't be held
accountable for what I say.

[audience laughing]

What kind of an America
is that, everybody?

I know.
[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Because look, it's
nothing against you.

I'm just tired of apologizing.

I'm tired of apologizing.

A man in my line of work...

When I was doing
that late night show,

when I was doing
the late night, I-

[audience cheering]
No, wait.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, everyone that
can't afford Netflix.

But listen, when I-
[audience laughing]

When I was doing
that late-night show,

I had to apologize every night.

Every night I had to
apologize for something.

And I meant it then, obviously,

in the sense that, you
know, had I not apologized,

I'd have been fired.

But we are not in that
position this evening.

I've already got your money.

[audience laughing]

I once had to apologize to the
entire country of Australia.

The whole country.

I'm not just talking
about the people,

I'm talking about the flora
and fauna and the kangaroos

and the wallabies and
the witchetty grubs

and the koala bears, and
all the other animals

that keep a little spare
animal down the front

in case they get a flat.

I don't fucking know.
[audience laughing]

But I had to apologize
to all of Australia,

but they were very mad at me.

Alright, I'll tell
you what happened.

What happened was,

there was an Australian
actor on the show,

a friend of mine, a gentleman
by the name of Guy Pierce.

You know Guy Pierce?

[audience cheering]
Yeah. He's a great actor.

Australian.

So Guy Pierce was on the show,

and we were just dicking around.

Guys being dudes.

And he was going, "Oh,
Scotland's rubbish, mate."

And I was like,
"Australia's rubbish, mate."

And ha ha ha.

And then-
[audience laughing]

Then, apparently,
I crossed a line.

I said that Canberra, the
capital city of Australia

was a festering shithole.

[audience laughing]

I know.

I know I shouldn't
have said that.

I don't know. I've
never been to Canberra.

I should have said it is
allegedly a festering shithole.

[audience laughing]

We can probably
cut that bit out.

But what I'm saying is-
[audience laughing]

[Craig laughs]

What I'm saying is,
you know, you gotta...

Just, the rules of comedy,
you know, [whimpers]

they are what they are, I guess.

They are what they've
always been, really.

I think the rules of comedy
are what they've always been,

which is, you know, be
funny, don't be a dick.

That's it.

Now, I use the term dick there
in it's non-gender usage.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

I mean, no disrespect
to my actual dick,

who is a beautiful one-eyed dude

who suffers from
occasional stiffness.

[audience laughing]

Actually, the older I get,

that seems to be
clearing up a little bit.

Yeah.
[audience laughing]

When I was young, I was
all live and supple.

My dick was stiff all the time.

Now I'm stiff all the time

and my dick's all live
and supple all the time.

[audience laughing]

I feel I'm getting so old.

I now make the same
noises for sitting down

as I used to make for sex.
[audience laughing]

Like, "Oh, that is nice. Ah.

Oh, I love the feeling
of the crushed velvet

against my taint.

Oh, that is lovely. Ah.

Oh. [groaning]

I'm hungry. [snoring]
[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[sighs] Anyway, look.

What I'm saying is,
the rules of comedy

are what they always
were, you know?

Just be funny and
don't be a dick.

And I think the only
people that complain

about you can't say
what you used to say,

are old comedians.

Just old white comedians.

Or just old comedians.

"Oh, you can't say
what you used to say,"

but here's what I think.

I think when old
comedians are saying that,

"You can't say what
you used to say,

'cause of the woke generation."

I think what they're
really saying is,

"I'm afraid of young people."

[audience laughing]

And I get it.

I'm afraid of young people too.

They move too quickly,

they've very strong
opinions about things.

I didn't move quickly
and have strong opinions

when I was young

because I had strong
drugs when I was young.

[audience laughing]

It's very difficult

to get in a nuanced
argument about pronouns

when you're zapped off your
tits on Pakistani black hashish.

[audience laughing]

"What's your position on the
pronoun argument, Craig?"

Yeah...
[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

But we gotta knock it off.
That's what I'm saying.

And I'm glad there's a mixture
old people and young people

coming to my shows now.

I'm glad because it
gives us a chance

to knock this on the head.

Old people and young people,
we've gotta knock this off.

We've gotta stop fighting
each other. This is crazy.

We gotta get along. We
all share the same space.

And being old is not so
different to being young.

I swear. It's not so different.

You just itch a lot more,
don't you? Isn't it just itchy?

[audience laughing]
It's like being young,

except you're really
itchy all the time.

You're like, "Oh my
God." Nobody tells you.

By the way, cortisone is the
wonder cream. Just get it.

I mean, you're like, "I'm
itchy, I'm itchy, I'm itchy.

[imitates squirting] Oh."

[audience laughing]

I think I just gave
away where I get itchy.

[audience laughing]

Probably cut that
out. Anyway, there.

But the old people, you know,

if you're old, you just
itch a little more.

And if you're young, it's
a byproduct of being young.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault
if you're young.

That's just a side
effect to being young,

which is you're stupid.

[audience laughing]

I know you think you're
not, but you are.

You're so stupid, you don't
even know you're stupid.

But the thing is, you know...

Oh, God, I'm so itchy.

[audience laughing]

But here's the thing.

If you're older now,
think back, older people,

If you're older now,

that means you were young
in the sixties or seventies

or eighties or nineties.

"Huh, what? No, Craig."

Yeah, nineties as well!

"No, Craig, Hoobastank!"

No, no, no Hoobastank.

"No Craig, Hootie
and the Blowfish."

No. Hootie and the no fish.
[audience laughing]

They're all dead. They all died.

They were all found floating
at the top of the pool.

[audience laughing]

They're fine. That's stupid.

So what I'm saying
is, if you're old now,

that means you were young
in the sixties, seventies,

eighties, or nineties, you know?

Which means back then, you
know, not only were you stupid,

you were also, and I don't
know about you personally,

but statistically, if
you were young then,

you were promiscuous.

[audience member chuckles]

Uh-huh.
[audience laughing]

But what happened is,
the sexy generation,

they had a lot of sex,

and they had babies.

The babies grew
up to be the Gen Z

and the Millennial generation

and they did what the
next generation does.

They rebelled
against the attitudes

and the morals of the
generation that came before

and it swung the other way.

And sex became bad and dirty
and naughty and creepy again.

Thank you.
[audience laughing]

Because I'm a
Scottish Protestant.

We are not comfortable with
sex the way you guys do it,

with a touching and kissing

and being in the same
room and all that.

[audience laughing]
We don't.

Scottish Protestants.
We have sex by mail.

That's how we do it.
We have sex by mail.

Dear Margaret-
[audience laughing]

I hope this letter
finds you well.

[chuckles] Oh, you like
that, don't you, Margaret?

[audience laughing]

[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

[Craig moaning]
[audience laughing]

Anyway, Margaret,
as your husband,

I have decided it is
time we had a baby

so please find enclosed
in this envelope

an example of my jizz.

[audience laughing]

Too much? Jizz is too much?

[audience laughing]
Alright.

An example of my man
gravy. Man gravy?

[audience laughing]

Scrotum custard.
[audience groaning]

Egg drop soup. I don't know!
[audience laughing]

Please insert it
into your lady parts

and all being well, I'll
see you at the christening.

Best wishes, your
husband, Adolf.

That's how we do it.
[audience laughing]

Don't do that.

Anyway, look, here's
the thing though.

I have to say my Gen Z and
millennial brothers and sisters,

as much as I love you,
I got some news for you.

If you're in your thirties,
early thirties, mid thirties,

late twenties, maybe,
you're in that wheelhouse

and probably starting to
have kids of your own now.

Those little tykes

you left tied to the
furniture in the double wide

to be here tonight.

I know.
[audience laughing]

I know where I am.
[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

It's specifically for
the reasonably-priced seats up there.

[audience cheering]
But, here's what I'm thinking.

Here's what I'm saying though.

Here's what I'm saying,

my Gen Z and millennial
brothers and sisters,

if you're a young parent right
now, you got little kids,

those little tykes,

they're not gonna stay
little tykes forever.

They're not gonna stay
adorable little tots forever.

They're gonna grow up.
That's the way it works.

They're gonna grow up

and the pendulum's gonna
swing the other way.

And they're gonna rebel
against your attitudes.

They are coming.

[audience laughing]

And they will make
Caligula's Rome

look like Mr.
Rogers' neighborhood.

[audience laughing]
They are coming!

If I was a young
parent right now,

I'd start saving up
for bail and rehab

'cause you're gonna need it.

And to be honest,

my millennial and Gen
Z brothers and sisters,

you kind of deserve it, you
smug, self-righteous ass-hats.

Now wait. Now wait.
[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]
I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, come on, Craig.

Old comedian railing
against young people."

Well, I have to speak
my truth, don't I?

[audience laughing]

"Speak your truth."
What is your truth?

"Well, if you believe
something to be true,

that's your truth,"

So the truth is subjective?

"In a way, yes."

I really wish I'd known that

in a court case in
Glasgow in 1987.

[audience laughing]

Speak your truth.

Do you know where I first
heard that actually,

was from Harry and
Megan, speak your truth.

Don't get surly with me.
They're your problem now.

[audience laughing]

I like when one of them said,

I can't remember
which one it was.

The one that complains the most.

I dunno.
[audience laughing]

But one of them said,
"We have some news.

I was like, wow.

They said, "Someone in the
royal family is a racist."

I was like, "Yeah?"

[audience laughing]

It's nothing to do with them
being royal. They're a family.

If you don't know who the
racist is in your family,

it's cause it's you.
[audience laughing]

It's part of family life.

You ever been to a wedding?

"Grandpa would like
to say a few words."

"No, he will not
not say few words!"

Anyway, I like that
young people annoy me.

It means that we're
still moving forward.

We're still developing
as a society.

You know, I'm old,
they're young, but.

'Cause for a while there,

I thought we were all
just turning into robots.

They're not cool robots

like Jeff Pearson in
the old late-night show?

I know.
[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Everybody loved Jeff. I know.

I love Jeff too.

People still say to me,
"Craig, where's Jeff?"

And I always say the same thing.

"Fucking your mom," but I don't-

[audience laughing]

[Craig chuckles]

We'll cut that out.
We'll cut that out.

But I don't say that.

I think it, but I don't say it.

No, I'm talking about
the AI in our phones

that was making us
think like robots.

These invisible robots that
they put inside our phones

to make us think, like,
in ones and zeros.

That's what AI stands for.

Are invisible. Are invisible
robots that they...

And they were put in there by
Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg,

one of the two.

I don't know who it was,
but it was one of them.

[audience chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Do you know that Elon
Musk has 28 children?

[audience laughing]

I believe he has 28 children,
therefore it's true.

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you about Elon Musk.

Do you guys remember a
show called Teletubbies?

Do you remember Teletubbies?
[audience cheering]

I loved Teletubbies.

I used to watch it with my boys
when they were very little.

I used to watch Teletubbies
and I loved that show.

You know, every time I
watched it, I thought,

"Man, I wish I
still took Hashish."

I feel that it would be a
real kind of duck ala orange.

But I loved it. I particularly
loved Tinky-Winky.

[audience groaning]
How dare you!

Shut up about Lala, Dipsey
and Po, you asshole!

[audience laughing]

Tinky-Winky was the best one

with a big thing on its head

and a handbag, a little purse,

and an alcohol problem, I
think, really, Tinky-Winkie.

Tinky-Winkie had a rinky dinky.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, Tinky-Winky fall down.

Uh-oh!
[audience laughing]

Uh-oh.

Do you remember in that show,

the little baby that used to
come up when the sun came up?

The little sun baby that
used to go [cooing].

The sun baby?

That baby was Elon Musk.
[audience laughing]

I believe it was.

I don't think it was Mark
Zuckerberg, because he's not...

You wouldn't have him as your...

He's not an attractive man.
[audience laughing]

He's not.

Well look, I'm not judging,
but there is a thing

that he brings out in
me that I don't like.

It's not his fault, but he
brings out something in me

that I don't like about myself.

I've never felt this
emotion in my life.

Never even in
junior high school.

But every time I see even a
photograph of Mark Z-Zuckerberg,

Zuckerber-berg.

Even just a photograph of him,

all I wanna do is just
give him a purple nurple.

Now, what is that?
[audience laughing]

Anyway, what I'm saying is

we have to stop
thinking like robots.

I've thought of a way of saving
earth from robot thinking.

I used to have friends.

I've still got 'em actually,
friends, good friends.

And I didn't agree
with 'em at all.

I didn't agree with 'em at all.

I don't even like 'em.

They'll get guys
that come around.

My wife still says to me,

"Why is this guy coming
around for dinner?

You hate this guy."

I'm like, "I know,
but he's my friend."

[audience laughing]

That's how it works.

But now it's like, you know,
you have to think like a robot.

Agree with me or you're wrong.

You think the way I
think or you're canceled.

So we have to stop
thinking like robots

and we all have to think
more like my Auntie Betty

who lives right
here in this city.

[audience laughing]

All right, all
right, she doesn't.

[laughing] I believe she does.

No, my Auntie Betty is a
very emotionally-well person.

She's a very
emotionally developed,

very emotionally-intelligent
human being.

If she disagrees with
something you say,

if she thinks you
were talking shit,

she doesn't try and cancel you.

Here's how you know
you're talking shit

around my Auntie Betty.

You say whatever crap you say,

and then if she thinks you're
talking crap, she'll do this.

She'll say, "Oh, is that right?

[audience laughing]

Well, shows what I know."

Then you know
you're talking shit.

Now, I'm very fond
of my Auntie Betty.

I'm very close with her still.

She's not that
much older than me.

She's about 16
years older than me,

and when I was born,
my mom was very sick.

She's my mom's youngest sister,

so she looked after me when
I was a baby, you know?

And she looked after me
when I was very young.

It was the 1960s and she was
the first person, actually,

that put the idea of a place
called America in my head

'cause she loved
American rock and roll.

Loved it.

Her favorite was Little Richard.

And-
[audience cheering]

I know.

She used to sing "Tutti
Frutti" to me as a lullaby.

That was like...

♪ Tutti frutti, oh la rudy

[audience laughing]

♪ Go to sleep you
little bastard ♪

[audience laughing]

Years later,

when Little Richard was
on my late night show,

I was surprised he didn't
have a Scottish accent.

[audience laughing]

And he was surprised
when I fell asleep

during "Tutti Frutti."
[audience laughing]

That's stupid. That's stupid.

You can't fall asleep
during "Tutti Frutti."

Tutti frutti! I'm
awake, I'm awake!

Anyway, about probably
18 months ago,

I was talking to
my Auntie Betty.

I was in Scotland, I was
talking to my Auntie Betty,

and some offers were coming in

to go on the road and
start doing standup again

around these great
United States.

She said, "Are you going out?

Are you going out and
do a standup tour?"

I said, "You know what? I don't
think I will, Auntie Betty."

She was like, "Why, Craig? Why?

It's always been your dream
to appear in this city."

[audience laughing]

She said, "You love
doing standup. Why wouldn't you go out?"

I said, "To be honest, Auntie
Betty, it's the young people.

It's the young people.

I feel like they're waiting
on the balls of their feet

waiting for you to say
something wrong, anything wrong,

and then they're, boom,
they're gonna boom,

and you're canceled.

That's it. It's
over, you're done.

And not only are you done now,

anything you ever did is done.

You're over. You never existed.

They're terrible."

And she said, "Oh no, I
don't see it that way at all

with the young people."

I said, "What?"

She said, "No, Craig,
the young people today,

I see it more like,

do you remember that
old David Bowie song

in the 1970s when he sang-

♪ Cha-cha-cha-cha-Changes

[audience laughing]

I was like, "No.
No, Auntie Betty.

No, not cha-cha-cha-changes.

They're fa-fa-fa-fa-fascists.
That's what they are."

[audience laughing]

They're just after,
they're just,

they're little kind
of... [groaning]

Their pitchforks.

No, they're terrifying.
They're nasty little Nazis."

And then it went quiet.

And then she said it.

"Oh, is that right?
[audience laughing]

Shows what I know.

[audience laughing]

And that's when I knew
I was talking shit.

So I had to rethink
my whole worldview

about the young people.

I had to alter my entire
[speaking foreign language].

[audience laughing]

You're welcome one
German academic.

[all laughing]

"Finally a joke for
me. Oh, that's good.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

I was hoping there
maybe would be one.

At least one German
joke and here we are."

It's like, alright,
stupid. Stop it.

German people don't
walk like that.

At the moment.
[audience laughing]

Although I get a sense,

some people are stretching
and getting ready though.

The word [speaking foreign
language] is a German word.

It means worldview and I had
to change my entire world view

about the young people so I did.

And here's what I think
about the young people now.

Here's the truth of it.

You're right.

It's your turn.
It's not my turn.

You are the youth. I'm old.

I had my shot at it.

If you guys want to take over

and change the way the world
works, how society works,

how gender works,
how music works,

how politic works,
how everything works,

if you want to
change it all, do it.

You're right. It's your turn.

I love you.

I love you, my Gen Z and
millennial brothers and sisters,

and I support you.

However-
[audience laughing]

If I accidentally
cross over a line

that you guys drew
20 minutes ago,

and it will be accidental
'cause I'm listening,

I wouldn't be just going,
"Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you.

Didn't hear you. Ah!"

If I accidentally
cross over that line,

or more likely I
crossed over that line

20 years ago before
you were born,

then at that point,

I also have to say, with
all the love in the world,

go fuck yourself.

There.
[audience applauding]

That to me seems fair.

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

I feel that's a
decent compromise.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] I'm 61 years old.

I'm not afraid of getting
canceled on social media.

I'm afraid of getting
canceled by God.

[audience laughing]

"Craig, that tweet was
inappropriate. Come on."

Coming.

"No wrong way."

[Craig groaning]
[audience laughing]

I think much more
than I used to.

Every time I go for a poop,
I think, "Is this it?"

[audience laughing]

Right?

I know.

I'm like, "Uh-oh. Oh
no, it's all right."

Here's a word, by the
way, a word of advice

if you're getting a bit older.

If you have the
beet salad one day,

write it down and
remember for the next day.

[audience laughing]

You can give yourself
a nasty turn.

I think about it
more than I used to.

I thought I was gonna die
when I had the Covids.

Did you guys hear
about that? The Covids?

I mean, I know it never got
here, but did you hear about it?

You guys are like, "Yeah,
just keep walking."

[audience laughing]

It was bad. I dunno if
you guys know it was bad.

I've had the Covid
twice. It was bad.

All the front row,
you've all got it again.

[audience laughing]

[Craig coughing]

Nah, actually, I had to get
tested for this, so I'm fine.

I do feel a bit monkey-poxy
though. I don't-

[audience laughing]

[Craig imitating
monkey grunting]

Maybe I just need some
cortisone and a banana.

I don't know.
[audience laughing]

I had the Covid twice. It's bad.

I thought...

I had it right at the beginning,

right at the very beginning.

Like, the very
beginning, you know,

before masks or
testing or anything.

You know, when it was still
cool? I got it right then.

Right at the very beginning.

We didn't know
what was happening.

I got it right at the beginning

when we thought you could get it

from not having enough
toilet paper in your house.

[audience laughing]
That's when I got it.

"Quick, Covid is coming.
Get toilet paper."

"Why?"

"Well, you have to
stuff in your ass."

"Why?"

"Well, the Covid bat
flies into your house

and if it sees your ass is
open, it flies up your ass

and goes [coughs]
into your body.

But if it flies in and your
ass is full of toilet paper,

the bat will go, 'I'll go
somewhere else,' and fly away."

[audience laughing]

I got it right in the
beginning when we thought

you could get it
from not washing your groceries correctly.

[audience laughing]

Then you buy your groceries
and you take 'em home

and you wipe 'em
down with bleach!

[audience laughing]

And then look at
it for three days.

"That ham look Covid-y to you?"

"I don't know.

I'm so hungry I could
read a Covid bat."

[audience laughing]

It was bad.

And also, it wasn't
just the Covid,

especially at the beginning.

It was the fear that was
everywhere with the Covid

'cause you didn't know

what bonus feature you were
going to get with the Covid.

What are you gonna
get as your DVD extra?

[audience laughing]

What are you gonna get?

You get Covid, what
are you gonna get?

You gonna get long Covid?

You gonna get the
cardiovascular thing?

You gonna get the beet salad?
What are you gonna get?

[audience laughing]

And I'll be honest with you,
the first time I got Covid,

Covid is bad, but the bonus
feature was much, much worse.

The bonus feature I got
the first time with Covid,

much worse than the Covid.

I got, as my bonus feature
the first time around,

a horrible, agonizing,
debilitating UTI.

[audience groaning]

[Craig laughing]
[audience laughing]

That was a particularly
female ooh,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Listen, I hear you, my sisters.

I had no idea. I apologize.

I'm here for you
ladies. I'm so sorry.

I did not know. I had no idea.

Cranberry juice.
Cranberry juice.

[audience laughing]
Unbelievable.

If you don't know what a UTI
is, you're probably a dude.

UTI stands for urinary
tract infection.

"Oh really, Craig? I thought
only ladies got a UTI."

No! Anyone that's got
a UT can get an I.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

"Craig, are you saying

you didn't clean your
vagina correctly?"

No, I did! I did
clean it correctly.

And anyway, that's not how you
get it you fucking asshole.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

[audience cheering]
I'm here, I'm here.

I'm here and I
apologize, ladies.

I apologize. I had no idea.

It was bad.

I mean, it was so
bad, I was sweating

and horrible with the Covid
and my penis was on fire.

It was like, ah, it was like
the 1980s all over again.

[audience laughing]

I swear to God, the only
relief I could get, I swear,

was putting my penis in
a glass of cold water.

I was like, [groaning].

I can never go back
to that Denny's.

[audience laughing]
[audience applauding]

Just the pancakes,
please. Just the pancakes.

It was really bad.

And I was in Scotland
when I got it.

I was in Scotland, so I couldn't
even see my regular doctor.

Don't get me wrong.

I love Scotland, but
my doctor's in America.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

I apologize if I've offended
any Scottish doctors

who are here this evening.

I know there's no
Scottish doctors here.

Nobody's smoking.
[audience laughing]

I was in Scotland. I
don't have a doctor there.

I started phoning around
trying to find a doctor.

I was phoning different
offices. Couldn't get anyone.

Eventually I talked to
a woman on the phone

and she said she was a
doctor's receptionist.

But looking back on it now,

I realize she's
probably a witch.

[audience laughing]

"You shall not
talk to the doctor

until you answer
my questions three.

[audience laughing]

Did you wash your groceries?

Did you stuff toilet
paper in your ass?"

It was all of that.

She kept questioning.

Eventually I said, "Look, look.
You've gotta listen to me.

I'm in bad shape here."

I said this, this is true.

I said, "Look, it's
not just the Covid.

I've also got very
inflamed penis."

And I swear this
is what she said.

She went, "Any more of that
talk and I'm hanging up."

[audience laughing]

But yeah, I managed to
persuade her I was sick.

So she says, "Alright, you
sound like you're quite sick.

The doctor will see you
first thing Monday morning."

This was Friday night.

I said, "It's Friday night.

I could be dead by
Monday morning!"

She said, "Well, you should
have washed your groceries,"

and hung up.

So the whole weekend I was
in this flat in Glasgow,

in his apartment in Glasgow
and I was sweating and dying.

I was like, "Oh my God."

And about four o'clock in
the morning on the Saturday,

I swear this is true, I was
standing in the bathroom naked,

naked with my penis in
a glass of cold water.

And my penis was
very distressed.

He was like [imitates
penis screaming].

I was like, "Quiet, Snorky.
It's all right, boy."

[audience laughing]

That's right. Snorky.

[all laughing]

I said, "Quiet, Snorky,
quiet. It's alright, boy."

I was really bad,
but here's the thing.

I swear this is true.

I was sweating, I was like
delirious with a fever.

The fever wouldn't go away

and I was standing with my
penis in a glass of cold water,

and I started to kind of
hallucinate in this odd way.

And I heard a voice.

Well, it wasn't really a
voice, it was my voice.

And it said a thing
and I went, "Wow,

you're a very sick
man, Craig Ferguson."

'Cause it came outta
my head, this voice,

and I swear this
is what it said.

It went, "If I
live through this,

I'm gonna put it in the act."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Turning adversary into gold.

[audience laughing]

So I went to see the doctor
first thing Monday morning.

And it was a bit tricky

because the doctor was a
Scottish Protestant lady doctor,

and I'm a Scottish
Protestant man patient

so things are a
little tense anyway.

And she said, you know, "I
talked to her about the Covid

and I said, "I've got Covid."

She went, "Okay."

And then she could tell there
was something else wrong.

And she said, "What is it?"

I said, "It's my penis, doctor."

[audience laughing]
And I swear she did this.

She went, "Oh great."
[audience laughing]

She went, "All right, we
better have a look at it."

So I got up the table,
I took down my pants

and I swear she did this.

She went, "Oh, that
is very unpleasant.

[audience laughing]

10 points off Slytherin."

[audience laughing]

She got a little
tongue-depressor thing and she moved it.

She moved it and she went,

"Oh, it looks like a
snail with leprosy.

[audience laughing]

I said, "Am I gonna die?"

She said, "No,
you're not gonna die.

It's a UTI, you big baby.

I'll give you some antibiotics
and it'll clear right up."

I said, "What about the Covid?
Am I gonna die from that?"

She said, "I don't know."

[audience laughing]

But obviously I was fine.

I'm sorry to the young people

for talking about my illnesses.

Sorry everybody.

But I've reached that age.

When I was young, my
stories were great.

It was like, "Yeah, we
took some Patagonian acid,

we stole the space shuttle
and drove it to Hooters.

Ah-ha-ha!"
[audience laughing]

Now my story is just,
"Well, it turns out

I had an infection
and my pee-pee hole.

[audience laughing]

Looked like a snail
with leprosy."

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

Nobody tells you that
about getting older either.

Your mouth just falls
open all the time.

You don't even know.

I caught myself at a
stoplight the other day, just.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, sorry about
talking about my illnesses.

I won't do it again.

The second time I got Covid...
[audience laughing]

The second time I got covid,

the bonus feature was
very strange indeed.

It wasn't anything to do with
my pee pee, thank goodness.

It was, I got something
as my bonus feature.

Something called,

and maybe medical
professionals may know it,

a chalazion.

Do you know what that is?

No. I didn't know either.

I thought it sounded adorable.

[audience laughing]

A chalazion? Well,
that's lovely.

It sounds like a leprechaun's
walking stick or something.

"Ah, touch me chalazion and
I'll give yous a pot o' gold.

This is how leprechaun's
walk apparently.

"I'm sorry for walking
like this. I've got a UTI."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, a chalazion

is a horrible, very
unpleasant eye infection.

And it looks like a stye
but it's not a stye.

It's very different.

And I was like, oh, and
I was in Scotland again

when I got covid again.

[audience laughing]

Just saying.

And I had to go and
see the same doctor

that had looked at my pee
pee at the previous thing.

And I went in and she looked
at my eye and she went...

It was bad. It was all swollen.

She went, "Oh, what's that?"

[audience laughing]
I went, "I don't know,

hence my visit to you, doctor."

She went, "It
looks like a stye."

I went, "Yeah, I thought
it might be that."

She went, "Hmm, okay.

I better have another look
at your penis just in case."

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, no, forget it.

You had your chance, doctor."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] That's the stupidest
thing I've said so far.

You've had your chance?

Alright, shut up. Anyway.

She said, "It looks like
a stye." I went, "Okay."

She went, "Okay, it's a bad
one though." I said, "I know."

She said, "Okay, I'll give
you a course of antibiotics.

That'll take care of it."

I went, "Okay."

So I start taking this
course of antibiotics

and I leave Scotland,
I come back to America,

and I go to Los Angeles and
my eye's not getting better.

It's getting worse.

And I'm taking, it's
getting worse and worse.

So I go and see
my American doctor

and I walked in
and at this point,

my eye's like a baboon's
anus on my face.

And I walk in and he
looks at it and he goes,

"Oh wow. What's that?"

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "I don't know!"

He went, "Yeah.

Looks like a stye."
[audience laughing]

I went, "Yeah, I, know,
that's what we thought."

He went, "Okay. I'm gonna give
you a course of antibiotics."

I said, "I took
antibiotics in Scotland

and they didn't work."

And he went, "Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna give you some
American antibiotics."

[audience laughing]

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Will kill your
motherfucking eye ♪

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Will take away that stye

♪ American antibiotics

♪ When you are feeling rough

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Built Ford tough

[audience cheering]
[audience applauding]

I'm like, "Yeah.

Hell yeah!

Hell yeah. Gimme some of
those American antibiotics."

He went, "Okay,"
and he ordered them

and the American antibiotics
arrived in a monster truck.

They came in a monster truck

and it was being
driven by Chuck Norris.

And Chuck Norris jumped
out of the monster truck

and he landed in front of me.

He opened his pants and a bald
eagle flew out of his pants

and circled my head

and dropped the American
antibiotics in my mouth

and I felt them tingle

to every one of my red,
white, and blue veins.

And they didn't work.
[audience laughing]

Because antibiotics don't
work on a chalazion.

But we don't know
it's a chalazion yet.

And I'm starting to
get really worried now.

Like really worried and I
start going on the internet

looking around for cures,
which is a very bad idea.

Don't do that.

I ended up, for some
reason, I don't know why,

on Gwyneth Paltrow's website.
[audience laughing]

Look, I don't want to
be disloyal, my sisters.

You know I'm on your side,

but I think that women
might be full of shit.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]
Maybe.

I read a thing, I don't
know if it's still up there,

but I read a thing on that.

This is true.

It's like, "Ladies,
if you're feeling

a lot of negative emotions

and you've got a
lot of depression

and bad things going
on in your body,

try putting a hen's egg
in your vagina for a while

and it will absorb the
negative emotions."

I'm like, are you crazy?

[audience laughing]

That's insane.

That's dangerous.

What if that hatched?

[audience laughing]

What if you're sitting in church

just in the quiet
bit when you're meant to think about Jesus

and you hear [imitates
chicken cooing].

"Susan, what's that?"

"It's just gas."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, I'm freaking out.

I've got this eye infection.
I don't know what it is.

And I thought,
"Oh, you know what?

I had acupuncture once for
something and it really helped.

I can't remember.
Oh, memory loss.

I got it for memory loss. Oh.

I know acupuncture is a
legit thing, so I'll try it."

So I went to the
traditional-Chinese-medicine center

in Santa Monica, California.

A big place, it's very legit.

And I go in and I walked in
and my eye's really swollen.

The doctor looked at my
eye and he went, "A-ha."

Now, wait. No, hang on.

That is not me doing
a Chinese accent.

I understand and the rules are
correct. I agree with them.

You don't do accents of a race
which you don't belong to.

It is bullying and it's nasty

and it makes people feel
bad about themselves.

And I get it and
I subscribe to it.

And anyway, the
doctor wasn't Chinese.

He was an old white
guy from Sacramento

that studied at the
University of Beijing.

So fuck you millennials.

[audience laughing]

It's true.

So he looked at my eye and
he went, "Ah, eye infection."

I went, "Yeah,"
and he went, "Okay.

Take off your socks and shoes."

I went, "What?"

He went, "Take off
your socks and shoes."

So I went, "All right."

I took off my socks and shoes

and he got an acupuncture needle

and he went between my big
toe and the toe next to it,

which in my case is actually
bigger than my big toe.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I don't know
what it means, but it is.

I had a girlfriend
once who said,

"I think it's a sign
of intelligence."

I was like, "Not
on you, it isn't."

[audience laughing]

I didn't say that.
I didn't say that.

I thought it but
I didn't say it.

Anyway, he gets this needle

and he goes between my big
toe and the toe next to it.

And he goes, pbbt, with the
needle and my eye went, "Ah."

I went, "Wow," and he went,
pbbt, and my eye went, "Ow."

I went, "Wow, I didn't know

your eye and your foot
were connected like that."

And he said, "Oh yes.

Otherwise, how could you
walk to what you see?"

[audience laughing]

I thought, finally, we
are getting somewhere.

[all laughing]

So he kept doing it.

He's going, pbbt,
my eye's going "Ow."

He's going, pbbt, "Ow,"
pbbt, "Ow," pbbt, "Ow."

I was like, "Is this
gonna cure my eye?"

He said, "No, but it's cool,
isn't it? Isn't it cool?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "It is cool, but
I'm looking for something

that'll cure my
serious eye infection."

He said, "Well, look, Craig,
I'm not an expert," he said,

"But if I had an eye infection

and I didn't know what it was,

I'd go and see a
specialist eye doctor."

I was like, "You are so wise."

[audience laughing]

So I did.

I went to see a
specialist eye doctor

in Beverly Hills, California.
[audience wooing]

Thanks everybody.
[audience laughing]

Now, I walked in to
see this eye doctor

who she ironically was Chinese

with a very thick
Chinese accent.

Now obviously I'm
not gonna do that.

[audience laughing]

I'm not.

So let's pretend that
the Chinese doctor had a French accent

because nobody gives a
fuck about you people.

And to be honest, even
the French are like,

"Sure, fine. We don't care."

[audience laughing]

We'll definitely cut
this bit out. But anyway.

So I walked in and I,
and she looked at my eye

and she went, [gasps]
[speaking foreign language].

[audience laughing]

She was leaning on a lamppost,
wearing a trench coat

and smoking a cigarette.

She said, "I'm afraid, Craig,

what do you have
is a chalazion."

I said, "Well, what is it?

She said, "A chalazion, Craig,

is an eye infection
of a particular type.

It is a piece of
dirt of the tritus.

It blocks the tear duct
and it gets infected.

Now normally, it becomes
a little pus ball.

We pop the pus ball and the
pus rolls down your cheek

like when the clown cries."

[audience laughing]

She said, "But your chalazion,

because your immune system
has been compromised

by the COVID-19, your
chalazion has calcified.

It has hardened.

It has become like
a little rock,

like a pearl inside an oyster
at the bottom of the ocean

where the fish make their home."

[audience laughing]

She said, "I'm afraid we're
going to have to operate."

So I had to have
an eye operation,

which I don't know if you've
ever had an eye operation,

but it's nowhere
near as much fun

as you think it's gonna be.
[audience laughing]

First of all,

I couldn't have any fun
time, sleepy time drugs

because I used up my quota

of fun time, sleepy time drugs

some time ago.

If I take sedatives, things
get a little arrest-y.

[audience laughing]

And I don't know any
doctors who will know this.

The eye is an extremely
difficult place

to get a local
anesthetic into it.

Just, you can try, but
it doesn't really work.

And so we tried, but I
could feel everything.

And she put a clamp in my eye

to hold it open
for the operation.

A clamp.

Which, it was like that
movie "Clockwork Orange."

You know that movie?

Like, you young people, if
you haven't seen that movie,

you should see it,
it's hilarious.

[audience laughing]

I love the idea of
a touchy millennial

seeing "Clockwork Orange"
for the first time.

"Ah!"

To be fair, even in the
1970s, people were like, "Ah!"

Even Stanley Kubrick who
made that movie was like,

"I'm sorry everybody. I probably
shouldn't have done that."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, she put the
clamp on my eye.

And she was a great doctor.

I mean a real genius, an artist.

She made a little
incision with a scalpel.

I felt her doing it and then
I felt the tweezers going in.

The little things, and she
wriggled around in there

and she found the little stone

and [pops lips] pulled it out.

It was amazing.

And she put it in a little
dish and that was it.

And she didn't even
gimme stitches,

just put a little super
glue under my eye.

And it went, boop, like that.

I went, "Ooh, that's
good. Do the other side."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] Then I sent the
recipe to Gwyneth Paltrow.

[audience laughing]

And so the stone, the little
chalazion was in the dish

and I said to the
doctor, I said, "Doctor,"

and she said, "Wi?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "That chalazion.
Could I keep that?"

And she said, "Yeah,
monsieur, but of course.

It is your chalazion.

You grew it yourself

like the winemakers of
provence grew the grapes

to make the Sauvignon.

[audience laughing]

So this is true.

I got the chalazion, I got it
dried out, I got it varnished,

I got it mounted,
put into a ring

and I gave it to my
wife for her birthday.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] Yeah!

And she said, "Wow, that's
unusual. What's that?"

I said, "It's a chalazion."

[audience laughing]

She says, "What's a chalazion?

I said, "It's an Irish pearl."

[audience laughing]

She said, "Is it very
expensive?" I went, "Oh, yes,

I'll have to do two
shows in Minneapolis

to pay for this fucker."
[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And here we are.

I'll tell you why I bring it up.

I mean, my wife, we've
been married for 15 years

and we were in
lockdown together.

Now, we were in Scotland
during the lockdown,

which is not like
American lockdown.

In America, what did you
guys do for lockdown?

You closed a Piggly Wiggly
for a day or something?

[audience laughing]

It's like, that's
not a lockdown.

Lockdown in Scotland,
we were in Scotland.

They locked it down
for about two months.

You had to stay in your house.

You went out your house,
somebody'll be like,

"Get back in your hoose.

[audience laughing]

Get back in your hoose,
ya filthy Covid monkey.

And get some toilet
paper in your ass

before you kill us all!"

[audience laughing]

Anyway, the thing was, we were
locked together in the house

for two months together.

And normally, you know, I'm
out working, I'm doing stuff,

I'm going around.

And we were locked together,
a lot more time together

than we were used to
spending together.

And I had no idea how much
I irritated this woman.

[audience laughing]

Like, wow. I am a dick!

And I started to,
just to amuse myself,

in no way judgmentally,
I started to observe her

and see how irritated
she was getting by me,

using a system based on the
flightless bird of New Zealand,

the emu.

Do you know the emu or e-myoo?

The emu is a bird in New
Zealand. Very angry bird.

Not like an Angry
Bird on your phone.

Not like a ho-ho-ho Angry Bird.

Like a very angry bird.

Like about 100,000 people
a year are killed by emus.

[audience laughing]

I believe that to be true.

[audience laughing]

Anyway. [chuckles]

What it is, is if I'm
irritating my wife,

what happens is, I can
tell I'm irritating her

'cause her hand starts to
take the form of an emu.

[audience laughing]

And it comes up and
it whispers to her.

[audience laughing]

And then it looks at me.

and she talks to me.

Tells me where I'm going wrong.

And I can take that.
It's not that dangerous.

But when another emu comes up,

[audience laughing]

now you get two emus.

And if the emus start
talking to each other,

you know you're in trouble

'cause that's when
you're gonna get,

"That's not how you get a
UTI, you fucking idiot!"

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Anyway, this is
her favorite joke.

[audience laughing]

Now, I didn't write this
joke. It's not my joke.

I take no responsibility
for this joke.

I mean, she doesn't laugh at
things I say. We're married.

[audience laughing]

So... [chuckles]

But she loves this joke,

and even though it's
a Scottish joke,

and she's an American.

Well, I'm an American
too, but she's from here.

Right here.
[audience laughing]

Here, like, two blocks away.
[audience laughing]

She's from New England.

Which if you don't
know in New England,

it's just like Old England
except people have teeth.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, you are from
New England. Yes.

I can tell because of your
magical white mouth stones."

[audience laughing]

[woman cackling]

[audience laughing]

It's a favorite with
Griselda in the balcony.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, look, this
is her favorite joke.

Alright, here's the
joke. Very simple joke.

Setup, punchline, we're done.

[audience laughing]
Here it is.

[audience laughing]
You gotta wait for the joke.

Can't just wheeze right away.

[audience laughing]

Here's the joke.

What does a Scotsman
wear under his kilt?

On a good day, lipstick.

There, there's the joke.

Ah, I dunno.
[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]
I don't know. Really?

[audience cheering]
Really?

I dunno. I don't love it.

To me that joke's a
little heteronormative.

You know what I'm saying?

Although it would depend
on what was under the kilt

and then who applied it and
what it was applied with, so...

All right, I think I
just fixed that joke.

[audience laughing]

What a time to be alive.

Goodnight everybody. Good
night, good night, good night.

[audience applauding]
[audience cheering]