Original subtitles

- Claire, there's no room for our bags.

Someone has filled it up.

- Look at me, she'd have got hair earlier.

- That's the last of the big bag, sir.

Do you want this hand luggage on board with you?

- Albs.

- Hi, thank you.

- You can play yourself a crowd.

- Why are you looking like a trapper?

- Look, we're stepping off ends in it.

My pocket got slipping your filming.

- The only thing you're gonna get who got slipping on his cow ship, bruv.

We're going to Pembrickshire, but wait.

Where's Harrison?

- Yeah, where's the brother?

- Where's he now? - I'm here.

Guys, I'm just wearing, I'm just wearing a camera.

- I don't know, yeah.

- I'm here, I'm here.

- Guys, oh God, I'm invisible.

- Oh, and, babe, the dress code was practical.

- I'm practically perfect, Jinx.

But you best believe I am flossing out of this school uniform.

- Hey, hey, hey.

Get one of these down your neck.

- We should not be encouraging underage drinking.

- Good point.

- Oh, the fun is stealing the rooms.

- Oh, what's this?

- Let me be as unattended.

- I'm not looking, but I'm not knick nothing.

- For God's sake, if you want this adventure

weekend to be the bollocks, then you stick with me.

- Ignore this wet white with the stuffed cat.

- Excuse me, it's not a stuffed cat.

It's magical mislimastophiles, from cats.

- So is it very protective of our Andrew Lord Webber?

- Ooh, the Godfather of musical theatre,

cats, phantom of the art priorities is quite superstar,

and according to the Megastar Questsilab tracking app,

Andrew Lord Webber lives right next to the campsite.

- Here is the map to the compound.

- When we land, I'm gonna pop over and introduce him

to the start of his next musical blockbuster.

- Wow.

- This is not some search for the stars or a epoxy fashion show.

- We know.

It's a chance for inner city kids like me to learn new

skills, develop team building and survive in the wild.

- This is your opportunity to dive ed

first into the free bees, bows, banner, and birds.

- Obviously I'm only here for the first to be bees.

- I like it, I like it, do the cat!

- That's my log, you little prick.

- Class F, F for big.

- Good luck you lot trying to get a day to the disco with Danlon on the trip.

The what, the last night disco, basically the Met Gala,

but for scribbling little kids, obviously I didn't go.

- Oh, because you were gay.

- Because they were all clapped.

- Do you get a date, sir?

- Me, to the, yeah, whoa.

Obviously, mate, I was the man back in the day.

I could have moon for tree coals.

Listen, I would teach you every trick in the book.

Starting with, class F.

We need to show them that we are the alphas.

So we need to sit at the back of the bus.

- Not sure where those are parks for the free.

- Well, Rosa Parks didn't want to do wanker signs or Laura drivers did she.

- Coming you lot, let's go.

- Warren.

- Yeah.

- One coach trip, and I've already been asked to the disco about eight guys.

I said no, obviously, because of your face.

- Wishing's.

- My faith, my faith in the sheer audacity of them thinking they can ask me.

- Well, I don't actually want to get asked.

I find these antiquated heteronormative dating rituals to be caught.

- I don't think you've got to worry my love.

- In that skirt, if you look like a nun, you're getting on.

- Sir, I need some advice.

- Let's go to school discos tomorrow night

and I wanted to ask a girl to dance with me.

- Oh, sorry, just a little bit.

Just a little bit shocked.

I assume to a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, listen.

I don't want to say I understand your lifestyle,

but I want you to know what to put you.

- Thank you, but this was a bad idea.

I mean, this was never going to go for me.

- Oh, man.

- And you?

- Yeah, exactly.

- Sorry, I didn't mean to love that.

It's just, you know, obviously your father, but it's just-- - What?

- In the beach at Beggrows is Bombaguanin.

- That you've never seen such a decorated beaver.

- Well, mommy sees that a lot of a jazzle.

- Oh, why is there a gap?

- Oh, well, most beavers have a whole or three.

I'm only missing one, badge.

- Is that the friendship badge?

- No, I'm just missing a hunting badge.

Apparently wrestling the eggs of a mother owl

isn't good enough according to my power mad scalp master.

- RIP.

- I don't know how to say this politely, but what are you doing here?

- Saving Abigrove.

Applications are down 200%.

Most of our students end up unemployed, in prison, or in the army.

But now the army are questioning the quality

of our cannon fodder, and if they stop hiring, Abigrove is finished.

So I am here to teach this rabble some serious, survival skills.

- Yeah! - Ah, Mr.

Fraser, all set.

- Holes dug, wells sunk, traps, bare booby, and otherwise set.

I have thoroughly home alone these woods.

- Translation?

- Survival! - We only eat.

- What I forage or kill, shrew.

There is only one shrew, but we could lady in the trumpet.

- No, thank you.

If memory serves, I think camp food is provided.

- No, not the package I went for.

We've got no kitchen and no toilet facilities.

I'll make people out of you yet.

Now, who's digging a lot of dreams? - Ooh, ooh.

- Any holes in the hole?

d Holdin' me back d

d Crazin' me holding me back d

- What's that smell?

- I think it's nature, but what do I know?

I'm just your classic inner city rapping in.

- This is some horror movies set in, man.

And ethnic minorities do not do any situations.

- Augie Augie Augie!

- Bye, I-I-I!

- My name's David, and I run this show.

- No, I should warn you.

I can be a bit of a joker.

Unless we're talking, respecting the countryside code.

- I didn't know we could talk like that.

- We're all here to have a laugh, but not at the expense of the flora and fauna.

- Unless you get the opportunity to catch and kill.

In which case, seize it.

- Well, no, especially at direct intervention of the rules.

- All right, well, kill or be killed? - Again, no.

- One shot, one kill.

- I'm ignoring you, no.

So, first thing today is to tell the war, orienteering tomorrow, then the disco.

If your first task is setting up come.

No, I have a T-shirt to distribute to each of you.

There you go.

- Baby, you're an adult mate.

d We had our first day d

d Three weeks ago and Monday d

d He took me off a dinner d

d Then he asked me about to his place d

d He was like a six day with huge arms d

d And a fit face then he opened up his mouth d

d And I was like, what's no way d

d Walk you so going forward d

d It's not talking to a door d

d I swear I cannot be asked to do this d

- What is that?

That is my technical dream coach.

I've never played Joe's if actually, but hopefully it was.

I'm your Andrew Logue Webber.

- Things will change.

- What is that?

- It's tell it's sick.

- Glampin Maji, flossing, in fact.

We are flamping.

- We.

This is all for me, but we've been putting this up for hours.

This whole trip is about teamwork.

- Yeah, and I've got you working, you're welcome.

- So where are we gonna sleep?

- Bagger your bed beach.

First of all, have come.

- Ah, we've got nowhere to sleep.

- It's all about us.

- Right.

- What are we gonna sleep?

- I've often meet Lord Lloyd Webber about this.

I think it needs a few.

Finish him touching my love.

Thank you.

- Oh, and on the Osmir Disco situation, we'll catch up about that later.

- Ah.

Excuse me, my love.

Strange a danger.

So to copy, I left my map in my tent.

- Luke.

- Lucas, I changed it by deed pole.

- Two syllables.

- And your name is? - Steve.

- Steve, and with a per her lease.

- Like you would forget my name.

You copied everything I did at drama school.

- Those days are over.

- That cape is over.

- It's for the centenary of the century.

- She shall she shall from the street.

- What?

- Lord Lloyd Webber's 100th birthday weekend.

- Yeah.

- Not invited.

- Of course, of course I'm invited.

- So where's your costume?

- We're dressing in his most iconic look.

So we can't, in his honor.

- Oh no, I didn't want to get my rollerblades

dirty in this far-race, you know what I mean?

Don't get that, start like spaces like totally underrated anyway.

- Well, after you.

- Sure, you can find your way there without your little map.

- Of course.

- Teasing.

- That's fine.

- I was actually at Uncle Andrew's last week with,

you know, Australian sisters and auntie body life.

- Lucas, help help help me out.

- And why would I do that?

- It's because we're friends.

- Friends, at the end of your show, I fell off the stage and you didn't help me.

- Don't laugh, I'm not loving.

- I'm sorry you're gonna miss the big weekend.

I'll make sure to post lots of photos on the gram.

- Warren, you look like death warmed up.

- Stay hydrated.

Have some water from the well-eyed dog.

- Oh, maybe later.

- I would not serve that to my own worst enemy.

- Greg Wallace, at least I won't have to go back to the well and get more.

- I'm here again while we're not cutting through the whole rope.

We're gonna let those close septosps fit their winning.

We're actually, they're hanging on by a thread.

The rope will break, they're falling, they're asking a lot of bunch of lemons.

- Legend.

- Come on then guys, there's a couple more time.

Let's get you into teams.

- Oh, come on, let's give it to us, dude.

Come on, gladiators ready.

- A joking.

Ready, set.

- Come on, come on, come on, come on, we got this.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

- I'm gonna break it now, sir.

- 80 is not a waste, man anyway.

Go away.

- I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

- So get really hot.

- I'm tugged.

- Come on.

- I'm tugged.

- Hey!

- Oh, my bottom.

- What are you lot doing down there?

- He's gonna go to a disco with me coming in this.

- Loads of people.

- No one said, they're in it.

- An incision in the rope, make the disorated blade, probably a Swiss army knife.

- Oh, dumb that.

- If you not were in the army, you would be caught marshal for cheating.

- The report to the mess in five.

Brilliant.

- Court marshal.

I've become the kind of person my grandfather had shot in the war.

- Yeah, well, you weren't meant to fall too.

- You'll take it up with the basic laws of physics.

- Yeah, wait until you see close Earth fishing their clothes out the lake.

Come on, Harrison.

- Wait, where's Mr.

Carmichael? - I mean, how?

First Mitchell mock in my dream court and then Lucas wrote me this pit to die.

- Oh my God.

- Oh my God.

- I'm Joseph.

- I'm Joseph.

- And I don't even have my dream code.

- Help!

- D-kids, who'd of course I think they are.

- No pieces of my bed bought me fun.

- Oh cold, it's just banana.

- It's revenge for throwing their clothes in the lake.

- Ah, they pissed at your beds at all.

- No.

- Miss Hovin talks in her sleep.

- It's horrific.

- One shot, one kill, one shot, one kill.

One shot, one kill, one shot, one shot, one shot, one shot.

Where is everybody?

- We were gonna ask Mr. Carmichael if you could stay here.

- I assume you stayed at Andrew Lloyd Webber's.

So there's plenty for him.

- It's okay, I'll just stand and check.

I cannot breathe.

- What?

- Is all this noise?

- Miss, this is not what it looks like.

- What is going on?

- Class F mugged us off.

Uh, moves and counter moves at the art of all.

- Oh impressive.

I didn't know anyone had happy grow of red sun too.

- Nazis, they stopped the page free.

- You know, clearly I cut about this dress officer material perhaps, but no too nervy.

Perhaps a spy, MI5, MI6, both very reputable employers and as

luck would have it, I need someone to sex up a dossier for me.

- Keep talking.

- Well, if you compile a snazzy brochure

for the army recruiters, abbey grove, survival

camp, I'll let you off the orienteering course.

- Oh, so a camp scrapbook.

- But not a ribbony and glittery.

- Oh, Miss Open, I won't make promises I can't keep.

- Right, who's coming back to the bunkhouse?

- No, I think I'll stay here.

Take my chances, I'm a stay.

- Namaste too.

- This feels like a hostile occupation of foreign territory.

- The army would approve.

- Am I?

- What?

- Stop entirely.

- Actually, I bet it's late with me hours at the flap.

I've got a massive shit in the departure lounge.

- Hello!

- Anybody there, are there? - No, no, no.

- No, read my arm!

I read my arm!

In a well!

- Come in, have yourself a pure layer next to Doris.

Don't worry, she won't fight.

Not anymore.

Not inside murder, there, and stuff in that box.

- What can I do you for?

- Well, I'm looking for old photos of abbey grove trips.

Very few exist.

As Mr. Carmichael's biographer, I usually

destroy any old photos of him in hiking boots.

- Old fancy pants in the rainbow tent.

You have not seen hide-a-hair of him since he arrived.

- He went to Lloyd Andrew and Lloyd Webbers.

- Oh yeah, just over here, Honda.

He's under birthday this weekend.

They'll just buzz in.

Local GPs on end.

Or, guess, under 30.

I'll be last to donate to point to their blood at the door.

He's very fond of blood apparently.

- Fuck those! - Thank you.

- Uh.

- Not that one.

Probably best you don't tell anyone you've seen that one as well.

- Good morning, guys.

I just like--

d I've been in the dark in the dark d

- Got a round close.

- Come here, quick, quick.

d I've been in the dark in the dark in the dark d

- You're sabotaged to talk of war.

Solve the bunkhouse, and torture pupils.

Zero survival skills.

For me, popularity is the best type of survival skill.

- Yeah, well, why did all my clothes end up in the lake this morning?

This hike is a compliment, right?

It's because we're the king of bands, isn't it?

- Well, you won't be very popular in class, 'Kay, don't make it back for the disco.

- What?

- Yes, you heard me, band king.

- The last team back from Orienteering

will not be allowed to attend the disco tonight.

Maybe, missing out on this famous dance will teach you to take survival, seriously.

- Guys, it's important to remember the main thing about Orienteering is having--

- Let's go on, dad!

- Let's don't worry, all right, I've got this.

- Sir, all this pain nurse is gonna go to waste.

No disco, no dates, nothing.

I'm going back to the tent, and this is my last clean tracksuit.

You've ruined my life.

- Where we go, left, round there, oh.

- I get that you're reliving your glory days,

but we have learned approximately zero survival skills this weekend.

- Yeah, if we want to go to the disco, we have to get creative.

- Oh, I can look real well.

- Now, according to this map,

we can take a shortcut across Andrew Lloyd Webber's compound.

This will mean that we'll finish the Orienteering goals in half the time.

I mean, ladies and gentlemen, we shall be going for the dance tonight.

- Yeah, look, I kind of feel like the sort

might be and then see you in a bit, might fall.

So, I'm gonna make it up to you.

- All right, I'm putting on my big boy pants.

- Warren, give me the map.

- What?

- Warren, I am your tea chuck, give me the map.

- Cute.

- All right.

Follow me, pricks.

- I think we should be going that way.

- Oh, yes, there she goes.

- I needed that.

- I am sleeping inside the tent tonight, baby.

- That's 10 minutes, we'll never get back.

- Jinks, big clothes.

All right, I can feel it.

- Feel it.

- Where's the map?

- Well, my ass wasn't gonna wipe itself.

- Yeah?

- We would have been quicker during the actual task.

- Blessin' trust me.

- Remember, I've been here before.

I know these woods are at the back of my-- - Oh, jinks.

Look, look at this minging mole in the back of my hand.

So they're only gonna jinx out.

- We lost.

This is a disaster.

- How long things to Mr.

Harper? - Well, at least I'm trying to help.

I'm not Mr. Carmichael.

- Well, at least this map was useful.

Until you turned it into toilet paper.

- I bet all the girls are already at the disco.

Dance with some next man fan.

- Yes, I think about the last time you were here.

Do you recognise anything?

- What? Well, there was no last time.

- I had my suspicions, but this photo confirmed it.

Look, an old shot of class K.

And who's not in it?

- You didn't come.

- Well, what about the stories and the pants?

You were my hero.

- Well, I just fell so.

What's the word? Stupid.

- Harrison.

- Harrison, wait, wait a minute.

- So we're gonna miss the disco.

I mean, he wants to go to that meat market with all the normative Normans.

- Me, actually.

- No, no, no, we can still complete the course.

I have to try and get us to that disco.

- Foot.

- Morel.

- Everybody's strange.

- What was that?

- What was you?

- That's probably just Mr Fraser.

- Shh.

- Listen.

- Oh, I am this thing.

I'm always open to hearing about your lived experience.

- Wait.

- Sir.

- It's tough.

- Fair.

- Where have you been?

- Get back to camp.

- Is she broken? - Fair.

- Fair, broken.

Oh, I see, yes.

No, I'm up on my urban dictionary.

Bear, as in large amounts slash level of.

- No, there's an actual bear in the forest.

- It's armed, it's dangerous, it's going to attack us, it's going to eat us alive.

- It's a relax, Karen.

- Hunting badge.

Here I come.

Yes, always carry a blowpipe.

- And don't even think about going to the disco.

You're not allowed.

- Oh, look, look.

What for school of drama, 2015? - Lucas.

- I'm Stephen Carmichael's assistant and biographer.

- Biographer?

- Oh, I bet there are several chapters dedicated to our rivalry.

- Oh, no, just a footnote.

Dedicated to haters.

- Yeah, poor.

- Well, water under the bridge.

- No, I did see Steve yesterday.

He was in very deep water.

- You're using a lot of water metaphors.

- Let's just say he's finally playing the role he was born to play.

Joseph, in the well.

- Freeze as well.

That's where he's been.

- Strange boy.

- Yeah!

- Mr Fraser, I always took you out with my trunk dart.

- I admire your confidence, Madam.

You may well have blown the dart in my direction,

but that does not mean it would have hit me.

- Thanks, too.

- A heady cocktail of crab magar, capoeira, tai chi, and ikido.

I call it.

- Crapachido.

- Well, your Starbucks order aside, I need your help.

What have you got in your wooden house?

We need to set a trap.

- And you're sure this can work.

- Burn a dart.

- I don't mean to chef's playing, but if you go down to the woods today,

or indeed any day, you will not be surprised to learn that bears love a picnic.

- Shh.

I can hear the bear.

- Positions.

Dammit.

- Let's get you back to camp.

- I didn't make it here.

- So, okay.

I've been looking for you all day.

- So, I'd be to see you.

- You didn't say anything weird to ask me, did you?

- No, I didn't.

- Okay, good.

Get me out.

- Okay, please tell me you brought a rope.

- Oh.

- Lower it, man.

- Is that anywhere?

- Guys, listen, I'm really sorry that I lied to you.

The truth is, all my friends got to go on this trip and I didn't.

Oh, it's desperate too, but my dad lost the

trip money, spoofing for a round of drinks.

I guess I was just trying to recreate something I never had.

Harrison, you need to choose your hero is more carefully, mate.

- You're still my hero, sir? - Cheers.

- Hey, look, found this in the clubhouse.

- I know it's ancient, but I thought you could choose it for you this guy.

- Oh, what is that?

- What is asthma?

This is a CD player.

- Hey, look, I found some old CDs, though.

Bloody hell.

What happened to you?

Don't ask, but I'm glad we're back.

Thanks to Warren.

- Warren!

You never gave up.

- That's why we love you, Warren.

- Right, come and you, look.

It's disco time.

- Yeah, blessing, plus that CD.

- Yes, this is a belt up.

- Thanks, Warren.

- Remember, you never give up.

- Oh, you, Warren.

- Yes, I know this, you fixed it.

- Yeah, I know this, I know this, I know this, I know this.

- I know this, I know this, I know this, I know this, I know this.

- I know this, I know this, I know this, I know this, I know this.

- Oh, it's mine.

I, um, yeah, it's mine.

I consider you a dear friend, but, um, well, I have to

tell you that I think you're completely reminiscent.

And not just in your dazzlingly impractical tracksuit.

- I, I thought delighted when I look at you,

and I would, I would be on it, if you would, the odds of me.

- Finally, someone who's coming correct and putting some respect on my name.

- Right, cool, that's totally cool, totally cool.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Your jinx, like, I know the dancers at Antiques

Roadchon, that, wow. And you, uh, know, like, maybe one of the dancers.

- Well, antiquated heteronold of rituals, but

yes, very much yes, no, I really worked yes, yes.

- Cool.

- Come here, pretty boy. You're dear.

- You think I'm pretty. So are you.

- That was easy.

- Wait, what?

- Getting a girlfriend.

- Hurry. You thought I was into boys.

- Wait, you're into girls.

- Oh my god, it's so crazy. We've got so much in common.

- I mean, we never did get to have our dance with this girl.

I feel like we should fix that.

- Is there it?

Emma.

- You knew I never went on this trip in the first place.

- How come you didn't dog me into that lot?

- I mean, your dad ruined all of your fun.

- I was not going to do the tent.

- Oh, speaking of fun, how was Lord de Lord Webbeis?

- The pets.

- Ciao.

- I like your buns.

- I mean, your, your, your, on your head.

- Yes.

- But.

- Oh, flip, man.

- God damn.

- Pizza and beer for my favorite class.

Oh, go on.

I'm not looking.

Better not take any.

- What are you doing?

- Well, this is my way of saying thank you.

I finally have my hunting badge.

Thanks your tip off about that bear.

What bear?

Well, the bear I tranked and dragged back here.

Right, shit.

Oh, the students accounted for.

Just praise them, it's thing.

Win-win.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, shame.

What happened to you?

The strangest thing happened.

One minute, I was helping set a trap for a bear.

The next minute, I woke up in a four-post bed

and a desecrated chapel next to Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Shut up!

I knew you wouldn't believe me.

So, after he asked me to donate some blood, I took a selfie in the mirror with him.

Look.

Why is Andrew?

With?

It was definitely there.

It was... No, what?

Yeah, come on see.

I've been your now style.

We come to keep them down on the weekend.

And it's one.

Yeah.

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