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Private Van, you'll ride with the driver.

Okay, pal.

You can't cross Fifth Avenue until the parade is finished.

- How long will that be? - Don't ask me, buddy.

Goodbye, babe.

We'll miss you terribly.

Yeah, don't kid the troops.

Goodbye, honey.

Remember? You promised to write.

Sure, sure. Every day.

Hey, goodbye, beautiful.

Goodbye, Harry. What's the new address?

Care of NVA, National Vaudeville Artists. They'll know where I am.

Goodbye. Hey, you've been swell to me.

Oh, you've been wonderful to us, Harry.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Goodbye!

Don't forget, Harry.

One of these days we're gonna see his name up in electric lights,

biggest star on Broadway.

You ought to realize, Harry, this is the wrong season

to be looking for openings in outdoor stuff.

Every carnival attraction is set.

You should've come back sooner.

Yeah, I know. I shouldn't have let the war last so long.

- But you ain't licked. - No, I ain't licked.

No, all your friends, and you got a million of 'em,

they all have the utmost respect for you, Harry.

Sure, sure. Plenty of respect, but no job.

Oh, now don't be like that, Harry.

You'll get a job.

You, with your talent and fine war record.

All we gotta do is slap a little ad in the Billboard, and...

before you know it--

So you went into a speakeasy and told the man you wanted a cocktail, did you?

- And I suppose you drank the cocktail. - Huh?

I merely asked, did you drink the cocktail?

Oh, come now. You can't expect me to believe that you went into a speakeasy

and told the man you wanted a cocktail, and then didn't drink it?

I couldn't.

- Why not? Were you paralyzed? - No!

I didn't drink it because...

- Because why? - Because the Manhattan any.

♪ Place park ♪

♪ Cast two ♪

♪ Act one ♪

♪ My cue ♪

♪ By the light By the light, by the light ♪

♪ Of the silvery moon ♪

♪ The silvery moon ♪

♪ I want to spoon ♪

♪ Want to spoon Want to spoon ♪

♪ To my honey I'll croon love's tune ♪

♪ Honeymoon Honeymoon, honeymoon ♪

♪ Keep a-shining in June ♪

♪ Keep shining bright ♪

♪ Your silvery beams Will bring love's dreams ♪

♪ We'll be cuddling soon ♪

♪ We'll cuddle soon ♪

♪ By the silvery moon! ♪

And there you are, friends.

Now, the miracle remedy.

Old Doctor Maltee's Marvelous Elixir.

Discovered in the desert of Arizona by Warhoo, chief of the Kickapoo Indians.

Right, Chief?

Unfortunately, Chief Warhoo doesn't speak a word of English

or he'd tell you all about it.

But words don't mean a thing, friends.

You'll have to try the medicine to find out the marvelous results.

Cheese it, Harry, the cops.

Well, what do you want?

Madam, I bring you the golden gilt of knowledge,

the new University Encyclopedia. It tells you the facts of life.

I don't want any facts. I got too many of them already.

As I pass among you, I shall ask you to produce some objects,

either from your pockets or wearing apparel.

These will be identified instantly by Madame Zuleika.

Excuse me. Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

Please note that I have no radio broadcasting sets concealed.

This is entirely mental.

All I ask of you is that you concentrate.

Just anyone, any object.

Oh, Thank you. Thank you, Madame.

Speak. Hurry up! What is it?

Concentrate!

Say something. Hurry up! What am I holding?

Concentrate!

It's, uh...

medicine.

What kind? Concentrate!

Headache powders.

Very good, Zuleika! Thank you, Madame.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say,

the charges have been made that all these articles which I obtained,

and which are identified instantly by the telepathic genius of Madame Zuleika,

have been handed to me by confederates of mine

previously planted in the audience.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I want once and for all to disprove these ridiculous charges before you,

the good citizens of this fair city of Omaha.

We have the good fortune to have with us tonight,

sitting right up here,

the honorable Thomas MacCreevy, and his very charming wife, Mrs. MacCreevy.

I shall ask them to furnish me with an object.

I'm sure that you all know that the honorable Thomas MacCreevy

and his very lovely wife are no confederates of mine.

We don't know no such thing!

I shall treat that remark with the contempt it so richly deserves.

Now, Mr. MacCreevy, if you will be so kind.

Or perhaps, Mrs. MacCreevy will oblige.

Oh, thank you. Thank you very kindly.

Now, we can get it.

Concentrate.

Uh, concentrate! Concentrate!

Do you see that water she's drinking?

It's gin.

Now you can't keep Mrs. MacCreevy waiting.

Concentrate!

There's...

a disturbance here.

Telepathic waves are all...

all confused.

- She's drunk! - Sure.

We... We must dispel this confusion.

The waves must get through.

Uh, everybody concentrate!

Now, can't you concentrate?

"Now, can't you concentrate?" "Now, can't you concentrate?"

Concentrate.

It's a vanity case!

- It's what? - A vanity case!

It's a vanity case.

- Tell 'em to bring down that curtain. - Yes, sir.

Your kind attention for just one moment!

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, one and all, please remember that the greatest scientists

sometimes slip up with their experiments.

So, with your kind indulgence, we will continue with our performance

and attempt to demonstrate--

So, the whole audience could hear? The whole dumb audience?

- Quiet! - Some dame. Where is she?

I'll break her neck! Was it you?

- Me? - Yes, you! You cheap little acrobat!

You were standing in the wings when we went on!

Why, I was talking to this gentleman, wasn't I?

- Sure. - I wasn't even watching your stupid act, was I?

- No. - I'll find out who it was!

And when I do, I'll beat the living tar out of her!

Shut up! Shut up, Madame!

What I wanna know is who rung that curtain down?

- Yes! - I did! What about it?

Nothing. I just wanted to know.

Well, now you do know. Come on, next act! Flash the orchestra!

- Ready, Fellara? - Just a minute.

They're deliberately trying to ruin...

Excuse me, Mr. Van.

The whole cheesy bunch is out to get us!

Clear the stage!

- Come on, Madame, let's get out of here. - - You ready, Fellara?

- Take it away. - All right, all right!

Who do you suppose hollered at Zuleika from the wings?

I don't know. Probably the ghost of PT Barnum

trying to help out a pal.

What's gonna happen to you now, Harry?

Well, she'll have a fine hangover tomorrow.

Then, she'll take the pledge and swear she'll never take another drink, so help her.

And then, next week in Little Rock, she'll feel another cold coming on,

and it'll be the same thing all over again.

Then, one day, you'll look at Billboard and see

"Harry Van At Liberty" again.

Yeah, that's show business.

Oh, yes, yes. The gay, carefree world of entertainment.

Come on, old lady.

- Good night, Harry. - Good night, Jim. Good night, Moppo.

Be a good girl.

Well, what can I do for you?

If it's an autograph, I'm sorry, I never learned to read or write.

No, I'm not collecting autographs, Mr. Van.

I have something rather important to tell you.

What is it, babe?

Do you mind if I sit down?

Well, as a matter of fact, I do. But anyway, have a seat.

And if you see a bottle of champagne standing around, open her up.

Now, what's on your mind?

I want to confess.

You'll find the church right around the corner.

I was the one that prompted Madame Zuleika.

- You? - Yes, I couldn't help it, Mr.--

Say, who are you, anyway?

I'm one of the Fellara troupe.

- Yes, I know you're an acrobat, but what-- - Oh, you noticed me.

Well, we've been on the same bill a week, haven't we?

Yes, but you never seem to pay any attention to anyone.

Say, why did you holler out like that tonight and ruin the act?

Anybody can see that she was in an alcoholic fog,

so thick that your signals couldn't get through it.

I knew what you were trying to say.

Well, how did you know that?

I've been watching your act, Mr. Van.

I couldn't help picking up some of the code.

I mean, your tone of voice when you say "Concentrate."

There are subtle changes that mean different things.

Where did you learn words like "subtle"?

Oh, I haven't always been an acrobat, Mr. Van.

I attended the University in Vienna.

I've worked with Freud, Jung, all the great teachers.

From the University in Vienna to the Eldorado in Omaha.

- Some jump. - Yes.

That's been my whole life.

Today, the mountain tops. Tomorrow, the Dead Sea.

Yeah, I guess you're right, sister.

But you haven't yet explained why you tried to feed Madame Zuleika.

I had to, Mr. Van, because...

Because I have a great admiration for you.

Oh! You like my electrical personality, huh?

No, nothing as obvious as that.

I think you have a very remarkable brain.

So, you've noticed that, too, hmm?

I also have a very remarkable brain.

Yeah, and a very remarkable way of talking for a girl

who makes her living swinging by her teeth.

Well, I was born for excitement, adventure, danger.

I've had all of them.

I'll have a lot more before I come to a violent death.

So, you even got that arranged.

Well...

So, what are your plans for supper?

Oh, Mr. Van!

Are you inviting me?

Well, don't look at me like that. I'm only offering to buy you a cup of coffee

because I appreciate your kind motives in busting up our act tonight.

Oh, that's very sweet of you, Mr. Van.

I'll get dressed right away.

I'll be proud to be seen in a restaurant with you.

Wait till you see the restaurant.

Here it is.

Daka's Place-Eats.

Oh, what beautiful simplicity in those words.

- They tell the whole story. - Yeah.

Evening, Daka.

How you are, Mr. Van?

How you are, lady?

Special tonight, corned beef hash.

Corned beef hash is always special.

Give me a cup of coffee and some doughnuts.

- What'll you have, babe? - Oyster stew.

Are the oysters strictly fresh?

Oh, sure. We fly 'em in every day from Baltimore in airplane.

- Oyster stew. - Oyster stew!

And I'll have corned beef hash with two poached eggs,

whole-wheat toast buttered, and grade A milk.

- Okay. - Aren't you gonna have some dessert?

Oh, yes. I'll order that later.

I guess you have to eat a lot to keep your teeth in training for that iron jaw act, huh?

Yes!

In old Russia, we used to serve an entire roast ox before lunch

just as an hors d'oeuvre.

You've certainly lived on a big scale, babe.

My name isn't Babe.

It's Irene.

Don't worry about that. I call everybody "babe."

Perhaps that's why I don't like it.

I'm not everybody.

Oh, I beg your pardon.

I should have realized you're pretty exclusive.

I am.

But I didn't mean to hurt your feelings, Mr. Van.

That's all right. I'm not seriously injured.

You see, I was really born to live in a palace.

So, it isn't always easy for me to adjust myself to Daka's Place-Eats.

Well, here's your food.

Perhaps that'll help the adjustment.

85 cents.

She hasn't finished ordering yet.

Careful how you handle those knees.

- Ouch! - Yeah. Yeah, you gotta do it like this.

That's a technique you learn after you get the Ritz out of your mind.

Oh, I haven't got a table napkin.

I'll get it.

Ain't one napkin enough?

Not for a repast like this.

Thank you very much, Mr. Van.

Hey, listen, Irene, you can discard the Mr. Van.

- My name's Harry. - But I don't like Harry.

What's the matter with it?

It sounds cheap. Isn't your name Henry?

No. And it isn't Harold either.

Very well, Harry.

Whatever I call you, I think you're sweet.

Eat your stew.

Where did you get your education, Harry?

What makes you think I got one?

Oh, I know you have. You're like me.

You're a student of life.

Well, I worked my way through college selling encyclopedias.

I knew you had culture. What college was it?

Oh, no college in particular.

But, you know, my line of selling talk was so good, I fell for it myself.

I bought the whole dull bunch of encyclopedias

and read 'em from cover to cover.

Here, try the hash.

Oh, there isn't any ketchup.

No. So there isn't.

Excuse me, babe.

You're so very kind.

Yeah, I think you're right.

You know what makes my blood boil?

I mean, it makes me so furious to think that you're only a...

- What is the word for it? - Word for what?

A stooge. That's it.

A stooge for that drunken old hag.

Hey, choose your words more carefully, babe.

I tell you, my name is Irene.

Well, whatever it is, no cracks out of you about Zuleika.

She's a very wonderful, wonderful woman. A genius!

And besides that, I'm not a stooge.

I'm the one who does the real brain work in the act.

You know, Harry, I can learn that code easily.

- You think so? - I know I could.

Oh, I don't know. It's a very deep, complicated scientific problem.

Oh, we'd be perfect together, you and me.

I can see the electric sign shining over Piccadilly Circus in London.

It reads "Irene."

Irene the Great!

Assisted by Harry Van.

Hmm, you got nice billing there.

Oh, you'd love London.

I was there as a little girl after I escaped from the Soviets.

Oh, that was a terrible experience.

I must tell you about it, Mr. Van.

Yes. All right, all right. But you've got four shows tomorrow,

and seeing as how you're still an acrobat, you better get some sleep.

Listen.

Do you know that song?

It's Kak Stranno.

It's Russian.

Oh, it's so lovely.

It takes me back so far to the Winter Palace in Petersburg.

♪ Kak Stranno ♪

That means "How strange."

It tells such a sad, beautiful story about two people who meet

and fall in love for one exquisite moment.

And then, they part.

Like ships that pass in the night.

♪ Kak Stranno ♪

How strange.

When will you teach me the code, Harry?

Oh, we'll get together soon. Run over the fundamentals.

- Hi, Frank. - Good evening, Mr. Van.

- Good evening, Ms. Irene. - Hello.

Hello, Harry.

Hi, Ed. Hi, Bert.

Well, good night, babe.

Oh...

- Do we have to say good night? - Yes, we do.

I'm going to join the boys for a little political discussion.

All right, Harry.

- Good night. - Good night.

And thanks for giving me such a good time.

Oh, thank you, Irene.

I always enjoy seeing a woman eating.

Don't forget now, brush your teeth carefully.

Tuck yourself in.

And have sweet dreams of old Russia.

How'd the show go tonight?

Oh, just as usual. A sensation.

You can always wow 'em, Harry.

Yes, we got a very warm reception tonight.

In fact, I'm still burning.

Go for a little drink? Bert here's got some pre-War rye.

Yeah. Pre-the-next-war.

But it's all right, though. I know the guy who made it.

No. No, thanks, Bert. I'm going to bed.

- I gotta think about my art. - Oh, yeah, yeah.

We know all about your art.

- Good night. - Good night.

Thank you very much, sir.

It will be returned immediately.

Now, what is it? What am I holding, Madame?

- A key. - What kind of a key?

A key to a room.

- A man's room. - Very good, Madame.

What else can you tell me about it?

Come. Come, Madame. Concentrate.

There are numbers on it.

- Magic, mystic numbers. - Yes, yes.

I read in the Book of Fate, two-seven-four.

Very good, Madame! Very good.

Thank you very much, sir.

Say, who gave you permission to wrap my best sock around your head?

When it comes to that, how did you get in here at all?

All the keys in this hotel fit all of the doors.

Oh, so you've been experimenting, huh?

Well, what do you want now?

- Please teach me the code, Harry. - No!

I tell you, I could learn it.

I know I could! I know part of it already.

When you were talking about Mr. MacCreevy's wife in the audience,

and you said, "Now,"

that means the number is one.

"Can't" means two.

So that when you said, "Now, can't you concentrate,"

that was one-two, which is 12, and 12 is a vanity case.

And "Concentrate"--

Say, where did you find out all these things?

Well, I...

I just figured out by psychology.

Say, you're lying through those pretty teeth. You've been snooping!

- Well, I-- - Where'd you get that code?

I suppose I might as well tell you.

Well, you'd better.

Oh, so you stole it, huh?

Say, don't you realize the American Society of Magicians

could put thieves like you in jail?

Why, Harry, I only went into the dressing room to see Mr. Barzek,

and I made friends with little Moppo,

and the code was lying there, so I just...

Well, I just borrowed it.

Oh, please forgive me, Harry.

Can't you understand that I...

I just want to improve myself.

I want to be someone.

And if I could only work with you, be your partner, then I--

Sure. You'd have your name up in lights in London.

"Assisted by Harry Van."

You're a funny kid at that.

I gotta admit it.

And maybe you're right.

Maybe you do deserve something better than just being an acrobat.

But unfortunately, I haven't the time to teach you the whole code.

However, I'll tell you what I'll do.

What, Harry?

I'll read you something out of the encyclopedia.

"This is the article about the subject of truth.

"Truth is the ideal of perfection

for which all artists, scientists, and philosophers have striven.

The poet Keats wrote,

'Beauty is truth. Truth, beauty.

That's all you know on Earth, and all you need to know.'

However, various philosophers, notably the early Greeks, have argued that..."

Watch yourself, miss.

Say, how much is this piece of junk?

75 cents.

75? Six bits?

That's right.

Say, if that thing's worth more than a nickel, you're crazy.

I'm sorry, brother, I didn't write the prices.

I'm only here to repeat 'em.

Okay, pal. I'll take the phoney thing.

Which proves I'm crazy, too.

You're right again.

Don't mention it.

Now, babe, it seems as though we have to say goodbye.

You're going north of Sioux Falls,

and I'm heading south on the Interstate Time.

The trains pull out in a few minutes.

Do you think we'll ever see each other again, Harry?

Maybe we will, and maybe we won't.

You can't predict anything in show business.

Or in any other kind of a life, I suppose.

No, I guess not.

But I'll be thinking about you, babe.

Oh, I'm sure you will.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I'd like to know that you're thinking about me a little bit, too.

Well, I guess it's a mistake in show business to...

to remember anything except the part you have to play.

Yup.

Well, even so,

I got you something.

What is it?

I don't know what it is. You hang neckties on it, I guess.

It's a souvenir. See, it says so.

"Souvenir of Omaha."

- Did you buy it for me, Harry? - Yeah, certainly I did.

And what's more, it cost 75 cents.

You know, that's the most expensive present I ever bought for any dame.

What made you want to buy a present for me, Harry?

Oh, I don't know.

It's against my principles.

But you know, Irene,

I've met a lot of dames in my time,

and most of 'em are so dumb you have to talk to 'em in sign language.

You're the only one I ever met that I couldn't answer.

Perhaps that's because I'm the only one

who recognizes you for the great man that you are.

Hmm, great man, huh? Great bust!

Tried everything and failed at everything.

But you don't see it that way, babe, because

the world you live in isn't the world of facts and figures.

It's the world of dreams.

Maybe that's what I like about you, Irene.

You're so beautifully phoney.

And maybe you're wrong, my darling.

Maybe we two cheap people with our cheap lives...

Maybe we're the only ones in this crazy world who are real.

12:34 train

for Sioux City!

Sioux Falls!

Well, we gotta be pulling out now, babe.

We gotta be pulling out now,

I know, but not together.

No, not together. You go your way and I go mine.

But I got a hunch we'll see each other again, sometime.

Yes, yes.

- Goodbye, Harry. - Goodbye, Irene.

And thanks for the souvenir.

All aboard! All aboard!

Hello, Harry, dear.

Hello, Madame.

What?

Goodbye!

Goodbye, Irene!

What are they talking about, Harry?

How should I know?

But you're always saying you know the language.

The last time I said that was when we were in Romania.

That was six countries ago!

When are we gonna get to a decent place to sleep?

When we get to Geneva.

Excuse me, Countess.

Well, what's the trouble now?

Another frontier, I guess.

You know, that's my analysis of what's the trouble with Europe.

Too many frontiers. They keep waking you up.

Skip it.

What did he say? Harry?

I'll ask him. So what's the good word, pal?

I guess we're supposed to get out here.

Come on, grab your baggage, girls.

Is this Geneva?

Does it look like Geneva?

I don't know.

Oh, Harry I'm so cold.

All right, all right!

I'm freezing to death!

- I am so glad to know you, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry. - How do you do?

It was awfully kind of you to come down and meet us.

It was a pleasure, I assure you.

And I think I can promise that your stay at the Monta Loda Hotel

will be a thoroughly enjoyable one.

Civilized people, at last! Come on, girls, follow me.

The hotel porter is attending to your luggage.

- If you'll just step into the bus-- - Hey, listen, pal.

- Yes? - You're an American, aren't you?

- I am. Don Navadel's the name. - Harry Van's mine.

- Well, Mr. Van, I sure am glad to know you. - Glad to see you.

- Anything I can do for you? - Yeah, we'd like to know what's the idea?

The idea? Of what?

Kicking us off the train, pushing us around.

Say, are you all here, girls?

Wait a minute. One, two, three, four, five...

six. Yes, Harry, we're all here.

We're entertainers. Night clubs. We're trying to get to Geneva, Switzerland.

Well, there's rather serious trouble just now here at this frontier.

Say, perhaps you and the young ladies

would like to come up to our hotel for a little while

until this situation has been cleared up?

Yeah, Harry, let's go to the hotel!

- Come on. - We'd like to sleep in a bed for a change!

Oh, no, no, no. We're not stopping at any hotel. We gotta get to Geneva!

Hey, look, Harry!

Look what they're doing to our trunks!

Excuse me. Wait here, girls.

Hey! Hey! Could you please be a little more careful with those trunks?

They contain the wardrobe of my act!

Yeah, I'll take vanilla.

Hey, listen, buddy, will you please tell me

what I'm supposed to do with these trunks?

- Excuse me, my friend. - Another white man in this jungle?

How do you do? My name's Harry Van.

My name is Quillery.

I got six girls with me. I'm in terrible trouble.

The whole world is in terrible trouble, Mr. Van.

Yeah. Well, what are we all gonna do about it?

Who can tell? But I just talked with one of the officials here.

He can speak a little French.

And he said that there are orders

that no one is permitted across the frontiers.

But I must get back to my country.

I must get back to Italy!

I'm a German. They have no right to deny me!

I shall make a protest to our embassy!

Say, there's an American here. I think he's connected with the local hotel.

Let's go see him. Maybe he can tell us something.

Oh, Harry, Mr. Navadel's been telling us all about the hotel.

They have winter sports here!

- Yeah, they have that skiing business. - Skiing.

Never mind the winter sports!

But can't we go up there, Harry?

We're sick of the slats in those smelly day coaches.

Shut up! These three gentlemen and I wanna know

where can find the head man around here.

Now, there must be somebody who can tell us when we do get across that border.

The commander of the frontier Post is Captain Kirvline.

- He's stopping at the hotel. - Oh, let's go up and see him, Harry.

- Yeah, Harry. Let's go up and get a drink. - All right.

- What about the bagging? - Our porter will attend to that.

Hey, portisto!

Here we are, folks.

Dumptsy, Otto, Chris, quick!

Take the luggage.

Say, this place is the berries.

Oh, we can have a swell time here.

After the way we've been betrayed in the Balkans,

we can't afford to have a swell time any place.

This is our cocktail lounge.

Rather a magnificent view, isn't it?

Mmm, it's sweet.

What's that big bare patch down there?

It's an airport. We have a great deal of flying around here.

- Oh, that's swell! I love aviators! - You do?

You know, this place looks to me like it's laying an egg.

- Laying a what? - I mean, you aren't doing much business.

I don't see many customers around.

- This is between seasons. - Oh. You run this hotel?

I'm the social manager.

Hmm, a professional greeter, huh?

So, how'd you happen to get here?

I've been a specialist in resort hotel business

all the way from Santa Barbara to Saint Moritz.

Perhaps the gentlemen and ladies would care to register now?

No, I'm not registering until I find out what's going on.

Come on, Harry, let's settle down.

We can go to Geneva some other time.

Relax, girls. I'll attend to the bookings.

And you do not want rooms?

No, pal, I just came up for the view.

Evidently, Mr. Van, you're not fully aware

of the present international situation.

Well, I'm aware that the international situation is always regrettable.

- What's wrong now? - - Haven't you been reading the papers?

In Bulgaria and Yugoslavia? No.

- We're on the verge of a war. - What? Another one?

- When's that scheduled to begin? - - Any minute now.

And that's why they've closed every frontier in Europe.

Mr. Van, I advise you to be careful how you talk.

Why? I'm an American citizen, I can say what I please.

Oh, there's Captain Kirvline now.

I tell you, I must go across that frontier. I cannot delay!

I'm only obeying my orders, Dr. Waldersee.

I can't permit anyone to cross until--

But I must go into neutral territory to continue my experiments!

I'm a scientist, a servant of the whole stupid human race.

I'm working on a cure for cancer,

the disease of civilization.

If I delay, my experiments are ruined!

Dr. Waldersee, I am deeply sorry, but I have no choice.

Hey, pal!

Captain Kirvline.

- Yes, Don? - This is a fellow countryman of mine, Mr. Harry Van.

Will you please tell him that the train for Switzerland will not leave tonight?

Yes, Mr. Van, that's the unhappy fact.

Oh, but listen, Captain, I've got my passports. All seven of 'em! Look.

Oh, you're traveling with a large family.

Well, it isn't exactly a family.

There they are in there. They're blondes.

Lovely girls they are, too, Captain.

And very intelligent.

- In fact, the mothers of tomorrow. - Hmm?

Oh, uh, well...

That's the first good thing that's happened around here in years.

Hey, girls, come here. I want you to meet the head man.

Captain Kirvline, this is Ms. Shirley Laughlin,

owner of the rottenest voice on two continents.

- Charming. - Hiya, Captain.

And Ms. Beulah Tremoyne.

Mmm, how do you do?

Beulah's our bubble dancer, and quite a dreamer.

Exquisite.

And next, Ms. Francine Merle, a daughter of the old South.

- Very alluring, eh, Captain? - Magnificent.

- Thank you ever so much. I-- - Uh, turn it off, honey.

And next, Ms. Edna Creesh.

She's as good as gold, and twice as tough.

Hiya, toots.

And next, Ms. Elaine Messiger.

I've heard she's a debutante, but she won't talk.

And next, Ms. Bebe Gould, a very, very lovely little number.

- Oh, Harry. - Yeah. Bebe's our hula artist.

Come on, kid. Shake it for the captain.

Hold it, hold it. Not at these prices.

That's very beautiful...

Well, Mr. Van, I congratulate you.

Oh, it's purely a business with me, Captain.

You see, we're an act. Harry Van and Les Blondes, it's called.

- Oh, he's cute. - Hmm, I'll say.

Now, we've got some very attractive bookings at a night spot in Geneva.

But we've got to be there by Thursday, or else we lose the time.

Mr. Van, under the circumstances,

it's a pleasure for me to tell you that I cannot let you pass.

But perhaps, in the meantime, you would permit me to buy the young ladies a drink.

Well, all right, but only one apiece.

Oh, thanks, Captain! We'd love it.

Do you have any more soldiers around here, Captain?

Thousands of 'em.

Well, I guess I might as well register.

I'll need three double rooms, two girls to a room.

And a single for me, adjoining.

I promised their mothers I'd always be within earshot.

What's that?

What is it?

Hey, hey! What's all the excitement? Is it a fire?

That's the warning from the airfield down there.

They're testing the combat planes in case of war.

They look pretty tough, don't they?

Yes. They have the wings of death.

Maniacs. Obscene maniacs.

All right, all right.

Finish your drinks and come on upstairs.

I'm gonna give you all a bath.

Now, listen to me, you dames. You may as well know right now, the act is bankrupt.

I got barely enough to get us to Geneva.

So, don't run up any bills around this dump.

Say, Harry, there's a hairdresser here.

- Can't I get a finger wave? - No!

Can we go skiing?

And risk breaking those pretty legs?

- Mmm, but it's healthy. - Yeah, but you're not sick.

Those gams of yours are my bread and butter.

Now, remember, we get breakfast free here with our room rent,

so eat plenty of that, but lay off on the other meals.

I'm going down to see if there's any more news.

And get off my bed!

Harry, see if there's a movie in town.

Harry, don't queer it for me with the captain.

Look, Mr. Van, they're bringing out the big planes.

They're full of bombs to drop on people.

They can fly from here to Rome, Berlin, or Paris,

even all the way to London.

I like the looks of the mountains better.

You belong here in this country?

Well, yes, sir.

That is to say, I didn't used to.

That's my country over there.

You see, after the last war, they decided those mountains

must be taken away from my country.

And I went with them.

In one day, I became a foreigner.

Even my old father, he's dead.

But all the writing on the gravestones,

they rubbed it out and translated it.

So, now, he's a foreigner, too.

Excuse me, Mr. Van. That fine car coming up the road

must be rich people.

I'll be needed at the door. Excuse me, please.

Good afternoon.

We have your reservation.

Oh, thank you. Pardon me.

You're to be with us for a long stay, Madame?

Oh, no. I'm afraid Mr. Weber must go on at once.

But I should love to stay here in these mountains.

They are so quiet, so cold and impersonal.

We have a marvelous view from here.

This is our cocktail lounge.

Oh, how very nice.

Vienne, Achille! You must come and see this charming room!

In a moment, my dear.

And from our terrace, on a clear day, you can see for 50 miles.

It really is a view of unparalleled beauty.

Oh, magnificent!

All covered with the beautiful white snow.

I think the whole world should always be covered with snow.

It would be so much more clean, wouldn't it?

Like in my Russia.

White Russia.

You should see the snow from the terrace, Madame.

Oh, and how exciting!

A flying field.

Look, all those big bombers.

There are so many of them.

Isn't it miraculous?

Madame is interested in aviation?

Oh, no. Just ordinary flying bores me.

But there is no experience in life quite so thrilling

as a parachute jump, is there?

I never had that thrill, I'm ashamed to say.

Once, I had to jump when I was flying over the jungle in Indochina.

It was indescribable.

Drifting down,

sinking into that great green sea of enchantment and hidden danger.

And you weren't afraid?

No, no. In moments like that, one is given the sense of eternity.

Yes, sir?

Oh...

Get me a Scotch, and put ice in it.

If you haven't got any ice...

Go out and scoop up some of that beautiful white snow.

Uh, yes, sir.

But your place is really charming.

I must tell everyone in Paris about it.

We are rather proud of it.

There is something about this design.

It suggests, uh,

an amusing kind of horror.

It is like somebody's tomb, isn't it?

- What's that? - Oh, it's merely some kind of warning.

- They're testing it. - Warning? Warning against what?

I believe it's for use in case of war.

War? But there will be no war.

Achille!

Yes, Irene?

Achille, there will be no war, will there?

No, there will be no war.

They're all much too well prepared.

Ah, there, you see? They will not fight.

Mr. Weber says so, and he knows.

You wish to see your suite now, Mr. Weber?

- Yes, if you please. - This way, please.

Achille, I'm mad about this place.

We must be sure to tell everyone about this place, Achille.

We must make it fashionable, at once.

Say, who is that?

That's Achille Weber, one of the biggest men in Europe.

I used to see him often at Saint Moritz.

No, no, no, no. Who's the dame?

Well, I assume she's his wife.

Oh, you only assume it, huh?

Are you implying that she's not?

No, I'm not implying anything.

I'm just being kind of bewildered.

Evidently.

"White Russia."

"Parachute jumper."

- Put it down there. - Very good, sir.

Thanks, pal.

Hold on. Mineral water.

Jawohl, Herr Doktor.

It's an old museum piece, period of Louis XV.

You gotta hoard your gum over here.

What is that you're playing?

It's an old Russian song entitled Kak Stranno,

meaning "How strange."

One of those morose ballads about how once we met for one immortal moment,

like ships that pass in the night.

Or maybe like a couple of trucks sideswiping each other.

And now, I got a hunch we meet again.

How strange.

I'm afraid I was rude to you before.

Oh, that's all right, pal.

I've been rude to lots of people and never regretted it.

There's no reason why you should worry about a punk like me.

You've got important work to do for the benefit of humanity.

You, too, work for humanity, Mr. Van.

- Me? - Yes, you're a musician.

Yeah, that's a nice name for it.

You know, I used to play piano in picture theatres,

but that was the only sound they had,

except for peanuts.

Uh, listen to this.

The Waters of the Minnetonka.

Suitable for scenics, Niagara Falls by moonlight.

Or if you play it like this...

Goes fine with a scene where the young Indian chief turns out to be a Yale man.

You know, I've turned my hand to about everything,

including your line of business.

- My business? - Yeah!

Dr. Multee's Elixir, the miracle remedy!

A remedy for what, may I ask?

Oh, it was a cure for almost everything.

All my life, I've been selling phoney goods

to people of meager intelligence and great faith.

Hey, Harry, have those officers come up here yet?

Not yet.

Don't be discouraged!

Sit down! I'm feeling in a generous mood.

- I'm gonna buy you all a drink. - What?

I hardly think you need bother about jewelry in this place.

Only my bracelets, Achille.

Because you like them.

Oh, but, my dear,

there's certainly nobody else in this dismal hotel who can appreciate your charms.

We'll have dinner in there.

Did you get your telephone call?

Yes, I spoke to Felvero.

He was very apologetic over this delay.

But everything is arranged for us to proceed tomorrow.

Oh.

I think I shall go downstairs and have a glass of vodka.

But why, my dear? We can have it sent up here.

No, Achille. I would prefer to have it down there.

With all those dreadful people gaping at you?

I don't mind. I love people.

I shall come right back.

I'll go with you. It may be amusing.

Good afternoon, Madame. Good afternoon, Mr. Weber.

Good afternoon, Mr. Navadel.

It is a lovely view!

It is like a landscape on the moon.

Dumptsy!

Get a load of that.

Isn't she gorgeous?

I bet she's a duchess.

Well, anyway a princess.

Hey, Harry, what are you looking at?

She looks to me like a phoney.

Hiya, Cap!

Good afternoon, ladies.

Where's all your boyfriends, Cap?

Oh, excuse me a moment, please.

Mr. Weber. Madame.

Captain Kirvline, commandant of the frontier station.

- How do you do? - Captain?

I've just received instructions that you're here, Mr. Weber.

I am to be of assistance to you in every possible way.

Thank you very much. Won't you join us?

Thank you, sir.

- What would you like? - Brandy and soda, please.

Irene?

- Vodka, if you please. - Vermouth for me.

If you please, sir.

Where are they going, Achille?

Probably moving to another airbase farther from the frontier.

Isn't that so, Captain?

Hmm? Uh, yes, I imagine so.

Say, are they gonna keep that up forever?

You're gonna have to get us some earmuffs, Harry.

Hello, Mr. Quillery. Sit down and have one. I'm buying.

Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow, we starve...

Except for breakfast.

I just heard some very ugly rumors down in the town.

They say that war has already been declared.

Rumors. Rumors. Everything's rumors! When are we going to know?

Soon enough, heaven help us.

But we'll stop this war.

We'll save the human race from plunging into mass murder, mass suicide.

Say, what's your line of business, Mr. Quillery?

I'm a preacher, Mr. Van.

You don't say so. A preacher, huh?

But not in the church.

I used to be a worker in an industry that made poison gas.

Gave me ideas.

Since then, I've gone about the world preaching the message of peace.

The brotherhood of man.

Well, I think you've got a great idea there, pal. Stick to it.

Attention!

Did you hear what they were saying?

Yeah, I heard, but I couldn't understand.

About the war!

I believe they're saying it's already been declared.

I must go on demand that they let me across the border at once.

That's right, pal.

You're gonna save the world. You've got no time to lose.

Say, Harry, what's it all about?

I'll tell you later.

- Hey, Don. - Yes?

Step up the music, will you? Some of us young people wanna dance.

Sure. Come on, boys. Give us a tune with a lot of oomph.

Come on, babe.

Nothing from Berlin except Wagner.

Try Paris. Perhaps we can get some news from there.

There, that's one Paris station.

Silent.

I'll try another.

Silent.

Try ten-sixteen, Captain Kirvline.

- That's also Paris. - Thank you.

Probably code messages from the Ministry of War to the army.

If we could only read them.

Seems to me, everybody'd be much happier in Europe

if they only knew how to make decent coffee.

There, that's a station in Prague.

Do you understand any of that, Achille?

No, not a word.

Neither do I.

Then I suggest you try London.

And now, to conclude our news program,

we shall give you the results of the day's more important football matches.

Sheffield United two, Birmingham one.

England is England, still.

I'll try and get through. Will the wires be open, Captain?

Yes, I'll try to arrange it, Mr. Weber.

Irene.

- I'll be up presently, Achille. - Madame.

You look unhappy, Mr. and Mrs. Cherry.

I'm afraid so, but it's difficult to be cheerful

under these circumstances, isn't it?

Oh, you must forget the circumstances.

Come here and drink some vodka with me.

We'd love to.

I've never tasted vodka before.

Oh! Then it is high time!

And your friend.

I do not know his name.

Oh, Mr. Van.

May I present Madame... Madame...

How do you do?

Glad to make your acquaintance, Madame.

You will join us in a glass of vodka?

Thank you.

- Three glasses. Auguste! - Yes, Madame.

Please sit down, Mr. Van.

I know why you're depressed, Mrs. Cherry.

It is the altitude.

After the first exhilaration,

there comes a depressive reaction.

Especially for you,

who are accustomed to the heavy, Pigwiggian atmosphere of England.

Pigwiggian?

Yes, Pigwig.

Oliver Twist.

You know, your Dickens.

You know England, Madame?

Of course, I know England.

My governess was a sweet old ogre from your North country.

And when I was a little girl,

I used to visit often at Sandringham.

Sandringham?

Yes.

Oh, but that was before your time.

It was in the reign of dear gay King Edward

and the beautiful Alexandra.

I used to have such fun playing with my cousin David.

He used to try to teach me to play cricket.

And when I couldn't swing the bat properly, he said,

"Oh, you Russians will never be civilized!"

And when I went home to Petersburg,

I told to my uncle what David had said,

and he was so amused.

But now, we must drink our vodka.

With your permission.

I drink to his most gracious majesty, the King.

And the president of your United States.

- Thanks. I'm sure he'll appreciate that. - Now...

No, no!

You must drink it right down. Like this.

So, there, you see?

The second glass will go more easily.

I hope so.

You are not married for a long time?

We were married the day before yesterday.

No! Oh, how thrilling!

Let me offer my congratulations.

Thank you very much.

We were married in Florence. You see, I've been studying painting there,

and we both love Italy.

How wonderful.

Florence is the most perfect place to be married in.

Don't you think so, Mr. Van?

Well, I guess any place is perfect for that purpose.

Oh, no! Not your America.

Too dull. Too much business.

Not enough romance.

You've, uh, been in America?

Oh, yes. I have seen it all.

New York, Washington, Palm Beach.

No, no! I, uh,

said America.

Have you ever been in the West?

Certainly, I have.

I flew across your continent!

Did you ever make any parachute landings in any places like, uh...

Kansas or Iowa?

Or Nebraska?

No.

On that flight,

I had no parachute.

You like the vodka now?

Oh, it feels marvelous, in here.

Ah-ha!

I used to laugh so at your funny British Tommies in Arkhangelsk.

They all hated vodka,

until one of them thought of mixing it with beer.

- How awful! - Oh, it was!

But I shall be forever grateful to them, those Tommies.

They saved my life when I escaped from the Soviets.

For days and nights, I don't know how many,

I was driving through the snow,

snow, snow, snow, snow,

in a little sleigh, with the dead body of my father beside me.

I was in agony from the bayonet wounds of the Bolsheviki.

And the wolves were running along like an escort of dragoons.

You must have been dreadfully afraid.

Oh, no. I was not afraid for myself.

It was the thought of my father.

Oh, please.

I know you don't want to talk about it anymore.

Oh, no, it is so far away now.

But I shall never forget the moment when I came through the haze of delirium

and saw the faces of those Tommies.

Those simple, friendly faces.

And the snow, and the wolves, and the terrible cold,

they were all gone!

And I was looking at Kew Gardens.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and a sea of gold and daffodils

fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

In the face of real danger,

one forgets to be afraid.

Don't you think so, Mr. Van?

I don't know.

I was scared stiff once.

It was when I was working with a mind-reading act.

Really?

You mean, you read people's minds?

Sure.

I could see right through 'em.

Oh, how embarrassing!

I was playing a week in Omaha.

Have you ever been in Omaha, Madame?

Omaha?

Omaha?

Where is that? Persia?

- It's in Nebraska. That's one of our states. - Oh.

If you please, Madame, Mr. Weber would like to see you, if convenient.

Thank you, Dumptsy.

You must tell me later about that mind-reading, Mr. Van.

Whenever you're free.

And do finish the vodka. All of it!

- Oh, thank you very much, Madame. - It will help you both so much.

She's an amazing woman, isn't she?

"Amazing" is a feeble word for it.

Well, did you get 'em to call off the war?

I only learned that, when the borders are open, we will be notified.

Is there any news?

Not in this patriotic journal.

Unconfirmed reports from Vienna, London, Rome, Berlin, Moscow, Tokyo.

And a lot of confirmed lies from the local censored press.

If you want to know what is really happening,

you must ask the great Mr. Achille Weber upstairs there.

He can give you all the war news, because he made it.

You don't know who the great Mr. Achille Weber is, do you?

Well, I'll tell you.

He's been organizing the arms industry.

Munitions for murder.

In every part of the world, the good desires of men for peace and decency

is undermined by the dynamite of jingoism.

So it takes only a spark, set off anywhere,

to send it up into one fatal explosion.

Then, love becomes hatred,

courage becomes terror,

and hope becomes despair.

And that's very nice for Mr. Achille Weber,

because he is master of the one real League of Nations,

- the League of the Merchants of Death! - Nonsense.

- Who speaks? - I speak!

The eminent Dr. Hugo Waldersee.

And if you love your country so much, why aren't you there now with your rats?

I am not concerned with politics. I'm a scientist.

- Mineral water. - That's right, Herr Doctor. You are a scientist.

And a servant of the people.

And yet, you know that if you were in your own country,

you would have to abandon your cure for cancer.

It might benefit too many people.

Your duty would be not to cure, but to kill.

You, a fighter against disease and death

would be a Judas goat in a slaughterhouse.

I say, Quillery, do we have to have so much talk about blood

- just before dinner? - Just before dinner?

That's all you worry about!

What do you care that civilization is falling to pieces

as long as you have your dinner and your dinner jacket?

I'm sorry, Quillery, I think we'd better conclude this discussion

- out on the terrace! - - Jimmy, don't be a fool!

- You'll gain nothing by thrashing him. - I'm at your disposal.

- You can't conduct yourself as a gentleman. - Now, listen, folks.

There's no reason for any heat under the cutter.

We're all buddies here.

Mr. Van is right.

There's no reason for any heat.

My apologies, Mr. Cherry.

Oh, that's all right, old man.

- Come and have a drink. - No, thank you.

My apologies to you, too, Herr Doctor.

I ask for no apologizing.

If I let my speech run away with me,

it's because I have hatred for certain things.

You should hate them, too.

They are the things that make us blind, and ignorant,

and dirty.

How would it be if I and the girls

put on part of our act here tonight?

For the purpose of the wholesome merriment,

and relieving the general tension.

What kind of an act is it?

Don't say "What kind of an act is it" in that tone of voice!

It's good enough for this place.

We'll omit the bubble dance,

but I can have Bebe do her hula number

if there's a special request for it.

Do you expect to get paid for this?

Certainly not. I'm offering this out of the goodness of my heart.

Of course, if you care to make any appropriate adjustments on the hotel bill...

All right, Mr. Van, if you think you can entertain us.

- I'll get the girls ready. - What time do you want the show to go on?

After we eat.

Yes. Yes!

They what?

Just as I thought,

those bombers have gone off on an air raid.

The one mad-dog act of violence all Europe has been fearing.

Then, the next war has started, Achille?

With a vengeance.

But I thought you said they will not fight.

No one could predict what they would do in their desperation!

We must get out of here quickly. I must send some telegrams.

It'll soon be found out that some of the bombers came from this air base.

Tomorrow night, they'll come over here for revenge.

That will be exciting to see!

- What, an air raid? - Yes!

With bombs bursting in the snow,

sending up great geysers of diamonds.

Great geysers of us, perhaps.

Oh, no, my dear, we leave at once for Biarritz.

It's healthier there.

I can imagine how thrilling it must be in Paris at this moment.

Just like 1914.

All the lovely soldiers singing, marching, marching!

Oh, I am so happy for you, Achille!

What, my dear?

I said, I am so happy for you.

Happy? Why?

All this wonderful death and destruction everywhere,

and you promoted it.

You have a superb imagination, my dear.

It's the quality in you that fascinates me most.

It is what has made you such a brilliant and admirable liar,

and so very helpful to me. Am I right?

Of course, you're right, Achille.

Had I been bound by any stuffy respect for the truth,

I should never have escaped from the Soviets.

I'm sure of it.

Did I ever tell you of my escape from the Soviets?

You've told me about it at least 11 times,

and every time it was different.

Well, I made several escapes.

I am always making escapes, Achille.

When I'm worrying about you and your career,

I have to run away from the terror of my own thoughts.

So, I amuse myself by studying the faces of the people I see.

Just ordinary, casual, dull people.

That little English couple, for instance.

I was watching them during dinner, sitting there, close together, holding hands.

And I saw him in his nice, smart British uniform,

shooting a little pistol at a huge tank.

And the tank rolls over him.

And his fine, strong body that was so full of the capacity for ecstasy

is a mass of mashed flesh and bones,

a smear of purple blood, like a stepped on snail.

But before the moment of death,

he consoles himself by thinking,

"Thank God she is safe.

She is bearing the child I gave her.

And he will live to see a better world."

But I know where she is.

She is under a house that has been wrecked by an air raid.

She is as dead as he is.

But he died in action against the enemy gloriously.

But she died in a cellar,

not so very gloriously.

There will be many who will die that way in this war, won't there, Achille?

You don't say anything.

Probably, you are bored.

But I like to think about these things, Achille.

And it makes me so proud to think that I am so close to you,

who makes all this possible.

That's all very interesting, my dear.

But before you waste too much sympathy on these little people,

like your English friends,

just ask yourself this,

"Why shouldn't they die?"

And who are the greater criminals,

those who sell the instruments of death, or those who buy them and use them?

It is they who make war seem noble and heroic.

And what does it all amount to?

Mistrust of the motives of everyone else.

A dog in the manger defense of all they've got.

Greed for the other fellow's possessions!

I assure you, Irene,

for such little people, the deadliest weapons are the most merciful.

Quiet! Quiet!

Ladies and gentlemen, quiet, please!

Thank you so much.

The management of the Hotel Monta Loda

has the privilege and the pleasure of presenting for your entertainment tonight

a troupe of outstanding American artists

who have lately been touring Europe,

scoring notable triumphs in Monte Carlo and other centers of gaiety.

I know that you will join with us in giving a really rousing,

rip-roaring reception to Harry Van and Les Blondes!

Mr. Van.

Hello, people. And thanks, Don, for that very, very lovely introduction you gave us.

All I can say is, thanks a million,

and I won't settle for a cent less.

Now, in our modest act tonight, we'll be ably assisted by Professor Palota

and his talented little team.

Give him a hand, folks!

Please remember, we haven't had much time for rehearsal, so I crave your indulgence

if the rhythm isn't all strictly kosher.

Thanks for that laugh, pal. Thank you very much indeed.

All I ask of you is that "Christian pearl of charity,"

to quote our great American poet, John Greenleaf Whittier.

Give him a hand, folks!

Okey-doke, professor, take it away!

This will be amusing, Achille.

I hope so.

♪ If you're blue And you don't know Where to go to ♪

♪ Why don't you go Where Harlem sits? ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ Spangled gowns Upon a bevy of high browns From down the levee ♪

♪ All misfits ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ That's where each and every Lulu Bell goes ♪

♪ Every Thursday evening In her swell clothes ♪

♪ Rub-adub ♪

♪ Come with me And we'll attend Their Jubilee ♪

♪ And see them spend Their last two bits ♪

♪♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪♪

Bravo! Bravo!

What's that? Applause?

Come on!

♪ If you're blue And you don't know Where to go to ♪

♪ Why don't you go Where Harlem sits? ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ Spangled gowns Upon a bevy of high browns From down the levee ♪

♪ All misfits ♪

♪ Puttin' on the Ritz ♪

♪ That's where each and every Lulu Bell goes... ♪

Good evening, Captain.

I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Van, to interrupt your entertainment like this,

but... after your charming young ladies have finished,

I wondered, do you think they could be persuaded

to have a drink with my comrades?

Yes. Yes, I think they could. Tell the boys to sit down.

After this next number, girls, you can join the army.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

Our next number will be a stellar presentation by Miss Bebe Gould,

entitled Shame on You.

Hit it again, maestro!

♪ Shame on you You loveless lover ♪

♪ I rate tops Till you discover ♪

♪ Someone making eyes ♪

♪ Then taking you Right out of my poor arms ♪

♪ Shame on you It isn't funny ♪

- Have you heard the news? - No! What's happened?

There's been an air raid! A terrible air raid!

There's entertainment going on here.

Entertainment?

While tens of thousands of innocent people are dead or dying? Entertainment?

Mr. Quillery, please! If you cannot keep quiet, we must ask you to leave!

Keep it up, girls. Keep it up!

Where did this happen?

Tonight, they dropped 50,000 kilos of terrible death.

Please, this is no time for a news bulletin.

- Tonight, their planes flew over-- - How do you know?

It's on the wireless everywhere.

And I just talked to one of the mechanics.

The planes from that very field down there.

Sit down, will you, pal? We're trying to give you a little entertainment!

While you sit here eating and drinking,

airplanes dropped 50,000 kilos of bombs on innocent people.

Heaven knows how many were killed.

How much of life and beauty is forever destroyed.

And you sit here eating and drinking with them, the murderers! They did it!

It was their planes from that very field down there. Assassins!

Here, here! We can't have any skull-cracking in this club.

Captain, speak to your men before they start something.

- I'll take charge. - I'm with you, Quillery.

- Jimmy, you keep out of this! - I say curse you, assassins!

Now, listen, pal.

Harry, don't get yourself mixed up in this mess.

- We stand together. - It's all right, Captain. I can handle this.

Now, stop shooting off your face!

I say curse you and curse the villains

that sent you on this errand of death!

Mr. Quillery, if you don't shut your mouth, I'll be forced to arrest you.

Go on, you toy soldiers, commit national suicide.

It's the last gesture left to you.

It's all right, Captain. Quillery is for peace.

He's going home to stop the war.

Oh, you're not authorized to speak for me!

I'm competent to say what I feel.

And what I say is, "He that taketh up the sword

shall die by the sword!"

And you, too, shall die, murderers!

Mr. Quillery, you're under arrest.

Go on, call out the firing squad! Shoot me dead!

But don't think you can silence the truth that's in me!

Down with you, dirty murderers!

Shoot me! Go on, shoot me!

Excuse me, my dear. Some important business.

I'll leave you with your charming friends.

You better carry on with your turn, old man.

No, no, no. the act is cold.

Hey, maestro, give us some dance music!

Let dancing become general!

Will you dance with me?

Why, yes. I should love it.

My father was old.

The hardships of that terrible journey had broken his body.

But his spirit was strong.

The spirit that is Russia.

He lay there in that little boat

and he looked up at me.

Never can I forget his face.

So thin, so white, so beautiful in the starlight.

He said to me, "Irene, little daughter."

And then, he died.

For four days, I was alone with his body,

sailing through the storms of the Black Sea.

I had no food, no water.

I was in agony from the bayonet wounds of the Bolsheviki.

I knew I must die.

But then, an American cruiser rescued me.

May heaven bless those good men.

Excuse me, Madame.

But it seems to me the last time you told me about your escape,

it was different.

Well, I made several escapes.

But I have talked too much about myself.

What about you, my friend?

Oh, I'm not very interesting.

- I'm just what I seem to be. - Really?

Why do you waste yourself in this degraded work?

You mean you think I'm fitted for something that requires more mentality?

- Of course. - How do you know so much about me?

For one thing, I saw your performance tonight.

You thought it was rotten?

I thought it was unworthy.

Unfortunately, it was interrupted.

I saw enough.

You are a very bad dancer.

Hmm. In Romania, they thought I was pretty good.

Do you know that you can be extremely rude?

Me? How?

Why do you stare at me so?

- Was I staring? - Steadily.

Ever since I arrived here this morning.

Why do you do it?

Well, I thought I detected a funny kind of resemblance to somebody I used to know.

You should know better than to tell any woman

that she resembles someone else.

We none of us like to think that our appearance is commonplace.

The one you look like wasn't commonplace.

Oh!

She was someone near and dear to you?

She occupies a unique shrine in the temple of my memory.

Really? That is a glowing review!

The temple of your memory must be so crowded.

Are you sure you've never been in Omaha, Madame?

Omaha.

Oh, yes!

That is where you said you did what?

- What... what... what was it? - Mind-reading.

Oh, of course.

No.

I'm afraid I do not know your Omaha.

But I have seen enough of your countrymen to know that you are typical.

I'm not typical of anything.

Oh, yes, you are.

You are an ingenious sentimental idealist.

You believe in the goodness of human nature, don't you?

You can call that sentimental, Mrs. Weber, but it's true.

Forgive me, but that is not my name.

- Oh. Well, I thought-- - I know what you thought.

Mr. Weber and I are associated in a sort of business way.

I see. The business is pretty good, isn't it?

But it is getting late,

and I'm keeping you from your duties.

I haven't got any duties.

Hello, Harry. How're we doing?

Shouldn't you be worrying about your young ladies?

I thought you were supposed to be the chaperone.

I leave the girls to their own resources,

of which they have plenty.

Now you are staring at me again.

I was just thinking,

you said you were interested in aviation.

So was the girl I knew in Omaha.

She swung from the tail of a tin airplane by her teeth.

What an extraordinary way to make a living.

Excuse me.

Were you always a blonde?

Why, yes.

As far back as I can remember.

Was that other one, the one that I remind you of, was she blonde?

She had red hair, but I suspected even that.

Tell me, what was she like?

She said she was a graduate of the University of Vienna.

And she was the fanciest liar I ever knew.

She sounds fascinating.

She was a pest.

One night, she broke up the mind-reading act.

And then, she had the nerve to ask me to teach her the code.

I had a terrible time getting rid of her.

She even forced her way into my room at the hotel!

Dear!

I hope you didn't teach her the code.

But I really must go now.

Uh... Do you know any Russian songs?

Oh, yes!

When I was a little girl, my father used to engage Chaliapin

to come often to our house.

He taught me many songs.

Hmm, Chaliapin, huh?

You father spared no expense.

That was in old Russia.

Do you know this one?

Oh!

Kak Stranno!

How's strange.

How strange.

What did you say your name was?

Irene!

- How do you spell it? - I-R-E-N-E.

That's it! Irene!

But what?

I knew it! You're the one!

- What one? - The redheaded liar, Irene!

I knew I couldn't be mistaken!

Oh, there are so many by that name.

Not like you, babe.

Everything fits. The name, the face, the voice!

- Chaliapin for a teacher! - Old Russia!

Certainly, it's you!

And there's no use shaking your head and looking amazed.

No matter how much you lie, you can't wipe out the memory

of the Royal Grand Hotel in Omaha.

The what hotel?

All right. Go ahead and laugh.

That blonde hair had me fooled for a minute,

but it's just as phoney as that parachute jump into the jungle.

Oh, you amuse me!

It's a pleasure to be entertaining, but you can't get away with it.

You amuse me very much indeed.

Here we are on a mountain peak in Bedlam.

Tonight, war is breaking over the world.

And all you worry about is whether I am a girl you once met casually in Omaha-ha-ha.

Did I say it was casual?

- Oh, it is amusing. - Sure, it is.

It's absolutely side-splitting.

But don't think for one minute there's any more doubt in my mind.

I've got you tagged!

Good night, my friend.

My funny friend.

Good night.

And thank you for making me laugh so much tonight.

And what did you say was the name of that hotel?

The Royal Grand!

Oh, yes!

The Royal Grand.

You may recall it had one of those old air-conditioned elevators,

just like this one.

The Royal Grand.

The Royal Grand!

Say, whose are these?

Well, they're not mine.

- I wear opera length. - Skip it.

They're mine. Thanks, Harry, dear.

I couldn't believe we were leaving a place

without one of you overlooking something.

Now we're going to Geneva, girls.

It's a very important city, and we've gotta make good.

If we click there, we're all set for London and Paris.

Maybe we'll make enough money to get us home.

Oh, don't speak of such a thing. Home!

To get a real decent henna rinse again.

I reached a decision last night about the act.

What is it, Harry?

From now on, I do no more dancing.

- Why? - What?

Well, we've gotta have you in the routines, Harry.

I've decided that hoofing hurts me. It's undignified!

From now on, I devote myself to the more intellectual side of the act.

And of course, the negotiations of contracts.

What made you decide that, Harry?

I'm a thinker, not a performer.

Say, what were you talking about to that Russian number?

We discussed world conditions.

Oh, and how are world conditions?

Hello, girls.

I just wanna tell you, the orders have come through.

The frontier bridge will be open at five o'clock.

We'll all be allowed to pass.

- You going too, Don? - I certainly am.

- But you got a swell job here. - Say, this place is finished.

They know where those planes came from last night.

And the same thing will happen here. Boom, boom!

So it's California, here I come.

And run right into the Japs.

You better stop off in Oklahoma City.

I'm going down to see about the passports.

Oh, Harry, can't we go, too? I'm afraid.

No, wait here till I call you.

- Mr. and Mrs. Cherry, there you are. - Thank you, Captain.

You're leaving, Mrs. Cherry?

Our country is coming into this business,

and so there's nothing for it, but...

- So, the honeymoon is over, huh? - Yes.

Jimmy feels he has to do his bit.

Don't worry, darling. The war will be over before I even get into uniform.

That's what they said in 1914.

Goodbye, Captain.

Goodbye and...

Good luck and happiness to both of you.

Thank you, Captain.

Come, my sweet.

See you on the bus, Mr. Van.

Certainly.

Frankly, Captain, my heart bleeds for them.

They come up here to spend their honeymoon on skis,

and now they have to go back and fight to make the world safe for democracy...

again.

Yes.

It is a tragedy.

Mr. Van.

Here are your passports, with my compliments.

- You'll find them duly stamped. - Thank you, Captain.

How about Mr. Weber and the Madame? Are they leaving, too?

Oh, yes, yes. I have their passports right here.

Uh, if I may advise you, Mr. Van, better make ready.

The train will be leaving in about 45 minutes.

Okay, Captain. I'll see you about the trunks.

Is everything in order?

Quite, Mr. Weber. Here it is.

- Well, thank you. And Madame's? - Oh, Mr. Weber, this is...

This is an unusual kind of passport. It's, uh...

It's given us quite some worry.

Well, uh, she was born in Russia, so she says.

But ever since she was a child,

she's been wandering around the world belonging to no country.

I secured this passport for her from the League of Nations.

I see. Well, since Madame is traveling with you,

I'll be glad to approve her visa.

But Madame is not traveling with me.

Well...

Wasn't it understood that you vouch for her?

No one need vouch for Madame.

She's quite capable of taking care of herself.

If her passport is not in order, that's no affair of mine.

Uh, Mr. Weber, you...

You put me in a very embarrassing position.

I'll be forced to detain her.

You are a soldier, my dear captain,

and you should be used to being placed in embarrassing positions.

No doubt you were very embarrassed

when you had to shoot that confused little pacifist, Quillery, huh?

This is war, Captain, and...

Thank you. I'll look after my luggage.

- Do you have my passport visa? - Yes, Dr. Waldersee.

Hi, Doctor. Did you get your rats packed?

- Ja. - There you are.

I can tell you, Doctor, I'm going to be proud to have known you.

When I read in the papers that you wiped out cancer and won the Nobel Prize,

and you're the greatest hero in the world,

I'll be able to say, "He's a personal friend of mine.

He once admired my music."

Thank you very much.

This visa is good for crossing all borders?

Yes, certainly, Doctor. But you're going to Zurich, aren't you?

I have changed my plans. I'm going back to my home.

We are at war. Maybe I shall be needed.

Needed for what?

I shall offer my services for what they are worth.

Oh, but what about your rats?

Why should I save people who don't want to be saved?

So they can go out and exterminate each other?

As for my rats...

maybe they will be useful.

There will be another blockade of my country and we will be starving.

Maybe I will cut my rats into filets and eat them.

Oh, wait a minute, Doctor. You're not thinking what you're doing.

I'm thinking that probably the remedy you sold is better than mine.

Hasten to apply it.

We are all diseased.

I'm sorry to disappoint you about the Nobel Prize.

- Goodbye, Doctor. - Adieu.

Good luck.

Why can't somebody answer the question that everybody's asking?

Oh, I know the obvious answers, but that's not good enough.

Weber and a million like him can't take the credit for all of this.

Who is it that does a dirty trick like this to a lot of decent people?

And why do you let them get away with it, that's what I'd like to know.

My friend, we have avalanches up here.

They're disastrous.

They start with a tiny little crack in the ice,

so small, one can't even see it.

Until suddenly, it bursts wide open and then it's too late.

That's a very slick explanation, Captain, but it doesn't satisfy me.

Because this avalanche isn't made of ice.

It's made of flesh and blood and brains.

Yes, I know.

Still upset about the situation, Mr. Van?

Oh, good afternoon, my dear Captain Kirvline.

Good afternoon, Madame.

I have had the most superb rest here.

The atmosphere is so calm, so soothing.

I can't bear to think that we are going to Biarritz,

with the dull, dismal old sea pounding in my ears.

We are leaving now, Achille?

I believe some difficulties have arisen.

- Difficulties? - Yes, Madame.

Madame, this passport of yours presents certain problems--

Mr. Weber will settle the problems, whatever they are.

Won't you, Achille?

Well, there seems to be some question about your nationality.

Yes, it states here that your birthplace is uncertain,

but assumed to be Armenia.

I have never before had the slightest difficulty about my passport.

It was issued by the League of Nations!

Madame, the fact is that circumstances over which I have no control

compel me to deny your permission to cross the frontier at this time.

I'm sure you'll appreciate the delicacy of my position.

Perhaps we'll be able to adjust this matter tomorrow.

Madame.

I should stay over, of course, my dear.

But you know how dangerous that would be,

even if I delayed my return for even so much as one day.

I've been in touch with our agents,

and the War Ministry is demanding the production of all munitions

be doubled, trebled, at once.

Of course.

I'm sure that this will take care of all necessary expenses.

And I don't think you'll be inconvenienced very long.

I suggest you go toward the east.

Athens, possibly. There's no danger there.

Thank you, Achille.

Thank you for having managed this so very, very tactfully.

You are a genuinely superior person, my dear.

It is a privilege to have known you.

Thank you again, Achille.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye, Irene.

- Tough luck, babe. - It's no matter.

I talked to the captain. He can't explain what went wrong.

But you can trust him.

He won't be as brutal as the Bolsheviki were.

I mean, you won't suffer any bayonet wounds.

You see that you get through tomorrow.

You want to be encouraging, my friend, but it is no use.

- Hey, Harry, it's time to go. - Yeah, I'll be right there.

Go away. Go away with your friends.

If I am to remain here, it is no concern of yours.

Listen, babe, I haven't any wish to--

Please don't call me "babe."

Even if I don't believe anything you say,

I can see pretty plainly that you're in a tough spot.

Considering our friendship back at the Royal Grand Hotel--

Must you always be in Omaha?

I want to help you, Irene.

Isn't there something I can do?

You are very kind, and very gallant.

But unfortunately, you are no match for Achille Weber.

He has decided that I shall remain here.

- And his decision is final. - Harry, come on out!

What's he got against you?

He's afraid of me.

I know too much about his methods of promoting his own business.

Well, everybody knows about his methods.

Little Quillery was talking about them last night.

Yes, and what happened to Quillery?

That's what happens to everyone who dares to criticize him.

Last night, I did the one thing he could never forgive.

I told him the truth!

At last, I told him just what I think!

And now you see how quickly he strikes back.

Harry! Come on!

Harry, the bus is gonna leave!

All right, all right.

But we gotta go this minute!

I'll be right there. Get out!

How do you like that?

He stops everything to make another pass with that Russian.

Go ahead. Go ahead. You can't help me.

No one can.

Harry!

But...

If it will make you any happier

in your future travels with Les Blondes,

I will tell you...

Yes, I did know you slightly in Omaha.

So you decided to break down and admit it at last.

I can't believe it.

Perhaps you're lying again.

It was room 274. Does that convince you?

How can I remember what room it was?

Well, then you will never be sure, Mr. Van.

- Harry! - - We can't wait another instant!

- They're gonna go off without us! - We'll get stuck here!

Harry, you're letting down the act!

Goodbye, Harry.

Goodbye again.

- Oh, Harry. Come on! - Come on! Let's go.

All right.

- Bye bye. - Come on.

Goodbye.

Goodbye!

- Bye! - Goodbye!

Goodbye.

Why, Dumptsy!

Good afternoon, Madame.

What is that costume?

They called me up.

Look, I'm a soldier.

You look splendid.

If you please, Madame,

but why didn't you go on that bus?

Oh, I have decided to stay here and enjoy the winter sports.

Oh, this isn't a good place anymore, Madame.

They say the war is very big.

Bigger than the last time.

The enemy will be over here with the bombs!

It will be thrilling for us if they do, Dumptsy.

Maybe it will, Madame.

But I came to say goodbye to Auguste, the barman.

He's a cousin of mine.

He will laugh when he sees me in these clothes.

Oh, yes.

Thank you, Madame.

Dumptsy, bring bottle of champagne and two glasses.

- We'll have drink together. - If you please, Madame.

Your luggage is in the hall, Madame.

Will you wish it taken to the same suite?

No, thank you.

Have you anything smaller?

Smaller? Yes.

We have smaller rooms on the other side of the hotel.

I will have the smallest. It will be cozier.

Wish to go to it now?

No, thank you. You can send up the luggage. I will look at it later.

Very well.

I was right, Madame. Auguste laughed very much.

I'm glad.

You will enjoy being a soldier, Dumptsy?

Oh, yes, Madame. If I'm taken prisoner soon enough.

Go ahead and pour yourself one.

Oh, thank you so much, Madame.

I wasn't sure I heard you correctly.

Here's to you, Dumptsy.

And to you, Madame, if you please.

Thank you.

And who do you think will win this war, Dumptsy?

Oh, I know nothing of that, Madame,

except it will be like the last time.

Whoever wins, my country will lose.

They will all lose, Dumptsy.

If you please, Madame.

Now, I must go, if you will excuse me.

Dumptsy.

Here's for you.

Goodbye and God bless you.

Thank you so much, Madame.

Did you have some trouble?

No.

- Whose is that champagne? - Mine. But won't you have some?

Thanks.

- Dumptsy used that glass. - That's all right.

What happened?

Didn't you get across the border?

The girls did.

There was a train waiting on the other side.

Mr. and Mrs. Cherry promised to look out for 'em. They'll be okay.

And you came back to me?

Well, it seems fairly obvious that I did come back.

You meant it when you said that you wanted to help me.

You said I'd never be sure.

Well, I came back to tell you that I am sure.

I got to thinking it over on the bus,

and I came to the conclusion that it was room 274,

or close to it, anyway.

Somehow or other, I couldn't help feeling touched to think,

of all the sordid hotels you've been in,

you should have remembered that one.

The age of chivalry still lives!

- What? - I said, romance is not dead!

- Oh. - You give up everything, risk your life,

walk unafraid into the valley of the shadow

to aid and comfort a damsel in distress.

Isn't that truth?

Yes, that's the truth, plainly and simply put.

Give me some more champagne.

Another bottle of champagne. Hi, Captain.

Mr. Van. What's happened?

Was there some mistake at the frontier?

No. No mistake.

It's just that I'm an incurable sap, I guess.

I'll be seeing you, Captain.

Look, Harry.

A souvenir of Omaha.

I told you then that I wasn't everybody.

And it's true. I'm nobody.

But I learned there was no use telling the truth to people whose whole life is a lie.

So I thought if I told lies big enough, I'd make myself big.

But I can't lie to you, Harry.

You're different from all the rest.

All these years, you've been surrounded by blondes,

and you've loved only me.

Quit pawing me, will you?

If you're hooking up with me, it's for professional reasons only. See?

Yes, I see.

Yeah, and what's more, I'm the manager.

I'll fix it with the captain so that we'll get across the border tomorrow

or the next day, or soon.

We'll join up with the girls in Geneva.

And while we're working there, you and I will rehearse the code.

The code?

Of course, the code!

I'll learn it easily!

I shall be the greatest mind-reader in the war room.

If you're gonna qualify for this act with me, you gotta lay off the liquor.

I mean, after this is gone.

It's a well-known fact that booze and science don't mix.

I don't think I shall use my own name. No.

Americans would mispronounce it horribly.

I shall call myself Namoura.

Namoura the Great!

Assisted by Harry Van.

I shall wear a black velvet dress.

Very plain.

My skin, of course, ivory white.

I must have something to hold.

One white flower.

A little white prayer book.

That's it! A little white--

What's that?

What is it, Captain?

Enemy airplanes. Reprisal for last night.

- They're coming to destroy our base here. - I see.

They have no reason to attack this hotel,

but accidents might easily happen. I advise the cellar.

- Please, Madame, please do come! - In a moment, Captain.

I entreat you, Madame, not to be reckless.

I have enough on my conscience right now

without wishing to add to it your innocent life.

Don't worry, Captain.

Death and I are old friends.

God be with you, Madame.

The beasts are bombing us! Everyone goes to the cellar.

- Thanks, pal. - Quickly! Hurry!

I wouldn't like to die in a cellar. Would you, Harry?

No, but that's where we're going. Come on!

I love you, Harry.

And you adore me, don't you, darling?

- Did I ever say so? - No, of course not! You'll never admit it.

We're not gonna die in a cellar, after all, Harry.

No, nor in any other place, if I can help it.

Harry, you realize the whole world has gone to war?

- The whole world! - I realize it, but don't ask me why.

I'm stuck trying to figure it out.

I know why it is.

It's just to kill us, you and me.

Because we are the little people.

And for us, the deadliest weapons are the most merciful!

- Take it easy, babe. - I never cared before, Harry, but now I want to live!

So do I. But if we don't, let's hope we make a fast exit.

And together!

Nice try, buddy, but you muffed!

Harry...

Do you know any hymns?

- What? - I said, do you know any hymns?

Sure. Sure, I do.

Which one?

Any one.

Something you used to sing when you were a little boy.

♪ Abide with me ♪

♪ Fast falls the eventide ♪

♪ The darkness deepens ♪

♪ Lord, with me abide ♪

♪ When other helpers fail ♪

♪ And comforts flee ♪

♪ Help of the helpless ♪

I've loved you all the time, Irene.

Thanks for telling me, darling.

♪ I fear no foe ♪

♪ With Thee at hand to bless ♪

♪ Ills have no weight ♪

♪ And tears no bitterness ♪

♪ Where is death's sting? ♪

♪ Where, grave, thy victory? ♪

♪ I triumph still ♪

♪ If Thou abide with me ♪

Look, Harry!

They've gone away!