Original subtitles

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

Downloaded from YTS.MX

Oh, I'm so happy to be here.

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

[audience whooting]

I am, I'm so happy to be

in the greatest theater in the greatest city

in the United States of America.

[audience applauding] [audience cheering]

That's right.

That's right, I love this region with its many-

[audience laughing]

With its many famous things.

And... [laughing]

How about that local team?

[audience laughing]

Now listen.

I gotta say.

I gotta just start with the point of order

and it's important because I've noticed

a lot of things going on in my shows recently,

and I'm a little concerned about it.

I've noticed a lot more young people coming to the show.

[audience cheering] Yeah, I know.

I can see you out there with hope in your eyes

and collagen in your skin.

I can see you. [audience laughing]

And I have to think to myself,

"What the hell are you doing here?"

I mean, I still got my regular crowd.

I can smell the pee pee and lavender. I know you're here.

I know I still got my peeps.

"Hey, Craig." I know you're here.

But the young people are here now

and I think you've been watching me on the tickety-tock.

Haven't you?

Been watching on the tickety-tock? I know.

Well, look, a word of warning.

I may go on for longer than 45 seconds this evening.

[audience laughing]

And I gotta say this because of the young people,

but the old people too.

Everybody.

I forbid you, and I mean, forbid you

to tweet out anything I say tonight during the show.

A tweet out or any of your social media,

but your tweety, your bingo, your zippy, your lamp post,

whatever the hell it is.

I don't know. Instacart.

Whatever you do...

Instagram, Grindr, whatever one you're doing.

Myspace for some of the older-

[audience laughing]

Just don't, all right?

Don't, 'cause I'm gonna say some things tonight

that will not be true.

And I want you to listen to this.

They will not be true. They'll be lies.

They'll be things that, you know,

I'll be saying things that I don't agree with,

I don't believe.

It'll be the opposite of what I believe,

but in the context of what we're doing this evening,

that's called a joke.

[audience laughing]

Because I know.

I know some of you young people,

you're struggling with that concept right now a little bit.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding] We love you. We love you.

I know.

But don't, because I don't want you

to tweet out anything I say

or put it on your Insta or anything.

Don't do that because it'll be outta context.

They won't know we are here

in the greatest comedy theater in the entire world.

It'll just go out and it'll be outta context.

And those words will go out there

and people will think I believe those things

and I'll have to defend them.

And I can't be held accountable for what I say.

[audience laughing]

What kind of an America is that, everybody?

I know. [audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Because look, it's nothing against you.

I'm just tired of apologizing.

I'm tired of apologizing.

A man in my line of work...

When I was doing that late night show,

when I was doing the late night, I-

[audience cheering] No, wait.

[audience applauding]

Thank you, everyone that can't afford Netflix.

But listen, when I- [audience laughing]

When I was doing that late-night show,

I had to apologize every night.

Every night I had to apologize for something.

And I meant it then, obviously,

in the sense that, you know, had I not apologized,

I'd have been fired.

But we are not in that position this evening.

I've already got your money.

[audience laughing]

I once had to apologize to the entire country of Australia.

The whole country.

I'm not just talking about the people,

I'm talking about the flora and fauna and the kangaroos

and the wallabies and the witchetty grubs

and the koala bears, and all the other animals

that keep a little spare animal down the front

in case they get a flat.

I don't fucking know. [audience laughing]

But I had to apologize to all of Australia,

but they were very mad at me.

Alright, I'll tell you what happened.

What happened was,

there was an Australian actor on the show,

a friend of mine, a gentleman by the name of Guy Pierce.

You know Guy Pierce?

[audience cheering] Yeah. He's a great actor.

Australian.

So Guy Pierce was on the show,

and we were just dicking around.

Guys being dudes.

And he was going, "Oh, Scotland's rubbish, mate."

And I was like, "Australia's rubbish, mate."

And ha ha ha.

And then- [audience laughing]

Then, apparently, I crossed a line.

I said that Canberra, the capital city of Australia

was a festering shithole.

[audience laughing]

I know.

I know I shouldn't have said that.

I don't know. I've never been to Canberra.

I should have said it is allegedly a festering shithole.

[audience laughing]

We can probably cut that bit out.

But what I'm saying is- [audience laughing]

[Craig laughs]

What I'm saying is, you know, you gotta...

Just, the rules of comedy, you know, [whimpers]

they are what they are, I guess.

They are what they've always been, really.

I think the rules of comedy are what they've always been,

which is, you know, be funny, don't be a dick.

That's it.

Now, I use the term dick there in it's non-gender usage.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

I mean, no disrespect to my actual dick,

who is a beautiful one-eyed dude

who suffers from occasional stiffness.

[audience laughing]

Actually, the older I get,

that seems to be clearing up a little bit.

Yeah. [audience laughing]

When I was young, I was all live and supple.

My dick was stiff all the time.

Now I'm stiff all the time

and my dick's all live and supple all the time.

[audience laughing]

I feel I'm getting so old.

I now make the same noises for sitting down

as I used to make for sex. [audience laughing]

Like, "Oh, that is nice. Ah.

Oh, I love the feeling of the crushed velvet

against my taint.

Oh, that is lovely. Ah.

Oh. [groaning]

I'm hungry. [snoring] [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[sighs] Anyway, look.

What I'm saying is, the rules of comedy

are what they always were, you know?

Just be funny and don't be a dick.

And I think the only people that complain

about you can't say what you used to say,

are old comedians.

Just old white comedians.

Or just old comedians.

"Oh, you can't say what you used to say,"

but here's what I think.

I think when old comedians are saying that,

"You can't say what you used to say,

'cause of the woke generation."

I think what they're really saying is,

"I'm afraid of young people."

[audience laughing]

And I get it.

I'm afraid of young people too.

They move too quickly,

they've very strong opinions about things.

I didn't move quickly and have strong opinions

when I was young

because I had strong drugs when I was young.

[audience laughing]

It's very difficult

to get in a nuanced argument about pronouns

when you're zapped off your tits on Pakistani black hashish.

[audience laughing]

"What's your position on the pronoun argument, Craig?"

Yeah... [audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

But we gotta knock it off. That's what I'm saying.

And I'm glad there's a mixture old people and young people

coming to my shows now.

I'm glad because it gives us a chance

to knock this on the head.

Old people and young people, we've gotta knock this off.

We've gotta stop fighting each other. This is crazy.

We gotta get along. We all share the same space.

And being old is not so different to being young.

I swear. It's not so different.

You just itch a lot more, don't you? Isn't it just itchy?

[audience laughing] It's like being young,

except you're really itchy all the time.

You're like, "Oh my God." Nobody tells you.

By the way, cortisone is the wonder cream. Just get it.

I mean, you're like, "I'm itchy, I'm itchy, I'm itchy.

[imitates squirting] Oh."

[audience laughing]

I think I just gave away where I get itchy.

[audience laughing]

Probably cut that out. Anyway, there.

But the old people, you know,

if you're old, you just itch a little more.

And if you're young, it's a byproduct of being young.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault if you're young.

That's just a side effect to being young,

which is you're stupid.

[audience laughing]

I know you think you're not, but you are.

You're so stupid, you don't even know you're stupid.

But the thing is, you know...

Oh, God, I'm so itchy.

[audience laughing]

But here's the thing.

If you're older now, think back, older people,

If you're older now,

that means you were young in the sixties or seventies

or eighties or nineties.

"Huh, what? No, Craig."

Yeah, nineties as well!

"No, Craig, Hoobastank!"

No, no, no Hoobastank.

"No Craig, Hootie and the Blowfish."

No. Hootie and the no fish. [audience laughing]

They're all dead. They all died.

They were all found floating at the top of the pool.

[audience laughing]

They're fine. That's stupid.

So what I'm saying is, if you're old now,

that means you were young in the sixties, seventies,

eighties, or nineties, you know?

Which means back then, you know, not only were you stupid,

you were also, and I don't know about you personally,

but statistically, if you were young then,

you were promiscuous.

[audience member chuckles]

Uh-huh. [audience laughing]

But what happened is, the sexy generation,

they had a lot of sex,

and they had babies.

The babies grew up to be the Gen Z

and the Millennial generation

and they did what the next generation does.

They rebelled against the attitudes

and the morals of the generation that came before

and it swung the other way.

And sex became bad and dirty and naughty and creepy again.

Thank you. [audience laughing]

Because I'm a Scottish Protestant.

We are not comfortable with sex the way you guys do it,

with a touching and kissing

and being in the same room and all that.

[audience laughing] We don't.

Scottish Protestants. We have sex by mail.

That's how we do it. We have sex by mail.

Dear Margaret- [audience laughing]

I hope this letter finds you well.

[chuckles] Oh, you like that, don't you, Margaret?

[audience laughing]

[Craig moaning] [audience laughing]

[Craig moaning] [audience laughing]

[Craig moaning] [audience laughing]

Anyway, Margaret, as your husband,

I have decided it is time we had a baby

so please find enclosed in this envelope

an example of my jizz.

[audience laughing]

Too much? Jizz is too much?

[audience laughing] Alright.

An example of my man gravy. Man gravy?

[audience laughing]

Scrotum custard. [audience groaning]

Egg drop soup. I don't know! [audience laughing]

Please insert it into your lady parts

and all being well, I'll see you at the christening.

Best wishes, your husband, Adolf.

That's how we do it. [audience laughing]

Don't do that.

Anyway, look, here's the thing though.

I have to say my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters,

as much as I love you, I got some news for you.

If you're in your thirties, early thirties, mid thirties,

late twenties, maybe, you're in that wheelhouse

and probably starting to have kids of your own now.

Those little tykes

you left tied to the furniture in the double wide

to be here tonight.

I know. [audience laughing]

I know where I am. [audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

It's specifically for the reasonably-priced seats up there.

[audience cheering] But, here's what I'm thinking.

Here's what I'm saying though.

Here's what I'm saying,

my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters,

if you're a young parent right now, you got little kids,

those little tykes,

they're not gonna stay little tykes forever.

They're not gonna stay adorable little tots forever.

They're gonna grow up. That's the way it works.

They're gonna grow up

and the pendulum's gonna swing the other way.

And they're gonna rebel against your attitudes.

They are coming.

[audience laughing]

And they will make Caligula's Rome

look like Mr. Rogers' neighborhood.

[audience laughing] They are coming!

If I was a young parent right now,

I'd start saving up for bail and rehab

'cause you're gonna need it.

And to be honest,

my millennial and Gen Z brothers and sisters,

you kind of deserve it, you smug, self-righteous ass-hats.

Now wait. Now wait. [audience laughing]

[audience applauding] I know what you're thinking.

"Oh, come on, Craig.

Old comedian railing against young people."

Well, I have to speak my truth, don't I?

[audience laughing]

"Speak your truth." What is your truth?

"Well, if you believe something to be true,

that's your truth,"

So the truth is subjective?

"In a way, yes."

I really wish I'd known that

in a court case in Glasgow in 1987.

[audience laughing]

Speak your truth.

Do you know where I first heard that actually,

was from Harry and Megan, speak your truth.

Don't get surly with me. They're your problem now.

[audience laughing]

I like when one of them said,

I can't remember which one it was.

The one that complains the most.

I dunno. [audience laughing]

But one of them said, "We have some news.

I was like, wow.

They said, "Someone in the royal family is a racist."

I was like, "Yeah?"

[audience laughing]

It's nothing to do with them being royal. They're a family.

If you don't know who the racist is in your family,

it's cause it's you. [audience laughing]

It's part of family life.

You ever been to a wedding?

"Grandpa would like to say a few words."

"No, he will not not say few words!"

Anyway, I like that young people annoy me.

It means that we're still moving forward.

We're still developing as a society.

You know, I'm old, they're young, but.

'Cause for a while there,

I thought we were all just turning into robots.

They're not cool robots

like Jeff Pearson in the old late-night show?

I know. [audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Everybody loved Jeff. I know.

I love Jeff too.

People still say to me, "Craig, where's Jeff?"

And I always say the same thing.

"Fucking your mom," but I don't-

[audience laughing]

[Craig chuckles]

We'll cut that out. We'll cut that out.

But I don't say that.

I think it, but I don't say it.

No, I'm talking about the AI in our phones

that was making us think like robots.

These invisible robots that they put inside our phones

to make us think, like, in ones and zeros.

That's what AI stands for.

Are invisible. Are invisible robots that they...

And they were put in there by Elon Musk or Mark Zuckerberg,

one of the two.

I don't know who it was, but it was one of them.

[audience chuckling]

[audience laughing]

Do you know that Elon Musk has 28 children?

[audience laughing]

I believe he has 28 children, therefore it's true.

[audience laughing]

I'll tell you about Elon Musk.

Do you guys remember a show called Teletubbies?

Do you remember Teletubbies? [audience cheering]

I loved Teletubbies.

I used to watch it with my boys when they were very little.

I used to watch Teletubbies and I loved that show.

You know, every time I watched it, I thought,

"Man, I wish I still took Hashish."

I feel that it would be a real kind of duck ala orange.

But I loved it. I particularly loved Tinky-Winky.

[audience groaning] How dare you!

Shut up about Lala, Dipsey and Po, you asshole!

[audience laughing]

Tinky-Winky was the best one

with a big thing on its head

and a handbag, a little purse,

and an alcohol problem, I think, really, Tinky-Winkie.

Tinky-Winkie had a rinky dinky.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Uh-oh, Tinky-Winky fall down.

Uh-oh! [audience laughing]

Uh-oh.

Do you remember in that show,

the little baby that used to come up when the sun came up?

The little sun baby that used to go [cooing].

The sun baby?

That baby was Elon Musk. [audience laughing]

I believe it was.

I don't think it was Mark Zuckerberg, because he's not...

You wouldn't have him as your...

He's not an attractive man. [audience laughing]

He's not.

Well look, I'm not judging, but there is a thing

that he brings out in me that I don't like.

It's not his fault, but he brings out something in me

that I don't like about myself.

I've never felt this emotion in my life.

Never even in junior high school.

But every time I see even a photograph of Mark Z-Zuckerberg,

Zuckerber-berg.

Even just a photograph of him,

all I wanna do is just give him a purple nurple.

Now, what is that? [audience laughing]

Anyway, what I'm saying is

we have to stop thinking like robots.

I've thought of a way of saving earth from robot thinking.

I used to have friends.

I've still got 'em actually, friends, good friends.

And I didn't agree with 'em at all.

I didn't agree with 'em at all.

I don't even like 'em.

They'll get guys that come around.

My wife still says to me,

"Why is this guy coming around for dinner?

You hate this guy."

I'm like, "I know, but he's my friend."

[audience laughing]

That's how it works.

But now it's like, you know, you have to think like a robot.

Agree with me or you're wrong.

You think the way I think or you're canceled.

So we have to stop thinking like robots

and we all have to think more like my Auntie Betty

who lives right here in this city.

[audience laughing]

All right, all right, she doesn't.

[laughing] I believe she does.

No, my Auntie Betty is a very emotionally-well person.

She's a very emotionally developed,

very emotionally-intelligent human being.

If she disagrees with something you say,

if she thinks you were talking shit,

she doesn't try and cancel you.

Here's how you know you're talking shit

around my Auntie Betty.

You say whatever crap you say,

and then if she thinks you're talking crap, she'll do this.

She'll say, "Oh, is that right?

[audience laughing]

Well, shows what I know."

Then you know you're talking shit.

Now, I'm very fond of my Auntie Betty.

I'm very close with her still.

She's not that much older than me.

She's about 16 years older than me,

and when I was born, my mom was very sick.

She's my mom's youngest sister,

so she looked after me when I was a baby, you know?

And she looked after me when I was very young.

It was the 1960s and she was the first person, actually,

that put the idea of a place called America in my head

'cause she loved American rock and roll.

Loved it.

Her favorite was Little Richard.

And- [audience cheering]

I know.

She used to sing "Tutti Frutti" to me as a lullaby.

That was like...

♪ Tutti frutti, oh la rudy

[audience laughing]

♪ Go to sleep you little bastard ♪

[audience laughing]

Years later,

when Little Richard was on my late night show,

I was surprised he didn't have a Scottish accent.

[audience laughing]

And he was surprised when I fell asleep

during "Tutti Frutti." [audience laughing]

That's stupid. That's stupid.

You can't fall asleep during "Tutti Frutti."

Tutti frutti! I'm awake, I'm awake!

Anyway, about probably 18 months ago,

I was talking to my Auntie Betty.

I was in Scotland, I was talking to my Auntie Betty,

and some offers were coming in

to go on the road and start doing standup again

around these great United States.

She said, "Are you going out?

Are you going out and do a standup tour?"

I said, "You know what? I don't think I will, Auntie Betty."

She was like, "Why, Craig? Why?

It's always been your dream to appear in this city."

[audience laughing]

She said, "You love doing standup. Why wouldn't you go out?"

I said, "To be honest, Auntie Betty, it's the young people.

It's the young people.

I feel like they're waiting on the balls of their feet

waiting for you to say something wrong, anything wrong,

and then they're, boom, they're gonna boom,

and you're canceled.

That's it. It's over, you're done.

And not only are you done now,

anything you ever did is done.

You're over. You never existed.

They're terrible."

And she said, "Oh no, I don't see it that way at all

with the young people."

I said, "What?"

She said, "No, Craig, the young people today,

I see it more like,

do you remember that old David Bowie song

in the 1970s when he sang-

♪ Cha-cha-cha-cha-Changes

[audience laughing]

I was like, "No. No, Auntie Betty.

No, not cha-cha-cha-changes.

They're fa-fa-fa-fa-fascists. That's what they are."

[audience laughing]

They're just after, they're just,

they're little kind of... [groaning]

Their pitchforks.

No, they're terrifying. They're nasty little Nazis."

And then it went quiet.

And then she said it.

"Oh, is that right? [audience laughing]

Shows what I know.

[audience laughing]

And that's when I knew I was talking shit.

So I had to rethink my whole worldview

about the young people.

I had to alter my entire [speaking foreign language].

[audience laughing]

You're welcome one German academic.

[all laughing]

"Finally a joke for me. Oh, that's good.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

I was hoping there maybe would be one.

At least one German joke and here we are."

It's like, alright, stupid. Stop it.

German people don't walk like that.

At the moment. [audience laughing]

Although I get a sense,

some people are stretching and getting ready though.

The word [speaking foreign language] is a German word.

It means worldview and I had to change my entire world view

about the young people so I did.

And here's what I think about the young people now.

Here's the truth of it.

You're right.

It's your turn. It's not my turn.

You are the youth. I'm old.

I had my shot at it.

If you guys want to take over

and change the way the world works, how society works,

how gender works, how music works,

how politic works, how everything works,

if you want to change it all, do it.

You're right. It's your turn.

I love you.

I love you, my Gen Z and millennial brothers and sisters,

and I support you.

However- [audience laughing]

If I accidentally cross over a line

that you guys drew 20 minutes ago,

and it will be accidental 'cause I'm listening,

I wouldn't be just going, "Oh, sorry, I didn't hear you.

Didn't hear you. Ah!"

If I accidentally cross over that line,

or more likely I crossed over that line

20 years ago before you were born,

then at that point,

I also have to say, with all the love in the world,

go fuck yourself.

There. [audience applauding]

That to me seems fair.

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

I feel that's a decent compromise.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] I'm 61 years old.

I'm not afraid of getting canceled on social media.

I'm afraid of getting canceled by God.

[audience laughing]

"Craig, that tweet was inappropriate. Come on."

Coming.

"No wrong way."

[Craig groaning] [audience laughing]

I think much more than I used to.

Every time I go for a poop, I think, "Is this it?"

[audience laughing]

Right?

I know.

I'm like, "Uh-oh. Oh no, it's all right."

Here's a word, by the way, a word of advice

if you're getting a bit older.

If you have the beet salad one day,

write it down and remember for the next day.

[audience laughing]

You can give yourself a nasty turn.

I think about it more than I used to.

I thought I was gonna die when I had the Covids.

Did you guys hear about that? The Covids?

I mean, I know it never got here, but did you hear about it?

You guys are like, "Yeah, just keep walking."

[audience laughing]

It was bad. I dunno if you guys know it was bad.

I've had the Covid twice. It was bad.

All the front row, you've all got it again.

[audience laughing]

[Craig coughing]

Nah, actually, I had to get tested for this, so I'm fine.

I do feel a bit monkey-poxy though. I don't-

[audience laughing]

[Craig imitating monkey grunting]

Maybe I just need some cortisone and a banana.

I don't know. [audience laughing]

I had the Covid twice. It's bad.

I thought...

I had it right at the beginning,

right at the very beginning.

Like, the very beginning, you know,

before masks or testing or anything.

You know, when it was still cool? I got it right then.

Right at the very beginning.

We didn't know what was happening.

I got it right at the beginning

when we thought you could get it

from not having enough toilet paper in your house.

[audience laughing] That's when I got it.

"Quick, Covid is coming. Get toilet paper."

"Why?"

"Well, you have to stuff in your ass."

"Why?"

"Well, the Covid bat flies into your house

and if it sees your ass is open, it flies up your ass

and goes [coughs] into your body.

But if it flies in and your ass is full of toilet paper,

the bat will go, 'I'll go somewhere else,' and fly away."

[audience laughing]

I got it right in the beginning when we thought

you could get it from not washing your groceries correctly.

[audience laughing]

Then you buy your groceries and you take 'em home

and you wipe 'em down with bleach!

[audience laughing]

And then look at it for three days.

"That ham look Covid-y to you?"

"I don't know.

I'm so hungry I could read a Covid bat."

[audience laughing]

It was bad.

And also, it wasn't just the Covid,

especially at the beginning.

It was the fear that was everywhere with the Covid

'cause you didn't know

what bonus feature you were going to get with the Covid.

What are you gonna get as your DVD extra?

[audience laughing]

What are you gonna get?

You get Covid, what are you gonna get?

You gonna get long Covid?

You gonna get the cardiovascular thing?

You gonna get the beet salad? What are you gonna get?

[audience laughing]

And I'll be honest with you, the first time I got Covid,

Covid is bad, but the bonus feature was much, much worse.

The bonus feature I got the first time with Covid,

much worse than the Covid.

I got, as my bonus feature the first time around,

a horrible, agonizing, debilitating UTI.

[audience groaning]

[Craig laughing] [audience laughing]

That was a particularly female ooh,

if you don't mind me saying so.

Listen, I hear you, my sisters.

I had no idea. I apologize.

I'm here for you ladies. I'm so sorry.

I did not know. I had no idea.

Cranberry juice. Cranberry juice.

[audience laughing] Unbelievable.

If you don't know what a UTI is, you're probably a dude.

UTI stands for urinary tract infection.

"Oh really, Craig? I thought only ladies got a UTI."

No! Anyone that's got a UT can get an I.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

"Craig, are you saying

you didn't clean your vagina correctly?"

No, I did! I did clean it correctly.

And anyway, that's not how you get it you fucking asshole.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

[audience cheering] I'm here, I'm here.

I'm here and I apologize, ladies.

I apologize. I had no idea.

It was bad.

I mean, it was so bad, I was sweating

and horrible with the Covid and my penis was on fire.

It was like, ah, it was like the 1980s all over again.

[audience laughing]

I swear to God, the only relief I could get, I swear,

was putting my penis in a glass of cold water.

I was like, [groaning].

I can never go back to that Denny's.

[audience laughing] [audience applauding]

Just the pancakes, please. Just the pancakes.

It was really bad.

And I was in Scotland when I got it.

I was in Scotland, so I couldn't even see my regular doctor.

Don't get me wrong.

I love Scotland, but my doctor's in America.

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

I apologize if I've offended any Scottish doctors

who are here this evening.

I know there's no Scottish doctors here.

Nobody's smoking. [audience laughing]

I was in Scotland. I don't have a doctor there.

I started phoning around trying to find a doctor.

I was phoning different offices. Couldn't get anyone.

Eventually I talked to a woman on the phone

and she said she was a doctor's receptionist.

But looking back on it now,

I realize she's probably a witch.

[audience laughing]

"You shall not talk to the doctor

until you answer my questions three.

[audience laughing]

Did you wash your groceries?

Did you stuff toilet paper in your ass?"

It was all of that.

She kept questioning.

Eventually I said, "Look, look. You've gotta listen to me.

I'm in bad shape here."

I said this, this is true.

I said, "Look, it's not just the Covid.

I've also got very inflamed penis."

And I swear this is what she said.

She went, "Any more of that talk and I'm hanging up."

[audience laughing]

But yeah, I managed to persuade her I was sick.

So she says, "Alright, you sound like you're quite sick.

The doctor will see you first thing Monday morning."

This was Friday night.

I said, "It's Friday night.

I could be dead by Monday morning!"

She said, "Well, you should have washed your groceries,"

and hung up.

So the whole weekend I was in this flat in Glasgow,

in his apartment in Glasgow and I was sweating and dying.

I was like, "Oh my God."

And about four o'clock in the morning on the Saturday,

I swear this is true, I was standing in the bathroom naked,

naked with my penis in a glass of cold water.

And my penis was very distressed.

He was like [imitates penis screaming].

I was like, "Quiet, Snorky. It's all right, boy."

[audience laughing]

That's right. Snorky.

[all laughing]

I said, "Quiet, Snorky, quiet. It's alright, boy."

I was really bad, but here's the thing.

I swear this is true.

I was sweating, I was like delirious with a fever.

The fever wouldn't go away

and I was standing with my penis in a glass of cold water,

and I started to kind of hallucinate in this odd way.

And I heard a voice.

Well, it wasn't really a voice, it was my voice.

And it said a thing and I went, "Wow,

you're a very sick man, Craig Ferguson."

'Cause it came outta my head, this voice,

and I swear this is what it said.

It went, "If I live through this,

I'm gonna put it in the act."

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[audience applauding]

Turning adversary into gold.

[audience laughing]

So I went to see the doctor first thing Monday morning.

And it was a bit tricky

because the doctor was a Scottish Protestant lady doctor,

and I'm a Scottish Protestant man patient

so things are a little tense anyway.

And she said, you know, "I talked to her about the Covid

and I said, "I've got Covid."

She went, "Okay."

And then she could tell there was something else wrong.

And she said, "What is it?"

I said, "It's my penis, doctor."

[audience laughing] And I swear she did this.

She went, "Oh great." [audience laughing]

She went, "All right, we better have a look at it."

So I got up the table, I took down my pants

and I swear she did this.

She went, "Oh, that is very unpleasant.

[audience laughing]

10 points off Slytherin."

[audience laughing]

She got a little tongue-depressor thing and she moved it.

She moved it and she went,

"Oh, it looks like a snail with leprosy.

[audience laughing]

I said, "Am I gonna die?"

She said, "No, you're not gonna die.

It's a UTI, you big baby.

I'll give you some antibiotics and it'll clear right up."

I said, "What about the Covid? Am I gonna die from that?"

She said, "I don't know."

[audience laughing]

But obviously I was fine.

I'm sorry to the young people

for talking about my illnesses.

Sorry everybody.

But I've reached that age.

When I was young, my stories were great.

It was like, "Yeah, we took some Patagonian acid,

we stole the space shuttle and drove it to Hooters.

Ah-ha-ha!" [audience laughing]

Now my story is just, "Well, it turns out

I had an infection and my pee-pee hole.

[audience laughing]

Looked like a snail with leprosy."

[audience laughing]

[audience continues laughing]

Nobody tells you that about getting older either.

Your mouth just falls open all the time.

You don't even know.

I caught myself at a stoplight the other day, just.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, sorry about talking about my illnesses.

I won't do it again.

The second time I got Covid... [audience laughing]

The second time I got covid,

the bonus feature was very strange indeed.

It wasn't anything to do with my pee pee, thank goodness.

It was, I got something as my bonus feature.

Something called,

and maybe medical professionals may know it,

a chalazion.

Do you know what that is?

No. I didn't know either.

I thought it sounded adorable.

[audience laughing]

A chalazion? Well, that's lovely.

It sounds like a leprechaun's walking stick or something.

"Ah, touch me chalazion and I'll give yous a pot o' gold.

This is how leprechaun's walk apparently.

"I'm sorry for walking like this. I've got a UTI."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, a chalazion

is a horrible, very unpleasant eye infection.

And it looks like a stye but it's not a stye.

It's very different.

And I was like, oh, and I was in Scotland again

when I got covid again.

[audience laughing]

Just saying.

And I had to go and see the same doctor

that had looked at my pee pee at the previous thing.

And I went in and she looked at my eye and she went...

It was bad. It was all swollen.

She went, "Oh, what's that?"

[audience laughing] I went, "I don't know,

hence my visit to you, doctor."

She went, "It looks like a stye."

I went, "Yeah, I thought it might be that."

She went, "Hmm, okay.

I better have another look at your penis just in case."

[audience laughing]

I said, "No, no, forget it.

You had your chance, doctor."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] That's the stupidest thing I've said so far.

You've had your chance?

Alright, shut up. Anyway.

She said, "It looks like a stye." I went, "Okay."

She went, "Okay, it's a bad one though." I said, "I know."

She said, "Okay, I'll give you a course of antibiotics.

That'll take care of it."

I went, "Okay."

So I start taking this course of antibiotics

and I leave Scotland, I come back to America,

and I go to Los Angeles and my eye's not getting better.

It's getting worse.

And I'm taking, it's getting worse and worse.

So I go and see my American doctor

and I walked in and at this point,

my eye's like a baboon's anus on my face.

And I walk in and he looks at it and he goes,

"Oh wow. What's that?"

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "I don't know!"

He went, "Yeah.

Looks like a stye." [audience laughing]

I went, "Yeah, I, know, that's what we thought."

He went, "Okay. I'm gonna give you a course of antibiotics."

I said, "I took antibiotics in Scotland

and they didn't work."

And he went, "Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna give you some American antibiotics."

[audience laughing]

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Will kill your motherfucking eye ♪

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Will take away that stye

♪ American antibiotics

♪ When you are feeling rough

♪ American antibiotics

♪ Built Ford tough

[audience cheering] [audience applauding]

I'm like, "Yeah.

Hell yeah!

Hell yeah. Gimme some of those American antibiotics."

He went, "Okay," and he ordered them

and the American antibiotics arrived in a monster truck.

They came in a monster truck

and it was being driven by Chuck Norris.

And Chuck Norris jumped out of the monster truck

and he landed in front of me.

He opened his pants and a bald eagle flew out of his pants

and circled my head

and dropped the American antibiotics in my mouth

and I felt them tingle

to every one of my red, white, and blue veins.

And they didn't work. [audience laughing]

Because antibiotics don't work on a chalazion.

But we don't know it's a chalazion yet.

And I'm starting to get really worried now.

Like really worried and I start going on the internet

looking around for cures, which is a very bad idea.

Don't do that.

I ended up, for some reason, I don't know why,

on Gwyneth Paltrow's website. [audience laughing]

Look, I don't want to be disloyal, my sisters.

You know I'm on your side,

but I think that women might be full of shit.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding] Maybe.

I read a thing, I don't know if it's still up there,

but I read a thing on that.

This is true.

It's like, "Ladies, if you're feeling

a lot of negative emotions

and you've got a lot of depression

and bad things going on in your body,

try putting a hen's egg in your vagina for a while

and it will absorb the negative emotions."

I'm like, are you crazy?

[audience laughing]

That's insane.

That's dangerous.

What if that hatched?

[audience laughing]

What if you're sitting in church

just in the quiet bit when you're meant to think about Jesus

and you hear [imitates chicken cooing].

"Susan, what's that?"

"It's just gas."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, I'm freaking out.

I've got this eye infection. I don't know what it is.

And I thought, "Oh, you know what?

I had acupuncture once for something and it really helped.

I can't remember. Oh, memory loss.

I got it for memory loss. Oh.

I know acupuncture is a legit thing, so I'll try it."

So I went to the traditional-Chinese-medicine center

in Santa Monica, California.

A big place, it's very legit.

And I go in and I walked in and my eye's really swollen.

The doctor looked at my eye and he went, "A-ha."

Now, wait. No, hang on.

That is not me doing a Chinese accent.

I understand and the rules are correct. I agree with them.

You don't do accents of a race which you don't belong to.

It is bullying and it's nasty

and it makes people feel bad about themselves.

And I get it and I subscribe to it.

And anyway, the doctor wasn't Chinese.

He was an old white guy from Sacramento

that studied at the University of Beijing.

So fuck you millennials.

[audience laughing]

It's true.

So he looked at my eye and he went, "Ah, eye infection."

I went, "Yeah," and he went, "Okay.

Take off your socks and shoes."

I went, "What?"

He went, "Take off your socks and shoes."

So I went, "All right."

I took off my socks and shoes

and he got an acupuncture needle

and he went between my big toe and the toe next to it,

which in my case is actually bigger than my big toe.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] I don't know what it means, but it is.

I had a girlfriend once who said,

"I think it's a sign of intelligence."

I was like, "Not on you, it isn't."

[audience laughing]

I didn't say that. I didn't say that.

I thought it but I didn't say it.

Anyway, he gets this needle

and he goes between my big toe and the toe next to it.

And he goes, pbbt, with the needle and my eye went, "Ah."

I went, "Wow," and he went, pbbt, and my eye went, "Ow."

I went, "Wow, I didn't know

your eye and your foot were connected like that."

And he said, "Oh yes.

Otherwise, how could you walk to what you see?"

[audience laughing]

I thought, finally, we are getting somewhere.

[all laughing]

So he kept doing it.

He's going, pbbt, my eye's going "Ow."

He's going, pbbt, "Ow," pbbt, "Ow," pbbt, "Ow."

I was like, "Is this gonna cure my eye?"

He said, "No, but it's cool, isn't it? Isn't it cool?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "It is cool, but I'm looking for something

that'll cure my serious eye infection."

He said, "Well, look, Craig, I'm not an expert," he said,

"But if I had an eye infection

and I didn't know what it was,

I'd go and see a specialist eye doctor."

I was like, "You are so wise."

[audience laughing]

So I did.

I went to see a specialist eye doctor

in Beverly Hills, California. [audience wooing]

Thanks everybody. [audience laughing]

Now, I walked in to see this eye doctor

who she ironically was Chinese

with a very thick Chinese accent.

Now obviously I'm not gonna do that.

[audience laughing]

I'm not.

So let's pretend that the Chinese doctor had a French accent

because nobody gives a fuck about you people.

And to be honest, even the French are like,

"Sure, fine. We don't care."

[audience laughing]

We'll definitely cut this bit out. But anyway.

So I walked in and I, and she looked at my eye

and she went, [gasps] [speaking foreign language].

[audience laughing]

She was leaning on a lamppost, wearing a trench coat

and smoking a cigarette.

She said, "I'm afraid, Craig,

what do you have is a chalazion."

I said, "Well, what is it?

She said, "A chalazion, Craig,

is an eye infection of a particular type.

It is a piece of dirt of the tritus.

It blocks the tear duct and it gets infected.

Now normally, it becomes a little pus ball.

We pop the pus ball and the pus rolls down your cheek

like when the clown cries."

[audience laughing]

She said, "But your chalazion,

because your immune system has been compromised

by the COVID-19, your chalazion has calcified.

It has hardened.

It has become like a little rock,

like a pearl inside an oyster at the bottom of the ocean

where the fish make their home."

[audience laughing]

She said, "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate."

So I had to have an eye operation,

which I don't know if you've ever had an eye operation,

but it's nowhere near as much fun

as you think it's gonna be. [audience laughing]

First of all,

I couldn't have any fun time, sleepy time drugs

because I used up my quota

of fun time, sleepy time drugs

some time ago.

If I take sedatives, things get a little arrest-y.

[audience laughing]

And I don't know any doctors who will know this.

The eye is an extremely difficult place

to get a local anesthetic into it.

Just, you can try, but it doesn't really work.

And so we tried, but I could feel everything.

And she put a clamp in my eye

to hold it open for the operation.

A clamp.

Which, it was like that movie "Clockwork Orange."

You know that movie?

Like, you young people, if you haven't seen that movie,

you should see it, it's hilarious.

[audience laughing]

I love the idea of a touchy millennial

seeing "Clockwork Orange" for the first time.

"Ah!"

To be fair, even in the 1970s, people were like, "Ah!"

Even Stanley Kubrick who made that movie was like,

"I'm sorry everybody. I probably shouldn't have done that."

[audience laughing]

Anyway, she put the clamp on my eye.

And she was a great doctor.

I mean a real genius, an artist.

She made a little incision with a scalpel.

I felt her doing it and then I felt the tweezers going in.

The little things, and she wriggled around in there

and she found the little stone

and [pops lips] pulled it out.

It was amazing.

And she put it in a little dish and that was it.

And she didn't even gimme stitches,

just put a little super glue under my eye.

And it went, boop, like that.

I went, "Ooh, that's good. Do the other side."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] Then I sent the recipe to Gwyneth Paltrow.

[audience laughing]

And so the stone, the little chalazion was in the dish

and I said to the doctor, I said, "Doctor,"

and she said, "Wi?"

[audience laughing]

I said, "That chalazion. Could I keep that?"

And she said, "Yeah, monsieur, but of course.

It is your chalazion.

You grew it yourself

like the winemakers of provence grew the grapes

to make the Sauvignon.

[audience laughing]

So this is true.

I got the chalazion, I got it dried out, I got it varnished,

I got it mounted, put into a ring

and I gave it to my wife for her birthday.

[audience laughing]

[laughing] Yeah!

And she said, "Wow, that's unusual. What's that?"

I said, "It's a chalazion."

[audience laughing]

She says, "What's a chalazion?

I said, "It's an Irish pearl."

[audience laughing]

She said, "Is it very expensive?" I went, "Oh, yes,

I'll have to do two shows in Minneapolis

to pay for this fucker." [audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

And here we are.

I'll tell you why I bring it up.

I mean, my wife, we've been married for 15 years

and we were in lockdown together.

Now, we were in Scotland during the lockdown,

which is not like American lockdown.

In America, what did you guys do for lockdown?

You closed a Piggly Wiggly for a day or something?

[audience laughing]

It's like, that's not a lockdown.

Lockdown in Scotland, we were in Scotland.

They locked it down for about two months.

You had to stay in your house.

You went out your house, somebody'll be like,

"Get back in your hoose.

[audience laughing]

Get back in your hoose, ya filthy Covid monkey.

And get some toilet paper in your ass

before you kill us all!"

[audience laughing]

Anyway, the thing was, we were locked together in the house

for two months together.

And normally, you know, I'm out working, I'm doing stuff,

I'm going around.

And we were locked together, a lot more time together

than we were used to spending together.

And I had no idea how much I irritated this woman.

[audience laughing]

Like, wow. I am a dick!

And I started to, just to amuse myself,

in no way judgmentally, I started to observe her

and see how irritated she was getting by me,

using a system based on the flightless bird of New Zealand,

the emu.

Do you know the emu or e-myoo?

The emu is a bird in New Zealand. Very angry bird.

Not like an Angry Bird on your phone.

Not like a ho-ho-ho Angry Bird.

Like a very angry bird.

Like about 100,000 people a year are killed by emus.

[audience laughing]

I believe that to be true.

[audience laughing]

Anyway. [chuckles]

What it is, is if I'm irritating my wife,

what happens is, I can tell I'm irritating her

'cause her hand starts to take the form of an emu.

[audience laughing]

And it comes up and it whispers to her.

[audience laughing]

And then it looks at me.

and she talks to me.

Tells me where I'm going wrong.

And I can take that. It's not that dangerous.

But when another emu comes up,

[audience laughing]

now you get two emus.

And if the emus start talking to each other,

you know you're in trouble

'cause that's when you're gonna get,

"That's not how you get a UTI, you fucking idiot!"

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

Anyway, this is her favorite joke.

[audience laughing]

Now, I didn't write this joke. It's not my joke.

I take no responsibility for this joke.

I mean, she doesn't laugh at things I say. We're married.

[audience laughing]

So... [chuckles]

But she loves this joke,

and even though it's a Scottish joke,

and she's an American.

Well, I'm an American too, but she's from here.

Right here. [audience laughing]

Here, like, two blocks away. [audience laughing]

She's from New England.

Which if you don't know in New England,

it's just like Old England except people have teeth.

[audience laughing]

"Oh, you are from New England. Yes.

I can tell because of your magical white mouth stones."

[audience laughing]

[woman cackling]

[audience laughing]

It's a favorite with Griselda in the balcony.

[audience laughing]

Anyway, look, this is her favorite joke.

Alright, here's the joke. Very simple joke.

Setup, punchline, we're done.

[audience laughing] Here it is.

[audience laughing] You gotta wait for the joke.

Can't just wheeze right away.

[audience laughing]

Here's the joke.

What does a Scotsman wear under his kilt?

On a good day, lipstick.

There, there's the joke.

Ah, I dunno. [audience laughing]

[audience applauding] I don't know. Really?

[audience cheering] Really?

I dunno. I don't love it.

To me that joke's a little heteronormative.

You know what I'm saying?

Although it would depend on what was under the kilt

and then who applied it and what it was applied with, so...

All right, I think I just fixed that joke.

[audience laughing]

What a time to be alive.

Goodnight everybody. Good night, good night, good night.

[audience applauding] [audience cheering]