Original subtitles

I heard Magnum condoms are basically

the same size as regular condoms.

Mmm-mmm.

Which makes you think, like,

what else do we believe just because of marketing?

Like, if you grew up being told

the Book of Mormon is fake,

you'd probably believe it was fake 'cause

that's what you were told.

No, Magnums are huge.

My sister said her ex-husband had a scary big peen,

like, frighteningly big, and they had to wear Magnums.

Sounds made up.

Elephant trunk.

Yup. That's what she would call it.

I was watching this video,

I'm not sure where I saw it.

It was these two people having intercourse,

um, sexual intercourse,

sex, and, uh, and a cameraman filming them.

Like an amateur porno... nography type thing?

Um, and the girl in the video was moaning loudly,

as in typical, I assume, in that kind of video.

Just screaming.

And then, all of a sudden,

off camera, in the hallway,

you hear this lady yell, through the wall,

"We can hear you!"

And the couple stop sex-ing.

And the look of embarrassment and horror on their faces

was so painful.

And the porno-girl who's, like,

taking it from behind-ish, says something defiant, like,

"Good!" under her breath,

but you can literally see her soul

being sucked out of her body, right then and there.

All of her dignity gone,

as if realizing for the first time, like,

"Wow, this is my life,"

"I'm f-ing a stranger on camera for money."

And I just thought,

"Like, wow, that is really poignant."

Because, like, in that moment,

I was like, "Yeah."

God's real.

We have souls.

It's divine confirmation.

Do you watch a lot of...

No! I do not! No.

- I do not watch porno-ography. - Okay, okay.

No.

- It's okay. - No! I said no!

- I'm not! - Mmm-hmm. I know.

- Not a pornography watcher. - Okay. Okay.

Oh, I hope this goes well.

I know it's not a competition,

but I haven't baptized a single investigator

on my mission yet.

It's okay, I've only converted,

- like, eight or nine people. - Eight or nine?

Balls.

Anyway, what do you think about what I was saying?

The porno thing?

Like...

How has God shown you that the church is true?

I don't know. I guess I haven't really...

I haven't really thought about it.

But you know it's true.

If ye receive no witness

until after the trial of your faith...

If ye receive no witness...

Who do we have...

after this couple again?

I think we have the bald guy we met at Costco.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Okay, for every flight of stairs...

- Yeah? - Our husband

gets five times hotter.

Hi, good afternoon, ma'am. My name is Sister Barnes,

and this is my companion, Sister Paxton.

Are you interested in learning

about our savior, Jesus Christ?

Okay.

- Hi! - Good afternoon.

- Hi, are you interest... - My name is, uh,

Sister Barnes, and...

You ever feel like when you sing,

it's, like, too high or too low?

I don't really like to sing.

I think you have a beautiful voice.

I know I don't have a beautiful voice, but...

No, you do. You do.

I enjoy it.

Oh, my gosh. I already love these girls.

Hey...

Sorry!

Sorry! Can we get a pic?

Oh, of course!

Uh, here.

- Is it true? - Is what true?

- Do you wear magic underwear? - What?

Oh, my gosh! Come on, let's go.

This is it.

People think we're weird.

What do you mean?

I don't know. That South Park musical

kind of makes fun of us.

I listened to some of the songs,

and they're actually pretty funny.

Anyway, who... who cares what people think?

You're awesome.

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Sister Paxton. Hi.

Hello, I'm Sister Paxton. This is my companion,

Sister Barnes.

God chooses prophets,

such as Adam,

Noah, Abraham and Moses.

The prophets teach about God and receive revelation.

All right.

Let's get you a baptism.

Okay.

Ah!

Good afternoon.

- Hi. - Good afternoon.

- Hi. - Good afternoon.

I'm Sister Paxton, and this is my companion, Sister Barnes.

Um, are you Mr. Reed?

I am. Hello to you.

- Hello. Wait. - Hi.

You are Paxton, you are Barnes.

- Barnes? - Um, no. I'm...

- Paxton, Barnes. - Barnes, yes.

- Paxton, Barnes. - Yeah.

Mr. Reed, it's so nice to meet you, finally.

We were just in the area, and we wanted to stop by

because you mentioned you might be interested

in learning more about the Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-day Saints?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Reed, we would like to give you this booklet,

as it will help you understand the restoration.

I... I actually have one already,

but, um, you can never have too many.

It... it tells you all the ways

the Heavenly Father can reveal His gospel.

- As a part of His plan... - Thank you.

God chooses prophets,

such as Adam, Noah, Abraham and Moses.

- Uh, prophets... - Yeah, well, talking of Noah...

it is very, very wet.

Teach about God and receive revelation,

and they interpret the word of God, and preach

the gospel to the world, and because of Apostasy...

Would you like to come inside?

People lose knowledge of the gospel.

Do you have a girl roommate?

A girl, who?

A... a roommate?

We can't come inside unless another woman is present

but, um, we can, uh, stay out here

in the doorway, if that's fine with you?

It's just for safety. We don't mind the rain.

Well, my wife is home. Does that count?

- Yeah! - Perfect.

When you said "roommate," I panicked. I...

I haven't had a roommate since, uh...

Anyway, I... I have a soulmate and that is good enough?

- Yes! - That's great!

We'd love to come in and meet your wife.

Then come on in! Great!

- Do you like pie? - Yeah!

My wife has pie in the oven.

I've gained so much weight on my mission.

People are always feeding us treats.

We never seem to turn them down.

Well, my wife loves to bake.

- May I take your coats? - Oh, yes.

I really love pie. I'm super excited.

My grandma used to make the best pie.

Okay, well, you and my wife are gonna get on very well.

- Great. - Oh, one thing,

the walls and ceilings have metal in them.

- I hope that's okay. - We don't mind.

Good!

Well, I will go and check on the snacks.

Make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

My wife is being shy.

But the pie, the pie is nigh.

She'll have to be in the room with us too.

Yes, of course! Of course, right. I understand.

Please take a seat, take a seat, take a seat.

Couple of colas. Help... help yourself.

I think...

it is good to be religious.

Well, our work here is done.

No. I just want you to know that before we start.

Yeah, I think that we would consider

that refreshing to hear.

Well, sometimes, it feels like

maybe religion isn't at the center of culture anymore.

Well, it's fading, isn't it?

Yeah, over time. Mm-hmm.

Okay, are you ready to hear about

our Heavenly Father's plan for you?

I am! Wait.

Where are you both from?

Me? Ogden, Utah.

One of eight daughters. I know,

it's as bad as it sounds.

And Sister Barnes is from Salt Lake City.

Uh, Philadelphia, originally.

Ah.

And you're both raised in the church, yeah?

Born and raised.

My mother was a convert, so, um,

when my dad passed away,

we auditioned a few different churches,

just to see what was out there

and see if we still believed in it.

I know that feeling.

I know that feeling very well.

It's so important to find your faith

in a doctrine you actually believe,

and that's a very, very personal struggle.

That is a personal challenge that I have struggled with

for a very, very long time.

You know,

what is the one, true religion?

It's funny, Sister Hall was telling us

that we should

prioritize other investigators.

- Oh. - Oh, but no! I...

I'm just saying

that I could tell that you

are a very spiritually curious person,

just like Joseph Smith.

You know, Joseph investigated many different denominations,

Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholicism.

And none of them quite fit,

which is why Joseph founded our church.

Mm-hmm.

As I understand it, stop me when I go wrong,

he was visited in the night by an angel called Morony.

- Moroni. - Moroni. Yeah.

Moroni, who showed him where he could locate

some golden plates near his home.

His mysterious translation of those plates

form the basis of this.

Wow!

No, you read more than we do!

No, seriously,

we should be more like you, Mr. Reed!

Mr. "Read."

The pie smells amazing.

And now that you've been studying The Book of Mormon,

how does it make you feel?

Can you guess what kind of pie she's making?

Is it...

blueberry pie?

It is blueberry pie!

Yes! I knew it!

My favorite!

Going back, can I ask

how did your father pass away?

- Um... - I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't... - Lou Gehrig's disease.

Blueberry disease?

Okay, that's...

That's... that's wonderful, blueberry disease.

Who wouldn't want that? Yeah.

Uh...

Lou Gehrig's disease.

Gehrig's.

Oh, that's... that's awful.

I'm so sorry. I... I... I misheard.

That is a malicious affliction.

I... I thought you were making a joke

about the pie. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Have you seen any signs of your father since he passed?

Has he tried to communicate from the other side?

Mmm, no.

Strange.

Well, I'm...

I'm really sorry, and I'm sorry about the...

blueberry mix-up.

It's okay.

When I die, I want to come back as a butterfly,

just to follow around the people I love.

I'll land right on their hand.

Not their arm, not their... their head,

right on their fingertip, so they know it's me.

Ah.

That's sweet.

Oh!

Apologies! That is a foible of the house.

I'm sorry. It does that. It does that.

Um, well...

Ladies, I can't see you now.

- Um, I think it is time. - Hmm.

Time for what?

Time for pie!

Pie!

Woohoo!

And, uh, time for enlightenment.

Oh?

I'm sorry, I should have offered you water.

The word of wisdom forbids

caffeine and alcohol, doesn't it?

Well, it doesn't, uh, specifically mention soda.

Sure, it may be healthier to avoid caffeinated drinks,

but we're just not thirsty.

Aha.

How do you feel about awkward questions?

The meme?

Heh, no. I want to ask an awkward, uh,

an icky question,

an insensitive question that I think

will add depth to our conversation

very quickly before the sun goes down

and we're done for the evening.

But only if you're comfortable with that.

Well, we won't know if we're comfortable

- until you ask, so... - Fair point.

Maybe you just ask?

Okay.

If you don't ask,

I'm gonna leave here wondering what we missed out on.

Very well. My question is this. Um...

Now I feel it's been built up to. Uh...

Should I request a drum roll?

I'm going to request a drum roll.

A drum roll please, ladies!

Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!

More! More! More!

Now, I... I... I... my question is,

how do you feel about polygamy?

How do you... how do you feel about the concept of

a man having multiple wives?

I mean, it's... it's not for me, um...

Are you asking from a biblical perspective?

Uh, Mormonism has a controversial history

with the misogynist practice

of men claiming multiple wives.

But I am fascinated by the idea of Modern Revelation,

which was used to erase this behavior

from the church in 1890.

I just think that's worthy of conversation.

Yeah? Uh...

And what I mean by that

is that we're discussing a church that

decided that a controversial practice

was a stain on its reputation, and an actual hindrance

to recruiting new members, and so it used revelation,

word of God told unto the prophet

to banish a provocative religious pillar

that seemed unsavory in contemporary times.

Yeah, I know that, um,

it may be difficult to understand, um,

but, uh, polygamy was a spiritual mission

needed at the time in order

to grow the ranks of our membership

in the wake of much hardship and bloodshed.

Um... a man having plural wives

meant more... more babies to help the community grow.

Hmm.

It's, yeah, it's sketch for sure,

- to our modern brains. - And it was...

it was removed from the church not just because

it was grotesque or controversial,

but just because it wasn't necessary anymore.

You see, I worry, and...

forgive my loud language,

uh,

I worry that Joseph Smith used the concept of polygamy

to legitimize his affairs with other women.

I worry that Joseph's wife, Emma Smith,

was upset when he slept with Fanny Alger,

their sixteen-year-old maid.

I worry that he formulated a plan

to use revelation for consequence-free sex

in the aftermath of that indiscretion

and others like it.

You know, "With great power comes great responsibility."

Spiderman.

Voltaire.

Right.

I guess what I would pose to the room is my concern

that polygamy has no spiritual bearing whatsoever.

That is somewhat of a distortion, I think...

The church's own history corroborates

and implies this...

cynical brainwashing tactic.

Is that true?

I... I... I'm sorry,

I... I'm not sure where you're getting this.

If revelation by God is filtered through man

and man is flawed and man sins and man lies,

then how do we know any of it's true?

We know it's true because of how it makes us feel.

Bingo! That's exactly right!

That's exactly right. Couldn't agree more.

It's our personal relationship with God which matters.

Let us talk with our bishop

about some of the points you're raising. Um...

Question. What's your favorite fast food?

I try not to eat it.

None of us do, but go on, we've all got one.

Um...

Okay. Burger King is better than Carl's Junior...

What's Carl's Junior?

Hardee's on the East Coast.

Burger King is better than Hardee's

which is better than Rally's...

- Rally's? - Checkers.

Burger King is better

than Hardee's, which is better than Checkers,

which is better than Wendy's, which is better than In-N-Out,

which is better than McDonalds,

which is better than Jack in the Box,

which is better than nothing.

Jack in the Box serves breakfast all day.

I love breakfast!

What about Taco Bell?

We don't talk about Taco Bell.

Why don't we talk about Taco Bell?

We'd have to talk about Taco Bell to talk about...

why we don't talk about Taco Bell.

All right, so... so Burger King is number one.

- I think it's trash. - Oh.

Right. Not Jack in the Box.

I vote Wendy's.

I could support.

Good! Wendy's it is. Yeah.

Do you know? I've never had a Wendy.

That came out wrong.

It's okay.

So when I started studying theology,

the last thing I wanted to do was find...

the Wendy's of religions.

I was just writing a research paper

for a college class, and I was content with dabbling.

So, some McNuggets here, BK Whopper over there,

whatever fit the mood.

As I studied the genres, McD, BK, In-N-Out,

i.e., Mormonism, Scientology, Islam, Buddhism,

as I got closer to God

through genre and rigorous study,

as I worked on my personal relationship

with Heavenly Father, and I think strengthened it,

do you know what I found?

The more you know, the less you know.

And by the time I was 50, I was malnourished

from the fast food of religion I'd been packing into my brain

for the best part of a decade.

Every sect, cult, creed, denomination

all claimed to be the one, true doctrine,

and yet none seemed true when held under the microscope.

So I wondered what else was out there.

I promise you,

the last thing I wanted to do

was find the one true religion.

But unfortunately, I did.

Can we meet your wife?

Please?

Of course, yes!

She just has to be present, and we want

- to meet her as well. - Yeah.

Sorry. I'll... I'll go ask.

Sister Barnes, I don't... I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want to spook him,

but we should wrap this.

Any messages?

Nothing.

Okay. Um...

let's just politely wrap this and head back.

Just the highlights...

And she is finally ready.

Sorry about that.

Come on through. She's eager to... meet you.

There we are.

- This way. - Okay.

One moment, Mr. Reed. Uh, we're just getting a call

from the Relief Society president.

- We'll be right there. - Oh, do you need a minute?

Hi.

- This is Sister Barnes. Um... - I'll wait.

- I'll wait on the other side. - Yeah. Just one moment.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

- Should we leave? - Now?

- Yeah? - Yes? Yes.

What is it?

Our bikes.

Yeah?

They're locked outside.

So what?

He has our coats.

The key to the bike lock is in my coat pocket.

So we need our coats.

Yeah.

- We do. - I don't know, do we?

Walk back without coats and bikes?

What is that, two miles?

No, I think it's four.

It's a little over the top, but I...

I'm fine. I'm fine to walk, yeah?

- It's stuck. - Unlock it.

There's no... lock.

What? Pull harder.

Here. Here.

All right.

Is he still there?

Didn't we hear him leave?

Are you sure?

Should we ask him for help?

No.

Can you fit through this?

You crazy?

Um, we should try Sister Hall, okay?

Or Elder Kennedy, just so they know where we are.

It's not going through.

It's the storm. Keep trying, okay?

Okay.

We ask for help, hmm?

It'll be fine.

Mr. Reed?

And there they are! Welcome.

Mr. Reed, you have been too generous with your time.

Sister Paxton and I were just saying

what a pleasure it's been.

Um, but we just got off the phone with Sister Hall,

and she needs us to return to the church.

- Oh! Oh, well... - Unfortunately, yeah.

I won't keep you if you wish to leave.

We've been summoned back.

Yeah.

Damn it! Damn it, 'cause we were just

getting started, weren't we?

You know, you had me thinking that maybe you were

onto something with your visit.

I've been impressed, but I understand.

Uh, yeah, your coats are here,

hanging on the back of the pew.

Excuse me one moment.

Yeah.

Key.

So... so we just, uh, need your help

with the door. Um...

It's... it's a little tricky.

I'm sorry?

I think your door is a bit stuck out there.

The door won't open.

The front door.

Yeah, the front door won't open again.

It opened when we came in.

Yeah.

Maybe if you unlock it, it will open?

No, no, I... I... I understand what you're asking me,

but, uh,

the deadbolts are on a timer.

I got carried away with our conversation,

I didn't realize the brace had been set.

I should have pulled the pin when you came in,

but I forgot. So if you are now

regrettably ready to leave,

you'll have to exit through the back of my house.

Uh, where?

Just through here.

Well, can you just unlock the front one, please?

We would like to go that way.

Just so we don't get turned around

and confused when we get outside.

Yeah, it won't open again 'til morning.

Please, sir?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I promise you, it's safe to leave this way.

Huh?

It's a little unusual to have a door

that, um, locks on a timer?

Uh...

Yes, well, I see that.

Yeah.

And it's...

Well, it's a little unusual that it can't be unlocked.

No, I... I... I know.

I am self-aware enough to know how this might look.

Older man, two young women in his house,

but I assure you, you are welcome to leave

through... through the back.

You saw my house from the outside, right?

- Mm-hmm. - Right!

So, you know it's a tiny footprint.

The back of the house is just there.

Yeah.

Anyway, I will leave you space to make your decision freely.

Yeah.

To clarify, I am trying...

have been trying very hard to make it a point

not to pressure you,

so you shouldn't even feel the need

to fabricate a story about someone from your ward

calling you to leave. It's... perfectly fine.

Leave when you want.

It wasn't an excuse, they do need us back.

No, I know, but you're saying you took a call

with someone from your ward.

Yeah, a moment ago.

But when you came inside, I asked if you were okay

with the metal in the walls and ceilings.

What do you mean?

I mean that the metal obstructs cell phone signals,

so I do know you didn't take a call. But...

Just to be clear,

so you're comfortable,

it is totally fine for you to leave on your own accord.

You never need to feel like you have to...

make excuses or... or tell me little...

little... little white lies.

So which door takes us outside?

Pff.

Well... do you have a preference?

Wh... why would I have a preference?

Should we have a preference?

That is a fair question.

Not to be completely weird, but can your wife

please just step in the room,

say hello and walk us to the back of the house?

I'm not trying to be silly,

I promise, I'm really not,

but there are rules we follow, and we were upfront with them.

I will ask.

Can I ask you a question first?

Do you...

still believe that my wife is in the next room?

Despite all the evidence to the contrary,

the scented candle,

the absence of an oven with blueberry pie?

Or have you been politely indulging a lie?

If you still believe that she's in there, I'll go ask,

but it's something I want you to think about

and maybe think about

in the context of your beliefs.

Do you believe in God because

somebody told you at an impressionable age

that God is real, despite having doubts

as you got older, despite...

seeing evidence to the contrary your whole lives?

When your father lost control of his body,

did you think it was God's plan to ruin his life?

Or did you go on believing something

that you know is not true just to give you comfort

because you were afraid of what it might mean

if it was all a lie?

I put the scented candle on the table

because I wanted you to think

about the things that you believe

just because somebody asked you to believe them.

Can...

Can we use your phone?

Please?

I... I don't have a telephone.

You have a really beautiful home, Mr. Reed.

It's like a church in here.

Did you build it yourself?

My wife built it.

We're gonna leave

through the back of your house.

Now, is that okay?

Of course.

Just like you said, it's okay,

and we can leave, right?

That's right.

What is it?

Sister Barnes?

That's a basement.

It doesn't look like this goes outside.

I think that you can tell that we're regrettably

uncomfortable with this situation here tonight.

I'm sorry, but didn't you just say a moment ago

that you saw the outside of my house?

So then you clearly saw...

that the back of my house overhangs a hill,

so you would know that you have to go down...

in order to go out.

I think it would be best for you

and for all of us if you could help us

go home because

the Stake President, he knows where we are.

And the Ward Missionaries know.

And they'll be expecting us.

And there were witnesses, weren't there, Sister Barnes?

On our way here, we passed a police officer?

Whoa! The police? I promise you,

you're getting way, way, way, way too worked up.

Right.

But I think that we're scared

because you lied to us earlier.

Do you want me to help?

You asked me earlier if you should

have a preference between the doors.

I think you should. I think it's something

you should consider very carefully,

and then make the right decision.

Do you want me to help you?

Yes.

Okay.

Then, please...

come and stand here. Both of you come.

Just here.

That's it.

It's a simple choice.

But it should not be made simply.

I need you to reflect very, very deeply

and then make a sincere decision.

Have you ever played

the Parker Brothers game, Monopoly?

Monopoly is currently published in 47 languages.

They sell it in over 114 countries.

♪ If I could make a wish ♪

They say over a billion people have played Monopoly.

But I'm guessing that only a fraction of that billion

have actually finished it.

Maybe that reminds you

of something else?

Just a thought.

This is what most people mean when they hear "Monopoly."

There's the pewter avatars.

Everyone has their favorite. I shall not tell you mine.

Meow!

There's the pastel money in various denominations,

and, of course, the jail.

Now, this next part is very important.

Have you ever played the 1904 board game called.

The Landlord's Game?

It is very nearly identical to Monopoly

in every fundamental way. There's the jail.

There's free parking.

There's fines and fees. There's penalties.

For landing on other people's properties,

and the ultimate goal of forming monopolies

to force your opponent out of the game.

What do games have to do with us leaving?

Everything.

The Landlord's Game was designed by

American feminist Elizabeth Magie,

almost three decades before

a heater salesman from Philadelphia,

Sister Barnes, changed the name to Monopoly

and sold the concept as his own

to Parker Brothers in 1935.

This chap was called Charles Darrow,

went on to become the first millionaire games designer

in the history of the world, while poor old Elizabeth Magie

died without ever being credited for the impact

she had on American culture.

I'm talking to you

about iterations.

I need you to have a very basic understanding

of iterating, because I'm going to make

a very disturbing claim tonight.

It will make your stomachs sink a little

and your hearts beat faster.

It will make you sick.

It may even... I'm very sorry...

make you want to... to die.

Have you heard this song before?

You just played it.

No, I mean before tonight.

Mmm-mmm.

I disagree!

I think you've heard it many, many times before,

but we will come back to that.

You are, are you not, monotheistic?

We believe in Heavenly Father, yes.

Okay.

There are three major monotheistic religions,

Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

I call them, "The Big Three."

Judaism, i.e.

"The Original Edition."

Christianity, i.e. "The Most Popular Edition,"

and Islam, "The Newer",

"Second Most Popular Edition."

May I see your Book of Mormon, please?

I'll give it back.

Thank you.

And finally, after 800 years, this!

Mormonism, i.e.

"The zany regional spin-off edition."

These are all iterations

of the same source material.

These texts share many of the same characters

and histories albeit presented

with different meanings and perspectives.

So no,

I will not accept... that you stand there

and tell me that you've never heard.

The Air That I Breathe by The Hollies,

when I know that you have heard Creep by Radiohead.

Oh, yes, you have. Come on.

♪ But I'm a creep! ♪

Yeah?

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

Okay! "What the hell am I doing here?"

I know these are things you are thinking right now,

but they're also lyrics you recognize, yes?

Yes?

The Hollies filed a plagiarism lawsuit against Radiohead,

which they later settled by proving

that the melody and rhythm of The Air That I Breathe

appear in Creep.

How old are you? 19 or 20?

- Something like that. Okay. - Hmm.

So maybe you know Lana Del Rey,

who remarkably was sued by Radiohead

for plagiarizing Creep in her 2017 song.

Get Free.

Iterations.

Over time.

Diluting the message.

Obscuring the original.

Judaism is the OG monotheistic religion.

It should, by a wide margin,

have the most number of practicing members. And yet,

it makes up only 0.2% of the world's population.

Why is that?

Why is the original less popular

than the iteration?

Is it any less true than the others?

Are we talking about religion or board games or music?

Yes.

It has the fewest members because it doesn't advertise.

It doesn't have people like you,

knocking on doors,

selling people a better life,

a better board game, a better song.

You ever think about that?

How missionaries are really just salespeople

for an organization?

The product you're selling is an idea.

You knock on my door and you sell,

maybe I buy, maybe I don't buy.

Those are the rules of engagement

when I invite you into my house.

We are negotiating a transaction of ideologies.

And what I'm trying to say to you tonight

is that I have an idea which I would like to sell to you.

My argument is that the holy texts

which we revere

are just mythological iterations of stories

which ancient people have been

telling each other for centuries.

They're not true or real in any literal sense.

They are merely a conduit to a more ancient truth.

The story of a savior...

who was born to a virgin,

who could perform miracles

and was supernaturally resurrected,

was a very popular story

for at least a thousand years

before Jesus was born.

One of them has blonde hair,

one of them's brunette, both dressed similar.

No. Never stopped by.

Mithras performed miracles.

He was marked by the sign of the cross.

Horus, walked on water,

was crucified, had 12 disciples.

Krishna, he was a carpenter, born to a virgin,

baptized in a river, rose from the dead

and ascended into heaven.

This little gallery depicts 12 gods

who were born on December the 25th,

all of whom predate the existence of Jesus.

I am sorry,

but it is impossible to ignore the influence

of one narrative upon another,

or to ignore the fact that all these stories

iterate into...

Episode I - The Phantom Menace.

Can you imagine thousands of years from now

people accepting Jar Jar

as a significant religious figure?

Beg your pardon?

Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar! Ex-squeeze me.

Never mind.

It is all terrifying, isn't it? I'm sorry.

It is.

It is all...

Scary.

I'm scared.

I'm scared just saying it out loud, really.

If God is real, and he watches when we masturbate,

and he has such a fragile ego that he only helps us

when we beg him and shower him with praise,

and he hates gay people

for being what he made them to be,

well, that's terrifying.

If there's no God

and we're just horny, microscopic ants

floating on a rock through space

with no divine purpose

and no hope to achieve eternal life,

well...

that's terrifying too.

"Either the church is true or it is a fraud."

"It is the church and kingdom of God,"

"or it is nothing."

Do you agree with that?

Would it help if I told you this is Gordon B. Hinckley,

the 15th President of your church.

- Do you agree with Gordon? - Yes.

- Mm-hmm. - Thought you might.

So either it is all true

or none of it's true, yes?

- Yes. - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Then I want you to choose which door

to go through based on your faith.

Are...

are you asking us

for us to deliberate our belief in the church?

Is that a factor which will correspond

to us going home?

I'm asking you to choose between belief

and disbelief.

My own claim is that all 10,000 verifiable religions

that exist in the world today

are as artificial as the symbolic church

you are currently standing in.

It is farce.

There is nothing holy here.

Your religious text is mere ornament...

as hollow and as capitalistic

as these ridiculous games.

I want to know what is going to happen to us

- before we choose. - I don't even know

how to begin to answer that question

if it hasn't happened yet.

Wow, Mr. Reed,

you've introduced a lot of interesting points.

I think we can admit that you're a very smart man

and we still have a lot to learn.

So with that, I would like to agree

that you've...

convinced us,

and we'd like to leave

through the disbelief door and go home now.

Right, Sister Barnes?

Sister?

Sister Barnes?

I think we should listen to our super neat

and thoughtful host and choose the right door?

You know, choose the "right"?

Like they taught us in primary?

It doesn't...

matter what you say to him.

He's not gonna let us go

just because we admit he's right.

Let's just get out of here while our host is being

gracious enough to let us leave.

I think that we're being studied.

I think he wants to learn something about us

based on which door we open.

Is that the game?

Someone scratches their neck, and he's watching.

We say the wrong thing, and he stumbles on his words.

A candle flame flickers, and it captures his attention.

What have you been looking for?

What have you found?

If I'm right,

then the only thing that matters right now

is what we actually believe.

And because I think your rhetoric is thin,

and your garage sale board game metaphor

is kind of offensive.

I mean, you asked why Judaism only makes up

0.2% of the world's population

but didn't even pause for the Holocaust.

You make no acknowledgement of the religious persecution

Jewish people have faced.

You just use it as a setup

to a punchline about missionaries.

And then, you skip over the fact

that none of this addresses Islam,

as Muslims don't even believe Christ was resurrected.

And then, you point out all the similarities

these mythological gods have with Jesus,

but breeze over the many glaring differences!

One of these guys has a freaking bird head!

I don't think... that my point of view...

fits into belief or disbelief.

I think there's an entire spectrum

that your game is neglecting.

So it doesn't matter what I believe, does it?

Sister Paxton, do you still believe in God?

Yes.

Then let's leave through here.

Let's be honest and sincere

and let God decide what happens next for us.

Okay, we're leaving now.

Thank you for all your mentors hip,

and thank you for letting us leave.

Are you coming too?

Sister...

It's okay.

One step at a time. We'll go slow.

Sister Barnes, there's nothing.

It's all blocked off.

What do you think he wants?

Is he gonna keep us here forever?

No, he's too smart. He...

He knows an Elder will check on us, and...

which means he'll either have to let us go or...

kill us.

From now on, if he lands a philosophical point

that we don't agree with, we challenge him.

We make him think.

He doesn't have to steam roll us.

We might not be a physical threat,

but we can be an intellectual one.

I think that window has a cage on it.

You're right.

He's coming. He's coming.

Take this.

Take this. Put it back.

If anything happens, you take this,

and you stab him in the neck as hard

and as fast as you can.

- No! No, no! - It has to be you.

He's watching me too closely.

- He won't expect us to do it. - Sister, no!

Okay. Let's have a code word.

Okay? Um...

Hey, if I say "magic underwear,"

that means stab. Okay?

He's coming.

Magic underwear. That's the code word. Okay?

Mr. Reed?

Mrs. Reed?

Is that you?

What's happening to her?

♪ But I'm a creep ♪

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

Mr. Reed?

Where are you?

♪ Couldn't look you in the eye ♪

♪ You're just like an angel ♪

♪ Your skin makes me cry ♪

No.

♪ And I'm a creep ♪

♪ I wanna have control ♪

♪ I want a perfect body ♪

♪ I want a perfect soul ♪

♪ I want you to notice ♪

♪ When I'm not around ♪

♪ You're so very special ♪

♪ But I'm a creep ♪

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

♪ What the hell am I doin' here? ♪

♪ I don't belong here ♪

I had to be sure

before I introduced you to her.

Sure about what?

You are now in the presence

of a living prophet of God.

The reason I invited you

into my sanctuary tonight is because

I have been shown a miracle.

I believe this miracle is proof

that all known religions are demonstrably false,

and only an ancient echo of something true.

I need a witness,

you, to verify that the miracle is real.

Now, our family recipe for blueberry pie is,

I think, a traditional one.

The ingredients include butter, flour, corn starch,

sugar, lemon,

blueberries, of course,

but tonight I've also included some wolf's bane

and some belladonna,

which means that, in a short while,

the Prophet will be dead from consuming the pie.

Then,

you will witness a miracle.

By the grace of God,

she will be resurrected.

Now, feel her pulse, please.

Both of you.

I need you

to feel her pulse right now!

Acknowledge, please,

that her heart has now stopped pumping.

Do you know how to do that?

Index and middle finger on the side of the neck,

in the soft, hollow area just beside the windpipe.

Both of you, please, lift her head to be sure.

She moved! She moved!

That was just a catalytic spasm.

She's alive!

No! No, no. Not yet.

Chemicals being released into her body.

Acknowledge, please, that there's no pulse.

Acknowledge!

- No. No pulse. - No pulse.

Thank you.

Acknowledge that she is no longer breathing.

Do you feel a breath?

No. No.

- So she's dead. - Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

A moment longer, and you will witness a resurrection.

She'll return and she will tell us

what she saw in the afterlife.

Has the Prophet moved?

No.

Hello?

- No. No. - Mmm-mmm.

All right. Just un momentino.

Only a moment longer.

The Elders?

- We scream. - We scream.

But not until he answers the door.

- He's coming back. - Scream! Scream!

Coming!

Ah! Sorry!

I was at the back.

- No, I'm sorry to bother you. - No.

I'm just in the neighborhood looking for

two young ladies from my church.

Oh.

Is everything all right?

They can't hear us.

I'm sure everything's fine,

I was just wondering if they...

stopped by.

No. I'm sorry to say,

you are the first house caller I've had all day, so.

- Did you see this? - It's locked.

Help.

Help.

We can pull the rug.

The matches.

We start a fire,

smoke out the speaking pipe to make sure

the Elder knows we're here.

Okay. But you did ask

for more information on the church, correct?

Uh, this... this is the which church?

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Pull. Careful.

Is there some other way I can help?

Do you want to use my phone, call the police?

- I could get my coat... - No, no. That's fine.

And come help you look around.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm sure they're not far.

Uh, thank you for your time.

All right, well, good luck. Yeah, I mean that.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

No.

He's coming!

Yeah? Yeah? Any luck?

She moved.

- What do you mean? - When we were gone.

No, you're remembering it wrong.

She hasn't moved at all.

Her head is different.

- That's where she was! - It's not!

Sister, that's not how I remember it. Please!

Please, just come on! Help!

Hold the sleeve up.

I'd be remiss if I didn't ask you one question.

Have you received this booklet?

I have not,

but I will give it a look-see.

Try another.

I know.

Focus.

Faster.

Conductor...

says... my... name.

White... clouds.

Not... Heaven.

They... unplug...

my brain.

It is...

not...

real.

And, thank you, Prophet.

We are very grateful for your passage

to the other side.

Your prophecy will be recorded into our liturgical texts.

Come. You must be exhausted. Take my arm.

Well, now.

You see, this is rather interesting because...

I know that one of you has been lying

since you first got here.

And do you know how I know that?

Excuse me, can I... can I take that?

I know from the way

that the fire reacts to each of you.

A.

B.

Yeah. One of you has a very, very...

very big secret, but we will know more soon.

There will be before you saw a woman die

and come back to life, and there will be after.

Books will be written about it.

So choose your words very carefully when I ask,

what did you witness?

Tell me. Tell me what you saw.

How did she...

I don't know...

And if you didn't see something transcendental,

you absolutely must tell me.

I don't know.

'Cause if I'm wrong,

I need to hear it. That's why you're here.

It's a contrived experiment. We are your prisoners!

- It doesn't make sense... - Oh, pooh!

- We're all prisoners together. - For us to have an opinion!

You must know by now that any of us can leave

whenever we want, but why would we want,

after what we've seen?

I saw it. I saw it.

I heard her describe

what she experienced on the other side.

Great! What did you hear?

She said there was a conductor.

- Yes. Yeah. - Did she mean angel?

She had a feeling of disassociation,

a feeling that something wasn't real.

That's it.

So now you know.

Now, we know?

Yeah, now, you know.

Know?

I can show you God.

If you're willing to die.

It... it can be painless. It can be temporary.

Like the Prophet, you can be brought back.

It doesn't have to be frightening at all.

I'll tell you... I'll tell you what's frightening.

Not knowing is frightening!

Where do we come from? What are we doing here?

What's our purpose?

The terror of those questions is why religions exist.

I can answer those questions for you.

I can give you a comfort no religion in the world

is capable of giving you.

It all makes sense now.

I've been asking myself all night,

how is he gonna make killing us our idea?

Sister Barnes, you're in a muddle.

I know. I can't tell

if you're playing chess or checkers.

Monopoly!

Come on, it was right there.

You didn't show us a miracle.

Okay, what did I show you?

That wasn't a miracle.

So you say. What did I show you?

That was not a miracle!

What did I show you?

It was a magic trick.

A magic trick?

You wanna know why we don't talk about Taco Bell?

It killed me when I was four years old.

Fifty people were hospitalized from an E. Coli outbreak.

The kids at school called me Taco Hell

'cause I was clinically dead

while doctors operated on my kidneys.

When I was dead,

I saw exactly what your prophet described.

A blinding white light,

clouds, but not Heaven, a sense of wanting to return,

a feeling that my state of reality wasn't real.

That wasn't a prophecy.

That was a near-death experience.

When the oxygen leaves your brain

or your heart stops pumping, your mind

creates unbelievable things.

I think you've been keeping this woman

on the edge of death in order to ask her questions

about meaningless hallucinations

so that you can substantiate your idea

of what the one, true religion really is.

Did you know...

that when you remember something,

you're really only remembering

the last time you remembered that experience?

You're not actually recalling the event.

So your memory of dying at Taco Bell...

isn't really of dying,

it's of the memory of the memory

of the memory of the memory of the memory...

stop me... of that event.

So you're remembering a false correlation

with the experience you've just witnessed.

But this, this is happening right now!

That's why I think, Sister Barnes, Sister Paxton,

that you really need to pay attention

because I promise you...

we're not talking about a magic trick.

No,

we're talking about magic underwear...

Help me! Help!

She'll come back to us!

I promise!

Sister Paxton, do not be scared!

She will rise again.

Challenge him.

Debate.

Challenge him.

Come on, now, Sister B.

Wakey-wakey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa! No, that's not it.

That's not it. That's a... a mucky pup.

Let's have that.

Moments. It'll be moments.

Let's have one of your drum rolls, yeah?

Whoop!

Hey!

I'm very sorry.

Something is wrong.

I'm now worried...

that she's not...

coming back to us.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah.

There it is.

No, it isn't.

That was a vein.

A-ha! A-ha.

The implant.

This is why she can't come back to us.

Take a look!

I'm very sorry.

But Sister Barnes, she's a program.

She's not real.

Do you know what gave it away?

The candles.

What are you saying? I don't understand.

No, no, I know. I know. I know.

How could you?

Can you explain it to me?

Are you, Sister Paxton,

familiar with the Daoist concept

of "The Butterfly Dream"?

A butterfly...

A butterfly flaps its wings and causes a typhoon?

That is "The Butterfly Effect."

Common mistake. No. "The Butterfly Dream"...

concerns an ancient Chinese philosopher

who asked himself the following question.

"Was I a man dreaming"

"I'm a butterfly, or am I now..."

"A butterfly dreaming that I am a man?"

Come and sit down.

Come on. Here.

This is us.

You and me alone together.

That was Barnes.

Bye-bye, Barnes.

I have come to a dark realization

that we exist inside a simulation so advanced

that we cannot tell the difference between real life

and artificial dream.

You heard the Prophet. She said, "It is not real."

You see, fire dynamics are very difficult to render.

I've noticed this anomaly in its behavior

when it interacts with simulated NPCs,

like poor old Sister B.

She couldn't come back to us, but when you die,

finger, please, you will pass through death

and wake up...

into the real world.

What do you think?

Yes, no, maybe?

Um...

That's a theory.

Well yeah, you're very welcome to...

to challenge my premise. I love that.

Go for it.

I don't think this is a microchip.

Oh?

I think it's a contraceptive.

A... a birth control implant.

Huh.

Tell me, have you ever met

a Mormon missionary who was on birth control?

Did "Sister Barnes" say she was on birth control?

Our church would've made her

feel ashamed about it,

and she would've been too embarrassed.

- Simulation theory is... - Ah!

"Hypothesis," please. Sorry, it doesn't matter.

Simulation hypothesis

is not testable, is it?

No, it's a matter of belief, like any religion.

You either believe it, green door,

or you don't believe it, purple door.

With all due respect,

I...

I don't believe it.

I'm not smart enough to say why, I just don't.

Do you believe the miracle that I showed you?

Yes.

- Yeah? - At first.

But now?

I think something happened tonight

that you didn't expect.

It feels like you're improvising,

trying to convince me of a simulation theory

that's not sticking. Am I right?

Uh, are you asking me if you're right

that I am improvising

or you're right that the simulation narrative

is not sticking?

Yes.

High-five.

So, in fact, you agree with your friend.

You think that the Prophet was just hallucinating

a meaningless, near-death experience.

No.

I think you switched the bodies.

I just haven't figured out how yet.

I switched...

the bodies?

The doorbell rang when the Elder got here.

Which drew our attention to the stairs.

You would have been prepared for that.

When we came back downstairs,

I noticed the woman wasn't in the same position as before.

It was similar...

Her head is different.

But it was not the exact same.

I think another woman who looked exactly like her

came into the basement

through a hidden door or something,

disposed of her body and then took her place at the table.

I see.

And then, once we got back downstairs,

she read off a scripted prophecy

that you prepared for her.

Except the last thing she said was,

"It is not real."

Not... real...

Maybe she was trying to tell us

that the miracle wasn't real.

Ah.

You see what I mean when I say

something happened that you didn't expect?

I think you gave her a script, and she went off the book,

and now you're trying to recover.

Well, if that's right, then, uh,

there'd have to be another way into this basement, yeah?

Shall we have a look?

I don't think there is.

No.

I'm not doing very well,

Sister Paxton.

Unless...

Which means that...

there would have to be a dead body down there

if you were right, huh?

Correct.

How will you test your theory?

I don't know.

But will you go into that hole and

see if there's somebody down there?

If I have to.

Why would you do that?

Because I want to know the truth,

and because the only way out is through.

Robert Frost?

Swamp Thing.

Don't go into that cellar...

unless you are prepared

to discover the one, true religion.

I knew it.

Hey.

Sorry about the cold.

Have you figured it out yet?

I think so.

So what is it?

What is the one, true religion, Sister P?

It's...

When we first arrived,

you left us alone in your living room.

We thought you were talking to your wife,

but you were doing something else.

I was.

You took a key from Sister Barnes' coat,

went outside to unlock our bikes and hide them.

I noticed your hair was wet when you came back

with the drinks, like you were out in the storm.

You did this, I assume, because you didn't want

the Elder to find our bikes

when he came back looking for us.

But there was something else on your mind.

There was.

You returned the bike key

to the wrong coat pocket.

We thought this was a mistake you made.

Key.

But now I know it wasn't.

Why?

You gave the bike lock to one of your prophets,

instructed them to lock the final cellar door with it.

But why, why, why? Why did I do that?

Because you wanted me to know

the only reason I'm standing here right now

is because it is exactly

where you want me to be standing.

I'm not here because I chose to be.

I'm here because you made me choose to be.

Oh.

Because you want me to believe the one, true religion is...

control.

That is exactly right.

Religion is just a system of control...

It's okay.

I'll help you.

No, you see, that's what's so interesting.

They don't want your help.

They... they are exactly

where they chose to be.

But you killed that woman.

I disagree.

She... She chose to eat a poisoned pie

because of her profound faith.

It is called drinking the... anyone?

Kool-Aid.

It is true...

that I keep these ladies a little chilly,

and a little peckish,

for which I am very sorry. Sorry, ladies.

But only for the same reason

that your church goes to Haiti

to give out Bibles after a hurricane.

It's easier to control

someone who has lost...

everything.

You're absolutely right. She did go off-book.

Why do you do this?

The question is,

why do you all let me?

Sorry...

You are here because the ideas of others

have influenced every single decision you've made

since the day you were born, and I've been able to predict

every decision you would make tonight because of that.

You have allowed them

to dictate every decision of your life.

They decide who you worship,

where you worship, what you worship.

They even dictate the garments you wear under your clothes.

The what?

Your magic underwear.

No... No...

No...

Pray...

Pray.

Pray for us.

Praying...

doesn't work.

Have you ever heard of the great prayer experiment?

They divided patients into groups.

Those who received prayers and those who didn't.

The results of the study were conclusive.

It doesn't work.

But I think it's beautiful

that we all pray for each other...

even though we all probably know

it doesn't make a difference.

It's just nice to think about someone other than yourself.

Even if it's you.

I'm grateful for all the trials

you've given me in my life.

And for your path that you've laid out for me.

Quietly.

Goodbye, Sister.

♪ Mama take this badge off me ♪

♪ I can't use it anymore ♪

♪ It's getting dark too dark to see ♪

♪ I feel like I'm knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Mama put my guns in the ground ♪

♪ I can't shoot them anymore ♪

♪ That long black cloud is comin' down ♪

♪ Feels like I'm knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪

♪ Knock-knock-knockin' on Heaven's door ♪