Original subtitles

- Why are you before me?

- It's time to say, I'm trying to call for cough.

- What on earth?

The library is on fire!

- Glass cream, this is unacceptable.

The only thing I can't accept is that down draw.

You've got a whole generation of snowflakes on them shoulders.

There you go.

How dare you?

- With that lemon and herb energy.

- Now look, what perfume you're wearing?

- Er, the unseasoned chicken.

- At least you're doing your bit for the environment

because those bags under your eyes are for life.

- I don't mind I suggest, Jacques Bottato to go with that.

- Do you know in May of breath?

- Oh, don't think it's her breath from.

- You know what they say?

Plenty more fish in the V.

- What?

- And that's that.

- Oh, period!

- Are you out of your tiny mind?

- Ain't personal, it's a reading exam.

And you just got read.

Like on Drag Race, says in prepping us all the time.

- No literacy as in reading and writing books.

Analysis, critical thinking.

- Excuse me.

- Oh, I'm a squirrel.

- Now look what you've done.

- Oh, wait, I'm so sorry.

- No, but sorry, that was unreal.

I'm so proud of this shit, sir.

If I've had another exam, my mom is gonna kill you.

- Oh, don't worry.

Just tell her education isn't about the destination, it's about the journey, per.

- I said, she'll kill you.

Who else do you think our parents are gonna blame?

Oh my God.

- Ms.

Father, wait!

d Yeah, come on see me d

d Honey d

d Honey d

d I've been turned outside d

d We're come to keep them down d

d The weak, keep on these ones d

d Yeah d

- Last week, us mom told me, if her grades slip again,

she's going to soak my cleansing cloth in chloroform.

Jesus, she actually said that word for words with her eyes.

- Whoa.

- I mean, all the parents are so savage, I dress straight for them.

Last parent's evening.

- Come on.

- I wore Burton.

- I did joking, I'm sorry, mate.

- Mr. Carmichael, despite my best

efforts, it looks like I'm stuck at this godforsaken school for the long haul.

And now, thanks to you.

We could go into special measures.

- Oh, well, mm-hmm.

- You're welcome.

- No, special is bad.

- We'll be on the goldstone supervision.

- Why don't you say five for every tiny mistake by these, we'll have parachics.

- Mr. Harper, what are you doing here? - Hi.

- Oh, I just assumed I'd be in trouble at all.

- If you're not in trouble at all, it's Mr.

Carmichael's head on the chopping board today.

- Come on, shoot.

- Sweet.

- Now, thanks to you, your former Endangered Failing Basic Literacy.

So, at 4 p.m. today, class K will sit another literacy exam.

Members of the exam board, we'll stay here today to observe their preparations.

- If any member of staff tries to help class K,

it will count as cheating, an automatic fail.

- Oh, good, I didn't.

No cheating, no cheating.

Are you still going to have to have questions as usual?

- No, absolutely not, absolutely.

I don't know what you're talking about.

No, the exam will take the form of a spoken

presentation as they are harder to cheat in.

This decision was taken after some other silly concerns.

Well, raised about my own behaviour in this morning's exam.

I mean, literally ask anyone, ask anyone, I always,

I always carry a pocket English dictionary in my pocket.

The clues in the title.

- And I would the examiners like to tell us

what book the children are going to be reading.

- Hi.

- Oh, yes, good choice.

The plays of great British writer George Bernard Shaw.

- Oh, I'm pretty sure he was Irish.

- Oops.

- The board would like to read George Bernard Shaw's play Pig Mailing.

And then they would like you to present a critical analysis of said clay.

- Oh dear, that yes, that is, I think that's the only copy in the library.

Most of our books are much better than it,

but I've always got a five, I've always got a film

in Bernard Shaw, what two thumbs essentially.

I mean, I'm probably, if I could get a whole fist in the guy.

- Sorry.

- Miss.

- Yes, is there any chance we can read a different play?

- Enough, we are going to do this presentation by a verbal call.

You will all suffer the consequences.

Give me your phones.

Oh, no Google, no TikTok, no Wikipedia, no chat, GPT.

- Come on, man.

- Of course, guys, let's go together.

- Oh, no.

- Don't. - Oh.

- Do that ever fail, I'm so stressed.

Whoa, I think I'm having a stroke.

Like a swell duck shit.

- That's not a symptom of a stroke.

- Oh, I think actually, I think that was you.

I saw you trying to knit earlier.

- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. - Oh, oh, oh.

- Dude, why don't you tell me?

- I didn't want to be a white savior.

As a reluctant me, cis hat girl who goes on two holidays

every year, oh, except for a fortnight in

Cornwall, I am very aware of my blind spots.

Maybe you wanted to try to get it.

- Yo, yo, yo, yo, guys, guys.

- She jinxed it.

- I jinxed it, what, what, what's that?

- Oh, she's banned her in it.

It's what you say when someone's too white to function.

- As in me, my, my name, who says that?

- Oh, just, just awesome rest of the school, powerful.

- And Edna.

- My cousin, my mom.

- My parents said it one time.

I just saw my nail tip.

Everyone.

- We did all right, I'm saying that.

- Yo, wait, jinx.

- Okay, hippos, who's hungry for more bowls?

- As I said to the miss, he's lost.

- I'm not appropriate.

- Right, you know what you're doing?

I'll be in me office.

- Jinx.

- Oh.

- Hey, what's the matter?

You see someone drinking out of plastic cup again?

- Uh, no, nothing, I'm sorry.

- I have fixed your finger, I am.

Come on, you can tell me.

- Well, so I don't think you're a dick.

I think you're the product of a broken sister.

- No, I mean, you can tell me where you're crying.

Come on, I'm a good listener.

d I wanna feel, I wanna feel, I wanna feel d

- And my therapist says I overthink things, but what child of six isn't traumatized

by the bloodthirsty consumerism of dot-tuck juice.

And then when I was a dog.

- Jinx, jinx, jinx.

You worry too much.

Why don't you care what people think?

- I can't, I can't, that will be it.

My first word was sorry, and guess today, I apologize to my own reflection.

- All right, well, I'll up and out with that.

We've got a tough and you up.

Come on, gell, we've got work to do.

- Remember, two legs good, four legs bad.

Yeah, if you're feet are on the ground, you're listening.

You're involved.

Are you listening? - Yeah.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

d Forever, forever, forever d

d There was a, a, a, a, a d

d I went to the pub and I was for a pint for free quit d

d It said it's a fight d

d It said it's a fight d

d There's one scene left on the train d

- Excuse me, elderly lady.

It's not that you look elderly.

I'm sure you have a lovely skincare routine.

- Helping me, I see that you are up with child if you'd like to take a seat.

- You're on the spancid express for a 6 a.m.

flat to culk, what you drinking.

- Oh, flat white.

- Sorry, oh, flat white.

- What, huh? - Nope.

- What's on a vodka?

- You're slimming.

- I'm partner Guinness and a white wine spitzer for the lady.

- Better.

- At a minute.

- Yeah, you're all here.

- My saucer leaves.

We need more equilateral.

- Yeah?

- So I'm talking elbows out and knees out next forward, yeah?

Die, you win.

- Wait a minute.

- What's this?

The clouds have opened.

The sun's come out.

It's about to hit nine degrees Celsius.

You've got 10 seconds to take the top off and start blaring people like your phone.

- Wait, take my top off.

- But no, but don't do that, actually.

Now this phone costs me 200 quid.

It's where I keep the only photos I have

and my late grandmother and my beautiful baby boy.

Guess what?

I ain't backed it up.

Now, what you're gonna do?

Three, two, one.

- Waker!

- Oh, you told him I'm in disguise.

Drop that one!

- Boston, George, I think she's got it.

- You're Detective Pikachu, go faster, man.

- There are thousands of pages.

The man wrong, a lot of plays, okay?

- It's not okay.

- So why are you just like a nurse?

- Because hoping, and that exam moment, they're trying to stop me from helping you.

And this is an emergency, and I'm always on theme.

So, don't become an athlete with that quantity.

It came this season 18 episode one, energy, or high.

- What?

- Well, we ain't even started pig-maling, yeah?

So, why don't you see just anything useful?

That concealer application is looking pretty useful to me.

Say, it's fine, I'm sorry, okay?

Your parents are gonna kill me.

- Bro, I ain't scared of my dad.

Man steps me, he's getting whacked.

- Oh, if he steps the walls, he'll be diagonally.

- 'Cause he's a bishop.

- It's a chest rope, you know?

- No, okay, don't worry, I'll go to.

- Oh, no, you didn't, thank you.

- So, it's calm, we have jinx remember.

So, probably knows the big.

- Oh, of course.

Where is that little piece of tofu?

- Oh, you're your, you're your.

- Ah, she'll know what pig-maling is.

- That's too dangerous.

- I'll catch a mama, it's giving.

- Giving, nothing.

- Like, it was silhouette in that outfit.

- Ah, ah! - I'm obsessed.

We kinda need to focus on the presentation, so why don't you make it?

- Yeah, the presentation.

I guess you're right, Bobby, 'cause I really couldn't give a shit about it.

Or any of you a lot for that matter?

- Wigg?

- But the play is probably written by some dead old white guy.

- Mm.

- You can eat those.

- Oh my god, got down.

- Blessings white.

I bet there's loads about misogyny and objectifying women in there.

Jinx, you hate that shit.

- Nah, drop me out, you melt.

- Why are you talking like Mr.

Harper?

- Look, I'm telling you, look, there's a code in the title, all right?

- Yo, I've re-raised the loads.

- Pig, male, iron.

Like a pig, iron man, all the day's superhero shit.

- Okay.

- There's loads of superhero stuff in the costume club.

- Nah, pig millions, that dutty STI warrens, now I'm got on that swingers cruise.

- Saying that, it wasn't for swingers, it was for lonely hearts.

- Yeah?

- Why do you think they called the jacuzzi egg dropped suit?

- Oh, jinx.

- Hey jinx.

Hey babe, hey pesty.

- Come on, jinx.

- I know you love these child books.

Before I meet you, I've got a pair of dramas wearing white jeans on a heavy day.

- Oh, yes.

- It's the last page.

There's something about a sculpture and a character called Eliza Doolittle.

- It's you pretty, show me her.

- Forgoil was on a phone.

- Okay, so if we all work together, we can each take

one out to the play and read it for the presentation.

- Hey yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, what is this? - Ah.

- I found it stashed in the dressin' up cupboard.

- Oh, tuck.

- Hey, it's got a shit about all of you using it.

- Oh, my God.

It's the bugbook.

It's gonna be full of gossip, gimme.

- Hey, that, that, that, that.

Listen to this, Harrison is so dumb.

People do reps with him.

- Oh, that's fine, all right.

- Okay.

- Oh, found one in you.

- Warren's got as much personality as that billboard that films an out of date.

You're good.

- Well, well, oh, oh.

- The inches' balls are so soft.

People hear them and say, "I can't believe it's not butter.

- Give me that, give me that.

- Not butter.

- But isn't that, it's so dumb.

- Oh, no.

- She'd try using big baro on her eyebrow.

- Hey, that's what you want.

- Whoa.

- Oh, blessings, breath.

It's think so bad.

What is she, yours?

How do you start?

- We'll see how you look at them without my help.

- What? - No.

- You have a challenge for the woman.

- Oh, yeah, man.

- You're a good thing.

- It's fragile.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

- Jinx, you've got crazy on the book.

I shut up.

- How come there's nothing about you in there?

- Wait, because she wrote it.

Jinx wrote down all the shit she's too scared to say to my immaculate face.

- Fine.

- Maybe I did, right?

Since I'm such a too-faced bit.

- Jesus.

- And you owe me a bargain bucket.

- That's just the book's ruined.

Bravo.

I can't believe I let you all drag me down to your level.

I ain't gonna be well, I'm not appreciated.

I'm having a styling this out and going solo.

Shabbish.

- You're the kids, anyway.

- Don't touch it, just leave it.

- Okay.

- I'll be here, go, mate.

- Oh, what have you done to Jinx?

On the one day I needed her to be her bagging little self,

you turned her into a little tramp without her class K, our screwed.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, I told that girl to fall in public.

And you know something?

I've never felt more alive in my life, but well, I'm glad you feel alive.

Because if they fell this presentation, their parents are going to kill me.

Give me your phone, because I'm gonna took mine.

Sorry, mate, she's a write-off.

- God.

- And none of the other teachers will give me their phones

because that all snakes, we're running out of time.

- We need to Google this play.

We need a phone.

- And we're gonna have to go lookin' in the shadows for the sickos and the freaks.

We're no same person we'd ever go.

The library was much, much worse.

- Oh, our shaggers, lost crab in it.

Tell you what, any more fans of your scream into the abyss.

- Hey, oh, what's that tune you're playing?

It's like so depressing.

- How about we prank all each other's moms

and which time we've been in a car accident?

- Not morally.

- We'll give it your phone please five minutes.

- Harper, Carmichael, I do not want to see you trying to help class K.

You see I have a zero tolerance policy on cheating.

Now, if you go, in separate directions.

- See you later, dude.

- This, let me use the phone for two minutes and I'll do your eyebrows.

- Why are you laughing? The bummer.

Oh, safety.

- Why are you giving these out to everyone?

- I kicked off Vegeta's creepers and thrown some mug bits.

- Boy, it's just a bit of fan time, no big deal.

- Hey, my boys.

- I should have done this a long time ago.

Consider yourself unfollowed.

- Bye-bye.

- Please, let's borrow someone's phone very.

- Can you just stop laughing?

I need a phone right now.

I need to Google Picmania.

- Come on, stop that man, you have personality!

- No, I'm gonna be kidding you, I'll back for this.

- You guys are mean.

- Butter, allow me, man.

That bomb up knows nothing about my music.

- Let me use your phone.

- Sauce, the police are still holding it in evidence.

That detective has a real head girl energy.

- Yo, what is this?

- Miss Hoban wanted me to organize a literary tea in honor of the examiner.

- A slice of March air?

- You think it's rabbit, but it's actually pork because nothing is what it seems.

- If I technically, it's not even pork, mistaken.

Fake bacon.

Piggy pop!

- Sloost from the floor of the Avatar.

- Wait, if you make me a sculpture of a pig for this

presentation, I'll let you direct my next music video.

- Oh, I knew you'd see sense.

- Just think what you can build with this stuff.

- I just need a pig, phrase off.

Just leave it in a playground for the presentation.

- Yeah?

- All in those examiners cannot see you help me.

You feel me? - Now.

- Why you got to make everything weird, fam?

- James, this has gone too far.

That presentation starts in an hour and a class can't foul everyone suffers.

- Oh, it's kids.

- Chuck is a Coke.

- Skids.

- His name's Mark.

- That is quality to be fair.

Do you know what, James?

When I first met you, I fought watermel.

I don't know if it was your hair or the little clips that you put in your hair

or the little buns that you do on your head.

- I don't have a hair related.

- Look what I'm saying is, I'm glad you're happy you're like this,

but I told you to stop worrying and I told you to stop caring.

You never hand your mates out to dry jinx.

- I spend my back on a day itemizing problematic

tropes and rat genius and they call me go to no mates.

I reuse my past of water to wash my hair and they say I stink.

It's these but a little less time being dicks.

They've realised that pig mainly and it's just the film for a few women.

- Warren's seen it 14 times with his nan.

Now, if you don't mind, skid's an eye going to

smash a packet of Tang Vastip from this bit pit.

- Big mistake, jinx.

Shoot, check.

She's called Judith.

- Named her off to mother.

Same disappointed looking her eyes.

- Cute.

Listen, in my defence, I am feeling very emotional because

I love my kids and that scrubby little English teacher

kept refusing to tell me what happens in pig million.

- So, one thing led to another.

- Oh, mother, tell you who we are.

- Okay.

- Witnesses, I don't think so.

Begin this luck.

So, what am I going to do about this English teacher?

- Slippery little suckers.

- You could always pay me now and break the eyes.

- Fraser, why are you quoting pretty woman?

- Because pretty woman is pig million.

Guy meets girl, turns you into something she's not.

Girl learned to love who she was before.

It's basically my relationship template.

- Yes, Fraser, thank God you're so bad with women,

but how am I going to tell the kids with hope and watching me?

- Lead the English teacher to me.

You just do what you do first.

Have a okay.

I am dead.

d Ready woman walking down the street d

d Ready woman d

d A kind of life d

- Sorry, what?

- Jinx Lex lately was pretty woman.

So, I'm trying to give the class a heads up.

Mmm, pretty woman, but it's naps.

- Look, it's off.

- Ah, come on.

- I'm just so selfish, but just show me where you're at.

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

- Come on, come on, come on.

- Um, they didn't look like they were working.

Shit, what time is it?

- I have got my phone.

I'm screwed.

- Why, that presentation starts soon.

So, we need to find a way into that classroom with anyone seeing us.

- You're not claustrophobic are you?

- I can't get in, I feel like I'm fumming in a soft thing.

- You need to get in the fetal position

like when you're hiding in the boot of a woman's car.

- No good, Stephen, you're up.

- Huh?

- Absolutely not.

- But any minute now, then kids are gonna be

sat in that assembly hall waiting for that exam to stop.

- Fine.

- Each 2010 is 2010, your gong-gong, your gong-gong, your gong-gong, your gong-gong, your

gong-gong. Do you want me to grease you up, or are you gonna go and dry and shut up, Fraser?

- I'm gonna go and grab back.

Let's go.

- Ah, a Mitchell.

- What were you doing?

- What were you doing?

- Where are you going in those clothes?

- Well, I could actually do the same thing.

We guys shot lifted in that coat.

- Oh, give it a rest.

- Oh, I found the English teacher in a cupboard babbling about pretty woman.

- Perhaps I should have taken his hood off before he passed out.

- But you're cheating.

- Well, obviously, it's our only hope.

- This is the first time I've been able to shake off those exam board goals.

- Well, that's what you plan.

- I plan to flash the children during the exam.

- Well, don't stress.

Steven is in there right now telling the kids.

- The presentation has started.

Can't you tell the time?

- Bernie, I'll level with you.

I have absolutely no idea how this thing works.

- Oh, let's get started right next.

- Once upon a time, in a farm far, far away in Ireland, there lived Doctor Doolittle.

- Oh, God, we're dead.

- Shut up, you're good boy.

- You shut up.

- In a world.

- Well, metal needs flesh.

- Stop.

- And all is chaos.

- We're swine rule.

One pig, refuse to go home, his name, pig iron man.

Boy Dickard, move to the left.

It's got nothing to do with pigs.

Sirs, madams, Eliza Doolittle is a hot girl.

You had to deal with everybody's jealousy, even in the olden days.

Is olden days a literary tone.

Go find a personality.

Go get a brain cell.

I'm going to get him!

I'm going to get him!

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Not in this look, not in this week.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm seeing.

No.

I'm... I'm... Judas.

Ladies and gentlemen of the exam board, we present

to you, Class K's presentation on Pig Million.

Thank you.

Because after all, aren't we all Pig Million?

Um, um, today, Mr Harper transformed me from an anxious bibliophile

and vegan into a yock, the kind of person who hangs their mates out to dry.

Erzma represents the person Eliza Doolittle was

forced to become elegant, but submissive and pung.

Harrison embodies the black pages in our lives that we are yet to have written.

Oh, shoot.

Don't mind him, he's just the English teacher.

Who represents the blindness of the patriarchy?

Oh, my life enough!

Water!

And he water!

Trenchwing!

Oh.

And, uh, Mr Carmichael embodies the core themes of Pig Million.

That's within us all is a bold and certainly authentic.

So, waiting to burst out.

We just need the courage to be seen for who we truly are.

And, here it is.

And now.

I can't believe I'm saying this, Jinx, but that burn book was jokes.

Oh, well, I didn't actually write it.

You guys all assumed I did, and I was a little bit butt hurt, so I just went with it.

Sorry.

Wait, so if you didn't write it, then who did?

My night birch went God.

Wait, are you serious? You wrote this.

Uh, have you met your parents?

I had to have clap backs for when they go on about how

amazing you all are and how much of a terrible teacher I am.

Boy, you're not a terrible teacher.

Oh.

I guess I am amazing.

Thank you.

But if you wrote it, then why isn't there anything bad about Jinx in it?

Oh, because my parents don't come to the school,

and they don't ask questions, or they're just too busy, or they just don't care.

Which is their loss?

Because they wouldn't get to hear all the amazing things I would tell them about you.

Oh.

Well, um, you could tell me now.

Don't be a bag.

Come on.

Home time.

Wobbering.

Chair.

Oh.

And you know the button too? Don't eat.

I've won't be needing to have her anymore.

Tell me here.

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